Serial Cheater Has ‘Some Good Qualities’
Her husband is a serial cheater who had a 10-year affair with her friend — yet she insists he “has some good qualities.” Can she save this marriage?
***
Dear Chump Lady,
My situation is almost hard to believe. I realized that as I typed it out to you.
Help me not get soft on this. I think you’re the only one who can!
Here’s a high level summary:
Husband of 26 years had a 10-year affair with a friend of mine.
Yes, a decade. She and I obviously no longer speak. I was suspicious for years but of course they both gaslighted me while openly flirting right under my nose. Finally confirmed it 4 years ago. (She texted me pics of them together a few days before Christmas, including nude pics of him).
He apologized and swore he’d break it off. So, I gave him a second chance. He initiated contact with her about 8 months later and they continued their affair for another 3 years.
He hasn’t left me, so she texted me again 3 months ago with more pics, plus rude and harassing messages.
Again, he swears he’ll end it with her.
And he said had this affair because he just needed a “friend.” (They of course were intimate.) Over the years, she transferred her daughter to the same school as our daughter the same sports teams, joined our neighborhood pool, etc.
Almost everywhere I turned, there she was. My husband knew how upset all of that made me, yet he continued to see her and lie to me about it. He said he didn’t mean to hurt me (famous last words!)
I’ve also found out he’s had at least 6 other short-term affairs during the past 10 years.
He also texted two ex-girlfriends from 30 years ago as recently as last week.
As a result of the affairs, he and I have not been intimate for years, no even so much as a handshake! He’s also been verbally abusive at times, swearing and yelling at me.
We have an 18 year old daughter who’s leaving for college in August. So my plan was to get a divorce shortly thereafter. I’ve already spoken to an attorney. I got laid off from my full-time job but have a part-time job, so my finances are tight. He wants to retire next year, but if we divorce that will most likely delay his retirement. He also had early stage prostate cancer last year but seems to be cured. I feel bad for him for that, but…
Do I give him another chance or run?
I think I know the answer. I just need reinforcement during a moment of weakness here.
I know some couples can reconcile even after multiple affairs — but is this too far gone? He pushed a very loyal person (me) to the point where I almost don’t care what he does or who he does it with. It took me years to get to that point. I now know I deserve better.
In principle, I don’t want a divorce but I feel I’ve done all I could and more, and can’t abandon myself.
Believe it or not, he has some good qualities. I’m 55 and he’s 61. My circle is small and I don’t have much emotional support so I feel very alone.
Thoughts?
I Need a Chump Lady Smackdown
***
Dear I Need a Chump Lady Smackdown,
How about a hug?
You’ve been living with a serial cheater for decades. And you experienced a double betrayal. That’s incredibly traumatic. Anyone would be running around like their hair was on fire faced with this crap. Look, I’m good for the smackdown, but before I start wielding bitchslaps, let’s just state the obvious:
You’re in an abusive relationship.
He’s a serial cheater. That’s a choice. He chose your FRIEND. Someone in your intimate circle and conspired with her in your abuse FOR A DECADE. That’s a choice. When he should be trying to earn your trust and repair your relationship (I’m hugely skeptical, but you gave him chances) — he lies to you. Verbally abuses you. And cheats further.
Those are all choices.
He said he didn’t mean to hurt me.
No, he gets off on hurting you.
It’s part of his basic operating system. And you’re modeling this sh*t to your daughter. Which is reason enough to immediately exit this relationship. (But we’ll get to that in a moment.)
He CHOOSES to hurt you.
Time after time after time. And you keep absorbing those hits. Frankly, I don’t even think you believe his BS promises not to do it again. He hasn’t left, and that’s some sort of bargain you’ve struck — he screws around, hurts you, but doesn’t leave. Which is not a compliment, btw, it’s a permission structure for further abuse. If he wasn’t hurting you, he’d be hurting some other woman.
Part of this structure is held together with the spackle of “he has some good qualities.”
Abusers are never 100 percent bad. They have hooks.
One of those hooks is the potential that they’ll change. And be more of the good person you invested in. But he doesn’t want to be different — because his entitlement is working for him. You have ample evidence of this.
- “He initiated contact with her about 8 months later”
- “He’s had at least 6 other short-term affairs”
- “Texted two ex-girlfriends from 30 years ago as recently as last week”
Is this acceptable to you? If not, what are you sticking around for? His lovely singing voice? How he looks in a starched dress shirt? That time he took you out for sushi on your birthday?
