He Keeps Promising to Stop Messaging Other Women
Her husband won’t stop messaging other women. He promises to stop, and then doesn’t. But then reassures her that she’s the “only one” he really wants.
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Dear Chump Lady,
My husband and I have been together for 10 years this year. We have three kids together. Over the years we have had problems with similar situations.
I caught my husband s*xting another woman. He sent her dirty pictures and even said that he couldn’t talk because he was home and his wife was around. Then, he told this woman he would talk later and he would talk his wife into an open relationship so they could f*ck.
He deleted the messages and lied to me about not talking to her.
I found them later on his iCloud. Now that he knows I know. He says he only wants me and he is willing to do anything to make it work. He keeps saying he isn’t sure how to make it up to me but he wants to.
Honestly for me I don’t really know what I want. Part of me wants to tell him we need to take a long separation and see how he acts in that time apart and if things change. The other part of me wants to stay and hoping it will be different this time.
I don’t know what to do.
He seems to be for sure sorry and wanting to make it work. I honestly don’t know if it’s a great idea though because to me it makes it seem like I am always worrying about when he is going to do it again or if he already has. He works over the road so I don’t ever know what is truly happening.
I don’t want him to think he can walk all over me and just keep doing this to me knowing I won’t leave.
When this has happened before, he will change and do so great sometimes. It could be a couple months to a year or so, but then he is doing the same sh*t again or worse.
Any words of wisdom or advice?
Just Another Chump
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Dear Just Another Chump,
I’m going to start with the question you didn’t ask me. How do you feel about single parenting three children under the age of 10? Because that’s the game of chicken we’re playing.
I don’t want him to think he can walk all over me and just keep doing this to me knowing I won’t leave.
That’s exactly what he thinks, because that’s what his behavior says.
He thinks you won’t leave.
He sees your sunk costs — three children and the specter of divorce and single parenting — and all the financial vulnerability that entails — and decides his dick wins.
That’s working for him. He behaves with sexual entitlement and you live with hypervigilance. When you make discoveries, all it costs him is some performative “remorse.” (We call that “genuine imitation Naugahyde remorse” here).
He assures you you’re the “only one he wants.” His iCloud messages say otherwise.
You’re being gaslit.
A rookie mistake of chumps everywhere is thinking they need more evidence. You’ve only caught him in messages. You don’t know if it’s more, but suspect it probably is. (Please, get an STI test.) Stop chasing his wandering dick.
You. Know. Enough.
Your marriage feels UNSAFE. Is that acceptable to you? Do you feel respected? Cherished? If I could wave my magic Chump Lady wand and make the world safe for single mothers and ensure a livable wage and actual child support enforcement would you leave?
Making leaving safe is where I would start. It’s time to win this game of chicken. Talk to a lawyer (don’t tell him) and see what your options are. Shore up your resume. If you’re staying with this FW, you’re taking job training or going back to school for a new certificate. You’re exploring family supports, friend networks.
You’re making a PLAN.
That’s where you’re devoting your energies from this day forward. Not at him, not at his WhatsApp, but YOU and your kids. He’s checked out? You’re checked out too — advocating for yourself.
When this has happened before, he will change and do so great sometimes.
He’s not doing great if he relapses the next month. He just better hid his double life for a few weeks. That’s not change, that’s subterfuge.
It could be a couple months to a year or so, but then he is doing the same sh*t again or worse.
Let him do his sh*t without you. Message him: “Goodbye! I’m in an open relationship with freedom.”
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That’s exactly what he thinks, because that’s what
hisYOUR behavior says.I don’t mean that as a critique but as encouragement. YOU have all the power; you can change this situation without waiting for him.
