He Dumped Me First
She was thinking of breaking up with him, but he dumped her first after she confronted him about some issues. Why does this hurt so much?
***
Dear Chump Lady,
I’m a recovering chump who left a cheater almost two years ago. Four months later, I started dating “Good Guy.” I went slowly, set strong boundaries, and was very conscious of not repeating my past mistakes.
He genuinely seemed like a good guy.
He was kind, generous, dependable, successful, and we had a great connection initially. I did have some trust issues from being cheated on, but I worked hard not to let them control the relationship.
Over time, though, I started noticing things that made me question whether I felt secure with him. His family remained close with his ex, and I eventually found a message from her saying she regretted not giving him another chance. He didn’t reciprocate, apologized when I confronted him, and promised to tell me if she contacted him again.
I seriously considered ending the relationship but ultimately decided to stay.
The same pattern continued. He did many caring, practical things for me — fixed my car, cooked for me, helped me with things I needed. But I increasingly felt emotionally disconnected from him. I needed more affection and reassurance than came naturally to him.
There were other things that bothered me, like flirting with a hairstylist on Instagram and never wanting to post me. I took these things seriously and considered ending the relationship many times. But I kept deciding the relationship was still worth trying to save.
We also had a major incompatibility around children. I want kids; he eventually became clear that he never did. He saw that as unsolvable, while I struggled to accept that it meant we had to end a relationship I loved.
Eventually, I started communicating more directly that I felt him withdrawing and that I needed more emotional connection and reciprocity. I wasn’t simply seeking reassurance — I was trying to determine whether our relationship could actually meet both of our needs.
Then he ended it.
He said he loved and appreciated me, but didn’t feel the spark anymore and wanted a relationship where he was “head over heels” in love.
Now I’m devastated and desperate for him to change his mind. The strange part is that I had seriously considered leaving him many times when the decision was mine. But once he made the decision, I became desperate to reverse it. I keep thinking that if I could explain myself better, apologize for my part, or show him that our problems were fixable, maybe he’d come back.
I don’t think Good Guy was abusive or a cheater. But this breakup has activated me almost as intensely as my previous relationship.
Am I repeating the same chump pattern even though the circumstances are completely different?
How do I know when I’m fighting for a relationship versus abandoning myself by trying to convince someone to want me?
Take care,
Recovering Chump
***
Dear Recovering Chump,
It sounds like you weren’t a good fit. Not that he’s nefarious, but that you wanted different things and when you pushed the issue, you got an answer.
It wasn’t the answer you wanted, but it was an answer.
He broke up. Definitively. I know it doesn’t feel that way, but clarity is kindness. I can’t really referee if he was emotionally withdrawing before and doing that cowardly “quiet quitting” thing people often do. Or if you wanted more from him than he was prepared to give. Maybe it’s a muddle of both. But I do know that one of you realized this wasn’t working and acted on it.
Ouch.
Of course you wish that person was you. Being the dumper instead of the dump-ee feels like the power position. Fear of rejection is a very human, primordial impulse. What happens if our caregiver abandons us and the herd leaves? We must stop this at once! Pick me dance harder! There’s a reason the pick me dance is such an effective form of manipulation for FWs.
I’m not saying your ex-boyfriend is a FW, just that any kind of rejection can feel this way. We want to muster our defenses and make our case. I AM a worthy candidate! When instead, it’s wiser to stand back and get some perspective. Was this a good fit for me? Are there other opportunities and better investments out there?
Chumped again?
Am I repeating the same chump pattern even though the circumstances are completely different?
I think you weren’t clear on what your dealbreakers were, other than cheating and other overt forms of abuse. You’re allowed to have other criteria. And I realize at times this can be a delicate balancing act — offering grace, compromising, keeping an open mind — versus bailing at the first flaw. (Think of every Seinfeld episode where some suitor is rejected: big hands, talks too close, bald…)
The kids/no kids issue is huge.
We also had a major incompatibility around children. I want kids; he eventually became clear that he never did. He saw that as unsolvable, while I struggled to accept that it meant we had to end a relationship I loved.
That’s a deal breaker. If you want kids, you need to be on the same page early on. Or he is wasting your time, because fertility windows are real. And you absolutely don’t want a partner you have to convince, because you don’t want a sh*tty co-parent. Ask several gazillion of us and our unpaid child support how we know.
If kids are important to you be true to yourself. I’ve been married three times. I deeply regret two of those marriages. Never have I once regretted having a child. In fact, I wish I could go back, have a child, and skip the two bad marriages. Because the reality was, I was raising my kid alone. The bad husbands made things infinitely harder.
The stigma about single mothering is fading somewhat (NOT ENOUGH), but if you can afford it and have a network of support, have a baby. The people you date after that point will know you’re a package deal. I have not found being a mother a hindrance to dating or finding a partner. (I’ve been very happily remarried for 16 years to Mr. CL, who has been an incredible parent to my son.)
I wish we would stop pinning our hopes on the Intact Nuclear Family dream, and put the work into systemic change instead, like paid family leave and childcare. Or universal health care. If THOSE pressures lessened, we could more easily afford to be parents, emotionally and financially. If you find a great person to have an Intact Nuclear Family with, terrific.
But there are many, many other ways to be a family.