Tracy, it’s not that black and white. You can’t just dump someone. Marriages are complex!
It’s not complex.
He’s spent most of your marriage hurting you, humiliating you, risking your health, your finances, and your family life to get his dick wet. Worse, afterwards he met your pain with more abuse.
He wants to retire next year, but if we divorce that will most likely delay his retirement.
Oh the poor sausage.
Get thee to a lawyer soonest. Your part-time job could work to your advantage when it comes to alimony and division of assets. You should also try and figure out what he’s spent on these affairs and go after it as dissipation of marital assets in the divorce. You’re in a MUCH better bargaining position NOW while he has a job than afterwords if he retires. Make this mofo work for you.
He also had early stage prostate cancer last year but seems to be cured. I feel bad for him for that, but…
I don’t have a sadz that his balls are failing. They’re probably exhausted and contemplating retirement themselves. Get out before you’re his caretaker. Let your former “friend” mop up his dick dribble. Not your job.
We have an 18 year old daughter who’s leaving for college in August. So my plan was to get a divorce shortly thereafter.
No, do it now. August is only later this summer. I’m sure you had an excuse at every single benchmark.
It never feels like the right time. There’s just how much you’ll put up with.
Stop putting up with it. Take back your power. Show your daughter that this is NOT okay. You can’t get back those years you wasted with this terrible man, but you can have a beautiful future without him.
Peace and sanity are waiting for you. And if this FW asks you why you’re serving him with divorce papers, tell him you needed a friend.
And he isn’t it.
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Ex-Mrs LFTT used to make a very nice chicken and ham pie. It was good (really good), but not quite good enough to counterbalance/offset her cheating, her lying, her theft and her manipulation.
Working out how to make the pie myself and divorcing the ever loving sh*t out of her was the right way to go.
I hope that the OP sees the light and gets out.
LFTT
A good 🥧 pie! Haaa
“I didn’t mean to hurt you” was also one of the self-serving FW narcopath’so pathetic sayings about his hooker habit.
After DDay #1 we reconciled and I wasted nearly 3 decades on a serial cheater sociopath. He further en trapped me with kids including a disabled one. During our false reconciliation he also whined about retirement and how I can continue working, if married he can early retire. Raged about his image being tarnished because I didn’t keep his cheating a secret after DDays #2, 3,4,5. During this he also stole 7 figure sum. And considerd a fatal accident for me. Whether that was in cahoots with the main criminal madame side piece or not I’ll never know. Because I got the hell away so my kids can have a living mother.
Listen to everything Tracy says. Read this blog until you realize your husband is a POS abuser and whatever crumbs of ‘good qualities’ he threw out was so he can keep on USING and abusing you.
Read up on intermittent reinforcement and narcissistic abuse.
You in danger girl. He’s sizing up whether he can further exploit you to be a nurse and purse for him while he screws around in retirement, or if keeping you for Impression Management and free nanny maid was only useful while your daughter was at home.
Your abuser-husband is evaluating you as a carton of milk nearing the expiration date.
RUN
Several of use have mentioned that our FWs considered causing fatal accidents. And like a few others here, my ex made multiple attempts by sabotaging the house before he left and when he returned for court-ordered visits to do inventories, get some things, and then the final move-out. He planned ahead for what he did inside the house during those visits, and managed some, and made attempts, even when “supervised.” One supervisor was what I thought was a mutual friend, but he actively collaborated, including when they split up to “use the bathroom.” My now ex kept sneaking off to the garage. He may have been trying to sabotage my car, too.
I restricted the amount of time he could be in the house by getting a court order to keep him out except for specific times and reasons, then systematically getting independent crews to inventory, photograph and pack his stuff, then remove it to the front patio for pickup by his friends. For the final moveout, a neighbor arranged to have her visiting church elders pack and move electronics, furniture and other items as their service project. I didn’t think they could manage until they showed up: mostly young men in their twenties who knew all about packing electronic systems. FW was extremely disappointed to learn that his room and other possessions were already moved before he and his buddies arrived, and they had no reason I should allow them in the house again. He was screaming and called his lawyer, who called my lawyer, who forwarded the photos I’d sent showing the rooms were completely empty.
