Don’t Be Anonymous If You’re Outing a Cheater

outing a cheater

A woman got an anonymous letter outing her husband as a cheater. The poison pen letter writer recommended Chump Lady.

What would you do if you got this letter?

(Names changed for anonymity.)

Dear (Chump),

Your new husband, (Alleged Douchebag) has ALWAYS cheated on you. He has had sex with other woman the entire time he has been with you. DO NOT ignore the signs, the signs are there. There is a reason why he is not friends with you on his personal Facebook account, there is a reason why he never changed his profile picture (to a wedding picture or a picture with you), there is a reason why there is a password on his cell phone, there is a reason why YOUR first name is not on his phone, but your middle name is. He is a pathological liar and a serial cheater. His family and friends know of his mistress or mistresses. DO NOT ignore the signs. He is making a fool out of you.

Google Chumplady.com

My unsolicited advice

The person did google Chump Lady, because she reached out. I told her that I knew nothing about the letter, but I run a popular infidelity blog. I was very sorry she was going through this, and I suspect that an Other Woman wrote it because of the rather mean-spirited tone. I also added that unfortunately, in my experience, and that of my readers, people don’t get letters like that unless there is some truth in them.

I advised her not to tell her husband of the message, and just do some snooping for evidence. People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

She replied very politely that she didn’t need my condolences or concerns, because her marriage was fine and she trusted her new husband implicitly. She wasn’t going to snoop.

I pushed back on that (I probably should’ve shut up, said my husband), and encouraged her to please look into it as she could save herself the sunk costs of bigger heartache later. I know from painful experience (my D-Day was as a newlywed too).

She furthered reassured me nothing was wrong.

Her gut feelings weren’t bothering her, she was fine.

I assume she just googled me because maybe she thought I knew who wrote the letter. Although she didn’t ask me that directly.

The thing is, I get a TON of letters from affair partners asking me (after the affair has ended, of course) if they should tell the chump. Often the OP was chumped as well (really guys, that happens). The guy presented himself as single and then pretty quickly it’s discovered he is not. (Generally, men don’t write to me as affair partners. Occasionally, but mostly it’s women in this dilemma.)

My advice is usually always to tell. We’ve gone over this a lot here — wouldn’t YOU want to know? Do unto others… etc.

The only time I temper that advice is if the person is scary, has made physical threats, and would do major harm to the OP for telling. Then my advice is go no contact.

Affair partners: This is what to do if you’re outing a cheater.

1. Give EVIDENCE.

Why should this person believe an anonymous note?

2. Have the guts to tell them your name.

If you cheated, own up to it. If you were chumped, what’s the shame in giving the other chump your name? We tend to believe people who honestly present themselves.

3. Answer questions.

They sure as hell aren’t going to get the information from the cheater. Offer to answer questions, and then bow out and go NC for everyone’s sanity.

The problem with anonymous notes like the above is — while if this woman is truly a chump, it may prick her conscious — it’s too easy to write the note taker off as a vicious loon. And face it, many of us have been the target of some disordered person’s smear campaign — we know that people can make up lies for the sicko pleasure of it. But who is a chump going to believe? An anonymous stranger? Or their loved one?

Don’t be half-assed about disclosure.

Sure, there is a very good chance that the chump is going to spackle and deny. But there’s much less chance of that, if you’re a witness to what happened and you’ve got evidence of it. (Then they can spackle the affair, but not deny it… oh, chumps!)

Did you ever get a letter like this? What would you do?

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Reyn
Reyn
9 years ago

I would probably simply ask to see his phone. If you are married there really is no reason why he would say no other than that he has something to hide. I discovered my partners infidelity when I saw her Twitter feed and then emails from the house laptop.

if-only
if-only
9 years ago
Reply to  Reyn

that does not work. My married bf will never get caught because he is so careful. His wife can look at his phone all she wants, and he is so crafty she would never know. The “obvious” signs you read everywhere about how to tell if someone is cheating, are all false, anyone with half a brain can work around them so you have ZERO idea. That’s the sad part. I wish she would catch him, but she has zero chance of it.

jmshepp
jmshepp
9 years ago
Reply to  if-only

Hmmm. This sounds very familiar. There was never any hard evidence, never a letter, just that gnawing feeling that something was going on. It made me feel like I was losing my mind. Was I just insecure, jealous, etc. as he stated?

I can say this – my gut instinct was screaming and I didn’t ignore it, but I couldn’t find anything solid. Living that tore me apart, left me shaky and unsure about everything. I’m sure the damage that particular form of mindfuckery caused never made a blip on his radar. Fuuuuuuck him.

If-only, is that your married boyfriend or best friend? You could always write a letter, but the one CL posted above was snarky, snark snark. Sounded like a bitter OW to me. “He’s making a fool of you” is a slap in the face. What is she supposed to do with that, besides feel like a piece of shit? Thank you, I’ll have more please? Thanks, CL, good blog.

betrayedfriend
betrayedfriend
9 years ago

I never got a letter, but Oh, how I wished I had gotten a letter like that. I was so blind. No – I trusted completely – after all, she was my “friend” 20 yrs younger, recently married, 2 ft. taller than my STBXH, and he was home every night for dinner (except right before D-DAY), never slept a night away – we went everywhere together, except he was screwing her at work. Would would thought, such an odd couple???

I know that there was at least a mutual friend that knew and his co-workers. I wish somebody had the courage to write me a letter like that. I would have most definitely snooped – and taken swift action, and in my fantasy re-do of D-DAY- I would of:
1. had the pleasure to kick her out of my house (the many times she came over for dinner)
2. told her husband – that same minute
3. Hefty bag his shit – and placed it at her house.

I sure hope that lady listens to you and snoops, a letter like that – there’s some truth to it.

trying2fly
trying2fly
9 years ago

Even though she’s sparkling she won’t snoop, the seeds of doubts has been planted in her mind. She will snoop eventually, even if it’s just to prove CL wrong.

No one ever sent me any letters like this, it would have crushed me if I received one. I would be angry but know whoever sent it has some truths, knowing my ex character or lack of.

Connie
Connie
9 years ago

I have a slightly different take. Maybe she is in this marriage because she is getting something out of it…like she’s totally shallow and he is loaded. I mean who even DATES someone who won’t friend you on Facebook? And you KNOW he has a “personal” Facebook page??? Who does that? No, something doesn’t add up here.

lale
lale
9 years ago
Reply to  Connie

Agreed, on the fb and phone part at least. I think we’ve all turned a blind eye to red flags and not necessarily for money, so I don’t agree with the “getting something out of it” part, but I definitely think she’s trying NOT to see the light here.
And I don’t think this is an OW or I think she would have given more details – in my experience, if they’re involved enough to do something like this they’re territorial enough to tell specific things they’ve done with someone’s marriage partner. I bet it’s someone else in the circle (a friend of her husband’s, maybe, who is sick of him or has a crush on his wife; or a friend of hers who should have said something long ago…I’ve been in that spot before, where you notice something but you know your friend will turn on you before they’d confront their awful husband).

Einstein
Einstein
9 years ago
Reply to  lale

If the FB and phone thing are true, she’s trying hard not to see the super burning light of the sun itself.

Rarity
Rarity
9 years ago

In light of my STBXH’s recent affairs, one of my former college roommates wrote to me to say that, 10-11 years ago, while we were still newlyweds, roommate’s husband saw STBXH with a girl sitting in his lap, flirting with her. They feel awful about not telling me. They said they didn’t know how.

Had they told me, I’m sure I would have bought whatever lies or lame excuses STBXH gave me to cover for himself, spackled, and gotten mad at my roommate.

Nord
Nord
9 years ago
Reply to  Rarity

I had someone tell me of an incident about 8 years before dday that she had seen. She was incredibly upset she didn’t tell me but at the time didn’t know how to bring it up as she didn’t know me that well and wasn’t sure I’d believe her.

HM
HM
9 years ago
Reply to  Nord

I have informed several friends of their partner’s cheating ways, only to be blamed for somehow being complicit or to become a reminder of the betrayal itself. None of those friendships ever recovered or were ever the same again.

After the first time it happened (yeah, i knew, everybody knew but i was the only one with balls enough to tell) i was admonished for not telling sooner. So i swore to myself to never tell again. But then i told this to another friend years later who made me promise to tell should that ever be applicable. Well lo and behold she must have known on some level, cause it happened shortly after. It sucked for all involved.

Anyway, i would totally tell again, especially now after being chumped. Although i would do it with confidence and moral superiority and righteousness…

ffghtr67
ffghtr67
9 years ago
Reply to  Nord

The day I busted my WAW cheating/texting one of my son’s best-friend’s Fathers, I called my parents, explained to them what had happened and asked If they would baby-sit my three sons so I could try to deal with the situation without my kids having to witness the confrontation me and their mother were about to have.

My Dad told me that he had something to tell me; that 3 or 4 months earlier he had been on the way to a golf outing with some of his co-workers when he “bumped” into my WAW having a lunch-date with her AP. My dad said at first he thought it was me and my wife having the date and as he made his way over to say hello, he noticed my wife see him and then sneak out the back door of the restaurant. Dad said he then realized that she was with another man.

My Dad told my Mom, who both together decided not to tell me. They gave me bullshit excuses like Dad wasn’t 100% sure it was my wife, they didn’t want to be in the middle of anything, or they didn’t want to get involved.

