Do I Break No Contact to Address Financial Fraud?
She just learned he forged her name on a mortgage, does she break no contact to go after him for financial fraud? Is the blowback worth it?
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Dear Chump Lady,
How do I weigh the pros and cons of further entanglement with FW?
I was together nearly 30 years with a covert narcissistic sociopath.
For the record, I am near 100% no contact with this narcopath. And only because we share minor children including a disabled one. Our divorce went quick because of domestic violence. In therapy I realized during faux reconciliation that at some point FW was considering a fatal accident for me. He had very likely stolen over one million over the course of his long secret double life, but I couldn’t afford a forensic accountant to fully pursue it since they seemed only interested in fleecing a desperate woman.
FW was involved with many escorts and stole marital assets for criminal defense lawyers to deal with extortion by his playmates. Plus possibly child p**n. I don’t know for sure unless I review a hard drive, which makes me nauseous. FW lied during mediation, which the divorce lawyers were too lazy to care about. Mine didn’t advocate for him to provide for our disabled child, which was a huge error since FW was a highly paid executive. This is my Achilles heel and a source of my financial worry, being on the hook forever for said child when I am middle class at best.
Now FW lost his job and ratcheted up the self pity.
I learned FW also committed additional financial fraud in forging my name on his mortgage and bank documents, likely prosecutable at the Federal level due to the amount. FW narcopath later refinanced the loan to his name only so as far as I know, I don’t owe money. Whew.
He pays his child support on time. Whines to the children and me and is a horrible negligent father who barely sees them. Fortunately I work and am able to just barely keep the lights on and food on the table. Stock market gains means there is a healthy emergency cushion. I’m in a loving peaceful relationship with a fellow chump. I have purged my circle of flying monkeys and Switzerland friends and have a good social life.
In other words, I have achieved a relatively peaceful existence post-FW and am firmly on the Road to Meh.
My dilemma is what to do?
FBI asks if I want to set up a meeting and open a criminal case? Lawyers say let’s talk at $500/hour. Some friends say leave FW alone as long as he’s paying CS and pray he gets another job, others want me to go full scorched earth legally, but I know that is expensive and stressful. Therapist listens but does not know what to recommend.
Looking for advice from Chump Nation!
Archer
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Dear Archer,
Let’s break this problem down. You’ve got several competing interests here. They are:
- Maintaining your peace and sanity.
- Filing possible charges of financial fraud.
- Not rocking the boat to ensure further child support.
- Revisiting child support to cover a disabled child.
Yes, any further contact with a FW is going to disrupt your life. However a FW may disrupt your life anyway.
This is my unpleasant way of telling you, we don’t control FWs. They tend to spew chaos wherever they go, and many of them thrill to antagonize you after the divorce. Because of the divorce. Because from their perspective, how dare you? You’ve ceased to be of use!
But your Social Security number is still handy.
So let’s focus on what you DO control and how you can protect yourself without him knowing.
Manage your identity theft risk.
This is a guy who feels quite entitled to whatever you have, even after he’s left you very little. So, first step, assess the damage and strengthen your shields. I’m sorry to give you homework during this very trying time, but you need to advocate for yourself and your kids here. You want to create a paper trail and lock down your financial identity before he f*cks anything else up for you.
Freeze your credit immediately.
In the U.S., contact all three credit bureaus: Experian Freeze Center, Equifax Credit Freeze, TransUnion Credit Freeze.
This stops him (or anyone else) from opening anything in your name without your authorization.
Pull your credit reports
You can get a free one from AnnualCreditReport.com. This will show you any weird addresses, or PO boxes, or loans you don’t know about.
Create an FTC identity theft report
File at: IdentityTheft.gov
This creates formal documentation and generates recovery steps/checklists.
Change passwords and secure accounts
You were married to him, so he probably knows your user names. It’s good practice anyway. Have two-factor id on EVERYTHING.
Document everything
Keep: timelines, screenshots, emails, account statements, copies of forged signatures, communications, case numbers.
In case you are forced into criminal court with this FW, come with receipts.
The next thing you need to consider is if you want to go on the offensive — file charges — or go on the defensive — be prepared if this all blows back on you, more than it already has. It’s hard to give you advice here, because I don’t know how bad the damage is until you’ve checked your credit reports.
He refinanced that loan and you’re off the hook there. Who knows what else he’s done, or will do? Locking down your ID and your credit as I outlined above can thwart him going forward, but I don’t know your exposure right now.