So don’t give up on that dream. Now back to dating and discernment.
Over time, though, I started noticing things that made me question whether I felt secure with him. His family remained close with his ex, and I eventually found a message from her saying she regretted not giving him another chance. He didn’t reciprocate, apologized when I confronted him, and promised to tell me if she contacted him again.
What to you mean you “eventually found a message”? You mean you went looking for a message? Look, this is a dealbreaker. If you don’t feel safe in the relationship, it’s not the right relationship, or you’re not ready to be in a relationship. New guy shouldn’t pay for the sins of the old guy. We generally don’t snoop shame here, but it’s one thing to be in a marriage with a gaslighter and deep sunk costs. It’s quite another to be dating and morbidly curious.
He didn’t owe you an apology. You found nothing wrong.
He didn’t reciprocate. What’s the crime here? His ex messaged him? It’s not his job to assuage your insecurities about his ex when he is not being inappropriate with his ex! It’s your job to be healed up enough to date.
The same pattern continued. He did many caring, practical things for me — fixed my car, cooked for me, helped me with things I needed. But I increasingly felt emotionally disconnected from him. I needed more affection and reassurance than came naturally to him.
Caring, practical things ARE forms of affection. He’s investing his care and time. Not everyone is overly demonstrative. You might need more words of affection and less car fixing and are incompatible. But I’m wondering if your chump insecurities got the better of you here. Again, this is a natural break up point. You’re totally within your rights to break up because you need more and you need it DIFFERENTLY.
Or you need time to be alone for more than 4 months before you date again.
There were other things that bothered me, like flirting with a hairstylist on Instagram and never wanting to post me.
Yeah, this is legit. If he’s trying to appear single he should be single.
Eventually, I started communicating more directly that I felt him withdrawing and that I needed more emotional connection and reciprocity.
You cannot demand emotional connection and reciprocity. It’s there or it isn’t. You can say how YOU feel. “I feel disconnected from you.” You can ask questions: “Is everything okay?” But you can’t demand that someone feels differently about you or steps up their game. All we control is ourselves. If you weren’t getting what you needed, you have to ACT on that. Take a break from the relationship. Stop chasing.
Instead, he acted first.
Now I’m devastated and desperate for him to change his mind. The strange part is that I had seriously considered leaving him many times when the decision was mine. But once he made the decision, I became desperate to reverse it. I keep thinking that if I could explain myself better, apologize for my part, or show him that our problems were fixable, maybe he’d come back.
But you weren’t getting what you needed, RIGHT? So where is this desperation coming from? Is it losing him or losing the dream that he represented?
His investment in you, or non-investment, IS NO MEASURE OF YOUR WORTH.
You set the value on your worth. Shore yourself up. Rejection hurts like a mofo, but it shouldn’t rock our core. His loss, okay?
He said he loved and appreciated me, but didn’t feel the spark anymore and wanted a relationship where he was “head over heels” in love.
Well now this is gratuitously awful. He can go fall head over heels into a manure lagoon. If you’re going to break up with someone, do it firmly, kindly, and swiftly.
He’s essentially blaming you for Failure to Enchant. He may actually feel this way (whatever), but saying it is just cruel and dumb.
Again, no reason to feel desperate about losing such a lunkhead. Because…
HE IS NOT THE MEASURE OF YOUR WORTH.
Brush yourself off, Recovering Chump. Better days ahead.
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Recovering Chump,
Getting rejected sucks in the moment, but not as much as staying in a relationship that clearly wasn’t working for you. Investing a bit of time with a good therapist working to understand why you felt the way you did about being dumped might pay off in the longer term.
Also, I’d respectfully suggest that not rushing into another relationship until you’ve learned the lessons from your last one might help you.
LFTT
Thank you LFTT. I’ve been in therapy for a long time. Agreed, I brought some issues from the ex into the new relationship.
Recovering Chump,
Best of luck. Recognising that you’ve brought some issues with you is the first step towards resolving them.
LFTT
It hurts because you had history there and were invested. And that’s OK. You’re human and cared! And frankly, if he wants to be “head over heels” 100% of the time, good luck. Real life isn’t that way. It’s about shared values and experiences.
I was invested in my marriage. He retired and packed up his suitcases twice. It took me a while, but the second time, I was over it. Several decades of marriage crumbled. A partner who truly cares about you isn’t going to do that sort of thing.
Or at the very least, they’re going to be honest and decent about it. They’re going to respect you in what they say and do. After I refused to reconcile, my STBX said it would be an easy divorce. I knew otherwise. It wasn’t, which spoke volumes. If I had truly meant something to him, he wouldn’t have burned every single bridge on the way out.
And I agree: give yourself time to grieve and work through this before dating again.
I did call him out when he said “there isn’t enough of a spark”, “I want to be head over heels in love”. I asked what he meant by that and he didn’t have an answer. Then I said: “have you left other long term relationships because there wasn’t a spark anymore?” And he said he had.
I’m sorry your ex did that. I can’t believe people are doing that to partners. Yeah I’m trying to remind myself that this showed me how he truly felt. It’s just confusing why someone would stay for so long, do so many kind things and then end it abruptly.
I agree, I think I need to decenter men and figure out what my life looks like without them for a while. That was my first time going into another relationship that quick, but I think I learned my lesson.
