Should I Confront My Ex-Wife About Her History of Cheating?

He’s been a “nice guy” but now that they’re divorced, he wants to confront is ex-wife about her serial cheating. But he’s going to wait until after she throws him a birthday party.

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Dear Chump Lady,

My wife and I were married for 22 years. She had two known affairs and two suspected ones. The first one was 10 years in and it lasted about 18 months.

She eventually cut it off and even had the police issue the guy a cease-and-desist order to prevent him from contacting her. I thought that was a good sign and I thought we were going to be on the path of recovery.

That was in 2013. Fast forward to 2019… my wife seemed unhappy and decided to go back and finish school. She also went to work to pay for tuition. While working, she met a coworker that was 13 years younger than her and fell in love.

I suspected the affair, but I couldn’t prove it.

It went on for 4 years until she finally confessed it to me. But even then, it was just an admission and not an apology, but she said it was over and I wanted to believe her.

Things may have been over physically and emotionally between them, but she refused to sever ties with him. They were friends before the affair, so she felt like they should be able to be friends afterwards as well. That didn’t sit well with me, but I wasn’t ready to break apart the family over it. (We have 5 kids)

Even after the affair ended though, things were distant. She was unhappy. We didn’t have any intimacy and we were really just roommates. We didn’t fight. Or argue. We just co-existed. We did care about each other’s well-being though and we worked well as a team, but that didn’t help us become close.

My wife took my daughter and her mom on a cruise for my daughter’s graduation. She met a Royal Caribbean waiter that she thought was handsome and charming. I guess they talked a lot and spent a lot of time together. My daughter thought this was messed up, but not wanting to create drama, she didn’t come home and tell me about it.

They messaged and stuff without my knowledge.

I didn’t even know about this guy until my wife’s niece who heard about him from my daughter told me. I confronted my wife about him and she just said they were pen pals (via text). But then she went on another cruise with a female co-worker and it just so happened that it was the same cruise ship that this guy worked on and they met up again.

When she got home I asked her if she saw him and she said yes, but that nothing happened and they were never alone together.

Meanwhile, she had graduated from school and got a job as an elementary school teacher. She taught a couple years and then near the end of the school year two years ago, she “took a few days off.” It turns out, she didn’t take time off. She was put on administrative leave while the District launched an investigation into her conduct with the janitor, who is 15 years younger and still lives with his parents.

Some other teachers complained about their relationship. They didn’t find anything in the investigation, but they still gave her a directive not to not be in the same room as him without someone else present.

She told me that everything was blown out of proportion.

That nothing ever happened, and the teachers that complained just don’t like her. It didn’t feel right, but any time I probed or questioned, I was made to feel like a jerk and like I was the bad guy for not believing her. 

Things were still distant between us and over the course of the next year, that distance continued to grow. She wouldn’t answer my calls or texts. She wouldn’t let me know when she was leaving work. It just all seemed sketchy. So, I put a gps tracker on her car. Turns out, she was going to the janitor’s house. She ended up finding the tracker and got all mad and said she couldn’t live under a microscope anymore and two days later, she filed for divorce. 

I am a chump — the typical “nice guy”.

And I am incredibly loyal and believe that commitments and marriage covenants should be honored. I had decided long ago that come hell or high water, I would figure out how to make my marriage work. We cared about each other’s well-being. We showed up for the kids, but deep communication and any sort of physical intimacy had stopped. I knew my wife wanted out for a while, and I saw my marriage slipping through my fingers.

So, in typical nice guy fashion, I stepped up my game.

I did more around the house, I was more involved with the kids. And I bought her gifts and constantly provided acts of service. All my efforts were received, but without any thanks. She didn’t want any of that. She had admitted that she had turned her feelings off and gave me the “I love you but I am not in love with you” line.

For a while, she even said that she could see us just being roommates forever, that all changed with the GPS tracker discovery.

I know that finding the tracker and using that as a reason for divorce was just an excuse and she had really left the marriage years prior, but here is what is crazy:

We were still friends.

We could go out with other couples and enjoy ourselves and even our time out. When it came to the kids, we were able to work well together. I kept looking at the situation and thinking we had so many things going for us, but she just wasn’t willing to try.

The other crazy thing is that as soon as papers were filed, things actually got better. We talked more, we started watching shows together and a lot of the coldness in the house dissipated. I think it was really just my wife seeing a light at the end of the tunnel, but we still took the family on a fun Spring Break.

We had tearful conversations and cuddled in bed for the first time in years as we just held each other knowing it was all coming to an end. We talked about how after the divorce, we could still be friends and go on vacations together with the kids and still go on double dates with our friend groups. The outlook didn’t seem all that bad. 

