Cringe Cheater Gifts to Schmoopies
Your Friday Challenge is cringe-worthy cheater gifts to their Schmoopie affair partners. You know, the pink Teddy bears. The bad carnations. Anything that screams 8th grade.
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They aren’t original.
If you’re a cheater, everyone is transferable or disposable. But the impression management is strong. (Hey, you gotta keep those ego kibbles coming.) So, you may discover that your FW gave their affair partner the same gift they gave you. Or you might find they gave multiple affair partners the same gift.
I once went to a Chump Nation get together in New York City and met a woman whose ex bought his (um) girlfriends boob jobs. That was her D-Day. Finding the receipts for multiple boob jobs. Apparently, he liked to augment his Schmoopies to his exact specifications.
But generally speaking, cheater gifts are more cringe.
Lower effort. Saccharine and sentimental for the shallowly attached.
A chump reports that her FW:
“used to burn CDs of music for his affair partners with the full set of lyrics printed inside the case. He would print a cringe cover — photo of a sailboat with “Hope for Heather” or “Hope for Laurie” or who ever the flavor of the week was. Did he think it would make their knickers immediately drop to the floor to receive a CD of old Celine Dion and Wilson Phillips music? One can only wonder.”
Yes! Heather was easily persuaded of her super specialness by a cheesy CD. I don’t wonder about the musical selections so much as did the FW screw it up? Did he ever sent Heather Laurie’s CD by mistake?
Anywho, your Friday Challenge is to tell CN all the unoriginal, dumb Schmoopie gifts you found. The bad poetry. The goopy inscriptions… All the cringe.
TGIF!
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My cheating Ex ordered his Howorker a specialty build-a-bear and gifted it to her with a hand written card about how special she was. Oddest thing, this was before my DDay where I officially knew he was cheating, so he basically bragged to me about how much of a “good friend” he was for getting the Howorker this fluffy toy that she said she wanted that her own husband wasn’t getting for her. I was of course “over reacting” for saying that did not seem like an appropriate gift from him to a married woman.
I guess the fact that Ex-Mrs LFTT was buying lingerie (which I assume that she was wearing for the AP, because I never saw it) and was paying for it out of the joint account (which only I contributed to) and after she left the kids and I to be with him probably fits in here somewhere.
I do not miss her one bit.
LFTT
Part of the reason the AP got sh*t gifts was because, on the belief that we were scrimping and saving for the children’s futures, I never demanded anything expensive for special occasions. So for their first cheater Valentine’s Day (when I was abroad with the kids), FW used the family Amazon account to buy the AP a cheapo paperback copy of Garcia Marquez’s One Hundred Years of Solitude– one of the few novels FW had ever read in his life (all of which he listed the first time we met in his grand pretense of being highly cultured).
I think the book carried a grimly appropriate message given that Garcia Marquez has been outed as a raging misogynist with PDF-file tendencies and the book begins with a crazy guy tied to a tree for (literal) “home wrecking” and ends with a child eaten by ants because the adults are too busy f*cking.
I don’t know if this is cringe, but SparkleDick was caught by my private investigator buying fancy and expensive lingerie for Schmoopie. He never bought me fancy and expensive lingerie.
It was kinda fun watching them squirm during the deposition about said lingerie.
“Schmoopie, is it common for you to accept gifts of fancy and expensive lingerie from married men you claim you do not know?”
(Pleads the 5th.)
“SparkleDick, is it common for you to buy fancy and expensive lingerie for women you claim you do not know?”
(Pleads the 5th.)
😎
Have a FW-free Friday, CN!
I would watch a video of their testimony. Watching cheaters getting busted is priceless.
They were ridiculous. The only reason SparkleDick even knew what La Perla lingerie was is because I wore it. Because I’m fancy that way.
Why he wanted to dress (or undress, as it may) his mistress in the same style as his wife is kinda creepy.
There was more nonsense at that deposition, but that’s for another day.
Why do they all plead the 5th. Do they just think that there is no proof of what they did? My exFW did that with trips that had her name on the receipts as well as his, monthly money that was sent to her account, packages sent to her and just about everything. The retired judge at the court ordered settlement conference eventually gave up and just asked why he would send money to accounts of people he did not know and how did he even get the account numbers?
Yes FW took her on two cruises, sent her a on average $5k a month as well as bought her expensive gifts. All stuff he would never do for me. Now I treat myself to what I want. I got the money back that he spent on her in the settlement. He was in tears!
Their pleading of the 5th didn’t bother me in the least. I’m a strict Constitutionalist, that was their right.
My attorney had prepared me that they would resort to pleading the 5th. Besides, my PI had seen SparkleDick buying and giving Schmoopie the lingerie in a cheesy sports bar. That was enough for me.