Breaking up because he didn’t feel the spark anymore and wants to be “head over heels” in love all the time is a weenie move. So is the Instagram flirting. You dodged a bullet, I think.
It’s messed up for him to expect the spark and thrills of new romance long term. He should have warning bells on him: he will surely be a human wrecking ball in all his future relationships. Plural, because if he has that stance he will never go the distance with just one partner.
Please give yourself time and tools to heal.
Yeah I feel like the relationship was getting negative on both sides. It seemed like he had his list of reasons against me and I had this list of things against him- which isn’t healthy. I know I made mistakes too.
I agree- I think the “head over heels” “there’s no spark” “you deserve better” were all a cop out. Because he loved me 6 months earlier when there was a spark and he heavily pursued the relationship throughout most of it. I feel like something happened. But I’m trying to just accept what it shows me about him.
I agree, I can’t control if he wants to learn how to go the distance with someone and get past the honeymoon phase.
That head over heels feeling is for cheaters who cheat. Always looking for the next tingle. Not a good person no matter if he paints the barn. People will do alot for srx if it suits them..repair faucets, cook meals ,be nice to your kid..it’s an exchange system..you rub my back I’ll rub yours. This guy does not sound like someone who will drive you to chemo and sit by your side. Nope, no tingle in everyday routines. Not the guy you want to keep.
Exactly, the FW who cheated on me said something similar to me. I think that’s why this was so painful. It felt like a repeat of the past.
“No matter if he paints the barn”— hahahah that got me. That’s how I felt too. It felt like he was doing everything except the things that I said I needed (words of affirmation, communication, closeness). And maybe there was a good reason for that he didn’t mention.
Yeah he specifically said he would not be a caretaker for someone and didn’t believe in unconditional love- so that probably should have been my answer about how we both viewed love.
We can’t forget love bombing either. It is an art to get to a woman’s heart, keep her in the outside strings of the web until you know she’s attached- bonded to and then dump. No fun once they know they have you and the hunt is over! My #2 cheater knew for many years I was not sure about him so he was in his best behavior. When he knew he had my heart, that’s when the EAs started and the dance to prove I was good enough started. I just didn’t know he was testing my chumpiness with emotional affairs. Once I truly lived him.ahd had bonded..the race was over and I was boring. What is that?
Right! 🚩What he told her was tantamount to “I love you but I’m not in love with you” which is a thing cheaters say.
She doesn’t need therapy for trust issues so much as she needs to learn to listen to her intuition more and get out sooner. Because in 2026 most men tolerable to women in the dating pool are not totally single-single. Around 65% of men on online dating apps are swiping from the comfort of a marriage or a relationship according to Stanford Tinder study. If you don’t want to be Chumped again you have to vet harder and leave at the first red flag. Good luck!
You are just a swipe away from a single life..wow!!
I think you’re right. I felt like it was odd early on. I felt like I couldn’t relax around him. I think I need to do some inner reflection for sure and not talk myself down from what I want.
Thanks for posting since I hadn’t heard of the study. Wow. I’d have to read the study itself to if it factored what percentage of that two-thirds of married/committed Tinder users were doing more than just window shopping. But I think we can assume many are consciously fueling double lives, which would explain why online dating companies as well as the streaming porn industry (which all major media companies are cross-invested in) are pushing pro-cheating spin into mainstream media: getting two-thirds of the married/committed market means “market growth potential” for that remaining 33% of married/committed individuals who aren’t yet “window shopping.” If publicly held, these companies are literally obligated to get more married/committed people to dip a toe into the cheating stream.
https://med.stanford.edu/news/insights/2023/07/satisfaction-with-tinder-depends-on-what-youre-looking-for.html
I think she definitely dodged a bullet! Some big, bright red flags there.
I think it’s also possible that he was simply “going through the motions” with all the practical things he did for her (and would do so with every woman he dated), and she (correctly) sensed that he wasn’t capable of any deeper connection.
Yeah that’s what it felt like. He seemed like he was doing it out of obligation, or because that’s who he is. But when it came to emotional stuff, it didn’t seem like he was able or willing to meet me with it. I commend him for treating women with respect even if he didn’t have feelings though.
🎯⬆️
I think that people who want the “sparks and thrills” to last forever are those who cannot, or don’t want to, bond. A new relationship = who is this person? Is this going to work out? Brains are bathing day and night in dopamine. Uncertainty is thrilling. A few months in when you have the answers to these questions and your brain has calmed down you either bond with a new partner or run off seeking more uncertainty. Either that or maybe he honestly knew that OP was not the right person for him, but had to throw in the “head over heels excuse” for whatever reason.
Considering his flirting, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was already seeing someone else when he pulled that excuse, to be honest.
That’s how I feel too. It felt so sudden and decisive at the time of the break up that it seemed like there was someone else. He also said “you deserve better” and I asked him “what do you mean by that” and he didn’t have an answer.
Agreed, his behavior has a cheater (or future cheater) flair to it.
I believe the sad truth is that many relationships simply don’t work out. It may not appear that way because so many people keep spackling. However, in reality, they may be incompatible at best and with a cheater/abuser at worst. Sometimes the only option is to cut your losses, process your grief, and not rush into the next relationship too quickly.
That’s the hard truth that I’m struggling accept right now. I’m sure I’ll get there though.
