How Do You Survive Litigation Abuse?
Her mother is the victim of a protracted divorce and she wants to know how people survive litigation abuse. It’s year four and he’s determined to leave them nothing.
***
Dear Chump Lady,
I’m writing to you not as a chump, but as the adult daughter of a chump. My mom, whom I love more than anyone else in the world, has been divorcing my absolute a-hole of a father for roughly 4 years.
To make matters worse, he is determined to leave her with nothing.
It’s a sickening situation all around.
We have lawyers working on her case, which I hope will end soon, although it’s by no means guaranteed. In the meanwhile, my biological father has filed multiple other erroneous lawsuits in his coordinated abuse campaign. I am helping her cover the fees and trying to be her emotional anchor throughout all of this, but it’s tough.
I firmly refuse to encourage any “woe is me” behavior, but the truth is that my mom’s situation is especially horrible. She gave up everything for this man, built her life and financial stability around him, and now it’s all perished. He took the money, took the friends, and even ended up canceling her health insurance knowing that she cannot afford it by herself. She has been out of the workforce for a long time, so finding a new job isn’t easy either.
He flaunts his money, his lifestyle, and his new bimbo girlfriend all over social media and it’s killing her on the inside.
I can see how much her emotional wellbeing has deteriorated with the unholy trinity of emotional, financial, and litigation abuse suffocating her.
Unsurprisingly, my mom is hopeless and angry. She doesn’t see an end to her loneliness or unhappiness. She deeply hates herself and blames herself for what has happened. I am trying my best to support her and love her as her daughter, but lately, even that hasn’t been enough.
I need advice from yourself and Chump Nation, especially those who have been through genuinely dire divorces.
How did you do it?
How did you rebuild your life from scratch after the end of a long-term marriage? Or how did you meet new people, make new friends, and find beauty in life while (or after) divorcing a crazy POS?
There’s generic advice on the internet, but I could really use some real, lived experiences from actual people who can offer their wisdom. I want to do whatever I can to help my mom, and I refuse to believe that one mediocre white man with a midlife crisis can take everything away from us. I refuse to give up hope after everything.
Thank you for listening.
Sincerely,
Looking for Hope
***
Dear Looking for Hope,
Ask your mom to join our community, please. We can help her with the dark thoughts and the self-blame in real time, because we’ve lived it. Peer support is crucial, because as much as you love her, you don’t know what it’s like to invest so deeply in someone and be betrayed so horrifically. With chumps all over the world, there’s always a willing ear in every time zone where she can trauma dump to a kind stranger who gets it.
I firmly refuse to encourage any “woe is me” behavior, but the truth is that my mom’s situation is especially horrible.
Reframe this from “woe is me” to abuse.
Your mom is being abused. Litigation abuse is abuse. It should not take four years to get a divorce.
She needs to understand that she didn’t do anything to make him cheat on her or drag out a divorce. It’s what FWs do. It’s about control. They punish you for staying, and they punish you for leaving. Womenslaw.org is a good resource. Check out their definition:
What is litigation abuse ?
When a victim ends an abusive relationship, the abuser may try to keep power and control by misusing the court system against the victim. For example, the abuser might:
- file repeated petitions or motions without a legal reason to do so;
- try to delay the process by asking to postpone one or many court dates (adjournments);
- appeal the judge’s orders without a legal reason to do so;
- serve you with inappropriate demands; or
- take other actions that make you go to court again and again.
Does your legal team recognize this as abuse? Are they experienced in high-conflict divorces? I’m not a lawyer, I can’t give legal advice, I’m just a woman with a blog. But I can tell you from personal experience and two divorces — both with litigation abuse and post-separation abuse — that there’s not much awareness out there.
And there should be. Because it lifts the burden of “This is my personal problem/failure and I’m navigating it all wrong, and that’s why it keeps happening” to “This is a deliberate form of coercive control. And I am very right and justified in leaving this freak.”
I spent a decade being sued for custody by a mentally ill man. It wasn’t until many years later, when I was working for Washington Lawyer magazine and interviewing a family law lawyer that I heard the term “litigation abuse”.
THAT’S A THING? IT HAS A NAME?
