What Are You Doing to Stay Sane?
The Friday Challenge question is: What are you doing to stay sane? Sometimes every day feels like a punch in the face. How are you bouncing back?
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Tangential to our usual “tell me how you’re mighty” questions around here, I was wondering about the minutia of your sanity.
What helps you regain focus, calm down and tune out?
Besides pharmaceuticals.
I figure we could all use some sanity tips about now. I realize that one person’s Zen garden (scrap booking!) could be another person’s anxiety spiral. But maybe we can help each other with some meditation podcasts or something.
For me, my sanity go to is Facebook marketplace irises. Ordinarily I would say “art classes” but recently, I’ve gone down a rabbit hole of irises. All the irises. Japanese, Dutch, but especially bearded irises. They’re beautiful, they’re tenacious, and you can get them for about a dollar a rhizome if you know what Amish farmer to follow on my feed.
I’m kind of obsessed. Whatever spikes my blood pressure, looking iris catalogs lowers it. Ooh. They come in so many different varieties!
And then I love the thrill of the hunt of Facebook market place. Can I score a clump? I’ll meet a fellow obsessive, and then that person will turn me on to another source. Do you know about the daylily lady?
Next thing I know, I’m in some remote corner of my state meeting a woman with a wheelbarrow of tubers.
Actually, the daylily lady renewed my faith in humankind for an afternoon. She reserves a special section of her huge yard to propagate day lilies. And then she sells them to raise money for her medical missions. She’s an RN and she goes to places like Haiti and Guatamala to provide free medical care to those in need.
“I”ll take the whole wheelbarrow full.”
(It was $35!!!!!! I gave her $40.)
And the next thing I know, I have a backseat full of dirt and lilies and I’m handing out clumps to my neighbors. And I feel better.
At least until the next news headline. Time to score more flowers…
How are you staying sane, CN?
TGIF!
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Ah. The bearded iris. The rhizome rabbit hole. I’m partial to the lovely Beverly Sills. I’m a pink girl. Think pink you won’t be blue.
I’m also addicted to the American Iris Society website. Everything you didn’t know you needed to know.
And they are mostly hardy right?…my friend grew a full acre.of rare Irises and sold the bulbs. She died, her husband let it all go and plowed the acre under..sad loss to that community.
I believe they are hardy Zone 3 and higher. The way you plant the rhizomes is different in colder zones. In colder temps you bury the rhizomes under the soil and give them a good mulch to keep them warm in the winter. Where I live, they are planted so that half the rhizomes show above the soil and never mulched.
It’s a shame about your friend’s patch being plowed under. That’s criminal if you ask me! Maybe some survived? Irises are tough and take a lot of abuse.
I play Bass in a classic Rock Band, talk to people all over the world on my Ham radio, build electric guitar amplifiers, restore old pinball machines, work on my 1951 Pontiac, gardening, maintain a 100 acre woodlot, and pursue things that satisfy my insatiable curiosity.
“I haven’t got time for the pain”-Carly Simon.
Beautiful- all your energy invested in life.
Well done you.
I am in my 70s, empty nest, retired. My cheater conned me nearly 40 years. No more
I had a good career, PhD, ,traveled the world. Still do! Saw this as I am getting ready for a fairly typical day. I go to my wonderful gym 5 or 6 mornings a week. Trampoline class, Barre, Sculpt, weights,hyrox. All of it,on different days, followed by a run. Saturday morning I go to religious services, see friends and have a lovely lunch. I go to movies,plays, book clubs,lectures, my mani ‘pedi gal, massage therapist and individual therapist. Have friends of all ages, travel very often . Volunteer on 2 boards. Run lots of races and collect bling ( medals)
Life is good now, I stay sane and thankful daily for not being in that insanity any longer. It took time to get here, and I hope others find out earlier in life than I did!! You don’t need an advanced degrees to make good choices….but I realize earlier choices I made helped me later. My parents were immigrant refugees who survived WW2 camps. Crazy, damaged, but resilient with iron grit. It is with me daily. One foot in front of the other. You are worth it. Do not give up.
“thankful daily for not being in that insanity any longer” This. I’m 70ish too and grateful for every day. Exercise over the years has saved me from stress. Walking, swimming, yoga, affordable golf on public courses. There’s also lunch with friends, reading, book group, and TV (yes, TV). No Facebook. Funny Tick Tocks selected for me by my daughter. And lately Dr Ramani on You Tube. Thank you to whomever on this blog recommended Dr Ramani’s book “It’s Not You” which aptly describes my pre-divorce life with a narcissist. Dr Ramani (her first name) and CL are my heroes.
