Super Powers I’ve Gained By Leaving a Cheater
A chump writes to share about all the good things that have come into his life since leaving a cheater. He’s not meh yet, but getting there.
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Hey Chump Lady!
My Tuesday hasn’t come yet, but the pain has subsided. And I’m further away from the pit of sh*t I was thrown into and realized that it was right beside me for decades. My life has been turned upside down, my reality has been altered, and I’m working on a future that no longer represents what I ever imagined, Chump Lady and the army of chumps has helped me through this more than most any other resource.
I could write a novel on all the f*cked up things my FW has done, even post divorce. However, I wanted to write something different for those still in the midst of the most devastating pain of their lives to let them know some of the positives that come out of this experience.
YES! POSITIVES!
I know it’s hard to believe, but you may achieve some or most of these positives from finding out about and leaving your FW. Here it goes:
I’m no longer at risk of getting an STD from a FW anymore.
Think about that! The health savings, the mystery, the potential life threatening consequences.
After this experience, I spot deception, manipulation, lies, and toxic people almost immediately now.
It’s like getting the glasses from the movie “They Live.” My body and mind warn me almost immediately about sketchy people and situations. It’s a blessing and a curse, but in the long run, I think it will be a blessing to spot bad actors quickly.
I’ve lost people in my life and I’m realizing that’s for the good.
Once I started putting up boundaries and standing up for myself, I quickly have found out who cares about respecting my boundaries and who takes them as suggestions. People who care have respected my boundaries, people who have ignored have been weeded out organically. I’ve realized I should have had them out of my life a long time ago.
I have found a sense of radical self reliance.
My safety and future were shattered by this experience, when the person I trusted most in this world betrayed, lied, deceived and threatened me. I have come to fortify myself, realizing that I’m the only one responsible for my future safety and sanity. I’m doing everything in my power so that I can chart my own path to succeed or fail on my own terms, not someone else’s whims, threats, or character flaws.
Fear and frustrations have been put into perspective.
I’ve learned that the things that would cause fear and anxiety in me before finding out about my spouse’s double life were nothing. Most of those things don’t even register now. Once you go through this, you have gone through one of the most devastating things ever. If I can make it through something that wounded me so deeply, I can get through most anything else life can throw at me. I literally laugh at some of the fears I use to have.
I recognize emotional baiting even more quickly now.
I’ve started to see, sense, and hear emotional baiting much more quickly now. Passive aggression, diversion tactics, and things people do to try to throw you off your game. Once the person you trusted the most in your life uses those tactics, it really doesn’t faze me now anymore when some stranger, salesmen, or co-worker tries it.
I notice when people are taking accountability for their actions.
Versus the ones that use word salad to avoid accountability. I have also started to see when people are avoiding accountability for mistakes. It reveals their character much more quickly how they handle hard situations.
It’s extremely painful when your past, present, and future are all put into question after finding out about a partner’s betrayal. It’s a devastating process to work through. You will lose a lot, but there are some positives to it — like losing a character deficient person who didn’t deserve you.
Hope this helps.
Happy Healing.
Chumpy McChumperson
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Dear Chumpy McChumperson,
Thanks for preaching the Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life gospel this morning so I don’t have to. I have no notes! Just congratulations on your new and improved life and life skills. I think you’re closer to Tuesday than you know.
CN, any superpowers you’d like to report? Can you relate?
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This is one of my favourite posts: bravo to Chumpy McChumperson for thriving post-Fwit trauma! Inspiring to read this!
Now where do I start with my own flourishing post loser F-wit?!
1. My discernment is much better. I have finally distanced myself from toxic family members who when this blew up pinned the blame on me.
My friendships have deepened with the keepers and I’ve cut loose the duds and made some healthy new friends (slowly as discernment takes time) through doing more activities that i have time and energy for now that i am no longer being chronically gaslit and controlled. I am not getting sucked into toxic people at work and am doing my own thing instead.
2. My physical health has improved now that i am eating what i need and want rather than what he insisted “we” eat. I’m also getting more exercise now that i not in a manipulationship where to keep the peace i would skip workouts to accommodate his schedule.
3. My mental health is much much better: The fog has lifted and i feel calm and focused.
4. I have much more self-respect and self-trust, which has been transformative.
Hi PeaceSeeker! (I’m the one the wrote this to Chumplady) I’m glad to hear you liked the post and great additions! Mental and Physical health! OMG yes. Great to read that you have more self-respect and self-trust. I’m still working on my self-trust and nervous about that. Sorry you’ve had a terrible experience but happy to see you are flourishing!