My parents have NEVER apologized for knowing months before I did that wife was cheating yet not saying a word. When I was at the complete bottom, when I was completely broke with horrible credit and supporting three teenagers, I owed my attorney $1500 to file. I asked my parents could I please borrow the money so I could just get it over with…in my 21 years of marriage I had never asked my parents for money. My dad actually asked me to sign a promissory note first; I decided to not take the money and to figure this divorce situation out all by myself. I’m not sure if this is just their generation or their view of marriage or what.

I love my parents and can forgive them a whole lot easier that I ever can my ex-wife but my perception for them has changed. I will be nice to them, care for them and all that, but from a distance from now on. When my life was absolutely at its worst, my parents were spineless…all of that church and doing the right thing stories when I was growing up was nice…but was really bullshit. when it mattered, my parents were absolutely weak and wrong.

As a side note, my daughter and MIL also knew before hand and said nothing. I’m not sure I will ever remarry or allow another person to hurt me.

If I ever find out that a someone is cheating, I will bust them.

Fedup
Fedup
7 years ago
Reply to  ffghtr67

I feel your pain. Your own family was wrong in not standing up with you and for you. Know that there are others who have had the same thing happen to them. I refused to out my husband to anyone including his own parents. Now, after almost thirty years I now refuse to keep the secrets any longer. I am outing his paramour to her husband and I have outed him to his children. I will no longer collude with those who choose to hurt me through their adulterous behavior.
It took me decades and almost five years in therapy to understand that he never had my back. Now I no longer have his.

Moving Liquid
Moving Liquid
9 years ago
Reply to  ffghtr67

ffghtr67, damn that sucks. I’m so sorry. I understand what you mean about opening yourself up to hurt again. I don’t know if I can do it either.

Stilltrying
Stilltrying
9 years ago
Reply to  ffghtr67

I totally understand how you feel about people who you trust implicitly, let you down. I never understood how this felt until it happened to me. The ex confided in my niece about it and the niece didn’t tell me. And I have always been very close to her. I realize that she had not intention of hurting me. But what the hell? Close friends did the same to me. At the time the ex and I belonged to a couples group, the ex showed up with the OW at an activity with the other couples and not one single person called me. Not even the couple we traveled together with and whom I considered very dear friends. I feel like these people made choices who they were going to protect and it wasn’t me. The break up after 22 years wash extremely painful and continues to this day (2 years later, we did try to reconcile, yes I’m a chump doing the pick me dance). I can’t imagine ever trusting anyone fully ever again. And I will tell if I am ever in the unfortunate position of discovering someone I know is cheating.

Moving Liquid
Moving Liquid
9 years ago
Reply to  Stilltrying

That’s utterly shocking! So very sorry.

HM
HM
9 years ago
Reply to  ffghtr67

Yeah, this totally sucks, i can totally identify. My parents suck too. It leaves you feeling isolated as you tryto navigate through the betrayal – yay!

(And every self help book, forum, blog, etc days ‘turn to your support group’ – blerg)

Ex-Bleeding Heart
Ex-Bleeding Heart
9 years ago
Reply to  HM

Ditto.

For me it was so absolutely soul-crushing horrible. Not having support left me feeling completely isolated, and like I was surrounded by liars. I plunged into a very severe depression. It didn’t help that I am disabled and not employed.

My parents told me just to stay with him and deal with it. They didn’t even care. I think at one point my father laughed because he thought it was genuinely funny and my mom shrugged and pulled a “What can you do?” out of her spineless body.
After everything I went through I was double shocked by their behavior. I felt like I was abandoned on all sides, and I never asked anyone for a thing.

That’s when I knew without a doubt none of these people that were in my life gave a damn about me and they didn’t deserve one more second of my time.

Regina
Regina
9 years ago
Reply to  HM

What a betrayal cluster f–k!! Talk about getting hit in the old ego-holy crap!! I believe this is the part that hurt me the most-feeling so insignificant to the one I was unwaveringly true to. To have the whole family join in is beyond. I am so sorry you have been through all this. My parents betrayed me too-but not at the same time! Just horrible.

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
9 years ago
Reply to  ffghtr67

That’s a terrible story, I am so sorry. It’s nightmare enough to be chumped, but then to be betrayed by one’s own parents and children…. awful.

Red
Red
9 years ago

I would have welcomed a letter like this, because I was literally the last to know. My cancer researcher professor XH spent so much time “at work” during his affair that I was a single mother, and when I complained about it – “All your colleagues manage to be home with their families by 6 pm every night” – he said his work was more important than theirs, and we were lucky we ever saw him for dinner because it was such a hassle to stop and come home. He was curing cancer, and I was being selfish asking him to spend time with his family.

It wasn’t until I sat him down at a restaurant for lunch one summer day and said, “All my friends think I should put my foot down at how much time you spend at work” and he said, “Really? And did they all say how they were planning to support you after I divorce you for being such a f*cking nag?” that I got my first clue.

I went home, cried, washed my face, and decided to look at some news headlines on the computer for a few minutes before I had to go pick up the kids from summer camp. I saw “10 Signs He’s Cheating on You,” and clicked on it for amusement. When I realized XH fit 7 of the 10 signs – new clothes, working out, guarding his cell phone, etc. – I wasn’t so amused. I was devastated. After a little snooping, D-day was 3 weeks later.

I later learned that ALL of his colleagues knew what was going on (he was sleeping with one of his grad students), but none of them had the decency to tell me. A heads’ up – even an anonymous note saying, “Want to know why he’s never home? Check his cell phone records” – would have been MUCH appreciated.

Nope, I was a chump – and his colleagues were all co-conspirators. I haven’t had any contact with them since.

Einstein
Einstein
9 years ago
Reply to  Red

It’s most definitely another shit sandwich when it turns out that people you assumed had your back, actually had the cheaters back. I know no one takes pleasure in being the bearer of bad news, but really??? You know somebody is cheating, the partner is clueless, and you choose to stay silent?

Even more stupifying was the comment made by one of them that I “should have known he would never be faithful”. Yeah…if one person had had the balls to rat him out, I might have realized that!

Scott
Scott
9 years ago
Reply to  Red

The only people exempt from the responsibility of telling me my spouse is cheating is the family of my spouse…which will likely take their family members side mo matter what, and complete strangers. Many of my so called friends during the marriage didnt get involved. They are no longer my friends. If you cant stand up for me when times get tough, i dont want you there when times are good.

You want the solution to the marriage crisis in america? Other people have to be concerned with doing the right thing even when its uncomfortable. Wrong is wrong, cheating is abusive, and we all need to stand up and call it out when we see it.

Tempest
Tempest
9 years ago
Reply to  Scott

I completely agree, Scott. All those who knew about my husband’s affair and didn’t tell me are no longer friends. Yet another way the cheater is toxic–he/she destroys relationships even tangentially.

Drew
Drew
9 years ago
Reply to  Scott

This! “People have to be concerned with doing the right thing even when it’s uncomfortable.” Yes, this.

Mehphista
Mehphista
9 years ago
Reply to  Red

Ugh, Red, that sucks. Your ex isn’t trying to cure cancer, he IS cancer!

Toni
Toni
9 years ago

I got one at work, from a former OW that was pissed at a current OW. I was in shock but held my tongue as I was waiting for his share of the bills….But the next day on my way to work (he had left earlier in the AM than me, he ALWAYS did) I ran smack into him with a third OW!!!! Made it through a few hours work – then lost it, later that evening it all came out…turns out he had been doing this since Day 1. Went through the whole crazy/numb/hysterical scenario. But the scariest part was when I first confronted him and his “mask” fell off. Most unreal and horrifying experience of my life, and I have had quite the life. And would you believe the idiot told me the next day that he had “found out” who wrote the anonymous letter, expecting me to be mad at HER and then tried to turn it around by saying I didn’t love him anyway -. I was just embarrassed! THEN he tried to make it all sound OK by saying they all knew he would would always come home to me, puke-gag-puke! Finally got the locks changed with the help of CL and CNation. True Story. Love my life now…but it took about a year and 1/2. As to your writers story – why wouldn’t she think the FB stuff, etc. Is a dead frickin giveaway? Only bad part for me, aside from the 13 years with him that was a lie is that he’s moved to another state but I’m always on “Red Alert” when I see someone that looks like him…he’ll turn up someday I’m sure – he never had it so good. Thank you Lord for CL! XO

Goldfish
Goldfish
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Exactly. Secret cellphones. Dummy facebook account. Ten alternate email accounts. A hidden smartphone or tablet at a friend’s or under mats in a car trunk. Married OW/OM, so that there is none of this danger of telling the spouse (adultfriendfinder?). If there is a will, there is a way.

I agree with Connie though–something here doesn’t add up. Why would she google CL and even write to her if she is “perfectly fine” and doesn’t believe a single word? Uh.Uh. Nope. I would throw the note away, and never think of it again. Nope. She knows. Deep down, she absolutely 100% knows and is completely pissed off– she’s going to find out who wrote this note and kick their ass for daring to bring this to the surface. HER marriage is FINE, how dare you!

We all know spackle, and contacting CL and “following up” on a non issue is spackle.

Oh. About the cellphone? Mine collected fuckbuddies and potential fuckbuddies in his cellphone—and saved them under men’s names. You can search all you like, sweetheart—those tangible things? They’re the first thing that gets distorted. I can’t figure out these cheaters that save things, like emails and pics—like trophies almost. I think those cheaters are the sickest of the sick.

