You’re Not Reacting to Betrayal At All As They Imagined
The Friday Challenge is: stupid things cheaters say about how you’re reacting to betrayal. What’s the big deal?
***
In yesterday’s post, WasaTradWife made this observation about her D-Day:
I got, “I’m surprised you’re taking it so badly,” not after a little out of town kissy face but after several multiple-year affairs. It was a good wake-up call. If FW was really surprised based on my past behavior, I resolved that my future behavior would never give anyone the impression that I was cool with being treated like sh*t.
I’m Surprised You’re Taking It So Badly?!
How exactly did this cheater THINK this was going to go down? Oh, you have a double life going back years? Pass the gravy?
As our mighty chump pointed out, this guy clearly was under the impression that she was cool with being treated like sh*t.
But that’s the thing with double lives, the cheater KNOWS they’re devaluing you and then degrades you further with the idea that you’re an idiot for not knowing, so you must be okay with it. Green light.
Until that day of discovery, when you’re absolutely NOT okay with it.
Do you think this is genuine cluelessness or aggressive gaslighting? Are they projecting how they HOPE you’d react? (With zero consequences.) Or do they think this moronic I Fail To Understand Your Hostility mindf*ck is going to work?
You know that if anyone so much as swindled ten cents from them they’d be livid, yet they imagine chumps should be chill about clandestine escort habits.
The mind wobbles.
So, the Friday Challenge is to tell CN what stupid thing your cheater said about how you should’ve reacted to their betrayals.
TGIF!
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Perhaps the craziest and stupidest thing my EH said just before the divorce was final –“All you had to do was stand by me while I dated publicly and this particular affair would have run its course and I would have come home.”
That’s all? You didn’t need to bake them a cake or throw them a party? /s
Sounds like an admission that he isn’t capable of any deeper attachment.
Edit: Also, I wonder whether he told the OW the same thing (“We won’t last and I’m going to return to my wife soon or later”). Probably not.
Although…it might have been interesting to convey that information to the side piece. Yes, I know, better not to.
And then what? Their skewed logic dictates that if you shut your mouth for this one, you’ll shut your mouth for the ones that will come after. I absolutely applaud you for not wanting to live like that.
Mine pretty much said the same thing, like filing for divorce was an over reaction. HAH.
Wow. And you gave HIM up? That prince?
Awwww#worththewait.
Must have been a politician…..thats what they expect.
OMG mine WAS a state senator when it happened 🤣. He was termed out of the senate during the divorce and didn’t want to run for (and he was anointed) Secretary of State, because he didn’t want the details of our divorce to get out. Republican, so-called “wholesome” cowboy of the people. Well he just ran in a primary for Congress and was the favorite, and a Manchurian candidate came up here and beat him by a landslide. It was shocking, it seemed like it was his race for the taking bc I’d curated his image for 20 thankless years and the public believed it but his opponent wiped the floor with him. Honestly, as awful as he was to me I did have schadenfreude. He was so arrogant and self-important. Indeed, the dildo of karma rarely arrives lubed 🤣
HA! Leading to the much-loved British saying, “They don’t like it up them, do they?” Yes, it means exactly what it sounds like.
I’m glad you’re divorced and glad he lost. Congratulations.
“The dildo of karma…” 🤣☠️😮🤣☠️I’m dying.
😄
Unless they’re like my political FW XW, charmee2000. When I stopped being the husband appliance I had been for over twenty years by burning out in a lucrative job that she felt also gave her proper status (I.e., pharmacist’s wife. I had no idea I was so full of status!😂), that was it!
Oh, and having the temerity to ask her to scale back her local politician activities a bit to spend more time with the family and me. Well, anyone (besides me and the kids) could see I HAD to go.🙄
I do wonder in this case, given
what braincramped said her XH said to her, what his response (and FW’s like him and my FW XW) would have been if the situation proposed were flipped, maybe like this:
Honey, if only you could have stood by and stayed true to our monogamous agreement publicly for a little while longer. I’m sure I would have lost my moral and ethical mind/way at some point, and either seen the light of the open marriage you obviously want, or f*cked around on you and been discovered by you, and you could have had revenge sex or a revenge affair, to balance the scales in your eyes!
He/they probably wouldn’t even go for that awful proposal, because it’s not on HIS/THEIR terms. Effin’ wackjobs.🤬
We need to always remind ourselves how lucky we are to have discovered just how unworthy of us they are. We are Neo from The Matrix when it comes to them now. Bullet dodged.😁
“...this particular affair…”???? Does that mean that this one is one of multiples? And how could she “stand” by him if he’s not there? Sounds like he got off on thinking he could humiliate you whenever he wanted, and you’d take it with a smile. You unloaded a real loser.
Serial cheater who grew tired of sneaking and hiding in hotel rooms. He wanted to go public with this woman who I believe gave him an ultimatum. He begged to stay married while he lived out this lifestyle. I hope his new life brings him lots of happiness.Being FW free has brought me nothing but joy.
Exactly what mine wanted! To play at being married but have the excitement of his new true LUV. Totally delusional.
Mine too! He figured we could stay married and he could keep the girlfriends.
Where do they get these crazy ideas?
Oh my God, I’m so happy to see this not because somebody else went through this craziness, but to know the nonsense that was spewing out of my cheaters mouth wasn’t unique.
After finding out about my spouses double life, I’m feeling my world turned upside down. What kept me even more confused was the insanity just daily spewing out of that pie hole.
I’ve shared before I didn’t react with anger, which I’ve always felt weird about after reading so many other people stories. Instead I was kind of shell, shocked, and numb and just crushed with sadness for months.
At one point, my cheater actually said this would be a lot easier if I was angry. Talk about some crazy talk. I didn’t understand it at the time and didn’t asked what the hell it meant.
I came to find out exactly what it meant when near the end before I divorced her and frustration and anger were coming out at the circles and more lies and more deception. Because I saw how easily these types of people can stir up the situation and control you even more when you get angry at them.
My fuckwit also said some other crazy talk.
Just out of the blue one time when we were having dinner, she blurted out “you knew.” it was surreal and crazy making.
There was also another time we were having a discussion and it almost seemed like she was convincing me to allow her to continue and almost testing my resolve if I would be OK with that.
