I Caught Her with the Other Man

He thought they were partners, and then he caught her again with the Other Man. Yet, he still can’t let go.

***

Dear Chump Lady,

My partner of 8 years had an affair with another man over a year ago.

When I confronted her about it, she chose him. 

A month later he dumped her.

Then he went back to her for another month… Then he dumped her again (on the basis that he said he was fearful avoidant).

For 9 months, we slowly rebuilt our relationship to the point that we were again partners by last Christmas.

A week later, he showed up at her front door… And she withdrew from me.

She spent 3 months “processing” the history of everything, but told me she had “no interest in ever going back to him”. All that time she was keeping me on the hook waiting, but telling me she wasn’t with him.

She went away for a month, and on her return I went to see her. 

When I got to her house I saw them through the window. She was naked and his face was buried between her legs. 

It is the most horrific and traumatic thing that I have ever seen.

I can’t get the image out of my head.

I love this lady more than life itself and I can’t bear the thought of her with him. 

He has bragging to his friends about all that achieves with her (along with other ladies that he is manipulating for sex), but I can’t protect her from him.

I feel powerless and sick at the thought of what is going on.

I need to move on — somehow — but it’s so hard to do so.

Any guidance?

Oz Chump

***

Dear Oz Chump,

Yes. She’s not your partner. She’s a mind*ck.

Read that again.

She’s not your partner.

Stop calling her your partner. Stop investing in her. And for God’s sakes, stop thinking she’s some poor moppet who needs protecting. She’s an adult who made choices, which include deceiving you.

Reality alert: She was not spending three months “processing”. She’s not a Kodak darkroom. Nor is she misunderstood, confused, or having some cliched torn-between-two-lovers crisis.

By way of instruction, let’s go point by point through your letter and bitch slap you. (With love. We’ve all been chumps here.)

My partner of 8 years had an affair with another man over a year ago.

Was this a dealbreaker for you? And if not, why not?

When I confronted her about it, she chose him. 

You had to confront her. Meaning, she was quite happy to go on deceiving you. Having your investment, plus a f*ck on the side was working for her. You, the wronged party here, had to endure the additional insult of confronting her. Think about that.

What does this tell you about her character?

It tells you she’s not an adult who considers your welfare. She weighs the cost-benefit analysis of honest disclosure and chooses a rigged system that benefits her. You in the dark. Her entitlement intact.

she chose him.

Proper response: Don’t let the door knob hit you where the dear Lord split you.

You invested 8 years of your life in this person, I get it. But she deceived, rejected, and devalued you. Rookie mistake borne of grief, you pick me danced. You took her ambivalence as permission to keep investing. Instead of asking yourself: Is this relationship ACCEPTABLE to me? Not as you thought it was, or hoped it could be, but AS IT IS.

Casual betrayal followed by massive rejection is not the stuff of solid relationships (regardless of what Esther Perel says).

Don’t grovel.

A month later he dumped her.

Oh yay. You win the pick-me-dance by attrition. Throw confetti.

Oz, do you really want to be Plan B?

Then he went back to her for another month.

Please notice your passive sentence construction here. She does this, he does that. Where are YOU here? It’s like THEY are the deciders and you’re the spectator. Well, I’ll just wait and see what they do next…

NO. YOU ARE THE DECIDER.

Who cares what they are doing! Is this cluster okay with you?!

Then he dumped her again (on the basis that he said he was fearful avoidant).

She told you this?! It’s bad enough she’s jerking you around, but now she’s sharing his sad sausage avoidance issues? LIKE YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO CARE? WTF does that even look like? Oh yes, it’s a shame he can’t bond with you.

Tell them to shove their pop psychology diagnoses up their poop shoots. WHY AREN’T YOU ANGRY?

For 9 months, we slowly rebuilt our relationship to the point that we were again partners by last Christmas.

Oh well I guess the menace of the Other Man is contained because of his avoidance issues. Oz, you realize this is total bullish*t, right? You thought you were rebuilding, she’s probably out there crafting dating profiles. Whatever, it doesn’t even matter. You should’ve been done with this person back in our first paragraph.

A week later, he showed up at her front door… And she withdrew from me.

Avoidance issues cured! Thank you. Your services are no longer needed.

She spent 3 months “processing” the history of everything, but told me she had “no interest in ever going back to him”.

You think she withdrew from you to “process”? I’m a jelly donut.

She went back to him three times, at least. Pay attention to her actions.

She’s a lying liar who lies.

All that time she was keeping me on the hook waiting, but telling me she wasn’t with him. She went away for a month, and on her return I went to see her.

People who are serious about working on their failing relationship after infidelity don’t go away for a MONTH. Cheaters do that.

When I got to her house I saw them through the window. She was naked and his face was buried between her legs. 

It is the most horrific and traumatic thing that I have ever seen.

I want you to reframe “this is the most horrific thing I have ever seen” to — he is THAT BAD at sex. It’s horrific because they’re horrific, shallow, worthless people.

I know it hurts. Really. (((hugs)). I’m also many years out from this kind of heartbreak and I’m here to tell you that they’re ridiculous. They’re both rutting around like their tingling loins are the most important thing instead of how you treat people.

You don’t want validation from garbage people.

I can’t get the image out of my head.

I love this lady more than life itself and I can’t bear the thought of her with him.

You can bear it. I’m here to tell you that you can bear it and someday you’ll even point and laugh at its acne-pocked ass cheeks.

I forbid you to love this idiot more than life itself. Your life is WORTH MORE than a f*ckwit. You misplaced your love. It happens. I have a big blog community because it happens a lot. It’s a completely curable condition. Being chumped doesn’t mean you’re unlovable, it means you loved unwisely. You invested in someone who wasn’t invested back. Once you realize that, you can stop investing and leave the table.

He has bragging to his friends about all that he achieves with her (along with other ladies that he is manipulating for sex), but I can’t protect her from him.

Who cares what he brags about or who he says it to? He’s the bludgeon your partner is hitting you with. He’s not a wily seducer — he’s available. If she in turn gets cheated on by him? (whack!) Karma, baby.

His complicated love rhombus is not your business. You could fill your brain with a thousand things more improving than Rico Suave’s bed notches. As for her, she doesn’t need protecting, she’s choosing this nimrod. Neither of them are your problem any longer unless you choose to make them your problem.

I feel powerless and sick at the thought of what is going on.

It will pass. The pain is finite.

You are NOT powerless.

Yes, an entire blog, book, and podcast series. The important thing is that you realize you need to move on. Stop saying it’s hard, and start doing the hard things. Go no contact. Burn the bed sheets. Let her have Mr. Avoidance Issues.

And when he inevitably avoids her again? Don’t pick up the phone. You’re not a consolation prize.