Admiration for Women Over 50

Enough with the age shame — this chump writes to say the women she admires most are all over 50. Happiness and self-respect never go out of style.

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Hi Chump Lady and Chump Nation,

I was re-listening to LACGAL yesterday, and there was a letter from someone who had discovered her husband’s infidelity with a younger affair partner, and this poor chump was so down on herself. She was 52, and lamented her breasts no longer being perky, soft abdomen, and said “I wouldn’t be mistaken for a college co-ed.” The repost from a woman whom, also at 52, felt she was “too old” to start again, and her cheater husband kept walking all over her so he could get room and board.

I felt so bad for both of them.

Not only were they dealing with the betrayal, they saw themselves as too old for a better life.

I do hope they’re doing better with a happier life of mightiness and self esteem.

But I have an honest question: Why on earth, in your 50’s, would you want to be mistaken for a 20 year old college girl? I’m almost 40 and I certainly don’t want to be mistaken for a 20 something. 

Our society is just so utterly obsessed with youth.

Botox, lip fillers, snip this, tuck that, this cream, that treatment, count the grey hairs, smooth that wrinkle… often this insane pressure to always look young and hot is piled on women. That isn’t to say men do not suffer their own pressures, but it’s women who more often and publicly get put through the gauntlet of youth-scrutiny. I have 23-year-old coworkers who freak out about their Botox wearing off. 

I’m turning 39 this year. I’m planning to have a bash when I turn 40. Will I dye my hair? Perhaps. But not to cover greys (which I know I have.) But I want to do white and black like Lily Munster. In my eyes, a lovely and mature lady of 421!

I just saw my best friend of 20 years, and her hair is greying now. It looks so cool it’s like she did it on purpose. She’s chosen to leave it that way because she’s fine with it and she doesn’t feel like taking so much effort to keep dying it over and over.

All the women I admire most, both in my personal life and celebrities, are over 50.

I think of a woman I worked with in theater when I was younger. She passed away a few years ago, in her 70s. She was graceful, kind, and an incredible mentor and friend. My dance instructor who was still strapping on those dance shoes into her 70s living a retirement of her dreams (still taking dance classes!

Another good friend from those dance classes, in her mid 50s, possesses such a zest for life, curiosity, and willingness to go on new adventures all the time. And celebrity women? We need look no further than Betty White, who was so loved when she passed at 99, folks still thought it was too soon. Dolly Parton (rest her soul) a national treasure who has donated millions to children’s libraries and supports reading programs for kids books. Even Kate Winslet, now 50, who told directors she won’t starve or change her body to look 21 again. 

There are no college 20 something’s on my list of women I admire and wish to emulate. 

We need to let go of the idea of youth = value.

Everyone, EVERYONE, ages. We cannot escape time. Fighting it will get you a lot of stress, pain, and lost sense of self. The most stressed out, anxious people I know are people desperately trying to fight the progression of time. And looking young and perky doesn’t save anyone from being cheated on. Gorgeous actresses and superstars get cheated on. 

So to the lady from the book, lady from the repost, you mattered then. You matter now. Chumps in their 50s and beyond, you are not less because of your age. There is so, so much more to you than a wrinkle or a grey hair. I hope when I reach 50, I will have the same amount of experiences and stories and richness of character as the women on my list. 

Katherine

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Dear Katherine,

I can think of no better letter to receive on the day before my 60th birthday. I agree with you completely. One of my favorite artists, Alice Neel, didn’t get “discovered” until she was in her 70s. (She’d been a professional artist her entire life.) Her portraiture was hugely out of fashion during an era of Abstract Expressionism and she persevered and single parented, despite abject poverty and decades of rejection.

Or look at Iris Apfel, the business woman and style setter who modeled in her 90s. Or the British author Jane Gardam (who recently passed away at 96 and didn’t start writing novels until she raised her family).

There are so many ways to be an interesting, productive person.

I’ll take substance over shiny and new any day.

FWs, of course, like the shiny. I don’t know if it’s the status seeking of having younger arm candy, or the gullibility of those who don’t have fully formed prefrontal cortexes, but younger isn’t better. It’s just younger. It says nothing about a person’s character.

We were all younger once. And the thing with measuring your worth in “hotness” is, chances are if you were saddled with a cheater, they probably cheated on you when you were young and hot too. The goal posts are always moving. It’s not a you problem, it’s a them problem.

Youth isn’t an antidote to being cheated on any more than beauty, or wealth, or any other metric.

But we, especially women, often take the rejection as something to do with our age. Obsolete wife appliance. Services no longer needed. Traded in for a newer model.

That misogyny is everywhere, but we don’t have to internalize it.

The beauty of leaving a cheater and gaining a life is that you get to reinvent.

When I left a cheater, I had no idea I would brain dump what I learned on the internet and become Chump Lady. Or remarry. Or move to Texas, or DC or have a thousand other adventures. But there was a time in my life I thought the pain of being chumped would kill me. That I was washed up. That two divorces was the mark of failure, instead of a badge of honor that I refuse to tolerate FWs.

Tomorrow I turn 60. My book, Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life got reissued last week. And last night I got the happy surprise that it’s the #1 new release on Amazon in both Divorce and Single Parenting.

How cool is that?!

I don’t feel washed up being over 50, I feel grateful.

Which is why I keep preaching LACGAL — the quality of your investments matters. Your time is finite. You only have so much time left and so many people to spend it with. Don’t look back, or waste your life pining for a FW. Go live some chaos-free, saner, happier version of your life.

You might be poorer, your ass may jiggle with age (not in a good way), your hair may be thinner. None of that sh*t matters. You’re free! Go love something or someone again. A kid, a pet, a better boyfriend, a political cause. I don’t care, so long as it isn’t a FW.

Thanks for the reminder, Katherine, to know our worth whatever our age.