I Feel Shame I Was Rejected for Someone Else
She feels shame that she was rejected for someone else — someone who was not the affair partner. Her ex-husband dumped the Schmoopie and married someone else.
***
Dear Chump Lady,
I feel like I need some help from Chump Nation.
I got divorced June of last year. We were married for 30 years. I met him when I was 17. He was extremely emotional neglectful during the entire marriage and cheated and abandoned me at the end.
Shortly after our divorce was final, he split up with his affair partner.
He met someone else and he married her in May of this year. Although it seems sudden, I think he had wanted out of the marriage for a looong time and I think he is just overjoyed with the chance to start over. He was absolutely giddy after he told me he was moving out.
I was starting to heal slowly but when I found out he got married, it threw me back into a tailspin. Then yesterday, I unexpectedly saw my ex with his new wife at a restaurant. I didn’t interact with them but they seemed happy. She was smiling and talking to him. And his mother told me he was very happy with his new life.
I feel shame about being rejected for someone else.
I feel like I must have a bad personality and that is why he didn’t love me. Like I’m not moving forward like I should. I feel like I should be dating which I’m not opposed to but I haven’t met anyone. I’m on Facebook dating but feel meh about it.
I am 56 and an almost empty nester. My 24YO daughter still lives at home (my other daughter has moved out) and it has been wonderful having her with me but I’m not sure how long she will stay. Both my parents are gone and I have no family in the area except my two adult daughters who I have a good relationship with but who are very busy with their own lives. I don’t want to change jobs because I am building a pension but the only reason I moved to this town was for my ex. I still live in the family home because it makes economical sense and has a nice back yard. But it has 20 years of old stuff in it.
I feel like he has moved on and I haven’t.
They bought a house together. New wife, new house. She had a dog so he even has a new dog! How do I move on and get over him? I need help building a life when I feel so old, ugly and tired and my confidence is shot. I don’t even want to think about a future of sharing grandkids (we don’t have them yet) with the happy couple.
Signed,
Sad
***
Dear Sad,
Stop comparing yourself to your ex.
This is going to be a mental battle, but you must wage it. I know it feels unjust, because being cheated on is unjust, but how we react to life’s sh*t sandwiches is up to us.
There’s this myth that if someone leaves for their affair partner, well, the heart wants what the heart wants. It’s all for the best because Twu Wuv, you gotta break some eggs to make an omelette, yada yada. There Was a Higher Purpose.
When he broke up with Schmoopie, he denied you this stupid myth. That there was some POINT to breaking up your family. Some goal, some FW agenda. The agenda was always his wandering dick, okay? There’s a new wife appliance, he shuffled the deck, but he’s still NOT THAT DEEP.
You’re divorced not because you suck, but because you don’t share the same values.
He’s capable of casual betrayal. He can swap people out like used air filters, whereas you bond. His operating manual is transactional. You commit and show up. (Note, your daughter lives with YOU.) Maybe it took decades for his true shallowness to reveal itself, but I doubt it. There’s an entire epidemic of wife appliances being rejected after the kids are grown.
I know it feels deeply personal, but it’s NOT personal. Rejecting you is about HIM. Not your intrinsic worth or lovability. It’s an expression of who HE is, not who YOU are.
It’s only an insult if you let it insult you.
If you think his opinion of you matters. I realize you invested a huge chunk of your adult life in this FW’s world view and opinion, but he is NOT the measure of your worth. YOU set that value. Not him.
We’ve already established that he’s not that deep. He can chuck his whole family without any apparent grief or anxiety. So why would you give a FW the power to hurt you and stop your life going forward?
They bought a house together. New wife, new house. She had a dog so he even has a new dog!
He’s your EX. The minutia of his life, what he does and who he does it with is none of your concern because he’s not in your life. If he’s constipated this morning, if his bunions hurt, if his new wife appliance natters on about Bingo peeing on the carpet — IT DOESN’T MATTER.
