Isolated, Stuck and Need to Leave Him
She needs to leave him, but she’s stuck in a foreign country for his job, and gave up her job. How can she begin again?
***
Dear Chump Lady
My D-day came on 26 January 2026. Until then through the 25 years, married 18 years, relationship with my husband I was fully consuming the hopium.ย
I know grief is not linear and I go through periods of feeling happy and free after separation.
However I recently watched a TV series in which one of the leading characters put her divorce file in the freezer instead of dealing with it, after her husband’s affair.
That is me. I have communications sitting in my inbox from my lawyer, for weeks on end and I can’t get myself to deal with it.
I am 100% convinced that the divorce is the right outcome for me. Yet I am paralyzed by fear and grief.
I was in a lonely, unsupported marriage. I don’t know when it happened. But gradually my husband’s life became consumed by alchohol and negativity.
Throughout the years I watched him destroy relationships with work colleagues and struggle with healthy friendships. I was a fool to think that he would never turn on me.
In July 2024 my husband went to another country because he had lost his job and there was a job shortage in our home country. We were sinking financially.
I finished the year working, looking after our 3 children. Including one challenging neurodivergent child.
In January 2025 I packed up my life, sold our home, said goodbye to all my friends and work colleagues, rehomed 2 of my pets and moved to the new country to be with my husband.
As soon as I arrived,ย he started treating me badly.
Devaluing me and trying to pressure me into an open marriage because he no longer felt any “passion” for me. I can write a whole essay on everything he did and said.ย
Yet it took me a whole year to realize his behaviour escalated so drastically due to another woman. The affair already started 6 months before I packed up my life in my home country.
I grieve the confident person I was in my previous job. I was good at it. And I have 3 degrees and several certificates to my name. Yet now, when I read job ads I am convinced that I won’t be able to cope with the job. I can’t even get myself to finish reading the job ads.
My brain has been traumatized. I struggle to concentrate.
I can’t even read a book. When I try to watch something, I need to rewind the TV several times. I sometimes find myself standing in the middle of a room or grocery shop, not remembering why I came there in the first place.ย
It feels like someone has put my brain in a food blender, turned it on, and then stuffed the mushy bits back into my head.
I grieve losing my home, my friends and my home country. I grieve the lost years of my life. Five years ago, I was contemplating divorce before his affair happened, why did I not listen to my inner alarm bells?ย
I feel so incredibly lonely.
And that is when the negative inner voice says you are not good enough, you are not lovable.ย
I have been unable to do the no contact thing. We share 3 kids together and I am struggling with extreme exhaustion. I did not realize how much his alchohol addiction and related behaviours drained me until it was too late. I have emotional burnout.ย
He comes over every day to help with chores, food and our neurodivergent child.
I have no support in the new country and I am fully financially reliant on my husband for the last 18 months. I know the person who broke you can’t put you back together. But at the moment he is all I have.
My family has declined to come over and assist me. They feel divorce does a lot of damage to kids and I must just suck it up and get over the infidelity.
My husband,ย 7 months sober,ย now feels extremely bad and ashamed about how he treated me. He is not a narcissist and realizes the damage he has done, to some extent. But my fear is that this is a temporary shift in perspective. And things will change quickly when a new schmoopie arrives on the scene.ย
I am thinking about doing a masters degree in teaching and reskilling myself as a teacher. But I doubt the choice of becoming a teacher, if i even will be accepted into the course, my ability to study, my ability to cope with managing a classroom and ad value to society.
For me the path to no contact will be build slower and over time. I need to find my independence first and get back on my feet.
My question for you is: How do I find me again?
How do I push through the fear, grief and burnout that is stopping me from working on my future and pushing through with the divorce? I only have between now and new schmoopie to get my act together.ย
Kind regards
Moomin Mammaย
PS. The Chump community has been my lifeline. I read your posts everyday and fuel myself with anger for the unjust actions happening to other chumps.
Cheating and substance use is abuse because it creates trauma. My degrees are in Psychology and no amount of studying could have prepared me for what I went through.ย
***
Dear Moomin Mamma,
Find a trauma specialist, stat. Your D-Day was recent and monumental. You gave up your WHOLE LIFE for your husband — and the entire time you were making those enormous sacrifices (plural) — he was cheating on you.
You would NEVER have isolated and impoverished yourself if you knew. Of course he feels unsafe.
HE IS UNSAFE.
I don’t care if he’s sober for 7 months. (Oh really, since your D-Day? WTF?) I don’t care that does “chores.” (They’re HIS children too, asswipe.) And your family can f**k all the way off with their divorce shame. You can never feel safe with this man again knowing he is capable of this.
I am 100% convinced that the divorce is the right outcome for me.
Yes. So honor yourself. Give yourself some credit. You called a lawyer, even if those papers are in your metaphorical freezer. You got separated. Those are big lifts. You can do hard things.