Thanks for the referral. I just put a request in at my local library.
I’m also heading quickly towards 70 and I think for people of our generation TV has a bad reputation. Idk why, maybe because our parents and grandparents had so little TV choices and so much household labor that they considered sitting on their bottoms a terrific waste of time. Just a hypothesis. Anyway I love TV and keep YouTube on in the background (Max Miller Tasting History, Mr. Ballen, anybody who does Reddit reactions) while doing chores and I watch Green Acres while doing my daily physical therapy. It’s not all bad.
Well you had 40 years of illusion and dreams…it was fun to believe lies until it wasn’t.
Your post inspired me! You sound so resilient. I’m 7 years past DDay after 25 years of marriage. I know it doesn’t sound relaxing but eventually I threw myself back into my career. Besides that I spend a lot of time exercising and focusing on my health and healing- massage, saunas, gym, walks. Physical activity has been my savior
I’m now 11 years after DDAY… 2 years since my minor child finally aged out. During the worst of it, I walked with friends a LOT. And went to tons of therapy. But as I came out of the “punched in the face daily” part, I found that I just wanted to find myself. And “myself” loves making art. So much art. I paint. I draw. I create huge canvases. And then I buy more art from other people. I really need to sell my art to make more space… our place is overflowing. But it’s my peaceful place. And I can’t. Stop. It feels cathartic.
In my living room I have a print of “Pie In The Sky” by surrealist Dan Craig. I am now living a life that seemed out of reach before my divorce.
Yes! Sounds wonderful. Moving, walking, running outside is so healing. Continues to be part of my life. And as kids become adults, hopefully they will see you as the sane parent. It took time, but mine no longer see or talk to the FW, but talk and text to me almost daily,travel with m, etc. I visit them, and we celebrate holidays together. That really keeps you sane.
I’m a teacher of wild middle schoolers at a private school. I’ve taught every level including college, and this is my semi-retirement job. They’re silly and ask the wildest questions. This year, I’m doing only two afternoon classes, so the rest of the week is mine. So I’m prepping for September and am loving the possibilities. One class is familiar, and one is new. Both will be fun for me. I’ve taught every level from grade school through college. At this point, I don’t need the income, and it’s something that keeps me young.
I also learned mahjong over the summer and am getting more confident with that and am making some new friends.
My kids are raised and are amazing. Both were here yesterday, and I think I smiled all day long. One of them just got a 15% raise with potential for solid bonuses. The other one is doing innovative things at their company and is taking a professional cert exam today so they can ramp it up. Their romantic partner just took the bar exam and likely passed. So I think a celebration dinner is in order for all that. Time to coordinate schedules again!
38 years past#1 D day, 4 years past #2. Thrilled to be have been released from serving unstable relationships where I could be caring for a bully or a compulsive womanizer into their old age as their mentality and physicality deteriorates with age. My day starts with praise and a recommitment to the loving God my husband’s pretended to represent to me. I take care of a holy woman who has dementia, volunteer at a Jewish garden that feeds our community selflessly. Volunteer 🙋♀️ at a church food pantry, see my children and grandchildren activities without having to babysit the emotions and stomach of an unstable cheater. I go to see my doctors, dentist, therapist , massages, exercise as often as needed. I tend to my flower garden, I fly to see grandchildren without phone calls of..When are you coming home to me me me? I live on my very own in a small cozy place of peace and rest.It is a life worth living. I can’t express my gratitude. I can rest now, finally.
My ex was in poor health most of our marriage, and I began to see that my reality was going to be caretaking after he decided to retire. I had gotten him through repeated major health crises and actually saved his life several times.
Well, not my committee. Once during separation, I asked him if he was going to book an annual recheck that he needed. “You aren’t the boss of me!” His family was freaking out at one point about how he wasn’t taking care of things health-wise. Can’t do anything about that, talk to him…
Is he still alive Elsie? It has been a wonder to me how cheaters find other caregivers to keep their pill box full as they age. As you know, I believed my exhausting care giving due to his mental health decline was Valued and needed. I was replaced before the ink was dry with another caregiver wife. Both times..I was not the only one. EVER
Far as I know. I’m still getting the full split of his pension. We negotiated survivors, and it will drop percentage-wise at that point.
But yes, he had a huge list of issues.
