Do I Break No Contact to Address Financial Fraud?
She just learned he forged her name on a mortgage, does she break no contact to go after him for financial fraud? Is the blowback worth it?
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Dear Chump Lady,
How do I weigh the pros and cons of further entanglement with FW?
I was together nearly 30 years with a covert narcissistic sociopath.
For the record, I am near 100% no contact with this narcopath. And only because we share minor children including a disabled one. Our divorce went quick because of domestic violence. In therapy I realized during faux reconciliation that at some point FW was considering a fatal accident for me. He had very likely stolen over one million over the course of his long secret double life, but I couldn’t afford a forensic accountant to fully pursue it since they seemed only interested in fleecing a desperate woman.
FW was involved with many escorts and stole marital assets for criminal defense lawyers to deal with extortion by his playmates. Plus possibly child p**n. I don’t know for sure unless I review a hard drive, which makes me nauseous. FW lied during mediation, which the divorce lawyers were too lazy to care about. Mine didn’t advocate for him to provide for our disabled child, which was a huge error since FW was a highly paid executive. This is my Achilles heel and a source of my financial worry, being on the hook forever for said child when I am middle class at best.
Now FW lost his job and ratcheted up the self pity.
I learned FW also committed additional financial fraud in forging my name on his mortgage and bank documents, likely prosecutable at the Federal level due to the amount. FW narcopath later refinanced the loan to his name only so as far as I know, I don’t owe money. Whew.
He pays his child support on time. Whines to the children and me and is a horrible negligent father who barely sees them. Fortunately I work and am able to just barely keep the lights on and food on the table. Stock market gains means there is a healthy emergency cushion. I’m in a loving peaceful relationship with a fellow chump. I have purged my circle of flying monkeys and Switzerland friends and have a good social life.
In other words, I have achieved a relatively peaceful existence post-FW and am firmly on the Road to Meh.
My dilemma is what to do?
FBI asks if I want to set up a meeting and open a criminal case? Lawyers say let’s talk at $500/hour. Some friends say leave FW alone as long as he’s paying CS and pray he gets another job, others want me to go full scorched earth legally, but I know that is expensive and stressful. Therapist listens but does not know what to recommend.
Looking for advice from Chump Nation!
Archer
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Dear Archer,
Let’s break this problem down. You’ve got several competing interests here. They are:
- Maintaining your peace and sanity.
- Filing possible charges of financial fraud.
- Not rocking the boat to ensure further child support.
- Revisiting child support to cover a disabled child.
Yes, any further contact with a FW is going to disrupt your life. However a FW may disrupt your life anyway.
This is my unpleasant way of telling you, we don’t control FWs. They tend to spew chaos wherever they go, and many of them thrill to antagonize you after the divorce. Because of the divorce. Because from their perspective, how dare you? You’ve ceased to be of use!
But your Social Security number is still handy.
So let’s focus on what you DO control and how you can protect yourself without him knowing.
Manage your identity theft risk.
This is a guy who feels quite entitled to whatever you have, even after he’s left you very little. So, first step, assess the damage and strengthen your shields. I’m sorry to give you homework during this very trying time, but you need to advocate for yourself and your kids here. You want to create a paper trail and lock down your financial identity before he f*cks anything else up for you.
Freeze your credit immediately.
In the U.S., contact all three credit bureaus: Experian Freeze Center, Equifax Credit Freeze, TransUnion Credit Freeze.
This stops him (or anyone else) from opening anything in your name without your authorization.
Pull your credit reports
You can get a free one from AnnualCreditReport.com. This will show you any weird addresses, or PO boxes, or loans you don’t know about.
Create an FTC identity theft report
File at: IdentityTheft.gov
This creates formal documentation and generates recovery steps/checklists.
Change passwords and secure accounts
You were married to him, so he probably knows your user names. It’s good practice anyway. Have two-factor id on EVERYTHING.
Document everything
Keep: timelines, screenshots, emails, account statements, copies of forged signatures, communications, case numbers.
In case you are forced into criminal court with this FW, come with receipts.