The divorce was amicable.

No fights. No arguments. Both attorneys said they never saw anything like it. We were kind and cooperative. Even after the divorce was finalized, we slept in the same bed for nearly a month until she had a place ready to move into.

That is when things got super heavy for me. Three days after she moved out, we were still new to the custody stuff and the kids moving back and forth. I took my son over to her house around 10pm to grab his shoes he left. She was all off standish and irritated that I brought him over. She had answered the door in sexy pajamas and was acting weird.

I left with my son and as I was driving away, I saw a familiar truck around the corner…the janitor’s.

We hadn’t been divorced for a full month.

We had only been living apart for 3 days, and she was already banging this dude. I was a wreck. At this point, I knew that their relationship was much more than what she had said. I also knew that I was successful in nearly all aspects of my life and I worked dang hard to try and make my marriage work, but I was replaced by an elementary school custodian that still lives with his parents. He was only six years old when my wife and I got married.

That night, my self-esteem hit rock bottom. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have (un-aliving) thoughts for the next few days. It was rough, to say the least. 

It’s hard not to want to drive by her house to see if she has him back over there.

I know I shouldn’t care, but it is really hard not to obsess over the betrayal and honestly, there is a significant amount of jealousy that I feel. She gets to feel loved and be intimate while I don’t have any prospects. It is really aggravating. 

Since the divorce, my oldest daughter, the one who was on the cruise, asked me if I knew about the guy my wife met on the cruise (again, this was a few years ago) and I told her I knew of him but I didn’t elaborate or speculate as to the nature of that relationship. Well, she told me that only a few days ago, a package was returned to our house that was addressed to the guy on the cruise.

I guess my wife had sent him a Christmas present that must have had the wrong address and it was returned to my home. My daughter told my ex-wife that it showed up at the house and my ex-wife told her not to tell me about it. So, over the last few years, she has maintained a relationship with this cruise guy while cultivating a relationship with the janitor. 

So, I’ve got a million reasons to be pissed at her. I want to hate her, but I just don’t. I think hating her would be easier than what I am currently feeling. And what is really nuts is that my birthday is coming up and she is organizing a birthday party for me. After that, I need to really start no contact other than kid coordination, but I do have the overwhelming desire to talk to her and let her know that I know about the janitor and the cruise guy.

I want to tell her how bad she hurt me and that she treated me like crap.

I know she would get defensive, mad, and probably lash out at me, but I really want her to feel like a crappy person. It won’t help, but I still want to have that discussion. My kids also want to talk to her. They let me know that they knew about some of her infidelity, and they feel like they need to get all that out in the open and that burden off their chest.

I don’t know if I should schedule a family therapy session or what. They don’t feel comfortable addressing her directly about all this, but they opened up to me and let me know that they have a significant amount of resentment towards her because of her actions. What should I do about that? Would it be helpful for them to talk to her? They want me present to help create a safe environment. 

Everything just seems so complicated at the moment and honestly, I don’t know what to do or how to move forward. Any help you could provide would be appreciated. 

Thanks,

Nice Guy

***

Dear Nice Guy,

I’ve never wanted to bitchslap the chumpiness off someone so bad in all my years as Chump Lady. Prepare to be knocked into orbit.

We need to have a total deprogramming session to unf*ck your mind. Let’s begin with:

She’s not — and has never been — your friend.

You’ve been of use. That’s it. People who love you don’t goad you into humiliating contests with other men and lie to you about it. They don’t blame you for your abuse. Her serial cheating isn’t a minor character flaw — fraudulence is her entire operating system.

Throwing you a birthday party (DEAR GOD MAN! Do you feel me reaching across the interwebz to shake you?) is IMPRESSION MANAGEMENT for HER benefit. To demonstrate to the world that what she did wasn’t so bad that you won’t sit down and eat cake with her.

Eat cake!

So fitting! She’s been a cake eater your entire marriage. Enjoying the benefits of married status and a buffet of dick on the side. That’s either okay with you, or it’s not okay. Because you’re writing to me, I assume it’s NOT okay with you. But you stuffed all that down because why? Niceness?

You’re not a ‘nice guy’ — you’re an avoidant guy.

High off the fumes of the Reconciliation Industrial Complex you’re framing all your doormat behavior as conciliatory and “nice.” Yum, yum sh*t sandwiches. Thank you, I’ll have another. Time after time, you have rewarded her entitled behavior and cloaked it in nobility. Hey, you’re nice.

I absolutely understand the vice grip of investment. The years together, the five children. Not wanting to lose your family. Everyone here understands those forces. And yet. You did not consent to be cheated on. It’s not okay with you. And you did not stand up for yourself and assert that you MATTER.

