The New ‘Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life’ Book Is Out Today
The Friday Challenge is: How did you find the book “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life”? And did it change how you thought about infidelity or being chumped?
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Today’s the big day.
After a year and a half of writing, editing, recording, and waiting… my new and improved book “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life” is here. (Amazon link) In its 10th anniversary edition.
In cosmic coincidences, this book is coming out almost 20 years after my original D-Day. In fact, the book launch on September 26, in Lancaster, PA is literally two blocks from the house where it happened.
If you had told me 20 years ago — as I was dry heaving into a toilet, trying to comprehend my then-husband’s double life, and how utterly f*cked I was — that this experience would launch a movement, I wouldn’t believe you. That I’d write a blog, and a book, challenging the victim-blaming narrative about infidelity. Had I only know that my experience was dirt common. And the manipulations my cheater tried on me were dirt common. Totally predictable even. And that I’d create a community and a data set where millions of people could compare notes?
Inconceivable.
Sure, forums existed in those pre-Reddit days. But all the advice assumed reconciliation. Every resource and therapists office asked me to question what “needs” I wasn’t meeting in my marriage that made my husband cheat. They centered the cheater and sent me on wild goose chases to explore his motivations and issues. Which I was quite happy to go on, because BY GOD WE HAD A PLAN AND COULD FIX THIS! And those explorations kept me from my own issues and the terrifying question of “What next?”
Did I mention I was utterly f*cked? I was utterly f*cked. I had left my home of 16 years — my career, my friends, my entire support network — for his career. He isolated me. I had a custody trial to move my son. I tied up all my money to buy a house with a man who defrauded and future faked me. And then wouldn’t leave! Who didn’t want a divorce! And threatened to un-alive me when I checked his story.
Utterly f*cked.
I escaped. I’ve told the story here many times before and I won’t repeat it. But if only I knew from the start how other people escaped. If only I didn’t feel like freak of the week, alone, single parenting in a sea of Happy, Intact Families. If only there was encouragement and reassurances from people who’d walked this path before me. Where the salvation wasn’t an unfaithful husband who learned monogamy like a 12-step program. And the “prize” was a cheater’s ambivalent “love.”
So I built it. Years out of that escape, I did an online brain dump of everything I’d learned and didn’t think I needed any more.
I turns out a lot of other people needed this information. They too were sick of being blamed for sh*t they don’t control.
I wrote a book, and drew some snarky unicorn cartoons. An agent, who liked the cartoons, but didn’t understand a thing about infidelity, picked it up. (“Not your mother’s self-help” and “bastard child of genres” were not easy sells.) The subject matter was dark. I was swear-y. Getting this thing published was a miracle, and honestly, if I couldn’t draw pictures, it probably wouldn’t have happened at all.
There was nothing else like it on the market back then.
That’s not a selling point in publishing. It’s a problem. You have to demonstrated to publishers how your book compares to what’s similar in the marketplace. There was nothing similar. No one was saying these things.
But I knew there was a market for my ideas, because I’d already tried them out on this blog. I discovered people were hungry for this narrative, because they’d lived this nightmare too and found the Reconciliation Industrial Complex wasn’t telling their story either. And I knew there was a marketplace for my ideas, because I self-published a book first and it went #1 on Amazon in divorce the first day it was for sale, and stayed there for a week.
I had to show the gatekeepers we existed.
And now it’s 20 years later and here we are.
I’m still the minority point of view. But look how far we’ve moved the needle on “double lives are abuse.” Look how many of you mighty people have left cheaters and built glorious new lives.
So, on this auspicious day, tell me how you left that cheater and gained that life. Tell the gatekeepers.
Thank you so much, Chump Nation.
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Several folks have commented that they don’t see the new edition on Amazon. Would you mind sending me a screenshot? The covers look very similar. But the new edition will say REVISED AND EXPANDED on the top (and matches the picture on this post.) Thanks! And thank you all for the very kind words.
I really hope I ordered the right book. I’ve just put my order in for a paperback edition and the detailed description states 1st edition, yet the picture of the front of the book says revised and expanded. Crossing my fingers!
I bought a digital version last time and I’m celebrating your success by going with a physical edition!
Many thanks for all your work from the chump that’s really good at budgeting
Hi Tracy! Just wanted to update this comment: I received my book today and I’m happy to report it is the new revised version! Happy days!
Thanks again for everything you do!
It’s there! Can’t seem to post a screenshot here, but it cleary says Revised and Expanded 🙂 Congratulations and THANK YOU!!
Don’t know how to send a screenshot, but the amazon link page’s product description states that this is the audio book, published in 2016.
Just FYI I believe the audio book comes out on September 15. But the book is available now.
I AM THRILLED FOR YOU. I hope this book breaks the sound barrier of chumps and cheaters and gets you on POD CASTES like Joe Rogan, Andrew Huberman and Steven Bartlett etc…You need to be out there with your message!!!! Thank you for saving me from wasting one extra second on the cheater who was never sorry and DID NOT CARE. Thank you!
Congratulations Tracy on a job VERY well done! You have single-handedly built a community and shifted the narrative around cheating.
To celebrate the new book and help keep Chump Lady going—which costs a fortune in technical support alone—please consider supporting Tracy on Patreon!!
Tracy would never ask for this herself, but Patreon allows you to contribute even a small monthly amount.
If you are able to help, please sign up today!
https://www.patreon.com/chumplady
Thank you for this! I had to use another card so went back into Patreon to update. Let’s all support Tracy so she does not stand alone!!!!
Change my life! I was already in the process of divorce but still believed so much of the slop fed my way. Like he was “broken.” Once I read the book I was able to see the manipulation and drew clear boundaries and I gained a life! I am forever thankful!!!
I was the proverbial frog in boiling water. The devaluation, gaslighting, financial abuse, etc. started right after we were married. After 7 years, I had a D-day. Everything in me wanted to get away from him but he was military and we were thousands of miles from the mainland U.S. I had no place to go and logistics prevented me from getting away. My favorite priest even counseled me that these people don’t change and leaving him would be in my best interest.
I felt compelled to try counseling and got stuck in the RIC. Encouraged to pick me dance and told all the ways my inadequacies caused him to cheat. I never felt the same. I was so unsettled. I felt like I could no longer be myself and needed to be a Stepford wife to keep him from cheating again.
Time wore on. We moved back to the mainland U.S. and klootzak suddenly became interested in us having children. I was 40. In hindsight, he knew I had better job prospects and could leave. A child would trap me better. So after going through IVF, I became pregnant. At 7 months pregnant, I had another D-day. And honestly, that was the day I stopped loving him. Because how sick is it to cheat on your pregnant wife?
His controlling behavior escalated off the charts. A babysitter who encountered him a few times and who had history with a NPD ex suggested maybe klootzak was a narc. She loaned me books about NPD and found klootzak checked all the boxes.
