What Did You Do That You Didn’t Think You Could Do?
The Friday Challenge is to reflect on all the things you didn’t think you could do but did. Call a lawyer. Fix a lawn mower. Live single and like it. What are yours?
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One of the many forces that keeps you stuck with a cheater is the thought that:
“I could never.”
Horace is terrible and everything, but I could never parent four children on my own. To have a D-Day is to face a wall of real and imagined obstacles. Single parenting, single life, small engine repair, accounting, moving, logistics.
It’s all too much. Many spend way too much time in paralysis fearing scary outcomes.
And it IS scary. (Don’t look down.)
But you often you CAN do the things you didn’t think you could.
Everything is on the table when you’re trying to leave a freak. Everything is possible when you’re trying to rebuild a life.
So, CN, what did you do? Rage plumbing? A long-distance move? Getting back into the workforce? Calling a lawyer after a lifetime of being brainwashed that divorce is a sin? A new tattoo?
What never did you overcome?
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Boxing!
When I divorced I was 32, but I had been a couch potato for 10 years at the time. I was so furious that I needed to hit someone, so I turned to boxing. Best thing I ever did. Previously I would have told you that there was nothing in this world that could convince me that this was necessary, much less a good thing. I can’t do it anymore because of an injury, but I miss it terribly.
However, the one thing that I thought I’d never in a million years be able to pull off was NC with FW. Yes, the minute he broke up with me I said “We only talk logistics from now on”; yes, I contacted a lawyer and signed divorce papers, and while all of this was happening I was sure I would falter at some point. Once I almost threw my phone into the sea. But I wanted him to apologise and wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction until he did. Not contacting him is the most difficult thing I have ever done.
Not very meh of me, but it satisfies me greatly that I repaid him with radio silence.
This inspired me to look up boxing gyms near me! Thank you!
The kickboxing circuit gym I went to while I was in the thick of my divorce absolutely kept me sane (and out of jail, lol).
Hi Pink_Nora_Rose,
I started boxing too! And I’m full on no contact. Every chump should step into the ring!
My big “never could I ever” in order were:
1) opened an account at a little bank he didn’t know about and started having a small amount of my paycheck directed there
2) applied for a major credit card of my own
3) bought a used phone and set up a separate cell line so I could make calls undetected
4) met with a certified divorce financial analyst
5) met with three attorneys. I wanted to try to find a good one who I felt I could afford and they needed to understand all the military pension and benefit aspects
6) made copies (and hid!) all the important papers – deed to the house, financial account info, our child’s birth certificate and health records
7) took a loan from my then FIL to hire the PI. I felt it was a big risk to tell him but I always trusted him and he came through for me in big ways.
When I give chumps advice now, I always impress the need to call more than one attorney and have multiple consults. It’s easy to talk to one attorney and then back down, but when you talk to more than one, your head space starts to shift from emotional to tactical. You get comfortable with the D word. I think it increases the odds you will actually get away from the FW.
Your post is a good reminder that Chumps have to put as much strategy and secrecy into escape as the FW put into the affair. Way to go!
Whoa! First, congratulations on all those things. But holy cow! You took a loan from your FIL for a PI!!! That is the ultimate strength and risk, wow. Good for you for taking that risk and it paid off. I can’t even imagine how scary that was.
I had always been independent, was well-educated, had traveled all over the world solo. Learning to not care about him, or any of his many betrayal objects seemed impossible at first. So many years! So many betrayal objects in so many places! But, I did. I detached. I disengaged. I walked away. I finally saw he was not worth one more second of my time. And today, I will go to the marathon expo and pick up my packet for yet another incredible race. In my 70s. I will be running for all us mighty chumps, and most importantly, for me. My life has value and meaning. His life, whatever he may be doing with it, has no meaning to me. And I know others can do it, too.
I finally forced myself to overcome all of my fears and after 37 years of lies and serial cheating I finally left for good.
I could have written this word for word. 37 years for me too.
1: I renovated a 2000sq ft house and half of it was designed to give an income (I live in a UK tourist area).