But the trauma is messing with your head. Because of course it is. So get some help for this, immediately! I’m not a professional shrink, I’m a lady with a blog. But other chumps go on antidepressants, sleep aids, or try EMDR. Anything to stop the self-sabotage of defeatist thinking and paralysis.
And that is when the negative inner voice says you are not good enough, you are not lovable.ย
You are good enough.
And one drunk FW’s opinion says NOTHING about your lovability.
But you’ve been beaten down by constant devaluing and this staggering betrayal. Look, even if he wasn’t a complete waste of carbon, moving to another country and leaving your job and friends would be huge stressors. It’s one thing to WANT to move, to have an adventure, to take a risk — it’s quite another to have it forced upon you by circumstance. This is a double whammy — infidelity and isolation.
Of course, isolating their victims is what abusers do.
My husband,ย 7 months sober,ย now feels extremely bad and ashamed about how he treated me. He is not a narcissist and realizes the damage he has done, to some extent.
His “feeling bad” and “ashamed” IS ABOUT HIM. Tell me again how he’s not a narcissist. But whatever. He’s a FW. The thing about addicts is — whether it’s a bottle or a Schmoopie or both — they aren’t available for relationships. They’re escapists. Bottles have no needs. Schmoopies are disposable.
You’re disposable.
Except that you perform essential wife appliance duties.
But my fear is that this is a temporary shift in perspective. And things will change quickly when a new schmoopie arrives on the scene.ย
It’s a strategic shift in perspective. You lawyered up. Of course he’s trying to get sober and sorry. Looks better to a judge. Perhaps you won’t make demands. You’re already complying by not opening your emails from your legal counsel.
Forgive my cynicism, I just read a bazillion of these stories for a living.
Anyway, let’s get to the heart of what you asked:
How do you get yourself back?
By ACTIONS.
Small actions, big actions, bold actions, quiet actions, wobbly actions, unsure actions, defiant actions. Do, DO, DO THINGS.
Every actions will change your mood. You’ll get a little bit of yourself back. I’m sure CN will have suggestions, and in fact, someone out there has probably navigated themselves out of a similar nightmare.
You call a trauma special. Maybe, you contact your old employer about getting your job back or current openings? You talk to your lawyer (the one you’ve been avoiding) about custody and moving the kids back to where you have support. Document his instability. (Get it in writing from him that he cheated on you.) Demonstrate your stability.
If moving is not feasible, look at jobs where you are.
And I have 3 degrees and several certificates to my name. Yet now, when I read job ads I am convinced that I won’t be able to cope with the job. I can’t even get myself to finish reading the job ads.
You’re a woman with three degrees. Bitch slap yourself. If you can cope with YEARS of a FW, you can totally cope with a job on your own. Darling, a job on your own minus a FW would be so much more sane. I’d rather shovel sh*t in Satan’s stables than live with a FW. Consider how freeing employment would feel.
Instead of seeing a job as One More Thing, see it as your ticket OUT.
I am thinking about doing a masters degree in teaching and reskilling myself as a teacher. But I doubt the choice of becoming a teacher, if i even will be accepted into the course, my ability to study, my ability to cope with managing a classroom and ad value to society.ย
You have three degrees. I’m certain you know how to study. To me this option feels like kicking the can. I smell hopium. You may be thinking you can stall for time while you complete a degree. No, get financial independence from this FW, but divorce NOW while you’re financially vulnerable. Get the best goddamn settlement you can get.
Moomin Mama, you can do this. Soon you’ll be back on this blog telling other chumps how you did it, encouraging the newbies. I see your future, and he’s not in it.
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Moomin Mama,
One of the keys to building a better post-Cheater future is believing that you can do it โฆ. so visualise it, believe it and build it.
Iโd also offer (without being patronising) a couple of quotes that might help:
โWhen you are going through hell, keep goingโ (Winston Churchill) and โThe longest journeys start with a single stepโ (Iโm not sure who said that one). Youโve already taken the first step by engaging a Lawyer, so follow up and keep stepping forwards.
You can do this; for yourself and your children.
LFTT
When I was leaving ExFW, I remember reading the book Creative Visualization by Shakti Gawain, and visualizing a better life really did help manifest the changes, because every action was taken towards making that life a reality.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” is widely attributed to Confucius, but it actually originated with Lao Tzu, author of the Tao Te Ching.
I absolutely agree with you LFTT; Moomin Mama absolutely can do this she sounds like a loving mother and a well educated woman. Her mightiness is inevitable.
Moomin,
I am so sorry he did this to you. He KNEW you were giving up your whole life for him, while he was betraying you. He knew.
He just didnโt care, felt entitled to your service, or perhaps even wanted you away from your support networks and dependent on him so you couldnโt really leave.
