≡ Menu

Write a Dating Profile for Your Ex

douchebaagAfter Eddie’s letter yesterday, (the poor guy who got a DDay 49 days into his marriage), I thought, God that woman sounds like such a bottom feeder…. she’d be perfect for my ex. I wish I could fix them up.

I realize that probably wouldn’t work, because cheaters choose chumps. We’re better kibbles. (Fellow narcissists don’t make for very good kibbles.) Getting two wing nuts together is like two negatively charged magnets that repel each other.

But fellow narcissists do tend to make good affair partners, seeing as they both exist in the fantasy realm. When two narcs find soulmate schmoopie bliss together, not a lot of dishes get washed, or kids enrolled in summer camp, or lawns mowed. Which is why it’s perfect karma to let cheaters have each other — they will suck each other dry for a limited kibble supply. Which in turn inevitably leads to kibble exploration elsewhere. You can’t cheat a cheater, of course, but they act truly outraged when it happens.

Anywho — it occurred to me that we could all write dating profiles for our exes. Might be therapeutic. Heck, you might have stumbled across a few actual profiles already. I did (while married to him). In addition to his litany of qualities that he does not possess (honesty, faithfulness, romance), he bragged that he knew how to solve Schrodinger’s equation. (Oh, way to win the ladies…) I sent the profile off to his OW, who apparently wasn’t very happy to receive it.

So — sort of like our infidelity Valentine’s contest — write me a dating profile. But make it clever! Profiles just full of invective aren’t very interesting. You need telling details such as “I like to come home from a long day of work and hang my trousers on the nearest chair. I relax best in my underwear.” You know, true annoying details about them to which they are oblivious. (Narcs assume always that they are just splendid).

It’s not very meh, but who knows — maybe we could fix a few of these lovebirds up? So what if you heard yours got remarried. Hasn’t stopped them yet.

Here’s my submission:

Age: Old enough to act superior to you, but without all that annoying responsible adult behavior.

Height: As wide as I am tall.

Income: Enough about me — how much do YOU make? Any savings bonds? Trust funds? Wealthy relatives that might kick off?

Interests: Buying shit for hobbies I never have time to pursue. I’m more of a collector. Of women. LOL. No, really I’m a macho dude with a lot of interests. Hoarding is such an ugly word. I “collect” motorcycles, kayaks, canoes, cameras, computers, guns, knives, bows, arrows, hiking boots, expensive socks, burr coffee grinders, gortex rain gear, 1000 thread count sheets, and the occasional beanie baby. (Okay, I didn’t buy that, it was a gift from one of my mistresses.)

I’m a dynamic guy. I have three advanced degrees in subjects far too technical for a mere liberal arts major such as you to understand. But I like you arty chicks. The bra-lessness, the way you wear those toe rings and embroidered dresses. Like you’re all ready to sign up for Peace Corps. I just can just smell the idealism (“Tell me about your time in Sudan… no really!”), it’s a total turn on. You can afford to work at a non-profit because you’ve got some family money, don’t you?

I don’t like art galleries and shit, but I’ll go and pretend like I do, especially if we can go to Saks afterwards and look at Phillip Patek watches. Hey, I looked at your dumb art — do this for me. Might give you ideas of the sort of thing I’d like for Christmas. I once had this mean, horrible ex wife who gave me a grill brush once for my birthday — and I can see that you are the kind of discerning woman with a refined sensibility who would NEVER buy a grill brush for a man she loved.

What I’m looking for: Big boobs. Big hair. Dumb, trusting smile. Generosity. Gullibility. Instant family (you have a kid? I LOVE KIDS.) 10-20 years younger than me. If you just want to be fuckbuddies, I’m not particular. But to achieve gold Wife Status, you need to be the total package — younger, dumber, and monied.

Contact: I’ll call you. My number changes sometimes. It’s complicated.  But I love you. Just the idea of you. Actual you may enrage me, but that’s later. I’ll be in touch. In fact, you might have a hard time shaking me. Stalking is an ugly word. I’m a collector….