I had seen some of his sabotage attempts, but I’d only see one part at a time, like smashed smoke alarms or tampering with electrical lines, which did shock the IT guy who came to help with security. Fortunately I complained to someone who understood how they would combine to cause a fire or explosion. Even years post-divorce I am finding other sabotage that could be deadly.
We are fortunate we survived.
OMG. I am so glad you caught that!
The IT guy was working on my computer and child’s, which were in the same room on opposite sides. There were numerous wires on the floor, which were a tripping hazard, so he was sorting and moving them. He was shocked by a live wire left next to child’s desk. I think there were others.
The smoke detector battery in that room had been removed. The detector in child’s adjacent bedroom had been smashed, probably with a hammer. Neither of us were nearly tall enough to reach it, even standing on the bed. Child was then about half y height. Cheater is a foot and a half taller than me, and has gorilla arms compared to his height.
One thing we missed was how he disabled the smoke detectors downstairs. Upstairs, we could see he had smashed some, disabled others, or removed batteries, so we checked and replaced them.
The downstairs detectors were a different brand, and they looked fine. Those batteries were good for five years, then gave an alarm and you replaced the interior unit. Per the start dates on them, they were fine for a few more years. Until my toaster oven caught fire, and flames reached the cabinets. We heard glass breaking and smelled smoke. It was so thick you could not see from one side of the room to the other. Later, we wondered why the alarms failed to go off. We took one down, and per the information covering the back of the unit, we learned that when the batteries were dead, the alarm continued until you stuck a tiny metal pin into a tiny hole, about the size of a capital O on your keyboard. Per the date on them, the batteries and detectors should have worked for several more years. If he hadn’t already punctured them and disabled the alarms. You could see the hole right through the O’s. He had also disabled the fire detection component of the home security system. I had to have that repaired as well.
The sex and thefts are things cheaters do for themselves, disregarding their partners. But systematically and painstakingly trying to cause the death of a partner or child is something you do TO them. And he did it in ways that would be hard or impossible to prove.
Indeed!
May I ask what else you found in terms of sabotaging the house? I’m in the former marital home which FW had free access to.
Tracy found it in her email. Here it is.
I am wary of posting them because I know some cheaters and APs come on here, and I don’t want to give them a playbook.
That said, I’d advise all chumps to make sure they have the only keys/access to their car, their garage, and garage door openers, even if that means changing them. If possible, park the car someplace inaccessible, like a locked garage. There are multiple ways to tamper with a car that will cause accidents, and some are simpler than cutting the brake lines. One of my first priorities was to clear enough space to fit my car in the garage. It was to keep him from knowing whether or not I was home. I didn’t expect or recognize that problems were due to tampering. When fluids or tire air are low, it’s easy to think that’s normal.
Good checks for safety including checking smoke, gas and fire detectors to make sure they have not been disabled; look for any tampering or redirection with security systems, phones, computers and anything else that can be disrupted or redirected to an outside source, note and check any new odors to assess if gas is coming into the home (this includes someone redirecting methane from toilets into the house), make sure gas lines and any gas run appliances (dryer, water heater, fireplace, stoves/ovens, etc.) have not and are not tampered with, and if possible, secure them; check for any exposed ends on electrical cords; look for cuts to electrical cords, Investigate any changes (taste, color, sediment, bubbles) to water coming out of your faucets. Check under and inside furniture carefully, and don’t walk barefoot or put your hands anyplace you can’t see them; people can put sharp knives and rusty tools under beds, between layers in a linen closet, etc.
Personally, if FW has access, I’d put locks on your fridge and freezer and use them when FW is there. FW suddenly wanted to bring me food. I declined because he refused to send it via friends or leave it at the door, and it was an attempt to get in the house. It might have been an effort to feed us contaminated food. Sometimes tempting food was left at the door, as my neighbor used to do. FW didn’t know that stopped when that neighbor moved away. I didn’t know who left it, so I tossed it,
I installed door locks that required a number code, which can be used with or without a key, and also include a deadbolt. You can change the code easily, without having to call a locksmith, and I think there are some that allow you to have multiple codes for different users, which means that you can later change or remove it and bar someone. I can create and remove additional security codes myself, too.
Children are a vulnerability a vengeful parent can exploit. Mine made threats and demands during secret calls, using an app that makes the calls disappear. For example, he wanted access to the house–which meant the new door and security codes– and to get compliance, he said that if child didn’t do as directed, or told about the calls, he would kill child’s pets, me, and finally child. To protect us, child made up and gave him the WRONG codes. Fortunately, when the fake door code didn’t work, he didn’t try to break in, but if he had, he wouldn’t have been able to shut off the security system. He also demanded that child give him my schedule outside the house. Child made that up, too.
