What Vacation Did You Go On After You Left a Cheater?
The Friday Challenge question is: What vacation did you go on in your new cheater-free life? It doesn’t have to be far. Just minus a FW.
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It’s summer and thoughts turn to “Let’s get the hell out of here.” Wherever here is. I know things are economically tough all over, especially if you’re going through, or have survived a divorce. Nonetheless, maybe you’ve got plans for the next holiday weekend.
Even if it’s a staycation in your home, organizing your sock drawer. A sane, solo life with socks is better than a 5-star resort with a FW.
So, what are you doing to recreate?
What kind of gain-a-life things have you done, or planned, for yourself and your kids (if you have them)?
Holidays can be fraught after you’ve been cheated on. It’s remarkable how often FWs take their Schmoopies to the same places you went to together. (Lack of originality being a hallmark of f*ckwittedness.) Or worse, take them to places they promised to take you, and never did.
I’m reminded of a contest we once ran here and the winner was a woman whose FW promised to take the family to Disney World. And the kids saved all their money in a jar for years. And the FW stole the jar money AND TOOK THE OW to Disney World instead!
I had actual employees of Disney World reach out to me and ask to connect me to this woman so they could comp her a vacation. That FW story is pretty hard to top, but maybe you can.
Maybe you’re taking a special place back?
As for me, I have a vacation to report — and an announcement. I have not traveled without my laptop and this blog responsibility for 14 years. But starting next week, I’m going to go on a digital break until July.
I’m taking a bucket list trip to Italy as a present to myself (for a significant birthday in September). Alas, Mr. CL cannot make it, because he just started a new job. Unlike a FW, he is kind and supportive of this trip, God bless him. It’s an art workshop with my painting instructors. Little video below.
Don’t hate me. But I’m going to tune out the world and gorge on art for the next 3 weeks.
I promise to return. But if I don’t, dying in an Italian villa while plein air painting isn’t a bad way to go.
Enough about me. Tell CN about your vacations!
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I’ll be rerunning columns the whole time! So the blog will still be here. New columns resume in July.
Have a blast, Tracy! You deserve the time off, if anyone does.😁
Brilliant! I love that for you and to Mr CL, you rock.
I went to Australia from the UK via Singapore just 8 weeks after DDay. I stayed for 2 months with friends and travelled alone. Travelling the world in the last 13 years has, together with my kids, grandkids and friends has been my salvation. I know I’d have never done it without the FW and his behaviour.
Have a fantastic time, Tracy!
Have big fun! You’ve got 14 YEARS of stellar columns to re-run. Safe travels. And what you’re doing is modeling for all of us what it means to live after the “gain a life” portion of our chump journey, where our bucket lists and the things we’ve loved to do all our lives really matter.
I don’t recall traveling anywhere that summer. I travel a lot in the winter with a sports team so I like being home in the summer. I do travel with my cousins for a few days every summer. We’re getting older so we don’t do much that’s exciting but it’s great to be together. Back in the summer after D-Day, I was in a kind of shock learning how to take care of a property I never wanted in the first place. But I did buy a big muscle car that summer and I still love to go for drives in it.
Oh dear! Enjoy!!!! And have twenty-one of those italien coffees because what else 😉
Glad you’re unplugging! Sounds like a fantastic time!
Have an AMAZING time!!!! That trip sounds like a dream.
Enjoy your trip! and vacation!
In November 2017, my mother died and I went in front of a judge for my divorce. In May 2018, my father passed away. Christmas 2018, Asshat scuppered my plans for a gathering with friends, manipulating my adult children into spending the weekend with him. Fortunately, I knew I needed to get out of Michigan right of the holiday and spend the new year in a completely different location. I went on a cruise/tour by myself to Vietnam and Cambodia, where I was able to also celebrate my birthday, the first time without both my parents. I also saw Angkor Wat at sunrise. My brain was on fire, but I learned I could survive alone on a trip far far away. Of course, Asshat had to email me photos from our first house. Ignore! I have been no contact since March 2018, and I have been on many trips since. This August, I am taking both my children on trip to see the eclipse in Iceland.
It’s Tuesday.
I love this so much! Good for you Ginger_Superpowers! I lost both parents within a year and a half of one another and THEN a year later my D-day, so your post really resonates with me. And I remember my first birthday without them so clearly, it’s a natural chain of events and yet I felt untethered. I know now that was because I was anxiously spinning in a marriage to an emotionally detached FW and deep down knew there was no real anchor there. My first vacation abroad without him = amazing. It was my 11 year old’s first chance to really experience a grounded, living in the moment and up for fun, me. It was a mother daughter trip, the boys are college and almost college age so they couldn’t join. Too bad, they missed mom careening down a mountainside waterslide in Costa Rica screaming and laughing with joy as her wardrobe malfunction one piece situation betrayed her. That’s a betrayal I can handle btw. Iceland is on my list too, enjoy!