She eventually cut it off and even had the police issue the guy a cease-and-desist order to prevent him from contacting her. I thought that was a good sign and I thought we were going to be on the path of recovery.

This is some RIC bullshit right here. The Other Man wasn’t the problem. He’s not the menace to contain. Your wife was the traitor. The problem was her crappy character the entire time.

Sure, you can send a cease and desist letter, and as you discovered (repeatedly), she’ll just find a new sucker because THE PROBLEM IS HER CRAPPY CHARACTER.

She was unhappy.

You were unhappy. But who did you f*ck on a cruise?

You could never control her lack of investment.

This was never your problem to solve. And yet — again I’ll blame the RIC for stoking your hopium — you tried to “up your game.” Meet further abuse with nice!

I did more around the house, I was more involved with the kids. And I bought her gifts and constantly provided acts of service. All my efforts were received, but without any thanks.

She cheated. What was she doing to up HER game? Why did you think this was YOUR problem to solve? She didn’t thank you because you’re a spousal appliance. Your service is assumed. Absolutely be involved with your kids, but do that for THEM, not because you think it will control your wife’s wandering genitalia. Besides someone has to stay home while she’s out cruising for janitors.

We could go out with other couples and enjoy ourselves and even our time out. When it came to the kids, we were able to work well together. I kept looking at the situation and thinking we had so many things going for us, but she just wasn’t willing to try

Why were you willing to try?

What made you think this awful person was a prize? Besides your investment and your five kids. The way she treats you like crap? The way she unfolds her napkin when you’re out with others? WTF, Dude?

That’s me reading that sentence.

She cheats, she lies, she BLAMES YOU FOR THE DIVORCE — and the consequence is… you fluff her pillows.

Look, man, I’m a chump. I’m here among a nation of chumps, but you can’t keep hurting yourself this way.

You. Are. Divorced.

We had only been living apart for 3 days, and she was already banging this dude.

What did you think you were going to accomplish with cuddles? “She was already” banging this guy? SHE’S BEEN WITH HIM FOR YEARS at this point. And now! You’re DIVORCED! She’s totally permitted to conduct her life in any f*cked up matter she chooses to. And you’re permitted to steer clear of her toxic orbit and yet you can’t seem to stop pick me dancing for the honor of her duplicity.

I’m sorry you lost the pick me dance.

Losing the pick me dance is winning, but you can’t see that. I’m actually not sorry you lost it, I’m sorry you want to win it. Even now. Even after her umpteenth affair and quadrillionth lie.

So, I’ve got a million reasons to be pissed at her. I want to hate her, but I just don’t. I think hating her would be easier than what I am currently feeling.

I want you to NOTHING her. Strive for indifference. She deserves ZERO of you. What you’re feeling is the dawning awareness that you’ve been a chump. It’s lucidity and it hurts. It’s also liberating. Eventually.

Stop calling her your ‘wife.’

Don’t call her at all.

She’s your past. Your regretful long, mortifying mistake.

And what is really nuts is that my birthday is coming up and she is organizing a birthday party for me.

That is really nuts. You have agency here. You can communicate directly that you do NOT want her to throw a birthday party and you will not be attending. Because she’s not welcome in your life.

SHE DOESN’T CARE HOW YOU FEEL.

I want to tell her how bad she hurt me and that she treated me like crap.

Absolutely terrible idea. She doesn’t care. It’s obvious from her ACTIONS. Why would you stick your head in that blender? Why don’t you take all that energy and go do something improving instead, like clean your sock drawer or write postcards reminding people to vote? Anything — dipping cattle for lice — would be better than discussing your hurt feelings with your serial cheating ex-wife.

Confronting your ex-wife and expecting contrition would be like me confronting a water buffalo and expecting pirouettes. She doesn’t bend that way. It’s not in her interest to admit that she’s a soulless piece of sh*t. But she’ll enjoy the hit of centrality. So, please deny her that.

I was replaced by an elementary school custodian that still lives with his parents.

That’s her karma, Dude. Let her live it. Stay out of the way. She needs a janitor to sweep up all her chaos.

I don’t know if I should schedule a family therapy session or what. They don’t feel comfortable addressing her directly about all this, but they opened up to me and let me know that they have a significant amount of resentment towards her because of her actions.

Your children’s relationship with their mother is THEIR business. Not yours.

Everything just seems so complicated at the moment and honestly, I don’t know what to do or how to move forward.

Nothing about this is complicated. It’s just hard. You don’t want to quit the hopium. You know you must. So, you wrote to me.

Bitch slap delivered.