He falsely reported child was bruised and bloody from beatings in calls to police, neighbors, and Child Protective Services minutes before he attempted to kidnap child, who he had told to go to another location. Child went, but stayed clear on his bike because he noticed that the car’s license plates had been changed. Fortunately I called him home when police arrived. That night, he called all three again to say child had calIed him because I was actively beating child. They came immediately, only to find us sitting outside on the porch, with a director we knew from a child welfare agency, who I had asked to come over because child was upset. As a result of those false reports and his other actions, I was granted complete sole custody.
Before and for some time after that, he drove by the house frequently, and although the opposite side of the street is completely and permanently fenced off, suddenly people started parking across from my house, sometimes sitting in their cars for hours. I couldn’t see license plates, and later discovered it was because cheater had repositioned the security cameras so they lost coverage of key points. It was probably stupid, but I started going out to photograph their cars and license plates. They’d speed away. Eventually cars stopped parking there.
He also poisoned the dog. I know it was him because he left the food in one of his manpurses. We were able to get the dog to the emergency vet in time.
The following could be attempted harm, harassment, or he was using me to keep deliveries safer than they would be outside an apartment. but once when I opened the front door, the only door we use, I was nearly crushed by six or so huge cardboard boxes leaning against the door. He had ordered a new couch, table and other furniture with instructions to lean them on my front door. (He said it was his.) Per my lawyer, I had to bring them inside, where they completely filled my foyer and hallway, until he chose to pick them up. He didn’t rush, and later he again ordered more furniture delivered against my door. If child had opened the door, he would have been flattened.
There’s more. Whatever they can imagine, they can do. I think they get a thrill from it–duper’s delight.
WOW.
I sent a very long and detailed reply, separate from the one about batteries. I don’t know why it didn’t appear. I hope it shows up.
OMG I am now going to check all the smoke alarms
This. You is in danger. Nothing is going to get better and absolutely for your daughter sake. Show her what to do which is to never let someone treat you like that. Everyone here has been treated like that and once you are away, you will have perspective. You got this. You are here. This is your window to leave. Please do not wait any longer and keep us updated. Also your friend who is not your friend because she’s sleeping with your husband is a stalker . Stalkers are dangerous. Please see a divorce attorney that was a life changer for me. Because they can start giving you clarity. You will find a healthy and good life. You’ll have to work to get out of this, but you will be free and you will look back on this time and even though it was a very long time like me and like many of us, you’ll be so happy to be out of it.
You ALMOST don’t care what he does and who he does it with?!? I’d take that ALMOST and stuff it in a sack! And he’s very lucky you are too kind to do that to him!
This is a quickly fading opportunity for you to build the best future for you and your daughter. Quietly gather your financial documents, obtain legal counsel and jump. Every decision should be based on whether it leads to your independence. His input, his opinion, his objections are irrelevant.
Add a daily walk or exercise class/video. Talk to your doctor if you experience severe anxiety/depression. Volunteer in a setting that doesn’t demand a lot of chatter – at a food pantry, with animals, etc. Find a community that shares your values.
Read through the CL archives everytime you feel discouraged.
Yes, get the divorce before he retires. I was married 35 years and my X retired right before our divorce was final. I got no alimony because of that. He started working again right after the divorce. He needed money to wine and dine his new soon to be wife.
I thought the same thing, OP has a shrinking window of time to escape the toxic marriage while FW is earning more than her and distracted by new side pieces.
He’s 2000 steps ahead of her in planning her discard.
Trust that he sucks and get an attorney right away. Big hugs to you, you can do this!
My ex also had numerous good qualities and was the most accomplished actor. He used to cry actual tears as he promised that he didn’t mean to hurt me. He would change, he couldn’t live without me and the kids….
Well, it turns out he absolutely could live without me. He was actually surprised when I left (and angry). I’d stayed through a couple of d-days, so no wonder he was surprised.
Find a good attorney, a therapist who will help you figure out who you are after years of living with a manipulator, and then live your life—you might be surprised by the joy you feel.
