I Could’ve Bought a Car for What I Spent on Reconciliation
Looking back, he realizes he could’ve bought a luxury car for what he spent on reconciliation with a cheater. Why did he try to fix something so fundamentally broken?
***
Hello Chump Lady,
The ‘Reconciliation Industry’ is a luxury car I never got to drive. But I got the wreck instead.
I’m finally coming into my own after three-plus years of hell, and I have to ask:
Why in the hell aren’t there more “Chump Lady” like resources out there?
I know you cover it in Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life, how the “Reconciliation Industry” makes gobs of money peddling hopium, but it is absolutely mind-boggling to me. The amount of pain, suffering, abuse, and sheer money wasted on “fixing” what is fundamentally broken is staggering.
Ask me how I know — I could’ve bought a luxury car with the money I spent on therapists, seminars, and books that only kept me tethered to a lie.
It is insane to read your site and realize the tactics are the same across the board.
It doesn’t matter the gender, race, or country, the script is identical. It’s an industry that profits from keeping people in that cycle.
You have built an amazing following, but why do you think many others aren’t screaming from the roof tops telling the truth about the reconciliation industry? One of my favorite lines from your book is the reminder that they “fired” us from the job of caring for them once they cheated. I just wish there were more voices shouting that truth, because the current majority of the market feels designed to keep us stuck in the wreckage.
Good luck with your new printing. I’m looking forward to checking it out.
Viva La Resistance,
Chumpy McChumperson
***
Dear Chumpy McChumperson,
I’m curious about Chump Nation’s thoughts on this. I do think there are more resources now, and we’re certainly a lot more aware of abuse tactics than even 10 years ago. However, I’m not sure the focus is always on infidelity, but more on narcissists or “toxic” people. (I prefer the term “f*ckwit” because I’m not a psychologist.)
But why aren’t more people in the “Leave a Cheater” camp?
Infidelity (as a chump) is still a taboo subject.
The victim-blaming is so baked in. The idea that those closest to you were conspiring against you is terrifying at a primal level. So, there’s magical thinking. I would never be a chump. That idiot missed the signs. I’d never be duped. How could anyone be so foolish?
No one imagines they could be conned. And all the discourse doesn’t frame cheating as a con, or an abuse of power, they frame it as “love.” The Heart Wants What the Heart Wants. Or they frame it as sex. (You suck at it. They have needs.)
Who wants to raise their hand and admit they suck?
So, in the big narrative, you’re working against the whole You Drove Them To It forces. And you’re also working against the human desire for stability. We invest deeply in our partners. We’re wired to bond.
It’s very hard to un-bond.
Of course chumps want to keep their families together. Of course we’re going to try all the voodoo out there to make that happen.
Imagine the horror of losing a child. Now imagine that all the resources out there told you your child isn’t really dead. But with the right necromancer, you could bring that child back to life. If you follow the Zombie recipe carefully enough, your beloved will return to you. That bright future you imagined for them could be restored.
You’d spend any amount of stupid money to get your child back, wouldn’t you? Even if you understand the laws of physics and death. You’d take that chance. In fact, you might naively assume that necromancers wouldn’t sell you necromancy if they couldn’t actually raise the dead. Right? So you put your money down.
That’s the Reconciliation Industrial Complex.
False hope is profitable. And, I’ll give some quacks credit, I think many of them don’t think they’re selling false hope. They’re just culturally biased. It hasn’t happened to them. They DO think “unmet needs” cause affairs. Or think that infidelity is a “symptom” of a bad marriage and all you have to do is change your communication styles and the wandering dick problem will end. They lack critical thinking.
And did I mention it’s profitable?
Who would you rather embrace? The wizard who you says you can FIX this? Or me and my cold bucket of water?
Also, not a lot of people want to put their heads in the infidelity space for as long as I have. I think I’m uniquely perverse. It’s traumatic. But I can do this because I believe the message I’m selling:
YOU WILL BE BETTER ON THE OTHER SIDE.
Not for the trauma of it (that will always suck), but you’ll be better for losing the FW. And dumping the reconciliation wizards. Lay that cognitive dissonance down.
why do you think many others aren’t screaming from the roof tops telling the truth about the reconciliation industry?
I think people are doing this when it comes to the spiritual abuse of Christian evangelicals. (I can’t say J*s*s Cheater anymore with Google.) Divorce Minister, Julie Roys of the Roys Report, and Gretchen Baskerville of Life Saving Divorce. They’re all doing an excellent job at pointing out the hypocrisy — and harm — in their communities.
We’ve made great progress on “divorce shame” and the idiotic stigma about being single. I think the needle has moved a lot. And I’m hopeful it’s going to move on infidelity too.
Think of all the money we could save and the fancy cars we could buy! CN, what do you think? How much did you spend on the RIC? Do you think the narrative is changing?
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Oh yes, plenty of money wasted! Starting with an online weekly “emergency seminar.” It was a total waste of time and money. 13 weeks of more lies, praying(skipped that part) and worthless videos. From there it was counseling, a “Therapeutic Disclosure,” that was full of lies and more counseling. So much wasted time. Finally got a good therapist. She had me read Minwalla and Dr. Ramani. Helped me see there was nothing wrong with me, but something very wrong with a lifelong serial cheater. I was awesome, amazing, have tons of friends. The sad little man who wasted over 3 decades with countless betrayal objects, not at all. I did not, thankfully waste money on untangling the insanity of how he juggled multiple betrayal objects at the same time, or retrieving belongings from multiple homes or storage lockers. All of his junk at that historic Georgetown townhouse he lived in during covid? Leave it. Left it all behind. Including him. Huge waste of money. Huge waste of time. He was a huge waste.
Sorry you had to go through that 🙁 but good for you for finding the strength! Those books are great! Another is “Psychopath Free” lots of holy crap moments in that one too. And yes, figuring out your worth during the process after being knocked to the ground is empowering. Best of luck to finding happiness.
I did a couples retreat for 8 weeks, $800 dollars. He didn’t want to go, and promptly slept for 3 hours after every session, getting in touch with his emotions was that taxing to him. After the 8 weeks I had a private session with the therapist that taught it. I had met with her and my husband for a 2 hour private session before my meeting with her. She told me he was done with me. Sometimes you know but need someone else to tell you if they are seeing what you are seeing. She was 100% right. I told him it was over, called a real estate agent, and after 30 years, left. That was 10 years ago. I shake my head and think what was that all about. After a new romance 6 years ago ended, I have been on my own and at peace, no longer chasing the love illusion.
