A Cheater Gets Cheated on and Wants My Sympathy
If a cheater gets cheated on, should you feel sorry for them? What if this person is your sister?
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Hello Chump Lady,
My 50 year old sister recently came to my crying about her husband of 20 years. She just found out that he had had a 3 year affair with a coworker. She is hysterically upset. I, of course, tried to offer sympathy.
The problem is that she, herself, cheated on him 7 years ago, also with a coworker.
I remember her gossiping to me about how much fun she had. Her husband eventually found out, and they decided to stay together. Given this fact, my sympathy for her is limited.
What do you have to say about infidelity when both have cheated?
Signed,
Not-So-Sympathetic Sister
***
Dear Sis,
What do I have to say? I’m not in this nut cluster. This sort of dilemma is one of the many reasons I’m skeptical about reconciliation. Your sister thought all was forgiven. Her husband apparently thought he had a green light to have his own affair. Turnabout is fair play and all. He ate the sh*t sandwich, now it’s her turn.
This is not what healthy marriages look like.
Clearly the trust is gone, if it ever existed. I hope they’re not delusional enough to attempt reconciliation again. I’d help her sort out her finances and find a good attorney.
What? Where are the cheeky “Karma is a bitch” memes? No nanner-nanner boo boo schadenfreude? No finger-wagging moralism?
Nope. A person you love just suffered a natural consequence of their own actions. Let that lesson do the work and stand aside. Yep. It hurts like a mofo to be cheated on. Does your world feel unsafe? Do you feel violated? Conspired against? Raw?
Welcome to the chump condition.
I’m sure her husband is expecting the same grace he extended 7 years ago and perhaps maintained for 4 years before seeking out his own affair. Perhaps she feels compelled to extend it.
Why bother? The guy can lie to your face for three years straight. You’d never know if your world is safe. Why live with the hypervigilance? Just accept that you both made a total mess of it and break up honestly.
Which is, in my opinion, what should’ve happened 7 years ago. That would’ve leveled a meaningful consequence. And your sister could’ve learned from it and done the work on herself. Any relationship she had after that would be a fresh start. Now she’s got to do all that starting over, plus work through the trauma of chumpdom.
Had your BIL divorced 7 years ago, he wouldn’t be a cheater. He’d be a guy dating his coworker. Now he’s a creepy POS. Maybe both of them had flawed characters from the start, but honestly it just seems like they both compounded their mess. My advice:
End the charade.
My advice to you is — don’t extend sympathy you don’t feel. Just show up the way you always have as her sister. You had a relationship with her when she was a cheater, right? Her new chump status doesn’t change anything between you. However, I hope it changes her perspective.
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Once in a coparenting therapy session with Traitor Ex, he who abandoned not just me but also our daughter actually expressed that he was upset, saying that he felt he had been “cut out” of our family.
?!!!!!!
When Dr Kickass Coparenting Therapist and I had picked our jaws up off the floor I said, “You left.” She said to him, “Looks like you’re getting a taste of your own medicine.”
I said nothing more, delighted that it came from her and not me. I didn’t need to say anything more.
I think it’s good to stay factual and stick with the tried and true classics if you feel the need to voice an observation.
“Golly, looks like you’re getting a taste of your own medicine.”
Or from ancient playground lore, “Well, back in the day we used to say don’t dish it out if you can’t take it.”
My sympathy is for victims, not perpetrators.
♥️
I guess I wonder why she is “hysterically” upset. I mean, does she not take a beat and say, “wow, this is exactly how he must’ve felt.” It’s awful, but I would think that realization would maybe temper her sense of betrayal?
Also, the other people at work don’t wanna be in the blast zone of cheaters’ destruction! Sheesh!
I also took issue with the “hysterically upset” thing. Forced empathy burns.
It also unlocked a memory.
We had family friends growing up that turned out were cheating on each other when the nests emptied out. It was the same basic setup minus the “discovery and reconciliation” that I ever found out about. The wife was banging her personal trainer, so “no problems with infidelity.”
When she found out that husband had just started cheating? Wanted divorce, wanted the house, the cars, everything. Not “wow, this must be what that feels like, I’m awful!”, not “ok, I think we probably are better apart if this is how we treat each other.” Nope, “that awful so-and-so and his harlot can go to hell!”
“Rules for thee, but not for me.”
I think the writer should excuse herself from the role of advisor. That opportunity was lost when she wasn’t clear about her own values when her sister cheated.
The ugly math to justify how many people can be hurt – or keep secrets – at any given time will never add up.
Twatface’s skank cheated on him around the three year mark and he was absolutely hurt and disgusted!! He actually came to me saying “how COULD she do this to me”! The irony was not lost on me but I kept my counsel – just had a little snigger when his back was turned!