Very true, Amelia.
Listen to Bonnie Raitt sing I Can’t Make You Love Me If You Don’t. So many women think they can make a guy change his mind and fall in love. (“Maybe counseling will help!” No, sorry, it won’t). Imagine if some guy asked you to change your mind and fall in love with him. Can’t do it. It’s no one’s fault. It’s just a feeling you have or you don’t.
Yeah, I think it just feels like I did something wrong. Because the first year of the relationship he was more in love with me than I was with him it felt like. Then once I got attached the tables turned. I wanted the same person who fell for me before but he pulled away more and more. It definitely turned into an anxious/avoidant cycle. It’s too bad, because I thought we were compatible when I did my vetting.
That’s what I finally figured out after dating a man for 3 years. So I gave him an ultimatum – commit or I was outta there. He wasn’t willing to commit, so I dumped him.
In retrospect, I should have given it a year, and then had this discussion.
Good for you for respecting yourself in that way.
too right!
I read a comment from years ago – I believe it was Luziana – who said something like go out and have fun, but be prepared to dump and be dumped. Recovering Chump, I believe you knew in your heart that this guy was not going to work out, but still it hurts to be rejected. Along with what CL wrote it is very good advice from other commenters who said to wait, get therapy, and reconcile your past self before getting into anything again. You sound young enough to have enough time to try again, good luck to you.
I went to a lot of therapy between relationships and thought I really was ready. That was my first time getting into another relationship that quickly. Trying to learn from that decision.
I’m 30. I made mistakes too. But yeah, I was doubting the relationship more and more and started withdrawing too.
I brought up a lot of my concerns very honestly and that’s when he abruptly dumped me. I don’t know if I hurt his ego, or if he just realized we weren’t a match in that moment.
Recovering Chump, this wasn’t the right fit.Sometimes that’s just how it is. You had an obvious dealbreaker because you disagreed about having kids. If you want to raise kids with someone, both parties need to be onboard with that. As in, both voting “yes.”
As Tracy pointed out, single motherhood is definitely an option if you can’t find someone to have kids with while you’re in your fertility window.
Also, I would question your ex’s character in that he was flirting with someone on social media and presenting himself as single. You may have had a fortunate escape! Remind yourself of this.
Thank you Daughterofachump!
I think his behavior in the last month was very revealing.
Dear Recovering Chump,
I am saddened for you that you’re hurting, but I think this guy ultimately did you a favor. Please don’t try to re-warm a dead relationship… assuming you’re trying to “win” him back in any way. Luckily, you two were not married and do not have children, so it makes things logistically way more simple. Acute pain is exactly what it implies. Acute. Short-term. I would urge you to let those feelings come and also let them pass. Don’t get stuck. My wish for you is that you embrace your new reality and work towards being the healthiest, most mentally tough, and most healed version of yourself. You deserve that for YOU. And maybe somewhere on your journey you’ll reach a point where you’ll see that you’ve far surpassed him in your growth and would have had little in common anyway. Best of luck.
Thanks for commenting. Even though I am very tempted to reach out and rewarm it- I am keeping no contact. I learned from being cheated on that my self respect and dignity comes above all else. Its a hard one to let go. It was the “so close but not quite right” relationship.
I want to work on becoming the best version of myself and the most healed. Thank you for the encouragement. Best of luck on your journey too.
I have noticed while trudging through the dating world that people can be way too descriptive about why they’re dumping you. I’ve run into this phenomenon in the early, non-committed dating stages where people flat-out tell me “hey, the other person I’m dating wants to get serious with me, so I’m jettisoning you.” It’s like, learn to lie! I don’t need to know it was a contest, that I failed to enchant, and that I lost.
I agree- when I break up with people I just say it’s over in the nicest way I can and keep it short.
I was asking him a lot of questions and we were both overwhelmed- which might be why he got cold and mean during that conversation.
Dear Recovering Chump:
I’m so proud of you. This is what recovery looks like! You had boundaries and expressed them and were alert to concerning signs when present, and discussed them and your feelings about them with your partner. This sounds miles ahead of where you were.
The children or no children is a divide that can’t be breached. Now you know to find out where a potential partner stands on that before you give your heart. That is progress too.
It makes sense that you wanted to fix the relationship and not lose him, because that is what makes chumps who we are…or were. And he had many, many positive qualities and was way better than your cheating ex. But out there in the world is a better fit for you, and the father of your babies. So I hope you don’t dwell too long on Mr. Almost a Good Fit and get on with finding the man who is what you need and want.
We are rooting for you!
Thank you PrincipledLife. This means a lot to have someone acknowledge how far I’ve come. I am proud of myself for taking things really slow in the beginning, having a list of dealbreakers and non-negotiables and not begging someone to love me. He changed a lot in the last 6 months, including his stance on kids. I was stuck on trying to get him back to who he was before.. which was unrealistic as it may have been who he was all along. Or the way we related to each other was not working. I made mistakes too, but not as bad as I have in the past.
I’m proud of myself for speaking up and at least recognizing it while it was happening this time. It also was a much healthier relationship than what I had with the cheater. We ended on good terms with each other.
Thank you, it’s helpful to be reminded that there could be a right fit out there. I’m more motivated than ever to be the best version of myself for me, not because I want a relationship to work.