You need to separate the feelings of emotional justice (HE WILL PAY FOR WHAT HE’S DONE!) from financial protection. Put your energies into stopping further harm and insulating yourself legally.
You’re dealing with a dangerous person.
Mortgage fraud, forged signatures, hidden assets — goes beyond ordinary identity theft. It’s coercive financial abuse and even white-collar fraud. Given this guy has had a long double life and physically abused you, your hesitation to antagonize him with legal accountability is completely understandable.
As the trial lawyers say “Some money is too expensive.” You’re a cautionary tale of why you shouldn’t mediate a divorce with FWs. You got completely screwed on lifetime support for your disabled child. That said, FWs famously renege on court orders and legal agreements anyway. So even if you had it, perhaps you wouldn’t be able to collect it. Yes, the injustice of that makes my head want to explode. I wish we lived in a world where enforcing child support mattered.
I’m unclear if the FBI reached out to you, or you reached out to the FBI. Again, without more details I can’t offer any advice. But I think with people this crazy, their lives tend to implode without you. He already lost his job and you already jumped off his sinking ship.
Save your sanity. Protect yourself on the down low. And wait for him to go down. Just make sure that when he does, you’re not tied to him.
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This is a tough one.
Yes, shore up your own financial protections, 100%. And keep monitoring and maintaining. After freezing your credit, it may be that if he can’t take advantage of you that way, he will move on. These types are opportunity-seekers, and if you don’t provide opportunity, they may look elsewhere.
Personally, my sanity is gold. I chose not to pursue everything that came to light during my divorce. Part of that was finances, but I was also just so over him. My kids were older, so no custody issues. We configured the agreement so I could disengage as soon as the closeout was over. Naturally, he couldn’t let go, but I got to a better financial place and still chose to move on rather than to engage with him further legally. I could have afforded that, but chose not to. Yes, the lack of justice in these things sucks.
Every FW is different, but eventually my ex got into a long-term relationship, and last I heard, he is focusing all of his disordered thinking on her instead of me, although he remains very bitter towards me. It’s been a few years since the adult kids and I have heard from him directly, which is A-OK with us.
Yes. During the divorce he ignored me and the kids while he was busy with the other woman. She eventually dumped him so he turned his disordered focus back to us. He got into another relationship not long after the divorce and eventually married that woman. He’s ignored me and the kids for years now.
After my ex left and went off to the beach, there were a number of times where he disappeared and then came back full of anger toward me. Completely, a sign that he was “occupied” and then was not.
When he finally texted that he had “something to say,” I asked for a different night because I had to be at work at 6am the next day. He completely lost it. Clearly, he had something more important lined up. Eventually, we did talk, and he wanted a divorce. I agreed. The timing wasn’t good for me financially, but whatever. It had to be.
His relatives observed the ups and downs, but reportedly didn’t know why. Eventually, he showed up at a family wedding with his long-term lady, and then reportedly they connected the dots and were very upset. Well, not my committee. I’m just glad he leaves me alone.
Hi Archer:
I am sorry you are having to deal with this: your ex is a truly despicable person, as you already know. CLs advice sounds spot on in that you must prevent further financial damage and find out other areas in which you may have been financially compromised or at risk and unaware. This man seems capable of anything.
Please gird your loins and review the information you worry may contain child porn. It will take a lot of courage to do that, and I am pretty sure that even if it does not have child porn it will include other unpleasant and shocking information. I hope you reach out to your support group in advance, and have a plan for what you will do in terms of support for yourself should your fears be confirmed. Perhaps plan to do it right before a visit with your therapist and have an extra long session set up, and maybe even one before you do it so you can talk through your options and your responsibilities should you find it. And maybe grandma could keep the kids for a few days while you are dealing with this and any aftermath?
I just don’t want you sitting in front of a compuet, screaming in horror and no plan to deal with the horror.
You have to do this because your children may be at risk. If your husband is sexually aroused by children, you absolutely need to know in order to protect them. And worrying about what information is present without knowing for sure is its own kind of hell. And finally, if child porn is present, children were abused to make it and your husband is complicit and must face justice.
I am praying for you Archer, for courage and wisdom as you go through this terrible experience, and that your friends and family provide love and support.
Absolutely well said.
I have no supportive family nearby, and local friends have exhibited compassion fatigue.