Then she said something casually like “over 90 percent of cases settle, they don’t go to trial.” I was dragged into court over and over and over again. My cases never settled. No one, included my own lawyer, told me this was abnormal. I chalked it up to my first ex’s mental illness, I didn’t see his actions through the lens of coordinated abuse.
That lens matters.
Unsurprisingly, my mom is hopeless and angry. She doesn’t see an end to her loneliness or unhappiness. She deeply hates herself and blames herself for what has happened.
Right now, she’s raging at herself, when she should be directing those feelings at her abuser. Using the anger as fuel. She won’t feel overwhelmed and angry every day, but while she’s deep in the fight, she needs outrage at the injustice to keep her going. That’s not “woe is me” — it’s self-preservation.
A good lawyer should help.
Lawyers are not therapists, but the good ones should give perspective and reassurance.
he is determined to leave her with nothing.
A good lawyer would tell you “People in hell want a cold drink of water.” Just because he has demands, does not mean the court has to accommodate them.
Blowing past deadlines, dragging out filings, causing more work for the court, is a bad look to judges. Just keep your hands clean. I’d tell your mom to do everything in her power not to come off as A Woman Scorned. She’s a reasonable woman trying to get a reasonable settlement off an unreasonable man. If your legal team isn’t helping end this nightmare, I’d consider shopping for new lawyers who can wrap this up.
He took the money, took the friends, and even ended up canceling her health insurance knowing that she cannot afford it by herself.
Again, I’m not a lawyer, but I’d wonder where the emergency support orders are. By law, he cannot take the money or cancel her insurance. And if he does those things, a lawyer can get an emergency order before the divorce is settled to REVERSE that.
Fight back.
I know it’s exhausting. Exhaustion is a tactic. You just have to get through it.
He flaunts his money, his lifestyle, and his new bimbo girlfriend all over social media and it’s killing her on the inside.
Screen shot it and send it to the attorney. “Your honor, FW can afford a trip to Cabo but not insurance for his wife. Exhibit A.”
But beyond weaponizing his idiocy, your mother should NOT look at his social media. No contact is the fastest track to healing. The Other Woman isn’t special, she’s next. Dragging out a divorce is a good way to destabilize her too. It’s what FWs do. No one is special. Stop tuning in.
How did we rebuild?
How did you rebuild your life from scratch after the end of a long-term marriage? Or how did you meet new people, make new friends, and find beauty in life while (or after) divorcing a crazy POS?
Those stories are all over this blog. Check the archives for every “Tell Me How You’re Mighty” post. Listen to our podcast. The pain is finite and the new life is sweet.
But right now your mom is in the middle of the pain and perspective is hard. I built this place to give people like your mom hope that there’s a better life on the other side.
And there is.
That decade I spent being sued? Horrific. I’ll never get the money back. And my son’s FW still owes me child support. But my son is grown into a fine young man. He’s married, we’re close, and he almost never sees his “bio dad.” He considers Mr. CL his parent. The person given the honor of having raised him. We’re the parents he’s close to, who see him at holidays, who sat at the family table at his wedding. His bio dad is some embarrassing creature at the edges of his life. I’ll take the win.
The second freak who made me Chump Lady. He’s on to some other victim. I don’t know. But that nightmare was the hard blessing that set me on a new life. I won this amazing community. I get beautiful letters from people who’ve moved on and tell me how much CN helped them. Not every person is a FW. There are so many other worthy people to tune into.
Right now the FW has the channel flipped exclusively to him.
He floods her zone. Fills her with anxiety and fear. Him, him, him.
My best advice is focus elsewhere and f*ck him.
CN — what do you say? How’d you survive?
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The image with this post is from a painting I saw on my Italy trip, by baroque painter Elizabeth Sirani. (Who died at age 27.) It depicts Timoclea pushing the Roman soldier who assaulted her down a well. Seemed fitting for today.
As soon as I saw the image and even before I read the rest of this post, I just had to google Elisabetta Sirani. What struck me first was seeing her signature on the painting, and then I read that she painted in public sessions to dispel any speculation that it wasn’t she who created these magnificent paintings of strong women. Pretty remarkable for the 17th century, even though she lived in progressive Bologna, which produced other noted female painters.
