What Are You Doing to Stay Sane?
The Friday Challenge question is: What are you doing to stay sane? Sometimes every day feels like a punch in the face. How are you bouncing back?
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Tangential to our usual “tell me how you’re mighty” questions around here, I was wondering about the minutia of your sanity.
What helps you regain focus, calm down and tune out?
Besides pharmaceuticals.
I figure we could all use some sanity tips about now. I realize that one person’s Zen garden (scrap booking!) could be another person’s anxiety spiral. But maybe we can help each other with some meditation podcasts or something.
For me, my sanity go to is Facebook marketplace irises. Ordinarily I would say “art classes” but recently, I’ve gone down a rabbit hole of irises. All the irises. Japanese, Dutch, but especially bearded irises. They’re beautiful, they’re tenacious, and you can get them for about a dollar a rhizome if you know what Amish farmer to follow on my feed.
I’m kind of obsessed. Whatever spikes my blood pressure, looking iris catalogs lowers it. Ooh. They come in so many different varieties!
And then I love the thrill of the hunt of Facebook market place. Can I score a clump? I’ll meet a fellow obsessive, and then that person will turn me on to another source. Do you know about the daylily lady?
Next thing I know, I’m in some remote corner of my state meeting a woman with a wheelbarrow of tubers.
Actually, the daylily lady renewed my faith in humankind for an afternoon. She reserves a special section of her huge yard to propagate day lilies. And then she sells them to raise money for her medical missions. She’s an RN and she goes to places like Haiti and Guatamala to provide free medical care to those in need.
“I”ll take the whole wheelbarrow full.”
(It was $35!!!!!! I gave her $40.)
And the next thing I know, I have a backseat full of dirt and lilies and I’m handing out clumps to my neighbors. And I feel better.
At least until the next news headline. Time to score more flowers…
How are you staying sane, CN?
TGIF!
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Ah. The bearded iris. The rhizome rabbit hole. I’m partial to the lovely Beverly Sills. I’m a pink girl. Think pink you won’t be blue.
I’m also addicted to the American Iris Society website. Everything you didn’t know you needed to know.
And they are mostly hardy right?…my friend grew a full acre.of rare Irises and sold the bulbs. She died, her husband let it all go and plowed the acre under..sad loss to that community.
I am in my 70s, empty nest, retired. My cheater conned me nearly 40 years. No more
I had a good career, PhD, ,traveled the world. Still do! Saw this as I am getting ready for a fairly typical day. I go to my wonderful gym 5 or 6 mornings a week. Trampoline class, Barre, Sculpt, weights,hyrox. All of it,on different days, followed by a run. Saturday morning I go to religious services, see friends and have a lovely lunch. I go to movies,plays, book clubs,lectures, my mani ‘pedi gal, massage therapist and individual therapist. Have friends of all ages, travel very often . Volunteer on 2 boards. Run lots of races and collect bling ( medals)
Life is good now, I stay sane and thankful daily for not being in that insanity any longer. It took time to get here, and I hope others find out earlier in life than I did!! You don’t need an advanced degrees to make good choices….but I realize earlier choices I made helped me later. My parents were immigrant refugees who survived WW2 camps. Crazy, damaged, but resilient with iron grit. It is with me daily. One foot in front of the other. You are worth it. Do not give up.
Well you had 40 years of illusion and dreams…it was fun to believe lies until it wasn’t.
Your post inspired me! You sound so resilient. I’m 7 years past DDay after 25 years of marriage. I know it doesn’t sound relaxing but eventually I threw myself back into my career. Besides that I spend a lot of time exercising and focusing on my health and healing- massage, saunas, gym, walks. Physical activity has been my savior
I’m now 11 years after DDAY… 2 years since my minor child finally aged out. During the worst of it, I walked with friends a LOT. And went to tons of therapy. But as I came out of the “punched in the face daily” part, I found that I just wanted to find myself. And “myself” loves making art. So much art. I paint. I draw. I create huge canvases. And then I buy more art from other people. I really need to sell my art to make more space… our place is overflowing. But it’s my peaceful place. And I can’t. Stop. It feels cathartic.