Well that’s a life project for another day– surrounding yourself with a few more “ride or die” types who can handle the wattage of someone who, whether you ever planned this as a life aspiration or not, kind of has to be a justice warrior to survive emotionally and physically and protect your kids.
I find it easier to give my more “snowflake” social contacts (who get the Victorian vapors at the mere sight of social discord) a break because my kick ass street fighter friends are always up for a nice war-counsel and problem solving session (which, no matter how serious it is, always ends up with everyone laughing themselves sick because finding consensus is delightful even if what necessitates it sucks).
According to my beloved former trauma therapist, this kind of personality might have more to do with a type of intelligence than character because people who are problem solvers tend to have something called “systems intelligence”– some kind of specialized faculty that can include a highly attuned social radar, fascination with untangling social clusterf*cks and finding protective and constructive solutions.
For people like the latter, solving problems like this is almost fun or at least feels energizing. If they also have solid character, they can be vital allies. In any case, they exist and you could definitely use (and deserve) a few like that in your corner. You can sometimes find people like this in advocacy circles so if your region has any support groups for causes you believe in (like advocacy for coercive control victims, etc.), joining can be a way to fill out your life with some ride-or-die brethren.
I agree that the hard drive needs to be reviewed. However, if the FBI has reached out to Archer, then maybe she could hand it over to them for review? If I was worried about child prn, I would not keep it in my possession. And if they are investigating, the drive might have clues about further crimes that would be useful.
That’s what I would do. “Here’s the hard drive. Have at it.” If the FBI is investigating, that only involves you in terms of being a witness. No money involved, no haggling, no contact.
Yes! 100% She should not be in possession of (suspected CSAM – not p*rn) let alone view the drive. Giving it to the authorities is best.
100%. Archer, just tell the truth to the FBI as you have done in your letter. That you are not sure what is on the drive, but you fear it is kiddie corn and are too frightened to check it to make sure. My guess is that you will be taken far more seriously about that than about the other issues your FW has caused. As others have written you could be implicated, or perhaps your new partner will be targeted. What a nightmare.
I agree. She absolutely should not be in possession of it and should give it to the authorities ASAP. For all she knows the FW could try to claim she downloaded the child porn, if indeed there is any, so she has to beat him to the punch and make sure they know it was him.
Archer,
Im currently living a similar financial legal nightmare similar to yours. Key differences are FW used childs SSN to apply for government benefits including state health insurance instead of putting kid on his insurance like we agreed to years ago… My kid and I also had a DVC and CA restraining order against him when we escaped. We now and have live hundreds of miles out of state so it feels a little physically safer. I also worry about rocking the boat and holding FW accountable because that very likely means jail time which means no more child support when we are already stretched too thin. Its such an unfair and sucky situation to be in and I’m sorry you are in it.
ExFW also refused to answer questions about it or even follow child support order that my former attorney ( conflict of interest; his firm represent FW on a criminal case as well as had two legal assistants/ paralegals who were friends with EXFW and FWs Gf at the time, then the GF died and it became a bad time to enforce the order because how dare I?!?) a disgruntled bunnyboiler shortly found my confidential information and info dumped a lot of garbage from she was finding his most recent attorney to avoid child support to his financials unprompted she also let it slip she pretended to be me to get my kids social security number so ex could get kid on government assistance in a state we don’t live in.We’ve also been dealing with her stalking and harassing for the past 5+ years. I have to go back to court this week self represented because I can afford attorneys anymore.
I followed through with government agency after government agency, I locked up the kids and my SSN through all 3 bureaus, I got a dual state attorney who misfiled mountains of paperwork from subpoenas, to registration of debts to motions then dipped out right before a hearing to transfer jurisdiction because she didn’t like my tone when I noticed she put in the wrong information. Police reports, FTC reports everything. On and on and on.
Documenting only gets you so far. Filing reports only gets you so far. The bureaucratic slog of an inefficient system is demoralizing.Your incredibly lucky that you aren’t on the hook for the financial fraud.
Your lucky to have FBI contact you that means they want to do something about it. Your lucky the FBI has enough evidence to pursue it, idk how that would impact you if it’s a criminal case the prosecutors would be involved most wheel and deal with the defense outside as a victim I think your involvement in the proceedings although stressful would be extremely limited. With that said I have very little faith in the justice system doing anything meaningful about it.