Thank you, CL, for giving me so many interesting things to ponder as I go about my day.
And now to read the rest of the post…
I’m so sorry to hear what your mum is going through. I went through a similar situation a decade ago and am now thriving. I echo Tracy’s advice about finding a lawyer who recognizes and understands litigation abuse. I spent way too much money on legal fees while my ex FW used to legal system to prolong the ordeal and not pay me child and spousal support. Yes, document everything and tell your mum to take care of her physical body and nervous system as best she can: prioritize sleep, exercise (even just walking and some strength training), eating simple but healthy food. Taking care of herself in these ways will help her get through this battle and also ready her to live her best life when this hell is over. This will end but in the meantime she needs to stay strong. The “friends” were not good ones—she needs to make no ones. Can she find a free hobby like a walking group or craft group where she can meet new friends? The job thing is brutal: is there any low-cost training lr certificate she can get to gain a new skill? This will also look good in court. I am happier and mightier than ever a decade out and have three amazing adult daughters. I rent a small apt but have a big life with work, hobbies and friends. My loser ex lives in a huge house with an on-again-off-again twit who plays sick pick-me games around the holidays against my daughters. It’s fair to say I won :). You sound like am amazing daughter: sending you and your mum love and mojo!
Help connect your Mom directly to this blog, including any updating of computer skills available at many libraries, etc.
Offer her the contact info for the local domestic abuse agency for trauma informed individual and group therapy.
Locate free (video) and in-person low cost exercise classes.
Accompany her to a doctor’s appointment if she has untreated depression or anxiety.
Be cognizant of your own emotions and language as you emphasize what can and can not be controlled.
I had to delete the other comment. Remember I have to deal with Google bot censors.
A FW will always be a FW. Just sorry that you and your mother have to go through this. My ex tried a lot of this and then some but finally was called to the carpet. He was hiding assets and spending money like crazy. I got every dollar back that he spent on Schmoopie plus a nice cash settlement and a bit more than half the assets. He was in literal tears after finding out he had to pay for the forensic accountant and part of my legal fees as well. Hopefully the poster mom will get a judge like I had who cannot tolerate using their courtroom for his abusive nonsense.
I am almost four years out and doing really well. Although it seems like forever, the process ends eventually. Counseling and medications can help through the tough part. It will end.
How great that your ex had to pay for the forensic accountant! I could not afford a forensic accountant, and it never occurred to me to ask my lawyer to ask the court to order him to pay for one. He had stolen my non-marital assets and hidden a lot of the marital assets for at least ten years. My attorneys could have done much better for me.
Reading here every day is the number one thing that made a huge difference in my recovery from being hit by the infidelity (abuse!) freight train. I’m not aware of any other experienced truth-spewing support group in the world on this experience.
The other pit crew members were excellent therapist, good lawyer, and trusted friends.
A support pit crew is essential! We do not fight the kraken alone!
Another resource I used is The Center for Domestic Peace, which is my local domestic violence prevention organization. They offer legal assistance. I’ll bet they would have some ideas about where to help in your area. Please call!
Google “Center for Domestic Peace” for their contact information. A toll-free number will pop up first.
♥️
I’ve said this before (and gotten shot at by misinterpreters…)
It’s easier to navigate trauma with staff.
This DOES NOT mean LESS PAINFUL.
This means PEOPLE HELPING
with the TASKS
of everyday living, divorce, recovery, healing, rebuilding, is easier than being on one’s own trying to do all those TASKS by oneself.
If you were in the ICU (which emotionally you are!) you want to be there WITH nurses and doctors, instead of without them, having to change your own bedding, gowns, feeding yourself, managing your medication, bathing yourself, etc.
Trusted people helping you is essential to getting through trauma.
♥️
I spent a year going through post-divorce litigation abuse. I am thankful it was only a year. After the divorce was final he dragged me back to court approximately once a month for an entire year over custody issues. I ended up changing lawyers after the divorce. I gave my new one a copy of the book “Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder” by Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger. I told him that I couldn’t pay him for his time to read the book, but that he might find it helpful in dealing with the ex. My new lawyer must have read it from cover to cover because he gave very helpful advice.
