Betty Broderick and the Taboo of Rage
Betty Broderick, who killed her ex-husband and his affair partner, died last week. She claimed he psychologically abused her and pushed her to the brink.
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If a lot of chumps are honest with themselves, they probably look at Betty Broderick and think “There but for the Grace of God go I.”
If Betty Broderick had this blog in 1989, I would’ve told her “If it feels good, don’t do it.” But she did it. She shot her ex-husband Dan Broderick and his second wife (and former mistress) Linda Kolkena Broderick. And forever solidified the narrative of the batshit crazy woman scorned.
Before she was a murderess, however, Betty was a chump. She put Dan through medical and law school. Suborned her own career ambitions to raise their four children. And in return for her sacrifice and support? Dan cheated on her throughout the marriage. And when she raged over his infidelities, he had her committed to a mental hospital for hysteria.
Having now legally established Betty as unstable, Dan eventually dumped Betty for his affair partner, the much younger flight attendant, Linda. Worse, he used his financial advantage in the divorce to gain custody of the children and left her hardly anything with which to start over.
“His was the white-collar way of beating you,” Ms. Broderick told The New York Times between her trials. “If he had hit me with a baseball bat, I could have shown people what he did and made him stop.”
At the murder trial Betty didn’t deny killing them. She simply said:
‘He pushed me too far.’
The Betty Broderick murder case became one of America’s most infamous true-crime sagas because it fused domestic violence, wealth, gender expectations, and divorce warfare into a tabloid-ready tragedy. To supporters, Betty Broderick was a woman psychologically shattered after years of betrayal by a powerful husband who discarded her for a younger woman. To critics, she was a vengeful and batshit crazy ex-wife who turned her scorn into murder.
Yet to me, Betty Broderick is a cautionary tale. I judge her for leaving her children orphans. And as Chump Lady I absolutely reject revenge and violence. But my heart understands her fury.
I hate that these family court injustices still exist.
Even today, according to National Institute of Justice study, if a woman getting a divorce tries to tell the court that her husband is abusive, she is more likely to lose custody of the children. The thumb is on the Scorned scale. Which is why chump rage is still taboo. Which is why Belle Burden can go on Oprah and talk about her ex’s double life and abandonment, but must reassure the audience (at Oprah’s insistence) that she isn’t angry.
Betty Broderick was ANGRY. She didn’t channel it for a better legal outcome (if that was even possible) or a new life, she channeled it at her abusers. And that’s a tragedy.
I felt murderous rage at my cheating (now ex) husband, the depths of which astounded me. When his double life was revealed and my world was absolutely shattered, he slept soundly as I imagined him gutted like a fish. Stem to stern.
I’ve written about this period of insanity. At the very same time I was having these gruesome thoughts, I was pick me dancing. Comparing myself — and being compared by him — to the affair partner(s). Hating him. Grieving him. As the realization dawned on me that I was never loved —
I’d been used.
Every moment I was around him I felt dangerously off-balance. And the provocations — the bullying, the taunting, his rage when asked for any kind of accountability — left me with suicidal ideation. I’d imagine driving myself into highway medians.
And isn’t that the way it usually goes? Women turn their rage into self-harm. Alan Dershowitz’s ex-wife Sue Barlach had a very similar story to Betty Broderick’s. Sue threw herself off the Brooklyn Bridge. Hey, but she wasn’t angry.
I was angry. When my ex, who was my height but twice my width, and who had many guns around the house, and a handgun under our bed, once stood an inch from my face and shrieked that the Other Woman’s tits were bigger than mine. IS THAT WHAT I WANTED TO HEAR? WAS IT? Spittle. Enough with my STUPID QUESTIONS. His face, red, enraged yet also sort of enjoying it?
SMACK.
I boxed his ears. It was completely instinctual. He would not stop screaming in my face. Some primordial part of my brain stem flipped to “fight.” Wham! The flat side of my fist hit his ear. (I learned this move in some self-defense class I took in college.)
He lost his balance and fell over. And I will never, ever forget the look on his face of complete astonishment. He had pushed me too far and I had lost it. I kicked him. And in that moment I knew I was capable of murder. I could’ve killed him. He was prone on the floor, and I could just sh*t kicked the life out of him. I wanted to.
But I didn’t. A voice in my head told me to stop and I stopped.
