He Flirted with Me and Now Ignores Me
She’s in high school and doesn’t understand why this guy who came on strong now ignores her.
***
Dear Chump Lady,
There is a guy from my 12th grade.
He would flirt with me all the time.
We sat together in class. At the prom he tried to seduce me. In the hallway he looked me up and down. We had a moment in class when he looked blew a kiss to me.
He said we were together. He asked, “How is my girlfriend?”
Now he won’t even talk to me.
He’s with someone that doesn’t look as good as me.
Heartbroken691
***
Dear Heartbroken691,
So, Mr. Mixed Signals isn’t available for a relationship? Great.
I know it’s disappointing to get your hopes up about someone, and think they feel a mutual attraction — and you have evidence of this! — only be whipsawed with a sudden discard.
You feel played.
Welcome to dating. I know you’re only in the 12th grade, but rejection is a lifelong lesson. Learning how to handle these kicks in the teeth is an important skillset. You didn’t give me a lot of detail in your letter about how you handled it. You signed yourself as “heartbroken” and have comforted yourself with a superficial comparison to his new “girlfriend.”
Rookie mistakes.
I want you to reframe this.
He doesn’t have the power to break your heart.
Disappoint you? Yes. Piss you off by toying with your affections? Make you believe you were special to him and then ignore you? Ouch. It all sucks. But your heart is reserved for deeper investments. This thing fizzled before it began, and thank goodness! I know it doesn’t feel that way, but an apprentice f**kwit could hurt you way worse.
People with shallow attachments show a lack of care across the board. My mom brain can imagine many calamities. He could leave you drunk at a party. He could have unprotected sex. Or he could drive intoxicated.
Reserve your heart for people who demonstrate they CARE for you. That’s very different than finding you hot.
YOU ARE THE DECIDER.
A boy flirts with you? So what? Put your energy there. YOU ARE THE DECIDER. You are the prize. Don’t make him the arbiter of your worth. Would you choose HIM? He doesn’t get special powers because he finds you attractive. Girl, you’re 17 or 18 years old. You’re at the apex of attractive. The world is your oyster. (Again, I know it doesn’t feel that way. I have been a 17 year old girl.)
But I want you to go out there feeling mighty. Don’t wait to be chosen and think you have to roll with that. Make a friend (okay, a hot friend), someone you admire, and hold out for mutuality and reciprocity. Only invest in people who invest back.
Hot/cold. Intense/ignoring — those are mixed signals. And mixed signals are one big sign saying:
Not available for a relationship.
Yet, the intermittent rewards of a FW’s attention are addictive. There’s brain science behind this. Ooh, he’s so powerful! He turns his attentions on and off! Will I get lucky today?
Wrong way to think about this. Sincere people are congruent in word and deed. If they’re interested, they ACT interested. From what you described this guy is all superficial words and leering at you. A sincere person would not presume to be your girlfriend until he’d earned that honorific. Read up on love bombing.
Another way to look at this is — the guy who broke your heart is in the 12th grade. He might be an apprentice FW, he might also be a socially immature teenager. It’s hard to say. Maybe he felt his Rico Suave moves weren’t working on you so he went after easier prey. You never mention if you succumbed to his “boyfriend” moves. He may simply have moved on, and you’re hurt and confused.
Interest works both ways. Again, I come back to mutuality and reciprocity. Maybe you sensed his insincerity but enjoyed his flirting?
A guy like that probably calls a lot of women his “girlfriend.” The new girl isn’t special, she’s just next. So if he flirts with you again — remember there’s nothing to win. Because no one is special to people like that.
It could also be he doesn’t talk to you because he has a girlfriend now. In which case, shrug and move on.
YOU ARE THE DECIDER.
You’re in the driver seat. Never forget your worth. ((Hugs))
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In addition to being skeptical about HIS availability, use this time to determine yours.
What are your goals for yourself? Are you pursuing the education and skills you need to be an independent adult?
Your own achievements will help you recognize maturity and kindness in others.
Heartbroken,
This high school boys’ game is nothing new. The same boy who will flirt with you in homeroom is also likely flirting with others in hours 1-7, at lunch in the halls, after school at practice, at his part-time job, while out grocery shopping with his mom, heck, even after church on Sunday brunch. We used to call those boys players because they treated us girls like a game to be won.
What I find so impressive about you is that your intuition knows that he was giving mixed signals, and instead of picking me dancing, you took your time did some research and contacted Chump Lady for solid advice.
What a mighty young thing you are.
If a man wants you, he will come and get you.
Never chase a boy. Stop wondering if he is thinking about you– he is not, other than perhaps to see if he can make you jump for him again.
Never want a relationship so badly that you will change yourself for someone. The ones who play those games are losers, especially those like this obvious jerk who toyed with you. Let him go play his games elsewhere and leave yours open to the kind and decent fellow out there who will be so glad you didn’t get your soul dented by Mr. Shiny Jackass. Choose decency.
You making the right decisions about men during these years will change the rest of your life.
Get Natalie Lue’s Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl and take it to heart.