He Flirted with Me and Now Ignores Me
She’s in high school and doesn’t understand why this guy who came on strong now ignores her.
***
Dear Chump Lady,
There is a guy from my 12th grade.
He would flirt with me all the time.
We sat together in class. At the prom he tried to seduce me. In the hallway he looked me up and down. We had a moment in class when he looked blew a kiss to me.
He said we were together. He asked, “How is my girlfriend?”
Now he won’t even talk to me.
He’s with someone that doesn’t look as good as me.
Heartbroken691
***
Dear Heartbroken691,
So, Mr. Mixed Signals isn’t available for a relationship? Great.
I know it’s disappointing to get your hopes up about someone, and think they feel a mutual attraction — and you have evidence of this! — only be whipsawed with a sudden discard.
You feel played.
Welcome to dating. I know you’re only in the 12th grade, but rejection is a lifelong lesson. Learning how to handle these kicks in the teeth is an important skillset. You didn’t give me a lot of detail in your letter about how you handled it. You signed yourself as “heartbroken” and have comforted yourself with a superficial comparison to his new “girlfriend.”
Rookie mistakes.
I want you to reframe this.
He doesn’t have the power to break your heart.
Disappoint you? Yes. Piss you off by toying with your affections? Make you believe you were special to him and then ignore you? Ouch. It all sucks. But your heart is reserved for deeper investments. This thing fizzled before it began, and thank goodness! I know it doesn’t feel that way, but an apprentice f**kwit could hurt you way worse.
People with shallow attachments show a lack of care across the board. My mom brain can imagine many calamities. He could leave you drunk at a party. He could have unprotected sex. Or he could drive intoxicated.
Reserve your heart for people who demonstrate they CARE for you. That’s very different than finding you hot.
YOU ARE THE DECIDER.
A boy flirts with you? So what? Put your energy there. YOU ARE THE DECIDER. You are the prize. Don’t make him the arbiter of your worth. Would you choose HIM? He doesn’t get special powers because he finds you attractive. Girl, you’re 17 or 18 years old. You’re at the apex of attractive. The world is your oyster. (Again, I know it doesn’t feel that way. I have been a 17 year old girl.)
But I want you to go out there feeling mighty. Don’t wait to be chosen and think you have to roll with that. Make a friend (okay, a hot friend), someone you admire, and hold out for mutuality and reciprocity. Only invest in people who invest back.
Hot/cold. Intense/ignoring — those are mixed signals. And mixed signals are one big sign saying:
Not available for a relationship.
Yet, the intermittent rewards of a FW’s attention are addictive. There’s brain science behind this. Ooh, he’s so powerful! He turns his attentions on and off! Will I get lucky today?
Wrong way to think about this. Sincere people are congruent in word and deed. If they’re interested, they ACT interested. From what you described this guy is all superficial words and leering at you. A sincere person would not presume to be your girlfriend until he’d earned that honorific. Read up on love bombing.
Another way to look at this is — the guy who broke your heart is in the 12th grade. He might be an apprentice FW, he might also be a socially immature teenager. It’s hard to say. Maybe he felt his Rico Suave moves weren’t working on you so he went after easier prey. You never mention if you succumbed to his “boyfriend” moves. He may simply have moved on, and you’re hurt and confused.
Interest works both ways. Again, I come back to mutuality and reciprocity. Maybe you sensed his insincerity but enjoyed his flirting?
A guy like that probably calls a lot of women his “girlfriend.” The new girl isn’t special, she’s just next. So if he flirts with you again — remember there’s nothing to win. Because no one is special to people like that.
It could also be he doesn’t talk to you because he has a girlfriend now. In which case, shrug and move on.
YOU ARE THE DECIDER.
You’re in the driver seat. Never forget your worth. ((Hugs))
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Lord, if only I had this type of advice at that age. My life would have turned out so different and way less painful. Thank you for being here for so man of us, Tracy! Your insight is invaluable! And Kudos to the young reader for reaching out. She is getting such a priceless life lesson she can carry with her always!