And he started to cry. Said he was going to report me. So I got his cell phone off the table and handed it to him. “Call the police. DO IT. CALL THEM.”
He didn’t call them. And I didn’t kill him.
There but for the grace of God go I.
Rest in peace, Betty.
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Wow, oh boy does that resemble one of my experiences. During an argument where my husband told me he was back with the OW, but didn’t want to be (poor sad sausage), I punched him. The only time I’ve ever hit anybody. I have been so ashamed of my next reaction, until now. I kicked him. Thank you for sharing CL, you released me from this shame. He was down on the ground, he too was crying, and I kicked him. It wasn’t the last stupid thing I did, not even the last stupid thing that weekend. I’m not ashamed for cutting myself that night, first and last time for that. I’m not ashamed for going to the OW house and breaking two windows and then subsequently turning myself into the police. I’m proud of turning myself in, took the sting out when she called them since I was waiting on their bench. I’d already made friends with a couple of the guys there. The lieutenant ended up helping me out and keeping the outcome worse than apologizing and paying for the windows. And now, I applaud myself for not killing him and her. There was a song by Fiona Apple that comforted me then, Window. “So I had to break the window, It just had to be, Better that I break the window, Than him or her or me”. I agree with CL, if it feels good, don’t do it. Revenge and violence were my reaction, but not my character.
This experience is one of the reasons I am so adamant about no contact. And why I think the RIC is dangerous, because it encourages you to STAY in this volatile environment. I also have never before, and never since hit anyone. Or physically disciplined my child. I’m peace, love and granola and I snapped. And what I did was VERY stupid, because this guy had threatened to kill me. He had guns. And although he never hit me, he threw things at me and threatened me. Who knows where the line is where one side snaps? I don’t feel ashamed of this, but I share it so people leave sooner and don’t let this UNWORTHY horrible person have so much of your power.
I feel this post. Managing my rage has been an exhausting process.
I’ve had to observe my desire for harm and create enough space not to act on it.
At this point I’m finding some of the thoughts that pop into my brain, that I do not act on, rather hilarious.
Just yesterday I saw his eyedrops in the bathroom (its been a long 14 months to get this FW out of my house, he leaves today) and the fully formed thought to rub the applicator on my butt so he’d get pinkeye arrived unbidden. It made me laugh outloud.
When I found a bag of his erm ‘accoutrements’ for his visits to escorts, a friend suggested I hang each item in the trees around the dog walking route our neighbours (and he) takes.
I don’t know if I believe in karma exactly. It seems to me that good people get rained on just as much as bad. But he has to be him. And that must fucking suck.
Thanks for this post. Cathartic.
Congrats on his exit !!! 🥳 🎉 🎊
If there had been a gun in the house, my Ex would be dead. And I’d be in prison. Thank goodness there was no gun in the house at that time. People who have never been so betrayed have no idea the rage and feelings of helplessness that ensues.
I heard about poor Betty’s death and said a prayer for her and her children.
I remember the Lifetime Television movies about her back in the day (do watch it, I’m sure it’s available online somewhere).
I never physically hurt SparkleDick. I didn’t want him dead either. Was I angry? Yeah. But it wasn’t like I didn’t know he was capable of what he did. It didn’t surprise me at all. I was married to him so I knew what a prick he was (and still probably is).
Infidelity is abuse. Her husband and his Schmoopie conspired and colluded to abuse her. Her husband and his Schmoopie conspired and colluded to impoverish her.
Murder is a sin.
As adultery is a sin.
If it feels good don’t do it.
RIP Betty.
Thanks for sharing this personal story, Tracy. It really is astonishing where rage and abuse can take us.
I never hit my XH, but during the split and divorce, I did a number of things I’m not proud of: logging into his FB, posting from his account, tagging the OW and calling her a w**** (this was before timeline review; it 100% published to her feed). Taking his yucky Mormon underwear that he’d left in my apartment yet again and spreading it out on the windshield of his car. Sending a sarcastic snail-mail letter to OW telling her he’s asking me for gas money, can you please take care of “your” man? Calling him up just to howl and rage and scream and cuss at him.
Now I preach and teach at my church, adjunct at a Christian college, and work for law enforcement. I’ve published in one of the best academic journals in my field. I would be super embarrassed if my students or LE colleagues or academic friends were played a reel of those behaviors from me. How in the heck was I ever a person who acted like that??
