The Affair Was a ‘Distraction’
NFL Patriots coach Mike Vrabel is under scrutiny for an apparent long-term affair, but calls it a “distraction.” The Friday Challenge is your best minimization.
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Cheaters love to minimize.
I don’t understand what the big deal is. Why are you so upset? Tis but a trifle.
Probably the most common cheater minimization is that the affair was a “mistake.” Singular. Like forgetting your car registration is due. Could happen to anyone.
In the toolkit of mindeffery, minimization is a useful tactic. It immediately makes the chump look like the idiot here. You’re overreacting. The cheater is the sane, rational adult in the room. If only you could stop being so hysterical, cooler heads might prevail.
It’s condescending, infuriating, and will likely (as intended) drive you into further fits of outrage, therefore underscoring your mental instability.
Mike Vrabel’s affair is a ‘distraction’
In the news cycle right now is the (alleged, but it sure quacks like a f*ck) long term affair between NFL Patriot’s coach Mike Vrabel and (former) New York Times Athletic’s reporter Dianna Russini. They denied it. Vrabel called it laughable. Then oops, photos emerged. Then oops, more photos emerged. And now the (alleged) affair is a “distraction.”
(I wrote a long snarky column about this yesterday, but my server crashed and my whole day was spent regretting my blogger life choices. We’re back now. Or maybe my site is on the IT San Andreas fault. I don’t know. I’m this close to taking up goat farming. )
Anyway, a DISTRACTION.
His Schmoopie got sh*t canned from her job. (He keeps his, of course he does.) His wife and family just learned about his long-term perfidy in the most humiliating of ways. But it’s a DISTRACTION.
From what? Football?
F*ck you very much Mike Vrabel.
But it does make for a Friday Challenge. What was the best cheater minimization you got? What mountain did they declare a molehill?
Distract us.
TGIF!
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Mine told me that all I had to do was stand by him while he dated publicly.The affair would have run its course and he would have come home when the excitement of no longer hiding his serial cheating wore off.
He never would have filed for divorce and our split was (is) my fault.
I do think these two in the news are typical unremarkable entitled cheaters. She did not work for him or have any effect on his job performance. She should have lost her husband, not her job. He,the same.
Unfortunately as they are married to semi public people, the two betrayed spouses found out in a humiliating public way. They did not deserve that.
My impression is that he’s not wrong: it’s pretty rare for the first infidelity to be a marriage-ending one, so there’s a pretty good chance that he (and FWs in general) wouldhave come back.
It’s some combination of (1) when they’re starting the affair they can’t tell if this person is really worth nuking the marriage for, and (2) there are a lot of logistical details to take care of when you’re swapping one partner for another (not least financial) so a lot of affairs can’t make it to the “everything is in place to officially abandon my spouse” stage because it’s just so much work. Realistically, any single affair (particularly early ones, where they’re still honing their craft) isn’t likely to graduate to being the exit affair. How much do you actually know? Dollars to donuts this isn’t his first affair so he knows – through experience – that he does have affairs and he does come back to you.
My strong impression is that eventually they improve their technique / find a willing affair partner / catch feelings so that eventually a run-of-the-mill affair becomes a marriage-ender, but often they’re in denial about this which lets them tell us (and themselves) that it’s not a big deal: they’ll return to the marriage and we’ll never know. Which is all true right up until the time that it isn’t. It’s sort of analogous to drunk driving: it’s irresponsible and dangerous to you and the people around you and in the long run you’re pretty much guaranteed to destroy someone’s life, but the chance that any particular incidence will be calamitous is low enough that people convince themselves that it’s OK.
Now, whether you want to take him back is a completely different question.
Your FW was completely delulu. Did he really think you’d tolerate that?
Oops. Replied in wrong place.
he did, and 4 years later he stands by all of his delusions.
!!!
Sheesh, mine basically said the same thing. He just needed to figure out if what he was doing was REAL or an infatuation and I was supposed to just be patient and let him figure it out by letting him go visit her for a week and then come home. Was he insane? He said that in a therapist’s office by the way. Privately, therapist told me to get him out of the house as he was delusional and get a lawyer. i did. Also he never would have filed so yes, that was my fault so he did all he could to delay it for 4 years.
Do these people ever LISTEN to themselves? (rhetorical question)
This one never did, he really thought he had a viable solution to “our” little dilemma. After all, he had a RIGHT to be happy, right? It didn’t matter at all that he destroyed a family and will never ever ever see his two grandchildren. He just doesn’t care.
There are circumstances other than an affair between management-boss and employee/direct report that also merit losing one’s job. Russini was a reporter for the NYT, and her affair with Vrabel meant her objectivity as a reporter was compromised. In my book, that means she very much should have lost her job.
My ex had an affair with a coworker who was his subordinate. He would have been fired, might have lost his entire career. I wanted to report it to the company but my attny told me not to because it would affect my support. I had the letter and documentation ready to go. I kind of wish I had.
Exactly. My ex didn’t get fired but he got busted. He was in a mgt position where the mayor had to trust him. He blew that to he– and back, so he got busted and put back on patrol. She got moved to another position and was so inept she got fired a few months later. Of course she was his direct report; but had she even been outside his circle, he still would have been demoted and for the same reason.
