Cheated On and ACE
What if you’re ACE (a-segg-ual) and were cheated on? The experience is not as uncommon as you think.
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Hi Chump Lady,
I wrote to you several years ago, where you answered my letter: He Doesn’t Blame Me For His Affair.
It’s been almost exactly five years.
I wanted to tell you that I am still happily divorced and single.
I don’t think about him much anymore, but he still shows up in my nightmares. My nightmare version of him constructs a far more accurate persona than the mask he wore, I think. In my nightmares he’s cold, calculating, cruel, and stares at me with shark eyes.
The reason why I’m writing to you again is because I omitted something from my story. As I’ve been a casual reader and semicasual commenter for a while, I felt like I would share a little more in hopes that it might help someone else out there who might be going through this uncommon facet of chumpdom.
Part of why my marriage fell apart was because after I got married, as a celibate Christian, I discovered after we had made our vows that I was as*xual. I did what I could to accommodate and communicate, and he never once told me that I was not fulfilling him in the relationship. I believed our sexual incompatibility could be resolved through strong communication and mutual compromise.
He cheated.
Probably a lot more than I was aware of when he started trickle-truthing. Like I said in my letter, he didn’t blame me. He did not cite my as*xuality or my poor initiative over the years. But in the back of my mind I think I felt I deserved to be cheated on, because I wasn’t doing enough and I never have.
Now, I know that what needed to happen was an honest, difficult conversation about his expectations in the relationship. He needed to tell me that he felt unfulfilled and that if I wasn’t able to deliver, then we needed to ethically end the relationship. I could untangle the skein and blame Christian divorce stigma. But the fact remains that he’d rather abuse me than look bad to our conservative families for initiating a divorce.
As*xuality is pretty rare in the LGBT+ world.
Oftentimes we are invisible in the broader movement, but we face a lot of cultural discrimination. “You just haven’t met the right person” and “I could change your mind” or “you’re just not that into him” are things I’ve personally heard, as well as most of my Ace friends. We’re poorly represented in media (s*x sells), and we’re often coerced and infantilized. Aces often go through a phase of feeling “broken” and trying to force ourselves to be someone we’re not. I have a feeling that the percentage of struggling marriages due to one person being Ace is higher than we think.
Learning about and embracing my as*xuality has been very healing.
I no longer feel pressure to look “normal” to society and get in a romantic relationship. I just wanted to put this sentiment out there. It is okay and normal to be as*xual, to not have any desire for a physical relationship. I hope that if any of your readers feel this struggle, they can embrace who they are. Singleness is a wonderful life for me, I hope it can be for them too.
And if they were cheated on it wasn’t their fault. Ace or not, at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how much or how little I had s*x with my spouse. It wasn’t an excuse for me to be abused. He could have done literally anything else in an attempt to resolve his pent-up drives that didn’t involve abusing me.
Kayla
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Dear Kayla,
Thanks for the LACGAL update on your life and the important message about your identity. I think we’re in an age of understanding all sorts of diversities we kept hidden in the past. Conformity is a powerful force.
What’s striking to me is that you compromised.
You didn’t try to get your partner to conform to you. You felt the need to conform to his desires. While you didn’t fully understand this side of yourself, you tried. Given the upbringing you both had (no seggs before marriage), he didn’t fully understand his needs either. But he went about this exploration completely unethically. Risking your health and well-being.
Which underscores, yet again, that cheating is a character problem. It’s not a s*xual compatibility problem. Or a monogamy problem. It’s a flawed, entitled person problem. We all have things that make us unhappy in relationships. Some of these things may even be deal breakers. It’s what you do with that information and how you conduct yourself that matters.
But the fact remains that he’d rather abuse me than look bad to our conservative families for initiating a divorce.
Why is divorce the bad guy?
This is the conservative calculus? It’s better to commit adultery than call a lawyer? I’m not a conservative Christian, but my recollection is there’s nothing in the 10 commandments about divorce. But two commandments which forbid cheating.
