A Former Affair Partner on Being the Other Woman: ‘You’re Not Special’
A former affair partner looks back in mortification and regret at what it’s like being the Other Woman. It’s not what you think.
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Hi Chump Lady,
I’m a long time lurker and I have a confession — I was the Other Woman. 13 years ago I had an 8-month affair with a man who had a girlfriend.
Though it’s been over a decade and I haven’t spoken to him since around 2014, I can still remember all the things I did. All the stupid choices I made. After reading some of the OW letters, and years of therapy and reflection on my actions, and visiting your site seeing the stories from chumps, I have an open letter to affair partners who come here.
Maybe they’ll listen, maybe I don’t have any room to speak. But I hope something of value can come from it.
Here’s four things I learned after my affair, the therapy I sat through, and the things I had to get real about. I hope others can gain from it:
1) You really are not special.
This is at the top because it’s the biggest thing to internalize. You’re not better than his wife. You’re not The One Who Really Understands. No. You’re the one who’s making themselves available. That’s what they care about. Maybe they really are unhappy in their marriage, but that’s actually none of your business. Someone who deals with marriage problems by cheating will deal with any problems with YOU by doing the same thing, because they’re not mature enough to work through it like an adult. Cheaters don’t like discomfort, they like gratification. Working through marital issues is uncomfortable, and if you buy into their flattery, all you are is gratification.
The man I slept with would tell me all these tales of woe about how he fought with his girlfriend about everything from his friends to what movies to watch. I thought I was so special to be his “shoulder to cry on” and his “peaceful space.” When we ended the affair guess what he did?
…started another one with a married woman.
I wasn’t special, I was just available. Everything about how much he “really” cared was bs and disappeared the moment he thought he was about to get caught. And once he felt sure he wouldn’t, he went for someone else. I felt stupid, used, humiliated. I deserved every moment of those feelings. Which brings me to the next point…
2) You will look like an absolute fool.
There is no amount of inane Dan Savage articles that can make this untrue. You look like a vapid idiot going on about how someone else’s spouse is into you. This is part of the embarrassment. It should be embarrassing to you to think another woman’s spouse is your soulmate. It should absolutely cringe you to the core to talk about a married man like you’re teenagers passing notes in high school. I think back on all the things I said about the man I was sleeping with and my skin crawls at my own words.
Nobody thinks you sound eloquent. They think you’re a floozy. Anyone who doesn’t think you sound like a floozy is probably going to enable you and not someone you should be friends with. Hang out with people who check you on your shit. Don’t hang out with people who think it’s cool for you to be sleeping with someone else’s boyfriend.
3) They won’t leave their spouse, and if they do, they’ll become your problem.
The fantasy shatters pretty easily once they stop trying to charm you, and every bad behavior and annoyance they brought to their marriage (which they probably lied about) will make its way into your life. The nasty socks he left on the wife or girlfriend’s bathroom floor will now be left on your floor. The hair in her sink is now clogging your drain.
The lies he told you about her will become the lies he tells the next one about you.
This ties back into my first point (and another reason why it’s number one) that you’re not special. Someone who has been maintaining trash habits throughout their marriage will not transform into Mr./Ms. Responsible for you. Why would they? Again, cheaters don’t like being uncomfortable, and improving yourself is uncomfortable, long, and requires insight. They don’t want that, they just want someone new to f*ck and then clean up their mess for them.
Are you a person or a mop?
4) They suck, but you do too.
Lurking on Chump Lady I picked up “trust that they suck.” The mantra for chumps having trouble moving past the destruction of the lives they thought they had, with the partner they believed loved them. A lot of betrayed chumps will feel dizzy with the fear of “what if they’re better for the AP?” (Per point number 3…they’re not.)
“Trust that they suck” is true. A cheating spouse sucks, and they deserve the ire of chump lady. I’ve noticed chump lady also is trying to shift the blame off the shoulders of betrayed spouses and put the responsibility on the cheaters where it belongs. But…(again, see point number 1) that mantra of “trust they suck” applies to you too.
