Those Missed Opportunities When You Didn’t Cheat
The Friday Challenge is to share all those missed opportunities when you didn’t cheat on your partner. But could’ve. Just like your cheater did. Was your happiness off the charts?
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If you believe the popular commentators on infidelity, unfaithfulness is an affliction that can happen to anyone anywhere anytime. All of our relationships are under the constant assault of sparkly new acquaintances and old Facebook crushes. And the only bulwark against the novel p*ssy/dick menace is a $399 “affair-proof” your marriage webinar.
Affairs, we’re told, “just happen.”
(Which is weird. Because if cheating is so random and ubiquitous and ecumenical, how come only the RIC can save us?)
Except they don’t…. for the other half of us. Some freaky chumps actually manage to keep it in their pants, and go about their existence without Ashley Madison profiles.
And it’s not like you didn’t get the opportunity, you sexy chumps.
What? Me? Opportunity? I’m here wiping baby vomit out of my hair. What are you talking about?
You know, that time someone complimented your sweater and you said, “I must have you now. Right now. Upon this Xerox copier.”
Oh, right. That didn’t happen. Because you downloaded the RIC ebook! No? What was it then? You respect your partner? It wasn’t on your radar? Ick?
Today’s Fun Friday challenge is to tell CN about all those missed cheating opportunities. The p*ssy buffet that got away. The office crush that just sort of withered in your imagination and died. The thoughts you didn’t have.
TGIF!
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There must be something wrong with me. I never had an opportunity. I never even thought about it. Not once. Ever. I’m sure that there had to be some dude that wanted me. I am on the upper 1-10 scale of attractiveness. But nope. No one seriously approached me. I must have been oozing a “Don’t even” vibe.
I just never kept it going!! Even the guy my #1 cheater told my kids about 20 years later…well that guy liked to shoot animals and eat wild game. He liked sleeping with his hunting dogs. Whoever I was ever attracted too, I always looked past the book cover into what it would be like to live with them. My marriage was sacred so No.
I was married for 30 years to a man who cheated in the end and perhaps before that. I never did even though he was difficult to deal with, did not like physical intimacy as much as I did and rarely worked. I had all kinds of good reasons to cheat on him and I never did.
I don’t believe affairs just happen partly because at least in my case it took effort and work to be in a relationship to begin with so don’t tell me that a cheater dies not put effort and work into having affairs- not to mention money spent! I believe as I’ve gotten older that people are wired to cheat or not. I’m not wired that way. And I’ve no respect for people who are. I think they have a character problem. And I’ve been told I’m just judgmental. That used to bother me but now I don’t care. Call me what you will at least I have integrity and loyalty.
Loyalty, that’s what my #2 cheater said. He tried to be awful to get rid of me but I could not believe I was not loved. Never. But I was not loved..at all
Same here (though male). I am convinced that some people just don’t give out the “I am open for business” vibe and – unless they’re in an environment where cheating is rampant – don’t get approached much.
I certainly never looked at another woman while I was married because it just didn’t occur to me. As soon as I divorced my attitude changed. I started to notice women around me and in return received a couple of blatant offers from married women. Once I started dating someone exclusively I guess I stopped giving off those vibes because the offers dried up.
It’s my firm belief that the seeds of adultery are sown way, way before the physical act, when someone decides that he or she is open to better offers and starts sending out signals to that effect. I’m sure it’s all plausibly deniable for months or years, but once someone transitions from “this is my marriage and I will make it work” to “let’s see if there’s anything better out there” it’s only a matter of time before the “someone better” will manifest. (There’s a whole conversation to be had about whether that person really is better and the inherent asymmetry of the roles of spouse vs affair partner but that’s a topic for another day).
That was pretty much the same for me. I just didn’t put out the available vibe. Part of it was natural, but after I went to work for DoD it was active. You know pictures on the desk. Talk about church and family etc.
Once I was D and ready, it just changed.
I completely agree ..there is a song about that COME ON LOOK.in the eyes.
Agree. The weird thing for me while I was married is that I worked in a very male populated office and business. All of my coworkers were men, no issues. I had male assistants, no issues. My bosses were men, no issues. My vendors, all men, no issues. I’d travel monthly with those men, no issues. I’d meet my male clients in NYC with no issues.
When I was finally single, I never had a married man bother me. If I had, I would have found his wife and told her. I’m bitchy that way.
I’ve never dated or had a relationship with any man that was unavailable, engaged, married, separated legally or otherwise. It’s not that hard.
I’m not that interested in anyone’s sloppy seconds, I guess.
Exactly! I’ve worked with many men while married and single. I never was tempted to engage in any extramarital affair with any of them. Some became friends and we saw each other through different relationships never once being anything more than platonic. It was not hard at all. I still have male friends who are just that. If any of them had tried to come in to me, I’d have lost all respect for them.
Oh my gosh, yes! I would not touch a married or partnered man with a ten foot poll. You’re right, it’s not that hard at all!!!