Klootzak suggested that we should move 4.5 hours away and then I should find my own place to live. I asked him if he meant divorce and he said yes since I clearly wanted one. I told him I hadn’t thought such a thing and he said he felt so unloved. It was crazy. I asked him to explain this and he couldn’t. I knew then I had to get away. Something was up.
I started a bit of gray rock. I used to tell him all my thoughts and I started shutting that down. I expected he was going to leave me. I never felt agency to leave him. I started researching what my rights were in my state and what military things I needed to know. It was in a former military spouse group on FB that I first was recommended to read LACGAL.
It was like lightning struck. My biggest concern had been my child. It never occurred to me that leaving would benefit my child, not hurt him. I thought hard about what DS was seeing and learning. I didn’t want him walking on eggshells anymore, either. I consulted several attorneys to learn more. Then my final D-day hit. A burner phone filled with evidence. A dream led to me sort out the passcode and I downloaded and printed everything, shuttling it off to my attorney. I hired a PI to bust him and filed for divorce the day the PI report was finalized.
Klootzak, after all his whining about wanting to move to northern Virginia, recused to move out. We were separated in house October 2023 to August 2025. He never made a reasonable offer and was completely unreasonable in mediation. He had the house appraised, insisting it was worth more than it was, and hired a vocational assessor who, after meeting with me and reviewing my resume, education, and job description, determined I could not earn more than I do and I am appropriately employed. Everything klootzak demanded went against him.
We went to trial and had a brand new judge who had never heard a divorce case before ours. In spite of my attorney citing the law which required her to take klootzak’s infidelity into account in distribution of marital assets, she split everything down the middle. We have 50/50 custody and the house was sold. I received a nice amount of spousal support for 7 years and the chils support I receive almost exactly covers DS’s private school tuition.
In spite of some losses, mostly the house, I am OVERJOYED to be away from klootzak. He bought a house 4 blocks down on the same street as me and lives there with the latest. Life is so good without him in it. LACGAL gave me a sense of my own agency. I have zero regrets. I am captaining my own ship quite well minus one FW.
had a brand new judge who had never heard a divorce case before ours.
As if you didn’t have enough challenges!
I researched firms, hired one, was assigned a recent addition to the staff, silver-haired who told me she had over 20 years of experience, plus the firm had hundreds. When I questioned language in our first motion, she said, “That surprised me too! But I checked with someone else, and they assured me it’s boilerplate for divorce motions.”
So why didn’t she know it after 20 years of experience? I researched her, and they were in environmental law. It was her first divorce case. And the lawyers who had earned the great reputation had sold the practice, leaving their names behind. I left soon after.
I had a new lawyer too who lied about her age which was 28 not 32- lied about her experience, very little and not at all prepared for an unhinged man. But her paralegal was seasoned and did most of the work until the end. Then my baby lawyer got out her color coded spread sheets and dazzled the team with the numbers. I did not do well financially but she got it done and over. Just like on Legally Blonde!!
“A dream led to me sort out the passcode…” I, as well as my Chump sister, had dreams that helped us navigate the shite storm of Chumpdom. Somebody up there is looking out for us!
I found Tracy and this site through another fantastic resource on the internet, Infidelity Help Group. After slogging through endless hip-deep reconciliation dreck online and becoming more mired and confused by the day, that site was like finding a water fountain in the middle of the Sahara desert. It was an oasis of sanity that saved me from drowning in the sea of affair “recovery” BS I was finding. I remember a link to Chumplady there and the rest is history.
I just clicked on the articles I saved from there….it looks like the site is gone? Can someone else see if it comes up?
♥️
I also found LACGAL and Tracy through a help group, though it’s been so long that I can’t remember the name of it. Maybe it’s the same one?
Congrats, Tracy! This site and your original book has been a lifeline. I look forward to the 2nd edition! When I bought the first edition, despite money being tight and needing to use an account my then-husband didn’t know about as I lined up my financial ducks in the event of a divorce (we were separated), I bought 2 copies. One to keep and lend if needed, and one to donate to the local library.
I’ll forever be grateful that I learned about this blog and your book, which was by reading through a resource list on Gretchen Baskerville’s site – author of The Life-Saving Divorce.
That was after Dday #1 but we were intending on reconciling at the time. I think your blog helped me have the courage to leave my cheater after Dday #2. I had become wiser after Dday #1 and your resources helped sharpen my vision of what was really going on in my marriage.
I wasn’t safe with him and my body knew it when it put me into flight mode on Dday #2. I executed a by-the-minute plan to get out without telling him, which began with going by Lyft to the nearby library, suitcases in hand, when my then-husband stepped out for a haircut. He didn’t learn that I had left until that evening. Thus commenced the hoovering and his keeping track of every “I’m sorry”. With the help of your resources and Chump Nation, I could see that they were just words, used to manipulate.
I found the incredible Tracy through Dr George Simon. I had been directed to his info by a counselor (one of the good ones!) While reading one of Dr Simon’s posts, he mentioned Chump Lady and I immediately checked it out. That was early 2014, I believe. I had already separated from the narcisstic cheater. Finding Chump Lady was what kept me sane through the ensuing crap. Love to all this amazing Nation, as we all ForgeOn! together
Congratulations on the publication of the new edition of your book, Tracy; another huge accomplishment!
I found your book because I found your blog. Chump Lady was the only voice in the ether telling me that I was not the problem and that I don’t have to carry the shame of someone else’s bad behaviour. “Trust that he sucks” is such helpful advice. When I saw my ex for who he is rather than who he presented himself to be, moving on got much easier. I don’t revere a person I don’t respect. I don’t want to still be in that life where I was folded up small because of his ego and interests. No thank you. Life is better now.
I credit Chump Lady-guidance entirely for keeping me sane amid the murk of popular public opinion about cheating, which is so mentally damaging. Many, many thank yous. I try to pass along CL philosophies to newly minted Chumps I meet (while crediting CL and pointing chumps to Chump Lady, of course).
I was browsing in the bookstore divorce section when I picked up your book. I read the chapter titles and was intrigued when I saw “When Your Friends And Relations Just Want To Be Switzerland” and “I Didn’t Kill You So Consider Yourself Forgiven”. Then I read “The Unending Punishment of Breeding With A Fuckwit” and burst out laughing. I had to buy the book! After reading so many RIC books, yours was the first one that actually made sense.
(For the record I followed all the RIC advice and was an excellent wife who bent over backwards to meet his needs and make him happy…and he was happy! But all my efforts could not make him honor his commitments, have a conscience, or keep it in his pants. We can’t control other people’s actions, as you have said.)