I keep rereading your post, which resonates deeply with me and many others going by the comments. One thing especially: how after you survive this MONSTER you gain superpowers and perspective. Being chumped is NOT a gift but we have managed to turn it into one. Thanks again for sharing your wins!
“Manipulationship”!!!! PeaceSeeker did you coin this word? LOVE it!
I did not—saw it in a comment somewhere (wish i could remember). It is a good one, isnt it?!
I love this. Thank you Chumpy for taking the time to spread this positivity for others.
There is so much I have learnt and am learning from this very unwanted experience. Intellectually I had understood I needed to ‘Love mysel’. But it was after the experience of the person I had loved and centred who had deceived and abused me. That i came to embody this feeling.
In the words of Miley Cyrus ‘I can love me better baby, I can love me better, I can love me better than you can’.
And I do.
Hi SillyChump100.. You’re welcome. Sorry you had to go through something similar 🙁 It’s so hard to explain to others the experience of the person you love and trust so much betraying and doing all the things fuckwits do. It has changed my worldview for sure. Stay strong and Keep loving yourself better than anyone!
I am finally able to see my worth and the limits of my flaws and accountability now that I am no longer looking into a distorted mirror. I can see through the bullshit and noise to the truth about myself and others. I am deliberate about whom I give my energy to. When I look at photos of myself these days, I see a light shining through. I am at home in my body, I am my own best friend and I own my life.
I realized that everything good we had in our life had been MY doing, and if I had done it once before for him/us, I could do it again again – but for myself. So I built a new life that is so much better than anything we ever had.
Life as a single mom can sometimes be overwhelming, but it’s so much easier to handle the things life throws at me without FW. He would turn any inconvenience (a clogged toilet or flat tire or the dogged messed in the house, or whatever) into a crisis. He would then declare the entire day/weekend ruined, and be angry or pout about what had occurred. His terrible mood would, of course, be taken out on me (because in his eyes it was always my fault, no matter what it was, and it was my job to fix it). Now I can go “uh oh, one of the cats threw up”, and then just … take care of it and go about my day.
” Now I can go “uh oh, one of the cats threw up”, and then just … take care of it and go about my day.”
Sometimes I struggle with how long it is taking to get to meh. After D-Day happened, I was afraid to leave. There was a lot of manipulation and coercive control in our home, and despite him wanting out of the marriage in terms of wanting to be free to be with AP, he didn’t want me to be free. He didn’t want any of the true consequences of divorce. And I was so afraid of him. I had to get therapy to get out because I couldn’t stomach the thought of saying “I want a divorce NOW and want you to leave” because I thought I couldn’t tolerate the discomort of then living with him until he got out with that hanging in the air. In hindsight I see the irony, he was ALWAYS mad about something so what did it matter what the reason was on any given day? At least if he was mad that I wanted a divorce it meant we were moving forward towards freedom. I see that now, but at the time, that was just so hard to grasp. I was just frozen in fear. And a bit of the pick me dance. This resulted in it taking THREE years to get from D-Day to separation. It would take another two before we were officially divorced. Those 5 years weigh on me. Now it’s been six years since d-day and I just want to be fully at meh. We have kid so I can only be low, not no, contact.
I see chumps that are doing great. Who have created a new, better life and I feel like I am lagging behind. I am essentially a single mother. My oldest doesn’t see him, the other barely does. All the work falls on me. All the rides/appts/planning/caring for them. And I am great with that, it keeps their exposure to a FW limited. But it does make me feel like a barely functional servant at times. Limited time for myself. I am not thriving, I am surviving. Soon that will change as they are getting older and will need me less. But for now I often find myself frustrated that I am not feeling as over it as I would like to be at this point.
What I will say is, your comment about your ex ruining weekends over the most minor inconveniences? This resonates. Everything with him was a screaming drama. And it always felt like my fault. And now there is no drama. (well other than the occasional teen drama or when I absolutely HAVE to communicate with him) And when he first moved out this was immediately noticed, that peace. That lack of needless tension. Now I am more used to it so I don’t notice as much. But it is a HUGE win. A home that feels calm, safe, cozy. A place I want to be. The rest will come in time. But thank you for reminding me of what I have to be happy about right now.