Wishing you the best!!!
re: his ex wishing she had given him a second chance
Second chance after what, exactly? That’s what I’d wanna know. Like, what did he do with the first chance?
This is a good point. Here’s some more context for you:
He said he broke up with her because she didn’t want kids (which is ironic). She married the guy she dated him immediately after him. She was a cheater in her first marriage, which really raised alarm bells for me. She stayed very close to Good Guy and his family, even though she didn’t grow up with them. His parents went to her wedding. His dad worked on her car at the time of our relationship. Good Guy would still do HVAC jobs for her and her family and friends. His sister would hang out with her and ask her for business advice. That all made me extremely uncomfortable.
I think I had healing to do after being cheated on. But I don’t believe in having exes that intertwined in my life and it still doesn’t sit right with me. The reason the texting was so upsetting was because he hid it from me and didn’t tell her he had a girlfriend. He erased it from his phone and knew it was wrong. Also she texted him that immediately after hanging out with his sister. I didn’t end it with him over that because he didn’t cheat- he gave a short response back. I regretted going through his phone, and didn’t do it again. He agreed to let me know if she texted him again.. and he did let me know months later.
The breakup brought up my insecurities around that scenario again. I don’t think he was a cheater, I think he didn’t know how to draw boundaries with someone he used to love a lot. I also think his sister might of encouraged the ex to do it. His sister hung out with her the week before and would intentionally bring her up at Thanksgiving dinner and other events around me.
I’m more curious what happened with the girlfriend right before me. It seems like he broke up with her in a very similar way to me. He lost the spark and then broke up with her because he saw her as not being enough. He struggled to commit. I don’t think he was emotionally available, possibly because of the ex. But it’s hard to know and probably doesn’t matter at this point.
My question too..but how lovely EVERYONE WANTS this wonderful guy
This is a really important insight. Really important.
Such an interesting point! It appears that his last ex broke up with him – maybe it’s because he cheated on her?
It’s also interesting that at least two of his exes (including RC herself) appear to be second-guessing themselves about their breakups with him. Maybe he’s encouraging this pattern in some way?
I did doubt myself a lot in the relationship towards the end. He was deflecting and blame shifting towards the end. Even in the break up I felt blamed for not keeping his attraction in me. I did my best to show up authentically, draw boundaries and give him space. But he wasn’t meeting my needs and withdrew more and more. I got really anxious towards the end and feel slightly relieved to be alone now.
This won’t be a popular opinion, but I think you ought to do a little check in with the ex-wife – purely for your own comfort. I think you’ve dodged a manipulative, narcissistic bullet. But that’s just me. Others may think that a guy who “does all the nice things” and breaks it off for maybe/maybe not nebulous reasons was just a poor match. I, on the other hand, look for $hit behavior from secretly $hitty people. There are a lot more of them than there are of us. Just see what the ex has to say about him. I’m betting you end up thanking your lucky stars that he saw your boundaries and gave up the fight.
She was an ex girlfriend of his. She married the guy she dated after him. Then a month after her wedding and after seeing my ex’s sister she sent him that text confessing that she wished she’d stayed with him. He said it ended because he wanted to have a family and she didn’t (which is the opposite reason we broke up). And because of religious differences.
I am not interested in talking to her because I feel like she was intentionally sabatoging when she found out he was dating someone and she confessed feelings when she was already married.
I wouldn’t mind asking his other ex girlfriend what happened though. Because it sounded like he broke up with her for very similar reasons to me. That there was “no spark” and “he just couldn’t commit”. Which in retrospect were red flags.
Yes, if someone does “nice things” while simultaneously doing much more questionable things, something makes me suspect image management. It’s even worse when those actions feel a bit “generic”, like something most people might appreciate in theory, but might not be what the partner truly wants or needs right now (not sure whether that was the case here).
That is what was driving me nuts. It felt like he had no interest in loving me the way I needed. I tried to communicate that I needed words of affirmation a little more and he just flat out refused. So maybe the way we loved wasn’t compatible or worse it was intentional. Hard to know- and probably doesn’t matter now.
Dating sucks. It really does. Dating after being chumped? Much worse.
I get it-I’ve been noodling at that since I officially “started dating again” about a year and a half after D-Day(so about a year and a half for the people playing the home game). Getting betrayed is its own form of rejection (and a severe one at that!) I missed how long you were with your Traitor-I was with mine for 13 years. The whole dynamic with dating changed “while I was gone” and there’s also this sort of…hunger to “get back what I had.”
I found early on that I was much more likely to make concessions…mentally, at least. Was happy to be getting positive attention again, mostly-“buy the ticket, take the ride.” Ignored some pretty significant red flags. Probably tried too hard (which wasn’t much at all with “the first one”). Who ghosted. I took that pretty hard…so I empathize with you here. That said, it’s pretty evident that I dodged a pretty major bullet. And I think you did, too.
I had a coworker make some advances at me more recently. I was interested at first but the more I got to know her the more I realized it was not going to work and the spark went away. I talked about it in therapy, I took out my list of “hills I will die on” and realized that a lot of them were going to get ignored (I want kids-that seems to be more and more of a deal breaker with my particular picker) and I’d basically be taking care of that person. “I would be good for them; they would not be good for me” was my conclusion.