I’m glad you’re out and happy, Kayla. I’m sure you’ve made someone feel less lonely today.
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Thank you, Kayla! You have made me feel less lonely indeed.
It was only in the twilight years of my nearly 30 year marriage that I realized I was Ace. But I don’t know for sure that it wasn’t simply that my more caveman, r*pey, character-deficient, abusive husband brought it out. My gut tells me he did. Very early on when I thought he was a good guy like the image he presented I really liked seggs. A very different story than the past decade or more and I cannot imagine desiring it anymore.
Same situation as you…modern conservative Christian narrative presented that divorce is the sin, not the cheating. So once I awakened to my realities I started praying that one of us would die accidentally or through a sudden aneurysm or something, because I saw it as my only escape.
I’m thankful I got out and thankful I don’t have to share my bed with anyone! I still sometimes wake up after nightmares of his pressures for seggs when he was FAR from being sensitive and companionable to me (he was to HER, though!).
Ace stories need to be shared – I’m glad CL is providing the space for it and you’ve launched the conversation, Kayla.
I also, at times, thought, “Well, there’s death.” It was that bad. My now-ex was in very poor health most of our marriage. Naturally, I pushed aside those thoughts.
But in time, my attorney asked if I ever thought that way. Well, yes, but I didn’t dwell there. I don’t lash out and can’t imagine being violent. My attorney said, “Good, keep it that way. It makes cases complicated.”
I laughed, and he laughed. I can only imagine. We went to the next legal issue.
We were a supposedly conservative Christian couple. The bedroom was mostly good, but my ex turned it into his retirement hobby and went way over the line. I was not on board with many of his ideas, and he became abusive on multiple fronts. He was reinventing himself in ways I didn’t like and found that more acceptable than divorce (“God hates divorce”).
We separated long-distance. He was secretive about his doings. I sought every possible means of help in trying to make sense of it all. He had been an addict with significant mental health issues, something I had minimized. Those issues were big and had to be considered as well.
Ultimately, I refused to reconcile, ending all discussions about the relationship. He shamed and blamed, using the Bible to bludgeon me. Then he decided he wanted a divorce and justified it by saying that I was a “rebel wife” and that the Bible justified the divorce that way. Never mind his bad behavior. He gave me an ugly, long divorce and closeout. It could have been so very different if he really wanted his life, his way. I had picked an attorney who stressed polite effectiveness, and he got it done. He was a man of faith who gave me many valuable observations and a lot of encouragement from 40+ years in family law.
All good now. I’m semi-retired and really don’t care to pair up again. The kids are grown and are lovely young adults. They actually like me and want nothing to do with Dad. He finally let go some years back, and we haven’t heard from him since. He’s reportedly still spouting the religious side of life while having a long-term girlfriend he overnights with that he isn’t married to. Well, not my committee.
It’s so simple – no matter your gender, seggsual identity, etc., it is the breaking of the pre-agreed terms that makes this a problem. The risks to one’s health, financial security, and sanity (that whole theft of reality thing when cheater is operating in secret)…all of these things can be avoided by confronting the unpleasant truth of incompatibility, falling out of love (you know, those things that cheaters wave around while opting to keep their unknowing partners on the hook) and ending the relationship ethically. While I am not ace, and maybe more “gray-seggsual” (not needing seggs all the time/sparingly seggsually attracted to others – in my case needing sufficient connection before feeling sufficient seggsual attraction) as another commenter said recently, I too felt to some extent like it was my fault that I couldn’t be on demand p*ssy for ex FW. I remember some weird FOO info I had from him that he knew his father and mother were *ahem* busy on the daily, and now understanding how problematic that relationship modeling was (his father’s overall demanding nature and his mother’s passive or passive-aggressive compliance) – that somewhere in the back of his lizard brain he had that same entitlement. I wasn’t enough and he didn’t conclude our relationship before developing a (which I’m pretty sure now is just continuing his life-long) secret seggsual basement, allowing me to invest in him – temporally, financially, emotionally. I mean, he greenlighted trying for a kid, so he also knowingly brought our daughter into this world on some level understanding he was already subverting and destroying her family with his selfishness. Anyone with some semblance of a conscience would want to lessen the pain for the other person and come clean. These FW just want to have their cake and eat it too. I don’t know how cheaters are able to weasel their way around this logic, or how cheater apologists are able to accept and/or endorse it. I guess centrality creates some pretty big blinders.