This situation isnโt your fault, he had all the information and set it up to happen. He could have easily called you before the move and ended things while you still had the house and your job. He intentionally didnโt. You cannot ever trust him again.
You are already in the most painful part. The stuck part, the deep in the pain of betrayal part, the isolation. Talking to the lawyer or small steps may feel like wading deeper into the pain, and in the short term maybe it is. But itโs like fording an icy river. Standing in the freezing current is painful and draining, itโs hard to wade forward and get in deeper. But itโs the only way to get closer to the bank on the other side. The longer you stand in the cold water, the harder it can be to get moving again, and the more tempting the old bank may be.
Take small, tiny steps every day. Email the lawyer back. Text friends back home and tell them whatโs happening. Call a trauma therapist who is supportive of divorce. Look into telehealth if driving to an office is just too much right now.
Envision what a safe, quiet home would look like. Believe that there is a future where you have a job, a home only you and your children have the keys too, and you can sit on a chair drinking tea while the rain falls. Believe there is an end to being frozen in place while the water sucks the life out of you. Know you have trudged forward before, and you can do it again. We believe in you!
I will focus on this. When we willingly give up options and opportunities in order to do what they say is best for everyone, we give them a LOT of power. I did this during my marriage to Cheater and when they make decisions only to help themselves knowing it will hurt you, it is a HUGE betrayal. This so often happens when we leave jobs/homes/support systems for their careers. I did this many times because he was in the military, but when he retired (during the most selfish stage he ever went through) I eventually refused to move for him.
I encourage all of us to not minimize the betrayal that is clear when they pretend to be taking our best interest in mind but are actually being very selfish.
Every once in a while – during his relationship with Schmoopie – he had moments when he spoke the awful truth and he admitted trying to get me to move to get everyone in the same city and simplify his cheating. He also admitted that when he chose his first post-military job, he did so completely ignoring the needs of me and the kids. How bazaar it was to hear him say that.
I didnt divorce him when I had the chance, I hoped, prayed, delayed and allowed him to keep the appearance of an intact family when he moved 3000 miles away (likely playing house with Schmoopie). I sentenced myself to 7 more years of wallowing in his abuse and indecision until the situation solved itself and he died.
I wish I had been stronger and allowed myself to get good and mad about his actions rather than endlessly hoping it would get better. It is ironic that I was just beginning to get myself together before he died. I had saved money, kept my job and looked at apartments.
This is so hard, we often spin trying to solve the wrong problems..the biggest problem is them.
Exactly. Itโs either intentional, or even worse, simple indifference. They move for their own whims, and expect to bring you along like a kitchen appliance to continue to serve your purpose with them in a new local. It doesnโt occur to them to think of the blenderโs family, needs or happiness. It just by default comes with them.
To quote Terry Pratchett, evil is when someone treats people like things.
I gave my catโs welfare far more thought during moves then many FWโs give to their partners in these scenarios.
Even in my last breakup, when I knew things were still not working out, I was clear about that with my Ex. I got a new job and moved back home, and I explicitly said that if we wanted to continue to work on things it would have to be from a distance because I did not want them to move with me and be dependent on me, away from their family, friends and community. We were in Wreckoncilkiation after I had found texts on his phone and ultimately I ended it, but even then I still intentionally did not want to displace him into an even worse situation.
Just want to second the idea of texting friends about what’s happening. If family won’t help–and shame on them–maybe friends will.
And remember that he sucks, and his cheating (and all around shitty behavior) is not your fault. And please take to heart that he doesn’t get to be the arbiter of your worth.
Good luck to you!
Iโm so sorry for the experience that youโre going through. Itโs terrible unfair and you do not deserve it.
All that pain, fogginess, fear, questioning if heโs better now, and all those other emotions and things youโre going through are absolutely normal. They suck, but most every chump can attest that we all feel most all of those things.
Please hear this, no matter how confused or dead inside you feel you can find the strength to get through this.
Like chump lady Iโm not a therapist either, but here are the things that helped me in a situation much like yours. Definitely do everything chump lady suggested.
– mindfulness- when you feel the pressure or triggers coming on try mindfulness and in short, itโs just take a moment close your eyes and just concentrate on the environment thatโs around you the cool air the smell the touch of furniture that is helped me immensely through triggers
– Journal everything. Your reality and your mind will be used against you and itโs easy right now as youโre in that fog TRADE shut down what has happened what is said in a private location as much as you can doing that saved my sanity.
– The lawyer is tough but push yourself to follow through with that and get that moving.
– Set strict boundaries undaries about your personal space your emotions and everything else to protect yourself. I found that boundaries were very clarifying and helped expelled the Hopium if it presented itself.
– Take walks and exercise. Those help get out all the crappy chemicals from your system.
– Have faith in yourself I know itโs hard, but youโve already done heroic things by contacting the lawyer separation, celebrate those wins.
– Post event on the chump lady forums youโre not alone in this and you have a whole group of people rooting for your safety and happiness.