PI also saw SparkleDick buy me jewelry for my birthday. My attorney questioned SparkleDick about the ring. I wore it to the deposition. 😎
I’m sure Schmoopie gave him the what for about the ring. He probably had to cough up some serious cash to buy her something better or comparable. Because twu wuv.
Wearing the ring to the deposition was epiclly mighty!
I’m a sassy wench, for sure. Even my attorney was laughing that I did it.
ChumpedForANewerModel,
They “plead the 5th” because they can avoid admitting they did it without outright lying by saying that they didn’t do it …… because if the admit to it, they have to take responsibility for it.
Ex-Mrs LFTT’s version of the 5th (we are from the UK) was usually to answer “I don’t remember” when confronted with “inconvenient” information about something that she did, that I knew she did and she knew that I could prove that she did.
LFTT
I am just glad that it is over now and I am getting ready to celebrate the fourth year of freedom.
The lying, denying and evasion really hit me hard at the time. Now I find it amusing.
In the period of time after my now-ex told me all about his secret sexual basement, my ex decided to give the ex-student with whom he was “exploring” his gender identity and sexuality an old easy chair from his office–a stained blue velvet rocker-recliner. (I had rescued this chair off the curb so that he could have a comfortable place to sit and read, because I had in my office an old upholstered chair I’d bought at our next-door neighbor’s garage sale for $2, and my now-ex was grousing about my having one and his not having one.) According to him, when she was his student, she used to sit for hours in this chair while they discussed her “work,” but now that she was helping him out as he sorted himself out, it felt only right, he said, that she have the chair, as their roles had reversed. Not only was he quite taken with his own brilliance at the underlying symbolism of this gift, I could tell he was parading their “special” relationship in front of me so I’d understand just how much I was falling short of his expectations. It took a while for me to see this as his goading me to abase myself further with my horizontal pick-me dance.
You’re very shrewd for picking up on his triangulation!
My FW spookily bought me the most expensive gifts he ever gave me a month before DDay .
His classic was sports equipment that I didn’t want or couldn’t use or both. And couldn’t return because it was final sale/he lost the receipt/bought it so early is was past the return by date. But oh! we were in luck, because he’d
always wanter, he’d be willing to try it out and see if He was willing to use it, since we already had it…His classic, although he didn’t give them every year, were big bucks checks he helpfully identified as “For the Ring Fund” to buy me a nice sparkler. It was never enough to buy what I deserved, and also never enough to spend because he oh so helpfully took a big marker and wrote “VOID” across the front of each one. So per Mr. Generous, I had no cause to be disappointed, because he DID give me a very expensive gift–NOT.
“…he oh so helpfully took a big marker and wrote “VOID” across the front of each one.” What the what?!? Why bother?
Your sports equipment gifts sounds like Marge Simpson’s bowling ball.
Laughing. I used to keep a supply of Godiva chocolate bars in my home office. I would buy in bulk from Sam’s Club or Costco. That way I had them on hand to sweeten my extra thanks for service providers. People like the cleaning ladies who came an extra day, at an extra day of pay,of course,when I needed them. I printed up thank you messages for them, attached a 20 dollar bill and taped it up nicely to the big bars. The cheater, I eventually found out, would take bars from the box and give them to beyrayal objects. So funny! I think he told them he stopped at a Godiva store or something for them. Imagine their thoughts on seeing the messages and 20 dollar bill!! He also ordered a bright red winter balaclava for 3 or 4 of them. And ugly sweaters from Amazon that were many, many sizes larger than I would ever wear. And tons of faux inspirational books. Hysterical, in retrospect.
Sigh
another challenge that makes me jealous of all the “normal cheaters.” Mine did a runner after D-day (and over 4 decades together)
FW bought her the biggest house in her hometown and they moved there before he filed for divorce. Giant home on 20 acres is 3000 miles away and almost a 3 hour drive to a regional airport (He needs to travel monthly for work.) Turns out she forgot to tell him everyone in her hometown hates her for being a skank! Only her mother talks to her—sometimes if she needs to borrow money. She wasn’t the homecoming princess in high school. She was “popular” for other talents. So he hasn’t gotten quite the hero’s welcome he expected!
Wait. He bought her a house before your divorce was final? I’d check that state’s laws. In my state that’s marital property. “Tenants by the Entirety”, meaning he can’t buy or sell real estate without your knowledge or permission. You may be half owner of a giant home on 20 acres!
He could have faked your name on the deed. That’s fraud. My ex tried that crap when he tried to refinance the home we owned together. Luckily, most of the real estate attorneys in my city know me and the attorney he tried to use caught it. He was trying to pass off the wifetress as me. I had declined to sign a quit claim deed on our home until he had paid in full all he owed me per our separation agreement. Frauds, both of them.
My cheater bought the AP an eternity ring from the same independent jeweler that we had gone to for my engagement ring and our wedding bands. What stopped him from going to any big jewelry chains, I do not know. Probably laziness…