The New ‘Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life’ Book Is Out Today
The Friday Challenge is: How did you find the book “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life”? And did it change how you thought about infidelity or being chumped?
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Today’s the big day.
After a year and a half of writing, editing, recording, and waiting… my new and improved book “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life” is here. (Amazon link) In its 10th anniversary edition.
In cosmic coincidences, this book is coming out almost 20 years after my original D-Day. In fact, the book launch on September 26, in Lancaster, PA is literally two blocks from the house where it happened.
If you had told me 20 years ago — as I was dry heaving into a toilet, trying to comprehend my then-husband’s double life, and how utterly f*cked I was — that this experience would launch a movement, I wouldn’t believe you. That I’d write a blog, and a book, challenging the victim-blaming narrative about infidelity. Had I only know that my experience was dirt common. And the manipulations my cheater tried on me were dirt common. Totally predictable even. And that I’d create a community and a data set where millions of people could compare notes?
Inconceivable.
Sure, forums existed in those pre-Reddit days. But all the advice assumed reconciliation. Every resource and therapists office asked me to question what “needs” I wasn’t meeting in my marriage that made my husband cheat. They centered the cheater and sent me on wild goose chases to explore his motivations and issues. Which I was quite happy to go on, because BY GOD WE HAD A PLAN AND COULD FIX THIS! And those explorations kept me from my own issues and the terrifying question of “What next?”
Did I mention I was utterly f*cked? I was utterly f*cked. I had left my home of 16 years — my career, my friends, my entire support network — for his career. He isolated me. I had a custody trial to move my son. I tied up all my money to buy a house with a man who defrauded and future faked me. And then wouldn’t leave! Who didn’t want a divorce! And threatened to un-alive me when I checked his story.
Utterly f*cked.
I escaped. I’ve told the story here many times before and I won’t repeat it. But if only I knew from the start how other people escaped. If only I didn’t feel like freak of the week, alone, single parenting in a sea of Happy, Intact Families. If only there was encouragement and reassurances from people who’d walked this path before me. Where the salvation wasn’t an unfaithful husband who learned monogamy like a 12-step program. And the “prize” was a cheater’s ambivalent “love.”
So I built it. Years out of that escape, I did an online brain dump of everything I’d learned and didn’t think I needed any more.
I turns out a lot of other people needed this information. They too were sick of being blamed for sh*t they don’t control.
I wrote a book, and drew some snarky unicorn cartoons. An agent, who liked the cartoons, but didn’t understand a thing about infidelity, picked it up. (“Not your mother’s self-help” and “bastard child of genres” were not easy sells.) The subject matter was dark. I was swear-y. Getting this thing published was a miracle, and honestly, if I couldn’t draw pictures, it probably wouldn’t have happened at all.
There was nothing else like it on the market back then.
That’s not a selling point in publishing. It’s a problem. You have to demonstrated to publishers how your book compares to what’s similar in the marketplace. There was nothing similar. No one was saying these things.
But I knew there was a market for my ideas, because I’d already tried them out on this blog. I discovered people were hungry for this narrative, because they’d lived this nightmare too and found the Reconciliation Industrial Complex wasn’t telling their story either. And I knew there was a marketplace for my ideas, because I self-published a book first and it went #1 on Amazon in divorce the first day it was for sale, and stayed there for a week.
I had to show the gatekeepers we existed.
And now it’s 20 years later and here we are.
I’m still the minority point of view. But look how far we’ve moved the needle on “double lives are abuse.” Look how many of you mighty people have left cheaters and built glorious new lives.
So, on this auspicious day, tell me how you left that cheater and gained that life. Tell the gatekeepers.
Thank you so much, Chump Nation.
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Just FYI I believe the audio book comes out on September 15. But the book is available now.
Change my life! I was already in the process of divorce but still believed so much of the slop fed my way. Like he was “broken.” Once I read the book I was able to see the manipulation and drew clear boundaries and I gained a life! I am forever thankful!!!
