Stupid Shit Cheaters Say

Cheaters say the darndest things. Got a submission for Chump Lady?

{ 871 comments… read them below or add one }

Lori August 2, 2012 at 10:38 am

She’s just my confidant at the gym.

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Chump Lady August 2, 2012 at 1:47 pm

That’s pretty stupid. I’ll add it to the list.

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Kat February 6, 2013 at 3:23 am

My husband affair was the gym owner

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Tracy August 14, 2013 at 8:22 am

Mine married the gym owner!!

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K dawg January 31, 2014 at 8:05 pm

Oh god. My soon to be ex was having affair with assistant mngr at our gym!

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jcco July 22, 2014 at 9:21 am

My soon to be ex is still fucking the Brazilian at the gym with bigger shoulders than his, I wonder what else is bigger?

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ForgeOn! February 6, 2014 at 9:16 pm

“I saw something I liked and went for it!”
(So, that makes it OK?!)

“I thought she would make me happy!”
(Who has ever experienced happiness by ‘swimming in the sewer’?

And one that others have posted already:
“I thought our marriage was over!
(Well, it is NOW!)

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Kristine March 2, 2014 at 4:42 am

I am sick and tired of you not believing me! You are always so negative.”

“Okay, fine, yes, I did have sex with her.”

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Ms. Shepp July 14, 2014 at 9:55 am

Kristine: I can match that – “I don’t watch porn! I don’t even like it! I’ve never liked it! God!! Why do you keep accusing me of things I didn’t do? I can’t take it!”

“So what if I watch porn?”

(chat, watch, webcam, download)

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Inky August 23, 2012 at 4:46 pm

“I thought because you were a liberal you would be ok with it.”

(My response: That’s right-all liberals are ok with breaking marriage vows.)

“You never wanted to go anywhere.”

(My response: I hope you got those wonderful destination cheap motels out of your system.)

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Chump Lady August 23, 2012 at 6:42 pm

Wow. That is stupid. Hey, what does he/she look like? (On my link I have a form that asks this.) Thanks!

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Karen May 3, 2013 at 11:27 pm

I got the same response to his first affair ‘you know people who are swingers and people who have open relationships, you’re OK with them. So I thought you might be OK w/this too!’
I didn’t even have to say anything, the couple’s therapist we were seeing pointed out that in those situations everyone knew what was going on and agreed to it!

And the dumbest thing of all is that if we had talked about swinging or threesomes or whatever, I probably would have been FINE w/trying it – I’m pretty adventurous – for something WE would try together! He actually made his sex life WORSE by having an affair. ‘Cause the affair made me realize that for him there was no ‘we’, only a ‘me’.

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Tabitha May 16, 2014 at 3:08 pm

You go, girl. I totally agree with your view point. If there’s an open discussion and agreement then, WE could do something like that, but when they throw a party for two and it doesn’t involve you, then, yeah no. Totally agree that a lot more men than is probably realized, ruin what could’ve been the best and craziest sex life by having an affair and not coming to their partner who may have been open to other ideas and maybe even had some of her own.

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JL August 26, 2012 at 4:57 am

‘She’s fun’

‘Marriage shouldn’t be hard work’

‘I need sparks and butterflies’

‘You ignored me’

‘I have no friends’

‘We lost the connection’

‘She’s really, really fun’

He’s a serial cheat, by the way. Nasty piece of work, he is.

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Chump Lady August 27, 2012 at 2:52 pm

I want to draw sparks and butterflies. What is he, a 14 year old GIRL?

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JL September 6, 2012 at 3:20 am

He acts like it, that’s for sure. He told one of the kids that love is ‘when you get that feeling in your stomach that makes it feel really excited. That’s when you know you’re in love’. So yes, he’s a 14 year old girl living in a grown-assed 40 year old man’s body.

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Barblicious October 14, 2013 at 1:32 am

Lord, that made me laugh. My ex, said he loved me but I didn’t give him butterflies or that spark that he needs. He is Peter Pan. Total narcissistic personality. A few months back he informed his sister that he “could have any woman he wanted” lol! Then last week he tried to sell me that he had changed. Ugh.

It is comforting to read others have heard the same BS and I am not “crazy” as he tries to paint me, when I stand my ground and insist on my boundaries.

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Tabitha May 16, 2014 at 3:10 pm

I wish there was a “like” button on this site. JL and Barblicious, you both made me laugh and your comments reminded me of the movie “Hall Pass”. Have you seen it?

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Lori L April 24, 2013 at 2:38 pm

Oh, I got the “Marriage shouldn’t be hard work” comment, along with ” if you love one another marriage shouldn’t need anyone to do work at all.” Priceless.

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NoMoreLies January 3, 2014 at 9:37 am

“You didn’t even care enough about me to ask me if I’m cheating”

“I wouldn’t cheat on her because she will keep me interested”

“I wish you would do bad things so I could feel better about my cheating”

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ForgeOn! February 18, 2014 at 12:12 pm

Thanks, NoMore…you triggered my memory with your comments……

“I tried to make you hate me, so you would go away. I don’t understand why you just wouldn’t go away!”
(Perhaps it had something to do with my marriage vows?!)

“How dare you, how DARE you even ask such a thing!!! How disrespectful!!”
(said when I questioned whether he was calling her. I had finally gotten hold of the previous 8 months’ cell phone records, a time period he had claimed to have cut it off with her, had only 2 or 3 instances of phone contact. I was trying to give him an opportunity to ‘come clean’. Yeah right….Silly me!! He had been calling her multiple times nearly everyday, as well as still seeing her. This was before texting was available)

“What I really appreciate about her is…..”
(I cut him off…did not want to hear THAT one!)

“You’re just driving us together!”
(I think they all say a version of this)

“I was planning to leave you anyway once the children were grown.”
(Well, then just leave. Don’t cheat!)

Another of his justifications was that I did not want more children. Of course not! Why would I want to continue to reproduce with a cheater & abuser?!

(His last whore was married, with 2 toddlers. He is older than HER father! She got pregnant during their affair and he was hoping it was his. Nope….was her husband’s child. As it was, she had 6 guys total she was juggling, so the odds were against him anyway! GAG!!! That’s the main reason he did not go live with her—would cramp her style!)

Forge on, friends……

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ThrewHimOut August 27, 2012 at 1:04 am

“She works on My team. Of course, I have to have lunch alone with her. And I walk to the train with her every night, too. What’s Your Problem? I’ll be fired if I don’t. You just want me to lose my job.”

“I don’t have to wear my wedding ring to prove I love you, of course I love you. I don’t think I should have to Prove anything.”

I was married to a over-intelligent, charming sub-human with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. (Interestingly, all my, male friends refer to him as a douchebag. My former female friends just made excuses for him.) I put up with way too many years of mindfuck. I was slowly, over years, being driven crazy – I had no clue what was happening, he was so good at twisting everything around that I couldn’t think straight.

He had emotional affairs and threw it in my face – “You should be grateful I didn’t stick my dick into her,” and then he resented me for it. Threw him out March 2010. 4 days after I filed for divorce, Surprise! he had a new girlfriend – the one from the top quote. He got rid of her and begged to come back in Oct 2010. He even started wearing his wedding ring – yeah, that was an impressive move (no, I did not take him back). Divorce final July 2011. I haven’t spoken to him in a year. It’s a slow heal, but I’m getting clearer and stronger everyday. Thank you, thank you, for your website! Your writing is great – I really enjoy it. Reading it has helped me a lot, and I imagine it’s helped a lot of other women, too.

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Chump Lady August 27, 2012 at 2:51 pm

Thanks THO. Boy he sounds like a real asswipe. Grateful he didn’t stick his dick in her? I’d reply “You should be grateful I don’t chop it off.” He’s astounded you don’t want the wonderfulness that is him BACK? LOL. Congrats on getting out of that. All the best to you.

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Jeanmarie July 21, 2013 at 11:07 am

I had a very similar experience. My ex carried on a lengthy affair with a co-worker. When I confronted her about it she said “he was my boss, what was I supposed to do?” My response….REPORT HIM

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all4freedom December 25, 2013 at 10:01 pm

mine got fired bcz she was one of his managers, then they both got jobs at the same company again ( I believe he helped get her hired in) so they were still working together but she wasn’t directly under him at work so she could still be directly under him out of work. jackholes. BUT I am a bitch and a liar since I planned the divorce and didn’t tell him until I filed.

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threwhimout2 April 17, 2014 at 12:21 pm

gawd this sounds like mine…yep and I too am the bitch because I threw him out of his house and divorced him…hmm I wonder why?

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TKM April 26, 2014 at 7:50 am

My soon to be X was still wearing his wedding ring months after he walked out the door and into the OW house. My daughter,age 14, one day on one of their rare meetings just asked him out of the blue for the wedding band back “because she didn’t want him using that wedding band if he married the whore and since he was such a cheap bastard he probably would”. My daughter felt since I had given it to him in love he didn’t deserve it or what it represented.

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Getthehellawayfromme August 29, 2012 at 4:33 pm

If you neglect me I know I’ll go and find me someone who will be there for me.
It wasn’t intimate. I never kissed her. I just threw a rubber on and stuck my dick in her.

Me: Why is there a broken up condom box in the garbage since we don’t use them?
Him: I gave some to a family member and then I opened up the new box just in case.

Me: Why is there a used rubber on the side of the bed?
Him: Oh, I used it when I masturbated to see what it would feel like.

Me: (while folding his laundry) Um..whose underwear are these?
Him: I take it they aren’t yours?
Me: Um, No.
Him: Oh, one time so and so came by and had to use my washer and dryer because hers wasn’t working.

Me: Gee, I noticed these two long red hairs in the bathtub. I haven’t showered here in weeks and the hair is perfectly straight (mine is curly). Did someone take a shower besides you?
Him: Hmm….I’m the only one that took a shower yesterday. (then a few days later) Oh, I looked at the hairs, I think they are my underarm hair.

Me: Oh, I saw this note on the floor that said you would be seeing someone at 7:30 in the morning with a smiley face on it. Are you talking your ex-gf somewhere in the mornings?
Him: Gee, I don’t know what note you are referring to. I might have written that to my son when I had to do some work. And, no..she’s had a dentist appointment a while back early in the morning but I don’t know of anything else. (I overheard her tell him she would see him in the morning).

Me: Are you cheating on me with your ex-gf?
Him: NO!

Me again: Are you cheating on me with your ex-gf?
Him again: No!

Me after hearing him talk to her and say that what they had was the best thing that never happened: Are you cheating on me with your ex-gf?
Him: Well, we did it once when you and I were broken up. But, I was lonely and it only happened once.

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Chump Lady August 30, 2012 at 8:18 am

Wow, that’s a lot of stupid. Very sad. Please tell me you’ve gotten the hell away from all that.

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Lori L April 24, 2013 at 2:48 pm

“Me: Gee, I noticed these two long red hairs in the bathtub. I haven’t showered here in weeks and the hair is perfectly straight (mine is curly). Did someone take a shower besides you?
Him: Hmm….I’m the only one that took a shower yesterday. (then a few days later) Oh, I looked at the hairs, I think they are my underarm hair.”

OMG…I had the same thing happen to me. Except my NPD told me they were long carpet fibers and NOT the hair of his SUPPOSED Ex-Girlfriend that he had supposedly broken up with months before we got together. She had Long, dark hair, like the ones I found in the shower. Aka carpet fibers per the lying mind screwer. Nothing but crazy making,

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Getthehellawayfromme August 30, 2012 at 12:22 pm

Oh it took me awhile (not all those happened at once) but I am finally done with that piece of crap. 3 years of this I tolerated. He was an alchie too. I learned my lesson and am taking care of me. :)

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Chump Lady September 1, 2012 at 7:04 pm

Thank goodness. All the best to you.

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MsSunshine September 15, 2012 at 1:29 am

You’d like her. She’s just like you. (Oh puleeeze. I’ve never prostituted myself. I have never handed my children over to my mother-in-law to raise. I’ve never moved into the bed of a married man……and that’s just the beginning of the horrors this cheap whore committed.)

She had no choice. She made so much more money. (She made so much more money hooking because she only has a grade six education and can’t speak English.)

How about you get me 95% of the time and she only gets me 5% of the time on Sunday afternoons. And you’ll get the new, better me. (Wow. How generous of you!)

(If he ever finds his way here he’ll recognize himself! What kind of pathetic moron says shit like this?)

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Chump Lady September 15, 2012 at 6:47 am

Jaw dropped. Wow.

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Nord September 18, 2012 at 12:20 pm

Oh. My. God. My STBX said similar to me.

‘If you met her under different circumstances you’d think she was really nice.’

‘Why in fuck would I want to meet and/or hang out with a 25-year-old?’

Or, about another affair I found out about.

‘She’s really nice and you’d like her if you met her.’

‘No, I don’t think I’d like some cow who blew you in a closet and was ready to go back for more FOUR FUCKING YEARS LATERS.’

Sheesh.

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GreenGirl February 4, 2013 at 4:27 pm

He wanted to divide his time between you in a compromise of some sort? Seriously?

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Barblicious October 14, 2013 at 1:44 am

Oh my gawd. My ex said the same. “You would get along with her, you toward so alike.” When I told his mother and sister that I was insulted by that they said I should be, as his own mother refers to her as “the skank” and was highly embarrassed by the alcoholic drama this woman (and him) caused his family.

Again, amazed they all use the same lines!

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TheMuse January 4, 2014 at 4:15 pm

She’s actually your best friend.
Me: huh?
She was telling me I should tell you about her.
(He didn’t tell me, i caught him).

I ran the sharing idea by her and she wouldn’t go for that.
(he didn’t run that by ME).

I wish I could split myself in two so one of my could be with her and one with you. (hand me the machete, I’ll do it for you.)

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Arnold September 19, 2012 at 5:33 pm

My Xw would spout an assortment of vague , new agish gibberish, usually including some reference to ” connection”,” sexualized chemistry”, “unmet emotional needs” and her “spirituality”.
I could never understand WTFshe was talking about. Of course, I may have been a lttle too tired, working all day, and taking care of our kids by myself all the time while she “journaled about FOO issues” at a local hotel bar(convenient, eh?) where she would pick up strangers and bed them.
Guess they “connnected ” with her, and , almost instantly, met her emotional needs while sexualizing the chemistry between them.
How this moron ever functioned in the real world is beyond me. Guys tolerated it(36dd’s may have had something to do with that) , but women , quite quickly, detested her.

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Chump Lady September 19, 2012 at 8:54 pm

Sexualized the chemistry? Vomit.

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Arnold September 20, 2012 at 9:19 am

Yeah, I love that phrase. She was always a quick study in the new age gibberish realm. She often would greet me, post divorce, with “Namaste”. Her new husband, who divorced her after afew years of her crap, was the beret wearing, petulie oil wreaking , man purse type(much more “spiritually evolved” despite having cheated on his first wife, and, evenntually, on my XW , too).
The rules do not apply to these folks. That is for the peasantry.

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r louise January 4, 2013 at 6:35 am

What? You don’t like Patchouli? ;-)

Yeah, my STBX had a years-long “friendship” with one of those new-agey types. He purchased angel cards, some sort of pendulum so he could get messages from his angels, had chakra oils, etc. etc. One of his biggest complaints of me is that we didn’t have sexual chemistry. And also, I just wasn’t “spiritually evolved” enough. I did the “pick me” dance for years because we had a daughter and (I thought) had built a life together. And yes, I’m humiliated that I did. Because eventually, he met someone else 20 years younger (who apparently was willing to leave her spouse for him) and here I am trying to heal and move forward while he is living life like a single 20-something. (We’re both in our 50s.) Am I bitter? Just a little. Will I be better off without the jerk? Absolutely.

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Gio April 8, 2014 at 11:16 pm

It’s patchouli Arnold. I always think that’s the incense we burned in college when we were trying to cover up the pot smell.

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Arnold September 20, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Hey, watch it. You have 9 male cartoons to 3 female. I think it is pretty well accpeted that women cheat more than men(just trying to stir the pot. One of my least favorite debates)

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Chump Lady September 20, 2012 at 1:32 pm

I draw what people send me!

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Karen February 22, 2013 at 3:56 pm
Tom September 7, 2013 at 4:21 pm

Karen, he was only kidding (the stirring the pot comment ). We know men are much more in the majority when it comes to cheating. It is why I like to say I live in opposite land or, in a “Superman” reference. Bizzaro world. I talk to the single moms and single moms that are remarried all the time about the hardships of rasing two kids basically alone. One even calls me her single mom work friend, I don’t mind because I take it as a compliment.
I do love this website and the Ego Kibbles and the chump concept.. greatness.

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CallMeRed September 23, 2012 at 6:34 am

“I wasn’t cheating, I was taking matters into my own hands.”

“She looked like you only slimmer.”

“She had a fit body, it was great.”

“ILYBINILWY.”

“Anything online isn’t cheating.”

And all sorts of other juicy piles of stink.

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Chump Lady September 23, 2012 at 7:57 am

She looked like you ONLY SLIMMER? What an abusive POS!

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CallMeRed1 September 24, 2012 at 10:13 am

Funnily enough that was what the counsellor said ;o)

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CallMeRed1 November 6, 2012 at 3:55 pm

I just wanted to let you know, I filed for a divorce today! Yippee!

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Chump Lady November 6, 2012 at 4:19 pm

Yea Red! Congratulations on your new life. :-)

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TKM April 26, 2014 at 8:08 am

Haha, I got the she looks just like you only slimmer line too! And if you met her you would really like her. And she feels so bad about what’s happened. And them the best line – so we can all be one big happy new super family! Stunned by the seriously fucked up words coming out of his mouth I asked how he thought this was all going to work. He had it all planned – he would live with her but come several nights a week and spend time with us. And he was serious!

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Sam October 4, 2012 at 2:02 pm

A month after he proposed to me, he used MY laptop to chat with a girl that he had sex with a year before (we were split for like 5 months) . I read it, he invited her to go out and get drunk with him and hangout. He said how cute she still looked and she gushed and said “oh nuh uh im totally ugly” Of course the fish for compliments……he was hooked giving her more compliments…….His response when confronted “Oh I wasnt actually going to hang out with her, I just wanted to see if she still had feelings for me”
Me “Why do her feelings matter to you now?”
Him “I dont know Its nice when other girls compliment me” -_- He cheated, we arent together……

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Chump Lady October 4, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Bullet dodged! I hope you ended it before you married him. Classy using your laptop.

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Fiore October 10, 2012 at 9:39 pm

Mine cheated in the midst of my high risk pregnancy. His explanation: I was so stressed. I needed a break.

I also really appreciated an alternate explanation: I thought I would eventually stop and you would just never know.

Oh and one more: Well, I didn’t think you would divorce me!!!! (think aghast, horrified tone)

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Chumped too August 29, 2013 at 10:05 pm

Yep, mine cheated starting when our son and I got back home out of NICU. While I was taking care of our preemie newborn, he was on work courses for months at a time nationally and internationally and hooking up on all of them. My psych summarised it by saying that once the attention wasn’t all on him anymore (I’d practically lived for him) then he had to get others to stroke his ego… lots of others! Classic narcissist! When I asked why he needed so many different women (online and in real life) he explained that if one wasn’t available when it suited him, he would just get another one to meet his ‘needs’. Apparently women are just instruments of gratification… divorce next month!!! WOOHOO!!!!!

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Patsy April 6, 2014 at 12:26 pm

I got that too: I thought it would fizzle out and you would never know. It WAS fizzling out ( – BD2 5 years later)

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tamara October 24, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Him: I keep accidentally hurting you

Me: you accidentally put your dick in her mouth? Where were you aiming?

Another time, while I was emotionally broken down and crying, a few months after learning he had affairs and prostitutes for years.

Him: What can I do to help?

Me: Stop piling on more shit for me to deal with.

Him: Can you give me an example of how I’ve done that?

Me: HAHAHAHAHA Are you serious?

Him: Well, aside from the obvious.

Me: Never mind, I’m fine.

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Chump Lady October 24, 2012 at 1:47 pm

OMG Tamara. He’s gone now I hope? “Accidentally hurting you”?! Yeah. Oops. Like it wasn’t premeditated at all. Grrrrr.

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tamara October 25, 2012 at 9:58 pm

Yeah, he and I split about a year ago. Now, of course, he’s a mess and calls and cries about how sorry he is and (get this) how much “he knows getting me back would make such a big difference in HIS life.”

loser

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Chump Lady October 26, 2012 at 7:29 am

HIS life? Aiiigh! Dude, your narcissism is showing. Zip that up!

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tamara October 27, 2012 at 7:00 am

Hah! Pretty sure keeping things zipped up is not his forte….

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LassoOfTruth October 30, 2012 at 10:31 am

“Disrespectful? I know that’s YOUR perception and YOUR reality, but I never meant to be disrespectful.”

Mmmm…ok.

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Chump Lady October 30, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Ah, the situational truth ploy. I know it well. There is NO reality, no truth. It’s all malleable. Situational. That’s YOUR reality, but me, I’ve constructed a nice one here in which I Am Never Wrong. What? You don’t recognize my reality?! How dare you!

BTDT. Crazy making.

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Lori L April 24, 2013 at 3:05 pm

Another one he used to play. He saw things his way, and I saw them in my way according to him. Therefore, of course I “needed to see what he said as a lie. You need that to feel better about yourself.”

“No jerk! I see what you said as a lie because it was a lie and it hurt to know you were dishonest with me cheese breath!”

….. ” we’ll of course you see it that way, you need to feel hurt to make yourself the victim and me the bully…. ”

So according to him, he never lied, (even though he DID LIE) it was just my old family dynamics I was playing out. So I never got an acknowledgement, let alone an honest apology or change in behavior. No he always upped the ante and created bigger and better lies, since he never really lied (according to HIS theory, I was taking what he said and twisting it around to make it sound like a lie).

Try talking to that! Lol

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Barblicious October 14, 2013 at 2:02 am

Mine was, “there is a difference between a lie and an omission of details” lol!

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MissFake July 22, 2014 at 6:01 am

Holy crap mine pulled that line, too! He looked so ashamed when I said “That’s fucking BULL SHIT. I asked you repeatedly to your face if you were cheating or wanting to see other people.” Nice try. He’s also kept saying “Will you get off your moral high horse?” Yeah, I move in and share my bed and desires and fears with someone I feel no moral obligation to be honest with. I guess not, morality is out the window. Another: “I thought we cohabitated well.” REALLY?? I hated smelling your farts and cleaning your bathroom, buying your groceries and paying your bills (he whined that I demanded splitting everything) and roommates don’t force sex on one another.

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Anna January 6, 2014 at 6:29 pm

That is soooo familiar to me at the moment. Since he left, I have found out about at least 5 women. He is still denying it (trying to control what I think of him), and when that gets him nowhere, it’s back to “well you are clearly just going to believe what you want to believe”.

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Tired of all the lies January 29, 2014 at 8:19 am

Im in this same situation…. I’ve found evidence of another affair he denied said i was crazy didn’t want to talk about again. Now keeps trying to get some from me- i don’t understand- one minuet wants a divorce next wants to rub me & make me feel good???????

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chumptotheend June 2, 2014 at 5:46 pm

Mine told me he doesn’t lie he only pacifies…what? Oh You mean telling me what it is you think I want to hear so that I don’t give you any grief or make it difficult for you to run off and cheat on me! That is not lying????? He really doesn’t think so. He thinks that if he says the right things then it makes him look good regardless of whether or not there is any truth or follow up! He is so bad about his delusion on this I wonder about his grip on reality at times.

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Responsibleforme July 22, 2014 at 5:33 am

I also got “well you’ll believe what you want to believe”
Ummm – dude. The DNA test was conclusive. Everything else was circumstantial but online adverts are pretty damning when asking for “discreet liaisons”

Lol

2 years out the lines are now more amusing than upsetting.

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Hurt1 November 8, 2012 at 6:18 pm

After 24 years of marriage, I was blindsided the day after Christmas 3 years ago when I suspected something. This was his reply to my question about the suspicions:

“Think I like crab cakes for Thanksgiving?” Ex bought the crab & made the cakes!

“I want new sexual experiences.” Ex wasn’t talking about having them with me.

“They were only $30 earring from J.C. Penny.” As if the cheapness made it ok – later I found out it was $60 bracelet from a fine jeweler.

“You have a job not a career.” I had the same job for the last 12 years – this from a man making 6 figures.

“I deserve to be happy.” The classic whine of a cheating man.

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Chump Lady November 9, 2012 at 8:36 am

He cheated because of crab cakes? You can have me over for Thanksgiving dinner ANY TIME. I hope your holidays are bright and happy and full of crab cake enjoyment with his absence.

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kb January 9, 2014 at 12:41 pm

I keep thinking of the crab cakes. STBX used to love what I cooked and baked, and used to post photos on Facebook. Once he started seeing OW, he stopped. Also, he now dislikes a lot of the foods he used to say he liked.

I wonder if he’ll tell me he cheated because I didn’t fix him enough Campbell’s soup.

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Nord January 6, 2013 at 7:34 am

I can do better than ‘I deserve to be happy’. I asked ‘is your happiness more important than the happiness of your children?’. The answer: yes, yes my happiness is more important than the happiness of my children.

Weirdly, he isn’t all that happy right now. :)

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Been There Done That April 16, 2013 at 11:37 pm

I was told that the children would be happy that he was happy…

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Lori L April 24, 2013 at 3:11 pm

Been There Done That – I heard the same thing. My youngest has deep depression with suicidal tendencies and has been in and out of institutions 5 times in the last year living with him.

He is engaged to a woman who makes much money which makes him very happy, and he told me I would like her if I met her. Blech!

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HopiumAddict February 11, 2014 at 10:15 pm

OMG… I (XH cheaterpants) deserve to be happy… WTF… Do I (me the chump) deserve to be happy too? What about our son? Or all the people hurt by what both of you did, do they deserve to be happy? or is it JUST you and the OW (my one time very good friend)? Was there any thought about ANYONE ELSE or did you just not care about anybody but yourselves… Holy Crap, the balls on some people.

My ex and the ow truly believe that if they are happy, eventually everyone will be happy. Love triumphs right? ours didn’t why the fuck do you think the “love” you and OW will? It’s different? It’s special? Really? like ours was? ya right… good luck with that. Oh and keep your job please because she make like 0 money and has 2 daughters that she is going to need money to pay for therapy and weddings and college… besides your own child that you are going to have to spoil rotten to maintain a realtionship with when he gets to be a teen. Fucking Idiots.

feeling a bit bitter right now…

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lulu April 20, 2014 at 10:35 am

Re your post: ”
“My ex and the ow truly believe that if they are happy, eventually everyone will be happy. Love triumphs right?”

Sounds like what Tori Spelling kept saying and writing when she met her ‘soulmate’ Dean McDermott. How’s that one working out for her now?

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Dee November 12, 2012 at 5:36 pm

She’s really cool, we get along great and she hasn’t done anything wrong.

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Goodriddance February 16, 2014 at 12:42 am

The exact same words I heard from my ex about the OW!

I asked if he was attracted to her;
His reply, ‘Yeah she’s cool’
I asked to clarify what that means,
Him: ‘It means I think she’s cool, that’s all there is to it’.

Confronted him about his poor boundaries;
Him: ‘If I wanted to cheat on you, you wouldn’t even know about it’.

‘I believe love is about finding the right person at the right time and place. You’re the right person but maybe not at this time’ and ‘Fate will bring us together if we’re meant to be’

‘Every situation is unique, not everything is as it seems or are the same’ (him trying to rationalize his actions)

‘Your anger and accusations are something I don’t want to see in my future partner or wife’

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nicolette14 February 16, 2014 at 7:37 am

same here, “just a good friend”, “she was cool” oh that sentence, ” that’s all there is to it” that, he used to use it, when he was lying and when he wanted to shut the conversation down, like;
“I never touched her, that’s all there is to it.” he did.
” I am not talking about this anymore, that’s all there is to it” by the way we didn’t talk about anything, he was using gaslighting tactic.
“you are killing US with this, let it go” he wanted sweep everything under the rug without a word, ummmm no fucktard, your serial cheating, lying killed us.

anytime a men refers to a woman as in she is “cool” watch out! it means there is much more there than you know!

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ForgeOn! February 16, 2014 at 8:08 am

EWWWW…..Yuck…..the ‘let it go’ phrase. Ugly one, that……Seems to be universal, though…….

How about this one:

“THAT is NONE of your concern!!”

Oh, really? Those vows you said on our wedding day make everything you do MY CONCERN!

He would spit this ‘go-to’ phrase out of his mouth anytime I got too close to the truth or an issue that was uncomfortable for him. (Which was pretty much everything!)

Yet, just a few weeks back, (we were in the process of selling our family home of 22 years, so we had to talk) in justifying the lack of conversations on this or any other ‘couple’ or solution-seeking subject:

“Well, YOU just refused to talk about anything!!”

hmmmmm….WHO refused to talk about it? Delusional…..Interesting, but they are all that way. Plus, that is one of the things his bio-feedback sessions turned up about him…..he is delusional….but the sessions also revealed he is careless, disordered & other assorted negative things I already knew. Imagine that!!!! lol! (Interesting therapy, this biofeedback. VERY accurate in reading the messages from the body, emotions and subconscious.)

Forge on, friends……

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nicolette14 February 16, 2014 at 10:30 am

“THAT is NONE of your concern!!”

wow that’s a good one!! Well whatever you do now is “none of his concern!” and he can also go jump off a cliff! and then having the nerve to tell YOU “Well, YOU just refused to talk about anything!!” that right there, truly shows, what a gaslighting, disordered POS he really is! They are all delusional and sick in the head!

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ForgeOn! February 16, 2014 at 12:27 pm

Thanks n.14! Thought someone would get a chuckle from that one!!

Yeah, they do get pretty ‘nervy’ about certain things…..but, alas, about all the wrong things :(

(Disordered is right! A therapist diagnosed him, by proxy, as an NPD)

Forge on, friends……

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Patsy April 6, 2014 at 12:33 pm

I was told, ‘she is really nice’.

No idea what a huuuuuuuuge red flag that was going to be… I was oblivious.

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nicolette14 April 6, 2014 at 1:44 pm

Patsy,
here is another huge red flag. If you find he had/ have a good female friend/coworker or whatever, that he spoke to regularly, but you NEVER heard him mention her name to you ever because “he already fucked her” and by any chance if her name does ever come up, then he will say she is nice, she is/was cool, just a good friend…and you can take that to the bank!

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ww November 16, 2012 at 7:46 pm

I just had this doozy of an exchange with my STBX the other day:

She said: “It just wasn’t that kind of affair, it wasn’t serious.”

“Allow me to quote from your email answering the one about your boyfriend’s house hunt, with pictures” I said (the one I found on D-day): ” ‘Oh, love! It’s wonderful, it’s so close to your office that you’ll be able to come home for lunch, and in that huge kitchen I’ll be able to cook wonderful food for you.’ ”

“Oh,” she answered “I honestly don’t remember that, you have much better memory about my affair than I do.”

Seriously?

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tamara November 16, 2012 at 8:31 pm

Ha! I actually heard the ex on the phone with a prostitute. When everything finally came out years later and I asked him about it, again, he claimed not to remember it. THEN said “why do you always remember all the negative things?”

Yeah… they’re serious. And we’re seriously gone.

Glad to see you on the other side.

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Sam November 20, 2012 at 12:10 am

They never seem to remember
How convienant

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Lori L April 24, 2013 at 3:13 pm

When he would do that I would say that I forgot he had “selective memory”.

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GullibleMe October 15, 2013 at 11:02 pm

I am going to use that line, thanking you!

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J November 19, 2012 at 10:29 am

He said I was just “so stressed and overwhelmed, I was escaping”

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Plastered November 20, 2012 at 3:12 pm

“Why should I be depressed? I have two men in love with me.”

“I feel like Elizabeth Taylor, only without the money.”

“I think you would have been friends.”

“I thought you were stronger than this.” (referring to my breakdown)

“Everybody deserves to be happy.”

“I don’t have the same idea of commitment as you. Am I expected to be with the same person my whole life?”

“If I miss you more and more, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to make it right.”

“We could have sex one more time if it makes you feel better, but I would need to ask him.”

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GullibleMe October 15, 2013 at 11:05 pm

JESUS WEPT – these are just so horrendous. Gotta laugh at the gall though.

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Patsy April 6, 2014 at 12:35 pm

Plastered, that is just horrible. You do NOT deserve that.

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Cathy November 21, 2012 at 11:17 am

“It was not on my agenda to hurt you.”

When he told me that consideration for my feelings was not on his “agenda” I knew we were no longer on the same page. Time to exit that stage!

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Lori L April 24, 2013 at 3:14 pm

Oh how awful. I’m sorry to hear that.

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SoOverHim November 22, 2012 at 12:20 am

He joked, more than once:

“One of these days I’ll just have to trade you in for a couple of 25-year-olds!”

Well, guess what.

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Sam November 22, 2012 at 5:09 am

I was told that exact same comment.

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mickey January 13, 2013 at 8:48 am

So was i!!

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Toknowmeistoloveme December 24, 2013 at 7:31 am

Mine did… And just this year they BOTH left him for each other.

Take that asshat!

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Bede November 29, 2012 at 9:39 pm

“You know what? You are a loner…”

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Chump Lady November 30, 2012 at 6:41 am

Because the cheater left you alone! And then pins it on you? Mindfuck.

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Dejay November 16, 2013 at 4:44 am

Got that one from the stbxw as well…

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Sonnet November 30, 2012 at 4:59 pm

After pushing me through several haystacks of fuckedupness, dropping out of a “family” holiday at the last moment (£700 down the drain) and feigning a heart attack, he finally decided: “I want out.”

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TKM April 26, 2014 at 6:52 pm

My reject did Dday a few days before the family summer vacation too!!

After the reject left and our 14 year called him a looser and his GF a whore he didn’t contact our daughter for weeks. I personally have ceased all contact except tondo with lawyers. So at the first lawyer meeting while he is whining about how much he loves and misses his daughter I asked him why he hadn’t made any effort to contact her in many weeks. His response was “well, he had sent 1 email and she hadn’t emailed back. It was all her fault”. Of course his lawyer looks at him like what the fuck is wrong with you? I said to him in front of the lawyers ” you’re the adult here, not your 14 year old. She is a teenager who is pissed at your shitty and thoughtless decisions and your inability to act like a responsible parent. It is not her job to suck up to you, she didn’t do anything wrong. It is your job to act like a grown up for once in your life and understand she is both a teenager (not very interested in you anyway under normal circumstances) and pissed off because you have crapped all over her.”. My daughter cut off the kibble supply immediately and the pick me dance for about a month and then when she got sufficient evidence he was never going to pick her over the OW she dumped his sorry excuse as a father and never looked back. I wish I had has her insight and strength – it took me a good 6 months longer to get where she is.

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Sara8 December 2, 2012 at 7:57 am

During the initial false reconciliation my STBX told me the affair made him a better person.

I was speechless.

I guess since an affair involves lying and cheating and deceiving, that engaging in all those behaviors magically makes him or anyone a better person.

When I asked him how he would feel if I had an affair so that I could become a “better person”, he went berserk and started accusing me of already having had an affair.

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Cindy December 3, 2012 at 12:26 am

How about this? I think I submitted these earlier, but not sure where they went?

First one: Cheater: I did NOT tell her I love her. Me: Really? Because in the text I read she said ‘love you,’ and you said ‘you too.’ What did that mean? Cheater: I dunno.

Second one (upon me kicking his sorry ass out) – ‘Losing you is like losing 1,000,000 of my prized guitar.’

Gee thanks honey.

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Chump Lady December 3, 2012 at 12:52 am

People… things….things… people.

Geez!

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Peony55555 December 5, 2012 at 6:06 am

“how could I tell you, you’d just get hysterical! You can’t handle the truth, you have emotional issues”. Yeah, imagine that, I’d get emotional after my husband of 20 years discloses out of the blue (after the week prior telling me he I was everything to him and he’d never been happier). Crazy bitch I am!

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Nord February 24, 2013 at 5:01 pm

Yeah, we’re all crazy and psycho for freaking out when we find out that our one and only has been banging other people. Silly us for having emotions.

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Lori L April 24, 2013 at 3:15 pm

Oh how awful. I’m sorry to hear that.

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Lori L April 24, 2013 at 3:20 pm

I meant to post, I should have left at the beginning, since mine said something similar to this to me at the start. I was young and naive and didnt know hell I was getting into. When I heard, ” I didn’t tell you because I knew how upset you would get… You get too upset…you feel too much… ” I knew I was screwed.

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Chumped too August 30, 2013 at 12:17 am

Yep, heard that too…. I didn’t want to tell you because you’d get all emotional or upset…. live and learn :o(

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GullibleMe October 15, 2013 at 11:07 pm

“You make everything into a drama. ”

“You are just all emotions – me, me, I, I”

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MissFake July 22, 2014 at 6:07 am

Haha, all I wanted was the relief of him saying “I’m not satisfied and I want out.” I wasn’t going to grab his ankles. I said “Awesome, at last. Please, go.” And I went on vacation and had hot sex with someone else- which he called during, to ask whose plates were whose. I laughed and said, “Yours, don’t care,” which kissing my new man. Later when he brought up the phone call, he said “You were all upset and crying when I asked about the plates.” I called him out- WTF? I was drinking vodka and grinding on a strange dick, glad you were finally no longer making me miserable.

It’s like they think they’re doing us a FAVOR by hanging around our daily lives and while risking our venereal health! (And their memories get twisted, too.)

Scary there are so many of the same…

debdeb December 6, 2012 at 10:37 am

“I have been a wonderful husband to you, other than the affairs.” Which had been going on for 17 years of our 24 year marriage. I had no idea…

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Nord January 6, 2013 at 7:37 am

Hahaha…I got ‘why do you have to take a hammer to 20 good years and just destroy all the memories?’…this after I found out he’d been cheating for a minimum of 13 of those years. I apparently destroyed them all with feeling like they meant nothing.

Oh, and my all time favourite? ‘Maybe we could be together in five or ten years but right now I don’t see us as a couple’.

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wren January 10, 2013 at 8:35 am

I got this too. And then this week, he pointed to the fact that I didn’t know he was cheating on me with five other women (his affairs are conducted in the town where he works, a half hour from here, and overseas where he does research) as proof that I “wasn’t paying attention to him,” which, of course, justifies the cheating.

Cheater logic…

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Valentine April 26, 2013 at 9:55 am

I got the ‘I was a dutiful husband’ line…oh and the ‘she’s really a nice girl’…really? Yeah, because ‘dutiful’ husbands and ‘nice’ girls go off and screw all the time…Gimme a break.

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Gio April 8, 2014 at 11:12 pm

Hahaha~~You know what mine said after I caught him sneaking off to the Econo Lodge with Skank Woman? “We can make this marriage work!”
Bawhahahahh~~~!!

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MissFake July 22, 2014 at 6:10 am

oh, boy. I got the “But there were times when it was so good,” (he was always cheating from day 1.) Oh, you mean when I started faking it because you’d rape me til you believed you were a man and won your orgasm merit badge? Orgasms take trust to happen with a lot of us, and that mf was all shadiness and lies.

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Mandy December 11, 2012 at 10:20 pm

“We’re just good friends.” (Always a bad sign, but I didn’t know that at the time.)
“I was just trying to help her with some personal problems she was going through.” (She was going through marriage problems, probably because she was cheating on her husband with mine.)
“All we did was talk.” (For about ten minutes before they jumped into bed.)
“We never had sex.” (They did, of course.)
“I had some feelings for her, but it didn’t last very long.” (Two years.)

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GullibleMe October 15, 2013 at 8:46 pm

“Let’s do something to hep a friend. She is going to try to save up for a deposit for a flat. I will subdivide my shed [where he keeps his beer fridge and computer games, ie where he sits and talks to her for hours on phone] and make a room [so she can move in]. It wil be so good for our family – our kids are like siblings.”

This is him sitting on our bed late at night (woke me up to “have a talk”), holding my hand, saying let him be the husband who makes the decisions for our fmaily.

And he was in the middle of affair with her.

I can’t remember if it was before or after he had convinced me that his SMSs to her “I love you” and “sexybum” were just him teasing a friend.

After which, he put a lock on his phone so I did not see any more.

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HopiumAddict February 11, 2014 at 10:39 pm

Oh Mandy, we may be soul mates… or maybe married to the same guy at least… That’s how my xh and the ow (my very good friend) got together, talking about how screwed up their mutual spouses are… Their horrible marriages made better by fucking their best friends spouses… yep that worked, everything is all better now and life is perfect… HA!!

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Ruff December 28, 2012 at 7:02 am

” Didn’t you just ever want to go out and fuck someone”

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Ruff December 28, 2012 at 7:03 am

” if you met him i think you guys would be good friends..he’s a really nice guy”

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Chump Lady December 28, 2012 at 7:25 am

Welcome Ruff — OMG that one is SO COMMON!

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Ruff December 28, 2012 at 8:43 am

Ya married 12 years 2 kids , helped put her through school to get her PhD…just realized that I’m a nice guy. ( the book no more Mr nice guy helped me fix that issue ) A year after D-day still together but i think i’m finally coming out of the fog.

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Chump Lady December 28, 2012 at 8:48 am

Don’t stop being a nice guy, Ruff! Just find someone who values nice and is nice herself. Problem solved.

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Ruff December 28, 2012 at 9:17 am

sounds like you’re not a fan of reconciling.

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Chump Lady December 28, 2012 at 9:21 am

Well, the motto here is leave a cheater, gain a life. It’s not that I’m not a “fan,” it’s that I’ve seen very few convincing cases of it. Don’t know the details in your story, but it sucks to be the marriage police and do the mental gymnastics required to get past the affair. Also, I’ve not seen a lot of cheaters who can sustain the hard work at rebuilding and giving up ego kibbles. Read around here, my views on it are pretty spelled out. Good luck to you. The whole limbo thing sucks hugely.

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Dawn December 30, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Some nice ones I’ve received after finding out STBX cheated for 10 years with prostitutes:

* “I didn’t know prostitution was illegal!”

* “It was only one time, and I felt so bad about, I never did it again.”

* “I thought it was okay if you never found out.”

* “Once you found out, it was like a light switch turning off, and now I never want to do it again!”

Pfffffffft. :P

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tamara December 30, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Hi Dawn~

Went through the same thing. Did you hear “it was just a prostitute. It didn’t mean anything”? I think that was my favorite.

We are so much better off.

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Dawn December 30, 2012 at 6:21 pm

Hi Tamara,

Yes, I did get a version of that, in the form of “It was just sex!”. Except that I found out later he sometimes spent the $400 a pop just taking his favorite hookers out to dinner (no sex involved). He was also sexting them all day long, around 1500 texts a month to his favorites.

Glad you found out. Here’s to happier new years sans perverts!

~Dawn

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GreenGirl January 27, 2013 at 4:07 pm

He didn’t know prostitution was illegal? I knew that well before I was legal. I sincerely hope you just stared at him blankly after hearing that so he could listen to what he just said.

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Funnythatway December 31, 2012 at 10:58 pm

testimonial: anything I’ve read that f*uckees think was stupid, crazy,foolish,etc. I can probably match or better, did longer, more often, played with higher stakes,there’s a book I want to read,”The Addicted Brain”,Michel Kuhar,it sounds like I might relate, being f*ucked must be a sick need to prove insistently how terrible I am..naturally all the f*ckers have impressed that upon me endlessly, so I believed it. This ‘technique’ is grammar school stuff for the f*ckers and is the chief ingredient when they bake their cake. I told my last one “hmm,’holy matrimony’, the only things ‘holy’ in yours are the holes in her head and the one in your A**”..not to mention the one in my head…

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Media_Girl24 January 1, 2013 at 8:44 pm

During my fog of going all-out to try to save my marriage, which included an early morning episode of me doing my wifely duty on my knees (to completion for him), I was told that I had “manipulated him” into this situation because he was “half-asleep” when it occured.

I think he was actually feeling a bit guilty… to the other woman! Funny, he was cheating on her with me.. his wife!

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Susan January 31, 2014 at 2:25 pm

Mine did the same thing… He actually said “I don’t know if I should do this because you’ll tell OW!” To which I responded, “of course not” but did anyway!! Cheats on his gf with his wife of 30 years… Really?? You can’t make this stuff up!

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melanie January 2, 2013 at 7:14 am

My FAVORITE:
“I didn’t do it to ruin our marriage”

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Patsy April 6, 2014 at 12:45 pm

‘I wasn’t looking to replace you’.