Makes me also think of a big red flag: When they whine like children about seggs, making it clear that their needs are paramount and they fail to understand someone might not be interested or mentally/emotionally available at the moment. Another thing I also think about, like OutButNotDown, I was much more interested in seggs at some point and it’s been hard to figure out if this is just how I really am/who I’ve grown into naturally, or if he traumatized the enjoyment out of me. It’s been a trip. One way or the other, your partner should be understanding – see you as a separate person, hear what you are saying (especially if you’re communicating as thoroughly as you are able), and have some compassion. And if they can’t, they’re not the person for you. Mr. What’s-His-Face-Comedian-Of-Whom-I-Have-Never-Heard (and I’m into comedy) from the other day is one of the loudest red flag examples of this I’ve ever seen. Blargh, yuck, ick, and blech. The only way this kind of c*ck thumping would be OK is if it she is also able to drop their marriage once his d*ck inevitably stops working. Although I think folks with more substance to them know that a genetalia-based marriage is honestly kind of bonkers. Good luck with labia driving you to urgent care, or leaning on a nut sack at your parents’ funerals.
And it’s the whole spouse appliance thing. If it’s quirky and doesn’t always work the way you want it to, go shopping! Or, even better, hedge your bets and shop on the side so you can always go back to the spouse appliance if things don’t work out in your shopping trips.
I truly don’t think my kids and I meant much at all to my ex in the end. His actions said that a hundred ways.
Definitely an object satisfying a need/filling a roll. Marriage, etc. is not for all, but some people don’t have the good sense to not take that path or want a beard and decide to just find someone to be their [insert person here], so how could you ever mean that much to them?
I think this post obliquely addresses a common problem that Chumps encounter, i.e. “you probably did something to deserve it.” None of us did, not even those of us in a seggsless (sigh – I hate typing these ridiculous censor-bot defeaters) marriage. Nobody is arguing that someone whose seggsual (sigh) needs are not being met must stay and suffer a lifetime marriage that makes them unhappy. The argument is that there is no excuse to lie, cheat, and steal when a grown-up alternative exists. Like CL says, difficult conversations are needed. And difficult decisions need to be made. My FW thought that since we were “best friends” (with benefits, just saying) that we could continue in that vein. And that would have been true if he had told me how unhappy he was, asked for a divorce, and treated me fairly, and only then pursued Mrs. Bendover. Someone may have legitimate and understandable reasons to leave a marriage, but I haven’t heard of any good reasons to betray a committed partner. OP says she did not know until after marriage that she was ace, but even if OP had fraudulently entered into the marriage, concealing from her husband that she was ace, it still would not have been right for the husband to cheat. An honest and respectful divorce is not cheating.
“Nobody is arguing that someone whose seggsual (sigh) needs are not being met must stay and suffer a lifetime marriage that makes them unhappy. The argument is that there is no excuse to lie, cheat, and steal when a grown-up alternative exists. Like CL says, difficult conversations are needed. And difficult decisions need to be made.”
And that’s it in a nutshell.
“Which underscores, yet again, that cheating is a character problem.” That’s it, no excuse for lying and stealing. Whether it is from your spouse or your employer.
As a Christian, I have never heard any clergy say cheating was preferable to a Divorce. I am sure there are those sects, but just not across the board.
For clergy who do lie and cheat, I doubt most of them have espoused it. They just didn’t think they would get caught.
My ex couldn’t use lack of sex as an excuse, it would have been laughable. So to my face he indicated it was my less than hospital level housekeeping. Then he married the town bike, whose housekeeping made me look like Martha Stewart. They will use any excuse except acting like a decent human being and keeping their promises, or dissolving the contract, before they start looking.