I’m grateful my reconcilliation only cost me roughly a jet-ski
LOL good for you! You didn’t fall for the BS RIC. But a jet ski would have been fun too 🙂
I suspect the most appropriate intervention (earlier or later) focuses on “letting go”. That’s hard to acknowledge when society also demands that chumps stay small and move on without resolution.
What’s the most cost effective way to determine if a therapist is qualified?
I would ask them straight up if they think cheating is abuse. If they say no, hesitate, or make excuses, put them in the bin and keep looking.
Ask them if infidelity is abuse.
The vibe. Not everyone is for yo and that’s ok. Some might be qualified on paper, but are just not good at their job, or don’t have enough experience if they are fresh out of school.
If they are dismissing you about your own life experiences or trying to diagnose someone they have never met, that’s a pretty big red flag.
If they have a hard time with boundaries, like they try to be friends with you outside of the session or are really pushy on what you should do, that’s a good indicator that there are other red flags.
If they think they can sell or prescribe a quick fix for you, that’s a pretty big giveaway.
These past almost 3 years i(n July 2026 )since my divorcev ink dried on the documents.. I’ve had to forgive myself over and over for not seeing what I saw, not hearing what I heard and staying almost 14 days after D day.. The wasted days I cried, begged and almost accepted the cheap chocolate, flowers, letters and weak attempts my last cheater made to try to stop me from filing. Every word of professed sorry was an abject lie.
My heart goes out to those who have better liars than I did x2 who actually were better at deception and pulling on your family heartstrings getting you to stay more days, spend more money, have more sex and more years while they played you. Making sure their cake stayed frosted. I’m grateful both of my cheaters already made up.their minds to scorch the earth with my body, mind and soul I had no choice really to ever go back. Yes I am now grateful.
‘staying almost 14 days after D day.”
Oh my gosh 2xChump. Please forgive yourself in general but also for the mere 14 days you stayed. It took me 3 years to get him out of the house and even once that happened, the divorce wasn’t final until another 2 years passed. You left at 14 days? That is beyond mighty!
It took me 30 years after my first Dday! 2xchump is winning at life if it only took not even two weeks.
The credit goes to the FREE EAP therapist who saw my husband 4 days before he talked to me . He was an African American LCSW who had worked in prisons with the mentally and criminally directed men. He listened while I cried over my husband’s abuse of me and how horrible it was..but but I loved him..30 years together!! He told me my husband was extremely unstable under his mask and that his next step was to make me pay for wanting to leave. He told me to get a lawyer immediately, to go to the police station and tell them to watch my house and get a protection order quickly. He told me to lock my doors as well.
He told me he would not see me again unless I followed through on his action plan. He told me my next steps could cause my injury or death at my husband’s hand. There is no way I would have moved as quickly but I did it all in 48 hours. It was a complete miracle from God that I hot unparalleled after that life saving session with him. I still see JB my LCSW 3x a year to keep up on my healing and to thank him for going against what any other therapist would have advised. I am the most grateful for not becoming a DV statistic. That is why My plans for inhouse separation and more unsure days turned into 14 days before I filed. I am here to tell the story.
That’s a life saving therapist you’ve got there!
It took months but one finally told me to run with my kids and that FW was dangerous, at the time I didn’t fully understand her because FW was short overweight crying sausage but now, I understand he’s a scary narcissistic sociopath. More and more lies have come out post divorce.
The guy you saw recognized evil. That counselor is gold!
That is an incredible story. I am so glad he had the insight to tell you exactly what to do, and you listened.
SortofOverit- though incredibly traumatizing, my case does high light the hopium levels, the shock, the steps that are often NOT taken to save oneself, the advice unheeded, the lengths one goes through to save a marriage and the years wasted. I am one person where Solitude has been necessary to recover at all. CL kept the steel in my spine in between sessions with JB… plus I am in counseling with MOCSA for my area. That was free after a 6 month wait. Worth it all the way. Without you all and CL I would have still believed my Ex had FOO and couldn’t help it. A very dangerous place to stay….
My STBX was living in another state, but I bought the RIC and proposed various high-cost options to save the marriage. In retrospect, it was good that he outright refused.
I later came across a woman through a friend who had done all of the Christian RIC intensives and workshops with her ex, and ultimately had to go through a complex process to cloak her identity in a new state so her ex couldn’t find her post-divorce. She was in that much danger. They were well off and spent six figures trying to save the marriage, and then yet more on the divorce. He had to go, period. When I met her, he had died about a year before. What a relief for her.
Anyway, my ex’s very religious family believed that they could provide all the counseling we needed and bought the idea that if I wanted the marriage to survive, I would make the necessary changes. No outside counselors, ever. In other words, he wasn’t going to be held accountable. Everything was on me.
He said that reconciling required that he be put in charge of my phone and computer to make sure he had my full attention. Then he retracted that. I took that as a gigantic, waving red flag. I refused to reconcile, and he kicked off the divorce from his “rebel wife.”
No regrets.
My guess is there’s going to be no real progress for the “infidelity as abuse” construct until the science is done. And the only reason the science hasn’t yet been done is… politics.
It was the same with coercive control. For years and years, advocates tried to yell from the rooftops that, in the DV realm, emotional and psychological abuse and coercion are more devastating and even more lethal than patterns of physical vi0lence. For one there’s the high rate of su*cide among abuse victims which many argue should be included in general domestic m*rder statistics since these deaths are brought about in the same intentional, inexorable way. And then there’s the fact that histories of coercive control– with or without histories of assault– are viewed as the statistical “golden thread” in criminology which best predict risk of domestic m*rder.
The late, great Evan Stark knew that no legislative progress would ever happen regarding coercive control without the definitive science to back it up so, like Little Red Hens, Stark and his wife Ann Flitcraft set about doing a lot of that science themselves. They’d done the same thing in the 70s when spearheading the shelter movement in the US and UK (a service structure which wouldn’t exist without them) and just repeated the strategy regarding CC.
But without the science, dah patriarchy would never allow coercive control laws and policies to pass. And it’s certainly not going to allow this buzz about how– heaven forfend!- infidelity is abuse. The media pile up on CL and Sarah Manguso over the novel Liars made that clear.
Today’s letter was by a male chump and we know (and love) many guy chumps on this forum. But to me, the existence of she-FWs and male survivors isn’t a contradiction to the fact that these male chumps are actually paying for societal denialism and apologism intended to sustain male sexual entitlement. Just to boil down the armchair conclusion I made from working in DV advocacy years ago is that most cases of domestic vi0lence may be nothing more than the brutal enforcement of one-sided monogamy.