When I was choosing a new attorney I spoke to a different lawyer who did not do divorces, but he knew a lot of lawyers. He gave me a couple of names and told me a little bit about them. I chose the one that I thought would be most intimidating to the ex. This man was very kind and compassionate. Tell your mom that the best way to find a new lawyer is to get a recommendation from a lawyer.
The ex eventually decided that our oldest daughter (college student) was bad-mouthing him to her younger siblings and he threatened HER with litigation. So I posted on social media that I may have to hire an attorney for her, too. I had never mentioned to anyone abut the abuse that I was suffering, but threatening my child was the last straw. That post embarrassed him. Narcissists don’t do well with embarrassment. Suddenly, he stopped dragging me back to court. Lawyers always tell you to keep your legal issues off of social media because it’s too easy to mess up your case. But in this case, public humiliation is what ended that particular form of abuse.
Later, when our youngest child was still in high school, the ex decided it was fine for him to stop paying child support AND alimony because our youngest had turned 18 and promptly stopped going to visitation with his sperm donor. I was in a financial position to let it ride for several months until my son graduated. I didn’t want to mess up the status quo for my son.
After graduation I took the ex to court for all the back pay. He claimed that he was perfectly reasonable ending alimony because I was cohabiting with an adult male. Referring to our older son. The judge reamed him out over that. Asked him if he was claiming there was some kind of incestuous relationship going on. Told him he had a week to pay all of the money owed in full plus my lawyer’s fees. Of course the jerk took 8 or 9 days. Because he’s a jerk. But he had the means to pay it all with no problem.
So, for me, ending litigation abuse with a narcissist came down to humiliation. He really, really hated being publicly humiliated.
My FW commited DV in our home in front of a teenaged son. My attorney got a temporary restraining order that stipulated that she had to stay away from our house, could not see our kids and had her wages garnished for child support. That changed her attitude, especially because she felt humiliated at her workplace. She liked to feel she was on the moral and ethical high ground and being outed as a FW caused her world to crash.
Omg these men! Mine was paying a whopping $550/month to support our teen son. Son got a part time job at a pizza place; ex immediate demanded to stop paying child support!!! Son had just turned 16!!!
Excellent point. FW covert narcissist like many FW literally seems to care about nothing except Impression Management and it’s useful at times fighting the monster
I know I was so fortunate to have quite by accident hired a really good lawyer. This was back in the early part of 1990. Legal help wasn’t as out of reach for the average person then as it is now. My only requirement was that the lawyer could not be located in my city, because my ex was a Police Officer and deeply involved in politics. In my confused head, I didn’t want anyone who was involved with them.
So my friend was working for a real estate lawyer and she got me a referral to a lawyer in the next city.
My closest friend used the same lawyer her cheating ex did and they screwed her into poverty. My Former Wanderer of course wanted me to use his lawyer; but I said no thanks. Then he told me my problem was I couldn’t think for myself. My response was “yep, that is why I hired someone qualified to do it for me”.
I agree with CL, this is dragging on too long. I find myself wondering if her law firm is milking money for as long as they can.
Also, it is a horrible situation; but the chump needs to make sure she is not trying to recoup too much. I don’t mean that in an insulting way. But, again a good lawyer will sit you down and say this is the best you can expect etc.
This happened to me. Spent every penny I had and liquidated assets. And he and his lawyer still kept going after me. It is very tough. Chump Lady was a game-changer for me. It helped me understand what was happening and that it happens to a lot of people.
The answer is to release expectations that a lawyer or the courts will make it fair and make it make sense. This kept me going and spending — that is, hoping — for far too long. The hard truth is, the system is built to enable litigation abuse. (Are there other areas of law so ripe for exploitation, that tolerate this kind of behavior? I can’t think of any.)
I spent five years basically at the mercy of different law practices, who in many instances operated without oversight, integrity (yes, there was professional courtesy and restraint, but common sense, reasonableness and decency were too often not in evidence), or accountability, billed for emails and phone calls and the odd letter.