Yes! Sounds wonderful. Moving, walking, running outside is so healing. Continues to be part of my life. And as kids become adults, hopefully they will see you as the sane parent. It took time, but mine no longer see or talk to the FW, but talk and text to me almost daily,travel with m, etc. I visit them, and we celebrate holidays together. That really keeps you sane.
I’m a teacher of wild middle schoolers at a private school. I’ve taught every level including college, and this is my semi-retirement job. They’re silly and ask the wildest questions. This year, I’m doing only two afternoon classes, so the rest of the week is mine. So I’m prepping for September and am loving the possibilities. One class is familiar, and one is new. Both will be fun for me. I’ve taught every level from grade school through college. At this point, I don’t need the income, and it’s something that keeps me young.
I also learned mahjong over the summer and am getting more confident with that and am making some new friends.
My kids are raised and are amazing. Both were here yesterday, and I think I smiled all day long. One of them just got a 15% raise with potential for solid bonuses. The other one is doing innovative things at their company and is taking a professional cert exam today so they can ramp it up. Their romantic partner just took the bar exam and likely passed. So I think a celebration dinner is in order for all that. Time to coordinate schedules again!
38 years past#1 D day, 4 years past #2. Thrilled to be have been released from serving unstable relationships where I could be caring for a bully or a compulsive womanizer into their old age as their mentality and physicality deteriorates with age. My day starts with praise and a recommitment to the loving God my husband’s pretended to represent to me. I take care of a holy woman who has dementia, volunteer at a Jewish garden that feeds our community selflessly. Volunteer 🙋♀️ at a church food pantry, see my children and grandchildren activities without having to babysit the emotions and stomach of an unstable cheater. I go to see my doctors, dentist, therapist , massages, exercise as often as needed. I tend to my flower garden, I fly to see grandchildren without phone calls of..When are you coming home to me me me? I live on my very own in a small cozy place of peace and rest.It is a life worth living. I can’t express my gratitude. I can rest now, finally.
My ex was in poor health most of our marriage, and I began to see that my reality was going to be caretaking after he decided to retire. I had gotten him through repeated major health crises and actually saved his life several times.
Well, not my committee. Once during separation, I asked him if he was going to book an annual recheck that he needed. “You aren’t the boss of me!” His family was freaking out at one point about how he wasn’t taking care of things health-wise. Can’t do anything about that, talk to him…
Is he still alive Elsie? It has been a wonder to me how cheaters find other caregivers to keep their pill box full as they age. As you know, I believed my exhausting care giving due to his mental health decline was Valued and needed. I was replaced before the ink was dry with another caregiver wife. Both times..I was not the only one. EVER
My #2 Ex was bipolar, raging and with no ability to control his grasping for woman as his ED progressed. He was desperate to feel young again. There was no way to help that drive. I’m so grateful he showed all his behaviors after D day and to understand I was just a cog in his wheel and not special at all. That loss of being under the illusion and delusion that I was special and he needed ME was the hardest reality to face. It was a shock. A life time solo is a gift from heaven for what I could have faced. And if I gotte ill and in need of him, he would have abandoned me in some ways and all ways. He would have cheated with anything..even my caregivers..I was that at risk.
I too feel relieved not to be approaching old age looking after either FW I have survived. Like others, physical activities keep me sane: lately cycling, tennis, and swimming and last winter i took up cross-country skiing. Cultivating my friendships rather than putting my energy into manipulationships w Cheaters also keeps me sane. I visit my adult children as much as possible. Throw in maintenance sessions w a therapist who knows human predators are real and regular saunas i am mostly thriving.
Just like that👏⤴️. Chumps find peace here also with CL and CN. You are all like an underground railroad..mighty and stealth we hold hope and freedom from abuse in our own homes and with those who pretend to love us. This life is not problem free, we take our patterns of coping with us. But we now can now grow without servitude and that freedom is worth everything.