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threwhimout2 April 17, 2014 at 1:06 pm

but you did

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melanie January 2, 2013 at 7:17 am

OOh – another one:
“Staying married makes me feel secure – I don’t want a divorce ”
That was after he was out of the house for 6 months.
Still no divorce progress a year later…
“I’m in no hurry”

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melanie January 2, 2013 at 7:19 am

He posted on FB
“I’m with my true love of 36 years”…
Those years include an 18 year marriage to his SECOND wife and 17 with me – his THIRD.
Duh for me!

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Hurt1 January 3, 2013 at 5:08 pm

Oh, here’s another:

“You’re still pretty to me but I’m no longer sexually attracted to you.” Asshat!

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Melancholia8 October 31, 2013 at 10:49 pm

I hear you. That one I don’t get.

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Suzanne November 19, 2013 at 1:07 pm

I got that too! And also…
“I love you but I’m not IN LOVE with you.”
“I think we need a trial separation. I don’t want to waste any more of your time.” (after 16 years of marriage.)
“Yes, I saw her socially. But there is no commingling.” (ugh. What is this, CSI?)
“Wouldn’t YOU like to meet someone more compatible?” This was the opening salvo, actually. came out of the blue when I was getting the grocery list together.

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r louise January 4, 2013 at 6:39 am

“When you sister was diagnosed with terminal cancer, I realized that life is too short and I don’t want to spend the rest of mine unhappy.”

I am not making this up.

This qualifies as the WORST thing anyone has ever said to me. And it was said by a person who supposedly loved me.

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Ruff January 5, 2013 at 11:27 am

” why do you want to be with someone that’s so mean to you”
” maybe you will find someone that is nice to you”
“Sex with us was great, sex with him was amazing..I didn’t know size made a difference”
” when he wrapped his arms around me my whole body tingled”
” I cant guarantee this wont happen again”
“I can’t help what my body was telling me to”

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threwhimout2 April 17, 2014 at 1:09 pm

wow…did you find your balls after line 3? hugs Ruff because your wife is an asshole

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Wife #1 January 5, 2013 at 2:16 pm

Him: “I going to leave you for her because you only had 3 children with me”

Me: “How many children did you want to abandon when you left since 3 wasn’t enough to keep you here?”

Others:

She is good at her job (like Im not?)
Her fiance cheated on her (and that affects my life how?)
She eats vegetables for breakfast (pass the muffins and sugar bombs, Im NEVER going to do that)

Oddly enough we reconciled and had a good life for 5 years before he dropped dead. I would still like to punch that stupid OW in the face.

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flaca February 4, 2013 at 2:48 pm

OMG best post ever. Thanks for the laugh, I needed it!

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threwhimout2 April 17, 2014 at 1:11 pm

LOL thanks for the laugh …”pass the muffins and sugar bombs, I’m NEVER going to do that.”

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Janet January 6, 2013 at 7:07 pm

She’s just a friend. Can’t I have a friend?

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Kara February 22, 2013 at 4:01 pm

OMG I heard that SO MUCH from my ex. “Can’t I have a friend?” Turned into “You just don’t want me to have friends.”

No, I don’t want you sticking your dick in another woman when you’re in a relationship with me.

Good riddance.

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Katie March 28, 2013 at 12:46 pm

Oh wow… My husband just said the same thing to me… He has problems with trying to cheat with women on Craigslist. I don’t really police what he does because it’s not worth my time. Well, I found out that he’s been meeting a “friend” for lunch and lying to me about it. He also texts her at all hours of the day and night. When I told him I wasn’t comfortable with him seeing her alone, he accused me of trying to keep him from having friends. I don’t freaking care if he goes to a bar with a mixed group of people, but I don’t want him to have friends. Whatever.

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GullibleMe October 15, 2013 at 8:53 pm

Identical experience.

And after I protested that it is inappropriate for a single woman to be texting him not me to organise playdates between our kids, and inappropriate for her to be playing pool with him til 3 o’clock in the morning then sleeping over at our place “because she is too drunk to drive home”:

[and after I questioned why did she need to be at our house to help bake her son's brithday cake (why is my husband making it anyway?)]

“You won’t allow me to have ONE friend!”

“The least she can do is help make the cake since I am doing her a favour!”
[while her 7 year old kid is at home the night before his birthday, with an older sibling - his mother did not even go home that night]

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Melancholia8 October 31, 2013 at 10:55 pm

I heard this one too. Actually still hearing it. I’m separated, but he keeps on telling me that all these lunches with him and single women are because he wants to have friends… And guys don’t cut it. It’s weird apparently to have guy friends if you’re a man! He says he really doesn’t get it, though everyone else I’ve checked it with says its bullshit.

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RJ January 10, 2013 at 3:06 pm

My cheater wife regarding the “changes” she’s made, post D-Day:

“I was messed up back then, but now you have a better wife!”

Uh, what?

Ok, by that twisted logic, the way to marital self-improvement apparently involves lots of hot monkey sex in a hotel room with some guy you met on an online poker site.

Sounds like what she’s really saying is, “I couldn’t figure out how to fix myself until I screwed some other guy’s brains out. Thanks to him, now I know how to be Super Wife! Aren’t you happy now?”

Geez, imagine if everyone who was experiencing marriage issues just followed that logic, we’d all be better husbands and better wives and divorce lawyers would become an extinct species!

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Nat1 April 6, 2013 at 2:55 am

Oh geez. Sorry! This is the first post o make me react. On line poker? What a star!

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MissFake July 22, 2014 at 6:16 am

Online poker is up there where mine met his: firearms enthusiast and survivalism message boards. Any female who responded in the slightest to his online Billy Badass persona got serviced by him.

And he’d dare me to talk to them, like if I did I was jealous, if I didn’t, he won. Eventually, I talked to one. Boom, outed. Nice game to play on someone you trust.

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AC January 10, 2013 at 8:20 pm

Him: “My feelings have changed.”
Me: “Since when?”
Him: “I don’t know. For a long time now.”
Me: “Is there someone else?”
Him: (a quick) “NO.”
(Followed by trickling of evidence of a long term affair)

After he moved out and said he wanted a divorce:
“Despite the tough times with you, the kids, and my family, overall I’m happy.”

“We have so much in common. We’re both passionate about surgery.” (While I sacrificed my own career and stayed home to raise our kids so he can concentrate on his “work”, ie. helping out his medical student/surgical resident, living a double life with her, etc.).

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anna January 12, 2013 at 10:37 pm

i have a 16 year old girl with attitude and not one to back down. here’s her version of shit cheaters say.
x to daughter: we are seperating, we have grown apart. we’ve become like brother and sister, bla bla bla..
daughter’s response: and you stuck your dick into someone else so don’t go there.

x to daughter after i kicked him out and she moved into his old room ( best in the house): why did you move into my room?
daughter: i asked mom and she said it was okay.
x: when i move back in a year what will you do then. you will have to move back to your old room.
daughter: not fucking likely.

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MM Burned May 13, 2013 at 9:39 am

Re-reading… I love your daughter’s comment. Makes me smile every time.
Out of the mouths of babes!

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TKM April 26, 2014 at 7:16 pm

So good to read about other kids standing up to these jerks like my daughter. I think these losers pull the same shit with their kids as they did with their chump spouses. They want the kids to do the pick me dance and continue to feed them lots of kibble. Bravo to those kids old enough to be able to see them for who they truly are and to stand up to them because it must take a very brave kid to stand up to a parent and say you’re a lying cheating piece of shit and I reject you.

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Sammie D May 14, 2014 at 6:55 pm

Thank you for sharing your daughters view.
I have only recently found this sight and am loving the honesty. What is is with people my X (separated 6 months ago after his confession of multiple partners over the last eight years) treats our 15 year old son like he is 4. My X used a gluten intolorane in or son to deflect taking responsibility for his action. Blaming sons pissed off attitude towards him as the result of something he ate.

And he wonders why our son doesn’t like him.

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Baci January 13, 2013 at 1:33 am

“What is love?”
“What is happiness?”

“All i want to do is lay in bed beside you and cry”

“Hes not important. You are.”

Truely hope its fixable

I value true unconditional freindships

and the one that I many times from other BS said by their cheating spouses

“I STILL LOVE YOU!” WTF does that mean?

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Allie January 13, 2013 at 7:18 am

“You’re intellectually intimidating” (this was after a 30 year marriage where he told me he loved me because I was smart) and “I did not have an affair. I had loving feelings for her when we had lunch together everyday.”
He also told me “Tell (son) to talk to one of his friends. I’m sure he has friends whose parents are divorced. It’s not a big thing.”

Son – “I have no time for him. He’s morally bankrupt.”

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MissFake July 22, 2014 at 6:20 am

They do that! Resent you for the things that attracted them.

Cheater in the Beginning: “You need to grow up and stop partying. I can’t abide by women who drink AT ALL” (he cheated on patrons and employees of the bar he worked at)

Cheater After: “The woman I loved was wild, now you’re just a boring homebody.”

NEVER BECOME ANYTHING FOR ANYONE. Over the past ten years, there are several guys I now think “What the hell was I so impressed by?” Losers.

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Janet January 13, 2013 at 12:05 pm

When I made a comment about the character of my husband’s facebookfuck “How could she get involved with a married man?” His comment”Oh she feels terrible but this was just bigger than both of us””

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Nord February 24, 2013 at 5:23 pm

Yes, STBX also told me how ‘terrible’ the final OW felt about things and it was ‘really hard on her, knowing that the kids would be hurt’. What a girl, eh? No wonder he liked fucking her. She was all heart.

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Jen December 29, 2013 at 11:57 pm

Ohhhh yes, she is REALLY concerned about my kids she doesn’t even know ! And she and I have SO much in common we would probably really like each other and be friends.

What do we have in common besides we have both seem your dick?

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TKM April 26, 2014 at 7:18 pm

My jerk said the same thing – OW feels soooooooo bad! But not bad enough to stop fucking you.

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Nat1 April 6, 2013 at 2:59 am

Or…sometimes these things just happen!!!! Cos i hunted her down stuck in my claws purued her until she gave in….

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Susan January 31, 2014 at 2:32 pm

I sent the OW a letter asking her to stay away from him and what had been a good 30 year marriage. When he returned from a week away with her I asked him what was her response to my letter, and he answered “she felt like the OW!” If the shoe fits…

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Patsy April 6, 2014 at 12:49 pm

‘Don’t blame her. She always said she shouldn’t be doing this, she kept breaking up’.

Thanks for letting me know who did the persueing.

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Debbie January 13, 2013 at 12:26 pm

My STBX started his current affair 2 months after my father died…he said almost those same things to me. I couldn’t/wouldn’t listen…I’m negative=wonder why? He spoke to one of his best divorced lawyer buddies and all 4 of his kids are great. He and his mistress (divorced 3 times with 3 kids and 12 years younger} have much to say about me manupilating my kids and poisioning them against him. They will accept it when I do…sounds like the 12th of never.

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Baci January 13, 2013 at 1:09 pm

How can you be divorced three times with three kids. There is something seriously wrong there. What about the kids. It’s a crime. Can’t your ex see that!!??

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Nord February 24, 2013 at 5:26 pm

Yes, I get accused of ‘poisoning the kids’, which is beyond hilarious since I*m the one who assures them that their dad loves them while he treats them like shit when they don’t go along with his new life.

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TKM April 26, 2014 at 7:21 pm

Dear Nord,
Exact same situation for me!! It’s all my fault the kid thinks he’s morally bankrupt. I just can’t get over how the story is basically the same for all of us chumps,
from what they say to how they treat the kids.

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pearl January 14, 2013 at 8:52 pm

“maybe we would be happier with other people” (yes, he had already found the other person he was happier with}

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Maggie January 16, 2013 at 10:23 am

Stupid shit cheaters say… ” the dog loves you MORE than me…

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Janet January 16, 2013 at 6:14 pm

Dog probably does love you more. Dogs aren’t stupid

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Maggie February 4, 2013 at 1:04 pm

you’re Right! Dog and ex-wife are much happier.
Other stupid comment…we need to work on building our excellent friendship, because we are best friends and I will always love you, but I deserve the passion which is true love with the OW. So grow up and stop being so angry its not like I meant this to happen.

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TKM April 26, 2014 at 7:23 pm

OMG Maggie – I got the exact
same line!!!!!

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Nat1 April 6, 2013 at 3:01 am

You and the kids are a little team and i feel all left out!

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Really January 25, 2013 at 1:42 pm

“Why can’t I have both?”

“I can’t walk away – I’m in too deep.”

Really?

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Really January 27, 2013 at 6:13 pm

“Why can’t I have both? – STBX “asking” if he could have both a wife and a mistress.

“I can’t walk away – I’m in too deep” – OW to me. So the marriage, kids, shared history, etc., isn’t deep, but YOUR AFFAIR WITH A MARRIED MAN is?

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Toni January 28, 2013 at 1:59 pm

Sex means absolutely nothing to me…it never has

Him: I know who sent you the anonymous letter at work about ____________
Me: Your’e having sex with her TOO?!
Him: No not now, she was a while ago, when we were first together…

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Paul January 31, 2013 at 12:29 pm

My 2.5 yrs sponsored wife Maria di Fonzo had an affair with Ernesteo Fernandez (from Dieste Advertising, TX), the co-worker she was supposed to supervise during a business trip to Dallas. Right after Vicki Smith, Nissan Director of Phylanthrophy raised from the dinner table Maria called Ernesto Fernandez to take her to the hotel for sex.
When I told Maria between the first night of the affair and the second of adultery that I thought she was sleeping with Mr. Fernandez Cobela, Maria di Fonzo replied: “How you dare to say such thing without proof” … “Because of your overactive imagination, I am going to divorce you as soon as I arrive back to Nashville” … “And don’t call me no more tonight, I ‘ll be busy”

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Arnold January 31, 2013 at 1:38 pm

I love the specifics, Paul. Sorry for what your wife has done.

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Arnold January 31, 2013 at 4:17 pm

Yikes, Paul. Saw her pic on meetupnashville. She is a dog and has dead eyes.

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Angie February 5, 2013 at 1:14 pm

When I asked why, after the 2 years of hell we just came through and were (I thought) back on track, did he start things up with his ho-worker yet again.

His response “I guess I had too long of a winter break from school”. He works and goes to school full-time, but apparently having time off from school gave him too much free time.

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Kat February 6, 2013 at 3:34 am

New here. Thanks for the laughs.

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moda February 11, 2013 at 9:21 pm

Him: I was just trying to talk her into going back to her ex-husband.
Me: Do you know her ex?
Him: No, I’ve never met him.
She’s just a really good friend.
She’s nothing but a crack whore / coke whore, whatever.
Yeah, I bought her a Christmas present. So?
I never touched that woman. (The physical evidence says otherwise)
I suppose I never did nothing good for you, right? Is that what you’re saying?

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Scott February 18, 2013 at 11:32 pm

Her telling me why she needs her “friend” in her life …

Her: “You two are just exact opposites of each other.”

Me (after a slight pause): “Do you consider me to be a man of integrity?”

Her: “Integrity? Yes, I do.”

Me: “So we are exact opposites of each other, huh?”

Her: “Yeah.”

Me: “I see.”

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Laurel February 21, 2013 at 10:37 pm

here are some of the gems that I’ve been subjected to.

him: “a man has to be a bridge.”

wtf??? what the fuck are you talking about? your cock is a bridge? what does that make me? the suez canal?

him: “we don’t have chemistry.”

no. YOU don’t have chemistry.

our older son when asked how he saw his parents: “you guys have immense chemistry”

him: “I didn’t feel adored.”

try being adorable. try not looking at me like I’m an insect when you take me out to dinner (once every six months) try getting a JOB? try not whining about me running the dishwasher before midnight, because the rates go down after midnight. (yes, I’m serious)

“but Laurel, I’m not a bad person!”

right. you’re a good person, with no morals, no shame, no sense of right or wrong, entitled. smug. arrogant. AND you’re a selfish pig. but otherwise, you’re a wonderful man.

fuck buddy in an email to him: (he had told me that there was nothing on his computer that I could not read. it was left open by “accident”—yet again)

“I’m sorry that things have been so difficult for you. [that bitch wife of yours is on to us, huh?] You have borne ALL of the culpability for our 5+ years of conspiracy-to-commit-adultery, and that you find yourself in such a difficult position now is something that makes me squirm with guilt and remorse. As ever. ~ with fingers in wet places. that will not change irregardless.”

me: tell me the truth. What is on those SEVEN EXTERNAL HARD DRIVES???

him: “I’m a geek. you wouldn’t understand geeks.” “I get them for free from work.” “the boys’ music is on them.” [ and enough disk space to power NORAD!] “I’m working for the CIA”

YES, THAT IS WHAT HE SAID.

him: “well yes, we had sex but she’s really big (and homely) and let me tell you, it wasn’t easy.”

wife is a ballet dancer.

him: “it has nothing to do with how you look.”

no, it has everything to do with the bullshit she’s spewing out. let HER deal with our autistic son. sexy ain’t it?

him: (after telling me months later that he had NO CONTACT with five year fuck buddy with lupus and me finding her name in his address book).

“But Laurel, she’s dying.”

me: who fucking cares? the point is that you said that you weren’t in contact with her. THAT IS THE POINT!

telling the truth is so difficult, isn’t it?

him: “I didn’t ‘love’ any of them. I liked them, but I didn’t love them. The only woman I ever loved was you… you were the only one who gave me butterflies.”

the one he doesn’t have chemistry with.

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Kelly April 8, 2013 at 10:32 am

OMG Laurel, just read this, and I am sitting here laughing out loud. Hard to pick a favorite. It may be “A man has to be a bridge…” –why do they ramble incoherently?? But then again, the explanations for the 7 hard drives, including his work for the CIA, is pretty amusing too.

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jewells August 13, 2013 at 7:23 pm

I also got the “She’s a nice person actually” after his first broken nose, fat lip and my furnishings destroyed by her. But me? The faithful loving non-violent wife? Why, I am just the biggest bitch on the planet. (He just got it re-broken by her and thought I would care)

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Kelly April 8, 2013 at 10:43 am

After catching him a year ago having affair with a co-worker for 17 years of our 25 year marriage (at times group sex with her best friend as well) and leaving me with claims he was going to marry her; and after realizing he had these co-workers stay in our home as friends and guests on their “business” trips over the years, so that they could have “cake” — and I guess a really really sick laugh– literally under the noses of me and my children while we slept–

HIM: “She’s really a good person.”
ME: “Ummmm….Exactly what would qualify as ‘bad’ then? Would she have to stab us in our sleep while screaming obscenities and kicking the puppy?”

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nwrain February 23, 2013 at 2:28 pm

These are choice!
I’ll add a few of mine.

At one point I asked him how he got started using prostitutes. He said he met a guy on a plane, who happened to be really handsome (Oh, so does that make it less sleazy if a handsome guy fucks whores?) who used prostitutes because it kept it just about sex and then he didn’t become emotionally involved with them.

Later told me he couldn’t just have sex with anyone, of course–there had to be some sort of attraction and connection. Really? How much does a 65 year old Ivy League educated man with a doctorate have in common with twenty-something poor Hong Kong whore/mistress?

He was actually HELPING whores from Thailand because they came from very poor villages and were able to send money back to their families. Some of the Bulgarian ones were actually working their way through university. Ha! I guess he liked the idea that he was still attractive enough to be fucking college coeds. Is that a basketball under your button down Brooks Brother shirt or a gut. It’s hard to tell the difference.

He once said prostitution had been around for ever and 50% of people cheat on their spouses. (So if half of people lie/cheat and steal, it makes it okay?)

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emarsh November 19, 2013 at 8:21 am

Interesting math… if half the married people cheat, the other half must be their faithful spouses. LOL!

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Kara February 23, 2013 at 6:45 pm

“He’s helping them?” XD Sure, if he WASN’T cheating on anyone.

I love it when cheaters who do it with prostitutes act like it’s because they’re super hot still. Uh, hate to break it to them, but it’s not because they’re hot. It’s because they paid for it. They can tell themselves that the hookers were attracted to them all they want, but it really just comes down to they paid for it.

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nwrain February 23, 2013 at 10:21 pm

Exactly, Kara! I found one of his mistresses on Facebook and sent her a message appealing to sisterhood (I know, pathetic. It was still the “pick me” stage. I asked her why my husband was sending her thousands of dollars. She said, “Why not?” Bitch.)
He told me to stop sending messages to his friend. Gawd. It’s almost funny now. I guess that’s a good, huh?!

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Kara February 24, 2013 at 7:46 pm

“Why Not?” Wow…the entitlement, it’s staggering.

To his “friend?” Sounds like one of my exes. He didn’t want me talking to his online “friends.” Probably because they were either sending him porn or cheating with him.

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Carol March 5, 2013 at 9:25 pm

When I told my now ex-husband that I felt he was cheating with a particular co-worker (he was), he said, “I would never cheat with her; she’s too Catholic.”

Two things….First, I’m Catholic. WTF? Second, there’s no other reason he wouldn’t be cheating with her? Like, he loves me and promised to be faithful?

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Goldie March 6, 2013 at 6:26 pm

My husband hid a three year affair that included an apartment and fiancé. He says he doesn’t want a divorce. I told him that he left me when he got that apartment and he divorced me in his heart when he put a ring on her finger.

His response: “Wait a minute, I just want you to know that her ring was nothing like yours. Yours is much nicer.”

Ummm, thanks?

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Jennifer V-B March 15, 2013 at 1:40 am

How about “I needed to explore the boundaries of our relationship”?

ORLY?! Guess he found them.

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Kara March 16, 2013 at 8:50 pm

He could have just asked how far they were. -_-

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Sid March 15, 2013 at 10:12 pm

“If this had happened to me, I would’ve viewed it as a wake up call” my ex-wife is a classy lady

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violet March 21, 2013 at 7:48 pm

I liked having my bread buttered on both sides.

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violet March 21, 2013 at 7:51 pm

She makes me feel like a god.

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fallulah_g March 23, 2013 at 3:23 pm

Your cat died.

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Yoder March 23, 2013 at 11:17 pm

I have not enjoyed reading such tragic drama in my life. I am amazed at the trite way cheaters respond, as if they never expected to be confronted. I thank you all tremendously for sharing these tid bits. It has been a long time since I have really laughed. Bless you all and may we all reach the beyond wiser and with a sense of humor.

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domesticblister March 25, 2013 at 6:54 pm

“She’s a really good mother. It’s made her very mature for her age.”

This about a woman who was simultaneously handing over her parental rights to her estranged husband AND claiming that he was a dangerous drug addict.

“It’s just not like love is supposed to be. There’s a reason it’s always the same way in movies.”

Referring to why our marriage wasn’t thrilling enough to keep him from cheating.

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buriedalive March 31, 2013 at 11:41 am

How about ‘ I wanted to pay her back for all the crappy shit she did to me when we were together.’ (she was XGF) Also got ‘I didn’t think phone sex (for YEARS) was cheating.” (also another AP)

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Janet March 29, 2013 at 4:16 pm

Katie I just posted a comment about your letter. Yes, I know exactly what you are saying.

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Cathy April 8, 2013 at 8:35 am

Him: I don’t think I’d care if you wanted to fool around with someone else.

Him: Don’t you ever just look at a coworker and picture them naked? Me: um, no.

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Kara April 8, 2013 at 6:28 pm

Isn’t it weird how cheaters all seem to think that everyone thinks the way they do and are genuinely shocked when it is not so?

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tamara April 8, 2013 at 7:01 pm

My cheater was sure that my first husband had cheated on me, too. He hadn’t. But the cheater was convinced that everyone did it, and I was just too much of a chump to have known about it. It was like somehow if my first husband had in fact cheated, he would have somehow been less of a dickhead for doing it…

I gave up trying to figure it out a long time ago… now I just shake my head and say “wow, that’s fucked up.”

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moda January 11, 2014 at 9:53 pm

I found out at the end of our relationship that my most recent ex was convinced I knew all along that my previous ex was cheating on me and that I had simply turned a blind eye. He was trying to accuse me and members of my family of cheating. Then he said, “Don’t try to tell me you didn’t know [previous ex] was foolin’ around.” When I suddenly realized the implications – that he thought I was the kind of woman who would tolerate cheating and just look the other way – I was even more pissed than I had been. Maybe because his mother had been that type of woman, I don’t know. Now, mind you, he was still lyin’ and denyin’ about his own cheating. But that statement was as good as a confession, in my mind. I was already packing my things at that point.

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Kelly April 8, 2013 at 10:45 am

After catching him a year ago having affair with a co-worker for 17 years of our 25 year marriage (at times group sex with her best friend as well) and leaving me with claims he was going to marry her; and after realizing he had these co-workers stay in our home as friends and guests on their “business” trips over the years, so that they could have “cake” — and I guess a really really sick laugh– literally under the noses of me and my children while we slept–

HIM: “She’s really a good person.”
ME: “Ummmm….Exactly what would qualify as ‘bad’ then? Would she have to stab us in our sleep while screaming obscenities and kicking the puppy?”

REPLY

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Michelle April 8, 2013 at 2:18 pm

Mine had sex with hundreds of other men during our 20 year marriage, then at the end of marriage was having affairs with two women at the same time, orgies, threesomes, running naked in public parks, sending pictures of his genitals to women, probably a lot more I don’t know about.

Some of his excuses:
I was helping her work on her marriage.
You didn’t want to play board games enough.
I have some good memories of our marriage, but now it’s just a business deal that’s ended.
I just don’t feel enough passion for you.
I only married you because I knew you would be a good mother and take care of the house and would never leave me.
I’m not gay.
I need a woman who is an extension of me.
I need a lot of zest and excitement in my life, and if only you would give me that, I could give you your heart’s desire.

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Kelly April 8, 2013 at 2:26 pm

Really they’re all priceless lines, but board games????

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Sharon April 8, 2013 at 6:50 pm

My x is 58 I’m 60 we never married too bad because he left me for a stripper and a 30 year old, (We were together for 17 years.) and who ever else he can get his hands on. He only sends texts, never phones, describing the food he eats, including photos, views from his cool airb&b apartments, the bars he loves, and long drunken texts about the beautiful women who love him including photos of them in sexy poses all the while saying how much he loves me forever and never will break up with me, “that’s up to me”. And he says I’m must be a “F-ing moron”, if I can’t understand what he’s going through. So glad I found you site so that I can crawl out of my mind numbing depression and fight back. Oh and he says strip clubs are cool everyone is talking about them. No one I know is talking about them. Now they’re his favorite hang out especially since he is recently so successful in business that he has tons of cash to throw around.

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Gin April 10, 2013 at 7:32 pm

A few choice quotes from my husband of 23 years. “If you think taking a girl to the pub a few times and to the zoo is having an affair? well….” (The girl was 24, he`s 48)
“I never snogged her”
“That 1st row we had in 1986. I would have left it there but you pursued me”
“I tried to commit suicide because of you”
“I`m a different person now” (no shit sherlock!!!)
“I grew up at 48 years old”
“I hope you can move on and we can be friends”

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Yoder April 10, 2013 at 7:40 pm

How trite.

Tonight: Me: Why didn’t you tell me you weren’t happy?
him: You didn’t ask.

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Sharon April 10, 2013 at 8:50 pm

Him: I know it drives you mad that I’m exploring relationships with other women and that I have romantic encounters but really, you probably thought it was much more serious than having a little oral sex so I thought you would be relieved to hear that’s all that happened. ( this was part of a very long text, as he’s moved out, after 17 years)

I stopped responding to his texts after 6 weeks of constant texting back and forth because it was making me crazy and depressed beyond belief.
We’re not married but yesterday I saw a lawyer and he is being served.

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tamara April 10, 2013 at 8:58 pm

yeah… I got that too.

Me: …. the woman you were sleeping with.
Him: I didn’t sleep with her.
Me: Ok, had sex with.
Him: we didn’t have sex.
Me: Ok, the whore that sucked your ****.
Him: you don’t have to be so graphic.

Congratulations on the lawyer. You’re doing the right thing.

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Yoder April 11, 2013 at 10:51 am

tamara, this sounds so Clintonesque. Bill and Monica.
Bill: I did NOT have sexual relations with that woman.

His preference of course, was a cigar.

In h’s shrink’s office, he would not admit he f&*@%d ow. I had to drag it out of him, step by step. I said, “can I ask the questions?” The shrink said, “If h agrees, I think it would be fine.” So, I said, “Did you go to her motel room?

h: One time.
ME: Did you take your clothes off?
h: Not the first time.

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Tamara April 14, 2013 at 12:13 pm

hah!

I got…

Him: I only actually had sex with a prostitute one time.
Me: Geez… did you at least wear a condom?
Him: Oh, always.

They’re just not very bright at times, are they.

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Kara April 14, 2013 at 4:10 pm

Oo! That just reminded me. How about this one?

Me: I know about Tiff and Donna.
Him:….I don’t know who Tiff is.

No, no they are not very bright at all.

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Yoder April 14, 2013 at 5:03 pm

I just can’t get over how easily they duped us, but then have absolutely no intelligent way to respond when they are caught.

Tamara and Kara, these are just classic responses. There has to be a book out of all of this.

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ForgeOn! February 3, 2014 at 8:09 pm

There is a book. It is called “The Script”.

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nicolette14 February 3, 2014 at 8:14 pm

Yes, I read that book. Its a must read book!

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Kara April 14, 2013 at 9:36 pm

I know right? The mind boggles.

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Valentine April 15, 2013 at 2:26 pm

I got: ‘I didn’t like the way you put eyeliner on’…yeah, because the chick you were schlepping looked like a hooker.

“You didn’t love me the way I wanted to be loved” WTF?

“I will ALWAYS love you”….LOL!

Wow…some of these are absolute gems.

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Kay H April 16, 2013 at 8:26 pm

My dog ate my husband’s hat and he said I didn’t give him enough sympathy and that’s when ‘he realized that I didn’t understand what was important to him’ so he went online and found a girlfriend. http://dowehavetotellthekids.blogspot.com/2013/04/the-hat-story.html

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Salome April 17, 2013 at 6:18 pm

After I found out about the YEARS of serial cheating and lies by looking at his email account which he accidently left unsecured one day on our joint computer – and finding TONS of explict messages back and forth to MANY different women, complimenting them on their bodies and the sex (my favorite – sometimes confusing them and having to apologize that, no baby, you are my only one, I swear!!)

I confronted him and he said…

“You should not have been snooping around at my emails then you would not have gotten upset” !!!!!

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Kara April 20, 2013 at 4:24 am

Translation:

“If you hadn’t seen my secret e-mails, I wouldn’t have gotten caught!”

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GullibleMe October 15, 2013 at 9:05 pm

Him: You snooped in my phone! THAT’s why I had to put a lock on it!

Me: I snooped for a good reasons – I was NOT crazy, I was right about my suspicions.

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Jen January 4, 2014 at 10:15 pm

If you weren’t such a nosy bitch none of this would have ever happened. (After I confirmed his affair by checking our joint cell phone records)

You would probably be friends with Leslie, you have so much in common. ( like we both fuck MY husband?)

If you had cared more about pleasing me I wouldn’t have been with someone else. (If you had been a better husband I might have cared more about pleasing you)

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Karen April 17, 2013 at 10:01 pm

I tried to post this but think it went elsewhere. My absolute faves of the many stupid things my ex said;

While trying to convince me to take him back; ‘Infidelity is not a big deal, it’s just something that happens when a relationship isn’t going well.’ Should have seen his face when I suggested that he might want to inform his AP, and any future women he becomes involved with, of this belief of his.

And when I was turning him down on that reconciliation plan of his, saying that he had made a very clear choice about our relationship when he chose to engage in this affair (it was his second, and after the first one I made it EXTREMELY clear that there could not be a second), ‘I didn’t make any choices!’ Poor helpless baby, life just pushes him around!

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HearthBuilder April 23, 2013 at 9:51 am

That sounds familiar. I think the philosopher Neil Peart said “If you choose not to decide you still have made a choice.” Kudos to you for not cooperating.

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Datdamwuf July 31, 2013 at 11:01 am

And that quote is in the song “Free Will” by Rush, a favorite of mine.

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NMK April 19, 2013 at 3:01 pm

We went to a counselor shortly after dday, and at one point he got all huffy and said “We need OPEN and HONEST communication!!”
AYFKM? You lied to me for 8 months and NOW you want open and honest communication?!?!!?

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Jennifer April 22, 2013 at 10:14 pm

“If you had really loved me and been committed to me and wanted to be appealing to me, you never would have let yourself gain weight.” 2 points…#1. I gained 15 lbs while recovering from major surgery due to cancer…#2. I was still a size 6.

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HearthBuilder April 23, 2013 at 9:15 am

That’s appalling! Don’t let anyone put it on you. He’s a pig!

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Jennifer April 22, 2013 at 10:18 pm

Forgot this one…”She was very sensitive to the fact that I was married and had 3 children.”…Clearly.
I could do this all day!

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Kelly April 23, 2013 at 9:35 am

Jennifer—Seriously? She was sensitive to the thing she was destroying? They truly live in an alternate universe in which up is down and black is white. I sometimes idly contemplate whether they outright know they are lying and are just making shit up as they go; or do they compartmentalize and believe their own lies like the best psychopaths who can pass lie detector tests? I’ll probably never find out the answer to these profoundly annoying questions.

“I could do this all day!” You’re hilarious. Who knew these poor excuses for human beings could provide such sick comedic fodder??

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Kara April 24, 2013 at 12:22 am

If she were all that sensitive she wouldn’t have done it.

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Nord October 4, 2013 at 5:16 pm

Ex told me that final OW felt ‘really bad’ about being involved with a married man while living with anohter man. This didn’t stop her from continuing, of course, but fortunately Ex was there to assure her it was all really ok because our marriage was crumbling anyway. News to me, of course, and news to her about the many other OW i discovered he’s been fucking for years.

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bogieb October 4, 2013 at 5:33 pm

That sounds really familiar Nord – except this was my STB EX’s first affair. She was living with another guy and told STB EX told him he didn’t want a divorce or to leave me – yeah, right. That’s why she went ahead and slept with him and met him on weekends while he was “working”.

What lies they tell themselves and each other while they carry on!

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Yoder April 24, 2013 at 3:36 pm

Dday was Christmas Eve (although I did not yet know the extent of the affair until a few months later.) His shrink suggested a marriage counselor, who in actuality, was also a psychiatrist. Had NO intent to excuse h’s cheating, but wanted the opportunity to hear him lie, pathologically, to a trained shrink. He did, of course. Three days later, when I had permanently removed the OW from the scene (I still relish in that moment) he had the nerve to say, “I think I almost have her out of my mind.” Well, I thought, “How about that, you are fading fast in mine.”

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Yoder April 24, 2013 at 3:59 pm

We were at an RV campground when D day rolled around. the OW had sent him all kinds of gifts even money. When I figured all this out I began pitching everything I could find. She sent him golf clubs and mixed in with his, I did not know what was what. I told him to get everything out of the RV that she had sent him. I knew he would not do this, but wanted to catch him in another lie. Three days later, a Thursday, I asked if he had gotten it all thrown away. He said, “Yes.” I asked him when and he said, “Yesterday, or the day before.” They empty dumpsters at the campground on Monday. I walked around to every dumpster in the park. Oh, did I forget to mention that we were the only RV in the entire park? All totally empty except the one we normally used. In it was one bag of trash I threw in after the dumpsters were empties on Monday. He never left the park from Monday to Thursday and had no other way to ditch his stash. I told him after I searched all the empty dumpsters. Gotcha! He didn’t say a word.

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Lori L April 24, 2013 at 4:02 pm

The scariest statement ( and that’s what it was, a cold, unfeeling, psychotic statement) he would make was while we were arguing during the last year of our marriage. Maybe the last 6 months… I’m not sure now of the time since it felt like forever.

I had been sleeping on the couch and away from him for 2 years. I had told him I wanted a divorce and that I wasn’t happy. Yet he would still try to engage me and try to get me to show some interest or passion towards him, of which I had none left.

We would get to heatedly discussing/arguing about the same things “… I am not happy. Why do you think I have slept on the couch for two years. I want a divorce. It’s over. I’m not happy, you’re not happy, the kids aren’t happy. It’s time to just stop.” ( we had always agreed he would be the one to leave and I would stay with the kids in the house… It was their home, they needed to be where they felt most happy and I was the better parent ( until the end of course when he decided to try to pit them against me, another story for another day…)

He would say at that point… “WE’RE NOT GETTING A DIVORCE. NO ONE IS GETTING A DIVORCE. THAT IS NEVER HAPPENING. WE ARE GOING TO STAY MARRIED AND GO THROUGH THIS YEAR AFTER YEAR AFTER YEAR. WE WILL BE TOGETHER FOREVER….!”

I never heard anyone say anything that insane before or since. Scariest thing I have ever heard. It was like he was God or the Devil ( and he said it in a commanding tone) and that was the absolute end all be all and there was nothing else to be said. At which point I would usually break down and sob since there was nothing that could be said to something so irrational. I would just lose it.

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HeartBuilder April 24, 2013 at 5:19 pm

That’s so creepy. Talk about a sense of entitlement. Those must have been some deep dark times. How did you finally break away? I don’t think my back is going to survive two years on the couch let alone my brain and heart. Do you wish you had done it sooner?

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Yoder April 24, 2013 at 5:25 pm

I’ve been sleeping single on a double pull out sofa for 2 years. That stupid steel bar that goes across my back is getting REALYY old.

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HearthBuilder April 24, 2013 at 5:46 pm

Well if you’re anything like me you probably don’t sleep that much anyway. I’m only about a month past d-day but it’s like my body just doesn’t need sleep anymore (until an afternoon meeting anyway). Lunesta has helped a little. I really hope you get off that sofa soon. You deserve better. I also really hope your kids will see through whatever he is doing. I can’t believe the depths some people will sink to.

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Lori L April 29, 2013 at 3:27 am

We had a really comfy couch at the time…Lol

Plus, I disliked the idea of being next to him so much it wasn’t a hard choice. What ended up taking so long was I wouldn’t leave my home, since that would mean leaving my kids, and there was no way I was doing that. I kept talking to him, every couple of weeks about a divorce for about a year, then just stopped talking to him at all. After about 6 months, the lack of my attention towards him was unbearable to him, and he started some really nasty arguments with me.

The final straw was an intense argument he wanted right after New Year. I disengaged, and just kept repeating I want a divorce, like I have been telling you for two years. I think it had finally sunk in, with the disengagement and the repitition. These people are THICK because they choose to be.

That particular night, he started man handling me. Hitting me, pushing me and if you can believe it, chest butting me when I tried to leave the room. I had enough. I told him to pack his shit and leave or I was calling the police. It took 1 hour of repeating that for him to finally leave. He had the balls to think he was coming back the next day. Wishful thinking on his part. When he called the next day, I just told him not to even try it or I would call the police.

Contentious separation, he tried suing me for all kinds of things which got dropped and he almost went to prison for non support. He screwed our credit, put the kids and I on welfare for non payment of support, threatened to kill me (which he denied later. I tried to get an order of protection, in va they have to assault you… Ugh) and alienated me and the kids. Screamed and yelled like satan spawn every time I had to deal with him on anything. He would not work anything out between us.

2.5 year divorced, I’m still traumatized I have realized. That’s why I’ve been reading and participating in posting here and 1 other place on Facebook of late. I never talked before, except to a therapist. It wasn’t enough though. I realize I need to hear others stories, to know I wasn’t alone and to get to a point where I can use the tools I see here and elsewhere and actually move forward. I was with him 20 years. It’s taking a long time to fully move past this for me.

My situation may not be typical by any means. And I don’t suggest anyone wait until a spouse tries assaulting you before you act. I’m just saying it was my final straw and my reason to get up the nerve to get him out. I’m also disabled, and have lost almost everything. I think that was another reason I did not push so hard those last two years. Being scared of falling into poverty. I’m here now with horrible anxiety. I still thank God though every day I am not still married to him. The bad way way outweighed the good. It was not a decent or adult relationship. I was not happy, and I realize he never could be, no matter how hard I tried or wanted things different. It wasn’t all on me.

Anyway, I hope you find your way out, if that’s what you really want and in a more productive way than I found my way out. Keep reading here. Find what helps you cope and helps you find your strength and your happy place. Best of luck.

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Kay H April 24, 2013 at 8:32 pm

My husband said, “I can’t go cold turkey and not see her. I’m serious about her.” Okay, you do realize that you’re speaking to your wife here about your girlfriend. Did that sound better in your head? http://dowehavetotellthekids.blogspot.com/2013/04/might-i-recommend-filter-next-time.html

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Lori L April 29, 2013 at 3:34 am

I’m so sorry. Unreal. So detached from reality that he couldn’t even imagine, screw it, you were such an object to him that he could sit there and say that to his WIFE. Just sickening.

I’ve read many of your blogs. They are so helpful. Thank you for what you share and what you give.

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Yoder April 24, 2013 at 8:34 pm

Hearth Builder, it is just so soon for you. I remember those early weeks…terrible days and nights. Now that I do not have to get up during the night to take care of h, I dispense his evening meds, call it a day, fix an adult beverage, catch a movie on line and drift off into the sweetest sleep I have had for a long time. The sofa bed is simply uncomfortable. It all may change when I am finally able to leave and find myself alone, but I don’t think so. I am so looking forward to building a new life for myself with new friends, doing new things, having my refrigerator stocked only with what I want to eat, going only where I want to go and doing any damn thing I decide to do. Two grown kids are cheering me on, two won’t even talk to him. Life can be good.

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HearthBuilder April 24, 2013 at 10:06 pm

Thanks Yoder. It’s so good to know that there can be peace after this. I feel so hopeless sometimes it’s hard to breathe. I’ve been avoiding adult beverages because I’m scared to death that it would become a crutch; but, as soon as I’m emotionally solid enough, I will raise a glass to you. By then I hope you’re in a plush, comfy bed not too far from your nicely stocked refrigerator.

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Kelly April 25, 2013 at 10:05 am

Hang in there HearthBuilder, we all know that hopeless feeling (and yeah, make sure you avoid the alcohol till you are certain you can handle it). It does get better overall. I am a year past D-Day and still get hopeless once in a while thinking what he took from me and our children. But I tell myself “just wait it out, the feelings will pass…” And they do. I have just been reflecting on those terrible days, weeks and months immediately post D-Day. I used to keep a journal and wait up until midnight sometimes just so I could write “I survived another day.” Then one day I realized that I wasn’t keeping such close track of it, and was feeling better. Key was keeping as NC as possible, just the passage of time, and support like we get from CL. ((((Hugs))))

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HearthBuilder April 25, 2013 at 12:16 pm

Thanks Kelly. I’m clearly not there yet. I instantly burst into tears at “… thinking what he took from me and our children” at work no less. We still haven’t talked to my daughters, 13 and 14 (although I found a note from my 13 year old that shows she has figured out a lot, she even guessed who the guy is). It’s so helpful to hear from survivors like you that there is life after d-day. Still working on the NC thing. Thank you for the iHugs too, I really needed that.

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Kelly April 25, 2013 at 7:34 pm

I’m so sorry you are going through this HearthBuilder. I’ve done the tears at work and everywhere else, believe me. One night I even screamed at the top of my lungs driving home in my car (didn’t work for me, felt crazy and I was hoarse the next day besides). You will get through it though, and come out the other side. Just hold on to your kids, your job, your friends and extended family (if possible), and most of all yourself.

Your ex is a piece of sh*t. Just sayin’….

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HearthBuilder April 25, 2013 at 10:27 pm

Kelly, you really have a way with words. I can’t thank you enough for helping a newbie.

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TKM April 26, 2014 at 7:52 pm

Dear Hearth builder,
Tell your dog turd that they have a week to fess up to the kids about the truth concerning their adultery or you will tell them the truth as you see it. Please don’t let this piece of shit manipulate them into thinking you had some role in the destruction of their family. They are old enough they have probably pieces most of it together. If you are honest with them they should embrace you and help you kick the dog turd out and then you and the kids can move mom together to a happier life. Hang in there. It does get better, I promise. Cyber hugs.

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Yoder April 24, 2013 at 8:49 pm

Kay H, these are truly priceless. I don’t know if there are books of these or not, but if not, there needs to be. It is as if they NEVER thought about what they were going to say, just thought that D day would ever happen. Like they swallowed a few bottles of stupid pills. All the careful planning, complex lies, sneaking around, oh, so carefully they carried and then is all goes poof! And they are stump dumb all of a sudden. Not nearly as clever as they thought they were.

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Kay H April 24, 2013 at 8:53 pm

I think my husband has lost his marbles and he didn’t have many of them to begin with. Not my problem anymore. The OW can have him and his ridiculous comments. Go sell crazy somewhere else.

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Lori L April 29, 2013 at 3:39 am

I think all cheaters want to be caught in one way or another. There is either the immense guilt, in a person that has some feelings, and then with an N, I think it’s a matter of pride in having been able to get one over on you for some arbitrary period of time in their heads… I guess each one is different with that. I think they all want you to find out though. I think some of them actually secretly, or some maybe even outwardly enjoy the power the pain it inflicts gives them. Sick, sick, sick!