There are also some sparks, possibly of honesty where she said she doesn’t know she could ever trust herself, she could never be fully honest with me, and all this while pledging how I’m the love of her life and forever Valentine.
The crazy making that these people can do is just off the charts.
Mine also said I was his forever Valentine. I just looked at him like he was insane. Forever Valentines don’t have double lives, cheat on a decades long marriage and destroy the family.
Reminds me of a “bad parody” I penned for another member of CN. To the tune of Madonna’s Borderline…
Something in my childhood froze me at about age three
And left me an oversized squalling,cheating she-baby
I want a daddy not a mate
I can’t individuate
My need for kibble knows no bounds
But then I suffocate!
Come closer, go away!
The cycle of abuse goes round
I’ll always shift the fault
I’m a toddler, not adult
And that’s all I’ll ever be
Borderline
Look it up in the DSM-5
And welcome to the hellscape
Of my disordered mind
Borderline
My cheating can’t be modified
I’ll be splitting and blameshifting
Until the end of time
On my dday, FW walked out, said he didn’t love me and that he was in love with AP and he moved into her house within the hour. I proceeded to have a breakdown and that night called him desperately and he called the police on me and had me taken into custody “for my safety.” That’s when I broke out of the fog and realized I had to get free of this pr**. The next morning, FW emailed me a funny article about the Chicago Cubs and how they make rookies get them Starbucks coffees across the street. When I replied “Why are you sending me this?” He replied “I thought we’d still be friends.”
During our separation, FW yelled at me over the phone one night that he never wanted to speak to me again and to not ever contact him. The next day he sent several “hey, how are you doing?” texts with similar banal nonsense like you mention. He was unhappy I wasn’t being friendlier and replying to his texts. I was flabbergasted.
Delulu.
My last phone conversation with Jackass: “Well, I guess this is the end of a 30-year friendship.”
As if I hadn’t figure out he wasn’t and isn’t my friend.
Yes, FW started getting chatty a year through the divorce. Threatening financially one minute, then trying to make small talk the next. He said ‘where are you moving to?’ I told him none of hus business. He said ‘I was just trying to be friendly.’ I told him we are NOT friends. He said with a completely straight face ‘well, I hope we can be again one day.’ 🤣🤣😂 yeah, I bet you do buddy.
Okay, so HR is reviewing my workplace affair but you weren’t giving me what I needed at home, so I had no other choice!!!!! Now if you meet my needs from now on, I’ll stay
I filed.
Ex Mrs LFTT went apesh*t when I had her served with Divorce papers ….. apparently it had knocked her plan to Divorce me “because she was the victim in all of this” off the rails
LFTT
FW asked for a divorce, we separated. Then he sat on his a$$ for three years and never filed anything. When I finally got an attorney (for custody, etc.) he was angry (but also got an attorney). I decided eventually that I was tired of living in limbo and put together my divorce petition with my lawyer. She asked FW’s attorney if he could accept service on his client’s behalf. I guess the attorney told FW we were preparing to file, so FW RUSHED to file first. I think because like you said, it would ruin his narrative that I was the horrible one if I divorced HIM.
I laughed and opened a bottle of champagne. He saved me the filing fee.
ISawTheLight,
I’m glad that I filed first and, while there were costs involved, it put me in the driving seat, which was very much what I wanted. It was worth every penny and then some.
The fact that I mysteriously got promoted at work three or so weeks after the divorce was finalised (and it was a clean break, so she didn’t benefit at all) was the cherry on top!
LFTT
Oh, I wanted to file first. I had my petition put together and everything. He rushed to beat me to it. However, he wrote the most insane (12-page long!) petition that pretty much laid out his whole “case” and gave me a good idea of what his tactics would be (and what lies – basically the entire thing – I’d need evidence to contradict). My lawyer had never seen anything like it. She said that him going first at the trial would be a good thing since we would know what we needed to cover. But we never got to trial (FW died).
He said many cruel things but this was memorable: ‘One day all of this will be old news and everyone will move on. Even you.’
He was right. I’m not living my best life apart from clearing up the financial mess I was left in. But truthfully I’d rather have a financial mess to clear up than that sad excuse of an integrity bypass! He’s all hers now. Lol. Be careful what you wish for I guess.
*now living my best life
Lots of surprise that I was totally devastated for so long (23 years at DDay#1, wreckonciliation for another eight years…when he did it again, with a new AP.)
But the best was his cheater and multiple AP older sister.
AFTER the next affair started – and she met the exit AP – “Why’s she so upset, it was just the one.”
Spoiler, it wasn’t, but he never admitted to any others. And “just the one” was an 18 month long affair conducted mostly in my homes, with my so-called friend, who even came on family holidays with us at times. I was clueless. Played for a total fool.
My ex said he thought I’d be best friends with his AP, and pictured us sitting on the front porch, in full view of the neighbors, to admire his physique as he mowed the lawn.
As a professional, I earned national acclaim in a very public field, and I don’t wear makeup. Her emails were barely literate, and he admitted that he knew she was stupid and he liked it, because she’d never question him. He emailed that he loved her natural look with no makeup, in response to a photo where she not only was more painted up than a circus clown, she also wore fake lashes so furry they looked like caterpillars and had painted fake eyebrows in the middle of her forehead. I don’t think his eyes made it to her face–I think they got stuck at either her hand in her crotch or her hyper-inflated breasts that looked as artificial and misplaced as her eyebrows.
Apparently he though our mutual adoration of him would be enough to bring us together as besties. Admiring his physique as he mowed was equally ridiculous. We’d had a lawn service for years, an expense I justified because it spared me from embarrassment when he insisted on mowing shirtless—the only way he’d mow–with his big fat belly shaking like jelly beneath his scrawny chest.
That was a fantasy, and so was the “love of his life.” He was taken in by an online romance scam, and after their single sixty second phone call, he emailed that he didn’t understand a word, and she sounded like man.
I feel slightly nauseous at the word picture describing “big fat belly, shaking like jelly beneath his scrawny chest” lol
I didn’t realize I had to put my name in the box. This is Goodfriend.
It took me a minute to figure out what that new login was about as well.
Mine was very surprised I wasn’t cool with it – one of the many stupid things he said was “all of the artists you admire were unfaithful to their partners” – so, I should accept being cheated on after 28 years of marriage because Pablo Picasso was an asshole?