I don’t know about you-I spent plenty of unhappy…years, really, heading up to D-Day inwardly pleased at the ‘marriage’ but “wanting and waiting” most of the time. Wanting out of her what used to happen, waiting for these imaginary milestones to get passed so he could keep her promises or if she would change. I spent a lot of nights up mourning the futures that one after another had winked out because she decided to change her mind(or her lie was exposed-I will never know). I personally don’t want that again for myself. I hope you don’t, either.
Again, I feel this sort of…pressure to find “that one” quickly due to “lost time.” I have been terrified of some of those doors closing forever…but at the same time, I have enough respect for myself now to not compromise on those things.
Keep working on yourself and keep trying. Enjoy your peace until you do. You still have A LOT of healing to do from being betrayed-I do, too. We are not damaged, we are not broken-we are just very very wary in a changed world. You are not defective, you ARE good enough. This one just wasn’t it. And I am sorry for that. You deserve better.
A very hard pill I’ve also had to swallow? Sometimes someone is in your life for just long enough to be a lesson. And sometimes it’s just down to timing for why something didn’t work. We can’t change that.
I wasn’t married to the person who cheated on me. We were together for 2.5 years. I started detaching from him while we were together and took long breaks and then would talk to him again. So it felt like there was more time between the relationships. I also did EMDR and other therapies in between. I thought I was healed. But the baggage of being cheated on definitely affected this relationship. This relationship was 2 years. I dated very slow and wasn’t intimate or committed with him for 5 months. I had my dealbreakers and needs written down.
I think I made some similar mistakes- mainly being afraid to leave again. I definitely am not jumping into anything else soon.
It is hard to accept that we can love people and have to let them go still.
“What is grief, but love persevering?”(Eat your Heart out, Paul Bettany).
Healing is a tricky process. I had a very triggering conversation with my mother about my ex (ironically, it was on Tuesday). She brought it up and wanted to talk about it for the first time since D-Day three years ago. It stirred up some feelings-but I got through it. There will be random challenges on your journey. And sometimes, frankly, at least for me, I think if I didn’t prickle just a tiny bit then it wasn’t that serious to begin with.
I think what you are going through is very typical for our people. You loved somebody and were more vulnerable with (and to) them than anybody else. And they damaged a primal part of you. There are going to be the longstanding effects of damage. We were traumatized, that’s how it works.
On a long enough timeline, I think it mutates into something like “cautious optimism.” Our radars are more finely tuned now (and hopefully that includes to our own insecurities). We know the game when we see it. We are able to ask ourselves if we are OK with what we see and feel. And we know that maybe we need to cut them some slack-not all other partners are going to be Traitors. There is risk inherent to our bonds.
I definitely know I need to get better at leaving. My mind is so normed toward “make it work!” that I lose sight of “am I the only one that cares?” It sucks! There’s also that emotional calculus of “would I rather be alone or in something sub optimal and maybe get my needs met”.
Thanks for sharing your story. I do think there is a lot to heal still. I think I was scared my clock was running and trying to make a not so great fit work. Also compared with the cheater he was so much better. I respected him. Also the relationship changed a lot at about a year in. I think I have to learn when to leave earlier. This was a lesson for sure.
It’s hard to accept that he won’t be in my life anymore. But it’s only been 2 weeks and I’m grieving very hard right now.
I know that pain too well. And I am sorry.
Keep healing! I assure you that you have made it through worse. It sucks right now, but it will pass. We are here for you!
Let me say dear RC that yes you are STILL recovering…it is raw and open wounds that I am reading today. You need to find YOU first before you get back into the pool. I remarried wounded, did not look too deeply into the family system which was an awful mess of Foo problems. His Ex wife? My new husband talked to her like a lost friend right i front of me( but we’re only talking about our kids he tells me). I didn’t know until later about porn addictions and continously flirting with EAs ongoing. He changed alot of who he was to marry me, a prize he says..but the glow of that prize,and him changing so much for me, faded in a few years.
CL is completely on target with every word. Don’t run after anyone, especially if he told you his truth. You lose dignity and no one respects someone who begs and grovels. I did that with #1 and I was spurned so forcefully that I learned a lesson to remain dignified at all times, no matter being dumped or rejected.
It hurts so bad but go heal and develop your lines in the sand for any new opportunities. Know your boundaries and deal breakers and hold on to.your precious self. I’m sorry your heart was broken but this dude was only going to hurt you more. No doubt about it.
Thanks for commenting 2xchump! I refuse to beg or grovel for love after being with a cheater. I think it would only make his respect me less.
It does help to think about how much worse it could of gotten if it went on. It’s still really fresh. Take care
I begged 38 years ago with a newborn in my arms. It was a kick in the head to hear my first cheater Ex say..where is your dignity???? don’t lower yourself!! I got up from my knees and turned the corner to rage and that worked for me instantly. Yep. Never again. FROM one Chump to another..you will heal and get so much better. You will see what you had and you may get as grateful as I am. Blessings to you as you Make progress. It is horrific.
