Ex and His Affair Partner Just Had a Baby. Ouch.
She’s moved on with her life, but her ex just had a baby with his affair partner/now wife. Why does this news hurt so bad?
***
Dear Chump Lady,
It’s been nearly eight years since D-Day and why does it still hurt so bad?
During my daughter’s first year of life (she’s nearly nine now), I made discoveries of the affair. This resulted in a lot of pick-me-dancing, disingenuous (from his side) marriage counseling and all of the trauma that comes with that.
He eventually left me for his 25-year-old affair partner.
We were in our 30s and he would say things like ‘You’re just not spontaneous anymore.’ (Kind of hard to be spontaneous when someone has to look after our baby while he is out doing tequila shots at the bar with her.)
Anyway, two years ago, we both remarried. (Him to AP and me to a wonderful man). In no way do I want to be with FW, but I’m having trouble trusting that they both suck. So, of course the thoughts of how ‘happy’ they are as a married couple began popping into my head. Maybe I was the problem all along?
Also, within the last year, they had a baby.
I’m happily one and done, so am in no way envious of the baby situation, but I can’t help but feel resentful of her getting all of the things I never had when my baby was young.
I was discovering text messages and late-night meet ups with ‘the guys’ on sleepless nights. I was taking my baby to the park alone, looking longingly at couples with their kids and feeling depressed. She seems to get the ‘new and improved’, more mature version of him who is too tired to go out for tequila shots.
A photo popped up on social media the other day from the baby class group I used to attend and there she was with her baby, beaming away. She could care less that when I was at those classes all those years ago with my baby, she was texting my husband and making googly eyes at him at work.
I thought by now the karma bus would have arrived and I previously considered myself at Meh, but this new baby has opened up old wounds.
Why does it still hurt so bad?
Sincerely,
Not Spontaneous
****
Dear Not Spontaneous (and Also No Longer Married to a FW),
It hurts because your ex just created Family 2.0, thereby underscoring your obsolescence, so of course all those feelings are stirred up now. You’re grieving not just your own history of the pick me dance, but are probably wondering how your daughter is going to navigate this half-sibling situation.
If you feel like you weren’t good enough, imagine how she feels. Dad’s got a new child. She was the baby that Failed To Enchant.
All of this hurts like hell if you work from the assumption that the validation of FW’s matters.
It. Does. Not. Matter.
You’re a complete family minus a FW. You moved on, found love again, rebuilt your life. This is winning.
During my daughter’s first year of life (she’s nearly nine now), I made discoveries of the affair. This resulted in a lot of pick-me-dancing, disingenuous (from his side) marriage counseling and all of the trauma that comes with that.
How incredibly traumatic. Look what you bounced back from! You’re having a wobble. Would you ever, in a million years want to live in that nightmare with that man? The deception? The devaluing?
THAT IS WHO HE IS.
He doesn’t get to erase that stain from his character. Nor does it sound like he’s tried. Instead, he’s just rebooted with a piss-for-character idiot. What a terrible foundation for a relationship. She can’t un-know that he’s an abandoner. (Dance, Dance, Dance!) He can’t un-know that she’s a thirsty sidepiece. And now they’ve involved an innocent baby.
We were in our 30s and he would say things like ‘You’re just not spontaneous anymore.’ (Kind of hard to be spontaneous when someone has to look after our baby while he is out doing tequila shots at the bar with her.)
Nine years ago you were in your 30s, so now you’re in your 40s. How that spontaneity working for him? How’s his liver?
Anyway, two years ago, we both remarried. (Him to AP and me to a wonderful man). In no way do I want to be with FW, but I’m having trouble trusting that they both suck.
Trust that they suck.
This is a person who would rather be out drinking than bonding with his newborn.
They suck.
So, of course the thoughts of how ‘happy’ they are as a married couple began popping into my head. Maybe I was the problem all along?
You have no idea if they’re happy or unhappy. What we do know is that neither of them are very deep. So on the off chance that Mr. and Mrs. Tequila Shot are living in bliss, it’s a shallow bliss. These are superficial people. Because if they had integrity, they would’ve behaved ethically. He was able to cheat and drink and enjoy himself when you were at your most vulnerable. And she was the stupid Schmoopie who deluded herself into thinking his bad character was irrelevant compared to her magnificence.
