The Karma Bus Arrived And I Feel Bad for Him
At last the karma bus came for her ex, but instead of feeling vindicated or even meh, she feels grief.
***
Dear Chump Lady,
The karma bus has arrived and I am struggling.
Ex-FW, who is in his mid-70s, has had a series of strokes from which he may not recover. The Other Woman (a retired nurse) has been living with him part-time and has made it clear she’s unable to provide the full-time care he’ll need if he survives. He is currently in a hospital and is having difficulty recognizing family.
Ironically, their affair began while she was married to his late best friend. FW was there when her husband died.
I am having flashbacks to D-day(s) and the years until I filed for divorce.
I’ve been no contact with FW and his family, because blood is thicker than water. My former brother-in-law reached out to a mutual friend to update me and he (BIL) and I had a caring conversation about prognosis and legal matters.
There are some very cruel things I could say to the OW and to his family. I made an appointment to see a therapist as a relief valve so that won’t happen. I don’t plan on seeing FW, who does not need my venom or tears.
Apparently, this is called “disenfranchised grief”.
I’m remembering the best parts of our 30-year marriage with no appropriate place to mourn it or be truly supported.
Will death bring closure? I suspect they may invite me to the funeral, if he dies. I will probably be a comma (behind her) in the obituary. The final sh*t sandwich.
Stepbystep
***
Dear Stepbystep,
I don’t think death brings closure. There’s just time and acceptance. Closure implies — voila! — you get over it. Whereas I think we just gradually incorporate loss into a new reality. Grief can trip you up at any time. (I’m trying to avoid the pop psychology “grief is nonlinear.” But it is.)
I tend to think of grief as an invisible bucket of slop you’re trying to balance on your head. If you stumble, the slop goes splat. So, you clean up and try again. Mourning a FW is carrying an invisible bucket of disenfranchised grief on your head. Calling a therapist is you trying to mitigate the potential splat damage. Which is very kind and mature of you.
The karma bus is perverse.
I don’t know who keeps the karmic timetables (assuming you believe in such things), but those cosmic comeuppances rarely arrive when you want them. Instead, the karma bus — in this instance, a frail and suffering FW — presents itself when you’re long past the desire for justice. Now you feel sorry for the guy. Now you’re able to gloss over his betrayals and all his f*ckwittery and think of the good times.
I’m remembering the best parts of our 30-year marriage with no appropriate place to mourn it or be truly supported.
Of course there were good times.
FWs have hooks. You’d have to be a total idiot to invest in someone completely without merit. Chumps wouldn’t pick me dance if they didn’t think at some point that FWs had value.
Look at it this way: You had the early good years. She gets strokes and end of life chaos. If she has good times, they’re going to be eclipsed by recent memories of adult diapers and hospice caregiving.
I suspect they may invite me to the funeral, if he dies. I will probably be a comma (behind her) in the obituary. The final sh*t sandwich.
The Other Woman writes his obituary.
Of course she’ll craft it to whatever narrative she wants. STOP PICK ME DANCING. Who cares what kind of billing you get? You know your history and you know this man is a cheater who doesn’t share your values.
This reminds me of a story of an older friend of mine. Her first husband left her in the 1970s for his secretary (a total cliche). The secretary dumped him within a year. Then he married his third wife. My friend tried to be friendly For The Children and the ex. It wasn’t the third wife’s fault he’d been a FW. I never understood this bonhomie, but they were sophisticated academics.
Then the FW dies. And my friend goes to the funeral — the mother of his children. AND NO ONE MENTIONS HER. Not in the obituary. Not in the eulogy. Never once. Anywhere. She is completely erased from the story. After 20 years with this guy, two kids, and decades of “friendship.” She was FURIOUS.
Her impression management was no longer needed.
That’s what they really think of you, chump.
My point is, you don’t want to go to this funeral or read that obituary and see yourself erased. If you go, understand you’re doing it for your OWN reasons, not for any validation from them. You’re not part of their story, except as the obstacle to their happiness. When you’re having misty watercolor memories, remember how they treated you.
The Other Woman (a retired nurse) has been living with him part-time and has made it clear she’s unable to provide the full-time care he’ll need if he survives.
