Isolated, Stuck and Need to Leave Him

She needs to leave him, but she’s stuck in a foreign country for his job, and gave up her job. How can she begin again?

***

Dear Chump Lady

My D-day came on 26 January 2026. Until then through the 25 years, married 18 years, relationship with my husband I was fully consuming the hopium. 

I know grief is not linear and I go through periods of feeling happy and free after separation. 

However I recently watched a TV series in which one of the leading characters put her divorce file in the freezer instead of dealing with it, after her husband’s affair. 

That is me. I have communications sitting in my inbox from my lawyer, for weeks on end and I can’t get myself to deal with it.

I am 100% convinced that the divorce is the right outcome for me. Yet I am paralyzed by fear and grief.

I was in a lonely, unsupported marriage. I don’t know when it happened. But gradually my husband’s life became consumed by alchohol and negativity.

Throughout the years I watched him destroy relationships with work colleagues and struggle with healthy friendships. I was a fool to think that he would never turn on me.

In July 2024 my husband went to another country because he had lost his job and there was a job shortage in our home country. We were sinking financially. 

I finished the year working, looking after our 3 children. Including one challenging neurodivergent child. 

In January 2025 I packed up my life, sold our home, said goodbye to all my friends and work colleagues, rehomed 2 of my pets and moved to the new country to be with my husband. 

As soon as I arrived, he started treating me badly.

Devaluing me and trying to pressure me into an open marriage because he no longer felt any “passion” for me. I can write a whole essay on everything he did and said. 

Yet it took me a whole year to realize his behaviour escalated so drastically due to another woman. The affair already started 6 months before I packed up my life in my home country. 

I grieve the confident person I was in my previous job. I was good at it. And I have 3 degrees and several certificates to my name. Yet now, when I read job ads I am convinced that I won’t be able to cope with the job. I can’t even get myself to finish reading the job ads. 

My brain has been traumatized. I struggle to concentrate.

I can’t even read a book. When I try to watch something, I need to rewind the TV several times. I sometimes find myself standing in the middle of a room or grocery shop, not remembering why I came there in the first place. 

It feels like someone has put my brain in a food blender, turned it on, and then stuffed the mushy bits back into my head. 

I grieve losing my home, my friends and my home country. I grieve the lost years of my life. Five years ago, I was contemplating divorce before his affair happened, why did I not listen to my inner alarm bells? 

I feel so incredibly lonely.

And that is when the negative inner voice says you are not good enough, you are not lovable. 

I have been unable to do the no contact thing. We share 3 kids together and I am struggling with extreme exhaustion. I did not realize how much his alchohol addiction and related behaviours drained me until it was too late. I have emotional burnout. 

He comes over every day to help with chores, food and our neurodivergent child.

I have no support in the new country and I am fully financially reliant on my husband for the last 18 months. I know the person who broke you can’t put you back together. But at the moment he is all I have. 

My family has declined to come over and assist me. They feel divorce does a lot of damage to kids and I must just suck it up and get over the infidelity. 

My husband, 7 months sober, now feels extremely bad and ashamed about how he treated me. He is not a narcissist and realizes the damage he has done, to some extent. But my fear is that this is a temporary shift in perspective. And things will change quickly when a new schmoopie arrives on the scene. 

I am thinking about doing a masters degree in teaching and reskilling myself as a teacher. But I doubt the choice of becoming a teacher, if i even will be accepted into the course, my ability to study, my ability to cope with managing a classroom and ad value to society. 

For me the path to no contact will be build slower and over time. I need to find my independence first and get back on my feet.

My question for you is: How do I find me again?

How do I push through the fear, grief and burnout that is stopping me from working on my future and pushing through with the divorce? I only have between now and new schmoopie to get my act together. 

Kind regards 

Moomin Mamma 

PS. The Chump community has been my lifeline. I read your posts everyday and fuel myself with anger for the unjust actions happening to other chumps. 

Cheating and substance use is abuse because it creates trauma. My degrees are in Psychology and no amount of studying could have prepared me for what I went through. 

***

Dear Moomin Mamma,

Find a trauma specialist, stat. Your D-Day was recent and monumental. You gave up your WHOLE LIFE for your husband — and the entire time you were making those enormous sacrifices (plural) — he was cheating on you.