My cheater did almost all the things you discuss in your book. And your reasoning about why it was wrong and why I shouldn’t put up with it was the first time I’d come across that advice (which is a crazy statement about how our culture feels about infidelity). What you said spoke directly to my experiences, especially “stupid shit cheaters say.” So much of the confusion created by my husband’s gaslighting and lies began to disappear and I could look at his behavior more objectively. It’s hard to think rationally when you are going through the worst time of your life. I am grateful to you and your amazing book because it was just what I needed to help me think clearly. I left my cheater and gained a new and happy life. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
Thank you, Tracy, for all you have done for us. The link seems to take me to the original LACGAL book I bought on Amazon, but will try again in a few days since I’d love to purchase the 10th anniversary edition, read the new content, and of course, help give back to you.
I came across chumplady.com while endlessly Googling RIC sites, trying to unravel the skein, and finding nothing that made sense… until I came across your site. That didn’t save me from pick-me dancing and trying wreck-conciliation for over a year, but that was my fault. Your message and perspective is the only advice site I came across that made sense. It helped me decide that enough was enough, my FW’s behavior was unacceptable to me, and that it was in my children’s best interest for me to enforce boundaries, demonstrate to them to not stay in an abusive relationship, and to be the sane parent in their lives.
There’s nothing remarkable about my FW other than how unoriginal she was in following the same script they all use. Of course the emotional affair she admitted to was physical along with being the tip of the iceberg of other affairs both before and after.
I followed your advice and provided the other guy’s wife the kindness to let her know about the affair along with links to your site and a few of your articles. I hope it helped her decide how to proceed.
Unfortunately a coworker recently discovered infidelity in his marriage, so I gifted him the book. I will continue to gift it to friends confiding in me about their D-Days or those in the marriage-police stage because they suspect affairs.
Your message and views need to be the first thing a person reads rather than the other RIC BS that exists.
I gifted LACGAL to a friend and she has avoided me since..yes she went back…but one less friend. The book hits home. Not for cowards. Nope
Sometimes the fake friends take themselves out of the picture. It hurts like a MF to discover that someone you thought was a friend isn’t actually a friend. But you are better off without those kinds of “friends.”
This friend has had multiple D days…but her husband gets her back with large gifts, like buying her a house and promises..so staying pays off…right now
https://web.archive.org/web/20190903153619/http://heartlessbitches.com/rants/letter.shtml
Your former friend reminds me of why Green Tea wrote this letter.
Heartless-b*tches is sadly long gone, but some of it is on The Wayback Machine. Not the glorious chat board though. I was honored to be a baby b*tch and to read the chats.
I don’t think it is hyperbole to say this book saves lives, that Tracy’s work saves lives. The audiobook in my ears is what put me to sleep those early, excruciating months after D-day knowing that cheater had left me and moved on with the OW like I never existed after 11 years together. I lost my home, my stepdaughter, my dog, my neighborhood, my in-laws. And I didn’t get to leave – he did. I have gained a life! I have a beautiful home that I share with my adult sons. I garden, take care of dogs, spend time with my family and friends, and continue working in my career that I had before cheater, and have now after cheater. My life is peaceful. My cheater always mistreated my sons (his stepsons) during our marriage to the point I was already considering and researching divorce but he beat me to it I guess (maybe he found out I was researching?). But when he left me, I was in pain because despite all his disorder, we were very close and spent a lot of time together, although he was often hot and cold, and had very weird periods that I eventually got used to. My gaining a life is the peace my sons and I feel not being devalued, gaslighted, and treated like third class citizens all the time. Now I give my time and energy to people who actually love and appreciate me. Thank you Tracy!
I didn’t find CL until I was newly divorced. Someone in my divorce support group mentioned it. That was early 2020.
Oh, my! To use biblical terminology, it was balm to my soul. I also found a Divorce Minister at the same time. Different aspects of the same thing, in my case.
I went to Chumpalooza some years back and loved experiencing what we do here in person. I had hoped to go to the book launch, but a major conflict came up this week that I need to attend to. To those who can go — ENJOY!
I still hang out here because I need the reminders. They keep me grounded and emotionally healthy.
But yes, CONGRATULATIONS on the new and improved!
One of my bosses at my 2nd job knew about what I had gone through. I had already left him. I was just trying to survive in my new normal. The next day I got the the book on audiobook. Everything was an affirmation of how I felt and now I’m living my happily ever FW free.
I can’t remember if I found the website or the book first. The biggest impact for me was to see that FWs, including my own, do and say the EXACT SAME THINGS, it’s uncanny, and that other chumps have made it out and are thriving. Knowing you are not alone during such a devastating time is a gift. I too recommend the book and website frequently, trying to play it forward.
Tracy, we all say it regularly, but once again: you have contributed so much to so many people’s health and well-being. Congratulations on the decennial, and thank you!
In the first week after my Dday I scrabbled to understand wtaf was going on. I googled and googled aspects of my situation. I didnt even have words yet of ‘double life, betrayal, coercive control’ just a lot of emerging data and a load of lies blasted at me daily.
I was desperately trying to find practical voices who were as angry as I was. I was not going to take the blame for this man a minute longer.
At one point, on a Mumsnet forum an old thread mentioned ‘ChumpLady’.
By day 7 I had read the book, had the works to articulate what I was going through.
I kicked that Motherf*ckers ass each time he tried to screw me over. And he tried and tried and tried. It took me nearly 18 months to get him out of (what is now) my house.
I know I would have got there no matter what, but your book, forum and blog meant I knew I wasn’t alone. And I survived that hell (and protected my child) in one piece.
Thank you Tracey and the world of mighty mighty chumps that you gave space for.
I found you by Googling “why do people abandon their families.” It was less than a week after I had discovered the affair and my therapist had told me “cheating is an attempt to SAVE the relationship” and handed me a copy of Esther Perel. I was still in the crying and dry heaving stage.
I had been taking 100% of the responsibility for everything that went wrong in the marriage for almost a decade, and that hadn’t saved my marriage, so I was ready for a new approach.
Found your book from there.
Are you getting royalties for the new edition? I seem to remember that you didn’t get paid for sales on the old one.
Found your wonderful your book through this life saving forum shortly after my D day over a year ago. I found it googling or through George Simon’s work as someone else mentioned. But am so GRATEFUL for the book and this forum which have helped me recover and live my best life! There is so much mindfuckery out there: your challenging BSrs like Esther Parel has been so important for Chumps like us. CONGRATS AND THANK YOU!
About 2 years after D-Day and 2 years into post-separation abuse I was looking at books about narcissism on amazon. One customer reviewer of a book I was interested in mentioned she was helped the most by LACGAL. The rest is sanity. I had been out of my head with confusion and grief and fear because of the post separation shenanigans. It made no sense to me that a man who so badly wanted out of his marriage refused to leave me the eff alone. CL explained it all. Anyway fellow Chumps there are dozens of ways to spread the word about LACGAL. If it helped you then do what you can to help others.