I don’t have misty watercolored memories, so I can find this hilarious. Oh FW, did you trade your faithful wife for a fair-weather Schmoopie? I love this for you.
Ironically, their affair began while she was married to his late best friend. FW was there when her husband died.
So, as his best friend was dying, he was f*cking that guy’s wife? Or put another way: As her husband was dying, Schmoopie was cheating on him?
They both deserve all the tire treads of the Karma bus.
The only thing that would make this story better is if as your ex-FW is dying, Schmoopie is both denying him full care AND cheating on him. But as he doesn’t have the cognitive ability to recognize her, the full horror wouldn’t register anyway.
There are some very cruel things I could say to the OW and to his family.
Your absence says everything that needs to be said. The giant void in his life of a faithful partner, in sickness and in health, is visible to EVERYONE. Let them connect the dots. Let them sit with that discomfort. If you said anything, it would detract from the big lesson of his shitty life choices.
Karma bus — or consequences? They earned them. I’m glad he’s in your past. Please let him stay there. He’ll probably be looking for a new nurse soon.
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If you’re invited to the funeral, don’t go. I don’t think you stand anything to gain honoring the memory of your abuser or playing nice with his enablers.
I think sometimes we mourn terrible people even this late in the game because on some level, we’ve been holding out hope that the terrible person would wake up, take responsibility for their evil deeds, and change. Death is the final acknowledgment that no, this terrible person was committed to being terrible and they literally took it to the grave.
It’s a bitter pill to swallow but we need to accept these people are horrible and beyond redemption. That’s your closure.
As for your ex’s troubles, well, he earned them. Apparently he married a woman who connects just as shallowly as he does. I don’t know if karma exists, but I do know it’s very hard to escape a lifetime of bad choices.
My aunt’s cheater quit his fabulously wealthy job to get out of child support and spent the next decade suing her about it. He never paid a dime. Now my cousins tell me he and his mistress are suffering health complications from living with black mold but they’re too broke to move.
Meanwhile, it’s coming up on twenty years since my D-Day. My ex is a 60-year old Peter Pan: still broke, still irresponsible, and chaos follows him like a dark cloud. Debt, eviction, lawsuits, you name it. Last year, he moved into a house which was destroyed within 24 hours by a freak tornado.
I don’t feel bad for these people. I wasn’t responsible when they were hurting me or my family, and I’m not responsible now. We can’t control other people or their choices to destroy themselves and everything around them, we can only get the hell away from them and stay gone.
Brilliant words to live by: “I don’t feel bad for these people. I wasn’t responsible when they were hurting me or my family, and I’m not responsible now. We can’t control other people or their choices to destroy themselves and everything around them, we can only get the hell away from them and stay gone.”
Brava. You are mighty– and wise (with hard-earned truth).
I agree with you, Cam. Thanks for putting it to words.😊
Sometimes I think that I would like, like the bad fairy in Sleeping Beauty, to appear at my ex’s funeral when that happens and provide the equivalent of the bad fairy’s curse, by telling those assembled and singing his praises who didn’t see and experience what I did, exactly what I did see and experience. It’s a very satisfying revenge fantasy. But I know that’s all it is: a fantasy.
The closest I might get to that revenge is simply to attend the funeral, if there is one, with my son, and sit beside him, which would at least assert my permanent effect on my ex’s life, while my very presence would cast a pall on the praise-fest. If my son doesn’t ask me to attend, I’ll just be the shadow mother and let my son’s presence speak for my existence. What I never would do would be to join in the praise-fest and pretend for form’s sake that what he did never happened.)
Here’s what I want to know about this letter to CL from Step-byStep. Why–what possible reason–has the ex-brother-in-law thought she needed to have an update on her ex’s condition and prognosis after his series of strokes? I fully doubt the ex BIL contacted her out of concern for her–for what possible reason would she “need to know”? What did the ex BIL hope to gain–and by whom–from breaking her carefully maintained no contact to apprise her of her ex’s condition and his need? Makes me wonder if the family is casting about for how to provide care for him and was hoping she might be moved to return and provide the care his schmoopie declines to give.
Not just the ex’s prognosis, but legal matters? What legal matters could possibly involve the letter writer, unless there were mutual children involved? (Doesn’t sound like there are any.)