Dear SortOfOverIt 💕 Please talk kindly to yourself and don’t be hard on yourself for where you are on the Getting-Over-A-FW Spectrum. You are not lagging behind. You are on your own journey which was hellish tough (still is tough!). You are comparing yourself to people who had a different hell, different supports and resources and kids and personalities… only you have your combination of all those details and more. I think it’s great that you are Surviving. That is a win in my book! Parenting, especially solo, is hard yakka. As you said, your time will come when you can step into Thriving, when kids are less dependent. Be reassured it will come. Your Time will come. Maybe allow yourself some dream time and make a vision board for what that will look like? And try and give yourself little stepping stones of self love along the way, to carry you forward, a little time out, or coffee, or massage, or picking flowers…
And if that voice comes that says “oh you’re not doing do well. You’re lagging behind other Chumps.” You can tell that voice “hey! You aren’t speaking in my best interests. You sound like my Ex the FW. And I don’t entertain people or voices like that. Bye bye now!”
💕 and hugs to you. X
Thank you so much. I needed that reminder. I think I am normally in a better place, but occasionally that ick just sneaks in. Since we separated then divorced, he has focused on finding women. First dating as many as he could match with, then two long term relationships. One he is still currently in. She is much younger and has toddler aged kids. He is planning to move in with her. This is new and I think it struck a nerve. I don’t want to live with him, my god, that’s MY worst nightmare. But I see it as “he doesn’t deserve nice things!” lol
My oldest doesn’t see him. He tells everyone how devastating this is for him, and occasionally he tries to reach out, but she’s not really having it. Tracy often says to watch their actions, and see if they measure up to their words. And in this case, it is clear, he tells everyone this is the worst thing that has ever happened to him, but he doesn’t do much to try to fix it.
What I see, and what my kids see is him finding a new, young family so he can just start over. (the dad of those toddlers is involved, but not a lot, FW will be with those children so much more than their bio dad)
Sometimes when I think about FW, I try to be fair. Our oldest hasn’t wanted to stay with him for @ 2 years. He’s been with new gf for about a year. Realistically, I think “well, he shouldn’t put his life off forever. Oldest doesn’t want to stay with him so he might as well move in with gf”. At the same time, if your relationship is strained with your child, and she’s reluctant to spend time with you maybe moving in with a new family and having it look like you are 100% replacing her isn’t the best idea? It’s almost like “well gee, now you really don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of reconciling with her”.
What I do know with absolute certainty is that I will never look back and regret that my focus right now was on my kids. I would say “he can’t say the same” except he is so disordered that he will never look back and think he did anything wrong. So I don’t think he will regret his choices either.
That terrible mood, making mountain out of molehills, and ruining the weekend seems to be universal fuckwiterary. Sorry you’ve had to go through that experience but so happy to hear you have found strength and humor in the past ridiculousness. My respect to everyone who goes through this with younger children, that’s a layer that is heartbreaking. My total respect to everyone that juggles the fuckwits actions with being kind and loving with their child.
I was married to the same irritable melodramatic FW!
I just mentioned that I was too. And it occus to me, why do they DO that? Because it didn’t jsut ruin my day. Or the kid’s days. It ruined his. He consistently made himself miserable too!
I’m watching Game of Thrones again, but this time with my daughter, now nineteen. It’s a little surreal; she was in first grade when I saw it the first time and of course it was not something she and I were watching together. I was also still in my MIRAGE (fake marriage) to Traitor Ex.
It’s interesting to watch this eight years after DDay; the main story line of this show is about a chain of events set in motion as the result of the discovery of a secret sexual double life.
I’m very proud that Little Hammer is very astute and sensitive to the myriad and nuanced betrayals as we watch, sometimes seeing things before I do that got past me when I saw it last, and she is rightly outraged and screams with delight when justice is served.
What came to mind today is that being cheated on is like Daenerys Targaryen walking into the funeral pyre with the allegedly infertile dragon eggs and emerging unburned with three baby dragons.
If you’ve been cheated on, that’s YOU. A visual worth keeping to keep you going, dear Unburnt Mothers and Fathers of Dragons reading here today.
♥️
Oh VH. How I love this! I think one of the best bits of wisdom for the newly Chumped is “you will feel like your entire world is burning to the ground, and you will think you fully know just how absolutely terrible your life is going to be post-FW. But you truly have no idea how many things will work out and be ok or be so much better” Daenerys didn’t expect dragons. And us Chumps can’t know everything. But if you are going to make space at that time for all the calamity that may occur, allow yourself to also acknowledge that good things may come too.