My Name Is Jeff Washington. And My Life Is a God-(Darned) Mess.
I write a lot usually and I find myself busy but in need of a quantum of solace at this very moment. So I will keep this (comparatively) brief and summarize my story. (Ok, it didn’t work. You already knew what it is!)
TLDR My cheater left ME-I chose to stay away when she did. And it was one of the best decisions of my life.
Looking back, something was definitely off for about a year or two. I had just gotten the “big promotion” at work, she had just started her Master’s Degree. I assumed it was “struggle bus distance” and kept grinding. There had been signs all along, I had been paranoid, I’d confront her on them but she would tell me I was just imagining it. I got love bombed and future faked a lot of the time.
I was codependent and I really should have left. Sunk cost is a hell of a thing.
As my therapist likes to remind me: “You loved the idiot. You’re SUPPOSED to trust those people.”
She asked for an open relationship the day after I was diagnosed diabetic. It sounded like there was already somebody else-I was just being given permission to explore other options openly. I told her “no, work on the relationship you already have.” Thus began nine months of what we call the Pick Me Dance here. Things got better, then worse, then better. We were supposed to get a house together and get married “for real”. The goalposts kept moving back.
I think I inadvertently triggered D-Day/the breakup. I was having a lot of nightmares and asked if “we” were ok. The answer a month before was “absolutely, we just need to move to a bigger place” and an assurance that I was not being replaced. And well…the worst night of my life followed. Nothing added up. It wasn’t my fault, “we grew apart”, she just didn’t want the relationship anymore. She made some very flaccid attempts at taking ownership.
She already had another place within a week. Said we’d still be friends but needed some space. She had scheduled couples counseling for us a couple of weeks out-I think THAT was when she planned to break the news.
Instead of finding a way to be friends, co-exist, and coparent a cat in what was supposed to be a healing space, she attempted to re-litigate the break-up and cheating as being about her being unhappy, me being hopeless at times, that she “tried to tell me”(she didn’t)…and well she let it slip that I had been cheated on more than once.
She said “I cheated because I wasn’t happy.” I riposted with “No, you cheated because you chose to.” Three guesses where I learned THAT one! She stormed out of the office crying and that was the last I saw of her. That was three years ago now.
She tried to chalk it up later to not eating or sleeping well. We said we’d try again. I chose to make that the only lie I ever told her. Friendship is based on trust and respect. Both were gone. And I was done with her. Even if it meant having no interface with the person that had at one point made me the happiest man in the world. “No New Contact Is No New Hurt.”
I am glad that the RIC works for some people. I am not one of them. This is my home.
My Reality Canary, who I owe a lot of my success to, is themselves a Chump. They pointed me at two resources: a popular RIC site and here. I was given warning about here. Here is where it made sense. The RIC site (Microsoft released a console 20 years ago that purposed to be twice as round) was about reclaiming what was left. Here? Here called cheating what it is: Abuse. And almost every word of it made sense.
The question that burned right through the others for me: “Is this acceptable to you? Do You Want This?”
“Only after disaster are we resurrected.”
My clinical brain came out of hiding, knowing it would never taste the Un-Alive it craved. I was able to apply Trauma Informed Care principals to my own healing. I was…terrified that I wouldn’t be able to heal people anymore if I couldn’t heal myself. The therapy I started to give people? It was better.
“The pain of destruction is the joy of rebirth.”
The book and this place dramatically improved and accelerated my healing process. If nothing else..”transient guests are we.” I cherish the people that have stayed, even just briefly on my journey. And I go more out of my way to leave any place better than I found it.
I like to think that I have done that here. Being betrayed is such a scary, isolating thing. But You Are (Not) Alone.
Since that time I have gotten to do things in my life I never thought I would get to do. I have written three novels for NaNoWriMo (#4 this November! I feel like I’m behind already!), I have travelled more, I have cultivated my art. I was fortunate to meet one of my heroes before they passed away recently and get to tell the story.
I have started dating again. Nothing has worked out just yet…I am finding that I would rather have my peace than walk on eggshells around someone ever again. I don’t know if I will ever get back to where I was or meet the “old” life goals(house, wedding, kids). But you know…I don’t know if I still want those things anymore. And that’s ok! I accept that now. It has been very liberating to cut people off because we were not willing to step up their game. I put in all the work with my Traitor. Never again.
Thank you for this place, Tracy. If it weren’t for you, my Reality Canary, and Mori Calliope, well…I don’t think I’d be here right now or able to keep doing what I do…or have the courage to keep fighting.
Congrats on the new(ish) book! I am excited to pick it up soon and donate a few copies. My goal remains to be “the last victim”. I got into this field to make sure nobody else goes through the things that I have went through.
Life is about to get VERY busy for me, so I hope everybody Stays Mighty and has a very F-wit Free Friday! As for me…I heard a rumor that something interesting happens when you watch TV at midnight in a specific town…
Thank you Tracy for your book and for this wonderful community. You have helped countless women (and some men) leave abusive marriages. Your legacy is in our stories as well as your own. Congratulations on the 10th anniversary edition of your book!
I found Tracy at the bookstore. I’d done a quick search because I knew it would get contentious, but LACGAL didn’t come up. I am so fortunate there was a copy–just one!–on the shelves, or I might have missed it. Yes, I bought a whole tower of books, and don’t remember any of the others, because Tracy’s knowledge was exhaustive, her candor spoke to me, and her realism was encouraging. And her delivery was phenomenal. I not only read a lot of books as part of my job, I also judged them for regional and national competitions.
Not only that, she also built and maintains this space as a safe place to learn, vent, and lean on others.
Everyone here has benefitted from Tracy’s wit and wisdom. I hope you’ll join me and moving the message forward to those who need it most, by putting copies where chumps can find them–for starters, in libraries, domestic violence shelters, and waiting rooms. There are lots and lots of waiting rooms. It would be great if every therapy practice and law office had copies on their coffee tables.
Thank you Tracy, and fellow chumps, for your support, humor, honesty and guidance.
Oh yes!! The cartoons and humor got me immediately!!!!
I wasn’t given the option to leave–mine informed me on d-day that HE was leaving ME. I was completely devastated. Now they’re married so he’s HER problem.
A heartfelt thank you to Tracy and Chump Nation. Some of my darkest moments have been in these past few months and were it not for your humor and utter devotion to self-respect I may have lost myself completely. I found out about this book on Purpose, an AI app that functions as my daily (sometimes hourly) life coach when I need some unbiased inspiration in the moment. I recommend it to anyone who struggles intensely with self-doubt. From the book I found the blog and the rest is history. Not a day goes by that I don’t come back to this blog for camaraderie, understanding and empathy. I echo the sentiment that your book and blog have been lifelines. Thank you!