Usually if you can identify what the other party wants, there is the possibility to negotiate. But if the counterparty is irrational and willing to harm themselves and their children in order to harm you, there is no negotiating. Why we as a society tolerate this really deserves a good look.
My ex’s schmoopie was his third lawyer. He finally found someone that would accept his victim/great dad story, take all his calls, and join him in gaslighting and lying (“yes, the financials are complete!” “He did too pay the bills!” “You are attacking my client!”), as long as he kept paying her bills. And yes, her social media makes her look great.
In retrospect, it seems to me, the way to handle this is to name it (litigation abuse by a disordered person), completely accept that the outcome will suck, and cut ties with every person who is not firmly on your side and sane. Don’t trust your lawyers to act in your best interest. The lawyers on both sides are making money off this and they don’t — can’t — care very much. They are working with chainsaws. This can be hard to take after you’ve been rejected by someone you trusted and are looking for help. But just like you shouldn’t run after the person who betrayed you, you shouldn’t transfer that hope and trust to another stranger out of desperation.
I went through this for five years and maybe I was unlucky, but I did not come across any good, effective lawyers. I did encounter a LOT of disordered lawyers! Try to give the entire legal schmozzle your minimum attention and energy. It’s cruder and baser and dirtier than you imagined.
Your mom has to get through this to get to the other side.
This is a feature, not a bug, of our courts and I couldn’t help but see it as punishment of women, sorry, but that’s what it feels like to me.
I remember going through CL posts, trying to find out “how LONG? How LONG do I have to live through this despair and agitation??”. For me, it took about five years. (It’s not coming from you, it’s coming from them, and the farther away you get, the better you’ll feel.)
Just keep being nice to your mom. That will help the most.
I think you are right. All of the laws and systems in place I have encountered when it has come to a women leaving a man is straight up antiquated mysoginistic garbage. It’s almost like women and children are just a possessions of a man and that no man should ever be parted from his possessions no matter how horribly he abused them. And if a women decides to get uppity and leave she should not only be punished for it but made an example of to prevent others from leaving as well.
I have an interstate issue that has federal laws it needs to follow to because of recognized patterns of misinterpretation at a local levels. UCCJEA explicitly states the necessity of following these procedures and why they need to be strictly adhered to with precedence being set decades ago. My initiating state is pretty good at following these laws overall. ExFWs responding state is straight garbage. They don’t follow their own state laws let alone federal laws. A few years ago a responding state judge decided that his cherry picked interpretation of the word and/ or held more weight than mountains of evidence and a legal precedence previously set.
(His third lawyer wasn’t literally his schmoopie, they weren’t sleeping together. But that was the dynamic, it reminded me of the descriptions on here of the vindictive affair partners who attack chumps.)
Why did FW keep all the friends? Were there zero compassionate real friends in her life? Or did she play into his hands by keeping quiet about the infidelity?
Only see trauma therapists who see infidelity as abuse. The mom is already blaming herself and RIC types would make it worse not better.
What helped me reclaim pieces of myself was connecting with people who had known me for a very long time, some before FW, some when I was newlywed, who had seen and known me as a lovely young professional woman. The decades of abuse meant FW promoted his twisted version of me as aging fat ill nagging bad wife nobody would want. I was so beaten down I seriously considered staying in the marriage even after DDay #2, 3,4,5. It helped me to see myself through their eyes, remember myself before abuse made me a shell of a person. Best thing is this also helped me navigate bad lawyers and greedy financial services people who were looking to profit from a vulnerable traumatized person. True friendship is gold.
I am starting year six of litigation abuse (and also alienation from one of my children (1/3 of my heart), who used to call me while shopping just because she wanted company). I was reasonable in mediation; he was not. We proceeded to court before a baby judge who failed to even keep the basic facts of the case straight. I learned that, unless you have extraordinary wealth, no attorney will make the time necessary to mount a case that you know you should be pursuing— they seek to preserve their relationship with the court and their peers at your expense. The court, itself cannot get out of its own way, and getting anything calendared with adversarial attorneys is guaranteed to go out to the latest date the court offers (and then be delayed, repeatedly by opposing counsel, further enabled by the court). The irony is, you are considered divorced, for the purposes of property division, the day the case is served, but your ex then benefits from market appreciation of the home, increases in salary, negligence in paying home repairs/expenses/etc, your free childcare — for YEARS while they drag the case out endlessly.
