Universal Bullshit Translator
Introducing our favorite machine — the Universal Bullshit Translator. Fueled by snark and cookies, the UBT decodes all manner of Stupid Sh*t Cheaters Say. Pretentious Schoompie emails. Drunk texts from your ex. Victim-blaming news articles. Got a tasty snack for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Send it to [email protected].
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UBT: She Cheated Because She Was Lonely
In the Telegraph, a woman explains that she cheated on her husband because she was “lonely” and couldn’t express herself. The Universal Bullshit Translator is here for it. *** An alert chump sent me Alex Croxford’s confessional in the Telegraph, “I know why women cheat on their husbands – I did it myself.” My first… -
UBT: “You’re Incapable of Forgiveness”
When she declined his offer to “try again” he said she’s “incapable of forgiveness.” And sent a barrage of hateful texts. *** Dear Chump Lady, I’ve been divorced since February but now my ex is asking if we can “try again.” His last text tirade started with, “I miss you so much and want to… -
UBT: I Cheated Because You’re Stale
He asked her why she cheated 7 months into their marriage and she said it was because he was “stale.” *** Dear Chump Lady, I’m about 6 months out from D-Day, and a few weeks short of when I found out my now ex-wife was having an affair. I suppose on the grand scale of… -
‘I Found the OW’s Goodbye Letter in My Safe’
She found the Other Woman’s goodbye letter in their company safe, where she dumps him for being too old. *** Dear Chump Lady, I run a business with my soon-to-be-ex husband who’s been having an affair with one of our employees. I found this letter in our company safe last week. You want something for… -
UBT: I Didn’t Know How to Express My Unhappiness
His wife went to therapy and explained her affairs by saying she “didn’t know how” to express her “unhappiness.” What does that even mean? Can the Universal Bullshit Translator explain? *** Hi Chump Lady, I’m 7 months out from D-Day, 40-year old chump, married 15 years with 2 sons. Some highlights I discovered: My ex… -
UBT: Other Men Explain Their Affairs
The Universal Bullshit Translator digests some clickbait about why Other Men have affairs with married women. As if we care about their dunderheaded rationales… *** I found this obnoxious piece of dreck “17 ‘Other Men’ Explain What It’s Like To Have An Affair With A Married Woman” by Jessica Winters because it was linked to Chump… -
UBT: Maybe Our Problem Is We Work Too Well Together
The Universal Bullshit Translator digests this unique mindf*ck — it’s not that this betrayed husband sucks, it’s just that his wife had to cheat because they work too well together. Huh? Exactly. *** Dear Chump Lady, This is from my then wife of just shy of 10 years with whom I have three daughters. She sent… -
UBT: He Left and Took the Soup
He cheated and left her. But not before leaving her dirty dishes and taking the soup she’d just made. WTF? *** Hello Chump Lady, I have been an avid follower of your blog since my soon-to-be ex left. We were together nearly 4 years, married for less than a year, when he announced he no… -
UBT: “An Optimist’s Guide to Divorce”
The UBT digests a Modern Love column “The Optimist’s Guide to Divorce” written by a mistress who won the pick me dance. *** Thanks Modern Love of the New York Times for yet another romantic tale of conscious uncoupling. This last Sunday’s column was an OW’s cute How We Met story — Mother’s Day (the… -
UBT: I Was Just ‘Experimenting’
The Universal Bullshit Translator explains “I wasn’t cheating, I was experimenting.” Isn’t it nice to be their own personal Petri dish? *** Brad submitted this bit of mindeffery to the Universal Bullshit Translator: “I had to sleep with him to figure out if I wanted to take things to the next level with you.” She… -
Esther Perel: “Sometimes You Need to Betray the Social Order”
Esther Perel writes cryptically about relationships: “Sometimes you have to betray the social order” to create something “better.” Is this more Orwellian doublespeak how infidelity makes marriage stronger? I’m updating this column, because it’s good to remind the world that Esther Perel, who has rebranded as a trauma specialist, has been describing cheating as liberation… -
UBT: I Had an Affair With My Friend’s Wife. Should I Tell Him?
Once again the Ethicist fumbles with a FW who asks “I had an affair with my friend’s wife — should I tell? And of course the “Ethicist” advises to keep the secret. *** I can’t even with The Ethicist in the New York Times. I think this is the bazillionth time he’s answered a letter…
POPULAR POSTS
The posts everyone sends their friends.
What Marriage Counselors Get Wrong About Infidelity
Marriage counseling on infidelity usually presumes reconciliation. Like this article in the Washington Post that the Universal Bullshit Translator recently pilloried — “Should an Affair Be Disclosed?…
When Does the Pain Stop? (Tuesday)
When does the pain of betrayal stop hurting? Why can’t she see him for who he really is and throw him out? *** Dear Chump Lady, Tonight is a hard night for some reason. It has been 11 months since D-Day. And since then stories of other affairs and how long I have been a…
My Ex Is Introducing Her Affair Partner to the Kids
He’s recently divorced and distressed that his ex wants to introduce her affair partner to the kids. They don’t know mom cheated. *** Dear Chump Lady, Here is my situation. I’m 6 months divorced from my wife of 15 years. We have 4 kids, ages 5, 7, 9, and 11 (yes, we planned well). Long…
Tell Me How You’re Mighty
Tracy, co-host Sarah Gorrell and guests talk infidelity, recovery, and the mysteries of the karma bus.
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