Lucky you. It’s quite uncomfortable to sense those vibes from someone in your community whose spouse and family you know.
Years ago in my late 20s (before I married the lying philanderer) I was approached by several married professors (let’s have lunch, I love your ideas and would like to work closely with you, etc.) and always recoiled in shock. Later, after marriage to the philanderer, I felt sparks of mutual interest with a few men, but it was always understated — we never ever compromised our integrity by acting on those sparks or even talking about the mutual attraction.
Rhetorical question: What the heck is wrong with some people — how can they live with themselves?
Some people are truly self-centered and don’t give a damn about anybody but themselves. There are some real freaks out there.
Exactly. They believe they’re special and entitled to do whatever they want. Rules for thee, not for me.
See maybe I’m just dense in my 20s I would have taken what those in a supervisor or managerial role said at face value and thought that they really did like my ideas and wanted to work with me because I was a hard worker and my contribution would benefit the company overall in some way. The ones who were just coworkers I saw it more clearly and your right it’s really uncomfortable when it happens
I would have too. I’m glad I never received such an overture; it might have led to a very awkward, or even dangerous, situation.
They can live with themselves because they think they’re special. They’re not, of course. They are just common. Less than common, actually.
I’m not sure how many opportunities I passed over (or even failed to see), because I was never looking to cheat in the first place. I don’t look at any of them as “missed opportunities” …. I just look at them as opportunities taken to demonstrate that I was a faithful partner who, having given a solemn vow to “forsake all others” during our Wedding Service, backed my words up with my actions.
LFTT
Exactly! Yes!
I’m in sales. Especially when we lived in Chicago and I was in radio advertising, I was around some of the smarmiest humans on the planet. I got hit on by coworkers, clients and randos at the bars we had meetings at. I often pretended to drink at the giant broadcast Christmas parties where too many people would head off together and be talked about for years afterwards. But I stayed sober to make sure I got home to my husband and didn’t do anything in appropriate. I would go to radio gatherings at bars after work and stay long enough to be polite and leave to go home to dinner with my husband. I got hit on by a famous legendary Blackhawk hockey player and laughed it off and went home (but got a cool story out of it!). I even knew the manager of a bar/restaurant downstairs in our building that often hosted former President Bill Clinton… the manager would call me and beg me to come down and “meet Bill”… this manager also wanted to “whisk me away with him to Italy”… I never went. Fidelity is a choice. So is cheating. Who knew? LOL
It’s tough when you’re in a profession where there’s a lot of alcohol related business socializing. I think you handled it the best way which is to not drink. And you were probably right to pretend to drink because a lot of people are very judgmental of those who don’t drink.
On a slightly related note, from my life experience, I think a lot of people should think seriously about their relationship to alcohol. That said, alcohol doesn’t cause bad behavior in and of itself. But it erodes inhibitions, and then bad things can happen.
“Whisk you away to Italy” – seriously? What dream world was this person living in? People have jobs, children to care for, and commitments!
I was very heavily hit on by one of People Magazine’s “50 Most Beautiful People” (who knew I was married). I can be a bit oblivious and/or in denial when it comes to male attention, but really, I wanted to believe we had just had an interesting conversation. After I told my FW how the party had gone, he smiled and told me he had to break it to me what it meant when a man is touching your leg, telling you how amazing you are, and drunkenly assuring you he respects the sanctity of your marriage. FW found it “cute” that it went over my head.
It didn’t exactly go over my head, which is why I kept trying to change the subject with Mr. Beautiful and keep things professional. Because, like… what was I going to do? Break the heart of the person I loved most in the world? For what?
I didn’t know then that FW had been cheating on me for our entire 30-year relationship– but that did explain the almost total lack of s*x for most of it. It was less that FW thought it was cute that I was oblivious to male attention, and more that FW was pleased as punch that he could deny me s*x and I would still be so loyal to him that I wouldn’t sleep with a literal movie star. It was all and only ever about power.
So sorry NotHisMama. Your FW sounds sickeningly smug. What a FW! My marriage was also s*xless, sadly. He was never really that into it and a bit of a workaholic. Ironic it was him that had the affair and not me.
See, I’ve been hit on or harassed a lot over the years and viewed every one of them as annoyances or threats, not opportunities. Cheaters would probably view it differently which is hard for me to grasp.
I was in the health/ wellness/ luxury/medical/spa industry and was subcontracted to work with an NFL team which had a really strict no fraternizing policy..was pursued by one of the players and told him no and that it would affect my job used that job to make connections to work at a nearby forbes 5 star spa and left.
There was harassment at the spa by male clientele and a at least one male associate I had to report to HR and we had resort security and procedures in place for anything that made us feel even slightly unsafe great HR department. My male married boss at the spa was really nice to work with until he met my fiance (now husband) after I got engaged after we stopped to drop off a licensing update thing on my day off. Then it was nope can’t help you and he restricted my schedule to only his department so I couldn’t cross train on the other services in the other department he knew I was going to school to get my licence for when he hired me. Was a major factor to leave when I did.