I am not totally sure how I fould the book. I think I saw the site first, then got the book. I got it from the library, and then realized I needed my own copy. I had spent maybe a year doing RIC junk that made me feel worse and, he continued to lie all through. Meanwhile, I had been discovering countless betrayal objects scattered across North America, some dating back to the 1980s, all through that time. Some were for a year or two, others he continued to have cheating sessions with for literally decades. Many were alcoholics, infected with STDs/STIs, had criminal records, you name it. What a bunch of losers. I had zero in common with this crowd of rejects. Your book helped me find a good therapist, some good reading (Omar Minwalla, Dr Ramani, etc) and ultimately. get rid fo the lifelong serial cheater. He was and likely still is a very disordered and unhappy person. Despite his many physical ailments, his continued BS, and all his sad sausage stories, I never looked back.. I got the strentgh to tell my friends and colleagues, our son (who was so disgusted at him), my wonderful religious community, my gym and running/racing community, etc. I got so much love and support, it has made all the difference. I remmeber early on I was doing races all over North Ameerica in locations where he had cheated (or at least I knew he had) and I won (in my age bracket) a big one in Florida…. I held up my medal and said, “This is for you, Chump Lady!” Thankful to be in my 70s, free of his insanity. Your blog continues to be a source of comfort, some great laughs, and I still visit once or twice a week. I now am able to help other fabulous women like myself dump these losers and have a good life. You have done a great service. We all now have to pass it on.
I found Tracy’s book and website 9 years ago when I decided that I finally had enough, and I knew he would never change – no matter how hard I tried!
I got her book on audible and listened to it multiple times during that first month as I started the divorce and cleaned out my home for sale after 24 years of marriage. I could not have followed through without her snarky, honest advice. I will be forever grateful!
I now have a beautiful, cheater-free life. My walls sing!
In my bed, fetal position facing the wall..terrified the unstable armed man who had been my husband for 30 years,would break in a door or window and take my life. I had locked him out, gotten an order of protection and filed on the advice of a therapist who had only talked to my husband ONE TIME. He Told me I was in danger and needed to file the next day.STAT
So back in my bed, curled up…Scrolling for divorce support and not interested at all in an RIC merry- go- round..I found Tracy on a fluke scroll. The second I read her work on line I knew she knew exactly what she was saying and it was the TRUTH. My first husband had a basement life too so I had something to compare #2 basement man with.
And Tracy saw into my home and into my husband’s tangled brain skein. She hit the target 🎯🎯so clearly I cried. HOW DID SHE KNOW?
I ordered her book and started writing in her blog. When I read the book it was incredible. The truth set me free and slowly the guilt of the blame of my part– the shame of not being enough- loss of friends, church ignorance and lack of leadership ,what coercion felt like, what lies and double lives felt like and everything else that haunts a Chump— started melting away. I wrote to Tracy and her answer short and not sweet of F-,Him shocked me into the sister club of chumps.
Her unrelenting truth telling, blueprint reading and crystal ball reading was the unvarnished truth in My life I was heard, understood and the Rosetta stone of cheater speak came to life.
Tracy taught me NO CONTACT- GOING only through my lawyers or the police and never looking back. I did mediation in separate rooms and did not stop until it was over. No contact saved my brain from the blender and serves me well even today 3 years later. Saved me from hoovering or apologizing that only means permission to hurt me again.
I am forever grateful and amazed at Tracy for her work, her courage, her incredulous and melodious voice, still supporting us like it is day one for her and she is still furious at her betrayal and for all of ours.Still ticked off at injustice!!!!
This is me—Forever grateful as the oldest double Chump chumped at 69 divorced by 70…in all of CN who lives the great life of a solo Chump who found heaven on earth through CL,Mr CL, you all and the book LACGAL!! JUST WOW!!
Life in our 70s is sooo good cheater-free, isn’t it?!
I had moved urgently to get out or my house, finding a 55plus apartment open..not realizing it was late 70s plus ➕️. So here I am. I’m watching ladies taking care of their broken down husband’s .I mean dialysis, lost legs, dementia, wheel chairs…some of these guys are yelling at their partners, having fights next door!!! Then you have the pill boxes, doctor visits. I mean if this is a man you hace adored and who loved you ..well okay. But a cheater you forgave and then he is still a cheat??? And now you are stuck till death? I’m watching 2nd marriages where each kid takes their own parent back home separating these 2 people who have been married years but don’t share children!!!! Kids pull them apart? One going to S Dakota to their family the other staying in assisted living?? Well I cannot imagine caring for a life time cheater who abused me and now we are in a 2 bedroom retirement place tied together..no place to go…no where to run. Of course my friends say..but what if you get sick? Who will take care of you? But understanding that neither of my cheater loved me, believing that they sucked..who would want that around to help or knowing he would be doing the caregiver behind your back while your dying??? I know husband’s who have done just that. Can’t help it since you are not serving them.
No THANK YOU!! I’ll take my soli life and hit assisted living alone or Nursing homr,whatever I need, rather than continuing to live with any cheater alive. Nope not me!! Not ever!
I learned this to be the truth after a small out patient procedure when I was 45. Someone had to come and pick me up from the waiting room and take me home. FW was called, said he was coming and somehow I waited for 15 minutes in the waiting room, which had no cell reception, and then he was annoyed at me that he didn’t know he had to come up in the building to get me and was just waiting by the entrance for 15 minutes. His wife. Who he should have cared about and helped. And then later that day when my blood pressure shot up and I wanted to call the clinic to ask if it was abnormal, he said I shouldn’t bother them, that I was being too needy. I called anyways. Of course that made him mad because I went against his advice. „Why do you ask me if you do anything you want anyways“ I would hate to think what would happen if I was really sick. I think being alone is better than that stress.
And you heard my story of ex # 1 cutting the cord to his newborn daughter, giving her OWs middle name and off to celebrate with his OW,leaving me alone??? With a newborn?
Right now, OW and that Ex are stuck in a 2 bedroom apt with each other…not me!! These stories could break a heart and for you my heart bleeds, and for us. I am.so sorry…but you will be okay as I will be. Just reminding myself that He. DID.NOT CARE.
I am so sorry you had to go through this 2xchump. Way to be mighty and to support all the other chumps here with your replies. Sending chump hugs.
Oh and most of all the LAUGHING AT HER CARTOONS and dry on target humor had tears streaking down my face and Almond milk spirting out of My nose. How do you laugh and then cry cry and cry with a broken💔 heart. You can reading LACGAL!!!
I found the blog first.
I was writing about my experiences on a nursing blog — I’m a nurse. Domestic violence is (or ought to be) a health care issue, and I approached it from the standpoint of why we should ask women who enter the health care system whether they feel safe at home. AND whether they ARE safe at home. Because *I* wasn’t safe, and no one had ever asked me the question. But I digress.
