When I Ask Questions About His Affairs He Says I’m ‘Abusive’
Her husband has had a long double life, but when she asks him questions about his affairs, he calls her abusive and refuses to answer.
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Dear Chump Lady,
I found out that my husband of roughly 17 years had a double life of massage parlors, “paid by the hour girlfriends”, hook-ups and p*rn for at least half of our marriage, if not more.
I knew that he’d deny everything.
So, I waited until I managed to get a photo of him leaving a massage parlor. It took a while to do this, but it also gave me time to untangle all the lies and financial infidelity that he engaged in as well.
When I confronted him, he denied it until I said I had photos. He then had to admit that, but continued to lie about, well, pretty much everything. At his request we went through a therapeutic disclosure that was to be followed by a polygraph test.
He lied straight through it. And afterward he told me he felt ‘attacked.’
What I do know is mostly what I put together myself. He even cheated when I was with my sister and mom when I was with them as they died. When I asked him questions about the locations of the massage parlors, he accused me of being abusive.
He is unable to account for tens of thousands of cash withdrawals over the years. When I questioned a $1400 withdrawal in a bank from about 9 years ago, he said he couldn’t remember and that it shouldn’t matter it was so long ago.
I could go on and on (and might have already — if I did — sorry!) but my problem is getting up my nerve to tell him it’s over. I feel more capable of this in the moments in which I am angry — but there are a lot of moments where I can’t be angry (we have kids at home) and I act civilly and then it becomes harder to say the words. I want to be on the other side and I wish I’d just left immediately, but here we are.
I just need some help getting to the other side.
Why am I so stuck?
Thank you for your website!
Stuck
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Dear Stuck,
You don’t tell him it’s over. You END it.
Go to a lawyer with all your photos, all your financial statements and evidence that he’s been diverting money for years, and you file for divorce. And you don’t say one word until every duck is lined up.
This is not a consensus issue.
This is a you-protect-yourself issue. He’s been risking your health and welfare for YEARS. Of course he feels attacked now that you’re boldly questioning his unquestioned entitlement. In his narcissistic noggin that does feel abusive.
I know that’s bonkers. To be clear, he’s the bad actor and you’re his victim. But to his disordered mind HOW DARE YOU stop being a chump! HOW DARE YOU demand accountability! Heads must roll!
That’s why you don’t say anything about leaving him. This is a very dangerous time and he’s a freak. I’m sorry, I know you invested most of your entire adult life with this freak and bred with him. You’re not alone in that big life mistake club. But the rest of your life starts today. He’s irredeemable.
Recognize you have nothing to work with.
When I confronted him, he denied it until I said I had photos.
Lying to you is second nature. It’s his basic operating system.
He then had to admit that, but continued to lie about, well, pretty much everything.
Okay, so not only does he lie, he leans into his lies when challenged.
At his request we went through a therapeutic disclosure that was to be followed by a polygraph test.
This is some bullshit. He’s stalling for time. Making a faux gesture of remorse (I’ll agree to a polygraph! I’ll tell you everything!) and then… refuses to tell you anything.
He lied straight through it.
I rest my case.
And afterward he told me he felt ‘attacked.’
He feels attacked for the disclosure he said he wanted. Well, that’s a mindf*ck.
You’re not attacking him, you’re asking for accountability.
He’s not an honest broker, ergo, you can never feel safe with this man. And staying with him models terrible things to the kids about how people behave in relationships and in life. It Is Good to Be King. If You Do Not Submit, You Will Be Punished. Unhappy? Lie to Get What You Want.
Are those your values? No? Then shut that sh*t down. Divorce is hard on everyone, I won’t sugar coat it, but the peace and sanity are worth it.
Why am I so stuck?
You’re not stuck. You have the power to leave him. I’ve written about the forces that keep us stuck with cheaters. But at the end of the day, you simply have to decide you’re worth more than this. You have to liberate yourself. Many, many people have walked this path before you and survived and you can too.
Call that lawyer today.
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Mine said I was abusive and crazy, truly dangerous. He told his family and his attorney that.