I was the proverbial frog in boiling water. The devaluation, gaslighting, financial abuse, etc. started right after we were married. After 7 years, I had a D-day. Everything in me wanted to get away from him but he was military and we were thousands of miles from the mainland U.S. I had no place to go and logistics prevented me from getting away. My favorite priest even counseled me that these people don’t change and leaving him would be in my best interest.
I felt compelled to try counseling and got stuck in the RIC. Encouraged to pick me dance and told all the ways my inadequacies caused him to cheat. I never felt the same. I was so unsettled. I felt like I could no longer be myself and needed to be a Stepford wife to keep him from cheating again.
Time wore on. We moved back to the mainland U.S. and klootzak suddenly became interested in us having children. I was 40. In hindsight, he knew I had better job prospects and could leave. A child would trap me better. So after going through IVF, I became pregnant. At 7 months pregnant, I had another D-day. And honestly, that was the day I stopped loving him. Because how sick is it to cheat on your pregnant wife?
His controlling behavior escalated off the charts. A babysitter who encountered him a few times and who had history with a NPD ex suggested maybe klootzak was a narc. She loaned me books about NPD and found klootzak checked all the boxes.
Klootzak suggested that we should move 4.5 hours away and then I should find my own place to live. I asked him if he meant divorce and he said yes since I clearly wanted one. I told him I hadn’t thought such a thing and he said he felt so unloved. It was crazy. I asked him to explain this and he couldn’t. I knew then I had to get away. Something was up.
I started a bit of gray rock. I used to tell him all my thoughts and I started shutting that down. I expected he was going to leave me. I never felt agency to leave him. I started researching what my rights were in my state and what military things I needed to know. It was in a former military spouse group on FB that I first was recommended to read LACGAL.
It was like lightning struck. My biggest concern had been my child. It never occurred to me that leaving would benefit my child, not hurt him. I thought hard about what DS was seeing and learning. I didn’t want him walking on eggshells anymore, either. I consulted several attorneys to learn more. Then my final D-day hit. A burner phone filled with evidence. A dream led to me sort out the passcode and I downloaded and printed everything, shuttling it off to my attorney. I hired a PI to bust him and filed for divorce the day the PI report was finalized.
Klootzak, after all his whining about wanting to move to northern Virginia, recused to move out. We were separated in house October 2023 to August 2025. He never made a reasonable offer and was completely unreasonable in mediation. He had the house appraised, insisting it was worth more than it was, and hired a vocational assessor who, after meeting with me and reviewing my resume, education, and job description, determined I could not earn more than I do and I am appropriately employed. Everything klootzak demanded went against him.
We went to trial and had a brand new judge who had never heard a divorce case before ours. In spite of my attorney citing the law which required her to take klootzak’s infidelity into account in distribution of marital assets, she split everything down the middle. We have 50/50 custody and the house was sold. I received a nice amount of spousal support for 7 years and the chils support I receive almost exactly covers DS’s private school tuition.
In spite of some losses, mostly the house, I am OVERJOYED to be away from klootzak. He bought a house 4 blocks down on the same street as me and lives there with the latest. Life is so good without him in it. LACGAL gave me a sense of my own agency. I have zero regrets. I am captaining my own ship quite well minus one FW.
“A dream led to me sort out the passcode…” I, as well as my Chump sister, had dreams that helped us navigate the shite storm of Chumpdom. Somebody up there is looking out for us!
I found Tracy and this site through another fantastic resource on the internet, Infidelity Help Group. After slogging through endless hip-deep reconciliation dreck online and becoming more mired and confused by the day, that site was like finding a water fountain in the middle of the Sahara desert. It was an oasis of sanity that saved me from drowning in the sea of affair “recovery” BS I was finding. I remember a link to Chumplady there and the rest is history.
I just clicked on the articles I saved from there….it looks like the site is gone? Can someone else see if it comes up?
♥️
Congrats, Tracy! This site and your original book has been a lifeline. I look forward to the 2nd edition! When I bought the first edition, despite money being tight and needing to use an account my then-husband didn’t know about as I lined up my financial ducks in the event of a divorce (we were separated), I bought 2 copies. One to keep and lend if needed, and one to donate to the local library.