One time after my ex left, our mutual internist commented that he was truly surprised that my ex was still alive. My ex had one “ticking time bomb” issue that came to light in all of the medical tests that they did when he tried to unalive himself. The doctor in the ICU said that could be a source of mental instability too and might suddenly end his life if it wasn’t addressed. We discussed that in the period where I took him back, but then after that? I doubt he addressed it.
He also had another potentially life-threatening issue come up literally weeks after he left the second time. That took about a year to resolve, from what little I know.
Then he got COVID in 2020 and ended up with long COVID. A relative of his told me that. My ex was largely silent for a time. There was one last issue that my ex threatened to take me to court over (completely bogus), and then he let go. Reportedly, he had a longer-term love interest.
The last time a relative of his communicated with me, they observed that my ex was grossly overweight and was barely getting around.
So, probably not long? One time my trauma therapist commented that sometimes the mean ones last a long time, so best to move on with my life without assuming his end :).
I hope he stays alive so that you continue to get the higher amount you’re getting from his pension.
Thanks. Actually, I’d be fine. Social Security survivor’s benefits would more than make up for it.
My #2 Ex was bipolar, raging and with no ability to control his grasping for woman as his ED progressed. He was desperate to feel young again. There was no way to help that drive. I’m so grateful he showed all his behaviors after D day and to understand I was just a cog in his wheel and not special at all. That loss of being under the illusion and delusion that I was special and he needed ME was the hardest reality to face. It was a shock. A life time solo is a gift from heaven for what I could have faced. And if I gotte ill and in need of him, he would have abandoned me in some ways and all ways. He would have cheated with anything..even my caregivers..I was that at risk.
My ex was borderline, diagnosed by his PhD therapist. I didn’t really grasp that until he was gone. He very much had the fear of abandonment and was so bad that way that he’d freak out if I was out of town or if he couldn’t remember where I was if I wasn’t home. That was an issue that really confused me early in our marriage.
And then all of the instability and varying intensity and hatred towards me. It seemed like he was perpetually demanding 100% of my attention when he was home, and he was a big stonewaller, sometimes not talking to me for a month or more. When he broke a long silence, he always wanted a divorce that I talked him out of. He had years of telling me he had thoughts of unaliving himself and one unsuccessful attempt in between our two separations. No wonder I was just completely worn thin when he finally went to another state.
During my divorce, I became friends with a local pastor who had been a therapist at the state mental hospital. Then he went to seminary and pastored a small church for several decades while doing therapy on the side. Sitting with him at Chik-Fil-A, discussing all the details of borderline helped me process the patterns in my ex that were “laid down thick” (my friend’s terminology). My friend predicted that if my ex felt like the divorce wasn’t going well for him, he’d likely talk again about unaliving himself again. Not long after that, my STBX shared those thoughts with his attorney when settlement had stalled. His attorney wanted to quit at that point, but mine convinced him to push harder to get it settled, and we did.
If my ex is still with someone, she gets all that and more. My retired therapist friend commented once that my ex might actually be able to sustain a relationship for awhile because of his charm and money, but in time, there would be issues. Or, if my ex dated a narcassist, there would be a wild time of ugly devaluation and push-pull.
Count me out!
I too feel relieved not to be approaching old age looking after either FW I have survived. Like others, physical activities keep me sane: lately cycling, tennis, and swimming and last winter i took up cross-country skiing. Cultivating my friendships rather than putting my energy into manipulationships w Cheaters also keeps me sane. I visit my adult children as much as possible. Throw in maintenance sessions w a therapist who knows human predators are real and regular saunas i am mostly thriving.
Just like that👏⤴️. Chumps find peace here also with CL and CN. You are all like an underground railroad..mighty and stealth we hold hope and freedom from abuse in our own homes and with those who pretend to love us. This life is not problem free, we take our patterns of coping with us. But we now can now grow without servitude and that freedom is worth everything.
I’m now 9 years out from D-day. It’s been 5 years since FW died (which, after the initial shock and the mountains of paperwork involved, did WONDERS for restoring my sanity). My life is quite lovely now.
In the thick of it during our separation, the pick-me-dance, the gaslighting and lies and emotional rollercoaster of his ever-changing moods, the absolute best thing I did to stay sane was RUNNING. I am not a runner. I am not and never have been athletic. I have health issues that make breathing a challenge sometimes. I do not enjoy exercise.