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Yoder April 24, 2013 at 9:00 pm

You got it! Good riddance.

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Yoder April 24, 2013 at 10:15 pm

Actually, no refrigerator needed. Vodka and black cherry kool aid. Medicinal only. My physician suggested it for sleep. Have one before I go to sleep every night, works like a charm, but then I do not “over due” anything, food, salt, sugar, exercise, drinking, just don’t. And I still weigh 118 pounds. Now if I just didn’t have to look in the mirror each morning.

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Lori L April 29, 2013 at 3:42 am

Ooh, the vodka and kool-aid sounds delicious! And like a wonderful way to end a day when you know sleep is going to be hard… I should have had one of those tonight!

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Janet April 29, 2013 at 4:24 am

How much Vodka?

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Valentine April 25, 2013 at 12:31 am

LOL! Some of these are hysterically funny! So glad I can laugh about it now.

My ex told me that he would go ‘live under a bridge’ and that I could have ‘everything’. Okaaaaaay. Later, he asked for his ‘cigar chair’ and a Snoopy cookie jar that he had since he was a baby. I thought this was interesting—-until I found out that he took the cookie jar because he wanted the kid he was having with his affair partner to have it. Like an heirloom. Whatever.

He also told me that he was ‘very flawed’…guess that was his admission to having the affair.

He also said that he was now an ‘existentialist’ and that he didn’t need to answer to me anymore. WTF?

I swear not a day goes by when I don’t marvel at how long I stayed in that life-sucking vacuum disguised as a marriage, and allowing that idiot to influence my every waking thought and action. Incredible.

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Kelly April 25, 2013 at 10:07 am

“I swear not a day goes by when I don’t marvel at how long I stayed in that life-sucking vacuum disguised as a marriage, and allowing that idiot to influence my every waking thought and action. Incredible.”

Exactly Valentine. These guys are all the same, it’s sort of spooky.

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Kay H April 25, 2013 at 11:08 am

Sounds familiar.

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Lori L April 29, 2013 at 3:51 am

Yeah, we’ll mine told me he would live in his car before he would see our girls suffer.

Then he didn’t pay child or spousal support for 6 months when he knew I was fighting for my disability and the only income I had was suport; didn’t pay the court ordered mortgage payment (ordered when he started paying some support to me, the other part was supposed to secure our housing), rented a two bedroom apartment for half our mortgage payment per month that we couldn’t afford (and he knew it well) and that he didn’t need since the kids were almost adults and refused to see him.

He almost spent 6 mo in jail for the almost 1 year of non-payment, destroyed our credit, almost lost the kids their home, and put me and the kids on welfare for a 6 mo period of time.

I don’t know if they’re all the same, however, I see a lot of people say they heard their spouse make outrageous claims too.

Love the “existentialist” comment. That is a creative way for him to tell you he’s blowing you off. Lol

Just be careful. And best to you and hopefully he will be reasonable throughout everything.

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MM Burned April 25, 2013 at 7:41 am

Thanks, Valentine, for the :I swear not a day goes by…:

That is prrecisely how I have come to view the debacle that was our marriage!

My favorite was when he posted on his FB page instead of a private message to a friend
“I am now happily with my true love of 36 years”!! WTF – there were two 17 year marriages (myself and his SECOND WIFE) spanning his 36 year love affair with the OW! When I caught them, his first comment was “there you go again – you are always jealous and resentful” and his second line was “I didn’t do it to ruin our marriage” and he was “just helping a friend”. What a creep. And it’s MY FAULT that our (make that MY – he was always working “nights and weekends” because he’s a realtor) 15 year old daughter doesn’t want anything to do with him. ..and if he was home he was “working” upstairs in his office or drunk/passed out in front of the TV until 3 AM.

Yes, Valentine, the
“…allowing that idiot to influence my every waking thought and action. Incredible”
is truely that.

Somehow I thought if I just did “more” his narcissistic light would shine on me again… but for what…? What was I thinking? I guess I was afraid of failure. The world I gave up to be with him. My pride kept me in a cage of misery and fear of the future.

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MM Burned April 25, 2013 at 7:46 am

Just to be clear – I was his third wife….

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Valentine April 25, 2013 at 9:39 am

Burned, wowsers, he IS delusional….but aren’t they all? I also believed if I changed myself into something more attractive then he would come back. NOT.

As for being his wife…I am sure you are grateful you are no longer with him. He sounds like a serial husband…its like a merry-go-round with him.

I love it when they post crap on FB and then are appalled when people say shit on their wall about it. I am sure people who are his ‘friends’ on FB are doing a mental eye-roll (or not) and asking the same question: WTF? weren’t you married umpteen times to umpteen women?

I am truly amazed at the shit that comes out of their mouths and how it makes such PERFECT sense to them when the rest of us are like: YOU ARE SERIOUSLY RIDING THE CRAZY TRAIN AREN’T YOU?

Look, I was afraid of failure too….a failed marriage, a life that I would no longer have, how I would face friends and family, etc…I suppose that was MY pride too. I had to hit rock bottom in the marriage until it occurred to me that I had to get out to save myself. I have never looked back.

Sugar, in the words of Frank Sinatra: you’ve got the world on a string and you’re sitting on rainbow… ;)

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MM Burned April 25, 2013 at 7:53 am

and another favorite
we have our house on the market – i moved out because he made it totlayy untenable to live there. coming in at any time with no notice, telling me who and could visit and when, telling me (AND putting in writing) that my daughter and I couldn’t call it “our house” or “our home” – we has to call it our residence (?WTH?)
Now he bemoans that he and the OW are having to pay not only for the homes they each lived in with their spouses, but their apartments as well. OOOH i feel so sorry for him. He had the nerve, as they considered moving back into the home he and I shared, to send me 8 emails bemoaning the fact that they might have to do that because it was going to be “SO DIFFICULT EMOTIONALLY” for him to live in the house. You gotta be kidding – he wants pity from me? LOL He go zero response.

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Valentine April 25, 2013 at 9:52 am

Oh yes I got that too….he moved in with his affair partner (now his wife) in the house she owned with her previous husband. BUT we were going through divorce and he said he could no longer afford to pay for two residences and he was going to quit paying on ours (he was ordered to pay half of home expenses until it was sold). Oh and I heard the ‘it is so emotional’ coming back to our house and how ‘weird’ it was that he needed to ring the doorbell. Too bad, so sad.

One question: why haven’t you changed the locks? I changed the locks the day I served him with divorce papers. He can no longer come and go as HE pleases. This is divorce. How did he put this in writing? Was this through a court order? If not, then you have every right to tell him to go f*** himself and the horse he rode in on. My ex basically tried the same crap with me and I laughed in his face and told him he was delusional. Also, when he left he gave up all rights…don’t fall for his controlling bullshit.

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MM Burned April 25, 2013 at 10:12 am

Oh yeah – and for the longest time he didn’t want to get a divorce
“what’s your hurry” “being married makes me feel secure” (I love that one…)

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Valentine April 26, 2013 at 9:59 am

Are you fucking kidding me? Being married makes him feel secure??? Thank GOD you are divorcing this idiot.

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MM Burned April 26, 2013 at 11:11 am

Thank you Valentine. My scentiments exactly! Douchbag.

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TKM April 26, 2014 at 8:07 pm

My jerk moved in with OW right away but promised kid she could finish HS in our home. 6 months later he is whining about cost of home and says home has to be sold and is refusing to pay any of
mortgage. Got a job in another state and a great lawyer so we are moving out end of month and jerk will have to pay for everything for the home until it sells or he can move in and stop paying “rent” to OW

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Kay H April 25, 2013 at 11:18 am

‘Don’t you just feel so so sorry for me? Everything I’m going through is all your fault.” Absolutely ridiculous.

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MM Burned April 25, 2013 at 11:25 am

Boo Hoo

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Karen April 25, 2013 at 5:56 pm

I got something similar when the ex tried to convince me to reconcile, 8 months after I discovered his new affair. “This is much harder than I thought it would be. You must find that too?”
I answered “No, it’s about like I thought it would be, that’s why I tried so hard to avoid it for 14 years”.

This after his admitting he hadn’t actually made any effort to make the relationship better or make me happier, during those 14 years. Hadn’t even thought of that possibility! We’d been together about 2 years when he told me “I worked really hard to do well in school, I work really hard at work. Why should I have to put an effort into my relationship too?” I should have walked right then, but I stupidly believed he didn’t actually mean that.

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Kay H April 25, 2013 at 8:44 pm

Karen, I think we were married to the same man. Mine said he had to expend a lot of energy to stay happy in our marriage. Like I didn’t? And marriage isn’t easy, I’m pretty sure everyone has to expend energy. WTF.

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Lori L April 29, 2013 at 3:56 am

I got “I don’t think a relationship should be work. When its real, there’s no work involved.” Lol

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Karen May 7, 2013 at 12:52 pm

I see a pattern here – a narcissistic pattern!

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MM Burned April 25, 2013 at 9:57 am

Aah Valentine…
It just goes without saying – what the hell was I thinking. I insulated myself emotionally with 65 pounds during our 21 year tenure together – and once I found “them” damn if that weight didn’t just “go away” like magic in about 14 months – how did that happen?!
I always felt like I had “me” somewhere inside of me and I have found that I was there all along. People notice I’m myself again, I smile, I laugh, I’m happy, they’re happy for me. The dips##t can glow in his own self-importance, but it’s not my bag anymore.

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TKM April 26, 2014 at 8:23 pm

Dear MM,
Same story for me – I had gained 53 pounds and lost it quickly after he left. I am back to my old self. He had complained plenty about my being overweight – I am sure I embarrassed him. Every time I would try to go on a diet it would only last a couple days because he would complain how he couldn’t eat that kind of food. Then he would glare at me as I are the food he wanted to eat – meat and potatoes or pasta and lots of bread. He told me I should make a separate meal for myself so I would loose weight but why should he have to suffer with diet food when his weight was fine? What a jerk. I should have seen then what a looser he was.

He also started becoming obsessed with fitness in the last year. At 47 playing pickup soccer with 20 year olds and we should all being applauding what a magnificent athletic specimen he was. He was always trying to get my daughter to arm wrestle him at dinner which she would refuse. Then he would take his shirt off to show is his muscles and flex his biceps. My daughter and I both thought WTF was going on with him at the time. Turns out he was hot and heavy in his cheating relationship with the 15 year younger OW.

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MM Burned April 25, 2013 at 10:06 am

We moved out of the house in Nov – but because we have joint ownership my state allows him unfettered access (unless I have a PFA) and his comings and goings were non-stop. At first after he left he said he wouild call before coming over blah blah – that didn’t last because he is a SOCIOPATH.
My sis, a psychologist, after saying “answer yes or no to the following as it pertains to him” and read me the DSM-IV for “sociopath” after I answered yes to 13 of 16 questions – she laughed and told me what she was reading! Sick humor. Keeps you laughin’

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Kelly April 25, 2013 at 10:10 am

Yes MM Burned, during a counseling session my psychologist takes out the same book and starts asking me questions, and then tells me my ex fits the description for “anti social personality disorder” (new name for sociopath/psychopath). Wonderful. Nothing can prepare you for the chilling moment when you realize there is nothing in there, at least nothing good. Sick humor is the only way to go!!!

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MM Burned April 25, 2013 at 10:14 am

Thanks Kelly
Really – when that light was shining on me I left EVERYTHING for a sack of shit promises…. He is a master at his trade. They are dangerous people.

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Kelly April 25, 2013 at 10:27 am

Truly soul-less predators

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Valentine April 26, 2013 at 10:14 am

MM, my therapist at the time also told me that my ex was a Sociopath. I was flabbergasted when she said that because I had never considered him as such but it makes perfect sense now. It also made me realize that this was the REAL him and that nothing I did or said would ever change that or him for that matter. That was a real turning point for me in my mind. Even though we were already divorcing, I tortured myself for months and years going over it in my head: what if I had done this or that, blah, blah, blah…

She told me that, more than likely, my ex wanted to be the good person and that it was just a façade that he could not keep up with and that finally his REAL personality broke through and his narcissistic tendencies took over.

If you’re not seeing a therapist/psychiatrist, I would recommend it. I learned a lot about myself, my ex and what I needed to heal myself. Don’t get me wrong, I am still a work in progress and healing takes a while but it is so worth it!

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Ignia April 25, 2013 at 3:32 pm

“She sent me she liked being on top because she wanted to make you jealous.”

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Ignia April 25, 2013 at 3:33 pm

… Followed immediately by “she’s too fat to be my type. I don’t like fat chicks.”

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Karen April 25, 2013 at 5:50 pm

My absolute fave stupid thing the ex said, during the first weeks of our separation;

“I know I’m a very negative person, I have a bad temper, I don’t really know how to ‘do’ relationships, I stress and bring home the stress, I can only see the bad stuff in every aspect of my life, never the good. So what I need is a woman who doesn’t bring this out in me!”

That’s when I knew there was NO point in talking about anything, ever again, for any purpose, other than practical issues about the kids.

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Janet April 25, 2013 at 5:55 pm

My husband tells me “He and the OW NEVER argue.” How can they argue when they only talk on the cell phone and text alot. I us e to try and deflect the negative conversation and was told I was playing devil’s advocate.

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HearthBuilder April 25, 2013 at 10:06 pm

Isn’t it funny? We get to deal with the bills, the laundry, and the hassles of real life and the affair partners get the romance, the excitement, and the sex. No wonder real reconciliation is so rare.

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Janet April 26, 2013 at 5:43 am

In my fantasy revenge world she comes down here to live in my house and one day when he is in a bad mood he will start treating her the way he treats me. Wake up call OW

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HearthBuilder April 26, 2013 at 6:50 am

Same here except I fantasize about her getting a dose of real life from him and thinking “Maybe old HB wasn’t so bad.” I’m very attentive, loving, and safe. She just got bored; but, maybe when the “sparks an butterflies” wear off I won’t seem so ridiculous. One can hope.

Anyway Janet, I hope by the time your revenge comes to pass, you’ve got a great life and maybe a great guy and you can look at it an go “Meh…” That would be the sweetest revenge of all.

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Janet April 26, 2013 at 7:02 am

HearthBuilder when I have to leave the home he and I bought together and that I have lovingly attended to for 16 yrs I will never come back and my heart will have such a wall around it that I won’t let him back in. It has to be that way because way to often in my life that man I was involved with would move on and a few months later (about 6 ms) would call “oh I mss you etc…” I am a great woman. I have to go NC with him he is the one that has broken my heart worse than any man I ever knew and the one that could find his way back in. I am too vunerable to him. I hope you are going on to build a great life.

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HearthBuilder April 26, 2013 at 8:43 am

Stay strong Janet, and make sure that wall only applies to him and others like him. I hope he beats his brains out on it.

I feel like I’m vulnerable to my wife too. In fact, I’ve described myself as a cracked open tooth with bare nerves exposed. She knew the pain I was in and still ran off to be with him whenever she felt like it. And yet, I get a stupid text from her about nothing and some idiotic part of my brain goes “Hey maybe this was just a nightmare and now it’s over. Maybe this can be salvaged.” This site really helps provide perspective.

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Janet April 26, 2013 at 10:07 am

I went through the same thing a couple months ago but my therapist says I am getting past the denial and although she is not big on telling people what to do she told me to dump the idiot. Still there is a stupid part of my brain that wishes different. And you are right I must hit the CL site a couple time of day for moral support

TK April 25, 2013 at 9:21 pm

I just got some good ones.

Ex: I only made “one” mistake. This after he admitted (probably not the whole truth) to having sex with 3 women and then me finding out that he has been chatting and meeting with more for over 1 1/2 yrs.

Ex: I have been really good to you.
Ex: I only did it out of the insane fear that you were going to cheat on me and it drove me to make poor choices.

I found a naked text from a girl. I left him but he convinced me that it was random and that he hadn’t been in contact with her. Even had her send me a text explaining that she hadn’t been with him for 3 years….RIGHT! But of course, I gave him the benefit of the doubt.
After that, one month later I found he was on Adult Friend Finder and found email after email to other women wanting to meet with them. I confronted him and he denied it all until I actually SHOWED him the messages. Then he tried to say that after the picture debacle that he had “quit” at which time I pointed out to him that they had date stamps on them. Last week, I found out he actually was still meeting people after the picture issue and then he said:
Well, I thought that you had left me for good so it didn’t matter.

He has begged me, told me he would do anything to save our relationship and then tried to blame it on my lack of commitment (we are not married but he asked me repeatedly). I was hesitant to marry him because he had freely admitted to me that he had cheated on his 1st two wives. But of course, “im different, He would never cheat on me because he has never felt like this before, I am his soulmate…..blah, blah, blah”

How pathetic am I that I still think I should try counseling with him, all while knowing I should just tell him to get lost. I have been in several abusive relationships and they all say thee same damn things. Help!

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Karen April 25, 2013 at 10:01 pm

Get yourself a really good counsellor or therapist, and start thinking of this as an addiction. You can’t work out a live-able relationship w/heroin, nor w/a serial cheater. Actually, if you have a clean and legal source, you can probably actually have a MUCH better life w/heroin than you can w/a repeat cheater!

Work towards going No Contact, and when you slip, go right back to it. Figure out what things you tell yourself that make being in touch w/him sound like a good idea, and figure out why those thoughts are WRONG. Be patient with yourself, and keep working on taking better care of yourself. It can take a while, but you can be so much happier.

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HearthBuilder April 25, 2013 at 10:01 pm

You’re not pathetic TK, you’ve just picked some pathetic guys to hang around. All I can say is there are a lot of good guys out there (me included once I get myself straightened out after spending my entire adult life in what appears to have been a sham marriage) who would give anything to be with someone sincere and true.

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Janet April 26, 2013 at 5:45 am

You didn’t marry him because of an instinct gut reaction and quite frankly he has shown his true colors. Seriously, find a therapist.

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TK April 25, 2013 at 10:20 pm

Interestingly after my ex-husband abused me, I went to abuse counseling and support groups and told me to make boundaries and stick to them and to most of all trust my gut.

I have somehow forgotten all of that great advice. I have let him stomp on my boundaries many times all in the hopes that ours is a safe, wonderful, one of a kind relationship. HA!

HE gave me another great excuse tonight…. “I was lonely”. And yes I know that I need to go NC with him and I am working on it. I definitely have some co-dependency issues here.

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Yoder April 25, 2013 at 10:39 pm

TK, have you ever been in a crowd and felt so terribly lonely? I have and I can tell you that you can get over it. You WILL meet new people, you WILL learn to make a new life, you WILL “get over him” and you WILL be so very glad you did. A few moments of pleasure, or feeling secure is no way to live the rest of your life. You are allowing him to control your feelings, feelings that are yours to control, not him. You owe this turkey not one damn thing. He is misery, walking, talking and doing what makes him happy, not you. Take care of yourself. Make YOU numero uno and kick his sorry ass as far away from you as you can. Empower yourself…I give you permission to become the strongest person you can be. Now that you have permission, GET OUT THERE AND TAKE CARE OF BUSINESS!

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Kelly April 25, 2013 at 11:12 pm

Amen Yoder

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Janet April 26, 2013 at 10:08 am

I have been lonely sitting in the same room with my husband

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HearthBuilder April 26, 2013 at 10:31 am

Ditto Janet. This process, and the possibility of one day meeting someone, made me realize that I’ve been so freaking lonely for so long I think I forgot what the alternative used to feel like.

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MM Burned April 26, 2013 at 11:05 am

Remembering that… not a good feeling.
My sister pointed out – after the “whole thing” reared it’s ugly head – that though I would touch my ex on the shoulder, or whatever, that he never simply touched me… as he walked by, or was (seldom) standing near, or anything. I now am in a wonderful, loving relationship where I am loved, respected, supported, encouraged, and am ALLOWED TO DO THE SAME.. After so many years it’s foreign to me to have such a normal relationship. Frankly it was hard to adapt. As if, still, upon occasion, I’m waiting for something bad, I waiting for the sneer, the turn away, whatever. I cherish my man, and what he has allowed me to be and give, and what he is has given me. There is life… You can have it.

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Yoder April 26, 2013 at 1:15 pm

I am too, every day.

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tamara April 26, 2013 at 6:13 pm

One day, while sitting on my front porch drinking a margarita by myself while my X was somewhere else on the property sitting outsideby himself , I had what I call my George Thoroughgood Epiphany. I really don’t like George Thoroughgood…. think he’s a Napoleonic no talent hack. Always laughed at his songs, especially “I drink alone”. But here I was sipping at an excellent marg, enjoying the summer night in Colorado and feeling totally lonely with my spouse less than 100 yards away. Suddenly, I started singing ….”and when I drink alone, I prefer to be by myself.”

I laughed til I almost cried… spouse didn’t even turn his head.

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Yoder April 26, 2013 at 6:27 pm

Wish we had a “like” button.

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HearthBuilder April 26, 2013 at 10:46 am

How about this one?

“I might be able to stay with you for the kids sake. I just have to learn to redefine happiness.”

Thanks. Don’t trouble yourself on my account. It was only a 24 year relationship after all.

Or when I said I was considering divorce:

Wife: “I always let you take the lead on big decisions so if you think that’s best…”

What I really said: *stunned silence*

What I thought of later: “How about the decision to have sex with other men? That was a big one. I think I would have gone an entirely different route on that one.”

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GladIt'sOver April 27, 2013 at 1:15 pm

During the divorce process, the now-ex sent an email to my attorney. He wrote that “It’s not true I told Glad I was interested in another woman….. I told her I was interested in TWO other women.”

He also sent my attorney an email complaining I had “gone on a shopping spree at Walmart.” Because I lost 30 pounds IN ONE MONTH after dday, I needed to buy some new clothes that fit. Spent $200 at Walmart OF MY OWN MONEY, and he complained about my “shopping spree”. My friends still tease me about that.

Right after dday, he quit his six-figure, excellent job he’d always claimed to love, and sent my attorney an email saying that due to the stress of my filing for divorce (though he was having multiple affairs and had told me he didn’t love me and never should have married me) he had decided to “pursue his dream and calling” of becoming an actor.

It’s been three years and so far he’s made around $15,000 in this “dream.” He lost our house to foreclosure, filed bankruptcy, wiped out his retirement fund, lives in his sister’s spare bedroom and is around $25K behind in support money.

He now says he’s a motivational speaker, he wrote a book about how “inspirational” he considers himself and he has a local radio show where he is presented as a “relationship expert.”

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HearthBuilder April 27, 2013 at 1:38 pm

Inspirational speaker? He inspired me to want to vomit. I guess that’s a kind of inspiration.

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HearthBuilder April 27, 2013 at 1:39 pm

Sorry he “motivated” me to want to vomit.

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Valentine May 10, 2013 at 4:47 pm

HB, me too.

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Kelly April 27, 2013 at 3:56 pm

Oooooo Glad, my ex is now an “inspirational speaker, consultant and business coach”. He holds himself out as a role model and paragon of passion and commitment. This is a man who cheated on me for at least 17 of the 25 years of our marriage with 2 co-workers I thought were family friends, sometimes group sex, and sometimes in our home with my children and me sleeping upstairs. Of course never used condoms. My ex claims to be such a leader but he never actually made it for long in the financial services industry in which he worked, and I am the one who carried him and our family financially during our marriage (while he played around in whatever of the numerous jobs he held and wined and dined his crazy sex partners on my dime). Oh, and the people employed by him in his new consulting business are none other than—his group sex partners—helping lead people in integrity, commitment and honor. Seriously, you can’t make this shit up.

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HearthBuilder April 27, 2013 at 6:06 pm

The faithless dickhead who wants to destroy you financially is going to consult on leadership??? That’s so typical. I’ve been a senior manager for a long time in the business world but I’ve always been the proudest of, and most invested in, my position as the leader of my family. I can’t say it’s worked out that great; but, it wasn’t because I didn’t try or care. How can life be so unfair Kelly? Don’t you feel like you want a refund or a do-over.

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HearthBuilder April 27, 2013 at 6:08 pm

… that last period obviously should have been a question mark. Grief makes me type poorly.

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HearthBuilder April 27, 2013 at 8:57 pm

Also I just realized that it’s Nord’s ex that is bent on financial revenge. Sorry Kelly, I guess grief affects more than just my typing.

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Kara April 30, 2013 at 11:00 pm

If by “relationship expert” he means an expert in what you should absolutely NOT do then, sure.

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Janet April 27, 2013 at 1:48 pm

I can’t help[ myself Shopping spree at Walmart?! LOL

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GreenGirl April 27, 2013 at 1:58 pm

Walmart? You crazy spender you. Better keep a hold of her cards, who knows what she’ll do next.

Imagine. A whole 200 dollars.

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Lori L April 29, 2013 at 4:08 am

God forbid any of us spend money on things that even Social Services considers “necessities” on a yearly basis. $200…? Shopping spree… Tee hee hee… They will try to get away with nailing us for anything while hiding assets from us or just flat out not paying support in many cases. Unreal. That’s what I keep coming back to when I read these posts. It’s unreal what we have gone through. No one should have to go through these kinds of harassments.

The whole point of marriage is supposed to be two people who love one another. If they divorce, it’s supposed to be sad, but the love should just die in a week, a day, an afternoon! I would expect people to be sad but still care for one another’s well being. It amazes me how quickly my ex, who loved me and wanted to work things out in the week after the final day, all of a sudden didnt love me or our kids anymore.

I know now its because he never did. It’s just such a mindfuck.

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Lori L April 29, 2013 at 4:10 am

That statement should read “love shouldn’t die” not love should… I am trying hard to get used to the auto complete on this tablet. Sorry.

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Yoder April 29, 2013 at 10:49 am

Janet, an ounce. Not trying to get sloshed, just fall peacefully asleep.

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Karen April 29, 2013 at 7:25 pm

Another fave stupid thing the ex said;

So, I’ve found out about this second affair, confronted him, told him the relationship is over, offered to move out (w/the kids) and he’s insisted the kids and I stay in the house, he’ll get a place. He spends a long weekend in NY w/his shmoopsie, pretty much breaking my kids’ hearts (they’ve seen very little of him for months while he’s working in another city, we’ve announced the separation, then he chooses to spend that weekend w/her, and doesn’t contact them during it). Then he stalls on getting a place for almost 2 months, when he’s home on weekends he’s sleeping in the guest room and trying to act like nothing much has changed. I finally get him a place, I go with him to make sure he signs the lease.

As we’re leaving his new place, he says ‘this is just temporary, right?’.
And I’m so clueless, I think he means he’s not going to spend the rest of his life in a one-bedroom rental. So I say ‘right;.

Only much later do I realize he actually thinks he’s going to be coming back! Cheeesh!

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Yoder April 30, 2013 at 12:13 pm

Cheaters stay in denial until they literally have nothing, then and only then, it hits them, they are shocked to face reality.

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GullibleMe October 15, 2013 at 9:12 pm

and that is when they come begging for forgiveness and “you are 100% right” and “I will do anything”

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Patsy April 6, 2014 at 1:12 pm

it doesn’t last, though.

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Jamie R. May 1, 2013 at 12:22 pm

It was when we were fighting.

I had nowhere else to go.

We used a condom.

I was fucked up and she climbed on top of me.

It was only one night.

It was only two nights.

I can’t remember I was fucked up.

GAH!!!!!!

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Emily May 1, 2013 at 7:25 pm

Him: It wasn’t supposed to happen. It was an accident.
(Really? You accidently hopped on a plane to Vegas to meet up with an ex-girlfriend, and share a bed in a hotel? But you didn’t think anything would happen?)

Then, about 2 weeks later, after I’m still upset: When are you going to forgive me? God forgave me and I forgave myself!
(Wow. That’s very big of you to forgive YOURSELF! You don’t forgive yourself! You forgive the people you hurt…like your wife!)

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GreenGirl May 1, 2013 at 7:44 pm

Nice to know God forgave him. I take it he has a close and personal relationship with God. After all, it wasn’t like he broke his promise made before the Lord to, what was it? “forsake all others”

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Patty May 20, 2013 at 10:49 pm

When I told my husband he’d broken that vow, he said ‘I don’t remember that being part of the marriage ceremony! No, that’s not in there.’

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marcie May 3, 2013 at 10:34 pm

Been divorced for 14 years from a serial cheater (after 17 yrs together) and now married to a dedicated, hardworking, respectful man for the last 8. But the trauma of the years with the cheat still linger – and maybe cuz our youngest graduates from HS this month, and I will have to see/speak to x for the first time in years …seems a bit fresh lately… but here’s some oldie but goldies to contribute:

1) I love you but I really, really LIKE her
2) She feels really bad about this too
3) I was never sober when I cheated with anyone else… just so you know that.
4) You look really good – but if we split up it’s gonna be hard for you to find someone else because you’re such a bitch ;
5) Oh, so you have to be all righteous and sleep on the couch?…I made a mistake, I said I was sorry.
6) you are so emtionally emeshed with me – there’s got to be more to your life .
7) and finally, “you just don’t know how to have fun”. … guilty – supporting a family in a town where I knew no-one, having small children and an incredibly demanding job, and putting you through 9 yrs of higher education.,while you charmed the co-eds, yep, I was just such a bore -

My youngest turns 18 in 6 weeks – I can sleep easy now knowing that if something happens to me he can’t swoop in and end up raising my kids .

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GladIt'sOver May 4, 2013 at 10:52 am

Ex NPD husband was a personal trainer in a big exercise group. He had affairs with two married women in the group simultaneously. He explained to me that both of them were pursuing him very aggressively, so to discourage them (because he would never cheat, you know!) he told them the only way he would sleep with them is if they had a threesome. He claimed he said this to scare them off. Because I guess just saying, “No, I’m not interested and I’m faithful to my wife.” wouldn’t have been discouraging enough.

They had the threesome.

He went on to have a very intense affair with one of them, desperately trying to get her to dump her husband. He continued using the other as a fuck buddy, and triangulated these women like crazy. The whole thing lasted for months, and maybe is still going on for all I know.

Oh, and he also said many times that he wasn’t having sex, he was helping the serious affair partner “work on her marriage” because he would NEVER sleep with a married woman.

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Yoder May 4, 2013 at 11:17 am

Gladit’sOver, story after story, comment after comment, I continue to be amazed at how stupid these cheaters become and seem to believe we are too. We are not stupid, we are trusting. I refuse to change my values just because their’s are in the dumpster. I go to bed with a clear conscience, they don’t. I can hold up my head, still proud of who I am, they can’t. I do not sneak around to avoid people, they do. They will have to live with the fact that they have broken man’s law, God’s law and our promise to each other. I may die trying, but I will get through this, but he will never be able to unfuck the OW. Living with that for the rest of his life has already begun to wear on him. About all I have left for him is disgust.

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Really May 4, 2013 at 11:57 am

I’m right there with you, Yoder. I swear you could be writing about what’s happening to me.

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TKM April 26, 2014 at 8:55 pm

Dear Yoder,
Amen to that. I have basically only seen the soon to be x a few times since he left 9 months ago. I do run into the OW at work – her office is across the hall from mine. I find it hilarious how she skulks around the building trying to avoid me. I have made sure to tell EVERYONE she is having an affair with my husband and that the both of them are dog turds. I took a job in another state starting in Sept so my daughter and I can start over. We both are changing our last names back to my maiden name as
part of our fresh start. It is helping us both feel like we pressed the reset button on life and this version doesn’t include the dog turd.

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Yoder May 4, 2013 at 1:38 pm

Really, it is just such a “collective” story. If you substitute nouns for pronouns, and acronyms for descriptions, it truly becomes a universal story. There isn’t even an age or gender differentiation. Not even length of marriage seems to matter. I am far too close

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Yoder May 4, 2013 at 1:41 pm

I am far too close to it right now, but I can see a screen play coming. Wonder how many will recognize themselves and their ex’s and ow’n? Have a great opening in mind, but of course, can’t write the ending until I get there.

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Really May 4, 2013 at 1:42 pm

And thanks to CL, chumps all over can see they are not alone and that integrity, facts, and responsibility are still valued today.

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Kelly May 4, 2013 at 1:44 pm

Love this!

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Yoder May 4, 2013 at 1:47 pm

Kelly, I don’t know that misery loves company, but we certainly love sharing it with other paddling the same canoe.

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marcie May 4, 2013 at 2:53 pm

I can tell you from experience it does get so much better and easier although for me, there remains some internal residual damage that floats to the top every once in a while. Once the doors and windows open and the toxic air blows out, things start to smell and feel – fresh. Only words I have to explain it. You wait for the really hard stuff to happen once you’re on your own – and it doesn’t – because even the hard things are easier than what you put up with; and one day you realize that 500 lbs of weight is lifted from your shoulders and you didn’t even you you felt it, until it was gone.

I blossomed and I mean really, really just blossomed after I finally walked away. My friends today totally can’t believe it when I tell them that for 10 years I was alone – totally alone and had no friends or life outside of work and family because he either screwed them or alienated them. Before and after pics in photo albums provide the proof. I look 15 years older than my age just by the lines in my face – in the old “couple snaps” and de-aged within a quick year or so afterwards. At 28 I looked 40 and at 38 I looked 29 (smile).

Unwinding yourself from the cheat takes some dedicated effort, and it’s hard to get past being mad at yourself for having put up with it sometimes – but nothing, nothing, nothing replaces the feeling that you know who you are, what your values are, and finding that your own dignity is worth every once of your protection. It does get much, much easier and life is/will be soooooo much better. Promise.

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anotherErica May 5, 2013 at 2:36 pm

Marcie – so glad to hear that! Makes me so happy to hear about chumps that have moved on and found real happiness.

I feel like I’ve moved on a lot, but a part of me feels like I’m still waiting for my new life to start. I guess it just takes time…

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Yoder May 4, 2013 at 3:03 pm

Macie, You give such feelings of hope. Self doubt can be so overwhelming. Just a little optimistic hope really helps.

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TJ53 May 5, 2013 at 12:42 am

I want to play…. :)

Her: I was selfish and only thinking of myself.
Me: Um, no shit Sherlock! So you’re hoping “what”, that this bullshit answer will make the questions about your affair stop?

Her: My counselor has advised me to move past this. Why can’t you?
Me: So let me get this straight, It’s been 1 freaking month and a so called professional has made this absurd and ridiculous assumption, so I should just respect that… suck it up and get over it already!?

Her: I don’t want you to read my emails or texts to him. It will only hurt you more.
Me: OK, so what you’re REALLY saying to me is that you don’t want me to know ALL the fucked up scummy details about what you actually did!?

Her: I can’t help you heal from this because I’m not you… and I don’t understand what you’re going though.
Me: Why don’t you just be honest for once in your miserable broken life and tell me what you’re really thinking, e.g.,Hey fuckhead!, I JUST LOST MY LOVER., I hurt too dammit!

Her: When I said “I love you” to him, I meant it like I would say it to a good friend or relative.
Me: Except you didn’t FUCK those good friends or relatives. But hey, it’s only semantics right?

Her: I now realize how much I love and want you.
Me: NO, you’re scared shitless because you now realize that your free meal ticket just may have an expiration date printed on it!

And my all time favorite….

Her: No we didn’t use condoms! He has been married for over 35 years, just like us. We don’t use condoms do we?
Me: OK uncle!, I give up :-0

Particulars… Her affair lasted 3-1/2 years. 11 months of false reconciliation ended when I found out she was still in contact with affair partner. Divorce will be final on 6/6/13 (prophetic date don’t you think?) The end.

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GreenGirl May 5, 2013 at 1:00 am

“Her: When I said “I love you” to him, I meant it like I would say it to a good friend or relative.
Me: Except you didn’t FUCK those good friends or relatives. But hey, it’s only semantics right?”

You should have said, “so you sleep with your good friends and relatives. If this is something other members of your family do as well that would explain a lot.”

Of maybe just a horrified, “you sleep with your good friends and relatives!?!”

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Kara May 9, 2013 at 11:31 pm

Oo! Another good thing you could have said is “So how many of your relatives have you slept with then?”

XD

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Valentine May 10, 2013 at 4:41 pm

Oh my gawd! Seriously, the shit they say it completely amazing.

You have some winners there TJ. :(

D-Day is soon for you…

The anniversary of my Divorce is on Mother’s Day, May 12th. YAY!

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MM Burned May 13, 2013 at 7:58 am

I hope you had a wonderful day!!!
I CANT WAIT!!!

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GullibleMe October 15, 2013 at 9:19 pm

But hey, it’s only semantics right?

- yup, I got the same thing about it being a brother-sister love. Even though the same series of texts had “goodnight sexybum” and the phone bill revealed hundreds of dollars of calls and texts to her incl. during the day when “you mustn’t ring me / disturb me at work”!!!

But apparetnly SHE threw herself at him when he was “vulnerable”. The phonecalls instigated by you, mate, tell a different story.

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MM Burned May 10, 2013 at 2:00 pm

… it took him 6 months to admit to sex… all the fake time in counseling… all the pretend attempts… the trip to Mexico with our daughter – he was loaded the whole time…
Her husband and I (as we were all “friends” of course) sorted it out… comparing notes… dates… It caused me to research his turnpike pass, his phone records, his check register, his credit card receipts… man – he even just regularly charged the motel room on his regular checking account debit card!

I finally called him from work “i need to see you now”

“ok”

“I’ll be home in 10 minutes”

he was upstairs in his office… I asked..

“did you have sex with (OW)?”

he turned and looked at the wall…

“yes”

“why have you lied to me for so long?”

“BECASUE SHE DIDN’T WANT ANYONE TO KNOW. I PROMISED HER I WOULDN’T TELL ANYONE”

Wow – what a man of high moral standing.

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HearthBuilder May 10, 2013 at 2:40 pm

MMB, how did he react when it came out? I mean do you think he wanted to get caught or do you think he was just so cocky that he thought he never would? My wife worked pretty hard not to get caught but she had it a lot easier (SAHM with ample free time and no suspicion from me).

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MM Burned May 13, 2013 at 7:56 am

Actually Hearth Builder – he said more than once – I think I wanted to get caught… he said he was a bad liar.
That was wierd, I think it was getting to be “too much” for him.
Strangely enough after so many years of lies, I still had a shred of empathy for him. He said after I caught him with his pants down – so to speak – “I always hoped you would find someone else” said I”drove him away because I was “jealous and resentful”. In fact those were the first words he said to me when I caught him with the OW. What bullshit. She was not the first I had been told about and knew about, just the most pervasive. I had such blinders on becasue I had goven up so much to move 5 states away to be with him… and corporate directorship. left my family and friends, moved my then 11 and 6 kids, only to – within two weeks – have him say ” oh why donlt you just buy that house across the street and lets not get one together. (this was 1990). I actually lost my cookies as they say, lost custody of my kids, and had a hard time “coming back”. I was so blind to the signs and held on harder and harder to his gossamer promises and declarations which misted away within a few months of my move. I was so foolish and as time passed, I realized I would not get out whole with my head up unless I caught him red handed….
He allegiance was never with me… his favorite term “whatever” to any comment, query or reply.
I really was beaten down emotionally by all of this.
Once I found him and went through a very humilitating “pick me” dance for 6 months – the truth was revealed. I think I held on so long because it was just the status quo.
We went through 5 months of joint counseling sessions; it was revealed after DDay that he had told his counselor right off the bat that he had told me he had sex with the OW,,, I discoved that tidbit when I had the “joint” counseling session wothout him after DDay.
What I do know is the whole marraige was a sham.
EXCEPT
I have a beautiful 15 year old daughter that I cherish… (he was screwing OW while I was pregnant I understand now – but that’s his problem.)
and
had I never lifted up roots and moved here – I would have never met the man I now love. Strangely enough, he is a friend of 43 years of my STBX and who’s wife, one of my best friends, passed away.
What I have learned:
YOU CAN’T CHANGE PEOPLE; ACCEPT THEM FOR WHO THEY ARE
PEOPLE WILL GET IN YOUR BUSINESS – LOOK AWAY
BE HONEST
BE KIND
RESPECT YOURSELF
There’s gonna fallout, know that the fallout will inculde people you don’t expect – not even in a million years.
Know to that you have so much support that’s in the wings – people that you don’t even know about.
As my mother always said ‘IF YOU CANT SAY SOMETHING NICE DON’T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL” If you want to tell your “story” do it by action – keep the
gory details to yourself (that’s why I like this site – I can bitch).
My STBX was telling everyone I would F==K anyone… geee that’s hard to believe – I never even went out but ONCE for a friend’s birthday party , and I was so uncomfirtable being out… He said all kinds of crap to make himself look good. In the end, NAAAA. Didn’t work.
He still has his supporters, but I never liked them anyway.
I’ve got a great life.
I have great friends and family who I love and who love me.
My business made it through withouit my full attention – I little worse for the wear, but good.
My focus is on my daughter, who has had to grow uo too fast, and I have so much support, faith and love from my dear friend who loves me and lets me love him.

I’ve said in other posts how my STBX and the OW are moving into the house my ex and i own… I couldn;t give a rats ass, frankly. Got another text this weekend how it was “so emotionally hard” for him – so many of my :personal items: were still there: Boohhoo.. I’ll get the belongings out on my own time. …and don’t throw out my cookie cutters you asshole. …NOR all my big kids stuff in the attic. Just because you spread shit all over our lives doesn’t mean we each don’t have some shred of good memories. I guess he knows none of those include HIM. BooHoo for you.

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Janet May 13, 2013 at 8:17 am

I read your post this AM I am struggling so hard here. It becomes more and more apparent to me that as much as my husband keeps saying he wants a divorce he is not going to lift 1 finger towards the process; leaving it all on me. I feel so hurt. Damn it I am not the on who is involved with another person, I did not ask for the divorce. If I start the process there is no turning back and as much as I sure there is not much left to salvage here damn it I still care about him. He is so helpless when it come to real world stuff I keep telling him even if we mediate a financial agreement he still should consult a lawyer but no… he just doesn’t. I am frustrated, angry and so sad that he is forcing me to this.

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MM Burned May 13, 2013 at 12:36 pm

Do what you need to do for yourself, He’s an adult and has to take care of his own life. “He is so helpless when it come to real world stuff..” He was certainly able to cheat wasn;t he?
Take care of yourself and don’t get sucked into his neediness. Read “Pick Me” a thousand times…

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MM Burned May 13, 2013 at 12:37 pm

I love the way they default into inertia…
It’s a huge control thing.

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Janet May 13, 2013 at 7:27 pm

Thanks I never looked at it as a control thing, which is definately his thing!

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GullibleMe October 15, 2013 at 9:25 pm

yes it is passive agressive, the inertia default.

His excuse for never helping me with the kids/housework/family holidays: “you just want to dominate and control everything…so I leave you to your own devices” – well it is a catch-22. I am so exhausted from doing everything because he wn’t lift a finger that I do not pay him enought attention. So he seeks and finds that attention outside our marriage – from the first skank who comes along who “just wants to enjoy life” (read: blows all her money on alcohol and gambling then complains she can’t afford to feed her kid. Yet works FULL-TIME and pays subsidized rent)

Valentine May 10, 2013 at 4:45 pm

MM Burned, did he think you wouldn’t check after the serial liar he had become? You were supposed to take his word on face value? HAHA!

‘“BECASUE SHE DIDN’T WANT ANYONE TO KNOW. I PROMISED HER I WOULDN’T TELL ANYONE”—this takes the cake! So he could keep his promise to her but not to YOU, HIS WIFE?

Indeed, a man who is true to his word…whenever it suits him.

Sorry you are going through this…

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MM Burned May 13, 2013 at 8:02 am

All to be expected from a narcissistic sociopath!!!

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Yoder May 10, 2013 at 9:26 pm

Valentine, I will think of you all day on Mother’s day. Maybe it will make us BOTH feel better.

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Yoder May 13, 2013 at 8:20 am

This is for those of us who are over forty. In my case waayyyyy over forty. From Andy Rooney. I too, can hardly wait to get out.

Andy Rooney’s thoughts on women over forty:
As I grow in age, I value women who are over forty most of all. Here are just a few reasons why: A woman over forty will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, “What are you thinking?” She doesn’t care what you think.

If a woman over forty doesn’t want to watch the game, she doesn’t sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it’s usually something more interesting.

A woman over forty knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of forty give a hoot what you might think about her or what she’s doing.

Women over forty are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won’t hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it’s like to be unappreciated.

A woman over forty has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn’t trust the guy with other women. Women over forty couldn’t care less if you’re attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won’t betray her.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over forty. They always know.

A woman over forty looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over forty is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They’ll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one! You don’t ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over forty for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it’s not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of forty-plus, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some twenty-two-year-old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free,” here’s an update for you. Now 80 percent of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage.