Iโm sorry again you have to go through this the pain that youโre feeling confusion. Know that you have a bunch of people in your corner ready to help you find yourself.
MM – You demonstrated strength and skill in all you did to move your household. Now it’s time to act in your own behalf.
You may want to share a bit more info on your current country of residence. Chumps might have resources to share.
Are all the children in school? Can you use that time to care for yourself and get your ducks in a row? Do not share your plans with your husband.
Everyday is filled with choices and opportunities to move forward. Your lawyer should be YOUR guide for legal matters. Your doctor (or the pediatrician) can help with therapy and medication evaluation, if needed.
Online resources include meditation (Tara Brach’s RAIN), exercise, career, housing, volunteer opportunities.
If available to you, I recommend the 2015 movie “Learning to Drive” What you are feeling is a normal reaction and will lessen with action. Promise.
Dear Moomin:
I am sorry this is happening to you. I am divorcing my narcissist husband in my home country with no minor children, and there are many days I feel completely overwhelmed, and stressed to the point my brain is mush. I can’t even imagine your much more vulnerable situation.
BTW, don’t be too sure your husband is not a narcissist. He was already embroiled in his affair when he had you quit your job, pack everything up, rehome beloved pets and leave everything you knew and loved behind, including a support system for a special needs child to a situation where you are completely dependent on him. Would you have done that if you knew he was in the middle of an affair and your marriage was in deep trouble? To me his behavior sounds directly out of the NPD playbook.
Everything CL said. Would you be overwhelmed calling your old boss and seeing if you could be rehired? If yes, then you have a financial anchor for your return. Go home for a summer ‘visit’ with your kids..and stay. That would be my advice. Actually that would be my advice even if your old job is not available. How can you heal in a foreign land where you don’t know or have anyone you can rely on, except a dishonest husband who blew up your life?
I hope everything works out for you, Moomin. I’m rooting for you and your children.
Here’s the thing about interstate or intercontinental legal family law. It’s all a bunch of unenforceable gobildigook that th lawyers may use more as marketing ploy than have actual actual knowledge and experience with (mine was a top ranked award winning dual state attorney who misfiled EVERYTHING, I really think those best ranked lawyers of the year awards are more about schmoozing in a pay to purchase the award type system than actual skills) let alone the state/ country (prominently a bureaucratically bloated, inefficient, patriarchal hellscape that will ignore most if not all evidence and cherry pick the laws based on the judges mood for the day).
Getting something in writing from him acknowledging the return home may be beneficial but in my experience it doesn’t matter. He may fight you mercilessly via legal channels for years paid for by his family or newest schmoopie, but he would be physically away from you and your kids if your immediate safety is an issue or he could retaliate in kind during a visit with the kids or he could just ghost.
Only you can weigh your options, Moomin.
I completely get the fear and inertia from making so many accommodations for him and then ending up in a place you never wanted to be. And seven months sober really isn’t long. There are a whole host of patterns and attitudes associated with addiction that take potentially a few years to really overturn.
My ex retired and made s*x his hobby, which included wanting an open marriage. I said no, and there was a huge amount of conflict as he wanted what he wanted on every front, and that was that. He left on vacation alone “to think,” and we separated again (#2 that year). He was a long-term pill addict, supposedly sober then, but he hadn’t worked through that issue and what it had done to our family for over a decade. He also had diagnosed mental health issues. He went many states away.
Then he wanted us to join him. He rented a family house in a gated community near the beach and furnished it. The kids were in local college programs, and all my connections were local. He insisted that we sell the house here, and I agreed, expecting a long, expensive divorce. So we moved out to a rental, leaving only his stuff and things to discuss. I found out when he came that he thought that selling the house would force us to be with him. You see, his older sibling was 100% sure that all we needed was a fresh start in a new place and told me the kids would follow if I went. They would quit college and all their commitments because they loved their dad. Yes, the dad who had blown up their childhood with addiction and mental health issues. Mmm…
But my husband would be there. That was the problem. And he had made no effort to deal with his issues. There were signs of infidelity before and after he left. He still had all the addict attitudes. So I’d just be back in the middle of it all. While we were getting the house ready, he showed me texts from his family saying that they were praying that “she will come to her senses.” He even lined up a family-sized moving van.
I was firm. We weren’t coming, and after the house settled, emailed him that I was completely taking reconcilation off the table. We divorced in a wild mess that just confirmed many times over that following him would have been a complete disaster.
But the aftermath of the firestorm was calm. The kids are grown and are acing life. I love my work, my dog, my friends, and my house. I just went to a work-related event out of state and spent a week catching up with work friends and sightseeing. My youngest watched the dog at my house and then had lunch and flowers ready when I returned. I’ll be out with friends 3-4 times this week and have some house projects in between.
Well worth all the agony to get to the other side!