Well, my relationship with his family got ugly anyway; they refused to believe that he had done anything wrong. Maybe I wasn’t crazy, but we definitely had to reconcile, no matter what. I couldn’t deal with that and told them that I was going my own way. From what little I know, they eventually figured it out, but kept that to themselves out of shame because religious extended families don’t have divorces, you know.
The attorney figured it out because you can’t fool an older attorney with decades of experience. Apparently, he was in a bit of a financial bind and was not selective about his cases, according to what he told mine late in the proceedings. But he did figure out who was who and ultimately got it settled, which I’m thankful for. And he bragged to mine about overbilling my STBX because he couldn’t stand him. Well, not exactly ethical.
I’m thankful that my attorney recommended no contact during the negotiations because it helped me stand on my truth and to let go of trying to justify myself with someone who was so disordered in his thinking. I did allow email during closeout because I felt ready, and I did fine with ignoring his blame-and-game. That was empowering. We didn’t have custody issues (college kids), and we had crafted the settlement so there was no need for long-term contact over anything. Eventually, he let go.
Life is truly good on the other side, but oh, getting there was hard.
It’s interesting that your FW’s family felt they had the right to tell you what to do. I can understand urging you to reconcile, but telling you that was your only option? I guess that goes along with what sounds like a strong belief in patriarchy.
Also, as far as your FW’s lawyer overcharging, I believe many lawyers tailor their fees as they please. I say, good for him.
Yes, very patriarchal, horrifyingly so. When my husband called to say that he wanted a divorce, he justified it by saying that I was a “rebel wife.” Mmm….and who is the true rebel here? Mostly, I listened in on that call to get intel, but it was wild.
My ex’s attorney even bragged to mine about putting my STBX on speaker, muting himself, and then working another case. So he was double-billing and letting my STBX talk as long as he wanted.
In contrast, mine would periodically say, “This one’s on me,” and not charge me. He was the firm’s founder and managing partner, so his call.
Yes, apparently, these high-level types bill as they see fit. My ex’s attorney was also the founder and managing partner of his firm.
Polygraph tests mean nothing. They are not even admissible as evidence in court anymore because they are so unreliable. He did that as a song and dance to get you to shut up.
You’re not abusing him. He’s co-opting therapy language to use against you when you press for the truth. To someone who thinks he’s entitled to do anything he wants without question, accountability feels like abuse. It isn’t and it never will be. But he’ll act like you kicked his puppy and drowned a kitten whenever you ask “What did you spend $5000 on in February??” Then it becomes about you defending yourself from his cries of abuse and not about his years of deceit.
That being said, you know the truth. You’ve seen the missing money, you have the pictures. You don’t need him to admit it. And so far, we’ve seen he’s only willing to cop to what he’s sure you already know, and only when you have hard evidence. It’s trickle truth. “I never cheated on you!” (Show him photos) “ok that time I did” (drip…) “I never spent marital assets on that!” (Bank statement) “well…that was a while ago…” (drop…)
He’s not telling you anything else because he thinks you don’t know anything else. You don’t need to waste time getting him to admit to everything drip by drip with each receipt and Polaroid.
Talk to a lawyer, get everything lined up, and get out. Don’t show him your hand before you tell him it’s done though. And separate what finances you have. If he’s capable of spending thousands behind your back, he’d have no problem wiping out your shared accounts. Make sure you’re protected and have a plan before he’s served.
I really, really hope Stuck listens to Chump Lady and you.
Please listen to Chumplady on this. You have nothing to work with, he will never, ever change. Everyone here knows how scary it is to consider leaving someone you’ve spent your life with. But you CAN do it. I was you three years ago, when I finally got up the courage to leave after 34 years with a FW. I won’t kid you, it was awful, it was a wall of pain. I was absolutely convinced I’d never feel happy again, and that my life was pretty much over.
Three years later, life is good again. It’s not perfect, Pennywise is STILL dragging out the divorce while living with the Schmoopie he moved into my house as soon as I left. I have yet to see a dime in settlement money, and I’m working two jobs at the age of 60 to recoup some of my financial losses.
