Cheating is a profoundly narcissistic act. (Of course, cheaters don’t see it that way. Usually they cast it as selflessly liberating someone from the oppressive bonds of sexless marriage to a jerk…)
But really cheating just all boils down to – ego kibbles. Cheaters need ego kibbles. Lots and lots of kibbles. Shrinks call ego kibbles “narcissistic supply,” but I prefer to think in terms of Narcissist Ego Chow. Cheaters need to feed. They need lots and lots of validation that they’re special, sexy, and understood by only a special chosen few. Problem is, ego kibbles are not very sating, and so they always need more. Part of that problem is the cheater – they’ve got a hole in their soul where empathy and connection should be. So, a person can shovel ego kibbles at the cheater, but they don’t fill up.
The other part is the unfulfilling quality of ego kibbles themselves. Narcissistic supply is like bad chicken feed. It’s full of arsenic, dead chicken bits, and barnyard poop. It’s cheap, commercial grade filler. It’s crap.
What’s in a bag of Narcissist Ego Chow? Flattery. Attention. Easy sex. Admiration without accomplishment. Shallow attachment. Infatuation. Fantasy. Centrality.
Cheaters prefer kibbles to love. Love requires reciprocity and connection. Love is messy and demanding. Kibbles are easier.
And remember, it takes a lot of ego kibbles to feed a cheater, and they don’t have any to spare for you, okay? Betrayed spouses tend to be very neglected during an affair. Kibbles are very, very precious. If cheaters give kibbles, it’s only because they want more kibbles back, and it’s going to be a lopsided trade. Look for a healthy, fulfilling relationship based in mutuality and respect. Don’t traffic in kibbles.
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I like tis a lot. Like the image om my XW eating kibbles from her doggie bowl.
It is really true, though. Much like your article on it being “too complicated” for the betrayed to understand, these folks seem to really beleive, or at least try to sell, that their immoral behavior is , somehow a noble, brave balh, blah.
My XW told me that “the chemistry became sexualized” in her various affairs. Doesn’t that sound evolved and spitiual? She loves this type of opaque language. She found “connection” with the various strangers she would meet in bars and spend the night with.
Now, she works as the “spiritual director” of an upscale CD treatment facility, for rich folks. Nice that she has never worked the 9th or 8th step in her AA recovery. Never owned what she did and never made rstituion or amends.
Did you know that Bill W, the founder of AA was a notorious philanderer and that the founding members would assign a male to watch him at meetings so he would not hit on the young women?
So, AA takes the position that infidelity , unlike other offenses, should not be disclosed to the spouse of an alcoholic cheater, as it would damage the betrayed further.
In reality , it is just another way toavoid the consequences of cheating.
yep. the notorious “13th step.” I guess Lois just looked the other way, poor co-dependent dear. Oh, I used to live about 3 miles away from his home in Bedford Hills, NY. (now a mausoleum, I believe; shit… I meant museum, of course) ;] A couple years ago, an acquaintance of mine wrote a play based on their love letters to each other. vomit.
This is probably the best description of “narcissistic supply” I have read. Thank you for this
You’re very welcome. I hope it never comes in useful again. (By which I mean, wishing you an NPD-free life!)
I have to say… this web site is fantastic. Exactly what I need as I cruise through the post-discovery and on towards ending the marriage. I get so bogged down in my own head that my emotions start directing my thinking. I’ve been searching and searching for a nonsense online resource to keep me thinking strait during my weak moments. THIS website will help keep me on track. Thanks for what you do!
My pleasure, Dani! Welcome!
This rings especially true for me because my “Andy” (credit to My Emotional Vampire page on FB for the name) likes to present himself as an empath.
You can imagine what its like to be married to a serial cheater who says he’s an empath. He was so busy telling me he understood how much he hurt me that he never even bothered to listen to me.
” He was so busy telling me he understood how much he hurt me that he never even bothered to listen to me.” I had to laugh over this. I found a powerpoint that my husband made with the pros/cons of divorcing me. He made it up right after he told me about the affair. Bullet 1 – “She is angry and upset. I totally understand.” Phew, so glad he wrote that done. He gets me, he really gets me!