I know it’s a “bold assertion” especially when the science doesn’t yet exist to prove it. But I think domestic abuse doesn’t just occasionally involve infidelity tangentially but may actually be wholly driven by the right to cheat while being assured that victims can’t do in kind. It even explains the typical stereotype (which does exist) of the psychotically jealous batterer: pure projection. It really explains everything.
Anyway, as we know from DV statistics, most of this is driven by men. So where does that leave male survivors of coercive control and infidelity? To steal a line from Succession, I think the rule of dah patriarchy (can’t say that with a straight face) is basically that you “have to crack a few Gregs to make a Tomlet.” Though cheating apologism generally props up and shields male sexual control and dominance, sure there will always be a solid smattering of women who take license from this to out-creep the creeps. It can’t be helped and the “femme fatale” trope can even be useful to pretend that most cheating isn’t about male sexual control.
As far as the politics of why these flamingly obvious, simple studies have never been done, I think it boils down to the dick wanting what the dick wants. Studies like that would threaten sexual entitlement so they’re very carefully avoided. Even studies that are incredibly adjacent– like a study of the massively high HIV infection rates among battered women in certain countries– will gymnastically, awkwardly try to avoid making the obvious conclusion that batterers cheat. Those studies don’t necessarily demonstrate that all cheaters batter but the fact that batterers cheat far more than average and in horribly high risk ways is newsworthy enough. But you won’t see that headline any time soon. Because research grants are written by entitled dicks.
If you read and follow the work of evolutionary scientist Richard Wrangham, every evil in the world pretty much traces back to male sexual dominance and entitlement. But, as Wrangham so beautifully illustrates with facts and stats and decades in the jungle hiding behind palm leaves with Jane Goodall, no one pays for this dick entitlement more than males. It’s not just that some women (Wrangham has an incredible explanation for this too) draw license from patriarchal injustice to betray. It’s that men statistically kill men at 8 times the rate they kill women and most children killed in homes with DV are male.
Today’s LW wonders why there aren’t more resources like CL and I always wonder why there aren’t more genuine male feminists. Clearly part of it is that dah patriarchy violently polices against male “traitors” and the manosphere reserves weaponized terms for these men who supposedly can’t keep their boots firmly enough on women’s necks: simps or cucks, whatever. But personally I think the simps and cucks will inherit the earth (and save the ecology). I’ve known decent men and there’s nothing weak about them even if they’re emotionally open enough to get hurt.
Anyway, that’s my general take on it. Hate cheating? Vote for equality, get involved with legislation to protect victims of abuse, etc.
Wow, what a well thought out and insightful response. I really appreciated it and found it very interesting. Some great points and things I’m going to research myself and look into.
Thank you for taking the time to write this extensive and well thought out response. Some great things to ponder.
I appreciate you pointing out and seeing that I’m a male betrayed, without judgement or skepticism. It is a sobering and eye opening experience for sure. It’s also insane how much my situation was exactly the same as others- female or male. The tactics, the fear, the sadness, the stupid hopium.
The thing is, I’m not afraid or embarrassed to talk about my experience anymore. I’ve accepted this has happened to me and I’ve never fallen into the stereotypical male stereotypes anyway.
Any thoughts how we can help advance the research and the science?
The emotional abuse was and still is the worse thing for me. And, to put that in perspective, I recently interviewed a woman who was a cancer survivor and betrayed by her husband of decades. She said that hands down the betrayal was harder and more devastating than the cancer. How insane is that?
Thanks again for your response.
“harder and more devastating than the cancer ” – a thousand times this.
I was diagnosed with an extremely aggressive breast cancer at just 27 years old. I had been with FW for 4 years at that point. The first couple of years was just hoping I wasn’t going to die but accepting the very real possibility I could. I had 6 years of intensive treatment (multiple surgeries, chemo, radio, and more) but here I am, almost 20 years later, fit and well.
I was lucky that my fertility wasn’t affected and I went on to have two amazing children. I just wish I hadn’t had them with him.
Since D-Day last year, a couple of people have said ‘you’ve been through much worse’ – meaning the cancer. It was amazing for me to realise the cancer was nothing compared to his betrayal. Because cancer can happen to anyone and you can’t take it personally. But to be intentionally abused and betrayed by a partner who is supposed to love and care for you the most, that’s about as personal as it gets.
But yes, dealing with that diagnosis and the hellish treatment that followed with such strength and optimism has helped me to know I can dig very deep when I need to and I know me and my kids will be ok. As CL says, a happy intact family, minus a FW!
When I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2011, I was still married to my last FW, and still thinking (because he told me so) that we had a good marriage. I remember thinking that cancer was not nearly as devastating or as hellish as my 1988 divorce from the abusive, Jesus-cheater who evidently preferred men and had married me to conceal that fact from his military superiors. Later, I had another marriage to end when I discovered that my husband was cheating and plotting fatal “accidents” for me. That was much more difficult than the cancer, too. People who have dealt with cancer but not a D-day, abuse or divorce still think that cancer is the worst thing that could happen to you. But for all the reasons you list, they’re wrong.
And p.s. my love and care for him vanished in an instant the moment I discovered his affair and my natural survival instinct kicked in right away. I knew we were over in an instant and there was zero effort on my behalf to try to reconcile. I am forever grateful to myself for that. No more time wasted.
I would like to add that popular culture often seems to romanticize coercive control (or the steps leading up to it): He sweeps her off her feet, he makes her quit her job or leave her country, he’s so great she doesn’t need anyone else anymore, isn’t it romantic? Etc. I wouldn’t be surprised if powerful FW were behind many of those narratives, too.
Of course, those narratives mostly hurt women. However, I believe this could also put pressure on men to use such tools (and worse) to control a woman. If a good guy then gets chumped, it’s easy to blame him (he didn’t work hard enough to sweep her off her feet and gain full control), when in reality, the only healthy thing he can do is cut his losses and move on.
Just wanted to add that, if a “good guy” gives into the “pressure on men to use such tools (and worse) to control a woman,” he’s not a “good guy.”
I think I’ve mentioned to you before that my mother, though fundamentally agnostic, had memorized the entire bible during a boring summer job and particularly loved the quote (for its poetry), “Thou runneth neither hot nor cold but lukewarm and I shall spit thee out.”
That forever influenced my view of “nice guys” who aren’t actually “nice enough” to resist the manosphere and other toxic influences from “dah patriarchy.” They’re horribly lukewarm, like rotting day old shepherd’s pie left to congeal in a sunny dumpster.