But my mind would get into a rumination spiral, I wasn’t sleeping, and I could barely eat. Because of my lack of athletic prowess, running was HARD. I had to focus. I’d count my breaths – in 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, out 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. It took all my concentration, which meant I couldn’t be replaying conversations or going down mental rabbit holes. I’d play music I found inspring that had a steady beat I could time my steps to (like Eminem’s “Beautiful Pain” or Sia’s “Flames”). My body would be physically exhausted so it was easier for me to fall asleep. (I was also taking an anti-anxiety medication which helped with appetite and sleep. There’s no shame in needing medical help to keep your sanity.)
Two other things helped when I had to deal with FW (and very often AP) on a regular basis:
1) Journaling out all my feelings, especially anger. Often in the form of letters to FW and/or AP telling them exactly what I thought of them.
2) Screaming to angry music in my car (“Burn” by Papa Roach, and “One Step Closer” by Linkin Park made frequent appearances. There is something so healing about screaming “SHUT UP WHEN I’M TALKING TO YOU. SHUT UP. SHUT UP. SHUT. UUUUUUUP!” after a frustrating circular “conversation” with your FW.)
Venting my feelings before and/or after dealing with FW and AP allowed me to keep my cool when I had to physically be around them. It didn’t get rid of my anger and frustration, but it gave me the ability to be civil for a little while and not look crazy or say something stupid.
That takes massive grit to take up running, especially in your darkest hour… well impressed!!!🙌
I could retire completely but stay in the game part time working with recovering addicts. I am caregiver for my adult disabled child. I take one foreign language class per semester at the local university to feed my ambition of becoming a polyglot. I live on an acre near the beach and have 10 backyard chickens, a coon hound and a chihuahua. I do my own landscaping. My guilty pleasure is British crime novels. FW and Schmoopie live 15 miles away and their marriage is terrible. I am grateful to be outside the blast radius and live in peace and quiet.
I like your use of “blast radius.”
My ex lives about 1,000 miles away. Believe me, I am grateful.
The ex was a hoarder (of junk, not just supply). I’ve been busy clearing out junk he left…marketplace, donation or bonfire! Very cathartic!
I mow nicer than he does, my gardens are full of flowers and zinnias are my new love! They are tough, resilient, and covered in different colored blooms!
My house is clean and tidy and I’ve rearranged furniture!
My life is so much better without him in it.
And Karma is dealing with him…
After 10 months of no contact, he left a bottle of wine by my gate. Trouble in paradise???
I would drink it at my leisure and if he asks say “What wine”.
I wouldn’t touch it for fear that he had, somehow, put something in it.
Pitched it!
Yes, feed it to the Zinnias!
I have a daily journal which captures my priorities- exercise, friends/family, pet care, volunteer work, political activism, home chores. If I do most of that most days, I’m good.
If I start to slump, I listen to 10% Happier or Tara Brach podcasts where eastern meditation meets western brain science.
Oh I really like this! I remember decades ago, going through depression, and had I think Susan Hay’s Power Planner. Basically what you are doing… capturing all the priority categories to try to fulfil each day, for better mental health. So each day do something that will involve family/friends, exercise, I can’t recall all but there were about 12 categories I think. And she included a daily challenge, something you had been putting off like making a phonecall or appointment, or doing a particular chore. Thanks for the reminder Step!😊
Krispy Kreme. Kudos to all making healthier choices; hope to join you one day.
💕
I’m inspired by the gardeners, PL. I love flowers and flowers in vases. But I’m no gardener. I’ve decided today I’m hoping to join them one day too, and have lovely flower beds and flowers to share. I’m just going to do one plant at a time though, or one packet of seeds, in one little corner of the garden. And suss out who the hardy ones are in these parts, thems are the sort I need! 💐
Hugs 😘
Hobbies: I started and am leading a D&D group with my friends. I’ve really only wanted to play as a player before due to time constraints, but running the game has actually been a fun distraction now. I’ve also dusted off my very dusty guitar. Yes I know that’s the most cliche response possible for a divorced man. Yes I still suck at it years later.
Actual processing: I’m fortunate to have a great support network. I have family I can vent with. My friends will check in every few weeks for updates since I’ve dialed back on my venting to them and have been talking to them more about the random pointless things guys talk to each other about (not the Roman Empire…but close). It also admittedly helps that each time I give an update they are baffled by FW’s behavior, while I’m no longer surprised.
Watching Heated Rivalry (to an arguably unhealthy level).
It might be odd to some, that a 40-something hetero female chump is obsessed with a romance story between two 20-something men, but it’s exactly the panacea I need and I don’t fully understand why.