2: I set up a niche business that fits in with my grandparenting role (I help out couple days per week) and also to time with my new lover of 3.5 years, he lives in the Mediterranean so every few weeks we get together for a week or 2 and enjoy ourselves.
3: Discovered that mowing a lawn and jet washing a patio or car are actually quite fun jobs and not the ‘hardship’ they were made out to be! Like I would clean the oven or do another grim domestic task and FW would be like…oh, I’ll jet wash the drive and car whilst you battle with acids and scrubbing brushes so we’ll have equal ‘suffering’ !
Yay you! I was 69 when I first began to learn a little of his decades of cheating and lies. It is tough for older gals, absolutely! Thankfully, I had always worked and had a doctorate, earned long ago. Yay ypu! Now, in my mid 70s, I am healthier and stronger tha ever. Sounds like you are, too. It is so good to no longer have that mess in our lives.
I didn’t think “I could never…” but I did think “It’s going to be so hard” and “I don’t know if I can…” and “I don’t know if I can afford to leave.” My fear had both psychological and practical dimensions.
The psychological fear was the most difficult to overcome, because unlike a practical problem, it was more diffuse and less amenable to clear planning. I had by then spent my whole adult life with my then-husband–40 years of life together–and not only had we been married and had a child, we had also gone to graduate school, on the job market, and been hired by the university where we worked into a joint appointment and worked in the same academic department together for twenty-five years.
Where it was possible to approach leaving him with practical tasks, I did those: saw a lawyer, started looking at a place to rent, made lists of my resources, financial and personal/emotional/character. The largest hurdle was seeing a lawyer, but once I’d seen one I moved from thinking I might have to divorce him to knowing I was actually divorcing him. Giving up the hopium with all my related behaviors, like pick-me dancing and placating, and then gathering the courage and doing what I could do, took me eighteen months.
My major “practical” fears were 1) I would not be able to afford to live on my own, especially as I was in my mid-60s, approaching retirement, and I had been expecting retirement with both our incomes, and 2) I would never learn how to manage the tech, which was one of the two things he managed and that I was not interested to learning (the other was our day to day finances, although I had once done that, too, until he objected and wanted to take that over). The tech stuff turned out to be the least of my worries. I’ve learned what i needed to, and what I haven’t, my son, who is in tech, has been more than happy to help me with.
Thanks to my mother telling me when I was young that every woman needed her own income, I had always worked, even when our child was born (I lucked out in my hope of being able to plan the birth of our child during the summer when I wasn’t teaching), so I had my own retirement account. I also had set aside some money from an inheritance from my father (it had never been in a joint account and was not therefore in my state marital property), although I had spent half of that inheritance on improvements to our house. With my share of our marital home, I figured I would have enough to live on, and I do. I may not be able to afford to travel as I had hoped I would be able to, but that is more than made up for by the peace and freedom and autonomy I’ve gained.
I never thought I’d be able to file for divorce. I fell hook, line, sinker, and bank account for the RIC myths, telling myself her breaking things and the “shame-fueled” rage were just a “phase” I could fix by being a better partner. I was still in love with a person who didn’t exist while she was busy leading a double life.
What did I do that I didn’t think I could do?
I stopped trying to meet the needs of my cheater and started meeting the requirements for my own freedom and self respect. Thanks to LACGAL and this community, I got the bitch-slap of reality I needed. I hired a “super lawyer” who absolutely owned the mediation. I’m now restarting my life with my assets protected and my sanity intact. Turns out, the unthinkable wasn’t the divorce, it was staying. Now the rebuilding feels impossible sometimes, I still miss the bond I thought we had periodically, I’m nervous about failing on my own, I’m taking calculated risks I never thought I would, and I’m wondering if I’ll ever be able to trust anyone again- romantically or just normal day to day. Hopefully I can work through those to after my fuckwit of three decades dismantled my perception of so many things.
“Turns out, the unthinkable wasn’t the divorce, it was staying.” This should be the #2 motto of Chumps everywhere, right behind LACGAL.
