Is Cheating Okay If It Ends Up As ‘Love’?
The Cut asks: Is cheating is okay if you end up with the ‘love of your life’? The Friday Challenge is to share the Chump Nation perspective on this question. And — bonus points — let us know how the twu wuv worked out for the Schmoopies.
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All’s fair in love and war.
Right? There are no Geneva Conventions. It’s Twu Wuv by any means necessary. If that includes mate poaching, so be it.
Unless, of course, you’re collateral damage. In which case, this question seems patently moronic. There are ethical ways to end a relationship.
The ever-so-edgy The Cut of New York Magazine asks readers to weigh in. (Click bait! Share your outrage or narcissistic obliviousness here!)
Is cheating okay if you end up with the love of your life?
- Is embezzling pension funds okay if it funds your retirement in the Caymans?
- Is drowning kittens okay if we have a surplus of kittens and it reduces the overall average?
- May I pistol whip an old lady if it results in a personal growth journey for me?
I can do this all day.
Maybe you can too. How did the “Love of Their Lives” experiment go? Reports I get here on Schmoopie twu wuv tend to involve bus tire tracks, judging by all the OW letters I’ve gotten here over the years. (You’re not going to believe this — he LIED to her too!)
Or, they’re still together but fighting over the cost of a Sainsbury bag as they live together in a grotty one-bedroom. Or, Schmoopie left her before the ink was dry on the divorce papers. Or they’re both in an eternal pick me dance, forever hyper vigilant because they both chose cheaters.
I could do this all day.
But it’s your turn. So, is cheating okay if it results in Twu Wuv?
TGIF!
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Treating your committed partner badly by cheating, abandoning, abusing, and a host of other bad behaviors is not what they signed up for. My divorce had what my attorney called the “four A’s”: abuse, abandonment, addiction, and adultery. All that and more.
At the very least, give them a decent divorce if you have found “true love” elsewhere or want to go looking for it. My older attorney said that rarely happens, though, in partners who have bestowed the “four A’s.” Usually, they’re so disordered in their ways that they give their partner a rotten, expensive divorce on top of everything. Yes, that’s why I hired one of the best attorneys in my metropolitan area. He got it done.
I was told by a relative of his some time back that my ex had at last found “true love” after blowing up marriage and family, followed by a bad divorce.
Well, as my bestie likes to say with a bit of snark in this sort of situation, “Good luck with that.”
Ugh
Do the ends justify the means? Is it okay to cheat on a test to improve your grade? If one really thinks they found their perfect match, end the current relationship honestly, like an adult. Not a 16 year-old. This is crap. And as you mentioned, non e of my ex FW’s betrayal objects became real relationships. They all had other betrayal objects, too. There were no engagements, no marriages, mo living together. Just lots of lies on both sides as they all juggle multiple people at one time. Sorry, this does not compute.
I’d guess most FWs just want to sleep around. And there’s nothing wrong with that, if you’re not in a monogamous relationship, and you’re not lying to anybody or spreading STIs, or sleeping with people who ARE in monogamous relationships. (On a related note, not my thing, but I try not to judge.)
They may kid themselves otherwise though. But they’re always looking around for somebody “better.”
Yes, always looking for somebody better. That really sums it up!
Ex-Mrs LFTT’s relationship with her AP predated our relationship; he was married at the time and she was her AP. Their original relationship broke up because they worked for the same organisation, and the organisation made it quite clear that they were to “stop or else ….!” I married now Ex-Mrs (whilst unaware of her history as a Cheater) in the early 90s. I suspect that he always was “the one” as far as she was concerned, as they got together (or at least got caught getting together) after his second marriage failed. They are still together now (10 years+ after they were busted by the kids) and would appear to be happy; I say “appear” because I’ve never met him and I have as little to do with Ex-Mrs LFTT as I possibly can.
Is any of this OK? No …. because their path to the happiness that they believe that they were entitled to caused immeasurable damage to our kids (all three have needed therapy, and two of them were self-h*rming at one point) as well as to myself (enough said). The Ends (happiness) does not justify the Means (lies, deceit, manipulation, theft, cheating, gaslighting etc etc etc).