I guess FW did a great job in turning me off hetero men (hopefully not forever). But this show is not just about hot guys falling in love, it also handles the issue of consent, respect and communication so well… something most of us chumps have been sadly missing in our lives.
I’m still at the cottage.
Funny you mention daylilies…I have hundreds of them in my yard (all that yellow/orangy color) and this past spring, I made a point of splitting them and giving them away and it turned into a neighborhood love fest.
And you also mentioned scrapbooking…way-back in the before-times of being a nuclear family with Cheater and 3 little kids (Cheater now dead and kids grown), scrapbooking was my happy place. I thought I was doing a stellar job of documenting the womderful childhood I was making for my kids (by eating shit sandwiches and survival of misery) thinking how they would someday look at the books and realize what a good mom I was.
I now really hate looking at family photos and seeing the sadness on our faces. Add to it that Cheater made a stupid (often mean) face in every photo taken of him (especially ones with me). Honest to God, he really did ruin this for me and please dont tell me to change my attitude, it got here honestly.
My sanity is most soothed by regularly reminding myself that even though my suffering was real, Im quite fortunate that life has (in this era) turned out pretty good and I hope it to last for a while. Im enjoying my cup being about 3/4 full in nearly every way. “Gratitude”…its that, yea.
I’ve cut FW out of some photos with my kids and reprinted them for display in order to keep my home a FW-free zone.
Like you, I dislike looking at old family photos and scrapbooks that I spent so much time making. Now I see the shadows of sadness and stress in my smiling face in those old photos, the wife appliance trapped in a sexless marriage with a FW narcopath unaware of the web of deceit in which she’s living.
I love lilies of all kinds. Most of them are so hardy. I had to leave my bright orange lilies that I had in an outside rolling planter. I gave them to my neighbor that had helped my late husband and me so much through the last couple years.
This group is what initially set me on the path back to sanity. Chump lady’s name was mentioned somewhere in my frantic searches for support that would help me not to feel so confused. And there you all were. Like a beacon of reality in a sea of R.I.C. Since then I have focused on my healing which has been much easier when you’re not being purposefully mislead by a cluster b personality disorder. Gardening has always been theraputic for me. Lately it’s been organizing and packing in preparation for the move to my new life. And my beloved bearded irises will make that journey with me.
Our house was a major eyesore because FW insisted we keep the dead and dying juniper bushes that ran along the front of the house. It was so depressing to pass them each time I’d come or go to the house.
As soon as he left, I found volunteers who cut them down, then a year or so later, pulled out the dead stumps and roots.
I planted an apology garden near our neighbors’ property line, and they were thrilled, because it looks like it’s their flower garden, not mine.
Ever since, then-tween, now teen and I have been slowing replacing our yard with flowers–mostly iris! I prefer purple and blue. Had zero dollars after all the marital thefts, so they’ve come from people thinning their beds. I take almost anything offered, so I also have a line of peonies, some clumps of daylilies, a rose bush, etc. It gives me so much joy now whenever I come and go, and I often stop to take pictures. And yes, we have passed some along to express our thanks.
After six years, I finally found my avocation. Since I still fear that he might find me here, I won’t say what it is, because it’s public and I don’t want him showing up. I now have a group of friends and we socialize around our interest, although most of them are decades younger than me. The first time I was complimented, I thought it was patronization. Ditto for the next two times. Then I realized it was genuine admiration. Although I got a lot of great on-the-job feedback, FW never said anything positive, so I wasn’t used to compliments. And I’m also stunned by the level or respect–FW was so envious of my professional success that he diminished me both privately and publicly.
It does take practice, so I can focus on that instead of FW. Several people have mentioned that when I talk about it, I come alive. So true; that’s how I feel.
I also HATE junipers. I know that most people move from the home they shared with their FW but I stayed for reasons (which turned out to be good reasons). The first summer after he died, I ripped out nearly all the junipers and dragged them into my forest (yes, I have a real forest and it amazes me every day).
Me and subsequent husband had a wall of trees taken down…I forget what they are called but to me they were the tree equivalent of junipers. We planted 2 magnolia trees we hope will be showpieces in the future.
My yard is a TON of work, but its also stunning and even decades in, I cant believe its my home. (not his, not the bank’s, not new husband’s, not my kids’…its MINE.