Well, yeah, because see, he’s special like a world famous artist. (/s)
“I can’t believe you would throw away a 35 year marriage without even going to marriage counseling!”
This was after 25 years of begging him to get help for his issues, begging him to stop abusing me (I did not know at the time what he was doing was abuse), begging him to talk to me (he went silent on me, refusing to communicate or connect, begging him to work with me on the marriage, etc.) This was after my D-day, where I discovered his secret sexual basement, emotional and sexual abuse of myself, and massive financial abuse (secret debt). And this was after D-day, when he completely denied my discovery, refused to admit reality (of which I had proof), gaslighting me to hell, making me also crazy with cognitive confusion, which layered on top of my heartbreak and grief and shame. Yeah. As he wanted everyone to think of him, “What a great guy!”
There is also a huge “Jesus cheater” angle to my story. He also said loads of crap using Christian bullshit talk, weaponizing my faith against me and attempting to shame me with tons of bible verses, holding my “obligation” over my head as a wife. Fucque that! I’m quite deconstructed now, and anyone who tries inquisition crap on me as to exactly what I’ve kept and what I’ve tossed in the trash (about christianity), can go fucque off. None of your business.
“Secret sexual basement” and “Jesus cheater” is a horrIfic combination.
“…inquisition crap on me…” Love this phrase!
I think they think we’re like video game NPCs (non-player characters). The FW figures we’re all just there to advance their story, and when we don’t react like we “should,” it messes with their gameplay. The FW traded me in like I was Lydia from Skyrim, for you Elder Scrollers out there.
And it still cracks me up to remember: About a week after D-day, we both had to be in person at the bank to get HIS name off of MY business account 🙄 and I mentioned in passing that I had an appointment with an attorney on Monday. His face got so offended 🤣 I’m a court reporter, dip$hit! Did you honestly think we’d have a DIY divorce like your first marriage?? Of course he thought that. Because we’re NPCs.
I once heard it described as FW thinks his life is a movie and he’s the star, and everyone else is the supporting cast. If one actor isn’t following the script or on board with the artistic vision, or is making trouble … they get recast. It’s like soap operas where they sub in a new actor and the show continues without missing a beat. No one ever mentions that the new person has a different hair color or is taller. They are playing the same role.
There were times in our marriage when he would get extremely upset that I didn’t do or say what he thought I should/wanted me to, or I didn’t have the right reaction to something (“you don’t seem excited” – just because I didn’t jump up and down and scream or whatever). I used to beg him to please tell me what he wanted me to do/say to show that I did feel those things because clearly my natural way of behaving wasn’t communicating my feelings to him. I actually said “just give me the script”, because it felt like he had a script in his mind and would get angry when I didn’t follow it, but I never had a script to follow.
FW was a filmmaker, which makes this a particularly apt metaphor.
So my role as “wife” got recast with AP. FW’s life continued with barely a hitch. He even influenced AP to change her look entirely so she resembled…me (or she did it herself out of insecurity, I don’t know – but it was uncanny, and obvious enough that other people started remarking on it).
He also replaced his entire friend group every five years or so, once people started getting frustrated with how he treated them. I was with him long enough that I saw this happen at least three times.
I think you’ve got it exactly. They’re narcissists, so everybody else is an NPC.
I likened it to cheater thought of me and OW as colorforms on the fabulous board that is his magnificent life. 🙄 Of course, we’d also be besties b/c of our mutual appreciation of how splendid he is. 🤮
100% — I think this is exactly it. They have absolutely zero ability to empathize, or insight into the feelings or inner lives of anyone else. FW was mystified and outraged at all of his friends and family who didn’t also immediately discard me, with whom they’d spent 10 years building a relationship, for the AP. Like absolutely could NOT understand that normal people don’t just discard other people with whom they have relationships.
THIS ONE IS A CLEAR UPGRADE. Why are you all being so unreasonable?!
Because, dear FW, non-disordered people don’t regard individual women as just indistinguishable members of a collective of interchangeable holes.
I remember feeling, after about ten years of “mirage”, that if anyone ever made a movie of my life that I would be cast as a supporting actress. FW would star in the movie about my life.
A dozen D-Days, blame shifting and multiple secret ‘friendships’ but “I never wanted to be divorced!”.
When I discovered my husband‘s habit of visiting prostitutes during his lunch break for years, I was pretty pissed off. I kicked him out and told everyone exactly why. He said “You’re telling everyone our personal business and now this whole thing is snowballing!!! This should’ve been a private matter between us!!!!” WHAT? I said “No, this should not have been ANY matter!” So, yeah, I guess in his mind I truly was the one at fault. (((Shrug))))
Your story to tell if you chose to do so.
I remember being shamed by him because I posted a music video from a popular son back then about breakups when we were on and off again. He was so mad at me and demanded I take it down because people started asking if I was ok and he didn’t want people in our business.
I do think (in hindsight) he was surprised that I didn’t call him or beg him. Make no mistake I was devastated, as I adored this guy. But, once he walked out the door, I never called him (aside from a couple necessary D calls). I never called her either, rarely ever gave her a thought.
Then about 4ish months after he left, he came by; I mistakenly let him in. He said town bike (TB) was getting calls and he was insinuating I was the caller. I shoved that notion right down his ugly throat. I never once made a call to that TB. He quickly left the house his tail tucked between his legs.
I didn’t think of it in real time (I just assumed it was someone else); but after years of finding out more about the pathos of cheaters, I wonder if he was pissed I didn’t chase after him, or show jealousy of the TB, so he/she invented it to create drama. The only other thing it could be is that it was his mother, as she hated TB. That never occurred to me either. I wish it had, as I think in real time if it had been her, she would have admitted it.
There was always lies and BS coming out of my EXFW#2’s pothole mouth. Total confabulations even, like they one where he told me that he thought multiple times of stopping but had to continue to see her since he thought she was going to blackmail him and telling me. There was zero evidence of this on his phone. I saw an entire month’s worth of texts between them and there was nothing but lovey dovey talk and heart/kiss emoji’s, etc.