I think there’s a lot to the “primordial” reaction to rejection, rather than loss of the relationship itself. I recently went on a date that I was only very ambivalently interested in, had a better time than expected at the date but was still very unsure if I liked the person enough. Well, after he ghosted me, his value in my mind skyrocketed and my FOMO went into overdrive. I completely forgot I was “meh” on him myself. Instead of being grateful for his clarity, my ego wanted to extract validation. It was a very interesting experience to be inside of. I’m not sad that the date didn’t lead to more but the rejection was hard to process.
Yes, I think it was the rejection and shock that has gotten to me the most. Especially because the day before he was talking about working things out. It felt like mid conversation he changed his mind after I mentioned what I was struggling with. But I wasn’t happy in the relationship either, I’m remembering the good times while I’m grieving right now. It also hurt extra that he said it was because there was no spark. He was wildly in love with me in the first year I thought. It felt like whiplash.
I think what you describe is very common. I know I’ve had that exact reaction to rejection.
Ok let me be very, very honest for a second.
I too, do not want children. I’ve been very clear about that with everyone I’ve gone on dates with. I’ve had people say that’s too much for a first date! I don’t think so, because when I was in the dating scene, I was dating looking for a serious relationship. And if we had very different end goals from the get-go, it wasn’t going to work long term. So I put in my profiles 1) I’m looking for something serious 2) I do not want children. This did filter out a lot of people who were incompatible in those areas. I’m getting married (in 12 days!) to someone who also does not want children and accompanied me to my surgery to get my tubes removed. Not tied, removed.
“I don’t want kids” means “I dont want kids.” Not try to change my mind, not maybe later, not you’ll love it when it’s yours. It means no children.
The very first and most basic step to being a good parent is actually wanting your kids. And folks here at CN know all too well what it’s like to deal with a partner who clearly doesn’t want theirs. Whether there’s infidelity or not, that’s a miserable situation. For everyone. The child can tell when a parent doesn’t want them, the parent who did want the child often ends up with the brunt of the care responsibilities, and the parent who didn’t want the child wishes the kid didn’t exist. Children are a “two yes, one no” deal. It has to be two yesses. One person saying no, is a no.
Because you cannot compromise on children. Even having just one is still the full weight and responsibility of raising kids. You can’t have half a child. And once the child is here…you can’t really put them back.
So…EVERYTHING else about this relationship aside… that alone means it was never going to work. One of you would have to make a major, life altering sacrifice. Either you would have to give up on kids, or he would have to give in and have a kid he told you he didn’t want. I would argue the latter is more harmful because…see the rest of my post. Asking you to abandon your desire for children for him is unfair, and trying to force, coerce, or pressure him into fathering a child is a quick road to resentment.
No matter what he said to his ex, who texted him, or who lost feelings or connection or spark, this would have been the end of it anyway. It’s better that it ended now, over feeling distant, than years along when you really want children and he still doesn’t. That would be a much harder breakup.
My advice would be to recognize this as not a rejection, but an understanding that in the larger picture, he was not the one for you. It’s hard to let go of people who were otherwise sweet and caring, but we have to remember that even caring and honest ones just might still not be right for us for reasons that are totally not even about anyone doing anything wrong. It’s not wrong that he doesn’t want kids, but it would never fit for you.
Yes, I agree. I never tried to change his mind. He just told me he did want kids in the beginning. Then over the course of the relationship he changed his mind and became very firm about it. Then I was attached and having a hard time ending it. I would have never dated him if I’d known it when I asked in the beginning.
Yes that’s a good point. I’m feeling better about it now. Breakups are just very difficult. Trying to remind myself it’s for the best though and take more time to heal this time.
In that case he was bait and switching you at the very worst, but at best just doesn’t know what he wants. Even if there are no nefarious motives behind it, it’s not great. Kids are something he needs to be absolutely sure about and not say one thing but then waffle on it later.
Either way he’s not right for you. You need someone who is certain of what they want when it comes to that. Folks who haven’t made up their mind are always teetering on that potential of deciding something incompatible with what you know you want and it’s not great being in that kind of emotional limbo. Plus I think if someone is going to be serious in the dating market they should spend some time actually thinking about what they really want from a serious relationship. If you expect serious, ya gotta BE serious. That includes with yourself. What do you want, and what do you bring to the table?
Wishy-washiness about major goals isn’t good energy.
I’m so sorry, but to me, this sounds more and more like an intentional “bait and switch” on his part. I’m not sure he really changed his mind about having kids. Maybe he simply lied in the beginning to draw you in. In any case, you’re better off without him, even if it doesn’t feel that way right now.
Edit: Maybe this is also one of the reasons why you weren’t feeling safe around him anymore. It’s clearly a big deal.
that’s what I wonder too. I wonder if I fell for love bombing again despite going very slow at the beginning with him and trying to get him as much as I could. He changed so much once the honeymoon phase ended, when he is the one who wanted it more in the first year. But who knows, I guess it’s not for me to figure out anymore.
Kat, I wsh you much happiness!
No one is obligated to stay in any relationship.
Anyone can decide at any time, married or not, that they want to bow out for whatever reason.
That isn’t the same thing as infidelity, which is being deceived and therefore held hostage in a relationship. I learned I was not in the relationship I thought I was. It was based on lies and fiction, not communicated truth and facts and informed consent.
Fight for a relationship? Convince someone to
love me? No thanks.
There’s no getting around feeling hurt if someone leaves when we wanted to continue the relationship. New hurt brings up old hurt…that’s just normal for grief and loss.