I would bet money that the OP’s FW isn’t actually sober.
I’ll join you on that one. My ex quit seven times and went back six times. Maybe he stayed sober, but maybe not. Given the history, unlikely. Not my committee, though!
Dear Moomin:
I just posted a response but felt so uneasy that I am replying again. I’ve read your post a couple of times and I feel you may be in jeopardy from your husband harming you physically. I am so sorry that my saying that may add stress when you are already in such a stressed and overwhelmed state, and I may sound cuckoo, but I am worried that is the situation you are in.
You wrote that once you arrived in the new country he started treating you poorly, devaluing you, and trying to pressure you into an open relationship. Do you see how calculated and predatory that is? It is kind of like disarming citizens…why is that done, historically? Why, in order to do things to people that they would never allow had they the means to resist. You husband lured you into a sitaution where you are alone and vulnerable, and I am getting the danger vibe from his behavior.
I’m not a therapist, or a lawyer (thank God) just a chump who survived (so far) a relationship in which my life was threatened. I didn’t see it in my relationship until very late in the game, because after a lot of abuse my brain wasn’t functioning properly. For way, way too long I believed my husband’s mask and could not see the new reality. Even when my life depended on seeing it.
Please be careful, Moomin.
Like another commenter said, FW knew (and watch Dr. Ramani videos he’s likely a covert narcissist) exactly how isolated you would be in the new country and this is in fact, exactly where he wants you: isolated, scared, dependent. Abusers love this power imbalance.
DDay #1 happened a very long time ago when I was a lovely young professional. I too left behind everything I knew to join FW who took a job in a faraway state.
Once he had me properly isolated and depressed, FW proceeded to drop DDay #1 bomb on me. I stayed and wasted another 3 decades of my life with a monster.
IME A psychology degree rarely means any meaningful understanding of personality disorders, most schools aren’t teaching that in depth because it’s not treatable.
Covert narcissists are excellent at showing just a bit of remorse or guilt to sucker you back in. For example, I just learned of another 100 grand FW stole during our marriage and several huge lies, while FW was acting remorseful last week and gave me extra $50. Life is not always easy as a single mom and I have a disabled child, but it is much more peaceful.
Take one small step at a time. Do at least one thing each day towards the goal of escaping. Could you pretend a family member is gravely ill and go back home with the kids for a ‘visit’ so you can plan your exit like approaching your old employer?
A friend from India has her own job and lives with her kids, effectively divorced, while her no good husband is always working many states away. It’s her way of effectively divorcing him while avoiding the social shunning of that culture towards divorceรฉs. It’s less than ideal but a possible compromise if you are in a similar bind.
A journey of 1000 miles does in fact begin with a single step!
As far as your mental state, I went through a lot of the same pre filing and before the divorce was final. I was an absolute mess emotionally and felt worthless and stupid and unlovable even though I knew the divorce needed to happen. I went through lots of therapy including outpatient intensive treatment, I was on anti anxiety and sleep meds and went to as many 12 step meetings as I could squeeze in just to try and function day to day. I was working but almost useless there too.
All of that helped me get through the constant rumination and self hatred.
I think quite a few of us chumps went through similar experiences.
I agree with all the posts here and would also add, if it’s available in your country, give Al-anon a try. It is a support group (in person and online) for anyone whose life is affected by someone else’s drinking. It’s free and available in conjunction with all the other great comments on this post. Good luck to you; you can do this!
Or Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families.
Not going to lie, it was weird to have a 12-step program for something as vague as emotional sobriety. In contrast, the traditional 12 steps involving substance abuse or substance abusers made more sense during that period of my life and did create a foundation to build upon.
I found Al-Anon was more about staying with the person with an addiction.
In contrast, ACA was more about getting into the nitty-gritty of your upbringing to recognize the patterns that leave you enmeshed, so you could decide to leave with a clear conscience.
Great suggestion for Al-Anon! Yes! The addicted partner part needs support too.
Moomin, you’ve got this. You don’t feel like you do, but you’ve got this. Hell, I’m jealous of the degrees and experience you have! When I left I had literally nothing. No college education of any kind and twenty plus years of being a SAHM with zero skills in the workforce. I’m now over 50, working part-time at a grocery store in an attempt to work my way up. It’s hard, but I’m doing it. And, like you, I really didn’t think I could.
I was so scared in the beginning. Terrified actually. I worked with a therapist for as long as I could afford it. I journaled. And I took it one day at a time. One hour at a time on some days. One minute at a time on others.
Time. It just takes time. Give yourself grace for not acting immediately. Give yourself space to heal. I’m five years out from leaving and am still struggling, but there is never a day that goes by that I wish I had stayed. Not once. You will get there too.
The first steps are the hardest. It does get easier, even when it’s hard. You can do it. You already know it’s the right thing to do. We’re here for you.
I am so sorry youโre going through this.