The real crazy one was when a therapist, that I stopped seeing the minute she was done with the neruofeedback she was also doing, said, “maybe he thought you would be okay with it?” I said empathically, “he would not have hidden it then. He damn well knew I would not be, hence all the lies, sneaking around and deception”. She just shrugged. Crazy B*tch.
ExFW pulled the if you leave me, I’ll k*ll myself schtick multiple times; those really bothered me. When I kicked him out for good, he was recovering from an at-fault motorcycle accident, and I was in school working 2-3 jobs. In school part-time, taking care of a preschooler, I didn’t fall for it. I kicked him out and tried to co-parent; he genuinely did not understand why I wouldn’t let him do birthday parties and holidays and stuff together and still expected me to explain away and do the heavy lifting for him. Still, he couldn’t comprehend why I wouldn’t go to a bail hearing or whatever to support him “emotionally” after having been arrested for endangering our kid.
Iirc ExFW was diagnosed bipolar when we were in HS, and when he turned 18 he stopped taking his meds. I didn’t think much of it, tried not to judge, and never used it against him when we were arguing. But he liked to say I had too many mood swings when I was trying to talk sense into him.
I kept the final several months of texts from him right before I filed restraining orders. I hadn’t looked at them in years but figured I needed them for upcoming court stuff.
The whiplash I got from trying to follow his arguments, where he would go from one extreme to the next, was really jarring to see. Dude was arrested for drug trafficking her*in right before a supervised visit with my preschooler at his dad’s place ( his dad is also now a registered sex offender). When I originally found out he blamed me for moving on and begin dating my now husband for his actions and said all he wanted was a hug from me again which somehow turned into me justifying my healthy life choices and that somehow turned into him making the false equivalency of it being just as bad because I took an iron supplement (for anemia which was always stored it safely and securely out of reach) that was just as dangerous as ya know f-ing heroin…
Another one I saw in the text messages I kept was how he within probably a 30 minute period demanded I leave work to take him to rehab several hours away or he wasn’t going to go then he blew up my phone and when I offered someone else take him he went on an abusive diatribe about why that was a horrible idea only I could help him and only if I dropped everything right then
The worst one though was the final one where he teetered violently between demanding I get back together with him and to be a family again and then flipping to the exact opposite of telling me he wanted to sign off his parental rights so my now husband could adopt my eldest and then he flipped again when I asked if he was serious then thought that meant he would still get unsupervised visitation and thought that still meant co-parenting. Then I explained a step-parent adoption and the steps, and I asked if he was serious and why, and he had a moment of clarity/ charm, saying I was a better parent than him and how he would only F up our kid, and it was the right thing to do. Then shortly after saying that, he accused me of ruining his life, and he just rapidly flipped through the rage and self-pity channels until I told him that this was going nowhere and we can talk about our kid through lawyers moving forward; then I blocked him.
I’ve said it before, but the context is important for why these examples of betrayal really bother me; my eldest child was conceived non consensually when I was trying to break up with ExFW. He took my phone, my keys, and blocked me from leaving. My family wanted me to stay with ExFW through all of it, and their forgiveness-trolling betrayal or their minimalism of cruelty normalization of abandonment and is a separate thing altogether
She had it all worked out.
She would keep the house and I would get a little condo 40 miles away close to my job. I could see our sons on weekends. We would still be friends. It’s for the best.
But then I ruined everything by my reaction to discovering her affair and later discovering at least one other. Her response was a deflection, “You knew about this the whole time and didn’t care!” The cognitive dissonace of Jesus Cheater had to find a way to somehow excuse her behavior.
“I thought you’d be happy for me”
That he had found his soulmate and had an affair with her for two years when I found out. We’d been married for 15 years and had a 2 year old and 6 year old at the time. I also got crazy things like
“I feel like I finally have what I deserve. I feel like a king”
“I think you’d really like her. We could all go on ski trips together and bring the kids (hers and ours)”
And of course the line probably from Perel:
“Affairs make marriages stronger “ (he sent me like three articles about this one)
So glad to be out of that circus (except for painful “co-parenting”)
When he told me he had fallen in love with his soulmate cohoworker, he actually and truly wanted me to be proud of him, and I’m not even kidding. He was so effing delusional that he thought I should be happy about it (he really did) and he immediately put me in the position of being an old friend or a distant relative so he could carry on with his special new LUV. He said she and her EXhusband were totally cool about it, asked me if I knew about polyamory (no I did not). What he didn’t know is that she was still married (she lied of course) but apparently her spouse really didn’t care. They didn’t even live together most of the time. But after having been married for nearly 30 yrs in what I thought was a monogamous and loving relationship, this behavior came as a complete shock. He reallyreally thought there would be no consequences and he could happily play at staying married and even bring his new soulmate to visit at our house cos “you’d like her.” He was wrong. Being relegated to being treated like an elderly aunt and being replaced was not the plot twist I ever expected. I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to get a lawyer, file for divorce, and go no contact. You don’t need another conversation of gaslighting and lies for closure, their actions speak for them.
Why do they always say we’d like them? What kind of insanity is that??
I really don’t think they recognize other humans as individuals.
I remember the trauma of watching our then-joint account deplete as he took AP to all of “our” favorite places.
Like “the old hole liked this, so the new hole will also”. And the “you’re so alike!” Like… fucking what?
I think they don’t see themselves as actual people, so of course couldn’t see others as people. Like they are just an empty husk, so they sort of adopt your personality. XH claimed some of my favorite things, and religion as his own, even down to the lapsed part. When I left, he turned into Ow. Now he is married to Child Bride ™️. He didn’t want kids in his 30s. Now they are trying IVF. First time dad pushing 60. 🙄 Apparently a completely different religion as well. I have no doubt he’ll be a radically different version when he cheats on CB. There’s just no there there.
Seems to be true of many FWs from comments I’ve read on this site.
Twatface suggested all three of us go out for dinner together to show I was alright with everything AND it would stop everyone talking about them. I told him to f…k off and that he wasn’t interesting enough for everyone to be talking about him for longer than 30 seconds!
