What Vacation Did You Go On After You Left a Cheater?
The Friday Challenge question is: What vacation did you go on in your new cheater-free life? It doesn’t have to be far. Just minus a FW.
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It’s summer and thoughts turn to “Let’s get the hell out of here.” Wherever here is. I know things are economically tough all over, especially if you’re going through, or have survived a divorce. Nonetheless, maybe you’ve got plans for the next holiday weekend.
Even if it’s a staycation in your home, organizing your sock drawer. A sane, solo life with socks is better than a 5-star resort with a FW.
So, what are you doing to recreate?
What kind of gain-a-life things have you done, or planned, for yourself and your kids (if you have them)?
Holidays can be fraught after you’ve been cheated on. It’s remarkable how often FWs take their Schmoopies to the same places you went to together. (Lack of originality being a hallmark of f*ckwittedness.) Or worse, take them to places they promised to take you, and never did.
I’m reminded of a contest we once ran here and the winner was a woman whose FW promised to take the family to Disney World. And the kids saved all their money in a jar for years. And the FW stole the jar money AND TOOK THE OW to Disney World instead!
I had actual employees of Disney World reach out to me and ask to connect me to this woman so they could comp her a vacation. That FW story is pretty hard to top, but maybe you can.
Maybe you’re taking a special place back?
As for me, I have a vacation to report — and an announcement. I have not traveled without my laptop and this blog responsibility for 14 years. But starting next week, I’m going to go on a digital break until July.
I’m taking a bucket list trip to Italy as a present to myself (for a significant birthday in September). Alas, Mr. CL cannot make it, because he just started a new job. Unlike a FW, he is kind and supportive of this trip, God bless him. It’s an art workshop with my painting instructors. Little video below.
Don’t hate me. But I’m going to tune out the world and gorge on art for the next 3 weeks.
I promise to return. But if I don’t, dying in an Italian villa while plein air painting isn’t a bad way to go.
Enough about me. Tell CN about your vacations!
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I’ll be rerunning columns the whole time! So the blog will still be here. New columns resume in July.
Oh dear! Enjoy!!!! And have twenty-one of those italien coffees because what else 😉
Glad you’re unplugging! Sounds like a fantastic time!
Have an AMAZING time!!!! That trip sounds like a dream.
Enjoy your trip! and vacation!
In November 2017, my mother died and I went in front of a judge for my divorce. In May 2018, my father passed away. Christmas 2018, Asshat scuppered my plans for a gathering with friends, manipulating my adult children into spending the weekend with him. Fortunately, I knew I needed to get out of Michigan right of the holiday and spend the new year in a completely different location. I went on a cruise/tour by myself to Vietnam and Cambodia, where I was able to also celebrate my birthday, the first time without both my parents. I also saw Angkor Wat at sunrise. My brain was on fire, but I learned I could survive alone on a trip far far away. Of course, Asshat had to email me photos from our first house. Ignore! I have been no contact since March 2018, and I have been on many trips since. This August, I am taking both my children on trip to see the eclipse in Iceland.
It’s Tuesday.
I love Iceland. If you like scenery, there’s nothing like it. I hope to go back in 2027.
Enjoy your trip! I have an art teacher friend who does an Italy seminar every year.
My divorce was final just before the pandemic hit, and my beloved aunt lost her husband when we were still masking. So I took care of her for six weeks and then flew out every other month for a long time. Long drives in the mountains calmed her dementia, so that part was very pleasant. She had been divorced twice in the 1960’s and had been married 40 years when my uncle passed, so we talked a lot about marriage and divorce. Yes, it helped me a lot. Thankfully, I work remotely.
But when things finally got more reasonable, I went on an Alaskan cruise, something my ex said he’d never do. And then I planned an overseas trip every summer. Also something he’d never do. I’m not going this year for a host of reasons, but I know where I’ll do my next one, probably next summer. I’ve been to Iceland and want to do a longer, more comprehensive trip
Once I locked my abuser out and moved from a semi hoarders house (after 30 years)into my own apartment….That my friend has been an almost 4 year vacation. From being a companion animal to an abusing cheating man..on into a freedom and contentment I have never ever known since I was born. This will be a life long vacation no matter where I travel for anything else. I am not kidding here. I am the most grateful woman Alive.