Absolutely. So many of us experience D-Day and think Divorce is the absolute worst thing that could happen. No. Spending any more time with someone you can’t trust would be. It’s a truth that often isn’t apparent until you are out. But that doesn’t make it any less true.
The list of things that I didn’t think that I could do until I tried and found that I could was almost endless.
The most important thing was that, after she left, I really doubted that the future that I could build for the kids and myself would be up to much. It turned out that the future that I built without Ex-Mrs LFTT was so much better than the then present and past that had included her. It was at that point that I realised that she had been holding back and sabotaging the kids and I for years; whether this was deliberate or inadvertent I will never know, but the fact is that we really are better off without her.
She is not missed, not even slightly.
LFTT
I birthed twin babies with a protective DV code at the hospital.
I fought (and am still fighting) for majority custody of my 4 kids.
I asked for help from family and friends to be with me at every child drop off to protect me from him and keep me NC. It’s been 4.5 yrs.
I continue growing and being successful in my career and he continues to fight me for more.
I keep my head up, protect myself and have only spoken to him when he specifically went pro se so he could cross examine me 4 years after dday while he’s using litigation to continue to abuse me.
Wow, you are so mighty!
I actually did fix my lawn mower! I’ve tackled so many projects (see YouTube videos), I finally bought a tool set including an electric drill.
I made major purchases – used car, washing machine, and mini-split after doing my research (see Consumer Reports).
I accepted leadership positions in several of the community groups I volunteer with which reflects my reliability and values. I adopted a senior kitty.
My greatest feat was to file for divorce and remain no contact.
I bought a pair of bolt croppers. When I went to buy them, I discussed at great length with the staff if I could return them if I found I couldnt use them.
Having received very helpful and clear instructions from a really sweet young man at the hardware store, I approached several dangerous strands of barbed wire that were in my beloved pony’s new field and needed to removed for her safety. (I moved my pet family with me everywhere in the first few years after I sold the family home and we lived in a caravan for a bit (tow trailer), landlords not being keen on tennants with two farm dogs, 3 cats, several bantams and a horse. No friend left behind.). Anyway – who knew? My excellent new bolt croppers sliced through the heavy barbed wire as if it was string! My ex had (eventually) taken our bolt croppers with him and from his comments I had always assumed that they were incredibly difficult to use, that I would never be strong enough to wield them etc. iI should add that he took them with him, whilst living in a flat with his secret girlfriend where presumably bolt croppers might not be needed…I was living on 9acres at that point. He took all three lawnmowers as well, including a ride on. Luckily my pony “mowed” the garden for me after that, as I couldnt afford to buy a lawnmower, or pay for someone to do it. Anyway. I love my bolt croppers and Im immensely proud of them! I was so tentative and doubtful when tackling that first bit of wire. I believed I wouldnt be able to do it but I had to try for my pony. I couldnt afford to get someone to do it for me, so I saved up to buy them and then I discovered how easy it was! No need to take them back. Also very grateful to the kind young man in the store who sold them to me, who must have thought I was mad to believe I wouldnt be able to use them. He couldnt have been kinder. Im sure like me a lot of us were a bit brainwashed by our exs.
My ex had significant mental health and addiction issues. He had signs of borderline personality disorder (BPD) throughout our entire marriage. We separated twice, and he had a suicide attempt in between. I took him back. Then, he was supposedly sober and added sexual addiction in the mix. My therapist talked about that as a poor coping mechanism on his part and also dissected the issues with BPD. He had signs of shifting into NPD by then as well.
It was big when I told him during separation #2 that he wasn’t welcome back to live with us. And then, after a year, I told him there would be no reconciliation. And then I got my own powerhouse attorney. He was supposedly writing the agreement for us. He didn’t get why I wasn’t agreeing to things. I got my own attorney who took that agreement, made it legal and reasonable, and sent it to my ex with what he called a “new sheriff in town” letter. I went no contact, and he got his own attorney.