I was a mountain, a monumental woman (even if I am 5 ft 1 in)that he tried to make into a molehill. The daughter of 2 highly traumatized penniless refugee immigrants who saw their families murdered, who spoke no English; I was a miracle. I flew through school, skipping a grade and then skipping senior year to attend a prestigious private university where I graduated summa cum laude in 3 years, and then went on to earn my PhD at another prestigious private university. He took years and years at numerous 2 year colleges until he finally squeaked through and graduated. Barely. I didn’t realize how he minimized me until he was gone. His countless betrayal objects were laughable, infected, alcoholic, and boasted convictions and the accompanying mugshots. Trash. Failures at life in every realm. Read “It’s Not You. ” It explains so much of what this pathetic coach, and many of our ex -FWs were about. You are mighty. These guys aren’t worth your time.
Sincerely thank you for this opportunity given Nicolascaryb gmailcom) my spouse destroy my life but he (Nicolas ) helped me gain access to her phone without me touching her phone .
JWF…you sound really badass, welcome here even if Im very sad you need us. My Cheater totally discounted my awesomeness too. He liked to joke that I went to “janitor school” (Im a nurse and did clean things on occasion) bu before I was done, I contributed in the development and implementation of a new care-model used throughout the world. I lectured on 3 continents and was published 9 times.
Right back at you. Mine was also amazingly unimpressve. We are badasses. We had a powerful Barbie party at the gym when the movie came out. They made my badge with the nickname, “Badass Barbie.” I also regularly win 5 and 10ks in my over-70 age bracket. At altitude. We are a mighty crew of badasses here. If anyone is running the Colfax in 2 weeks, I will be there.
Denver chump! Send me your race schedule and I’ll be there. [email protected]
It’s Not You is a great book about life with a narcissist.
This was not my cheater, but here it goes anyway:
“I’ve only cheated once, but because [this AP] is an exception”.
The discussion after that was illuminating, as he admitted he knew exactly what he was doing, it absolutely was intentional, and that he knew he shouldn’t have been doing it. He also said he confessed to his partner at the time just because the guilt was eating him alive. He was very clear he did not confess out of concern for her and he would have shut up, had he been able to.
For me it was actually refreshing to hear this verbatim from a cheater.
It’s a pity though, because I actually like this guy a lot.
Sounds exactly like my soon-to-be-forgotten partner in western Mass. Someone actually came up to me this afternoon and cheerfully proclaimed how they can always pick him out in a crowd because of his unique style, and that’s why “we all like him!”…I muttered “I’m glad one of us does”. The friend I was with giggled.
Ever seen vintage 50s era Looney Tunes cartoons? The president of your ex’s local fan club sounds a lot like Miss Prissy from Foghorn Leghorn. 😀 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bq7VQc7kLAo
Where to start. After starting an affair ten years ago with a married junior colleague, he claimed he didn’t love me anymore because I was too harsh about insisting that he a. stop verbally abusing our son and b. not trusting him to pack for trips without forgetting things. Then he claimed he had a problem fantasizing about women in general while swearing there was no one in particular, all while the ow’s marriage blew up when her husband found out about the affair. When after years of RIC therapy I confronted him about weird text messages, he copped to an emotional affair but swore it was over and he had never touched her. Plus he claimed to have a drinking problem which sent the RIC into a tizzy. When I finally went into marriage cop mode and went through phone records he claimed he was having a NEW emotional affair all while making plans to start a new life with the same OW, who he had been stringing along with lies for years. He only admitted to the long term affair after the OW contacted me. I expect there were others as well as he started a new relationship immediately after dumping both me and the long term OW.
thank you for help (Nicolascaryb gmailcom)
D*mn.
So many cheaters seem convinced that betrayed spouses are stupid, just because we loved and trusted them. Boggles the mind.
Well, you do see the logic there, right? Like, “I’m a worthless, infectious, lying, cheating piece of shit, ergo anyone who loves me must be stupid.”
It’s sad how victims fall under the “umbrella” of FWs’ catastrophic lack of self worth. It’s kind of the dark opposite of chumps projecting their relative wholesomeness onto FWs.
They’re narcissists,. They think everybody is stupider than they are. Because they’re special.
That all the women were just friends and colleagues. That he would never actually leave me. Why would he when he could get his shits and giggles with his double life and eat cake? why would he want to leave his beloved wife appliance? Not all of them want to leave and start a new life, we offer stability. Thats why we need to leave and gain a new life.
I do believe Vrabel needed a Distraction. Hes living the high life as a coach, getting attention, money, having his ego fed. But these cheaters thrive on chaos, even all the above wasnt enough for him. He was still bored!!!!
Of course he wouldn’t leave you. Divorces are expensive and he’d have to start doing his own laundry.
Personally I think Vrabel felt entitled and thought he was untouchable. I mean, “when you’re a star they let you do it!” applies more widely to more than just a woman you want to grab by the …kitty.
I was reading some reviews of Louis Theroux’s documentary on the manosphere which noted how most of the knuckle-dragging subjects have major daddy issues since so much of their antics– including “scoring” with women– are about impressing other men.
So here you have this paunchy, aging white coach surrounded by the athletic gods of Mount Olympus in their prime, not to mention the gabillionaire global power figures who back professional teams. Basically his ego (and his willy) was wilting and needed fluffing.
It’s so similar to many of the “incel” types I knew personally. They kept complaining about how they had been bullied for being nerds, how they weren’t able to get the “hot” girls for unfair reasons etc. At the same time, they weren’t showing any compassion for a woman like me who had also been bullied because she was a nerd and didn’t fit very strict traditional gender stereotypes. I believe the only thing they truly cared about was their status among other men (and “conquering” women was mostly seen as a means to an end, nothing else).