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
I remember the moment a few years ago when I finally achieved pure joy again after the storm and it was walking home after a dinner out with my children. I was at peace. That’s when I realized the gift of thinking I had lost everything only to realize it was right in front of me. The only thing that mattered was happy healthy children and spending as much time with them as possible. What I love is that because my parents lived a happy frugal life, Asshat wasn’t able to financially devastate me like he thought he could during the divorce. He brought the hammer to destroy me, yet I am still standing. So I have been to Antarctica with my kids and watched them leap off of a bridge over the Zambezi River. My family is intact and I intend to enjoy as much time together as possible with them.
I love Iceland. If you like scenery, there’s nothing like it. I hope to go back in 2027.
Enjoy your trip! I have an art teacher friend who does an Italy seminar every year.
My divorce was final just before the pandemic hit, and my beloved aunt lost her husband when we were still masking. So I took care of her for six weeks and then flew out every other month for a long time. Long drives in the mountains calmed her dementia, so that part was very pleasant. She had been divorced twice in the 1960’s and had been married 40 years when my uncle passed, so we talked a lot about marriage and divorce. Yes, it helped me a lot. Thankfully, I work remotely.
But when things finally got more reasonable, I went on an Alaskan cruise, something my ex said he’d never do. And then I planned an overseas trip every summer. Also something he’d never do. I’m not going this year for a host of reasons, but I know where I’ll do my next one, probably next summer. I’ve been to Iceland and want to do a longer, more comprehensive trip
Once I locked my abuser out and moved from a semi hoarders house (after 30 years)into my own apartment….That my friend has been an almost 4 year vacation. From being a companion animal to an abusing cheating man..on into a freedom and contentment I have never ever known since I was born. This will be a life long vacation no matter where I travel for anything else. I am not kidding here. I am the most grateful woman Alive.
Same!
There’s no way anything I’ve experienced this trip would have been possible with either of those two losers.
Amen!
I logged in today specifically to respond to your comment, 2xchump! I LOVE what you said! It got my pulse racing! Best wishes to you! (And to anyone who reads Chumplady!).
I know right???!! It feels like I broke out of Alcatraz and made the swim.
And PS- Italy is a fabulous choice, you deserve much more. I hope you’ll come back but won’t blame you if you don’t. You are loved here!!
Well said and heartily agree! ♥️
When I left my ex and we sold the house I took a chunk and went on a working vacation. He would never take off work for me to go so I told him I needed to be somewere for work. I wanted to save my vacation so I took off and went to my companys headquarters and worked with my team for a few days but stayed at a spa. Got a message and a facial. Ate dinner alone in a resturant for the first time. Then traveled to Boston and stayed there one night in a fancy hotel. Then headed for New Hamshire. I stayed in cabins my family used to rent every summer when I was a kid. It was fall and the leaves were insane! I worked outside in the screened in porch the whole time. The cabin even smelled the way I rememberd. It was so beautiful. I said goobye to my Dad there as I missed his funeral due to my kid having a seizure the morning of the funeral. I then went visit an old high school friend and his wife who cooked for me and brought me on brewery tours and let me have fun and paid for it all. It was the beginning of many hard years but it was a bright light.
For the last few years I have been taking my now adult children and their partners to the Périgord region of France for week each Summer. We spend our time in local markets, museums, walking and just enjoying the vibe … with each couple (or myself solo) taking turns to be “in charge” of food for the group for the day and cooking up a storm and eating al fresco (or should that be “en plein air”?).
Hand made pasta with a truffle sauce made with truffles dug up with the assistance of the owners of the property we stay in, and eaten with my kids and their loved ones …. with not a FW in sight ….. is absolute heaven.
LFTT
I love this, and it gives me so much hope for the future. Thank you for posting 🙂
When I was married to FW, he was very gracious about me going on girl trips. I always wondered why I was so lucky to have such a supportive spouse. D-Day occurred right after one of those trips because, you guessed it, me being away, gave him free rein to pursue strange.
Anytime we did take a trip together he always found reasons to go out on his own… a long bike ride, just wanted to walk around while I was taking a nap or at a museum, etc… evidently his flavor of strange can be found all over the world. Did you know there is a P-nis museum in Reykjavík?
So the beauty of every trip I’ve taken since leaving him is I can do it with peace of mind. I can spend as much time at a museum as I want to without worrying about his “ boredom” aka “this is why I cheat”.
Your comment reminded me of the 5th anniversary trip my ex & I took to Hawaii. It was a shorter trip, my parents were watching our daughter, who was a toddler, and while everyone back on the mainland did just fine, it was hard for me to be away from her too long. We were gone maybe 4 days? Anyways, it was our first kid-free trip, and he wanted to spend so much time doing his own thing. Reading on the beach if I was at the pool (the man never cracked open a book). When I wanted to go for a walk on the beach, he wanted to swim in the pool… Just, not very present. It would still be two more years before he’d ask for a “trial” separation. Looking back, he was likely on the phone with “just a friend,” or maybe some internet distraction, who knows.