If you sleep with a married person (or someone in a monogamous relationship) you suck. If you didn’t know, you deserve some leeway but if you don’t stop when you find out, you still suck.
You’re being selfish at best, abusive at worst. What the betrayed chump doesn’t know can, and is, still hurting them. Lies, possible STDs, pregnancy, all these things are hurtful and destabilizing to an established relationship. Don’t trick yourself into thinking it’s a victimless crime if you’re never caught. Admit you’re making terrible decisions at the cost of someone who doesn’t even know you’re taking from them.
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I cut off the cheater and spent time in therapy trying to figure out what made me do something like that.
I’ve been trying over the last decade to be a better human being and put these actions as far behind me as I can.
I see other APs writing in and making the same cringy excuses as I did.
I leave every AP thinking “Well, my story is different” with this:
Stop. Don’t keep fooling yourselves.
Walk away from this before there’s STDs, secret children, disgusted friends and family and spouses with utterly shattered lives. My affair lasted 8 months, and that was 8 months too long.
If I could go back in time I would have told him off and warned his girlfriend and maybe I could have gained a friend instead of 8 months with a lying a-hole and a lot of shameful regrets. She hates me and had every right to. (I have left her alone for the last 13 years. I hope she’s doing well and is with someone who loves her and is loyal.) Maybe I’d have gotten into therapy sooner to deal with my depression instead of trying to bandage it with something stupid like that. The solution to loneliness is not found in a taken man’s (or woman’s) genitals. Walk away and make better choices.
Being a Better Person
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Dear Being a Better Person,
As the saying goes, “Don’t be sorry, be different.” You’re different now. It sounds like you did the hard, painful work to change and reflect. I appreciate you sharing your hard-won insights, because chumps spend a lot of time glamorizing affairs. And so do the people in them.
After all, without creating an air of being All That, who would fall for it? Who would willingly be the hypotenuse in the triangle unless they thought they would win a prize? The realization for affair partners is the same as it is for chumps:
There is no prize.
There’s just a crappy person at the end of the rainbow.
That isn’t to say the losses and pain are equivalent — they aren’t. Chumps are unknowing and conspired against. Affair partners know they’re competing. But the competition was always pointless. Anyone worth having would NEVER goad you into a humiliating contest for their attention. (The pick me dance.) But we confuse our investment with prizes. We think our time and our emotions matter, that they register with FWs. But it’s all just fuel for their ego.
I’m sure you’ve given some solace to chumps today. And maybe even a few lurking affair partners, current and former out there. Thank you.
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Can we PLEASE get this pinned to the front page? I think this could prevent a lot of future F-wittery if prospective Traitors read this.
You know, there is that part of me that still wants a letter like this from my Traitor (not that it would change anything). If I got this in my inbox? It wouldn’t fix anything, they would not have atoned. But I’d get just another little quantum of solace with how much growth had happened.
I’m glad Being a Better Person figured it out.
Over the years, I worked with directly various people who were convinced that their secret lover at work would eventually divorce the spouse and be with them. To a person, none of them did that. Most stayed married, or divorced and found yet someone else.
In one very public situation at a former job, a very high-level manager had an affair with another high-level manager, even reportedly booking conference rooms for their “meetings.” He divorced his wife and married her. Everybody talked about it. Awkward. Then someone else caught his eye, and he reportedly undermined his wife’s career until she was let go. She left the area, and they got divorced. Yes, the woman in these situations often pays.
Don’t do it.
“The lies he told you about her will become the lies he tells the next one about you” doesn’t just apply to affair partners but also to spouses. If he gets someone new, Cheating Bastard is likely giving the same reasons he left me, Spouse #2, that he had for leaving Spouse #1. He set me up nicely to fit his template. But no longer my circus, no longer my clown.
Nobody’s special to a narc except him/herself. Not even their children unless a “golden child” is particularly useful to the narc FW.
FW first OW was a PhD student and I drove myself crazy wondering if she was better than me somehow. His subsequent known OW were low-life strip mall hook*rs. I am certain in between were coworkers of various ages. Now I realize there is no need to compare.