He would never have abandoned his family, EXCEPT THAT SHE’S SPECIAL.
But no one is special to a FW. Not you, not her, not the children.
And you’re buying into it too. I wasn’t special! I’m the problem here!
Why would you do that to yourself? Look at the evidence! Did YOU abandon a baby for a f*ckbuddy?
These are simply terrible people. Sadly, there are a lot of them in the world. Cheats, suck-ups, enablers.
She seems to get the ‘new and improved’, more mature version of him who is too tired to go out for tequila shots.
You have zero evidence of this. He got her pregnant. Requires almost zero effort. Showing up is the hard part, and you have no idea what the karma bus could do next.
Don’t confuse being older with being more mature. Ask a bazillion of us how we know. Maybe he pours the tequila in his orange juice now.
You left the cheater and gained the life.
Don’t look back.
Discover more from ChumpLady.com
Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.
Not Spontaneous,
Your Ex-FW’s AP didn’t win a better version of him than you had, just one that got better at image management. Be confident that, sooner or later, he will do to her what he did to you.
I’d also suggest (gently) that you focus on what you do have and not the FW that is now someone else’s problem; it sounds like you have built a better life for yourself if only you could see it.
LFTT
I have remarried and last night we talking about Bell Burden’s book “Strangers”. It has stirred up a lot about her divorce and given her some new perspectives. Her FW was financially irresponsible resulting in her constantly working to dig them out of debt holes. He was an indifferent father, leaving their four sons with deep emotional scars. He was absorbed in his “hobbies” that too, him away from the home that resulted in a ramshackled property and relationship. He just ran away from all these issues to a woman who was compliant but incompetent. They went bankrupt in a couple years, moved out of state and left us with phone calls from bill collectors. My wife recalled life and divorce as very painful, but ultimately was grateful the OW “Took him off my hands and now she has to deal with all that shit!”
I literally just listened to this audiobook over the weekend. And I wrote to Tracy about it.
The book really resonated. So many things we all discuss.
I haven’t read the book, but I’ve read interviews with the author and at least 1 review. One thing that registered with me is that…I think her ex had a long term plan to profit from marrying an heiress. Which is why he insisted on changing their prenup.
“No tags backs!”
That book did a good job showing how someone can be checked out and up their own arse in so many dimensions. It’s not uncommon that cheating (the actual secks) is the not only way in which a FW hurts their partner. It’s only one symptom of a greater issue. I had a clandestine FW who was happy to let me think everything was fine when it wasn’t, so that aspect hit home too.
It’s funny how so many cheating stories have the same few elements, with a few variations. In Belle’s case, it really sounds like she had no idea they weren’t happy. She was so blindsided by the affair. He had always been as she said “so tender” with her and the kids. I was blindsided by the affair in my case, but I wasn’t shocked that felt entitled to extramarital validation. I think Belle really had no idea, and maybe her FW didn’t either. That is how it is portrayed.
And then D-Day happens, and he immediately leaves and never comes back. All but completely abandons the kids. (He does see them, but never once took them for an overnight?) By the end of the book the FW still hadn’t told her what was wrong with their marriage.
But she talks about how he completely changed. At some point, post D-Day, he talks to her harshly and it was the first time she ever heard him speak to her like that. This is the part I couldn’t relate to at all bc the FW in my story was emotionally unregulated and had anger issues, so him being a jerk wasn’t new to me. But I believe Belle that her FW flipped a switch as many Chumps see that post D-Day.
That all said? He had done some questonable financial things throughout the marriage. She was happy to let him handle the money. But he also convinced her to change the pre-nup 5 days before the wedding. It was written initially to protect her inheritance. I am foggy on the details, but it was something like, the amendment meant that anything they had in both names, they would split 50/50 upon divorce. Anything in a single name, they would keep. But then they used her trust to purchase their NYC apartment and their home on the Vineyard. But put both those properties in both names, despite him not contributing a dime of it, nd it being her pre-marriage $$. They had a joint savings where the monthly expenses came out of. But upon discovery in the divorce, she found that he was putting hundreds of thousands of his salary into an account with just his name on it. She has a law degree, but had stopped working to care for their 3 children.