Oh nooooooooooooo! My FW did the same, I never paid attention until I read your comment 😩 He always was “just, not very present”. Oh I am so glad I divorce him!
There’s also a p-nis museum in the north of Iceland, in Akureyri.
My first trip alone after I left my FW five years ago was to drive to Austin, to visit my daughter at school. It’s only a three hour drive, but I got to stop whenever I had to pee or wanted a Coke, without having to argue my case or be shamed for having a soda. My daughter and I could do whatever we wanted whenever we wanted. And best of all, no worries about where he was when I was attending to our kid! Bliss!
Since then, I’ve been to so many conferences and little road trips with just me, myself, and I and it never grows old!
Why is stopping for a break such drama with a FW? I never realized how stressful car trips until I left him. I probably had to go more because of it. Here’s to frequent and enjoyable breaks followed by a coke!
I’ve taken my son on our yearly vacation to the mountains without his father so we could make new memories there. It was hard with all the anger, grief, and loss, but going gets easier every year.
I took my kids to Disney World. I had planned a trip to Disneyland (closer) in 2020 but Covid cancelled it. That entire trip (while planning) FW wanted to do other things in LA besides Disney. We had been to LA many times. I said this trip isn’t a trip to LA, it’s a trip to Disneyland for the kids. I even invited his FW father and step mother. Then they wanted to go to San Diego too and this and that. I bent to their will and planned a robust trip. Thankful it was cancelled. 3 years later we had the most epic trip to DW and Universal Studios with my sister, my mom and her best friend. My twins will be old enough next year so I’m planning to take all 4 to Disneyland in 2027. Good riddance to FW’s ruining vacations.
My ex future faked our family trip and I had bought us plane tickets to Hawaii since a friend of mine had moved there. We were also going to take the kids to Aulani since he didn’t want to do any Disney trips with the kids but we figured they get a lil Disney fix at the resort. Well then DDay and our divorce started. I made him reimburse me for his plane ticket during the divorce and I took the kids myself to Hawaii. We had a great short stay at Aulani and also stayed with my friend. We have since visited both Disneyland & world which is something my ex would have never done.
In the midst of our divorce, schmoopie dumped FW and since he had no backup plan and was all alone (I rebuffed his attempts to hoover me), he took his own life.
While I was married to FW, we were ALWAYS broke. He was a spender and had no concept of a budget, let alone saving anything or delayed gratification. Even with two incomes, we never had enough to take a vacation.
A year after FW died, I was scrolling FaceBook and came across a 9-day medieval cooking class/vacation in Newcastle, UK (I’m from the mid-Atlantic USA). Anyone who knows me knows how right up my alley this sort of thing is (medieval history nerd who loves to cook and loves the history of food). For the first time in 15 years, I had money in the bank. On impulse, I booked the course, a flight, and a hotel (grand total about $3K). From my phone, sitting in my bed. And I never even felt the lack of that money. With FW, we would be trying to manange with only $25 or $50 left in the account after bills were paid. Certainly never enough to book a spur of the moment overseas vacation. [Narrator: and it was then she had it confirmed once again that she had never been the cause of their financial struggles like her FW had always accused her; it was in fact…him.]
I went solo, met lots of cool people, went to lectures about medieval culinary history, spent hours in a kitchen trying out the recipes, attended a medieval banquet with food that we cooked as a group wearing a bliaut I had sewn by hand, visited castles, ate at amazing restaurants, saw the Book of Kells in person, and had a fantastic time (in spite of spending the first three days deaf in one ear because of the pressure from the plane landing). It was lovely to go somewhere without FW complaining about everything, making small inconveniences into huge drama, or demanding my attention when I want to sightsee. I got to choose a destination and activities based on what *I* was interested in, for once.
I am happy for you! What a wonderful experience you will have!!
Any “vacations” with the FW were centered around what he wanted to do and I did the majority of parenting.
My oldest did a study abroad in Florence this past semester. I went with her to help her get settled in January and had an amazing time exploring the city on my own for a few days. I went back to get her in April and we drove from Florence to Rome. It was an amazing trip. I’m eager for more travel! It’s so much more fun without an angry, impatient, selfish spouse–go figure. My next trip is a week in New Brunswick in a cottage on the Bay of Fundy!
Enjoy Italy!
As someone else mentioned, the FW always had us broke even with two good incomes due to his constant spending problems (OH did I mention he was an accountant who couldn’t handle our own finances). Might I also add that I LOVE the beach, and guess what? He claimed to have HATED it. Well just a few months after D-Day I took off to Aruba and spent some glorious days on the beautiful beaches and loved every second!! Life is so much better FW free! Happy Friday, finally made it to Tuesday 🙂
From what I’ve read on this site, it seems to be very typical for cheaters to have trouble handling money. Poor impulse control, I guess. It was certainly true of my dad. He made lots of money and spent lots of money.
He ended up living in a manufactured home in rural Texas.