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MM Burned May 13, 2013 at 10:48 am

Being in the wayyyy over 40 crowd – I really appreciate your post!

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Kim June 11, 2013 at 11:54 pm

Just hit 40, and I came across this on Facebook a couple of weeks ago. It’s brilliant!

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Valentine May 13, 2013 at 9:28 am

Thank you Yoder for that! I thought of you yesterday on Mother’s Day as well…All the ‘mother’s’ were asked to take a pic and I was reminded how bittersweet it was for me. Glad that I did not pro-create with the assclown and a little sad because I really did want to be a mother. Ah well! I am HAPPY now…even though I don’t have children, I am in a much better place in ALL ways. :)

Thanks also for saying that about women over forty! I agree with it wholeheartedly! Andy Rooney got it right!

Our 40′s is the best time for us to come into our own! :)

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Janet May 13, 2013 at 12:29 pm

I enjoyed my 40′s vaguely remember them on this side of 6o. But I did love the posting Thanks Yoder. I put it on my facebook page and shared it with a couple of my best over 40 friends

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Yoder May 13, 2013 at 5:57 pm

Thanks, I am glad you enjoyed it. When I read it I did an inventory and really came to believe h is a real son of a bitch and nothing he can say or do can ever make up for what he has done. I needed to realize that I will make it with or without another man in my life.

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tamara May 14, 2013 at 5:52 pm

New one…. dealing with the X about picking up some stuff of mine he still has, and he wouldn’t answer my e-mails, and had changed his phone number. He finally called 2 months later.

Me: i just want my stuff.
Him: I didn’t answer because you are always so mean to me. You say you will never believe anything I ever say again.
Me: whatever… when can I drive the ten hours to come get my stuff.
Him: I WAS NEVER MEAN TO YOU, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO MEAN TO ME?
Me: Really? Never mean to me?
Him: well I did some despicable things to you, but I’ve already said I was sorry. I’m not mean to you now.
Me: well, lying to me is pretty mean. Abusing me is mean. Cheating on me is mean.
Him: Geez… why do you have to keep bringing that up… I am sorry for that every day,, trust me.
Me: i’ll call you when I get to town. Bye.

What a tool…..

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Nan May 16, 2013 at 4:43 pm

Me: I found Viagra in your pants pocket while I was doing laundry.
X: I got it for you! I was just trying it out at the office to see if it worked!

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Kara May 22, 2013 at 2:32 pm

He can try it out in the automatic pencil sharpener…

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Faith November 16, 2013 at 7:31 pm

The pencil sharpener comment made me laugh til I cried. This entire post is the best I have read about idiot cheaters. Yoder is right this should be a book.

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Yoder May 21, 2013 at 9:50 am

Unbelieveable! They just make up the rules as they go along.

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MM Burned May 21, 2013 at 9:58 am

I am always amazed that cheaters think that if they have “forgiven themselves” everyone else has/should too! Just amazing. “Why do you always bring that up!” “There you go again” blah blah The are such selfish boors. It comes up every time I have any communication with him. …and I’m supposed to have emparthy for his “pain” of having to move back in [with his girlfriend of 36 (count .em) years} into the house we shared. Boo Hoo. Everyone else is supposed to pour honey all over him while he sprinkles salt and vinegar. Turd.

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Yoder May 22, 2013 at 8:32 pm

I am 66 years old and I am of the opinion that if a guy wants to purchase Viagra, he should be required to bring a note from his wife.

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coralf May 23, 2013 at 9:45 am

You don’t paint your toenails anymore and THESE THINGS ARE IMPORTANT!

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MM Burned May 23, 2013 at 10:58 am

Heck yeah – the world revolves around such things, of course!

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Kara May 23, 2013 at 11:12 pm

Sounds like grabbing for straws to me XD

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Michelle May 26, 2013 at 5:29 am

First time I found out about XH cheating:
“You never have any time for me. The kids take up all your time.”
“She rings me and talks to me; you never have the time.”
Well, if he helped parent the kids he chose to create, I would have more time. Instead he drank rum with his mates, went to the pub and slept. He was away for a week at a time for work – I would call him when he was on the road and he often ‘didn’t have time to talk.’
Second affair:
“She is my drug counsellor!”
XH used speed for work as a truck driver.
Third (and final affair):
“You are boring, our marriage is boring, we never have sex, I am entitled to my fun.”
Me: “And now you are welcome to have all the fun you want. Do I need to get tested for STDs?”
Him: thinks about it for around 30 seconds….”No I think you should be ok.”

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Bern May 26, 2013 at 9:51 pm

You’re problem is that you aren’t good at sharing.

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tamara May 27, 2013 at 12:12 am

Had to deal with the ex this weekend. After I drove ten hours to get the last of my things, he left me waiting, as usual. Things were going well, and I listened to what he had to say, feeling some chumpy compassion for him. He was spouting the usual about how he would “do anything” to get me back, how his life was not worth living with out me in it (bear in mind, this is after he had stood me up a few times) and “no matter what I do I wish I was doing it with you.” Now, he just moved in with some woman (not the AP, those were, almost, all prostitutes.) So I asked, couldn’t help myself really, when you are in bed with other women, do you think of me? The creep said yes… said he always closes his eyes and wishes it was me. I was grossed out and said so, and his response was :

” Those are my feelings, what am I supposed to do, deny them? It would be different if you weren’t alive.”

I pointed out that I was, indeed, very much alive, to which he said “well, I obviously know that.”

At first, I thought it was some veiled threat, then it dawned on me. This man has never been a mental giant, or been even close to capable of his own thought processes, usually taking his emotional cues from whoever he is sleeping with. His new woman is a widow, having lost her husband a year ago. The creep is comparing her husband, who died, to me, who moved to New Orleans…..

How much tidier it would have been had I just died.

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Yoder May 27, 2013 at 6:11 am

I am so glad you made the decision to get out. So happy you no longer have to be around someone like that. New Orleans sound like a wonderful place to start a new life. If it was good enough for Tennessee Williams, just think what you can do.

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peggy May 28, 2013 at 5:39 pm

when I asked him WHY? this was his answer:
“I’m a dog…aging man vs. sex…no excuse…right decision for you to break it off with me.”

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RockGirl June 5, 2013 at 3:52 pm

The answer I got to why was: “It’s complicated.”

I knew then and there we were over and he was a big pus*y because really, it’s not complicated, it is actutally pretty simple. You don’t lie and cheat. End of story.

Another good one is that “You know, a lot of people have affairs.” Maybe true but WTF, does NOT make it RIGHT!

The blameshift reasons I got were that “I had red flags about you, we had too much fun, it’s like it we were too good of friends and it was too normal”. He struggled with that I am NOT a co-dependent woman and that we didn’t communicate that much during the day. He and the woman he had an affair with would speak 5-6 times/day please 8-10 emails. I am sorry Mr. Bill, but I got a job, and it’s not to coddle your LAME ASS. In short, he can’t do normal, he is a serial cheater and I got out without too pain on my end.

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Kara June 5, 2013 at 6:35 pm

My god, how DARE you be NORMAL and FUN!!

Wow XD

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RockGirl June 6, 2013 at 11:09 am

Yes, funny, what he “loved” about our relationship is that it was healthy, normal, fun and we took things slowly, becoming friends, etc. After our 2nd date he told me that he dated some for 11 years and they both cheated on eachother at the end – versus dicussing they were not happy. Red Flag #1. Then came the trust issues. Red Flag #2.

Not to be too personal but another “Stupid Shit That Cheaters Say” is after the first time we had sex and I didn’t have the BIG O, I shit you not, he said “Well, you obviously are thinking about someone else…” I was floored. No, dumbass, if I was thinking about someone else I wouldn’t freakin’ be here! WTF!

Nonetheless, I trusted my gut and after stumbling up something odd while in the waiting room of the hospital (he was having his appendix out), I confronted him. And then the “It’s complicated…” bullshit.

Oh, the odd thing I discovered was while in the waiting room, I noticted he had a new funky wallet. I looked at it and then looked his DL. For no other reason that he was in surgery and I was concerned/missed him, and I justed wanted to look at a picture of him. I put it back and noticted there was another DL in his wallet. It was a woman’s DL, expired in 2010 but I knew what it meant. Confirmed it though by looking at his call log and one email train – which made me want to puke with stuff like “I love you so much, ” NaughtyKisses”

After I confronted him that night in the hospital, left with his stuff, I went home in disbelief and in a totally fog. However, given that I have a sense of humor, I replaced the other woman’s DL with my senior year HS picture (it’s from 1991)! The following day, he discovered what I did with he DL, he oddly enough didn’t find it too funny!

REALLY! REALLY? Well, I didn’t find it too funny that he lied and cheated on me, with a married woman to boot. In addition to having different values systems, I guess whe don’t have the same sense of humor!

RockGirl is now *meh*, indifferent and very happy to be done with FishGuy as he sucks.

Thanks for the ear. MB xo.

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Kara June 11, 2013 at 2:49 pm

Wow. Immature, stupid AND a hypocrite.

Glad you’re free of that guy. He really does suck.

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Mary Kate June 11, 2013 at 12:33 am

Soon after discovering my husband’s two- year affair with a coworker….

Me: how could you have done this to our family?!
Stbxh: I told you! She admires me!
Me: do you know how much you have hurt us?
Stbxh: (screaming) YOU ASKED ME THE SAME QUESTION LAST NIGHT! DON’T ASK ME AGAIN! IT HURTS MY FEELINGS!!!

And then…

STBXH: If your dad wouldn’t have gotten sick and died, I might not have had this affair. You just kept checking on him and not me!! Sue cared about ME!!! I resent your dad for doing this!!

Can’t make this shit up.

I’m out after 29 years of marriage.

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Yoder June 11, 2013 at 8:04 am

Each comment conjures up in my mind, one word, “childish.” Cheaters become so childish about the way in which they rationalize their behavior. After 35 years together, I have raised our children, I do not intend to raise another one.

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Mary Kate June 11, 2013 at 8:25 am

That’s right, Yoder. They are all a bunch of babies who cry and whine until someone picks them up.

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HangInThere June 11, 2013 at 10:44 am

Soon to be ex-husband – “You didn’t buy me yoga pants for Christmas”.

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ANR June 11, 2013 at 1:14 pm

Five-month affair with her boss: “It’s not worth you being so upset about this silly thing that happened.” (I look at her ….. long pause) “that I did.”

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OregonRose June 11, 2013 at 2:11 pm

Dear Chump Lady,
Wasn’t sure how to post, but here’s my question – What do you think is wrong with people like this – a married couple in an open marriage who go after pretty much anyone they can get, including family members like a brother or sister – whoever will go along with them in 3-way sex or group sex. Nobody is off limits. The whore wife has broken up at least four marriages, has multiple children by multiple partners, a few of which don’t even know they have children because she did not tell them – probably married men. There are no boundaries and anything is okay with them – sex clubs, gang bangs, hired strippers, sex with people they find online, 3-way sex with anyone who will go along with them, sex with family members, friends who will go along with them, co-workers, etc. with no thought or concern about the people they will hurt with their affairs, the marriages which will end, or the families they will tear apart by their actions. The whore wife will be with anyone she can get and has no feelings or concerns about the other women of the men she’s with. All men are fair game. Women are okay with her too. It’s what she does with no regrets almost as if it defines her having control over ruining other people by her power to get what she wants, whoever she wants. Her cuckold husband is okay with this as long as he can watch to take part in the sex in the sex. They appear normal until you become a victim of theirs after they have an affair with your spouse. Once they are found out, they point out that the spouse happily went along with them. They are not responsible for your spouse’s infidelity although they went after them knowing they were married. There is no human feelings of right or wrong, no compassion, no regret, even when families are torn apart. Are these people Sociopaths? Would posting them on Cheaterville be a good warning to others or a feather in their cap? How do people like this live with themselves? What is wrong with someone who has such low morals and decency? I can’t imagine living with the knowledge that you’ve destroyed lives, broken hearts and ruined families. They seem to get off on it.

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KarenE July 7, 2013 at 9:17 pm

Sociopaths.

But they’re right; your spouse was a grown-up, they made their own choices.

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Kim June 11, 2013 at 11:43 pm

3 weeks prior to our 1st anniversary: Him: I’m really questioning our compatibility.
Me: Seriously??? This is just dawning on you now???

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GladIt'sOver June 12, 2013 at 10:54 am

I was dumb enough to go into an eight-month “reconciliation” with the cheater, despite his staggering infidelity with other men, women, financial disasters, horrible lack of integrity, etc. It turned out, of course, that the only reason he wanted to reconcile was to get out of paying child support, have me move back into the family home, I would work full time and support him while he continued trying to become an actor. I’m pretty sure he was still cheating during this time, too.

I kept insisting he needed to get some sort of day job, that he needed to be bringing in some money. He refused and said I was just horribly negative, that he would have to find someone else ‘to encourage him” and that if I really loved him, I would want to “ride the roller coaster of his life, even if we crashed and burned.”

We were sitting at breakfast when he announced, “I don’t see any reason to work on this marriage more, because it’s obvious you aren’t going to accept me if I don’t have a job.”

Yeah, I’m really unreasonable that way. I kind of expect a man in his late 40s should have some sort of employment beyond making YouTube videos of himself dressed in a Halloween costume and dancing while singing a really bad song he wrote.

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Yoder June 12, 2013 at 11:37 am

Honestly, it is as if cheating is a huge stupid pill and they swallow the whole thing.

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coralf June 13, 2013 at 2:46 am

Yes, except they swallow the blue pill and somehow manage to slip the chump the red pill.

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Tamara June 12, 2013 at 12:56 pm

So the conversation on “write a dating profile for your ex” reminded me of a great one…

It had been less than a month after I moved out, we were still in the “to reconcile or not” discussions and he joined Match.com.

Me: wow. that was fast. You’re already trying to date other women. I thought you were devastated by my leaving and couldn’t live without me.
Him: I’m just trying to meet people. I don’t have anyone to talk to. I’m not trying to date.
Me: You’re on a dating site.
Him: Yeah, but I’m nor trying to date, just meet people, you know, new friends.
Me: Bobby, this is a dating site. You’re trying to meet women.
Him: Well, I don’t want to meet MEN….
Me: hahahahahahaha. Did you really just say that? I gotta go.

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Yoder June 12, 2013 at 1:04 pm

Utterly jaw dropping. How stupid can they get?

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TJK June 15, 2013 at 6:28 am

“It was just an emotional affair.”

“You need to take responsibility for your part in this.”

“I felt too guilty to get it up, so I didn’t actually have sex with her.” (when I found underwear).

“They are for you.” (when I found condoms. Even though he’d had a vasectomy)

“I only cheated because you did it first.” (I have never cheated).

When I would caught him in a lie and confronted him: “You are denying my reality.”

When my 13 year old son found nude photos of him and a woman and messages between them on his computer, he accused me of finding them and showing our son.

“I’ve never had this problem in any of my other relationships.” (like it is somehow my fault he cheated)

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Lisa June 18, 2013 at 8:17 am

“I thought you were probably cheating on me”

“She’s just one of the guys”

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Lisa June 18, 2013 at 8:20 am

Her … “That wasn’t me in the nekkid picture I sent him … it was someone else”

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Kara June 18, 2013 at 2:58 pm

XD

I actually lol’d at that one. Like, seriously laughed out loud. The sheer absurdity XD

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AC June 18, 2013 at 11:01 am

“I am trying to decide between you two” – WTF? yeah, I’ll sit here and wait, you go sleep with her! NOT.
“Don’t meddle by contacting here and ruin it for me” – but of course I did, she had no clue!
“our relationship was getting silly” – huh?
“I was cheated on before” – oh so that makes it OK?

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Rally Squirrel June 18, 2013 at 5:55 pm

TJK: “You are denying my reality.” That deserves super-slow-mo applause for the raw dumb-assery of it.

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TJK June 19, 2013 at 8:44 am

He loves the psychobabble. Anything he has gotten from a therapist, he loves to twist it around. He is really proud of himself, too. Gets this look in his eye like “Aha! Got ya!”

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Lou June 20, 2013 at 12:40 pm

So much stupid shit, but this is my favorite thing he said…My husband and I planned to meet at our vacation house. I went down a day earlier than we scheduled without telling him my plan. Sitting right on the bathroom sink was a bottle of Viagra. It had the date it was filled and was empty. Going by the date I knew we hadn’t had sex since it was filled. When confronted he said he took it ” in hopes of having sex with her “!!! My sweet revenge was getting the prescription transfered to a different pharmacy in a different state right before he went on a trip with her to the Bahamas. He has screamed at me about all kinds of stuff, but he has never said anything about his prescription being transfered.

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Yoder June 20, 2013 at 10:22 pm

I am a Lou, too. You think like I do. You rock! I love the twist of fate.

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Lou June 21, 2013 at 9:51 am

Thanks Yoder,
I needed that little pick me up!
Lou

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harmonysmine June 21, 2013 at 9:01 am

I haven’t read through all of the comments so it’s possible this has already been covered, but:

“I love her, but I’m not ‘IN love’ with her (or you, for that matter.) Just what, exactly, does that mean??

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Janet June 21, 2013 at 9:11 am

i think it means i’m in love with me so how could i be in love with anyone else

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tamara June 21, 2013 at 9:15 am

Perfect Janet!
As I always describe my relationship with the ex abuser… Two people deeply in love. Both with the same person.

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Gill June 23, 2013 at 1:30 pm

He said (about the first affair partner): “She’s like a sister to me”

He said (about the second who he left me for): “I didn’t want us to end up like your mum and dad”.

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kb July 20, 2013 at 11:28 pm

So he wants to fuck his sister?

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Polly July 1, 2013 at 11:04 am

” She is an old friend” “We are just catching up” this after he went at 2PM and came home at 2:35 AM. “you don’t understand friendship because you have no friends” Hmmm wonder who it is I have happy hour with once a week. “I am going to bind with her son because he had no father figure” freaking son is near 40 and the only bonding that was done was him pounding on mama until about 11PM and he got home at 1:35 AM. “You neglected me and our marriage” never mind I took care of a dying sibling for a few years, worked a full time job and took care of the house. “The old saying is if I don’t get what I need at home, I will get it some place else” uh yeah ok whatever, I was just as miserable as you but I did not look outside our marriage. “She is funny, she has a great personality and I enjoy talking to her, I will talk to her and if you don’t like it file the papers and I will sign them” Yeah sounded good when he said it, now the lying cheat want half my 401K.

When I confronted him with truth he said “you don’t know anything about her, you assume you know” Ok then listen to this as I quoted the last line of a text she sent him to talk about what a great time they had. His jaw hit the floor as he asked how I knew and then proceeded to tell me he was not giving up “all he had worked hard for” . I assume this to mean the house with no equity and my 401K.

“I called her last night and told her it was a mistake and sorry it went down like that” I said really then you have no problem getting rid of pics/vids/sex texts – his response was how did you know about those – uh didn’t until you just admitted they existed. Plus the fact you kept talking to her every day, getting pics of her whoo ha every day and numerous texts, but yet you will not leave the house and move on.

I swear – I am so ready to be single.

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Yoder July 1, 2013 at 1:22 pm

Polly, “I swear – I am so ready to be single.” Me too!

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mmburned July 1, 2013 at 1:32 pm

And golly gee Pollyanna – he wants to stay married because it “makes (him) feel secure”.

On top of that he lied about his income at the child support hearing, forgot to pay his taxes for three years, and can’t manage to pull together his real estate partnership values for the divorce settlement althought it was requested on 1/2/2012 – that’s eighteen months.

But he took 12 vacations last year…. substantial vacations.

And filed for support FROM ME because he can’t make enough money to support himself.

I swear I an SO READY to be single. He’s a classic case.

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Polly July 1, 2013 at 4:31 pm

I am not sure if he really wants to stay married, but he said last Friday “I Do Love You” my response was how can you love me and continue to hurt me the way you do, you don’t do this to someone you love, you just don’t.

I did not get a text from him the rest of the day but when he came home 2 dozen white roses and dinner out. Certainly did not make up for the hurt he has caused, but I took them and said thank you.

I think he wants both of us, me for security and her for the kinky sex she likes. I am his third wife and she divorced her third husband because …get this…he CHEATED on her while she took care of her sick dad. How ironic is that?

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Des July 2, 2013 at 7:30 am

Mine accused me of being overdramatic when i was telling him how he was hurting me and young his son by cheating, and playing the victim when I was crying.

He cried too. But only when I put down the retainer for the attorney. Priorities :)
I suspect he may be NPD as well.

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EmmaPemma July 4, 2013 at 5:25 am

“I am not in a place where I feel comfortable talking about this yet. You need to wait until I am ready, this has been so traumatic.”

On being told that he had tainted my first weeks with our newborn DD because I found out about his affair when she was 5 weeks old “Dont be so melodramatic”

and my personal favourite….
“I love you so much that I am afraid of losing you, I cheated so that I wouldnt care if you left” Eh?! 6 months later and STILL no clue WTF that means!

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KarenE July 7, 2013 at 9:22 pm

EmmaPemma, I’ll translate for you! It means;

‘I will inflict any kind of pain on absolutely anyone, including the people I’m supposed to love the most, just so I don’t have to feel the slightest twinge of discomfort.’

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Rally Squirrel July 19, 2013 at 10:17 pm

OMfreakin’G, EmmaPemma. That last one is just about the sorriest reasoning for an affair I’ve ever heard. And he really expected you to buy it? Stunning.

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ANR July 7, 2013 at 10:27 pm

Wife about OM: “I didn’t realize at the time he was a womanizer.”
You’d think the fact he was cheating on his wife with a married woman (her) would have been a give-away.

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Tamara July 7, 2013 at 10:37 pm

Yeah…. I got something similar.

My ex had testicular cancer about 15 years before we split and had both testicles removed. Jump 15 years….. He had been seeing the OW for a while, and I guess she became pregnant and had to have an abortion (she was in her early 50s, so I have doubts, but hey, who am I to question her integrity…). When he told me about it he was genuinely mad…. really mad. “I didn’t even know she was seeing someone else.” Like somehow this makes her of less than stellar character.

Seriously? Do they think they are exempt from that whole, I dunno, commitment to US thing? Oh wait.. yes. Yes they do.

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ANR July 10, 2013 at 11:08 pm

Re marriage counselling: I’m not paying $170/h to be abused (I contribute two thirds of the household income, btw)

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ANR July 10, 2013 at 11:10 pm

Her: I never hear what you feel (in between marriage counselling sessions)
Me: When do I ever hear what you feel?
Her: It isn’t about me!

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Marles July 11, 2013 at 2:00 pm

I’ve had serious relationships with 2 of these types now, some of my favorites:
“She wouldn’t take no for an answer”
“I am just protecting you from me” (during a breakup 2 years in)
“She came over and made me cheeseburgers and wanted to talk, what was I supposed to do?” (not have sex with her)
and my favorite, when I told the decade long on/off ex that he could never treat me right and I was going to find someone who would: “that’s not fair. you say things like that to hurt me on purpose, if I’ve hurt you I’ve never meant to” i.e. I cheated on you because I wasn’t thinking about you at all, so it doesn’t count that it hurt you.
UGH.

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Whit July 11, 2013 at 3:55 pm

“Haven’t you ever heard of sowing wild oats?!”
“It doesn’t matter to me, they didn’t mean anything.”
“I’m broken and I have low-self esteem. I haven’t felt good about myself for a long time, before you”
&
“Because they knew me when I was about something”

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Yoder July 13, 2013 at 10:44 am

Yesterday, this one took the cake.

“Happy Anniversary.”

Me: What?

“It is our Anniversary.

Me: “That is the last thing I wanted to be reminded of.”

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Sammie D May 14, 2014 at 10:50 pm

My X this weekend had our kids, even though it was mothers day would not drop them home early so they could come to church with me. “If they are with him, they are with him” Cant wait till you want them on one of my weekends. No I had to go and collect them after they had gone to church with him.( from the church we all attended as a family prior to his confession 5 months ago, I left but that another story) I get the kids in the car, about to drive away and X walks across to my car head up big grin on his face waits for me to put window down and says “happy mothers day”. Wow “tool.

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Jada July 15, 2013 at 11:29 am

This one –

“it was a mistake, I told her it was a mistake” this as he was planning to shack up with her in a motel that very afternoon.

Oh and he saw a yellow bruise on his chest and he tried to argue it was “not there yesterday” uh yeah it was, it is a hickey that has turned yellow because she bit you while in the motel a few days ago. He asked me had I noticed it before, yep the next morning after it happened.

We sleep in separate bedrooms btw until divorce is final. I do see him without his shirt but you would think if they have a hickey they would keep it covered. Gee whiz if I were a cheater I would make sure no hickeys or rug burns…LOL

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ddame23 July 15, 2013 at 3:58 pm

Husband grew up Catholic and chose to not engage in intercourse when he was in college. He told me his affair with an 18 year old college freshman (who is his former student) was an attempt to “correct” the things he felt he missed out on by not engaging in sex when he was in college himself. I asked if there were any other things from his youth he needed to correct. He said, “I am a teenager”. My hushand is 37.

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Kara July 16, 2013 at 6:29 pm

That is one of the most immature, ill-thought out excuses for an affair I’ve ever heard. Seriously.

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EmmaPemma July 16, 2013 at 6:41 pm

Wow! Someone clearly didnt plan their “oh shit, what if she finds out” speech well enough!

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ANR July 15, 2013 at 9:44 pm

(In couples therapy) “I guess I didn’t realized he (me) felt humiliated by it (the affair). I knew he was sad, but humiliated? I hadn’t thought of that.”

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kb July 20, 2013 at 11:34 pm

Because nothing makes you feel better than knowing the partner whom you trusted above all else decided to cheat.

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namedforvera July 15, 2013 at 9:46 pm

But I was in California! (!)

(We lived in Massachusetts…making him…a 100% Masshole!)

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EmmaPemma July 16, 2013 at 6:44 pm

ANother one via text tonight

“Why do you have to make this all about what I did?”

Ermm…because I didnt have an affair and cheat on my pregnant wife and convince her that she was mentally ill (instead of 100% correct in her suspicions) and take anti depressants during her pregnancy and you did?

Wanker.

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Kara July 16, 2013 at 11:47 pm

“Why do you have to make this all about what I did?”

Uhhhhmmmm…and I’m just going out on a limb here….beeeecccaaaauuse you did it?

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Mel July 17, 2013 at 10:42 am

When I went to the Dr. and learned I had an STD, I suggested he tell whoever he was sleeping with so they could go get fixed. He stared at me for an awkward moment and said nothing. A few hours later, after he let the news sink in, he suggested that maybe it wasn’t him who cheated. How did he know it wasn’t me. For an insane moment, I thought maybe he was right, I just didn’t remember! Arrgh!

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Datdamwuf July 31, 2013 at 12:00 pm

OMG, when I informed my ex of STI:

he said: “You must have gotten it from that skank you fucked before me
I said: “that was 17 years ago, so no I’ve not had it for all those years and he wasn’t a skank”
he said: “then you cheated on me, AP is too sweet and good to have anything like that”
I said: “fuck you”
he called me the C word and proceeded to berate me, I really don’t think his AP gave it to him now, I think a different one did and he never told the woman he was/is with about it at all. A complete asshole he is.

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Julie July 17, 2013 at 4:02 pm

Ah, my STBXH said in a recording I made with him and the OW(caught ya!), my favorite one:

referring about me to OW “She really needs to get her priorities straight”,

says my lying scumbag of a husband when he was sneaking around with her and cheating. Yes….yes…. dear… I am definitely the one who has their priorities all screwed up!!!

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Can'tWaitToBeFree July 17, 2013 at 5:08 pm

New here, love all the posts. Here are two of my favorite quotes.

Early on in the marriage, I had an abnormal pap and had to have a cervical biopsy to determine if I had an HPV infection. After I told the husband about the possibility of an HPV infection, he freaked out. He said, “You know how people always say this isn’t true, but what if you got it from a toilet seat.” Fortunatly for me the biopsy was negative, but what a chump – I should have examined that statement a LOT more closely.

Fast forward 10 years. As I am reading my DD’s texts, I find one from her to her father saying, ” I hate you because you are cheating on mom with Ms. Jess and I know because Brett told me”. My first offical “discovery”. I talked with DD who told me that she was told all about her father’s indiscretions on the playground in front of all of her friends by this Brett (a friend of the mistresses son). When I confronted the husband about this revalation, he of course denied, denied, denied. Finally he admits to the affair. When I tell him about the conversation with DD, he screams, “You should not be talking to her about this.” Right, because we should just let her be humiliated alone and keep it all bottled up inside. The best part….He says, “Brett hurt her, not me. I didn’t do anything wrong.” He still continues to state this today.

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EmmaPemma July 17, 2013 at 5:10 pm

Wow, that is something else! So the person who told her is the bastard and not him? That is another level in self delusion!

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EmmaPemma July 17, 2013 at 5:08 pm

And the latest doozy
“FFS, you are making this all about YOU and how YOU feel! What about me?”

Oh boo fucking hoo. I dont want you and neither does she, get over it dickhead.

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Janet July 17, 2013 at 6:07 pm

This from a text to the OW I read on the “secret cell phone” How can you go out with him? He cheated you but I truely love you.” WTF you are cheating on your wife doesn’t that count?

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Denise July 19, 2013 at 3:15 pm

He told me “I guess I was born to play.”

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Rally Squirrel July 19, 2013 at 10:07 pm

When I busted him for flying INTO Miami for work but taking the train all the way across the state and flying OUT of Tampa, where the mystery woman he described as “a friend” lived, I got to have this lovely exchange with him:

“I just wanted to visit her. But I didn’t stay at her place.”

“Then where did you stay for two nights? Where are the hotel receipts?”

Clanking sound of gears turning. “Okay, I did stay at her place, but I slept in the spare room.”

“Be very careful now. I’ve just caught you in a lie within the last 30 seconds.”

(Long pause.) “Okay, I did sleep in her room, but we didn’t have sex.”

“You had NO sex at all? Even oral sex?”

“Okay, yes, we had oral sex.”

“Giving or receiving?”

“Both.”

“And you’re telling me you didn’t have intercourse?”

“No.”

“You may as well tell me. I already think you slept with her.”

Longer pause. “Okay, yes. We did have sex.”

Ta-da!! Straight from the cheater’s playbook.

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mmburned July 22, 2013 at 7:57 am

OMG
I am so glad I am FAR AWAY from the CONSTANT DECEIT. That continuous string of half-truths, the stories that just don’t line up, the disappearing acts. There was never a straight answer. Like talking to a preteen who had too much to hide and couldn’t keep the “story” straight…
When I finally caught my STBX red handed and we talked on the phone (I left my business card on his windshield with a note on it) it was “Stephanie who?” (family friend) “You’re always so jealous and resentful” “what are you talking about” “she’s just a friend” then “it’s all over as of today” then “I always hoped you’d find someone else” (my reply was – I was married). And I – stupidly – went on for months with the PICK ME…. NEVER a straight answer NEVER.
I am SO GLAD it’s behind me but I just still have that rage in me.

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Rally Squirrel July 22, 2013 at 8:17 am

mmburned, it really is like talking to a preteen. Or a teen. Or possibly a toddler. You have to tease the real story out of them, as if they lack the developed brain, the maturity (at 42, no less), to communicate in a straightforward way with you.

Set aside for a moment the betrayal, the shocking quality of WHAT you’re talking about with them. On a purely practical level, it’s exhausting to try to communicate with someone this way, where the burden is on YOU to pull some semblance of the truth out of them.

The day I meet a man who actually behaves like a grown-up, I swear it’s going to feel so wonderfully strange! :)

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Rally Squirrel July 22, 2013 at 8:37 am

By the way, I just realized that the conversation I recounted above is very much like one you’d have with a toddler about a missing cookie.

“Did you eat that cookie?”

“No, I din’nt, Mama. Kitty did it.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yep.”

“Because you have some crumbs on your face.”

“No, I don’t, Mama.”

“Let’s go have a look in the mirror.”

“Oh. Oh. Oh.”

Like that. Except, you know, about eating pussy. Har!

Believe me, I do know what you mean about still feeling rage, mmburned. But, wow, there are also some choice moments of ridiculousness that thank g*d I can laugh at now.

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TKM April 26, 2014 at 9:32 pm

My dog turd told
me he wasn’t lying because I never actually caught him at the exact moment he was texting OW or thinking about OW so he was being truthful to me. OMG. Like dealing with a 5 year old.

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Mel July 22, 2013 at 8:48 am

I think we were married to the same man!

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mmburned July 22, 2013 at 12:16 pm

All true
WTF was I thinking? that it would get better? That I could fix it? That the magical light would shine on me again? 23 years and 70 pounds later – I finally got the picture and “Melanie come on down – you’ve just won a brand new life”!!! The 70 pounds were **poof** – but the regaining trust in humans has been a little longer coming.
AND Thanks Chump Lady for the platform you provide. Invaluable when so many sites reinforce the cake and gaslighting and ENTITLEMENT. Grow up man… be responsible for your choices, and stand up to being a FATHER – one who apologizes to his daughter instead of blaming it on the cat and the weather and whatever else comes to his feeble mind. Quit blaming ME for her lack of interest or desire to see you. It’s your bag bud. Pick it up and take ownership. Mr. HaHa always the drunk life of the party…What a sad sack and sorry excuse for a husband and father.

You all might love this.
He just lost his license for the month of May for a June ’12 drunk driving which he blamed on taking Ambien (so how again was your blood alcohol level at .16??)..
Two days after he got his liocense back he totalled his car by REAR-ENDING A PARKED CAR IN FRONT OF THE POLICE STATION… Guess what – he blamed it on his phone! I didn’t know phones had the opposable thumbs used for guiding a steering wheel but whatever. Karma’s a bitch ain’t it buddy.

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TKM April 26, 2014 at 9:37 pm

Shortly after dog turd moved out and in with OW he gets pulled over by for police for speeding 24 mph over speed limit. He also got cited for not having the license plate on the front of the car (not first time that has happened – he claims the plate ruins the lines of his car, oh brother ) and for his insurance card having just expired. He then whines to kid it is all my fault he was speeding and got ticket and had to appear in court because I didn’t give him the new car insurance card. Uh, your the one who cheated and moved out. Not my responsibility to take care of you any more.

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Adam July 24, 2013 at 1:03 pm

Me: Why did you do it?
Her: I thought you didn’t want me anymore. (I picked up that something was wrong right away and had been waiting on her hand and foot trying to bring her out of what I thought was a funk. It turned out it wasn’t a funk, but the usual detatchment that goes along with cheating.)
Me: I stood by you through cancer. I was bringing you beer in bed to cheer you up. I took care of the kids so you could go to bed early because you said you weren’t feeling well. At what point did you think I didn’t want you anymore?
Her: …

Me: Did you send him any pictures?
Her: No.
Me: No pictures at all?
Her: NO!
Me: Not one picture?
Her: No.
Me: What about this close up of your P?
Her: Oh. I thought you meant my face?
Me: Like this one after you got your hair done?
Her: …

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bogie July 25, 2013 at 7:03 am

During a discussion the next morning after he revealed to me he wouldn’t be home for a couple of nights to “go up north” – and no, I didn’t want to know why:

“I know what you are going thru and how you feel”

Really? You are not the one that after 28 years of marriage was told her husband isn’t happy and hasn’t been for years (I can’t find a single person who had that clue). Then, 2 weeks later is told that you have found someone (and have been unfaithful). You are not the one haveing to find an apartment, buy furniture, get STD tested etc. etc,

NO, you definitely DON’T know how I feel!

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bogie July 25, 2013 at 7:12 am

Oh, and you know how humiliating it is to have to call the doctor’s office and explain to a complete stranger how your husband has been with another woman so you need to get tested for STD’s as a precaution? REALLY????

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MissFake July 22, 2014 at 6:23 am

Yep. You have to believe everything. If you confront, you’re a psycho. But we all know. If guys are disappearing and not missing us from the road or inviting us along, something rotten in Denmark.

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bogie July 25, 2013 at 7:12 am

Oh, and you know how humiliating it is to have to call the doctor’s office and explain to a complete stranger how your husband has been with another woman so you need to get tested for STD’s as a precaution? REALLY????

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ddame23 July 25, 2013 at 7:41 am

I’m just a better boyfriend than husband.
I think I need coaching to become a better husband.

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Yoder July 25, 2013 at 9:42 am

Bogle, “…after 28 years of marriage was told her husband isn’t happy and hasn’t been for years ” I eventually found an email to a friend of my pet snake. The friend lives in Mexico and in the email, he says, “We have not had a marriage since 2002.” That is over a decade.

He tells someone in another country something like this, but not me? I was right here, in the same house and he didn’t bother to even mention it to me.

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bogie July 25, 2013 at 10:51 am

Yeah – that is great isn’t it?

I was told that he wasn’t happy all that time, just couldn’t talk about it. I asked him how I was supposed to know if he said nothing.

[crickets]

Me: “So was I supposed to ask every 2 weeks if you were happy? Would you have told me the truth if I had asked?”

[crickets]

And he never had a problem telling me he loved me (several times a day), now it turns out he doesn’t? AARRGGHH!

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Mel July 25, 2013 at 11:35 am

After reading these comments, I think we were all married to the same person! I used to think I was in this alone. Now I realize I am surrounded by good company! Thanks for making me feel sane again! Love this site…

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mmburned July 25, 2013 at 11:49 am

Mel
Stay sane – you actually have been all along! “The Chumps” are somehow convinced to the contrary because we would otherwise have our whole value systems turned akilter. Yes – they convice us that WE are in the wrong WE are at fault WE are without value. And we take it – because how could we have possibly been so blind? Trust yourself, Mel. You’re all there.

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GladIt'sOver July 25, 2013 at 11:55 am

The morning after dday, now-ex left the house and sent a mass text message to basically everyone we know, both family and friends, telling them they should pray for us as our marriage was over. Hundreds of people got that text. Very, very few even knew we were having problems (hell, I didn’t even really know we were having such problems). I heard about the text (he didn’t send it to me) when a close friend called me in tears.

He sent that text just 1.5 hours after walking out of the house. We aren’t junior high kids, this was a man in his 40s announcing the end of a 20 year marriage via text message to his entire contacts list. Just one more stunningly inappropriate, bizarre and humiliating action to add to the many others he committed.

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Rally Squirrel July 25, 2013 at 7:18 pm

GladIt’sOver — your line about “one more stunningly inappropriate, bizarre and humiliating action to add to the many others he committed” reminded me of one my then-husband did after had I discovered his 18-month long affair and we had agreed to a six-month trial separation.

(He ended up buying a condo during this separation. Which was my first clue that maybe his definition of “trial separation” was quite different from mine.)

Anyway, one day while he was out of town, I got a text from him. I opened it and it was a full-length photo of him standing totally naked, posing suggestively and with an erection.

I was gobsmacked. Why would he imagine I would be receptive to that under the circumstances, or that it would be remotely appropriate? One of my buddies told me that my dolt of a husband probably sent the same photo to his mistress. Double the thrill. See who responds more hawwtly!!

I did not respond hawwtly. At all. Mistress won that round, I guess. But I won the game. Cuz he’s with her now. ;)

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GladIt'sOver July 25, 2013 at 7:35 pm

OMG, that is EXACTLY the sort of thing my ex did. During bogus reconciliation, he sent me a text pic of himself naked. Except he accidentally ALSO SENT IT TO OUR TEEN SON. Thank God it wasn’t a pic of him with a boner or anything really graphic, but God, how gross for our son. And actually, gross for me too.

I would bet your ex intended that photo for his mistress and accidentally sent it to you, or you’re right and he sent it to both.

Back when we were married and still used a film camera, ex would almost always include a close up shot of his erect dick in every roll of film. Remember in those days, you’d send film off to be developed, and the pics were seen by all sorts of people at the lab. I’d pick up the photos and be surprised by some selfie of ex’s boner. LOL, I’d forgotten about that until now!

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GladIt'sOver July 25, 2013 at 7:37 pm

Have to add, the film photos of his dick were usually really weird. Like he’d be bending it in some odd position, or posing his dick on an apple, or the shot would be very artistically composed or angled. God, he is a freak.

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Rally Squirrel July 26, 2013 at 5:58 am

Good grief yes on the freak diagnosis, GladIt’sOver. For both our exes. Posing your penis on an apple, or bending it weirdly? You have to wonder what guys like them are looking for. Do they think every woman has a secret desire for boner portraits?

In my new life, I have no instances of that old feeling I used to have with my then-husband — that something just wasn’t quite right in his behavior. That his reactions were skewed enough from what mine would have been in a similar situation that I wondered which of us was the odd one.

I used to second-guess myself because he was so sparkly and fun with others that it often felt like it must be me that had the problem. One fantastic result of not having him in my daily life anymore is that I’m listening to and trusting my gut now, in ways I hadn’t done for most of the 20 years I was with him.

That one simple thing — listening to my wise, alert, fully functioning gut instincts — feels like I have gained this intimate friend who is always looking out for my welfare. The really cool thing is, that friend is me.

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Chump Princess July 25, 2013 at 5:06 pm

Okay, this is my first post, but I love this site. Chump Lady, you are my She-Ro!

After suffering years (almost 28) of emotional abuse from Mr. “I graduated in the top 1% of my NPD Class,” and had to flee the marital home because he was deliberately texting and calling the OW in front of my face (she participated by deliberately calling him and texting him practically non-stop), I was experiencing PTSD symptoms and was feeling suicidal (he is a serial cheater btw). With the help of my truly wonderful offspring and friends, I got myself into IC. Shortly thereafter, Mr. NPD Top 1% and I were having a conversation and we were discussing how close I came to committing suicide. His response? “Wow! If you had done that, the kids would REALLY never have forgiven ME. I mean, think about it – they would blame ME. That would have been horrible.” For years I would tell him, “You know, we have a really loving relationship – I’m in love with you and you’re in love with you.” What an asshole – and I say that while extending my apologies to innocent, unsuspecting assholes everywhere.

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EmmaPemma July 25, 2013 at 5:30 pm

Wow. I have heard some bullshit in my time but that takes the piss!

Well done you for escaping that vile man, and as for his OW, I wonder how she is valuing her “prize” now he has turned his EA eye onto her. Bet her enabling his abuse of you isnt quite so funny now. You’d kind of feel sorry for her, if she didnt totally f*****g deserve it!

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Kelly July 25, 2013 at 7:53 pm

Well Princess, good riddance to bad rubbish (no offense to garbage everywhere)! These guys are monsters. I believe my ex relished the idea of me being “crazy” or even attempting suicide, and he certainly engaged in mind-blowing gaslighting and betrayal, so he sure did his level best to get me there. Right after D-Day, he tried to tell his friends he left me because I have “mental problems.” (He must’ve forgot about the 17 yearsnof cheating and group sex I had finally discovered). That was 1 1/2 years ago. He still sometimes seems stunned that I’m doing so well and moving on without him….guess I upset his little plan and ruined his cover story. Bwahahahaha :)

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bogie July 26, 2013 at 5:53 am

My husband never wanted to text. He had a flip phone and didn’t need any other kind because he didn’t text hardly at all. When I texted him, it was to his work phone (a blackberry), which was the way he wanted it. A couple weeks before DDay, he decided he needed a phone he could text with more easily. He said it was because Jimmy kept texting his personal cell phone.

Well, now that he has his new phone, he is constantly texting and recieving texts – and I know all of it isn’t to Jimmy. Oh, and I never realized that he put a lock on his new phone until last week. Guess I’m lucky – at least there are no phone conversations while I’m around – yet.

Jesus, I was so blind!

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tamara July 25, 2013 at 5:14 pm

Welcome Princess!

I used to call my relationship “two people deeply in love. Both with the same person.”

Glad you have your kids and friends… priorities, sister.

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Chump Princess July 25, 2013 at 5:26 pm

Thank you Tamara. I love that description! So telling and so accurate. Everything in our lives usually revolved around him and his needs. I was so sad when he decided that he REALLY wanted to be with his latest side piece – she has been after him for over 20 years. She just recently divorced her third husband – and she’s a minister. She got a hefty divorce settlement and my STBXH has always felt that he should have been born into or acquire wealth – and now she can afford him so he’s out of the marriage. I have been no contact for a month now and it has actually been heavenly. I no longer have to be mind-fucked by the waterfall of shit and lies that constantly gush forth from his mouth. He told me that I would be better off without him – that I would blossom. I am going to do everything in my power to make that the one thing he has said in all of our time together that might actually be true.