Funny thing.
My ex claimed she wasn’t interested in sex, didn’t feel sexual blah blah blah.
But she sure felt sexual with others.
I know, not truly related, but she claimed ACE status.
Probably to mask what she was up to.
Cheapens those who actually are asexual.
OP here.
People who claim as*xuality (or any other minority identity) when they actually aren’t reveals to me that they have no integrity.
Im not an LGBT gatekeeper and I’m not holding a magnifying glass to folks who claim to be ace and determine whether or not they belong in the “club.” Its silly tribalism.
What I AM going to judge is whether someone’s actions are consistent with their claims. Since as*xuality is a spectrum, I have noticed a lot of allosxuals trying to identify with the label when the reality is that they’re probably trying to manipulate people, find community, or aren’t honest with themselves. I even read a pretty horrific tale of a very k’nky individual trying to pressure their partner into various uncomfortable s*x acts- *and claimed they were ace.*
Youre on the ace spectrum if you aren’t motivated by s*x. You either find it unnecessary for fulfillment in a relationship or repulsive. If you have a passing interest in it, or willingness to partake, you might be Grey ace. If you find it completely uninteresting or repulsive, youre a full ace. What matters is whether or not you consider accessible s*x a deal breaker. If the idea of living your whole life without ever having s*x makes you unhappy or uncomfortable, you aren’t ace. If you cant stand the idea of a dead bedroom or unfulfilled desires or unexplored k’nks, youre not ace! And that’s fine! Just dont lie to yourself or to others.
Cheating is a character problem and integrity problem. So it doesn’t surprise me that this person made a claim that her actions clearly dont support.
Thanks, this was informative. And yes, it’s completely a character problem! I have found that FW aren’t very introspective, so would be less inclined to do the work to be a good partner and communicate, work on or end the relationship in earnest, etc. They’re surface-level humans and haven’t progressed past the id stage of life, just kids who want all the candy.
For various reasons, my xh’s libido was much (much) lower than mine. I struggled with that. But, I didn’t meet him til my mid 30s, and I’d struggled being on my own for so long too. So instead of focussing on what I was missing out on and looking to fulfil my desires outside the marriage, I chose to focus on what I did have in my marriage, to be grateful for all that I was blessed to have in it, and make the most of it. I wasn’t getting my physical needs met. But I didn’t have an affair. It’s that simple.
My ex who I was married to for almost 30 years had a much lower drive than I do. I knew that going in and it was ok and I never once cheated on him. I did enjoy the intimacy when it was there. Even when he had difficulty due to prostate cancer I did not ever stray, we worked on it together. As things were falling apart he told me he no longer wanted to actually have Seggs with me but he wanted to at night lay in bed with his hands all over me. When I asked what I do if I get excited he just shrugged.
He around that time was having an emotional affair. He stopped touching me at all. We’ve been divorced for four years and I guess he’s not dated. He’s claimed to be Ace but I don’t really know. He told me he was when he still wanted to just put his hands all over me at night. I thought doing that was unfair but I still never cheated on him. I was going to try and work it out.
Alas he did me a favor by divorcing me because it turned out not only was he having an emotional affair but he was actively pursuing close friendships with various women. And he did not want me to know any of them.
Also, I personally am getting way turned off by all of the stuff on Facebook and everywhere else about seggs is like the most important thing in your life and if you- meaning women usually- are not doing it ALL THE TIME and in a certain way there is something wrong with you.
I enjoy it with my partner but really there is so much more to life. And all of that stuff just turns me right off.
Sounds like they are full of shite.
And not fully emotionally developed.
On the whole I stay logged off from fb. I felt the stress leave my body about 15 hours after I logged off. Didn’t realise what I was carrying til it was gone. Just suddenly felt lighter, literally like a weight lifted.
Thank you.
I have sex regularly, but I could go the rest of my life without it.