I haven’t seen GOT and may avoid it, Because ever since I found out about the double life, movies about cheating really suck to me. I actually watched Sopranos again recently and it was a totally different experience after being betrayed. I HATED Tony Soprano with a passion and when Carmela confronted him about the cheating OH MAN I was rooting for her as I felt her pain.
The primary superpower was that I never needed him for anything. I had shouldered almost everything all along, anyhow, so ditching him was an imperceptible change as far as daily life. I used to make him take on tasks so he’d feel useful. Turned out it was more efficient to do those on my own. He was typically incompetent on purpose. Stuff I don’t want to do can easily be subbed out. There are plenty of folks to be hired to do manual labor. I was just fine on my own when I met him in the 1980s. Same for today, but older and wiser.
Yes indeed! I am in love with my mechanic, my Chiropractor, my new Pastor, the maintenance guy where I moved to. With my son and grandson. More good men to replace the one bad apple and worth every cent. I can now feel love and appreciation where before I only worried about keeping HIM happy.
My physical health was gradually deteriorating for years before DDay in ways that doctors couldn’t explain. One time I nearly had a stroke. I was resigned to my fate of premature aging and bad marriage.
Post divorce several serious medical issues miraculously cleared up. Turns out marriage to the toxic narcopath was poison!
I now look better than I have for years in spite of menopause
In better physical shape without being a gym rat. Literally look better than a decade ago which I can see in photos. Enduring the lying sack of sh** was literally killing me!
Many many moons ago I lived with a truly malignant narcissist for 18 months (not the reason I am here – my FW wasn’t bad like that). In that short time I developed severe, painful and diagnosed endometriosis. Once I got away from this unbelievably cruel and dangerous man and was safe and started to heal emotionally, the endometriosis cleared up within a year. Without medical intervention. Mindblowing.
The physical health thing is a great point. I’m so sorry you had that experience, but glad things cleared up after the divorce. I had similar things happen and heal after, not to the extent you seem to have experienced. It’s crazy how our bodies knew before our minds did. I read that that is normal. Glad you are better.
Yes, Bravo to CMC for this essay.
I also appreciate my more finely-tuned ability to discern a cheater (marital or otherwise) out in the world. One of the few helpful things my mother ever taught me is “If someone will cheat their spouse, they will cheat anyone”.
For me, Ive also developed a more mature capacity for gratitude. When I was young, I thought I would have a great life because the universe smiled on me and I made great decisions. Neither of those things ended being true. However, in Betrayal Recovery, I found that I do have some serious blessings that I likely didnt even deserve and I appreciate them every day.
YES Gratitude.. That’s a great one.I am amazed at how clearly the kind, good, and positive things come into focus more clearly now during recovery.
Amen, preach it. But yes, everything listed in the letter. I think for me the main thing is that I am consciously aware of my strong, new boundaries, I no longer assume the best about people first, I no longer assume they mean well, and I no longer blindly trust. I just assume they are selfish, manipulative, lying and users, unless they can prove themselves otherwise. I used to be all about giving and serving; now I’m about protecting, providing for and caring for myself. Since I was conditioned to make myself nothing and have no needs, it is a superpower for me to now consider my well-being and safety.
I hear you about that. I feel the same way now too. Its one of the biggest things I’m really pissed at my fuckwit for doing to me, that innocence of believing in people first and only mistrusting if they showed a reason to not trust them, I miss that in some ways, even though I know now that’s not good, look where it got me.
Wow Amen to all of that
CMC-
You are mighty!
This was beautiful and true to the bone. I have learned and practiced the SAME lessons. The same relief.
1. I am so grateful to be on my own after 46 years with 2x cheaters whom I trusted.
I walk into my apartment and say outloud..YOU ARE SAFE,you are free. No end of life taking care of a cheater ( I was 69 when I escaped).
2.No me getting cancer or whatever and finding out THEN my imagined lover DID NOT CARE and only cared if I was eternally cheerful , working and healthy!
That would have killed me.
3. My health was plummeting and now I am working on staying alive for my family and no longer serving an ingrate who never said please or thank you. How was that even acceptable?? Well he was mentally ill so he did not have to do anything!!