FW hop from AP to AP because to them each is simply a kibble dispenser with available genitals.
Yes this is it!
Today’s post was great. It’s so different from the usual AP junk that they write here!
I’m a bit stunned and confused. This sounds genuine and from her heart. It goes directly against the grain of the narcissitic excuses/rationalizations most FW’s spew. What confuses me is that I had no idea such former cheaters existed…
I really appreciate this AP’s honesty, especially her admission that APs suck too.
After betrayal it’s so easy to picture your ex and the affair partner living some magical, soft-focus life together. Sunsets. Wine. Puppies!
Nope. They both suck! But it took me an embarrassingly long time to believe that.
I’m confident my ex is exactly who he always was. Still can’t manage his moods. Still stomping around. Still entitled. Still the victim. Still gaslighting. And I’m guessing the porn addiction is chugging right along, which, no doubt, he now blames on her. That’s a special kind of mental triple salchow.
And her? She flirted with a married man and hopped into another couple’s marital bed. She conspired in my abuse…for three years. I don’t need to know anything more about her. So yeah. She sucks too.
They married one year after D-Day. Six years now. A marriage to legitimize an affair is just lipstick on a pig. I don’t know how they trust each other. They both know exactly what the other one is capable of.
They are stuck with each other. I’m free!
To be honest, after 2 men cheated on me all I can say is..the APs CAN HAVE THEM. Whatever the regrets, whatever the sorry that comes years later..it DOES NOT MATTER. The ink of history is dry. These 2 men were horrible once I saw under the mask. I took out the trash and there is no coming back. Their rejection was Gods protection. An affair (s) is the smoke alarm to a raging basement fire. I am the most grateful that these 2+ APs dragged the body away from me. I would not be as thrilled and healthy as I am today without them. They also can keep the treasure of a dementia porn addled brain and unusable hydraulics all to themselves..and you’re welcomed.
“mental triple salchow” is genius! And perfect for my ex, who was a figure skater in his youth.
“Someone who deals with marriage problems by cheating will deal with any problems with YOU by doing the same thing, because they’re not mature enough to work through it like an adult. Cheaters don’t like discomfort, they like gratification. Working through marital issues is uncomfortable, and if you buy into their flattery, all you are is gratification.”
In a 23 year marriage we did some form of marriage therapy four times. She backed out of them all. I found couples counseling liberating. She found it suffocating.
When a person shows you who they are BELIEVE THEM
Wow, just…wow!
My first instinct was to print this and I’m going to. I am going to print a copy for myself (I often print posts that really speak to me to put into a binder that I keep of Chump Lady’s Greatest Hits) but if I hear of a cheater and their AP, I am going to print this for the AP, hand it to them and walk away. Finally, a shitty AP that gets it, but also fixed their own sh*t! We will take all the small miracles that we can. And if we could get this posted in The New York Times and other major journalism outlets, that would be great as well!
My sister is/was an AP (the wife finally had the good sense to die and get out of my sister’s way so she could have her FW sparkling turd prize all to herself!) and I so am giving this to her. She will probably never speak to me again, but that’s okay, she’s not the person I thought she was and is not special. I really only speak to her about our elderly Dad and his care, so no real loss.
But this was such a wonderful letter to read. So glad this person pulled their head out and got therapy and saw the light.
If only FW’s could do that too!