{ 212 comments… add one }

  • DuckLinerUpper June 11, 2013, 3:30 pm

    “Stalking is an ugly word. I’m a *collector*….”

    Ha!!! lol!

  • Nord June 11, 2013, 3:37 pm

    Don’t make me google Schrodingar’s Equation. Heh.

    Ok, I’ll give it a go:

    Age: 40+ but I think ‘young’.

    Height: Tall, but I stoop from carrying the weight of my world.

    Income: I make plenty but my bitch ex-wife, who gave up her career for me, has bled me dry in the divorce.

    Interests: Me: my television shows, me, that bike I’m going to build one day, me, my penis, me, anyone who thinks I’m fabulous. Don’t apply if you’ll question me or me. But I’ll pretend to be into what you like while I*m luring you in. When I’m finished with you every single thing you’re interested in will become like kryptonite to me.

    What I*m looking for: someone who realises the fabulousness of me and gives me 150% of their attention. If it’s not all about me and my needs and my worries and my life then don’t bother applying. I might feign interest in you for a bit but really, you need to be into me and my fabulousness.

    Contact: I like texting or online messaging. Then I get to use the same pat phrases over and over again and you’ll never know the difference, you dumb bitch.

    I love women, by the way, really. They make me feel so good about me. As long as they don’t question…me.

  • river June 11, 2013, 3:37 pm

    Age: People tell me all the time I look like I’m in my 30s. Don’t you think I look like I’m in my 30s? Not that I give a crap, but seriously, don’t you think I can pass for 32?

    Height: Let’s just say that I’d better be taller than you. And if we are close in height, NO HEELS FOR YOU! Makes me feel very insecure.

    Income: I don’t care about money. Such vulgar concerns are beneath me. I am very high-minded. My granola is more locally-sourced than yours, but that is only because I made it myself from bark and twigs that I grew in my community garden plot. No one can say that I am not virtuous. I have the bumper stickers to prove otherwise!

    Interests: Well, to be honest, my main interest is alcohol. But don’t let that worry you. You will never even know that I am drinking. I have perfected my technique at slipping away at all hours to “deal with a customer issue” or “bid an emergency job.” If I am acting strange (tired, slurred speech), it is because I am so stressed out from working so hard to support you! I have my own business, you see, so I am never without a plausible excuse for any behavior.

    What I’m looking for: The main thing is that you WORSHIP me. You can be a tattooed rock-n-roll chick, or a chubby foodie, or a total plain Jane. Just keep the admiration coming. And if you are somehow connected to my industry and can benefit my business in any way, that would totally seal the deal.

    Contact: my secretary, but don’t give her a lot of details. I’ve got her just where I want her, and don’t need for her to think that I am off of the market.

    • Kay H June 11, 2013, 3:44 pm

      Granola…. I snorted over that. Hysterical.

    • Chump Lady June 11, 2013, 3:50 pm

      Ooh. I think I’m one of those locally source granola people. (How insufferable.)

      Love “just keep the admiration coming.” Also wonder if he doesn’t boff the secretary.

      • river June 11, 2013, 4:03 pm

        Yeah, I’m fairly crunchy myself. Just goes to show how NPDs are found in all walks of life!

  • Kay H June 11, 2013, 3:41 pm

    Age: Physically I’m 39, but emotionally & mentally, well….how old are you?

    Height: My license says 5′ 8″ but I had my thick soled shoes on that day. I project a much taller image in my military uniform. Did I mention I’m in the military?

    Income: I’ll tell you later. Did I mention I’m in the military?

    Interests: I used to enjoy golf but that’s such a grown up sport. I switched over to paintball. There’s nothing like the rush of running around with a bunch of other like minded boys yelling at your buddies to take cover while an orange pellet hurdles towards your nether regions. Man, that smarts! I’ve been collecting military action figures for a few years. (My ex called them man barbies, she just doesn’t understand the intricacy of putting on all their little outfits and guns.) It’s an investment in my future. I’m sure I can fund my retirement by selling them all off. Who doesn’t want a paratrooper from WW II in perfect 1/4 scale?