And sometimes these FW talk you into or go along with plans of children, simply because it helps them to pin you in place. Ask my ex FW, who was talking kid #2 as I was healing from kid #1. Please do know that although it can feel like a lot or insurmountable, you are never stuck. There is never going to be a good time, but you do NOT need to wait for him to OK you taking care of you and your kids. Him? He’s not even remotely in the area code of his family or their best interests, and he’s not going to change. Those promises are all just hot air to keep you hopeful and around, because it’s what we all wanted to hear, because the alternative is of course so scary. But he’s scary too – this lying liar who lies and is checked out with you and kids at the bottom of his list (if you even made the cut). We’ve all sadly seen this before in some shape or another. You have nothing to work with. But you are more capable than you think, and even more so once you ditch the dead weight. Determination and anger drove me forward in the early days, even with a one-year-old in tow. You don’t deserve this, but you can do this.
Yeah, they pretend they want kids, but when you divorce they don’t pay support. They also can’t be bothered to do much parenting. I conclude from that that their desire for children was never sincere. They only want to use them for their image and to keep you too busy and stressed to notice that you’re being mistreated.
My ex had an affair (with my friend) in 2013 and this is where my story should have ended.
I opted for keeping my family intact, raising our youngest in a home with mom and dad, and not dividing our assets.
Fast forward ten years…he’s texting all the time to different women…clients, employees, people I don’t know, coming home late from work, I discovered that he had two cell phones!!!!
He finally progressed to a full blown affair with our youngest son’s friend who worked for us.
Red flags were flapping all around and I just shut my eyes!
Eyes finally opened, I kicked him out, got a bulldog of an attorney (thanks chump lady!)
I just turned 69! My life is so peaceful now.
It was a brutal few years but I am now in a great part of my life.
We don’t have to live with a liar…so many lies and he’s still lying…but it is no longer my problem.
My marriage imploded after my husband of several decades retired. What was difficult when he was working became over the top when he was home all the time. He also made s*x his retirement hobby, and that went all kinds of wrong.
Divorce at that point made no sense in some ways. The kids were in college, and I hadn’t worked full-time in over 20 years.
It all came together over some years, but living in reality with hope and joy made it all worthwhile.
I was 35 with #1 and 69 with #2. It does NOT GET BETTER. Amen
“He keeps saying he isn’t sure how to make it up to me but he wants to.”
See if he’ll sign a generous post nup agreement + child support. If he won’t, you’ll have your answer.
Dear JAC – please listen to what this woman is telling you. She knows what she is talking about.
Do you want to know how deep is his commitment to change? Have him express it in dollar signs.
I wish you the best. And BTW, you have come to the right place.
Did not do this, but wish I did to see his reaction. Actions follow words. Ex waxed on about his sorry. When I found myself the one to be pushing for counseling instead of Mr. Sorry (who was more interested in self-indulgent “therapies” like an acting class), I saw the writing on the wall.
This is text book behaviour of my (soon to be) ex-husband. The gaslighting, the secret deleted conversations/ whatsapp/ dating apps/ Discord/ photos. No actual concrete evidence but a gut feeling is VERY STRONG. Becoming so hypervigilent that I considered going on meds for anxiety. All the while they are creating their own narrative to paint you in whatever picture they want. Make your own life and come out with power. Get your money sorted and focus on your health & children. He is not going to change. I hear you and I feel your pain
I always had to look at my contribution as to why I kept living with a terrorist
Terrorists take hostages. Hostages don’t “contribute” to their captivity.
I don’t understand?
I think 2xchump means: A chump can get so worn down that s/he comes to accept being treated like dirt. Maybe our blind spots cause us to don rose-colored glasses (pardon the mangled metaphor).
I think Hell of a Chump means: That isn’t the chump’s fault. No matter our blind spots, we don’t deserve abuse. To quote Chump Lady herself, “We don’t drive people to abuse us with our faults, real or imagined.”
2xchump and HoaC, feel free to correct me if I’m wrong.
Your plan could be, an immediate visit to doctor for exam, pap smear, and STI tests. Immediate visit to dentist for mouth, gum and tongue exam, cheek swabs. Oral STIs are common, and need attention.
Immediate visit to attorney. Attorney will advise you. Need to be at full health for what is ahead of you.