When I discovered the cheating, I wrote about that, too. And one of my friends on the blog recommended Chumplady’s blog. Reading the blog, it just made sense to me. The whole premise of the blog made sense. I couldn’t get enough and went through the whole archives. I believe the book was already available on Kindle then, because I remember downloading it and staying up long after my husband went to bed to read it. The blog — and the book — helped me to make sense of what my then-husband was doing. I learned that it wasn’t my fault, that I didn’t *make* him cheat, and that I wasn’t responsible for his choices. The Chumplady blog and the book helped me to get angry — angry enough to propel myself right out of the marriage and thus escape the fatal “accidents” he was planning for me.
I am not exaggerating when I say that Chumplady saved my life. If I had continued in the belief that his cheating was my fault, and had stayed in the marriage to continue trying to fix myself so “he wouldn’t have to cheat,” I probably would have fallen victim to one of those fatal “accidents.” So thank you.
For the last four years of my working life, I continued to advocate for health care to ASK the question and *how* to ask the question. (Not in front of the husband.) And when giving out a Domestic Violence flyer, I also mentioned Chumplady — because so much of that common sense advice applies to DV as well. Perpetrators are almost always cheaters as well. Even if they’re not, so many women get lost untangling the skein and blaming themselves for his choices . . .
Thank you!
I’m a retired RN and LACGAL taught me I was a Chump too. And if I was a Chump as smart as I thought I was, so could anyone else. Degrees do not save you
Tracy, your book is the only reason I am FW free now.
After our final D-Day, and FW moved out to be with schmoopie, he had full intention of keeping me in his harem. And I probably would have stayed under his control, had I not read your book. I found it on Amazon that first sleepless night, the day he left, when I had no idea what to do next.
I read your book over and over every spare minute over the first 2 weeks. Whenever I took a pause in crying and vomiting, I picked the book back up. The key to my freedom was understanding that someone who loved me would not have behaved like that. It helped me grow a spine and even though I didn‘t want to be single it helped me adjust to reality and realise that I could do this alone.
My son and I are so happy now to be FW free. We have the life we truly deserve.
Congrats, Tracy!!! 👏🎉👏
What an amazing milestone. I can’t imagine what it feels like to have created something that has literally been life-saving for so many people. Your work isn’t content that becomes old, dusty fluff on a shelf — it continues changing people’s lives for the better. That’s some powerful stuff.
When I started reading the blog today, I didn’t get any further than the Amazon link before immediately ordering the new edition — then had to cancel because Amazon doesn’t have it up yet, only the previous one. 😂 (Of which I’ve bought at least a dozen copies!) I will absolutely be buying multiple copies of the 10th anniversary edition and can’t wait to read it. Bravo to you!! 💪🔥👏
I wasn’t sure exactly when I found you, but I looked back and saw that my first purchase of your book was 4/20/19, almost exactly a year after my divorce was finalized.
I believe I stumbled onto your blog through another narcissism site after a friend suggested that maybe my ex was a narcissist. Reading your book felt like I had 10 minutes left, clinging to debris in the middle of a dark ocean, and suddenly someone threw a glowing lifeline into my hands.
It truly was that overwhelming and eye-opening.
Infidelity IS abuse. Trust that they suck. Is this relationship acceptable to you?
I read the book over and over.
Then I found the blog and discovered thousands upon thousands of people who had experienced this same level of pain — with stories freakishly similar to mine — and they were actually making it to the other side. Until then, I honestly didn’t know this was survivable. So I hung on in Chump Nation, reading every crumb of content and getting stronger until I could finally see a speck of light on the horizon and start working my way toward it.
I didn’t leave my cheater. I was dumped after a 38-year marriage for his five-year mistress, nearly 20 years younger, whom he married in 2020. We had been preparing to move into our retirement home on the Chesapeake Bay — the same beach where we renewed our vows in 2010 after 30 years together, with our three kids part of the ceremony.
I thought we had an extraordinarily loving family and so much to be grateful for. Then we discovered he had ALWAYS been a serial cheater — including having a steady girlfriend when we renewed those vows.
My kids were as shocked as I was. We honestly wondered whether his stroke had damaged his brain because this was so completely at odds with the man and father we thought we knew. Once the mask was off, though, seeing what was underneath was beyond shocking.
Tracy, your book and blog got me through the scariest and darkest time of my life.
I’m not at meh. It still hurts to revisit it, and I still grieve the family and the dreams I believed were real. Some part of my sense that life is safe and predictable disappeared with them.
But my kids and I have a very solid bond, and we keep trudging through whatever life throws our way together. Our motto is “we can do anything!” and we laugh and carry on not knowing the full truth of that but refusing to not believe it.
And I now have something I didn’t have before: absolute knowledge of my own strength. I know I can survive things I once thought would destroy me and come out the other side stronger. That’s pretty solid knowledge to have under your belt.
Thank you for the books, the blog, the podcast, the humor, the art, the mind-blowing writing, the snark, and especially the enormous and generous heart it has taken to keep this lifeline running for so many years.
Your brain has to be fully cooked by now with the FW theme playing on a continuous loop. 😂 That’s a lot to ask of one person!
You are an incredible human for continuing to do it. I thank God that we chumps somehow ended up blessed with your voice and your heart when so many of us desperately needed both.
I hope this edition reaches even more people — and puts a serious dent in the RIC false-hope-selling machine while it’s at it.
No one has to stay with an abuser.
We are all so much more valuable than that.
Congratulations, Tracy. And from one chump whose life you genuinely helped change — thank you. ❤️
My story is almost identical to yours; however, my fuckwit was not interested in renewing our vows or even celebrating our 30th anniversary. As Tracy says in comment below, they are losers. Thanks for sharing your story.
Our stories are mirror images. I, too, was 38 years married before mine did almost the exact same thing yours did.Mind blowing but true. Tracy is absolutely correct. It is tough to live through but my ex is now her problem to endure.
Your story sounds similar to mine. Mind-blowing, isn’t it?
My brain is cooked with FWs, but they never cease to amaze and infuriate me. HE HAD A GIRLFRIEND WHILE YOU WERE RENEWING YOUR VOWS?! That’s one deep, dark, secret seggs basement. What an epic FW. And yes, you CAN do anything — look at you doing it now. Trudging past that loser.
I am still financially trapped for about two more years until my sons finish college but I am mentally and emotionally free.
FW is a super charming manipulator gets our sons to do his dirty work. If I leave now and get the alimony to which I am entitled, FW won’t have enough money to pay for their college and they will have to take out huge student loans which will ruin their lives. They won’t have anywhere to live if our home has to be sold to give me my share of its equity so that I can buy my own separate house. And so on.