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Kelly July 25, 2013 at 8:09 pm

One of my ex’s APs had an affair with him for 17 years, till I providently caught him and threw him out last year. She probably was wondering how stupid I could be–apparently I am a super-chump and thought my husband actually adored me as he always claimed, and that he was faithful. But after the first terrible weeks and months following D-Day passed, I found myself blossoming, and so will you, sister…ummm I mean Princess! While I don’t focus much on the AP’s you do have to wonder what kind of woman would be interested in doing that, what a pitiful existence.

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TKM April 26, 2014 at 9:48 pm

My dog turd was also constantly texting in front of
my daughter and me. She would get really upset with him. He claimed he was playing Words with Friends with a family friend – which was only partly true. All part of the lying by omission. He claimed we never caught j
at the exact
moment he was texting so it wasn’t lying. Gotta love
that logic.

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Yoder July 25, 2013 at 5:30 pm

Welcome abroad Princess Chump. It will be a bumpy ride.

Your words, “…he was deliberately texting and calling the OW in front of my face (she participated by deliberately calling him and texting him practically non-stop)” Really hit home. I kept telling him I knew what he was doing and it had to stop. He never stopped it and I finally got rid of ow permanently, but he just couldn’t get her out of his mind.

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Chump Princess July 25, 2013 at 9:34 pm

Thanks for the welcome Yoder. This was my second go round with the texting and calling. The first time (but not the first instance of cheating) was a few years back (she also had recently come into money – notice a pattern?) and was pretty intense. She had looked him up, called him and right way, they were madly in love and planning a future – he living the lifestyle of the rich and famous. I found out, we went for marriage counseling with a therapist who basically decided that if I were just more understanding and supportive (really? how much more about him can we make it?) my marriage would be blissful. I implemented her suggestions, the OW was vanquished, and my marriage was “blissful” for about 6 months. He went back to online porn, facebook and having EA’s (PA’s?) with co-workers. Enter childhood friend, woman who had offered herself up to him for an affair over 20 years ago, newly monied, fresh off her third divorce and Boom! he’s never been happy in the marriage and now he can finally be happy. “Do you think I will be happy living around rich people?” he asked me. Once I was able to get a physical distance, get into IC, do some reading and realize how I was living and that he is a serious NPD and covert aggressive, all I could think was Fuck That Guy! I am working on detaching emotionally, which is a longer haul. But I intend to get there – and at his suggestion – blossom. This site is a breath of fresh air for chumps like me. The interaction is empowering. Love you guys.

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Yoder July 26, 2013 at 8:51 am

I agree, Chump Lady and everyone here has helped save my sanity.

I remember way back, almost forty years ago, my pet snake and I were having a conversation (before we were married) and were discussing someone we knew who had cheated on their significant other. I clearly remember saying, “It might happen…ONCE.” His reaction was startling. It was obvious he knew cheating on me was a line in the sand he best not ever cross or I would be gone in a nano second.

All these years later, here I am, trying to figure out how to get away from him. Thankfully, I am finally emotionally detached and live in a world of indifference. It feels wonderful.

Hang in there, it does get so much better.

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DuckLinerUpper July 30, 2013 at 9:12 am

Upon telling him I want a divorce, my cheater said he didn’t understand why I wanted to leave him.

“The affair…..is that *it*?” (Meaning, is that the only reason?)

Seriously, he said that. You can’t make this stuff up.

Entitlement to the very end.

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Seriously September 1, 2013 at 10:27 pm

My cheater (7 months “in love” last year, while we were in counselling, plus sex with “a handful” of women over 10 years, but they were “irrelevant”) said the same thing: “I can’t believe you are taking this so seriously; I can’t believe you would leave me for this!” Cue tears, mournful expressions, and help in the kitchen.

Oh, and did you get this one? “I thought you were more open minded than that.”

Bless this blog for reminding me how messed up this is. It’s been so easy to forget when he is finally acting like a participant in the household.

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Yoder July 30, 2013 at 9:32 am

Duck, it is so hard to grasp the stupidity and naiveté of these cheaters. When they are in this frame of mind you cannot reason with them, you can’t believe them and you can hardly keep from hanging them up by their thumbs. About as far from reality as you can get without requiring men in white coats with butterfly nets. I have always wondered how they would feel if the shoe was on the other foot/ Not enough to cheat on him, but I have wondered if they would be hurt or just look at it as permission to continue their bad behavior.

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Angie August 6, 2013 at 12:16 pm

I actually asked my ex (husband at the time) if he would be ok with me doing what he had done with a “friend” from work.

Loonnnnggg pause, and then probably the only time he was honest with me, he said

“No, no I wouldn’t have been ok with it”.

By the way, he didn’t consider it cheating because he says that he didn’t have all out sex with her. Apparently kissing, petting, makeout sessions in his car on a gravel road after work, long and detailed convos online on everything from how bad a wife I was, to how much they loved each other and all the sexual things they’d like to do to each other. He bought her small gifts, took her to lunch, wrote her love letters and would tell her how when he was with me he was thinking of her.

Blech.

Interesting part is now that he’s free, she’s not interested.

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Datdamwuf July 31, 2013 at 12:20 pm

We attended an IMAGO marriage workshop, he said he couldn’t deal with the second day of the two day workshop. He got drunk and passed out. I read his workbook, in the section where we were to write down what upset us the most about our spouse he wrote:

“When she calls Sue a whore” (name of the AP). I woke his ass up and told him we were done, his response? “That was supposed to be private, you invaded my privacy again” and when I said I didn’t give a shit, he said: “you are 50% responsible for this affair”. When I told him he was 100% responsible for cheating he went into a rage and I left fast.

You can’t make this shit up, you really can’t.

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bogieb August 1, 2013 at 1:12 am

Yeah, you made him put his d**k in someone else.

I keep reading other sites about phases you go thru when you a find out about affairs / get divorced. One of the steps is “accepting your responsibility in this happening”. Yeah, I was 100% not aware that he was unhappy for years. None of friends and family knew it – and thought we were the perfect couple. I was supposed to read his mind. Oh, and he couldn’t have told me before he went and started the affair in May – instead waited until July 1 to mention his unhappiness, then a couple more weeks to mention his affair.

I refuse to take responsibility for anything more than trusting my partner of 28 years.

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GladIt'sOver July 31, 2013 at 12:26 pm

This wasn’t said to me, but tweeted by the ex. I don’t follow him on Twitter or anywhere else, but a friend occasionally looks at his insanity. A few months ago, he tweeted:

“It’s so hard when you are in love with another man’s wife.”

Who the fuck would tweet something like that? My friend said no one replied, maybe they were all stunned, too.

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Mel July 31, 2013 at 1:15 pm

Was he 6’2, bald and skinny? Sounds like my ex, almost exactly.

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Good Riddance August 3, 2013 at 9:00 pm

“She reminds me of you!”

“I just get bored with you sometimes.”

“Do you not trust me?”

“Why should everyone know we’re in a relationship? We both know we are and that’s all that matters.”

“I see her every day so I have to talk to her.”

Yeah, fuck you. Asshole.

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EmmaPemma August 3, 2013 at 9:08 pm

I have noticed that there are others that got the “you’d like her!” or “She reminds me of you” crap.

I am amazed at the self delusion that leads to a man convincing himself that his wife would really like the woman who helped rip her family apart if only “you got to know her”.

And dont get me started on “I didnt mean it to happen” Riiiiight. So you tripped and your dick just fell into her vagina!

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Jada August 6, 2013 at 12:40 pm

“I don’t get this at home” when caught reading a nasty email from his skank where she described in detail their last encounter. We were in reconciliation (or so I thought) and I walked up behind him as he was reading it. Just as he was about to reply I shouted REALLY? SO THIS IS HOW YOU WORK ON OUR MARRIAGE?

Of course then he starts blaming me for everything, trying to say this was the only email which I knew it was not because I have that password. In addition to the email, she sends 3 videos, up close videos of her going at it by herself then sent 3 pics of her ugly nastiness. WTH are people thinking to send that stuff over email? Do they not know it is not secure? OMG and the lady is near 60 years old. Not that anything is wrong with being 60, but dang why would she do this?

The “I don’t get this at home” really ticked me off. Never was told he wanted that at home *barf*

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Scaredmummy August 6, 2013 at 5:44 pm

On the day I gave birth to his child, “we had a connection – she is mortified by how this turned out.” Seriously – and how did your married skank, mother of two, think it would turn out when you guys started screwing when I was 4 months pregnant.

“I will always live you as the mother of my children” – please don’t you patronising arsehole.

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TKM April 26, 2014 at 9:57 pm

OMG – I got the same line – I will always love you as the mother of our child”. Unfortunately for snake in the grass neither child nor I will love him as former father and husband. We will
only remember him as cheater, lier and looser.

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lola August 7, 2013 at 12:04 pm

I like this website

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bogie August 8, 2013 at 5:59 am

Hubby said he was going to tell me what “happened with him”. but, decided that the time wasn’t right. we finally found him an apartment to move to next weekend and in the process he said he wasn’t going to be home this weekend (2 guesses where he will be.) I asked when we were going to have the talk he promised.

Him: Oh, I’ve been too busy to get my thoughts in order. I need to get them written down so I make sure I hit all the stuff.

Me: But you’ve had time to spend with her (he went on a weekend retreat with her a couple of weeks ago), and extra time to spend on work stuff – but no time to talk to me as you promised. I see, as usual I come in dead last on your priorities.

Him: I’m under a lot of stress.

Yeah, and I’m not. In 5 weeks I had a family member die, my 16 year old cat die, hubby of 28 years tell me he wasn’t happy and needed time alone, had to put my 13 year old dog to sleep, had hubby tell me he is having an affair with someone I know, have dealt with him being gone with her, searched for an apartment and furniture, and spend 12 hours a day between commute/work.

No, no stress here – you are the only one under stress. I didn’t ask for the explanation, you brought up the talk all by your lonesome A-hole.

He did finally say we would talk this Friday – I’m not holding my breath that he will even be home that night.

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tamara August 8, 2013 at 8:23 am

Oh Bogie~

Im so sorry you have to go through this and you are where you are. It truly sucks. I remember the incredulousness, the abject pain. On lucky days you are just numb. My true DDay was three and a half years ago, and I have been gone for about a year and a half. When I was finally alone, I became obsessed with the “why”s and “when”s. I still think about times when things didn’t seem right between us and wonder if he was banging another whore (his particular preference). Now, though, it is just idle curiosity, and I always assume he was. It just hurts a lot less now. Like… not at all.

Where you are blows… it really does. It will get better. Read and re read Tracy’s posts. Of particular help to me was “trust that they suck” and “Untangling the skein of fuckedupedness.” I’m sure you will find your personal favorites. And keep moving forward. There’s a bunch of chumps here that have been where you are. We KNOW how you feel. We all hate that cheaters assume they’re above any repercussions for (temporarily) destroying someone. They’re not. They’re not special… they just suck. They always will…. and they always have.

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bogie August 9, 2013 at 2:41 am

Thanks for the support Tamara! Trust me, reading stuff here has been a whole lot more helpful that anything else I’ve read (especially that crap about how I should accept my part in making this happen). I have ok days and bad days, but this week has been more ok than bad.

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Kara August 9, 2013 at 3:53 pm

CL is great, isn’t she? You won’t find any of that bs telling you to take responsibility for your cheater’s shitty choices.

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Janet August 8, 2013 at 6:10 pm

Bogie: so sorry to hear what an awful time you have had lately and STILL you had the time to find HIM an apartment. Get the OW to help him. Who cares what he has to say. Trust me 1/2 of what he will tell you will be self serving b sh-t.

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Kara August 8, 2013 at 11:35 pm

Janet is absolutely right. Don’t waste your time, don’t hold your breath, don’t even bother. Even if he does decide he suddenly has time. I promise you, “what’s up with him” is just going to be a load of self-righteous bullshit about how you weren’t good enough.

There is NOTHING he will say that won’t be self-serving and contrived. All he will do is blameshift, gaslight, and basically tell you that you drove him to the arms of someone else because you didn’t do XYZ right and he had no choice. It’s all complete CRAP.

Don’t give him the opportunity to dump on you, because he will. If he needs to find an apartment, let the OW do it. Have HER cater to his ass. You’ll see how fast the fantasy wears off when suddenly there’s the responsibilities of a real relationship attached to it.

Don’t let that be your problem. Let it be theirs. Get your ducks in a row and don’t look back.

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bogie August 9, 2013 at 2:38 am

The apartment thing is something we will share (not at the same time). He will have it until January or so, then I will have it. I know this sounds f’ed up, but when the snow flies there is no way I will be able to take care of getting the driveway cleared of snow myself. Hubby has all the equipment to do so, so I’m making him take over the hard work and I will be in the apartment where all I have to do is move my car.

Just weird circumstances until we can get the house in shape for selling – which should be next spring.

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Victoria August 20, 2013 at 7:13 pm

My ex wife and I are just friends. We moved in together as flatmates so she could be closer to her mum who lives near by. We sleep in separate rooms.
Sorry you can’t come over to my house because I don’t want to rub my relationship in her face

This is after 2.5 years together and him constantly delaying moving in with me

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Janet August 20, 2013 at 7:42 pm

Are you the OW? if so you deserve what you get. If not well I quess you could say he is a cake eater.

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Victoria August 20, 2013 at 11:04 pm

Janet, he is a cake eater. He was separated and living apart from his wife 6 months before we even got together. In the 2.5 years we have been together he hasn’t lived with her to my knowledge as I have been to his flats, etc. I feel like the other woman even though I’m innocent. His moving in with her has come completely out of the blue and left me devastated. I don’t even know how this came about. As recently as 2 days ago he was telling me how much he loved me

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GreenGirl August 20, 2013 at 11:25 pm

You are the OW. You claim you’ve been to his flats – could be his and maintained without the knowledge of his wife, could belong to some friends of his – but you thought he was divorced. As to how this came about, he’s used to you so now you’re boring. Between the choice of which boring person to dump he chose the one he didn’t have to pay alimony to. Now he can either get the drama of you both chasing him, or move on to another girl who will listen to his sob story and spread her legs while still keeping his wife.

You sound like the first type of affair partner, less to blame than someone who knew he was happily married. Now you have a choice to either walk away and get a real life with a real man, or throw yourself fully into the role of the affair partner. If you take the later option then know he’ll be telling his wife, “see! She just threw herself at me. I love you, she just wont leave me alone,” while seeing how far you’ll go to get him back. If you go with the former, expect him to either forget you completely, or love-bomb you until you supply kibbles again.

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Victoria August 21, 2013 at 12:00 am

But he told me she knew about me, that he told her he was seeing someone. It makes me feel sick at the thought of being the other woman. I never would have entered the relationship in the first place if I had known. How could I have known? Now not only do I feel betrayed, I feel disgusted in myself. I want to walk away and find a real man.

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Victoria August 21, 2013 at 12:01 am

I feel more like he has lead a double life, keeping us both in the dark

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bogieb August 21, 2013 at 2:40 am

Yeah – well my hubby told me about the other woman in his life too. He was still married to me, living with me, and had been sleeping with me up until that point. Then he was spending weekends with her (rubbing my face in the fact he had another woman) until the day he finally got his own apartment and moved out. Just because I knew about her, did not make it right, nor mean that I didn’t care, nor di it mean I gave him my blessing to be with her!

Sorry if you thought differently.

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EmmaPemma August 21, 2013 at 3:32 am

Give her a break, she isnt the first person to be taken in by a liar, after all you were and so was I!

He said he was seperated and she had no reason to not believe him, I dont think that hauling her over the coals will help her self esteem will it?

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Victoria August 21, 2013 at 4:03 pm

Thanks EmmaPemma as this is exactly the truth. I had no reason to believe he was with her. Especially as I knew 100% for certain he was not living with her. His roommate was a friend of mine and I know he slept there every night of the week. To find out I am the OW is equally as devastating for me as it would be for her if she found out. I immediately walked away from the relationship. That pig doesn’t deserve me or any happiness. it disgusts me and I wish I had not wasted years of my life on him

GreenGirl August 21, 2013 at 2:40 am

“But he told me she knew about me.” People lie. If you’re on this website for ten minutes you’ll figure that out. Have to work late – We’re just friends – I never said that – It’s a trip with my friends – I love you.

Question: How can you tell a cheater is lying?
Answer: They open their mouth.

There’s an article in the archives about a woman who realized too late that her boyfriend was married and hiding it from her. You might want to go back and find that.

“I want to walk away and find a real man.” Then do it. Mail him his stuff. Then block his number, don’t answer his emails, change the locks if he has a key, if he meets you on the tube or is waiting outside your place put in headphones and don’t reply, ignore all smoke signals and carrier pigeons. Do not try to wean yourself off. Do not try to figure out why or justify taking him back. Check out “Pick-Me Dance” and “Untangling the Skein”. You don’t have kids with him, you don’t have to work out alimony or visitation rights. If you have a place together or share bank accounts finish that up fast (if he doesn’t have another girl he’ll try to drag this out for kibbles).

If your place is on fire, you grab the stuff you can carry that’s most important to you and you get out of there. You don’t go back into a burning building because the wallpaper was so nice and maybe if you stand inside with teaspoons of water something can be saved. You get out. It sucks that your home is burning down. It sucks that all the stuff you couldn’t grab will be destroyed or badly damaged. It sucks that you now have to find a new place to live. You didn’t hear the smoke alarms girl and now there’s flames. It sucks. I’m sorry.

But grab what you can and get out of the building before you get burned deep enough to leave scars.

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lulu April 20, 2014 at 10:56 am

Wow, what you wrote here is so true…thank you for posting this (just about one year ago I see you posted it — and it is still true one year later):

“If your place is on fire, you grab the stuff you can carry that’s most important to you and you get out of there. You don’t go back into a burning building because the wallpaper was so nice and maybe if you stand inside with teaspoons of water something can be saved. You get out. It sucks that your home is burning down. It sucks that all the stuff you couldn’t grab will be destroyed or badly damaged. It sucks that you now have to find a new place to live. You didn’t hear the smoke alarms girl and now there’s flames. It sucks. I’m sorry.

But grab what you can and get out of the building before you get burned deep enough to leave scars.”

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Yoder August 21, 2013 at 7:15 am

EmmaPemma, I thought the same thing when I read that. We are here to support each other. We all have struggled with the guilt, the pain, and the anger. And the points in time when we felt we could not figure out the financial crisis. All cheaters are liars and they continue to lie. They are not to be trusted. We have all learned our lessons the hard way. Thank goodness for Chump Lady’s insight.

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Lisa August 21, 2013 at 7:57 am

Sometimes cheaters lie … correction, most of the time cheaters lie. I don’t think anyone will hold it against you if you truly didn’t know he was married … but the test of character is what you do now that you DO know.

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Yoder August 21, 2013 at 12:44 pm

Best analogy I have ever seen. When I was a little girl our house burned down and all I had was the pajamas I was wearing. You are absolutely correct. Sometimes, just getting out with your life is more than enough to run like a stuck pig. Thanks for articulating this so well.

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Victoria August 21, 2013 at 4:06 pm

Thanks all, I’ve walked away. I did immediately. I would never knowingly be the OW. However walking away doesn’t make it hurt any less. He used me and lied to me. I don’t understand how anyone could do that to another human being.

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Janet August 21, 2013 at 7:30 pm

True story afriend of mine met a man on a dating web site. They met casually for a few dates: his story he lived about 100 miles away very involved with his business. Divorced. This casual dating went on for awhile and then got more involved. When she asked about his living arrangements he stated small batchelor studio slept most nights in his office. After about 3 yrs he gave her an engagement ring but wanted to take it slow. Wanted to buy a house together go look at some. Then he started backtracking and she was getting suspicious. Her son and exH were already suspicious. Long story short He was married. The ring was zirconium. She was baffled and hurt. Completely unaware of this. Was ashamed because she was the OW. So people can get taken in.

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Victoria August 21, 2013 at 7:58 pm

I just read Linda’s post from the archives (thanks Greengirl) wow did that ring true for me. Except for the part when she continued on with him when she found out. I haven’t and will not do that. Chump Lady, do I tell his wife?. Thinking about this over the last few days, I bet he told her exactly the same things he said to me “I’m not ready to move back in with you until I have a permanent job” “I want to pay off all my debt before I move back in” I know he wasn’t living with her, so surely he strung her along just like it turns out he did to me. The difference it when it came to choosing time, it was her (don’t be thinking I am going to play the pick me game here, I am better than that as I do not want to be with the egomaniac prick for another second) but it does hurt when someone tells you they love you more than they ever did their ex wife and wants to be with you forever.
So if I tell her, surely he will just talk her out of believing it and get aggressive at me and I’m not ready for that. He is a VERY convincing liar. How do I know?, because I am a smart, successful woman and he kept me believing they were separated for for 2.5 years. He never once gave me a reason to think otherwise.
Its only been 3 days since I found out I was the OW, everything is still very raw.
I have a lot of emails, texts, photos etc to back up anything I would say to her but it seems pointless as I am putting myself in a position to receive backlash from her as I have 100% confidence the conniving pig will talk her around.
Help

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Janet August 21, 2013 at 8:47 pm

You should tell her; maybe she already knows, maybe she doesn’t care maybe she will try and kill the messenger bu in her place wouldn’t you want to be told.

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Janet August 22, 2013 at 6:07 am

Victoria; cheaters are liars, I think once they start leading a duplictous life it just starts getting easier for them. I know it did for my H. We are still together but I don’t think for much longer. He tells me that he and OW are not in contact. I know they are because I know where he hides his “secret” cell phone and I read the text messages. And I know she thinks I don’t know about her ( she is a dumb bitch) and that he won’t leave me because he doesn’t want to hurt me. I’m sure he has told her this. Liar Liar Pants on Fire

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Alpha August 22, 2013 at 8:22 am

Hows this….

“I never thought you trusted me, so I had an affair to prove you never trusted me. See! I was right!”

This is the explanation I got.

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Karen September 17, 2013 at 1:07 pm

Yup, there’s something about cheating that seems to bring on sudden mental retardation. How can someone even SAY that with a straight face?

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Yoder August 22, 2013 at 10:38 am

Greengirl, atta girl! Tell it like it is. There is no way to win with a cheater. Drop them like a dirty diaper and run.

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LetGo! August 25, 2013 at 9:35 am

After more than 2 years of serious relationship I found out he had an (supposedly non consumed) emotional affair with one of our common friend, for the past… more than 2 years! Here’s his best of over the 3 phone conversations that followed in the 3 weeks it took me to tell him to back off: ( not in chronological order)
” My feelings were honest even if my actions weren’t” ( WTF??)
” I would only see her when I had doubts about us” ( Oh thank you, so considerate of you)
” It’s only because i had doubts about us the whole time that I kept pursuing her, it’s not because I felt attracted to her the whole time that i had doubts about us. ” ( Why the heck was he ever with me on the first place?!)
” Sometimes I wouldn’t contact her cos it was inappropriate and i guess i wanted to focus on my relationship with you”
” I would have left you if it had reached the point where i definitely knew it’s her I wanted to be with” ( I should be grateful I guess?)
” Sometimes i wondered if maybe it’s her I should be with rather than you, but I was feeling so confused I thought i just see where it goes” ( for over 2 years!)
” I’m sorry you’re hurting but i’m not sorry about what I’ve done”
“Honestly, I don’t feel one bit of guilt at all. ”
“You need to take responsibility for yourself! I don’t wanna have to talk about it again”
“Believe it or not we always bear in mind that we had to respect you. I even pushed her away at times”
” We never had sex cos she never put it across to me hard enough” ( ????!!! I don’t get it)
” We didn’t have sex cos i had this image of your face being so hurt if i had to tell you about it one day.”
” I didn’t tell you I was seeing her cos you would have been suspicious of her and I”
” I didn’t tell you I was seeing her cos I wanted to be alone with her”
” You never had all of my heart”
” I have been dishonest but I never lied!”
“I love you.”
“I deleted all our chats and texts history cos I knew you’d be upset if you read it”
” I thought what I had with her was ok as long as you didn’t know about it.”
” What have i done?? I haven’t slept with her did i? So stop making a big deal out of nothing! ” ( yelling on the phone)
“We don’t speak anymore because I told her I wanted to be with you and sort things out. She got hurt and upset. She said she doesn’t wanna speak to me anymore. See I chosen you over you then. Hope you’re happy now! Otherwise what to do.”
” She was so upset I had to tell her my feelings for her and what we had was real”
“I never said that! I’m not entering in your negative fantasy world” (a week later)
“I haven’t cheated on you! I only had feelings for her! I was only attracted to her, emotionally and physically”
“I wanted to spend the weekend with you but now that you brought that sh*t again being still upset about it, you made me change my mind me and i rather go surfing and see my mates and forget about anything that troubles my mind. Why would I wanna see you when you upset with me? Don’t call or text me.”
” You bring the worst out in me and I want to go forward”
“I’m sure we both will find much happier endings than this one we’re experiencing now”
” Believe it or not: I love you. I care for you so much”
” I can’t be part of us anymore. Accept this and let go. X. Good Bye” (by text message)

Seriously, does anyone get it? I have been feeling like i’m going crazy, and so confused in trying to patchwork his words and understand what actually happened between those 2.
Then I felt guilty, ashamed, lost, confused, humiliated with a good icing of deep sadness over it all and a solid crust of pain. Having fun fun fun being dumped by that (42 yo!) guy after almost a month trying to forgive him and move on from that story so I wouldn’t bring it up anymore (which would make him deeply annoyed at best, FURIOUS at worst, at me, each time) so we could start things over again. And i keep thinking…what if really what they had was not much at all and i just wrecked our chances of making it back together by being so sensitive and hurt over it?? Maybe he’s right, maybe I’m gone crazy, maybe if they didn’t have sex I shouldn’t call it cheating and feel cheated on? Maybe it is my own insecurities and past experiences of being (physically) cheated on that makes it look so bad. Then I have to remember his violent outbursts of rage to remind myself I’m better off without him any way. Thanks god your blog exists!!! It gave me the strength to tell him to back off last week and it worked, he stopped contacting me and giving me his “go away/come back here” rides for me to jump on:( Oh shame.

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GladIt'sOver August 25, 2013 at 11:04 am

The whole time I was reading that astounding bowl of word salad your ex served up, I was picturing him as being maybe in his early to mid 20s. Then I got to where you wrote he is 42! You are so much BETTER OFF without that immature, pathetic douchebag. Good Lord, what a loser. You need him 100% out of your life, and within a short time the fog will clear. You’ll look back on that insanity and wonder how you could have stayed as long as you did.

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LetGo! August 26, 2013 at 6:03 am

Thank you so much Gladit’sOver! I felt quite pathetic myself for regurgitating on a blog some of my story, but since a week that i finally had the guts to block him off my life, I still have some hours where i really struggle and start doubting of my appreciation of the situation and choice again! The shame of being so addicted to him combined with the pain of being betrayed and abandoned is just full on to me! Then i read some of the stories here, people who have to deal with betrayal and heavy cheating after 20 or 30 years of marriage! Ouch! I really feel for all of you who invested so much of their precious life in some of those heartless cheaters, narcissistics and other borderlines. I can’t fathom your pain when i hurt so much and fear for my sanity after only 2 years of it! The big downer in my case is that we share the exact same circles of friends in a low populated area and it’s gonna be tough work avoiding him, and resisting the temptation of exposing who he really is to all of his (mostly females indeed) “fans”. I also find it hard not getting down on my self for ending up in another toxic relationship, again!!, i’m getting less worse overtime at choosing them though, my first partners would hit me on top of it and one even tried to kill me by strangulation when i confronted him with the evidence of his “serial cheating”. At least this one “only” threatened to bash me and only once. I obviously have a lot more inner work to do on my core issues and childhood traumas before daring trusting my choice again in who i’m becoming in love with and risking being attracted to another deranged cheater!

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Janet August 25, 2013 at 10:00 am

Letgo: I get it. about a year ago I discovered my huband of 23 yrs was texting an old girlfriend he reconnected with on facebook. Long story short: They talk and text almost every day on the “secret” cell phone I found and monitor regularly. He has told me he wants a divorce so he can amrry her. He has told her he doesn’t want to hurt me WTF. He is a cake eating SOB He may have had sex with her once or twice about 8 ms ago but hasn’t seen her since even though she only lives about 100 miles from here. Emoitional cheating is Cheating. I am making plans to move out soon.

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Victoria August 26, 2013 at 12:30 am

Janet, it sounds like you have been through such a hard time. It’s so hard to walk away, what chump lady said about relationships being an investment and the more you invest the harder it is to walk away, that is how I felt about my relationship until recent events.
It’s been 1 week now since I found out I was the OW. in that time I have had good days (feeling positive and that life will go on) Angry days just hating him and incredibly sad days. Today is a sad day. Tomorrow I am heading overseas to a friends wedding that was to be a holiday we were having together, After months of excuses why we couldn’t book plane tickets (I have a savings plan, I just don’t have enough money yet, or I just need to pay off my car first) I got sick of waiting and booked my tickets. I realize now he probably never intended to come in the first place, How would he have explained that to his wife! This should be a happy trip for me but I feel incredibly sad about it. And I feel lonely, It was so hard not to contact him this weekend, but I did it.
I keep going over and over in my head texts I have read and trying to figure out the ones that don’t make sense and what they mean. I’m trying to keep busy but I wish I could get him out of my mind. This is shit

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LetGo! August 26, 2013 at 6:32 am

Yep. I guess at some point all of us really need to stop loving them more than we love ourselves!! Stopping trying to make sense out of their non-senses is a really tough one, but as i observe myself doing it, i really think we MUST let go of trying to “control” that reality of “what happened”, it just did, they suck, it sucks, now let’s at least not go mental over it on top of feeling miserable and hurt. And perhaps it’s a good sign that we can’t get it nor get them, no matter how refine, brilliant and empathetic our analysis and reasoning, it means we’re not twisted and self-obsessed like them!

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LetGo! August 26, 2013 at 6:18 am

Ouch! Feeling you Janet! And thanks heaps for the reminder that emotional cheating is Cheating! My ex done a good job at convincing me it’s not a big deal, when my feelings are actually saying that it hurts just as much, or even more, than years ago when I “used to” get cheated on with one night stands randoms. That a man shares his penis and orgasms with another woman is sickening, but i’m with you, when they also share their hearts, affection and intimacy with them is heart-disintegrating. May your plans of moving out become reality sooner rather than later. Your husband doesn’t deserve one more second of your life and energy from what i’m getting. Leave him to her, he’s a poisoned gift. Look forward, life is making room around you so you can receive much better!!:)

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chumpattny August 31, 2013 at 11:12 am

“When I was in high school I used to be able to have multiple boyfriends, and have sex with them, sometimes several in a day, without any of them ever knowing. ”
Said to me about a decade into our marriage, and after she had racked up some (at that point) 13+ affairs that I only discovered after she left me (she was kind enough to leave a list behind).

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Kara August 31, 2013 at 11:51 am

….why did she get married?

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chumpattny August 31, 2013 at 10:13 pm

Ya know… I never asked her that after she left. I was too busy hurting and trying to unravel the skein.

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chumpattny August 31, 2013 at 10:17 pm

But since she could never tell me why she tried suicide twice in our marriage, I don’t expect she’d have an answer to this question either.

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Kara August 31, 2013 at 11:03 pm

You’d think someone who is not only into having as many partners as possible but BRAGS about it would not be the marrying type. But then again someone who is proud of how many guys she can juggle probably doesn’t really think logically either.

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Yoder September 1, 2013 at 11:50 pm

Seriously, I am trying to get my shit together and yes, I need to remind me why I want out. He just doesn’t get the fact that he did not step over a line drawn in the sand, it was the Grand Canyon and he fell head over heels into it. We fell in love to begin with, because we had the same values. His just didn’t stay with him until death do us part. I have found that once I got past the pain and onto finding me again, it was not until then, that unraveling the skein was possible, because I was finally, objective. It beaame interesting and I was so glad I have taken the time to pigeon hole everything in tidy little boxes. Makes thinking a whole lot clearer…no emotional connections.

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bogieb September 3, 2013 at 4:28 pm

Hubby told me he was “unhappy” and needed some time to figure out what he wanted on June 30. Two weeks later he said he was “seeing someone”. Once I got past that shock, I asked him if I needed to get tested for STD’s (meaning, did he know her carnally before the last time we had sex – June 29). Upon hearing he thought she was ok, I asked explicitly, and got the answer that yes he had slept with her while sleeping with me. At that point I decided I had to get tested to protect both my health and my peace of mind.

A couple days later he came home all happy with himself – saying he had asked her and “she said she gets tested yearly because she doesn’t trust her [live in] boyfriend, so she is clean”.

There was not a hint that he got what all kinds of irony was in that statement. He truly thought that would make me relieved. He is really that clueless! Plus, he was so happy that he could demonstrate that he had the balls to ask her.

To me, that means I have no idea how many people I was exposed to (and does she really get tested because of her BF – or because she sleeps around – or both?).

Had the blood drawn a couple of weeks ago and got my test results today at my yearly physical and so far I am in the clear. However, doc says that the Heps and HIV can take 6-8 months to come up positive, so I still have to go for more testing in February. Also, she suggested I go ahead and get the Hep B prevention series anyway – so I have started that.

I so want him to know how much of a bother all this is mentally, emotionally, time-wise, and how many nurses and doctors I had to tell my husband had been with another woman when they asked why the tests were needed – what a blow to the ego! I so want to text him the good news of negative results, but the bad news of more testing down the line. But I also understand that if he was so clueless about the irony of the situation, he wouldn’t get anything out of it if I did try to tell him about all this – so I will stay silent.

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BubblestheJellyfish September 6, 2013 at 11:50 am

This one still blows my mind years later….

Sitting in MC with X and myself.
Counselor says: In order to work on your marriage you are going to need to get rid of your new friends and focus on your marriage and family.

X- says (and i quote): “i can’t get rid of them they are my security blanket”

Counselor: WEll then I guess you want a divorce then, if you cant give them up?

X-: Yes i guess I want a divorce.

WHO IS HE LINUS FROM THE PEANUTS…..A SECURITY BLANKET???????? Hello you are a 40-some-odd year old MAN……

2 years later and ANYTIME I tell ANYONE That story they cock their head to the side like a dog and look bewildered and ask me “What does that mean?”

Counselor and I still laugh about THAT statement.

No clue……..

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Kirstie September 7, 2013 at 2:11 am

After my XH left to live with his “friend” in the “spare room” at her one bedroom apartment I told him he had to come and get his stuff as we were selling the house and it had to be gone. He turned up to go through his stuff and when I asked whether he wanted me to fill out the divorce application, or whether he would file he laid this little gem on me:

“There is no need to rush, I thought I could just come home when I was done”,

done what? Sleeping with your GF? I had been a grade A chump for so long he genuinely thought when he tired of this AP he could just come on home to me. Jackass.

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KarenE September 19, 2013 at 10:06 pm

Kirstie, my ex apparently thought this too! I declared the relationship over, he was supposed to move out (his suggestion), was dragging his feet (still eating cake, keeping his family life while shagging the OW) so I found him an apartment and took him over there to sign the lease. On the way home he says
‘This is just temporary, right?’

Silly me, I thought he meant that living in a rented 1 bedroom apartment was temporary, so I said ‘sure’. Months later it turns out he thought he was going to come home when he’d had enough of the OW. SNORT!

So, after 1st affair, 7 years previously, when I dragged him to couple counselling, when he swore he’d never do anything like this again and I took him back, forgave, re-invested in making the relationship happier and tried again to make him happier (impossible task, btw), that apparently taught him that I would do that again, this would be my standard response to an affair! And here I, fool that I was, was thinking he would appreciate how close to that cliff edge he had come, would appreciate that I pulled him back and let him stay w/his family, and would understand, when I made him swear it’d never happen again, it was because if he did, that was IT, end of story. But no ……..

You can’t make up that kind of stupid.

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Newly enlightened September 22, 2013 at 1:37 am

After 4 years of being with me, while our families were figuring out the details of how our wedding is going to take place, the toad disguised as a prince chose to have something on the side with my flatmate/ friend (hah). I found out right before the wedding and called it off……. He came up with the choicest of statements.

‘You are the love of my life, she was just a punching bag I used when we fought !’

‘That was just physical and we were friends, and I felt bad for using her so I used to meet her take her out for dinner etc and talk to her 7 times a day, to be a friend to her. Even you wouldn’t want me to be a bastard who just throws away a girl after using her, would you ?’

What a gentleman.

After I found out and called off the wedding, he tried to also convince me to run away with him and get married in a week after which he will make me forget how he had lied to me, deceived me for over a year !

Am NC and how !

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KarenE September 22, 2013 at 12:25 pm

Wow, he REALLY showed you who he is! Congratulations on the ‘great escape’. I can’t imagine how painful this must be for you; betrayed by both your almost-husband, and you friend!

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Newly enlightened October 14, 2013 at 5:41 am

Another one ….. ‘I was just protecting you from my bad side’. I thought thus one was epic …..

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Mug September 24, 2013 at 9:16 am

Ive had some good ones.

1) I liked him and we had a connection

2) I cant remember his name (LOL)

3) It was only going on for a couple of weeks (18 months)

4) we really clicked and got on so well

5) My mind triesdto make me think I fancied him !!!!!!!!!!!!

6) I thought I fancied him and that thought was hard to discard.

and so on and on and on and on of complete and utter bull

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Mug September 24, 2013 at 9:20 am

oops is this ladys only website. Sorry didnt realise. : (

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Chump Lady September 24, 2013 at 9:23 am

No Mug, all are welcome! We’ve got quite a few men here too. :-) We’re here for support!

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Mug September 24, 2013 at 9:26 am

Cool Ty : )

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mmburned September 24, 2013 at 9:35 am

Mug
What’s this the “fancied” drivel?!
Hers was not a choice between a jelly donut and a bagel!

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Mug September 24, 2013 at 9:55 am

Hi MM – Fancied being a common/slang u.k word for “attracted” or “liking in physical way” really just a load of crap tho. Cos I think she was kind of trying to state that she fell for him but none of it was any of her fault…

I also had “the feelings were so strong I had to tell him” and that was about another /different bloke. “I relished the attention” and “it was nice to be liked by someone like that”

All in the end completely buggering my self esteem and personal worth : (

But im on the mend after a fair few years in the doldrums Yay : )

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Einstien October 2, 2013 at 6:58 pm

I walked in on him and his little Skankalina one morning. He didn’t have much to say to me, but made it a point to tell all his friends that I “merely caught them in the bed naked”. Like….that in itself wasn’t evidence of anything! Bonifide idiot.

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GullibleMe October 14, 2013 at 9:05 pm

I walked in, like a dream, into a pub near our house when I had noticed her car in its carpark. I walked into the poker machine room. In it there is a separate smokers room. I opened the door. There they were in each other’s arms, spending his entire paypacket on the poker machines, drinking, smoking and “just talking shit” (as opposed to say talking about who is fetching child from cricket/what’s for dinner/what are we getting your mother for birthday/have you paid the loan). I stood there looking at them, half a foot away from their faces/bodies, and they nearly jumped out of their skin when they noticed me!

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KarenE October 5, 2013 at 10:19 am

Just have to add this one, said to me not by my cheating narc ex, but by a married guy who was hitting on me when I was younger and single. I mentioned that one of the reasons it wasn’t worth getting involved w/a married guy was bc I really wanted to have kids at some point, and if I accidentally did get pregnant, would definitely keep the child, and wouldn’t it be difficult that I’d be a single mom in that case. He says

‘I would never abandon you if you were pregnant! We would be together to raise our love child!’

SOOOOOO, you’re such a good guy, you’d never abandon me pregnant! Instead, you’d abandon the three kids you already have w/the woman you promised to honour etc, in order to be w/your pregnant AP! That’s SO reassuring!

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SmartSweetie October 8, 2013 at 12:03 pm

ME: Why is there a condom missing from the pack I bought?
HIM: There is? I don’t know. I didn’t sleep with anyone if that’s what you’re thinking.
ME: Well the condom didn’t just vanish.
HIM: Ok, I used it when I was masterbating cause I put my finger in my ass.

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Leslie October 9, 2013 at 4:03 pm

I lied to you out of respect for you.

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GullibleMe October 16, 2013 at 12:29 am

jinx!

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ToniLeigh October 11, 2013 at 12:38 pm

I’m new to the CL site and I wish I had found this a couple of years ago.

Stupid Shit my STBX has said after I confronted him about his year long affair with a then 24 year old woman and at the time my husband was 59.

“I always looked forward to coming home to you” ( well thanks honey, that makes me feel better, but you kept looking forward to going back to her and did on many occassions you A-HOLE)

When I asked if he used protection he had this blank look on his face so I had to ask again and he said “I didn’t have to, she’s on the pill” (they did not use condom’s – idiot’s)

“She is much more mature than her age” (she has daddy issue’s)

“It’s not all about the sex, I have deep feelings for her” (you “suck”)

A neighbor contacted me after I returned from out of state (I was helping to care for my elderly father) and said they saw my H at a restaurant just down the street and at first they thought he was with his daughter but soon realized that was not the case and thought I should know. He allowed his little tramp (who live’s out of state) into our home during New Year’s (2013) for 3 days/nights. When I told him it’s bad enough that you let her into our life’s and that you can’t let her go but now you allowed her into my HOME! I was livid!!!!! My H said “I didn’t mean any disrespect” (what a stinking BAG OF SHIT)

As noted in other post, you can’t make this shit up.

As I said, I am new here but I love the direct, no pussyfooting around approach that this site gives. I have gained a new insight into my selfish/idiot STBX.

I have also had several good laughs from this site which by itself has turned what could have been a shitty day into a good one, thanks to you all for sharing.

“Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life” – hopefully soon, thanks again and hope everyone has a great weekend.

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Kelly October 11, 2013 at 6:11 pm

Hang in there Toni Leigh, these guys suck. Dump his sorry insane ass. Life is sooooooo much better without them. (((Hugs)))

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ToniLeigh October 12, 2013 at 3:56 pm

Kelly,

Thanks – I’m hanging but it’s just a matter of time before I’m rid of this no good “insane ass”, and yes he sucks!!!!! I know I will be better off in so many ways without him and I’m looking forward to it. Hugs to you also, take care.

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TheMuse January 6, 2014 at 8:40 pm

My X brought his OW into our home too. He volunteered that factoid on D-Day, saying simply, “I brought her here.” I went WHAT? and he said he wanted to show her HIS house (he’s a contractor and did the renovation work that I pd for the materials.).

I asked ‘you gave her a tour? even of our BEDROOM?” Yes, he said. fDid you fuck here? No, he said. I said was I mentioned, he said, “yes, she commented as she stepped into the bedroom, ‘where are all the girlie things?’ I said did she think she was going to move here and he said, ‘yes that was discussed.” Then he burst into tears and said “Oh my god! that was a major invasion of your privacy to bring her here!” No shit Sherlock.

I still am in shock 5 mos later, after we bought this house together 12 years ago and redesigned it together. Now he lives in OW’s house in another city. He sucks, they suck, it all sucks.

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GullibleMe October 14, 2013 at 8:41 pm

“I can’t even have ONE FRIEND?”

“She’s [insert his favourite sister's name, the one who is fun]“

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TheMuse January 6, 2014 at 8:44 pm

My X told me, “she’s really your best friend, you know.”
I said WHAT?
Him: She wanted me to tell you about us. (“Us” meaning him and her, after him and me living together 16 years and he supposedly only knew her for two weeks… probably a lie).
I’m not sure how that makes her my FRIEND.
In another conversation he said,
“It’s NOT about sex.” I said if it’s not about sex why did you have sex with her? Why couldn’t she just have been your friend?
He said, “That’s what she said, too.”

He lives with her now, 5 mos. post D-Day.

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GullibleMe October 14, 2013 at 8:58 pm

“I made a promise. I promised her I would not tell you we were fooling around.”

…what about your promise to ME on our wedding day you $%@#(&???????????

It’s right up there with “I lied to you out of respect for you.”

She was our son’s school friend’s mother. Finally after he DID tell me (in front of her), she cried on my shoulder, she followed me into bed and sat there holding my hand and crying/apologizing more. Then once I was asleep she kept texting him (she was sleeping in the spare room and he on the couch) until he got out of bed and had sex with her. (“to prove a point” he later told me) The next morning I made all our children lunch and gave her son a clean school uniform and drove them all to school, waving her goodbye with a smile.

That goodly demonstration of grace and class on my part had no effect. The cat was out of the bag, but he still kept on seeing her with outrageous lies to get out of the house (I banned her from the house from that day, of course). I caught him 2 more times. And yes I am still with him now and he has ended it with her, via a strong letter that he wote himself and showed me. More anon.

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anotherErica October 16, 2013 at 10:48 am

Gullible,

That’s a fucked up way to “prove a point”… and I don’t know what point he was proving anyway… unless it’s that he’s an insane asshole.