Personally, I do not feel ready to deal with the effort a relationship takes or the risk of it ending. There is no way to take the risk of it ending out because one way or another, it will end. People change and no longer fit, people can decide to leave, people die.
For me, it’s been essential to get rock solid on my own before I even consider dating. I want to be healed sufficiently. I want my life rebuilt according to my design. I want to really get to know myself really well on my own. I want to take excellent care of myself. I want to learn how to love myself (action, behavior) and practice that and be expert at it before I even consider getting involved with another person. I’m in no hurry. That process is still happening and I do not feel ready or qualified to date.
I can’t make anyone love me nor do I want to.
I can love myself, and the better I am at that the easier it is to walk away from someone who doesn’t.
Yes, I agree. I don’t want to have to convince someone to love me or be with me or pick me dance for them. I have whiplash because he said he cared so much before the honeymoon phase. He also changed his mind about having kids. It felt like our relationship degraded so quickly, and I still don’t understand why. Better now that later, but it still hurts so bad.
I like reading how you’re watching out for yourself and healing. Thanks for sharing.
This is the best advice about not quite right relationships/ getting dumped that I have ever seen. Way to go, CL! I wasted *seven years* of my 30s with a “nice guy” who didn’t want kids (I did). We had a good time, were happier together than facing singledom, and in truth I did most of the relationship maintenance long distance. It then came out that he “hadn’t been happy” after the *first* year of the relationship, but somehow neglected to tell me this. In the end, I had the child I so desperately wanted on my own. It was a total life changer and in every respect a positive one. It opened up an entirely different world of friends, connections and pure joy. And yes, within a year of my daughter’s birth Mr Daughter_of_a_Chump came into our lives, totally took on the role of dad, and the three of us have lived, more or less, happily ever after, with the usual life bumps along the way. Moral of the story: if it ain’t right, don’t throw good time down the drain. Do what is most important to *you* and life will get a whole lot better.
This is helpful to hear what can happen when someone stays despite this. It probably was for the best. I’m sorry that happened to you.
it was totally for the best! And I have to own that I was simply unable to face major life changes (job change/ move abroad for said job) without the facade of a relationship and a home to come back to, even if that home was a very marginal apartment! So we were *both* chicken, and in truth should have ended the relationship after, if not one year, then certainly after three when I had to move abroad.I honestly and truly believed that no one would want me and that I had to compromise. I was mistaken. I never had to compromise. I only had to be less fearful.
My ex husband was a serial cheater, with a roster of women that I was unaware of. One rare night when he was actually home I sat on his lap and tried to be flirty. He shoved me off him with both hands. I ended up on the floor while he yelled that he was tired from work. I went to the bedroom alone and feeling like a disgusting loser. My point is, it’s not you, it’s him. Let him go.
I’m trying to not blame myself and remind myself it takes two in a relationship. My brain is processing the loss still.
These sentence were sequential in Recovering’s letter. If you have “trust issues,” the way to handle them is NOT to “work hard not to let them control the relationship.”
The first step is to realize that trust must be EARNED, over time and with careful observation of how people act. So if you are going to date, it’s fine to not trust someone off the bat. Go out, go slow, don’t get intimate. Pay attention to how you feel. If you don’t feel secure, stop dating the person!
That lack of feeling secure may require you to get into therapy and to work on feeing secure as a single person, which is about trusting yourself to deal with the hard knock that life sometimes gives us. It’s about trusting your own judgment and your resilience. And it’s being willing to walk away or “downsize” a relationship where you aren’t happy.
The thing I note in this letter is both the cognitive dissonance of wanting back a person you were considering dumping and the decision to try to “save” the relationship. If you aren’t married and don’t have kids and pets and a house, don’t save a relationship that isn’t working. Part of the ability to trust comes from knowing what is not for you, what is not good for you, what is not good enough for you.
You will not need reassurance from a man who is committed to you. You will know he’s committed. Take a year off from dating and learn to trust the one person you control–YOU.
This is great advice. I did really slow down things with him. We dated for a long time before intimacy or commitment.
I think it’s so fresh that my brain is just processing it all still. I don’t want to force someone to be with me. It’s just hard to accept how much his feelings changed in a short period of time. I am glad we weren’t married.
I agree- it’s time to build the life I want for me.
Thank you for responding to my letter Chump Lady. And thank you everyone who commented. It’s helpful to hear other people’s opinions on the situation and have honest responses on my own behavior too.
I liked what you said about finding a way to have kids regardless if it’s what I want. He said he wanted kids in the beginning and then changed his mind later on in the relationship. I knew that would be a dealbreaker and needed to end it.
Also, I only looked in his phone that one time and I did regret it and apologize. I agree that it was a mistake to be so caught up on the ex. But he’d told me he wouldn’t talk to her at all, and then hid it. That’s more why I was upset. He would still do HVAC jobs for her and her family and his dad would work on her car. Which maybe that’s healthy. His sister was talking about her over thanksgiving dinner and how she went over to her house. For me it was odd because I don’t stay close with exes like that. But I do think it wouldn’t have bothered me as much if I hadn’t just been cheated on.
Yeah, I’m trying to respect his decision and move forward and put energy into what I can control now. Thank you for the reality check.