Idk why but I never put two and two together until you shared your experience I always thought work was work and really prided myself on professionalism and just don’t get it.
According some statistics I’ve read, about 20% of married men cheat (and about 13% of married women). I wouldn’t be surprised if many of those 20% male FW also happened to be workplace creeps. For many of them, it’s probably their best “hunting ground”, especially once they are past their prime in terms of looks. As a consequence, most women are going to encounter at least some of them during their careers.
I, too, used to believe I was “above” all of this thanks to my professionalism. Yet I was forced to change careers twice because I was viciously bullied by workplace schmoopies. So, yes, it affected me too (albeit somewhat indirectly), and it was through no fault of my own.
The statistics feel a little low in some fields, but I could absolutely see it.
I grew up in a house with parents who were FWs in more corporate jobs, but I never thought it would happen to me if I stayed loyal to my partner and was professional, and I was “safe” because it was a predominantly female field. In other jobs I was able to pick up on it and usually got another job right away before I left cause the guys weren’t very subtle and it made me uncomfortable enough to leave.
While there was cattiness and of course a few of us did not vibe but for the most part it was always behind the scenes except for a few more toxic coworkers who in hindsight were schmoopie-esque. When we were “on” in the guest areas, you’d never be able to tell.
I’ve run into it in so many places. I served in the Navy for my first 5 years of career, so I expected it there since we’re all deployed together…it only takes a few crappy sailors to think “what goes on cruise stays on cruise.” But I didn’t expect it to be far WORSE at all my other civilian work places.
Unfortunately it’s still prevalent because too many men are in positions where they think they can get away with it. And when I was in my 20s I was afraid to report anything and risk my career. Too often, HR isn’t on our side. I feel you.
You’re really brave to have joined the military. I never would have thought that civilian jobs were worse after hearing some of the horror stories from others who served.
I think where I worked, the HR at the Forbes 5-star spa, was probably the exception to the rule, but it wasn’t against a higher up; it was a fairly new, really bad at his job, creepy male associate they were probably looking to fire for cause. He was really graphic, but what bothered me was the racial/ religious part of it, and that he said it in front of another male coworker, who just kinda laughed it off nervously in the break room. I was so upset that I was visibly shaking, but I had to pull it together because I had to perform a service for a notoriously difficult female client, who then complained about having to pay. I was still so bothered by it that, before I left, what he said after that was so inappropriate. I was so stunned by it that I was shaking with adrenaline, and I dropped the f-bomb to my female supervisor after my shift ended. At the spa, we had to hit 80 points in every guest interaction to maintain our 5-star rating, and we were also always told that any guest could be the rater, so we had to be on at all times, because you never know. And the combination of everything was enough to fire him.
Oh wow, great question!
I’m torn when I think about this, of course in fantasy/betrayal pain land I think, “oh yeah I should have taken every opportunity.” it frustrates me somewhat but in the end, I’m glad I never did take an opportunity. I’m glad to know that I didn’t hurt somebody else just to experience a quick fix. It’s been a few years now and a long time coming but I’m learning more and more that I’m actually happy to be a chump not because of the betrayal, but because it means I have a moral compass, good character, and had the ability to trust someone with everything I had. I never want to be a chump again, but I’m not ashamed anymore because I am one.
I work in the entertainment industry and for many years. throughout that time I’ve had ample opportunities and I never even considered one of them. I work with models, cheerleaders, actresses, and athletes. I’ve been to industry parties and sports celebrations where the liquor is flowing where peoples inhibitions let loose. If I’ve ever felt into uncomfortable with the interaction, I walked away. I loved my spouse, and I always felt it was a sense of honor to be faithful.
Probably the most overt one, because honestly, I don’t pick up on flirting that quickly, was a young intern that kept asking me to dinners and texting me and calling me. I shut that down, kept it professional and told her I was happily married.
But again, I don’t feel bad that I did that at all. I think there was a chance that I could’ve hurt her. If I did do something I would’ve hurt my spouse if I did that and I never would’ve respected myself if I did something like that.
And I think that’s part of the immense pain for me that I thought I had a spouse that felt the exact same way, but found out that for decades the ease with which my spouse stepped outside of our marriage is frightening.
Did the intern then get offended that you were correctly reading her intentions and try to gaslight you about it after?
I got a Facebook dm from someone in high school. He said “ you were so nice in high school” and I said “really?” Because I know I was awkward and I said “ when was I nice?” And he said “ you were just nice”. And I realized he was fishing.
After I found out about my fw my friend found him posting on his old hs page just trolling……
I was also in sales and being hit on was so bad. So many men just throw something out there to see if anything sticks.
My #1 exHC called that fishing. You keep throwing out the line until you hook one. Anything will do
How do they have time for this if they work full time jobs, often with unpredictable overtime, have long commutes, and have to keep up the facade of a good family man at home (assuming they bother to?)
I guess it’s the rule of “you make time for what’s important to you.” Gah.