My ex was in financial planning, and ran up a gambling debt behind my back. He’s now a CPA after having to switch careers due to being fired for forgery, and he is likely sports betting again since I’m not playing the money police.
The Split happened in summer of 2020, so it was a minute before travel was open again, but oh boy when it did! Turns out when you’re not married to someone who believes credit cards and personal loans are free money, you can afford to go places!
(darn it – Enter posts the comment when I just wanted a line break)
(and Ctrl+Enter posts it when I STILL just wanted a line break.) Anyway, since then I’ve been to Vegas, Orlando, New York City, Los Angeles, Honduras, Belize, Mexico and I’ve been to more shows in the few years since than in the 20 years we were together. Okay, NOW I can “post comment.” 🙂
…. *and NOW when I hit Enter it gives me a line break, SMH* …
😆
Awesome living DWA!
Cheater Ex was never any fun to go on vacations with. I don’t miss that! When I spoke with him about a girls’ trip to Australia that my friends and I wanted to do, he shut it down. (Then Covid came and really shut it down.)
During separation I got my girls’ trip, although with different girls, on a milestone birthday trip to Salt Lake City. It was amazing hiking and dining and soaking in a hot spring with gorgeous views. Night and day difference from traveling with my ex!
Since divorcing I have a tighter budget but that doesn’t stop me from pitching my tent and camping in beautiful spots, eating what and when I want, and reading or hiking all I want. No selfish control freak to ruin things.
Also, I have gotten to enjoy indulging my life-long interest in all things Laura Ingalls Wilder in recent years – touring her historic homes, watching pageants, and last year I was thrilled to participate in Laurapalooza (yes, that’s a thing, and is very well attended by people from all over the country.) 😀
My Cheater was horrible horrible horrible to travel with. He raged and complained and blamed me for everything. I got to the point that I just preferred to stay home. I really thought that I didnt like travel when the truth is that I didnt like to travel with him !!
Yes! By the end it got to the point of not even wanting to go out to eat with him! He would ruin it, inevitably.
Travel tends to reveal character. Things are going to go wrong, and how people handle them tells you a lot.
For example, do they yell and scream at people, including their companions? Do they sulk? Etc.
I agree, and at the same time when you are still dating and your one-day cheater is still lovebombing you, these freaks can put up a great show for WEEKS. I traveled with him as a boyfriend for *1 month* while dating, and he was on his best behavior the whole time, even amidst delays and other travel challenges.
My sister said “If you come back from your overseas trip and still like each other, I bet you will get married.”
We did, both accounts. But that does NOT negate the 28+ years of abuse and the nearly 4 years of cheating.
I got the sulk. I should’ve packed baby pacifiers in his luggage.
A year after my divorce was finalized I took my 17 year old son on a trip to California. I planned it on “my” weekend and we didn’t tell my ex. I let my son choose everything we did. So, we slept late, shopped on Melrose Avenue, took a move studio tour and a boat trip to Catalina Island. I have precious pictures of my son swinging on the rings at Muscle Beach.
It couldn’t have been more different than previous trips with my husband. He conducted himself like a Marine drill sergeant and forced us all to get up at 7am for the daily death march, as the kids not so lovingly referred to our sightseeing. My pictures from NYC consist of 3 teenagers glaring at me at the Statue of Liberty, at the Met, on the subway.
That first trip without my ex was a revelation. And, a few years later, I took my son back to NYC to reclaim it, and we stayed in the West Village. At the end of June. In 2019. Just in time for the 50th anniversary of Pride. Hahaha! It wasn’t on our radar but we had a great time. Turns out we just needed to lose a FW.
I took the kids snow skiing with a friend. Loaded up the car, put the box container on top, rented the gear, etc. Drove the kids to the mountains and went skiing while their dad was moving out of the house. We had fun.
I also started a new tradition that year(not a vacation but feels related). I found a tree farm sorta near us, and for Christmas every year we go to the tree farm, tromp around in the hills, and pick out a tree. That year as I cut it down, hauled it to the car, and tied it on the top, all by myself (the kids were little) just felt empowering. 🙂
Have a wonderful time in Italy CL!!
I STRONGLY ENCOURAGER people to take the trips ruined by their Traitors. It’s highly liberating!
So last summer I finally got to redeem a trip I was supposed to go on and had to cancel right before D-Day.
There is evidence that my Traitor was going to move out and I was going to come home to a note while I was gone-the logistics collapsed at a critical moment. I had planned the trip with a family member while she was finishing up her Master’s-honestly after watching her cheat hardcore for the better part of a year I needed a break.
Either way she got really upset when I had to cancel the trip and was trying to find ways to still make it happen after I had made my peace-getting cheated on has this weird way of helping one accept impermanence. That may have accelerated the timetable on D-Day but I will never know for certain.
But yes, I spent 2 of the best weeks of my life in Japan last summer. I got to redeem a lot of what had been planned for the “sunk” trip. It wasn’t perfect, there are things I would have done very differently(hindsight being 20/20, unknowns, etc etc). I got us around the country with my rudimentary Japanese and got to do things regular tourists don’t get to do, made memories, the whole nine. My Traitor told me that wasn’t possible and I wasn’t good enough to do that. Once again I proved that idiot wrong(and might I add, “cut something worthless.”)