He didn’t end up screwing her over, but he initially planned to. He refused any custody of the kids. I think he let her keep both homes. He kept his acct with all his salary tucked away.
She has a law degree, and her book is doing so well that it is slated to be made into a movie. Gwenyth Paltrow is going to play her. She kept both her homes. She will be FINE financially. So much better than most Chumps.
But he absolutely could have completely screwed her over. We will never know what stopped him, because initially that was his plan and it wasnt like a judge saved her. He simply decided not to.
My guess, and it is a guess, is that he was concerned about bad publicity affecting his career. And she does, after all, come from a wealthy and powerful family.
It’s amazing how often people make the mistake of buying property with their own assets and putting it in their and their spouse’s or partner’s names. I want to use this as an example of how women aren’t taught to protect their assets, which is true, but men also do it.
I’ve been meaning to read this book as I keep seeing it recommended!
You are so strong for surviving what you went through, whilst raising your daughter, and I am so pleased to hear that you found love again. It is a huge trauma, and it was never something wrong with you, but a reflection of his selfish ugly ways. I believe there are people who are capable of cheating, and people who are not, and if you cheat once you will cheat again. I know I could never cheat on someone, even if I did not love them, because I couldn’t hurt someone like that.
Unfortunately, I can relate to your situation. My husband left me when our baby was three months old after I discovered he was having an affair with a female friend during my pregnancy and postpartum. He withdrew affection after I gave birth, so I knew something was up, but it was a shock as we had only recently married, and he always presented himself as having good morals and would be disgusted by people who cheated. My son is now 12 months old, and I am starting to feel stronger and rebuild a life that I am happy with. But it’s tough, and I still feel violated that they were having an affair right under my nose (she came round and held my newborn as a ‘friend’) whilst I was so vulnerable. And I feel sad sometimes when I see my friends raising children with loving involved partners, or hear people talking about their supportive partners at toddler groups. I am lucky to have a wonderful village of family and friends who have carried me through the tough times. And I can see him for who he is now, after 8 months of him showing no empathy, remorse, or accountability, and bullying me to try and get me to give in to 50/50 custody and overnights before I think our son is ready (I am still breastfeeding!). And I see that he made me insecure crossing boundaries with her for their many years of ‘friendship’. I recently found out that they are now in a relationship which hurt and knocked me back a bit.
My son couldn’t be more loved by me and my family and friends. I hope I can teach him kindness and empathy so he turns out good, not like FW.
Stories like yours give me hope that I will find love one day. You are so strong, hang in there, this storm will pass too.
Your story is mine from 38 years ago. Storms do pass but the scars are forever. My 2 adult children from my Cheater ex can’t believe we could have ever been compatible. My grandchildren with Cheater ex cannot wrap their heads around anything from that time period. We have nothing in common. Nothing. And I trust that he sucked for sure.Anyone who abandons when you are pregnant is the worst and not worth the kleenex to blow your nose. It still shocks me.
‘Not Spontaneous’ here. I was surprised to find out that cheating is incredibly common when a woman is pregnant and a baby is born. It especially triggers the trauma response in women because they’re at their most vulnerable after giving birth and most susceptible to danger back in the caveman days.
In modern western societies we often have little other support than our partners and if they abandon us, we often have no one around. I was essentially left on my own in a foreign country. Luckily my ex in-laws were not total assholes and really supported me (although they are also in touch with FW).
You will survive too and can one day build the family life that you wanted, even if it wasn’t the one you originally pictured.
FW cheated before/during/after pregnancy. Not only taking away any security from my when I was most vulnerable, but our daughter, who was planned and something he completely green-lit when we had that discussion. Also, the STI risk for the both of us. It makes me sick that anyone would do this to another person, let alone the person someone marries and professes to love or their own child.
During the awful days after DDay, I read somewhere that upwards of 10% of men admit to first cheating during a pregnancy. It makes my skin crawl to think of it.
“…and there she was with her baby, beaming away.”. First, don’t look at social media, where the bitch is likely to turn up. Second, don’t assume that because she was ‘ beaming away’ that means everything’s just fine. Social media photos are fairytale, deliberately curated stuff, and bear no reality to what’s actually going on. You’ve made a good life, you’re happy with a good husband and a lovely daughter. Don’t go dipping back into a septic tank. x
Yes, I’m normally really good about not looking at their social media pages (maybe looked once or twice in nearly nine years) which I credit with keeping myself relatively sane. This was another group, which is why it caught me off guard.