    What I’m looking for: Someone who appreciates a military man. And someone who won’t mind seeing me only one day a week. My duty calls me the other six days. If you have your own Barbie collection, that would be a plus. I could borrow your tweezers to put those teeny tiny gloves on my fifth generation Nazi Stormtrooper.

    Contact: I’m classified, top secret clearance, so I can’t give you my phone number but I will certainly call and text you, usually in the middle of the night.

    • Chump Lady June 11, 2013, 3:49 pm

      He has military ACTION FIGURES? That is soOooooooooOooo creepy. Especially the tweezer bit. Awesome telling detail. And — ewwww!

      • Kay H June 11, 2013, 4:07 pm

        He had a whole case of them. More than twenty. And I still have a few that he forgot. They are only heads, torsos, hands. Apparently he was building his own Military Frankenbarbie, using perfect pieces from each doll. Oops, I called them dolls! That is forbidden. They ARE NOT DOLLS. My bad.

        • nomar June 11, 2013, 4:29 pm

          “Frankenbarbie.” Great punk rock band name, IMO.

          • Nord June 12, 2013, 1:17 am

            Hahaha….you are so right! I would go see that band based on the name alone.

        • Chump Lady June 11, 2013, 4:52 pm

          Gee, he has a whole regiment of perfect little creatures he can control at his will.

          I wouldn’t read anything into that.

        • Suzanne June 11, 2013, 11:00 pm

          OMG, Kay — I’ve been having a really tough week and this comment made me bust out laughing. Thanks!

  • Brinn June 11, 2013, 3:55 pm

    Age: Much younger than my dapper gray and growing bald spot would lead you to believe.

    Ht: 5’10 1/2″ on a very good day with the wind trajectory going north and if Jupiter is aligned with Mars.

    Income: I would have more if that shrew of an Ex Wife I had weren’t so adamant about spousal and child support. I mean really… she screeches at me for being just a paltry 6 months behind.

    Interests: I like taking long walks along the beach and looking at my reflection in the ocean. Similarly, I like to take long walks by mountain lakes and looking at my reflection. I like to collect Craftsman tools by the hundreds and look at my reflection in the polished chrome. I like to work out in the gym in front of the mirror and look at my reflection. But what I really enjoy doing is going shopping and finding my reflection in any reflective surface I come across.

    I am good looking, intelligent, good looking, funny, good looking, compassionate, good looking, sensitive, good looking, a listener and good looking. Oh yes, and I am also very humble.

    I don’t like woman’s work such as house cleaning, cooking, caring for children, grocery shopping, loading or unloading the dishwasher, or laundry. But I do like to be fed homemade three course meals nightly, have my bed turned down, my back shaved, my underwear rotated in their drawer, and be given bj’s everyday and twice on Sunday.

    What I am looking for: BIG BOOBS, Someone shorter than I am, Someone who doesn’t read the Wall Street Journal or USAToday, Someone who doesn’t look at my iphone-email-laptop, Someone who will believe everything that I say and never ask questions. If this is you and you make more than $100K a year, I AM YOURS!!!!

    • Patty June 11, 2013, 6:45 pm

      Oh, my face hurts from laughing!!!
      He really was a catch, how could you eff up and let him get away??

    • Chump Lady June 11, 2013, 7:02 pm

      Awesomeness.

      Mine also wanted his back shaved. Where is that in the job description?!

      • Nord June 12, 2013, 1:20 am

        What is the thing with the hair? My ex hated that he was getting hairier and hairier as he aged. I saw it as a big ‘who cares’. We all change physically as we age and it was honestly not a big deal, any more than I thought that me getting older and gaining some hard-earned wrinkles was a big deal (how wrong I was).

        • DuckLinerUpper June 12, 2013, 12:57 pm

          I saw my STBX’s extra hair (and other such things) as a big “who cares” also, UNTIL it became apparent he was cheating on me. All of a sudden, his hair and other things became gross, intolerable things that made me cringe.