Anonymous notes are an iffy way to alert someone, agreed. So–how about emails? How about pictures? How about voicemails? I know of 2 instances personally (not mine, unfortunately) that this happened—that my friend heard her husband’s voice leaving messages for his OW over a period of TWO YEARS—and she stayed with him. Because he said he “made a mistake” and was “really sorry”—-know what he did? He went and bought himself another secret cellphone and took his bullshit deeper underground. Do you think I or others bothered at that point to try and tell her that he was still up to no good? NOPE.

At some point, chumps, you gotta do what you gotta do. What’s it worth to you to have a spouse that you don’t have to police? That’s on us. The cheaters will take anything that you offer and then some.

What would I do if I got an anonymous letter back then, when I was married and stupid? First, I don’t go for the idea that someone simply writes you a letter randomly to fuck with you. I have never had that happen to me, nor have I heard of it being done.

Where there’s smoke, there’s fire. If someone went to that trouble to contact you or to find you at work—there is a reason. Find out the reason. If it’s harassment, then deal with it. I don’t give two shits if it’s a “bitter dumped OW/OM”—WHO CARES. So they got dumped by your spouse and they are out for a little payback.

The problem isn’t the “motives” of the OW/OM. IT’S THAT MY HUSBAND IS FUCKING ANOTHER WOMAN. Period.

You think I wouldn’t want to KNOW that my husband was fucking another woman and bringing that shit home to me and using me?? Really? I don’t care WHO tells me—as long as they DO. Do I care what her name was? No. I don’t need that shit. I don’t need the added stress of doing the same thing that all of us has done when we found that information out—stalk their fb page, drive past their house, google them.

I do want proof though, and if this is the best I’m going to get, then fine. I’ll do the rest on my own. If you as a friend are given or know information more than just a vague idea—and you keep that information to yourself for WHATEVER reason (OW is bitter. I want to stay neutral. I don’t know how to say it.)—you’re as big of an asshole as the cheater is, in my opinion.

ANC
ANC
9 years ago
Reply to  Goldfish

Goldfish: “I do want proof though, and if this is the best I’m going to get, then fine. I’ll do the rest on my own. If you as a friend are given or know information more than just a vague idea—and you keep that information to yourself for WHATEVER reason (OW is bitter. I want to stay neutral. I don’t know how to say it.)—you’re as big of an asshole as the cheater is, in my opinion.”

Exactly! In two instances, one a work colleague of my cheater KNEW about the MOW because he picked up her friend at the bar the same night as Asshole picked up the MaryKay pig and all the other nights he was banging the female coworker at other corporate events. And second, Asshole’s singing buddies who knew the fat assed MaryKay MOW at all of the competitions were NOT ME as Mrs. Asshole in the various convention hotels.

Exactly my thought about those cowards, Goldfish. I cannot reconcile those betrayals as well. I had those creeps in my house, around my kids.

ANC
ANC
9 years ago
Reply to  ANC

Feel free to shoot me, grammar police.

TimeHeals
TimeHeals
9 years ago
Reply to  ANC

Well, if you must be shot ….

ANC
ANC
9 years ago
Reply to  TimeHeals

I need a grammar checker. When I get apassionato in the pissed off way, my grammar stinks.

TimeHeals
TimeHeals
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Yea, the old me wouldn’t have snooped either. Look how that worked out.

MmmHmm
MmmHmm
9 years ago
Reply to  TimeHeals

OMG TH! Me, too! My ExH had someone call the first man I dated after our divorce. This person told the new guy that I was still dating my ExH, that I has cheated on my ExH several times (NEVER did), has an eating disorder, and to watch out for me because I only used my ExH for money. He was also told that my ExH was “so good to me and my kids but my kids were allowed to totally disrespect him and beat him down.” Nothing could be farther from the truth. I found out it was a former friend of ours that made the call. It hurt because she asked me for the new guy’s phone number (for a made up reason) and I gave it to her. Not only can we not trust the cheating exes, we cannot trust people we used to think were friends

JustAroundtheBend
JustAroundtheBend
9 years ago
Reply to  MmmHmm

What was the reason that you friend gave to call your new date? Since I have had problems with female friends getting too chummy with my husband,my antenna will be up the next time a friend has some reason to call my partner (bf, husband..) Of course, these days, they can simply private message them through FB or LinkedIn.

ChumpBlocker
ChumpBlocker
9 years ago
Reply to  MmmHmm

What did that new guy think?

Raging
Raging
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

My wife was a friend of mine on FB, but she would never like my stuff or interact with me.. never got a photo of us, or a happy anniversary note like all the other husbands got. If I asked, it would be me being controlling or jealous. She’d message and interact with other people, she even told one girl that was cheating with the delivery guy, how she was jealous and happy for her. When I told her that was just out of line and hurtful to me, she said ‘why were you snooping on my Facebook page’.. (deflect to victim mode) I told her everyone could see it, it was on my page too.. one of my first red flags… asked if she had a delivery guy, she of course said no and was insulted that I’d even go there… she was sleeping with a coworker creepy old man. They had no contact on Facebook or email, they only interacted in work. The phone thing was only a month or so because he was out of work, it was enough for me to bust her.

KibbleFree_MightyMe
KibbleFree_MightyMe
9 years ago
Reply to  Raging

Yes!! This is EXACTLY the same kind of bullshit these f-tards ALL do to us!! There’s nothing unique about ANY of them! They all “scream” at us how unfaithful they are by NOT publicly connecting themselves to us loyal chumps through social media. Gotta protect the fake image they’ve fed their whores, ya know.

Somehow, these f-ed up idiots likely think they’re “cheating” on their whores by giving their loyal spouses a freakin’ happy face or a “like” to something we post. We post because we’re AUTHENTIC and want to share the love we have for them or our kids. Stupid chumps we are.

My whole family is connected on a Path (app). JUST family, so it’s not even like any f-ing whore of his would see it!! You can see which family members viewed your post. For the WHOLE year leading up to my finding his dumb ass out, I would ask, “Why don’t you even put a heart or smiley face next to our kids when I post their photos, or when I earn an award, or something really cool happens at work and I post it?” His LAME answer? “I’m just gonna log off of that! If you’re always gonna pressure me to put a little freaking heart or something, then forget it! I don’t wanna be on it then – shit!!” I’d say, “Yeah – way to blow it out of proportion. A smiley face next to our daughter’s beautiful photo is worth getting butthurt about. Yep.” What a f-ing DOUCHE BAG he is.

Surfergirl – you HAVE to file. For a number of reasons:
– In some states the longer that you knew of his adultery, but stay, or even sleep with him (don’t!), you’ve “forgiven” him, and can’t use adultery as a reason for your filing for divorce.

– You need to have/ask for an immediate temporary order to be put in place, thus securing child support, spousal support, for paying bills, and more importantly, showing that f-tard you’re not playing his wack-job games any longer, and you don’t give a shit what he thinks about you or the marriage. You were loyal, you’re the ONLY good parent, he destroyed your marriage, you’re done with his mediocrity. DONE.

– Use a credit card that belongs to him, of which you’re an authorized user. Charge your lawyer fees to this card, and make sure he gets 100% responsibility of that card. He’ll pay for your legal fees this way. (It works. I just did it during mediation.)

– If you have an iPad or tablet, change your PW now, and start a Notes section. Document every day. Just a bit of what’s said, copy-and-past texts he sends you, emails, whatever. But this becomes a time line of documentation of his abuse of you and his emotional and possibly physical abandonment of your kids. Can you say limited time with your babies?? I can. My daughter has ZERO overnights with her abandoning sperm donor. She’s safe with me after World’s Greatest “Dad” takes her to dinner. F-tard.

Chickie, you will eventually get to the point of honestly not caring what the hell he thinks because really, who the hell cares what disordered whores think? He used you, abused you emotionally, and even physically if he brought some STD home to you (asswipe!), and so YOU determine your value as a woman of integrity, as an ass-kicking mother of children that you REFUSE to allow to witness his abuse of you any longer. You’ll teach them what it means to respect yourself, and them. THIS is what love does: the hard, uncomfortable thing. Staying teaches them that dysfunction and abuse is acceptable. It’s not. You know it. That’s why you’re a member of Chump Nation.

My attitude and language comes one year (this month) out from DDay, with of hundreds of hours of treadmill running, volunteering, working with a counselor, having my daughter in counseling, and spending time alone with Jesus. You are mighty. You are a Mom. You are a woman. You brought those kids into this world after (I’m guessing by your description of this f-tard…) his maximum 30-second fun time with you 9 months prior to their births. YOU have the biggest investment. Don’t f around with this moron any longer.

See your lawyer tomorrow. Tell him/her EVERYTHING that he’s threatened you about (thus, documentation…). Tell him NOTHING of your intent to file. Be mighty. Come here for support. We’re here for you, girl. ((((HUGS!!)))

Kadee
Kadee
7 years ago

I know this post is old, but your advice has helped me tremendously!! I would really be thankful for any more advise you can offer as I am going through a nasty separation (and divorce soon). If there is an email address to contact you, or something? I promise I’m not a crazy stalker lady! Just a single mom with no one to get advise from on my situation. Please help!

Neverbetter
Neverbetter
7 years ago
Reply to  Kadee

I also were reading all of these old posts and not sure if anyone has reached out to you but I will chat if you still need a sounding board. Marriage is difficult and divorce is probably the hardest thing you will ever do but is very liberating, you will find yourself in the process.