He does not have your best interests in mind. He does not have your kids best interests in mind. How do I know this? His actions. Not his words. His actions. Please protect yourself, donโt trust him. It will probably take some time to reprogram yourself but keep reading here. Get to the point of not relying on him. It sounds like heโs not helping so much as making sure you donโt forget about him, and you donโt move forward.
It took me 6 months to wrap my mind around who my ex really was, instead of who Iโd always believed he was. Lots of days in fog, being there for the kids and then collapsing into a heap of tears. Exercise is helpful if you can do it – mine was more like cry sprinting than any sort of sane person running, but it really helped.
It takes some time to reprogram yourself. Small steps. Weโre here to support you. You can do this!! Itโs better on the other side!!
Moomin Mama,
I know the feeling of being frozen in isolation and shamed by two-faced family members for standing up for yourself and wanting to go no contact with your substance-abusing abusers (mainly because they also struggle with substance abuse or the situation hits too close to home for any other reason).
Giving up your career over a mans reaction to a DDay (my husband may be a fellow chump but the entire reason we moved hundreds of miles away was also because he got caught talking to and taking far too much interest in a pregnant barfly fling from before we met after he moved in and m we got engaged, he also swore up and down nothing happened and that he he just was interested in how her life turned out after not seeing her for years, that night lives in perpetuity in my mind as when I should have called off the wedding and kicked him out because he also refused to leave my home and kept me up all hours of the night and turned the entire thing into an immediate decision, there was also a history of him threatening gun violence via text message if I talked to an old platonic male friend of mine) I know the trapped feeling really well. It was really depressing I sold my vehicle so he could finance hisown brand new truck and even his parents and my inlaws stepped in because of how heavily isolated I was. We’d fight about it for years about the one sidedness of the sacrifices on my end until I reread LACGAL recently and finally used the right words to describe his actions as coercive control and cheating. Shortly after I found out my husband was on dating apps and AI chat after getting the suspicious feelings about how he was spending his time on his phone and my husband also swore up and down that they were old accounts he forgot to delete and he would do anything to make it up to me and I just remember the mistakes I made with ExFW but now I have no real support network for the most part. I told him I want a generous post nup he agreed and he needs help in dealing with whatever it is and to make his own appointments (no follow through to date, I recognize the pattern of lip service and am just trying to get through it) my husband on paper he is a decent spouse, he is sober, he is a stable provider who actively participated in parenting who also works on the house and has been pushing to adopt my oldest child. But I the fact that I gave up everything for the man including cashing out my 401k to financ the move and selling my possessions, restricting my spiritual practices because he does not agree with them, giving up the career of my dreams and moved far from the support system I created before my legal stuff with ExFW were resolved still doesn’t sit well with me. It’s a weird place to be in for sure because had I not left I never would have seen how shitty my FOO and and extended family treated me and I would very likely my oldest child and I would be absolutely be dead from DV from ExFW (he showed up at my home after ROs were filed and stared at eldest and I through our bedroom windows at night leaving footprints in the snow and living in our shed in the backyard after try to break in) I get your confusion about having a spouse do the right things and appear remorseful and weighing the safety and logistics to leaving with also being the one to give more and more of yourself until there is nothing left to give.
I agree with CL about finding out of there a local resources for your neurodivergent child, I didn’t know about half of mine until after the fact. I too have several children now with my husband one with physical special needs combined with neuro-divergence. It’s rough. For several years it was constant PT/ OT and other specialist appointments and playing catch up with the school and I did it all on my own with a newborn after a car accident and caring for my other children on top of just having to withdrawal from the ongoing legal battle to recuperate. I know I was in a freeze but all I could think of was doing the next right thing. I essentially cut off all of my surviving FOO and extended family just to get threw it which pisses them off to no end a lot of guilt trips followed. It’s a weird place to be not having a support network because they arent good people while being solely reliant on the person who you don’t trust.
I’ve lost all my savings Attorney 1 who had a massive conflict of interest with ExFW in his law firm. Subsequent dual-state Attorney 2 husband and I took out a massive second mortgage for in a panic when I discovered the conflict of interest,( she burned through her employers and paralegals, overbilled and misfiled every document sent out in both states, then had the nerve to blame me for questioning her about it) This may be projection but maybe in your gut, your freeze is a functional one about not trusting the attorneys you originally met with?
I agree with CL one small step at a time including getting back into the workforce. Your education and certifications have massive value, even if you don’t see it right now. If anything it gives you the distraction from your stressful home life and a way to save money while you get your ducks in a row in your own time. Going back to school or volunteering just to build connections, getting involved in your kids schools or extracurriculars locally is an option if you can’t move back home. It’s what I’m doing right now…Right down to the shoveling sh*t in stables… I don’t want to be fully reliant on my husband even if he appears to be a changed man, I also don’t want to blow up my home life in the middle of ongoing litigation abuse from ExFW. So this is my small step in any direction.