Several people have noticed how this describes almost every single rapey power figure in Hollywood. In interviews, Weinstein has said he was a “nerdy guy,” “couldn’t get the girls” and stood “no chance against the athlete.”
It’s fascinating how some of the biggest losers and some men who (at least on the surface) appear to have it all together share the same line of thought. What they have in common, though, is how they perceive and treat women.
I’ve even met comparably “normal” and even handsome guys who were voicing similar ideas. Perhaps unsurprisingly, many of them were struggling to find long-term partners. Hopefully they didn’t turn into r*pists, but I think it’s possible some of them did.
I’ve seen the full gamut from ugly Don Juanabes to handsome straight arrows. I’ve also seen guys who might not be conventionally “hot” but still seemed attractive because they have character and “handsome” men who seem gross because they have none.
Good time for a PSA that cheaters will typically minimize their activities – to confuse, avoid consequences, etc. If they tell you it was one time, it was ten. If they tell you it was a month, it was years. I thought he was coming clean when he told me his cheating/h00ker habit started within the year after we got married, which was horrific enough. Looking back on it, there is a significant chance this was an always thing…like how he lived his life, treated any “significant” other. I saw hints prior to when we got married – even the feeling that I may have unintentionally cleaved some sort of girlfriend situation when we first started dating that he had described to me as a former work hookup. They lie like they breathe. I picture worms (my apologies to worms for the comparison) – perfectly happy to glide along underground, but flailing when brought to the surface. Vrabel is just as “wormy” as the rest of them.
He told me she was a lesbian……beat that one.
He told her that I was a lesbian
Haha, I had the reverse situation! She told me she was straight!
My FW said: “I don’t even like that woman. All I knew about her was that all the women hated her for some reason”. Yeah, right. He knew the reason she was disliked.
My exFW’s AP actually was a lesbian! Literally married to a woman. But it “meant nothing” and then exFW “had to go to a s$x worker to get the lesbian AP out of his mind”. *eyeroll*
I know that some perfectly harmless and honest people are “gender fluid” but, as a trauma psychologist who consulted with the advocacy service I worked for explained, narcissists often have wobbly gender identity and preference because they’re extreme opportunists when it comes to ego kibble and attention.
The two things shouldn’t be confused for each other because I think all sexually abusive people– regardless of stated identity/preference– have more in common with each other than they do with non-abusive individuals who claim the same identities/preferences. Police call these types “try-sexuals” because they’ll try to target anyone but I prefer a friend’s coinage– “abusosexual.” As an AIDS activist for decades who often spoke out on behalf of victims who contracted HIV due to rape, he argued that “abusosexual” should be its own identity category– basically lump them all together in order not to mix them up with non-predatory individuals of any persuasion.
It was only kissing!. ” Oh he didn’t paw you all over?…. you didn’t paw him back? Please! Crickets
Every time Ex-Mrs LFTT was confronted with evidence that was not conveniently aligned with her version of the narrative (AKA a bunch of lies that painted her as the victim and me as the one who was entirely in the wrong and whom deserved every single little thing that was coming to him) she would play the “that information is personal and so I don’t have to discuss it” card to minimise her perfidy and deflect responsibility.
By way of example:
So basically, any information that emerged that she felt did not fit with her narrative was distorted so that her wrongdoing was minimised and her responsibility shifted.
I do not miss her at all.
LFTT
FW narcopath was similar to your exW FW, horrific web of deception involving secret accounts, loans and credit cards. It can be overwhelming and a friend of mine is unable to cope right now with a similar situation.
Consider yourself lucky to be rid of her, while still young and of sound mind. That’s the even more horrifying alternative for chumps, the RIC way, only to be deceived /discarded when older and more vulnerable.
Sounds like exMrsLFTT and my exFW are champion gaslighters! My exFW was also amazing at acting like something that had just happened never happened, something that he just said he had never said. Toward the end I found it absolutely fascinating! How someone can twist reality like that is astounding to me.
MW,
If your ExFW is anything like Ex-Mrs LFTT then you have my sympathy. I’m guessing that they both work to the same “Play Book.”
LFTT
When I insisted infidelity be addressed in our counseling sessions, he pointed out that he had known his “friend” longer than he knew me. We had been married 30 years. She was married to his best friend for 40 years. Put me in my place for a minute. Then I filed.
So who he was actually married to didn’t count? What a great example of cheater (il)logic!
As a Pats nation Massachusetts resident, I’m very disappointed and disgusted by not only Mike Vrabel’s actions and minimization but also the fanbase reaction – as it was reported he got a standing ovation from fans amid this scandal. He has always been portrayed as a pragmatic, quality, family man with strong character. That is the role he chose to portray and why he was so loved here. We can’t unlearn the reality. I find him dishonest, phoney, and unsupportable. What a disappointment of a man and those who cheer him on.
https://www.usmagazine.com/sports/news/mike-vrabel-gets-standing-ovation-amid-dianna-russini-drama/
Standing ovation – eww yuck.
Im sure he isnt getting one at home. Money doesnt fix this but if Mrs V leaves, she would likely be taking millions with her. Speaking of millions….his OW was making over $1million per year at the job she quit. Jobs are hard to get these days. I would be surprised if she could get another as good as that one.
One think I noticed is that the pictures of Mike V that I saw reading the story…all the photos with his wife showed him with a big (sincere looking) smile while in the photos with the OW, he looked strained.