Raging
Raging
9 years ago

Add him as a friend on Facebook. If he asks why or refuses, or gives any indication that it’s a problem.. any reason at all to not have you on his Facebook page is a major red flag.

If your gut feelings weren’t bothering you before.. they should be on high alert now.

When I drove to see where my wife was in a rush to head out to.. I had a gut feeling, but that was years and years of cheating to get me to do that. I felt guilt.. I felt shame.. how could I not trust her, to follow her.. she would never cheat.. I’d find her, and she’d be alone and I’d feel bad for doubting her fidelity. After decades together, childhood friends, she vowed to never do that to me. Well, when I saw her with another man.. I still convinced myself that I must be confused to what was going on… until I checked her phone records. Then I got the ‘just friends… just a kiss… one time… a dozen times.. one year.. two years.. three years.. five years… loved him, our bed, his bed, at work etc…..’ Through anniversaries, birthdays, holidays.. all those memories trashed now. Get your head out of the sand and at least verify before you end up where I am a decade from now.

So yea, we all thought they were special and our marriage was special and nobody would cheat on us, and we all had our heads in the sand at some point… that’s how we got chumped.

Nord
Nord
9 years ago
Reply to  Raging

Raging, I get the feeling of all those memories being destroyed, and it sucked. It still sucks, because when the kids bring up some great time I sometimes remember that that was when the idiot was fucking OW x, y, or z.

So horrible, this stuff, sometimes even now.

Moving Liquid
Moving Liquid
9 years ago
Reply to  Raging

Well said!

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
9 years ago

I only wish I’d gotten a letter, or even that my friend had not been afraid to tell me my ex hit on her. Would have saved me years of shit and likely saved me from actually marrying the asshole. I’m a pretty logical person so if I did get such a letter I would check it out.

There’s a saying in the military “trust but verify”. I wish I’d done that more over the years…of course I like many other chumps, I forgave the first episode and trusted again, completely. Sometimes our feelings over ride our logic a bit too well. One thing I do know, after I caught him cheating again I found he’d had a myspace account for years that listed him as single. He said he forgot he even had the account, I pointed out he created while we were together so that didn’t fly.

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
9 years ago

CL, just a thought. Maybe the person that wrote her that letter IS one of the affair partners that wrote to you. You have blogged on a couple of them. Maybe look at them and see if they match up…

namedforvera
namedforvera
9 years ago

I definitely wish someone had told me…like the friend of Ex who, with his wife, was also “my friend”, and knew all about the shenanigans. And all the other people that ex was busily telling how crappy I was as a wife and how much our marriage sucked. Everyone except me. Y-e-a-h. About that part, I did not know.

I did have one friend, still one of my besties, who looked at his behavior and called it, she said he was lining up another nest.

It freaked me out of course, and like the full-immersion chump that I was, I went racing home to ask Ex if that was true (Snort,…after the fact…) He said no, so everything simmered down. Until D-day a year later. And that was 2 years ago, and now I’m here, and more healed than not, kinda sorta. But I do have a life, and he’s not in it.

I think any kind of telling is a kindness, but a straight up here’s some evidence, I’m sorry I did this but you should know yadda yadda telling would be best. The Chump might not believe it for a while, but it would get the gears going.

And whoever pointed that person to this blog did her a favor, imho.

HM
HM
9 years ago
Reply to  namedforvera

Yeah, because of the recommendation to look up this blog, i am inclined to think that it’s NOT the OW. I don’t get the impression this is a place they (APs) hang out. Maybe it’s a friend of his, maybe it’s a member of his family who can’t be found out…. just a thought.

surfergirl
surfergirl
9 years ago

I received a letter. The letter was preceded by two telephone calls that I ignored. My husband traveled extensively for work and is not a social man. When he traveled he very infrequentIy checked in. I never worried for one minute that he would be cheating on me. I was home with his kids and I thought he respected me for that. The phone calls came about 24 hours apart and asked if I knew how my husband entertained himself when he was on the road. I ignored them, I didn’t attempt to contact him, they didn’t raise any red flags, I simply ignored them. Several days later I received a packet in the mail that contained emails he had sent to escort services reserving particular girls in cities he was visiting. Very short and to the point..”I will be landing at De Gaulle at 7pm is Katerina available to meet in my room at the Four Seasons at 10pm” the fact that he didn’t give any information about himself leads me to believe that the agency was familiar with him. After receiving this information I did snoop on his computer and took my phone to the Sprint store to have them trace the calls I had received. The calls were untraceable but I found a lot more of the same on the computer. When he returned home and the kids were out of the house I confronted him. He denied it, said I was insane and just trying to stir up trouble, being insecure etc…showed him the emails and he admitted it. Refused to give me any details, refused to take responsibility, did agree to counseling. That was two years ago this week. Since then I’ve found out that his activities are not limited to when he travels, found out that he thinks I am a huge loser for staying home with my kids, found out that he would rather not have sex than be with me, assume his behaviors continue..BUT he still wants me here because he can’t figure out how to get rid of me without having to give me large amounts of money. He wants me to just disappear..doesn’t understand why I won’t..I hate the person who sent me the letter. I loved the life I used to have. Now I am just lonely and uncomfortable in my own home. Scared to move..hate to stay.

Carrie Reimer
Carrie Reimer
9 years ago
Reply to  surfergirl

Surfergirl, I know it sucks to have your perfect life bubble burst but it was all a sham and now that he knows you know you are in danger. Do not for a minute think he wouldn’t “get rid of you” it happens all the time. Get yourself a lawyer, DO NOT TELL HIM what you are doing and when he is out of town, get your kids and yourself to safety ASAP. I have a free safety plan download on my site Ladywithatruck.com Please download it and use it.
You don’t want to face reality and I understand that. It is very hard to accept that the man you love and trusted explicitly could ever harm you. But it sounds to me like he is a narcissist and they do not have a conscience, they are in it to win at any cost. I know I was lucky to escape with my life and that is all I had, $5, my dog and my life. It was not the letter writer who ruined your marriage; they could be the one who saves your life.
You will survive, even if you don’t feel like it now. I am sorry you are going through this. Good luck

Jennifer
Jennifer
9 years ago
Reply to  surfergirl

Please get a personal safety plan. “He just wants me to disappear” made me nervous for you.

Lisah
Lisah
9 years ago
Reply to  Jennifer

My x started to talk about how he wanted me to just disappear. How he hoped I would die of cancer or in an accident and then even stated he and MOW had discussed how to make me disappear before his latest job relocation. It had been on his mind for quite some time.

Long story short – I saved myself by using a women’s shelter. He is a Minister and I have no rights to the house.

Once their secret is out, the mask comes off and so do the gloves. If you think he would never hurt or kill you – you are wrong.

Mehphista
Mehphista
9 years ago
Reply to  Jennifer

I second that, surfergirl! My ex nearly had me suicidal. The only thing that stopped me was realizing that he would have seen it as a compliment.

Pick up your babies, and get yhem and yourself away from the crazy-sticking with it (as my parents did) will put your kids in the exact same shoes.

Scott
Scott
9 years ago
Reply to  Mehphista

And dont think its just the men doing it…my ex wife threatened to kill me, tried accusing me of spousal rape, told me her male lovers were out to get me, and so on. At one point when she suddenly wanted to reconcile (after the divorce papers were served) she said, “oh you know me i would never do that, i said those things in anger” to which i replied, “you also told me youd be faithful, you lied about that so i really dont know what to believe”. Liars lie, but the threats are real. One of my regrets in the process is that i didnt call the cops on her when she threatened me.

DoneNow
DoneNow
9 years ago
Reply to  Jennifer

That made me shiver too. When my Ex was at that point, he found someone he thought would just “replace” me. New wife, new Mom for our children. He started a campaign to make me and everyone else think I was an unfit mother. That’s when I found the will to fight. I didn’t even have proof at that time, just knew he was up to something. It didn’t work, mostly because it didn’t work out with OW. I hate thinking about what would have happened if I’d given him time to set it all up again with a new OW. Who knows what these sickos are thinking. Protect yourself, and your children, surfergirl.

DoneNow
DoneNow
9 years ago
Reply to  surfergirl

Oh, sweetheart, I’ve been there. You can’t keep living like that. My husband travelled too, I trusted him. We have children and I’m raising them mostly on my own. Your will get to a point where you feel used-as a maid, nanny, personal assistant. You will also feel abused. The anger will eat at you and cause you so much pain. I hope you find a way out of the life you’re living now. It is scary. It’s been a year since the divorce, and I’m still scared. But I couldn’t go back to living with that man. No way. And raising your children is important life’s work-you deserve to be treated with respect for that. I hope you have a good therapist, and if you don’t, you’ll consider finding one and support in moving forward. He’s not going to change. Take that money and start a new life!! The energy spent being angry at whoever sent the letter, and wishing it were not true, is wasted. Spend that energy on you and the kids, and on kicking this man to the curb. Be glad you got it before he leaves you, or gives you an STD, or drains your finances, or invites crazy into your life…Best of luck to you!