These people have a lot of nerve hanging the letter writer out to dry and then reaching out because they want to dump caretaking on her.
Stepbystep, what exactly is your ex-BIL angling at here?
This is why No Contact must include cheaters family and friends. They are handing out more poison coolaiide to drink. Put the cup down
I think that’s exactly what the BIL is hoping for!
I had the same thought. She shouldn’t take this any further with the BIL lest he develop expectations.
OP, he’s getting what he deserves. Don’t go to his funeral. It’s fine to remember the good times, but also remember what he did to you. This man does not deserve your good thoughts. He deserves exactly what he’s getting.
I don’t consider bad health issues Karma. Health issues can be a result of life decisions for sure; but I just can’t consider them a punishment. I have known too many wonderful people who suffer. We get old things start to break.
But either way I would have never gone to my ex’s funeral, even if he had a formal funeral. (which he didn’t) I cried, when he died, not because of who he was when he died; but for the years I knew him, and because he was my sons dad. I think having normal feelings is good.
I agree about closure, in fact I don’t give closure anymore credence than I do Karma. In general I do believe you reap what you sow. But I also think sometimes you reap things that you just didn’t deserve. Both good and bad. But we don’t get to see everything.
The Karma part is that their former loving spouse is not there to take care of them.
I don’t agree with Karma as there are plenty of chumps getting cancer, being along forever, forsaken even by kids, and dying early from a broken immune system or heart break or numerous other illnesses CAUSED by the cheaters lies through the years. I believe in intelligent ultimate justice and will rest in that promise. I’ve seen too much in my 73 years that was simply not fair. I’m a believer and all will come out in the end. Wishing for karma is not constructive because chumps FEEL that pain more than any cheater. Put that love on something that counts, even a puppy.
To me it’s not necessarily the health issues indicating karma, but that schmoopie is steering clear of full time caregiving. She cheated on one dying husband and isn’t about to nurse the affair partner FW. If the FW hadn’t discarded his loyal wife appliance he’d have a loving caregiver.
Male FW rarely end up with quality partners. The FW family are probably trying to see if OP chump can be roped into caregiving.
Archer,
You might be right about male FW’s not ending up with quality partners. Or it may just be that FW’s in general don’t end up with quality partners.
As for the former, we’ll see if my FW XW is a willing caregiver to her 15 year older former boss. (ok, willing is hard to verify). But, he’s rich, and even though I strongly suspect a pre-nup was signed, I have no real evidence of it. But, maybe there’s some payoff for her if she stays (and stays true, or at least isn’t caught cheating on him with someone else )?
I remember towards the end of our marriage, the FW XW told me that his mother was an Alzheimer’s or dementia patient at some high end nursing home, FAR away from her son. I can only hope something similar or worse happens to him. And that the FW XW gets to have the fun of dealing with that.
Not that I think that’s a good way to think of something like that happening to normal people, or that it should be looked at as a terrible burden for normal people (it is, but normal people get through it out of love and caring for the sick person). I don’t think either of these two shallow, scummy people are very good when it comes to maintaining their facade of love and caring towards each other in the face of that type of adversity.
The FW XW also told me in those last years of our marriage how a president at one of the smaller colleges in the state system (that her scumbag AP lorded over as chancellor) had a wife in a similar situation. He was having an affair with another woman while his wife slowly wasted away from whatever memory cognition disease she suffered from in a care home.
I remember being aghast at hearing this from the FW XW, who seemed not to think it a terrible thing. I think that’s another bullet I dodged by her exit-affairing me.
Anyway, if the FW XW has a problem like this before her scumbag AP, she could be in the same boat. Only time will tell!🤣
Wishing all my fellow chumps a very good Tuesday, even if it isn’t THE Tuesday for everyone.😊 As always, let’s give thanks that we’re free of our FW’s, if only physically.🫤
From what I have seen IRL the female FW don’t end up with quality partners either but if it’s rich enough they might bide their time? Your ex FW no doubt would follow in that college president’s footsteps 🤢
My thoughts exactly, Archer!🤣
Gotcha. Definitely consequences for him. Yeah, I wouldn’t doubt the family is trying to rope her in.
I’d give them a big old horse laugh and say “No takebacks!”