She’ll probably start a podcast! Although from what I know about that, most podcasters actually don’t make money that way.
There were a number of times during our long-distance separation that my ex said, “This is nothing. If you want to make it work, you will.” As broken as I was, I got that where we were was on him. I had to stop accommodating his bad behavior.
He was the one who chose the beach instead of us and refused to tell me how he was spending his time. He walked the beach and made new “friends.” He was retired with time on his hands.
I stayed in the family home with the unhappy college kids and all of the explanations and adjustments that had to be made. I worked three jobs and somehow kept life going so the kids wouldn’t have to drop out of college. I decided he would have to live with the consequences. I refused to reconcile and never regretted that.
When I finally sat in front of my attorney, he commented that I seemed to have let go. Yes, I had. Divorcing felt bad to me, but I was over the marriage at that point. Going no-contact and letting my attorney handle everything strengthened my resolve, and I truly hit meh when I saw that the judge had signed off.
That my leaving the lights on when I left a room was equivalent to his having a secret sexual basement, because both were based on disrespect. Much to his chagrin, I laughed like a hyena…a disrespectful one.
Haha my ex loved to make a thing out of me leaving lights on, which was crazy making because I almost never did! But even if I had a problem with that, SO WHAT?!
He really did his best to paint me as incapable, diminutive, and weak (I am now proud to own I am very much the opposite), and over the years it did begin to erode my sense of self. His nickname for me was “mouse” (also “baby [another nickname]”, to the point where everyone just knew me as that. It was “affectionate” but it was demeaning, and it really wasn’t me.
I think all this was a way for him to keep me off balance and maintain the upper hand, all while minimizing and distracting from his major faults — even before cheating was known. Once cheating came to light, he was mostly too controlling and arrogant to show remorse or try to make it up to me. Your comment just reminded me of a time he said his (former) alcoholism and serial cheating were akin to my nail biting. Nobody’s perfect!
Once he was found out, my cheater kept referring to his relationship with his underling at work as his “friendship” with her. Totally implying that I was overreacting.
He never got fired, and she *eventually* quit on her own timing. Maddening!
My XH did that too – it wasn’t an emotional affair it was a friendship. When actually it was a sexual affair that had been going on for years….
It is so silly the way they try to twist things.
He could have had friends while you were married. The problem with this particular one was that they were secretly involved in a sexual relationship for years while he was married.
He’d set the story that we’d parted amicably (I was crawling around the floor). Then when I asked was there someone else a couple of weeks later, he admitted he was ‘seeing’ someone, they were ‘only dating’, had ‘been on a date’ ‘been on a couple of dates’. She had given him a black silicone extending anal vibrator/cock ring 3 weeks after the ‘separation, no one else involved’ story, which I found in his bedside drawer.
Needless to say, plenty of evidence arrived later, but he still clung to the story that their relationship began after ‘we’d separated’ (he delivered his sudden decision). What a Fuckwit.
P.s. I really miss Fuckwit of the Week!
I have remarried and my wife’s EX was a FW too. He told their young adult children that the relationship with the other woman did not start until after the divorce, and that she had already been cheating with me. All of which was a lie, especially since I never met her until she was divorced. Then he required their kids to acknowledge this lie as the truth in order to stay in relationship with them. Not unlike denying the 2020 election results to work for the current administration.
Holy crazy! It’s downright abusive to the kids and sets them up for chumpdom later. I hope your partner did not play along with the charade
Definitely not.
She told her kids the true timeline if they wanted to talk about it.
Fw also said ‘I’ve been faithful to you for 37 years!’ Yeah, that’s kind of what we promised isn’t it? Award ceremony starts at 3.
Organize a parade in his honor.
The saddest part is how FW says that with NO irony. They were faithful 37 years. With you 37 years. And if they wanted out, they could have gotten out ethically, rather than cheating after 37 years together.
If you can’t be bothered to extend that courtesy/respect to your partner of 37 years? What kind of person are you.
37 years is a long time. And I can only imagine the things you had weathered together before the affair.
During the B-Day explosion of my discovery, and my telling him he was a lying, cheating POS, he blurts out ” I was a good husband, I only cheated on you a handful of times!” Can’t get much more minimizing that that, HUH? Geesh, what a FW.
My exFW actually wrote a book about what a good husband he was! He literally made one of those photo albums you can make yourself online and printed it up for me. It was filled with photos from our marriage and countless paragraphs about the ways that he “went above and beyond as a husband and father”. Never mind the fact that he was cheating on me during the entirety of our 30 year marriage. My therapist was flabbergasted when I showed her. I threw it away.
Wow! A for effort?
mine wasn’t nearly so enterprising but did want me to agree that the seggs had been good. No, I did not pass up the opportunity to wince and say, “meh.”
Obviously Molly, you should have put up a chart and given FW gold stars for good behavior. You weren’t fulfilling his praise kink. The entitlement of these guys is endless.
“When this is all over I had hoped that we will still be friends.”
A double tap.
Minimizing the damage and making the outcome be my fault.
“Hey FW, maybe if you ended our marrige ethically rather than cheating on me, we COULD have found a way back to friendship”
Mine hates that I won’t be his friend. Well, my friends are all amazing. And not one of them has ever tried to destroy me. Why would I want HIM as a friend?