They would appear to be happy, but I doubt that they ever ask themselves what the cost of that happiness was and who paid it
LFTT
My life experience has been that the end never justifies the means. And the end is always affected by the means used to employ it. I don’t know why, but that’s how my life has worked.
FW and AP, despite being married for years, are still hiding their origin story from the kids so I’d have to say that even *they* don’t believe that their marriage makes it all OK.
Agreed. If they’re hiding it, that suggests they think there’s something wrong with it.
All the cheaters I know—or at least the ones I know whose relationships started through cheating—tend to sugarcoat their story.
One acquaintance even showed me, right before their anniversary, this personalized little booklet where their “how we met” story was turned into a cute comic. You know, like they secretly met up, fell for each other, kissed—basically made it all look sweet and innocent.
The former affair partner—now the wife—of another acquaintance’s dad is still going on about how she “rescued” him from his marriage (with two kids!), even decades later. Supposedly, he was just miserable there.
And my own ex-husband? Apparently he “just matured late” and didn’t know what was good for him back then.
I had the misfortune of seeing a company newsletter from the company my cheating ex and his Schmoopie (girlfriend of 12 years) work at together, and there was a “getting to know you” profile about her. It said that she met her partner at a previous job where they bonded over card games and a love of beer and travel. I don’t really expect them to say that they bonded over her glittery newness and getting off on deceiving me and her husband and leaving 3 kids fatherless, but they sure put a shine on their love story that it doesn’t deserve.
They tell people that they’ve been together 10 years, so clearly they know on some level that the real story is shameful. Someone would notice that he has a 13 year old daughter and make the connection.
Sitting at Thanksgiving having been invited..there were 2 cheaters..both talked smack about their Exs and how happy they were now with new wives. I took exception and said HEY I was cheated on, can we not celebrate your happiness with me sitting here??? They were both bragging about their choices. The symptoms and personality of a cheater never changes. I’d not want to be married to either cheater.for a nanosecond. And they are probably bragging and lying every step of the way.
You can’t believe a word
Good for you for speaking up!
But if they didn’t say that there’d be no kibbles!
‘ We cheated, broke up our families and behaved like arseholes ‘ kind of takes the shine off it.
Cheating by definition means to act dishonorably or unfairly. To use deceit, fraud, tricks or break rules to deprive someone of something.
Society generally despises someone who cheats to win a sports competition, steal money or resources, get a better grade, or virtually anything else, except a marriage or committed relationship.
If cheating to gain a partner is OK, what would happen if you extend that? Would it be OK to steal someone else’s kid if you really want one? Or if you want that particular child, who is more attractive, talented or useful than your own? Is it OK to discard or disown your own kids because your interest has shifted?
It’s no coincidence that people who abandon their partners by cheating often abandon their kids, too.
I agree with the last part, even with college kids. So mine were older when Dad hightailed it to the beach for separation #2.
He texted them a handful of times in the first year apart. That was it. Sometimes, when I talked to him on the phone (always painful), he’d tell me to say hello to them or something along those lines. Nothing really meaningful. I had both of them in therapy and had to somehow navigate his neglect in a decent way. Usually, I agreed that he wasn’t acting like a good parent should and redirected.
Then he sent large checks in cards for a while. They asked me what to do. I said, “Cash it, and then whatever you think is best.” I suggested that they buy something fun for themselves and use the rest for school, which they did. He was not helping with college expenses, so it did help in a backhanded way.
Then, finally, after he hadn’t seen them face-to-face or talked to them on the phone in four years, he invited them to visit. I offered to drive them to the airport, or whatever they wanted. They didn’t go.
I dunno, clearly a relationship with them wasn’t a priority, and they were beyond custody age, so there was no legal obligation that I had to facilitate. Naturally, he blamed and gamed with me over that, but I refused to play. We haven’t heard from him in some years now.