I got very, very close to Tuesday one night over there. It didn’t dawn on me until near bed around my 10th day there that I had almost gotten through the whole day without thinking about that idiot. That was similarly the evening where I felt the last of the “blocks” that went in when my heart was broken release.
All of the old functionality has been restored.
Between D-Day and something else happening in my personal life, it’s better that I didn’t go back then. It would have been tainted and I wouldn’t have remembered any of it.
As for other things? I have been making a habit of either going on a day trip by myself or otherwise taking a personal pampering day on the anniversary of D-Day every year. It’s not a day of somber remembrance of the worst night of my life-it’s a day of celebrating my freedom from that idiot.
Have a (Traitor) Free Friday!
Thanks for mentioning finally not thinking about your FW for a day … between my own thoughts, people bringing him up, and his occasional texts about how much he misses us (as if it’s my and my kids’ fault non of us want to be in contact), I had begun to wonder if I’d ever get there.
The last vacation we went on together was on a cruise ship. Just the two of us. I could do nothing right, because of course she was cheating and needed to fabricate ammunition against me. During and post divorce I was part of a supportive men’s group that did outdoorsy things together. September 2001 we planned a backpacking trip in Yosemite that culminated in climbing Half Dome. While I was an experienced backpacker, I did not like exposure to high places. But I got it done with the support of the other guys in the group. We made it to the Valley floor the morning of 9/11 and a changed world. The next year I returned specifically to encourage someone who turned back the year before. He made it to the top!
I’ve finally been able to get back into camping. I loved it as a teen, went with scouts and as an older teen, friends. But, camping takes some effort, and I like to be as unplugged as possible when camping. Effort and not having a phone in hand 24/7 are not FW’s strong suits.
Daughter and I have had some great times (and a couple mishaps, good for a story later) with our weekend getaways. No tablets, minimal phone use, getting to wake up and enjoy my morning coffee next to a campfire, ideally w/a body of water in view to boot.
Although I just got concert tickets in for a gig in New Orleans, so very excited about that weekend with a friend later this summer. Now I just gotta figure out how many meals I can squeeze into a long weekend, and where!
My kids and I started a new tradition of going to my aunt and uncle’s house near the beach for a couple of days each summer vacation. My ex never wanted to do overnighters with my family and it was always a fight to even see them. He’d grump and mope and b!tch about it for two weeks leading up to any get together so I was completely stressed out by the time the day arrived. Now, we go at least once a year, and often with my bestie and her kids. We get museum passes through our homeschool charter and take my aunt and uncle to whatever museum we have that year and then we do a beach day and bbq in the backyard. It’s simple, and fun and so, so enjoyable without the intense run up to family visits I had to deal with from him. Now we all get insanely excited in the weeks before and the visit is just a total blast. So much better!
Going to Japan and Korea in August, went to Vancouver in May 🙂
Have a great trip, Tracy! You are long overdue and it’s very well-deserved! At this time I have to virtually visit Italy by watching Stanley Tucci’s Finding Italy. The Fortuny Museum in Venice is at the top of my bucket list.
Little Hammer and I did a lot of trips until the pandemic struck. Skiing in Tahoe, the maiden voyage of Symphony of the Seas (a Royal Caribbean cruise), Scotland, summers in New Hampshire and Massachusetts, Disneyland for her 16th birthday, road trips to Monterey and Carmel, a weekend in Jenner, CA, at a gorgeous oceanfront lodging. Our last trip was renting a 17th century house in Gloucester, Mass. She brought her collection of antique and period clothing to wear while we stayed there. She’s a lot of fun to travel with! My income was radically cut in 2025 so right now it’s all about local adventures, but we live in the San Francisco Bay Area so pretending we are tourists works out really well for us. Just this morning we went out to the coast in the convertible for a “sanity spin”.
What we have been through is painful beyond description, but we are both glad he is gone and don’t miss him. I look forward to many more adventures with her for as long as she wants to go with me.
♥️
Love the image of you two riding along the coast in a convertible! ❤️
Yes to the Fortuny Museum. They sell beautiful scarves and robes. How have I not visited this during my three trips to Venice ? Dealing with Aunt Venn (narcissistic alcoholic with an eating disorder) who my uncle unfortunately married in her apartment near the Biennale, that’s how.
So far I’ve been to:
Have a wonderful time on your trip, Tracy!!
I so glad you did those trips – be mighty!
I had always traveled when I could and with my family. When my marriage broke up I decided I needed to figure out alone traveling so I took weekends and just drive until I decided to stop, drive three hours to Silver City, New Mexico and stayed three or four days, and rented a cabin at a state park for five days. That one was really nice because it’s pretty remote and I was the only one there for several days because it was summer. This is in Arizona and August is pretty hot and humid in Southern Arizona.