I think the karma is that the FW has no one able or willing to care for him properly. He had a loving wife he treated horribly and now has schmoopie who is not much help. Consequences.
Yes… the law of karma is the law of cause and effect; along the lines of you reap what you sow, consequences, etc. Not just from actions, but what is behind the actions, the intentions.
👍
This. I’ve also noticed cheaters tend to treat their bodies the same way they treat everything else in their lives.
Bad things do happen to good people (we’re all here because somebody betrayed us, after all). But cheaters have a pattern of irresponsibility and impulsiveness that tends to rack up consequences over time. It’s very hard to escape that unless someone has a lot of money and power, and even that isn’t a guarantee.
This is an interesting one and, perhaps, a good test of where you sit on the scale between D-Day and a fully developed Tuesday.
Ex-Mrs LFTT had a near fatal heart attack about 3 years ago and I was surprised how little I felt …. it confirmed to me that she really is “just someone I used to know a long time ago.”
LFTT
I agree this is a pretty solid Tuesday litmus test. I think if my former sibling in law called with this information, I would only play along enough to get a copy of the death certificate as I have a life insurance policy I own on klootzak to kick in and cover the lost child support and pension should he die early. I wouldn’t want my name in his obituary as his treatment of me shows he didn’t care for me to have a role in his life beyond being a f***able appliance. Was his Whirlpool refrigerator mentioned? I think my reaction would be the same as your if klootzak had a life threatening event – a shrug.
I agree, I don’t know how anyone would want their name in an obit of someone who crapped all over them.
Mr Wonderfuls Ex,
My only concern when I heard (my SIL, who I’m on great terms with, told me) was to make sure that our 3 kids (now adults) were made aware. I had to tell them as Ex-Mrs LFTT was recovering from having stents fitted and the kids will not speak to her partner (AKA the AP).
Interestingly, our 2 daughters were refreshingly unbothered; the eldest said “If she didn’t that coming (Ex-Mrs LFTT has never looked after her health), then she’s even more stupid that I thought she is.” Our son, on the other hand, felt that he should visit her once she got out of hospital ….. the visit did not go well, and he came back spitting feathers. He actually said “I thought that a near death experience might have made her a bit nicer, but I was wrong.”
I would not have gone to her funeral had the things turned out differently.
LFTT
It’s hard to get behind going to the funeral of a FW who effectively killed themselves off in our minds already with their betrayal.
I’m sorry your ex created this entire situation, but I’m so glad your kids see through it. Sounds like they have good heads on their shoulders.
Cam,
All 3 kids know exactly who their mother is and what she is capable of. Sadly, my son (who is more forgiving than his sisters) does occasionally still get taken advantage of. He’s getting better at putting boundaries in place (and only he can do that for himself), but she can be (as I learned to my cost a very long time ago) that she can be very good at taking advantage if you let your guard down.
LFTT
ROFLMAO.
Personally, I can’t wait for the karma bus to run over my ex FW narcopath! Occasionally I come across photos and feel wistful about the life path I thought we had together. Securely on the way to a prosperous early retirement and able to care for disabled child no expenses spared. A future FW destroyed and now kids have uncertain college funding while I am suddenly thrown into a work-until-FRA future. That’s when it turns to rage and wish for Karma!
Tracy’s story about her elderly friend’s wasted decades as an unpaid actor in FW’s Impression Management really hits home. To a narcissist everyone is merely a supporting actor pawn in their lifelong play “Faux Good Person” in which he/she must be the adored amazing STAR. It explains the ease with which children are discarded.
I hope she doesn’t go. She should not care what these other people think! This FW cheated on her and destroyed her life and now the onus is on her to be a decent person? WTF? No…just no!
I will not feel one bit sorry for either of my 2 EXFW’s when they die. Not one bit. That’s what happens when you betray your partner, they stop giving a shit, at some point! It may take some years to not care any more, but when it does, it is glorious!
No, death does not bring closure. My cheater has been dead almost 14 years and I still stew every once in a while. It sounds like her ex may end up in a nursing home. I hope the kids weren’t counting on inheritance money.
This post caused me to look-up my FILs obit to see if I was written out of the family narrative. They chose to not mention any of the in-law children (in good standing or otherwise). Interesting.