This is what gets me. Surely it’s obvious that cheating on your spouse (and in my case leaving your spouse for the affair partner) is guaranteed to make “let’s be friends after the divorce” be so, so, so much more unlikely? If you really wanted us to have an amicable divorce and transition to friendship, you would have ended our marriage cleanly and respectfully.
I get that FW was head-over-heels and couldn’t wait to dump me so she could spend maximum time with AP. I do. I understand it (well, I’m not sure I understand it but I observed it happening so I acknowledge that it’s a real thing). But just admit that this was a choice that you – a fully competent adult – made with the totally foreseeable likely consequence that I am not going to be a big fan afterwards. You’re allowed to have an affair and nuke your marriage! But be honest that there are ramifications for doing so, one of them being that we are not going to be friends afterwards. If you want to be treated with respect, as an adult, then you need to accept that I will assume that you – a competent adult – could foresee the likely outcome of your actions (we are not going to be friends after this!) and that – after weighing the pros and cons of the affair partner vs your husband – you decided that that was what you wanted. Why are you now blaming me because you got what you wanted and had to have known would happen?
Honestly, the circumstances of the divorce didn’t start us off very amicably but we’re years past that now and I really do think that we’d be in a better place if she’d managed to treat me as an actual person with feelings about how our marriage ended. For instance, don’t try to bully me into “blended family counseling” with you and AP. If you want us to be able to casually talk about the kids, don’t bring the AP with you every time you pick them up. I’m not going to chitchat with him about my kids. An admission that “yeah, that happened” would help too. I’m not asking for an apology because I know that’s too much to hope for; I’m not even asking for “what happened was hard on you”; I’m just asking you to acknowledge, out loud, that what we both lived through actually happened.
End of rant.
We share two adult sons and two, soon to be three grandchildren. I see her at family events, but I keep her at arms length. It would be nice if we could be friends and like you said, it could have been possible if she wasn’t lying, cheating and manipulative. Or maybe even said she was truly sorry. But that’s just who she is…
I got the same thing, phrased as “When we’re over the hard part [he was referring to the in-progress divorce] I hope we can still be friends.” Neatly making it my fault is “we” couldn’t.
She doubled down when she told me at one point that she wanted to reconcile, but knew “I would never forgive her.” More minimizing, more blaming.
I got, “Our problem was communication, but I didn’t feel I could talk to you.” As you say, more minimizing, more blaming.
The affair with my partner was never a love it was just a cheating distraction that ruined something real . Up to today I still regret my life because I trusted her and didn’t believe she was a cheat . But thank God I came across( Nicolascaryb gmailcom) he helped me spy into my partners phone without her consent
Thank you for dropping his details, at first i thought it was a scam but i gave it a try ..He has given me a proof i need to file a divorce against my wife … Thank you for saving my career
The affair was a distraction, loyalty would have been better story . Though I didn’t want to put this story here but some people might not believe but it’s the truth .. I was with a toxic and dishonest woman but I didn’t have proof until ( Nicolascaryb @ gmail.com came to my rescue. Giving me access into her phone without me touching her phone within just 12hours . Please contact him if you need to know maybe your partner is a cheat or loyal .
Spam Alert!
My exFW minimized absolutely everything he did wrong. And, to make matters so much worse, he joined SAA where they keep the cheaters coming back by telling them that everything they did was out of their control. They use minimizing language like “acting out” instead of “cheating”. They have “slips” not “affairs” and the spouse is a horrible person if they don’t accept this behavior and understand. Such crap!
Disgusting. The euphemisms are the tell.
“I’m surprised you’re taking it so badly.”
I’m sorry my behavior during our 30 years together gave him the expectation that I would take it well. Clearly, it was time for me to set different expectations. Filing for divorce seemed to realign our understanding nicely.
Oh I just laughed out loud at “I’m surprised you are taking it so badly”
My FW has never said those words, but his shock at how little I will have to do with him reflects the same sentiment.
In my case, I WAS a total doormat during our marriage. He was emotionally abusive and it took the affair and therapy for me to get out. So my prevous behavior probably did make him think he could count on me to stick around as an appliance and use me to look like a good guy. I think I really did shock the FW by leaving and going low contact. But I still laugh because no, I don’t care how much of a wuss I HAD been, I wasn’t going to become some sexless sister wife to the AP. For WHAT? To keep HIM around? No thanks.
I’m so proud of how we’ve both grown and changed!
ME TOO!!!!
Sometimes when I am not having a very mighty day, maybe he reaches out about the kids and tries to pick a fight and I get those physical signs of fear/anxiety, shakey, sweaty hands, heart racing, I feel like I haven’t made any progress. Some days it wouldn’t matter what he said to me, nothing would affect me. Others, it’s like I am right back to the worst of it all. And I hate those bad days. I am so impatient to be fully at meh. But the truth is, just the fact that I am out of the marriage is HUGE. That took SO much. And most days I am at meh. Better than meh. Most days I can deal with him swiftly with no shakiness.
So I think I need to remember that this really is HUGE progress. And the bad days are so rare, and they aren’t really based in reality. For example, if he gives me a hard time, sure I get physically upset, but mentally I KNOW he is being unreasonable. I hold my boundaries. I do all the mighty things.
The shakiness is a physical response that is leftover from all the trauma. And that doesn’t come from logic. It’s my body reacting the way it always has to him. That will go away with time.
Oooo…ooo…I want to play. Here are some my FW’s gems:
And that’s only some of the gems? Your fw is an overachiever. But makes me wonder, how often do these dirtbags weaponize their therapy?