I wish you well, but I’m not convinced. Even if he holds to whatever he said in his letter (that is a strong “if”), I think you deserve much much more.

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GullibleMe October 16, 2013 at 7:10 pm

Thanks I know, that’s why I am called Gullible” :) – and I would not be on this site if I didn’t need support from women like you and CL, even though I am technically in a “unicorn reconciliation” at the mo.
[I understand and can relate to the kibbles, pick me, spackle and the skein and the other stuff. My h is nowhere near BPD or NPD, and not a serial cheater, but he still has soooo many of the traits/weaknesses/immaturity of the spouses described on this site]

He meant it was *her* way of proving a point, that she had that hold over him to do that right under my nose in another room of our house while children and I were sleeping. But it is still an example of him refusing to take responsiblity (she made me do it, I relaly didn’t want to, jsut got it over and done with etc etc)

And I so appreciate all the humour.

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EmmaPemma October 17, 2013 at 6:50 pm

Sorry if I missed something but what the hell was she doing sleeping in your house?! Why were you making her childs lunch? Why did you drive them anywhere?

Sorry sweetie but this man is treating you like a fool and you are letting him.

The person you should be banning from your house is him.

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GullibleMe November 12, 2013 at 5:29 pm

I didn’t know they were having an affair – that’s why she was there (a family friend who often stayed over with her child).
Yes he treated me like a fool – but at the time I did not know

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Kelly November 12, 2013 at 6:29 pm

Oh hey Gullible, my husbands’s APs (there were at least 2) slept over our house with me and my children present, sometime with married AP’s children, sometimes both AP’s at same time (found out later ex had individual affairs and group sex with these AP’s, yuck!). too thought they were family friends and co-workers, and needed to stay when in town for my ex’s consukting business. I’m a damn attorney so it is embarrassing to admit how trusting and clueless I was, but there you go.

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GullibleMe November 14, 2013 at 8:27 pm

yup, me too (a lawyer). Nothing wrong with trusting the person you made marriage vows with, and with your kids in the house too. BUT I trust women less now, and that is relaly shameful to me. I hesitate to invite kids’ mothers over for a cuppa if they are young/pretty/damaged/going through stuff…

TheMuse January 6, 2014 at 8:50 pm

Kelly and Gullible, I am a chump attorney too. I finally hired a private investigator AFTER D-Day to find out what was really going on with X and the OW because on 12/2/2014 after four months of dropping hints about us having a 2nd chance, and that it was going to be over with her soon, he again told me that to my face that it was over with her. He then drove out to the city where she lives and basically moved in and has been there the last 3 weeks. It finally SUNK IN that he lies and simply sucks when I saw the P.I. video and video stills of them walking into a restaurant together with her holding his arm. I was completely trusting and clueless too. No more.

TheMuse January 6, 2014 at 8:53 pm

Oops, in my prior post I meant to say 12/2/2013, not 2014.

Kelly January 6, 2014 at 10:48 pm

There are quite a few chump attorneys on here, certainly didn’t protect us any. I often wish I had hired a P.I. 15 years ago when I suspected something was going on….instead I believed my husband’s insistence that he adored me and would never cheat. I realize now that I believed him because I so desperately wanted to. I could not believe my gut which was screaming at me that something was wrong with this picture. The thing that got me to Meh was realizing (literally on a Tuesday, when I was flying home from Florida after taking depositions), that no matter how good a liar my ex was, or how busy I was, I was always the smarter, competent partner, the more involved parent, the person who kept the family going and together, and I should have trusted myself and trusted my gut. Somehow, taking that on myself seemed to free myself from victimhood and I realized I was at Meh….happier without him. So my Meh was in 2013. My New Year’s resolution for 2014 is to give up the anger over what he did and how much of my life and love he wasted doing it.

Meghan October 16, 2013 at 7:07 pm

Some beauties my husband used:

I didn’t think I’d get caught.

I thought I deleted that video if me having sex with her.

You didn’t make enough money.

I was never allowed to have any girlfriends.

You never got your license.

The opportunity was there, so I took it.

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TheMuse January 6, 2014 at 8:56 pm

Meghan, I like “The opportunity was there, so I took it.”

My X said the same thing almost word for word:
“All I did was take advantage of an offer.”

In the 5 mos since D-Day he has said the most hideous things about his OW to me, and anytime I start missing him, I remember that he is just using her in the most crass way, and I don’t feel jealous. Sampling:

“She’s not the kind of person I could be in a relationship with.”
“I don’t know why you think the sex with her is all hearts and flowers and wonderful or something. Its JUST sex.”

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Meghan October 17, 2013 at 6:55 am

A few beauties my husband used:

I didn’t think I’d get caught.
I thought I deleted that video of me having sex with her.
You didn’t make enough money.
You sat on the wrong couch.
I haven’t cheated on you in years! …(what?)
You never got your driver’s license.
You didn’t trust me.
I was never allowed to have any girlfriends.
The opportunity was there, so I took it.
Its not about sex.

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GullibleMe November 14, 2013 at 8:23 pm

God Meghan, what a tool he is.

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BP February 4, 2014 at 8:43 pm

Echoing the “its not about sex” one…um, so what was it about then???

And WTF was the “wrong couch?”

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Yoder October 17, 2013 at 11:07 am

Meghan, in this succinct nut shell, you have outlined the basis on which all narcissistic cheaters rationalize their erratic, unconscionable behavior. They believe themselves to be entitled, which means that every person they touch becomes miserable…including themselves.

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Yoder October 17, 2013 at 11:35 am

“My h is nowhere near BPD or NPD, and not a serial cheater,”

If I was a betting person, I would probably drop a grand on this one.

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GullibleMe October 17, 2013 at 5:48 pm

Thanks Yoder – you have really made me think about that. I work in mental health so didn’t wnat to just toss around those diagnoses lightly (I mean the personality disorders – he does not fit the criteria for any of them). But serial cheater -yes maybe he is. I guess some cheaters are not. He might not be one of those, of course! I need to watch, listen and observe, as CL says. But not make myself crazy in the process. Stop trying to fix it, stop rowing, put the oars down, etc. TRy to be the change I want to see. (misquoting Gandhi I know)

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KarenE October 17, 2013 at 11:22 pm

Gullible, check out this link about ‘covert narcissism’;

http://www.salon.com/2013/08/27/stop_telling_me_youre_a_sensitive_introvert_partner/

I thought I could recognize NDP, but my ex was not the sparkly type at all. The article describes him to a T, though (and his mother as well).

And while the narcissism is what created the 2 affairs (7 years apart), it was the entitlement, self-centeredness and negativity that killed the relationship dead dead.

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Meghan October 17, 2013 at 6:44 pm

It took me 3 days from Dday to pack my shit, grab my 15 month old son and hop on a plane ( I was living in Ireland and moved home to Canada)… It’s been 3 months of good days and bad, but there has never been any question in my mind about making the right decision! I can’t live my life being treated so poorly by another human being. No love, no respect. I will not teach my son that this kind of behavior is acceptable!

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Kelly November 12, 2013 at 6:33 pm

Wow, you are one brave woman Meghan, God bless.

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RNE February 27, 2014 at 12:08 pm

I’m in the same boat as you. 3 days later (today) I’m getting on a plane with my kids and leaving him. I hurt so bad. It sometimes feels like it might be better to just lie down and die, but I’m trying to be strong for my boys.

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EmmaPemma October 17, 2013 at 6:47 pm

A new one!

“She if is a slut and you aren’t. I would never ask you to do the stuff that I knew she would let me do”

Charming.

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EmmaPemma October 17, 2013 at 6:48 pm

Typo!

She IS a slut…

Don’t know where the “if” came from!

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GullibleMe October 17, 2013 at 7:11 pm

Yes sorry Emma, I did not explain on this page (I did on another CL one). The OW was my friend, came over every friday after work to fetch her son (who I picked up from school – our son’s best friend, in the same grade 2 class, to play with our kids once a week).

She would have a drink and played pool with us (and her husband, until she left him in around April 2013). After that she came on her own and drowned her sorrows, needed a friend.

Gradually, she stayed later and later, and we said she and her son could sleep over night (he obviously went to bed early, with our kids).

So they had their room – she and her son – a spare room in our house.

Then some time in May 2013, she and my husband kissed after I had gone to bed – I had absolutely no reason to suspect anything, I would never have insisted that he be chaperoned, we have had 8 years of marriage and never had anyone come into our lives like this.

So: she pretended to still be my friend – and confidante about my marriage, as he was getting cold towards me – while having an A with him. Mostly it happened in each other’s vehicles, a couple of times at our house, while I was asleep (in his shed where the pool table is), during work hours, after school, in evening too.

But I got into his mobile phone and read some SMSs and then accused them (BOTH of them – she is not some anonymous OW, she is a 48 year old mother of my child’s best friend – and recently separated from her 14year marriage to her child’s son), talked to him alone, her alone, both together – and finally they admitted it while both together and looking me in the eye. She cried, apologised etc. He said he loved her and wanted to be with her, threw his wedding ring at me.

So I said go – you are free. That night. But he reneged the next day, said he did not want to be with her, etc. So I said fine, let’s try.

But then a couple of weeks later I caught them (at end of August. 8 weeks ago). I immediately left – packed car and children and went to a friend’s house on the other side of town and told him to stay the f away from me and my children. 2 days later I returned to get our bags for holiday and he was still there. Begging, had deleted everything from his phone (took him all night – he is not tech-savvy – has no email or facebook or anything like that – is not from a western country), written her the letter, did all the remorseful actions (I told him I would not believe a word that came out of his mouth, it is just actions) and begged to come on the family holiday that I had booked.

I said yes – for the children’s sake (first time seeing snow). He came – it was like a honeymoon – BUT I was under no illusions – every day at a time etc. I said what I wanted (“if my heart’s soaking wet, boy your boots can leave a mess” – he woudn’t know that’s Tori!) and asked any question I wanted. He showed me her texts of fury replies to his letter (incl. explicit details of them in bed followed by “so suck it up, Gullible!” to me, as she rightly assumed he would show me the SMSs). Obviously I have had to walk past her and see her car at school every day. I have not said a word to her. All our kids still ask why they can’t have playdates.

That was 8 weeks ago. I have been in a coping mechanism bubble until just this week when I discovered this site. I am in a unicorn reconciliation, and DO NOT KNOW if it is false or not – nobody knows that. Time will tell.

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GladIt'sOver October 17, 2013 at 7:15 pm

Wow, that woman is a fucking MONSTER. I’m sorry for what you and your children have endured.

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GullibleMe October 17, 2013 at 7:33 pm

Thanks GIO. In all the HOURS she and I talked, I learned that she was the child of an alcoholic and a paedophile (she got access to her social services file once she had turned 18) and had spent the age of 0-3 being neglected/abused by them, been removed by the government, put in an orphanage (we had them in our country back in the 1960s), where she was further abused, and then was one of the “lucky ones” to have been placed in a permanent foster family along wiht one of her little siblings. So she has enormous “FOO issues” which are an excuse for pretty much everything – inability to save money, addictions, incl obscene amounts of gambling. SO I PITIED her.

If CL had a page called “Stupid Shit OW say”, I would list these choice ones she said to me this year:

“You look SO PRETTY in that – did he [my husband] notice?”

“Wow you have really sexy legs!” (when I was wearing a skirt for once)

“Did you get yourself some earrings? They’re gorgeous!”

“Did you get your eybrows/hair done? What did he say? Did he compliment you?”

“You are an attractive intelligent woman – what are you doing with him?”

“Some people are not meant to be together – if you’re not Soul Mates, get out.”

“X [a recently-divorced male friend of mine who came over to help gardening] asked for my number. Why don’t YOU go out wiht him? You two are suited!”

“I love you.”

“I know it might be a bit premature, but maybe a couple of years down the track, I hope we and our kids can be friends. I miss our friendship so much.” [while crying on my shoulder]

[this was the last thing she ever said to me, in August. I replied, “no, sorry that will never happen”

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Yoder October 18, 2013 at 4:44 am

Through my own evaluation, I came up with the following term, “Selective Sparkle.” My h exhibits this when confronted with public situations. He says whatever he thinks everyone else wants to hear. In private he never refers to his “negativity”, but rather, refers to himself as a pessimist. Although he would have made a brilliant politician, he probably would have had a nervous breakdown in the process, as the weight (over stimulation due to the balancing act) would have placed more pressure than bearable on his ability to coexist with himself. Covert Narcs are the most difficult to live with because they can be quite illusive in personality. Dare I say, often presenting themselves having split personalities?

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Jimmy October 27, 2013 at 9:04 pm

“I didn’t think you would care”

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redless October 30, 2013 at 2:09 am

“It’s just cheaper to keep you so let’s just stay married–but I’m still going to go to church with my ‘friend’. Because that is our time together, you can’t come”

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tonileigh October 30, 2013 at 3:55 pm

OMG – they really have no clue how stupid they are – hang in there

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Diana L. February 19, 2014 at 10:05 am

That really takes the cake! Someone needs to explain the point of church and God to them.

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ForgeOn! February 19, 2014 at 11:04 am

Save your breath!!!! They believe it is God’s will for them to be together, remember?!

Forge on, friends…..

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Lara October 30, 2013 at 3:48 pm

Mine said a few things:

The first thing he said when I confronted him with what I’d found on his phone (videos and pictures of the woman having sex with him ) :

You shouldn’t have looked if you wouldn’t have liked what you’d see. (not exact wording, but something along those lines)

Then, a month on, he sent me an email (I had been full NC) justifying his cheating :

“I can’t stay within the restraints of a normal relationship. The constant moods and emotions are hard work”

Constant moods emotions? Isn’t that, like, the definition of being alive? So he finds dealing with someone who is not a zombie/dead inside/narc to be too much work? Creepy.

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GullibleMe October 30, 2013 at 11:53 pm

“the constant moods and emotions” – I got “I can’t talk to you [read: tell me a truthful thing] because you get too emotional” [read: I am upset about the A. Yes I am a human not a robot, upset you have lied to me for years and been sleeping with my friend under my nose incl in my house].

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KarenE November 3, 2013 at 10:46 pm

Ooooh, Lara, that ‘you shouldn’t have looked …’ one is impressive! Lucky your quits of this guy!

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Lara November 4, 2013 at 12:59 pm

Yeah. It blew my mind when he said / emailed / texted that stuff….. Especially the “you shouldn’t have looked if you weren’t going to like what you’d find.” WTF?

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KarenE November 4, 2013 at 9:51 pm

So the ex and I have had to talk a bit more recently, since the kids have basically started refusing to see him (karma bus, incoming!!!!). Since I want to stay out of this, I’ve encouraged him to see a family therapist w/the kids.

But he took advantage of these contacts, and his increasing realization that HE has fucked up his life big time, to again try to convince me to ‘try again’.

He tried this at the end of last year (about 8 months post DDay #2/end of relationship), but was still saying ‘infidelity is just something that happens when relationships aren’t going well’ and ‘my threatening you (very, very convincingly, btw) was not a big deal, because I never actually hurt you’. Not surprisingly, that unicorn wouldn’t fly. (Mixed metaphor, I know!!)

So this week, now a year and a half post DDay, he’s full of realizations, finally. He took the kids and I for granted. He has been a really unhappy, angry, negative person, always, and this led to meanness to us. He’s really messed up, hadn’t realized how much …. bla bla bla. Fairly vague apologies, but even some not quite as vague. Admitted I was right when I said he wasn’t a good person. Trying to show me that now he’s aware of these things, this makes him a MUCH better person, he’s a changed man, and totally worth taking another chance on. Asked me out on a date.

So I asked him if he was still with the OW. He admitted he was. So I asked if his trying to date me wasn’t him cheating again, this time on her. Mumbled replies. Told him I only want to date honest people, and he isn’t one, still. He tells me it would take SO MUCH STRENGTH to break up w/her without any guarantee of whether things would work out for us. Just as it would have taken SO MUCH STRENGTH to leave me before fucking her. Clearly I have totally unrealistic expectations.

Sometimes they just keep showing us who they are. And that makes it pretty easy to trust that they suck.

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Kelly November 6, 2013 at 11:11 am

KarenE, you are so strong and grounded, what a smart lady you are. You deserve better and will have it one day.

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KarenE November 7, 2013 at 1:16 pm

Thanks Kelly, I do feel smart and grounded NOW, but I was SUCH a chump for so many years ….. Frankly it’s embarassing! Good to know I have great company in chumpdom here!

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Kara November 6, 2013 at 3:47 pm

So in other words, he doesn’t want to dump her until he’s sure he’s got a backup plan. You were his back pocket plan, and now since he wants you back, she’s in the back pocket.

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA wow. You are so much better of a human being than he is. I mean that. I don’t really know you, but I believe it.

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KarenE November 7, 2013 at 1:18 pm

It’s not actually hard being a better person than him! What amazes me is that he doesn’t see the complete absurdity and stupidity of the stuff he says to me!

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Lara November 7, 2013 at 5:47 pm

Wow… the nerve he had to say that he has no guarantees this would work out if he lets go of the OW!! That’s utterly despicable… what a selfish prick!! He basically wants to line up women and jump from one to the next. Typical narcissist behavior. A harem of narcissistic supply. They can’t live on their own, do things on their own. They must have a constant supply, a person to leech off of and suck dry — emotionally, physically, and even financially. This guy is just asking you to be one of his harem members… and he’s probably not far from asking you (if you ever got back together with him) to entertain an “open relationship” (mine wanted to go to swinger clubs and do threesomes with me and other women). SICK.

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Lara November 7, 2013 at 5:48 pm

Also, he reminds me of Stan in The Golden Girls.. that episode in the first season, where he is dumped by the young woman he cheated on his ex-wife with, and runs back to ex-wife.. Look it up on youtube. So many people these days are like this.. they don’t want to be alone, so they treat you as one of a number of women (or men) in a long list of dial-a-lay/dial-a-pseudo-relationship.

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EmmaPemma November 7, 2013 at 6:30 pm

I think you should take him back.

Seriously, I think you should!

Do whatever it takes to get him to dump OW.

Then dump his ass hard and fast! He doesnt want to find out what its like to be on his own, I suggest you show him!!

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KarenE November 8, 2013 at 9:34 pm

The nice part is, I don’t even have to! He started screwing her when he was out of town 4 days a week for work, for several months. He was then back in our city full-time for a half-year, miserable because alone (that’s when the first attempt to come back to me occurred) then back in hers part-time for another 3 or 4 months. Now he’s back here again, and she’s not. I’m betting she’s refused to move (has teenagers and a great job there), he probably couldn’t find as good a job there as here, and now he sees her every second weekend only. He’s supposed to see the kids the other weekends, but they’ve been refusing to go to him.

So he’s far far more alone than he can stand, and miserable. GOOD

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BarristerBelle November 6, 2013 at 10:49 am

Story from the American Bar Association Journal (@ABAjournal on Twitter): Lawyer seeks to retain his license, despite affair with wife of client on trial for murder http://dlvr.it/4Gkg7M

– The best part is his “excuse”…He has “severe Attention Deficit Disorder.”

Yeah. I’m calling bullshit on that one. It’s not “ADD.” More like NPD.

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GreenGirl November 12, 2013 at 3:00 pm

I have severe ADD. Does that mean I can rob a bank and keep the money if I get caught? Because if so I could use the cash.

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KarenE November 19, 2013 at 1:00 pm

That’s funny! I wasn’t paying attention, so I tripped and fell on top of her w/my zipper open! I got distracted from the ‘client on trial for murder’ part and could only remember the ‘wife of’ part! I was daydreaming and she walked into my daydream, I didn’t realize it was real! My mind kept wandering when I was reviewing the docs for the trial, and that’s where it wandered to – not my fault my prick followed!

And how exactly did he get a law degree with that terribly terribly severe ADD???

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Jayne November 9, 2013 at 6:10 am

2 years after the wedding he pushed me into with ‘set the date, set the date, come on, set the date’ I came across phone records of him texting her every day, multiple times each day for 18 months:

Me: why the hell did you marry me?
him: I wanted a big party for our friends and family!

him: she meant nothing to me, I didn’t even like her.

him: She thought so much of herself I just wanted to teach her a lesson!

him: I just wanted to get her to admit she wanted me. I was pressured into having sex with her.

him: I didn’t want it, Think she wanted it more.

him: No I didn’t feel guilty. I compartmentalised it.

him: It wasn’t an affair and it didn’t go on for as long as it looked like (despite the hard evidence of the phone records)

him: after I’d dumped him and he wanted to come back: ‘you even got me to accept the time scale’ (no it was the phone records that got you to accept the timescale d**khead!)

him: (after I’d let him come back and just before he left me again) you think it was some dreadful crime against the universe that I cheated on you! (yup!)

A****hole!!!!!!

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Janet November 9, 2013 at 6:52 am

I read these Stupid Shit Cheaters say all the time just for reenforcement but I think yours takes the cake. Wow Victoria. My H denies the OW said he wanted to marry her but when I bring that fact up he says “I was drunk” says he won’t marry her because she carries alot of debt but continues to text or talk to her every day. Go figure or better yet don’t waste your time. Like plunging the depths of saran wrap.

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Janet November 9, 2013 at 6:54 am

Oops Jane I’m sorry

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Jayne November 9, 2013 at 11:01 am

After finding out about his affair I rang OW and called her a whore. She texted him and told him to tell me to back off or she’d send her new boyfriend around to our house! He texted back and told her I’d said I wouldn’t contact her again, but if I did she should call the police! When I confronted him about this he said he was protecting me!!!!!!

OMG!!!!

By the way, he started his affair 1 month after we got back from honeymoon. He confessed to chasing her (she didn’t throw herself at him) and throughout his affair he told me daily I was the best thing that had ever happened to him, I was the only woman for him, he’d never been so happy in his life, he felt like he’d won the lottery with me! Took me 2 years of trickle truth before he finally admitted to the affair and that was 2 years of me being called for everything for ‘being suspicious’ about the crap he was telling me!

I don’t know how he looks himself in the mirror! What the f*** was all that about?????

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KarenE November 9, 2013 at 10:20 pm

I have a theory about the looking in the mirror bit – it doesn’t bother them because when they look, there’s NOTHING there!

Didn’t that used to be a sign that someone was a zombie or vampire or other creature with no soul??

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Jayne November 10, 2013 at 3:12 am

LOL KarenE :-D

D’you know – it’s over 4 years since I found out about his affair(s) (Get this – in an attempt to show me how ‘truthful’ he was and that this wasn’t an affair [as he insisted for the first 2 years and tortured me for being such a horrible person to accuse him of cheating, but then confessed it too was a sexual affair - but hey, I knew all along apparently and so I shouldn't be angry at him for mind-fucking me for 2 years!], he confessed to 3 other affairs before we got married – I can’t believe it but I was so utterly devastated by this last affair, faced with all the inescapable evidence as I was, I think I’ve only just now ‘heard’ his confession – how mad is that??) – in that time he has left me / come back / left me uncountable times (basically for being ‘sad’ and calling him on his ongoing shit!) I don’t think he’s got an OW on the go since D Day – but then again, what would I know? If he has I’d just like to tell them to flee – I’m so not taking it personally anymore – he just doesn’t like any women – full stop!

I am so, so, so grateful to have found this website – it is like a breath of fresh air blowing the fog away. I’ve spent 4 years paying the price for his NPD shittiness – reading all those evil ‘There must have been something wrong with the marriage’ and ‘You can save this marriage if you just try harder at being perfect’ pieces of ‘advice’ – talk about kicking someone when they’re down!!!!!

I think the only thing I did wrong was not truly believing there are really monsters out there! I wasted so much time and heartache spackling this tosspotopath (haha!) thinking he was human, as prone to mistakes and as open to compassion, empathy as I am. I’ve never had a relationship that came close to the bullying, controlling, domineering, dehumanizing, objectifying, demanding and above all contemptuous excuse for love in my life! Jeez, all I had to do was hold up a mirror to his smug face and perhaps tear down a curtain and cross a couple of candlesticks – doh! I spent all those years as a kid convincing myself that there weren’t any bogeymen in the wardrobe or under the bed – and bloody well let the big bad wolf get into the bed when I should have been old enough to realise MONSTERS DO EXIST!!!!! Cor! Wish they’d have taught me that in school!!! :-D

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ddame23 November 13, 2013 at 12:10 pm

“Her (The OW’s) therapist told her (The OW, and presumably by extension, him) that sometimes, ‘Affairs are something that need to happen’”.
I keep imagining serving him divorce papers with a note stating, “This is also something that ‘needed to happen.’”

He also told me that his affair with his 18 year old OW “helped set the standard for her of how she should be treated in a relationship”. I wish I had said, “Really, what about how your wife is supposed to be treated in a relationship?” But it just hurts to much to bother.

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EmmaPemma November 13, 2013 at 12:28 pm

It set the standard for her?

So for the rest of her life she will be content to be used by an older man for sex, kept as his dirty little secret and then binned off the second his cake eating is threatened?

Poor girl.

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KarenE November 13, 2013 at 8:56 pm

Somebody SAYS her therapist said that, ya never know what was actually said! (Although let us not forget that there are narc therapists and cheater therapists, too, so they have to justify their behaviour somehow, right?)

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Diana L. February 19, 2014 at 10:13 am

Sadly, I think there are therapists who believe that some affairs are a way to break up a bad marriage. So maybe someone told the poor kid this. She’s getting used for her body by a selfish guy and a therapist is helping him do it. The kid needs someone who will help get back to integrity.

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Lisa B November 15, 2013 at 8:14 pm

“You know what your problem is? You have ethics!!” Nice response to his lies. Never saw that as a problem before, it would explain why is was always telling people I should teach an ethics class. Too bad it never rubbed off on him.

“Here’s some advise, in your next relationship don’t tell the truth” after confronting him on his lies and constant emotional abuse/torture

“I need to be loved a way that makes me tingle and feel butterflies all the time” Kind of hard when you washing the skid marks out of his under ware.

“I need constant attention and validation” Guess between me, the happy ending massages, sleezy motel hook ups and the other women he just could not get enough

“I call you from random numbers because I know you wont take my calls”

“I know this is selfish, but I can’t truly move on with her because I still love you, can you help me with that?” Huh??

He divorced me to be with his ex wife that left and cheated on him 25 years ago (we were married 20)…..then he called me back in tears and told me that she was still a lying and cheating whore but they were going to try and work it out. That I always told the truth and never lied or cheated on him. I told him to go see a therapist, he asked if he could see mine. Uff

He is a special kind of screwed up…….the last time we spoke I told him to stop trying to keep me on the emotional hook to stroke his ego. In his anger he shot back by saying “Well, then I guess we shouldn’t talk anymore, is that what you REALLY want?” Like is was some kind of punishment not talking to him, I said “Sounds good!! ok”

It boggles the mind how abusive they can be and still try to “remain friends because we have a special bond”. The list of abuse, lies and out right cruelty seems to have escaped his memory. You know the saying, with friends like that who needs enemies.

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GullibleMe November 18, 2013 at 9:51 pm

“ITS A TEXT FROM MY COWORKER. A WORK TEXT” -guy
“Let me read it then, give me the phone” -girl
“You don’t need to see my phone to trust me” -guy
“Are we going to live together?” -girl
“Yeah but what is, like, living together? Like what’s an apartment mean? You know what I’m saying?” -guy
“Do you love me?” -girl
“Look I’m not a guy who’s into labels, Rachel. You knew that getting in.” -guy

excerpted from this: http://postgradproblems.com/this-guy-live-tweeted-his-neighbors-breakup-and-it-was-amazing/

Poor chump Rachel!

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Chris November 19, 2013 at 5:41 am

My ex after I found “I love you Baby” traced on the dirt on his car: she has nothing to do with this. We are just friends. (This of course was after I found the emails from him telling her he was sorry he couldn’t get it up, sometimes that just happened).

“European men (he was from Germany) don’t cheat unless they are sure the marriage is over.”

After he married the woman he left me for: “I was not having an affair. We were friends, and then the relationship developed after we separated.”

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KarenE November 20, 2013 at 8:46 pm

That ‘European Men’ comment is unbelievably stupid! What, every man on the continent has the same beliefs and behaviours? Where did DSK and Sarkozy come from, just to start at the top????

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Tiffany November 22, 2013 at 2:40 pm

“She’s lying about sleeping with me because I wouldn’t partner with her on a business proposition.” Proposition my #)*)&#)*

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David November 23, 2013 at 10:36 am

1. “I was being discreet” (after leaving garters I had never seen before on top of her dresser and seeing empty packets of lube in her open cosmetics bag on the floor of the bathroom).
2. “if you wouldn’t have looked at my texts and emails, you would never have known. I feel violated.”

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tom jode November 23, 2013 at 11:55 am

When first confronted:

” Do you think I would do this if I was happy???”

When found in bed with her AP:

“Are you happy now????”

Un f****in” believable, but it’s true.

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production will reach 75%.

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Kara November 25, 2013 at 10:03 pm

Looks like we got a bot. ^^

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chuck December 2, 2013 at 7:14 pm

My wife told me not to worry, that the 30 yr old guy she was having an affair with was “out of her league” and it would have been over soon anyway. When I asked if a guy with kids by 3 different women was out of her league what did that make me she told me to stop using her words against her.

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Kara December 3, 2013 at 2:42 pm

It wouldn’t be so easy for you if she didn’t say such dumbshit things.

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Chuck December 4, 2013 at 7:00 pm

This was before I found out he lived with his Grandmother, one of those nuggets you wish you could have tossed out when you mentally rewrite the script of your life, I guess the attraction of a younger guy in this world of Cougartown and the glorification of the May/December thing means facts like these aren’t relevant. Thanks for the reply, we seemed to have about a month of those inane comments before he got booted from Grandmas and she moved out to rescue him

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Jodi December 4, 2013 at 11:46 pm

Oh Wow!!! Its so good to know that I’m not the only one.

4 weeks before he runs off with her.. He gets a text… his hands are all greasy from working on his motorbike so I pick up his phone and check the message (all the while being told, no its ok leave it)…

The text read… I love you, I love you, I love you… from one of the girls he works with. I asked what the hell is this!!!!???? She must have sent it to me by mistake.

Ring him up on his days off.. what are you doing today?? Oh I’m with Sally, she needs help with an assignment. Or I’m having coffee with Sally because she needs somebody to talk to.

Another email he was reading when I walked into the room where he was… a message from her.. can’t wait to see you. Love you. Sally xxx The excuse, oh she says that to everybody and flirts with everybody like that.

Another girl from a few years ago… he got a text message while he was in the shower one afternoon before going to work… Ok, I’ll see you tomorrow, I’ll be home alone x… when I asked him about this, oh it must be a wrong number, I have no idea who that is…. check his phone bill. There is about 50 messages to this one number.

The girl who rings him up on a Friday night to go to the football. I had just asked him half an hour before to go. He said no. She rings up and asks, he turns to me and says I’m heading off to the footy tonight, you should stay at home because the kids wouldn’t want to go and its too cold to drag them out.

And there are sooo many more.

Total total moron!!!!

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ChumpChick December 6, 2013 at 2:21 pm

“At least I didn’t go f*** someone else like some people would!”

That’s literally what he told me after I caught him cheating for the 3rd time. I’ve left him now but what was I supposed to say… Congratulations on keeping it in ur pants??? Ha!

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Ellie December 10, 2013 at 11:57 am

She gave it to me on a plate!!

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SeeTheLight December 13, 2013 at 9:40 am

Found out after many suspicious years and confrontations (where naturally I was labeled paranoid and too sensitive) that X went to bdsm providers, tantric sex instructors, multitudinous escorts, cyber-sex, random hook-ups/suspect gay ones too, solicitations on Craigs List, Backpage.com kinky classifieds, etc…, because he wanted to make our ” relationship” and “sex” better. Well isn’t he a sweetie?

In the meantime, I was the ultimate “beard:” neglected, asking for emotional and intimate connection, experimentation, and his version of sex with me, barely even met the standard of “vanilla.” Obviously not an apt pupil for all that extracurricular study.

Chronic STD and ED would be too kind.

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Stina December 23, 2013 at 2:32 pm

After I found out he was meeting women through OK Cupid.

Husband – “But I’m just meeting new friends; it’s not dating.”

And after I found secret email accounts, found out that he was having sex with women he met through Ashley Madison and other sites – he tried to make me feel like I was the crazy one. He saw my invasion of his privacy as a huge issue, and said it was a “dealbreaker” for him. I said that, “I can respect your privacy, but privacy doesn’t include having secrets that hurt me, our marriage and others, and include putting your dick in someone else.”

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Kara April 2, 2014 at 5:58 pm

OMG my ex said that when I found him setting up a profile on a personal site!

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nicolette14 April 6, 2014 at 12:33 pm

when I had found his accounts on match.com and discreet affairs.com with all his own info and his own personal email by the way, he said he opened those for his brother lol :)))

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Stina December 23, 2013 at 2:48 pm

Some other lines my spouse used:

- “But I thought our marriage was over” (used to explain why he cheated when he did, and at the time of the cheating there was no communication of his unhappiness in our marriage.)

- “You leave food in the sink strainer” (when asked him if there is something wrong in our relationship, and during that time he was cheating on me with other women and I had absolutely no clue.)

-”You don’t respect my privacy” (when I’m asking him to come to bed and he’s up late in the living room “working” on his laptop at 2am – never once thinking he was chatting with other women online.)

-”We have different world views” (WTF? – well, if that refers to the fact that I believe in loyalty and respect and he doesn’t, then OK.)

-”You don’t own me.”

-When referring to his experiences on Ashley Madison, “It was like an alternative form of therapy.” He had refused to go see a therapist.

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Happy to be free January 7, 2014 at 7:36 pm

OMG, I think that we were married to the same ass!! I swear there MUST be a book that they use for excuses.

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Stina January 29, 2014 at 12:12 pm

Also,

“we didn’t have sex for a couple of weeks”

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ForgeOn! February 3, 2014 at 10:10 pm

Whoa!! We were all married to the same freak!! ROTFL!!! Bad, bad you!! Food in the strainer! Call out the Marines!!!

Yes, there is a ‘book’ or rather a script, they all read from (male or female)……It is a script written by the devil himself! (Also, there is a real book called “The Script”……. The authors noticed the same thing as we have and wrote a book……worth your time to check it out.)

The cheaters all think they are so creative and have come up with some amazingly profound, original & intuitive revealtions & comments, but all it really is, is someone else’s recycled poo!

A variation on the ‘food’ theme: (food & cooking sure does seem to get mentioned a lot!!) Soon after we married, his work schedule required he be at work at 7am. Feeling it was part of my role as a dutiful wife to be sure he is nourished for his workday, I arise way earlier than my body allows, made repeated efforts over a number of days, to fix a breakfast he will eat.

Finally, after about a week or two of his refusal to eat what I had struggled to prepare, accompanied by stark silence, he finally says, “I do not eat breafast. I do not feel like eating until about noon or so. I am not awake enough that early……..” Fine….No problem for me, as I am not a morning person. Fast forward several years—One of his emotional affairs is conducted over, you guessed it! Breakfast!!! Why?! His justification: “My wife doesn’t fix me breakfast!”

So sad, so sad…..SIlly them….They are only an empty shell……..
More thoughts on this another day
Love to all……….

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BP February 4, 2014 at 8:38 pm

“You leave food in the sink strainer”

LOL mine said something really similar. I was like “you don’t get to complain about dishes after cheating on me multiple times and lying about it, SORRY.”

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Flowerlady April 6, 2014 at 3:27 pm

Mine said “you always put wooden-handeled utensils through the dishwasher”.

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Sammie D May 15, 2014 at 12:58 am

Back at the time I have recently discovered was when my X had his initial affair as he puts it. I found myself very depressed, he was working all hours coming home at 11pm feeding me lines like his boss was working late so he had to also ( no she wasn’t the ap) we also had three young kids the youngest of which was a hand full. My depression lead to irrational out bursts and I took of one day with a sharp knife from the kitchen, I don’t recall being suicidal but I did turn myself into our family Dr . X convinced me to go to hospital volunterly, after three weeks as an inpatient when sitting with the psych I was assigned to. X was asked the following question. Your wife is in a really good space right now is there anything you might need to bring up and discuss with her.
X ” she is not a very good house keeper”
Dr” how do you nk you might be able to help her with that”
X ” well I can clean the house to the level I want and she just has to maintain it”
You were having an affair and all you could bring up is you didn’t like e way I kept our house. Well excuse me. TOOL.

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Victorious December 24, 2013 at 11:26 pm

So today, I told my mother-in-law about the new information I was told last night from husband; that he had several times visited massage parlors and paid for hand jobs. She texts him this morning, “Massage Parlor?!!”
His response to me was, “You really have crossed the line on this one!” “Now I will have to explain this to my mom and grandma.”

Hilarious, now I’m the one who has crossed the line. Starting to see the light- he really is delusional! Classic him though, never takes FULL responsibility.

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Janet December 25, 2013 at 6:50 am

Victorious he will never take responsibility

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all4freedom December 25, 2013 at 10:50 pm

Mine never admitted cheating on me even though I found texts and receipts for dinners as well as other things. I left him because my oldest son was starting to talk to me like him. That was the moment I knew this jacked up relationship was no longer about s2bx and I, it was a life lesson to my children on relationships.
My favorite line about why she called and texted him so often, even though he has never ever admitted anything is “She is a single mom and needs someone to talk to” This from a man who was too tired to play with his own kids and left it all up to me. I am a single mom now (7 months out) and FUNNY! I have YET to contact my boss and ask for moral support DAILY about how tired and stressed I am. Guess I am silly like that.

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proudlymovingon December 26, 2013 at 10:11 am

Mine has yet to admit to the cheating but finding his online conversations, texts and driving around with another woman has pretty much sealed the deal for me. He has said many things- accused me of being an emotional abuser (I abused by offering him a free education, clothes and not forcing him to get a job), that I never appreciated him (you are home all day collecting disability and unemployment, you can do a f$%ing load of laundry or make dinner) and that he didn’t love me and only married me because it was the right thing to do. But the topper is when he told me he wanted the divorce- after taking our two children (ages 2 &3) to their first movie at a theater and I put them down for a nap, he says he wants a divorce, that he thought I wanted the divorce too and we could find better people to be with and be really good friends.

we have our first court date January 9th and no, we won’t be friends! Yup, I spackled and now realize that he was a lazy, POS right from the beginning! #disgusted

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ash84 December 29, 2013 at 11:29 pm

I read my husband’s texts and knew he’d been screwing prostitutes since God knows when. By the time I told him I knew about it, he’d deleted all those texts (so, I didn’t have any physical proof anymore).
So, at the confrontation, he denied it altogether that he’d been cheating on me. And he actually said one of the things in ur post “if u think I’m that kind of a person, u shouldn;t be with me”.
And that “if u don’t trust me and if u leave me because of this, then u leave me!” :|

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jennydvdsn December 30, 2013 at 8:47 am

When I accused STBX of being a liar for cheating on me multiple times including the last three years with the latest AP, he told me he ONLY LIES TO ME, and ONLY about AP. I guess all the other skanks he banged don’t count bc I didn’t know at the time?

He still refers to me as “wife” all the time. Bc I’M the one that forgot, right.

My current favorite is : you aren’t really going to divorce me are you?
I have kicked him out, retained an attorney, filed and we are in the process if completing the parenting plan. Yes, asshat, it is happening.

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bellzero January 3, 2014 at 5:11 pm

My ex told me that ‘
“No my cheating with the OW has not hurt our four girls” WT? I told him are you crazy of course this has hurt them as we are no longer a family. You ass hole.

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TheMuse January 4, 2014 at 2:13 pm

Said he was going to be late from work because he “had to” go to dinner with a client who wanted to than him for work on “their” house (he’s a remodeling contractor). I asked where he was going and he said Burger King. When he wasn’t home by 10:30 I texted to ask when he’d be home and he said 11:30, and was right on the dot. Meanwhile I was suspicious so I checked the cell phone account online and saw dozens of texts and calls to the same number. When he got home, I asked “were you on a date?” (We weren’t married but lived together 16 yrs). He laughed out loud and said no. Then I confronted him with the proof and he admitted it. Here’s a sampling of the DUMB SH*T he said that night and the weeks following:

- It just happened. She was all over me like a train wreck. I did everything I could to fend her off.

- I didn’t want to tell you about it till I knew it was a sure thing with her.

- I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to ruin your life. And I knew you’d go ballistic like you are now.

- I’m probably making the biggest mistake of my life and it probably won’t last with her, and my whole economy will crash, but I’ll never forgive myself if I don’t take advantage of this opportunity.

- She sees the lost little boy inside of me.

- She makes me feel like a man.

- She sees that I’m a big picture guy, you don’t.

- Don’t tell anyone I said this but she’s not the kind of person I could be in a relationship with (but he lives with her now).

- If it doesn’t work out with her I can totally see us getting back together again.

- If you play your cards right, you might just get a second chance with me.

- No one knows what the future holds.

- I ran the Sharing Idea by her but she wouldn’t go for that.

- I told her I couldn’t leave you because you need me to take care of you. (I pay for everything).

- I was in torment for 2 whole weeks trying to get her under control. She was starting to put conditions on my seeing her.

– I don’t know what you are so upset about. All I did was take advantage of an offer. But then I realized if I could so easily end up in bed with someone else, there must be something really wrong with our relationship.

- I don’t know what you are so upset about. I stayed with you longer than I stayed with anyone before you.

- I’m not 100% sure of her. Things are all over the place!

- I don’t know what happened. One minute I was 100% committed to you and then next thing I knew I was 100% committed to her.

- It was really only three days. We were mostly talking, okay also f*cking. He smiled as he said well, it was ‘this much’ talking (making a wide gesture) and ‘this much’ f*cking (making a smaller gesture) on the ‘first day.’

- I am fiercely loyal to you! I am going to help you get through this!

- I wish I could split myself in two so one of me could be with her and one with you.

- I can’t stand the thought of you being all alone in this house!

- it’s NOT about sex!!!!” “It’s NOT like she wagged her p*ssy in my face! It’s not like she stuck her big t*ts in my face!”

- Here, let me get you a valium.

- She takes care of my softer side.

- You didn’t pay enough attention to me. I asked the Universe, is this all there is? and the Universe said yes. Then she came along and finally someone was paying attention to me. It was meant to be.

- When I told him I wanted him off the deed to our house: “What!? Don’t you trust me? I would take care of your children if something happened to you.”

- When I said why didn’t you tell me if you were unhappy and wanted to be with someone else, “What?! No one in their right mind would do that!”

- I guess this is a reflection on my character. And hers.

- (Five months later) I don’t know why you think it’s all hearts and flowers with her and that the sex is really wonderful. It’s JUST sex.

- When told him that I never actually liked the domination type sex he did with me all those years “Sorry bout that.” When I asked if he was doing that stuff with her, he said, “My whole sexuality has changed!”

- When he said we hadn’t been having enough sex, and I pointed out that a year and a half ago I got a chronic medical condition that prevented me from it, he said, “and when you got better, you never came back to the relationship!” He later told friends he thought I was faking and he was sick of having to come pick me up at work.

- When I realized he had porn on his computers and had been doing phone sex, he said, “well, you discovered my pathetic little sex life.”

- Said she was better for him because she has no kids, I said mine are all in their 20s and moved out of the house, he said, “and that’s another thing! all those trips to visit them!”

– I do still love you! and that’s the problem! Don’t you believe that I still love you? I said I wanted to split myself in two?”

– I care deeply about you but I don’t love you.

– When I told him he had to leave and move out of our house – “what? where am I supposed to go?” (Told him to go to her house).

– I can only imagine your pain.

– NO changes I made were done to hurt you.

– I am sorry I have done this to you this way. You deserve better.

– Do you have any f*cking idea how it feels to have every thing I gave you thrown back in my face? (because I made him move out)

– If you get therapy and get stronger then we might have a second chance. I’m very concerned that you aren’t getting over this yet. (At 2 months).

– I was a twisted person when you met me and I’m still a twisted person.

– I’m not a perfect man by any means.

– Dozens of times over 16 years I begged you to go to counseling and you refused every time. (When I pointed out this was a total lie:) We both know you have been developing memory problems and this was becoming a problem in the relationship too.

–I don’t need therapy! What I need, is MONEY! Not therapy! I need MONEY! And a HOUSE!

– Oh my god. I can’t believe I just yelled at you like that again.

– You uniquely draw the anger out of me.

– I would like to be treated as an equal. I would like you to treat me like you would like to be treated. (okay for starters, don’t cheat on me! don’t lie!)

– I told our friends you and I decided to go our separate ways. (I asked him to tell the truth, that I caught him cheating and kicked him out).

– I don’t know where I’m moving. It depends on where she finds a job.

– You and I are not an item anymore.

