How Do You Survive Litigation Abuse?
Her mother is the victim of a protracted divorce and she wants to know how people survive litigation abuse. It’s year four and he’s determined to leave them nothing.
***
Dear Chump Lady,
I’m writing to you not as a chump, but as the adult daughter of a chump. My mom, whom I love more than anyone else in the world, has been divorcing my absolute a-hole of a father for roughly 4 years.
To make matters worse, he is determined to leave her with nothing.
It’s a sickening situation all around.
We have lawyers working on her case, which I hope will end soon, although it’s by no means guaranteed. In the meanwhile, my biological father has filed multiple other erroneous lawsuits in his coordinated abuse campaign. I am helping her cover the fees and trying to be her emotional anchor throughout all of this, but it’s tough.
I firmly refuse to encourage any “woe is me” behavior, but the truth is that my mom’s situation is especially horrible. She gave up everything for this man, built her life and financial stability around him, and now it’s all perished. He took the money, took the friends, and even ended up canceling her health insurance knowing that she cannot afford it by herself. She has been out of the workforce for a long time, so finding a new job isn’t easy either.
He flaunts his money, his lifestyle, and his new bimbo girlfriend all over social media and it’s killing her on the inside.
I can see how much her emotional wellbeing has deteriorated with the unholy trinity of emotional, financial, and litigation abuse suffocating her.
Unsurprisingly, my mom is hopeless and angry. She doesn’t see an end to her loneliness or unhappiness. She deeply hates herself and blames herself for what has happened. I am trying my best to support her and love her as her daughter, but lately, even that hasn’t been enough.
I need advice from yourself and Chump Nation, especially those who have been through genuinely dire divorces.
How did you do it?
How did you rebuild your life from scratch after the end of a long-term marriage? Or how did you meet new people, make new friends, and find beauty in life while (or after) divorcing a crazy POS?
There’s generic advice on the internet, but I could really use some real, lived experiences from actual people who can offer their wisdom. I want to do whatever I can to help my mom, and I refuse to believe that one mediocre white man with a midlife crisis can take everything away from us. I refuse to give up hope after everything.
Thank you for listening.
Sincerely,
Looking for Hope
***
Dear Looking for Hope,
Ask your mom to join our community, please. We can help her with the dark thoughts and the self-blame in real time, because we’ve lived it. Peer support is crucial, because as much as you love her, you don’t know what it’s like to invest so deeply in someone and be betrayed so horrifically. With chumps all over the world, there’s always a willing ear in every time zone where she can trauma dump to a kind stranger who gets it.
I firmly refuse to encourage any “woe is me” behavior, but the truth is that my mom’s situation is especially horrible.
Reframe this from “woe is me” to abuse.
Your mom is being abused. Litigation abuse is abuse. It should not take four years to get a divorce.
She needs to understand that she didn’t do anything to make him cheat on her or drag out a divorce. It’s what FWs do. It’s about control. They punish you for staying, and they punish you for leaving. Womenslaw.org is a good resource. Check out their definition:
What is litigation abuse ?
When a victim ends an abusive relationship, the abuser may try to keep power and control by misusing the court system against the victim. For example, the abuser might:
- file repeated petitions or motions without a legal reason to do so;
- try to delay the process by asking to postpone one or many court dates (adjournments);
- appeal the judge’s orders without a legal reason to do so;
- serve you with inappropriate demands; or
- take other actions that make you go to court again and again.
Does your legal team recognize this as abuse? Are they experienced in high-conflict divorces? I’m not a lawyer, I can’t give legal advice, I’m just a woman with a blog. But I can tell you from personal experience and two divorces — both with litigation abuse and post-separation abuse — that there’s not much awareness out there.
And there should be. Because it lifts the burden of “This is my personal problem/failure and I’m navigating it all wrong, and that’s why it keeps happening” to “This is a deliberate form of coercive control. And I am very right and justified in leaving this freak.”
I spent a decade being sued for custody by a mentally ill man. It wasn’t until many years later, when I was working for Washington Lawyer magazine and interviewing a family law lawyer that I heard the term “litigation abuse”.
THAT’S A THING? IT HAS A NAME?
Then she said something casually like “over 90 percent of cases settle, they don’t go to trial.” I was dragged into court over and over and over again. My cases never settled. No one, included my own lawyer, told me this was abnormal. I chalked it up to my first ex’s mental illness, I didn’t see his actions through the lens of coordinated abuse.
That lens matters.
Unsurprisingly, my mom is hopeless and angry. She doesn’t see an end to her loneliness or unhappiness. She deeply hates herself and blames herself for what has happened.
Right now, she’s raging at herself, when she should be directing those feelings at her abuser. Using the anger as fuel. She won’t feel overwhelmed and angry every day, but while she’s deep in the fight, she needs outrage at the injustice to keep her going. That’s not “woe is me” — it’s self-preservation.
A good lawyer should help.
Lawyers are not therapists, but the good ones should give perspective and reassurance.
he is determined to leave her with nothing.
A good lawyer would tell you “People in hell want a cold drink of water.” Just because he has demands, does not mean the court has to accommodate them.
Blowing past deadlines, dragging out filings, causing more work for the court, is a bad look to judges. Just keep your hands clean. I’d tell your mom to do everything in her power not to come off as A Woman Scorned. She’s a reasonable woman trying to get a reasonable settlement off an unreasonable man. If your legal team isn’t helping end this nightmare, I’d consider shopping for new lawyers who can wrap this up.
He took the money, took the friends, and even ended up canceling her health insurance knowing that she cannot afford it by herself.
Again, I’m not a lawyer, but I’d wonder where the emergency support orders are. By law, he cannot take the money or cancel her insurance. And if he does those things, a lawyer can get an emergency order before the divorce is settled to REVERSE that.
Fight back.
I know it’s exhausting. Exhaustion is a tactic. You just have to get through it.
He flaunts his money, his lifestyle, and his new bimbo girlfriend all over social media and it’s killing her on the inside.
Screen shot it and send it to the attorney. “Your honor, FW can afford a trip to Cabo but not insurance for his wife. Exhibit A.”
But beyond weaponizing his idiocy, your mother should NOT look at his social media. No contact is the fastest track to healing. The Other Woman isn’t special, she’s next. Dragging out a divorce is a good way to destabilize her too. It’s what FWs do. No one is special. Stop tuning in.
How did we rebuild?
How did you rebuild your life from scratch after the end of a long-term marriage? Or how did you meet new people, make new friends, and find beauty in life while (or after) divorcing a crazy POS?
Those stories are all over this blog. Check the archives for every “Tell Me How You’re Mighty” post. Listen to our podcast. The pain is finite and the new life is sweet.
But right now your mom is in the middle of the pain and perspective is hard. I built this place to give people like your mom hope that there’s a better life on the other side.
And there is.
That decade I spent being sued? Horrific. I’ll never get the money back. And my son’s FW still owes me child support. But my son is grown into a fine young man. He’s married, we’re close, and he almost never sees his “bio dad.” He considers Mr. CL his parent. The person given the honor of having raised him. We’re the parents he’s close to, who see him at holidays, who sat at the family table at his wedding. His bio dad is some embarrassing creature at the edges of his life. I’ll take the win.
The second freak who made me Chump Lady. He’s on to some other victim. I don’t know. But that nightmare was the hard blessing that set me on a new life. I won this amazing community. I get beautiful letters from people who’ve moved on and tell me how much CN helped them. Not every person is a FW. There are so many other worthy people to tune into.
Right now the FW has the channel flipped exclusively to him.
He floods her zone. Fills her with anxiety and fear. Him, him, him.
My best advice is focus elsewhere and f*ck him.
CN — what do you say? How’d you survive?
Discover more from ChumpLady.com
Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.
The image with this post is from a painting I saw on my Italy trip, by baroque painter Elizabeth Sirani. (Who died at age 27.) It depicts Timoclea pushing the Roman soldier who assaulted her down a well. Seemed fitting for today.
The woman’s face in that painting is priceless, as if to say, “And down, you go!”