Before getting enlightened I had a seriously broken picker. It’s true, I did. 4 relationships 4 cheaters. I felt as though every time I walked into a room I would get a kick in the ass. As I had said broken picker my first relationship was my inauguration to the world of relationship skull surgery. She was indeed pleasing to the eye, nice to most, intelligent in a scholastic way,a sexual firestorm and had all the surface level desirability metrics. Claiming devotion to only me I felt secure trusting her, what a mistake! The three years we spent together came to a crashing end after she spent a weekend her childhood friend’s cabin in Canada. There she apparently met, fell for and consumated a relationship with the soul mate sent from heaven ( Hey Leroy!) they were in love and she was hell bent on living her truth with him. It stung but what would I do? The whirlwind of a relationship culminated with a fabulous wedding and a delusional happy ever after. 3 months later I get a phone call ( this was the late 70’s no Internet no caller ID) and it’s Leroy. A very heartbroken Leroy told me that she had been ( que the serious background music) unfaithful. He wanted to know how I navigated my discovery of their relationship. I had no words of advice but we did become commiserate friends. Fast forward 47 years later. I’m at a 65th birthday party and I’m tapped on the shoulder, low and behold it’s her! With a very frail husband number 4 in tow I was told how great I looked and how the years have been good to me and that we should meet up sometime. Holy hell.. what’s that saying about spots and leopards
Wow, trolling for another victim right in front of the current sucker. I bet she made sure she’s in his will.
Of course, the fact that the cheater ended up meeting the “love of his life” or his “soulmate” does not objectively justify his behavior. But for the person who was cheated on, it can certainly feel that way. It becomes even worse when the cheater is particularly concerned with maintaining his image.
In my case, when everything finally came out, it turned out that over the past few years he had already developed feelings for other women multiple times. Once it was a colleague who lived in another country, and once another colleague who had only been with the company for a few months. At that point, he was already emotionally involved with someone else again and had probably at least started an emotional affair with her—but he kept that from me.
To be fair, I actually believe him that nothing physical happened with the first two. “Soulmate number three” had only started working at the company two months before he discarded me. When an acquaintance of mine ran into the two lovebirds a few months later, the first thing he said was that it had only “developed after the separation.”
So while I feel lied to, devalued, and discarded, my ex is telling himself that he ended the marriage (20 years) in a proper way—and is therefore not a cheater.
Is that really true?
People often say that a cheater should have ended the marriage or relationship before getting involved with someone else. In my case, he technically did that. Does that mean he’s redeemed? Does it mean everything was done fairly and properly—and I just didn’t get the memo that he had already checked out long ago?
By the way, he and “Shmoopie” are still together. They live together, work together, and are raising her child—something he always claimed he never wanted.
My sympathies go out to the child.
If your FW told you they weren’t involved before he broke up with you, he is lying. So no, it isn’t true that he ended it properly. You already know he had emotional affairs before, so the same applies to the one he broke up with you for. He didn’t end it with you just to explore the *possibility* of an involvement with someone else, he did it because he was involved already. He is a serial cheater, whether he had sex with them or not.
Romantically inclined cheaters (as opposed to those who admit it’s just sexual) tend to be the kind of people who “fall in love” often and it never really means jack sh**. It’s just a series of shallow infatuations because they are shallow people. They childishly believe that no matter how often they are proven wrong about finding their soul mate, each time it’s “different” and they have finally found the right person.
My FW thought he had found his twu wuv too. Then suddenly, when she got angry because he admitted the affair after he was caught, she wasn’t his soul mate anymore. Like turning off a light switch. That’s how shallow their feelings are.
So my parents met at work, and cheated on their spouses with each other (I don’t know for how long), before eventually leaving (or being caught? I don’t know this part either). I wasn’t an affair baby – they divorced their spouses, got married, and I was born after that – but it’s still a part of the story of how my parents met. When I was a teenager, my mom talked about it with me, painting it as a somewhat romantic story…her first husband was controlling and wanted her to be a good little housewife, while my dad was so different from him, he was also “trapped” in a bad marriage, with a self-absorbed wife…
At the time I guess I bought it, and didn’t really think about the lies they must both have told, the hurt they caused. They were my parents, and they were (I thought) happy together, so that was that.