He is your EX. You are DIVORCED.
Focus your attention back to yourself. What’s NEXT? What do YOU want to do with your one precious life? Like I said, this is a mental battle. When your mind starts imagining the fabulous life they’re having without you and your evidence is one evening out at a restaurant, slap yourself. He’s got a wandering dick. A giant character stain where a soul should be. Eww. She’s not enviable. She’s just next, most likely.
And even if they’re blissfully happy together (he’s not deep, his capability for bliss is about as deep as his capability for solving quadratic equations), it doesn’t matter. Because he is your EX. It’s like the random stranger in apartment 417-B had an orgasm. Whatever.
I need help building a life when I feel so old, ugly and tired and my confidence is shot.
Old, ugly, tired people build new lives every day. None of these things disqualify you from a better future without a FW.
Old? We’re all aging. Ugly? I doubt it. Get a glow up. Buy a new outfit. Focus on your brain and wit instead. Reject youth culture. Reject the patriarchy. Tired? Get sleep. Exercise more. Take Ambien.
These are SOLVABLE.
You have the POWER to stop centering your FW. You have no choice but to take on this project. Is it unjust that you have to? Yes. We’ve established that. You didn’t get the legacy and the future you were promised. Many of us don’t. Get up anyway. Build that new life. It’s a better investment than a FW ever was.
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The fact that he dumped the affair partner to move on and marry else tells you everything you need to know about how much depth this a-hole actually has. He’s as shallow as a pie plate. People with normal, healthy attachment styles don’t do that. And your kids are rallying to your side, not his. You still have plenty of time to start over and make a great new life for yourself without the burden of an abusive cheater.
You’re a little over a year out from ending a 30 year marriage. It began before you were fully grown and was filled with emotional harm.
Much of what you’re regretting is not the presence of her, but the absence of you. Healing takes more than a year and it includes this hurdle of wondering what is next.
Divorce from a FW has many benefits and one of them is YOU get to decide what’s next. You can take your responsible, hardworking values and schedule self care, community service and learning into every week. Rinse. Repeat.
Best. Response. Ever.
Absolutely this.
I love that — “absence of you.” And for 30 years! Followed by a discard. That’s a lot of hurt, and it will take a lot of healing. Fortunately, there is a boundless world of healing and emotional spark available now that you’re rid of his dead weight and cruelty.
Once we become conscious of the harm done and forgive ourselves for staying long enough to be discarded by someone WE NEEDED TO DISCARD FIRST..we begin to heal. Well said!
Cheering, dancing and waving from the back of CN! Golden response from CL. Whoop whoop!
Not that you should spend energy thinking about this, but this new woman may not have been the AP when he was with you, but I’m suspicious of her being another AP to the AP.
We know he’s not a loyal person. That’s evident by his cheating on you. But you were only divorced in June of last year. At which time he was still with schmoopie. 11 months later he’s married again to someone completely different? Are we really thinking he broke it off with original AP before he did that? Nah, I don’t buy it. At the very least he was monkey-branching.
New wife ain’t special. She’s just what’s happening right now. And she won’t be immune to the wandering dick either. He’ll get bored when the shiny wears off, or her dog pees on the floor, or she wears shorts that don’t look perfect. Even if they stay married that doesn’t mean he’s not still a FW. If 30 years with you meant nothing to him, 11 months with her (or her, or her, or, her…or oh hey her too…) doesn’t mean much either.
Don’t ever pull out of the trash can, what is already there.
Yep.
This is similar to a phrase I used when I was having trouble trusting my abuser sucked. He was in a relationship two weeks after he dumped me, engaged at 5 months (timeline sure seems sus doesn’t it? They were together well before our relationship ended. They just didn’t go public.)
Anyway I was struggling with my sense of self worth and how fast he had moved on, even though I knew he was a cheater. A friend told me “you never have to go grocery shopping if you eat out of the trash.”