Surger girl
Surger girl
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I am no longer a SAHM, I took apart time job within a month of finding out about his activities. Since then I’ve increased hours to be close to full time..really thought that I was a boring mom and deserved this treatment. Since then I’ve found out that no matter what I do he will always find flaws that he can use to justify cheating. Sad addition to this is that I’m not the only victim, the person my husband believed sent me the information was fired shortly thereafter. Presumably for other reasons. Saddest thing is I believe the man who lost his job was not the person who ratted him out..

fiestypants
fiestypants
9 years ago

I agree with Connie, something isn’t adding up. She very well could have some sort of arrangement for herself in it (beyond wanting trust, faithfulness etc). The letter the “chump” received was vague, yes. However, the writer mentioned her husband has her middle name in his phone instead of her first name, they also know that her husband isn’t friends with her on facebook. While it’s still vague, they are still somewhat specific examples. I would think that if the writer was just trying to F with her that she would have kept it even vaguer, like “he’s cheating” and said nothing more than that. The writer would probably need to know the wife’s full name to recognize her middle name, have seen her husband’s phone and they would have searched for her on facebook to find the missing facebook link. The writer is someone that knows her and her husband. The wife is in the classic, chump denial mode that so many here can relate to. Hopefully some sense gets knocked into her sooner rather than later.

sodone
sodone
9 years ago
Reply to  fiestypants

FP,

Exactly what I was thinking! Sometimes the OW gets impatient during the separation process, or STBX
tells them they are leaving you for them, and it never happens. Looks like the OW was putting out a little
insurance policy for her future, while being vague about her identity.

Nord
Nord
9 years ago

I got an anonymous letter after dday, quoting some online exchanges between them. Big freaking deal at that point, because I was busy uncovering the rest of his ho-bag ways.

Had I gotten it before dday and it had enough info I’d like to think I would have investigated but who can say for sure. I was absolutely sure of my ex and was very sure about the strength of our bond, even during difficult times (which I now know were brought on by his spells of cheating).

It’s a tough call but if the person who wrote is reading this I would say start looking more carefully and reevaluate those moments that seemed a bit off but you thought weren’t all that important.

Kelli
Kelli
9 years ago

I wish I would have received a letter like this. Especially since most of my STBXH’s affairs included women he worked with–mostly the ones he supervised. Everyone at his work knew that he had been cheating on me for years.

In November, 2013, his boss personally witnessed the STBXH pick up a hooker on Bourbon Street while in New Orleans for a work trip. But, in December, 2013, less than a month later, she asked me to host their annual company Christmas party at my house like she knew nothing.

One of his older employees (most were college kids) is also one of my neighbors, and her teenaged daughters babysit my children. She knew about his cheating, and never said a word. For some insane reason, people just don’t want to get involved.

The funny thing is… when you use a very loose definition of funny… is that this past weekend, that same neighbor, who has since apologized and is helping me in my case, asked my opinion of whether or not to tell his new girlfriend that his pregnant “ex” girlfriend was coming to stay the weekend. I told her to sing like a goddamned canary.

I think at first, she thought I was saying that out of anger or hatred for him. I’m not angry at him anymore. I don’t like his morals and actions, and I hate what he has done and continues to do to me, but I have a much better life now that he is gone than I ever did when we were together. I don’t want to jinx it, but I really think I have achieved meh…

I digress…

So, I explained to my neighbor that when you voluntarily agree in a relationship not to have sex with other people, and then do it anyway, you are putting your pleasure above their health and wellbeing. I explained to her that affairs don’t “just happen.” It’s not like just a drunken night gone wrong.

At each phase of action–flirting, taking a number, calling, meeting up, kissing, having sex–at each of these phases, you make a conscious decision. You know it goes against what you voluntarily agreed to with your partner, you know there could be consequences, you know it will at minimum hurt your partner’s feelings, and you decide to do it anyway. He put his own need for pleasure above my health when he decided to have sex with hookers and not use a condom. Jeopardizing my health was lower on his priority list than a $40 quickie in an alley behind Tropical Isle.

It was only when I put it to her in these terms that she finally understood how damaging his (and all) affairs are, and started crying on the phone apologizing again for not telling me sooner. So, ultimately she said she would tell the girlfriend.

It was funny when she asked, “What if she gets mad?” I said, “So what?! What’s the worst that can happen? She yells at you, calls you a liar, and blocks your number on her phone? Yep, that’s a tragedy of epic proportions…. But, at least you know that YOU are doing the right thing. What she does with the information is on her.”

young
young
9 years ago

Even though the letter doesn’t contain any evidence, I think it might plant seeds in her mind, which might eventually lead her to the truth, judging from my own experience.

Although I never received a letter like this, after my XH gave me the ILYBINILWY speech, coupled with 101 reasons of why I was a horrible wife and neglected him (this 6 months after our 2nd DC was born), I posted what he said on the Marriage Builders website, under the save-your-marriage forum, as I was determined to do anything to address my XH’s criticisms and save my marriage. It didn’t even cross my mind that he was having an affair (though I thought XH was thinking about it, which is why he was giving me this speech).

Immediately, someone at MB moved my post to the “Surviving an Affair” forum, as apparently what XH said was a dead give-away that he was affair. Lots of posters chimed in, saying that I should look at his computer, phone, phone records, even hire a PI! I thought they were crazy, said I was confident that XH was not having an affair and never would, and then I just stopped posting onto MB and didn’t think much about what they said after that. I thought my energies would be better focused on trying to be the best wife to XH I knew how to be.

A couple of months later, XH had not come home for 4 nights in a row, saying that he sleeping in the call room at the hospital because he was so busy with work (he’s a doctor). He would from time to time sleep in the call room because of work (now, looking back, maybe there were other affairs), so I didn’t think much of it initially. But I then thought about what those “crazy” MB posters said and started looking at our family computer and the history of websites visited–there were searches for romantic restaurants, romantic bed and breakfasts, and it looked like he had tried to book a room for that weekend! Also, there was a search for incoming flights, so I could tell that he was meeting someone at the airport that weekend. Also, I looked at his cell phone records and saw that he made numerous phone calls to various hotels–there was one he talked to for 20 minutes, and when I called that hotel, I confirmed that he had made a reservation there. And his phone records showed that he was calling/texting one number extremely frequently–I called this number, and a female voice answered the phone.

I confronted him with the evidence (this was before I knew about CL), and he fessed up to an EA. In any case, if those “crazy” MB posters had not mentioned that they thought that XH was having an affair, I probably would have never been motivated to snoop until much later, if ever. I’m glad they planted the seeds in my mind, or else I could have been in the dark, perhaps forever–XH might have just left and divorced me and then claim that he met OW later (which is what he told me he wanted the narrative to be), and I would have never known. Although MB does have some faults (which CL has described elsewhere), I am grateful to them for pointing me to the truth of XH’s infidelity.

As an aside, I think there should be a public service announcement saying that, if your spouse tells you “ILYBINILWY,” that means s/he is having an affair.

Hopeful Cynic
Hopeful Cynic
9 years ago
Reply to  young

People who say “I love you but I’m not in love with you” only say that when they have the thrill of new romance (limerence) with a new lover. They know the intensity of the new feelings completely surpasses the deep boring love they have with the spouse, therefore that must mean they are no longer in love with the spouse. You only make that discovery once you have something to compare. That’s why it’s a sure indicator of an affair. Or at the very least, the beginnings of one.

Freeatlast
Freeatlast
9 years ago
Reply to  Hopeful Cynic

Yep. I got the ILYBIMNILWY when he had started a relationship with one of his latest OW. All the others hadn’t been long. But then he sustained this one for a while. That saying is a dead give away IMO.

Shechump
Shechump
9 years ago
Reply to  young

omg, young, this exactly what happened to me. I looked up personality changes and it took me right to midlife forum. Wow – what an earful I got after I started with…I KNOW for sure he isn’t having an affair – I KNOW this man..and proceeded to tell them what he’d been doing. No way that was happening in MY case – they were crazy…but it planted the seed and everything came-down really quickly after that. But, I’ll tell you, I was a cement block believing this was true.

These online forums can be amazing. It didn’t take me long after that to find CL and burn the house down. One year later, after 35 yrs, here I am divorced. SO glad I listened to everything ppl were saying and glad I didn’t waste one more bucket of uncertainty on this ass.

lorna
lorna
9 years ago

First I discovered evidence of the affair, then I discovered Chump Lady and her followers. Thank you all for your open and frank discussion and helpful do-this-don’t-do-that. My confrontation day was this past weekend and he admitted everything – even told me who it was. I went in to C-Day armed with snippets of advice and some killer lines from this blog and I ruled! I wish there had been someone in my circle of ‘friiends’ who could have warned me. If I ever discover that one of my friends is being chumped I will definitely tell. And as soon as possible.
Lorna

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
9 years ago
Reply to  lorna

Glad you are doing OK Lorna!

kb
kb
9 years ago
Reply to  lorna

Lorna, you are mighty!

Moving Liquid
Moving Liquid
9 years ago
Reply to  lorna

Welcome to the club no one wants to belong to, Lorna. And well done, you!

AnnieW56
AnnieW56
9 years ago

I received a phone call at my work from the OW who just happened to be the woman that my XH had lived with before he met me. He moved her out a couple of days after he started dating me (but I didn’t know this at the time.) I didn’t believe her UNTIL she sent me every email exchange that they had. Then I started looking at his computer and his cell phone.

Why didn’t I believe her? Because while I didn’t know that they have lived together, I had heard about her and her “crazy”. He had offered his version of the truth to me and I believed him when he said that she wanted a relationship with him but he had always run the other way. He had me convinced she was crazy. Until I received the emails and saw how crazy he was.