I logged in today specifically to respond to your comment, 2xchump! I LOVE what you said! It got my pulse racing! Best wishes to you! (And to anyone who reads Chumplady!).
I know right???!! It feels like I broke out of Alcatraz and made the swim.
And PS- Italy is a fabulous choice, you deserve much more. I hope you’ll come back but won’t blame you if you don’t. You are loved here!!
When I left my ex and we sold the house I took a chunk and went on a working vacation. He would never take off work for me to go so I told him I needed to be somewere for work. I wanted to save my vacation so I took off and went to my companys headquarters and worked with my team for a few days but stayed at a spa. Got a message and a facial. Ate dinner alone in a resturant for the first time. Then traveled to Boston and stayed there one night in a fancy hotel. Then headed for New Hamshire. I stayed in cabins my family used to rent every summer when I was a kid. It was fall and the leaves were insane! I worked outside in the screened in porch the whole time. The cabin even smelled the way I rememberd. It was so beautiful. I said goobye to my Dad there as I missed his funeral due to my kid having a seizure the morning of the funeral. I then went visit an old high school friend and his wife who cooked for me and brought me on brewery tours and let me have fun and paid for it all. It was the beginning of many hard years but it was a bright light.
For the last few years I have been taking my now adult children and their partners to the Périgord region of France for week each Summer. We spend our time in local markets, museums, walking and just enjoying the vibe … with each couple (or myself solo) taking turns to be “in charge” of food for the group for the day and cooking up a storm and eating al fresco (or should that be “en plein air”?).
Hand made pasta with a truffle sauce made with truffles dug up with the assistance of the owners of the property we stay in, and eaten with my kids and their loved ones …. with not a FW in sight ….. is absolute heaven.
LFTT
When I was married to FW, he was very gracious about me going on girl trips. I always wondered why I was so lucky to have such a supportive spouse. D-Day occurred right after one of those trips because, you guessed it, me being away, gave him free rein to pursue strange.
Anytime we did take a trip together he always found reasons to go out on his own… a long bike ride, just wanted to walk around while I was taking a nap or at a museum, etc… evidently his flavor of strange can be found all over the world. Did you know there is a P-nis museum in Reykjavík?
So the beauty of every trip I’ve taken since leaving him is I can do it with peace of mind. I can spend as much time at a museum as I want to without worrying about his “ boredom” aka “this is why I cheat”.
Your comment reminded me of the 5th anniversary trip my ex & I took to Hawaii. It was a shorter trip, my parents were watching our daughter, who was a toddler, and while everyone back on the mainland did just fine, it was hard for me to be away from her too long. We were gone maybe 4 days? Anyways, it was our first kid-free trip, and he wanted to spend so much time doing his own thing. Reading on the beach if I was at the pool (the man never cracked open a book). When I wanted to go for a walk on the beach, he wanted to swim in the pool… Just, not very present. It would still be two more years before he’d ask for a “trial” separation. Looking back, he was likely on the phone with “just a friend,” or maybe some internet distraction, who knows.
Oh nooooooooooooo! My FW did the same, I never paid attention until I read your comment 😩 He always was “just, not very present”. Oh I am so glad I divorce him!
There’s also a p-nis museum in the north of Iceland, in Akureyri.
My first trip alone after I left my FW five years ago was to drive to Austin, to visit my daughter at school. It’s only a three hour drive, but I got to stop whenever I had to pee or wanted a Coke, without having to argue my case or be shamed for having a soda. My daughter and I could do whatever we wanted whenever we wanted. And best of all, no worries about where he was when I was attending to our kid! Bliss!
Since then, I’ve been to so many conferences and little road trips with just me, myself, and I and it never grows old!
I’ve taken my son on our yearly vacation to the mountains without his father so we could make new memories there. It was hard with all the anger, grief, and loss, but going gets easier every year.
I took my kids to Disney World. I had planned a trip to Disneyland (closer) in 2020 but Covid cancelled it. That entire trip (while planning) FW wanted to do other things in LA besides Disney. We had been to LA many times. I said this trip isn’t a trip to LA, it’s a trip to Disneyland for the kids. I even invited his FW father and step mother. Then they wanted to go to San Diego too and this and that. I bent to their will and planned a robust trip. Thankful it was cancelled. 3 years later we had the most epic trip to DW and Universal Studios with my sister, my mom and her best friend. My twins will be old enough next year so I’m planning to take all 4 to Disneyland in 2027. Good riddance to FW’s ruining vacations.