I left the house howling like a wounded dog after I found about my ex wife’s affair. I had no details, only a confession. It was 2AM, I got in the car and started driving with no idea where I was going. I ended up at my former MIL’s house. You see, she was a chump too. My FIL whom she had separated from cheated on her with at least seven women over the course of 30 years. Anyways, I pounded on her door like a madman until she opened. She was as shocked as I was. She calmly explained to me that I was in shock and that this wasn’t my fault. Then I checked my phone for the first time since I left my house, my ex, who was tracking my location, texted me “I wanted to tell her, ChumplyChampion.” Really? Like really? You could have told her at any time.. you could have told me any time! A more honest text from her would have read “I wanted to control the narrative my mother hears, ChumplyChampion.”
Amongst other things, but specifically about my reaction on DDay, FW said:
“What’s your problem? (I was crying) Don’t you think you’ll find someone else?”
To which I replied “I’m not even thinking about that !?”
And the ol’ “Everyone will be happy because I’m happy”.
Boy, that reveals just how shallow he (and his kind) are. He this your grief is not the loss of a marriage and all that entails but about finding someone else, even before you’ve had a chance to figure out what to do next. Just ugh.
The old FW “rules for thee but not for me” oh so many examples of this.
Screaming about how I wasn’t moving on with our faux reconciliation, if I asked any questions as DDay 2,3,4,5 hit. As if I was the one wrecking our marriage! Ultimate blameshifting
Just like all of us here I have a cornucopia of stupid shite cheaters say:
A couple of days after D-Day he said “I will ask her over for pizza this Friday. We can all watch a movie together.” Well, I can ask the county sheriff over on Friday night and have anyone not listed on the property title forcibly ejected from my home. Your move arse wipe.
After me complaining that D-Day was one month before a very long planned bariatric surgery and I couldn’t deal with anything else right now: “I told you I was seeing another woman and all you can think about is yourself.”
And the winner is…. drumroll…. “You are cold, cruel, and heartless. I will miss you.” Oh really?? You are cold, cruel and heartless. I am freeeee!
STBXW told me the day after DDay that “even though it’s out, it doesn’t mean Schmoopie and I are going to stop.” Then when I tried to ask further questions, she said she refused to answer unless there was a couples counselor on the room. When I pointed out most counselors won’t do a joint session with an open affair, she elected to “do her own therapy,” which somehow didn’t involve scheduling a visit with a therapist…
So the day after that, I retained a divorce lawyer.
When she finally found out weeks later, she was livid and blamed ME for a “lack of communication.”
Additionally, in a later confrontation, she accused “You’re just angry that you’re not in control anymore!” As if anyone who’s been cheated on ever had any illusion of having control over the situation…
So nothing too absurd, mostly just naked hypocrisy.
Sounds familiar.
My cheating FW ex-wife was genuinely surprised and disappointed that I “didn’t fight for this marriage.” She thought I wasn’t trying hard enough to forgive her and save our “beautiful marriage.” These people are delusional beyond compare.
Now, after the divorce, she’s flabbergasted that we can’t be friends (“for the sake of the children,” you see). She says she genuinely can’t understand my coldness and nonchalance.
Actually it’s your newfound wisdom and peace. She thought you would be a fool forever.
What I got was « I was hoping you would forgive me ». Forgive you for what? « Forgive ME». For whatever he did that he wouldn’t admit to. Evidence said this was a 5+ year hooker habit.
I also got: « I never gave up on our marriage » (35 years). « You know this is your fault ». « I didn’t have an affair ». « I didn’t fall in love with anyone ». « I want only you ».
This was 3 years ago. Now happily divorced 1 year. No contact and not listening to any more nonsense.
I realize now this was a kind of DARVO– “It’s not what I did; it’s your reaction.” After D-day one, I had my pride and walked away. No contact, refused calls and messages. If only I had maintained that wall! But after 3 months we finally had the angry converstion we chould have had in December…
And this FWIT has the nerve to say, “Why didn’t you FIGHT for me?”
That was…unexpected. But I’ve found out from coming here it’s realitvel common.
Wish I could say it ended there, but NO! Chumpy Cleo went back for an 8-month-long WRECKonciliation that ended with Mr Figh-for-Me dumping ME.
Take note, newbie chumps. Don’t give that second chance– in the Land of Meh, it’s always Tuesday!
No one should have to “fight for” a marriage. Both people are either in it or the one who isn’t a cheating jackass should leave.
On D-Day proper, I got “I never planned or wanted to fall for somebody else and he never wanted to get in the way of us.” And she was gobsmacked when I challenged both of those with “but you encouraged it.” She tried to couch the rest of it as “but we’d grown apart.” It was presented as the rational conclusion to things…nevermind all of the gaslighting and lies in the lead-up.
In the week we still lived together it was presented as “I betrayed you because I wasn’t happy anymore.” Again, cold, rational, why wasn’t I getting with the program? No response when I called her on the lies.
And of course that was only about one of the “men” she betrayed me for. It came out in the wash that there were others.
Traitors, I tell ya.
Have a F-Wit Free Friday!
This isn’t really a stupid thing but a remark that revealed much that I came to understand later. Jackass went to a funeral home visitation for his high school buddy. The visitation started at 7 and he told me he would call after he left. Now, a normal person, even a close friend, might stay an hour, pay respects to the mother and the siblings, and go home. Even if he stayed the whole time, it was over at 9 pm. It was nearly 10:30 when he called, and all he could talk about was Buddy’s sisters, especially one in particular. And he said this weird thing: “The three sisters were all together and I wondered where the husbands were.”
Well, Jackass, maybe at home with the kids? Maybe in another part of the funeral home since you don’t know those men from a Jurassic dinosaur? But what I understood by that sentence was that he went to a funeral visitation looking to see if he could start an affair with the middle sister, who had a crush on him when she was a kid and he was in high school. Where was the husband, indeed? If he had been at MOW’s elbow at that point, maybe he wouldn’t have made his move. Turned out that she had written to him before the visitation and later visited him at his mother’s home, where he was living while she was recovering from a heart attack.
Oh man… maybe not perfectly topic-aligned, but I’ve got a memorable bit of incomprehensible FW delusion to share:
We were visiting FW’s dad (in prison) during the early days after DDay when I was still in shock and trying to preserve stability for our 4 and 6 year olds by playing nice with FW (for any new chumps, this is a fool’s errand: they treat you however they feel like treating you — how you treat them is irrelevant, so I recommend minimum contact if no contact isn’t an option)
I somehow intuited that the AP was pregnant during the conversation with his dad, and stewed about it until we were in the drive through for coffee for the drive home. He was sitting behind me in the mini-van so I could stare him down in the rear-view mirror. I asked if she was knocked up. He went “what? I don’t know…” and I held furious indirect eye contact and he buckled and admitted that she was.