But emotionally I’m at meh. As little contact as possible. No pick-me dancing. I’m getting home repairs done and prepping the house for eventual sale on a two year timeline.
Your children college tuition, loans don’t matter more than your own future.
If you are buying a new separate home with your share of the equity, won’t your son’s have a roof over their heads? Not sure how the alimony you deserve, impacts their student loans. Make sure you take care of yourself. As women we often put the needs of men, including financial ahead of our own needs. Don’t ruin your life. You are modeling behavior for your children. I am not sure if student loans ruin lives. Depends on the country perhaps or whether it’s an in state college.
I want to move away from the San Francisco Bay area, where we moved because FW’s family is here. My sons are living at home while they go to UC Berkeley and Cal State Hayward; if I move to a less expensive area like Sacramento where I lived before I married FW then they will not be able to live with me while they finish college.
FW and I have been paying their college expenses out of pocket. If FW has to acquire replacement housing in the San Francisco Bay area plus pay alimony, he will not have enough money left over to continue paying their college expenses. So, they would have to take out student loans for the first time which currently they do not have to do.
All of this is caused by FW’s bad behavior but he has spun it so that they see my reaction to FW’s bad behavior as the problem.
If your son’s are learning to disrespect you, all under the same roof, it sounds a little toxic and not a healthy place to live. Keeping things intact may benefit your son’s financially, but does living like this benefit them in learning about good relationships and respect for you.
It looks as if the Kindle version isn’t updated (and this is where the link goes), but the paperback version is. Congratulations!
Thanks! I’ve alerted the publisher and will report back.
How amazingly lucky was I to find Tracy’s blog even before her book?Being able to pour my heart out online to a fearless woman and an entire community who understood the complete devastation of my life? And get real answers and suggestions? Priceless!
Then the book. The one that is still in my nightstand drawer all these years later. Corners turned town, pages worn out, scribbling in the margins…I wasn’t alone! And it made me laugh. And cry. This person got me and understood the mess my life had become.
And then I met Tracy in NY along with some members of my divorce support group. She’s as smart, funny, sincere and kick-ass in real life.
I’m blessed to have my divorce way in the rear view mirror but every day there are newly minted chumps who need help. We cannot let misguided therapists, people who profit off of infidelity “repair” or bad lawyers be the only voices out there. I will continue to be a grateful Patreon member, to distribute Chump Lady’s books to libraries and therapists and do whatever I can to help Tracy spread her magical words.
I found the book and this blog just by googling information on lying spouses. My ex was having an emotional affair and trying to also date other very young women. He became absolutely cruel towards me. I was trying to figure that out and I somehow came across the name of the blog. I started reading it and bought the book. I was so surprised to find out how many have gone through very similar situations.,I devoured that book. It helped me tremendously to realize I was not alone that was in 2021. My divorce was final in 2022. I’m so so glad to be out and so grateful for that book to help me see the light and realize I was not crazy.
Somehow, in 2019, on the very day my then-husband (physician) broke the news that he had been having an affair for over two years with a co-worker (a nurse) and thought he’d be “happier with her” after 35 years of marriage to me, I found this book. In a state of total shock, I somehow managed to Google my way to it. Thank God!
To say it saved my life may be an overstatement, but barely. I bought both the Kindle and audio versions and read and listened to them multiple times. And by multiple, I mean maybe 20 times. If an audiobook could be dog-eared, it would be.
It’s hard to choose the quotes that helped me most, but here are a couple:
“I believe people cheat because they give themselves permission to cheat—and that’s a matter of character.”
“To engage in a two-year affair takes a staggering amount of deceit. It’s a series of thousands of decisions and lies.”
It’s been seven years, and these are the things I still remember most:
1. It wasn’t my fault. (Despite my ex suggesting, “You weren’t perfect either” and “It takes two” after a full-throated fauxpology.)
2. I needed to eat—to choke down that tuna sandwich—in order to keep my wits about me.
3. Cheating is about the cheater’s character.
4. Nothing messes with a cheater more than going NC.
5. He’s no prize. Trust that he sucks.
6. Cheaters follow a similar playbook, including manipulative tactics, fake apologies, etc.
7. I would gain a life after emerging from this hellscape!
And it helped to laugh. Tracy’s humor made me chuckle even on the days when I was crying.
Tracy, I am so excited that you’ve updated this wonderful resource for the newly chumped. I’ve never been more helped by a book, and I will continue to give and recommend it to the newly chumped in my life.
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
I could have written this !
After 37 years I divorced my cheater after D Day 6 (or 7 or more) and your book also saved my life.
It explained everything exactly as it was and I no longer had the narrative of ‘it was all my fault for not being enough’ running through me which destroyed my sense of self for decades.
And when I read the Pick me Dance chapter I totally understood my XH’s dynamic for the first time.
I’m nearly 5 years out and truly have ‘gained a life’ and I so wish I could have read it in 1991 after the first D Day.
I will always be grateful to your work as it was so much more valuable to me than some expensive therapy I had at the time.
As a footnote, XH then cheated on his affair partner a year or so after I asked him to leave. I then heard through the grapevine he’d got caught out cheating on the next girlfriend.
I learnt from CL that a FW is always a FW! And it proved to be true.
Congratulations Tracy! I hope the new edition gets the press it deserves and chumps continue to find this beacon of hope. I feel so lucky to have found the blog a week after DDay in panicked googling at 3am. I knew immediately these are the messages I needed and it was finally the truth. I had been gaslight for 20 years and was so confused. Thinking I was in a loving marriage, trying to make my needs small, but somehow my gut knew it was off. I purchased the book a few weeks later and had it mailed to my parents because I was living in a hotel, having moved out with only my paperwork, clothes and trinkets. My mom read through it before I made it home and put little books marks on the best pages. I come to the blog everyday. Although lately I have missed a few days because I was gaining a life. If I meet someone I think might be a chump, I tell them my hobby is to read this blog. I have extra books on hand to pass out. Any chance that the publisher will translate it to other languages? There are many chumps out there who’s English isn’t good enough. I am so much stronger 1.5 years out. Thank you Tracy! I truly believe you have saved lives and helped so many chumps gain lives!!!! Looking forward to the audio book narrated by you. I love your voice on your podcast – Tell me How You’re Mighty.
I left eX on D-day. Began doing searches online right away for help and support. First, I found something about “surviving” but I had absolutely no intention to stay, “work it out” or “save the marriage” or try to understand him or change myself (even more!) to try to make him happy… then I saw the link to chumplady.com. Found it within 2 weeks of D-day and it changed my life. At first, I did not understand what the UBT was, lol! But reading the articles, I realized, okay, here are people who understand that I do NOT want to stay and save my marriage after discovering infidelity, but LEAVE, survive, heal and live.