Would it help anyone outside of yourself and your children if you moved forward and if so how much har would come to you and your loved ones of you pursue it?
A trusted friend’s family has FBI contacts who gave me some advice because I had yet another weird IT related incident, and can arrange a meeting with White collar crime unit.
“Weird IT related incident” — shudder. As in being hacked or cyber-stalked? If you do decide to cooperate with the FBI, I would recommend steering clear of taking advice from “compromise and settle” types of attorneys who are not familiar with things like high stakes financial crimes, stalking and domestic abuse because a more snowflake attorney could steer you wrong out of their own ignorance and timidity. You need pit bulls on your side because your ex is dangerous, but obviously pit bulls with enough professional integrity not to stir up more trouble just to bleed clients financially. You just need to figure out what the most protective measure is in case he’s a danger to you even if you do nothing at all.
Yes, and there was another one today. Something else a month ago. A tech savvy FW narcopath is another level of evil.
Divorce attorney was reportedly a pitbull but turned out to be a beeyotch who yelled at me and did a terrible job at the mediation because I didn’t want an expensive trial. She practically salivated openly about the assets at play, licking her lips.
I’ve tried to keep NC and play dumb at some of his post divorce lying, as you say belly up sort of victim stance. Let him believe that I was still a dumb trusting person the way I used to be.
Really, I was hoping to fully escape this way. Under the radar. Grey rock. Be forgotten
Hi Archer!
We’re all pulling for you but, whatever you do, safety first!
You seem to have great gut instincts but that just makes me more nervous on your behalf because I know how predators reserve their worst ire and punishments for bonafide truth-tellers and intuitive people who see through them.
And as scary as it might be to hear that your ex checks all the boxes for dangerous domestic terrorist who might very well be escalating the post-separation abuse and stalking, I imagine that’s not “new news” to your spidey senses since you’ve lived with that looming risk for so long. But as a survivor of workplace stalking myself, I know full well how most regular Joe and Jane bystanders tend to wet-blanket survivors’ critical intuitive sense of statistical probability (that, if a crime is as common as abuse or rape, it can indeed happen to “anyone”). It’s because most people want to believe that we live in a safe and civil world overseen by a God who won’t let bad things happen to good people. Frankly I think that kind of magical thinking is a weakness in most humans (until they become statistics themselves, oops). So please consider getting some support to counteract the Panglossian pozziness if just because it will validate going the extra step to protect yourself and your kids.
As far as getting expert validation and consensus for your life-affirming survival instincts, I have no stake in this network but I’ve heard amazing things about coercive control expert Dr. Christine Cocchiola’s (tons of Youtube content and articles) stable of hand-picked and hand-trained therapists. Her website has a state by state guide and she herself seems to be available for “survival coaching.”
If you know anything about the history of coercive control as a concept and the legislative movement to criminalize “subviolent” abuse, then you would recognize the name of the late movement spearhead (and probable coiner of the term coercive control) Dr. Evan Stark and would recognize Dr. Cocchiola’s pedigree. Cocciola studied under Stark and is one of his successors who travels nationally to educate court systems, police, legislatures and other clinicians. Anyway, I know people who’ve gone to her as a coach/therapist or got support therapists who work in her network. It’s all raves.
Just thought I’d throw that resource your way for what it’s worth. Especially if you’re on a budget (who isn’t these days?), it can help not to waste time and money vetting crappy or inexperienced therapists. Otherwise I hope you keep coming back to this forum any time you need validation and consensus for your super-powered survival instincts.
To have that kind of support network is a very fortunate situation to be in. What’s the best-case and worst-case scenario if you take that meeting?
Dear Archer,
Like CL, since we don’t know the details (like whether your ex being discredited as a pathological liar in the eyes of family court might help in getting a disabled child’s support renegotiated?), I don’t know quite what to suggest. But I can just natter about my view on not pulling punches when it comes to evil people in case any of it applies to your situation.
As a young schmuck magnet working in the pre-#MeToo media industry who was forced to battle what seemed like an endless parade of mini Weinstein-wannabes and the usual “Do me or you’ll never work in this town again!” racket, I always loved the scene in the film Elizabeth where she goes “Let it all be done” and sets off a Godfather-esque murder medley of all her enemies. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tm2KizpbyKs
Of course I never bumped anyone off but I prosecuted and sued several notorious industry creeps or, if this wasn’t possible, I’d use whatever grounds I had to report to unions, etc., because I had eventually learned the hard way that I had no choice.This is because serial sexual aggressors tend to go scorched earth with the DARVO, smear campaigns and attempted blacklisting to preemptively silence anyone they victimized.