I’m more of a lurker than a poster here but today’s column stirred up feelings about FW and our sham of a marriage. I’m going to ramble so bear with me.
I was at the courthouse this morning and after forty-six years of marriage, six and half years of legal wrangling and lies (to me, my attorney, the judge) from FW and his attorney, I finally have a signed divorce decree. I thought I would feel joyful but instead just feel empty – too tired of all the BS to celebrate. Angry that I spent tens of thousands of dollars when six weeks and a thousand dollars would probably have got it done.
Reading the OP’s story made me realize lots of us chumps are faced with FWs in declining health. Mine was hospitalized at Christmas with pneumonia (sixty years of smoking will do that). Our daughter called me to tell me and by chance FW’s sister was visiting from out of town so took care of him. But I know he expects our daughter to care from him in his declining years. She is such a good soul she probably will even though he doesn’t deserve her, he wasn’t much of a father when she was growing up.
I must confess a part of me was hoping he would die, it would have solved so many problems. Litigation ended, property resolved, etc. I probably could have even squeezed out a few tears as the “widow”.
Like Adelante I fantasize about going to his funeral and setting the record straight but I know that his family will choose to believe his lies anyway. In a last-ditch conference yesterday with his lawyer and mine, his lawyer threatened me by saying he would call his sister to testify and I wouldn’t like what she has to say about me. The only thing she could testify about was a sum of money that was in dispute.
Unfortunately SIL has made a very foolish mistake and tried to turn our children against me. They have their own opinions of their dad and know he cheated the entire time we were married so as middle-aged adults they can figure things out for themselves.
When I look back now I can’t help but wonder what I saw in him all those years ago. I have an extremely difficult time recalling any of the good times though logic tells me there must have been some. I have so many regrets, can see all the red flags I missed and ask myself why I stayed when I discovered his cheating thirty years into our marriage. But here I am, now with a signed divorce decree and a fairly good settlement so let a new era begin! And no, I won’t be going to his funeral when the day comes,
Never too late. Plenty of us chumps in our 70s, enjoying a good, FW-free life. You’re strong, and in good company!
You are mighty, Janie, and I hope the emptiness you feel right now is soon filled with a satisfying new life without a FW. After 40+ years together, I too expect to feel ambivalent when the divorce is finalized, but I’m banking on happiness creeping in the very next day – I can already see the glimmers.
I’m right behind you: 34 years of marriage and entering Year 2 of waiting for FW to cough up all the financial documents he’s required to. Hate this limbo. Want to move into my new life, whatever that may be.
A good settlement and your freedom is cause to celebrate, but I totally get why you would be feeling empty. That will surely pass, so here’s a 🥂 for when it does.
I’m happy that the legal wrangling is done and you’re free of him. As a teacher, what I know is that sometimes we just aren’t ready to do something we know we should do–and then suddenly, we are ready.
Janie, congratulations on it finally being over. If it makes you feel any better, I had a quicker, collaborated upon divorce and I also felt tired and numb when it was over. Driving away from the finalization with my not even two-year-old in the back was just about as dystopian as it got. Better (or at least more peaceful) days are ahead.
Thank you! Knowing others have gone through this, and much worse, puts it all in perspective.
Janie, so proud of you for getting away from him! It’s never too late, and you are mighty!
Exes do get older and have health problems, but personally, it’s a “not my committee” issue with my ex.
My ex had horrific medical problems for most of our marriage. On an ongoing basis, I adjusted our lives many, many times to be there for the tests, procedures, and hospitalizations. He was also an addict with mental health issues, including suicidality.
After he took off for another state a second time, I decided he needed to be in charge of his own life, and after a year apart, I refused to reconcile. His family was some hours away and did help him at times, and there were various women that I heard about during the divorce because his attorney blabbed to mine. He was also very unstable mentally, particularly in relation to me. I got a domestic violence risk assessment done by a professional in case we needed a protection order, but it seemed very likely that he was going to stay far away.
Our kids were in college when we split, and we talked at times about what we’d do if he became very, very ill and/or passed. I said that his family would have to handle it. It wouldn’t be involved at all and wouldn’t go to the funeral. One kid agreed with me, and one said, “Maybe.”