This is part of the bargaining with yourself in order to find reasons to stay. It’s terrifying to make the decision to up end your entire life. But it truly isn’t that complicated. It comes down to asking yourself if this relationship is acceptable to you. You could also ask yourself if this treatment is what you would want for your daughter. Then the answer becomes crystal clear.
My betrayer had some “good qualities.” But the further away I get from his lies and manipulations the clearer it becomes that what appeared to be “good qualities” were simply more lies and manipulations.
The betrayal by both FW and friend is horrid, especially her aggressive move into your turf. And especially through your child’s school and activities..
While you’ve been waiting until your daughter is 18, he may have been doing the same, with plans to move you out too, and move the AP in. Get going on getting your lawyer and documentation, including financial records, NOW.
I hope you kept and backed up the AP’s photos with FW, especially the nudes. Unless he slept through it all, he knew and allowed her to take those pictures, On at least two separate occasions.
It’s also not fair to spring this on your daughter after she’s left home and is starting college in a new environment, away from her usual support structure. I’d get a therapist for the two of you. If she’s likely to share your plan with her FW Dad, you may not want to tell her about the upcoming divorce, but she should at least know about the affair. She may have spent the last 10 years dealing with the AP, too, and not known what’s wrong. If AP is willing to intentionally hurt you, not just with cheating but sending photos and nasty comments to you, she may have been doing something similar to your child, while you have no idea. I wouldn’t be surprised if all these moves were to give her access to your daughter so she could assassinate your character. After all you were friends, and if you didn’t tell your daughter why, the ex-friend may have filled the gap. I don’t blame you if you kept silent about the AP’s ID with her. It would have been difficult for her to deal with seeing this AP at all the parts of her life that AP infiltrated.
Your FW no doubt enjoyed all this, especially if he went to any school or sports events.
If you file when she leaves, your daughter has just a month before she leaves to come to terms with her father as a cheater. Use them wisely.
There’s a few good books about the impact of cheating on kids. I’ve mentioned two of them here, before.
Hugs to yo and your daughter.
Agree that his retirement goal includes a lot of other plans for his life, such as moving on with someone new. Act now, LW.
When I was rocking back and forth in my therapy chair crying..BUT WHAT WILL HE DO WITHOUT ME, He’s so nice to his father, mother, his family and he drives me to Bed & Breakfast weekends!!!….my therapist, who had done a long stint counseling prisoners told me that =serial murderers are nice to their kids, pets and gave good gifts to family members at Christmas too. Not to be fooled..because they lie through ACTION and words. They also ALWAYS land on their feet. Always and do spendid on the next victim. No worries Mate
PS! I can’t believe Tracy came back to us from sun drenched ITALY on the water…with all our whining!!! What a woman. Thank you Tracy!!
Yes, CL is fantastic, and the vacation well-deserved. We’re not whining though! 🥰 We are, thanks to CL, helping each other through horrific abuse.
Amen,I agree 💯 %.. how about, all our crying out loud to CL and CN, but only until Tuesday!!! Then we 🧍♀️ stand up tall !
I am so sorry you’re here. It sucks. I also had a serial cheater. Overv30 years. A few of them I knew. Most, I did not know, and will never know. There is nothing to save here. I am in my 70s and thankful he will never touch me again. I will not deal with his medical issues, as they get worse, as he is nearly 6 years my senior and had encounters with numerous infected betrayal objects. It sucks for kids, too. Your kid will need a good therapist. There is still a good life ahead, even if the runway is as short as mine. Get a full STD panel, including blood work,pap smear, etc. Go to the dentist for a full oral exam. You have no idea where his mouth was. We are here for you!!
“I didn’t mean to hurt you” is an excuse as useless as an anus on your elbow.
Oh he didn’t mean to hurt you? Then what did he mean to do? I always see that excuse line and think it’s one of three things going on here:
1) He knew it would be hurtful, he just didn’t care. It doesn’t matter if he didn’t mean the hurt, he decided it was worth it. So in his mind it’s just collateral damage, but it’s ok because he didn’t specifically set out to cause you harm. 🙄
2) He knew it would be hurtful, but he didn’t think you’d catch him. He’s fully aware of the pain it causes, but he figured it wouldn’t matter because he never thought you’d find out anyway. So in this scenario, again, in his mind he didn’t specifically set out to cause you pain, so he still thinks it’s ok.
3) He just straight up didn’t think about you at all. Can’t mean someone harm if you’re not even thinking of them!