As soon as I saw the image and even before I read the rest of this post, I just had to google Elisabetta Sirani. What struck me first was seeing her signature on the painting, and then I read that she painted in public sessions to dispel any speculation that it wasn’t she who created these magnificent paintings of strong women. Pretty remarkable for the 17th century, even though she lived in progressive Bologna, which produced other noted female painters.
Thank you, CL, for giving me so many interesting things to ponder as I go about my day.
And now to read the rest of the post…
I’m so sorry to hear what your mum is going through. I went through a similar situation a decade ago and am now thriving. I echo Tracy’s advice about finding a lawyer who recognizes and understands litigation abuse. I spent way too much money on legal fees while my ex FW used to legal system to prolong the ordeal and not pay me child and spousal support. Yes, document everything and tell your mum to take care of her physical body and nervous system as best she can: prioritize sleep, exercise (even just walking and some strength training), eating simple but healthy food. Taking care of herself in these ways will help her get through this battle and also ready her to live her best life when this hell is over. This will end but in the meantime she needs to stay strong. The “friends” were not good ones—she needs to make no ones. Can she find a free hobby like a walking group or craft group where she can meet new friends? The job thing is brutal: is there any low-cost training lr certificate she can get to gain a new skill? This will also look good in court. I am happier and mightier than ever a decade out and have three amazing adult daughters. I rent a small apt but have a big life with work, hobbies and friends. My loser ex lives in a huge house with an on-again-off-again twit who plays sick pick-me games around the holidays against my daughters. It’s fair to say I won :). You sound like am amazing daughter: sending you and your mum love and mojo!
We ended up hiring a new lawyer a little less than a year ago who has been a much stronger advocate for my mom than the previous one. It’s still an uphill battle, but my mom feels much more listened to and supported by her new counsel, and things have actually started to pick up pace now.
I will have to do a bit more research on the skills/training thing to be completely honest with you, but there’s definitely outdoor groups/hobbies that I think she would enjoy. I will definitely offer to go with her if she would like that, as I know she sometimes finds these things a bit daunting at first.
As for your ex, sounds like no house size will ever fill the emptiness in his soul. I hope it was worth blowing up his family for (sarcasm).
Sending you so much love too, and thank you for the inspiring words 🙂
Help connect your Mom directly to this blog, including any updating of computer skills available at many libraries, etc.
Offer her the contact info for the local domestic abuse agency for trauma informed individual and group therapy.
Locate free (video) and in-person low cost exercise classes.
Accompany her to a doctor’s appointment if she has untreated depression or anxiety.
Be cognizant of your own emotions and language as you emphasize what can and can not be controlled.
Love all of these suggestions! Strangely enough, the local domestic abuse agency near us supposedly doesn’t deal with financial/economic abuse primarily, but I’ve reached out to other great women’s rights orgs. At the very least, it’s time to raise awareness about this very real issue for too many women.
I have showed her this blog and ordered a copy of CL’s book. She’s slowly getting into it, and I’m sure it will help.
As for the doctor, she doesn’t currently have health insurance and we can’t afford out of pocket, but I’m trying to concoct a plan to add her onto my insurance plan, or something like that. Fingers crossed.
I had to delete the other comment. Remember I have to deal with Google bot censors.
A FW will always be a FW. Just sorry that you and your mother have to go through this. My ex tried a lot of this and then some but finally was called to the carpet. He was hiding assets and spending money like crazy. I got every dollar back that he spent on Schmoopie plus a nice cash settlement and a bit more than half the assets. He was in literal tears after finding out he had to pay for the forensic accountant and part of my legal fees as well. Hopefully the poster mom will get a judge like I had who cannot tolerate using their courtroom for his abusive nonsense.
I am almost four years out and doing really well. Although it seems like forever, the process ends eventually. Counseling and medications can help through the tough part. It will end.
Oh and the forensic accountant is brilliant. My mom has now ran that idea past the lawyers so hopefully that yields a similarly good result!
I had to get the forensic accountant after I started finding things on One Drive (he didn’t realize that One Drive was shared😂). He had a lot going to Schmoopie per month (roughly 8K per month, not including other purchases, vacations and so on that he used joint assets for). I combed through a lot of stuff to start the accountant with which probably helped keep the actual money spent on his services lower. It was well worth it especially since FW repeatedly mention that he was going to make sure I was broke(more stuff on the shared drive). Fortunately, he failed. I had a great attorney (she was pregnant and very angrily hormonal at the time which helped).
He didn’t realize that the one drive was shared?? 🤣 Wow. The devil is in the details 🤣 These narcissistic types really overestimate their intelligence huh?
So happy you had an amazing, and as you said, angrily hormonal attorney. Stories like these give me hope and comfort.
Sweet delicious man child tears 🤣🤣 I hope you don’t mind that I’m taking pleasure in your ex’s crying.
BIG congratulations on securing that outcome first of all! It doesn’t erase the pain of past trauma but it sure sounds like a smidge of redemption. I am so happy to hear that you made it out to the other side, thriving and free of that FW.
There’s not many low cost counselling options in our area but I will keep looking!
I got lots of joy from the tears!!! Of course he could cry at the drop of the hat and manage to look like a poor lost soul, but yeah after the crap he put me through I rather enjoyed his tearfulness.🫣
How great that your ex had to pay for the forensic accountant! I could not afford a forensic accountant, and it never occurred to me to ask my lawyer to ask the court to order him to pay for one. He had stolen my non-marital assets and hidden a lot of the marital assets for at least ten years. My attorneys could have done much better for me.
Reading here every day is the number one thing that made a huge difference in my recovery from being hit by the infidelity (abuse!) freight train. I’m not aware of any other experienced truth-spewing support group in the world on this experience.
The other pit crew members were excellent therapist, good lawyer, and trusted friends.
A support pit crew is essential! We do not fight the kraken alone!
Another resource I used is The Center for Domestic Peace, which is my local domestic violence prevention organization. They offer legal assistance. I’ll bet they would have some ideas about where to help in your area. Please call!
Thank you so much for the thoughtful suggestions and kind words. Absolutely agree that having a support crew is vital, and definitely something that’s been lacking in my mom’s and my strategy. More bearable does NOT mean easier as you said, but it’s so important in keeping you afloat.
Google “Center for Domestic Peace” for their contact information. A toll-free number will pop up first.
♥️
I’ve said this before (and gotten shot at by misinterpreters…)
It’s easier to navigate trauma with staff.
This DOES NOT mean LESS PAINFUL.
This means PEOPLE HELPING
with the TASKS
of everyday living, divorce, recovery, healing, rebuilding, is easier than being on one’s own trying to do all those TASKS by oneself.
If you were in the ICU (which emotionally you are!) you want to be there WITH nurses and doctors, instead of without them, having to change your own bedding, gowns, feeding yourself, managing your medication, bathing yourself, etc.
Trusted people helping you is essential to getting through trauma.
♥️
I spent a year going through post-divorce litigation abuse. I am thankful it was only a year. After the divorce was final he dragged me back to court approximately once a month for an entire year over custody issues. I ended up changing lawyers after the divorce. I gave my new one a copy of the book “Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder” by Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger. I told him that I couldn’t pay him for his time to read the book, but that he might find it helpful in dealing with the ex. My new lawyer must have read it from cover to cover because he gave very helpful advice.
When I was choosing a new attorney I spoke to a different lawyer who did not do divorces, but he knew a lot of lawyers. He gave me a couple of names and told me a little bit about them. I chose the one that I thought would be most intimidating to the ex. This man was very kind and compassionate. Tell your mom that the best way to find a new lawyer is to get a recommendation from a lawyer.
The ex eventually decided that our oldest daughter (college student) was bad-mouthing him to her younger siblings and he threatened HER with litigation. So I posted on social media that I may have to hire an attorney for her, too. I had never mentioned to anyone abut the abuse that I was suffering, but threatening my child was the last straw. That post embarrassed him. Narcissists don’t do well with embarrassment. Suddenly, he stopped dragging me back to court. Lawyers always tell you to keep your legal issues off of social media because it’s too easy to mess up your case. But in this case, public humiliation is what ended that particular form of abuse.