My ex future faked our family trip and I had bought us plane tickets to Hawaii since a friend of mine had moved there. We were also going to take the kids to Aulani since he didn’t want to do any Disney trips with the kids but we figured they get a lil Disney fix at the resort. Well then DDay and our divorce started. I made him reimburse me for his plane ticket during the divorce and I took the kids myself to Hawaii. We had a great short stay at Aulani and also stayed with my friend. We have since visited both Disneyland & world which is something my ex would have never done.
In the midst of our divorce, schmoopie dumped FW and since he had no backup plan and was all alone (I rebuffed his attempts to hoover me), he took his own life.
While I was married to FW, we were ALWAYS broke. He was a spender and had no concept of a budget, let alone saving anything or delayed gratification. Even with two incomes, we never had enough to take a vacation.
A year after FW died, I was scrolling FaceBook and came across a 9-day medieval cooking class/vacation in Newcastle, UK (I’m from the mid-Atlantic USA). Anyone who knows me knows how right up my alley this sort of thing is (medieval history nerd who loves to cook and loves the history of food). For the first time in 15 years, I had money in the bank. On impulse, I booked the course, a flight, and a hotel (grand total about $3K). From my phone, sitting in my bed. And I never even felt the lack of that money. With FW, we would be trying to manange with only $25 or $50 left in the account after bills were paid. Certainly never enough to book a spur of the moment overseas vacation. [Narrator: and it was then she had it confirmed once again that she had never been the cause of their financial struggles like her FW had always accused her; it was in fact…him.]
I went solo, met lots of cool people, went to lectures about medieval culinary history, spent hours in a kitchen trying out the recipes, attended a medieval banquet with food that we cooked as a group wearing a bliaut I had sewn by hand, visited castles, ate at amazing restaurants, saw the Book of Kells in person, and had a fantastic time (in spite of spending the first three days deaf in one ear because of the pressure from the plane landing). It was lovely to go somewhere without FW complaining about everything, making small inconveniences into huge drama, or demanding my attention when I want to sightsee. I got to choose a destination and activities based on what *I* was interested in, for once.
I am happy for you! What a wonderful experience you will have!!
Any “vacations” with the FW were centered around what he wanted to do and I did the majority of parenting.
My oldest did a study abroad in Florence this past semester. I went with her to help her get settled in January and had an amazing time exploring the city on my own for a few days. I went back to get her in April and we drove from Florence to Rome. It was an amazing trip. I’m eager for more travel! It’s so much more fun without an angry, impatient, selfish spouse–go figure. My next trip is a week in New Brunswick in a cottage on the Bay of Fundy!
Enjoy Italy!
As someone else mentioned, the FW always had us broke even with two good incomes due to his constant spending problems (OH did I mention he was an accountant who couldn’t handle our own finances). Might I also add that I LOVE the beach, and guess what? He claimed to have HATED it. Well just a few months after D-Day I took off to Aruba and spent some glorious days on the beautiful beaches and loved every second!! Life is so much better FW free! Happy Friday, finally made it to Tuesday 🙂
My ex was in financial planning, and ran up a gambling debt behind my back. He’s now a CPA after having to switch careers due to being fired for forgery, and he is likely sports betting again since I’m not playing the money police.
The Split happened in summer of 2020, so it was a minute before travel was open again, but oh boy when it did! Turns out when you’re not married to someone who believes credit cards and personal loans are free money, you can afford to go places!
(darn it – Enter posts the comment when I just wanted a line break)
(and Ctrl+Enter posts it when I STILL just wanted a line break.) Anyway, since then I’ve been to Vegas, Orlando, New York City, Los Angeles, Honduras, Belize, Mexico and I’ve been to more shows in the few years since than in the 20 years we were together. Okay, NOW I can “post comment.” 🙂
…. *and NOW when I hit Enter it gives me a line break, SMH* …
Cheater Ex was never any fun to go on vacations with. I don’t miss that! When I spoke with him about a girls’ trip to Australia that my friends and I wanted to do, he shut it down. (Then Covid came and really shut it down.)