My dad ended up cheated on my mom (apparently not the first time) and leaving for a woman at work when I was in my early 20s. Go figure. After that, my mom admitted (not to me, but I heard about it) that there were many times she wanted to leave my dad, but she felt like she had blown up her whole life for this and she needed to make it work to make it worth it.
That sucks, and makes me sad for her, but also…truly, if you’re unhappy, break up first!
If my ex had just broken up with me before she cheated…well, it would have still absolutely sucked, but at least it wouldn’t have had all this other garbage piled on top of the normal breakup suckage! Not only did I have to deal with my marriage ending, but I have to grapple with fun thoughts like “Am I the biggest fool in the world to have not noticed?” and “Are all people lying to me all the time?” and “How can I trust anyone again ever?”, etc.
I guess if I think about it, for some cheaters they justify things like… “I found this other person and I’ve been unhappy for a while and I do want to leave anyway, but I don’t want to blow everything up just in case this thing doesn’t work out so maybe I’ll just keep both going for a while and see how it goes”….but like, holy crap that is just so completely selfish and unfair….how does one get to the point that they feel so entitled to that? That’s what I don’t understand still, I guess.
This post really got me thinking about people who are raised by FWs. My mother was one— I’m fairly certain she cheated on my father as she would tell me a detail like going to lunch with an old flame who was in town and asking to borrow the new expensive outfit she bought me a few days before and then feigning amnesia when I asked her how lunch went and then vaguely adding, oh yeah that, I didn’t end up going. Always telling me inappropriate information and then changing the story. So as I read this comment, I found myself wondering if being raised by a FW puts you at risk for becoming one or, like me, get set up to be chumped as an adult?
I was raised by a FW. I was set up to be chumped as an adult. After watching my mother suffer through my father’s cheating, I left the first FW within a year because I didn’t want to spend my whole life angry like my mother. She stayed with my father for 60 years, until he died. She was angry the whole time.
My sister, my only sibling, grew up and cheated on every guy she ever dated, was engaged to (6 engagements that I know of) or married. Two husbands. She also cheated *with* my first and third FWs and the only reason I don’t believe she cheated with the second is that he preferred men.
Yeah, the entitlement of it is a head scratcher. They must think they are extremely special and therefore allowed to coldly, cynically string along and use a good hearted person who loves them as a fail safe in case the new person doesn’t work out. If anybody did that to them they would be outraged.
“I found this other person and I’ve been unhappy for a while and I do want to leave anyway, but I don’t want to blow everything up just in case this thing doesn’t work out so maybe I’ll just keep both going for a while and see how it goes”….
That’s my FW right there. He told me that Mrs. Bendover was the love of his life, and he just wanted to “try her out” before leaving me. If it didn’t work out with her for whatever reason he would stay with me, and I would be none the wiser. The best laid plans etc. etc. Even well after D-Day he wrote that he would not marry her until he found out if she had any skeletons in her closet. I wrote back “She’s 53 years old and you will be husband number six. I can guarantee skeletons in that closet.” Dummkopf proceeded anyway – not to marriage but to my knowledge they are still living together almost five years now. I have no info about their level of happiness.
Sometimes I try to imagine if my ex had just honestly said, “Hey! After several decades together and having just retired, I want to explore my sexuality with different partners. Why don’t we decently divorce so we can go on with our separate lives?”
But of course, it didn’t happen that way. We separated long-distance, and after a year, I refused to reconcile. He continued to be horrid, and then decided he wanted a divorce. Me too. And he promised-promised-promised “quick and easy.” I knew that was a lie and lawyered up accordingly. And it was long, messy, and expensive.
And people wonder why I insisted that closeout be via email and kept it all-business.