Life was hell before blocking became a common feature on phones and social media. I’ve lost count how many men I haven’t talked to in years randomly hit me up when getting divorced. The record was almost 20 years from a classmate I barely spoke to in college.
I truly think they believe women exist on deep freeze, ready for them any time.
Sadly I think many people believe deep down that older female divorceés are desperate and so either easy pickings for pump and dump, or potential mate poachers to socially ostracize from gatherings.
That’s wild to me because every woman I know who’s divorced never wants to marry again.
Even the widows I know never want to marry again.
So many opportunitie over the decades, but never crossed my mind. Who had time? Who had desire? Who would even do such a thing? Yes, countless missed opportunities, but I never saw them as opportunities because I was married, not looking, not interested. There were a few old beaus who over the years contacted me at work…never returned the voice mails. Colleagues and vendors, contractors and even competitors who would ask me to drinks or dinner, show me around their city, that sort of thing. I brushed them off and never gave them a second thought. I had strong walls and boundaries. Made that part of life easier. No time or energy for a secret, sordid life. After all, I had a family I valued, so it was no decision at all. Just a fait accompli. I was an accomplished, lovely, petite, classy, educated, successful woman. I had alwayd been used to men being interested.Looking back, had I known the marriage was wide open and he was continually cheating, lots of yucky people in many locations,all those decades…I would have made different choices. The first would have been to pack up the family and move away from him in the 1980s!
That’s me and my mirage to a T. Decades wasted on a sociopath.
Me too! I would have only been married 13 years instead of 30 had I known
I’m a single woman (Gen X), and over the past decades, I was offered plenty of “opportunities” I never asked for or seeked out. What I can say with confidence is that the vast majority of them were (wannabe) cheaters who were actively on the prowl and probably didn’t even care about whether I was single or not.
So I guess this can truly happen to anyone… if they are actively looking for it or are willing to be schmoopies.
I hadn’t really thought about this. Yes, there were opportunities. The weirdest ones were when I was a professor, and students propositioned me. After my ex left, I needed more income, so I worked in retail. There were coworkers and customers.
I’m truly not the type. Even when I was younger, I wanted to have some context with someone before going out, and the whole hookup culture was a no-go in my mind.
At times, my ex would try to make me jealous with how many “wanted” him, particularly when we were separated. Yes, he was on the prowl. I was not.
My #2 ExHC told me (while we were separated for 14 days before I filed)he told me he could have a woman EVERY NIGHT if he wanted to, but he wished to honor our separation. Little did I know he already had that going on but not for free.
Mine had similar delusions. I told him that if he chose that path, it would 100% be on him. We lived in a state that still had an adultery option during our marriage, so I knew I had him in the divorce that was likely down the road. My attorney did an artful job of hinting that we knew and commenting that they’d never find anything on me, and they didn’t. I was old-fashioned and didn’t need any additional drama, so no. I didn’t fool around at all, even while separated.
Among other issues, his own attorney ultimately decided that his side was too messy and that my STBX was far too unpredictable to take to court. We settled without a trial, which made everyone but my ex happy. He did sign, so no complaints allowed (LOL).
My ex from the time I was young and fancy free, travelling around the world got in touch after his wife died.
We were both each other’s dream lovers. I sent him gently on his way.
Not too long after the man who helped me get over him in the heart of one of my world wanderings, got in touch. He was now divorced.
I sent him on his way too.
These were most notable, but by no means the only.
Meanwhile, my FW had a whole other secret life, which he spent my money on. Whilst I raised our child and earned all of our keeps.
I officially bought him out of my 17th century cottage with 2 acres of land today. He can look at his pension plan and weep…
Congratulations SC100! That’s fantastic news! 🥳
Ohhh I’d love that..just tye history, wow!!
Congratulations! You are mighty!
“I wouldn’t cheat not because of my commitment to you but because I have to live with myself.” Said Cheaty McLiarface. And I agreed because it sounds logical and noble. Yet apparently only one of us truly understood that on a personal level and followed through. That’s the difference between living in Realityville where adulting is required and Delululand where escapism overrides integrity.
I was hottttt in my 40s. And my 50s. If I had a dollar for every man who openly flirted with me in public (out with girl friends, doing errands) while I was wearing my wedding ring, I’d be quite well off financially speaking. And what did I do when this happened? Showed them my wedding ring, talked about my husband and said, “Bye!” and left. And went home. Because integrity and respect for my husband and my marriage. I lived according to my personal values. No regrets.
A former GF of mine started chasing after me, after I was already in what I considered to be a committed relationship. I met with her to break it off. She told me to call her if I ever change my mind. I never called. Then I went on to be repeatedly cheated on by the one I thought loved me. Frustrating to say the least…
I had a few random opportunites over the years – a guy that approached me at the grocery store and said he’d seen me more than once and finally got the courage to ask me out – a guy that approached me after a run at the park and asked to take me to coffee sometime. He seemed like such a nice guy too, was so apologetic when I told him I was married. He said you don’t have a ring on so assumed and I responded that I don’t like to run with any jewelry on. And you know what he said then? “Your husband is a lucky man.” I guess my EXFW didn’t feel the same way.