That really helped me. Of course he finds someone else that fast. Of course it’s someone who didn’t care he was already in a relationship. He went shopping in the dumpster.
Katthebat– a diamond you have to dig for, cut and polish it… takes time..effort..care..
Trash? There is ALWAYS something ready to pick up and carry away..need more? Just go back.
Perfect analogy!! Loved how you put it!!
“11 months with her (or her, or her, or, her…or oh hey her too…)”
Hilarious. And your post is so right.
Sad,
You weren’t holding your Ex back …. if anything holds him back it will be himself. Similarly, his decision to cheat on you says everything about him and his character and nothing about you and yours. Please don’t define yourself in terms of how happy he appears with his new wife; Cheaters have a habit of “performative happiness” as part of their “see I was right to leave” narrative, and I’m willing to be that your MIL isn’t the most reliable of witnesses when it comes to her son’s choices.
Ultimately, I’d advise that you look to define yourself in terms of the FW-free future that you envisage for yourself …. and then let people watch as you go and build it.
LFTT
Amen, live your best life now and dry those tears. It was a gift to be rid of them.
Yes, HIS mother tells you how happy he is? Not to be trusted.
Dear S., I’d like to add that women your age (I’m only a few years younger) were often still raised to believe that their life with a man was everything – or almost everything – that defined them. Very young women today are more likely to learn that this isn’t the case. But you, too, still have time to create the home, the activities, and the family life you want (you did mention that there might be grandchildren someday). And, of course, a new dog of your own, if you want one. A new partner could be part of the picture, but doesn’t have to be. Once you realize that, thinking about his new wife might bother you less.
I love how the new generation is learning not to center men. I will say that caving been married and now being subtle and middle aged, there is still a stigma about being single female and not young despite the change that young women are ushering. Regardless, it is so much better to be free from his cruelty! Time for shame to change sides! He should be shamed. It took me years to become“deprogrammed” from thinking it was my fault. Decades of emotional abuse leaves its mark. Just be nice to yourself everyday. A piece of cake, a pedicure. Binging your favorite show. You are fre! It will sink in.
So true. I see this in my daughter (now 22) and so many of her friends! It is wonderful!
I love how the new generation is learning not to center men.
Mine was also a marriage of several decades. It sounds like he was an ambivalent husband for a long time and then saw the shiny new thing and decided that was it. My ex did the same after he retired. His actions said that he was done with marriage to me and being a family, and I took him at his word. Of course, he claimed to love us still, but he sure didn’t act like it. He lives in another state, so I know that makes it easier. It’s been a few years now since we heard from him.
I’m older than you, but I decided early on that I didn’t have to date. So I do here and there, but just with people I already have context with. I always start with a coffee date, so there’s little obligation. Nothing has come of that, and I’m OK.
I’m very, very busy with work, friends, activities, and volunteer work. I travel solo quite a bit. My kids are in the metropolitan area. It’s gold when we get together, but they are busy too. Life is good.
Things I did at age 56-ish:
Went to graduate school.
Got paid to fly around the world (as a result of grad school).
Learned about investing.
Bought my dream car.
Started a garden.
Letter writer, you’re you, and of course you do not have to do any of these things. My only point is that change is possible at any age.
I get feeling tired. I really do. But I suggest starting on something — say the 20 years of stuff in your house. Clear out one closet or one room or the basement. The point is to start. Throw stuff away; it will help you feel a lot lighter.
I’m curious…what was the job where you got paid to fly around the world? And what degrees did you get and have to be able to get that job? And are you a woman?
I’m totally single and not tied down by anything…and would love a job like that!
I had a big burn or 2 ! He left everything to me so lots of it went in the fire! Felt great.
Love your list and accomplishments!
I started a garden, too. My ex had refused to remove the huge dying shrubs that were eyesores. I got rid of them immediately, and started my garden as an apology to neighbors. Teen and I have enlarged it every year, mostly through freebies from people thinning their plants. I love seeing its beauty when I go in and out.