I love your statement, “I found this other person and I’ve been unhappy for a while and I do want to leave anyway, but I don’t want to blow everything up just in case this thing doesn’t work out so maybe I’ll just keep both going for a while and see how it goes”….but like, holy crap that is just so completely selfish and unfair” !!!!!!
This is exactly what happened to me. And it is so cowardly.
That’s what happened in my case as well. In fact, FW actually said to me that he couldn’t divorce me because “what if it doesn’t work out with Schmoopie? Then I’ll have nothing.” Looking back, I am ashamed that I didn’t file the next day.
No idea what ‘The Cut’ is but they must have a home office in Sodom and Gomorrah to ask that question.
Anyway, the answer for their demographic is clearly yes. And the blissful couple shoul find a nice family neighborhood, find a house they like, and force the family residing there out at gunpoint. Because as we all know, what is a “deed” really, when you find your forever home?
If someone achieving happiness involves stepping on others to get there, I question where that happiness actually comes from. Is it the thing they’re after? Or is it the hurting others part?
I’m inclined to think it’s the latter. Cheaters do a cost benefit assessment on their partner’s feelings vs getting what they want over and over again, and repeatedly choose deceitful behavior and selfish indulgence every time. There is an ego payoff that being honest just doesn’t give them.
So no, I don’t think cheating is ok if it leads to “twu wuv.” Because it is just so rarely about actual love. It’s the high of getting everything they want and getting away with it. I don’t doubt some cheaters are miserable together but won’t walk away because they argued so much in defense of their love story they can’t let it fall apart. Or they don’t walk away because, as already demonstrated, they don’t fucking know how to leave honestly.
Reminds me of CL’s article, “Men cheat because they love us? WTF?”
Yeah, it’s all good, no biggie!
My cheater never ended up with the AP, an AP who was engaged to or married to someone else the *entire length* of their 3-year affair.
No, his “love of a lifetime” just fell into his lap as a “gift” from God, so he claims far and wide, but immediately after divorce papers were filed (He keeps HOW immediately hidden). In actuality he raced to an online dating site and selected his type, a type same as the AP – a younger, way more vulnerable with lower status Asian woman. He aggressively pursued her, with hardly a thought to having destroyed our 29-year-marriage and 2 hurting adult kids.
Since he went on image management steroids after I separated from him, he is STILL a leader in cross-cultural ministry in his now-wife’s country. And he is smugly writing in newsletters all the time that his new wife is his Twu Luv, there was no love/no ministry partnership like theirs in the history of the world. He is still enamored with her now, but that can only last so long with the disordered. She will soon realize the pick-me dancing she must do, and that she, too, will need to get tested for STDs when she goes for check-ups.
Sometimes at least all the 6 cheaters plus that I know, are still together. I just don’t care how happy they are, I just don’t want them in my space
Agreed! I love how they’re all the way across the world from me now.
Did his new great love justify his cheating? Absolutely not. And I hope more and more of his supporters realize this fact, and see how slimy he is.
I saw this the other day and a lot went through my mind. I saw that Tracy had already beaten me to the embezzlement analogy which is what sprang first to my mind, so I didn’t leave a comment.
Unsurprisingly, people cool with cheating will say yes. People who have empathy, are sincerely kind, are principled, ethical, safe, and trustworthy, and have a moral compass in good working order will say no (and act accordingly). What does surprise me is cheater/side piece outrage when they get a taste of what they dish out.
Ultimately it’s best if birds of a feather flock together, and I appreciate any way the flocks can be identified in the wild. So while cheating (abusing, defrauding, holding someone hostage, depriving someone of informed consent, etc) is wrong, it does result in a match of like minds. I have no desire to be a low value intimate partner or be with one.
So, no, it’s not okay. And lots of things that are not illegal are not okay.
To cheat or to be a side piece is to not understand what love is. And if you believe people who participate in illicit relationships have good relationship skills, are safe, are trustworthy, and are a good choice for an intimate partner, I am sure there is nothing I can say that will change your mind.