There have been a few other times as well, and like Tracy said, my life wasn’t all roses by any means, but it is just so easy to say NO. That is what I told my EXFW, that is probably one of the first words a human toddler learns! No, no, no, no. So simple, only one syllable and two letters. NO!
Jeeebus when DONT I have the opportunity?? Literally all the time. I get weirdos in my inbox, randos approaching me in public… how many times have I heard “I like your tattoos, got any we can’t see?” I had a guy approach me in a train station and ask if I was “happily?” engaged.
If I had a dollar for every “well he doesn’t have to know” I’d be retired. Plus I work nights, 12 hour shifts only 3 days a week and my fiancé works normal 9-5 day hours. So how easy it would be to just say I’m at work and flounce off somewhere.
With every opportunity that’s come up, I could be the cheatiest cheater ever cheated a cheat!
But I don’t. Because I’m not that kind of person. I have opportunities abound and I just don’t. It really is not that hard to keep it in your pants. Despite what cheaters say, it is NOT. HARD. TO. NOT. CHEAT.
In the six years total that my husband and I have been together I can say that I have only been approached one time. It was in the grocery store and not in a meet-cute way. It was actually super creepy and stalker-ish. But, even if this man had been the hottest guy on the planet I love my husband and my family and cherished our vows way more than a chance at a quick fuck. Deep commitment in practice. Clearly, my husband felt differently about our vows and that is why I’m on this site.
When I was in my late 30s, a 20-something son of a work colleague came over to my house a number of times to help with some tasks while my husband was deployed. I was very lonely after more than six months without my husband. This young man was extremely good looking and had I been single, would have been hard to resist. I eventually caught on that he wanted to hook up with me. In my vulnerable state I realized that I was playing with fire so I shut it down before anything could happen. I didn’t have him come back to my house ever again. Not only did I not cheat, but I remember thinking, “I could never do anything that would hurt my husband or jeopardize our family.”
I have only been approached once while married and even if he had been the greatest looking man in the world I love my husband and our family. I deeply respect our vows and I put commitment in practice. Clearly, my husband does not feel the same way about our vows or I wouldn’t be here.
I always think back to Tori Spelling’s book about her affair with her now ex-husband, when she defended her sleeping with him though both were married, by saying, But I had plenty of opportunities to cheat before him. It’s just that he was so special!
I’ve had it happen multiple times, usually when I was running errands alone or working. Sometimes, when it did happen, their significant other was nearby, and on a few occasions, an argument would break out in public about him looking at me. I’d keep pretending it didn’t happen, go about my day, and tell ExFW about it later without fail. There were a few specific incidents that are the most memorable:
When I was working retail, I remember a guy came in with his family for formal clothes for a family event, and we were making small talk. At the end of my shift, about a week later, when the store was slammed, he was still in his work uniform and waited in my line to tell me he was thinking about me all week and wanted to ask me out. I absolutely could have done it, but I didn’t. I just smiled, thanked him, and told him No, “I had a boyfriend. He left really quickly, kinda embarrassed. I told ExFW, who was an unemployed chain-smoking pothead, a porn addict, who played video games all day and drank heavily at night, that as soon as I saw him, he was ambivalent at best.
ExFW only got really possessive and controlling and more physically aggressive after I met my now husband, who was the roommate, older brother of one of my high school friend’s spouses (current in-laws), in passing, and whom we saw rarely at social functions. Husband knew I was with ExFW and respected it, never even tried to push it, even though my friend kept trying to get me to break up with ExFW. I didn’t think it was a respectful way to handle it, so I shut the meddling down, as did my husband with his brother, because both of them disliked ExFW and thought I could do better. ExFW accused me of cheating, and he bashed my head into the dashboard over the argument one time while he was driving. Little did I know, ExFW at the time was trash-talking me to women online, and he was trying to hook up with them to create homemade porn online. The nonconsensual conception of my oldest child shortly followed DD.
Another time, after I was baby trapped and visibly pregnant, and I was at his place after working a double shift, he was high as a kite late at night. He told me to drive to the only open gas station to get him some munchies, and I did. A guy was working there who said something about pregnancy cravings and how his ex is pregnant, and I told him no, it’s not for me, it was for ExFW, and he then tried to convince me how wrong that was and how he is on his ex’s beck and call while pregnant, and he would do the same for me, and gave me his number. I made the purchase, went back to ExFW’s house, told him what happened, and was met with indifference again.