He was shocked that I refused to reconcile and stood up to him during the divorce. He truly thought that he was a wonderful partner and that I would continue to put up with all of his garbage. And he thought our college kids would be willing to drop out of their programs and uproot their lives and dreams to be with their wonderful father. Reportedly, his story was that I had ruined him, leaving him a shell of what he had been. He was that delusional.
So I truly didn’t think that I could cut the cord, but I did. And I rose from the ashes of my ruined marriage, and so did our kids. I surprised myself, frankly.
I bought a pair of bolt croppers. When I went to buy them, I discussed at great length with the staff if I could return them if I found I couldnt use them.
Having received very helpful and clear instructions from a really sweet young man at the hardware store, I approached several dangerous strands of barbed wire that were in my beloved pony’s new field and needed to be removed for her safety. (I moved my pet family with me everywhere in the first few years after I sold the family home and we lived in a caravan for a bit (tow trailer), landlords not being keen on tennants with two farm dogs, 3 cats, several bantams and a horse. No friend left behind.). Anyway – who knew? My excellent new bolt croppers sliced through the heavy barbed wire as if it was string! My ex had (eventually) taken our farm bolt croppers with him and from his comments I had always assumed that they were incredibly difficult to use, that I would never be strong enough to wield them etc. I should add that he took them with him, whilst living in a flat with his secret girlfriend where presumably bolt croppers might not be needed…I was living on 9acres at that point. He took all three lawnmowers with him as well, including a ride on. I expect she was thrilled. Luckily my pony “mowed” the garden for me after that, as I couldnt afford to buy a lawnmower, or pay for someone to do it. Anyway. I love my bolt croppers and Im immensely proud of them! I was so tentative and doubtful when tackling that first bit of wire. I believed I wouldnt be able to do it but I had to try for my pony, she could have been hurt by the barbed wire. I couldnt afford to get someone to do it for me, so I saved up to buy my bolt croppers and then I discovered how easy it was! No need to take them back. Very grateful to the kind young man in the store who sold them to me, he must have thought I was mad to believe I wouldnt be able to use them! He couldnt have been kinder. So dont believe your ex when he says things are hard! Oh and if any other chump like me with pets needs to secure a field while saving up for a pair of bolt croppers get some pipe lagging and tie it over the barbed wire with zip ties, only a quick protective fix but keeps them safe for pennies while you sort it out. We can do this chumps!!
Drive on big multi-lane highways.
I’m putting myself first.
Or it’s probably more accurate to say I’m putting my own oxygen mask on first (still, 13 months post D-Day).
Either way, I’m looking after me.
I did not think I could walk out the door of my lovely home and leave a 45-year marriage behind, but it’s been almost three months since I did just that.
It might sound odd but I did not think I could ever date again. I was too old – in my 60s and not feeling attractive at all. But I did date and learned a lot from some really crappy relationships.
And I realized I could travel alone which I did not really do while married to him for 30 years. I just felt safer traveling with him.
I never thought I could leave, as someone in full-time ministry with my now ex. But I did, and initiated divorce, and began again with a new organization to help me do the work I love to do and for which I am uniquely qualified.
Last year I bought a condo as a first-time homeowner in my fifties, and have been able to manage my finances just fine. My ex did ALL the finances and made me think I was incompetent in that area. (Really it was just a favorite way of his to maintain power and control over me.) But since our divorce in 2023 I have figured it out!
I just finished a week of stacking four cords of firewood outside on a slope, using a measuring tape and a level to lay down extremely heavy 16’ rails as the foundation. Because my property is on a slope, I had to scrounge around and find rocks to shore up and to level each rail so that my wood piles won’t collapse and roll down the hill toward the stream. I ended up with two parallel 90’ rows, ranging from a height of 5.5 feet down to 4 feet, so that rain will run off the sheets of metal roofing that protect the wood.
Then I heaved heavy concrete blocks on top of the roofing and arranged them in a pleasing pattern, because I’ll have to look down at them from my kitchen window until November, which is when I’ll dismantle the piles and stack the wood in my basement near the wood stove. And this was all accomplished while wearing uncomfortable and vision-limiting protective bug netting over my entire body, as the black flies and ticks are rampant outside.