I have had imposter syndrome for most of my adult life. Klootzak made it much much worse. I was valedictorian in high school. graduated high school with honor, but found law school to be a humbling experience. I graduated in the middle of my class and have felt inferior ever since. I met klootzak 2 years later and he only provided occasional encouragement if he thought I could get a promotion and being in more money, whether I actually wanted a different position or not.
Filing for divorce put me in the position of needing to be mighty for me and my child. These are hard things which must be done in your familyโs interests. This is not the time to feel paralyzed. Put one foot in front of the other. I learned that each step I took gave me greater strength. The momentum builds. The confidence builds. You feel sad that you lost 5 years? Think how sad you will be losing MORE time right NOW. You have a chance to turn the tide.
I remember once hearing a story about a girl standing by the edge of the pool. She knew how to swim but was scared to cannonball in or go off a diving board. And an old woman yells at her, โSo what if you are scared? DO IT ANYWAY.โ And that is my advice. Donโt be locked in fear. This will be hard but rewarding.
I have now been divorced 5 months. Klootzak hasnโt been paying support. I am pushing the state to have his passport revoked, lawyering up to haul him back to court on a show cause, and yesterday an old colleague called me about a position I am wanted for which would increase my pay by 30%. I have been networking, spreading the word, and open to learning to make a career transition. WE CAN DO DIFFICULT THINGS. And when we do the world opens up.
We all feel your pain and confusion! After 3 years I am still not fully unfrozen and still not fully divorced.
One thing that helped me was contacting Diane Strickland.
She was on the podcast in October 2023 โDiane Strickland trained as a Certified Community and Workplace Traumatologist, Compassion Fatigue Specialist, and Critical Incident Responder, and is also an ordained clergyperson
๏ปฟ โDiane started her website โYour Story is Safe Hereโ to serve wives and partners traumatized by menโ
https://www.yourstoryissafehere.com/
Sheโs Canadian and very kind. And since I spoke to her via FaceTime, I had a kind face helping me.
I send love and support!
๐๐๐
Not sure, but this may be spam.
Donโt worry, ChumpLady or her moderator vetted the comment and the website link. You are fortunate that your anger has motivated you to take action. Some people freeze. Good for you for modeling being mighty for your children!
Get MAD at the sh*tty way he’s treated you! And use that anger to get moving! If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for your kids.
Do you want to model to them that it’s acceptable for their spouse to cheat on them? They may not know now, but someday, they will.
There’s been times in my life where the only way I got through it was because I was so damn mad at somebody. Maybe not the healthiest thing, but it got me through.
And don’t believe he’s changed. He probably has at least one side piece right now. As Chump Lady says, trust that they suck!
Three things:
Filing for a divorce without a traditional job ( I mean housewife IS a job) will put you in a better position for support than with a job or in school. I have a friend for years, her husband has implored her to get a real estate career. On the advice of his attorney. Once you get a divorce settlement as SAHM, you can seek out what you can do to support yourself and children better going forward.
Believe this or not, someday you will look back and be grateful that you lived through this. You succeeded as the strong, educated and nurturing person you were and soon will be again.
Yes, this is a known tactic by crappy FW men who have been secretly plotting a divorce for years, usually while actively cheating on their stay at home spouse.
Moomin mama you might be better off not formally employed during the divorce.
Spend the energy on yourself. Your mind is in a blender because you’re unable to go NC with your abuser. Work on minimizing contact first.
Dear MM- it seems you have set your own trap, you had the power to move to another COUNTRY with a known abuser. Already you knew. This man is a full on user!! How do I know? My abuser moved me to a different state and left me friendless and totally isolated to have his affair. And pregnant. What did I do? I got so angry!! Got a lawyer then stopped the process because he was going to reform and he loved me!! He was and still is a user liar. Restarted my divorce, divorced , moved to a neighbor state where I knew no one but had found a job with day care. I worked evenings and day care kept kids until 11pm. I was so blessed. Doors open up as you make power decisions. One step at a time.
You are hitting the bottom. You see seriously depressed, you need expert help but MOST OF ALL most of all you need to get angry at this user abuser. He is not changing, he is incapable of change. You have strapped yourself to a dying man and he would love to see you die by his side. He has been able to snuff out your light. DONT LET HIM, your children need you!!!! Stop and think.of your worth!!! You don’t need your worthless family, you need YOU BACK. I am 39 years post divorce from that #1 cheater is still a liar
Hi Mommin mama! I send you lots of strength, you will make it.
I recognize my feelings from 3 years ago in your letter. I had just quit my job to move to another country, and after dday I felt that any small action – opening my resume, clicking โapplyโ on LinkedIn, writing a sentence in a cover letter – was physically impossible. I could even feel my brain hurt.