Well, some years later, and I don’t think any of us would get involved at all. Last I was told, he was estranged from his family, so who knows if anyone would even track me down if he was near the end or gone. A retired therapist friend of mine who is familiar with my story said they probably would prefer NOT to have me there so they could manage the narrative their way. OK, good luck with that.
You don’t need to go to any funeral. Send flowers or donate to whatever cause he or Schmoops designated if you support it. Or treat yourself to a massage, a pedicure, a good movie or a nice lunch with a friend. Do whatever honors your own history, your story.
I’m quite sure I won’t be in DrunkXH’s obituary, just as he won’t be in mine! I might include a line that says “LAJ had several marriages but exited each one, stage right, for excellent reasons.”
“LAJ had several marriages but exited each one, stage right, for excellent reasons.”
😄 I love this idea. Revenge from beyond the grave.
“OHFFS was married at one point, until she discovered there actually was no point.”
I am so going to borrow that line for my obit. For both Cheater #1 and #2. 🤣
I think the fact that you feel sorry for him just shows that you are a kind, caring human being. Somebody you used to love is suffering. Of course that bothers you. Seeing a therapist is a wise choice because you do need somewhere to put the grief. It will also help to prepare you for the funeral if you do decide to go. I would say see how you feel about going later. You don’t have to decide now. If you don’t feel like it there’s no reason you should go. It’s possible that it could help to put a period at the end of the story for you, and then again it might just bring up all that old pain. Give it careful thought and discuss it with your therapist.
I would advise that you keep your distance from his family because I have a suspicion that they might be hoping you will provide some of the care that they and OW are too lazy and selfish to do. BIL has informed you if the situation now, so there really isn’t any other excuse for him to call you until FW dies.
Don’t go to the funeral, don’t send a condolence card, don’t think about him of visit him in hospital. Leave him to stew in the mess he made. Don’t five him a thought. He never gave you a thought when he lied and cheated. Inevitably you get odd moments of good memories about the time you thought you had a good marriage, but did you? was he always playing the field? Have a spa day on the day of any funeral and make it clear you don’t wish to have any information on his condition or any communication with him. You’ve succeeded in getting to Tuesday and moving on, so don’t jeopardise that peace of mind. He deserves all he gets.
My FW is already in Karma city as he discovered something anyone with their vision not clouded by the sex on offer could see. She’s money grabbing, manipulative, a liar and a bullshitter. He can’t wait for the day he can leave her (waiting on the money I’ll give him in exchange for his share of the house). Personally I don’t care if he lives or dies or if he ends up with the latest woman he is seeing behind the OWs back. What is it they say about marrying (in his case living with) the OW and creating a vacancy? Delicious irony. If he did die I would take great delight in reclaiming his body, cremating it without a funeral and disposing of his ashes as I see fit. Under her nose as she’s spent 5 years reeling him in and will get zilch from him as we are still officially married until the money comes through.
Only a year from DDay so I am super vindictive about both of them, but I’ll probably soften in time. He’s lost everything and still chasing validation and sex from other women who are as shallow as he is. Roll on the day I never have to see or hear from him again.
“When a man marries his mistress, he creates an immediate job vacancy.” – Sir James Goldsmith
Ah yes, I get this. Also in my 70s,ex FW nearing 80 and has already had stroke #1. None of his many betrayal objects care about him any longer. Neither do I. He had a couple younger sisters with kids, grandkids , and even great grandkids. They are his caretakers now, not me. I have no plans to attend his funeral, whenever it ends up happening. I am sure I will be doing something better that day. Suggest you consider that plan, too.
Yes, easy enough to say, “I’m not available that day. I hope that it goes well.”
I used that some months back with a complex situation. I decided that I really, really didn’t want to go to the funeral, and the less said, the better.
I was amazed that my mother wanted to attend my father’s funeral. She also assumed I’d go. If not for that, I wouldn’t have gone.
I’d have told them to put a stake in him to make sure he was dead, and then throw him in the ground as fast as they could.
Quite an apt description, many narc cheating FW are vampires that extract labor, money, love, health – I daresay the very life force – out of victim chumps until they discard the primary narc supply to completely move on to newer prey.
I always think of Colin the Energy Vampire on “What They Do In The Shadows.”