Or a combination of these. Mix and match to make a set!
“I didn’t mean to hurt you” is what you say when you accidentally step on someone’s foot. Not when you have an ongoing 10 year frikkin affair.
CL’s advice is spot on. As someone who stayed through decades of long and short term affairs, always with the promise of being done, or AP meaning nothing to him, my biggest regret is not leaving sooner. It’s really hard. Its really uncomfortable and yet the final decision to love yourself more than a harmful abusive faux partner is worth every painful experience you will endure.Don’t do what I did. I mistook loyalty and altruistic love as a bond we shared.It was in fact Stockholm Syndrome. Good luck to you.
I just can’t get past that she is considering staying in a marriage where she has no sex, (for years) but her cheater will continue on with his sex life while treating her like dog waste.
Her main motive, I think, is keeping an “intact family” for her daughter.
Right, but her daughter graduates soon and will be emancipated. She is asking if she should give him another chance. I know it is easy to talk when you have passed the pain and had a much better life. But she is considering more time celibate, devoid of romance, or respect from him to “give him another chance”.
So in short my advice would be hunker down, get your financial papers copied and secured and run like your hair is on fire.
I get the concerns about retirement and all. My marriage had been in a tailspin for years, and then it blew up right after he retired. I had largely been a SAHM. But he effectively set the course. We separated twice in the first year, and he went many states away. He had significant health problems when he left and a health crisis immediately after. I took a deep breath and let go. I knew he was living like a single man.
But because of his religious family, he tried to convince me to reconcile on a surface level. He insisted he was a good man, as did his family and our long-term church.
Nope. I refused to reconcile, and the divorce told me just how very little he thought of me. He is NOT a good man. I figured that if I had to live in someone’s basement for the rest of my life with a microwave and tiny refrigerator, it was still worth it.
Well, that didn’t happen, and I did just fine. I had to rework my friend circle and figure out what this phase of life looked like. The adult offspring actually like me and want nothing to do with Dad, their choice. I assume he’s still alive, but it’s been years since we heard from him. And we’re truly enjoying life without him.
Spot on, as always! The letter-writer has probably been “frog boiled” to accept this kind of chaos over a long period of time, which is why she thinks it’s not so bad. To those of us who aren’t in a relationship with this guy he sounds like satan himself.
My cheater was really, really FUNNY. I stopped laughing when I found a photo of his penis in another woman’s vagina. If I want funny I can watch professional comedians. They are funnier anyway and don’t create daily discord in my life.
Tracy is also correct about filing while cheater is still working full time.
The alimony amount will reflect a long marriage, higher income and tuition contributions can be negotiated. If he delays collecting his social security until well after 62 years of age, a divorced survivor will be able to receive that higher amount some day.
Talk to a lawyer, not to the cheater. If the sucessful cheater is concerned about his image, ask lawyer about threatening to depose affair partners and employer.
Sorry that you are going through this. Do you really want to give the cheater another chance knowing what you do and continue to model your daughter that his behavior is okay and totally acceptable?
So what if he wants to retire? If he wants to he will find a way to do that even after the finances are settled. He has prostrate problems? So what so do most men at a certain age!! He can find sympathy in the dictionary.
Get yourself to a lawyer and start this process now. I was married to a serial cheater too and it will not get better. My ex could also cry little salt tears at the drop of a hat but somehow could not change his behavior. Get the lawyer and it may be good to get a forensic accountant too since affairs are not cheap. I did both and the amount of money he spent on numerous Schmoopies allowed me to pay off my nice home, buy a car, go on several nice vacations and retire. Get a great settlement and lead a great life. Please model the behavior you would want from your daughter in this situation.
I am almost four years out from a long and drawn out divorce process and life is better on the other side. Don’t wait, you deserve the peace after being with a serial cheater.
His alleged good qualities are few and far between at best and they are no compensation at all. Even the worst, most monstrous people have some good points. For example, Hitler was reportedly an animal lover and kindly towards his friends. Ted Bundy volunteered at a s*icide hotline. 🤷
Your FW is not just a cheater, he’s abusive in other ways. He and this woman straight up had a Machiavellian bunny boiler plot of emotional terrorism against you. Don’t think for a minute that it was just her and that if you get rid of her you’ll be safe. He was in on it and he was even okay when she involved your daughter in it. They probably laughed themselves sick over it when they were together.