I’ve had it happen after I was finally broken up with ExFW but wasn’t ready to date and politely declined it. When I barely dipped my toe in the dating pool and only had one day off from school work/ single parenthood I had two dates scheduled one before my SILs wedding and one after so I could dip out early because I didnt think I’d be there long even brought a platonic male colleague just so I’d have someone to handle out with and an excuse to leave early before going on a bowling date after dinner. I was upfront with everyone about my plans from the start. Bowling date canceled because he would rather watch a football game. My colleague left for his second job after dinner. My BIL and SIL tried to get me to talk to another person after I made it clear I didn’t want to be set up with my husband. They introduced me to someone else, and we exchanged numbers before he left with his family. My FIL’s work husband was at his older sister’s wedding, and his family was pushing us together (FIL literally positioned me on the dance floor to catch the bouquet and instructed SIL to throw it directly at me. He tried the same with his husband for the garter toss, and his husband noped out, too. It would have been a cute picture. Still, at the time, it was embarrassing.) I just wanted to enjoy my one day of freedom. We started talking and catching up on life. Husband was also in school in another state and working, but he asked me out before I left for the evening. I gave full disclosure about dates, and we discussed exclusivity at that time. I didn’t even want to risk misleading anyone, so I told the guy who left earlier that I had originally exchanged numbers at the wedding. With that, I reconnected with someone at the wedding when he reached out the following day. With that, I reconnected with someone at the wedding when he reached out the following day. Although I appreciated him reaching out, I preferred to see where that went. I told the coffee date guy the same thing, and the guy who ditched me at the last minute to watch the football game (plus pointed out the disrespect in the last-minute ditching) when they also tried to follow up. Husband and I became Facebook official about a month later. The long distance was the entire point. I didn’t want to rush anything, and neither did he.
Even while dating my husband long-distance exclusively, as soon as ExFW started causing chaos. The male friends he kept in the back up came out of the woodwork. I had a child care emergency caused by ExFW and asked if I could get back in touch with one of his male friend’s mom, whom I used to be close with and trusted as a babysitter. He agreed, and I caught up with the mom and her son and told them about my husband. A former platonic male friend got really flirty, and I remember, after complaining to him about some guy on a motorcycle who wanted me to just get on the back of his bike while I was running errands after work, he egged me on and said I should have done it. I reminded him of his relationship status, then his messages kept getting flirtier. I shut it down, probably a little too meanly, and lost a babysitter in the process. I told my husband about these things every time they happened, and it was just a much different experience. He is a former chump as well, so he reacted like it was a pick-me dance, and I had to reassure him that it wasn’t even a competition. Found out after the fact, the ExFW’s friend and the babysitter’s mom knew about child safety issues with ExFW’s substance abuse during supervised visitation. I was so livid, I confronted them. They tried to play Swiss and said it wasn’t their place, then he tried hitting on me again. Never looked back.
My father’s career required frequent moves. I was at a new school my senior year of high school, and a remarkably good looking guy asked me out right away. Shortly thereafter a weeping classmate approached me and begged me to not go out with him because “He’s my boyfriend!” I was flabbergasted, searched out the boy and told him I wouldn’t be dating him. He wanted to know why and I said “Because your girlfriend asked me not to!” Thought that was the end of the story, forgot all about both of them (including their names) and then got a private message from an alumni group from a guy I didn’t remember. He persisted in his messaging, praising my high school looks, and then posted a photo – and there was Weeping Girl in the background! Blocked him immediately. 50+ years and he was still at it, and she was still sucking it up. These FWs never stop, apparently, and we would all be wise to make a quick exit as soon as we make discovery of infidelity. I have to wonder just how many times that bonehead has cheated on his girl, and how many times she’s forgiven him.
There was the wedding I attended alone, across the country because ex couldn’t really get the time off, and we were traveling to a lot of weddings that year, and cross-country airfare is expensive. It was all old college friends, including a guy I had previously dated and plenty of male friends. Nope, didn’t cheat! Even with a hotel room all to myself! Wasn’t even on my radar, I was just happy to catch up with old friends and celebrate that particular friend and his new wife.
Come to think of it, there was another wedding that fall that I also attended solo. Plenty of tall Brits w/lovely accents at that one. Still nope! Remained fully clothed and kept my hands and lips to myself!
Didn’t fall prey to the “romance of weddings” or the open bar.
Those weddings were all during my first year of marriage. Was I a blissful newlywed? Not exactly. My birth control at the time was giving me wild mood swings, and I was struggling with how little time my new husband wanted to spend with me. I had visions of us having lots of time together on the weekends, settling into our new home… It was heartbreaking at times feeling like our marriage was not a priority.
Before ex and I got married, I developed a bit of a crush on an older coworker who was married. You know what I did? Absolutely nothing! Crush passed a few weeks later.
When we were engaged, I had a guy who seemed interested because he came around my office when he didn’t need to. I promptly mentioned my fiance and I never saw him again. At a work conference, I had a guy ask me to dinner. I declined. He tried harder. I said no again. He left. At another work conference, I was sitting with a female colleague. A guy asked me to dance. I told him I was married and declined. He said “your husband won’t know.” I declined again. He left. During a particularly hard time in our marriage, I started to have an office crush. I immediately slapped myself upside the head and refocused on my marriage and poured into it. The crush quickly Completely dissipated.