At the end of the day, IMHO cheating and being a side piece are the biggest red flags in the known universe, so it’s ultimately for the best that those who see them as green stick with each other.
♥️
Anything that is built on a foundation of lies is not love and will never stand the test of time.
Anything that comes about from hurting others and hiding the truth from them is not love.
Love is not for the weak, the coward or the liar.
Love is not a movie, a feeling a means of obtaining kibbles or a tool to control.
Love is not abuse .
My older attorney said something similar to your first line. He celebrated his 40th anniversary during my divorce process. His wife was the firm’s business manager. They were so cute together.
He assured me many times that in situations like mine, they are incapable of truly loving, lasting romantic relationships.
He’s a very wise man your lawyer- I hope he is really enjoying his retirement.
I just learned that Monty Don (English Gardener extraordinaire) and his wife started as an affair. I am gutted. She was married and he ‘didn’t care he just knew she was the one for him.” He was friends with the husband but ‘always hoped she would leave him.” Ugh.
I’m not surprised. I always felt something was a bit off about him.
Of COURSE true love makes it ok!
They were soulmates, and I was in the way of his happiness. Our children would be better off if he were happy. Away he went with his soulmate. For two years. And then guess what? Another BETTER soulmate showed up and after a few months of cheating, off he went with soulmate 2.0.
Fast forward two years, and he was off with another woman. And then another. And another. I get reports from my now-adult kids and occasionally a DM from soulmate #1 where we chat about what a lying shithead he was.
Are we talking about grown adults here, or are we talking about teenagers? I would say there’s a big difference because teenagers are immature and pretty much any romantic relationship is fairly transient. The idea that an adult man in his 60’s could trade in his faithful wife for a hot young babe, presents an entirely different ethical model.
Cheating in marriage is always wrong, full stop.
From what came out during the divorce process, my retired STBX favored needy older women. He needed women whom he could charm with a false narrative and who would remain under his control in certain respects.
Well, not me then.
Is it “okay”? No. You did a shitty thing in pursuit of something selfish. That it turned out well for (selfish) you does not erase the shittiness. The least you can do is make what amends you can and accept being tarred with the “cheater” brush (though most cheaters seem to refuse to take accountability on this level and would rather keep trying to push blame back onto the partner they betrayed).
Beyond that, people who perceive an external locus of control are going to be liabilities forever, because their commitments are only as good as their perceptions of how other people/factors are “making” them feel at any given time. The twu wuv is only as twu as the cheater feels it is.
My cheater and schmoopie are married with two kids. I’m about 3.5 years out now and have mostly hit meh. I stopped giving him supply years ago — he’s complained about my “robotic” responses. The parenting order excludes schmoopie from conversations about my children.
They, however, are bound and determined to keep me engaged by screwing with my children. Doesn’t strike me as the actions of people who are living lives of soulmate bliss. So… is it “true love”? Was it worth the harm they’ve caused to me and my children? Don’t know, don’t care, but also doubt it.
Apparently they require triangulation (using your kids as proxies) to keep their relationship spicy. Sounds like all is not roses in twu wuv land.
Any update on the longitudinal study conducted by well-credentialed Chump from this site? It would be interesting to get real data on infidelity.
A billion” romance” cheating movies pay for the happily ever after to serve up to the swooning audiences. I was watching Billy Crystal in Forget Paris..happily enjoying the love story when bam..Debra Winger says…but, but I’m.married and I can’t make up.my mind!! This is after trips all over Paris and wild sex..
she spouts about her uncertainty and tells her unaware but now aware Chump..to think about HER FEELINGS as a cheater, not his chumpy heart. They did get married but had alot of struggles, so more realistic then movies that end at the wedding.
Yes my #1 ex is still with his OW- wife 38 years later. And my #2 Ex is telling mutual former friends he is happier than ever…but the key here is, who cares if they are happy?? I’ve had their best younger years- and 2 beautiful kids squeezed out of their abusive lies. Let the OW age out with them and deal with prostates/ bladder issues/ creepy stares and aging sagging limp body parts.