My divorce was granted after three years; I got hosed in many ways. On the bright side, most of the judge’s errors are easily seen “on the papers;” the not so bright side, is endless appeals (want an appellate attorney? That’ll cost you a retainer of $15K per appeal plus time and expenses when it’s spent, to get the judge’s errors corrected).
I had to pursue dependent adult child support as a follow-on case, because the judge honored my ex’s demands it not be addressed in the divorce trial; despite the petition clearly stating the need and the Florida courts allowing incorporation in the divorce proceedings…That took two years. Of course, he is appealing the award from this case…In all, I have six appeals in-process or under consideration by the Florida appeals court. Recognizing I divorced a narcissist who wants to win at any cost, I chose to represent myself; this is time consuming and fraught because who knows what they don’t know?! But I have not got the financial resources to hire a professional…Apparently my self representation very much upsets opposing counsel, who files myriad motions demanding the court force me to hire an attorney 🤣🤣🤣
When I am not mired in litigation tasks, caring for my disabled child, repairing my elderly home, or otherwise accomplishing life’s basics, I focus on loving myself, my children, my friends (new ones), and my life. I consciously choose to allow only positive thoughts (though sometimes I slip and think, “I positively would like to see ex and his gf reap what they have sown…”). I have remembered who I am, what makes me valuable, what makes me happy, and how to find joy in everything I do (sometimes, I admit, it is the joy of realizing a legal point is going to really injure opposing’s case). I have learned that joy and peace arise when you love yourself first and best. I am 61, independent (though by no means wealthy), and my life is far from what I had imagined over the 37 years of my relationship with the ex; but I recalibrated and realize I love the peace in my home, knowing when and how tasks will get done (or not), sleeping without interruption, eating what and when I prefer, exercising (naked if I feel like it) when I wish, sunning in the yard as I wish, listening to music and media I prefer, etc. Life is good, if you choose to recognize all the big and little blessings and miracles flowing through each moment of every day. Sorry for the long story — I don’t get out much (ex takes his daughter one evening each week); when he does, I ride my motorcycle, and go where there’s a great local band, and dance like no one is watching. Remember we only get one life and it is too short to focus on the negative!
NeverBeenBetter,
I felt every word of this. There is no justice in the justice system and for you to single handedly take on an appellate court pro se is a mighty feat. I gave up to easily when it comes to court and it took a long time to fix my picker after ignoring the red flags and giving the benefit of the doubt when it came to hiring attorneys who wound up harming my case.
Laws don’t get changed unless challenged and revised. Hopefully you can set a precedent that can be used for future chumps to reference one day in their own proceedings.
Looking for Hope, that was written so well. Your mother is so lucky to have you listening and advocating for her. The tears and despair must be overwhelming for you, too, so I hope you have someone to listen to and support you. Therapists are handy for that.
My ex also tried to take away everything, and he too had a calculated smear campaign, weaponized the courts, and wanted to leave me with nothing, including my life. Yes. he made attempts. When COVID finally eased, I joined a support group run by a domestic violence center. I would have your mom look into those centers, because she qualifies for their help. They see financial, emotional and judicial abuse part of the circle of abuse, especially since they can occur before and after physical abuse.
I filed right before COVID, and he had systematically reached out to our entire social circle with lies, claiming that he left because I was violent, paranoid, waving a gun around and eager to shoot, so it was best for them to stay away entirely. That separated me from friends when I needed them most, and I had no local family.
What helped me immediately was a divorce support group that met online weekly for about five months due to COVID. Although I wouldn’t recommend the therapist who bought the rights to the course and program, going through a structured divorce survival process with others in the same situation offered incredible support, since we interacted a lot (online) outside of class. Five years later, some are still very connected.
It also helped to have a remarkable therapist who eventually said, “I wish that man would die.” I have a child with special needs and got support from that group. And because he had secretly stolen so many assets, I qualified for case managers from social service agencies, who provided emotional support as well as practical assistance.