During separation I got my girls’ trip, although with different girls, on a milestone birthday trip to Salt Lake City. It was amazing hiking and dining and soaking in a hot spring with gorgeous views. Night and day difference from traveling with my ex!
Since divorcing I have a tighter budget but that doesn’t stop me from pitching my tent and camping in beautiful spots, eating what and when I want, and reading or hiking all I want. No selfish control freak to ruin things.
Also, I have gotten to enjoy indulging my life-long interest in all things Laura Ingalls Wilder in recent years – touring her historic homes, watching pageants, and last year I was thrilled to participate in Laurapalooza (yes, that’s a thing, and is very well attended by people from all over the country.) 😀
A year after my divorce was finalized I took my 17 year old son on a trip to California. I planned it on “my” weekend and we didn’t tell my ex. I let my son choose everything we did. So, we slept late, shopped on Melrose Avenue, took a move studio tour and a boat trip to Catalina Island. I have precious pictures of my son swinging on the rings at Muscle Beach.
It couldn’t have been more different than previous trips with my husband. He conducted himself like a Marine drill sergeant and forced us all to get up at 7am for the daily death march, as the kids not so lovingly referred to our sightseeing. My pictures from NYC consist of 3 teenagers glaring at me at the Statue of Liberty, at the Met, on the subway.
That first trip without my ex was a revelation. And, a few years later, I took my son back to NYC to reclaim it, and we stayed in the West Village. At the end of June. In 2019. Just in time for the 50th anniversary of Pride. Hahaha! It wasn’t on our radar but we had a great time. Turns out we just needed to lose a FW.
I took the kids snow skiing with a friend. Loaded up the car, put the box container on top, rented the gear, etc. Drove the kids to the mountains and went skiing while their dad was moving out of the house. We had fun.
I also started a new tradition that year(not a vacation but feels related). I found a tree farm sorta near us, and for Christmas every year we go to the tree farm, tromp around in the hills, and pick out a tree. That year as I cut it down, hauled it to the car, and tied it on the top, all by myself (the kids were little) just felt empowering. 🙂
Have a wonderful time in Italy CL!!
I STRONGLY ENCOURAGER people to take the trips ruined by their Traitors. It’s highly liberating!
So last summer I finally got to redeem a trip I was supposed to go on and had to cancel right before D-Day.
There is evidence that my Traitor was going to move out and I was going to come home to a note while I was gone-the logistics collapsed at a critical moment. I had planned the trip with a family member while she was finishing up her Master’s-honestly after watching her cheat hardcore for the better part of a year I needed a break.
Either way she got really upset when I had to cancel the trip and was trying to find ways to still make it happen after I had made my peace-getting cheated on has this weird way of helping one accept impermanence. That may have accelerated the timetable on D-Day but I will never know for certain.
But yes, I spent 2 of the best weeks of my life in Japan last summer. I got to redeem a lot of what had been planned for the “sunk” trip. It wasn’t perfect, there are things I would have done very differently(hindsight being 20/20, unknowns, etc etc). I got us around the country with my rudimentary Japanese and got to do things regular tourists don’t get to do, made memories, the whole nine. My Traitor told me that wasn’t possible and I wasn’t good enough to do that. Once again I proved that idiot wrong(and might I add, “cut something worthless.”)
I got very, very close to Tuesday one night over there. It didn’t dawn on me until near bed around my 10th day there that I had almost gotten through the whole day without thinking about that idiot. That was similarly the evening where I felt the last of the “blocks” that went in when my heart was broken release.
All of the old functionality has been restored.
Between D-Day and something else happening in my personal life, it’s better that I didn’t go back then. It would have been tainted and I wouldn’t have remembered any of it.
As for other things? I have been making a habit of either going on a day trip by myself or otherwise taking a personal pampering day on the anniversary of D-Day every year. It’s not a day of somber remembrance of the worst night of my life-it’s a day of celebrating my freedom from that idiot.
Have a (Traitor) Free Friday!