I am largely off social media, but a year or two ago was bitch-slapped with FW’s alter ego (*snirk*) on Facebook…because he was definitely blocked. This stuff can sneak up on you even when you’re not looking.
There’s been quite a bit of research over the past fifteen years reporting that cheaters as well as their voluntary affair partners (clinically referred to as “mate poachers”) statistically tend to be high in “dark triad” traits related to personality disorder, particularly psychopathy. Then even more recent research argues that the “dark triad” concept should be amended to include sadism and be referred to as the “dark tetrad.”
Obviously you don’t need to be a social scientist to know that sounds ominous. And one of the reasons the science rings true to me is that I once worked in the world’s most FW- and narc-laden industry and have never, ever encountered a cheater or-called mate poacher who wasn’t a walking abortion: mean, sleazy, pathologically empty, incapable of true intimacy or self-reflection, always interpersonally destructive if not outright violent (including the women) and, last but not least, the furthest thing from happy.
Bottom line, I think these people are all of the above because they are incapable of joy (due to pathological emptiness) and so have to settle for the thrill of domination and glee of betrayal (made possible by sadism). But those vicious little “highs” which are typically at the expense of others are always followed by an even louder howl of wind in their cavernous souls so this is nothing akin to contentment and happiness.
Anyway, there’s zero chance in hell that your ex and the individual who gleefully assisted his destructive behavior are going to be “happy” together. They will of course exude this on Instagram but behind the scenes, they will be each other’s punishment. But if you still feel like getting depressed about something, think about what that poor misbegotten kid is facing and how, in the likely scenario that this child ends up as sketchy and disordered as its parents, you’re going to protect your own child from a delinquent half sib. It’s basically all the more reason to model gray rock and eventual NC because your daughter may have to one day employ that strategy for her own emotional (and possibly financial and physical) safety.
If that seems like a terrible thing to project about a newborn, consider also the possibility that your projections of glowing family unity and happiness for your ex and his partner in crime are just a side effect of a rather sweet but naive hope for the best for their child. You are a chump, after all– i.e., a nice, square person who puts children first– which makes it hard to wrap your head around evil. You shouldn’t have to change your moral wiring but maybe tweak things a little so you hope for the best but prepare for the worst.
Yes, my ex was somewhere in the spectrum of “dark triad” with a side of sadism, if you will. There was nothing to salvage with him, and I was able to configure the settlement so that ongoing contact wasn’t required. The kids were older, and I was all business during closeout, hoping he would eventually see me as a hard target and let go. He did when he finally got into a more long-term relationship. As we say in the south, “Bless her heart.”
I’ve seen how these new pairings go down in flames later. If you have two disordered people, order is not magically going to be the result of their pairing, particularly if they have a baby. Not that we wish anyone such chaos, but we need to keep it as an observation of how life goes down.
With a kid in common, you will come across aspects of your former partner’s life that you really don’t want to know about. Well, OK, but don’t look for it. Focus on the current chapter of your life and minimize him where you can.
Russian poet Yevgeni Yevtushenko described a really beautiful view of human ethics which, though agnostic, still manages to depict life as meaningful and human decency as essential. In the novel Wild Berries, he writes about a cloud of good and a cloud of evil that circle the earth and how everything we do contributes to either one or the other which then rain down on all of us.
Anyway, from that perspective, when I hear about cheaters/domestic abusers moving on with someone who wasn’t party to cheating, rather than thinking they might be “better” for the new person (maybe older and too tired to be violent but never truly better), I always hope the new partner is just as bent and nasty because the idea that FWs are roping in yet more innocent, defenseless victims is so bleak and depressing.
The world doesn’t need more unnecessary suffering. At least if a cheater/abuser “moves on” to a long term relationship with an affair partner, it’s guaranteed that they’re both equivalently crappy. But then the downside to the latter situation is if there are chumped kids caught in the crossfire because two FWs together can be worse than one.