But there is SO much good in my life. I live close to all three of my children (Pennywise lives 600 miles away, and rarely talks to his kids), I have a beautiful new grandbaby who I get to see every day, I have good friends and extended family who have stood by me through everything, even when I was a blubbering, sobbing mess for months. Sure I work hard, but it’s work I enjoy – an these days there’s no sulking husband giving me crap because his dinner isn’t on the table because I had to work late. I get to go where I want when I want and have my home exactly the way I want it, without guilt. It’s wonderful. And if I can come through this, so can you, because there were times I really thought I wasn’t going to make it.
Best of all, I have self respect again. I KNOW I deserve better, and so do you. Everyone here is wonderful and supportive, come here whenever you feel wobbly. We’re all pulling for you!!
Yes, and especially to the self respect!
I dealt with a bit of that when I was sucked in the RIC. I was allowed to ask questions and he was supposed to answer but then he lied and then he said I was making him feel bad so the counselor said I needed to work harder to put this episode behind me.
CALL AN ATTORNEY. Don’t just consult by phone. Walk into an attorney’s office. Sort out what assets and accounts there are. Present all the questionable disappearing cash records. It’s called dissipation of marital assets. You will feel empowered by a good attorney. Get a session with a counselor to work through your inability to uphold your boundaries as a separate issue. But you MUST get a legal consult. Your eyes will clear.
My fear is he has bought himself time to hide assets and lawyer up and the LW will be caught flat footed. She knows the right answer. Once you put one foot in front of the other, you find your way and gather strength. MAKE THE CALL.
P.S. Consult more than one attorney to find the best fit. Choosing the right attorney is so important.
Here’s the thing…he’s a lying liar who lies. If he tells you it’s raining, check the weather before you act on what he said. Assume that nothing coming out of his mouth is the truth. His poor pitiful me stuff is just an act. His cries of abuse are just him trying to mess with your mind. And while he’s acting like a wounded puppy he’s still cheating and stealing marital assets. Now that he knows you’re onto him, he could be setting up an separate bank account so you can’t see what he’s doing with “his” money (which is a MARITAL asset, not just his).
My ex and I were theoretically on a temporary separation when he opened a separate bank account and withheld funds from me. I was a stay-at-home mom with three minor children and two in college. Tuition was due in a month. Fortunately, there was an account I could pull money from to keep the family afloat until I got the lawyers involved. And after that he went around telling anybody who would listen that I “stole” his money.
That temporary separation never ended.
Don’t be me. Don’t sit there waiting for the next awful thing to happen. Getting divorced was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but it was worth it. I am free from the horror show that was my life. There is peace on the other side.
That sounds awful and I’m glad you made it out to the other side. He’s just so good at lying. I specifically told the therapists that I was concerned that he was going to continue to lie and they would not be able to tell and I was assured that the therapist would be able to tell as they had so much experience. Thank you for the hope.
It is impossible for anyone to claim they can always tell if someone is lying.
Mary Ellen O’Toole is a retired expert FBI profiler who wrote a book called Dangerous Instincts. She worked many very famous high profile serial killer cases. She says there are people so good at lying that they can fool even expert FBI profilers like herself.
In my own case, and I was a psychology major, former husband and I had been in regular counseling the entirety of our 27 years together as preventative maintenance. It was a shock to both the therapists we had worked with that he had been lying lying lying the entire time.
Once again, there is no such thing as a person who can ALWAYS tell. People like to believe it because the truth is really scary.
Wow. That is awful. We had seen a marriage counselor previously and when this happened and I went to book individual counseling with her, her initial reaction was to ask if he might have a brain tumor since it seemed so out of character from how he presented himself in our marriage counseling.
This is why we don’t do marriage counseling with liars.
There are loads of bad therapists out there. Been through 8+ in the 3 decades with FW.
You need a trauma informed therapist who isn’t spouting RIC crap and knows personality disorders.
Also some just want to collect the weekly payment so you seeing the light and getting out isn’t aligned with their financial incentives.
Lawyer up. My FW narcopath stole a 7 figure sum over years of cheating. Feel all the sads later. Cry later. Pathological lying is legit crazy and yes I thought FW had a brain tumor. That therapist should know better so she’s not very good.