Later, when our youngest child was still in high school, the ex decided it was fine for him to stop paying child support AND alimony because our youngest had turned 18 and promptly stopped going to visitation with his sperm donor. I was in a financial position to let it ride for several months until my son graduated. I didn’t want to mess up the status quo for my son.
After graduation I took the ex to court for all the back pay. He claimed that he was perfectly reasonable ending alimony because I was cohabiting with an adult male. Referring to our older son. The judge reamed him out over that. Asked him if he was claiming there was some kind of incestuous relationship going on. Told him he had a week to pay all of the money owed in full plus my lawyer’s fees. Of course the jerk took 8 or 9 days. Because he’s a jerk. But he had the means to pay it all with no problem.
So, for me, ending litigation abuse with a narcissist came down to humiliation. He really, really hated being publicly humiliated.
They use the only leverage they can to make your life difficult (financial abuse), they are image control freaks, and they make up downright delusional and inflammatory lies- in other words, what I’m noticing is that all of these narcissists have the exact same modus operandi. Looks like cruelty is very unoriginal at its core.
It’s a relief to hear that the judge did NOT entertain your ex’s disgusting comment about your son. We need more judges like that …
Thank you for sharing your story.
My FW commited DV in our home in front of a teenaged son. My attorney got a temporary restraining order that stipulated that she had to stay away from our house, could not see our kids and had her wages garnished for child support. That changed her attitude, especially because she felt humiliated at her workplace. She liked to feel she was on the moral and ethical high ground and being outed as a FW caused her world to crash.
Omg these men! Mine was paying a whopping $550/month to support our teen son. Son got a part time job at a pizza place; ex immediate demanded to stop paying child support!!! Son had just turned 16!!!
These same parents are the kind to then complain about “parental alienation.”
“It came one of nowhere!”
My FW starting claiming parental alienation within weeks of abandoning (!) me and his children. Meanwhile, I was in shock and didn’t know where he was or what he was doing. He disappeared and didn’t see his kids. He’s stuck with it ever since, laying the blame for his abandoning his children on me.
His lawyer had her claws into him. She knew that parental alienation was red meat to him and dreadful to me. I’ll never forget the first time I spoke to her. Very early days. I got her on the phone, thinking, “thank god, now I’ll be able to discuss this situation of dealing with an irrational, deluded person with a professional who has experience in these kinds of situations”. Instead, she launched into a tirade and raised her voice! I was shocked! I stayed calm and polite and persisted, trying to explain, and she hung up on me! Again, this is someone with a big law firm, established, with years of experience, good press, etc. As you commented, it was clear to me that the bar association would close ranks and there was no recourse. The first of a chain of progressively worse heart-sinking moments. They were going to control me by threatening to take away my children. Honestly, women lawyers who collaborate with dads and terrorize mothers by going along with the parental alienation are despicable.
I played the game, was meek and polite and cooperative while the abandoning ex was a furnace-blast of vitriol and lies, for years. The law had identified my core vulnerability, my love for my children, and weaponized it. Money versus children. It wins every time in a patriarchy.
My efforts to be “classy” and reasonable and fair were made a mockery of. The ex was a sh*tshow and did whatever he wanted: cried in meetings, was rude and unreasonable and demanding, screamed at his kid, smeared me, sent no money — in short, luxuriated in the most uncontrolled, self-indulgent, gleeful, lie-bedecked, unhinged and shameless ego-trip, for years with no consequences. His lawyers went along with it all. Stood by and held the gas can as an insane man burnt down his life.
He’s also threatened, on various occasions, to sue me for defamation and harassment. Basically, everything he’s done, he’s gotten his lawyer to accuse me of doing. The idea is to keep you broke, scared, and gaslighted.
A light came on for me the day I realized the lawyers had much more natural sympathy for his point of view (career/money prioritized; facts can be reshuffled and/or ignored; morality is not a factor) than mine.
“Kids are resilient” is a pernicious phrase I heard many times from family law practitioners. Well, yes, but they depend on us adults to protect them. It’s not appropriate to use this as a rationale to inflict unnecessary harm on them to spare the feelings of negligent, abandoning parents. Apparently kids are resilient, but angry dads’ feelings must be accommodated.
The bogus (and rampant) practice of vicious, self-justifying, negligent fathers falsely claming parental alienation, prioritizes the feelings of angry men over the safety and well-being of women and children. The courts should never have admitted this as a concept. It’s practically unqualifiable and unprovable. It forces the custodial parent to shut up. It’s a big money-maker for the RIC, a little mini-industry within.
I just hated the pressure placed on me by the lawyers to gaslight my children and force them to carry the burden of confusion. It made me miserable. It also made me afraid to talk to my children about what was going on, which didn’t help any of us. I was perfectly capable of exercising my judgment and discussing the situation sensitively with my kids, but the completely false allegations gagged me, to their detriment. I know there are thousands of women every day who are bullied by lawyers and the courts into playing along with this farce.
Let the fathers who haven’t done their duty, who have been poor, absent fathers and husbands, pay, not their children! Women and children shouldn’t be forced to perform this lie to spare men’s feelings and image. It also disrespects men who actually are good fathers.
Two tools of the patriarchy: NDAs and Parental Alienation allegations.
Excellent point. FW covert narcissist like many FW literally seems to care about nothing except Impression Management and it’s useful at times fighting the monster
I know I was so fortunate to have quite by accident hired a really good lawyer. This was back in the early part of 1990. Legal help wasn’t as out of reach for the average person then as it is now. My only requirement was that the lawyer could not be located in my city, because my ex was a Police Officer and deeply involved in politics. In my confused head, I didn’t want anyone who was involved with them.
So my friend was working for a real estate lawyer and she got me a referral to a lawyer in the next city.
My closest friend used the same lawyer her cheating ex did and they screwed her into poverty. My Former Wanderer of course wanted me to use his lawyer; but I said no thanks. Then he told me my problem was I couldn’t think for myself. My response was “yep, that is why I hired someone qualified to do it for me”.
I agree with CL, this is dragging on too long. I find myself wondering if her law firm is milking money for as long as they can.
Also, it is a horrible situation; but the chump needs to make sure she is not trying to recoup too much. I don’t mean that in an insulting way. But, again a good lawyer will sit you down and say this is the best you can expect etc.
I think the previous law firm was definitely milking it for their own gain, not to mention that communication was sporadic (except when it came to billing, LOL). Our new legal counsel is much more responsive, compassionate, and ethical. I appreciate that a lawyer is not a therapist, although it is so much better when the person representing you also sees you as a human rather than a steady paycheck.
The new lawyer gave us a realistic picture of what we can ask for/prove,etc. The only problem is that we are dealing with a very UNREALISTIC, borderline delusional defendant.
I hope it is resolved soon. It is a horrible thing to endure.
My sweet granddaughter is going through it now. Long story, but basically he moved to another state to take a job and pay off the debt he ran up. She gave him money to pay off the lease on their apartment and she found out he didn’t do it. My son paid it off. She closed the credit card and he promised he would get some money saved etc, kept sweet talking her. Last straw a few weeks ago she got a call from a cc company that the bills on her credit card are not being paid. Turns out he got another one and put it under her name. She closed it of course; and she finally told her mom and dad she was ready to file.
I can’t remember all the details, but he has been served by mail I believe, and electronically. He gets thirty days to respond, if not the lawyer will have him served by someone in that state. Of course it will cost, but my son will pay to get rid of him. If he does not respond after he is served, it will after the time lapses go to the judge. In their case there are no assets, just about 3 thousand dollars in debt. She has agreed to pay the debt, (no use fighting over that, he won’t pay it anyway), and as soon as the gravel hits she can drop his medical insurance, which is carried via her job. Legally they were separated the day she filed, so as of that day any debts they incur will be their own. His not responding does not change that.
The lawyer said he can’t force her to stay married to him. It is a lot easier for them because they have been married less than five years and there are no assets to split.
He was warned in both mediums that he has to get his own medical insurance in 30 days.
Bless your granddaughter. I am so sorry that she has to endure this. Her FW/soon to be exFW sounds like a professional conman. Does he hide under different identities? Has he done this to another woman in the past? Maybe I’m being dramatic but the truth is we often have no idea who the person we thought we loved is until something like this happens.