When we were separated and I attended Divorce Care, a guy in the class ( who I found attractive) texted me and said we could get together as “friends” if I wanted. We were both still married and he was in a child custody battle. I declined. I am in a male dominated field. Everyone knew I was married. I never had a problem working with men.
Examples of when I could have, but it just wasn’t even an option in my mind. I did NOT.
When we were married, my FW would often talk about so-called “players” that he knew. His friend Tom was a “dog.” His friend at work ” was always getting girls.” His other friend at a different job was single and free and living the good life. A real estate agent that he knew was a swinger. I think now maybe he was jealous and wishing he could be like them. That he could get all the women and any woman he chose. Smh
I’ve had lots of opportunities over the decades. Had lots of opportunity during work trips with the boss, who all the women wanted to sleep with. And he made it clear he wanted to sleep with me. Welcomed me on work trips with champagne. My husband worked for him, too; and my boss didn’t care. He kissed me on the lips one night when the three of us were out at dinner. I never slept with him, never led him on. And 20 years later when I caught my cheater after he’d been hooking up with an Ashley Madison friend for SIX YEARS, he blamed it on that incident.
I said, let me get this straight, you blame your behavior on the fact that I DIDN’T sleep with my boss?!
At first, I didn’t think I had had opportunities to cheat, as in someone genuinely wanted to get together with me. When I was married, I was married, and I didn’t even think about cheating. Other men just weren’t on my radar. So maybe some opportunities just flew past me without me even noting them. There were one or two opportunities that were more difficult to turn down than others.
Almost a year after my first D-Day, I kicked the cheater out of our home and changed the locks, mostly because of the lying because my father had nearly convinced me that the cheating was no big deal, everyone cheats and I needed to just get over it, it was probably my fault anyway, and I’d made my bed so now I needed to lie in it. (Not that Dear Old Dad didn’t lie his ass off.) I kicked Greg out in April, and went home to visit my family over New Years. I’m a nurse; I had to work Christmas that year.
My younger sister invited me to a NYE party she was having at her house, and while I was there, I got into an interesting conversation about economics and politics with this guy. We were both drinking beer and as the night went on, the conversation got more animated and veered off into the more personal, and the guy asked me out. I sobered up pretty quickly and said I had really enjoyed talking to him, but I couldn’t go out with him because he had a live-in girlfriend. (She was in the same huge room, on the other side talking with my sister and a bunch of other women.) I was married, but the divorce petition had been filed and I was just waiting for a court date. I turned him down because I didn’t want to contribute to someone being cheated on.
Later I found out (from my father) that my sister had been cheating on her live-in boyfriend with my husband throughout my relationship with him. But the missed opportunity with that guy in her friend group? I never once regretted turning it down because I am not a cheater.
I’ve also had plenty of “opportunities” at work. I’m a nurse. Nurses are objectified and fetishized so of course I had opportunities. I had opportunities when I started nursing at 21, and had opportunities just before I retired at 67. I’ve been propositioned by male patients, by the husbands of patients and a couple of times by the fathers of patients who were at least a generation older than me. I’ve been propositioned by a few famous folks (who I didn’t realize were famous until later) and by some rich folks who wanted me to travel with them as a private nurse and bang maid. Sometimes they were subtle, other times they were blatant. Sometimes they were just grabby. A physician offered to buy my rental house (which was for sale) so I wouldn’t have to move, and when I said I’d already resigned from my ICU job, he offered me a job as his office nurse. No thank you. When married physicians asked me to dinner, I’d say, all wide-eyed and innocent, “Why yes, I’d LOVE to meet your wife.” Strangely, the dinner invitation would disappear. A couple of times I actually did meet the guy’s wife in another context, and those are stories for another time.
When I was married, it never would have occurred to me to cheat. And when I wasn’t married, I would not have “dated” anyone who was already partnered up. (Except that one guy, who told me he was divorced and had his kids on weekends — who turned out to be married and who I immediately and unceremoniously dumped.)
I used to work in a male dominated industry, and in situations where I would sometimes be alone with a man, so opportunities happened more times than I can even remember. Some of them were quite attractive. FW was so jealous of one guy in particular that he brought his brother to my workplace to help him intimidate him. He hadn’t actually done anything wrong and was a platonic friend of mine. FW was projecting, since as it turned out he has a yen for married women himself. The brother he so cowardly used to bolster his “tough guy” act is also a serial cheater and has cheated with married women.
The hypocrisy of these people is epic.
Am I weird for never being tempted? Betrayal doesn’t cross my mind the way it does for some people, I guess, and I don’t view people as “opportunities.”
The only missed chances I regret are the things I could’ve done with the time I gave to abusers who wasted it and stabbed me in the back.
Oh you mean like my ER RN co-worker that I enjoyed laughing with at work? That guy my #1 cheater told my ADULT kids about that was SUPPOSED TO BE equivalent to his 3 year affair and abandonment of me right after delivery? That guy? I could not believe my ears when I heard that report from my kids…I just said WHAT??? Calvin,??? So you see, it just does not matter what you say because the cheaters have a storage room FULL of sad sausage stories of why they fell but the chumps just laughed and had fun at work. Now I wish I had gone ahead!! I sure Passed that moments up because I loved my husband. How did I do that?
