Did The Other Woman ‘Save Him’?
She’s comparing herself to the Other Woman and wondering did she save him from a bad marriage? Maybe he is happier now. Or is this all an affair fantasy?
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Dear Chump Lady,
My husband of 17 years had an affair and is now living with the other woman. I’m still stuck on the question I know I’m probably not supposed to care about anymore:
Is this real love, or affair fantasy?
We have two children and had what I thought was a real, imperfect, long marriage. There were hard years — I had major health problems, surgeries, pain, a colostomy, terrible skin issues, kids, a house, livestock, bills, and all the exhaustion that comes with actual life.
I was not a perfect wife. I got overwhelmed, I got angry, I complained, I didn’t always want sex. And I didn’t like being grabbed in front of the kids. Sometimes intimacy felt like one more demand when I was already depleted.
I can see things now that I wish I had done differently.
Unfortunately, my brain has turned that insight into a full-time prosecution of myself. Because she seems to give him everything I think I failed to give him. Constant affection. Attention. Sex. Excitement. Kissing. Cuddling. Pillow talk. “I love you” all the time.
He told her talking to her gave him butterflies, even when she was mad at him. He told her she was out of his league. Told her he had loved her for a long time. He said the first time they danced, he knew he was “in trouble.” They talked and FaceTimed constantly. They took a trip together. Their messages were intensely romantic and sexual. He asked her about fantasies and how kinky she wanted to be — things he used to ask me a long time ago.
And now they live together, a week after I moved out no less. This is also the second marriage she’s destroyed, her marriage to her late husband was also obtained with cheating.
Meanwhile, apparently I have learned that I was starring in a completely different marriage than he was.
He says he was miserable for five years.
Now he says he is happier now because he isn’t “fighting every day.” He described our 17-year marriage as having “some sweet moments.” Some sweet moments? I remember problems. I do not remember a five-year emotional hostage situation.
But I also remember asking him for more help, more time together, and more connection. I handled most of the house and kids. He was often gone working, helping friends, or doing other things. I wanted him too. Apparently that part has disappeared from the historical record.
Marriage counseling was another mind-bender.
He told me he was using a counselor. I later discovered he had not even made an appointment. When I got involved and the affair started being discussed, he got angry that he hadn’t been given enough time to “sort through his sh*t” before being harangued about the other woman.
I was also told that investigating was pushing him toward her. Which is quite a magic trick: have an affair, then make the betrayed spouse responsible for making the affair more appealing by noticing it.
His family is angry with me too.
I moved out, and they called me vindictive and ugly and told me God would punish me. I even offered to return things because I thought I had taken too much. He told me not to. But I’m terrified the story has now become: Mean Wife Abandons Poor Miserable Husband, and Wonderful Other Woman Sweeps In to Save Him.
And here is the humiliating part:
I still compare myself to her.
I think maybe she is simply better for him. Maybe she is softer. More affectionate, more sexual, more fun. More admiring. Maybe he finally found the person he should have married. Then I think: of course an affair looked more exciting than a 17-year marriage with children, surgeries, chores, bills, grief, exhaustion, and responsibilities.
One relationship got secrecy, anticipation, novelty, sexual intensity, and escape. The other got real life. But now they have been together long enough that I’m afraid I can’t dismiss it as “affair fog.” They are living together. They have had time for some reality to set in.
So what am I actually looking at?
Does the intensity of their relationship mean they discovered some extraordinary love that was missing from our marriage? Can secrecy, validation, sexual novelty, limerence, and escape create something that feels like profound love? And if they stay together, does that prove his rewrite of our marriage was true? Does their relationship succeeding mean I really was the wrong wife? I know cheating was his choice. I know he had other options. And I know marital problems do not require an affair as a solution. But I still cannot seem to stop interpreting their chemistry as evidence against me. I don’t need anyone to promise me he’ll come back.
I want to understand what happened without deciding that another woman being exciting to my husband proves I failed at being his wife.
Please tell me what I’m looking at.
Still Comparing Myself to the Affair Partner
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Dear Still Comparing,
Please tell me what I’m looking at.
I can tell you what you’re NOT looking at. Yourself.
At no point in this long recitation of self-loathing and second guessing did you ever ask if this relationship was acceptable to you.
Instead, you spend a lot of time in the skein trying to figure out if he’s truly happy and what that means about your self-worth.
Absolutely nothing. His happiness or unhappiness has nothing to do with your intrinsic value as a human being. You set your value, not him.
Is a lying POS who fakes therapy a person you see a future with? Could you possibly respect such a person?
Is a woman who f*cks married men in your moral universe? Why on earth would you compare yourself? Boy, I wish I could wear a capri leg like Andrew Tate. Do you see how moronic this thinking is? Andrew Tate is revolting.