Thank goodness she has you, her parents, and just family in general to be there for her.
Sending love and strength to you and your granddaughter.
This happened to me. Spent every penny I had and liquidated assets. And he and his lawyer still kept going after me. It is very tough. Chump Lady was a game-changer for me. It helped me understand what was happening and that it happens to a lot of people.
The answer is to release expectations that a lawyer or the courts will make it fair and make it make sense. This kept me going and spending — that is, hoping — for far too long. The hard truth is, the system is built to enable litigation abuse. (Are there other areas of law so ripe for exploitation, that tolerate this kind of behavior? I can’t think of any.)
I spent five years basically at the mercy of different law practices, who in many instances operated without oversight, integrity (yes, there was professional courtesy and restraint, but common sense, reasonableness and decency were too often not in evidence), or accountability, billed for emails and phone calls and the odd letter.
Usually if you can identify what the other party wants, there is the possibility to negotiate. But if the counterparty is irrational and willing to harm themselves and their children in order to harm you, there is no negotiating. Why we as a society tolerate this really deserves a good look.
My ex’s schmoopie was his third lawyer. He finally found someone that would accept his victim/great dad story, take all his calls, and join him in gaslighting and lying (“yes, the financials are complete!” “He did too pay the bills!” “You are attacking my client!”), as long as he kept paying her bills. And yes, her social media makes her look great.
In retrospect, it seems to me, the way to handle this is to name it (litigation abuse by a disordered person), completely accept that the outcome will suck, and cut ties with every person who is not firmly on your side and sane. Don’t trust your lawyers to act in your best interest. The lawyers on both sides are making money off this and they don’t — can’t — care very much. They are working with chainsaws. This can be hard to take after you’ve been rejected by someone you trusted and are looking for help. But just like you shouldn’t run after the person who betrayed you, you shouldn’t transfer that hope and trust to another stranger out of desperation.
I went through this for five years and maybe I was unlucky, but I did not come across any good, effective lawyers. I did encounter a LOT of disordered lawyers! Try to give the entire legal schmozzle your minimum attention and energy. It’s cruder and baser and dirtier than you imagined.
Your mom has to get through this to get to the other side.
This is a feature, not a bug, of our courts and I couldn’t help but see it as punishment of women, sorry, but that’s what it feels like to me.
I remember going through CL posts, trying to find out “how LONG? How LONG do I have to live through this despair and agitation??”. For me, it took about five years. (It’s not coming from you, it’s coming from them, and the farther away you get, the better you’ll feel.)
Just keep being nice to your mom. That will help the most.
The system absolutely is built to enable litigation abuse, completely agree with you. It is misogynistic, archaic, and a bureaucratic hell hole. Imagine if commercial/corporate courts operated with such inefficiency …
It’s a damning societal statement on how we view and treat women.
I hear you when it comes to not trusting a lawyer out of desperation. My mom and I are definitely weary of this after our experience with the last one.
I think we both have accepted that the final outcome could go either way. However, just the fact that we tried is some sort of satisfaction. Maybe we will lose everything, but if we do, it will be because a judge said so, not because abusive FW said so. Not a huge win per se, but a small one nonetheless.
I think you are right. All of the laws and systems in place I have encountered when it has come to a women leaving a man is straight up antiquated mysoginistic garbage. It’s almost like women and children are just a possessions of a man and that no man should ever be parted from his possessions no matter how horribly he abused them. And if a women decides to get uppity and leave she should not only be punished for it but made an example of to prevent others from leaving as well.
I have an interstate issue that has federal laws it needs to follow to because of recognized patterns of misinterpretation at a local levels. UCCJEA explicitly states the necessity of following these procedures and why they need to be strictly adhered to with precedence being set decades ago. My initiating state is pretty good at following these laws overall. ExFWs responding state is straight garbage. They don’t follow their own state laws let alone federal laws. A few years ago a responding state judge decided that his cherry picked interpretation of the word and/ or held more weight than mountains of evidence and a legal precedence previously set.
(His third lawyer wasn’t literally his schmoopie, they weren’t sleeping together. But that was the dynamic, it reminded me of the descriptions on here of the vindictive affair partners who attack chumps.)
Why did FW keep all the friends? Were there zero compassionate real friends in her life? Or did she play into his hands by keeping quiet about the infidelity?
Only see trauma therapists who see infidelity as abuse. The mom is already blaming herself and RIC types would make it worse not better.
What helped me reclaim pieces of myself was connecting with people who had known me for a very long time, some before FW, some when I was newlywed, who had seen and known me as a lovely young professional woman. The decades of abuse meant FW promoted his twisted version of me as aging fat ill nagging bad wife nobody would want. I was so beaten down I seriously considered staying in the marriage even after DDay #2, 3,4,5. It helped me to see myself through their eyes, remember myself before abuse made me a shell of a person. Best thing is this also helped me navigate bad lawyers and greedy financial services people who were looking to profit from a vulnerable traumatized person. True friendship is gold.
Those “friends” were materialistic opportunists with 0 backbone now that I think about it in hindsight. Much more convenient to side with the party who’s paying for your dinner, drinks, and entertainment than the aggrieved one. They are morally bankrupt just as much as bio dad / sperm donor.
I guess another factor is my mom’s class. She refused to badmouth him. Refused to address any rumors. Even when he spewed vitriol and malicious lies about her, she never stooped to his level.
She has started reaching out to some old friends from a very long time ago, who are far better and kinder people. I’ve also found a few different walking groups and writing workshops that I will take her to where she can do something she enjoys and hopefully meet some new people.
Taking these steps has felt a lot more daunting than imagined but very much needed. Can’t thank all of you enough for suggesting things like these.
Keeping quiet and calling it ‘class’ is an abusive patriarchal tactic to keep women down.
Obviously if that’s how your mom wants to roll it’s up to her.
I will say this, people will interpret her silence as his stories are true. He’s winning the smear campaign because she lets him.
You mentioned her anger, self blame and sounds like depression. If keeping it all inside is bad for her health, I’d rethink that. Even venting to a trusted therapist is better than.
I have a narcissistic sociopath exH with lots of money. Part of the reason I sang like a bird was the realization that he had considered a fatal accident for me. Then changed his mind. However you know what’s better than impoverishing your aging soon to be ex wife? Keeping all the money and IMAGE because she conveniently died during the divorce process.
My mom is a classy lady who has only ever shown kindness to others. She is not the type to meddle in other people’s misfortune and expects the same level of courtest. Honestly, I cannot fault her for that.
Personally, I find that “she’s letting him win the smear campaign” is a victim-blaming statement that completely ignores the societal sway and power that rich white men have had since the dawn of time. It is an ignorant statement at best, and very hurtful to read, if I am honest with you.
Yes, a therapist is a wonderful option and should not be a luxury, but unfortunately, it currently is in our situation. I am still trying to look for low cost options around our area but there are few and far between.
I am starting year six of litigation abuse (and also alienation from one of my children (1/3 of my heart), who used to call me while shopping just because she wanted company). I was reasonable in mediation; he was not. We proceeded to court before a baby judge who failed to even keep the basic facts of the case straight. I learned that, unless you have extraordinary wealth, no attorney will make the time necessary to mount a case that you know you should be pursuing— they seek to preserve their relationship with the court and their peers at your expense. The court, itself cannot get out of its own way, and getting anything calendared with adversarial attorneys is guaranteed to go out to the latest date the court offers (and then be delayed, repeatedly by opposing counsel, further enabled by the court). The irony is, you are considered divorced, for the purposes of property division, the day the case is served, but your ex then benefits from market appreciation of the home, increases in salary, negligence in paying home repairs/expenses/etc, your free childcare — for YEARS while they drag the case out endlessly.
My divorce was granted after three years; I got hosed in many ways. On the bright side, most of the judge’s errors are easily seen “on the papers;” the not so bright side, is endless appeals (want an appellate attorney? That’ll cost you a retainer of $15K per appeal plus time and expenses when it’s spent, to get the judge’s errors corrected).