But I did see the August meteor showers at night and that was magical.
I’m now retired and travel very frequently with husband number 2 and at times with him and my adult daughter. She and I did some travel together after her dad and I split up.
Travel is my therapy. My very happy place.
I’ve always loved to travel and we did still do it as a family, although not as much as when I was single obviously. After FW left in 2010 my colleague mentioned a solos travel group to me and so I booked my first ever trip (with others but not knowing anyone) to Turkey and loved it. I now no longer go on just solos trips as I’ve found a company I like very much that is not necessarily for solos but are always small groups. I started keeping a list in 2010 and just updated it 10 minutes ago. Trip no. 19 was to Lake Garda two weeks ago. I’m off to Seville in September and thinking of India in the spring. As someone upthread mentioned, I’m so much better off without FW spending us almost into poverty so I usually aim for a long haul trip in spring and a European trip in autumn. I love it, and have met so many fun, interesting people with not a drunken FW in sight!
FW and I used to take annual trips to a national park. My idea and I made all the arrangements, of course. Last year, it fell on his birthday. I got him a cool gift to give him at the park ( a smart telescope), I was figuring out how to bring a cake, when D-Day happened a few days before. I informed him he was no longer invited and went with my daughter. We had a great time.
Not sure what my financial situation will be, but I’m reading everyone’s comments for ideas.
Oh, and I kept the telescope for myself.
5 months after DDay I took a weekend city trip alone to the city that FW promised to take me to on my 25th birthday (20 years before). He always had an excuse not to go – it’s too close, it’s for old people, he doesn’t like the type of people that live there, it’s too boring. I made sure I did everything he would have hated – look at royal knickknacks, porcelain museum, concert at a church, standing in line at famous selfie spot. It was very enjoyable. Have a wonderful vacation CL!
What a fabulous vacation! Have a ball and don’t worry about the blog. We’ll use it as our base of operations for a chump takeover of the world.
But to seriously answer the question, I haven’t been on vacation since I left FW. Being away from him is like being on permanent vacation.
“Being away from him is like being on permanent vacation”. It’s amazing that at one time we thought we couldn’t live without them.
I didn’t take a vacation after I divorced my cheating spouse, but I did after I broke up with the first guy I dated after I split with my ex, a guy I’ll call Rebound Ralph. Ralph love-bombed me and quickly pushed for us to live together, but fortunately a sane part of me understood that was a bad idea. Although Ralphie didn’t cheat on me, he was extremely emotionally manipulative. I was in an emotionally fragile place post-divorce and started therapy to get myself together, and after a few months, I broke up with him. I immediately took my first solo vacation, which I couldn’t afford (yay for credit cards) to the Florida Keys where I swam with a dolphin and basked in the feeling of freedom.
I went to Hawaii with a girlfriend from church. We had SUCH a great time. It was very healing. I had to come back and be in the same house with FW for a couple weeks while I move my stuff out of the rental house he kept and into the house I’d just bought, but that week of sun and fun and adventure made it doable.
Go you CL! I didn’t have a dream holiday, and I was traumatized for many years so didn’t enjoy my time too much – BUT I did go away with a friend and I was shocked at how much we could do in a day. We saw and did so much more than I ever did with FW- it was a huge eye opener and showed me just how weird my life had been for over 2 decades.
FW was an absolute drag on holidays- he slept really late, stayed up late, had weird meal times that didn’t work with anyone else, he spent all his time looking up the “perfect” cafes and then in unfamiliar cities we had to chase around finding places that were acceptable to him. Then he’d unexpectedly duck out, saying he was going to a whisky shop or a game shop, leaving me alone or with our daughter (found out later this was usually him at $ex shops or with h00krz). Then he’d rejoin us a couple of hours later, acting weird, and then we’d have to figure out what’s next on his agenda. This usually involved a big break, and then hours of him trying to find the “perfect” dinner. So all subsequent trips without him are absolutely amazing 🤩
Good for you! Have a wonderful time!! 🎨
Enjoy your time away! I lived in Italy back in the day, still love visiting. Forget about this stuff awhile, you’ll be refreshed. As far as vacation, I had traveled the world before meeting FW in the 1980s, and then continued to travel weekly for work. Traveling solo was a regular occurrence for me, all my life. As one of the silver chumps here (in my 70s), I made a flexible bucket list when I got a good therapist, retired, and had time to travel for me. It has been marvelous. First, I traveled to (the nicer places) where he cheated. None of them were new to me, but something about eating in the same cafes or having a mocktail (don’t drink)in the bars he frequented with betrayal objects was so fun. Some were pretty sleazy, and the gay bars weren’t my jam, but it was fun. I took boat rides and train rides, went skiing and horseback riding, and to concerts, movies, shows, etc. All over the map.Ran a 5k race in many locations. That was super fun. He was a serial cheater from the time I met him until I caught him in late 2022, typically juggling a few at the same time. After I had enough of that, I focused on me. There was a big annual (not work) conference I never attended in all those years. I started attending. It was in Toronto in 2024. Wonderful. Paris in 2025, Philly this fall. I attended my first reunion ever. I never felt like I had time. My undergrad college 50th reunion was April 2025. I traveled to upstate NY and attended. It was fabulous. Then I started to get in touch with folks I hadn’t seen in decades. I visited a woman I went to grad school for a year with in Ohio. Hadn’t seen her decades. Luckily, most of these people were alive and in decent health. A real issue now. Met up with old pals in CA, FL, Maui, London, Israel, all over the world. This was the bucket part. To see people one more time, while we are able to do everything and enjoy it. Next up is a nostalgia bucket trip. Traveling with adult kids to where I was born, where I grew up, went to undergrad, where I learned to ski for the first time, etc. Will involve a chunk of time, as these places are scattered. I never took them, as it was deemed a waste of time ( Despite countless trips to his dreary Midwest rust belt hometown). My point…even at this age, at any age, make a flexible bucket list. Add to it, as you see fit. Enjoy, Chump Lady! You deserve it!