He then goes “but that doesn’t change anything. Can I buy your coffee? You know, to make up for it.”
Cause “I impregnated my mistress but a $2 coffee should square us” is a totally sane take. lol.
Dang!! That’s crazy!
After my ExH left, I called him to try and see what he was thinking about our relationship because he hadn’t been clear at all when he left. I remember asking him, “So you are willing to throw away a 30 year marriage because you don’t want to do house projects? ” He said, “I haven’t thrown anything away.” And then paused and said “Yet.”
It occurred to me that he wanted me to just wait. Wait until he could see if his new relationship would work out (which he didn’t know that I knew about). Wait to see if he could financially support himself on his own. Wait until he could see if he liked his new single life. THEN he could cut me loose.
HE hadn’t DECIDED whether the marriage was over YET. In his mind, he was allowed to sign a year long lease to live somewhere else, date another woman, and tell her that he loves her BUT I was to WAIT. “Not Yet,” he says.
My FW said, “You’re not being very French about this.”
Pas possible.
And let’s talk about all the hoovering since then: flowers, iPhone, invites for dinners and trips, notes to our adult kids about how I made everything special.
Not.Going.To.Work.
C’est un enfoiré. Like, bigtime.
I think it’s out and out lying. They aren’t surprised. If they didn’t think you would be devastated, why did they hide it? Of course they knew. This is just about them trying to pretend they didn’t think what they were doing would hurt you. They knew it would hurt you deeply and either that was a bug they didn’t care about or a feature they enjoyed imagining.
Remember also that they are all narcissistic to some degree (whether as a personality trait or a disorder) so naturally they would think their partner would be destroyed by losing their “love.”
“They knew it would hurt you deeply and either that was a bug they didn’t care about or a feature they enjoyed imagining.” One hundred percent, and my guess is the latter is in the majority.
My ex-husband tried to pretend like his months-long affair with a coworker was justified, nay, encouraged by me because….I listened to the Savage Love podcast.
Why yes, because I regularly consumed content that encourages “ethical non-monogamy”, I must be into it. (Dan Savage, at least at that time, was super into the work of Esther Perel. I’m pretty sure I never touched his podcast again out of pure disgust.) As if cheating on me, possibly while I was pregnant, blowing up our family, abandoning his 3 kids, was in any way “ethical.”
Meanwhile, this disgusting piece of work, my ex, had a kink that I only heard Dan Savage address once in the whole time I listened to his podcast. It was that esoteric and weird. FW admitted to doing this to himself at work, and now looking back through the long lens of time, realize that she was probably doing it to him and encouraging it. I spent many years blaming myself for “kink shaming” him, thinking that if I had just been more open and accepting that maybe he’d have stayed. I definitely don’t think that anymore, and hopefully she’s enjoying still having to act out his kink on him, lo these 12 years later.
I admit to be curious what the kink is, but the answer is probably disgusting so it’s best we not know.
His excuse for supposedly thinking you wouldn’t mind is exceptionally lame and ludicrous, and I have no doubt he was lying. He did not believe that.
It was “sounding.”
I’m sure if my current husband came to me and said “I have to tell you about my kink” and told me that he wanted to do sounding, and everything else in our relationship was fine, I wouldn’t be disgusted. But since my ex is a disgusting person, and I want nothing to do with his penis other than the lovely children he gave me, I find the kink disgusting.
With great love and respect, and please forgive me if I am projecting my own trauma bond onto your comment—
But I just want to mention what appears to me like a hidden apology in how you opened this, as being not a complaint about just “a little out of town kissyface”.
I’m standing up for anyone who wants and deserves better than that. You deserve much better than that. (Unless you really are perfectly comfortable with a little out of town hanky panky.).
If your marriage vows and stated expectations were anything like mine, that is, for physical and emotional monogamy that enriches your relationship and allows it to grow, cherishing each other’s well being and feeling of being loved, and maintaining clear unambiguity with the outside world (who might want to sleep with you) about who is the one person you romantically love— if your understanding and sacred promise between each other featured any of those qualities, then a little out of town kissyface is itself a DEEP BETRAYAL.
And of course that’s not to even mention the horrible level of betrayal that your husband took it to. But I just need to say that clearly on behalf of anyone who needs to hear it. And again my apologies, if you are more secure in relationships than I am, and are truly comfortable with outside flirting when you’re not looking.
But just in case the actual situation is more like you are so traumatized that you have lowered your true standards, I just need to say loud and clear that you do deserve a lover who cherishes you day and night even when they go out of town.
Don’t let anybody tell you that is expecting too much. It’s actually probably what you gave all these years. And me too.
((((Hugs!!!!))))))
My FW started with “stop crying the neighbours will hear you” and then moved onto “what did you think I was doing when I was out all those nights?” And then finally he moved onto “this was all your fault- if you’d just be open to me having a girlfriend we would still be married.” The mind boggles…
The FW XW and her AP were absolutely counting on me to follow their script, which they obviously did some work on, as the FW XW quickly had both a financial separation plan ready to go and her AP wanted me not to contact his wife before the weekend when he would tell her himself (he claimed) what he’d been doing with my wife for the last few months (or couple of years. Who knows?).
Sad to say at the beginning I did, because I was completely in a state of shock, which I bet many chumps have experienced.
Then the rage would hit me. And I’d start fighting back, in various ways. The one which she disliked the most (beyond the general resistance to following their script I was starting to enact), I think, was when she announced that she was getting her stoner electrician friend, who had been working on our downsize house for months, to help her move her dresser (that had been purchased from my work salary) from our bedroom.
It hit me yet again at that point that this was REALLY happening, after almost 25 years of marriage, and almost 30 years together. After raising three kids together. After all we’d been through. That it appeared it didn’t matter at all to her. I was a disposable spouse/partner. That that’s how she viewed all her romantic relationships.
They were good to her and for her, until they weren’t. Then it was search for a new mark/sugar daddy who would do what she currently wanted. Until that changed.