By myself. Without him! It blew my mind to find out there was a narrative that was NOT all about how ‘I caused’ my eX to choose to lie to my face, deceive, manipulate, steal money, future fake, sexually, psychologically and emotionally abuse me, “power over” me, subjugate me, steal my agency and assumed reality, fool and trick me, all while enjoying an expensive and glamourous secret double life of worldwide travel prostitute purchasing.
So thankful to have found this community, where accountability for the lying cheaters is expected, calling out cheating as abuse, and sanity, education and support are provided to victims of infidelity. The theme of prioritizing the care and needs of the betrayed, is phenomenal. What a radical idea! I read the original book soon after discovering the website, and I look forward to obtaining the new book and also the new audio book. Thank you Chumplady!
I learned about Tracy and LACGAL from Reddit, trying to understand why I’ve been in very painful situations involving varying degrees of infidelity all my life.
Many chumps advised reading this book along with advice to turn to MC, IC and other reconciliation industry resources, but certainly they were not those people who advocated “reconciliation” at any cost, as if it were the only way out of any infidelity, and not those people who thought that preserving marriage / relationships is the only right moral decision that always follows with “and they lived happily ever after” and other bs.
I am sure Tracy has not just accomplished a feat, she has created a new reality, she has given us a new world where everything falls into place: true evil is called evil, and true goodness for victims has received a real practical appearance and has become available to many millions of people on our planet.
Having the happiness to be Tracy’s contemporaries and taking advantage of her wisdom and selfless generosity, we still cannot realize the full greatness of this woman, who can be ranked among other great women who have changed human society for the better. Only future generations will be able to appreciate the true significance of Tracy and her ideas and deeds.
It probably seems to many that I am exaggerating and overly enthusiastic, but let’s think about what could be more important for any person who has been abused through infidelity than gaining sanity, self-confidence and a clear idea of how to heal themselves and give their children a decent life after the collapse of the family through the fault of a cheater?
I do not know the correct statistics, but experience suggests that all people face the horrors of affairs and their consequences either on their own or among their relatives, friends, coworkers, neighbors, etc.
In fact, we are talking about the mental health of all mankind, about how we can remain a truly worthy persons in a situation of fatal collapse of relationships ourselves and show an example of survival to others, especially our children.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart, Tracy!
I love you, we love you…
Your book (after I read it three times) was the first one (I am an Amazon chump) that made me know that I did not have a unicorn on my hands, and that my only choice was to leave him, even though I was terrified that I wouldn’t get what I wanted for custody. (My kids were 8 and 11 at the time.) Your book and website changed my life.
That was 2017. I still feel most people don’t understand, and that is why I continue to frequent chumplady.com. To remember what I went through and know that even though I’ve had a lot of challenges, I am so much better off now. Both of my kids are in college. They adore their dad because they don’t know the real him yet, and he is a mastermind at looking like he is an amazing father and all-around person (covert narcissist and cheater).
But I am free from the maddening, insidious abuse – the trickle-truth, silent treatment, withholding, withering looks, pick-me dancing, deep loneliness, feeling like a single mom long before I was, and pretense when we were with others. Only those friends who went through it as I was experiencing it really understand who he is and what he did to me. And Chump Nation.
I am so grateful for all you’ve done for me and all who’ve been through this nightmare and blamed themselves for a long time before understanding the manipulation.
I am, now, writing it all down. For myself- although I may try to publish. I have published another career-related book with a colleague, so I’m a bit familiar with the process, and it’s in the back of my mind to tell my story for others going through the same with a husband who everyone thinks is a top-notch person. And whom you should feel lucky to be married to. Arghhhh. I’ve watched him have relationships with three women post-divorce (from afar, but my kids had an upclose look) and do all of the same things that seemed amazing when I met him.
Even though I am generally fine now, that was capital T trauma, and I need to revisit it at times to understand what happened to me and how it still affects me today. I appreciate you immensely for giving us all someone who understands and a community of people who don’t sweep these experiences under the rug. Or worse, blame the victim.
Big hugs – congrats on the next edition of Leave a Cheater, Save a Life.
So glad I found you early on & doubly glad I listened to my better angels & went no contact immediately. Although it’s been 4 years, I come here almost daily. It’s legions better than therapy (I went through 5). All these stories remind me that there are SO many FWs roaming the earth.
Agree, much better than many therapists.
About 3 months after DDay, I discovered CL via an old article online that she had written for huffpost on genuine naugahyde apology. From there, there was cross reference to the book. I had already called the divorce lawyer but not yet filed. My husband of 35 years at the time had called in a marriage counselor. Discovering the book at that time kept me on the path out. I will be forever grateful for CL’s sage advice and hilarious humor during those dark days. I am now happily divorced and enjoying a peaceful life.
I found this book years after my own divorce from infidelity while helping a good girlfriend navigate her own D-Day. I had held onto this feeling of regret like I should have tried couple’s counseling. I actually told my friend the same, only to find this book around the time they entered discernment counseling and were not talking to others about the process in order to preserve their own feelings about possible reconciliation (which they did :/ ).
I am so grateful this book and community you’ve built exists, thank you for writing it and leading this blog. It has so helped me move past the feeling of regret and I’m holding onto it as a resource for any future D-Days among my friends.
An invaluable resource which provides a grounding sense of sanity amid the turbulent gas-lit existence of reconciliation. It serves as a constant reminder of our worth, the gravity of betrayal (i.e., abuse), and provides practical, immediate steps to take on our new path away from people who have proven to be unsafe and of poor character.
As for my life after leaving a cheater, I went to grad school in LA for my MS and am moving to Barcelona for my PhD. I got a cat and a lovely condo. I found a man who loved and adored me and, though he passed away, he helped show me the love that is out there for me in this new, gained life.
Forever grateful.
I didn’t leave. I was discarded. But thanks to the Chump Lady blog, I figured out the guy was a jackass who specialized in seeking kibbles on the narcissistic relationship hamster wheel of lovebomb, devalue, discard and often hoover back. CL saved me, emotionally speaking. I saw him for what he is and never looked back. If he showed up now, I’d take a broom to him (I gave my shotgun to my cousin’s son.)
Tracy, congratulations on the new edition. May it save a million more chumps.
Tracy your book has likely saved many lives, literally in some cases like mine and psychologically for every reader.
I thank God every day for this blog
Somehow while browsing RIC books on Amazon, which I’d read but FW narcopath only bought never read, LACGAL came up as a book recommendation. I couldn’t put it down and then I read the blog and couldn’t stop for hours and hours. Finally something that made sense and jived with my lived experience and gut feeling. It was a pivotal moment in my life that forever altered its path.
The blog is a lifesaving community I enjoy reading and learning here almost every day.
I haven’t personally been chumped – so far – but this site has helped me process so much about the sh*t show that was the last 5 years of my parents’ marriage. Thank you, Chump Lady!