I Can’t Find the Courage to Tell Her I’m Leaving

Thought I was done blathering? Why no. Here’s Part Deux.

One thing guy survivors of abuse by women can run into that might cause consternation is that most resources for domestic abuse survivors seem to be geared to women. It’s because, statistically, most abusers are male and most of the severe consequences, economic fallout, injuries and deaths from domestic abuse are typically suffered by women. But not always as you’ve unfortunately had to observe first hand and the best experts in the field of domestic abuse/CC also know this.

And therein lies another risk which is particular to male survivors of domestic abuse. Some of the veteran guy chumps here have talked about this and I’ve seen several male survivors of betrayal and emotional abuse temporarily fall prey to the misogynist “manosphere” or Incel hubs because the latter seems to offer solace for those who believe they were abused by women. Unfortunately, something else you know is that typical abusers will play victim to their own victims so male chumps who find themselves in the manosphere often have the icky experience of realizing, “Wait a minute. These other guys aren’t survivors but perps!”

It really doesn’t help the recovery process to end up surrounded by the “male” versions of one’s own she-FW and it can be sickening to feel tainted by association. This is not to suggest you’re especially susceptible to ideological boondoggle like this but we can all do uncharacteristic things under duress. At the very least, you might run into fellow guy chumps who’ve temporarily fallen prey to radical spin which can be depressing since men who do this often end up more miserable and lonely than ever since most normal women find Redpill rhetoric scary and a turnoff. Guys like this can make it seem like outcomes for male chumps are bleak.

But there’s another way to look at domestic abuse that is not divisive and actually highlights the common ground that survivors of both genders and all stripes share– which is that all abusers are “abusosexuals.” It’s their primary identifying trait beyond male/female/gay/straight/bi, etc., and the thing that lumps them all together (hopefully in a sputnik that’s sent into outer space to orbit the earth forever).

Back when I worked in advocacy, though most of the survivors I encountered were women, we also sometimes interfaced with male survivors of abuse by female partners. What I learned is that, though survivors run the gamut and tend to be individualistic and original, abusers– whether male or female, gay or straight– are all pretty much the same, maybe give or take differing capacities for physical violence. It’s like abusers all lose their humanity, individuality and specialness by trying to dehumanize others, therefore tend to have a lot of surprising and very specific things in common in terms of histories, tactics and mentality.

For example, as advocates it started dawning on us that, quite weirdly, hostile and “benign” forms of sexism are common denominators in both male and female abusers and cheaters. Basically women survivors were always being chastised for not being “feminine” enough by their abusers (while their abusers chased cartoon bimbos) while male survivors were being told they weren’t “man enough” by female abusers (and sometimes found themselves replaced by knuckle-dragging thugs). Because unstable liars have no problem contradicting themselves, abusers might mix up their attacks on partners from time to time with male abusers telling their victims the latter are too “weak/dependent” or female abusers casting their male hostages as “overbearing and domineering.” But DARVO attacks on victims’ sexuality are typically very trad and sexist.

In other words, abusive cheaters of both genders seem to be sexually hung up on one side or the other of the exact same rigid trad gender role coin– the idea that men should be “dominant” and brutal and always want sex and women should be submissive and prissy (at least in the context of sex).

This is just what we were seeing anecotally but it’s only more recently that social science has started to catch up to what advocates observed. There have been some studies on something called “hyperfemininity” or “toxic femininity” which is seen as the counterpart to so-called “toxic masculinity” and that individuals of both genders with these traits are more likely to commit sexual coercion against the opposite sex.

There are two issues that probably need qualifying in the above argument. One is the fact that many “hyperfeminine’ women may have jobs and periodically identify as “feminists” when it suits them. But you’ll always notice that these types of women are not great friends to other women (don’t support other women at work, tend to get into rivalries, tend to sexually compete with other women, use sexual terminology to put other women down, etc.) and also will throw over men who are egalitarian good providers for knuckle-dragging thugs. The second thing that should be qualified is that, when chumps are in the throes of being sexually rejected and “discarded,” it feels like the opposite of being sexually “coerced.” But, prior to the discard stage, there are typically periods where FWs were still having sex with chumps while secretly cheating. This could technically be viewed as “rape by deception/sexual coercion” in the case the chump would have refused sex had they known what their partners were really doing.

Anyway, in several studies, lying, manipulation and deception to obtain sex are included among coercive strategies used by “toxic” hypermasculine/hyperfeminine types so cheating could fit within the definition of coercion. https://www.academia.edu/16623685/Sexual_Coercion_in_Men_and_Women_Similar_Behaviors_Different_Predictors?email_work_card=thumbnail

Russell and Oswald (2001) found that a ludic lovestyle, described as an emotionally uninvolved and manipulative approach to intimate relationships, predicted sexual coercion in their sample of college women. Contrary to their hypotheses, highly feminine attitudes, captured by descriptors such as ‘‘emotional,’’ ‘‘gentle,’’ and ‘‘aware of feelings of others,’’ best characterized sexually coercive women, whereas highly masculine attitudes, captured by descriptors such as ‘‘independent,’’ ‘‘competitive,’’ and ‘‘superior,’’ best characterized non-coercive women.

The study cited in the above research describes more specific overlaps in male and female “coercers.”In any case, the basic message is that all survivors of abuse have a common enemy in terms of cartoon gender ideology and this can be a way of “considering the source” when experiencing post-separation abuse by abusive former partners. It can also act as a handy red flag and early warning system of who to avoid during the healing journey and a green flag regarding safer company during a time when we’re especially skinless.

Wishing you strength and hope during this difficult time. Like everyone says, it gets better with time if you can manage to stay out of the orbit of destructive people.