At the time I did not even have the vocabulary to describe what he was doing to me. He often triangulated his therapist with me. It was the perfect mind**k because I could never confirm anything with his therapist. My FW was supposedly in therapy for 12 of our 20 years together. Not one sign of growth or change in all that time. But he did learn a whole new vocabulary which he gleefully weaponized. I was soooo naive back then.
Ugh, don’t get me started on phones and privacy. A generation ago, homes had one (maybe two) phoneline(s) and you could check the phone bill to see who was calling the house and when.
The weaponization of what counts as “abusive behavior.” Most of the time, it’s great that we’re calling lots of things abuse that previously weren’t considered, but not everything is abuse.
Of course what he was doing: lying, gaslighting, and cheating was never described as abuse. Only my reactions to these things were ever described as abuse. I doubt any therapist ever said what he said they said. And if one of his many therapists over the years actually did say that my behaviour was abusive, I am certain it was incorrectly contextualized or even created out of thin air.
One of his favourite rhetorical techniques when he was caught red handed (I was a damn fine Marriage Police Detective and Crown Attorney) was:
“Were mistakes made? Yes they were. Should I have behaved better? You might argue that, Should I have told you the truth? Well I wanted to but you know how you overreact”
Asking and answering with an impact minimizing statement was so infuriating back then, Now it is just funny.
A different reporter, Crissy Froyd with USA Today, was fired for tweeting about Russini (the AP) when all of this hit the papers. She said of Russini: “We know who you really are and what you’ve been up to for years. It does so much detriment to women in sports who have done things the right way.”
She also said Russini has been “hooking up with married NFL coaches” for a long time. “All of us do know what she’s been up to … It was the worst kept secret in the NFL reporting world for a while.”
It’s ridiculous that Froyd lost her job for stating the truth.
Yes, I do believe Vrabel means that all of this is a distraction from football. That statement is an incredible insult to his already-injured wife. Just stomp on your family even harder, dude, sheesh. I hope she is able to get out.
Recently caught my FW trying to set up an appt for a ‘happy ending’ massage. He didn’t know I was listening to his phone call (he had it on speaker as he didn’t think I was home). He hangs up and I go in the room and ask, “who was that?” Without missing a beat, “oh that was just John M and I was setting up coffee with him.” Me: “and he now sounds like an Asian woman??” As his not sharp 85 yo brain scrambles to think…..I start hammering him with questions and he answers away. According to him, no harm no foul here with these women because there was no actual intercourse so there is no infidelity. Yep, tough to do the deed when your equipment has the standup capability of cooked angel hair pasta!
And then there were the emails with the prostitutes in Colombia! Even richer! He was wiring them money (as in thousands!) and said he wanted to start a foundation (I kid you not!) for these poor women to help better their circumstances. Me: “….while eff-wadian men such as yourself exploit them sexually under the guise of philanthropy?? I don’t think that can qualify as a 501c3 but ya might double check on that!” Special kind of stupid…..
I hope you are able to get out and to get a good lawyer who will leverage that theft of thousands of dollars of marital funds.
When I discovered my H at the time was getting everything massaged at Asian Massage parlors, he said,
« You’re making too much out of this. I didn’t have an affair. I didn’t fall in love with anyone else. I want only you. » At that point, he was copping to hand jobs. I subsequently found a photo of his penis in a vagina. I’m now 3 1/2 years out from DDay and 1 year happily divorced.
Ya know, first of all Tracy, DO NOT TAKE UP GOAT FARMING. Although I might add, you are writing about ALOT of goats so it is just the journalism arm of the same thing. Without the flies and milking duties. Stop, do not consider.
Next I will say, minimizing makes one especially the chump who ALREADY thinks she/ he is hallucinating. Saying out loud—- CANT BE TRUE and my cheater REALLY LOVES ME and lets go to get my problems fixed by IRC or any means… and that poor cheater, who is of great value, is applauded for any and all addictions and distractions.
We the chumps, REGRETFULLY eat this stuff up because it APPEARS we have control, it FEELS like we have control-like we can change anyone abracadabra. But the word salads, the mental gymnastics and the ability to believe ANY LIE to keep a family, job, home, to live the lies etc, is so basic to survival.
This coach keeps his job, his cheating cheater gets canned but can now do the talk show circuit— convince her family and friends with long letters, flip her hair and WRITE and boy she can write, to get herself out of the muck.She’ll be fine too and write a book on how to…
Yes my cheaters, both of them, made it all about my fault and I believed it until I did 2 years of EMDR to figure out I was the real prize and I stood my ground and got out x2. I had courage to run for the hills.
Yes the lies go a long way to convince everyone but former chumps, we alone hold the truth.
Thank you Tracy for keeping the goats herded… and whether your computer crashes or you miss a segment, you are still pure gold and a light in the darkness that shines the SPOT LIGHT on the blue print of the liars club. On this Friday I thank you from my heart.
I generally agree that the double-standard for firing a woman having an affair while the man suffers no such consequence is wrong, wrong, wrong. However, Russini absolutely should have been fired, since it’s considered a journalistic ethical lapse to have a relationship with someone in a field you report on. Maybe I’m less concerned about the coach because I’m not sure that a similar professional standard applies to a coach. I do think he should have been fired on a character issue–if he’s sleazy and dishonest in his personal life, he very well could be sleazy and dishonest in his work sphere. I freely admit that I have a bias–I despise football and don’t respect any aspect of that sport (it’s a “sport” that causes brain damage, FFS), so the fact that the owner didn’t fire the coach for having an affair doesn’t particularly disappoint me because I wouldn’t hold my breath to expect the owner to have scruples about keeping a cheater on his payroll.