Sigh, ugh. One way or another, abusers darken the world. It has to at least be acknowledged and seen realistically in order to protect what’s important and recover from encounters with these types. But it’s all the more reason to minimize contact and try set the focus on more hopeful, healthy and inspiring things.
At first, I complained to my besties that my husband had become a horror that I didn’t know anymore. Nah. He became what he was, and it went full bloom when he decided to run off to find himself. That was who he was.
The woman he ended up with is not like me. Reportedly, she’s a bit of a player herself and takes advantage of men who want to pay her way. So, some disordered thinking on her side, too.
We chose who to have close to us. I push the disordered type far, far away now.
You can’t lose something you never had in the first place.
He wasn’t a good husband or father to you and your child back then, and clearly he wasn’t willing to put in the time and effort to remake himself while remaining married to you, so the new, improved him that you believe the AP got was never in the cards for you anyway. It’s hard to accept that we weren’t important enough to them for them to put in the work, but the truth is that (assuming they have changed, which is a big assumption in and of itself) if they weren’t willing to change for us then the new, improved version was never offered to us and we didn’t “lose” it in any real sense.
My personal suspicion is that they’re unable or unwilling to confront the flaws in the marriage (theirs, ours, the marriage’s) because they lack the necessary character (dedication, honesty, vulnerability, empathy, generosity) so they prefer to nuke the marriage and start afresh with a blank slate. Without the ability to address problems the slate doesn’t stay blank for long, but we don’t see it. I mean, she successfully hid her discontent from me from the inside while we were married; why would I ever know what’s going on now from the outside?
I know it’s kind of cold consolation to think “I wasn’t worth working on the marriage” but remember what your marriage was like at the time and ask yourself “would I want that marriage again?”, because that’s the marriage you would have now if you’d stayed – not the (probably mostly fictional anyway) new marriage that you see your ex has now.
I fully understand why “Not Spontaneous” feels the way she feels. It is so normal and understandable.
But you hit it on the head when you said “remember what your marriage was like at the time and ask yourself “would I want that marriage again?”
The OP said D-Day was during the first year of her child’s life. So if Karma wanted to be a very literal bitch, she could be sending a d-day the AP’s way any day now. there is still time. lol
But even if that didn’t happen, something else might. Or at the very least, these 2 people know who they married, a couple of cheating losers.
And OP is living her best life. Sometimes that is the Karma, the gaining a life part.
Exactly. Once I told an old flying monkey: “I don’t know what you hope to accomplish by telling me what a great Husband and Father Ex is now. That he was apparently capable of it but decided not to be that person in our family only means that he intentionally decided not to be. You may be fine spending time with someone like that, but I am not. He has done nothing to resolve what happened with us, and it’s sad you seem more invested in that project than he is.”
That he was hypothetically capable of being a good partner still means he intentionally decided not to be for you. That is all about him and his cruelty. It says nothing about your value.
A fool will neglect priceless art, but that doesn’t make the art any less priceless. It only shows the fool’s failures.
Amen. It’s actually more likely that, if there’s a significant age gap in a relationship (as there often is in relationships that originally stemmed from affairs), it simply changes the power dynamic and puts the older partner (usually the cheater) on their back foot for a period.
In other words, the cheater may simply tie their charm masks on tighter (at first) and put more effort into maintaining the relationship. This is because, in the view of cheaters who reduce all human value to a stock market (whatever they perceive induces envy in others), the younger partner is perceived as having more of a window to attract further sexual partners and move on. But because (according to forensic research) cheaters are really just a variety of domestic abusers and because a very credible hypothetical root reason domestic abusers devalue and abuse intimate partners is an underlying, pathological fear of abandonment and infantile emotional dependency, they will eventually resent losing in the power shift and may even double down on their abuse.
So, while fears that a younger partner could cheat on them and move on might inspire cheaters to pickme dance in the beginning, the perception that the younger partner could/might better deal them (which, if the younger partner is a former AP, they are realistically more likely to do) would eventually drive the disordered cheater to try to “beat them to the punch” and cheat first at the very least or engage in even more dangerous forms of abuse.
This isn’t to imply that a younger Owife actually is more valuable or even more objectively attractive than the former chump, just that cheaters– again– perceive value according to shallow measures like biometrics. I think that’s why we so often see gorgeous celebrities being betrayed for ratty or dumpy nannies and melted Barbies who just happen to be younger.