I’ve had plenty of opportunities throughout the engagement and the long nearly sexless marriage. People privately wondered how FW narcopath “got me” especially when younger. These weren’t imaginary opportunities they were serious crushes by colleagues, propositions by others, chases by former boyfriends, and others making it known they wished I was single.
That’s the whole point, I know now 🤢 Love bomb a high-value target for narcissistic supply and then later useful appliance who also provided FW narcopath cover for looking “normal” to society.
Exact same for me. Like George Costanza, he used the fact that he had a beautiful, intelligent wife as bait to get women (I saw the text messages), while he denied me s*x and gaslit me into thinking we didn’t have it because there was something wrong with me.
At nineteen, in college, and very troubled, I went on a date with a much older guy who had a really cool red Camaro. Not long into the evening, I realized he was probably married. I got very upset and asked him to take me home immediately, which he did.
At twenty years old, and still very troubled, I pledged allegiance to a so-called boyfriend, who was not loyal to me at all and not doing very well in life himself. I moved by myself to Lake Tahoe for a job at Squaw Valley, and continued chasing this jerk and trying to coerce him into moving up there. While he was hundreds of miles away working a job in Southern California, I got asked out by the coolest cutest hunk on the mountain, who was on ski patrol during the winter and contractor the rest of the year. I turned him down, out of loyalty to a total douche canoe loser hundreds of miles away. Ski patrol hunk was killed on the mountain in a snowmobile accident that winter.
(I should add that zero self esteem in my case resulted in loyalty where it was not warranted).
It has never even crossed my mind to cheat.
It has crossed my mind that I have been too loyal to others and not loyal enough to myself, and been loyal to those who do not deserve it.
My marriage, which was a mirage, to the man pretending to be my husband was over the moment cheating was an option to deliberate.
Which means it may have been over before it had ever officially begun.
😪
Cleanup on Aisle 7….duplicate post above! Not sure how this happened! Tracy, help!
At nineteen, in college, and very troubled, I went on a date with a much older guy who had a really cool red Camaro. Not long into the evening, I realized he was probably married. I got very upset and asked him to take me home immediately, which he did.
At twenty years old, and still very troubled, I pledged allegiance to a so-called boyfriend, who was not loyal to me at all and not doing very well in life himself. I moved by myself to Lake Tahoe for a job at Squaw Valley, and continued chasing this jerk and trying to coerce him into moving up there. While he was hundreds of miles away working a job in Southern California, I got asked out by the coolest cutest hunk on the mountain, who was on ski patrol during the winter and a contractor the rest of the year. I turned him down, out of loyalty to a total douche canoe loser hundreds of miles away. Ski patrol hunk was killed on the mountain in a snowmobile accident that winter.
(I should add that zero self esteem in my case resulted in loyalty where it was not warranted).
It has never even crossed my mind to cheat.
It has crossed my mind that I have been too loyal to others and not loyal enough to myself, and been loyal to those who do not deserve it.
My marriage, which was a mirage, to the man pretending to be my husband was over the moment cheating was an option to deliberate.
Which means it may have been over before it had ever officially begun.
😪
I have never internally debated if I should or shouldn’t be part of an illicit relationship.
To clarify, post DDay I realized my relationship with Traitor Ex should have been over whenever it was for him that cheating became an option to deliberate.
I should never have dated him in the first place.
Post DDay he told me that “anyone can cheat”.
I disagree.
Your ex confuses “can” with “would/will.” And “anyone” with “everyone.”
Anybody can cheat, but that doesn’t translate to anybody will cheat. Which, following that, doesn’t translate to everyone will.
It’s pretty convenient for cheaters to use language that absolves human beings of autonomous decisions.
Right? Anyone can cheat/lie and steal. What defines integrity is those who choose not to, who choose to live their lives with integrity.
I’ve never been easily tempted by looks, attention or superficial things. But during my 26 year marriage, I had interest from 3 high-quality, properly single men (one in law school and two in the workplace). I never crossed any emotional or physical lines with any of them and remain outer-circle/professional friends with each of them to this day. They have proven to be solid human beings, two are long-time married with kids and one has now been with his partner for over 10 years. My mind sometimes goes to what my life could have been if I exited my marriage for any one of them (it was never even a thought for me at the time), but ultimately I wouldn’t change anything about where I am today and will build from here.
Men like that who hit on unavailable women give me the ick. Even now I am free i avoid them like the plague.
I am not attracted so these situations are not really opportunities and in my thoughts cheating is never ok.
Even when dating it is not OK to cheat, if you want out of any exclusive relationship that can be hurtful to the other. Get out before you do this stuff. And relationships which are open are not my gig, once any relationship is agreed as exclusive then thats a commitment.
Hurting someone else is not ok.