Amen!! I got pregnant by my cheater unaware he was cheating. He put our daughter at risk for diseases or yes even death. He did not care. Can you make a cheater wear a condom for life if you stay with a cheater?
Mine did this as well, and it was one of the things that angered me the most. How these people can compartmentalize and not fully consider or feel what they are doing amazes me. It’s utterly despicable to risk someone’s health like that, let alone your unborn child.
It’s because other people aren’t real to them. The rest of us are just NPCs (non player characters) in their world.
I use that exact comparison when trying to explain this to someone who doesn’t understand how the disordered think (but understand gaming metaphors lol).
They know on some level and it’s intentional, even if subconscious.
Also, if he is s*xting other women without promising them to leave his wife (why would he allude to an open relationship otherwise?), are they really planning to do f*ck him for free? Or is he going to spend money (= marital assets) on them? I would suggest getting financial ducks in a row, too, and as quickly as possible.
FW already f**ked plenty of these hohos the messages weren’t the only things.
To borrow the language from 4b movement about de-centering men:
Conventional wisdom/RIC and moronic therapists centers the FW: how to twist oneself into a pretzel to keep the FW, while exhausting oneself marriage policing. OP chump is about to be going down that hellish road we’ve all been on. In my case a detour down this road cost me close to 30 years of my life!
CL advice centers the chump: reclaim your dignity, focus you energy on a plan for yourself and your kids, find safety and reclaim your one precious life. You matter.
Finding this blog early on soon after DDay is an amazing opportunity for the OP chump to learn from our collective mistakes.
You can not control your husband’s behavior. He has demonstrated that your pain/anger/devotion are not sufficient reasons for him to be a reliable partner.
Read through the archives, quietly put together your support team and make every decision based on your future independence.
Use your energy and resources to take care of yourself and your children. That’s what you can control.
I agree. He’s half-hearted about all of this and is a liar to boot. That’s too much to deal with.
100% THIS
“Part of me wants to tell him we need to take a long separation and see how he acts in that time apart and if things change“
I can tell you, from my own painful experience of a two-year separation, exactly how he will act in that time apart. He will ramp up his wandering d*ck inclinations because you are no longer there to police him, and he will run wild like horses after somebody left the gate open. There is no means for you to determine how he acts in that time apart or if he is changing. He is actually hoping for a long separation.
I think you should give him a permanent separation.
We separated twice. He attempted to un-alive himself days into the first one. Being who I was then, of course I took him back after the ICU and treatment in the behavioral unit. But I actually pulled all of his discharge paperwork, including the commitments he made to us, so I’d have it if I needed it later. He never followed through with any of it, and we separated again. The second time, he ran off to the beach.
I think I knew then that it was over, but I did give him a year. He was horrible to us long-distance. I felt like we couldn’t talk about anything on the phone productively. He never did seek therapy and instead ran into the arms of his family, who insisted that they were all he needed. So I had a whole group of adults telling me how horrible I was, not just my STBX. Yes, we did divorce, supposedly because I refused to reconcile, never mind his horrible behavior.
I don’t dwell on the past, but if I had a do-over, I would have given him maybe six months while I did my research and did a lot of therapy myself, and then I’d unleash an attorney on the situation.
I suffered several D-days. The remorse is fake. We went to counseling. I read a lot of books and did the homework. He got better and better at taking his double life underground. I had a D-day in my third trimester of pregnancy and I remember feeling numb. I remember the date clearly. I remember thinking I no longer love this person. I also remember thinking that I married for life and I had made a horrible mistake in marrying him. I didn’t want to ruin my child’s life so I resolved to stay married. He claimed he had a s*ggs addiction and attended a few meetings. Until he didn’t. He declared himself cured. Promised he would never cheat again. I said OK because be warned, there will not be another next time.
He became more and more controlling and wacko. A babysitter I had hired was exposed to his behavior on several occasions and finally approached me when she saw my exasperation and asked if I had ever considered he might be a narcissist. I had no idea what she meant. She loaned me books on the sly and I read through them as well as Why Does He Do That? and recognized what was going on. Even then I stayed. I started to think someday I would get away but still… my child.