4. No house, funds, stuff to divide with a step family if he died or I did. Divorce separates assets so now only my family has to be concerned with my assets. That has been a huge relief as if I died or he did, there would have been a war that never would end with my step family. Nver end. That in itself is a diamond gift.💠
5. I didn’t know how much I loved archeology, cosmology, and reading. The TV was on 24/7 – my cheater had ADHD plus ➕️ Bipolar disease. So constant noise and activity. I am at peace more than ever. Last night I went to my first movie on my own. It was called The Story of Everything, by Stephen C Meyers. It was beautiful and touching. I realized how happy I am… no THRILLED to not be sitting in church or watching a movie about the wonders of the universe — with a cheater lying and pretending right next to me, corrupting my space.
6. I no longer am required to have sex with a selfish user who only and totally just cared about himself. Who made me sick with his chronic infections by going out with coworkers and massage people-That is also worth its weight in gold🪙.
Im.going to stop but I hit Tuesdsys almost all the time now and I am filled with gratitude every single day.
I learned that I am allowed to say “No” without being subjected to some form of passive aggressive retribution from someone who thinks that me saying “No” is akin to mutiny. I now use this power whenever I feel that it appropriate.
I also learned that the reason that we were consistently broke was not, as Ex-Mrs LFTT would have it, that I could not manage money, but because it is impossible for me to manage money if she had already spent it. I use this power to live a life free of financial anxiety.
And lastly, I learned that some members of Ex-Mrs LFTT’s family (particularly my MIL and SIL) would rather spend time with me than her. I have used this power to ensure that our children have a relationship with their Grandmother and Aunt that they never had before.
LFTT
” but because it is impossible for me to manage money if she had already spent it.” 😆🤣🤣 that so cracked me up! 🙌
The superpower of your kids relationship with maternal rellies … Bravo you 🥰
Love the post Chumpy McChumperson! While I can’t say I’ve gotten any superpowers my physical health greatly improved when I left cheater ex. The house is a lot cleaner and I no longer feel like I have to baby someone else’s emotions when fixing something in the home.
LOL I hear you. yeah, I was torn on calling these a superpower, but being able to hear and see BS so quickly now is something interesting and that I never had before. Glad you’re feeling better and the house is cleaner!
Hilarious comparison to They Live – such a fun movie, so eerily comparable to how one might spot disordered people after going through this experience.
I think the perspective has been enduring in a positive way. What’s [insert problem of the day here] compared to your spouse blowing up your (and your child’s) life? The fortitude that comes from that too – realizing you are capable of climbing out of nearly anything – is definitely something to smile at through any remaining tears.
Oh absolutely, I say that all the time now, “What’s [insert problem of the day here] compared to your spouse blowing up your (and your child’s) life? ” ALL THE TIME. Since this experience there hasn’t been one thing I’ve encountered yet that has passed that logic. I recently talked to a cancer surviver and betrayed spouse after 30 years. She said, hands down, the betrayal was more difficult than the cancer.. How insane is that!!!! While I can’t make that point, I can say, there hasn’t been anything else I’ve dealt with in my life that has come close to the betrayal and emotional abuse from someone I loved and trusted for more than two decades.
Right? about They Live? It totally feels like that. The speed with which my body and brain see the manipulators and toxic people now is unreal.
Great line too, “Realizing you are capable of climbing out of nearly anything” SO TRUE
D-Day was October 2024 and again April 2025 with the same worthless who**. So I am well on my way to Tuesday. What have I lost? The endless shame of being abused and lied to. The fear of not being myself with new people I meet. A lack of openess I dared not show because of the strange world of lies and mindfuckery I lived in.
I simply did not know up from down any longer. Was it really me who was the problem? Was I as distant as he said I was? Had I been causing all the arguments? I just didn’t know who I was any more…but now I do, and I am a fantastic person without someone dripping doubt and mistrust in my ear daily.
I am so meh about him now, when he comes over to visit and talks about how horrible the woman he left me for is and how he’s now met a new squeeze and how he is a changed man (and would I take him back, pretty please?) (NO!) I just enjoy the soap opera he is now living and is clearly not happy in.
I so enjoy hearing him trying his gaslighting on me and calling out the bullsh*t instead of silently enduring it rather than start an agrument. I love being able to say the things I never dared and have him sit there quiet and meek instead of exploding in rage.
Most of all I simply don’t care whether he lives or dies. Harsh I know, but he is getting Karma big time. Tuesday will arrive when the divorce is final and the money divided but until then, he pays half my bills and provides me with endless amusement.
Kate ain’t no idiot.
She’s funny too!😆
Thanks for the lol at the end there. You rock.