Shallow is a good word for this dude. He definitely is shacking up with the highest bidder, which is the person that gives him the most kibbles and attention, the kind he wants. Love bombing doesn’t work on the first one, the second one, third one…whatever, he just moves on until he finds a person it does work on. I feel sorry for that person as they are in for a nasty devaluation and discard at a later date.
Good luck to this young woman! If she heeds Tracy’s words of wisdom, she will do just fine!
This guy is just not deep and in the words of my first ExHC …he goes fishing and throws back the fish if he doesn’t like it. Just like that
In addition to being skeptical about HIS availability, use this time to determine yours.
What are your goals for yourself? Are you pursuing the education and skills you need to be an independent adult?
Your own achievements will help you recognize maturity and kindness in others.
Bumper sticker I saw…a relationship with a man is nor a retirement plan. Forge your own life and don’t wait to be chosen
Heartbroken,
This high school boys’ game is nothing new. The same boy who will flirt with you in homeroom is also likely flirting with others in hours 1-7, at lunch in the halls, after school at practice, at his part-time job, while out grocery shopping with his mom, heck, even after church on Sunday brunch. We used to call those boys players because they treated us girls like a game to be won.
What I find so impressive about you is that your intuition knows that he was giving mixed signals, and instead of picking me dancing, you took your time did some research and contacted Chump Lady for solid advice.
What a mighty young thing you are.
If a man wants you, he will come and get you.
Never chase a boy. Stop wondering if he is thinking about you– he is not, other than perhaps to see if he can make you jump for him again.
Never want a relationship so badly that you will change yourself for someone. The ones who play those games are losers, especially those like this obvious jerk who toyed with you. Let him go play his games elsewhere and leave yours open to the kind and decent fellow out there who will be so glad you didn’t get your soul dented by Mr. Shiny Jackass. Choose decency.
You making the right decisions about men during these years will change the rest of your life.
Get Natalie Lue’s Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl and take it to heart.
So um…did you even LIKE this guy? I feel like we are missing information here.
I imagine that there was something more there-I get it, the hurt is fresh and that makes it hard to get your thoughts out. And I’m sorry that this idiot did this to you.
It sounds like he was checking you out a lot and he made a lot of moves. Was there anything official apart from him declaring that you were his girlfriend? Were you the prom date?
He sounds like an idiot.
Reading this today-I am having A LOT of flashbacks to dating in high school. Actual decades have passed since that time in my life. A lot of things have come and gone. Sadly it seems like “pump and dump” teen dating has withstood the test of time.
And like our fearless leader said, it’s fortunate that you have started to learn to cope with this NOW. Because frankly? At least in my experience, it doesn’t necessarily stop. They get you all excited, they make you feel like you’re the only one in the world, you start building an imaginary world…and then they ghost. Happened to me recently as a matter of fact. And it still stings a bit.
Echoing the sentiments around here-those people simply are not worth your time. If they do not have the decency to either make things official with you or let you know that they are moving on, they suck and are not worth your time. Period.
I know it’s hard to hear right now-You are going to find better, more mature, more respectful people as time progresses. That is a real thing. And you are going to get hurt sometimes. There are plenty of cowards and bastards out there. Read this blog some more-you get a pretty good idea what the longer-term consequences of other people being cowards are.
Now is the time to start to assert your self-worth, establish boundaries, and figure out what hills you are ready to die on when it comes to romantic partnerships. The first test of that is when this idiot comes back around when he is done with his downgrade. Do not tolerate that-you will get burned. I repeat: keep reading this blog. If this is how he behaves when nothing is on the line, imagine the horrors he can and will inflict if something serious does happen.
Happy Tuesday to Those that Celebrate!