I’ll forever be grateful that I learned about this blog and your book, which was by reading through a resource list on Gretchen Baskerville’s site – author of The Life-Saving Divorce.
That was after Dday #1 but we were intending on reconciling at the time. I think your blog helped me have the courage to leave my cheater after Dday #2. I had become wiser after Dday #1 and your resources helped sharpen my vision of what was really going on in my marriage.
I wasn’t safe with him and my body knew it when it put me into flight mode on Dday #2. I executed a by-the-minute plan to get out without telling him, which began with going by Lyft to the nearby library, suitcases in hand, when my then-husband stepped out for a haircut. He didn’t learn that I had left until that evening. Thus commenced the hoovering and his keeping track of every “I’m sorry”. With the help of your resources and Chump Nation, I could see that they were just words, used to manipulate.
I found the incredible Tracy through Dr George Simon. I had been directed to his info by a counselor (one of the good ones!) While reading one of Dr Simon’s posts, he mentioned Chump Lady and I immediately checked it out. That was early 2014, I believe. I had already separated from the narcisstic cheater. Finding Chump Lady was what kept me sane through the ensuing crap. Love to all this amazing Nation, as we all ForgeOn! together
Congratulations on the publication of the new edition of your book, Tracy; another huge accomplishment!
I found your book because I found your blog. Chump Lady was the only voice in the ether telling me that I was not the problem and that I don’t have to carry the shame of someone else’s bad behaviour. “Trust that he sucks” is such helpful advice. When I saw my ex for who he is rather than who he presented himself to be, moving on got much easier. I don’t revere a person I don’t respect. I don’t want to still be in that life where I was folded up small because of his ego and interests. No thank you. Life is better now.
I credit Chump Lady-guidance entirely for keeping me sane amid the murk of popular public opinion about cheating, which is so mentally damaging. Many, many thank yous. I try to pass along CL philosophies to newly minted Chumps I meet (while crediting CL and pointing chumps to Chump Lady, of course).
I was browsing in the bookstore divorce section when I picked up your book. I read the chapter titles and was intrigued when I saw “When Your Friends And Relations Just Want To Be Switzerland” and “I Didn’t Kill You So Consider Yourself Forgiven”. Then I read “The Unending Punishment of Breeding With A Fuckwit” and burst out laughing. I had to buy the book! After reading so many RIC books, yours was the first one that actually made sense.
(For the record I followed all the RIC advice and was an excellent wife who bent over backwards to meet his needs and make him happy…and he was happy! But all my efforts could not make him honor his commitments, have a conscience, or keep it in his pants. We can’t control other people’s actions, as you have said.)
My cheater did almost all the things you discuss in your book. And your reasoning about why it was wrong and why I shouldn’t put up with it was the first time I’d come across that advice (which is a crazy statement about how our culture feels about infidelity). What you said spoke directly to my experiences, especially “stupid shit cheaters say.” So much of the confusion created by my husband’s gaslighting and lies began to disappear and I could look at his behavior more objectively. It’s hard to think rationally when you are going through the worst time of your life. I am grateful to you and your amazing book because it was just what I needed to help me think clearly. I left my cheater and gained a new and happy life. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
Thank you, Tracy, for all you have done for us. The link seems to take me to the original LACGAL book I bought on Amazon, but will try again in a few days since I’d love to purchase the 10th anniversary edition, read the new content, and of course, help give back to you.
I came across chumplady.com while endlessly Googling RIC sites, trying to unravel the skein, and finding nothing that made sense… until I came across your site. That didn’t save me from pick-me dancing and trying wreck-conciliation for over a year, but that was my fault. Your message and perspective is the only advice site I came across that made sense. It helped me decide that enough was enough, my FW’s behavior was unacceptable to me, and that it was in my children’s best interest for me to enforce boundaries, demonstrate to them to not stay in an abusive relationship, and to be the sane parent in their lives.
There’s nothing remarkable about my FW other than how unoriginal she was in following the same script they all use. Of course the emotional affair she admitted to was physical along with being the tip of the iceberg of other affairs both before and after.