I had to pursue dependent adult child support as a follow-on case, because the judge honored my ex’s demands it not be addressed in the divorce trial; despite the petition clearly stating the need and the Florida courts allowing incorporation in the divorce proceedings…That took two years. Of course, he is appealing the award from this case…In all, I have six appeals in-process or under consideration by the Florida appeals court. Recognizing I divorced a narcissist who wants to win at any cost, I chose to represent myself; this is time consuming and fraught because who knows what they don’t know?! But I have not got the financial resources to hire a professional…Apparently my self representation very much upsets opposing counsel, who files myriad motions demanding the court force me to hire an attorney 🤣🤣🤣
When I am not mired in litigation tasks, caring for my disabled child, repairing my elderly home, or otherwise accomplishing life’s basics, I focus on loving myself, my children, my friends (new ones), and my life. I consciously choose to allow only positive thoughts (though sometimes I slip and think, “I positively would like to see ex and his gf reap what they have sown…”). I have remembered who I am, what makes me valuable, what makes me happy, and how to find joy in everything I do (sometimes, I admit, it is the joy of realizing a legal point is going to really injure opposing’s case). I have learned that joy and peace arise when you love yourself first and best. I am 61, independent (though by no means wealthy), and my life is far from what I had imagined over the 37 years of my relationship with the ex; but I recalibrated and realize I love the peace in my home, knowing when and how tasks will get done (or not), sleeping without interruption, eating what and when I prefer, exercising (naked if I feel like it) when I wish, sunning in the yard as I wish, listening to music and media I prefer, etc. Life is good, if you choose to recognize all the big and little blessings and miracles flowing through each moment of every day. Sorry for the long story — I don’t get out much (ex takes his daughter one evening each week); when he does, I ride my motorcycle, and go where there’s a great local band, and dance like no one is watching. Remember we only get one life and it is too short to focus on the negative!
Year SIX of litigation abuse- oh my goodness. It is outrageous that certain places have statute of limitation laws for victims who want to report SA, other forms of physical abuse, DV, etc., but family law litigation abuse is what society has decided to tolerate. Sickening.
Please don’t apologize for the long story- every bit of it was valuable and insightful. It is wonderful to hear that ridding yourself of a FW has given you the freedom to live life on your own terms. It is much easier to enjoy the beauty of small moments and everyday life when you don’t have a demanding d*ckhead breathing down your neck (if you know you know). Cheers to a good night’s sleep, exercising naked, and dancing like there’s no one watching!
NeverBeenBetter,
I felt every word of this. There is no justice in the justice system and for you to single handedly take on an appellate court pro se is a mighty feat. I gave up to easily when it comes to court and it took a long time to fix my picker after ignoring the red flags and giving the benefit of the doubt when it came to hiring attorneys who wound up harming my case.
Laws don’t get changed unless challenged and revised. Hopefully you can set a precedent that can be used for future chumps to reference one day in their own proceedings.
Looking for Hope, that was written so well. Your mother is so lucky to have you listening and advocating for her. The tears and despair must be overwhelming for you, too, so I hope you have someone to listen to and support you. Therapists are handy for that.
My ex also tried to take away everything, and he too had a calculated smear campaign, weaponized the courts, and wanted to leave me with nothing, including my life. Yes. he made attempts. When COVID finally eased, I joined a support group run by a domestic violence center. I would have your mom look into those centers, because she qualifies for their help. They see financial, emotional and judicial abuse part of the circle of abuse, especially since they can occur before and after physical abuse.
I filed right before COVID, and he had systematically reached out to our entire social circle with lies, claiming that he left because I was violent, paranoid, waving a gun around and eager to shoot, so it was best for them to stay away entirely. That separated me from friends when I needed them most, and I had no local family.
What helped me immediately was a divorce support group that met online weekly for about five months due to COVID. Although I wouldn’t recommend the therapist who bought the rights to the course and program, going through a structured divorce survival process with others in the same situation offered incredible support, since we interacted a lot (online) outside of class. Five years later, some are still very connected.
It also helped to have a remarkable therapist who eventually said, “I wish that man would die.” I have a child with special needs and got support from that group. And because he had secretly stolen so many assets, I qualified for case managers from social service agencies, who provided emotional support as well as practical assistance.
Since he’s taking assets and wants her destitute, follow the advice given here by another chump to get the court to order cheater to pay for a forensic accountant.
Thanks for being there for your mom through so much prolonged and calculated stress.
Thank you for sharing your story. I can’t even begin to imagine the pain and betrayal you were put through. Threatening your life, alongside the other horrors he’s inflicted, is bad enough on its own, but when you add a special needs child to the mix who is more vulnerable and in need of protection, it is living hell. So, so unspeakably cruel. I am so sorry. I wish I could give you both a hug. Your baby is lucky to have a mom like you.
Reaching out with lies to your social circle sounds exactly like what my biological father / sperm donor did. It hurt at first, but then I put myself in the shoes of those people and realized I would NEVER take such outrageous accusations at face value from a man without hearing the other side first. It sounds like they accepted those lies all too conveniently. Honestly? It’s like the trash took itself out. Bye!
Wishing you nothing but love and joy going forward.
I wish the same for you and your mom, too.
You were so right in your summation of mediocre white males having their midlife crisis. He decided to quit work at 50 and become a successful singer/songwriter. His business model was James Taylor. Taylor had just come out with a successful new album, and FW printed out the tour, researched the number and prices of seats per venue, guesstimated Taylor’s cut, and expected to make nearly as much. It didn’t seem to occur to him that Taylor had multiple best selling albums and had grown a significant fan base over the decades. FW rarely got to sit in with bands because he wanted all the attention and considered himself above most music and musicians, even though he had a very week singing voice and wrote terrible lyrics about the moon in June and baboons and spoons. He did go back to school and back to work, dropping out from the first and getting fired repeatedly from the second.
Although I was doing extremely well in my high-visibility work, including around two dozen national awards, he always diminished my work publicly, the equivalent of telling people that I liked to run around the block when I was sinning marathons. He ignore my awards completely.
When I filed for divorce, I discovered he’d been claiming he’d won national and international awarda. He claimed to be a medical doctor and a veteran. He claimed he was a rocket science and that he’d earned MBAs from both Harvard and Dartmouth. All of this was fabricated. He convinced a lot of people it was truth. He really got off on Duper’s Delight.
He also loved to brag that he was an astute international businessman, which blew up in his face when I discovered the online relationship with the AP and proved it was a scam in about two minutes. Once I began to recover from his assault and reached out friends, I could show 500 sheets of paper documenting their texts. her photos, and his extravagance on her behalf. Except she was a he, and not at all what he thought. He showed he was a cruel man and gullible scammer. And the “friends” who stuck by him showed me they weren’t who I thought, no matter who they pretended to be.
Healing took longer than I expected. He succeeded in pushing me from upper middle class to near poverty, and I had complete custody, too. Tween is anow a teen and I’m finally able to do things I enjoy, for myself. For years I marveled that some chumps ended up living their best lives. It took five years before I could say that I enjoy life far more now than before.
I hope your mom gets there, too.
Ok, I am now starting to get spooked out by the sheer number of common personality traits that these freaks share. My bio dad used to sign his emails off with MBA and MSc even though he only ever had a bachelor’s… his justification? “Well I studied for 5 years which would be a Master’s in every other country.” Yeah. You studied for 5 years because you failed a year, dude…
Sounds like your FW doesn’t like feeling “inferior” or threatened by anyone else’s success. What a sad little sausage.
What they don’t realize is that while they can hurt and humiliate their victims, they can never get a character transplant by doing so. Your exFW will never be a badass with multiple awards, and most importantly, a SOUL.
I am glad that you’re on the other side now. Well done. Hopefully someday, my mom will share her story of mightiness with you guys, too.
Looking for Hope,
I’m going through litigation abuse right now with an ExFW I left over a decade ago, with whom I share 50/50 legal custody of a child he forced conception of. He hasn’t complied with a single court order regarding support; I haven’t been reimbursed for any variable or medical support, and he has a long history of hiding his income to adjust base support on top of funding for attorneys he doesn’t pay, by his bunny boilers who have harassed us over the past several years.