All you need to do to de-romanticize coercive control is show the related domestic m*rder stats. Basically he sweeps her off her feet… and then tries to throw her off a cliff.
Oh and– bonus! Scientifically correlating cheating with coercive control/domestic abuse would kill the Reconciliation Industrial Complex.
100% they are paying for societal denial and apologism. My ex wanted to leave his kids and wife behind AND keep his good guy image. And you know what? He has. By cutting me off from access to money, which meant access to a lawyer to defend my rights and reputation. So he may consider the money he spent on lawyers instead of on his children — because he chose to fund his lawyers over his children — well spent. He cares about convincing other people he’s a good father, but can’t muster any interest in his actual children.
Evil is evil is evil. That’s radical evil and the laws really need to change. I hope your kids grow up to be novelists.
Just for kicks, if you have any of FW’s old word salad texts or DARVO emails, feed them all into Google Gemini AI (don’t bother with ChatGPT. It was clearly programed by RIC or Redpill adherents) with a request to filter for “coercive control.” The bot will crunch all the existing social science on CC and diagram every bit of weaponized language FW deploys and will show how this reveals sicko psychology, etc.
I’ve done that before, but I take it with a grain of salt. Reddit data is a foundational component in AI training and development, and that in itself is alarming.
Reddit may be the “front page of the internet,” but it has devolved into a toxic environment where unelected volunteer moderators wield absolute, unaccountable power to censor dissent and enforce rigid ideological echo chambers. Although Reddit finally cracked down on “power moderators” in 2026 the structural damage was already done; years of centralized narrative control created deep-seated distrust and radicalized silos that new rules cannot easily fix. This broken framework is compounded by the anonymity of a user base that is often highly misogynistic, nihilistic, and socially inept, fostering a culture of passive-aggressive hostility where empathy is nonexistent. Driven by a superiority complex and a severe entitlement problem, many users treat the platform not as a space for genuine human interaction and thoughtful discussion, but a scoreboard for their fabricated rage-bait posts and fake internet points. Ultimately, Reddit attracts individuals who are profoundly disconnected from reality, turning cruelty and chaos into a game where they can watch the world burn.
Sorry for the rant. My worst DDay involved Reddit. So I personally associate it with FW. Individual communities might not be bad but like I said before I think it’s a really really negative place to be training AI.
I’m not sure this is only about changing the letter of the laws. The industry surrounding divorce is complicit in pushing the “loving father” narrative on mothers who are protecting their children. Systemic gaslighting. That’s what this post is about, all the enablers. I regrettably crossed paths with at least twenty family-law and -adjacent professionals, and encountered ONE who was actually motivated to help me. She was great, but she was volunteering part-time at a free clinic that was overstretched. They could only give me six hours. As for all the others, they fell into three categories: unquestioning of the status quo; disordered themselves, like my ex; or self-congratulatingly cynical and avaricious.
It’s a filthy bog for sure. But laws that aggressively force the main bread earner to cover spouse’s legal fees, etc., seem to help compensate for post-separation financial abuse.
What good are laws if you can’t afford a lawyer?
Laws in some states aggressively enforce the higher earner to cover the legal fees of the other partner in divorce right off the bat. Some lawyers will accept the motion from a court ensuring their fees will be covered by the opposing party soon in place of retainer, but probably only in states that aggressively enforce. I’ll bet there are fewer attorneys willing to waive that retainer up front in the case the courts don’t force the issue.
Its less likely the state and more likely the individual county and courthouse or in all honesty the judge presiding and their mood that day…
Im in the process of this right now all of the evidence brought forward directly to child support officers was ignored. I followed all legal recommendations from low cost attorneys, DVC advocacy legal clinics, after dealing with a disordered attorney who misfiled everything and shiesty attorney who did not disclose the conflict of interest with ExFw. ExFW weaponized the privacy protections we had to get against him because of ongoing harassment from his bunnyboiler into refusal to provide his financial disclosures after having to subpoena him for the information was too mean and he claimed I was the problem. And just like that it’s a both sides are the problem issue.
Court last week he was ordered to provide his financial disclosure after 5 years of noncompliance and reimbursement of his half of expenses, showed his proven history of underreporting his income to the state on multiple occasions, questioned his switching jobs right after being served paperwork, the third party asset shielding etc. he never even received a slap on the wrist for ignoring it. The states child support officer didn’t even review my information. It was an absolute sh*t show.
Where are these places that actually follow the law as it is written and in the best interest of the child ?
The lawyer who finally got me a divorce advised me based on the assumption that my husband would not pay anything he was ordered to. The bargaining started off assuming his continued impunity was guaranteed by my lack of resources. Correctly.
Sadly I assume you’re right that it’s probably county to county and judge to judge. Technically NY is supposed to have the best laws on the books in that regard but, from what I’ve heard from fellow chumps, it has terrible enforcement.
If there was ever an industry to be taken over by AI the legal system is at the top of the list.
And we’ll all throw a party when that happens.
MovingOn, I relate. In five years, my ex never complied either. It was a trickle-truth of financial disclosure. His lawyer claimed he’d submitted what he was supposed to — not even close, but who was going to challenge her? We were in the legal murk that is pre-trial negotiations. I had no choice but to trust my supposedly top-notch lawyer — what did I know? She acted like she was doing me a favor, calling me every six weeks.
This went on for years while my ex stonewalled, changing lawyers until he found one willing to repeat his claims — again a well-regarded one. Meanwhile the “really good” lawyer I had pinned my hopes on future-faked me, went missing, ignored my pleas that I was running out of money, then finally delivered the coup de grace after a little over a year and hit me with a bill for fifteen thousand dollars for one month, which cleaned me out entirely. I didn’t have that much left. This after months and months of promising a settlement was imminent. I had to pull the plug with nothing to show for seventy thousand dollars in fees but a couple of letters to address my ex’s false parental alienation claims. Not one document filed with the court. Just hours of phone conversations between him and his attorneys (he switched a second time during this period), a few phone calls with me (I don’t know about you guys, but never a frank or definitive statement passed her lips in these conversations: where are the Laura Dern lawyers from Marriage Story, the Danny Devito lawyers from War of the Roses??!), emails and a couple of letters, and document reviews. Boom, seventy thousand bucks, gone with nothing changed and nothing to show for it. Wasted chasing the ex’s lying chaos.
First I was chumped by my husband, and then, now a certified chump, I was dropped onto the conveyor belt of freshly vulnerable, faceless supplicants of the court and fed into the insatiable maw of the RIC grinder. Suckered twice.
It was actually a relief to stop that lawyer’s gaslighting. My experience has been that,like my ex, the family law world harbors contempt for women and children, while paying them lip service.