I would suggest spending some of your free time sorting through that twenty years of stuff in the marital home. I’m in that process right now in preparation to sell the house next year. Clean out those drawers and closets and emotionally, physically, and spiritually clear out your mind. Occasionally you will come across something that brings back a memory that you will need to reclaim for yourself or you might just burst into tears over the loss and unfairness. Either way it helps to process it all and eventually put it behind you. Plus, if and when you decide to move, you’ll be better prepared. Until then you’ll have a space that you’ve reclaimed for yourself.
I’ve started in on that.
I noticed that comment about the ex MIL twisting the knife in saying FW is happy. Narc cheaters often come from narc parents so OP should distance herself from the ex MIL to improve her mental health.
Feeling old, ugly and tired like garbage thrown away is something I felt too. Very similar circumstances, no family here except the kids and a job where relocating isn’t an option.
Rebuild and prune your social network because Switzerland friends or bad ex in-laws drains the chumps energy. New doors cannot open if you don’t get rid of the flying monkeys! My frenemy switched sides mid-divorce to exH FW and did a lot to hurt my children and me. Going NC with her freed up my time to exercise, get massages, med spa sessions and most importantly spend time with better friends good people who introduced me to to others. I’m in therapy with a decent therapist who isn’t a cheater apologist.
The new wife is simply a fool who knowingly married a cheater or did not do her homework on the FW. She’s simply next in line to be discarded.
Don’t force yourself to date to compete with FW. Invest in yourself. You have a pension which is rare in this day and age putting you miles ahead of other chumps. Envision a retirement spot maybe even plan trips to scout locations.
I’m leaving today on a scouting mission to location possibility #2! It’s exciting.
I think I would go to a therapist to find out why you put up with mistreatment for 30 years? Do you miss that? I was married for 30 years and my husband left me for his massage therapist. Blew his family up. They didn’t last the summer….he then moved on to his so called love of his life, they lasted 5 years. Focus on you you and you right now. Volunteer, help others less fortunate, there is great satisfaction in that and it takes the focus off you you and you. Join a gym, do something you have always wanted to do. My girlfriends saved me and there is always chump nation.
In June, he left door number one for door number two, and by May he married door number 3? Makes me wonder who ended the relationship with door number two. Maybe without your marriage and the thrill of cheating, the affair lost its appeal. His relationship with door number three may have started during your marriage, or his affair, but it doesn’t say much about number 3 if she was willing to marry him. That marriage reeks of image management.
Contrary to advice from Tracy and my therapist, I didn’t stop myself from untangling the skein. Considering how long you’ve known ex, and how new these relationships are to you (who knows how long he knew and cheated with number 3), give yourself grace, time and privacy to rage, grieve and move on. Like you, I started dating ex in our teens, and though that ended, we reconnected a few years later, and were married longer than you.
I’ve learned more about my ex in the six years since D-Day than I knew in decades of marriage. When we finally start to see them for who they really are, we look back and see them for who they really were. I think that actually helps our healing, because so much of our self-perception is tied to how they treated us. A lot of things we overlooked or swallowed suddenly make sense.
I was told that after long-term marriages, recovery can take a year for every five years together. Maybe that was a self-fulfilling prophecy or coincidence, but it was true for me. It certainly helps to see he was never the man I idealized.
What I see in your ex is an unfaithful man who gets a thrill from cheating, yet wants the respectability of marriage. He lost a partner he knew was faithful and replaced you with women who think cheating is OK. The marriage was probably image management for him, and for her, a bid to hold on to a two-time (or more) cheater. He lost the relationships with his kids and replaced them with her dog. He lost the comfy home he’d built with you, and has to start all over. He threw away his family and reputation, so he thinks he has to show that now he’s happy. She married a cheater, so she’s compelled to do the same. They’re losers covering up with new toys.