You would NEVER have isolated and impoverished yourself if you knew. Of course he feels unsafe.

HE IS UNSAFE.

I don’t care if he’s sober for 7 months. (Oh really, since your D-Day? WTF?) I don’t care that does “chores.” (They’re HIS children too, asswipe.) And your family can f**k all the way off with their divorce shame. You can never feel safe with this man again knowing he is capable of this.

I am 100% convinced that the divorce is the right outcome for me.

Yes. So honor yourself. Give yourself some credit. You called a lawyer, even if those papers are in your metaphorical freezer. You got separated. Those are big lifts. You can do hard things.

But the trauma is messing with your head. Because of course it is. So get some help for this, immediately! I’m not a professional shrink, I’m a lady with a blog. But other chumps go on antidepressants, sleep aids, or try EMDR. Anything to stop the self-sabotage of defeatist thinking and paralysis.

And that is when the negative inner voice says you are not good enough, you are not lovable. 

You are good enough.

And one drunk FW’s opinion says NOTHING about your lovability.

But you’ve been beaten down by constant devaluing and this staggering betrayal. Look, even if he wasn’t a complete waste of carbon, moving to another country and leaving your job and friends would be huge stressors. It’s one thing to WANT to move, to have an adventure, to take a risk — it’s quite another to have it forced upon you by circumstance. This is a double whammy — infidelity and isolation.

Of course, isolating their victims is what abusers do.

My husband, 7 months sober, now feels extremely bad and ashamed about how he treated me. He is not a narcissist and realizes the damage he has done, to some extent.

His “feeling bad” and “ashamed” IS ABOUT HIM. Tell me again how he’s not a narcissist. But whatever. He’s a FW. The thing about addicts is — whether it’s a bottle or a Schmoopie or both — they aren’t available for relationships. They’re escapists. Bottles have no needs. Schmoopies are disposable.

You’re disposable.

Except that you perform essential wife appliance duties.

But my fear is that this is a temporary shift in perspective. And things will change quickly when a new schmoopie arrives on the scene. 

It’s a strategic shift in perspective. You lawyered up. Of course he’s trying to get sober and sorry. Looks better to a judge. Perhaps you won’t make demands. You’re already complying by not opening your emails from your legal counsel.

Forgive my cynicism, I just read a bazillion of these stories for a living.

Anyway, let’s get to the heart of what you asked:

How do you get yourself back?

By ACTIONS.

Small actions, big actions, bold actions, quiet actions, wobbly actions, unsure actions, defiant actions. Do, DO, DO THINGS.

Every actions will change your mood. You’ll get a little bit of yourself back. I’m sure CN will have suggestions, and in fact, someone out there has probably navigated themselves out of a similar nightmare.

You call a trauma special. Maybe, you contact your old employer about getting your job back or current openings? You talk to your lawyer (the one you’ve been avoiding) about custody and moving the kids back to where you have support. Document his instability. (Get it in writing from him that he cheated on you.) Demonstrate your stability.

If moving is not feasible, look at jobs where you are.

And I have 3 degrees and several certificates to my name. Yet now, when I read job ads I am convinced that I won’t be able to cope with the job. I can’t even get myself to finish reading the job ads.

You’re a woman with three degrees. Bitch slap yourself. If you can cope with YEARS of a FW, you can totally cope with a job on your own. Darling, a job on your own minus a FW would be so much more sane. I’d rather shovel sh*t in Satan’s stables than live with a FW. Consider how freeing employment would feel.

Instead of seeing a job as One More Thing, see it as your ticket OUT.

I am thinking about doing a masters degree in teaching and reskilling myself as a teacher. But I doubt the choice of becoming a teacher, if i even will be accepted into the course, my ability to study, my ability to cope with managing a classroom and ad value to society. 

You have three degrees. I’m certain you know how to study. To me this option feels like kicking the can. I smell hopium. You may be thinking you can stall for time while you complete a degree. No, get financial independence from this FW, but divorce NOW while you’re financially vulnerable. Get the best goddamn settlement you can get.

Moomin Mama, you can do this. Soon you’ll be back on this blog telling other chumps how you did it, encouraging the newbies. I see your future, and he’s not in it.