Btw, no, people do not *successfully* reconcile after serial cheating. Chumps may think they do, but the cheating continues and goes further underground. You can take that to the bank.
So yes, you do know that your only viable option is to leave and are really just looking for support to do so. We’re here to cheer you on, to comfort you and to advise you, so you aren’t alone. A fantastic cheater and abuse free life is out there.
I second the notion that if you don’t get out soon, you may end up feeling obligated to take care of the FW. He could have a relapse anytime and no, don’t bother feeling sorry for him. Did he feel sorry for you because of how he was hurting you? He did not. Obviously, he liked it, because he kept on doing it. Let him sort his balls out alone, because there’s no way that sociopathic schmoopie is going to be his nursemaid. She’ll dump him if he’s ill. She may even dump him just because you are no longer around to triangulate and play Single White Female with. From what you’ve said I believe that’s been the real draw for her, not him for himself. She’s been poisonously jealous of you for a long time, and not just because of him. Get them both the hell out of your life, as in full NC with her, and as low contact as you can go with him.
Yes the level of sadism in the cheating FW and bunny boiler would make me extremely concerned as the chump. They would love for her to be out of the way permanently if KWIM
If this was your daughter, what would you tell her?
If she is in similar circumstances someday, and there’s a good chance she will be, what would you tell her?
Bernie Madoff had good qualities.
Serial killers are often married, with children, are churchgoing pillars of the community. “Good qualities”.
Con artists have “good qualities”.
These people all rely on those “good qualities”
to confuse, manipulate, and obfuscate, and abuse their victims. Image management.
Truly good people DO NOT lie, deceive, defraud, abuse.
You launched the “friend” but not the man masquerading as a husband? Why?
There is no love without respect, and people who engage in illicit relationships have no respect for anybody. They don’t have a clue what love means.
It’s been part of my odyssey as a chump in recovery to learn what love is, and to practice bestowing it on myself, and to stay away from people who show with their actions that they do not love me.
I’ve always had the support of an excellent therapist. I highly recommend it. People need support when navigating big things.
♥️
What a douchebag! Couple of things:
1) where is this money that he thinks he can retire next year while you are working part time and money is tight? I say that because it sounds like he has hidden money somewhere which is classic abuser pattern. They take your money, hide it, then say it’s their money as they ride off in the sunset while you work your ass off struggling to get by. Considering that, I would talk to several good bulldog lawyer who understands how these asshats hide money so you can find yours and then secure the best one.
2) I think you need to look into trauma bonds to help you understand why YOU keep wanting to give this ass more chances. You have known about his cheating for years and haven’t been intimate in years but you keep searching for reasons to stay. That is classic trauma bond. Understanding them with the tenacity of teaching your kid its not ok to be treated this way and how you deserve peace/happiness can get you over the hump of taking those initial steps to freedom.
Wait, if it’s obvious that you no longer speak to her, why isn’t it obvious to no longer speak to him?
It may be that the only reason FW has stayed in the home is to avoid alimony and child support. Once your daughter leaves for college, he may move out himself. Don’t be caught flat-footed.
Gather all the financial documents–mortgage, utilities, banking, credit cards, investments, retirement, federal and other taxes, pay statements and W2s. You can make copies and PDF them to organize for the attorney. Open a dedicated email for communication with the lawyer.mCheck your computer for key logging or spyware and change the password to something only you know so you can store documents and send emails he can’t access.
Once you have all your family financial stuff, start looking at bank and credit card statements to see how much money he’s spending on his various affairs. Save those texts and photos the OW sent and make copies for the attorney. Chances are you are not in a “fault” state for divorce. But a tough-minded divorce attorney might depose the affair partners as a way to get FW to agree to a reasonable settlement.
You should look carefully at where you stand in terms of your home. Is there a mortgage? How much is it per month? How much do you still owe, or is it paid off? You can check Zillow or another site to get an idea of how much the house is worth in today’s market. That will tell you about how much equity there is in the home. Give thought as to what you want to do and where you want to live after divorce? I bought my ex out of the house, which is good because its value has gone way up but also hard because it’s a money pit. In your mid-50s, you would have a chance to downsize to a place for you and your daughter when she’s home. You could relocate to a less costly place to live or a place where you can get a better job. And while he’s paying the bills, get into therapy with someone who understands therapy and partner abuse.
Time to start imagining the life you can gain when you get rid of this abuser.