Definitely!
Also that Cheater knows OW is also a capable cheater gives them that little competitive *frisson* of uncertainty that’s so addictive to these types, but traumatic for the rest of us.
Now that baby is here and the shine may be wearing off, I wouldn’t be surprised if things aren’t all sunny a home. Usually showing as an uptick in glossy photo posts and public professions of joy.
This is a very good point.
Perhaps they cannot be good partners. Perhaps they can be but choose not to be. The end result is the same. Maybe the former is tragic and sad, while the latter is selfish and malicious? But which is worse is honestly not clear to me.
Most of CL is composed of the latter case. Most of the “amicable divorce” industry seems to be built on the former.
My ex FW was mostly paying for secks, but lined up at least one other female appliance for his life after divorce while we were were still married, and has been monkey-branching from female appliance to female appliance ever since (and is on wife #3, I believe). Does this show he’s won because he’s perpetually attracted and attached himself to an unwitting woman? Nope. Just means he can’t be alone with himself (read: his character and actions) and requires external validation from the current leading lady in the play of his life. Still the same shitty person he always was, others are interchangeable. With kids it hurts more. My ex FW was at least self aware enough not to reproduce any further, but our daughter was still left in the lurch around the same time yours was, OP. He’s the Uncle Dad who takes her every other weekend (ish) and doesn’t do any heavy lifting. I’m most mad and stuck on what he did years ago despite having moved on with my life and in no way wanting him back because of her. He hurt her too. Kids are props to them like we were, but that relationship is so much more complicated. That gut punch you feel is the echo of his shittiness.
Oh and I remember those times I saw happy couples or doting dads – the parents of my daughter’s classmates, the mommy/daddy and me swim classes with their infants/toddlers… and I would tear up thinking about what my daughter and I had been robbed of because of his checked out selfishness. It honestly still twists up my insides a bit. You can’t get back what they took away. You can, however, move onto something better…if nothing else simply because it’s lacking one soul-sucking FW.
“You can, however, move onto something better…if nothing else simply because it’s lacking one soul-sucking FW.”
My oldest once looked at me after we installed our window AC units for the summer. She said “we never did that before, and still we got it done so fast and without any screaming.” And she was right, that chore used to be his and it was unbearable bc we had to assist him and he would just lose his mind like a sugar-bloated infant the entire time. And here we were, figuring it out, being less physically strong which does make it slightly less easy and we were…fine. There is so much peace in my home and we often forget what a win that is.
Just know that social media posts are not a good indicator of reality. My FW’s AP had “look how happy we are” posts with smiling children and rainbows and happiness up until the day before she left him and fled to another state to escape his abuse. My FW killed himself several months later, and when going through his (our) things, I found out that behind all that sunshine was constant verbal/physical altercations, alcoholism, abuse, mental health issues, attempted suicide (AP), etc. My point is, you have absolute no idea what their life is like. I just feel sorry for that baby with two disordered parents. Especially since my ex husband was a pretty decent partner (not perfect though; looking back I can see red flags but I missed them at the time and chalked it up to just adjusting to living with someone) UP UNTIL WE HAD A BABY. He started to become very abusive because I wasn’t working and was vulnerable. He resented that the baby got more attention than he did, he had issues with my postpartum body and my PPD, resented the added responsibility, etc. If your FW went out drinking and partying while you were pregnant/a new mom, I highly doubt he has significantly altered his character with this new family. AP may just be more willing to put up with his behavior, or is desperately trying to make it look like everything is rosy because that’s the only way to feel like she isn’t a horrible person for going after someone else’s husband.
I sincerely doubt that he married schmoopie and instantly became a morally upright and honest person. I also doubt that he’s stopped cheating. Remember, he abandoned you in a time of bulging bellies and leaky nipples and the aches and pains of post partum. Why would you think he’d change his ways? I don’t think so, and I don’t even know him. So she’s had his baby. You’ve already proved he won’t stay the course. You’ve already proved he’s a dirtball. Either she will find out soon, or she’s the one busy spackling. Block them on social media, and live your best life FW free.
My wise therapist says “Feelings are information, but we have to be patient to be sure we understand what the information really is.”