I had the additional betrayal of discovering that my first law firm not only represented him in a criminal case I was basing my original custody changes on, but also had not one but two paralegals who were either friends with him or his former girlfriends.
Then I switched to a different law firm, which sold its business shortly after taking my case. The attorney of record was different from the one I was assigned to. That attorney left after a huge corporate merger, and the one listed on the record didn’t know anything about me, my kid, or my case when an emergency came up. She wanted an additional $7k to answer questions about the new emergency relating to my case.
I left to go to the attorney I was assigned to she was fine until the retainer went threw then she, sent my private contact I do during negotiations to my abusive ex who I had restraining orders on for domestic violence and child abuse, she misfiled paperwork in two states then threatened to withdrawal because she didn’t like my tone when I called her out on the multiple errors in the paperwork she was sending out. I didn’t realize the extent of the damage to the case until after, and I still keep finding new ways she messed up.
I have worked with various low-cost or pro bono providers to try to resolve all outstanding issues. Still, ExFW refuses to stipulate to the remaining issues or to comply with current court orders, so we are back in the thick of it, at least with child support.
My FOO chose ExFW over me because my brother was friends with ExFW. They didn’t think any of the reasons I gave for leaving weren’t good enough (domestic abuse, child abuse, substance abuse, double lives, p*rn addiction, OWHoworkers ) a few years ago when I asked for their support and instructions for them to follow specific safety plans after ExFWs bunnyboiler stalking for so bad I thought they were at risk did I find out not only did they know they knew about it for years because ExFWS BB was friends with my brother. They didn’t care at all about how the stalking was affecting my family or me. It was and is still the hardest betrayal to handle by far after I went into preterm labor from the stress and went no contact, which was followed by forgiveness trolling, flying monkey extended family.
At the most recent hearing I realized that the child support office doesn’t follow the laws or proper procedures as in they were trying to give him an insurance credit he has failed to provide for 5 years and didnt do a full audit of job history ( ExFW) switched jobs to a low paying job right after being served by CS about up coming modifications and the CS office only took his employers word for it and only a snap shot of his newest lowest income. I know it’s just bureaucratic laziness, and when I called it out in front of the judge, they changed it, but now I have to do the heavy lifting to resolve it.
It’s exhausting. My eldest was in preschool when I left ExFW and is now like a year away from high school. The only memories my eldest has of ExFW are bad ones, and ExFW is the one subject that, as a rule in our home, makes my athletic, well-adjusted kid turn into a shell of himself. We don’t talk about ExFW, but we know he knows because of how much time and money has gone into the legal stuff. My eldest has seen ExFW in like maybe a dozen years or so and wants his husband, his stepdad, to adopt him, and my husband wants to adopt my eldest as well, but we can’t because of litigation abuse. ( ExFW originally agreed to it until it was time to sign the paperwork; he hasn’t asked about or made decisions about eldest child in as much time, so when I tried to get full legal custody he fought me tooth and nail over it.) I realize there is a silver lining: we live far enough away from the ExFWs. I only have to deal with the inefficient legal system for a few more years, and my eldest really did get lucky having my husband as his father figure.
Your mom is lucky to have you in her support system, and that you recognize what’s happening and want what’s best for her. That’s a beautiful thing, and she is truly blessed in that regard. If your mom would like to commiserate with fellow anonymous chumps of the world and unload her righteous anger about her her litigation abuse following an infidelity nightmare, we are here to help in whatever ways we can.
“I had the additional betrayal of discovering that my first law firm not only represented him in a criminal case I was basing my original custody changes on, but also had not one but two paralegals who were either friends with him or his former girlfriends.” Dear God, that is HORRIBLE. Please tell me that you reported them to the Bar or whoever your local regulator is, because this is beyond contempt. Do you think there is a chance he hacked into your email accounts/phone/etc and only contacted the firm/bribed some of the paralegals after he found out you retained their services? I have heard of men doing this before.
In many regulated fields, such as nursing, medicine, and teaching, we talk about the importance of maintaining public trust in those professions and what the consequences of losing that trust are. Many of these people have lost their jobs and license for far less. It is outrageous to me that lawyers can charge thousands upon thousands of dollars, completely screw up your case, and then leave YOU to pick up the pieces. I don’t mean to invalidate every individual lawyer, especially not those who DO practice ethically, but I think we can all agree that legal negligence is now a pattern rather than a rare occurrence.
Your new husband sounds like a wonderful human. Massive respect to him for stepping up for your kids. Once again, what an absolute JOKE of a legal system that allows exFW to ruin the adoption process. No child support = no opinion or legal say, if it were up to me. Thankfully, your kids have a true father figure in their lives, with or without the legal formality, but that does not take away from the injustice.
Thank you for your kind words and advice. Community is so important, and I’m really looking forward to seeing my mom find strength and solidarity in this group.
No I have not yet reported anything for attorney number 1 to the state bar and I missed my window for legal malpractice ( state has malpractice window half of other states). He said that his Lawfirm represented ex years ago when doing a conflict check and that it wasn’t a big deal because they weren’t related and the attorney who worked with him left so he didn’t hold the files and said he would work on my case for $2k less than anyone else. I didn’t do my due diligence and didn’t trust my gut all because I was cheap.
When I found out the extent of the conflict of interest I confronted him with evidence and demanded a refund and threatened to report him the attorney responded with what his support staff does outside of work isn’t his business and any judge would see it that way said that he got my support raised ( nominally) and visitation for the most part removed ,(restraining orders were still active)he told me I needed to move on from this how ex moved on and I was stuck in the past. I took it to heart and thought I was unreasonable then either him or one of the support staff told me that ExFWs girlfriend died I gave my condolences and felt like an *ssh*l* when I asked what it had to do with me or my case. Again the timeline is fuzzy alarm bells went off after seeing one full name of a paralegal. The second one was after the death of the GF. Then he threatened to sue me for his outstanding work rendered balance but he was generous enough to give me a $250 discount off the remaining balance. I paid it just to be done with him. Legal assistant 2 died of an overdose about a month after ExFWs GF died and Legal Assistant 1 went to jail for her part in narcotics related death. It’s a trashy soap opera of WTF proportions.
I started looking around before firing him started in the jurisdiction where the case was held. When I told the local attorneys what happened they said they couldn’t work with me so I expanded my search and I found a larger law firm with multiple locations that specialized in family law and the male attorney that I met with I thought was a good fit but then when I was in the retainer stage they increased my retainer amount and I found it off putting and at that time just didn’t think a guy would understand where I was coming from and chose to not move forward. In hindsight I should have just paid the extra.
Then I started looking at dual state and it was too good to be true I was assigned to a team of female attorneys and support staff no conflict of interest. But good lord the dysfunction and incompetence was next level. Attorney 1 did not want to send my file to all dual state female lawfirm 2 when they recieved it it had other clients sensitive information in it and was missing a bunch of stuff. I just wanted to get my case transferred to where I currently live because of the betrayal of attorney 1 and how it seemed like ex knew everyone in that area and I figured I had time to file malpractice or a complaint once the jurisdiction was changed and I didn’t want to rock the boat during an active custody/ support case and I was wrong.
When ExFWs Bunnyboiler showed up about a year after the GF died she taunted me about how everyone knew. So maybe I never considered he hacked anything or bribed anyone these were just run of the mill sketchy people (drug addicts) and I trusted their words over my gut but it follows the pattern ExFW stalking and proxy harassment over the past few years.
My other concern with reporting a lawyer to the bar is that the oversight is done by legal professionals and they will close rank to protect their own vs doing the right thing they would take years to to get around to it and in my experience and with my luck they would find a technicality that exonerates the person in a position of power and I will just come off as a vindictive crazy woman who just wants to complain and how that would be used against me. Idk I just think this is more of a feature than a bug and most people unless they have gone through the legal system don’t see just how bad it is.
My exFW took me back to court after we were divorced in order to lower my alimony. I screwed up. I didn’t fight. I shouldn’t have listened when my lawyer said “FW can spend all his money on s$x workers and blow and it won’t matter. He’ll win.” And he did. My alimony went from a substantial amount that helped me survive to a laughable amount that doesn’t even pay for my son’s health insurance monthly. My ex traveled to 18 countries in 18 months, spending all of his money until he had nothing left. Something he literally told me he would do in order not to pay me. It worked. I lost. I lost everything and had to sell my house and then split the profits 50/50 with him.