Basically, it doesn’t matter if victims acquiesce and go belly up to keep the peace because, in the minds of serial perpetrators, former targets are still witnesses to what’s behind the masks and psychos don’t gamble with their images because it’s how they maintain power and groom future victims. Letting them maintain their fake Teflon images was pretty much the same as leaving bullets in the guns that they would never stop shooting at those who knew the truth about them. Furthermore, back then, if news got around that a woman didn’t stand up for herself (sadly most women didn’t), she might as well wear a “rape/coerce me” sign on her back. But it was a damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation and there was a steep price to pay for being marked a whistleblower too. I eventually got off the merry-go-round.
But even if there was a price for it, in retrospect I’m glad I fought back and threw wrenches in the creepy gears because I think it still informs my baseline self esteem and identity as someone who stands up against injustice which I now channel towards advocating for my kids (one with health problems and a disability). I also feel like it gives me more in common with other people who also take the higher/harder road. That feels like a massive payoff because, when I meet people like this, they can recognize the same in me and an instant bond is formed. All in all, I think this leaves me and the kids in pretty great and like-minded company. To me, that’s no small thing.
In short, I feel like the kids and I are somewhat protected because, though our current “tribe” are peace-loving people who hate discord and drama, they’re not afraid to form a front and fight for themselves or each other when it matters which is excellent modeling for the kids and makes up for any past sh*tty role modeling.
I don’t know if any of this seems relevant but it’s just food for thought.
Brilliantly stated Hell of a Chump.
I think if it’s possible to sing like a bird while also keeping yourself safe it’s better in the long run maybe not for justice but for peace of mind knowing you did the right thing by coming forward to hopefully prevent it from happening to another person and to draw the line in the sand that you will do your level best not to be further victimized by them anymore.
I totally agree that it’s possible to blow the whistle and be safe– possibly even safer because whistleblowers are sometimes offered whistleblower protection whereas someone who stays silence gets no protection but may still be preemptively silenced by a paranoid perp.
Might as well be hung for a sheep than a lamb as they say. But like I said in another comment, because of my time working as an advocate, I stop short of thinking domestic abuse or r@pe victims should be pressured to “tell” for the sake of others unless it’s their own children. This is precisely because perpetrators are so explosively motivated to crush and silence their own victims that the risk of retaliation alone might be too much for the nervous systems of someone so recently traumatized. And the more serious the dime being dropped, the more lethal the retaliation might be in a statistical sense.
If the victim DOES choose to speak out as a public service, hats off and, yes, it can be totally empowering. But it’s not required. To my thinking, survivors have already been handed a monumental task of even trying to survive or protect their children in the first place. At the end of the day, if they do manage to survive, they may become voices of truth who can offer consensus and survival tips to others. That’s more than what most people do in a lifetime and plenty.
I’m with CL on the financial fraud. Protect yourself first – justice is a secondary consideration.
But what stood out to me was the possibility of child porn. That is not a victimless crime. At the very least, hand over that hard drive to the FBI and let them figure it out.
Your safety comes first, but please don’t turn a blind eye to possible crimes involving children just for the sake of keeping the financial peace.
Victims of domestic abuse should never, ever be compelled to be whistleblowers for the “welfare of others because their risk of being unalived by a coercive ex is already elevated 800-fold. If you add “pdf-file” to the list of crimes, that risk would rise even higher because that type of predator has more to lose and is often more willing to take extreme measures to silence witnesses. It would be safer for her and her children if authorities could construct an alternative way to expose her ex that leaves her out of the loop in the case he’s that level of predator.
I agree with you on the compulsion. I don’t think anyone here is suggesting she be compelled to give evidence against her abuser. Her safety comes first.
With that said, keeping the peace for the sake of financial security (the bulk of the concerns in this letter) is one thing. Keeping the peace when there are potentially crimes against children is a completely different animal.
The writer had some ambivalence about what to do, which indicates to me that there’s some flexibility in this decision either way. Her gut feelings are a better judge of what’s safe for her than the opinions of strangers. But outside perspectives are still helpful.