I’m sorry, this is too little too late. But thank you to both(all) my 2x husband’s APs who now have obesity, mental illness, rage, selfishness, untreated porn addiction, woman haters, hydraulics that no longer function though they insist on trying, dementia, and a host of other ailments I would have stayed for. Just in the nick of time, they showed their true colors and I for one am grateful for the woman who dragged their bodies out of the horrors of the basement dumpster fire and into the dark hovel of a new home to destroy. New people to steal the sunshine from..if there ever was sunshine in the APs life. And at the chance this was TWULOVE, I’m happy they found each other because who wants to be a side dish or fooled every time you give your life blood for this man and continue to sleep with.him. May they live in joy while I have the freedom the AP will never ever know. Peace of mind and body. Forever. Amen
Being a Better Person,
This will probably get me a lot of hate on here but I want to match your candor. When I remember myself over a decade ago as a teenager/early twenty something I am still mortified at the choices I made. No amount of justification will ever absolve me of my personal responsibility from my dysfunctional thoughts and toxic actions that harmed others. A few examples come to mind:
The first boy I ever kissed in highschool was a notorious player. I thought I could change him and he would break up with me when bored or frustrated when I wouldn’t put out and he move onto the next one roughly each semester when our schedules changed. He would insult me while trying to impress others and didnt care about my distress if I told him no, it as like he got off on it. Shortly after we graduated he DMd me and I knew he had an exchange student gf but I thought in my messed up twisted mind that he was “mine” first so I met up with him and tried in every way to win him back I never felt lower in my entire life especially after it was all over and he wanted me to be quiet when he called her back after missing her call. He wanted me to give him money so he could go visit her overseas to visit her after he hung up and went on and on about how much he both missed her but needed me and I just remember being so disgusted at myself but also at him for the audacity. I remember back then FB did those challenges where if you liked someone’s status about asking someone what they truly thought about you. He liked mine and I was a messy b*tch about it but I went off on him being a cheater with attached proof tagged her. Idk what he said or did I just remember I had him blocked on my phone and how my notifications kept going off and I ignored them. I heard shortly after through mutuals she moved back to the states and they got married at the same location the cheating took place. She saw me one time when I was working and gave me the evil eye years later and I knew I deserved it and I still regret it to this day.
The second was when I went to a house party a few months later shortly after ExFW and I started officially dating and he didn’t want to go told me to have fun because he didn’t like who was going to be there and when I was there a really good looking drunk guy kissed me and I got upset and I left immediately after to go back to ExFW and I felt absolutely like human garbage because I didn’t tell him anything I just knew that’s not who I was. The drunk guy somehow got my number from one of the people at the party and he texted me and I remember I was on the verge of breaking up with ExFw jus because of incompatibility at that point and I remember being like screw it after getting fed up ExFW ignoring me because all he wanted to do was smoke weed, play video games when we would hang out when I wasn’t working and I left him while he was mid game to meet up with the drunk guy from the party to go on a walking date. He was nice and respectful but I remember being upset at myself. ExFW noticed it was missing several hours later when the walking date winding down and I remember telling him he was nice but I wouldn’t see him anymore because I had a boyfriend and left to go back to ExFW.
There were plenty of opportunities to cheat, I was asked out pretty frequently in my late teens early 20’s multiple times when I was working or if I was out running errands alone and and once was in front of him by an old classmate he told me to go and have fun and I left and I told him every detail of the lunch date in full transparency and I always told him if someone asked me out later that day. The only person ExFW seemed to care about and ever got physically aggressive with me about about was my now husband. I remained loyal to ExFW even after discovering his multiple infidelities, porn addiction, dealing with his unmedicated diagnosed bipolar, chronic unemployment, substance abuse, and domestic abuse. After a few years of insane break up make up cycles my friends really wanted me to be down with ExFW and kept pushing me towards now husband. I also told my friends no and even said I was to messed up to even go out with him immediately after breaking up with ExFW. When I finally found the courage to leave for good ExFW I was weak and went back to the right thing and went over so we could have the closure talk. He took my keys, phone blocked the door and I was baby trapped. It took several years to safely leave after that but I remained loyal that entire time even though ExFW didn’t. I focused on healing and my kid and my career and only serendipitously reconnected with my husband at my friends sisters wedding years later.
Yes, I had a bad picker but I was also a coward for wanting to avoid hard conversations early and self sabotaged my future.
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BaBP thirteen plus years of reflection has resulted in humility, a moral compass, boundaries, changed behavior and now bravery for sharing your hard earned wisdom with the very people who experienced the exact harm you inflicted is a mighty thing indeed you should be immensely proud of your growth as a human being.