I got a job, and at first concentrating was so difficult, but thatโs when I started the recovery :). Now Iโm striving at work. If I could make it, you can too.
Try visualizing yourself, how you would like to be in 5 years, and take baby steps. You will surprise yourself. Stay strong!
Oh man do I relate to the feeling of “this shouldn’t be happening to me… I was supposed to be educated about this stuff… but it’s still happening to me” because I was a nonclinical advocate for battered women for five years.
It’s almost more paralyzingly humiliating to feel like you’re supposed to be “too smart/strong” for such a thing to happen. But the disconnect I experienced doesn’t even come close the disconnect that Dr. Christine Cocchiola (CL interviewed her on the Tell Me How You’re Mighty podcast) went through: Despite being a literal professor in psychology and an expert in victimology, Dr. Christine still became entrapped in a coercively controlling marriage and she describes it as having been absolute gory hell to get out (you can see an interview on Dr. Ramani’s Youtube channel with Dr. Cocchiola discussing this).
If you’re starting to sense a pattern here– one in which very smart, fabulous, independent, even experienced people end up getting imprisoned in abuse– it’s because the old view that this only happens to individuals with preexisting mental issues or self esteem problems has been debunked to smithereens. To quote another coercive control expert Dr. Emma Katz when she was interviewed by CL on the TMHYM podcast, the idea that victims draw abuse to themselves on Voodoo tractor beams is “rubbish.”
Instead it really boils down to the fact that abusers are that good at entrapping their prey. Some are so good that they don’t even have to take their hands out of their pockets to reduce their intimate partners to puddles through a process of frog-boiling attacks against security and self esteem. Apparently even the dumb ones still have uncanny instincts and generationally acquired ‘wisdom” (ugh) on how to completely emotionally paralyze and hamstring their intimate partners in order to take total control (to satisfy some masked, weird terror of abandonment due to never truly being loved as kids which makes them view emotional dependency and intimacy as a mortal threat that breeds irrational rage and hatred poor dears, bye). At least that’s the new perspective in social science– studying abuser tactics and their effects on normal people– rather than focusing on “what’s wrong” with victims that they LeT tHeMsElVes gEt aBuSeD (rubbish).
This new thinking isn’t just theoretical anymore but is part of the force behind coercive control legislation that’s spreading from country to country around the world and from state to state in the US. So far only the UK and Scotland have criminalized it (theoretically, people can go to jail for sub-violent emotional abuse and control in those regions). But even having civil statutes that affect things like orders of protection and custody have the potential to empower survivors or, to quote my attorney, be “game-changers.” If an order of protection just gives a victim a bit of a break from the usual “terror reboots” and deliberate “dysregulation” programs that abusers typically subject victims to, victims might start to get enough mental space to gain back their perspective and think and plan and (the mother of all thinking and planning) SLEEP.
But even if the regions you live in (abroad or in the country you’re in right now) don’t have coercive control legislation on the books yet, it can still be restorative to learn about it. I recommend reading and absorbing EVERYTHING you can on coercive control starting with the above podcasts so you can get a broader view of the island you’re trying to escape. Many people here can tell you that cheating involves coercive control without exception. This fits with what I learned as an advocate, which is that virtually all abusers cheat and all cheaters abuse.
Knowing just that basic fact and knowing that smart people– even. say, global experts– know this and are on your side can help to erode the fog and recover your perspective enough to see a way out. I’m kind of into movie metaphors but if you’ve ever seen the classic old film Papillon with Steve McQueen, it isn’t until the protagonist stands on the cliffs studying ocean currents that he figures out a way to escape penitentiary Devil’s Island. All his other plans failed but finally getting the birds eye view and intuiting natural patterns gives him the edge he needs.
I think the same thing applies to escaping abuse. You need the bird’s eye view. These women (CL and Sarah and the rest) are amazing in that sense and, to mix another metaphor, it’s like getting a blood transfusion when you just lost your arm in a wood chipper which, from the sound of it, is you at this very moment.
You are bleeding out because the person you trusted most quite deliberately and intentionally shoved you into a wood chipper. Don’t kid yourself that the affair wasn’t laced with sadism and the thrill of dominating you through betrayal as much as he pretends that the damage was unintentional. It might have been so-called “unconscious” (every abusers alibi) but abusers mean everything they do on some level because they’re sick twists (poor dears, bye).
We’re all pulling for you and understand the struggle. The usual statistics for battered women likely apply to victims of coercive control as well, which is that it can take up to seven tries to successfully escape. You’re thinking about it and reaching out here which isn’t nothing and suggests you’ve advanced on the game board more than you think. It might not feel like progress (nothing feels like progress when you’re bleeding out, frankly) but it actually is.
Oh, and pro tip: Do not, under any circumstances, listen to what my lit professor called “doormat format” ballads or drippy love songs about loss and suffering. Only listen to FU anthems, the funnier or angrier the better.