Even then, we went to counseling, but it never ended and I never trusted him again. When we finally split it was because he asked me for the divorce. I would probably still be in there fighting for my rights as wife (really stupid!). I should write the woman he left me for thanking her, but I could also give her evidence of his continuing infidelity. He has his profile posted on several adult dating websites and he and I did the pick me dance for awhile until I got smart and called a halt to it all. Even then, he continued to send me emails suggesting that we get back together. Perhaps I should do her a favor and send them all to her.

Nah … they deserve each other!

Mehphista
Mehphista
9 years ago

I reckon these letters tend to get written when the AP starts to sense they are about to be discarded. After all, if they cared about being a decent person, or not hurting faithful spouses and their kids, they wouldn’t fuck married people in the first place, would they?

Sc
Sc
9 years ago
Reply to  Mehphista

I agree Meh!! I have often wondered why cheaters even bother with getting married. My husband was never faithful, so why not just stay single and date around??

Mehphista
Mehphista
9 years ago
Reply to  Sc

Cake, simple as that.

I really don’t know what to make of this post-I got the opposite of any warning. If anything, when I confided suspicions in friends, they spackled and denied. Friend list is a lot shorter, so maybe that picker is fixed. And it is Tuesday!

love to all in Chump Nation.

x-Meh.

PS-Trust but verify. Rock on, Dat!

samiam
samiam
9 years ago

Knowing what I know now? I would hire a PI to track his movements and do some investigating. I would also either ask to look at his phone right that minute and not take no for an answer or I would look at his phone while he was in the shower.

I used to have a “no snoping” policy, but now, fuck that. I wasted two year of my life on a lying cheating crapweasle. No more.

UnderConstruction
UnderConstruction
9 years ago
Reply to  samiam

Losing the innocent “no snooping” part of myself was one of the things I learned had to be properly mourned a bit. I’ve never respected snoopers in general, but knowing what I know now, it can literally save lives in certain circumstances. If I’m ever in a relationship where red flags arise, I’ll snoop to save myself. No guilt!

Shechump
Shechump
9 years ago

UnderConstruction – funny thing that one of the most hurtful parts of this nighmare was finding myself on my ass in his sacred home-office scattered with files and madly copying documents hoping the thing wouldn’t run out of ink. Took me two full days (while he was gone Fking her) I thought that not only was I nuts but so were all these nutty sites I was consumed with on the internet making me do this!

I felt completely dishonest, humiliated, shameful for Snooping, and just disgusted with myself. And, bawled the entire time.

Well, those 2 days saved my life; finding secret bank accts and, mainly, having everything I needed to file.
My ducks were firmly line up – that alone, is pretty precious stuff.

It’s not snooping when you realize you’ve been foiled all along.

The wisdom of this site is truly rewarding, as painful as it is to stomach.

Moving Liquid
Moving Liquid
9 years ago
Reply to  samiam

Agreed. Me too. If I knew then what I know now.

Uniquelyme
Uniquelyme
9 years ago

I got an anonymous letter from OW2’s boyfriend. I determibed it was him later. It was actually a very kind letter, telling me that I deserve better. OW2 was stringing along her BF until my then husband would leave me. I already knew about the OW when I got the letter but my then husband told me it was over. I got the letter on Saturday and saw a lawyer the following week and filed for divorce. Alas, CL wasn’t around then so I took back his sorry ass before the divorce could be final and withdrew the papers. That was 13 years before the final OW.

This woman will be back here on CL. She can only pretend for so long. Her choice: suffer for a brief period or suffer a lifetime. Only she can determine her worth.

Sc
Sc
9 years ago

I did get a text message like this. The ow sent me an anonymous text telling me my husband was cheating. She then went NC with ME, not with him. I only sent one message back, “can we talk?” I got nothing back. She clearly only sent it to break up my marriage because she figured out he was never going to leave me and I was never going to find out because he’s such a good liar. Since she sent no proof, I of course confronted him. He denied everything saying they were just friends. I did some research. Turned out they were following each other on twitter and she had launched a nasty smear campaign against me. He was a firefighter who worked in a city an hour away from our home town so I didn’t know his coworkers very well. The ones I did know refused to even say hi to me because it turned out he had been telling then all for MONTHS how unhappy he was, u was such a bitch, only using him for money, he sleeps on the sofa (forgot to tell the HE put himself on the sofa). She had been going to see him at work. They all knew about her. They may not have known how deeply involved he was. He had been setting the stage for months to leave me and no one would’ve been surprised. The ow would post how stupid I was for asking questions with obvious answers. She had literally infiltrated my life. She wanted my husband to be her husband (she even posted about wanting a ring), my daughter to be her daughter, our friends to be her friends, etc. She had friended every one of his coworkers on Facebook. She lived in a tin 2 hours away but came to our town to visit frequently and would spend the night at one of the other fire fighters houses that I used to be friends with. I literally felt I was being shoved out if my own life. He works for a fire department in a suburb of Kansas City. He’s in the right profession for attention! These narcs thrive on it. He’s part of the fire fighter color guard that’s going to raise the flag at the World Series game tonight in KC. This is his big moment! I wonder if anyone told Billy Butler he won’t be the most important guy on the field at tonight’s game. Butler only THINKS the fans will be screaming for him.

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
9 years ago
Reply to  Sc

Jedi Hugs SCSays!

Blindsided
Blindsided
9 years ago

As CL pointed out the letter was mean spirited. It does in fact sound like the OW & a manipulative attempt to break up the marriage. No better way to win the pick me dance.

vixonian@zoomtown.com
vixonian@zoomtown.com
9 years ago

I got a letter too! It was not anything about my husband, it was about me and how I didn’t have any class, was just trailer trash, and on and on…I lived in an upscale neighborhood in Dallas at the time. I first thought one of my next door neighbors had gotten mad about my dog barking or maybe I hadn’t taken the trash cans off the curb in a timely manner. Then I realized it was post marked out of town. This someone didn’t know me…and my husband traveled !!!!! Thats when I knew how he really felt about me. He obviously told some chippy what a terrible wife I was. I’m sure she rushed in to save him…thank god too!!! Not long after he left me and our three kids to deal with the house foreclosing as he was enjoying his new apartment. That was my first cheater…boy I can pick um!

Moving Liquid
Moving Liquid
9 years ago

Too bad the letter wasn’t more specific. I mean, it’s subtle and it’s there, but it can easily be ignored or attributed to someone who just wants to hurt you. I hope she thinks long and hard about what CL told her. Something tells me she’ll be here with us eventually.

Yes, I wish I had been given a letter like that. It would be better than having him TO THIS DAY still insisting that he began to fuck someone after we separated and not before. I can’t even get that one measly truth out of him. I deserve that much.

I hope she doesn’t waste years of her life on a serial cheater.

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
9 years ago

Everyone in the exercise group where my ex and his OW worked knew about their affair. They all knew me as well, but no one ever bothered to tell me about it. Someone DID, however, send an anonymous email to the OW, telling her that my ex was closet gay and had loads of sex with other men. The OW’s husband actually saw that email and that is how he found out his wife was cheating. Anyway, I guess it didn’t bother the OW that much, because she continued the affair on and off for months more, and possibly years for all I know.

As for the message sent to the OP here: I assume that the husband’s OW sent it, either in an attempt to blow apart the marriage so she can scoop up the “prize” of the husband, or because he dumped her and she is angry and out for revenge. Either way, if I was the OP, I would start quietly investigating ASAP. I would ask him to friend me on Facebook and start looking at phone and credit card records. They say denial runs strong, and so the OP might spackle like crazy for awhile, maybe for years, but my guess is she will be back here on ChumpLady eventually with a sad story of how she should have paid attention when she got that message.

Babushka
Babushka
9 years ago

I didn’t get a letter, but I honestly wonder what I would have done had I received one. In my darkest days, knowing me, I likely would have spackled the shit out of it and then thrown it away. I probably would have shown it to my x and then happily soaked up the excuses and lies that would undoubtedly follow. Back then, although a little part of me knew, the rest of me wasn’t ready to believe it and no letter would have changed that. God, I was so stupid back then.

Now, if I received a letter like that (and I was in a romantic relationship) I’d probably take it seriously. Once bitten, twice shy I guess.

🙂

HappyXChump
HappyXChump
9 years ago
Reply to  Babushka

I was thinking the exact same thing, Babushka! I wouldn’t necessarily say I was stupid back then but definitely naive and I was so invested in the life we were creating and the dream of what our life would be that I would have just spackled over anything written in a letter like that.

The new wife who wrote to CL breaks my heart – she absolutely does not want to see what might be right in front of her eyes. She was me 15 years ago but the difference is, she’s been given a warning. I was not. I want to shake her and say “please investigate this – there is a reason why someone wrote you this letter and you need to find out what it all means!” My hope is the fact that she wrote to CL may indicate there is a feeling of doubt (that she isn’t willing to admit) and if she reads everyone’s responses, maybe she’ll wake up out of her denial.

Dr. I Can't Believe I'm a Chump
Dr. I Can't Believe I'm a Chump
9 years ago

No letter. He just walked out. I found a receipt after he left that basically indicated to me that he was cheating even before we were married. Other odd little stories started to make sense. It would have been nice to receive a little before I committed to him. I had no “gut feeling” either and was recently married. But if denial works for her, good luck and best wishes.