The next thing you need to consider is if you want to go on the offensive — file charges — or go on the defensive — be prepared if this all blows back on you, more than it already has. It’s hard to give you advice here, because I don’t know how bad the damage is until you’ve checked your credit reports.
He refinanced that loan and you’re off the hook there. Who knows what else he’s done, or will do? Locking down your ID and your credit as I outlined above can thwart him going forward, but I don’t know your exposure right now.
You need to separate the feelings of emotional justice (HE WILL PAY FOR WHAT HE’S DONE!) from financial protection. Put your energies into stopping further harm and insulating yourself legally.
You’re dealing with a dangerous person.
Mortgage fraud, forged signatures, hidden assets — goes beyond ordinary identity theft. It’s coercive financial abuse and even white-collar fraud. Given this guy has had a long double life and physically abused you, your hesitation to antagonize him with legal accountability is completely understandable.
As the trial lawyers say “Some money is too expensive.” You’re a cautionary tale of why you shouldn’t mediate a divorce with FWs. You got completely screwed on lifetime support for your disabled child. That said, FWs famously renege on court orders and legal agreements anyway. So even if you had it, perhaps you wouldn’t be able to collect it. Yes, the injustice of that makes my head want to explode. I wish we lived in a world where enforcing child support mattered.
I’m unclear if the FBI reached out to you, or you reached out to the FBI. Again, without more details I can’t offer any advice. But I think with people this crazy, their lives tend to implode without you. He already lost his job and you already jumped off his sinking ship.
Save your sanity. Protect yourself on the down low. And wait for him to go down. Just make sure that when he does, you’re not tied to him.
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This is a tough one.
Yes, shore up your own financial protections, 100%. And keep monitoring and maintaining. After freezing your credit, it may be that if he can’t take advantage of you that way, he will move on. These types are opportunity-seekers, and if you don’t provide opportunity, they may look elsewhere.
Personally, my sanity is gold. I chose not to pursue everything that came to light during my divorce. Part of that was finances, but I was also just so over him. My kids were older, so no custody issues. We configured the agreement so I could disengage as soon as the closeout was over. Naturally, he couldn’t let go, but I got to a better financial place and still chose to move on rather than to engage with him further legally. I could have afforded that, but chose not to. Yes, the lack of justice in these things sucks.
Every FW is different, but eventually my ex got into a long-term relationship, and last I heard, he is focusing all of his disordered thinking on her instead of me, although he remains very bitter towards me. It’s been a few years since the adult kids and I have heard from him directly, which is A-OK with us.
Yes. During the divorce he ignored me and the kids while he was busy with the other woman. She eventually dumped him so he turned his disordered focus back to us. He got into another relationship not long after the divorce and eventually married that woman. He’s ignored me and the kids for years now.
Hi Archer:
I am sorry you are having to deal with this: your ex is a truly despicable person, as you already know. CLs advice sounds spot on in that you must prevent further financial damage and find out other areas in which you may have been financially compromised or at risk and unaware. This man seems capable of anything.
Please gird your loins and review the information you worry may contain child porn. It will take a lot of courage to do that, and I am pretty sure that even if it does not have child porn it will include other unpleasant and shocking information. I hope you reach out to your support group in advance, and have a plan for what you will do in terms of support for yourself should your fears be confirmed. Perhaps plan to do it right before a visit with your therapist and have an extra long session set up, and maybe even one before you do it so you can talk through your options and your responsibilities should you find it. And maybe grandma could keep the kids for a few days while you are dealing with this and any aftermath?
I just don’t want you sitting in front of a compuet, screaming in horror and no plan to deal with the horror.
You have to do this because your children may be at risk. If your husband is sexually aroused by children, you absolutely need to know in order to protect them. And worrying about what information is present without knowing for sure is its own kind of hell. And finally, if child porn is present, children were abused to make it and your husband is complicit and must face justice.
I am praying for you Archer, for courage and wisdom as you go through this terrible experience, and that your friends and family provide love and support.
Absolutely well said.
I have no supportive family nearby, and local friends have exhibited compassion fatigue.