(This only describes chapter one of my five-year divorce. I think of it now as the pre-wandering-in-the-desert period. There were years of continuing intimidation and bullying to come.)
The betrayal trauma hell of the lack of justice in the justice system isn’t something I would wish on my worst enemy. My heart goes out to you. I’m really glad you shared your experience. It makes me feel less alone and like I’m not crazy or wrong for being upset.
I genuinely thought I was the problem with my 2nd Attorney (a dual-state one) until she tried the F*ckwit classic of ‘it ‘s-not-what-you-said-it ‘s-the-way-you-say-it’ schtick when I dared to follow up on the work she claimed she was doing and questioned her block billing compared to the work she provided. I didn’t even know about the subpoenas sent to the wrong organization or the misfiled paperwork in both states before she rage-quit right before an important hearing. I just remember having an issue with the sheer amount of rework I was being billed for because she didn’t even put the right info in those documents before they went out, let alone the lack of communication or follow-through on her end once the retainer cleared. I started applying the Bill Eddy method of dealing with her towards the end. My husband was hospitalized for a medical emergency, and I was newly pregnant, with 3 other kids, one with special needs, dealing with the fallout of her f*ckup.
The dual-state one was after the local Attorney 1 in ExFW’s hometown, who didn’t disclose the conflict of interest of his law firm representing my ex for the drug stuff, and I was basing my custody changes on it. I only found out when I recognized the name of a legal assistant who was a former drug person of ExFW, and then later found out another legal assistant was friends with ExFW’s girlfriend. The girlfriend and the 2nd LA died of an overdose within a month of each other, and the 1st LA was sentenced to prison because of her involvement. By then, the ink was dry on the unenforceable order that was heavily favorable to him. Attorney 1 was far better at communicating than Attorney 2. He answered every question I had thoroughly and wasn’t a jerk when I had follow-up questions, until I discovered the conflict. Then he stonewalled me and refused to hand over my (incomplete and completely disorganized) file, which contained another client’s info, to attorney 2 for about 6 months. I received a $250 discount off my final bill, which was it, and he threatened to sue me if I didn’t pay him. I did begrudgingly, and I haven’t reported it because. I was worried about how it would impact my case.
I had the ExFW bunny boiler appear about a year after, and the stalking ramped up after the 2nd Attorney’s f*ckups became clear after having to do the pro se court stuff while pregnant and postpartum. She still haunts us years later.
Ive worked with many probono or low cost DV related law firms between now and then for the most part they did a better job than the high paid attorneys but the high turnover although understandable was unhelpful . I had a meeting with a law clinic about my case recently, and they had no idea how to help because my case was too complicated and they didn’t even know about some of the forms I requested even existed…
So sorry to hear you encountered this AND a stalker, on top of everything else. That is a seriously dysfunctional law firm!
I also couldn’t pay the full final bill of my fancy law firm. That settlement they’d promised (and the other side promised) was going to happen any day never did arrive. They took seventy thousand bucks, then threatened me for not fully paying the last month after they’d bilked me of my entire savings. (Is it too strong to say “bilked”? Let’s just say things went very slow, and were very expensive. Some services were rendered.) And the lawyer stopped taking my calls. It was just like the dynamic in my by-then dead marriage: I was mindful of that lawyer’s other obligations, respected her time, was polite and not demanding, and handed the money over meekly, trusting the process. I believed her reassurances. I tried to be a good client, not waste time, for her sake and also to use the billed time effectively. Limited my emails to the bare minimum. She was nice enough (but just enough), when I did get some rare phone time with her.
The icing on the cake of course was being billed for my attorney to read all the ex’s incontinent emails. I thought I was doing everything right by being cool and collected while he was rude, imperious, emotional, presumptuous, demanding, ridiculous, inconsistent, sloppy, histrionic. Wrong, wrong, wrong. The therapists, mediators, lawyers all ate it up. I was suspect anyway.
Attorney 1 law firm absolutely and I don’t use this term lightly but the local area he and Ex is so notorious for corruption and incompetence it had its own netflix special that went megaviral. Attorney 2 switched law firms 3 times during my representation and I had to fork over new retainers each and burned threw her paralegals.
I don’t think Bilked is strong enough to describe what would went through. 70k is obscene. We took out a second mortgage for 2nd Attorney. I feel your pain.
I get the frustration I thought I was doing everything right following the Bill Eddy K.E.E.P C.A.L.M B.I.F.F method. Nope. Now I’m sitting on a mountain of evidence that I don’t know what to do with and quite frankly think the court will likely ignore.
Yes. First the RIC made a meal of me with my ex’s help, and then the family courts had a go. It took a while to realize I was being chumped again. And by “being chumped”, I mean having my trust violated. At one point, I managed to navigate the system by myself and got in front of a judge. It took about nine months of lining up legal clinic help, missing filing requirements and starting again, filing documents. Many missteps, being rejected, going back. What motivated me was that if only I could get in front of the family court, they would call out the deadbeat dad and I would get relief. When my day finally came that I’d worked for, the judge briefly glanced at the document in front of him, turning the page with his thumb and index finger with distaste. It certainly looked to me as if that was the only moment he spent acquainting himself with my case. Then he listened to my husband’s expensive lawyer, and listened to me, for about seven minutes altogether, and denied my application. To me, that was rock bottom.
There’s no doubt in my mind that the secondary denial by relatives, friends, experts and professionals, and institutions is worse than the original betrayal. Everything would have been different for me and my children if we’d met with robust, unqualified support and the FW had been met with strong disapproval and immediate consequences. The doubt seeded in my children’s minds by the lack of a clear message that his behavior was unconscionable is a an unfair burden on their innate natural desire for things to make sense.
Watch Epstein survivor Dani Hannah Bensky’s statement from yesterday (May 29. 2026). The people who broke the law by being part of a sex-trafficking operation still are evading justice with the active cooperation of AGs after twenty years. Simply because they have attained professional authority and wealth, the same factors at play in the tacit understanding between my FW and the gatekeepers of our case.
Unfortunately some of the higher earners are chumps who have been drained by a cheater. Not me, I am honestly thankful that I was a low earner when it hit. While there was no significant money to split, as he had squandered it on the town bicycle, and gambling; he did have to take over the debt.
He of course got to keep the collateral; (real estate) but it was still a good thing for me. I worked two jobs, and went to school for several years; but I didn’t start out in debt.
It sounds like you wanted to be free more than anything else.