Act now, strategically and smartly.
Yes. Exactly. Good liars are the people most likely to live a double life. The person who can fool the experts has some kind of serious pathology going on.
My ex told me that he was a “bad liar.” I was a naive fool and believed him.
Your letter and your research leads me to believe you care about fairness and loyalty. Those values and effort should now belong only to you and your children. That is a result of HIS actions which you cannot control or undo. You do not owe him a heads up or an explanation. Put together your support team and take back your future.
Thank you, yes, those are two core beliefs of mine. And yes, good point, those values should be pointed at myself and the kids.
My ex-wife had the nerve to call me “controlling” for telling her I wouldn’t play second fiddle. It’s pretty nuts what they come up with. Even her shitty recollection therapist couldn’t cover for that one
It’s funny, I just read a book called “Broken to Brave”, subtitled, “Your Courageous Act of Healing After Intimate Betrayal”. (I do NOT recommend it!) The author says a number of times that ‘full disclosure’ is important before the relationship can continue. I would like to know how could anyone get ‘full disclosure’ from a lying liar who lies?? The author suggests that part of it could be done in a therapy session (or two or more). Oh, sure, because no lying cheater has ever lied to a therapist! And no therapist has ever fallen for the lies of a lying cheater! No thank you, I will stick with the wisdom of Chumplady!
Yes, I had guarded hopes for the disclosure, especially given that he was willing to to do the polygraph. I will likely never know the full truth, but I know enough I think.
Yes, you do. And you will get lots of support on this site.
One of the most valuable lessons I learned from Chump Lady is “Divorce is not a consensus issue.” Meaning it isn’t a joint decision and you don’t have to ask for it or get your spouse on board. You decide that his actions are not acceptable to you–another Chump Lady gem of a lesson–and you see a lawyer to get the divorce going.
Sounds eerily familiar.
Thank you for the advice! Somewhat ironically, I am a lawyer. So I feel fairly well covered in regards to the legal part. Which is why it’s confusing to be so stuck – I know I have that advantage and others (a decent job) and am very fortunate in that way. I have never been great at decisions or ending things and once I do this, there is no going back. And maybe that’s part of what’s causing the difficulty – the permanence.
Are you a family law lawyer? Even as a lawyer, you need a lawyer. (Plenty of lawyers in this community who lawyered up. Including Mr. CL.) Yes, there is no going back. That’s what’s going to heal you — no contact. It hurts now because your head is stuck in the mind*ck blender.
Not a family law lawyer, although I am now thinking of branching out into that area. We have kids in the home still, so no contact isn’t really a possibility. I’m trying to keep things on as even a keel and civil for their sake.
You need a divorce lawyer. He’s a lying FW. Your lawyer gets to be the bad cop and at the same time help you stay realistic.
You would be surprised at how low your contact can be even with minor children in the mix. He doesn’t need to know everything that’s going on at your house or in your life. He just needs to know things about parenting. And frankly, if he’s the disordered freak that I think he is, he will stop seeing the kids in short order.
I had always thought that my ex liked the kids, he just treated ME with contempt. Turns out he acted like he felt nothing for them as soon as the divorce was filed. The kids weren’t useful to him so they didn’t matter.
Yep I was shocked too, because FW screamed at me that I was the problem and how much he loved them. He pretty much has abandoned them post divorce because they’re not really useful for the Impression management anymore.
Heartbreaking but ultimately for the best they see the truth. My son told me today that he will use this experience to figure out who’s a narcissists in his future to avoid them. That’s already smarter than I ever was.
Even the smartest and bravest and whatever-est among chumps are stuck because of that emotional investment and/or sunk costs. We feel, we’ve intertwined lives, we’ve invested – it means something to us. Thinking of the changes ahead and permanence of those changes can get to anyone, even when you can see the writing on the wall that the relationship is twitchingly close to deceased. You have nothing to work with when you are dealing with a liar. And these are BIG lies. However will you know he’s telling you the truth again? Everything Chump Lady and the commenters have said here is gold. Please don’t waste another second with this turd – and if you feel yourself shorting out because of the mindf*ck, just think about how much he’s already harmed you and the kids and how much more damage he could do with more time. Let the anger of the position he’s put you in power you out of this mess. Because when you think about that aspect of this, why would you want to ever go back? What would you even have to go back to? I swear, there is light on the other side – you’ve got this!