Well that’s a life project for another day– surrounding yourself with a few more “ride or die” types who can handle the wattage of someone who, whether you ever planned this as a life aspiration or not, kind of has to be a justice warrior to survive emotionally and physically and protect your kids.
I find it easier to give my more “snowflake” social contacts (who get the Victorian vapors at the mere sight of social discord) a break because my kick ass street fighter friends are always up for a nice war-counsel and problem solving session (which, no matter how serious it is, always ends up with everyone laughing themselves sick because finding consensus is delightful even if what necessitates it sucks).
According to my beloved former trauma therapist, this kind of personality might have more to do with a type of intelligence than character because people who are problem solvers tend to have something called “systems intelligence”– some kind of specialized faculty that can include a highly attuned social radar, fascination with untangling social clusterf*cks and finding protective and constructive solutions.
For people like the latter, solving problems like this is almost fun or at least feels energizing. If they also have solid character, they can be vital allies. In any case, they exist and you could definitely use (and deserve) a few like that in your corner. You can sometimes find people like this in advocacy circles so if your region has any support groups for causes you believe in (like advocacy for coercive control victims, etc.), joining can be a way to fill out your life with some ride-or-die brethren.
I agree that the hard drive needs to be reviewed. However, if the FBI has reached out to Archer, then maybe she could hand it over to them for review? If I was worried about child prn, I would not keep it in my possession. And if they are investigating, the drive might have clues about further crimes that would be useful.
Archer,
Im currently living a similar financial legal nightmare similar to yours. Key differences are FW used childs SSN to apply for government benefits including state health insurance instead of putting kid on his insurance like we agreed to years ago… My kid and I also had a DVC and CA restraining order against him when we escaped. We now and have live hundreds of miles out of state so it feels a little physically safer. I also worry about rocking the boat and holding FW accountable because that very likely means jail time which means no more child support when we are already stretched too thin. Its such an unfair and sucky situation to be in and I’m sorry you are in it.
ExFW also refused to answer questions about it or even follow child support order that my former attorney ( conflict of interest; his firm represent FW on a criminal case as well as had two legal assistants/ paralegals who were friends with EXFW and FWs Gf at the time, then the GF died and it became a bad time to enforce the order because how dare I?!?) a disgruntled bunnyboiler shortly found my confidential information and info dumped a lot of garbage from she was finding his most recent attorney to avoid child support to his financials unprompted she also let it slip she pretended to be me to get my kids social security number so ex could get kid on government assistance in a state we don’t live in.We’ve also been dealing with her stalking and harassing for the past 5+ years. I have to go back to court this week self represented because I can afford attorneys anymore.
I followed through with government agency after government agency, I locked up the kids and my SSN through all 3 bureaus, I got a dual state attorney who misfiled mountains of paperwork from subpoenas, to registration of debts to motions then dipped out right before a hearing to transfer jurisdiction because she didn’t like my tone when I noticed she put in the wrong information. Police reports, FTC reports everything. On and on and on.
Documenting only gets you so far. Filing reports only gets you so far. The bureaucratic slog of an inefficient system is demoralizing.Your incredibly lucky that you aren’t on the hook for the financial fraud.
Your lucky to have FBI contact you that means they want to do something about it. Your lucky the FBI has enough evidence to pursue it, idk how that would impact you if it’s a criminal case the prosecutors would be involved most wheel and deal with the defense outside as a victim I think your involvement in the proceedings although stressful would be extremely limited. With that said I have very little faith in the justice system doing anything meaningful about it.
Would it help anyone outside of yourself and your children if you moved forward and if so how much har would come to you and your loved ones of you pursue it?
A trusted friend’s family has FBI contacts who gave me some advice because I had yet another weird IT related incident, and can arrange a meeting with White collar crime unit.
To have that kind of support network is a very fortunate situation to be in. What’s the best-case and worst-case scenario if you take that meeting?
Dear Archer,
Like CL, since we don’t know the details (like whether your ex being discredited as a pathological liar in the eyes of family court might help in getting a disabled child’s support renegotiated?), I don’t know quite what to suggest. But I can just natter about my view on not pulling punches when it comes to evil people in case any of it applies to your situation.