Sometimes when you’re in a domestic violence situation, you can lose moral clarity, because everything happening to you is *so messed up* all the time. The fact that child porn was a one-sentence throwaway in a long letter about logistics indicates to me there’s at least a possibility that a loss of clarity has occurred here. (And I say this without judgment, as someone who has spent enough time hiding in domestic violence shelters to understand there’s a very fine line between self preservation and moral confusion.)
I don’t think Archer’s sentence on child p**n was (intended as) a throwaway line… this is Archer, after all. Her comments about a fatal accident/s being planned for her are also said in a similar vein. I think it’s more that she is hyper-aware of any “approaching headlights” – which direction will they come from and what might they do? I think her letter is “this is BIG. How do I proceed, for my safety and kiddos?” (Financial yes, but also mental and physical safety). That is her top priority right now. And that would take up all her headspace I’m sure.
Having said that, this is all way out of my Chumpy league. So just sending thoughts, prayers, and best wishes for a clear and safe path forward, Archer.
She clarified in a comment below. She wasn’t seriously concerned about it, but it was more of a “this man is so depraved there is no low to which he would not sink.”
🙏 thanks, and
🙏 prayers that there is nothing lower than where he’s already stooped.
Great way of putting it– fine line between moral confusion and self preservation. In my own case, I always found swatting the wasp to incapacitate it was better than just waving a fan at it and riling it up. I “shot to k*ll” in a proverbial sense– threw everything I had at perpetrators to trigger legal responses. But that’s because I’d learned the hard way that trying to keep the peace with silence only strengthened perps’ preemptive blameshifts… which is how the former boss who tried (and failed) to roofi me ended up spreading rumors that I was secretly a “sex worker” which emboldened yet another perv that necessitated going to police anyway. Anyway, learning that silence can actually escalate things was probably the fastest way to clear up any confusion about self preservation vs. moral confusion.
As for the issue of compelling, I didn’t think anyone on this forum would ever compel anyone in Archer’s position to play public hero but it’s very, very common for uninitiated people to demand this of victims (as if victims need to exonerate themselves?? For what… drawing danger to themselves on their victimy voodoo tractor beams?? Ack, so dumb) so I was just saying it for record.
Totally fair, and I’m with you 100%. Thanks for adding that perspective!
I agree with this. If you suspect, let the authorities handle it. Also protect your personal security, ring cams. Etc.
Good point about personal security. Compliance is no guarantee of safety with a FW anyway, especially in a domestic violence situation, so the security steps are worth taking whether or not she talks to law enforcement.
Archer, I used to feel strongly about justice. Criminals should pay for their actions. Now, I think that sometimes it’s not worth poking the bear. If your ex’s crimes are all against you and you have protected yourself from further attacks, I’d let it go. Your peace is too important. But if he’s being investigated about crimes against others, I’d give all assistance possible. However, I wouldn’t testify against him in court unless he were in custody. A man like that would off you given the proper motivation.
Now about that hard drive…either get somebody else to review it for illegal material (preferably law enforcement) or destroy it.
Please don’t destroy something you believe may be evidence of a crime.
To be clear, I’m saying this for the sake of the OP. Destruction of evidence can be its own crime, and no one wants to verge into “accessory after the fact” territory. This is a really dangerous road to take.
If the FBI has reached out, they obviously must be looking to investigate him. They would therefore need you as a witness. If you decide to go that route, see if they will investigate the child porn as well. I do think that if he does have child porn then your children are not safe alone with him, so you do need to find out. If it turns out he does, you would need to go to the authorities, not just because he is dangerous in general, but in order to support revisiting the custody arrangement to keep your kids away from him.
I would not go with a civil case regarding the identity theft and forgery because as you say, you are just barely putting food on the table, so where would you get the money for legal fees?
What CL says about protecting yourself financially is gold. You have been through living hell with this man and you survived. That’s truly impressive. I hope you figure this out and I’m sorry you have to deal with any of it.
You make a great point. I think I misread Archer’s story to mean that her ex was not in contact with the kids. But if he is in fact a pdf file (though some porn apologists argue otherwise, statistics show that merely accessing content of that nature would be proof enough of significant risk), the evidence is needed to stop that contact.
Archer the OP here.
My suspicion of child p stuff is low because in the course sleuthing FW strip mall escorts, they were adult women in 20s and 30s.i actually spoke to several in person. However FW narcopath had loads of po*n on multiple hard drives so who knows what is on them?
That’s why I did not pursue 100% custody & because kids are teens.