A good way to refresh is to start with your home. If you don’t want to move, remake it as yours. Throw out or donate the stuff you don’t want, replace your marital bed if you can, and choose colors and items that bring you joy.
Avoiding him may mean avoiding your friends and perhaps your former interests, although it’s isolating. Partly due to COVID, it took a few years for me to connect with a new interest. It finally clicked last year, and I now have an entirely new group of friends, mostly decades younger. We get together for our avocation once or twice a week, often go out before or after, and even get together just to socialize. And I gained another group of social supports through a senior fitness class of mostly women. And I have informed, targeted support and insight from Tracy and Chump Nation.
I no longer think of the illusion that I lost. Teen and I truly prefer the new lives that we’ve gained.
I can relate to this 💯. Thanks, Goodfriend.
“to see who they really were” so perfectly stated!
It does hit me, even several years later. Sudden moments of realizing a-ha THAT was what FW was doing to sabotage my efforts. Or the marriage. Or creating excuses to storm out of the house. I stick to nearly 100% NC (minors) and discuss them with my therapist. I see now that young insecure covert narc love bombing the young me. The cheating early on happening under my nose. FW lack of true male friends. My misplaced loyalty and commitment. The intuition I ignored. Decades of FW pretending to be low libido (hooker habit). How I was used for labor, extra paycheck, children and above all, FW image management.
Many here like me are traumatized by a long psychological war which is what a mirage – marriage to a serial cheater is. PTSD flashbacks can last for years.
Yes!!!
Sad – CL is spot on as usual. Work on your selfs: self-esteem, self-confidence, self-determination, etc. etc. With your FW gone and your children grown it’s allllllll about you now. Adjust (and is is a big emotional/mental adjustment) to this new life of freedom and cherish it; after a period of standing in an empty field wondering where is everyone and everything it’s actually wonderful. Also, I detect a note of additional sadness regarding your daughter someday moving out as well. That’s normal, but be assured that her independence in itself is a ringing endorsement of your mothering. Any parent that does his/her job is rewarded with a child that takes flight and lives a happy life. It seems unfair to put your life’s blood into something that someday runs out the door. With a child, that is the goal. With a spouse, not so much, but – lucky you – your FW ran himself out the door and into the gutter. Now you have the rest of your life to build upon day by day using the lessons you have learned thus far. You are 56. You may have 30 more years left which is not a lot and not a little. Regardless, strive to build a new life that makes you happy whatever that will be for you.
Oh this post was priceless!!! Sooo funny,milk out of my nose funny ( if I wasn’t allergic to milk!). Focusing on the orgasm next door haaaaa!!! Now back to SAD. Sad You are me 4 years ago. My ex had a very creepy (HR reviewed) affair at work with the cafeteria lady. Once I filed, he got on line and Rustled up a 20+ year younger gal from the Phillipines. ME ? I was 69 at the moment of his ( 4 weeks after the divorce was final) wedding, where a HOST of my now FORMER friends attended.
OKay so yes I am VINTAGE and have wrinkles plus ➕️ all the health issues of living with an addicted( to everything guy.).but PLEASE I PRAY YOU PLEASE give yourself TIME. I would not advize dating old geezer men either. NOOOO!! Do you know what men of that age might want?? Flaccid sex, a cook, a mom, a NURSE, YOUR POST divorce money,YOUR house, your precious girls????? I’m sorry to tell you this but it is TRUE!! Give yourself TIME…A spoiled (by ALLthe women who beg and scrape) you DO NOT WANT. You need time to find out what YOU LIKE, how screwed you were by your awful husband all those years= but not anymore. How hurt you were by his put you down words =but not anymore.