I’m hoping that coercive control legislation spreads and can be used by chumps to block FWs from screwing them in divorce whether this involves chumps getting better settlements or being able to block FWs from grubbing for alimony.
Of course. I wanted to be free of this embarassing, awful person as soon as I realized what I was dealing with. I wanted a fair agreement and dignity. I wanted my privacy. Not to be dragged through years of having strangers paw through my personal, intimate story and pass judgment.
More legislation means absolutely nothing when the current laws in place are routinely ignored by those in a position of power who could enforce them but choose not to.
I spent at least $150,000.00. All I had. He and his lawyer wouldn’t stop. I ended up selling my jewelry to buy groceries.
Thanks to all the predators who helped my ex do that to me and his kids by pretending they didn’t know he was full of it. Every BS letter and accusation, every BS story on the couch — they knew. And they knew he knew they knew. They could have helped end it, but they took the money instead and let him get away with abandoning his family right in front of their eyes.
The cliched term “the best years of my life” comes to mind. Even years later, because of ongoing litigation abuse, it continues to take away from the life I built after I left ExFW; it continues to take away time and resources from my husband, our other children, and our home. Over $100k easily.
The prolonged complex grief from not standing up for myself fully from the start because I was pressured by my family to make it work, the compounding interest of trauma after discovering new levels of betrayal, hell, even after leaving. Priceless.
The loss of my family and extended family who chose to support a known abuser and the hypocritical evangelizing of magical thinking that f*cked with my head years later because I was too “bitter” to be “forgiving”, all because they chose to believe slanderous gossip from people who cannot maintain sobriety for a day. Is a loss I don’t quite know how to define.
More people are waking up, but the RIC has since pivoted hard into buzzwords and labels about relationship toxicity, personality disorders, and countless armchair diagnoses from influencers have muddied the original intent to inform.
I wish LACGAL weren’t just about infidelity; it applies to so much more than that.
Thankfully I didn’t spend a lot of money — just time. I stayed a decade without knowing about any cheating and went to therapy on my own (because FW refused to go to marriage counseling with me, although he frequently threatened to leave me and the kids because he “wasn’t happy”). That therapy was useful (my therapist way back then labeled FW’s tactics as psychological abuse), and although I was eventually blindsided by D-day, I am grateful that I moved quickly to divorce and got a lawyer who kept costs relatively low.
Lately, 3 years post-Dday, I have been reflecting on how much time it takes to heal.
I went no-contact instinctively and am glad I did. Finding LACGAL and CL has bolstered me in that effort, despite Switzerland friends and other ninnies who think I need to be friends with my cheating ex (mainly because it would make their lives easier, I realize now).
But — three years, and almost totally no-contact (my kids are young adults, so no co-parenting), and I am only now starting to feel like I am regaining some sense of balance.
I’m not totally there yet, frequently wobble, feel sad, and have developed a stress-related health issue that I’m hoping will eventually go away. Sigh. I still read this blog every day because I always find a dose of whatever I need to get through each particular day.
So — yes, no contact is the fastest way to heal. But “fast” is a relative term. I am three years in and counting. Thanks, CL, and all of CN for this space to come to terms with reality.
💕
Yes I/we spent enough to buy a used luxury car, even if the wreckonciliation counseling was sporadic.
It’s cringe worthy that ‘get therapy’ is bandied out as a panacea. Many not ever truly trained in personality disorders and betrayal trauma. My own friend bought into the Patrick what’s his name SA BS and thought she could fix couples, never challenging the RIC until I pointed out the holes from CN. Through DDay #1 and subsequent DDays plus my own social circle I’ve dealt with about 10 therapists. One and only one immediately postulated FW had been cheating a long time possibly since the beginning! It was so outrageous at the time my friends thought she was nuts but as we all know at CN she was spot on. I sometimes wonder if she read Tracy’s book but never went back to her again due to cost.
Choose therapists very carefully. They aren’t omnipotent nor wise and sometimes they are not even honest. Excellent ones are gold.
The horror of what we lived through is worse if we feel alone. It makes us weak, fearful, ashamed and paralyzed. This blog’s power is in exposing the abuser’s pattern, the worldwide playbook as OP noted, astounding similarities in our experiences. Sunlight disinfects and finally not feeling alone, trading stories, learning from each other here is priceless. For newbies this blog is a crash course in Know Thine Enemy.
Tracy’s book and blog is like Copernicus’ lone brave voice pointing out the obvious – planets revolved around the sun, when the world firmly wanted believe earth was the center of our solar system and the church beat down people who disagreed.
I’m forever thankful for this blog. Copernicus was eventually proven right.
Ah, yes, the bs about the cheater being addicted to the high of cheating. I think I bought some of those books, too,though they were since destroyed . The theory was to have empathy for his FOO issues that made him lie and cheat for decades. No thanks. Lots of wasted dead trees from Amazon.
What did the RIC cost me? Well, in truth not a lot of money in direct fees. In the thousands of dollars for sure…but it was not in “new car territory”. The majority of marriage counsellors we saw, (4 out of 6 over a span of 15 years) were paid for by my work benefit plan.
Where I really took it in the neck was with respect to the Separation Agreement. In Ontario Canada (where we lived together at the time) no-fault divorce is the law. Because I earned significantly more, and because he was self-employed at the time, he engineered his income to be even lower in the year before the wheels fell off of our marriage. Spousal support in Ontario potentially increases the longer the marriage has existed. So…my FW had a very good legal case for a large spousal support claim.
Had I exited the marriage earlier (which I likely would have done had I not been chasing the unicorns and rainbows peddled by the RIC) I would have paid little to no spousal support. The difference in spousal support was definitely in “new luxury car territory”.
So yeah – in terms of dollars and cents (even Canadian dollars and cents), the RIC ended up costing me a ton of money. If only that was the biggest and most important cost to me. But you know folks…the only regret I have now about ending my mirage is that I did not do it sooner.
Same here. We only spent a few thousand on therapy, but while he was stringing me along, he talked me into signing millions of dollars in mortgages, and “invested” still more in his failing business. What a sleazy SOB.
That sleazy bastard, deliberately planning for the day when he was going to sponge off of you by lowering his income and stringing you along for a long enough period to get more support. That makes me so angry for you. I hope his d*** gets gangrene from the swampy places he sticks it in and has to be amputated.
LOL…I nearly spit out my tea when I read your comment.
As many of you have said here before…the FW’s punishment is that they are still a FW at the end of the day. They will likely never change. They don’t have the motivation, the capacity or the desire to change. I would argue that the older ones don’t even have enough time left before they shake off this mortal coil to make the necessary and numerous changes. Assuming they even wanted to change in the first place.