Hoping all this weight-bearing exercise will push my bone density back up into the osteopenia range. I cared for Mom in her final years, and I will never forget her groans of pain whenever we jarred her back by hitting a frost heave on our drives to town for doctor’s visits.
So mighty!
Awesome story. What a feeling of pride and accomplishment you must have!
Firewood and concrete blocks…. You are mighty!
I started standing up for myself in other areas of my life.
I got help, I went to domestic violence and support groups for sexual assault victims, parenting classes, and therapy while pregnant in my free time when not working. I read hundreds of self-help and new-age spiritual books and applied what I needed to my life.
I left the workforce because I had no reliable or safe child care. I saved money without him knowing I did 12-step work for the first time, traditionally, the second time independently (for weed and have been completely and totally sober for the past 13+ years), and created my own support network of women I could trust for child care so I could go back to school. I set aside my pride and applied for government housing assistance while I was in school. I graduated. I networked myself into my dream job. I called off the engagement. I left him when my ducks were finally in a row at the first chance to leave safely.
I didn’t listen to his sob stories or the guilt trips from my family to take him back. I doubled down and went back to school to advance my career. I worked my but off and got myself off of all government assistance. I began dating a fellow chump, a teetotaling, gentle giant of a man whose values align with mine, who didn’t care about my status as a single mother, nor did he care about or let the chaos EXFW/ my FOO would throw at us. FW legal drama still drags on years later, and I have completely lost all faith in the entire justice system, which I also never thought would happen.
Husband and I got married, then moved hundreds of miles away for a big career opportunity for him, which sucked for me. We bought a home we started our own family. I kept reading, kept learning, and am working on a career transition. After my last child was born, I returned to therapy after hitting my breaking point again because of FW and FOO betrayal and chaos. One of the books was Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life because it popped up on Google for Betrayal trauma, a game-changer. Someone on here mentioned Al-Anon, which I turned into ACA; imo, it’s the no contact version (just completed the Independent 12-step workbook last week)
Dropped final reconciliation attempt w/ FOO because the manipulation, dishonesty, and lack of remorse or reciprocity inherent in all FW were still there. Realized I wasn’t the problem; they were. And as the designated scapegoat for their life’s regrets, I didn’t need to stay there to convince them to get better, do better, or be better. They were content living their lives as they were, and I didn’t need to live that way, so I accepted the reality of the situation and left. We live a normal, mostly peaceful life (large family, youth sports, home renovation) that took a lot of boundaries and culling to get to this point.
Recently, we had to drive back to our old home state for a big sports tournament for our eldest. We didn’t tell anyone from our old life that we were so close, or plan a get-together when we were in town. We spent that time as a family with our kids and the other team. The kids’ team took first place, we left, and we returned home. Never in a million years did I think I could do something like that
Wow. Massive strength MovingOn.
There’s absolutely no way I thought I would be able to sustain no contact, but here I am 16 months later and I’ve done it! And I continue to do it one day at a time. No texts, no calls, she’s only permitted emails and I’ve only ever replied to what is pertinent to co-parenting. I was truly blindsided by her affair and I’d honestly say I loved her about as much as a man can love a woman. I filed for divorce one month after discovery, I spent that month slowly coming to the realization my life as I knew it was over and she, in spite of saying they wern’t seeing each other, was still seeing him. So, I filed and it took EVERY ounce of self control to not reach out and “seek closure” or engage in the “pick me.” It still takes more self control than I’d like to admit nowadays to not to reach out so my Tuesday has not arrived yet; however, I’m still so proud of myself and optimistic about the new life I’ve built.
“…it took EVERY ounce of self control to not reach out…” Hang in there Champ. In a few months or a few years, as your life gains meaning and purpose independent of anything to do with FW, you’ll wonder why you ever stressed about it.