Syringa
Syringa
9 years ago

I never got a letter but if I had I’m not sure I would have believed it…..at first. But I think it would have planted the seeds and I would have started snooping as CL suggested. The thing is, I completely trusted my husband and never dreamed in a million years he would cheat on me. Years into our married I learned that he had cheated on his ex-wife. He had an affair and ran off with the OW and married her and it blew up in his face so bad I thought for sure he had learned some kind of lesson…ha!…but then again I thought I was dealing with a real person too just like I’m sure this person does. So yeah, I would have started snooping around.

BTW CL Much better font and easier to read with the gray gone.

Syringa
Syringa
9 years ago

Something strange happened right after we got married and I never put it together until years later. Much later, after D Day. I was sitting in my new husband’s office and one of his older female coworker’s came by and slammed the door to his office so hard the windows in the entire building rattled like an earthquake just struck. I was so startled I said WTF was that about?? She was about 10 years older than him and very strange and no one liked her and not good looking so of course I never thought that maybe they had something going on at one time. I asked him why she did that and he gave me some flimsy excuse and I believed him, because well, I just did. She would call our house in the evenings several times a night and I really started asking questions…. like why the hell is she calling our house? He put a stop to it and the phone calls came to an end.

Fast forward many years…after DDay a friend of mine who worked for the same institution as all of us said to me….’So obviously (insert name of above woman) had an affair with your XH because no way in hell would she have gotten that job any other way. OoooOOooo I said,and a light bulb went on in my head…. now it all made perfect sense. Of course he had been screwing her. Not while we were married but definitely before when he was married to his last wife. This woman got all jealous that he married me and was furious at him. That explained her bizarre behavior.

On another note, the OW in my case KNOWS my XH cheats on her and she doesn’t care. She’s okay with it. Believe it or not, some women will put up with ANYTHING to have a man. I say women here because I don’t know if men would be so eager to put up with this kind of stuff…maybe but I doubt it. It seems women think a man is the Big Prize in life. So maybe the author of this letter doesn’t care if her husband is a cheater?

Portia
Portia
9 years ago

I tried to warn the online women my husband was flirting with and stringing along when I was snooping and found out what he was doing. One thing led to another and another, and I had cause to snoop — but no one warned me. I was met with a less than enthusiastic response — some of the women called him and told him a “crazy ex girlfriend” had hacked his online account. Many did not believe I was his wife. His online profile was full of outrageous lies, but none of them questioned him. I didn’t want them to get hurt by his lies, and at that time I was reeling from all I had found out. He was working the online service like a sales job, contacting between 25 to 50 women a day, and following up with the ones who responded. If he had worked a job that hard, he would have been successful instead of unemployed. At any rate, their disbelief did not really harm me, and the fact that I found out what a liar and cheat he was actually ended up saving me. It was quite a shock, one I didn’t want to believe, but the evidence was clear. We don’t want to believe someone we love would do that, and we want to believe we are special — but to a cheater, we are all just supply. I was paying the bills and providing the comforts of life, and every day while I was working he was betraying me. It was that simple. We need to be smarter, and use our anger on the one who cheats on us, instead of the OW/AP. If the cheater does end up with them, it won’t be long before he cheats on them, too.
Never again will I be so trusting. I like that Trust, But Verify.

beentheredonethat
beentheredonethat
9 years ago

I got an email from the OW’s boyfriend that lived in other state (and yes she was also married) to tell me that not only was my XH cheating with his girlfriend but my XH was sending messages to his best friends wife talking abut birthday spankings he wanted to give her. Really, I can’t make this shit up..

Nord
Nord
9 years ago

If I’m honest I probably would have asked the ex, he would have gaslighted me and I would probably have bought it. If it happened now, after all that I learned about ex’s double life? I’d walk, fast. But then my tolerance levels are extremely low these days.

Hopeful Cynic
Hopeful Cynic
9 years ago
Reply to  Nord

I would have been the same. Unless I was provided with photographic evidence of cheating, or a timeline of witnessed events that corresponded to what I knew of my ex’s whereabouts, I would have laughed, told my ex, and been completely gaslighted and manipulated. I was a rose-coloured-glases-wearing innocent. I even laughed at my ex once when he told me HIMSELF that I should not trust him, dismissed the entire notion and went on blindly trusting him. That was when a mutual friend of ours told him that he was treading on dangerous ground (never realizing that he had already PLOWED the ground), but decided that was sufficient and didn’t tell me.

Much Better Off Now
Much Better Off Now
9 years ago

Reading this was like a kick in the gut for me. I, too, got a letter (email) about my ex. Not from an OW, but someone who cared enough to tell me what was going on behind my back.Turns out, my ex was sleeping around behind my back; I was clueless. After I got the letter, I confronted him, he denied everything, saying they were “just friends”. I snooped after the confrontation- should have done that first. A month later, the OW herself emailed me, taunting me about everything she knew. I never spoke to her. We tried counseling, but while in counseling, I got an email from the OW’s bf. He forwarded me her phone records- she and my ex never stopped talking. That was it for me. Well, that and the fact there were two more OW (3 total).

So, he hooked up with 1 of the OW and they have a son together, but, not surprisingly, he still cheats. I reached out to her (anonymously b/c I’m still close with some of his family) and told her he was cheating. I answered all her questions and gave her proof. I heard that blew up his world for awhile, but he’s a great liar and they’re still together. She blocked me on FB and pretends about their wonderful life together.

Well, you can make them see the truth, but you can’t make them leave. I figure that I gave her more than I needed to- what she did with the information was up to her.

This letter seems like the real deal. The letter writer knows details that a random weirdo/ stalker wouldn’t know. If the wife really wanted to know, she’d look into it. But likely she feels that ignorance is bliss.

Lyn
Lyn
9 years ago

I got a strange call from a man asking if I knew where my ex was when the kids were little. When I told him, thinking he was a colleague, the man said, “No, he’s in “another city name.” I felt alarmed and asked who he was, but he just hung up. My ex had an explanation for it that sounded somewhat suspicious, but I wanted to believe him. We changed our number and had it unlisted. Now I think that call was real and I wish the man would have given me more details. There wasn’t enough to go on to actually follow up.

TimeToGo
TimeToGo
9 years ago

I never got a letter, but got a phone call after I knew. I had already had my D-day after finding a receipt for jewelry and finding her name through cell records and her FB page. I emailed hubby one of her fat photos from her FB page with the tag line “hope she is worth it” He swore it was just friendship, then just an emotional affair, then just a kiss. He still swears it was just a kiss. We reconciled, I found a counselor and he swore he broke it off. One morning at 5 am as I was packing pb and j’s for my 2 boys lunches I got a 5 a.m. phone call from a gas station payphone. She was pissed obviously and started telling me I was a loser, he was a loser along with graphic sexual details and places that they went, how he said I was a nagging B etc. 2 years later I still don’t know what to believe. We are separated but I still try to convince myself they never had sex. I wish I knew the whole truth, but probably never will.

Tempest
Tempest
9 years ago
Reply to  TimeToGo

Yeah, mine claimed it was only “kisses,” too. Complete hogwash. What adult relationship that lasts for months does NOT have sex?

Chumpalicious
Chumpalicious
9 years ago
Reply to  TimeToGo

Now why would an OW get pissed if it was just an emotional affair? She was using sex to get your man, and he was using her for sex right back. She feels used and disappointed to the point of being enraged.

Absolutely they had sex. There exist no chaste love affairs. Hell, even Father Ralph nailed Meggie.

TimeHeals
TimeHeals
9 years ago
Reply to  TimeToGo

Not likely that they didn’t have sex. You now that.

TimeHeals
TimeHeals
9 years ago

In a misguided attempt at both humor and testing whether or not I can embed youtube videos here, I will now attempt to dedicate a song to an earlier incarnation of myself that thought snooping was just something you must never, ever do:
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nauLgZISozs?feature=player_detailpage&w=320&h=180%5D

TimeHeals
TimeHeals
9 years ago
Reply to  TimeHeals

Oh well. Gadzooks!

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
9 years ago
Reply to  TimeHeals

hahahha, oh lordy TimeHeals, how the hell did you end up with the Wizard of Oz scarecrow scene?

Chumpalicious
Chumpalicious
9 years ago

I’ve read enough here to conclude that anonymous tips, hints and accusations are really not the way to go. I would have spackled and inhaled the gas too, most likely. I had a lot of suspicions that got blown off and I eventually repressed them so as not to rock the boat. Young kids, you know.

In this day and age of mega pixel camera phones and computer pads, if I was going to bust someone, that’s how I’d do it. Send photos.

kb
kb
9 years ago

I am not sure.

I spackled over a red flag that raised its head about 2 years before this affair. Make that two red flags. The first was well before Schmoopie was in the picture, or even hired at his workplace. The second was likewise before Schmoopie was reasonably in the picture.

I have since concluded that Schmoopie may not be the first. I think she’s the longest, but possibly not the first. Every once in a while, I wonder who he was banging at work, but then decide that it’s not worth the effort.

But a letter would have been too much for me to ignore. I’d have been shocked, then devastated, but I think that the truth is better in the long run.

trying2fly
trying2fly
9 years ago

THIS!!

kendoll
kendoll
9 years ago

It sounds like it was written by an OW who has recently been dumped in favour of another OW.

Part of me would love to have received a letter like this, but my ex would’ve just denied it all and accused me of being crazy. It wouldn’t have done me much good to have anonymous confirmation.

I agree that it’s much better to do this sort of thing face-to-face, if possible.

