Any Post-Divorce Dating Advice?
Sarah is looking to dip her toe back into dating — any post-divorce dating advice out there? This is the subject of an upcoming podcast.
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Every time the subject of dating post-divorce comes up, I’m inundated with horror stories. And yet, I know many of you have coupled up again happily, and even more are happily single.
My Tell Me How You’re Mighty podcast cohost, Sarah Gorrell is considering dating now that she’s nearly 13 past her divorce from a FW. Raising four kids and working full-time, she says, was enough of a life project without wading through profiles of men and their fish. (Or men in front of urinals. She told me this is actually a THING. Dear God, why?)
So, for those of you currently in the trenches, or who are veterans: What advice do you have for the newbies? I’ll share mine.
Know how to dump and be dumped.
Do not even consider dating again until you have thick skin and ironclad boundaries. Sure there are freaks (dump! ghost!), but there are also nice people out there like you who just aren’t a good fit and you need to learn to have awkward conversations and good manners. It’s a skill set. You also have to be okay with someone dumping you. (It happens and it’s no measure of your lovability.)
If you’re wobbly and looking to self medicate with other people, don’t date right now. You don’t need validation from a FW.
Date for character.
This is the best advice I have and the least satisfying. Because character is revealed over time and time means investment. And who has tons of life margin to invest? It’s kind of a Catch 22. The obviously freaks tend to weed themselves out, but the good ones take time to get to know. Go slow. Look for reciprocity. Watch for the small tells that this is a show up person whose words and actions align.
Fix your picker.
Getting cheated on isn’t your fault, and I promise you aren’t a FW magnet. Nonetheless, the experience is traumatic and it takes quite awhile to heal from it. You know who likes wobbly, vulnerable people desperate for validation after being gutted by betrayal? Predators. Users. Freaks. Love bombers.
Shields up. Fix your picker. (Link to my expanded article on this.) See Date For Character above. There are no guarantees — there’s only you and what you’ll tolerate. Know what your deal breakers are. But most of all, know your worth.
So, CN, help Sarah out. What advice do you have? Feel free to also leave a voicemail. (Especially if you have a Man Meets Urinal dating profile story.)
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Look for a “bad liar.” In other words, look for a person who is very transparent. Also, know your deal-breakers and stick with them.
IMO, dating isn’t worth the time, energy, and emotion required. Stay off the dating apps, they are soulless. And soul-sucking. If you meet somebody in the wild, IRL, fantastic, mazel tov, but in my experience as an older woman, it’s not worth the effort. I ran into a lot of men who had not been single in 20 years and had a 90s attitude about relationships between men and women, ie, they hadn’t gotten the memo that women can now support themselves financially, and the only thing a man has to offer a woman is lively companionship and good treatment. I found those particular items to be in short supply. Rather than dating, put your efforts towards building a solo life that is meaningful and emotionally rewarding to you instead.
Yes, even today, women (especially younger ones) are sometimes told to just look for a “good provider”. While it’s true that financially stable men may be a better choice than “fixer-uppers”, “projects” or men with other obvious issues, I believe this is not enough. In many cases, men may be financially stable mostly because of privilege and not because of good character. In those cases, they may believe having a wife appliance/maid they can treat badly is just part of that privilege. Sadly, as an older woman, I’ve met far too many guys like that.
I highly recommend Jennie Young’s new book: *Burned Haystack Dating Method*, which explains how to analyze dating profiles and text interactions to weed out toxic (incl character disordered) men (although it could also be applied to women). Her aim is to help you find the needles (or your needle) by eliminating the duds (which include the many predatory men on the apps and IRL) by burning the haystack to the ground.
She is a rhetoric professor who uses critical discourse analysis to identify and then “block to burn” men usinf toxic rhetorical patterns like “i am the prize,” “test and apologize,” “seeking trad wife,” “directive” (you better be fit.”
Next to Tracy, Jennie Young has the best blog (she’s on Substack) on this topic I’ve encountered and has Facebook group with 1/4 million members where women give each other dating advice from a feminist perspective.
The Burned Haystack method is the best tool I’ve seen to help us practice discernment in our dating lives. Good luck and stay safe!
I haven’t read that book, but just from the descriptions, I recognize each type she’s talking about! Well said, thanks for the suggestion!
I’ve dated here and there, but nothing really has come of it. I have enough people in my life that I don’t need to date to have someone to do things with. That is key. And I’m willing to get scuffed up a bit and say, “Thanks, but no thanks.” I haven’t done the apps. I go out with guys I have some context on or who are recommended to me by friends I trust.
I do coffee dates. I watch how they talk about their previous relationships, kids, work, and when they retired/plan to retire, since I’m older.
Thus far, nothing has clicked. I haven’t given up, but I’m not looking. I have some funny stories, as expected. Early on, I agreed to pick up a guy who claimed his car was in the shop. Ok, not a problem. Turns out he was on restriction because of a DUI. Ok, I should have asked more questions of the person who recommended him. One guy commented on the first date that maybe I could pay off his student loans so he could retire. Yes, the first date. Another admitted that he was getting a knee replacement in a month and was hoping I’d offer to take care of him. Yes, the first date. And every widower talked at length about their deceased spouse and how wonderful they were. Clearly, they weren’t ready for a new relationship.
So, I dunno. Probably not happening for me, and that’s fine. It’s been a few years since I got divorced. I’m comfortable where I am.