Am I mad? Yes. Am I sad? Yes. But I get up every day and I do the work. I got a job. It is not a career and it doesn’t even cover my rent, but it was all I could get after twenty years of being a SAHM. No college, no career. I am living off the profits from the house and doing my best to work my way up at my job to hopefully make enough money to at least cover my rent. It is hard. It is humiliating. But I am doing it. I just hope it’s enough to survive.
I am so, so sorry. Inhumane doesn’t even scratch the surface. I don’t know your ex but reading this has filled me with enough rage to smash his head into a wall. The triple whammy of being failed by him, your lawyer, and the judge sounds unbearable.
You are a power house and I admire your strength, but the law is long overdue for reform. This is unacceptable. Victims’ futures cannot be left at the mercy of a seemingly selective justice system.
Sending you so much love.
Thank you so much for your kind words. I appreciate it more than you could know.
I’m so sorry to hear this. I also shouldn’t have listened to my crap divorce lawyer who shouted at me and seemed like she was working for FW who blew tons of marital assets on strip mall escorts.
There are low cost associates programs training people for very in demand allied health careers that would at least offer stability.
Thank you Archer. What kind of things should I look for when searching these careers? I’m in my 50’s, so no spring chicken. I would love to find something that could be a career but because of my age I feel like no one would hire me as a newbie in any field. I’m working at a grocery store for now.
Check out programs at your local community college, assuming there is one where you live.
I survived 28 years of litigation abuse by plodding along. My FW died 6 years ago tomorrow. I had great legal representation. His sister found out he had 17 active restraining orders against him when he passed away. But I’m #1 !!!!
28 years!!! How do these people sustain nearly 3 decades worth of energy on vitriol and hatred?
Glad that he’s permanently out of your life now …
Dear LFH, litigation abuse is one of the last things that a vindictive narcissistic man can legally inflict on a chump. Like the men in power in this country who want to see women reduced to chattel, your bio dad is at his most vicious now that he knows his power over your mom is about to end. This doesn’t make things any easier for your mom, but it’s context.
I encourage you to read about narcissistic abuse—Leah McElrath is an excellent resource on Bluesky—to see that your bio dad’s behavior is textbook. He isn’t unusual! This insight helped me so much when I was being abused by my FW in family court.
My FW got away with draining marital assets, manipulating our mediator to limit and quickly end spousal and child support, and then, once I was barely making ends meet, suing me to try to get support from me while he was conveniently “unemployed” (living off an inheritance, liquidated stock, and Schmoopie’s income). The judge laughed him out of court, but almost 6 years later, FW still threatens me over the parenting software that he’s going to sue me again. Go ahead, big guy. He no longer frightens me. EMDR helped a lot.
Sending tons of love to you and your mom, who absolutely is going to get through this. PeaceSeeker’s beautiful note about the “small apartment/big life” as compared to my FW’s gigantic house with his Schmoopie (another cheating POS) also aptly describes my life.
“He isn’t unusual.” You are right! I’ve had a deeper dive of CL’s blog earlier and discussed with my mom. Knowing that these FW’s all use the same generic tactics is actually weirdly comforting.
I am so sorry and horrified to hear that your ex continues to abuse and harass you (and that he’s thick enough to do so in written form…). It always baffles me how someone can look at the mother of their kids and spew vitriol. It’s disgusting.
Cheers to no longer letting these abusers scare any of us, and to better beginnings!
Very sorry, but I had a visceral reaction to this: “I firmly refuse to encourage any ‘woe is me’ behavior…”
Dude. She is not feeling sorry for herself. She is in survival mode. Woe IS her. For real. She’s not making up pity stories. Does she need to fight back? Yes. Can she? Well, no, not while she’s under constant assault.
It’s lovely that you want to help her, but maybe objective (outside) support would be best for her? Again — sorry — but that stray comment made me wonder if she is being given enough room to go ahead and grieve / collapse / freak out, etc. All of those emotions are part of the process.
Hi,
That comment was not phrased clearly enough. It was exclusively referring to me not encouraging that sort of attitude for MYSELF as I had spent so much time worrying about helping my mom make it out the other side- “oh poor me, I can’t even make my mom feel better”, “if my mom doesn’t get justice I’ll be sad forever alongside with her”, etc. Sometimes witnessing someone’s else’s grief can plunge you into a weird state of mind.
As for my mom, she has every right to the entire spectrum of human emotion to something so abusive happening to her. I just don’t want her to lose her amazing self in the process.
We were dividing retirement accounts and cars. Should have been easy-peasy, but I laughed when my STBX promised that over the phone. I knew him all too well. He was offended. He also told me which attorney he had picked during that call, a brutal pitbull with questionable ethics. At times, for over a decade before, my STBX talked about divorce and how he’d make me and the kids homeless. What a lovely husband and father he was.
I ended up with one of the best of the best in the legal community, a superstar who commented during the phone interview, “Yes, that attorney will crush you, but I know him very, very well and will get you a fair settlement.” He specialized in high-conflict divorce. He liked a mix of cases and later told me that he was intrigued by the religious aspects of my case because my ex was one of “those.” Of course, he warned me that the division would likely be 50/50 because that was the norm, but hopefully not a lot of trouble getting there. Just in case, he would start formulating a trial strategy and collecting evidence towards that.
It went crazy long but got settled attorney-to-attorney, and the closeout took forever. Three times, my closeout attorney wrote a contempt motion and faxed it to opposing counsel when the closeout stalled. Finally, my ex ran out of issues and moved on. It’s been years now.
Yes, ugly stuff, but it did eventually end. I had no doubts that the divorce had to be after how my ex behaved during the divorce. It didn’t have to be that way.
My biological FW dad is a typical “rules for thee but not for me” religious fanatic. The only thing he’s more talented at than condemning people is finding the dumbest f*cking “Biblical” loopholes for his abhorrent behavior. If it weren’t tragic, it would almost be a little comical. People like him are what inspired God’s wrath in the Old Testament (or so I think, haha).
Really glad to hear you had a great attorney. Something I’ve noticed is that almost everyone who had a good divorce attorney mentioned that they were personally intrigued by an element of their case, whether it was the psychological profile of the opposing party, a part of their life story, or, as in your case, the religious aspect.
A divorce is either quick torture or slow torture. While I don’t necessarily buy into the whole “staying friends after the divorce” shtick, the bare minimum should be to maintain civility and respect for everyone’s sake. This is why I had a visceral reaction when you said, “It didn’t have to be that way.” You are so right. Why is this such a difficult concept for some people??
Yes, my ex’s religion was all about rules and judgment at home. At church, he was one of the favorites, preaching regularly about God’s love and care.
Even before things got really bad, I will never forget sitting there with our two preschoolers while he waxed eloquently about the wonders of marriage. The truth was that he despised me and deeply resented our children. In retrospect, I should not have believed him when he said he wanted children. He was so selfish that he saw everything as competition. I even had to keep my friendships mostly a secret because he was jealous of anyone who meant something to me other than him.
My attorney was truly one of the best. Despite being on all the lists, he was a completely humble man. Yes, he had a lot of rules and certain ways of doing things, but he explained that despite being the founder and managing partner, he carried a full caseload of complex cases and needed things to be a certain way. I found him very easy to work with within those parameters. It was definitely slow torture and should have been something that an associate could have written up and gotten us to sign. Nope. My attorney retired the day after the judge signed off. He had a heart attack during a malpractice trial and decided that was the end. He gave most of the cases to the other attorneys, but kept mine and another that was going to trial. He was sure he could finish those two, and he did.
His associate took my closeout with him to a new firm and said my case was his mentor’s favorite in his last year of practice. Why? Because the older attorney said I was a thoroughly decent person in a very rough spot legally. Once I decided he really wasn’t as intimidating as I’d thought at first, I also joked around with him a lot. One time, I got him laughing so hard he cried. He liked that too, commenting, “My specialty is frankly rather grim most of the time. Thanks for the laughs!”