Thank you! I know I will never know if he’s telling the truth. I’ve always valued family and he’s been a part of that and leaving him feels like leaving a portion of that history behind as well – there won’t be someone to say, “remember when…” Which is hard since I’ve lost my mom and sister. Which is life I suppose – I’m not the first person to lose people. I am someone who can quite literally eat the same thing for breakfast for years, so leaving someone I’ve been with for so long is daunting. Perhaps I should start with changing up my breakfast! Thank you for your support.
You’re a lawyer. You can file for divorce (or separation, if your state requires that) and then not finalize it for a year or two as you adjust to the change. And once you get through the divorce, if he doesn’t behave like a total jackass, you can “remember when” once in a while at a graduation or a wedding.
Let me give you a view from age 74. I’m divorced. My parents and their siblings passed years ago. My closest cousin and I don’t do a lot of “remember when” because our families were estranged when we were in high school and college and for me remembering that time is painful. When you get to my age, your memories are increasingly your own as your friends and family pass. This is the nature of life. I’m also someone who can eat the same breakfast every day, but what I’ve learned is that if that breakfast isn’t good for me, I eat something else. Just today I made my protein shake without raspberries because I’m recovering from a dental issue. if you hold on to the past, you can’t live in the present. Don’t be afraid of change. That’s how we grow.
“…and leaving him feels like leaving a portion of that history behind …”
Dear Stuck. You’re not leaving him. He’s already left. He checked out of the marriage way back when. All you’re doing is tidying up the sh*t of his selfish, deeply hurtful actions. He put all this in motion. This is just the consequence. So you don’t need to feel bad. You are absolutely doing the right thing. But I know it feels scary.
Where I’m from, we file for separation (includes division of assets etc). Divorce can’t be filed until two years later. And I must admit, even as I signed the separation papers on Christmas Eve, I said to the lawyer “I’m doing the right thing aren’t I?” “Yes, you’re doing the right thing.” And I knew I was. But it just seems so hard to fathom. And my now ex was no where near what you have had to put up with.
You go be Mighty, Stuck. You go get Unstuck and you go Stick up for yourself. You absolutely do not deserve to be treated this way. Ever. You go Stick up for your kids.
Nobody puts Stuck in the corner.
Hugs and love to you Unstuck 💕
It’s OK, you’ll be able to “remember when”, and I’m sure to some extent the kids will too. I’m so sorry about your mom and sister. I know my family was a big support for me during this time, so I can imagine how big that loss feels now. Perhaps you have extended family, friends, neighbors, colleagues who could be there for you too. This very community has also been huge – despite being virtual and quasi-para-social, these are the people who don’t burn out on this nonsense because we’ve all been through it. As far as your breakfast goes, sometimes change will present an opportunity and feel better, and sometimes you can dig into routine to keep sane and stay on target. I think I ended up steering with my gut (instinct) most of the way. You will find you know how to do more than you think the more you focus on your well-being and the further you separate yourself from the disorder.
Thank you so much for the kind words. This is just such a weird space to be since it’s not really a story I can just tell anyone. I’ve been fortunate to have friends and family that have been super supportive. And the comments here have moved me and helped. It is good to hear your experience. I’ve been trying to find the right way to navigate these waters and it’s good to hear others made it through. This has made me miss my mom and sister even more since they are two people I would have gone to and depended on.
I am so sorry you lost your mom and sister. My FW made fun of me for eating the same breakfast everyday for years. May I suggest you take that stick-to-it mentality and you go on autopilot? You know what to do as a lawyer, and just keep on going to the next step. That is what I did: move out documents, find lawyer, find storage unit, find hotel, find apartment, etc. I thought I couldn‘t survive without FW due to my anxiety and burn out at work. But low and behold, my life is so much better without him. The anxiety is so much better. Work is great. My colleagues tell me how much happier I seem now. I never realized how much energy his lies and gaslighting were sucking out of me. The wall of pain is huge, but at the same time, life is so much better. Wishing you the best and come back here for support.