Also, depending on the specifics in a “conduct” clause, Vrabel’s probably owed a bunch of $$$ if he’s fired. I doubt any agent would allow a infidelity, outside of a relationship with a Pats’ staffer, to be included on the list of terminable behavior w/o a buyout.
Kraft used to visit rub-and-tug massage parlors which are notorious for exploiting trafficked women. As long as it wasn’t compromising his bottom line or win percentages, I don’t think he cares about his coach’s infidelity.
OMG, I don’t follow sports much, but your post rang a bell about Kraft, the sleaze. https://finance.yahoo.com/news/patriots-owner-robert-kraft-retains-011400980.html
I haven’t read this one in the comments yet…
FW told me I was overreacting because “everyone does it.” I guess I was just sooooo unsophisticated.
So he would have been cool with it if you had, well can’t call it cheating cause everyone does it, let’s call it dated outside the marriage and didn’t bother to mention it to him? How chic!
That’s exactly what my coward said: “I have been “dating” for ten years” Like it was a perfectly natural thing to do. While I was living like a pauper, to have money for his boat and boat stuff, volunteering in the community for years to help him with his image so he could someday be mayor; he was dating.
Then later he said he lied about it and only said that so I would hate him. He thought it would be easier for me if I hated him. What a guy.
I heard about the “singular” mistake all the time. That one makes me crazy. Six year affair cannot be a singular mistake.
Biggest minimization after that? He claims no sex. ( It was long distance.)
I don’t believe that. I admit that it wouldn’t have been something he could arrange often. Hell, it could have been just a couple times over all those years, but either way, I believe they had sex even if only a few times.
All that said?
He confessed to the affair. I didn’t cath him. He volunteered the info. I was clueless.
He confessed because he was planning to move forward and be with her.
If you end a decades long marriage that involves kids? Sex or no sex ceases to entirely matter. Whatever they had was “big enough” to end what WE had, so where his genitals did or did not wander to ceases to really matter at that point.
I was wondering when the Mike Vrabel nonsense would hit this blog.
Btw, I would absolutely buy a Chumplady chèvre, if you think about launching a goat farm kickstarter!
Think of the fun you could have naming your goatsmilk soap scents!
I don’t think Mr. CL wants to farm. So here I am to blog another day. But thanks for the goat soap suggestions.
What is sickening to me is that this Diana fw knowingly had two kids with the husband while cheating. Why why why? That’s the unforgivable sin of my ex Narcopath, tricking me into having kids together when he was already cheating.
Yeah, and one of her kid’s is named Michael! Hope dad gets the kids paternity tested!
My ex-FW had so many ways he minimized his hooker habit. Some of my favorites:
Mine thought he was a great husband because, “I only got caught that once.”
!!!
I and my wife had been together for three years. At first, everything felt solid, calls every night, weekend dates etc . But lately, my partner started coming home late, guarding his phone, and acting distant.
I started suspecting until one night a message popped up on her screen. I confronted her , but she denied but i know she had been seeing someone else for months. But i was shattered by the betrayal, quietly packed her things and left.
Sometimes, cheating doesn’t start in the bedroom it starts when honesty leaves the relationship.
Minimizing my Cheater did
There was a lot but the most blatent was calling his betrayal “a bad moment”…moment…MOMENT??
Right then, he was discussing a relationship with a coworker which he was claiming was an emotional affair. After he died, I found proof it was physical. About a year later, I learned there were more affairs…he likely went in and out of relationships our whole marriage (which woul explain his hot/cold attitude towards our marriage.
I probably mentioned before that there are studies linking “aggressive mating strategies” — which I take to mean as doing anything to get laid regardless of risk to self and others– and something called “fast life strategy” (bonk a lot and leave a lot of spawn) with life-shortening health conditions even when the individual wasn’t consciously aware of a terminal illness.
Alternatively, both fast life and aggressive mating strategies are associated with being raised in dangerous environments where life is cheap (violent or war-torn cultures or violent families). This seems to fit with earlier studies finding that children raised in violent environments can go through puberty earlier and engage in sexual behaviors earlier than they otherwise might of, as if it’s a kind of bio strategy to prepare the individual for independence so they can escape the environment.
But before this starts sounding like a plea for amnesty (never), my impression is that, by adulthood, these behaviors only persist in unreflective types like those with a kind of criminal level of rationalization and callousness. Some of the studies on lower life expectancy/fast life/mating strategies seemed to be trying not to form moral implications but further studies link “aggressive mating strategies” to dark triad, psychopathy and violence so clearly it’s not just anyone affected by life-shortening conditions or circumstances. Character still matters.
I’m only half serious but another impression I have is that all of the above could apply to people who know they’re going to lose their looks very quickly because of lifestyle and genetics.
My FW’s 4 year sexual affair, which included seeing her several times a week without my knowledge, was simply ‘drunken silliness’ and nothing more serious than night time texts.
First I found a message thread that went back more than 10 years, never heard of the woman. “She would call me her mentor,” he said, but I read their messages, which included bon mots such as “I can’t help but miss you” and “i’m thinking of you”.