What did I do after 30 years and then being dropped kicked??? Got weekly Therapy with a DV counselor, found a new church, found non- Switzerland friends, ditched some unnecessarily hurtful family. Found new kinder doctors, found a dietician, found some volunteer activities, found a nice apartment, found a little job I love, enjoying SOLITUDE and nobody saying hurtful things to me and grabbing me day and night. I now know the music I LIKE, the FOOD I LIKE, the PEOPLE I want to spend time with. The COLORS I LIKE the media I Like, the MOVIES I LIKE = historical movies like Young Washington that just came out. I sat in the theater ALONE with not one other soul and watched That movie at 10am in the morning for my 4th of July celebration!!!!. I was thrilled. I thank Jesus and all the angels 😇– the live ones and with the ones with wings, that my Ex married someone ELSE quickly and left me to be in peace forever. AMEN. SAD you will get there, I’m pulling for you!!
Dear Sad
Sometimes we take the trash out, sometimes the trash takes itself out. If you had spoiled meat in the fridge, put it in the garbage, and took it to the curb, would you come back inside your house and be sad that the trash is no longer in your house? I know exactly how you feel, the shame of rejection; however the shame isn’t yours, the shame belongs to him. He disqualified himself from being your life partner, don’t grieve the smelly trash.
I don’t know what you look like, but I know for certain that you are not old, ugly, or tired. You are amazing, you are beautiful, you are about to embark on an amazing journey of self discovery, and you are mighty. <3
Many women report that their 50s is the best decade of their lives. Girl, at 56 you are still quite young. You got this, and we’re behind you.
Dear Sad,
I can definitely feel the pain in your letter. I think an enormous hurdle that I have had to overcome (and still have to work on daily) is trying to make sense of something that makes no sense at all. It is truly crazy making. When I am in that space I go back to CL’s wise words “TRUST THAT HE SUCKS.” I have to literally chant those words to myself when I replay FW’s sexts to his AP in my head or when I google the AP. It’s not because I want to stalk anyone or relive some horrible pain. It’s my mind trying to desperately have control over the situation and find some clue as to why FW chose someone else. The answer that I always come back to is that HE SUCKS! You are divorced now and I really hope you release that need to understand his life in the present. His current situation as mind-numbingly outrageous as it seems is not for your concern. I would implore you to not take another second to consider his idiocy and focus on your relationship with yourself and your daughters. Those are the only relationships that matter right now! I say that because I, myself, have often failed to attune to my children and much less myself as I have spent 6 years now trying to be everything and more to FW, only to be tossed aside for someone younger. It hurts like a mofo. But what hurts more is the time I lost really being connected to my kids. My kids still love me and I don’t mean to imply that I’ve been some horrible, neglectful mother. I just haven’t given them as much of my energy as I have been trying to please and appease and understand and forgive and cajole a person who had no intention of ever loving me or my kids well. I wish you so many wonderful things moving forward, whatever they may be and my hope is that you fall in love with YOU!
If there is anything sellable from the home contents sell it and use the money to pamper yourself. Even donations can generate tax write offs for you.
Looking around what used to be the marital home all I see are my efforts, my gardening, furniture I selected, photos and decorations painstakingly placed by me because FW barely participated in family life aside from taking credit for all that I did. So I proudly say it is MY HOUSE and it is legally but also emotionally I made it a home for my kids who feel safe here.
If you read 4b movement content you’ll see what indoctrination we’ve had since birth, to our own detriment.
Your daughters are watching you and absorbing life lessons, not anything you say but the example you set. At first, I thought I should sacrifice everything to be super martyr mom, but kids actually like that I work more, go out with friends, and don’t lean on my DD overmuch emotionally. We do some beauty stuff together also which is fun and lighthearted.
At various appointments with kids I say **** **** is my EX husband with a big smile and emphasis on the ex. Good riddance to bad rubbish!
My ex’s life post divorce new life/wife looked super shiny on the outside right after the divorce. 10 years later it is MISERABLE. I would not trade places in a minute. Reclaim old hobbies, make new friends, carve out YOUR new life. It gets better.