I’m like that. I had a lot of letting go of long-term presences in my life, including my husband, my work, and my church.
Now, nearly everything is new, and it’s truly fine.
DARVO, baby! Ex FW tried on some poor-me hats – even called my parents to tell them he was concerned about me…because I was reacting in proportion to my life being blown up, maybe? It didn’t matter – they called me to tell me of the strange incident, and he didn’t try anything with them again. I’m sure he sobbed to his own relatives and friends. I didn’t care then, and I don’t care now. The truth of who he is and what he did is the truth.
In trying to go deeper when I thought it would go somewhere and we could figure it out “together”, I only ever got trickle truth. In both staying or going, I had to be OK with never knowing everything because I won’t – I was dealing with a lying liar who lies. So I went. It’s a delay tactic – they hope you stay hanging on while you figure out and reason and try to make sense out of everything they’re doing, have done, or will ever do. When you step away from the mindf*ck, you will find that the pain is finite – emotional/mental and even health ailments will lift (that mind-body connection is a powerful thing). Why continue to invest in someone who is actively harming you, and is perfectly content watching you flounder and scramble for the truth? This is not the person you thought he was – one of the biggest reasons we get stuck is trying to make sense of your experience. There’s nothing more to make sense of than that was a mask, not a man. Right now YOU are the best investment of your time and energy, for yourself and your kids.
Absolutely, you hit the nail on the head with the delay tactic. I had questioned him previously about certain spending, but he blew me off and then life got in the way and time passed. I worked but took care of the majority of the home stuff, so it was hard to have the energy to pursue the questions (prior to finding out what he was up to).
Run! Run far and run fast. Line up the ducks and then get away from him. Trust the Chumps here who will tell you, it will only get worse.
35 years, 31 married to a psychopath, hundreds of prostitutes and 100’s of thousands of marital assets gone with untold lost compounded net worth. You can’t polygraph a psychopath or a sociopath. The RIC is built on a model that controls the victims of their patients in order to maintain cash flow.
Do the following 1. Get control of the money, 2. Get a lawyer, 3. Get a therapist (one that specializes in escaping coercive control and trauma response). Anyone who tells you to get past, forgive, or that you are at fault is in league with FW or profiting off your abuse.
It is vital that you stay silent while you gather as much evidence as possible – bank/credit card/financial records, phone records, never have a conversation with FW without a witness or if in a 1party consent state – record it. All conversations are to gather evidence. FW’s never tell much but they reveal some and contradict themselves. Document document document.
Create your financial plan so you can bargain from positions that benefit you. Never reveal what you will settle for. Create at least 3 bargaining positions – the bottom is above what you need to walk away with. Be thorough. Then when you are ready, serve the divorce papers.
This is excellent negotiating advice. I didn’t reveal what I was looking for and I got a better settlement than I thought I would get. Also, my lawyer wasn’t a good negotiator and so I had to write all my own settlement offers. Get a team of friends/family members you can trust and strategize about the negotiations.
Agree 100% – build your team with the experts you need. The financial strategy is essential to establish your negotiating positions.
My brother helped me in my negotiations.
We have very similar stories.
I rang solicitors 2 days after I found out. I’m not going to lie, its been a very hard road. He has lied throughout and manipulated, raged and continued to abuse.
You know what though? Like you I got irrefutable evidence. I went through all that data with a fine tooth comb and have it all ready, at any time. Thats the bottom line. You dont realise it yet, but you have the power here. Not him.
It will take time and will power, but you can get him out of your life and the fog will finally lift.
Rooting for you.
Thank you! And I’m so sorry you had to go through this too. I feel like at this point I could open up my own investigative service.
Okay I’m guessing you are not in criminal defense. Those attorneys jokingly /not jokingly say assume 100% of your clients are liars. Adopt that attitude towards your soon to be ex-husband.
The lies you’ve found are only the tip of the iceberg. More will come out even years later. I’m an ivy league educated professional and couldn’t believe the secrets that I was uncovering! But we trust those we love and narcissistic personality disordered sociopaths exploit that in chumps.