Since he’s taking assets and wants her destitute, follow the advice given here by another chump to get the court to order cheater to pay for a forensic accountant.
Thanks for being there for your mom through so much prolonged and calculated stress.
Looking for Hope,
I’m going through litigation abuse right now with an ExFW I left over a decade ago, with whom I share 50/50 legal custody of a child he forced conception of. He hasn’t complied with a single court order regarding support; I haven’t been reimbursed for any variable or medical support, and he has a long history of hiding his income to adjust base support on top of funding for attorneys he doesn’t pay, by his bunny boilers who have harassed us over the past several years.
I had the additional betrayal of discovering that my first law firm not only represented him in a criminal case I was basing my original custody changes on, but also had not one but two paralegals who were either friends with him or his former girlfriends.
Then I switched to a different law firm, which sold its business shortly after taking my case. The attorney of record was different from the one I was assigned to. That attorney left after a huge corporate merger, and the one listed on the record didn’t know anything about me, my kid, or my case when an emergency came up. She wanted an additional $7k to answer questions about the new emergency relating to my case.
I left to go to the attorney I was assigned to she was fine until the retainer went threw then she, sent my private contact I do during negotiations to my abusive ex who I had restraining orders on for domestic violence and child abuse, she misfiled paperwork in two states then threatened to withdrawal because she didn’t like my tone when I called her out on the multiple errors in the paperwork she was sending out. I didn’t realize the extent of the damage to the case until after, and I still keep finding new ways she messed up.
I have worked with various low-cost or pro bono providers to try to resolve all outstanding issues. Still, ExFW refuses to stipulate to the remaining issues or to comply with current court orders, so we are back in the thick of it, at least with child support.
My FOO chose ExFW over me because my brother was friends with ExFW. They didn’t think any of the reasons I gave for leaving weren’t good enough (domestic abuse, child abuse, substance abuse, double lives, p*rn addiction, OWHoworkers ) a few years ago when I asked for their support and instructions for them to follow specific safety plans after ExFWs bunnyboiler stalking for so bad I thought they were at risk did I find out not only did they know they knew about it for years because ExFWS BB was friends with my brother. They didn’t care at all about how the stalking was affecting my family or me. It was and is still the hardest betrayal to handle by far after I went into preterm labor from the stress and went no contact, which was followed by forgiveness trolling, flying monkey extended family.
At the most recent hearing I realized that the child support office doesn’t follow the laws or proper procedures as in they were trying to give him an insurance credit he has failed to provide for 5 years and didnt do a full audit of job history ( ExFW) switched jobs to a low paying job right after being served by CS about up coming modifications and the CS office only took his employers word for it and only a snap shot of his newest lowest income. I know it’s just bureaucratic laziness, and when I called it out in front of the judge, they changed it, but now I have to do the heavy lifting to resolve it.
It’s exhausting. My eldest was in preschool when I left ExFW and is now like a year away from high school. The only memories my eldest has of ExFW are bad ones, and ExFW is the one subject that, as a rule in our home, makes my athletic, well-adjusted kid turn into a shell of himself. We don’t talk about ExFW, but we know he knows because of how much time and money has gone into the legal stuff. My eldest has seen ExFW in like maybe a dozen years or so and wants his husband, his stepdad, to adopt him, and my husband wants to adopt my eldest as well, but we can’t because of litigation abuse. ( ExFW originally agreed to it until it was time to sign the paperwork; he hasn’t asked about or made decisions about eldest child in as much time, so when I tried to get full legal custody he fought me tooth and nail over it.) I realize there is a silver lining: we live far enough away from the ExFWs. I only have to deal with the inefficient legal system for a few more years, and my eldest really did get lucky having my husband as his father figure.
Your mom is lucky to have you in her support system, and that you recognize what’s happening and want what’s best for her. That’s a beautiful thing, and she is truly blessed in that regard. If your mom would like to commiserate with fellow anonymous chumps of the world and unload her righteous anger about her her litigation abuse following an infidelity nightmare, we are here to help in whatever ways we can.