A FW’s punishment is a life sentence of living with themselves. Notwithstanding the image they love to curate and project to the world of happiness and success – they are really very miserable SOBs.
I don’t invest much time in thinking about revenge. Living my best life is the best revenge if you ask me. But thanks for the solidarity OHFFS. It made my day.
In 12-Step programs, it’s the Serentity Prayer. In Buddhism, it’s “Chop wood, carry water”. Both are free/low cost and probably more effective for moving on and healing.
Should I have been counseled to fight? To depose the OW and tally the harm done? Is that why embezzlement is less common than infidelity?
I think the narrative is changing, but it’s slow. Society at large still views marriage as ideal and singlehood as a disease, which puts tremendous pressure on people to save their (terrible) marriage at all costs and judges them if they can’t.
Now let me answer the question as my last note I did not.
What I have seen about the narrative is that it is not the cheaters who keep the secrets but the RIC driven chumps who remain martyred- I mean married to their cheater. They tell others of their success, they keep the secrets, they write co books with their “cured” cheater, they go on talk shows,…we know.there are years and better tactics in between D days and they stay.
They are not shamed, they are applauded and they join the RIC mentality to sing the rewards of staying. I know several in my congregation along with the cheaters that remarry OW or anyone else but become upstanding converted “no more cheating for them people. They are gregarious and so happy after the affairs. They look all cleaned up and varnished.
My #1 cheater stayed married to OW 28 years and counting. He looks stable and cured #2 cheater remains in the pew with new wife all shined up.
It’s the numbers and the testimonials weighed against a horrific divorce, loss and single hood with weekend visits. It’s the story absolutely no one wants to linger on.
The Chump who leaves has to be strong with zero desire for that cheater life again.it is a slag through quick sand. Who wants to hear that?
VERY FEW can maintain the story like CHUMP LADY and hold all our voices in her heart and mind.
There is no one close to CL because she is the wisest and knows the underbelly of the beast. She has a beautiful voice, a blood stained pen and never losses her righteous indignant anger. She will not shut up and sit down. Nope, she puts out another addition of her book and keeps drawing cartoons!
CL is Just like those researchers who investigate rare diseases for the NIH and can’t quit even if their pay is slashed and no one cares anymore. Tracy never stops and I love her forever for that.
My therapist told me that if I had spent as much time studying a more useful subject, instead of trying to figure out my narcissistic ex, I could have had my Ph.D.
It’s not a total loss. Doubtless due to your doctorate level education on the ways of narc FWs you now know how to recognize the type and how to avoid falling into their traps. Silver linings I guess.🤷
My D-day was almost two months ago. FW and I have started couples counseling as part of his promise to “fix it.” So far I can see that our therapist places our relationship far ahead of my reality and is super enthused to help us reconcile. I do not share her hope as I am struggling with FW’s continued manipulation. I only recently discovered this space and not a moment too soon. Despite taking a strong dose of hopium soon after D-day, I am realizing that FW is exactly everything that label implies and I am SO not deserving of the way he’s treated me. I am sitting deep in the hurt and sadness but I have started working with a therapist of my own who is helping me to find my courage and resolve. Thank you to all who add to this space. It is so nice to not feel crazy. In terms of the RIC, it is alive and well which really sucks for chumps such as myself. Until very recently I have sat wondering why I am so angry and just can’t be a good, little forgiving wife. Shame on me for not understanding the pain he’s endured that made him cheat nor his present sad-sausageness. I’m just now getting to the mindset that FW and OW deserve each other. Wish me luck on my journey, all.
I’m so sorry you have recently started going through this. I wish you luck finding a way out of the pain quickly and with strength.
LACGAL was instrumental for me to start see that reconciliation was not going to work. You will find so much useful information in chumpladys book that will mirror your FW.
The other thing is, set boundaries. Boundaries really helped see that FW was just playing games. If your FW blows through your boundaries, there are your clear answers.
You did not deserve what you are going through and you deserve someone that treats you with the love and respect you deserve.
This will be a very hard time for you and I’m sorry for that, but come to this space often for support.
You have an entire community behind you.
Play along with the couples counseling if that buys you time to get your ducks in a row to divorce the FW and know that therapist is a charlatan to be ignored.
I wasted another 26 years not leaving after DDay #1. Because both of the counselors were morons who wouldn’t/didn’t tell a pretty young professional woman to leave the cheater when there was no kids or property involved.
Get out now. Don’t be me.
You’re lucky to have found this blog. We’re cheering you on the whole way!
Thank you for your insight. Yes, I am playing along for now as I have several ducks in a free for all. But once I have my stuff in order I want to be done with FW. He’s been nothing but a leech and a con artist. I won’t let him take advantage of me anymore.
It’s all new to me too, NC2026, but I can tell you that with each small step you take toward leaving, the glimmer of a new and better life becomes a bit brighter. After just three months, I’m already feeling some unexpected optimism about my future, and it feels wonderful. Stay strong; we’re with you.
It took me about 2.5 to 3 months to start to open my eyes. I am glad I never went to counseling, this was many years ago; and thank God I couldn’t afford counseling. A lot of damage can be done to a Chump in those first couple months of desperation and confusion.
A bit later I did go to a 12 week church based group counseling, but that was based on moving on from a D, not rehashing the relationship. It did help me, and it was very affordable. It was not the church I was a member of, though my pastor and his wife were wonderful in helping me.
The counselor that I have for myself (not our marriage counselor) has been great in encouraging me to “check the facts” before I let him rewrite my entire reality. I thank her endlessly for that. Seems like such a simple thing, but when I think of all the times I just let things go because he convinced me that my perception was wrong even though I had all the facts in front of me it makes me grieve for all the wasted time. Cheers to seeing clearly…finally.
Thank you! I’m holding onto these tokens of support.
Best of luck and I’m sorry you have been treated so badly. It is fortunate that you found CL before you spent years trying to twist yourself into a pretzel in order to keep a dead relationship. I found CL not long after DDay and was already not wanting to reconcile, but it certainly helped firm my resolve. Here’s wishing you a great new cheater free life once you have healed. Please know that you will heal, especially if you have a good therapist who is not a cheater apologist, which is a rare and precious thing.
She is definitely not a cheater apologist and I could not be more thankful for her insight at this time. Thank you so much for wishing me well.
Good luck, and keep reading this blog! You’ll find lots of support here.
I have been overwhelmed (in the best way possible) with the kindness and compassion on this blog. Thank you for wishing me luck.