Thank you, fellow chumps, for supporting me through this transition.
I am 99% sure I will not attend any funeral. FW’s family is close – geographically and loyal toward each other. They will arrange care for him. I don’t mind the heads-up, since otherwise I may have just suddenly discovered my grandmother’s chipped gravy boat at the local thrift shop. Sh*t sandwich #238.
I am grateful for CL’s advice to stay no contact and to avoid doing anything regrettable. Tuesday or “meh” is hard to identify when one is set on auto-pilot. I may explore EMDR.
Yes, try EMDR. Getting the right therapist and giving it some time is essential.
I did it while also doing CBT with a different trauma-informed therapist, so it was a little hard at times to tease out which was truly helping the most. And that’s fine. Dealing with trauma requires subtle shifts.
Once the funeral is over NOBODY CARES. The obituary is printed, that is a record for others who care. You are the Chump alone with memories of a shared life thrown in the trash compactor. Save yourself and don’t go unless your adult children request you be there for them, do not presume..ask. The love you believed you had was an illusion once the cheating started up, before that, it was Peter Pan love..a child driving a big car into the brick wall. This cheater lady had 2 deaths of 2 men she played, let her take credit if she wants. Go on with your life. The people who truly matter know your story, and you do too. That’s important. Be at peace and live life to your fullest. Don’t let a dead – dying man, rule over you now. He didn’t care either so trust that he sucked.
There’s not enough money in the world that could convince me to go to go FW’s funeral; mostly with these FWs, a funeral should be called “Good Riddance Party.” Sorry to be so dark, but….why would I give final respects to someone who disrespected me for 18 years?
This was my favorite CL post EVAH. The ethical perspective here is so clear and crisp.
Oh the dying FW problem. My FW was very ill during our marriage, lymphoma that recurred multiple times, and the treatment brought on bipolar disorder. I was dedicated through all of it. As soon as he got his cancer into remission, he walked out with his Schmoopie.
At first I was sad that if he got sick and died, his family wouldn’t even tell me or invite me to the funeral. I got that really wrong.
When he was hospitalized and dying, his mother got in touch and asked me to come to the hospital. She told me in great detail that his new wife wasn’t taking good care of him. I think she expected me to cure him. By the time I saw him, he was on a respirator and his kidneys were shutting down. He died the day after I saw him.
I was invited to the funeral, but chose not to go. I just didn’t want the drama. My parents went (he and I had been married for 15 years, and my parents were very attached) and a good friend went, so I got the gossip, too. But for me, by that time, it was just a Tuesday.
I can not imagine that grief (of illness) upon grief (of betrayal).
So glad you are in Tuesday x
Did she expect you to care, or take care of him? The nerve of that woman.
We can feel pity for FWs that implode their lives yet protect ourselves.
A neighbor (FW par excellence-cheater and financial parasite from what I gathered over the years by chatting with him AND keeping my distance) died last fall, alone and living in squalor. A man in his sixties, he never had a credit card in his name (ex-wife must have), was a morbidly obese pothead with type 2 diabetes, ulcerations under the bandages on his legs. When he moved in years ago into his studio apartment, he celebrated his divorce by hiring two hookers with whom he partied into the wee hours of the morning. I guess he passed out and they grabbed his car keys and stole his vehicle. I hadn’t seen him during the last couple of years of his life, just his teenage son who came by once in a while to check on him but spent most of his visit skateboarding down our street at 10 pm; his daughter had moved away. When the ambulance showed up on our block late one night, I knew it was for him. He looked horrible-frail, a shock of hair, most of his teeth missing. I did feel sorry for him. A tragedy. The two children came to retrieve what few salvageable mementos they could and the landlord was stuck with a nasty unit to clean out. Filthy carpet, nicotine/pot smoke stained walls, wrecked plumbing, etc.
I agree feeling sorry for anyone who wasted their life by bad decisions, doesn’t mean we have any romantic, or hopeful feelings. I know that for a fact. destroyed lives are horrible as they almost always have created long term pain for others, especially children.
They do indeed create long term pain. I speak from experience.
My adult kids want nothing to do with FW. I worry, not for him or his family, but for the kids about things like whether they visit him if he gets sick or go to the funeral when that time comes. I don’t want them to have any regrets.