Just believing and knowing that neither Ex cared about me and could not love me, frees me to still love men, but from a distance of miles away.
I may never know if they found the love of their lives in each other’s embrace of stolen kisses, but I lost the most horrible liars of my life and that is enough for me.
Without trust and true love, I had nothing anyway.
I don’t believe for a second that it’s ever “true” love for cheaters, since their entire operating system is set on “false.” False words, false promises, false intentions, false personas, false realities. So the whole premise of the question is, well… false.
💯%
I’m gonna go ahead and say, no, which certainly will not be a surprise to anyone.
My ex had an “exit affair“ and ended up marrying the other woman. I’m sure those idiots would have said it was all worth it for true love. They were married for less than a year before getting divorced, and the other woman bought my ex out of the marital home for $10, potentially as part of an inequitable fault divorce settlement.
Couldn’t have happened to a nicer couple!
Ten bucks? Is that a typo or was he that desperate to get rid of her?
Not a typo! I did a double-take when I saw that. It’s what attorneys would call a “peppercorn.” I don’t know enough to speculate further, but something weird definitely happened.
Hmm. I wonder if she had something juicy on him? Evidence of a crime?
Probably not though; I read too many thrillers.
It’s like the royal family of England – they’ll sell homes for “a peppercorn”.
Oh look! An opportunity to tell the story of failed Twu Wuw again!
I didn’t know this until four years after divorce, but apparently FW moved directly in with Schmoopie after leaving me, and she threw him out a week or two later.
This will never not be funny.
I SOOOO want to know the details, but of course can’t ask 😂.
My FW bought one stripper a townhouse and another an apartment. After I kicked him out of here, he didn’t end up living at either place. He had to rent.
Consequences!
Even if it was okay to cheat for alleged love, the cheater and AP didn’t know when they started the affair that it would end up being twu wuv. It’s not like they met and immediately knew this was a love for the ages.They started the affair for the same reasons other cheaters and APs who don’t claim to have found twu wuv do; illicit thrills, ego fuel, etcetera, ad nauseum.
But it ultimately wouldn’t matter even if they fell in wuv the moment they met (never actually happens, but sometimes people think they have) because motivation is not a mitigating factor if a deed is deemed to be harmful and wrong.
Cheater love isn’t worth the Valentine’s card paper it’s written on anyway. It exists only if it continues to be convenient to the cheater, then vanishes into the ether if it becomes inconvenient. For example, who ever heard of a cheater tenderly nursing a dying partner or sticking it out through a non-fatal chronic illness that affects the cheater’s lifestyle. Won’t happen.
The men I dated weren’t particularly smart, handsome, clever, or amazing. Neither am I. I thought they were good people and we could build a future together. What pisses me off is that they apparently knew they could do better than me but kept me around to financially support them and handle the chores while they kept looking. Imagine what I could have built – or who I’d have met – if I hadn’t been propping them up?
My ex is not good looking in any way. He makes good money but so does the affair partner that stole him from our marriage. She’s a little chonky and masculine looking. But if that does it for him, so be it. My gut tells me that a woman in her early 30’s will find a doctor that will take her to the altar. Then my ex will have to live cruelty of being left behind. One can hope.
My FW had a 2 year affair with her boss at work, but made the argument that I should forgive her because she finally found her “true love”, and that if I cared about her, I should want her to be happy. Problem was, he was also married, and after I filed for divorce, he refused to leave his wife. His wife also didn’t leave him even though I found her on FB and spilled the beans. So my FW didn’t get her true love, but she had another new man about 2 weeks later. I’m sure he was her “true love” also!
I’m in a good position to run a kind of field experiment on outcomes because a lot of the creeps I worked with in my former narc-filled industry remain somewhat “Google-able” even if their careers fizzled. So I can attest that most monkey-branched arrangements explode.
