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4 Reasons Why Gaslighting Works
As manipulation goes, it doesn’t seem like there’s any reason gaslighting should work. It isn’t concealing the truth (lying) — it’s denying a reality you have actual evidence of. Gaslighter Jim: Nice dog you have there. Bob: That’s a pygmy goat. Gaslighter Jim: What breed is it? Labrador? Newfie? Bob: PYG-MY! Goat! Gaslighter Jim: I… -
How to Have Boundaries with Teens: Cool, Bummer, Wow
How to have boundaries with your teens when they want to talk about the affair partner? Deflect with Cool, Bummer, Wow. *** Dear Chump Lady, Please help! I do not know how to navigate this entire divorce mess with my two teenage daughters. My youngest sees her father every other weekend. This includes time spent… -
Financial Abuse and Your D-Day
Financial abuse usually goes hand in hand with cheating. Double lives cost money. Today’s guest post is by Vickie Adams, a certified financial planner / certified divorce financial analyst discussing the financial risks post-D-Day. (Men, this advice goes for you too. Please forgive the gender pronouns.) The professional advice and opinions belong to Vickie. I’m updating… -
I Love You But I’m Not In Love with You
“I love you but I’m not in love with you” is a cheater classic. It’s so ubiquitous that it has its own acronym ILYBINILWY. Chumps misunderstand this statement as a definitive goodbye I’m leaving for my Schmoopie! when really it’s more subtle than that. It’s cake speak and impression management. Can someone dump you and… -
When You Can’t Leave Because You Still ‘Love’ Them
Are you stuck and can’t leave a cheater because you still love them? Some love isn’t good for you and it isn’t love. *** Anyone else notice this phenomenon? On infidelity forums, you’ll read a thread describing a thousand horrors and humiliations and invariably it ends — “but I love him.” But I love him…. -
My Ex Is Introducing Her Affair Partner to the Kids
He’s recently divorced and distressed that his ex wants to introduce her affair partner to the kids. They don’t know mom cheated. *** Dear Chump Lady, Here is my situation. I’m 6 months divorced from my wife of 15 years. We have 4 kids, ages 5, 7, 9, and 11 (yes, we planned well). Long… -
Fairy Dust Forgiveness After Cheating
What does real forgiveness look like after cheating? Is it even necessary? One of my most popular posts here is on the difference between real remorse and genuine imitation Naugahyde remorse. This is a post on the difference between true forgiveness and fairy dust forgiveness. I like a good forgiveness story as much as the next… -
How Do You Trust Again?
Anyone who’s ever been cheated on wonders: How do you ever trust again? To just say, oh you have to trust again! may come across as flippant, or minimizing the trauma of betrayal. That’s what’s so insidious about infidelity — the total investment of it. I suppose infidelity doesn’t hurt if you aren’t that invested,… -
Close Encounters with Affair Partners
Here’s an etiquette dilemma Emily Post completely skipped over — what do you say when running into your ex’s affair partner? Hello home wrecker! Give my regards to Cheater and the other Schmoopies. Oh, you didn’t know about the other Schoompies? Kiss, kiss. Bye! Running into an affair partner is exquisitely awkward. Must you say… -
How to Deal When Your Ex Married the Affair Partner
He was enjoying his new life until his ex married her affair partner. For some reason, their summer wedding rocked his world and he can’t trust that they suck. *** Dear Chump Lady, I should be one of your success stories. Before I even knew about you and the good, mind cleansing stuff you push… -
What Marriage Counselors Get Wrong About Infidelity
Marriage counseling on infidelity usually presumes reconciliation. Like this article in the Washington Post that the Universal Bullshit Translator recently pilloried — “Should an Affair Be Disclosed? Risks of Hiding or Revealing Infidelity“. Its author, therapist Yael Schonbrun, reached out to me. I’m working on a book about misunderstandings between people and would love to… -
Kids and the Affair Partner(s). The Unavoidable Shit Sandwich.
How do I protect my kids from the affair partner(s)? How do I shield my kids from this new blended family that’s been inflicted on them? And…Hell, we’re not even divorced, and she’s already introduced the kids to my replacement. What can I do? I get these questions a lot. And I have the same…
POPULAR POSTS
The posts everyone sends their friends.
What Marriage Counselors Get Wrong About Infidelity
Marriage counseling on infidelity usually presumes reconciliation. Like this article in the Washington Post that the Universal Bullshit Translator recently pilloried — “Should an Affair Be Disclosed?…
When Does the Pain Stop? (Tuesday)
When does the pain of betrayal stop hurting? Why can’t she see him for who he really is and throw him out? *** Dear Chump Lady, Tonight is a hard night for some reason. It has been 11 months since D-Day. And since then stories of other affairs and how long I have been a…
My Ex Is Introducing Her Affair Partner to the Kids
He’s recently divorced and distressed that his ex wants to introduce her affair partner to the kids. They don’t know mom cheated. *** Dear Chump Lady, Here is my situation. I’m 6 months divorced from my wife of 15 years. We have 4 kids, ages 5, 7, 9, and 11 (yes, we planned well). Long…
Tell Me How You’re Mighty
Tracy, co-host Sarah Gorrell and guests talk infidelity, recovery, and the mysteries of the karma bus.
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