My dog helps my sanity. He’s my running buddy, my couch buddy, and is always happy to see me. All he needs is food, pets, and outside time to be happy. ❤️
My dog is like that. She reads my emotions like a book. I provide food, couch time, walks, and pets.
I always wondered why our two dogs were standoff-ish with Cheater #1. Now I know – he ignored them when I was traveling for work in favor of the druggie sluts. I took them with me when I left and we were all much happier.
While I was going through “the suck” what kept me sane was my therapist and a kickboxing gym. I went to a great yoga studio as well, but I really needed a more violent outlet for all my anger, lol. It was great. The workouts exhausted me, and hitting combos against trainers’ mitts while grunting like a tennis star really helped get all that rage out. Sometimes I’d get in my car after a workout and let out a good, long, primal scream. Other times I’d get in and the sobs would come. Whatever, I did what I felt my body needed to complete the stress cycle. 1000% kept me sane (and out of jail for assault).
Nowadays concerts and the outdoors keep me sane. I’m taking my daughter to an early evening gig tomorrow and even splurged on some VIP access for us. I paddleboard, hike, ski, enjoy beach days, nature walks if I don’t have time for a hike. Corners of the internet like this are a godsend, but so much of online content just isn’t good for you. The more I can keep myself off a screen, “touch grass” so they say, the better.
#1 always is COMING HERE TO READ!
(Thank you with all my combination Massachusetts Michigander California Girl heart!)
#2 an excellent therapist
#3 my spiritual program
Learning to love and care for myself (those are VERBS!) in all ways is the big lesson of infidelity recovery for me. Healing from this is a very long and challenging road.
♥️
I love this! Over 10 years out from divorce and children 25 and 29, I’m quite sane! It was definitely a long slog to get where I am, Tuesday! But what does Tuesday look like for me after what sounded like a really sad country western song? A fun and well paying second career, a cozy little apartment/poolhouse, a little ruby cavalier named Ted, my mental and physical health, and slowly working my way through anything Shakespeare with a fresh perspective. Oh! And I learned how to play the guitar because I’ve got a lot of “good”material to work with!!!
I love cavaliers! One of my surgeons had two that he would occasionally bring in to work. Those sweet baby dogs would trot around the waiting room lightning the mood for the patients. Tell Ted I said “Hey”.
I will! He is an absolute delight!! You would love him!!!
My saviours are nature (hiking, camping, kayaking, birdwatching, swimming in ocean), community (professional boards, trivia clubs, support groups through 12 step, mom groups), curiosity (bucket list travel, reading/movies, internet rabbit holes). And combining all of the above (the conversations I have with my hiking and kayaking groups!).
Since I’m nearly six years out from D-Day, and especially since I found CL (3 years ago?) I can honestly say I’m not insane anymore. The crazy days of “wtf is happening?!?!” are over. During those days I would journal obsessively; I still do that but I’m down to 2-3x per week instead of 2-3x per day. Here’s what I don’t recommend to cope with stress: anxiety rides. My D-Day was during lockdown. When I say I was alone – I was alone. So I would get in my car, crank the music up like I were a teenager, and get on the freeway and rural roads through farmland and put the pedal to the metal. Idk why this helped, maybe just because I was not home alone hearing my own footsteps echo. I do not recommend this just because anything could have happened. I was and am a good driver, but when the unexpected happens at speed – well anything could have happened.
These days I have a different source of stress: a chronic medical condition that needs focus and behavioral change. I have had surgery, currently have CBT therapy, physical therapy, and medication. But no more anxiety rides. Now I use physical activity (walking, weights, and rowing, along with my PT exercises) and fantasizing to relax. My rule for fantasizing is that the fantasy has to be something which could never happen in real life, otherwise it starts to become a plan of action in my mind and defeats the purpose of escapism. For example, many here have said they tend their gardens. My thumb is so deep brown that it is nearly black, so when I need a break from reality I plan gardens in my head. If I were actually a gardener that planning a garden would turn into planting a garden; but since I don’t need to think realistically my gardens have waterfalls and swimming ponds, ever blooming fruits and flowers, statuary, bed swings, and for the colder months an enormous marble fireplace with a napping nook. There are other subjects to fantasize about, but the rule still applies: nothing that could become reality. I also spend time writing books which will probably never see publication but I really love doing it.
FW free life is wonderful, and so is old age.
In the summer, it’s trail running or walking in the woods, followed by a swim. In winter I get out the snowshoes. Connecting with nature while moving is my form of meditation. I tune out everything but birdsong and the wind in the trees.