Some lead to marriages that might zombie on in the case one or both parties start to lose whatever ephemeral currency they’d formerly relied on like youth, wealth, fame, etc. But when the currency is all gone, typically you start to see signs of whatever misery and terror underlie these kinds of disordered personalities. If they manage to retain enough wealth and power to stay numb and put up a front and keep a steady supply of victims, the cracks will show in their offspring instead.
I used to track the whereabouts of various sketchy freaks to avoid crossing paths but don’t do it much anymore because most of them have either lost their fangs and/or ended up mired in so much tragedy that I find it sickening and really don’t want to know more.
How can anybody possibly think this is OK? SMDH.
NO!!! NO, IT’S NOT OKAY!!! There were VOWS!!! Which apparently mean nothing if you fall in love with a cheater. My ex and I were married for 30 years! 30 YEARS!!! Until schmoopie came along…suddenly he had so many more conferences to go to…he travelled so many places…At the 30-year-together-mark, as we were sailing into the retirement sunset, a 30 year old girl comes into his life and the world is at peace…for EVERYONE EXCEPT the BETRAYED SPOUSE. My ex won the lottery, I guess, because she married him and they live together in the beautiful city of Chicago – where she’s an anesthesiologist 21 years younger than him, making six figures and he’s making six figures…but can’t seem to pay his spousal support to the old, beleaguered wife he dumped and forgot about. HOW….JUST HOW do people dump people they once loved and took vows with and blissfully move on to the second level of cheater heaven?! This world has just become “if I want it, I’ll get it” squash the poor person that was actually invested in the relationship. Sorry…I’m tired of the ColdPlay woman that cheated at a concert. I’m tired of the 21-years-younger girl who could not find her own partner so stole mine. What has this world become? I think I should be able to get spousal support from her and him!
I don’t, but there are likely lots of folks that do, as long as they are not the one that got steam rolled by the cheater.
As soon as I saw this headline, I knew it would show up on this site. I’ve caught myself engaging in logic puzzles like this when thinking about Woody Allen and Soon Yi, or Mary Kay Letourneau and Vili Fuluau. Did the eventual marriage and kids excuse the original action? Probably not, because the ends don’t always justify the means. (Besides, Vili seems traumatized, especially when he thinks about what happened to him happening to his daughters.)
My cheater ended up with someone as morally bankrupt and lacking in honor as he is, and they find pleasure in their shallow happiness. So he gets what he deserves.
Infidelity isn’t “who you lie with; it’s who you lie to.”
Frank Pittman, Private Lies
Just. Don’t. Lie.
Not happy? Say so.
Want to look for someone different? Say so.
Think you are catching feelings for someone else and want to pursue that? Say so.
Lying is cowardly, disrespectful, and selfish.
Right? But of course they won’t because they need the sure thing in place in case they change their mind, or things blow up, and they still need the chump to save them.
Mine told me he wanted to stay married to me AND keep the stripper girlfriends. 🙄
As the young people say,delulu.
Of course, they deserve it all, no matter the cost to others.
mine told me he wanted to date publicly but stay married.Sneaking and hotels weren’t fun anymore but he did not want to give up marriage and family. We are divorced.
Also delulu. And no thought about what YOU might want, of course.
Someone turned my fw in on an ethics violation. I never knew who it was, but I am so grateful for them. I got out after 20 years instead of longer. I wish he had been exposed sooner.
I do think though, he had one more year planned if it had not been exposed. Political timing and all.
That article subtitle is annoying. Isn’t “cheating” and “dating” mutually exclusive? ick!
Isn’t? Aren’t? lol
According to my FW, the same. He told me he had been dating for 10 years of our marriage. I guess the first ten years of our marriage he was “dating” me.
Of course he is a liar so I assume he “dated” from the first day of the marriage.
I was thinking about this and I guess a good question would be: “if you stole money and time from your business partner to help a competitor, then you went into a successful partner ship with the competitor; would that make it ok that you betrayed your original business partner.” I mean, take the romance out of it, we are just talking right and wrong, ethical and non ethical now.
If this was already written, I apologize, I don’t always catch everything.