He Keeps Promising to Stop Messaging Other Women

Her husband won’t stop messaging other women. He promises to stop, and then doesn’t. But then reassures her that she’s the “only one” he really wants.

***

Dear Chump Lady, 

My husband and I have been together for 10 years this year. We have three kids together. Over the years we have had problems with similar situations.

I caught my husband s*xting another woman. He sent her dirty pictures and even said that he couldn’t talk because he was home and his wife was around. Then, he told this woman he would talk later and he would talk his wife into an open relationship so they could f*ck.

He deleted the messages and lied to me about not talking to her.

I found them later on his iCloud. Now that he knows I know. He says he only wants me and he is willing to do anything to make it work. He keeps saying he isn’t sure how to make it up to me but he wants to. 

Honestly for me I don’t really know what I want. Part of me wants to tell him we need to take a long separation and see how he acts in that time apart and if things change. The other part of me wants to stay and hoping it will be different this time.

I don’t know what to do.

He seems to be for sure sorry and wanting to make it work. I honestly don’t know if it’s a great idea though because to me it makes it seem like I am always worrying about when he is going to do it again or if he already has. He works over the road so I don’t ever know what is truly happening. 

I don’t want him to think he can walk all over me and just keep doing this to me knowing I won’t leave. 

When this has happened before, he will change and do so great sometimes. It could be a couple months to a year or so, but then he is doing the same sh*t again or worse. 

Any words of wisdom or advice? 

Just Another Chump

***

Dear Just Another Chump,

I’m going to start with the question you didn’t ask me. How do you feel about single parenting three children under the age of 10? Because that’s the game of chicken we’re playing.

I don’t want him to think he can walk all over me and just keep doing this to me knowing I won’t leave. 

That’s exactly what he thinks, because that’s what his behavior says.

He thinks you won’t leave.

He sees your sunk costs — three children and the specter of divorce and single parenting — and all the financial vulnerability that entails — and decides his dick wins.

That’s working for him. He behaves with sexual entitlement and you live with hypervigilance. When you make discoveries, all it costs him is some performative “remorse.” (We call that “genuine imitation Naugahyde remorse” here).

He assures you you’re the “only one he wants.” His iCloud messages say otherwise.

You’re being gaslit.

A rookie mistake of chumps everywhere is thinking they need more evidence. You’ve only caught him in messages. You don’t know if it’s more, but suspect it probably is. (Please, get an STI test.) Stop chasing his wandering dick.

You. Know. Enough.

Your marriage feels UNSAFE. Is that acceptable to you? Do you feel respected? Cherished? If I could wave my magic Chump Lady wand and make the world safe for single mothers and ensure a livable wage and actual child support enforcement would you leave?

Making leaving safe is where I would start. It’s time to win this game of chicken. Talk to a lawyer (don’t tell him) and see what your options are. Shore up your resume. If you’re staying with this FW, you’re taking job training or going back to school for a new certificate. You’re exploring family supports, friend networks.

You’re making a PLAN.

That’s where you’re devoting your energies from this day forward. Not at him, not at his WhatsApp, but YOU and your kids. He’s checked out? You’re checked out too — advocating for yourself.

When this has happened before, he will change and do so great sometimes.

He’s not doing great if he relapses the next month. He just better hid his double life for a few weeks. That’s not change, that’s subterfuge.

It could be a couple months to a year or so, but then he is doing the same sh*t again or worse. 

Let him do his sh*t without you. Message him: “Goodbye! I’m in an open relationship with freedom.”