          • Nord June 12, 2013, 1:47 pm

            Well, yes, there is that. :) I still don’t care about the hair…but I’m happy to be rid of the power farting.

            • Hope49 June 12, 2013, 10:37 pm

              Yes, I do NOT miss my STBX’s power farting either! It was fine for HIM and my son to do this. I then told my daughter never to apologize for burping- told her to just “let it rip” when she felt like it. “Oh, but that is SO disgusting for you to encourage your daughter to burp”, he told me. “Well”, I told him “If you can fart when you and our son want to it is just SWELL if our little girl wants to burp or fart,” I told him. Now, our 14 year-old daughter won’t fart but she sure enjoys letting a burp rip in front of her Dad and brother. LOL!!

    • MovingOn June 11, 2013, 8:10 pm

      HA HA HA! I loved the reflection part!

    • Nord June 12, 2013, 1:19 am

      Damn, I was pretty excited when I saw the Big Boobs bit, thinking this guy was all mine, but then I read serious newspapers and I’m currently poor as a church mouse. Oh well, on to the next one to see if I can find my dream man.

  • Laurel June 11, 2013, 4:02 pm

    humble— YES!!! hahahahaha!!!

    this is all too, too hilarious for words!

  • Laurel June 11, 2013, 4:03 pm

    back shaved? eeeeewww… I don thin so!

  • Kay H June 11, 2013, 4:10 pm

    These are hilarious. I love this post CL. I am most definitely not to meh yet!

  • ColdTurkey June 11, 2013, 4:24 pm

    These are great! I can’t possibly be as entertaining, and I’m almost tempted to share with all of you the actual dating profile I discovered after I found my husband’s secret credit card and checked his spending. A charge to an online dating site? Hmm … it took me about a minute to find his profile. And to make things even worse, the photo he used was the same exact one posted outside his faculty office door. I was amazed how many other faculty members I know were listing themselves on the same exact website. What a jerk! Way to keep a low profile professionally, you dope!

    • another Erica June 11, 2013, 10:58 pm

      dumb-ass. I guess I at least thought the married ones wouldn’t post a pic for that reason!

  • JamesR June 11, 2013, 4:40 pm

    Age: It doesn’t matter, because YOU are going to be way older than me. Old guys have more money to spend on me. You DO have a lot of money, right??
    Height: Who cares? Look at how much taller these gaudy coach cowboy boots make me look! No they don’t look like hooves, I’m just big boned!
    Income: You seriously aren’t expecting me to WORK, are you? Oh, I’m glad you were just joking about a full time job. I’ll “win” enough income from the Casino anyway! I get a negligible amount of Child Support from my deadbeat ex-husband, but that barely lasts a day at the casino, so I won’t even mention it here.
    Interests: When I’m not “working” at the Casino, I like to relax at the Casino, or maybe you can take me to the Caribbean? Of course first class is one of my interests! The seats in coach are too constricting—I’m big boned. I also love everything about FOOD—as long as you are buying it from a very expensive restaurant. Of course, something is ALWAYS wrong with my order….damn working class can never get anything right! Don’t worry though, I will take care of any problems myself, I’ve developed a very successful way of creating a scene so I get what I want.
    What I’m looking for: You DO have money, right? I enjoy your money. Oh, and you can still chew your own food? Bonus! Otherwise, we might have to look into a “home” for you soon.
    Contact: Let me give you my cell number so I can text you while I sit in a restaurant next to my husband and kids, making a loud embarrassing scene because my hot wings are too “slimy”.

    • another Erica June 11, 2013, 10:59 pm

      lol!

  • mag June 11, 2013, 4:42 pm

    age: 46, but really who gives a shit about my real age? I look 30s. Early 30’s that is!
    My hair transplant did not work out as well as I hoped for and my bitchy ex kept yapping about £3000 spent for nothing. 4 years later I am bolder than b4 the transplant but I still look 30’s. EARLY THIRTIES!

    height: 178 cm, but I always push it to 180, did I mention that I have a great body. I train 7 days a week. Not much in my brain, but my body… OH, man!!!!