She hadn’t been wearing her wedding and engagement rings for years. When asked about it, she said they no longer fit after her last pregnancy (our son), needed to be resized, or better yet, replaced with equally or more expensive new ones!🤬🤢🤮
I had accepted her claim about them not fitting her for years. I shouldn’t have. It turns out this was her cryptic way of trying to tell me she was still angry at me for getting her pregnant with our son, our last child.
Stupid me. Even after years of noticing she couldn’t be honest with me on many little things, I continued to trust her. Because, in my pre-chump brain, I foolishly continued to think that she was like me. That if she was actually upset with me about something, she would actually state that openly to me. Like I would with her, and had over the years.
Honestly, her engagement and wedding rings didn’t mean much to me, except for the symbol they presented to the world that we were taken exclusively with each other, and no one else. So long as that didn’t change, it didn’t matter to me if she wore them.
I think I even took my wedding ring off when she started discarding me. She was cold and abusive in her manner towards me as D-day approached the last two to four years of our marriage. And though I was depressed after leaving my profession and not knowing how to support the family anymore, I would get angry at her, take my wedding ring off to show my anger.
Yeah, it was stupid. Because I still loved her, and was completely true to her. Despite the discarding sh*t she was now throwing at me, that was confusing the f*ck out of me in my fog of depression, and p*ssing me off at the same time. Because I didn’t understand what exactly was going on, but it felt WRONG, and abusive.
So I continued to stumble and bumble my way through the end of our marriage. I just didn’t know it was the end. She did. She was orchestrating it.
So when she announced that after exit-affairing me, and literally moving in a half mile down the street into a brand new luxury apartment complex our village then and city now had just created with her awful, soon-to-be former, married, rich, older boss she was coming back to take her dresser with her friend, it was yet another shock to my system.
So, I started to look over the dresser she was going to take, and all the sh*t still left on it in our former bedroom, now MY bedroom alone. And I noticed, she had left her jewelry box on top of it. Because, I’m sure, in her and her AP’s mind, what was easygoing, dependable, accepting because he was in total shock ME going to do to upset their march towards sexual/relationship freedom and exuberance?!
She’d left her wedding ring and engagement rings behind, in her jewelry box. And I thought, well, she didn’t care about them before, so she’s not deserving of them now. And I took them.
I waited for her to notice. I think I gave her a week or so before I figured I should clue her in. She still wanted to talk to me to tell me how wonderful her new life with her new man was, and berate me for not being perfect as a husband and a father.
So, while she was talking about something I could care less about at that point, I said I noticed she got her dresser ok. And was she sure she had gotten everything related to it, or something like that? My tone must have alerted her.
“What did you take or do?”, she said, furious. Oh, nothing you cared about, I think I said. Just your wedding and engagement rings. Since you didn’t care to honor them, I don’t feel you’re entitled to them anymore.
She got royally p*ssed, and started talking about them being gifts to her, and I said something about them being gifts predicated on the idea that she was faithful to me and our family, and she’d obviously blown that idea right out of the water with her actions. Plus, I think I said, you obviously didn’t care about them for years, since you refused to wear them, so I fail to see why you should care about them.
That gave her pause. She then told me, in a much weaker voice, that she thought she’d offer them to both of our daughters, and see if either of them was interested in using them. I kid you not.
I asked her in what insane alternate universe she thought she was living, where she thought her daughters were likely to want an engagement or wedding ring that their mother had sullied by having an affair, and leaving their father for her affair partner, an ugly, arrogant (but rich!) boss, a cliche near the top of the cheating cliche pile?
She didn’t really have a good answer for that. Surprise, surprise.🙄
Mmm. I think I would have kept them but not said anything to her. And if she asked, I would have disclaimed knowledge.
BUT. If you had done that, and ever had to sit for a deposition or court proceeding where you were asked about it under oath, that wouldn’t make you look good. So it’s best you told her. It’s interesting that she didn’t demand them back in your property settlement.
But who knows what goes on in the minds of disordered freaks?
I really appreciate your sharing this. It’s galling — really galling — to have cheater a 1/2 mile down the road. I think you did the right thing by taking the rings. 🎯
Thanks, FYI. Glad you got something out of my post.😊 I’ve posted about it before, but it’s been awhile (maybe a year?😂). And yes, my FW XW and her former boss/new partner were and are completely uncaring about staying close to me, it seems.
Right now, they are in the relatively modern condo they moved into a year or so after they moved a literal half mile down the street from the home I allowed myself to be downsized into to make the FW XW happy. Now they’re only an eighth to a quarter mile away from me. Yippee.🙄
[Although I’m sure they wish I’d move away. I’d love to, if she/they hadn’t saddled me with two cats I have to take care of first. I either find a home for them where the kids and I can visit, and she can’t, or the more likely prospect, wait until they die, which will probably be in the next seven years. I’m not willing to take them to a new location with me. They are cuties, though, so either way, I will miss them.🫤
The fact that the house is not an easy one to sell at this point doesn’t help, either. That is significantly on me, though.🫤]
She insisted we stay in the village now city we live in our upper New England state to maintain her local politician status before her known affair and, as an afterthought, so the kids had minimal disruption school-wise. But her political career was the real motivator, and still is.
She’s now running for the open position of a state senator’s office in our county, which is the most populous county in our state. Makes me ill to yet again see her name out on lawn signs in our area again (she goes by her maiden name now, though she “married” her AP/former boss. She didn’t take his surname, and she shed mine, thank God).
So, yeah, I’m glad you feel I did right by keeping the rings. I have to say, I have never regretted doing that, with maybe the exception of how my kids felt about it (they seem largely to not mind it).
Her one sister, the favorite aunt, who I still keep minimal contact with (mainly for the kids’ sake), tried to convince me right after I kept the rings that I should give them back to the FW XW, because in her words, they “were a gift.”
My reply to her was they were a gift that was predicated on her sister being as faithful and loyal to me as I was to her, and that her cheating for at least several months with her then-boss, willingly and in a calculated fashion to exit-affair me, blew that idea out of the water. She didn’t have anything to counter that argument.