An idea I got from my therapist early on…it was a good one. I went back, way back to one more time see people and places that were important and not part of the decades of being conned. I went to my 50th college undergrad reunion. Other side of the country. It was glorious! I had so much fun. About 10 months after that, I had an informal reunion with grad school pals, in another part of the country. About a year after that, I traveled again across the country with adult child to see where I was born, drove a few hundred miles down to where I grew up and went to school, learned to ski as a kindergartner, and even had lunch with 2 old,old friends. It was all wonderful, and healing. And I got to do it I while I could really enjoy it. Think about the nostalgia bucket list trips…they were so healing when I was early on. Helped me remember the me I once was before I was broken, and helped me get back on my feet.
I like how you described that.
Some years ago, I went back to where I grew up to care for my recently widowed aunt. I was working remotely, so not a problem. As we drove around and talked about the past, there was indeed a lot of healing on my part. I celebrated two years divorced by taking her to one of our favorite restaurants, a place that opened in the 1950’s. Dealing with her dementia and getting her affairs in order was hard, but I never regretted that time. I flew back and forth several times a year for some time, even when she no longer recognized me. I’d go to the care home, and we’d talk about her childhood and her sister (my mom). I just took it as it was, and handled her legal and financial issues in between.
In January, I led her funeral, telling several stories about what she meant to me. Several of my friends from high school came. Yup, all in our 60’s, and there we were. I felt like I had come back around full circle.
I’m sorry for your loss.
Oh Tracy, you’re so funny!
“Besides pharmaceuticals.”
“Next thing I know, I’m in some remote corner of my state meeting a woman with a wheelbarrow of tubers.”
LOL!
What I’m doing is finishing an embroidery project I started in high school. (I’m 64.) Swearing while I’m trying to do f***ing French knots (an embroidery stitch) distracts me from my problems for a while. Preferably while watching reruns of procedural police shows on broadcast TV.
I’m also thinking about learning to crochet. I meant to ask my mom to teach me, but I didn’t get around to it before she died.
Have you got an Elderly Support organisation in your area? They might be able to connect you with someone who is needing social connection and would love to teach you 🥰 (after required police checks of course!)
Thanks for the suggestion. I believe someone gives free lessons at our public library, but I need to check into that. Also, there’s a Michael’s close to where I live, and I bet they have workshops on crocheting.
Walking with my dog. It helps me think. Quiet time with my morning cup of coffee and my pets sitting round me. The peace to enjoy this.
In the early days, what kept me sane was learning over and over that I had some control through and of my grief, even though I couldn’t control them (xh + ap). So daily:
1. Lisa Hone’s TED Talk on YouTube on Resilient Grieving.(15 min)
2. Discovering meditations (on YouTube), particularly those guided ones that combined science and spirituality. I searched “empowering me”, as my therapist said I needed to step into my own power.
3. CL and CN for validation, clarity, and LOL humour.
Now I am over a year out from D Day, I haven’t yet got back to my sport (social level) as just don’t have the energy needed nor the inclination. And I had to give up volunteer work running a charity as my brain still can’t always process and there’s a mental block to getting things done (I discovered it has a name: avolition).
But this has freed up some time and I continue the meditations (more about general life, impermanence, detachment along Buddhist teachings and psychology). And
4. Cafe Coffee Therapy (CCT) when I can to start my working day. In the early days this was also when I did a lot of journalling. I LOVE doing this for me.
5. I realised I wasn’t doing any exercise and wasn’t motivated even to go for a walk much. But the “Walk1200km” Challenge has been enough to motivate me to do the average 3.3 km / day. If you do this every day for a year, you have covered 1200 km. You can search it on Google and start any day. I’ve just past my 6 month mark and pretty stoked to say I’ve walked 600 km this year. And most of that is by choosing to not use my car, so an environmental win too.
Thank you CL and CN, the bedrock of Chumpdom… ♥️💕xxx
I understand the plant love.
As a lifelong herbalist, there’s nothing better than burying my face in an open field of botanical peace and calm.
Nothing else matters when I’m out there.
It is the same when I’m up in my brother’s 1940s open cockpit tiger moth aeroplane.
Such freedom and peace.
I’m currently road tripping around Australia – country of my heart and learning how to play guitar .
I’m living the life I want to live from now on- no more FW – or any male-centrality for me.
A comprehensive answer is already given in the July 30 post UBT: I Didn’t Know How to Express My Unhappiness. It’s “meditate, exercise, and take vitamins”.