I agree with our leader Chump Lady on this; one big reason is money. A lot of people are making a lot of money telling people they can reconcile.
Yep, and they focus on manipulating the chump because they know the chump is the only one who is going to change. The chump then goes on to lead a life of quiet desperation, conceding to unreasonable FW demands in the hope of avoiding being cheated on again, while the RIC quack smugly congratulates him/herself for “saving the relationship.”
36 hours after I found out about FW affair, it was 2am in the morning and I booked online a marriage counselor for the next morning. I was out of my mind. Hadn’t eaten or slept. I am so lucky I randomly chose the one I did. I spent money for two sessions – for the first session with the two of us (which he reluctantly came to) and then for a session with just me. She told she thinks he is a narcissist and that is not how you should treat your wife, even in this situation. I can still remember her face contorted in horror as I told her what he had said and done in the hours and days after I found out about his years long affair. If I ever wobble, I remember that face. I am lucky she got it and gave me a name for it. It put me on the right path. And then I found chump lady. I was looking at my diary from back then and it said „ Found chumplady.com today !!!!!!! This will get me through it. It backs up my whole experience and give me hope to find a new life and kick a$$. It was his sense of entitlement to go out and cheat. He never really cared about me – only for my fanning of his ego. He is sorry only because his image is ruined. he is a sh!! head to throw it away for a shaved pu€€y on occasion when he is on business trips.“ Thanks CL and CN for getting it and helping me through the hardest time in my life.
One of the reasons is that people badly want to believe in Hollywood style happy endings. They would like the cheater to see the error of his/her ways, realize what’s important and that he/she really loves the chump, leading to a genuine recommitment and change in behavior and values.
In real life that rarely happens.
My FW tried to use that on me when I poo-pooed his sincerity about wanting to reconcile. He sputtered, “But…but…don’t you understand that you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone?”
I told him he was quoting inane song lyrics to me as an argument and that even if it was true, why would I want to be with somebody that stupid? What would my assurance be that he wouldn’t “forget” what he had as soon as the next skank sent his ego soaring by flirting with him? I pointed out that an ego driven person can’t be trusted to resist kibbles.
Somewhat to his credit he admitted what I said rang true. He could see it intellectually, but cheaters don’t operate in relationships based on intellect or reason, they are driven by the most base and puerile of emotions. That’s one of the reasons you can’t believe anything they promise or claim, because it will most often be an empty rationalization which is actually the opposite of their infantile feelings and beliefs. Sometimes they aren’t even lying, they just believe their own BS.
Therapists are not immune to the lure of believing in cheater character change as seen in countless rom coms and in novels. The only difference is that they think therapy is what creates the change rather than an epiphany. Others don’t believe and don’t care, they are only interested in soaking you for all the money they can get. They know they can get the chump to make concessions and sacrifices (as evidenced by the chump’s willingness to try to stay with a cheater) so they focus on that since they know the cheater is not going to change. Hence the blame shifting and cheater apologism. It’s to get you to change and be more compliant to the demands of the entitled FW. Then, after making thousands of dollars abusing you, they can put it in their win column, claiming they “saved” a marriage. F*** every one of them.
I do know there are good therapists who neither believe in fairy tales nor cynically manipulate patients, it’s just that they are the minority IMO.
As an adolescent I was sent to many therapists and every last one of them was either an idiot, a fraud, a weirdo, a bully or some combination thereof. I’ve listened to countless stories of other people’s experiences with therapy as well so I’m pretty confident that I’m not wrong about this.
Hope is way easier to sell than:
You will lose some of your assets
You may have to sell and leave a home you love
You will likely have less time with your children
You will lose some family members
You will lose some friends
Now, we here on the other side understand it is worth that to get away from a cheater. But damn, doesn’t hope that we can change somebody else sound so much more enticing than the cold bucket of ice water that is reality? The cold bucket of ice water only becomes appealing when you realize that’s the only way to get your pain to truly stop. There is no more hope.
I spent time, way too much precious time, on a faux reconciliation.
Now Im in my 60s and beginning again.
Luckily, I found Chump lady early on. I looked into one of those RIC marriage weekends. But after seeing the cost and what CL said, I abstained. Tried the marriage counseling. Found a male Phd therapist. I met separately and had FW meet separately few times then met together. Very helpful he diagnosed FW as a narcissist, I suspected OCPD. Learned about Covert narcs. The therapist didnt recommend reconciliation. That was helpful. Im sure if we only did couples counseling, he wouldn’t have said that. I dont think anyone should do couples counseling, only individual. Only time I can see that being helpful is if you do premarital counseling. They can help you talk about big issues like money, kids, sex. Figure it out snd get on same page before you waste time in a marriage. Its not romantic but its practical. Of course FW can do future faking.
Hi Chump Lady! Thanks for answering my post and your perspective, it’s always appreciated and accurate.
I hear you about the whole “narcissistic” movement, which absolutely has a ton of overlap. It still sucks that the thing most people will find when the first have their discover day is how to save or reconcile the marriage, without having any idea how much it will likely hurt them emotionally.
One thing I forgot to ad in my post is this- it seems to me that the big reconciliation companies were started by or run by people who have cheated. To me, that’s so messed up in hindsight, hello mister arsonists, how do I put out a fire?
Thanks again for your perspective. I’ll check out those other resources you mentioned. My hope is that more people find your/this perspective first after d-day, it will save them so much time and pain.
‘Why in the hell aren’t there more “Chump Lady” like resources out there?’
I hope I’m following in the footsteps of ChumpLady with what I call ‘Part 2 Of Your (Love?) Life.
I think the world needs to start seeing infidelity and abandoning a marriage as creepy, not macho.
Not halfway socially acceptable the way it does now.
Grownup men and women shouldn’t be making excuses about ‘not meeting my needs’ or ‘feeling unhappy and that culminated in an affair’.
I recently read a wonderful comment on Reddit.
“Imagine you walk into a room and you find your spouse mating with someone else and they jump up and say “I’m so sorry, let’s reconcile”.
That’s what you’re agreeing to when you “reconcile”.
I shared this comment on Talk About Marriage (the Coping with Infidelity section), where for several years I have been fighting an endless battle with the fanatics of “reconciliation” and advocating CL’s ideas.
Do you know what they told me? Something like this: “This is an incorrect description of the situation, because the disclosure /confrontation/catching red-handed, the reactions of the cheater and their victim, apologies, a request for “reconciliation” and decision-making must be sufficiently separatedt in time!” That is, in my example, everything is clear to everyone that this is the end, but if days, months, or years pass between these events, then “reconciliation” is very possible.
Ugh!