I followed your advice and provided the other guy’s wife the kindness to let her know about the affair along with links to your site and a few of your articles. I hope it helped her decide how to proceed.
Unfortunately a coworker recently discovered infidelity in his marriage, so I gifted him the book. I will continue to gift it to friends confiding in me about their D-Days or those in the marriage-police stage because they suspect affairs.
Your message and views need to be the first thing a person reads rather than the other RIC BS that exists.
I don’t think it is hyperbole to say this book saves lives, that Tracy’s work saves lives. The audiobook in my ears is what put me to sleep those early, excruciating months after D-day knowing that cheater had left me and moved on with the OW like I never existed after 11 years together. I lost my home, my stepdaughter, my dog, my neighborhood, my in-laws. And I didn’t get to leave – he did. I have gained a life! I have a beautiful home that I share with my adult sons. I garden, take care of dogs, spend time with my family and friends, and continue working in my career that I had before cheater, and have now after cheater. My life is peaceful. My cheater always mistreated my sons (his stepsons) during our marriage to the point I was already considering and researching divorce but he beat me to it I guess (maybe he found out I was researching?). But when he left me, I was in pain because despite all his disorder, we were very close and spent a lot of time together, although he was often hot and cold, and had very weird periods that I eventually got used to. My gaining a life is the peace my sons and I feel not being devalued, gaslighted, and treated like third class citizens all the time. Now I give my time and energy to people who actually love and appreciate me. Thank you Tracy!
I didn’t find CL until I was newly divorced. Someone in my divorce support group mentioned it. That was early 2020.
Oh, my! To use biblical terminology, it was balm to my soul. I also found a Divorce Minister at the same time. Different aspects of the same thing, in my case.
I went to Chumpalooza some years back and loved experiencing what we do here in person. I had hoped to go to the book launch, but a major conflict came up this week that I need to attend to. To those who can go — ENJOY!
I still hang out here because I need the reminders. They keep me grounded and emotionally healthy.
But yes, CONGRATULATIONS on the new and improved!
One of my bosses at my 2nd job knew about what I had gone through. I had already left him. I was just trying to survive in my new normal. The next day I got the the book on audiobook. Everything was an affirmation of how I felt and now I’m living my happily ever FW free.
I can’t remember if I found the website or the book first. The biggest impact for me was to see that FWs, including my own, do and say the EXACT SAME THINGS, it’s uncanny, and that other chumps have made it out and are thriving. Knowing you are not alone during such a devastating time is a gift. I too recommend the book and website frequently, trying to play it forward.
Tracy, we all say it regularly, but once again: you have contributed so much to so many people’s health and well-being. Congratulations on the decennial, and thank you!
In the first week after my Dday I scrabbled to understand wtaf was going on. I googled and googled aspects of my situation. I didnt even have words yet of ‘double life, betrayal, coercive control’ just a lot of emerging data and a load of lies blasted at me daily.
I was desperately trying to find practical voices who were as angry as I was. I was not going to take the blame for this man a minute longer.
At one point, on a Mumsnet forum an old thread mentioned ‘ChumpLady’.
By day 7 I had read the book, had the works to articulate what I was going through.
I kicked that Motherf*ckers ass each time he tried to screw me over. And he tried and tried and tried. It took me nearly 18 months to get him out of (what is now) my house.
I know I would have got there no matter what, but your book, forum and blog meant I knew I wasn’t alone. And I survived that hell (and protected my child) in one piece.
Thank you Tracey and the world of mighty mighty chumps that you gave space for.
I found you by Googling “why do people abandon their families.” It was less than a week after I had discovered the affair and my therapist had told me “cheating is an attempt to SAVE the relationship” and handed me a copy of Esther Perel. I was still in the crying and dry heaving stage.
I had been taking 100% of the responsibility for everything that went wrong in marriage for almost a decade, and that hadn’t saved my marriage, so I was ready for a new approach.
Found your book from there.
Are you getting royalties for the new edition? I seem to remember that you didn’t get paid for sales on the old one.