Through all of this, I started saving some of my money aside for just in case. I read LACGAL and realized that staying with this disordered person was hurting my child – the opposite of what I was trying to do. I strengthened my network. I built up my career as best I could. I copied documents. I researched what I might walk away with. The final D-day hit and I hired a PI to gather evidence for court. I lined up so many ducks. It looked for a long time like he wanted to move 4 hours away and I was hoping he would but it never came to fruition.
I have been divorced now from him 6 months and living separately for a year. I no longer wake up feeling a weight on my chest that klootzak was off with an AP and I was the warden. It is a whole new world not being tethered to a FW. Start taking all the small steps. Talk to an attorney. The biggest step for me was that I shut down my innermost thoughts with klootzak. I had to build an emotional wall and he was always so critical of anything I said or did, when I stopped telling him my hope, fears, and dreams it broke the feeling of intimacy I had with him and helped me move forward in my mind. Make a path out. FWs do not change. Don’t delude yourself.
I’m really impressed with the bravery of that babysitter.
That babysitter was so brave! Most would not have taken the risk.
Tracy. I had a teenage babysitter who told me what was happening when I wasn’t home. She testified in my divorce trail. Saved my life & my childrens’ lives.
She had suffered a TBI at the hands of her ex. She kept quiet when he was trying to be pushy with her but when I told her about him passcode locking me out of the thermostat so I couldn’t turn on the heat in January while he was out of the country, that was what put her over the edge. She also offered to testify to his behavior at my divorce trial.
Oh I’m so so SORRY JAC..you are already in an open marriage and you haven’t been asked. Why should he? You are already terrorized into his head game with you and he’s winning every single round. It sounds like you need more time, more hits in the batting cage of serial cheating and unrelenting abuse. My heart goes out to you. CL is on target and she speaks hte truth. Get your life going or stay in a corner waiting for more. Go see a lawyer stat and get your ducks in a row, get STD STI tested every 6 months or ar the very least yearly. No more babies with him as the trap will be set even tighter. Which is his plan. Keep your own doctors appointments, dentist, take care of yourself as he does not value you. Write out your game plan. Get into your own therapy with someone who thinks cheating is the abuse that it is. Both my Exs cheated underground so they had cake cake cake, but once I knew, it was over ..and yes I had a newborn and a 6 year old. I don’t like to share. And for the record, IT DOES NOT GET BETTER..it is a downhill compulsion. Sad..
JAC,
I would bet that you only know the half of what he is up to …. and if the half that you know about is unacceptable to you (and I would hope that it is) then you know that it is time to leave.
LFTT
My attorney used the iceberg analogy that CL uses. If you don’t like what you see of the iceberg, assume that what’s below is even worse and is even more dangerous and upsetting.
You need to leave him. If you want to couch it as trial separation and THEN divorce, you do what you have to do. But you need to leave if you don’t want to keep being hurt by him.
Here is where I am with this: you caught him sexting. That is what you CAUGHT HIM DOING. He is very clearly willing to erase evidence of his wrongdoing. You have also caught him stating that he thinks that he can talk you into an open relationship. Let’s expand that thinking pattern: he is under the belief that he can talk you into things that you do not want to do.
He really incriminated himself, didn’t he? That is what he was willing to tell to a stranger.
Is that how you want to live? Knowing THAT is sleeping next to you?
Relationships are built on Trust and Respect. Do you trust him? Does he respect you? Can/Will those things ACTUALLY be fixed?
And again, this is what he got CAUGHT doing. With the Traitor people…it’s NEVER just what they got caught doing. That’s just where sampling got the best of them. Perhaps it’s just early; I am not noticing anywhere in his narrative that this was an isolated incident (which would still be a lie, but c’mon now). I can almost guarantee that more will come out in the wash as your rose-colored glasses with him are now cracking and other disordered behaviors come out and you re-evaluate when you gave him the benefit of the doubt.