Especially the latter. The more vitamins, the better.
Verified.
Approved by all pharmaceutical companies and shrinks.
While I was with my ex I started painting. Just using cheap dollar store acrylic paint and a cookie sheet as my canvas. I used the cookie sheet because I could just wash it and do it again.
Finally I did one that I liked well enough to clear coat it. I painted anything I could easily wash off, my ex hauled scrap metal, so I painted old watering cans, shovel heads, mail boxes etc with flowers.
I always loved gardening and missed my gardens, so I would paint the flowers.
Then one day someone asked to buy a couple of things I’d painted.
When I left my ex I was totally broke so loaded up a bunch of my painted things and drove to a local town that had a bunch of arts and crafts stores and antique shops. I was so afraid to ask if someone wanted to buy my stuff but I only had enough gas to get there and was forced to approach a shop owner because I was desperate.
She bought everything I had in my trunk and told me to come back with more.
She was a God send. For several years she carried my painted pieces in her store. It enabled me to survive those first few years after I left my ex.
Then I got a job as the gardener at a golf course. (My dream job, doing what I love) work got so busy I didn’t have time to paint and I rarely paint any more.
Now I plant real flowers and only paint for friends and family as gifts.
But for years I would sit and paint for hours, it kept my mind from obsessing about my ex. It was a boost to my ego and self esteem because people would buy what I created. It was a win in so many ways.
That, and writing.
That’s beautiful. And brave! And awesome you found that particular Ladywithastore. I’d love one of your painted, upcycled pieces of art in my garden 🥰
Aside from time with friends and cooking with the kids stuff?
Money management and investing, budgeting helps calm my anxiety and is a good skill to learn after surviving FW abandonment. So many interesting topics to learn and it’s satisfying intellectually. It’s frightening how many wives are ignorant of the finances, and while I wasn’t one of those my FW narcopath was a masterful thief so I lost a lot of assets anyway. It’s become a little hobby for me to read stock market news daily and tweak my budgeting app.
Key activity for sanity? Frequent good sex with the fiancé.
Exercise: Gym, hiking, dancing, swimming, biking, rowing. Reading: mostly Psychology, Sociology (Women’s issues) and women’s autobiographies. Journaling and painting. Decorating my home. Gardening and cooking. Listening to women discuss shit on podcasts. Listening to all kinds of music. Visits with grandchildren. I’m glad that, for me, keeping sane is simple and low cost. These types of activities are meditative and somatic. Very therapeutic and sanity friendly.
When I was still with husband number one and things were seriously falling apart I gardened as much as I could and fed the birds. I loved sitting in the front watching the various birds stop by and checking out what I could grow in this very very dry hot desert I live in.
After I left and moved into a small apartment for a while I grew a few things in my little patio. Now I’m retired and travel a lot so I’m not gardening but my passion is going to as many national parks, state parks, national monuments I can. I love learning about the biology of the places we travel and I’m at my absolute calmest out in nature whenever I can be. Right now it’s way hot outside but taking a drive in the mountains around us is always an easy day trip.
Mostly it has been re-engaging with the things and hobbies that kept me sane prior to that idiot stealing my peace (and admittedly, things that I neglected in my own codependence).
There were hobbies that she hated, things that I wanted to get into and experiment with more (mostly on the creative side-photography, sculpting, etc) that she poo-poo’d and/or I did not have the time to for when I was too busy running around keeping the household running while it turned out that she was doing..nothing. I do more with those things now. Nothing (particularly) unhealthy-I just think toward the end it was easier to keep me Pick-Me Dancing by bullying me out of my hobbies.
I am travelling more. I grew up on roadtrips and tried to share that passion with her. It dawned on me somewhere even when she was still around that most of the time off that I was scheduling was wrapped around her in some way (medical appointments, driving all day to see her family, etc). She stopped coming on my annual sojourns and would get fussy when I’d go somewhere with friends for the weekend by way of discouraging that sort of thing.
TLDR I am back to doing or doing more of a lot of the things my Traitor disapproved of and that is keeping me a lot saner!
Im 47 M and I’m just beginning my chump journey. 3 months in now since D day. Finding ways to survive my own mind has changed me in so many ways. I have taken up reading for the first time in my life. Educating myself on this very unexpected new chapter of my life has been good for me. Gardening, working on my Hotrod and spending time with some very elderly friends has saved my sanity most days.
Any other advice is appreciated. I never knew life could flip upside down so fast.