You don’t need to be investigating the whole iceberg Titanic style you know enough to get the hell out.
Gather all the financial information you can now; process your emotions later.
Wow so many details of this post describe my situation exactly, the secret por*, escorts, parlors, the cash withdrawals, the photo evidence, the “I don’t know” about that missing money, stop asking me total DARVO making me out to be a beeyotch for asking!
OP You’re playing kindergarten checkers thinking about keeping it civil (suppression of your own emotions and reactions) and being a goody two shoes while the FW has been playing 3D chess gaslighting you. Chumpiness that many of us wasted time doing. A very dangerous time indeed, you need to gather strength and just get out alive!
Get angry, and stop pretending in front of the kids unless they’re under 5. Model self respect for them. Plan an escape. Listen to Tracy.
Also document his abuse in some way, texts to friends, therapy, call DV helpline, employee assistance hotline, anything! It’s not an uncommon tactic for FW to reverse it and accuse the chump of abuse in order to “win” and screw them over very VERY badly!
This guy’s actions and words are all a mindFucque.
You can do it! Liberate yourself! As Sarah says on the podcast, “My life is so much better without him.”
Yup. DARVO. Because we’re the problem. The FW XW tried that with me. Then progressed (or regressed?) to saying I was having a mid-life crisis. Really? Was I the one effing their 15 years older, skanky but rich boss? No, I was not.
‘Abusive’ is a word that my ex-wife used every other sentence when I reacted to the trauma of discovering that she was a serial cheater. They use this word as a means of deflection.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It sucks and you don’t deserve it. I can relate and felt many things that you are feeling. In addition, my spouse did and said many of the same diversions it sounds like your fuckwit is doing. If my ex is correct- I’m a bipolar, abusive, autistic, bully, who is an insecure narcissist that no one agrees with.
I was right there where you are, trying to figure out how to end it, wanting to believe, even though every sign pointed to I need to. She treated me so poorly, lying to my face and therapist with the ease that was so shocking a scary, raging when I asked questions, throwing away my things, threatening me with zero if I file for divorce.
The way I did it? I wrote many lists of all the bad shit she had done once I found out about the decades of cheating, and it’s insane the length. I still look at those to this day. I hired a super lawyer, gave them all the evidence and information, and they took care of the rest. The process sucked, but I feel so much more at peace now not being lied to or attacked or love bombed to start it all over again, what that does to our bodies is insane.
remember this YOU DESERVE BETTER! He is not showing you respect, love, friendship, or completely lacks character.
Your kids will be better off outside of a toxic environment. Someday they will see the strength it took for you to leave a liar and respect you for it.
I wish I could reach through the comments and hug you and tell you you will be okay, that it will be very hard, but worth it.
I’m rooting for you and your new life.
Post again if you need support or help, you’re not alone.
Being stuck and floundering is a terrible place to be. It leaves you weak from all the brain gymnastics you have to do. I just don’t recommend playing games with these people and threatening or arguing or demanding or getting furious. It wastes so much precious energy and leaves you more vulnerable to verbal abuse because it works to weaken every muscle in your body,especially your brain.
Get support, see a lawyer go stealth but do not play games. This is serious and you need all the support you can get. Fear kept me weak but anger and fear got me out.
One way to get unstuck is to make a To Do list and work through it to prepare to leave. You don’t have to pack now and be gone tomorrow. Here’s a start.
This looks like a lot of work, but give yourself 30-60 days to get through it, at least at the “appointment” stage. Once you’ve talked to lawyers and picked one, you’ll be ready to file and go. So as you work through the list, you can also be thinking about what you want in a settlement, whether you want the house, whether you need to move close to family for support.
One way to get unstuck is to make a To Do list and work through it to prepare to leave. You don’t have to pack now and be gone tomorrow. Here’s a start.
This looks like a lot of work, but give yourself 30-60 days to get through it, at least at the “appointment” stage. Once you’ve talked to lawyers and picked one, you’ll be ready to file and go. So as you work through the list, you can also be thinking about what you want in a settlement, whether you want the house, whether you need to move close to family for support.