He got caught. He is really apologetic and working harder right now. That is performative. He is likely to resume the same actions once he thinks that the coast is clear. Mine did that. Mine turned it up to 11 until she got tired of that. You deserve better than breadcrumbs.
And follow up question: how OK are you with policing this idiot from now on? Most Traitors treat getting caught as the Rolling Stop Sign…”slow down, look around to see if there are police, and then keep going without actually stopping.” Nothing prevents this moron from getting a burner phone that he keeps off of iCloud so that he is harder to track. Integrity is how people behave when they don’t think they are being watched.
Do you want to live with that level of mistrust and suspicion?
And why do you want to make it work? I mean, that one I get. Sunk costs. I did the same thing. I’ve told the story before-mine asked to open the relationship. I said no. She opened it anyway. And with her? She actually escalated the behaviors until she left. The gaslighting increased, she got angry about other things while I Pick-Me Danced.
She still got and did everything she wanted while it nearly killed me walking on eggshells and getting gaslit. And I got stuck with the check. Don’t make the same mistake.
Please don’t stay “for the kids.”
My mother stayed, and she was proud of staying “for you girls, so you don’t have to grow up in a broken home.” Instead, we grew up in a war zone.
Dad kept cheating, and mother was always angry. Looking back, I don’t blame her. She supported us, did all of the housework, helped my father out with whatever project he had going on, did all of the planning, scheduling, parenting, etc. And while she was busy doing the jobs of four people, Dad was cheating. I don’t recall my mother ever sitting down except at the dinner table, and even then she kept popping up to take care of spilled milk or canine accidents or whatever. My father spent a lot of time on the couch with his feet up.
The “women” my father cheated with got younger and younger. When I was in high school, he was grooming girls in my class, and when I went to college he “got engaged” to one of them. While he was married to my mother.
My father was a cheater, his father was a cheater, his grandfather was a cheater and his great-grandfather was a cheater. When I was a child, I knew about the cheating. If my father hadn’t bragged about it, there were people in my small town who would tell me about it. I was warned not to date Dale because “his mother was a good friend of your father’s.” And I shouldn’t date Mark, either, because “his mother was a good friend of your grandfather’s.” I grew up to marry cheaters; my sister IS a cheater. She cheated on every boyfriend, fiancé or husband she’s ever had, and she cheated *with* most of the boyfriends, and at least two of my three husbands. Staying with a cheater models this behavior for your children. Please model better values and good character for your children. Don’t let the example you set trickle down to the next generation.
You — and your children — deserve much, much better than life with a cheater. Save yourself and your kids.
Oh my. Don’t be me, please don’t be me. I always felt that things were ‘off’ couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Then came phones and in 2010 (just as I was receiving a cancer diagnosis) I found messages between FW and a much younger woman. I was furious but that quickly switched to sadness. I confronted him to be told ‘just a friend goddamit woman’. Fast forward a year and I found messages to another woman (work colleague) and the evidence of a sent bouquet. Again I confronted but this time I decided to leave. I too had 3 children. He begged me to stay, said there was nothing to it, cried profusely, acted like a unicorn, he love bombed the sheet out of me (didn’t realise this at the time) and I stayed. 10 years later and by this time we’d been together 35 years married for 31, I discover he is in a full blown fest with a different work colleague. This time I walked away, filed for divorce and am now living a great life. I try not to live with regret but I sure as hell regret not walking away a helluva lot earlier. So don’t be me. You’ve got this. You are mughty x
“Don’t be me, please don’t be me.” This should be the official Chump motto (after LACGAL).
Just Another Chump:
You’re “just another chump” ONLY IF you continue to accept his fuckwittery without doling out meaningful and permanent consequences.