Your feelings when you see these posts are of course intense and hurt. But it doesn’t mean he’s amazing/reformed now. If anything it just shows he’s repeating that same pattern and that you know how it can end. If it doesn’t end that way, it’s only because he gets some new selfishness fix elsewhere. He’s still who his is.
Often overly happy social media posts aren’t reality, they are people trying to convince themselves. The happiest families I know are too busy to be prolific social media posters. They say their heartfelt feels to each other face to face every day.
Your feelings don’t mean you’re not over him or did anything wrong. It’s normal to grieve the childhood you wanted your daughter to have, even a hypothetical one. To grieve who you thought or hoped he was. Feel your feelings for a bit, then keep on walking with your head held high and focus on helping your daughter navigate this new change and any feelings she has. You sound amazing and have built something he isn’t capable of.
Well, it hurts because you’re human.
It also hurts because of the story going on in your head about all this that you’re writing about it.
The hardest part of recovery from betrayal is getting control of my mind back. My thoughts, beliefs, perspective, opinions, insights. My mind turned into a hostile AI data center, a minefield of triggers to navigate daily.
It’s been eight years since DDay for me. I have accepted that I now have a war wound that can still sometimes get triggered.
Because men can have children until the day they die, there is always a chance Traitor Ex could have other children. There is also the chance he has already had other children.
It would throw me.
Then I would have to get busy talking some truth out loud to get me out the tree. I’d also have a chat with my trusted friends who understand and probably process it in a therapy session with my very excellent therapist.
After acknowledging how I was feeling, here’s where I would end up:
They did not get character transplants, and character drives decisions. They did not automatically miraculously transform into decent trustworthy honorable noble people because they are now public with their relationship and had a baby.
I’d stop speculating that they were enjoying Healthy Happy Family dynamics. They’ve both proven they don’t have those skillsets. It’s essential to stop writing stories in my head based on outside appearances. (Epstein, anyone?)
I’d feel sorry for the new baby.
Wonderful people don’t screw around with people in committed relationships, and wonderful people in committed relationships don’t screw around. And people who are not wonderful get pregnant and have babies all the time.
If I slam my thumb in the door, it will take a bit of time to stop throbbing. This news is like getting your thumb slammed in the door, so naturally it will take a bit of time to pass.
I don’t control what happens.
I do control how I respond, and controlling how I respond to triggering news and the accompanying thoughts and feelings is just a daily practice, no matter the circumstances that caused the upset.
You can’t control getting thrown. You can control how you respond when you get thrown.
As someone here said the other day, the harm to others caused by affairs does not have the visual impact of black eyes, bruises, broken bones, or stab wounds. And I am not envious in the least of people who have the capacity to harm others with impunity.
♥️
“Character is fate.”
-Heraclitus
People who practice dishonesty cannot enjoy the far superior spoils and benefits that come from living in integrity.
Practicing honesty is a portal to an incredible VIP section of life that remains closed to those who are dishonest.
I had season tickets for my local NL baseball team. It was a really nice exclusive section ten rows behind home plate. Unfortunately, the relaxed and peaceful atmosphere was occasionally ruined by drunken riff raff. Anyone who could afford the tickets could sit there.
Not so with integrity. The quality of your time here on earth and the seating section you have access to is determined by the behavioral standards you set for yourself and limiting your associates to those with similar standards.
At the end of the day, what really happened is that Traitor Ex found associates who share his values and I can take his departure as a huge compliment.
(I still feel sad for the baby.)
PS…
For what it’s worth, before DDay I truly believed I had a solid relationship with a really nice guy and the garden variety everyday issues that are a natural part of any relationship.
I found out that was a MIRAGE.
I do have solid evidence that things are not enviable and admirable and desirable in Traitor Ex’s and the side piece’s world. It’s that their relationship started out by blowing past the biggest red flags made by Red Flag Manufacturing Inc; betraying a committed partner and being willing to be a side piece.
Trustworthiness is the foundation of any healthy relationship.
Their actions prove they don’t have it.
If anyone should know that appearances are deceiving, it’s those of us here.
Consider this. I DIDN’T KNOW he had a secret sexual double life. I DID NOT HAVE a secret sexual double life. The side piece WAS KNOWINGLY PART OF his secret sexual double life. He KNOWS she is not trustworthy.