The Other Woman didn’t save him, she conspired in your abuse with him.
And that’s what you’re reacting to — two awful people who devalued you, and tried to make their Twu Wuv about your “failures.” Because they need justifications to behave unethically. Because your husband didn’t have the moral fiber to end his marriage honestly (if he was so miserable. And I double he was.)
And you’re buying their bullish*t. Stop it.
Is this real love, or affair fantasy?
Who cares? It’s his future now, not yours. Pivoting back to our original point: IS THIS RELATIONSHIP ACCEPTABLE TO YOU? He cheated on you and blamed you for it. Game over.
If he feels butterflies or diverticulitis is no concern of yours.
He’s history.
I was not a perfect wife.
He was not a perfect husband. But only one of you behaved abusively — he did. By having an affair, he continued to extract value you from, letting you believe your world was safe when it wasn’t. He blamed you for his abuse and risked your health and your children’s intact family to get his dick wet. Why are you seeing this as a you problem?
Self reflection, the ability to look honestly upon our faults is a good quality. But it’s not the proper response to abuse.
He told me he was using a counselor. I later discovered he had not even made an appointment.
He’s a liar.
When I got involved and the affair started being discussed, he got angry that he hadn’t been given enough time to “sort through his sh*t” before being harangued about the other woman.
He needed more time to eat cake. To avoid consequences at your expense. He’s painting himself the victim (harangued?). DARVO.
I was also told that investigating was pushing him toward her. Which is quite a magic trick: have an affair, then make the betrayed spouse responsible for making the affair more appealing by noticing it.
Yes, this is some RIC insanity. That reacting to gaslighting (pushing back against the narrative that there’s no affair and you’re crazy) actually creates affairs. HE WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR. You aren’t a time traveler. Your investigation into his behavior didn’t create or reinforce the behavior. He. Was. Engaging. In. An. Affair.
Someone please hit that marriage counselor with a rolled up newspaper. BAD THERAPY! Bad!
Stop comparing yourself to the affair partner.
I think maybe she is simply better for him. Maybe she is softer. More affectionate, more sexual, more fun. More admiring. Maybe he finally found the person he should have married.
Maybe she is. Maybe she matches his vapid self regard. Perhaps they are united in a love of Monopoly and fight over being the top hat. Maybe they have delightful evenings together eating her homemade tuna casserole, watching 90-Day Fiancé together. Or maybe she’s got active dating profiles and he has a h**ker habit. We have no idea.
His happiness or unhappiness doesn’t matter.
Because he is an UNACCEPTABLE partner. And you REJECT him.
The real issue is that you probably feel, quite rightly, that he doesn’t deserve happiness after what he’s done. That’s an injustice. And it is. Every day we must choke down the injustice of very undeserving people being rewarded for their sh*tty, unethical behavior. That is until the tribunals start.
The only answer I have to that is build your own life. Create a better future without him in it. Or your horrible in-laws.
But I’m terrified the story has now become: Mean Wife Abandons Poor Miserable Husband, and Wonderful Other Woman Sweeps In to Save Him.
You left HIM.
Well done. The only life saver here is you. You didn’t “abandon” him. He would’ve kept cheating on you. Instead you saved your own life.
The Other Woman sweeps in to clean up your garbage.
Reframe this today.
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Still Comparing,
You left your husband because you felt that the way that he was behaving was unacceptable to you. That is all that matters. As for your doubts you will, I hope, come to understand that you did not fail as a wife …. rather that he failed as a husband. And I be willing to bet that his and his AP’s “performative happiness” is just that …. a performance undertaken to try and control the narrative to their advantage.
Lastly, remember that nothing that you did pushed him towards his AP; he’s just trying to make you responsible for a decision that he had already made. Ex-Mrs LFTT made a similar accusation towards me. In her version of events there was no affair, but that my behaviour (AKA me holding her to account and correcting her lies) after she had left the kids and I drove the two of them together. Thankfully, no-one bought that BS for a second.
F*ck him, f*ck her and f*ck the horse they rode in on.
LFTT
Yes, toss him as a bad partner that you couldn’t trust. He’s someone who is willing to throw away history for the next shiny thing. In time, the shiny thing will be tarnished, and apparently she’s the type who may start looking around too. You don’t want to be part of that. Sure, they tell the shiny thing all kinds of lies and play the victim. That’s what they do.
Mine did that, and I ultimately decided to let go. I stood for fidelity and love in our marriage, and he did not. Given how the divorce went, I don’t think my kids and I meant much at all in the end to him. Well, that’s on him.
Now that you are free of this awful man, you have an opportunity for the next chapter of your life. Block him and his life, so you aren’t pulled back into thinking about him. Can you move away ?