My heart goes out to you, Sad. You have nothing to feel ashamed about. Your ex is an emotionally neglectful cheating tool. He and his new wife may be happy now, but he didn’t get a character transplant, so when the novelty of the relationship fades, it’s likely both will have buyer’s remorse.
Most of Chumplady’s advice is excellent (as usual), but I caution against her throwaway line, “Take Ambien.” (I suspect she wasn’t really serious about that.) Ambien has a lot of side effects and it’s really better to steer clear of it. When you said you’re “tired,” I took that to mean that you’re emotionally exhausted, and I get that. (If you do have trouble sleeping, you might want to look into cognitive behavioral therapy for insomnia, also called CBTi. There’s a free, highly rated app for that, CBT-i Coach.)
Other people here have made many good suggestions. Maybe you can enlist your daughter to help you clear out the house of any crap left from your ex that you don’t want. If you can sell any of it, so much the better–you could use the $ to do a modest refreshing of your house/yard with changes that suit YOUR taste.
Also, if you’re not already exercising regularly, consider starting a modest program. It can improve your life in so many ways, both your physical health and your mental health. It boosts mood & helps reduce depression. And as you get stronger, you will likely feel more empowered and less tired in general. Embrace things that make YOU happy.
I agree with you about the Ambien. During the worst of my discard I took it maybe twice, but got scared about maybe doing crazy stuff in my sleep when I was all alone in the house. I found free guided meditation at
https://www.uclahealth.org/uclamindful/guided-meditations
I played the different tapes on my phone with the phone under my pillow, and they all worked like a charm with no side effects. Also, there are maybe a dozen different languages to choose from. Highly recommend.
Talk to a dr, but I know for Mr. CL, Ambien saved his life after D-Day. His mother, a nurse, told him to get a sleep aid and proper rest before he made any decisions in a trauma state. There’s zero shame in getting medical help and a short-term sleep aid if you can’t sleep. It’s not a joke line.
I’ll add, I managed to get through 4 D-days without Ambien or antidepressants or anything else. I’m not pushing pharmaceuticals, but I also think meds can help during a crisis. Insomnia is real.
Sad, how do you know all these details about his life? Is it through his mother? If so, I suggest you either cut contact with her or inform you that you do not wish to hear anything about your ex. Really, why do you still talk to her? She’s your ex MIL and she brags to you about how “happy” her cheating b*stard son is. She’s not on your team.
If you don’t know what’s going on in his life, it can’t trigger these feelings in you. If you still follow him on SM, stop that and block. If you’re this sensitive you have to cut off these sources of information.
As for the reminders in the family home, some people get relief from new furniture, new paint, etcetera. I knew I wouldn’t, so I moved. If you can’t afford to move, you’ll have to try to make it work with decor.
There’s no reason you should try to date if it doesn’t interest you. You don’t have to find somebody new in order to move on. You just have to stop giving a damn about FW and what’s going on in his life. You can’t accomplish that if you are being exposed to what’s going on in his life. His “love” life (ha, he doesn’t know the meaning of the word) has nothing whatsoever to do with you. It’s FW doing FW, and no matter how “happy” he seems (they always seem happy when they’re on a fresh p*ssy high) he’s still him. That is to say, he’s a loser at relationships. You, OTOH, aren’t a loser at relationships (or anything else) just because he failed with you. His failures are his to own. He won’t, but that’s neither here nor there. The only failure you need to own here is that you haven’t taken a crucial step you need to get over him, which is avoiding exposure. There’s nothing you can do about accidentally running into him, but hopefully that is occasional enough that it won’t affect your healing too much. If you do run into him, I suggest you leave the vicinity if you can. At the very least, don’t look at him and his latest victim and try to analyze their interactions, searching for reasons to hate on yourself. Just don’t. You need to love on yourself and be kind to yourself, so please try to internalize that his actions are about nothing and nobody but him. So what if he wasn’t “happy” with you? That doesn’t mean you caused the alleged unhappiness. People like him invariably cause their own problems. In short, f**k that guy.