His behavior is TEXTBOOK. Lying. Cheating. Deflecting. Gaslighting. Cake eating. Telling you whatever he thinks will buy him more time. Making promises on his Grandma Hazel’s non-existent grave that he has zero intention of ever keeping. He’s constructed out of papier-mâché… all handsome on the outside but completely void of morals, values or integrity on the inside.
Whenever “he does great”, it’s simply to pacify you, shut you up, and lull you back into a false sense of security (“Oh look! He’s changing!”). The minute he senses any breathing room, that you’ve been convinced of his most recent bout of sincerity, that you’ve swallowed yet another alibi, he’s right back at it, except now, he’s learned he has to do a better job of hiding his deception than he did the last time. Every subsequent betrayal burrows deeper underground so you don’t catch on as fast as you used to.
Make no mistake — everything he does is a conscious, deliberate and intentional choice. Cheating is never an accident. It’s also not a mistake. It’s not a whoops. It’s not a lapse in judgement. It’s not something that “just happens”. It’s not something that anyone can force you to do against your will. It’s not something you have to do if you’re drunk, high, hangry, horny, lonely, sad, unemployed, dyslexic, out of town on a business trip, broke, married to someone with cancer, have a peanut allergy, or just plain bored.
He is a sick FW and your life will be sheer misery until you believe in your depths of your soul that you don’t deserve any of this disrespectful, devaluing, and dishonorable treatment, and for your own self-preservation and for the mental and emotional health of your 3 innocent children who are steeping in this toxic stew, you need to LEAVE. Freedom from a flaming FW is a beautiful thing.
Karen Reutemann wrote, ” discovered that he had two cell phones!!!!
I too, noticed that he had a red phone and a silver gray phone. He claimed one was his work phone, but he hadn’t worked for quite a while.
Months later, I found about four or five identical cell phone boxes, all identical, all new, and all empty.
Even if this guy really wanted to change, the odds would be against him being successful. But as it is, he only cares about polishing appearances and selling a storyline, there is zero empathy for anyone affected by his actions. His texts gave me a chill because they are flaunting the truth of your unwilling participation (he could have given any number of lies), he gets off on the power and is under no delusions. One cold-hearted MF.
Reminds me about what Tracey says: it’s not that he doesn’t understand, he disagrees. I would be very careful with this type of person in litigation context (please make a solid plan).
I think you have some leverage here that you haven’t thought of. He works “over the road” so he’s unlikely to get 50/50 custody, which is a normal ploy for FWs to avoid child support.
You mention separation as a possibility, and there’s no reason you can’t separate and file for child support (and spousal support if you aren’t working). Keep your plans to yourself. Don’t talk to him about his activities or anything you’re planning.
Get copies of all financial documents–taxes (federal, state, local, real estate), mortgage or lease, utilities, bank accounts (checking, savings), any investments, retirement funds, etc. I would PDF them and then make copies for your attorney.
Call 2-3 good divorce attorneys and interview them. You want to know if they listen to you and what you need, how they communicate when you’re in the process, and whether they understand dealing with a gaslighting manipulator. Ask them how they would go about getting your full custody, since he’s on the road.
Someone has already told you to get a full physical with STD panel and an oral exam. But before you separate, get the kids’ physicals too, and all of you get your dental exams and cleaning. Make sure your tires and battery on the car are in top shape. Get an oil change and change filters. Every time you go to the store, buy gift cards, and start shopping for Christmas now. If you think you want to keep the house, at least through the separation, have the HVAC system checked and cleaned.. The idea is that you can PLAN to put yourself in the best position to separate so that your first year can be about recovering your sense of self and agency without struggling to pay dental bills, etc.
He’s never going to change. And you deserve better than this.
Do the eye exams, too.
And get new glasses or contacts if you or the kids wear them.
JAC, please dump that loser. You know he’s going to keep doing it, so what is your hesitation about? You know he’s lying and will continue to lie. You know you can’t trust him. But you can certainly trust that he sucks. That’s all the reason you need to call it quits.
Marriage is about respect first and foremost. Respect is the foundation, and love is just a beautiful decoration, the facade of the marriage building. Without a solid foundation, the building becomes uninhabitable and eventually collapses.