As a young schmuck magnet working in the pre-#MeToo media industry who was forced to battle what seemed like an endless parade of mini Weinstein-wannabes and the usual “Do me or you’ll never work in this town again!” racket, I always loved the scene in the film Elizabeth where she goes “Let it all be done” and sets off a Godfather-esque murder medley of all her enemies. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tm2KizpbyKs
Of course I never bumped anyone off but I prosecuted and sued several notorious industry creeps or, if this wasn’t possible, I’d use whatever grounds I had to report to unions, etc., because I had eventually learned the hard way that I had no choice.This is because serial sexual aggressors tend to go scorched earth with the DARVO, smear campaigns and attempted blacklisting to preemptively silence anyone they victimized.
Basically, it doesn’t matter if victims acquiesce and go belly up to keep the peace because, in the minds of serial perpetrators, former targets are still witnesses to what’s behind the masks and psychos don’t gamble with their images because it’s how they maintain power and groom future victims. Letting them maintain their fake Teflon images was pretty much the same as leaving bullets in the guns that they would never stop shooting at those who knew the truth about them. Furthermore, back then, if news got around that a woman didn’t stand up for herself (sadly most women didn’t), she might as well wear a “rape/coerce me” sign on her back. But it was a damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation and there was a steep price to pay for being marked a whistleblower too. I eventually got off the merry-go-round.
But even if there was a price for it, in retrospect I’m glad I fought back and threw wrenches in the creepy gears because I think it still informs my baseline self esteem and identity as someone who stands up against injustice which I now channel towards advocating for my kids (one with health problems and a disability). I also feel like it gives me more in common with other people who also take the higher/harder road. That feels like a massive payoff because, when I meet people like this, they can recognize the same in me and an instant bond is formed. All in all, I think this leaves me and the kids in pretty great and like-minded company. To me, that’s no small thing.
In short, I feel like the kids and I are somewhat protected because, though our current “tribe” are peace-loving people who hate discord and drama, they’re not afraid to form a front and fight for themselves or each other when it matters which is excellent modeling for the kids and makes up for any past sh*tty role modeling.
I don’t know if any of this seems relevant but it’s just food for thought.
Brilliantly stated Hell of a Chump.
I think if it’s possible to sing like a bird while also keeping yourself safe it’s better in the long run maybe not for justice but for peace of mind knowing you did the right thing by coming forward to hopefully prevent it from happening to another person and to draw the line in the sand that you will do your level best not to be further victimized by them anymore.
I’m with CL on the financial fraud. Protect yourself first – justice is a secondary consideration.
But what stood out to me was the possibility of child porn. That is not a victimless crime. At the very least, hand over that hard drive to the FBI and let them figure it out.
Your safety comes first, but please don’t turn a blind eye to possible crimes involving children just for the sake of keeping the financial peace.
Victims of domestic abuse should never, ever be compelled to be whistleblowers for the “welfare of others because their risk of being unalived by a coercive ex is already elevated 800-fold. If you add “pdf-file” to the list of crimes, that risk would rise even higher because that type of predator has more to lose and is often more willing to take extreme measures to silence witnesses. It would be safer for her and her children if authorities could construct an alternative way to expose her ex that leaves her out of the loop in the case he’s that level of predator.
I agree with this. If you suspect, let the authorities handle it. Also protect your personal security, ring cams. Etc.
Good point about personal security. Compliance is no guarantee of safety with a FW anyway, especially in a domestic violence situation, so the security steps are worth taking whether or not she talks to law enforcement.
Archer, I used to feel strongly about justice. Criminals should pay for their actions. Now, I think that sometimes it’s not worth poking the bear. If your ex’s crimes are all against you and you have protected yourself from further attacks, I’d let it go. Your peace is too important. But if he’s being investigated about crimes against others, I’d give all assistance possible. However, I wouldn’t testify against him in court unless he were in custody. A man like that would off you given the proper motivation.
Now about that hard drive…either get somebody else to review it for illegal material (preferably law enforcement) or destroy it.