Take a course, join a class, get out and meet new people. Build a life for a beautiful new chapter in your life. It takes time, but you will get there .
I second this. What were your favorite hobbies at 16? Take them up again.
A couple of years ago, I could have written this letter. Add about 18 additional years to the marriage and subtract the livestock.
Thanks, CL, for the reminder to reframe!
Still comparing – Some ruminating is evolutionary and unavoidable. It’s a trauma response. But you’ve also done a lot of critical analysis and you’re on the right tract.
You have far more information (curated and shared by a cruel husband) than many chumps ever get.
Look at his current actions. Adjust yours accordingly. Get a parenting app if you share minor children, no contact with his family. Put your ducks in a row during this critical (shh!) divorce planning.
Here’s your key, you said “things he used to ask me a long time ago”. You were with him for 17 years. In the beginning, I’ll wager things were “good”. He’s just back at the beginning stages again. I would put money on them being exactly where you are in 17 years (probably a lot less).
He’s a cheater who got with another cheater (a serial mate poacher, apparently). Whatever “happiness” they have, it’s not the happiness YOU want, is it? They probably are a better match than you and he are – because they are both cheaters, liars, and blame shifters. Nothing else matters. This isn’t a secure, healthy relationship. It’s not a relationship you would want. And if his family is blaming you rather than him – well, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
You don’t have to be a perfect spouse to expect your partner stay faithful or end the relationship honestly. Don’t accept excuses from him or them.
Also just understand that what you see (“happy couple”, “intensly romantic”, etc.) is just what you SEE. The reality of their lives may be (probably is) very different. My FW and his AP, who had been together almost 5 years, were posting saccharine “I love you”s and “you’re wonderful” and photos of their little blended family UP UNTIL THE DAY BEFORE AP FLED TO ANOTHER STATE to get away from his abuse. My FW died, and I found out after that their relationship was mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive (on both sides – they were both volatile people with a lot of anger issues), they were both alcoholics, they were both on multiple medications for depression and anxiety, they were flat broke, AP had attempted suic!de, etc. Life for them was not at all what they portrayed to the public. And even if they are not plagued with problems (yet), I still doubt that you genuinely would ever want to be in their shoes.
Don’t compare yourself to her. She’s a cheater. He’s a cheater. Who cares if they are “happy”? I have a theory that a lot of cheaters who get together through cheating STAY together because they have to justify their actions by showing that they are “meant to be” and have such a wonderful love story. Otherwise, they look like absolute losers for breaking up their family (or families) for an affair.
Go make a fabulous life for yourself without your lying, cheating husband.
I assume there was a good reason for you to be the one to move out of the marital home (with your kids?). I hope you have a good lawyer to lock down the finances, because if her first co-cheater died, who knows what will happen with second co-cheater (your ex). Sorry, I don’t mean to be alarmist, but the depths of their immorality can catch us by surprise if we’re not ready.
Tracy forgot to tell you to Trust That They Suck. Let me assure you that my FW is in an absolutely MISERABLE marriage with his AP. And his untreated alcoholism has had another 15 years to percolate. I hope the day comes soon when you realize that he did you a favor by detonating the marriage. Decenter him as soon as possible.
Anyone else here think “black widow” reading the bit about the AP being a serial mate poacher cheater with a ‘late husband’?
OP sometimes a sharky narc meets a meaner and even worse shark narc-sociopath. I think your ex H just met his match (made in he11) 🦈
Dear Still Comparing. Sending hugs to you. You didn’t fail as a wife. He failed as a husband. He spectacularly failed you when the Professional Mate Poacher came along, shiny and new and on the hunt. Don’t compare yourself to her..she is shallow. My xh’s father married his ap, they had two kids together. Yes their marriage lasted. But I don’t believe it was because they “belonged together”. I think it was because she kept him on the shortest leash ever; she made all the decisions, did the driving, operated the mobile phone. My xh and his brother NEVER got to spend time with their Dad alone (they were early mid teens at the time) even in to adulthood. The one time about 10 years ago they were visiting and somehow xh and his dad were in the car together without her, and his dad apologised for fuccquing up their lives. I think his dad stayed with her because… he’d made his bed so he lay in it. But he was a smart capable farmer builder type, but acquiesced to keep the peace. And not end up single. Nor dessert two more children.
My therapist told me “don’t think about her. It will end badly” [badly as in mentally and emotionally for me]. She was right. So do your best to not think of the fuccquers. Especially Little Miss Mate Poacher. She will probably turn up in your head uninvited. Just notice her there. And then show her the door. And slam it behind her!
(And thanks to a Chump National in a previous post for the fancy way of spelling the f-word.)
Apparently, he disregarded your boundaries while your kids were watching. Sounds like he was a really bad husband in more than one way. Please stop worrying about your “flaws” as a wife. You got this.