My exFW took me back to court after we were divorced in order to lower my alimony. I screwed up. I didn’t fight. I shouldn’t have listened when my lawyer said “FW can spend all his money on s$x workers and blow and it won’t matter. He’ll win.” And he did. My alimony went from a substantial amount that helped me survive to a laughable amount that doesn’t even pay for my son’s health insurance monthly. My ex traveled to 18 countries in 18 months, spending all of his money until he had nothing left. Something he literally told me he would do in order not to pay me. It worked. I lost. I lost everything and had to sell my house and then split the profits 50/50 with him.
Am I mad? Yes. Am I sad? Yes. But I get up every day and I do the work. I got a job. It is not a career and it doesn’t even cover my rent, but it was all I could get after twenty years of being a SAHM. No college, no career. I am living off the profits from the house and doing my best to work my way up at my job to hopefully make enough money to at least cover my rent. It is hard. It is humiliating. But I am doing it. I just hope it’s enough to survive.
I’m so sorry to hear this. I also shouldn’t have listened to my crap divorce lawyer who shouted at me and seemed like she was working for FW who blew tons of marital assets on strip mall escorts.
There are low cost associates programs training people for very in demand allied health careers that would at least offer stability.
I survived 28 years of litigation abuse by plodding along. My FW died 6 years ago tomorrow. I had great legal representation. His sister found out he had 17 active restraining orders against him when he passed away. But I’m #1 !!!!
Dear LFH, litigation abuse is one of the last things that a vindictive narcissistic man can legally inflict on a chump. Like the men in power in this country who want to see women reduced to chattel, your bio dad is at his most vicious now that he knows his power over your mom is about to end. This doesn’t make things any easier for your mom, but it’s context.
I encourage you to read about narcissistic abuse—Leah McElrath is an excellent resource on Bluesky—to see that your bio dad’s behavior is textbook. He isn’t unusual! This insight helped me so much when I was being abused by my FW in family court.
My FW got away with draining marital assets, manipulating our mediator to limit and quickly end spousal and child support, and then, once I was barely making ends meet, suing me to try to get support from me while he was conveniently “unemployed” (living off an inheritance, liquidated stock, and Schmoopie’s income). The judge laughed him out of court, but almost 6 years later, FW still threatens me over the parenting software that he’s going to sue me again. Go ahead, big guy. He no longer frightens me. EMDR helped a lot.
Sending tons of love to you and your mom, who absolutely is going to get through this. PeaceSeeker’s beautiful note about the “small apartment/big life” as compared to my FW’s gigantic house with his Schmoopie (another cheating POS) also aptly describes my life.
“He isn’t unusual.” You are right! I’ve had a deeper dive of CL’s blog earlier and discussed with my mom. Knowing that these FW’s all use the same generic tactics is actually weirdly comforting.
I am so sorry and horrified to hear that your ex continues to abuse and harass you (and that he’s thick enough to do so in written form…). It always baffles me how someone can look at the mother of their kids and spew vitriol. It’s disgusting.
Cheers to no longer letting these abusers scare any of us, and to better beginnings!
Very sorry, but I had a visceral reaction to this: “I firmly refuse to encourage any ‘woe is me’ behavior…”
Dude. She is not feeling sorry for herself. She is in survival mode. Woe IS her. For real. She’s not making up pity stories. Does she need to fight back? Yes. Can she? Well, no, not while she’s under constant assault.
It’s lovely that you want to help her, but maybe objective (outside) support would be best for her? Again — sorry — but that stray comment made me wonder if she is being given enough room to go ahead and grieve / collapse / freak out, etc. All of those emotions are part of the process.
Hi,
That comment was not phrased clearly enough. It was exclusively referring to me not encouraging that sort of attitude for MYSELF as I had spent so much time worrying about helping my mom make it out the other side- “oh poor me, I can’t even make my mom feel better”, “if my mom doesn’t get justice I’ll be sad forever alongside with her”, etc. Sometimes witnessing someone’s else’s grief can plunge you into a weird state of mind.
As for my mom, she has every right to the entire spectrum of human emotion to something so abusive happening to her. I just don’t want her to lose her amazing self in the process.