At the age of 19, I met a 20 year old guy and we dated for about three months. Then he suddenly ghosted me. This was quite confusing, because on the surface we seemed to be fairly well matched. About a decade later, we ended up in the same city and started dating again. Guess what… he ghosted me after almost exactly three months. When, a couple of years later, he emailed me again, I blocked him without any notice. Should have done that earlier.
Yes, I believe people can change. However, if that had been the case, he wouldn’t have tried to date me again (repeatedly!), I think (if only out of sheer embarrassment).
So the idiot dates 4 people a year on average? Huh. Was it actually on the changing of the seasons? Did he wait for the solstice?
I DO believe that people can change (sort of my career path, y’know?) That said-you kind of have to risk them NOT changing. Past behavior is a very strong predictor of future action. You were wise to block him when he tried the third time.
I think “finding out that I’m actually in a polycule” is probably only a step or two above “finding out that I’m in a rotation” on my big list of “hills that I will die on”.
I also imagine these “people” would prefer to reconnect on the condition that there is no uncomfortable conversation about why they ghosted previously. I dunno, I just don’t have time for that kind of behavior from people anymore.
Not sure whether someone else was involved in my case. Apparently, during the ten years between our “relationships”, he had been in a long-distance relationship with someone else, but there was no true physical intimacy between them due to some health issues on her side. He still idealized her while we were together. However, he seemed to be very physically attracted to me. Maybe (for some weird reason) that was the issue for him and the reason for both “ghostings”. None of us never brought it up (we had both been raised Catholic, which may have played a part as well). Anyway, it was a pattern, for sure (and quite clearly not my fault).
I’ve been privy to some decades long observations of people, platonic and romantically. The pattern is set. Several therapist friends say the same, a young adult’s core personality is formed. A player type won’t magically morph into an upstanding husband-father decades later.
It’s a very harmful fairy tale sold to young women, that the love of a good woman is what all that a bad boy needs to turn good. It gives FW a conveyor belt of younger and younger victims to ensnare. Real life has shown us here that “once a cheater always a cheater” is nearly 100% true.
Quite amazed a teenager found this website!
Also, while many young men may be immature and h*rny, the decent ones will still have second thoughts about their behavior, I believe. They won’t flaunt the next girlfriend right into her predecessor’s face, as this guy appears to be doing.
While I believe there are many cr*ppy men out there, I don’t think most guys are like him. They are just more visible because they will approach a large number of targets from an early age. Most young women are going to encounter some guys like him (I certainly did). Telling women their love might “save” someone like that is absolutely toxic. I completely agree with you.
At that age most boys don’t want a GF just a warm place to put it. You ultimately want a man who will be willing to lay down his life for you. So don’t be disappointed. Men in general cast a wide net. For every 20 women they flirt with one will bite. So women are the one who ultimately do the picking. Try to pick a genuinely nice guy. Focus on your picker skills and you will eventually get a nice guy.
Dear Heartbroken–please don’t be. He isn’t worth your suffering. You just learned a hard and ugly lesson that Some Guys Will Do That (get you all sparked up and hopeful, and then vanish). Not all men! But be a little cautious about how you open your heart. Be suspicious of sudden, overwhelming attention (we call it love-bombing, and it’s step #1 for these narcissist freaks). Take a step back and think about what kind of person you want to be– so far I see kind, honest, true. Think about how you will earn your living, what kind of job or career would not only pay you, but give you some pleasure and satisfaction (one secret to happiness is finding work you love). Become a whole, functioning, independent person, with friends and interests and things you love to do. And when a chance for love comes your way, you get to choose. Use your twenties to work out plans for your future–whether its more schooling, or job training, or time as a volunteer– find what you love to do, what makes you happy. Happy, functioning people attract attention–train your “picker” to tell the wheat from the chaff. You are already mighty–you’ve got this. Go live your precious, beautiful life in confidence and joy–and the right person, who treats you well, will come your way.