This POS has been destroying the foundation of marriage for years with his selfish actions, pleasing the urges of his penis.
Now it’s your turn to answer him.
Cowardice is the most terrible of sins. He’s a coward, he projects his cowardice and insignificance onto others, and above all onto you. He expects you to be a coward too.
It’s time to show him the opposite.
Cheaters are like wild animals, they only understand carrot and stick. Stop feeding him carrots, get ready and hit him with a stick – unexpectedly and strongly, so that he feels who is now the master of the situation.
You are a Woman and a Mother, you are the one who gave birth and continue the human race, you are worthy of respect and worship, and those who do not understand this must get out of your way – in the name of yourself, in the name of your children. And first of all, this pathetic semblance of a man.
I do not know which country or state you live in, but currently laws are in force almost everywhere to protect women and mothers from moral and physical abuse. I am 100% sure that you will be able to strip this scoundrel naked with alimony and child support. Let him have only enough money for Chinese noodles, which he will eat in a miserable room, sending dick pics to the same perverts like himself.
The sooner you leave, the sooner you can reclaim true yourself and parent your children by example. You are most likely a person of very high character (#1 chump flaw!) and you will eventually build a life that reflects who you are (not a prop for this person who has shown you who he really is). It will take a long time! It will be horrible! You will be bombarded by other people with low character because people with low character have the unique ability to spot struggling chumps a mile away. Reading through posts here will really fast track your education and help you spot patterns while encouraging you as you rebuild and trust your gut. Your gut is the ultimate bull**** detector. Don’t ignore it!
Dear Just Another Chump,
My story was so similar to yours. Please trust Chumplady and all of us former chumps!
My husband was so persuasive. So many tears, so many promises of new beginnings, changed behavior….
His behavior never changed, although his skill at hiding it improved immensely. We have been divorced many years now, and apparently that behavior is still going on with wife number three (my adult kids occasionally chat about their dad).
Once I was divorced, I realized how insecure and worried I felt all the time in my marriage. Even in the happiest times. The struggles of single parenting though hard, were easier than coping with that constant sense of dread, anxiety, and suspicion.
Make a promise to yourself to fix your life. Step one: make a plan to divorce.
You will look back on this with joy.
JAC, it can be difficult to suddenly stop loving your spouse. But if you do the steps below, such as clandestinely getting STI testing, getting your financial information together, and seeing an attorney, you’ll begin to face the reality of why you’re doing these things.
Your spouse is OTR so I assume that you’re competently taking care of yourself, your kids, and your home while he is gone. Use that time to learn about divorce and money management. Oh, and stop having s+x with him!
Begin to think of how you can protect yourself and your kids. Your spouse definitely isn’t thinking about this!
I had similar issues with my nowXH. He worked in the hotel industry & traveled a week at a time. He always took cash on trips and had no accountability for it. Eventually he confessed to some encounters in a bar. I forgave him, and when I thought he was “doing great” I found out much later that he just knew he was fooling me and he never stopped. I believe he became more skilled at lying and misdirection. I suffered by losing my confidence, thinking it was all my fault, and often wishing that I’d contract a terminal illness. I understand now that the desire to be sick was really an internal desire to be cared care for and find a legitimate reason for, or way out of my pain. Living with someone who hides a double life and doesn’t really care about you takes a huge toll.
The last few years before I divorced, I practiced acting independently for myself, while practicing grey rock. When I stopped sharing about myself & the teens, I saw he wasn’t interested enough to care to ask on his own. I began to see that his interest in online +orn and meetups put our family at high risk for losing our savings.
I feel for you having young children, You didn’t mention friends or relatives, hopefully there are some you trust and confide in.
My mom always said if my dad wanted a divorce (he never did, and they were very happy) she’d make him take the kids (5 of us). I know that seems counterintuitive, but he can better afford them than you can and that’s the reality. I don’t know why more women don’t do this.