I’m now 9 years out from D-day. It’s been 5 years since FW died (which, after the initial shock and the mountains of paperwork involved, did WONDERS for restoring my sanity). My life is quite lovely now.
In the thick of it during our separation, the pick-me-dance, the gaslighting and lies and emotional rollercoaster of his ever-changing moods, the absolute best thing I did to stay sane was RUNNING. I am not a runner. I am not and never have been athletic. I have health issues that make breathing a challenge sometimes. I do not enjoy exercise.
But my mind would get into a rumination spiral, I wasn’t sleeping, and I could barely eat. Because of my lack of athletic prowess, running was HARD. I had to focus. I’d count my breaths – in 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, out 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. It took all my concentration, which meant I couldn’t be replaying conversations or going down mental rabbit holes. I’d play music I found inspring that had a steady beat I could time my steps to (like Eminem’s “Beautiful Pain” or Sia’s “Flames”). My body would be physically exhausted so it was easier for me to fall asleep. (I was also taking an anti-anxiety medication which helped with appetite and sleep. There’s no shame in needing medical help to keep your sanity.)
Two other things helped when I had to deal with FW (and very often AP) on a regular basis:
1) Journaling out all my feelings, especially anger. Often in the form of letters to FW and/or AP telling them exactly what I thought of them.
2) Screaming to angry music in my car (“Burn” by Papa Roach, and “One Step Closer” by Linkin Park made frequent appearances. There is something so healing about screaming “SHUT UP WHEN I’M TALKING TO YOU. SHUT UP. SHUT UP. SHUT. UUUUUUUP!” after a frustrating circular “conversation” with your FW.)
Venting my feelings before and/or after dealing with FW and AP allowed me to keep my cool when I had to physically be around them. It didn’t get rid of my anger and frustration, but it gave me the ability to be civil for a little while and not look crazy or say something stupid.
I could retire completely but stay in the game part time working with recovering addicts. I am caregiver for my adult disabled child. I take one foreign language class per semester at the local university to feed my ambition of becoming a polyglot. I live on an acre near the beach and have 10 backyard chickens, a coon hound and a chihuahua. I do my own landscaping. My guilty pleasure is British crime novels. FW and Schmoopie live 15 miles away and their marriage is terrible. I am grateful to be outside the blast radius and live in peace and quiet.
The ex was a hoarder (of junk, not just supply). I’ve been busy clearing out junk he left…marketplace, donation or bonfire! Very cathartic!
I mow nicer than he does, my gardens are full of flowers and zinnias are my new love! They are tough, resilient, and covered in different colored blooms!
My house is clean and tidy and I’ve rearranged furniture!
My life is so much better without him in it.
And Karma is dealing with him…
After 10 months of no contact, he left a bottle of wine by my gate. Trouble in paradise???
I have a daily journal which captures my priorities- exercise, friends/family, pet care, volunteer work, political activism, home chores. If I do most of that most days, I’m good.
If I start to slump, I listen to 10% Happier or Tara Brach podcasts where eastern meditation meets western brain science.
Hobbies: I started and am leading a D&D group with my friends. I’ve really only wanted to play as a player before due to time constraints, but running the game has actually been a fun distraction now. I’ve also dusted off my very dusty guitar. Yes I know that’s the most cliche response possible for a divorced man. Yes I still suck at it years later.
Actual processing: I’m fortunate to have a great support network. I have family I can vent with. My friends will check in every few weeks for updates since I’ve dialed back on my venting to them and have been talking to them more about the random pointless things guys talk to each other about (not the Roman Empire…but close). It also admittedly helps that each time I give an update they are baffled by FW’s behavior, while I’m no longer surprised.
Watching Heated Rivalry (to an arguably unhealthy level).
It might be odd to some, that a 40-something hetero female chump is obsessed with a romance story between two 20-something men, but it’s exactly the panacea I need and I don’t fully understand why.
I guess FW did a great job in turning me off hetero men (hopefully not forever). But this show is not just about hot guys falling in love, it also handles the issue of consent, respect and communication so well… something most of us chumps have been sadly missing in our lives.
I’m still at the cottage.