Hi everyone 🫶🏻
I’m just taking the time to read all of your thoughtful and insightful comments, taking notes (literally), and sitting with your reflections. I apologize if I haven’t responded personally yet- reading your replies has been a bit overwhelming (in the best way possible!), so please bear with me as I make my way through.
Thank you all so much for taking the time to read my letter and engaging with it. While everyone’s situation is different and uniquely difficult in its own respect, the shared tenacity and grit are incredible, and empowering, to see.
A massive thank you to CL for being the hero that you are and creating this powerful community of survivors (because infidelity is abuse, PERIOD).
I have shown my mom this blog and community, and she was blown away by the solidarity and kindness of CN. She grew up in a part of the world where women reclaiming their power and autonomy is still very much an avant garde concept, so this came as a breath of fresh air. Once she’s a bit more comfortable she will reach out herself, but in the meanwhile she would like me to pass on a message to say thank you on her behalf 🙂
Your stories have given mom and me so much courage. Because regardless of how fair or quick a divorce judgment is, there is no remedy, legal or otherwise, that can rectify a cheater’s morally bankrupt soul. And that is the biggest punishment of all…
Our fight carries on. It won’t be easy (or cheap), but having a supportive community that has lived through the same struggles will make it bearable.
One thing that is for sure is that the primitive, antiquated legal system that facilitates these gaping loopholes as a breeding ground for sociopaths’ vindictiveness NEEDS reform. Urgently. Desperately. As someone wisely said in the comments, what other area of the law permits this kind of behavior?? I’m just a grieving daughter and I don’t have the solutions, but what I do know is that together we are stronger, and we must never stop raising awareness about this issue. Whether it’s as chumps, friends of chumps, loved ones of chumps, professionals, etc. Abusers rely on silence and shame. Let’s not give those to them.
In solidarity with all of you, always.
Another website recommended the book “Legal Abuse Syndrome”. I’m glad your mom has you in her corner, providing support. Don’t forget to tend to your mental health as well.
I have neglected / completely forgotten to keep my mental state in check, which also needs to change.
Thank you for the book recommendation!
1. Get a new lawyer specializing in HIGH CONFLICT divorces. Consults are usually free. (Then, later on try to get EX to pay/reimburse past and future legal fees as part of the final settlement.)
2. Connect your Mom with CL. Your Mom is in more pain than you can possibly imagine unless it has happened to you. Reading CL website will help her almost articulate the pain and she will feel less alone.
3. NO CONTACT IS MAGICAL. No talking to EX. No looking at social media. You can look at social media for her to gather evidence for the lawyer to use. And don’t tell her what he’s doing. Friends should not tell her what he’s doing.
4. Just because EX doesn’t want her to have anything, doesn’t mean that that’s how it’ll play out.
5. It will help to exercise – walk or whatever Mom likes to do – to relieve S T R E S S.
6. Mom needs to realize that none of this is her fault AT ALL. Repeat, EX’s bad behavior is 100% not her fault.
We hired a new lawyer a little less than a year ago and while it’s still been tough, he’s really good and compassionate and has managed to speed things up as much as he could. Something I learned that maybe other chumps / loved ones supporting chumps might find helpful- a family lawyer with a background in criminal law and crimes in the family is a great asset! This one in particular is razor sharp at dismantling and critiquing evidence. He’s the one who introduced us to “litigation abuse” as a concept, which was hard to hear, but freeing to understand.
Thank you for your suggestions. They’re really appreciated in this time of need.
On reorienting one’s thinking and recovering from emotional abuse … I found the book “Living and Loving after Betrayal” by Steven Stosny to be helpful, and I actually did many of the written exercises in that book on a daily basis, which helped me rebuild my sense of self-worth after having been betrayed and abandoned by my husband of 20+ years.
I am three years post-divorce and still working on the other parts of your question, i.e., meeting new people, salvaging some friendships and letting go of others in the wake of my ex’s destructive lies and attempts to spin the situation, etc. It’s an incredibly long and painful process.
Thank you so much for the recommendation. It’s in my Amazon basket.
My mom reached out to some old friends and connections in the meanwhile (you know, those who can’t be bought lol) and is slowly rebuilding. Here’s to hoping for better beginnings.
I’m fortunate that I didn’t experience litigation abuse. I just want to recommend that your mom block your dad and also his girlfriend. My life is so much better now that I don’t even look at what they’re doing.
I’ve screenshotted the most relevant images and compiled them into a neat folder for when he inevitably starts claiming he’s broke again. Otherwise, those two sad shitheads remain blocked.
The painting of Timoclea is amazing. And symbolic.
No contact is a first step toward getting a handle on this mindf***ery. Block this m-f-er everywhere from your phones to social media. All correspondence needs to go through your great new attorney who starts filing things to get the health insurance and other stuff for your mom via emergency support orders.
But after 4 years, your mom needs to get on with the “gain a life” phase. She may need therapy for the trauma and I’d try to get that ordered by the judge too. She could try EMDR as an alternative to high-cost talk therapy for nowival .
The hating and blaming herself is very concerning. You could look for a support group for people going through divorce or a group for survivors of abuse. One reason why the Chump Nation groups work is we all understand what newbie chumps are going through.
I have two other suggestions: 1. Read Lundy Bancroft’s book Why Does He Do That?
It’s free on the internet or under $10 at Walmart. Your mother has a long marriage to an abuser and one thing that really helps recover is that moment when she realizes “He was a sick person who fooled me. It wasn’t me! He is a type of person who abuses others.” She’s still married in her head to the guy she thought she was with all those years. 2. She should walk at least 30-60 minutes a day. I also recommend yoga or a woman’s group fitness class. Getting out and using her body will be a big help. 3. Take a class. Volunteer at the food bank or women’s shelter or as a foster parent to a homeless pet. Take line-dancing lessons. I joined a sports league at 63 to play a sport I hade last played at age 12. That’s a 50 year gap. She needs to DO SOMETHING. Oh, and BOXING is a great way to get in touch with that suppressed rage. Oh, and a third idea: Paint walls. Paint the inside of closets cool colors. Buy paint on sale for the closets. Move furniture. Give stuff she hates away. Frame family photos she loves.Or go out with her phone or camera and learn to take new ones.
In other words, get your Mom moving. And we’d love to see you both on the Reddit group board.
First of all, love and hugs to you both, and thank you for being your Mum’s rock.
It seems my phone thought I waffled too much so didn’t upload my comment from 0200 hrs when I couldn’t sleep. So I’ll try be more succinct this time.
Like Tiggerly, I didn’t experience litigation abuse. But I can identify with the feelings of depression and hopelessness. Here’s a few of my absolute lifesavers that I’d have not come across if not for friends sharing with me.
1. Try online meditations. I searched for ones using phrases like “empowering me” (my therapist had told me I needed to ‘Step Into My Power’) and “overcoming anxiety”. I still do these meditations every morning and they help to calm the storm inside.
2. Search Lucy Hone Resilient Grieving TED Talk on YouTube. Tips for the grieving process.
3. Put Your Own Oxygen Mask On First. For me this looks like leaving a chore to rest with a cup of tea. Or when I can defer starting work for the day, I do Cafe Coffee Therapy (CCT) with my journal FIRST. I put me first, instead of getting through the work first and then CCT. It has a positive effect in reinforcing my value to myself.
These are about taking control of what you can. My other lifesaver and lightbulb moment (more like a solar flare than a lightbulb) was finding CL and CN, and the truth and support therein.
Also if your Mum is struggling with mental/emotional blocks, Google “Overcoming avolition” for tips. Once she can start making small wins, she can start the release of positive hormones. They don’t have to be big wins, just getting the laundry folded, or a walk round the block. As long as she doesn’t belittle it, but acknowledges the achievement. As Velvet Hammer said, it’s like we’ve been hit by a freight train and ended up in ICU. And we need to learn how to walk again, as our world is now shattered. So every step is a win, no matter how small. Every step is mighty, and a step towards Meh. Just one step at a time Looking For Hope’s Mama 💕