If the FBI is reaching out to you, it’s because they already have your FW in their sights. They do not offer concierge prosecution services to angry spouses over minor identity theft.
Please talk to a criminal defense lawyer right away – one with experience in federal criminal defense. Use some of that healthy cushion for at least a consultation. Your friends aren’t going to be able to advise you on how to proceed or what the FBI is really asking of you. Superlawyers is not the worst place to find referrals.
Also because you need to be prepared in case FW drags you into his mess. Because accusing you of being the real criminal or at least an accomplice is exactly the kind of thing a narcopath does.
Very good points.
I am not an lawyer and I don’t even play one on TV, so take this with a shaker of salt.
If you are aware that he has committed identity fraud using your forged signature and you don’t do anything about it, I wonder if that makes you legally complicit in anyway? I know he refied this time and so you are not worred about that particular mortgage. But I am concerned that he could do something else down the road, or perhaps already has and if it somehow comes up that you were aware of the fraud with this mortgage, could it impede you getting justice the next time?
I saw many helpful suggestions from CL and others, I will ad that Credit Karma is a free service that helps monitor your credit and would help you monitor what is on your financial record.
I am kind of thinking of the states where if a FW cheats. and the Chump sleeps with them again after disclosure, suddenlly they aren’t entitled to an at fault divorce.
re the hard drive that you are concerned about, I wonder if police cold come view it WITH you? Or if possible, if you could jsut hand it over?
If there are valid concerns that he could be capable of committing that type of vile crime, it’s not just your kids at risk. It’s any kid he may ever be around. I am also worried for
YOU if it is in your home on a hard drive YOU have control over.
Also, goddamit, Archer, I am so sorry that you are dealing with all this. It’s so much and feels like a bomb field.
I agree with CL on the financial protections. I would review that hard drive. If it has the content you suspect you can hand it over and the FBI can take it from there. Not your problem. You do have an obligation to report it. What if he is a child predator? Better to get him off the streets. He could be a danger to kids.
I’m also inclined to say protect yourself but don’t rock his boat. Of course it is unfair, he may walk away scott free, but your peace and sanity are far more important than a vague concept like moral justice. I negotiated to leave my FWs pensions alone as my ADHD son needed my support and I regarded getting an upfront lump sum from the FW so my son could pay off his mortgage, a good trade off. Yes, I lost out on pensions, but I can manage on my own income and my pension will be sufficient. As mothers we always put our children first and let the FW walk away relatively unscathed financially, and I think if you can do this too it would be better for you and your peace.
Thank you to Archer for coming forward and to all who responded with advice, clarifications and their perspective. This is close to my situation. I’ve been afraid to discuss it here, from fear he will somehow find it.
This really resonates: Protect yourself first – justice is a secondary consideration.
He tried multiple methods of home sabotage which could have killed me and tween if undiscovered.
I’ve kept silent from fear and putting a priority on safety.
I’m going to read and re-read everything written here.
The little I did tell friends about his behavior was enough to make some of them flee. They’re afraid to be around him, so for some people, it’s easier and safer not to be involved with me either. I understand. It’s hard to shelter and support someone at risk if doing so may bring danger to your door.
If the FBI reached out to Archer, well, if it were me, I’d talk to an attorney. I’d be concerned that there was suspicion that I was involved in the fraud. Idk, maybe I’m looking at it wrong.
They didn’t reach out to me I should have been clearer on this in the letter. I reached out to a retired one
Be sure to lock down the credit of your children, too.
Be sure to freeze the credit of your children, too. They’d be an easy target for financial fraud.
Freeze your children’s credit too, and if any debt shows up on your reports that don’t belong to you, don’t pay a DIME or else you’re on the hook for paying it all off. What you would do is file a police report for identity theft and then take that documentation to the credit agencies and have them remove the fraudulent debt.
If the FBI reached out to you, meet with them. There’s no harm in listening to what they have to say. One thing you might learn is whether FW is about to be prosecuted on a federal level and faces prison. In that case, it may be worth it to find the right lawyer who can try to rescue assets to support you kids and in particular, your disabled child.
But just to emphasize what CL says, don’t try to mediate with a FW, especially a highly disordered, abusive and financially shifty FW. And get a lawyer who isn’t a “go along, get along, mediate” spineless type. I actually used a mediation lawyer but I was sure she wouldn’t cave in the face of FW entitlement.