Yet they got in the car together and drove off into the sunset.
Ew. And good luck with that. Doesn’t seem like a smart move to me, but what do I know?
And Eva Braun thought she had a great guy too….
Not Spontaneous, I’m sure you’re starting to see a pattern here. Every one of us is saying that your daughter’s sperm donor and his Ho may look happy on the outside, but you don’t know what’s going on in the marriage.
From everything I’ve seen over my years looking at the cheaters and general narcissists files, they just get worse with age. However he treated you, he’s going to be worse with her. He cheated on you. He is or will cheat on her. And she already knows he’s a cheater so she’s the Chief Police of the Marriage. Or maybe she’s cheating on him. Who knows? They both suck. Trust me. They suck.
Your life will be happier if you block them both on social media. You can’t believe anything they post, so don’t look at it.
Dear Not Spontaneous,
Sorry to say your FW is not even original. Mine called me that too.
This requires some context: before we divorced, I spent 18 months looking after FW after an injury. I went from being a relatively carefree 31-year old to a being a caregiver pretty much overnight. I became the sole breadwinner, the sole housekeeper, had zero help from doctors (they actually made it worse for several months) and had to drive him to all the appointments and urgent care, while each visit made everything worse than the last. FW couldn’t move from the pain and even basic tasks became difficult, like getting dressed or grabbing a plate of food (too heavy!).
So one day, before I knew Schmoopie was a Schmoopie, he was much better but was still on sick leave, so he had time on his hands, came to talk to me while I was working and said “You see, I do not want to live life like this anymore. I want to be able to go here and there, do this and that without much planning. Like Schmoopie” (who was on holiday at the time, LOL). So I looked at him and simply said “Sure, I want to live on a perpetual holiday too”.
I felt so offended. I wasn’t being spontaneous not for lack of wanting to, but because I was crushing under my obligations.
And still he had the gall to walk up to me and tell me that.
—
Now, on to whether they are happy: you simply don’t know. Just think of other couples who surprised you when they broke up because you thought they were solid. Or how many people you know who are unhappy together but still won’t leave each other. They might be happy, or they might be one of those.
I say this as a master in mind movies full of unicorns. I spend most days believing my ex has a happy family now and he’s wonderful to new wife (not Schmoopie) and baby. But I actually have no data one way or the other.
Because it was impossible for me to stop the mind movies, I made an easier deal with my brain: I can make all the fairy-dust unicorn movies my brain happens to give me, but after those are finished, I will think up the opposite scenario and consciously make a mind movie about that. This actually did help. Trying to suppress them had only made it worse.
Being in the Senior age group and having survived two disgusting cheaters who’s timing for abandonment was incredibly thoughtless and cruel…you are missing NOTHING. A creep who can plant a baby and act more wonderful now? So what. Your question is the same as my sister who stayed with a creepy alcoholic and kept him because “he might get better and she would not want him getting sober for anyone else but her!!” So she lived miserable but a winner?
Perhaps when your marriage ends during your pick- me-dance, you may not have gotten to meh…not yet. You might have residual stories in your head telling you, you just didn’t ramp.up the dance enough to grab him back. Perhaps your new marriage is a difficult one too? It all takes work to recover. Please spend the time working on recovery and less watching him. You have zero idea of what’s going on behind close doors. Remember how other people used to think you were happy too.
Turn your eyes back to your life and consider your good fortune that wifetress can have all the fun now. And PS, it takes a cheater eons to mature and from my experience, only when they can’t cheat anymore, due to mechanical malfunctions, do they settle down. But still I have not seen a mature one.
Social media is a lie and we know it. How many people tell the truth of their real life including the FW they married. You won the dance, you gained a life and moved on from his nonsense. Wifetress now has a baby and is now not fun or spontaneous, so he is likely chatting up the new OW. After all, her former position is now open.
Not Spontaneous, first of all, I’m sorry. This is awful in a way I can’t comprehend, mostly because I haven’t been chumped. Yet.
Second, remember, FWs don’t change. As our leader Chump Lady says, they don’t get character transplants. So he’s almost certainly going to do the same thing to the AP.
Consequences.