Went Stealth, talked to 2 lawyers..however an urgency developed where I had to lock 🔐 the doors. Never thought that could be done. Went to therapist, who told me get a lawyer stat, who told me go to police stat. Changed locks and stayed no contact through the process of an emergency divorce. Never in my wildest dreams did I think sweet little shy little, man fearing ,people pleaser Chump at age 69( my second Chump experience)could ever even do one baby step..but I do give angels credit for covering me when I was scared to deaths. Only CN gets it.
🕊💕🙌
Learn to swim in my forties. I’ll never become an expert swimmer but enough to show me I could do things I didn’t think I could. Good for confidence post-divorce.
I was able to still be a good mom. I was desperate to save my marriage, I’d still be unhappily married if my ex hadn’t left, but my ex left because I was starting to hold him accountable for all of his lies and selfish antics (Edit to add: We were also bumping heads over “Just a friend” that was intruding in our marriage). As a cradle Catholic, I was afraid of the sin of divorce, and having grown up with parents that were married until my dad passed away, I was worried a child growing up in two homes would be devastating for her.
Turns out, I’m still a good mom with a pretty well adjusted, kind and thoughtful kid who loves me (at least for now, who knows what the fast approaching teen years have in store for us).
Aw, I love this prompt! When I first got divorced, I used to say all the time, I replaced my husband with a credit card. It was the first one I’d ever had and it was needed because I made vastly less money (oh being a lady..). I found an amazing female friend to be roomates with and we lived a wonderful life together for 2 years as I got my sea legs stable in this whole, “I do everything on my own thing.”
I then decided I was put together enough to try for my passion, graduate school out in Califonia. I got into my dream program at UCLA and moved across the country. I lived by myself, paid all my bills, took out small school loans, took out every bag of trash, scooped every litter box, mixed every cocktail, because it was JUST ME.
That’s when I really learned to flourish on my own. My ex had never been patient enough for me to style the house – so I nested into my little grad school apartment. When I graduated I got my dream job back in Atlanta, moved cross country again, and moved into THE MOST precious condo with my COVID kitty from grad school. I started developing savings (I’ve never had those) and decided to try my next passion-adventure, getting a PhD.
Along the way, I also learned (though it took me WAY too long to get to “Meh”) – that I can love fully, truly, and contendly again. That there are amazing people out there, though rare, who hold your heart and adore you. Now, this person passed away recently. It’s devastating, it’s tragic, and I don’t want to be having to do this without him – BUT I now have the strong foundation of knowing how to live a life single (it doesn’t terrify me anymore) and that I can (and will) enjoy it and the peace of knowing that my heart can love and be cherished.
So now I am off to Barcelona to start my PhD program with my COVID kitty, my functional single know-how, and my fully healed heart. Thank the universe I left that man behind.
It’s like in Barbie, when Ken pops out of the back and she says to get out, “You’re only going to slow me down” – my FW would have kept me down.
Helloooooo adventure, freedom, and peace. And to a stable and peaceful life. A life that is open for a worthy person to join me if I so see fit (and not stuffed with the energy drag of a FW). <3 Thank you for all you do ChumpLady and CN!
You’re amazing! And I’m so sorry for your loss.
💐 👩🎓 What an amazing and full life you have and are creating. (And thank you for adopting and fully committing to your COVID kitty 🥰😻)
I didn’t have a car, a community, a church, or any friends within a thousand miles, my family was either dead or estranged and I had retired at 62 (because he said he’d divorce me if I didn’t.)
I rented a car and drove approximately 1000 miles with what I could carry and my dog to move in with my best friend who had just lost her husband. I had less than a thousand dollars a month of income, and my health insurance was $1122/month. Did I mention I had cancer?
The first day at my friend home, I started the process of applying for an RN license in that state. I managed to file for divorce long distance and divorce him in the state in which we last lived together (because the terms would be more favorable to me). I managed to get the financial settlement I wanted because he was still somewhat sorry for his physical abuse. (Or he was worried that I might tell someone about it, which wouldn’t do much for his shiny public image.). When the divorce was final, I bought a car and then got a job in a large, teaching medical center. I was 64. I saved most of my paychecks — which was easier as I now had health insurance through my job. At 65, I closed on a condo — during the pandemic. I retired again at 67 with money in the bank and my 401k from previous jobs intact. And now my dog and I have a sweet life, living in my cute, quirky condo and traveling to see friends across the US.