He downloaded nine dating apps over the course of our marriage. They were for titillation, if anything, he said. He signed up because he wanted to understand the revenue model cuz he’s a software guy. He was looking for friends, how else is he supposed to find friends? I got all of minimizations, right in a row, a kind of Minimization Old Maid, you just pick a card, any card, and see if it matches anything you want to believe. (Clue, none of these did). Oh and the final minimization: I never went to meet any of them! Then we found out he DID in fact meet Tinder dates, so the next card to pick was I was never trying to replace you!
The first thing my FW said was, “it was just chatting,” to which I countered, “you meant cheating!” So here is the list of the things I can remember him saying –
It was just chatting
It was a game
I needed a distraction
I thought you were leaving me
No one appreciates me
You should have monitored my behavior
There were more, I think, but luckily the memory of that crap is fading!
And of course they always say, “they didn’t mean anything to me, it didn’t mean anything, I love YOU!“
Of course! And, “But I chose YOU!”
Funny how they never seem to worry about whether we will choose them! They’re not hung up on whether we still love them, whether we find them attractive, despite their massive character flaws and betrayals (unless they’re manipulating through projection/pity). Our loyalty and love are a given when we’re pick-me-dancing our tails off (for garbage that treats us like garbage).
In their minds, they’re so fantastic that of course you’d pick them! Narcissism is amazing.
Tracy, thanks for slogging through blogging hell for us chumps. It sucks that you have to deal with these censorship and platform/ad issues to get your message out and get paid for your lifesaving work.
As for challenge, I’ve got a few:
“At least I’m not a rapist! At least I’m not a murderer!”
“I wish I’d never gotten involved with her. She had big problems. She practically raped me.” (Said in Timid Forest Creature mode. Evidence uncovered later showed quite the opposite.)
“This is why I can’t be honest with you.” (I was upset when he told me that every time we fought (aka he was an FW to me and I had a reaction to it), all he wanted to do was reach out to his APs. He claimed he thought I’d be happy to hear that because it meant he was being totally truthful to me (and spoiler he wasn’t, not then or ever).
After Dday one, I agreed to go to counseling with FW to see if we had anything to work with. He had an affair while I was away at a two-month residency with a former “coworker” (that was his story at that time). He wrote privately to the therapist to tell her he didn’t think it was “helpful for b&r to classify his actions as cheating.” It was pretty black and white, and she called him out on this in a session with both of us — which of course infuriated FW. He had the audacity to make a molehill out of the mountain of what I already knew, but not only had he had this “inconsequential” fling (his words), he was still successfully hiding seven years of cheating off and on with at least two APs! “Not helpful…” that still gets a stir out of me. And he was absolutely trying to get a rise out of me to paint me as the unstable one. I finally left for good when his emotional abuse became psychological torture and succeeded in making me truly feel like I was out of my mind and losing control of my emotions and reality. It was terrifying. (Also he became physically abusive as his control and mask slipped.)
Also when FW wrote counselor to say my idea of him cheating was unhelpful, he was still secretly cheating. After begging me to give him another chance and promising this “inconsequential fling” with his “former coworker” was a mistake and over.
The FW in my case also had side discussions with the string of therapists/counselors/mediators. So the “professionals” who I thought would be impartial and bring their training to bear on our situation, were being co-opted in unreported conversations behind my back!
In sessions, a comment would slip out, referencing some email or conversation I didn’t know about. I’d be like, excuse me? .. and then we would spend ten precious, expensive minutes filling me in, and me belatedly — and futilely — trying to play catch-up and correct all the lies and half-truths covertly planted in the “neutral professional”‘s mind. My trust in the therapist/counselors would drop and I was forced to struggle to find certainty on a secondary level, repeatedly, while in the midst of a massive assault on my reality.
Really, shame on those therapists for gaslighting someone in a state of trauma. I would have recovered so much quicker if the people I turned to hadn’t compounded the initial injury.
So, FW – who I separated from a few months ago has repeatedly sworn to me and our sons that he ended things with the OW. All the while, he’s been presenting himself as sad, depressed, and lonely, clearly trying to gain as much sympathy as possible after blowing up his (and our) entire life.
Our son went to visit him at his rental, only to find he wasn’t there. Naturally concerned, he asked where he was, and this is the text I received – not my son who he THINKS is unaware of OW –
“I went to check on (OW) this morning because she’s having a rough time after losing her job. We haven’t been together for weeks, and I know she’s trying to move forward with her life and start a family. I just felt it was the right thing to do as a friend, but I really think I shouldn’t anymore. The whole situation has been emotionally draining.”
Honestly… does he think we’re that naïve? He’s “just helping her”? Being a “good friend”? Meanwhile, there’s no real concern or empathy for his own sons or for the partner (me) of 24 years he’s left behind.
It’s unbelievable.
Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t sleep with my friends.
My ex told me that “she gets me and you don’t!” Really after I’ve known him for thirty years? Ok , whatever. I’m so at meh about this now- been divorced almost 4 years- but it was brutal at the time.
She’s moved on with her life.
I’m trying remember. The only thing that immediately comes to mind mind is on D-day (of course), when she told me the other man she was in love with and had cheated with was her effing boss. She was his secreta…ahem…administrative assistant. Survey says she’s in the top three of cliches on the board. Maybe number one in our working society!
I told her, “You realize, you’re living a cliche.” Her response was, “Well, we don’t think so.”
Since I was in shock at that point, I didn’t have a zippy remark to return. But when I told my coworker about that, he made what I think is a true and wise statement. He said, “It doesn’t matter what they believe. It’s how it’s perceived.”