– Things will get a little better every day. And then you’ll forget me. They say it takes about a year.

– Right up to the end, I planned to stay. Then everything changed.

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bogie January 4, 2014 at 5:57 pm

Wow Muse – that is a lot of awesome ones, My favorite is this: – “I’m probably making the biggest mistake of my life and it probably won’t last with her, and my whole economy will crash, but I’ll never forgive myself if I don’t take advantage of this opportunity”, because my STBEX said that almost word for word – he gave it a year)

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TheMuse January 4, 2014 at 6:30 pm

Your STBX gave it a year… has he asked to come back yet? The best part about “my whole economy will crash” is that what he meant is he cannot support himself without my income. So this was basically an admission that he was using me for money and shelter.

The other really awesome one is the one about being 100% committed to me and in one instant that changing to a 100% commitment to her. Defies the very meaning of he word “committed.”

thanks, bogie!

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bogie January 5, 2014 at 5:38 am

We have only been separated 6 months, so no, he hasn’t asked to come back yet. He managed to buy everything he wanted in the 6 months before he told me he was unhappy (backhoe, wood splitter, really nice table saw, new snowmobile). I will get my half of that money back in the settlement.

When he asked why I was being that way (wanting my 1/2 back) I told him that he made sure he had all his toys when he KNEW that he wanted out. His response was they weren’t toys – they are needed to do work on the yard or supply wood for the woodstove.

Yeah, key point- they are needed by HIM, for HIM. Those won’t benefit me at all. So, I want my money back!

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echo February 9, 2014 at 11:06 am

Hahahahaha! I guess if the UNIVERSE speaks to you, you better do what it says. Now, I’m sure I’ve heard everything.

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Yoder January 7, 2014 at 9:46 am

Kelly, “… I believed him because I so desperately wanted to.” After all the empty skein untangling, that one statement of yours is the whole truth. It is also the most difficult to accept and to admit. Now that I have achieved Meh, I am taking advantage of its awesome power. I had no idea.

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Kelly January 7, 2014 at 12:39 pm

It’s like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, Yoder. Once you realize you had the power all along, it is actually the moment of freedom. I will never dumb down my abilities, achievements, self confidence, or intuition ever again.

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Yoder January 7, 2014 at 3:54 pm

As I lived in Kansa for several years, I understand completely. The realization I always had the power, was almost overwhelming. From this point on, I will make my on decisions and stick by them, ever moving forward and with the knowledge my instinct are right. Thank you.

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Bonita January 10, 2014 at 6:08 am

I needed to ” find myself”

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sky January 18, 2014 at 10:24 am

Background: I had moved abroad and left my own career for husband’s career and spent the last 10 months taking care of him 24/7 after a devastating accident. He started an online thing with a coworker. When I found out, he said ‘It happened because you never supported me in anything’.

He had also started up a work project with this coworker crush so that he could stay in constant contact with her. I told him to stop the project if he wanted to stay married to me. He looked at me with this hateful gaze and said ‘I can’t do that. Unlike you, I care about commitment.’

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TheMuse January 18, 2014 at 12:33 pm

sky, that’s crazy. back when i was still doing the pick me dance with my ex after d-day i flat out asked him to have sex with me and he said, “Joanne (OW) said that she was okay and understood that might happen, but I don’t feel it would be fair to all parties.” Oh and he started cheating with her after a year and a half of me having a serious medical condition. they sure suck, don’t they.

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Yoder January 18, 2014 at 10:48 am

Replace accident to serious illness and we are in the same boat. Stories are almost exactly alike. What stinkers.

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Jode70 January 22, 2014 at 10:50 pm

When I asked him if he was having an affair with her his response… No way, all I pay for then would be make up and spray tans…

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TheMuse January 26, 2014 at 9:13 am

“Well, yes, I made a procedural mistake.” After I said it was unfair for you to cheat on me. He’s trying to say that he planned to leave along, it was merely a “matter of timing.” I see this as akin to “Yes, I was lying to you all along, but I was planning to tell the truth to you at some point, it was merely a procedural matter of timing.”

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EmmaPemma January 31, 2014 at 2:43 pm

Hee Hee!

I have got the gift that keeps on giving…..

He wants to renew our vows. So…would that be before or after the divorce comes through?!

I can barely type for laughing!!!!! :D

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Laney January 31, 2014 at 9:16 pm

Omg this made me laugh! Been through that vow renewal nonsense…..a couple of years after the first affair (that I knew about…I’m sure it wasn’t the first), and about 6 months before he started being an asshole again. I was such a chump. Should have filed for divorce instead!

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Yoder January 31, 2014 at 4:37 pm

EmmaPemma, this is the funniest one yet!!!!! I always thought that couples renewing their vows, was a lovely reminder of their live together. Now, all I can think is, “I am SO glad we did not do that.”

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Laney January 31, 2014 at 9:26 pm

“It’s just words”. Said with a smirk on his face, when confronted about why he was trash talking me in a string of sexual texts to some woman he says he “just met at work”.

“Yes, I’m guilty of having an affair on you. But it only happened once”. Then two weeks later I found the credit card statement he’d hidden showing the 5 times in one month it happened, and he accused me of not trusting him when confronted with the bill. Ya think?

“I don’t know when you think I would have time for an affair. I’m always at work to provide for you and the kids”. Ha! That’s not what the paycheck shows.

I could go on but I feel more and more like a chump as I remember the stupid shit he says.

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Better off February 1, 2014 at 10:04 am

“You where a great wife and mother, but you weren’t thin enough”. (I was a size 10, at 5’6- the same size I was when we met and married.) Also at the time he cheating, I was a size 6 and prepping for air assault school with the army, running at least 5 miles a day and was quite the head turner. He admits to a heavy pornography addiction and says I can’t compare to the girls or variety of Internet porn.

Months later: “I want to save our marriage but I have to have sex with younger & thinner women” (I was 27).

Months later: He admits to a decade long child pornography addiction and destroys the hard drives that confirmed it. His excuse “it’s not like I was hurting anyone, I just looked”. Cue nausea.

Screw them! I started going to the gym with an old army buddy, reconnected with old friends and reported his ass (depite having no evidence aside from my journals). i doubt the karma bus will get him anytime soon since he is so careful to maintain his image. I’m hoping he’ll sign over rights to the kids at this point though since he neglects to call them or show for supervised visits. Who I thought he was is dead to me and I want nothing to do with the monster that was lurking underneath. It took awhile but I finally gave up on the fantasy of him that he helped me build in my mind and realized, it was all a fantasy. Actions will always speak louder than words to me now, and even those are scrutinized.

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Rumblekitty February 1, 2014 at 1:05 pm

* “ILYBINILWY”
* “You’re a very negative person”
* After finding out about his 8 month long affair, I told him I had a revenge lay the next night. He got up and starting screaming, “This is bullshit! I can’t believe you would do that to me!” He ran downstairs to his man-cave and started throwing beer mugs around. I walked to the landing and said, “Kidding.”
* “She’s a wonderful woman and I can trust her more than you!” Said in reference to the other woman, who was married with children and left her family for my cheater.
* “I’m a dick, but I’m not an asshole.”
* “You never want to watch TV with me.”
* “I didn’t do this on purpose, it just happened.”
* “She’s not even hot! She’s got horrible skin and she’s chubby.” Said in reference to OW.
* “Maybe we can date again after all this is over.”
* “I would rather put a bullet in my head than ever cheat on you.” Said about a month before I found out.

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Toogoodwife June 27, 2014 at 12:17 pm

I’m a dick but not an asshole.

THAT is HILARIOUS!!!

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nicolette14 February 2, 2014 at 5:26 pm

Him: She was a good friend, good coworker, she was cool.(with smile on his face)
I started to dig and then he says;
Him: She was a lying, stalking, crazy whore
Me: Why didn’t you tell me she was a lying, stalking, crazy whore when I first asked about her
Him: Because I didn’t know she was gonna turn into a lying, stalking, crazy whore.
Me: No when I asked you first, you told me she was a good friend/coworker and cool and when I am digging she turned into this? Why didn’t you tell me that when I first asked about her?
Him: I don’t know and I don’t care what that lying whore says, I never touched her!!
Me: why would she lie?
Him: that whore will lie and say we had sex just to break us up
Me: why would she lie about something like that?
Him: because I chose you not her
Me: I didn’t know there was any decision making, why wasn’t I informed about this?
Him: I meant in her head, in her crazy head I chose you not her and she thought we had something, it was all in her head, there was no decision making.
Me: Why did you answer all her calls?
Him: to tell her to stop calling me (one is over 20 minutes long)
Me: why did you call her back?
Him: to tell her why did you call me? and to tell her to stop calling me
Me: why did you meet her outside of work?
Him: to tell her I wasn’t interested
Me: so she didn’t get it on the phone many times and at work many times in person, so you had to go tell her in person to tell her you weren’t interested and the kiss happened?
Him: yes, then I completely ignored her and she kept telling me to stop seeing you and just be with her. And I kept telling her no, I am not interested then she kept saying “your confused, you don’t know what you want” then I said “no I don’t want you, I want her” she just wouldn’t leave me alone.
Me: how could a married coworker can insist to a man, that you stop seeing me and just be with her, if there was nothing between you?
Him: I don’t know, she was crazy, it was all in her head.
Me: Why did you go on the other side of the building to ask her “what, you hate me now, can’t even talk to me now?”
Him: because we worked together, I didn’t want her to hate me (they didn’t work in the same dept.)
Me: I thought you were completely ignoring her, you wanted nothing to do with her, she was stalking you yet you didn’t want your stalker to hate you? You didn’t even want to talk to her but you went to your crazy stalker to ask her that?

This is just a tip of the iceberg!! I can write a fucking book!!

This guy is a complete loser! His lies are/were unreal and as you can see, when none of what he said made sense, he had the balls to get mad at me for not believing his lies and started to gaslighting me saying, it’s all in your head, your mind is going crazy, there was nothing there, you think you know everything? You don’t know shit!”( boy that’s right, I didn’t know all the other shit)and with each new lie I discovered, he claimed each and every fucking time, now I knew everything, he told me the truth, all of it this time and there was nothing more that I didn’t know about, this went on like this until I had enough and got rid of the worthless piece of shit!!! He will deny, deny, deny and if you have some proof then he will put a new twist to why he was denying and change the story once more again and again. Oh he also had a nerve to tell me the reason he lied and kept lying because he was so afraid of losing me, geez he wasn’t afraid of losing me when he was banging that married bitch, at her or friend’s house or making out for 3 fn years in cars!! I feel sorry for the next chump!! Because he is an expert on gaslighting and the biggest lying, serial cheating sorry excuse for a man that I have ever met!! But I am enjoying my life now, like they say “the best revenge is living good” which I am doing now :)

PS: Too bad her husband don’t know what a whore she is!

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lunacat February 3, 2014 at 12:24 pm

She is just giving me divorce advice and showing me scriptures on peace

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Anxious Chump February 3, 2014 at 4:38 pm

“I thought the massage parlor was better than having an affair because there wasn’t any emotional attachment.”

“I know you’re an unhealthy weight, but you’re so hot when you’re this skinny.”

“I could never please you; the girls at the massage parlor didn’t care about my erectile dysfunction.”

Love,
Passive Aggressive Disordered husband who withheld sex, love and intimacy, gas-lighted, isolated and undermined to the point of you developing agoraphobia with panic and having no support system whatsoever, and emotionally abused you in various other ways for years, while screwing two hookers for the last 6 years (since *before* we were even engaged), and who still -to this moment- refuses to work out a separation, show compassion or stop mind-fucking.

This site is amazing-thanks for existing, Chump Lady:)

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Brittany February 4, 2014 at 12:59 am

My boyfriend screwed a hooker in Germany on New Year’s! To which he said: “It wasn’t emotional at all, no kissing. It wasn’t like you and I. I was incredibly drunk. It only lasted about 15 seconds.” LOL. What a gift that last statement was. “It will never happen again. This whole ordeal has shown me how much you really mean to me.” Come to find out he had slept with two other girls prior to the hooker. Once that lovely bit of information was out, he said: “It’s not that right time. I’m not in a position to be in committed relationship right now.” Well no shit Sherlock. And I thought medical school students were supposed to be intelligent… Then of course, the blame shift: “I would have broken up with you anyway because of the arguing. You were sleeping with other people before we were exclusive. I think we can agree that we both made mistakes.” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

Thanks for all your straight-forward, no bs posts! :)

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BP February 4, 2014 at 8:34 pm

I’ve noticed “it will never happen again” almost always means “it will totally happen again.” WEIRD.

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nicolette14 February 4, 2014 at 9:01 pm

I’ve noticed “it will never happen again” almost always means “it will totally happen again.”
I second that.

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KarenE March 2, 2014 at 10:26 am

In my case “it will never happen again” certainly meant “it will totally happen again”, AND he claimed he didn’t remember the conversation in which he promised it would never happen again, even if he was terribly unhappy w/me. You know, the conversation that convinced me not to leave him after the first time.

I still can’t wrap my mind around that!

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nicolette14 March 2, 2014 at 3:07 pm

same here KarenE, don’t you just love it how they have selective memory? While my fucktard ex was promising me “it will never happen again”, while begging me to give him just another chance and work it out, saying he will do anything, showing remorse AND crying with real tears, he was already fucking some other skank than another after that! That right there I still cant wrap my mind around that either! and to think I fell for that! I just don’t get it, I mean if they want to fuck others why do they waste our time? why is there need for lies? why go all that trouble to keep us in their lives, all the begging, crying etc, just go and fuck whoever you want as a single person and leave us the fuck alone!

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Janet February 4, 2014 at 5:34 am

For years I have gotten up with my H at 4 AM and made him breakfast sandwich/lunch and coffee as where he worked was inaccessable to food for his 12 hr shift. On cold mornings AFTER I did this I would go out and start his truck for him to warm it up/defrost. One morning he told me I didn’t do this SOON enough. Last time I did it. A Holes

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BP February 4, 2014 at 4:46 pm

“This type of thing just happens in most relationships.”

“I honestly didn’t feel bad about it because it never felt real.”

“When you choose to be with someone, you are accepting the possibility that they might find another person who is more compatible.”

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Jayne February 4, 2014 at 5:06 pm

“When you choose to be with someone, you are accepting the possibility that they might find another person who is more compatible.”

NOooooooooo!!!! He really said that!!!! OMG!

‘Hey gobshite – when you choose to be with someone, you are accepting the possibility that they might f’ing castrate you if you decide to go find another person who is more compatible’!

Please note disclaimer – other forms of fantasy revenge violence are available ;-)

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Jayne February 4, 2014 at 5:15 pm

Edit:

Please note disclaimer – other forms of fantasy revenge violence are widely available ;-)

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BP February 4, 2014 at 8:32 pm

Yep, really said it, acted very casual about the whole thing too, like, shrug, “it happens, what can I say”

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nicolette14 February 4, 2014 at 9:12 pm

mine said, “you were gone 3 weeks out of every 6 months in that 3 years and you have no idea what it did to me!” my reply, “really? poor poor baby, I guess you had no choice but to have a shoulder to cry on huh?” idiot!!

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DuskPearl February 5, 2014 at 7:37 pm

“It wasn’t planned & just happened”

“we realised we had feelings for eachother”

The way you reacted escalated this (me accusing him of having an affair after discovering emails to a she bloke co worker who was “just a friend”)

“I have been unhappy for years” (me, why not leave earlier then, why wait until you found someone? Him “guys are complacent”

“you don’t believe in psychics”

“we are like roommates who no longer get on”

OW feels bad but my H assures her not to feel bad “it’s not you, it’s not BS, it’s me” At least I dont feel inferior to the OW as she looks like a bloke & has the body of a footballer & it goes without saying that she is also ugly on the inside. My H is no oil painting & is not the greatest conversationalist so he took all he could get, but he needed a Harley to entice her!

When comparing him to his cheating father who he despises “my father cheated on my mother for 7 years” – moving in with the coworker the minute i asked him to move does not constitute as cheating as “nothing happened until he left”!!!

me – why didnt you say anything, him “I did & you said there is the door” – which is BS

Oh & his ex cheated on him!

He is in denial as he does not want to admit that he is no longer the nice guy that everyone thought he was or admit that he has turned in to his father…

This only happened 2 months ago & still very raw to me. My H & I were together for 12 years & married for 10 & he is the last person one would expect to cheat.

I think he is going through some type of internal breakdown & the Harley at 43 confirms it!

On a brighter note, my cousin says she can see him gassing himself in his car one day. Not funny I know…..

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Katrina February 6, 2014 at 11:37 am

When I asked what he saw in the OW… “She’s a nice kid.” Mind you, the cow he was cheating with is 36 years old and the AssHat was 40 at the time. There is nothing nice about her, nor is he all that bright.

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TKM April 26, 2014 at 11:11 pm

Love the “we’re just roommates” comment. I got that too. Along with I can’t be celibate any longer. Dick for brains obviously doesn’t know what the
word celibate means since we had sex two nights before Dday.

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thensome February 9, 2014 at 4:16 pm

Mine said, “I wouldn’t have had an affair if I was happy in the marriage.”

Well, many folks are “unhappy” in their marriages and they SAY something about it. They don’t stick their dick in another cause that’s a sure fire way to improve a marriage!

And when I said I had NO vote or part in his having an affair. He said, “You should meet her. She’s quite a remarkable woman actually.”

I said, “Yeah remarkable women fuck married men with kids alll the time. That’s amazingly remarkable. She’ll go down in history!”

Annnnnnnnd I kicked him out.

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threwhimout2 April 17, 2014 at 12:57 pm

ugh…what a jerk

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Jamila February 9, 2014 at 6:14 pm

I had to hear “every guy cheats”, and then listen to him tell me how a close friend of ours cheats on his wife, and to top it off: “you might as well stay with me cause you know I’m dedicated to you”. This is the guy who gave me an std while I was pregnant.

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nicolette14 February 9, 2014 at 7:08 pm

I got the same response! He denied denied and denied until he couldn’t deny anymore, then he said “every men does it!” and “what guy in his right mind would turn down a blowjob in a car?” and he said ” I am loyal to you and only you” huh?!?! how’s that work lol?
yep my ex also didn’t use any protection either and kept giving me that nasty OW’s recurring yeast infection for 3 fucking years, my doctor and I was baffled and I didn’t know it at the time, but since their last time of having sex, I didn’t have one single yeast infection in 6 years and never had one before in my whole life until he started to having sex with that nasty whore!. man that still pisses me off!! fucking swine!!

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Sleepless34 February 9, 2014 at 7:20 pm

I thought love could be about abundance instead of scarcity.

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mbstone February 10, 2014 at 7:24 pm

After being in a marriage for 20 years, being told as a stay at home mom and being told that my supposed diamond in the rough was having an affair with his cousin’s wife who ended up pregnant by a third man I was told “I thought she was safe” I made a mistake.” Fucktard your wife is safe! You made a choice!! Divorced 6 years and going back to court on Thursday for contempt of court. Ugh!

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EmmaPemma February 11, 2014 at 4:49 pm

Wow! That is a whole new level in Fuck Up!

I thought I had read everything on here, but you win for leaving me literally open mouthed!

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EmmaPemma February 11, 2014 at 4:50 pm

And clearly that should say Fucked up!

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Stina February 16, 2014 at 10:40 am

Another gaslighting gem that I was told too many times:

“I’m not willing to share my personal life with you right now”.

(Well, “F – you because you married me. That makes it personal, ass-clown.”)

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Janet February 16, 2014 at 10:45 am

Your nagging me with all these questions. There is no OW (that’s because she dumped his ass) You always nag me. She is a friend. Your nagging is driving us apart.
After keeping my mouth shut because I didn’t want to start a useless areguement I just don’t care anymore so if that is nagging so be it. FU

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nicolette14 February 16, 2014 at 12:15 pm

I had found his profile on Match and he claimed he opened that account for his brother and was looking to find a woman for his brother, not for himself. However it was his email, his name with all his personal info. Slender, 6 ft tall, divorced and 2 kids and had tattoos. His brother is fat, 5.10, never been married, no kids and no tattoos and he expected me to believe this, then says you trust no one lol!!

He said he would be transparent from now on and will not hide anything and finally gave me all his passwords to his emails, when I logged on in front of him on each email account they were all empty!! He deleted every email, contacts and any IM contacts and I said “what’s this? these are all empty, there is nothing here, not even one contact?”. His answer “well I had some contacts on email and IM contacts and I had no idea who they were, so I deleted them because I didn’t want you to question who they were because I couldn’t tell you who they were.” RIGHT…So much for being truthful and being transparent lol. Promising no more lies and hiding then gives me his email passwords after he deleted everything…You see what a frustrating mindfuck he was? You cant win with the cheating, gaslighting, deceitful fucktard!

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Patsy February 18, 2014 at 11:27 am

‘I never meant to replace you’

‘She was just a fantasy’

‘If it wasn’t her, it would have been somebody else’

‘She meant nothing’

[two years later]‘ I was fond of her’

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KarenE February 18, 2014 at 10:00 pm

“My mother worshipped me. All the “other women” worshipped me. You merely adored me when what I really needed was pure worship.”

Your ex said it, but if he were being honest, that is EXACTLY what my ex would be saying! I guess that was the one time your ex was honest, eh?

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Lisa February 19, 2014 at 1:56 am

It was just an online fling, no emotions involved ! I didn’t sleep with them

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TheMuse February 19, 2014 at 5:11 am

“All I did was take advantage of an offer.” Then, when exposed and I kicked him out and told him how disgusted I was he cheated on me, “all I did was make a procedural error” (in not telling me he was “in love” with OW and was “going to” leave me).

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Hollywood chump February 19, 2014 at 9:12 pm

“You should be happy that you are with a man who acts like a man.”

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KarenE February 21, 2014 at 11:59 pm

I think all honest men should be offended by that one!

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Gaby June 6, 2014 at 8:31 pm

I just went to throw up…

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Natalia February 24, 2014 at 7:16 pm

I met my husband while he was on tour with his band, with his girlfriend, just after he fucked my friend. I was young and naive, and could not resist the hot guy from the band from abroad. A year after we meet again, same thing, only this time he introduces me to his buddies as his girlfriend. He made me go along to the festival again, only this time, like some little cute scandinavian luxury trophygirl and showed me off to all his friends and bandmates. He was the nicest guy I had ever met, and he made me feel special, like the only girl in the would, and naively I believed that. At the time we were living with the atlantic ocean between us, and I was minor, and my mom would not let me travel to see him, she always had a bad feeling about him, so in the meantime I dated others, he denied everything, but I confessed to talking to others.
He was heartbroken he said, but looking back, I don’t believe that at all.
I decided 6 months after confessioning to seeing others, that I would give me and him a shot, and went and visited the guy.
I was head over heels in love when I came over to him, It was all good, and nice, then he wrote the guy I dated, and he freaked out, he punched me, kicked me, pushed me and said the most horrible things about me ever. “Whore, slut, cumdumbster”

two weeks after he travels to canada to play a show, forgets his memorycard on the kitchen table, and I mistake the card for mine, puts it in my phone and wham; pictures of him getting his dick sucked off by some whore!! there was other girls as well, and he said ” Oh, you said I could date others” “This would never have happened if you never touched that german kid” “you know I’m prone to do those kinda things” “If you hadn’t been such a gutterslut, none of this would ever have happened”

Year after I found viagra receipts for when I was home in scandinavia, his viagra bottle empty, condoms in his drawer.

Cheating?? Yes indeed.

But I stayed, and after further 6 months, I just found out he’s talking to some girl he met at a show. He cried his eyes out for days when I confronted him with the girl, because I believed the fucker had changed, but no, after spending a grand to go and see him one last time and gather my belonings in his apartment, I have to find out myself that he of course did not dump the bitch. He called her from the homephone more in ten days than him and I spoke the 60 days we were apart. And icing on the cake; I just found out he got checked for STDS back the same time he got the viagra prescribtion when I was back home. I can’t belive how fucking naive and stupid I have been.

at least I know that he will be miserable, living in filth when I leave next week. I haven’t confronted him about either the phonecalls or the std check-up, I can’t take the truth. I know what it is.

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RNE February 26, 2014 at 5:10 pm

When I questioned him about the woman I saw on a chat app on his phone, “let’s do it one last time before I tell you.”

I was crying hysterically at the time too. Turns out, she’s a woman he met when he was sent to Guam with the army for a humanitarian mission. She has a bajillion kids and is older than me, plus, according to him, she knows about me and our two sons. Sounds like a winner to me. I hope he moves to Guam to be with her when the divorce is final and stays the hell away from me.

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EmmaPemma February 26, 2014 at 6:52 pm

Sweetie, there is no easy way to say this…..

Have you been checked for HIV? There is a high rate of infection in Guam, so …… you dont need me to spell it out do you?

I am so sorry to bring this up but you need to protect yourself.

What an utter cunt he is for doing that to you.

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RNE February 26, 2014 at 7:09 pm

No, I just found out about the affair on Sunday and have been running around the last couple of days, getting mine and my kids things ready to leave him. He’s stationed in Hawaii and so, we’re on this island away from family and friends since all of the ones I had here knew about the affair and never told me. I leave for the mainland tomorrow night.

So now, on top of losing everything, I have to worry about disease. Im def getting checked as soon as I get home. Thank you for letting me know. When am I going to wake up from this nightmare?

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Gaby June 6, 2014 at 8:34 pm

RNE just wanted to ask how are you doing? I read your posts. My heart breaks for you.

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Kristine March 2, 2014 at 4:10 am

Awesome!

I have a VERY similar experience to the man in the cartoon bellowing about how “her” husband doesn’t care….

My sex-addicted husband, vowed that he would get serious about “recovery” and STOP “acting out.” INSTEAD, he chose to become head-over-heals-in-love with one more object of his desire, one more SEXUAL affair!

He delayed, bypassed, excused, etc., etc., providing a “clinical disclosure” to come clean, tell me everything about his sixteen years of sexual/emotional betrayal. He danced around my request for this information for 18 months. Some therapists even supported his delay! Obviously, over all of this time, I insisted that he leave our home until he decided to get serious about stopping his promiscuous exploits.

BUT, finally, he agreed that he would provide the information, and he arranged to work with a leading national sex addiction therapist to begin this process. As noted, of course, he got side-tracked with this new sexual affair.

This time, he was not secretive! This time, he sent reports about how she was a fantastic lover, fun, enthusiastic, a blast; and that she was “supportive” of him – a great listener – an incredible woman!

FINALLY, he told me, “I told her about every single secret sexual infidelity I betrayed you with through our entire marriage.
SHE now knows more about our marriage than you do! AND she was supportive of me. SHE understood. SHE was very compassionate!’

Wow.

Of course, when he then dumped her and moved on to the next woman, she sent him a message stating: “you make me sick to my stomach!”

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Rally Squirrel April 5, 2014 at 8:33 am

That whole “she was supportive of me” thing that cheaters say about their OW — seems to be a common phrase from the Cheater’s Playbook. What is that, really? My then-husband used about four variations of the word “support” when I asked him what his mistress gave him that I didn’t.

“She supports me.” “She’s always there when I need her.” “She’s so supportive.” “She’s my biggest supporter.”

Here’s how I would decode that: “She offers a seemingly bottomless supply of kibbles, 24/7, whenever I am in need of a quick fix for this hole in my stunted, hopelessly needy soul. She soothes my recurring sense that there might be something wrong with me. Cuz I don’t want to have to think about that shit.”

She’s his mommy AND his bedroom freak! Win-win!

See, early in our relationship, I was the grown-up. I thought he would actually mature in time, but he never did. I’ve always been the grown-up in our 20-year marriage. He REQUIRES a grown-up to operate in life with a sufficient degree of smoothness. And since he is incapable of (and uninterested in) fulfilling the role of grown-up, he needs to fill that spot with someone.

Anyone will do.

He and the mistress-now-girlfriend have been carrying on a long-distance relationship for almost four years now. That totally works for him, I think. He gets all her support with none of the day-to-day tedium of real life. As soon as she begins to place ordinary demands on him — you know, like people do in real life? — there’s going to be trouble in paradise.

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GladIt'sOver April 5, 2014 at 12:18 pm

I told my ex on a few occasions that what he wanted was a cheerleader, not a wife. He agreed and asked what was wrong with that. For him, the only role of a partner is to endlessly “support” and cheer him on. If there is any sign of real life, if the partner should point out any flaws in his endless crazy schemes, if the partner has needs of her own….. well, then she is a terrible, negative person he has to discard.

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threwhimout2 April 17, 2014 at 12:53 pm

Kristine..I could have written this. I could never empathize more.

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Kristine March 2, 2014 at 4:35 am

As I read through every single one of your postings here, I want to respond to each one: “ME, TOO!”
Infections, infections, infections, and entirely confused. I even kept having dreams that my husband was betraying me!
Terrible dreams. I would wake up feeling angry, sad, hurt, and I would actually think: “why are you so……. insecure?”
I would tell my husband about these dreams, year after year, and he would say, “Poor babe! Why would you feel so insecure?”

When I discovered the truth, I was ENRAGED that I had NOT listened to my body, my subconscious mind. My body actually developed an odd, inflammatory response when he first started sexually betraying me. My physicians were entirely confused. They ordered endless tests, put me on very strong drugs, and scratched their heads. NOTHING came up positive, but my immune system was FLARING, desperately, fiercely acting to eliminate toxins! And my dreams. My entire being knew what was happening, and I was so manipulated, I was not listening to every particle of my self WARNING me.

And every one of the phrases you have posted! Yes! Yes! Yes!

WHY would any human ever think such statements would make his partner feel better? When I hear, “she doesn’t mean anything to me,” I nearly go insane! SHE DOESN’T MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU BUT YOU ARE WILLING TO BETRAY ME, TO DESTROY OUR MARRIAGE, TO DAMAGE THE CHILDREN, TO LOSE OUR HOME — AND SHE DOESN’T EVEN MEAN ANYTHING???????”

OR: “It wasn’t about her, not about Elizabeth. IT could have been any woman. Lily or Susan or Ella or Joyce. She was just a body, just any woman that would listen to me!”

WOW! WHY didn’t you come home and talk to me?????? I have been asking you to do that for 16 years!!!!!!

WHAT IN THE WORLD IS WRONG HERE? WHY IS THIS SO RAMPANT? SURELY these statistics were not so extreme in the past.
Technology? WHAT? Stupidity? Lack of human regard? Lack of ability to form attachments?

It’s all insane. Destructive. Cruel.

I wonder, often, though, if it has reached such extreme proportions because we allow it – because we permit it. Because some women listen to the crap about how the dude’s wife is “not affectionate,” she doesn’t sexually please him, she is cold, etc., etc., etc..

Even countless magazine articles about the “affair-proof marriage” — ALL BALONEY! BALONEY! And all, again, focusing blame on the WOMAN for somehow not pleasing the man! First, why would the man then turn away from her and the marriage instead of working to improve the marriage? WHAT is HIS responsibility? I do not even believe that is the issue – EVER!
He is escaping intimacy, he is escaping responsibility, he is hungering for a fantasy world, and instead of taking steps to create a loving, supportive marriage, he wanders off into ga-ga land.

I never in a million years even imagined that I would experience such a degrading, ridiculous situation.

A psychologist I saw when I first discovered the truth made a statement that at the time I thought was absurd. BUT, over the past now nearly two years, I return to his view again and again:

“BUT YOU WERE A GOOD WIFE! YOU ARE A GOOD MOTHER! YOU DID CREATE A WONDERFUL, HEALTHY HOME. YOU HAD A GOOD MARRIAGE! YOU DID EVERYTHING RIGHT! EVERYTHING! You have not reason to question anything you did. Not ever. You are not responsible for your husband. He chose to not participate. That’s his problem! But, now, RUN!”

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Gaby June 6, 2014 at 8:27 pm

Kristine, it is as if you wrote my story and my thoughts. This is a sick sick world we are living in. Entitlement is rampant. I am sorry for your loss. And when I see you were writing at 4 am I have to guess you have trouble sleeping. I do too.
I was married 20 years and thought I had an amazing family and the best man on planet earth. Then out of the blue, almost two years ago too, he said he was leaving, a month later I found about the slut, and then another one, and another one. Of course, he says everything was my fault. His actions are consequences of a troubled marriage. BS. But it has taken me all this time to start standing up and rejecting his stupid arguments and see clearly what your therapist said ( and mine too), that I was a good wife and mom and this wasn’t my fault.
Anyway, I am here if you ever need to talk. Blessings.

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Kristine March 2, 2014 at 4:45 am

“I was finally beginning to open up, to be ready for real intimacy, and you’re so angry about my betraying you that I just needed another woman who could listen to my inner self.”

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Kristine March 2, 2014 at 4:47 am

“Go ahead and leave. You need to go out there and find out that every man cheats on his wife. Every man lies. Every man is abusive. Go ahead. Welcome to the real world!”

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Janet March 2, 2014 at 3:30 pm

Mine completely denied the whole affair after he had told me many specific details about it and asked for a divorce so he could marry her. WTF

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Kat March 3, 2014 at 6:04 pm

When he confessed, I asked him if he was going to break it off with her (it was only 12 hours after I finally got the confirmation he’d been cheating) he said “Well, I guess I have to now…” Then by hour 18 he asked me when was I going to get over it..? I left two weeks later. How did it take 10 years to see what a jackass he was?

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George March 9, 2014 at 1:41 pm

Oh, she answered I honestly don’t remember that, you have much better memory than I do.
I’m sure that never happened.
I love you, but I’m not in love with you.
I was someone else then.

Her: I’ll never cheat on you.
Me: Again.
Her: What?
Me: You need to finish the sentence – I’ll never cheat on you again.
Her:

From her diary, after it was “over”: “I don’t know what the big deal was, all I wanted was to have a man in my life.”
On Christmas Day – I did not call him. (so how did his number get on the last-number-dialed?)
I did not write him that letter. (the one dated 12/25 – Mark, I am so sorry to have called you this morning but I love you so much I just had to hear the sound of your voice…)
I am not a liar.

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threwhimout2 April 17, 2014 at 12:48 pm

Wow George….she is NUTS.

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Super Chump March 10, 2014 at 2:08 pm

I thought that if I stopped seeing her that no one would ever be nice to me again.

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NoMoreLies March 15, 2014 at 10:03 am

A day after his cheating (years of serial/double/triple life) was discovered, he said “Let’s renew our vows and we can have a fresh start”.

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Andrea March 20, 2014 at 2:12 am

“She doesn’t want to be thought of as a home-wrecker.”

No, no… I expect she doesn’t.

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Jenny March 21, 2014 at 8:14 pm

Then maybe she should stop f**king other people’s husbands. Nasty skank.

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Andrea March 21, 2014 at 9:11 pm

You know, I completely understand. I mean, *I* don’t want to be thought of as a home-wrecker either! Oh, wait. I’m not. ;) Problem solved.

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EmmaPemma March 21, 2014 at 9:25 pm

I know someone (not a friend, someone who worked at our local bar) who went all out to get men who were taken, thats how fucked up she was. She got her kicks and self esteem from a man dumping his wife for her, then she would dump him and move on to the next “challenge”.

She said that she hated that people saw her as a marriage wrecker, she yelled at me and stormed out when I said “Well dont fuck other womens husbands then!”

She finally seemed to be happy with a man who was free, they got together, lived together and agreed to move abroad. All was good. Then she was back within 2 months and he was stuck there because he had agreed to a 2 year secondment. She was so thrilled that he had loved her enough to do that, even though he hadnt wanted to go in the first place. It proved his love for her apparently, shame she didnt give 2 shiney shites about him. :(

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Kara March 21, 2014 at 10:35 pm

Too late for that, ain’t it?

If she didn’t want to be thought of as home wrecker she probably shouldn’t have fucked a married man.

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Andrea March 20, 2014 at 2:59 am

Oh, and can I add another stupid thing the OW said?

Today a mutual friend told me that STBXH and OW had a flaming fight just after New Year’s and he stomped out and they broke up. OW told our mutual friend that she hoped that I wouldn’t go back to him because “he is seriously messed up.”

Uh huh. Thanks so much for your concern for my welfare, you skank. I know it’s been uppermost in your mind all along.

(And no, I won’t…but not because YOU advised me not to, you damn bitch. I’m listening to my friends on CL!)

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EmmaPemma March 21, 2014 at 9:28 pm

Why do they never think “Hmmm….if he is treating his wife like that, what will he do to me?!”

Stupid stupid fucked up slappers!

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Kara March 21, 2014 at 10:36 pm

Of course not. They’re “special.”

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Andrea March 21, 2014 at 11:11 pm

Yes! OW was special. They were each others’ “one true love.” Until they weren’t.

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threwhimout2 April 17, 2014 at 12:42 pm

hello?? that’s what I say…hmm..”if he can do that to his wife of 20 years” he could never do that to me.

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Hoko March 20, 2014 at 8:04 am

Mine said “I didn’t think a girl like that would go for a guy like me”

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EmmaPemma March 21, 2014 at 9:29 pm

Which shows his lack of self awareness, because like attracts like!

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Andrea March 21, 2014 at 11:37 am

“I’m a better man when I’m with her.”

No, dear. When you are with her, you are a cheating adulterous lying deceitful man. Which you never were before. Well, maybe, but not so obviously. And now you always will be.

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Andrea March 21, 2014 at 9:09 pm

I mean, I believe that makes you a worse man.

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threwhimout2 April 17, 2014 at 12:40 pm

ugh? why do they say these kind of things? If I was going to leave my family and cheat on my husband I would least TAKE THE BLAME.

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SAChump March 23, 2014 at 4:20 pm

“I never talked to her (the OW) about you, out of respect”

“We didn´t have a relationship (with OW after a year of cheating) because there was no view of the future”

“She (the OW) is suffering too”

“She (the OW) suddenly arrived in my life (like she fell from heaven)..it could have happened to you…”

“I wrote those erotic poems for you (during years of a sexless marriage)!”

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Laura July 26, 2014 at 11:49 pm

I got the opposite of this. I got, “I talked to her about you and the kids and how much I love and care about you.” Hahahaha! Really!

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FoolMeTwice March 24, 2014 at 2:35 pm

Me at lunch to my X after observing him jacking off to porn 6 feet away from me in our bedroom (far from the first time) when he thought I was still sleeping: “Why were you jacking off to porn again?”
X: “I wasn’t jacking off to porn.”
Me: “Then what were you doing with your penis in your hand when you were sitting in front of the computer with the sound off watching YouPorn?
X: (angrily) “I feel like I am being stalked!”

How the hell is observing what is happening less than 6 feet away from you in your own bedroom ‘stalking’? smh

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threwhimout2 April 17, 2014 at 12:37 pm

so gross…i hate jerkoffs

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Free2b1 March 26, 2014 at 6:19 pm

During false reconcilliation # 2,(my husband to me)…”How long am I going to have to eat this shit sandwich?”

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Lilac March 28, 2014 at 5:58 am

When I found cialys pills with seven missing, he told me that he had no idea how they got there. Then he remembered that they came as a free sample with another medication. He cannot figure out why some are gone. He must have given them to someone but he cannot remember. It was fun to watch him sputter.

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TodoVa April 2, 2014 at 5:41 pm

STBH: “It was a dare, what was I supposed to do?!?

What are you, 5 years old? SESHHH…grow-up!

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TodoVa April 2, 2014 at 5:41 pm

sorry…should be STBXH :)

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Kara April 2, 2014 at 6:04 pm

Well golly! Don’t ya know if he didn’t do it, Biff the schoolyard bully would cream him and he’d be called a chicken? Then no one would pick him for kickball and he’d have to eat lunch with the chess club nerds!

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Janet April 5, 2014 at 9:29 am

Ah this sounds familiar. My H had an EA with an old girtlfriend; she fed him ego kibbles I ran the house. Now after she has seen there is really no future she has dumped him. He love bombed me and I didn’t respond. I feel that he really is unhappy with our marriage (of 24 yrs) but s afraid to lose the day to day support I give him. Very hard times right now

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threwhimout2 April 17, 2014 at 12:34 pm

lol J..I love that..ego kibbles? ha! I’m using that one. Hang in there J. My husband was unhappy with our 20 year marriage too…we can’t make them unhappy…no one can.

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threwhimout2 April 17, 2014 at 12:35 pm

I meant happy…..

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TheMuse April 5, 2014 at 8:34 pm

Him: “Every effort by me [to help] deserves to be punished after it has been fully misconstrued.”
Me: “What exactly do you want from me now? And what would be reasonable to expect?”
Him: “I expect nothing but I would like to be treated as an equal. I would like you to treat me like you would like to be treated.”
HE DOESN’T SEE THE HYPOCRISY IN THIS????????????????????????????????
He’d like ME to treat HIM the way I would like to be treated!!!!!
Okay for starters here is the way I would like to be treated: DON’T CHEAT ON ME. DON’T LIE TO ME. Don’t take my financial support for 16 years if you have no commitment to me.

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Current chump April 7, 2014 at 1:08 am

I caught soon to be XH at an Asian massage parlor that advertises erotic rubs, etc-basically hookers/prostitues and he tells me I can’t be mad because nothing happened & I didn’t physically see him screwing or his dick in someone’s hand, etc. mind you I was waiting for him to come out & this hooker palace advertises on every sleazy website & has customer reviews for sex, handjob, blowjob etc but he’s the only guy who goes there & gets nothing? Whatever! And then he was mad at me that I used the find my iPhone app to find him-mind you I was waiting at his parents house with his family & our 4 yr old son because it was his dads 76th bday…….but he’s angry with me because I violated his privacy. Loser. So what of I can’t make him talk/confess-I can make myself single & leave this turd in the dust. Oh & can’t wait to let everyone know about his porn & massage parlor addiction when I leave. He can kiss his squeaky clean perceived image goodbye

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Carrie April 18, 2014 at 12:59 pm

I am so so sorry. I see a Sex Addict. Look into the book “Out of the Shadows” by Partick Carnes and a Book for you may be “My Sexually Addicted Spouse” by Barbara Steffens

I have unfortunately been thrown into the pit of studying sex addiction and I pray you fare batter than I …

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Current chump April 7, 2014 at 1:14 am

And this-that after I caught him, he says he needs his privacy…..WTF with these freaks!!
I found out about the porn bullshit & he has been watching it so much on his iPhone that it is eating up all the data on our phone contract & then tells me to check my phone or our sons iPad because something is daring all the data. God he’s a dumbfvck!!! He’s to stupid to figure out it’s him!!! I can’t imagine what the data on his 2nd secret cell phone looks like. Can’t wait to divorce this turd!!!!

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Krassdaddy April 16, 2014 at 8:15 am

You’re being paranoid. My boss is over 50, has been married for 26 years and is heavier than you! He’s just a good friend and we have a laugh over pints at the hotel bar sometimes on our overnight trips. He’s only tried to kiss me once when drunk over a year ago! You’re crazy if you think I’d ever fool around with him. He’s the CEO!

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Wow33 April 16, 2014 at 2:45 pm

After 22 of a happy marriage I discovered he had a affair with a married women. I did the pick me dance for 7 months ,but they’re was no remorse or anything else. The affair went deeper into the ground. I filled 8 months ago. That turd is still in the house with us and divorce is not final yet!! He told me infront of the children that the only thing good I did in this marriage, was giving birth to our kids!!! That is so hurtful and mean

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nicolette14 April 16, 2014 at 4:04 pm

in front of your children???? your STBX is one of the biggest POS ever!! He needs to get the fuck out of your house and move in with the OW! Don’t let him get to you and wash your hands off of him!

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threwhimout2 April 17, 2014 at 12:30 pm

I’m sorry Wow :( but you know that is not true. Hugs.

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threwhimout2 April 17, 2014 at 12:27 pm

When I found and read the texts from his married coworker he says, “you better fix this.” Oh and…”I swear on our children I haven’t cheated on you.” and this…”you are the one who filed for divorce.” Funny because he never contested it.

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threwhimout2 April 17, 2014 at 12:44 pm

You know what I love? When I see divorced men on my dating sites saying they are “looking for their soulmate.” Isn’t that what you said to your first wife? how did that work out for you? Maybe you’ll mean it in the second marriage? just dumb!

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KarenE June 3, 2014 at 1:05 pm

IMHO, anybody over 23 who thinks they’ll find a soulmate needs their head examined!

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threwhimout2 April 17, 2014 at 1:38 pm

Oh here’s a good one…I hired a private investigator (since I was being accusing of him) to prove what I thought was going on and to protect myself from a gross STD. He finds out and says to me, “I can’t trust you.”

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ThrewHimOut2 April 17, 2014 at 1:45 pm

“I don’t comfortable in my own house anymore.” Hmm…maybe because you are LYING and CHEATING on your family?!!!