The last vacation we went on together was on a cruise ship. Just the two of us. I could do nothing right, because of course she was cheating and needed to fabricate ammunition against me. During and post divorce I was part of a supportive men’s group that did outdoorsy things together. September 2001 we planned a backpacking trip in Yosemite that culminated in climbing Half Dome. While I was an experienced backpacker, I did not like exposure to high places. But I got it done with the support of the other guys in the group. We made it to the Valley floor the morning of 9/11 and a changed world. The next year I returned specifically to encourage someone who turned back the year before. He made it to the top!
I’ve finally been able to get back into camping. I loved it as a teen, went with scouts and as an older teen, friends. But, camping takes some effort, and I like to be as unplugged as possible when camping. Effort and not having a phone in hand 24/7 are not FW’s strong suits.
Daughter and I have had some great times (and a couple mishaps, good for a story later) with our weekend getaways. No tablets, minimal phone use, getting to wake up and enjoy my morning coffee next to a campfire, ideally w/a body of water in view to boot.
Although I just got concert tickets in for a gig in New Orleans, so very excited about that weekend with a friend later this summer. Now I just gotta figure out how many meals I can squeeze into a long weekend, and where!
My kids and I started a new tradition of going to my aunt and uncle’s house near the beach for a couple of days each summer vacation. My ex never wanted to do overnighters with my family and it was always a fight to even see them. He’d grump and mope and b!tch about it for two weeks leading up to any get together so I was completely stressed out by the time the day arrived. Now, we go at least once a year, and often with my bestie and her kids. We get museum passes through our homeschool charter and take my aunt and uncle to whatever museum we have that year and then we do a beach day and bbq in the backyard. It’s simple, and fun and so, so enjoyable without the intense run up to family visits I had to deal with from him. Now we all get insanely excited in the weeks before and the visit is just a total blast. So much better!
Going to Japan and Korea in August, went to Vancouver in May 🙂
Have a great trip, Tracy! You are long overdue and it’s very well-deserved! At this time I have to virtually visit Italy by watching Stanley Tucci’s Finding Italy. The Fortuny Museum in Venice is at the top of my bucket list.
Little Hammer and I did a lot of trips until the pandemic struck. Skiing in Tahoe, the maiden voyage of Symphony of the Seas (a Royal Caribbean cruise), Scotland, summers in New Hampshire and Massachusetts, Disneyland for her 16th birthday, road trips to Monterey and Carmel, a weekend in Jenner, CA, at a gorgeous oceanfront lodging. Our last trip was renting a 17th century house in Gloucester, Mass. She brought her collection of antique and period clothing to wear while we stayed there. She’s a lot of fun to travel with! My income was radically cut in 2025 so right now it’s all about local adventures, but we live in the San Francisco Bay Area so pretending we are tourists works out really well for us. Just this morning we went out to the coast in the convertible for a “sanity spin”.
What we have been through is painful beyond description, but we are both glad he is gone and don’t miss him. I look forward to many more adventures with her for as long as she wants to go with me.
♥️
So far I’ve been to:
Have a wonderful time on your trip, Tracy!!
I had always traveled when I could and with my family. When my marriage broke up I decided I needed to figure out alone traveling so I took weekends and just drive until I decided to stop, drive three hours to Silver City, New Mexico and stayed three or four days, and rented a cabin at a state park for five days. That one was really nice because it’s pretty remote and I was the only one there for several days because it was summer. This is in Arizona and August is pretty hot and humid in Southern Arizona.
But I did see the August meteor showers at night and that was magical.
I’m now retired and travel very frequently with husband number 2 and at times with him and my adult daughter. She and I did some travel together after her dad and I split up.
Travel is my therapy. My very happy place.
I’ve always loved to travel and we did still do it as a family, although not as much as when I was single obviously. After FW left in 2010 my colleague mentioned a solos travel group to me and so I booked my first ever trip (with others but not knowing anyone) to Turkey and loved it. I now no longer go on just solos trips as I’ve found a company I like very much that is not necessarily for solos but are always small groups. I started keeping a list in 2010 and just updated it 10 minutes ago. Trip no. 19 was to Lake Garda two weeks ago. I’m off to Seville in September and thinking of India in the spring. As someone upthread mentioned, I’m so much better off without FW spending us almost into poverty so I usually aim for a long haul trip in spring and a European trip in autumn. I love it, and have met so many fun, interesting people with not a drunken FW in sight!