Dear Heartbroken, there is one additional piece of advice from me (a woman who is several decades older than you): Please ignore all people who may tell you to “play hard to get”, intentionally flirt with others in order to “make him jealous” or use other manipulative tactics like that. He is just not worth it. Please don’t stoop to his level. I am saying this because when I was young, a lot of advice like that was going around. I’m afraid it still exists. It’s wrong.
And if you start ignoring him and he happens to show interest in you again, keep ignoring him. He had his chance and blew it. End of story.
Also (and here I somewhat disagree with Chump Lady): Not all girls or women look their “hottest” at the age of 17. Personally, I looked much better in my mid to late twenties than I ever did in my teens. However, this isn’t about looks (especially not yours or other girls’). This is about his lack of maturity or lack of character or both.
Heartbroken691,
The only power that this boy (and I’ll emphasise the word “boy) has over you and your future is the power that you give him. His mixed messaging and game playing prove that he is not worthy of you …. so have the confidence to know this and act on it. Give him none of your power, ignore him and walk away with your head held high and self-respect intact.
LFTT
What a loser. You have all the time in the world to find somebody who is worthy of you. Don’t waste time and emotion on obvious players like this dude.
A mild rebuke; mentioning that he is seeing somebody not as good-looking as you is kind of catty. Never compete with other women for men, let alone worthless men. Keep the girl code and don’t respond to in guys who are dating somebody else, but do tell her he was hitting on you. If she’s not a nice person she might try to blame it on you and ruin your reputation, so if you think that’s likely, say nothing and just street clear of both of them.
In HS at age 16, I was” picked” by a very cute but huge flirter guy, and was asked to go steady. I got to wear his watch and received really nice gifts from his mom who sold Avon. I mean a gold box I still have. He teased, hugged and laughed with other girls but I believed I was the chosen one!! A few months in, a mutual friend begged my forgiveness for “making -out “with my steady boyfriend after gym class. He also—sort of asked for forgiveness saying he “could not help it”. Unfortunately it was a pattern. I broke it off but then begged him back. He said he had moved on..to many others.
My dear, that was a pattern in my life. After marrying 2 cheaters, I continue to forgive until I STOPPED. I Truly have never seen a player change into a respectable man. But what do I know.. I’d be grateful now when they show me who they are early in the relationship rather than after children come or you’ve invested 30 years of your life. I would count my blessings now, and move on. 17 years old or 75.
My favorite simple advice came from the movie About Time. Bill Nighy plays the father and gives the toast at the son’s wedding:
“Try and marry someone kind.”
Whether choosing someone to date, marry, or have as a friend, try to choose someone kind.
If you see they are not, heed the memo and walk. And this doesn’t mean it won’t hurt.
Failure to communicate honestly hurts people.
Mixed messages are manipulative and cruel.
In other words, unkind.
Saying NO to things you don’t want is the fastest way to have what you do want. And trust us here when we say that an emotionally immature person with poor-to-none communication skills is a poor choice for an intimate partner.
My experience has been that grief and loss is a challenging odyssey which always at some point leads back to renewed peace and joy.
♥️
I have realized at the age of 67 that the thing I most want to leave behind me is for people to say, “She was kind.”
💕 x
Hey hun,
Being heartbroken by a teenage dirtbag is almost like an unofficial rite of passage for every high school girl. When I was your age, I, too, was heartbroken by a similar FW until I discovered beer pong and sorority parties (and raging hangovers) in my first week of college. Now, if I could go back in time, I would skip the drinking bit entirely (no, really), but what I’m trying to say is, life moves SO fast when you are this young. You may be hurting now (and understandably so), but I promise you that this will be old news sooner than you know. Whether you’re moving away for college, starting a new job, studying for an exam, or anything in between, you’ll have plenty of things to distract yourself from this guy. And if that doesn’t help? Find more distractions.
Go dancing with your friends. Volunteer in your community. Learn a completely random skill.
You have your whole life ahead of you. Don’t forget that.
Sending you a virtual hug!