Awesome trip planned, Tracy!
This column gives me hope, even though all my fun money has been taken by home repairs this year. I’d rather be without FW and paying $$$$ to redo my plumbing than be stuck again.
When I was married to the cheater (I can’t stand calling him MY cheater) he always seemed so encouraging of me going on girls nights, or weekends to my out of state family. Now, I know that did two things: gave him freedom to pursue his prostitutes or the online s*x, and also have him greater reasons to be angry at me if I discouraged him from going on extra excursions with each business trip.
I took so long to divorce that we lived together for years without intimacy and lived like housemates. His pretending to be a great husband & father really lacked energy by the time our 3rd child graduated from college. He didn’t even attend, so I had a nice trip to that state with my youngest child. Other trips I took without FW at that time were over to Europe to sightsee and bring one child back from a study abroad, and I also got to tour colleges with my youngest, who had interviews with coaches who were recruiting him- very exciting! I reconnected with my high school best friend during one of these trips.
So those trips upped my confidence that I could do solo travel.
After the divorce: the first year I wanted to be super careful with money so I only did long weekends to visit my then graduated kids, who all happen to be in nice places to visit. Since I still live with my one son who has a disability, the longer trips happen about once a year now: think islands. I want to protect my family’s privacy so I am purposely not naming towns or states or countries, but they have been wonderful places.
Im glad someone mentioned group trips for solo travelers – that would be my plan someday.
Buon viaggi Fearless Leader ! Please tell us after the trip where you went. I hope you can spend time travelling around the country a bit (trifecta of Rome, Venice and Florence perhaps ?). I have fond memories of lodging at a former convent in Fiesole, a bus ride up the hill overlooking Florence, including British ladies on the veranda with their easels for painting watercolors.
I just booked a trip for 3 nights around my birthday at an oceanfront condo. I am enjoying your book so very much! I’m a Chump for sure but one who is healing and disconnecting from the cheater. Such a great feeling!
I’m currently a month into my solo trip through Australia- I’ve had some amazing times and even met someone who woke me up emotionally- just a start towards something even better ahead.
Yes I’ve been lonely and have even dreamed I was getting married to Dickhead McCluggage again! Aaagh!!
But I’ve also learned so much and grown immensely- I’m off to volunteer at a wild horse rescue place now- 21 hours away from my current location 😆
I’m learning to survive alone and that I can overcome anything- there are always people there to help if I need them.
This is not a holiday- this is the forging of me.
I’m rewriting trips I took with Moody McManchild. Cruise with FW: silent treatment for a week in Europe because I didn’t laugh enough at his Arnold Schwarzenegger impression. Cruise with kid: easy, fun, and relaxing . Beach trip with FW: silent treatment for a week because I didn’t consult him before spending some gift money. Beach with kids: easy, fun, and relaxing. Trip to San Francisco with FW: spent the whole time texting a girlfriend which lead to DDay. Trip to San Francisco with kid who also texted a girlfriend, no secrets and lies so still easy, fun, and relaxing. Plus, just living life without a FW: easy, fun, and relaxing. Tuesday!!!
You got the silent treatment too huh? When he started doing it to the kids – and not just me – I wasn’t accepting this behaviour any longer. Cheating was his underground way of getting back at me for sticking up for myself & the kids. So mentally abusive.
Tracy…you go without your laptop and have a wonderful time!! You do deserve the best trip ever!!.
Travel has been one of the biggest changes in my postChumpy life. He was horrible to travel with. He was mean, abusive, demanding, cranky, blah blah. He also refused to budget so we didnt have money for me to go anywhere and we had little kids.
After he died (I didnt leave him…long stupid story) I started traveling with my daughter…Paris, Italy, Amsterdam. I made the most of it, but she (bless her heart) is a little cranky to travel with too.