A
A
9 years ago

I actually was unknowingly the OW… The sociopath found me when I was 16 and he lied about his age (said he was 20 but he was 23), lied about being married and having twins.. He lied to me for the 18 years I knew him ( but I was not involved with him the whole time.. We were friends).. I saw him a total of three times since Jan to get my car fixed and his wife called me in May. She was acting crazy, saying she was going to call the police. I was in shock and downplayed the extent of my involvement because I did not know how unstable she was… I told her enough but I felt guilty for not telling her the truth. I maintained NC.. Just told his wife I wanted my property back from him and she said that was ok… But he never picked up and hung up on me so I cussed him via text and moved on my way. As I investigated I found out he was involved in another affair and illegal activity.. My guilt combined with needing justice for his violating me as a kid took over and I messaged her the truth and to explain why I believe he has a personality disorder. Of course, she did not believe it because he picked the perfect victim. I didn’t identify myself because I did not knowingly choose to be the other woman and do not want to be dragged into their mess, considering his wife greatness to call the police on me… Anyhow this is just my story… I’ve actually moved on and I’m happy.. Although still occasionally shocked I knew someone who was such a piece of ish! I did think about pressing charges but instead I reported him anonymously to the police. Karma does come back!

Annie
Annie
9 years ago

A woman I barely know, a friend of a friend, saw my husband having a cozy lunch with another woman and she immediately told me–thank God. Lots of people knew, his friends, his brother and sister, the guys at work, but no one spoke up. When I approached some of them after they uniformly said they didn’t want to cause trouble. No, much better to let me be made a fool of. I am done with the lot of them.

It Is What It Is
It Is What It Is
9 years ago

I DID receive a letter from the OW. My EX and I were in “reconciliation” for over a year. I was still trying to heal from his serial infidelities (swingers clubs, escorts, online hookups, dating sites, an extensive double life and a current affair partner he told me he was “in love” with). I had invested 25 years and 4 children in the relationship. Also being a chump, I was very forgiving and wanted my intact family. The whole year after we got back together, my gut was telling me he was still cheating and seeing his final affair partner. When I would talk to him about it he would tell me I was crazy, he even told me she had gotten married and moved away. He was gaslighting me at every turn.

So when I received the following letter to me arrived in the mail, my first feeling was relief, I wasn’t crazy.
(names changed)
____________________________________________________________________________________
Dear It Is What It Is,

I met Randy on Match.com…a single’s dating online service in 2007…he told you we met at the hospital…not true. He stated he was single…I didn’t know he was married at first. We were together over a year.

He went back for the kids in 2008 that fall. Was at my house that night before he moved home…I did hope he would be a good husband to you…and a more involved father…

He stayed away at first, but kept in contact…a Valentine gift…text messages…watched me from a far. Then in 2009 Fall I saw him on Match.com again…it made me angry to see that…and I confronted him about it…said he was looking for me…then we started getting closer again…especially in Jan…probably a few hundred text messages. He came to my house on Sat. Jan. 30th…

Seeing him again was emotional…we talked, cried and kissed…and just held each other…

Randy takes care of Randy…he talked about his faith…and I realized so clearly this was not a honest man…especially to God…his actions said everything……his whole life he has been dishonest…he just speaks the words…

You have been so in the dark, and hurt so much…so with this information as you wish….I have protected Randy’s lies, and protected him far too long….I have been far too kind to him….

Take care of yourself in everyway….

Sincerely,

Other Woman
__________________________________________________________________________________

I took the letter immediately to Kinkos and made copies. I gave copies to my best friend and called my lawyer from her house. I confronted him with the letter the next day. He told me I was just looking at it wrong, he finally got closure with her. I finally filed for divorce the next day. Without the letter I probably would still be with my EX being gaslighted and feeling miserable. She sent me my ticket to freedom.

Months after I filed and it was clear to my EX that I would not be reeled back in, he reeled her back in and married her right after the divorce was final. I hope they have all the happiness they deserve. She certainly knows what she “won”, a cheating, lying husband.

Danabern7
Danabern7
9 years ago

The secretary at my STBXH’s union hall took me aside and said “you need to get a hook on him.” I must have looked stunned and didn’t say anything.Months later I found out he was having an affair ,while working on a job out of town,as I checked phone records.I didn’t forgive or forget,but with 2 young kids I decided to stay only to find out he’s a serial cheater. No one has told me except one nice neighbor said in front of my husband”you wouldn’t be playing golf here with other women would you?”I asked other neighbors who I’m sure know ,as they walk their dogs there,but they denied it.there is nothing worse than this mind fuck shit sandwich cheaters give you when they,lie,blameshift and make you feel you’re going crazy.i am greatful to those two brave people who told me.to me they are heroes.only these people at Chump nation and Tracy know what we go through.if you did you would find a way to tell.there is nothing worse than not knowing.i know a lot of you chumps were left by their cheater,but it’s terrible to have to live with a cake eater too cowardly to just leave.

Danabern7
Danabern7
9 years ago
Reply to  Danabern7

Thanks Tracy for the picture you gave me. It looks just like me. Cute,purple,confused,cute,very cute indeed!

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
9 years ago
Reply to  Danabern7

Hate to burst your bubble Danaber7 but that’s a random avatar, :). I have posted on the forums how to change your pic if you want to cos one of our chumps got a poo pic, heh.

Danabern7
Danabern7
9 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

I figured it was random,but it was great with me! By the way,datamwolf I appreciate your comments in past blogs.seems like you’re a nice,smart person.

Free at Last
Free at Last
9 years ago

I got a TEXT, not a letter, from a woman claiming she was a mom from my daughter’s soccer team. She told me my husband was running around with her coworker, and then gave me the contact info to reach out to the OW. I called the cell number I was given and had a long talk with a woman who has been having an affair with my husband for a year, is his much younger “soul mate” and even had sex in my bed while I was away! She says they will be together for the long term, that she had left her husband AND child to be close to him, and was glad she could finally talk to me. He was seeking counseling so he “didn’t do to her what he had done to me.” Wow! She is welcome to him and his ridiculous lies.
Confronted my STBX, and he confessed.
Fast forward to see all the typical cheater moves:
1) The initial text was actually a set up from the OW- not a soccer mom at all. She had grown impatient.
2) My husband actually gave her my cell number.
3) He claims he is bothered by the fake text, but is still with her today (figures). She is really a “good person.”

LovedAJackass
LovedAJackass
9 years ago
Reply to  Free at Last

I think a lot of letters from APs are probably intended to cause the marriage to rupture–even the ones sent in “revenge” if the AP has been dumped. At the minimum, most of these letters cause a huge D-Day confrontation. And even if the Cheater is angry about the letter, the AP may be the only source of cake if the Chump walks away.

bronsonjmJM
bronsonjmJM
9 years ago

I never got a letter (or a hint) and of course several people knew. “What the hell is going on around here” is an appropriate response by the Chump to her husband, the affair partner, or the tattletale (God love ’em, they’re screwed up too). Then SHUT UP. Let them answer you. You have a RIGHT to know what’s been going on in your own life. Ask. But keep your questions short, your tone serious, and let the liars lie, confess, or ignore you. This isn’t going to go away. I agree with everything CL has said about safety and going NC if necessary. Just demand answers that you’re entitled to. No, we’re not “entitled” to lots in life but answers about our own lives, everyone deserves.

hurting mom
hurting mom
9 years ago

I got a call from someone (turns out it was a former lover) warning me that my STBXH was bad news. She might have said that he cheated on her; I don’t remember. I thought she was a crazy, jilted lover. Fast forward a few years…
I got an anonymous letter at my workplace saying that he was having an affair with a coworker. I was 5 months pregnant at the time. We actually all went out to dinner (myself, husband and OW, also our toddler) to clear the air! D-day #1 was about a year later. Fast forward 8 years…he dropped D-day #2 on me 7 months ago and we are now divorcing.
Yes, I am a little slow on the uptake. If you look up the word “gullible” in the dictionary, you will see my picture. My STBXH is a POS, serial cheater.

fishfast41
fishfast41
9 years ago

For me,it’s real damn simple. If I ever know of anyone cheating on anyone,I will immediately contact the chump and tell all I know. I will also identify myself and tell exactly how I know about it. Being chumped is bad enough,having others know and keep their mouths shut,allowing you to continue being chumped,is worse. After what I have been through,I will do whatever I can to help those in the same position.

Danabern7
Danabern7
9 years ago
Reply to  fishfast41

Yes,that’s it. And no one knows unless they’ve been through it.all of these shows on tv and movies act like it’s some great fling to screw your partner.the young girl from the movie “Gone Girl” said on one of those shows,I forget which one, that she doesn’t like the word ” mistress”!,but prefers”girlfriend”.wtf?that’s why I love this sight.thank you Tracy and chump nation!

Raging
Raging
9 years ago
Reply to  Danabern7

I don’t like mistress either, I prefer tramp, whore or slutt…

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
9 years ago

I wish I could say I know exactly what I’d do with that letter but given my history and the fact that my subconscious was absolutely screaming at me that there was something wrong and I ignored it, I would probably do the same with a letter but file it away for future knowledge. The truth is that I don’t think everyone is ready to face this kind of truth at the same rate. I wasn’t ready to listen to what my subconscious was trying to tell me, until I was actually ready.

I think this reader isn’t quite ready to face the truth but the fact she reached out to CL probably means that there is a shred of doubt. Eventually that doubt will scream loud enough for her to hear it and hopefully it doesn’t take too long.