The best thing that I didn’t believe would ever happen to me — I am a bonus grandma to my beautiful step-daughter’s 10 month old son. She kept me in her life even after I divorced her father.
I am so happy, and I have a great life!
Wow, all of this is VERY mighty!
Good for you! And it doesn’t take a blood relation to be the sane parent
He works on IT and always handled all of the repairs for 35 years. When he had moved out and I was legally allowed to change the locks I did. I also managed to contact Ring have the ownership of the account changed to me and change all the emails and codes to my own so he couldn’t monitor me. One evening I got home after work and the door knob was broken. I’d always wanted one of the combination locks so when I went out walking the dog, I wouldn’t have to carry key, but he would never put one in. since the door broke. I decided I will put it in myself. I went to the home, improvement store, and figured it out myself. To be honest the amount of physical labor required to do the job myself was less than I would’ve put in to pay him back for doing what turned out to be a simple task. Plus, I got to give myself all the admiration for a job well done. When I moved out and had to give him access I could just give him a code to the door. I thought about making his code our anniversary but remembered if it feels good don’t do it.
Didn’t think I could give up the sunk cost of 34+ years of marriage. Did it anyway! Didn’t think I was “allowed” to divorce my husband as a Christian. Did it anyway! (And changed my mindset completely about all that.) Didn’t think I could detach and un-bond with this man I gave 39 years of my life to (since we met & started dating). I did! I unbonded! For my own safety and sanity! Didn’t think I could go into my “retirement” years as a single woman. I did it! Here I am and I’m okay. Didn’t think I would ever become single at this point in my life, move states, buy a house all by myself and create a brand-new life. I’ve done that too! Didn’t think I would ever get over the pain of being betrayed. It’s been a handful of years now; I have come a long way, baby! Didn’t think I’d ever get over the realization that this man, does not “love” me and most probably, going forward, I’ll never experience that “being loved” thing from a man. I overcame that and am at peace because I love myself.
You’re right. It’s not just what we’ve accomplished, it’s doing it even though we understand what the future likely holds.
After 27+ years of marriage I remember sobbing to my sister on the phone saying I could never untangle 30 years of combined finances. I kicked him out on D-Day and it took almost three years before we were divorced. Not only did I initiate the divorce, but I untangled all the finances, phoned the utility companies, the mobile phone provider, the bank, the credit card, the car insurance, it went on and on. He did NOTHING and delayed and delayed the divorce. Once it was final, I cleared and sold the family home with the help of my wonderful son (28) and amazing friends. I moved to a rental for just under a year, and three months ago I bought my dream home by the sea. I have moved to a different part of the country (I am in the UK) to live near my sister and her family. I can see the sea from my bedroom, and it’s a 15 minute walk to the beach. I love my new home and I’m enjoying setting it up exactly as I want, buying new furniture and curtains in pinks and soft greens. It’s very girly and I love it! I go to Beach Yoga on a Wednesday and I’m getting to know a fabulous set of women there, and I’ve just been invited to join a Book Club. It’s hard moving to a new area when you’re over 60 and retired, but I am lucky to have my sister nearby for advice on where everything is (thank goodness for SatNav!) I still struggle with the heartbreak of betrayal (I am 4 1/2 years out from D-Day), especially as my FW is living with his AP and is expecting my son to meet her … ugh …
Congratulations to everyone here, your accomplishments after such trauma are amazing! It’s incredible what we can achieve against all the odds. I was lucky to find Tracy and CN about six months after D-Day, and there is absolutely no doubt that I would not have been able to get through the last 4 1/2 years without this blog and all of you.Thank you.
My biggest win – I survived. FW said I couldn’t survive without him. FW is dead and I’m still here. I got over the heartbreak and the fear of moving on on my own.
I got debt free in one year while ALSO paying my attorney an obscene amount of money.
My proudest achievement? Three years ago, I bought myself a house. All by myself.