So, I’m wishing CL and everybody in CN, and of course that means you, FYI, a very good Sunday. I’m currently in my state today, but at a generous friend’s lakeside house that I stayed overnight in, and this morning I woke up to a beautiful sun over a glittering lake. The FW XW and her AP/partner are nowhere near me, I believe. And that is reason to be happy enough, isn’t it?😁
Thelongrun… I hope you can find a sense of peace and ultimately some happiness with your current house. Maybe having your cats there is a blessing…? Gives you time to plan and nurture your home (and yourself) to improve its saleability. (And if it annoys that unwanted politician neighbour down the road, all the better 😆). Good on you for taking care of the cats. Your kids will have noticed. May the kitties bring love, companionship, and zen to you and your home. 🙏 🐱🐾🕊
I think you did right keeping the rings too, and for the reason you gave SIL.
Conversely, I’m keeping my rings too!! I figure they were given to me, and I did nothing to deserve to have them taken from me. But also I might need the money one day given my income has dropped maybe 80%. I don’t wear them though. I did take them out to look at yesterday as I could do with more rings on my fingers (oh and bells on my toes, how fun!). My engagement ring is so pretty and sparkly… he chose well… the ring AND me!😆 It was a bit sad looking at them of course.
If you don’t need to sell them, you could have them restyled into a ring to wear on your right hand. Or a necklace.
If you do want to sell them, gold is at a high price right now.
* I guess not MY income dropped 80%, but my household income. I was SAHM with a WFH job on the side as kids got older.
Omg, FW said that it was my interpretation of his sexts to his AF that was the problem. Not too many ways to interpret dick pics…just saying. But yeah, I’m the one with the problem.
I’d say that d*ck pics speak for themselves, really.
NewlyChumped2026, I don’t often post here, as I’m now nearly 7 years out from the drama of Autumn 2019 when I was unceremoniously dumped after 26 years, only 6 weeks after my father’s death. I saw the emails from the ex’s ex girlfriend from school on the home computer about 2 months later. They were explicit, and there was no doubt about what had been going on for at least a decade. Keeping the story short, I texted the ex a week or so later, when I had got the ducks in a row, to say that I knew that he had ‘rekindled’ his relationship with the ex gf. His response was denial of course, and he kept that going throughout the divorce proceedings which I started immediately after discovering the affair. The point of this reply is that, in his text response to me, he said about my knowledge of the ‘rekindling’: ‘truth and perception are not the same thing’. Very similar to the response you received. It was my ‘perception’ of poems from her referring to ‘wanting to tell the world about our love and not give a [xxxx] who knows’ that was wrong. It reminds me of a child sticking their fingers in their ears and singing loudly to drown out a telling off from a parent: ‘if I can’t hear it, it hasn’t happened’. It can be funny when a child does that: in a mid-50s man, it is just ridiculous. He never could cope with negative feedback!
Thank you so much for your reply if only to remind that I am not crazy nor am I alone. I would hate that anyone would feel the same hurt, but I thank you for sharing your story. I truly hope you’re in a way better place now. Being newly chumped I have a ways to go with ending my relationship with FW, but I think divorcing your ex after your discovery shows incredible wisdom and fortitude. I have had a little too much hopium for my own good, but the fog is lifting little by little each day. Again, thank you for your response and I wish you well.
His minimization, “I wasn’t a very good person, back then.” So now his adult children – who are such GOOD PERSONS that they help more people in a week than most people do in a lifetime – they get to live with the STANK of having a sex addict for a parent. His delusional criminal behavior with prostitutes did enormous damage and that was his ridiculously lame excuse.
So, during a difficult conversation post D Day and while I was still in shock and attempting to process, I said to FW (who was still lying, manipulating & gas lighting) – I feel like you are mentally and emotionally torturing me. FW rolled his eyes and told me I was overreacting. Overreacting?? After 24 years of marriage, 2 children AND the financial situation as we had had just closed on a contract for a new house.
Cheater gave me a half-hearted apology, and then demanded to know what his reward was. He said, “You should be REJOICING right now because I repented! You should be giving me lots of sex and gifts to make sure I know I made the right decision.” That’s when I realized that my previous forgiveness of his terrible behavior hadn’t made him appreciate me at all. It merely led him to conclude that he would be rewarded for treating me badly.
The day after my FW (age 48) surprise called me WITH schmoopie (age 21) to profess his love for her (right after the kids and I finished dinner upon my return from couples therapy!) he said on the phone- “I didn’t expect you to have such a big reaction”. Are you kidding me?? She is 3 years older than our daughter who just graduated high school. And now his family has followed his lead. I feel like I am living in an alternate universe. Good thing he is a mental health therapist that works with teens!!!
My sister’s ex-husband became a marriage counsellor and counseled men in prison on how to be better fathers after their divorce. He’s been married 4 times (I guess he got a lot of practice?) and 2 of his 3 children don’t speak to him. He discovered at least one of them was getting married when wedding guests started posting photos and videos of the wedding online.
Noooo…..!!!! 😱
exH FW narcopath, he of the decades long hooker habit, tried to blame it all on how a colleague was flirting with me at a party decades ago.
Tracy is exactly right, these FW scream if he/she is conned out of 10 cents, but think nothing of how they con us out of decades of life, and in my case stolen 30 years and a seven figure sum. Plus disabled child born into a web of deceit used as a way to keep me from daring to leave him.
Dante’s inferno is too good for the likes of FW narcopath.
“It meant nothing.”
So… you chose to ruin a 25 year marriage for “nothing”? Cool dude.
Ha! On D-Day, when he explained that for the last 5+ years, he had led a secret double life spending gobs of money on sex workers, he said, “I know you will never leave me.”
If he did, as he said, want to stay married to me, which is a big “if;” I have no idea what is true and what false with him, nor can I figure how his mind works, then he said the worst possible thing. It was then that I realized that, of course, I would divorce him.
Then again, that day he also, when I, in shock, asked him what he wanted to do now, said that he wanted to stay married to me AND keep the hooker “girlfriends.”
Or now he and his family think that the true villains in our situation are our adult children, who cut off contact with him. You know, it isn’t what he did but how they reacted to what he did that’s the bad thing. And our kids stayed in contact with him at first after it all came out, but both soon realized that he was continuing to lie to them.
There’s just so many stupid things that he said to choose from.