Betty Broderick seems to have been a rather screwed-up person in her own ways—but I do wonder whether she would have been that person had she not been subjected to years of infidelity and psychological abuse and threatening behaviors by her husband (and later Kolkena). Do we have a chicken (Mr. Broderick) and an egg (crazy, murderous Betty) or just two chickens both laying rotten eggs? We’ll probably never know in this life. But she is a chump cautionary tale for sure.
I can only hope that someone that finds themselves in Betty’s shoes today would have better access to the support (or maybe access to better support) than she had.
LFTT
I hope that too. I think there is a lot more support AND a lot more work to do.
A LOT more work. Thank you for sharing the statistics link about how if you claim abuse you are punished by the system, not to mention usually your own larger community. Men need to only claim “She is crazy”. Amber Heard case was a huge legal backward moment, up there with the rescind of Roe v Wade. It’s 2 steps forward and 1 and 1/2 back. And yes also so much to NO CONTACT. I never thought about it in terms of doing less stupid things, but just as avoiding his abuse. But YES! I had incredibly violent thoughts, and have them less just by being here for support, and the passage of time. But I would not be sad if he were dead. Fairly certain of that. I recently found out that his mother is still alive and that saddened me, as she and his siblings were always abusive to me as well. They are scum of the earth, they only know entitlement and “of what use you are”. Terrifying people who his friends early on said “you need to get him away from them”. That didn’t work. There was no “saving ” him. Or “teaching him how to love” or all that shit I spent decades trying to do. Trust people when they show their real self the first time as Maya Anjalou. I do that relentlessly now, and my world is smaller, and so much better.
No, there is no better support today. Women are not allowed to express rage, period. In therapy sessions, in the courts, anywhere.
Mostly agree with this comment. Unreal how little we care about women, and how we still blame them for everything. I read a novel realty The Four Spent the Day Together and in it the mother is called – clinically!- a refrigerator mom because her child was autistic. We don’t use that term anymore, but we blame women always for everything bad.
I remember how that was. My FW also would not screaming in my face. It went on for days and days. He never even tried to control himself. Still doesn’t. Entitlement!
“What a shame she went mad
You made her like that”
Read Chump lady as soon as you sniff deceit and feel the abuse in your gut..do NOT WAIT. Get your ducks in a row..very quickly. See a good attorney while you still have marital assets. They are sneaky, you get more sneaky. Get what you need, tax papers, the safe code. Keep doing what you do. Smile pretty, cook, take kids to practice. Get apartment ready or whatever your lawyer says. Stealth is essential. Don’t get to raging, don’t leak any information. Do not give second and third chances. Then treat this as a nighttime strike carried out by Navy Seals. Know your rights and strike.
I believe that woman who take men back or ignore the red signs or keep going as they are abused..DO TAKE TOO MUCH and cannot recover their control.
Leave early before you feel the murderous shift and don’t get revenge, get what you deserve.
It is Never worth leaving kids behind and often the abuser gets tired of the kids and you get them anyway.
Please don’t go too far. The future can be better than you think and far better than death row.
I asked ChatGPT to give me a list of men who murdered their wives and were paroled or served less time than Betty Broderick, but it won’t answer me directly. It says that her case wasn’t plea bargained, and she never expressed remorse.
When my ex was being truly horrible to me one day, was still living in the house (do not do this!) and yelling at me about something, probably money (no kids, Thank God!) my sweet little dog, which he actually had given me for Christmas and which never hurt a fly, before or after, calmly walked over to him and bit him on the arm. Not hard – No skin broken, but he was so shocked it shut him right up and he moved out shortly after. I obviously didn’t want to encourage her to bite anyone, but she picked the right person and time if she ever was going to do it.
It was 5 years ago last Christmas that my niece was beaten nearly to death by her husband. They were seperated and she was picking up their 2 sons. He started to yell at her and she laughed at him. One son ran for help at a neighber who called the police. The ER doc said that quick action saved her life My niece is still recovering from from her extensive injuries and her husband got 5 years in prison. He lost lost his, job, his teaching liciense, and his relationship with his sons. The violence that night shattered that family and my grand nephews suffer from the trauma. I do understand anger, but we need to remember that violence affects everyone.