I began to date my now-husband the year after Cheater died, and he took me on an exotic yacht cruise (5 couple boat with a chef). It was spectacular ,,,plus we got engaged. Sometimes I hold back telling this story because results vary on post chump life and I dont want anyone to feel left out, but Ive travelled tons and had a lot of fun with 2 more trips planed.
LACGAL !!
Tracy, what an amazing trip you are gifting yourself! I love it! Enjoy!!!
And, travel is such a hot button topic for anyone that has been married to a cheater. They are the WORST to travel with for so many reasons. And, if you’ve had the varietal that likes strange… what better place to explore that than on vacation? I relate to so many of these posts with ‘disappearing men’ on vaca. I experienced 1/2 red flag wtf??? and 1/2 ‘well, the kids are little and hard’ (FWs can’t do hard, men in general much less FWs) so… am I crazy to think he’s hooking up on ‘hook up’ APPS??? was ALWAYS on my mind. No, no I was not. So, every vacation sucked. Tracy you are so right, a vacation in front of my closet clearing shit out is way better than all the 5 star bullshit he took us on where I couldn’t get the ‘ick’ off. I had my first GREAT vacation this spring in Costa Rica with my 11 year old. It was by far, my most favorite trip. And I’ve had some great girls trips over the years (again, ‘Yeah! Take that girls trip honey, while I fuck prostitutes and maybe my co-worker’) this one was pure joy. No FW. No airport drama b/c he made us late, no lost shit on public transportation, no glares from the locals due to lack of tipping (cheap rich guy/narcissist) just great energy all around. She beamed. I beamed. It’s refilling our buckets in the best way possible. Nothing shines a light on FWs like traveling without them!!! Happy Tuesday!!!
After separating from my FW in 2023, I took a solo (me and my dog) road trip, went hiking in the Blue Ridge Mountains and went to the Biltmore. It was beautiful, peaceful, empowering and so much better without the FW! When I got home, I filed for divorce and felt immediately better. Sometimes the perspective from the top of a mountain is a good change.
❤️❤️❤️
I took myself on a vacation trip with a few close friends to a gorgeous and luxurious resort spa hotel in the middle of northern California’s wine country. Life is good again!
Just cancelled a trip because I broke my foot. Waaaaa! Oh well.
Without FW, I am baggage free, which is the real vacay!
I took my son to visit his next older sister in N. Carolina, who happened to be staying with their favorite aunt, the FW XW’s older sister x 2.
Then I took another vacation to visit the same daughter in the Washington, D.C. area a couple of years later.
In between I went to Chumpalooza!
That’s it for now; hopefully more to come.
I also would like to reclaim where I got married to the FW XW: Mohonk House, in New Paltz, NY. A beautiful old hotel/destination area that’s been around since the 1800’s. It’s in the Hudson Valley area. That’ll happen someday, I hope.
Hope all my fellow chumps are enjoying their weekend. Be well.😊
I didn’t “take back a vacation spot”, but I turned 40 during the whole 💩show divorce. I traveled to Chicago, met my sister there. On my 40th birthday, I was drinking beer at Wrigley Field. One of the best birthdays ever!
The year after I left him, I thought “I have to take these kids on holiday, it’s going to be so hard with just one adult organising everything”. They were all at secondary school, so not tiny (and didn’t need carrying!) but still a lot of washing and thinking and logistics.
It was hard.
But, mid-way through the trip, I realised that it was no harder than it had been the year before – it was actually just a little bit easier. I had done all the washing and thinking and logistics then, but had had to take account of him too. This time it was just me and the kids to consider – absolutely doable!
So, to any new-ish chumps dreading the solo parent trip – don’t. Enjoy it. You will xxxxx
I begged FW for us to take our kids to Mexico for spring break vacation with our friends and their kids group. Nope, he said Mexico isn’t somewhere he wanted to vacation. I believed him. So where does him & Schmoopie go on their first vacation? Yup you guessed it. I wanted so bad to meet him at the airport & throat punch him. Anywho, I took the kids and we went with some friends on a cruise to Mexico in February. Apparently, FW was surprised. Yeah I’m sure he was that a parent might actually want to put their kids before themselves.
Italian summer holiday sounds blissful and enjoy laptop free time ☺️
Avoiding triggers for y one’s PTSD is not the only way to heal trauma.
Overwriting a traumatic memory associated with x can be therapeutic :
One of the long holidays – let’s call it Labor day weekend – was the final discard FW sociopath rage driving, putting on the mask in front of others at the campsite, picking fights on the way home and screaming me with kids in the car. Stomping out in anger as I unpacked with confusion and dread (later receipts showed FW went to one of his strip mall escorts), then rapidly things unraveling, shark eyes after a dinner when I thought he was about to punch me in the face, more strange fights and then DDay.
Labor day weekend rolling around again was excruciating and traumatic, given the past. However I unexpectedly met up with my now fiancé doing some local hiking and sightseeing.
We created new happy memories of the long holiday, repeated several years now as we also celebrate our meeting.
Now I look forward to Labor day weekend, a sentence I never thought possible to say.