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Deb April 17, 2014 at 11:36 pm

notice he said house not home..yup

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Deb April 17, 2014 at 11:32 pm

I heard

“It just happened, I didn’t plan it”

“You would like her”

“I just happened, I won’t stop”

“You ruined everything” that came out of his mouth right after he told me he was having an affair….I ruined everything.

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Deb April 17, 2014 at 11:34 pm

I have another one that was said in the therapists office

he asked the therapist…”do you like chocolate or peanut brittle? I want chocolate”

So, it really enraged me as I really like peanut brittle and I really don’t want to be compared as it, and anyway CHOCOLATE IS IN A MOLD, IT ISN’T CREATIVE AND WONDERFUL LIKE PEANUT BRITTLE

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Carrie April 18, 2014 at 12:53 pm

“I loved you the entire time, and thought that what you did not know would not hurt you”

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Gail April 18, 2014 at 5:53 pm

MY STBX decided that he wanted to go to,the ow sons birthday party , and drop our kids off with me (on his weekend) after not seeing his own kids for 2 weeks .

That apparently was my fault as the kids did not know about the OW and I did not want them to meet her as it was too soon

Well you had to tie my hands behind my back or I would have knocked him flying.

He did in fact take our youngest, ( what 5 year old cannot be tempted by cake and a party) but not only that my youngest stayed the night .

I was beyound rage.

Needless to say divorce papers served and lawyer going for everything we can get.

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indychump April 20, 2014 at 12:47 pm

Still unable to wrap my head around all the stupid out of my douchecheaters’s cake hole.

1) it was ONLY 3-5 escorts. Surprise, Turns out it was 13! -(hey dickwad, even 1 was 1 too many!)

2) it was only “missionary” – he finally admitted that was a stupid ass lie. ( hey douche, the fact you skipped the 69ing made it all okay, and I’m just keen and happy about that! Whew! I was so worried about the position! Right, bite me!)

3) when I asked if he enjoyed all the young hot hos, he replied, “there are lots of 50 year old escorts” – he admitted to only f*ing 20 something’s. But it wasn’t about age or looks, just the thrill of the chase and all that. ( douche, feel free to chase those asses the rest of your life, cause you sure aren’t getting any more of mine!)

Wow, just wow. I may need a freaking airtight alibi. I’m so fracking pissed over this big pile of stupid shit.

Channelling the rage, I’m so much better than this shit.

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nicolette14 April 20, 2014 at 2:18 pm

Yes you are better than this shit indychump! dump the asshole and never look back and make sure you get tested for STD’s since you never know. Like a friend of mine always says “lose that fucking zero and go get yourself a new hero!” :)

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Layla April 21, 2014 at 8:09 am

“I don’t know why I did what I did”

“I didn’t want to leave, you made me leave, it’s all your fault”

“I know she’s not good for me on paper, but my heart tells me I can’t be without her”

“I was just trying to be her friend and help her out with her drug problems”

“She’s not as bad as I made her out to be” (oh ok, so you described her as a pathetic loser who didn’t bother to graduate high school, had two children by two different men by the time she was 20, doesn’t have a job, doesn’t have a car, doesn’t take care of her children, has no future goals other than to marry you, does drugs, begged you to have sex with her, “blackmailed” you into sleeping with her and by her own actions has proven to me that she is an immature child who thinks it’s funny to break up a family and then brag about it online on social media, but she’s not as bad as all that huh?)

“You would like her if you met her” (Um, no, why would I want to hang out with a little girl 15 years younger than me?)

“she likes it when I hit her, it’s a thing we do”

“You never trusted me”

I could go on and on. The stupidity of the things he said to me and his reasons for cheating just don’t make any sense at all.

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Janet April 21, 2014 at 8:30 am

Layla, there will be no GOOD reason he is not thinking with a body part designed to reason. Actually she probably makes him feel all powerful or like my H he likes to feel he is the “knight in shining armour” saving the poor damsel. Don’t look for a reason you will only drive yourself crazy. He will also blameshift saying it is all your fault he is driven into the arms of this slut. Just don’t listen or aregue or even try to make sense. Let him go live with her. Get a lawyer.

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Layla April 21, 2014 at 1:36 pm

Yes Janet… I’ve thought more than once that what he is drawn to with her is that he feels like he can fix her (Knight in Shining Armor). He’s her savior, he’s going to make her life all better, but meanwhile he’s ignoring his child and hurt me in the process. I’m not a very needy person, never have been, so when he realized that I didn’t NEED him he had to go find someone who did. This “girl-child” he’s with is completely enamored with him. Dumped her kids and took off to go be with her lover. I already did let him go live with her…. kicked his lying cheating behind right out the door and haven’t looked back since. She can have him. They deserve each other because at this point, no intelligent person in their right mind would get involved with either one of them.

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KarenE June 3, 2014 at 1:09 pm

The weirdest part is that they love the IDEA of being someone’s Knight in Shining Armour, but don’t want the responsibilities and obligations that would come with actually caring for someone, committing to them, and working to make them happy. What they actually want is to be LOOKED AT as if they were that Knight. They want that admiration, that praise, those ego kibbles. Funny how fast it tends to wear off, though, once they’re living that in reality.

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Anne M April 22, 2014 at 9:04 pm

I was recently divorced from my husband of 10 years. We dated for 3 years before that. He was living a double life, cheating with anyone who was willing, the lower-class and more vulnerable, the more he pursued them. He has been rumored to also be having an affair with a gay man who works with him. Based on the type of women he prefers, I don’t think it’s out of the question that he is gay or bisexual. He preferred his affair partners to be married with small children. He was a member of Ashley Madison for many years. If you asked anyone who knew us–his family, my family, our closest friends, even me–he worked very hard to be a “perfect husband”. I thought I had a perfect husband and a perfect life. He was always saying how much he loved me, how we had the best marriage of any of our friends, laughing about how we had sex more often than all of our friends, and he was always doing nice things for me. I truly was blindsided by what turned out to be his sex addiction. He had everyone fooled. Constant affairs, porn videos, affair/dating websites, constantly texting/pursuing other women, and extremely high risk behavior, like flying married women with him on business trips with his most important clients and hiding these women in his room. I praise God every single day that we didn’t have children. I truly believe God was protecting me from having that connection to him. He ended up breaking up multiple local marriages and he got one of the women pregnant while we were still married. He said a lot of things to me that make me ill to think about:

When he called me on Valentines Day to tell me the marriage was over: “I needed you to help build my career, but I don’t need you any more.” And the part that really cemented in my mind that he is a sociopath: “I never loved you. The relationship was a sham since Day 1–I faked the whole relationship. I didn’t even care about you when we were dating.” (We met in school; I later found out that he’d made comments to classmates at the beginning of the school year about how I was going to be his “trophy wife” and that he’d dump me if I ever gained weight. I was then, and still am, between 20-25 pounds underweight–I’m extremely naturally thin. He also told me repeatedl “You’re gaining too much weight.” I remember asking my best friend, “Am I getting heavy or gaining weight?” And she was angry that I asked because I’m the thinnest person she knows. But he was so manipulative that he had me convinced I was gaining weight when I wasn’t.

I asked why he had cheated with dozens of women, mostly married women: “It made me feel powerful to sleep with other mens’ wives. I couldn’t stop.”

When discussing the role family played in the breakup: “My mom worshipped me. All the other women all worshipped me. You merely adored me, and what I really needed was worship.”

I am so happy to be divorced from him! I went through 6 months of hell getting tested for every STD under the sun. My doctor prepared me for the worst, as in other cases like this, the wife has often tested positive for some disease. I am so thankful that I am healthy. And more than anything, I am ashamed to have any connection to such a piece of shit person. He has no integrity; no soul. My life has always been so open and honest. Everything about him is a lie. I wish his new wife and baby the very best of luck, because they will certainly need it.

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Anne M April 22, 2014 at 9:07 pm

I was recently divorced from my husband of 10 years. We dated for 3 years before that. He was living a double life, cheating with anyone who was willing, the lower-class and more vulnerable, the more he pursued them. He has been rumored to also be having an affair with a gay man who works with him. Based on the type of women he prefers, I don’t think it’s out of the question that he is gay or bisexual. He preferred his affair partners to be married with small children. He was a member of Ashley Madison for many years. If you asked anyone who knew us–his family, my family, our closest friends, even me–he worked very hard to be a “perfect husband”. I thought I had a perfect husband and a perfect life. He was always saying how much he loved me, how we had the best marriage of any of our friends, laughing about how we had sex more often than all of our friends, and he was always doing nice things for me. I truly was blindsided by what turned out to be his sex addiction. He had everyone fooled. Constant affairs, porn videos, affair/dating websites, constantly texting/pursuing other women, and extremely high risk behavior, like flying married women with him on business trips with his most important clients and hiding these women in his room. I praise God every single day that we didn’t have children. I truly believe God was protecting me from having that connection to him. He ended up breaking up multiple local marriages and he got one of the women pregnant while we were still married. He said a lot of things to me that make me ill to think about:

When he called me on Valentines Day to tell me the marriage was over: “I needed you to help build my career, but I don’t need you any more.” And the part that really cemented in my mind that he is a sociopath: “I never loved you. The relationship was a sham since Day 1–I faked the whole relationship. I didn’t even care about you when we were dating.” (We met in school; I later found out that he’d made comments to classmates at the beginning of the school year about how I was going to be his “trophy wife” and that he’d dump me if I ever gained weight. I was then, and still am, between 20-25 pounds underweight–I’m extremely naturally thin. He also told me repeatedly “You’re gaining too much weight.” I remember asking my best friend, “Am I getting heavy or gaining weight?” And she was angry that I asked because I’m the thinnest person she knows. But he was so manipulative that he had me convinced I was gaining weight when I wasn’t.

I asked why he had cheated with dozens of women, mostly married women: “It made me feel powerful to sleep with other mens’ wives. I couldn’t stop.”

When discussing the role family played in the breakup: “My mom worshipped me. All the other women all worshipped me. You merely adored me, and what I really needed was worship.”

I am so happy to be divorced from him! I went through 6 months of hell getting tested for every STD under the sun. My doctor prepared me for the worst, as in other cases like this, the wife has often tested positive for some disease. I am so thankful that I am healthy. And more than anything, I am ashamed to have any connection to such a piece of shit person. He has no integrity; no soul. My life has always been so open and honest. Everything about him is a lie. I wish his new wife and baby the very best of luck, because they will certainly need it.

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TKM April 24, 2014 at 1:25 pm

My dog turd said he cheated because I forced him to buy a dog 12.5 years ago and it was too soon after the death of our first dog (2 years had gone by between the death of the first dog and the purchase of the second dog).

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miles June 3, 2014 at 2:50 pm

the dog? hahaha I know it’s not a laughing matter. I am dealing with a serial cheating wife myself. Yet, the excuses and reasons that cheaters have the nerve to even verbalize, seem to be never ending and always self supporting. Cheaters will always have these excuses. Drop dead cheaters! you’re out! OH YOU TEE OUT!

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TKM April 24, 2014 at 1:35 pm

Another great reason my dog turd offered was that I forced him to purchase our antique bedroom set from Brittany, France that has lots of beautiful carvings of country life in the wood. He claimed the wood carvings in the furniture made him feel like he was sleeping in a church. I guess that meant he felt like the wood people were judging his cheater ass and couldn’t stand it.

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TKM April 26, 2014 at 1:03 am

“I can’t be celibate”. Really? Do you even know what the word means? We had sex two nights ago. Is this mind fuck? Wait, I understand now. You’re doing the lying by omission thing I recently learned you’re so good at. What you really mean is that you can’t be celibate for a day. Am I getting warmer? Or perhaps you mean you can’t be celibate with the OW any longer who you have been cheating with in every other way for the past several years. No,
I’m pretty sure you have been going at it with her for some time. Must be a simple mind fuck.

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Jenn April 27, 2014 at 9:45 am

When I confronted the OW after catching her in a date with my husband and called her a whore she informed me she was not a whore because she was “monogamous”, WITH MY HUSBAND! LMAO!! Look it up bitch. At the time he was still living at home, sleeping in my bed and having sex with his wife. You can’t make this stuff up!

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Mylinda Barisas May 2, 2014 at 10:59 pm

” No one I was with was the caliber of you….” (This is an attempt to compliment me).

(no shit, I wouldn’t go on craigslist to get laid even if I was single- no one of my caliber would cheat or do any of those things)

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Reyn May 9, 2014 at 7:25 am

Mine from a few weeks ago when I ask her to be honest with me and tell me the truth about what had happened at the conference I’d paid for her to attend (I had already see the emails they were exchanging after the event but wanted to give her the chance to be honest with me) “We’re just friends, you’re just imaging it!”

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ANR May 10, 2014 at 2:02 pm

Just the other day from wife who “lent” her AP (her boss) $200k: “I am very fiscally responsible, except for that one time.”

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ANR May 10, 2014 at 2:03 pm

Just the other day from wife who “lent” $200k to her boss/AP: “I am very fiscally responsible, Except for that one time.”

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dumberer May 12, 2014 at 8:21 am

“I don’t know – I just fell into it”

What – her vagina?

This was after I came home early from working a double, found them in MY goddam bed hard at it. I surprised myself – I walked to the phone, called his brother and said hey your bro is moving tonight better come and help him…..
Next thing red faced tart goes flying past me out the door and then he says…. its not what it looked like – really? Followed by his best line ever.

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PianoMom May 12, 2014 at 8:26 pm

After I found two condoms in his wallet in 2010 after he totalled the car with his second DUI in five years, I ask him whether there is someone else. He says, “We’re just ‘talking’ – I never would’ve taken those condoms with me if I hadn’t been drinking…..” And, yes, get this — I actually believed him! Time passed, and he remained drunk for the next year….and finally asked for a divorce, because he “drank because of me” and”we’ve grown apart” ” I’m not happy”…we can go “no fault” After he left, my 16 year old son and I found numerous emails and copies of chat sessions on his computer proving he was cheating on me for Lord knows how long.

So glad for this site. I find much strength and help in screwing my head back on straight at the end of each day when I retreat into the abandonment and betrayal abyss, “hurting” that he’s already shacked up with someone new (the OW and he broke up within a year of their hookup). Twenty years married to someone who morphed into a dirtbag. My only satisfaction is that my kids see it too, and he’ll never have a real relationship with them (which, as a narc, he doesn’t give a shit about anyway).

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bogie May 13, 2014 at 3:32 am

Ah, I go the “why do you think I drink so much – because I’m not happy”. Well, he drank at least as much when we met, and all through our 28 year marriage (he wasn’t a drunk, but always got buzzed once he got home from work). At one point long ago, he told me that I wasn’t “fun anymore” because I quit drinking (just didn’t feel like it). He hasn’t slowed down on his beer – but I’m guessing that is my fault too.

However, your guy takes the cake by using the excuse of drinking to take condoms!

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ThrewHimOut2 May 15, 2014 at 7:40 pm

well bogie…I said to mine…”why do you drink so much?” he says, “because I don’t love my wife.” That hurt at the time…but funny thing is…he’s been drinking more than he ever has been since he left….wonder who else he doesn’t love right now?

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bogie May 16, 2014 at 4:16 pm

Amazing how they blame it on us, but it doesn’t magically get better when we are gone hu?

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Responsibleforme July 22, 2014 at 7:08 am

My ex said he kept condoms in his wallet in case he had a sudden random need to masturbate. I was a virgin before him so at the ripe old age of 18 I believed him. Then never questioned it over the next 15 years. D’oh.

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CharacterMatters May 15, 2014 at 7:27 pm

“I never meant for this to happen.”

So you were raped?

“I never meant to hurt you.”

If you had no idea you were being hurtful, then why keep your actions a secret from me?

“This was hard for me, too.”

Yes, I’m sure all those orgasms with a fresh, new body must’ve been torture for you.

“She meant nothing to me.”

And neither do I.

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Jodezter May 26, 2014 at 10:19 am

I just have to add to this! I got:

I didn’t think you loved me anymore.

I would NEVER do anything to hurt my children!!!

I’ve got nothing!
My reply: what did you expect?
I thought we would get back together…

And my all time fucking favourite

Why do you hate me?
*while looking suitably dejected and pathetic. Cue the violins SMH*

Oh oh and also! I got a text which said:
I’m sorry for what I did to you but what you’re doing is fucked up.

This in response to me jumping off the crazy train and getting a restraining order.

Not as bad as some I’ve read here, but still pretty freaking stupid and messed up.

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WOW33 May 28, 2014 at 8:43 am

at one time I got:”I want things to be the way they used too”
really? How is this suppose to happen when you continue to see your whore and want me to believe we are just friends. Big time Cake eater for sure!!!

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Susan May 30, 2014 at 9:34 am

He described our 3 dating years and subsequent 24 year marriage as ‘barely consummated’. Really? What a joke – just proves he does live in a fantasy world.

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Mad as Hell!!! June 2, 2014 at 4:17 pm

“I had repeated affairs on the road….because I needed to do something *just for me*.”
(ya think? It sure as hell wasn’t for ME!!!). said a new member of the Chump Collective

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KarenE June 3, 2014 at 1:13 pm

Newest stupidity from the ex! In an e-mail whining about the kids not wanting to see him;

‘I lost way more than you did’.

LOST? LOST? No, fuckface, you THREW IT ALL AWAY! REPEATEDLY AND DELIBERATELY!

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ThrewHimOut2 June 3, 2014 at 2:34 pm

I will never understand how we are to blame for filing…I mean….I threw him out and divorced him….but why??? He forced me to!!

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Mommy Chump June 3, 2014 at 5:27 pm

OMG Karene, my STBX also whines that his kid doesn’t want to see him and how he suffers as much if not more than I do. You said it – whose fault is it? Actually mine – because I evidently “vilify” him in the eyes of our daughter and it has absolutely nothing to do with his adultery. He has angrily told me that since I have “so much influence ” over our daughter it is my responsibility to smooth the way for our daughter to accept him and the OW. Hahahahahahahah!! I view myself as a good Christian and I am the penultimate chump – however, nowhere in the Bible does it say “embrace adultery”. In fact, adultery is one of the few
exceptions that it is ok to divorce. Indo not want my daughter to grow up believing that adultery is ok. And I refuse to model doormat behavior for her any longer. I have been spackle free and NC for 6 months and my life is MUCH better!

I continue to be amazed by how these losers are so similar in their actions and what they say. Thank you CL for this site to help us realize we are not crazy and how our dog turds are nothing unique or special.

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Miles June 13, 2014 at 8:22 pm

Me: why don’t you spend more time with the children instead of your affair partner, its been over two months since you’ve seen the kids.
Her: I have a confident bond with my kids. They will be fine.
Me: Speechless

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ostrich June 15, 2014 at 8:27 pm

He has said 1) Trust is a choice. 2) How do I know what you do when you leave for the day? 3) I’m holding those condoms for a friend. 4) Those panties are from when I did my laundry at my parent’s house. 5) She’s just a girl who has a crush on me, I can’t help I have a fan club. 6) She’s just a girl who takes a more active interest in what I do. 7) I moved out of my parents so I didn’t have to answer who, what, where, when to anyone! 8) Uhhh… I don’t remember when I saw that new movie that I was so excited about seeing. 9) I can’t talk to you because you’re so emotional. If you raise your voice, someone will call the cops and I’ll go to jail. 10) You act like you don’t care. 11) I slept at male friend’s house. 12) I drove around all night to avoid you. 13) The biggest lie a liar can tell is “I’ll never lie to you.” 14) I told everyone we were in an open relationship. 15) I was embarrassed to take you out in public because you acted strange. 16) I was insecure, your experience threatened me sexually and I was jealous of men that talked to you. 17) I’ll kill anyone that tries to sleep with you. 18) I feel like we’re just roommates (as he continued to rape me periodically, while telling me I wasn’t sexually responsive enough. Trust issues kind of make that tough…)

Yes, I was stupid. He cheated from Day 1, starting with his ex, he pretty much moved right in with me the first year and then coerced me into getting a bigger apartment with him on my credit, and just denied, denied, denied while preaching honesty. There were, by his admission after I was informed of the score, “about forty girls no more than four times apiece.” One actually was 16 (we were in our late twenties.) What finally blew his cover was when he assaulted one of them and got arrested, and I mentioned it to his ex before me, and she told me about his habitual, chronic cheating while he lived with me.

The denial shattered my identity and grasp of reality, my instincts, and my ability to receive love (even now, 6 years later.) I didn’t understand how someone could have the capacity to be so contemptuous of a person that was open to parting ways, open to talking about other options. How when I told him to just move out because he asked when the lease was up. I calmly said “If that’s how you feel, please go. I didn’t want to sign the lease the last two times, yet you insisted.” How I left the state after another year of “working it out” while I dated a friend, and he convinced me to move back, months before his arrest. How I moved away after another two years of increasing depression while he tried to be my friend/lover/handyman/confidante- as long as I could be convinced we were mutually at fault and I “forgave” him- and he still hounded me over the phone and maintained a condescending, fatherly role, sending gifts, being perversely interested despite my disgust.

It’s been a year since I told him I could never forgive him. His parting words were that he was never sorry for any of it. I’m 34. After a year of celibacy, I found myself an emotionally distant (ie safe) but deceptive man to transfer all of that baggage to. Men who are nice to me make me feel smothered, alien and even more disgusted than the ones who have treated me casually or betrayed me, casually. I feel like I’ll never trust again, and that I’m unworthy of intimacy and open communication- moreoever, that it’s impossible for two humans to be honest in romance. Permanently fractured.

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nwrain June 15, 2014 at 10:58 pm

Dear Ostrich,
I’m so sorry you were so callously treated. No one deserves that. It’s the ultimate cruelty to convince someone else they are at fault just to avoid responsibility. I hope you give yourself some peace. You deserve it.
Best wishes to you,
NWrain

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ostrich June 15, 2014 at 8:38 pm

I just have to add to my rant that this was from 2005-2008. With three additional years after of continued gaslighting and benign abuse, after his DV classes. His name is Rob Bonacci Jr., he’s in Colorado. Seven years of poison that I will never get back.

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Niki Cavendish June 21, 2014 at 11:41 am

I only had sex with her because she harassed me.( but I did buy thre different sex drugs and rented hotel rooms all over the town where I lived with my wife and child and driove 8 hours to take her to a really special hotel in Pittsburg, and I kept taking her to hotels for ten months . And I rented her a hotel room for her on our anniversary week but I promise I never did anything with her. Even though I refused to have sex with u on our anniversary week and told u I had no F…ing money to buy u anything for our anniversary

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Niki Cavendish June 21, 2014 at 11:44 am

She was skinny and I felt like a real man when I was with her

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Kara June 21, 2014 at 1:20 pm

Why do so many cheater excuses come down to chest-beating and being a “real” man? Talk about insecurity right?

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Nancy June 24, 2014 at 6:02 pm

I hate this one. It is one of the reasons my H gives for having the affair in the first place. I admit I have probably put on 20 lbs in the last 15 years and I wasn’t ever skinny but I weigh right a 170 right now. when he hooked up with her she did too! But she lost like 70 lbs in about 6 months and now weighs about 110. She was able to do this I believe because she went off of her psych meds and started doing meth. She looks like someone that has AIDS to me and her skin just hangs on her and is so saggy I think it is gross!. He says that she lost the weight because she loves him so much. She knew he was married when they met and she immediately went after him very aggressively. I knew of her from some mutual friends but had no idea that he had begun seeing her although I knew something wasn’t right. I asked him out right wbat was going on. Was there another woman and he said absolutely not. I also had a feeling about her and directly asked him another time if he was involved with her and he replied that there was no way he could ever go out with someone like her because she was too much of a bitch. And besides he said he was married and loved me. Then after they had been seeing each other for about 6 months he told me. D-Day and he said that he really cared about her and that she was talking marriage. Besides he threw in that our marriage was just one out of convenience! I flew into a rage and couldn’t believe he actually said that. After all I have the love letters he used to send me before we got married where he wrote how he was going to be the best husband a woman could want and promised I would never regret marrying him! What a crock! He tried to say that I had done nothing wrong but that he wasn’t in love with me anymore and she made him feel so alive. I am a chump and told him that there was no way I was going to allow him and her to ride off into the sunset of happily ever after and leave me behind to pick up the pieces of our broken life and clean up the mess he made by paying the pain price. I asked him how he could just replace me like that? How could he give my life , my hopes, my dreams for the future that we had both worked so hard to achieve and now that we were just about there to give it away to someone that was such a lowlife she would deliberately try to break up a marriage in order to get a man for herself? He said that they deserved to be happy and I countered with sure but not at my expense! Besides there were certain characteristics she displays that I know for fact will annoy the crap out of him. There is no one in this world that knows this man like I do and he knows it. they have absolutely nothing in common except for sex as far as I can see. They don’t like the same things at as far as food or music or social activities or interests. ya I met her because ewhen he bomb dropped me he had called her to come over to my house to support him. She eventually left that same evening. He has told me since then numerous times that I was 10 times the woman that she is and that he didn’t know what he was thinking that he would never give me up for her but also in the next sentence he says that he really cares forher and she has nobody and he is unwilling to give her up. He and I still live together and Ya I been doing the pick me dance….I guess I suck too! I know he is not a narcissist and generally not an ass either. Whenever we spend any amount of time together he starts to come around but then she will call or text with one of her made up crisis and he goes off to save her. She is so very manipulative. And I do know I am making excuses for him. Its just that I feel I haveway too much invested in our marriage to give up on it. I knewgoing in that he would probably have a one night stand some time. He denied that would ever happen but I look at his family and it is generational back for3 generations in his family. Even though he know better he was raised with the idea that once in a while something different is ok. Inever shared my expectation with him but never in a million years did I think he would actually give his heart away. That is what is so crushing. I don’t want to walk away and I don’t want a different life. I wantmy husband and my family by God I amwilling to fight for them. I know he has the control but I also know that he has trouble saying no to people even on little things that he doesn’t want to do. She has lied to him and he forgets some how all the crap that she pulls. I have tried to be the bigger (not;literally)( person and have not done any of the things I really would love to to her. This whole thing sucks…..I’vebeen in love with him for the last 35 years and he is the only one I can imagine myself with. yeas it sucks and she sucks and he sucks and I suck too!

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David June 22, 2014 at 11:02 pm

*You and I are just friends but HE is so much more.

*We will be great friends after the divorce.

*Sex with you is just sex but with HIM it’s much more.

*It’s not an affair, it’s the real thing.

*I didn’t sleep with him (I didn’t have intercourse with him) we just had sex.

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Jayne June 25, 2014 at 5:10 am

Nancy,

I Don’t know you, so I can’t possibly judge whether you ‘suck’ in general, but on this matter, STEP AWAY FROM THE SELF-LOATHING! As you can see on this site, there are many who were able to kick their cheaters to the curb immediately, and there are many of us who did the pick me dance / unicorn chasing for eons before we finally woke up and chose to take care of ourselves. Some are angry that they got caught up in the false reconciliations and others are kinder to themselves. Be kinder to yourself! Look, your cheater doesn’t care about the devastation he’s bringing on you (regardless of whether he says differently) – bear in mind, this man is quite prepared to devalue 35 years of love, support, companionship, friendship – as just a ‘marriage of convenience’. Cruel, ungrateful, despicable. I understand the frustration that comes through when you point to the love letters from him, prior to your wedding, its a headfuck and I’ve been there, done that, worn the T shirt (been headfucked, I mean!)- it’s hateful! For what it’s worth, he doesn’t deserve you deflecting the blame onto the other woman (sure, she is a contemptible bitch and I hope you get to hear of the karma bus mowing her down, when it does, and it will – famous saying; marry a man who’ll cheat on his wife, and you’ve married a man who’ll cheat on his wife) but look, if he really is a total sheep who’ll follow anyone and do anything anyone wants – why the hell isn’t he in prison right now? Because he chooses his ‘indiscretions’ and he chose this ‘indiscretion’. He wants to be with a woman who is mentally unstable and a ‘meth’ user with nothing in common with him? And he’s prepared to throw away 35 years for that wonderful prize? Nancy, if he isn’t a narcissist, he is definitely an arsehole – I’m still disgusted at the ‘marriage of convenience’ shit. A window into what’s going on in his head – right there. God bless you for wanting to stay with someone who’ll re-write his life and his opinion of you and everything you shared together so he can continue ‘feeling like a man’. I don’t think you suck, Nancy, your trying to hold on to your life. Your cheater deserves the chaotic, unreliable, unsafe lifestyle he hankers for with a drug addict – I hope the dubious pleasure of feeling like a man when he screws a skeleton is worth it to him! Stop making excuses for him Nancy – let him have his ‘dreams come true’ – just make sure you let him know he’s never coming back to you honey – tell him your marriage has stopped being convenient!

Take care, be kind to yourself

Jayne

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ForgeOn! June 25, 2014 at 8:06 am

Nancy,
Ditto what Jayne said.

Forge on, all…….

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Toogoodwife June 27, 2014 at 10:22 am

My husband is 50. I am 48. We’ve been married 20 years and have two sons.
He told me the affair was because, and I quote: “You don’t look like you did 20 years ago.”
Me: stunned, “um…yeah…and you…?” By the way, I look fantastic for 48!

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ThrewHimOut2 June 27, 2014 at 1:14 pm

Ugh! Pathetic.

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Toogoodwife June 29, 2014 at 1:28 pm

He said that I never told him, “No” (regarding his affairs) really? Isn’t that the point of marriage vows?
Regarding life in general, he said that he thought I was “being good” enough for the two of us. I am the good one. He is a sorry piece of sh#t. I am supposed to know all of this AND be accepting. I lead a bible study group, I was the room mom, the sports team mom, etc… Very civic minded serving on several boards… I am the “good one”.
Thanks to CL, I understand why I was chosen. I provide him with the whole Norman Rockwell life and family.

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Responsibleforme July 22, 2014 at 7:02 am

I also got the “I was too good for him”. On Christmas Day he refused to open any presents with his kids because he didn’t deserve them… Hello mind games – we’d separated and I still assured him he was a good person.

Two years on and I stopped playing over time – now I don’t focus on supporting or validating him I am happy and have loads more energy.

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Chumpity Chump Chump June 30, 2014 at 12:41 pm

Him – Can we talk
me – Sure
Him – (takes me in his arms) I am so sorry, I love you both, but I love you more… see this (holds up a key on his keychain) she was begging me to move in, but I can’t do it. I want what we had
me – in tears… this is just too much, but i’m willing to work on it if you are
(me present day looking back thinking what the fuck was the key already doing on your chain) uggh

I also got when he first admitted it.

Look I know you knew about the affair, but I didnt give a shit.. (that should of been a red flag)
Oh and this — you don’t understand, I have told her stuff I don’t tell anyone, but she’s not perfect like you… (wtf?)
He also said somewhere in there, she said I wouldnt have to work, she has her own pad… um really dumbass, if you left me, I would have my OWN place too. The list is too long, glad I am more awake to this mindfuckery.

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Toogoodwife July 1, 2014 at 7:17 am

Key on key ring…
He WON’T move in, but will certainly visit whenever he pleases! Wow, just wow.

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DoneNow July 1, 2014 at 10:04 pm

You have anger issues. You’re always angry (I am very even tempered-he has no idea what and angry woman looks like.)

I was lonely. You’re cold, and I needed someone to talk to (and it had to be women online who were 20 years younger, while he was sitting in the same room with me.)

You use sex as a weapon (a weapon for what?? I didn’t even know you were cheating for the last three years. What does that even mean???)

You have issues with sex (because you aren’t emotionally available and you treat me like crap.)

You’re only care because you think someone else might want me (No, I’m concerned because I might have an STD, or some crazy woman could show up at our door).

I’m glad you’re getting help for your problems (no, they’re our problems, you just won’t go to marriage counseling).

…and so many more. You may have needed to be there for the twenty years that NONE of these things were remotely true to understand how crazy it all sounded.

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Laura July 2, 2014 at 10:36 pm

“I never stopped being committed to you and our family.”

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Responsibleforme July 22, 2014 at 6:58 am

Ooh I got that one too! Snap!

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David July 4, 2014 at 8:01 am

The Latest… My son hates me because you told him about the other person”
[Um NO! How about your son is angry at you because you are HAVING AN AFFAIR]

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Kim July 7, 2014 at 12:03 pm

“I’m allowed to have friends too”. Yes, but I am a woman and so are my friends. You are a married man and your friends are this girl, her mom, and her sister.

“But I didn’t cheat on you the first 15 years of our marriage.” This is supposed to make me feel better and make your cheating less wrong?

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Sunshine July 8, 2014 at 3:06 pm

It is a re-connection~ she was my high school sweetheart

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EmmaPemma July 8, 2014 at 3:12 pm

Meaning “She was too young to realise what an utter dick I am”

She’ll learn, they always do.

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EmmaPemma July 8, 2014 at 3:18 pm

Sorry if this has been asked before, but be honest cos we are all in the same boat……

How many chumps were the OW who thought they had won the prize and are now (sadly) older and wiser? How do you feel about your history now you are the chump?

I am just interested, not trying to provoke a witch hunt! My own credentials are that I was briefly the OW when I was much younger (we split after a very good friend of mine told me some home truths about myself and him), I believed the lies, I thought I was special and his wife a bitch. He was a fuckwit and I was a fool.

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Lilac July 8, 2014 at 3:32 pm

In marriage counseling:
MC to Him: So last week I asked you to think about what your wife’s reality was and how this made her feel. Did you do that?
Him: (who had not exchanged a word with me all week except to yell at me when I tried to talk to him): Yes, I thought about it a lot. You were right that she must have felt different than I would have.
MC: Did you tell her that?
Him: No, but I thought about it a lot. (NOT)

And another snippet from counseling:
Him (explaining the start of his “friendship” with the slut) – I admired her because she was ill and could have gotten all the public assistance she wanted, but she worked her ass off instead. (MC looks awed.)
Me (who has ALWAYS worked full time) – You have to realize that due to the circumstances I do not feel sympathy or admiration.
Him – You have no compassion.
(which is hilarious since I am a teacher, an animal rights activist, and I do volunteer work regularly)
He then stormed out at the second the session ended and did not stick around to make another appointment.

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Marci July 9, 2014 at 1:43 pm

When confronted with hard evidence:

Him – “Why can’t I have a friend?” (in whiny little voice)

The OW – “You are so mean to throw him out like that. He’s a nice person”

This was an OW who stayed at my house, slept in my bed, ate my food, wore my clothes; all while I was away on business and without my knowledge.

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nicolette14 July 9, 2014 at 8:59 pm

If he is such a nice person then she ought to take him in her house to stay, for good. She even wore your clothes? OMG!

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Marci July 10, 2014 at 12:44 pm

Nicolette…she helped herself to my clothes too. Once I discovered the affair, I kept my cool and made plans. I scoped her on facebook and found photos of her wearing unique clothes that were mine…and missing from my closet. Some time later, and after I’d thrown him out, she wrote me emails listing all the horrible crap they pulled on me just to suck every penny they could from the situation. They stole from me, sold my stuff on ebay. I eventually got the cops involved and in this jurisdiction, the cops have their own down home justice…never mind the prosecution office who don’t consider domestic situations worth pursuing.

Not to worry. I have some of the best revenge stories you will ever hear, simply because I had time to plan some really good sh** to come piling down on the happy couple. He did end up living with her, first in a studio apt over a betting shop, then when they ran out of people to defraud, they ended up in her parents’ basement. And he, a 40 year old loser, unemployed because I showed his employer via the cops, his threatening emails sent from his company email…a fast way to lose one’s job.

Some day I’ll write the saga because it is an informative tale for anyone who is out there dating after a long term marriage. I was chumped by my 29 year spouse, got out of that, and leaped right into another chumped-by-a-sparkler situation. Doh! Now happily single, yippee.

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Marci July 10, 2014 at 12:59 pm

First time around, chumped before my wedding, but married him anyway. Had two kids and put up with the mindfucking for 29 years in return for a nice roof over my head. Talk about insecure!

Him: (head in hands) I just need to spend some time with someone I met.

Me: what? Er, we are engaged, right? I have a ring and a date. And you want to spend time with someone else? Whats up?

Him: i just want a few weekends, that’s all. I need to be with her so I can decide what I want.

Me: choose me! (Monkey dance follows)

Him: i will see you in a few weeks (we had separate apartments in the same building)

Me: …decides to go no contact with man-whore and his visiting “trial girlfriend”… After a few weeks I get to MEH.

Him: (after four months knocks on my door). “My mother says we need to proceed with the wedding”

Me: OK. Where’s the OW?

Him: I dumped her.

Me: Great! When’s the wedding then?

I deserved every shitty thing he did in the years after that. Natural selection. Until I regained my senses and left.

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Lou Lou July 11, 2014 at 3:04 am

Oh these are hilarious! Awful, hurtful and disgusting, but hilarious. And I’m only a third of the way through so far… Here’s some of my fave quotes my ex said to me:

“I was embarrassed that I fell in love with someone too trusting to suspect I was screwing around.”

“I didn’t want to bother you with my needs while you were sick.”

“You need to focus on the kids, so I decided to get a second wife to have fun with.”

“The fact you’re fertile revolts me, but I still needed to f*ck someone.”

“I didn’t want to embarrass you because you wouldn’t look good in latex these days, so I found someone who does.”

“You told me pregnant women get horny. She was payback for lying to me.”
(When I was 8wks pregnant I read him an article that claimed some women get horny as the pregnacy progresses. But I got pre-eclampsia and spent most of my third trimester in hospital.)

“She reminded me of you when you were nicer.”

“You didn’t want me to hang out with the boys anymore.” (This one made me laugh when he said it – which was not his intention.)

He’s a prince among men, my ex.

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Marci July 11, 2014 at 4:08 am

His comment after being caught staying overnight with an ex-girlfriend:

Me: (after reading a series of explicit texts they had just exchanged). Wtf is going on with Sue?
Him: what do you mean?
Me: she is texting you thanking you for multiple orgasms
Him: she’s a crazy drunk bitch
Me: so let’s call her now on the speaker phone and request that she cease and desist
Him: but she’s a nice person! She just has a drinking problem that’s all
Me: Did you have sex with her?
Him: I slept on her sofa!
Me: Did you have sex with her?
Him: I just wanted her to know I didn’t just use her for sex when we dated
Me: did you have sex with her?
Him: She’s needy and was threatening to harm herself!
Me: Look at your texts. I have just read them.
Him: OK. I had sex with her but I regret it. She made me do it.

She made him do it.

Me: so let’s call the cops and tell them you were raped.
Him: you’re being jealous. I don’t do jealousy.
Me: you’re history. Nothing to be jealous of.

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1Madbitch July 11, 2014 at 1:14 pm

My ex: Blow jobs aren’t “cheating”
Me: I guarantee you if you walk up on a man going down on me, you’d feel differently!

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not an idiot July 12, 2014 at 10:14 am

i was badly damaged by a careless quack surgeon during gallbladder surgery. i had to have emergency surgery to correct his mistake and then suffered many years of intestinal issues afterward from the bile that ate my intestines rendering me unable to go far from home. his excuse for the affairs?;
“you got sick and we couldn’t do any of the things we used to do like go out to eat!!!”
awwww!! poor him!! i was in excruciating pain but his sexual “needs” were far more important than any of my petty issues such as almost dying, miscarrying our first child together, losing my job and my credit.
yeah, suck it fucker.

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Amistad2014 July 15, 2014 at 11:22 pm

My husband of 36 years said he was going to work for a few hours (he owns his own business). Found him at full service sex shop in phoenix. When I mentioned that I thought he was going to work “he said he got distracted.” He doesn’t realize it yet but he’s about ready to go over the cliff.

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Amistad2014 July 15, 2014 at 11:28 pm

I should add that I don’t mean cliff literally. I’ve met with 3 attorneys this week, got STD tested and getting financials in order and then I’m pulling the carpet out from under him by filing for divorce.

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Jumpstart July 16, 2014 at 10:56 pm

“Do you think that some day we can have a ‘do-over’?” – says the cheating husband while he’s still with affair partner.

“You’re the best woman who has ever loved me.”

“It’s better for our children to see me in a loving relationship.”

“You know who would be a perfect match for you? My lover’s ex-husband!”

On the day he left the house to pursue a life of happiness with his affair partner he said to me at the door before I closed it on his sorry ass, “Can I still come over on Thursdays to watch Dexter (or fill in whatever TV series we were watching at the time) with you?”

After discovering in marriage counseling that he was STILL in a relationship with affair partner after swearing he was no contact: “You see, I told you, you’re better off without me. You deserve someone who can love you the way you deserve to be loved.”

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Amistad2014 July 18, 2014 at 11:51 pm

My husband invited his mechanics sister to our house for a Labor Day party. When I saw her face the guilt was written all over it and my intuition turned out to be right. During other times he talked about her he “were just friends and she stops by my shop with beer”

Other cheater statement “I didn’t have sex with her”. What do you call kissing although I know it’s more than that.

When I caught him three weekends ago at a full service adult shoppe when he told me he was going to his place of business. When he arrived home ( note I pulled along side him on the freeway and just shook my head. I drove around for an hour and told him I was going to work (I had planned to) and I said I thought tests what were you were doing? His “I got distracted.” Note he was in the adult shoppe and probably was fully-serviced. He had told me another time he just went there to watch dirty movies amongst a bunch of other men and take care of himself. I have the third attorney appointment next week, hot STD tested last week… Progress being made…. I’ve been married 36 years in August 2014 and thought maybe I’d just serve him with divorce papers. During 38 years, two dating I’ve been through his crystal meth addiction, alcohol addiction, infidelities, and early on arrest for drugs. The judge let him off on probation because he was engaged to me and said I was a nice person and he would probably straighten out because I was a good role model…. Right. Thanks for the space to share my story.

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Responsibleforme July 22, 2014 at 5:45 am

My personal favourites:

“It wasn’t about you… We were so happy. It just happened”

“I didn’t think online adverts looking for dates was cheating” – followed by “I liked knowing they wanted to meet me but I never met up with them” even when clear plans were made like see you at “x” place 15 mins

“Sending pictures of my c*ck online isn’t cheating”

When I pointed out the DNA test for the child “it wasn’t my choice for her to keep it”

Upon finding he’d hidden the child for 5 years knowing it was his “I just chose not to think about him. I wasn’t lying – it was not even on my mind”

Upon me finding the sex sites, planned meetings and pictures of penises sent across the net “you are holding one mistake (the child -DNA test so couldn’t deny) against me, when nothing else involved cheating on you”

“I didn’t consider Internet affairs cheating” – well – so long as your cool with it – right :-p

Gag!!!! Ah well – all divorced now. And that’s when I came to realise we were happy cause I made it work – he never pulled his relationship weight!

I’m so happy now – trust me – to anyone newly chumped – it gets sooooo much better!!!!

And nice men don’t joke about burning your house down if you ever leave!

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Chumpectomy July 22, 2014 at 6:37 am

“It seemed like the right thing to do”

This after explaining that Cabbage was “drawn to him” and complimented him on his contributions to the Bloomington Area Birth Services board meetings. This is part of his mindfucking routine. He knows I care about justice and he frames himself as a person who fights for justice. What a con artist. If you do an illustration please depict a short public defender in the integrated domestic violence court, former divorce lawyer, former criminal defense attorney.

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MissFake July 22, 2014 at 6:41 am

“He who speaks most of honor is least deserving of it.” This would DEF qualify my ex-N Cheater fucktard

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Responsibleforme July 22, 2014 at 6:52 am

Ooh!!!! Forgot my favourite – in respect of how his son by ow was conceived “we fucked for less than a minute and I came. I didn’t even enjoy it”
No – I had not asked for details such as if he enjoyed it or how long it took!

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nicolette14 July 22, 2014 at 12:01 pm

Awwwww, poor poor fucker, he didn’t even get to enjoy it!! tsk tsk tsk. He is not just a cheater he is also a “minute man”! Dang! I feel sorry for the OW! NOT!

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TC July 25, 2014 at 4:31 pm

ex wife:
“I tell my friends, “I wish my husband cheated on my first, to know how i feel”

wtf?

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TC July 25, 2014 at 4:32 pm

Sorry, typo thats

“I wish my husband cheated on ME first, to know how i feel”

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Laura July 26, 2014 at 11:21 pm

I’ve heard a lot of stupid after 25 years with a serial cheater (I finally left three months ago), but he one I hate most is, “It’s only sex.”

I also love, “Who keeps emails and texts? Everyone deletes them right after they read them.”

Or, when he started shaving his nether region out of the blue…”I just thought I’d try something new just in case you liked it.”

And THIS: “If you trusted me, I wouldn’t have to cheat.” Huh?

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Chump Lady August 21, 2013 at 4:45 pm

Good for you, Victoria. I’m so glad you walked away.

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