I’m surprised there isn’t a photo of my husband next to this article. “They need lots and lots of validation that they’re special, sexy, and understood by only a special chosen few.”
Spot on.
ugh… For most of our 25 year marriage, I called my “sweet,” “gentle” h, “puppy.” I know… pretty fukin’ nauseating, ain’t it? I think that “gerbal” or “hamster” would’ve suited him better. Rat would work too. Where’s the exterminator?
OMG, this is so perfect… Even more so because one of the reasons my husband gave to our marriage counselor for having an affair was because my dog chewed up his hat and I didn’t give him enough sympathy for it and “that’s when he realized that I didn’t understand what was important to him.” A hat = important. A marriage, fidelity, trust of his children = not important. Okay, I got it.
i like to call them scooby snacks
same thing really with the canine reference, but the image of scooby gagging for them while velma dangles the box in the air is just too funny!
Yes! YES. This precisely describes my (soon to be dissolved) marriage. I had surprise birthday parties for her. Told her she was beautiful. Took her on fabulous vacations. Bought a house near her best friend. Moved to the same state as her parents. Tried doing lots of house work. Worked at home on Fridays so we could be sexual while the kids were at school, an before she was tired. I did everything I could think of to CONNECT with her. All kibble. There was NO RECIPROCITY. No connection in her head. Then she had a year-long affair with my daughter’s hockey coach (nice). And after I found out, she kept having contact with the idiot, despite the emotional distress this caused me. Actually she probably did it BECAUSE it caused me distress. Bottom line = she has ZERO empathy. The whole 16-year marriage was ego kibble.
“Cheaters need to feed. They need lots and lots of validation that they’re special, sexy, and understood by only a special chosen few.”
BINGO! Sounds so LIKE my ex. The other woman gave him this in droves…probably still does since they ended up married. Lucky for me, that’s her problem now! I mean, why does HE have to change right? HE is ‘perfect’ and ‘precious’. Insert vomiting emoticon here.
There was a time when I would given anything to be a fly on the wall when she finally figures it out but no more! I am done with the whole drama-seeking lot of them!
Hindsight is 20/20 and now I can see clearly that he was always an narcissist in need of so much Ego Chow that I could not keep up. It had to be CONSTANT. I swear, I had to tell him he shit beautifully or he would follow me around asking: did my shit not stink? Was it perfect shit? etc…Unfuckingbelievable.
Thank you, Chump Lady for starting this blog! I have gotten many a chuckle (and an occasional scream when remembering my past acts) out of it. How times have changed for me…
And all you who are just starting on the journey to enlightenment….trust me, it really DOES get better.
My ex from head to toe. And the stupidest part is that he would have had a generous supply of ego kibbles from me (I’m VERY affectionate, love to give positive feedback for positive action, am a huge chatterbox, so people around me get lots of attention, did see that he was smart, good at the technical side of his job, and good looking ….) except that he couldn’t give any back. He wanted it ALL, and got it; the pretty smart wife (that would be me!!!) who loved him like crazy, the nice house, the good job, the beautiful, healthy kids who love him, the family friends, outings and trips. But I got worn out doing the one-sided-marriage thing, and reduced (didn’t even eliminate!) the ego kibbles. We were actually in quite a good period in our relationship, but he went away for work, and didn’t want to make any effort to stay connected to home, so the ego kibble supply went down. Then he had to throw all the good stuff away, in order to screw somebody who looked at him w/adoring eyes, while demanding nothing.
Almost a year now, since I figured it out, I feel better and better (although obviously not to ‘meh’ yet!) and he’s not happy w/his current life. Poor thing.
Wow! A definition of a narcissist that I can understand. I always knew we all have narcissistic traits and when I’d read the definitions I could always find something that would not fit my husband, but this hit the nail on the head. However, it still makes me want to cry. He isn’t 100% bad. I see so much good in him except for this MAJOR FLAW. I’m trying to get my head around it. I don’t think he is a good mate for me, but at the same time I will miss his friendship.
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