    Income: 200 euros of unemployment benefit. The truth is however, I am on my way to make millions in my 5th MLM company. Yeah, I am going to lead and inspire thousand of lost souls towards financial and spiritual freedom. I still cannot pay for my food and housing so I am leeching of my new bitch. Once I bleed her dry, will move on…

    Interests: Mirrors, I love mirrors. I love mirrors and my image in them. I actually love my image but won’t say so directly. Oh, I love my body and myself. My body is great and I am great. I also listen to self help tapes/read books 4 hours a day, but I am so fucked up that no bestselling author can help me. Not that I really need any help.

    • nomar June 11, 2013, 5:05 pm

      “Interests: Mirrors”

      LOL. Don’t parrots love mirrors? I think you were married to a parrot.

      • Chump Lady June 11, 2013, 5:13 pm

        I think you’re thinking of turkeys. They love mirrors.

        • Brinn June 12, 2013, 7:39 am

          if that turkey wants his back shaved then I think you found Stbx’s twin.

  • mag June 11, 2013, 4:45 pm

    missed the last bit:

    what I am looking for: good looking, big boobs ( the current one has two gorgeous silicon balloons, way too large for her body), as stupid and twisted as me.
    She needs to be good looking as I am good looking so I need a good looking woman by my side. Uglies, fatties, no way. Fat women make me sick ( these are his actual words!!!!)

    • Chump Lady June 11, 2013, 4:51 pm

      Oh well thank goodness. I’m sure all the fat women of the world were waiting with baited breath for the awesomeness that is him. On the dole.

  • bev June 11, 2013, 5:13 pm

    Age: I don’t do profiles because I will never keep you long enough for it to matter.

    Height : See above

    Income: see above ( you absolutely will NOT be getting any of my money).

    Interests: Boobs and Blow jobs. No fat chicks unless I am extremely drunk. I have NO interest in chit chat unless you would like to tell me how wonderful I am and how big my penis is.

    Contact: I will only take your number because it makes me feel good to collect all my fuck buddy numbers. I will absolutely never call you.

  • Datdamwuf June 11, 2013, 5:53 pm

    OMG, you all rock, I’m cracking up here, I’ll try to post one when I get on the PC and have a few drinks :)

  • Nadine June 11, 2013, 6:12 pm

    This was sooooo therapeutic:

    Age: 47 but I look 10 yrs older because the stress of my law enforcement career has aged me. Nothing my Grecian Formula can’t hide/fix/spackle.
    Height: 5’8.7773″… about an inch shorter than my high school sweetheart whom I effed over after 30 years together (20 yrs married). You know I was taller than her when started dating as 15yr olds. Speaking of high school, I was pretty bad ass. Ahhh glory days.
    Income: Well, being in law enforcement, my base salary is just ok, but my stripper whore girlfriend of 4 years enjoyed the overtime pay which was double my salary+. Loved being the BIG MAN and lavishing hundreds of thousands of dollars on her. I take care of my women, all right. My wife and kids had a roof over their heads (leaking, but hey…) and no air conditioning (temps here seldom get in the 100s well… except for about a month in the summer) but AC broke and I really couldn’t afford to fix it AND pay ALL of my my stripper whore’s bills and cater to her every whim. By the way… I just pay the minimums on all the credit cards I took out for her. My wife was ok with this because, well, she thought we had no credit cards, so no harm, no foul. Transparency, shmansparency…
    Interests: My career, tv, video games, internet porn, strippers, bullying, being a pompous ass… oh and my wife… I have figured out I was just in a dark place for those 4 years. Really. I think I’m going to take down this dating profile because I want my wife and family back… ok?????… unless, of course…
    Contact: Really. I want my wife back but, if you need someone to talk to, give me a call, or send an email to the account my wife doesn’t know about.

    • Violet June 11, 2013, 6:47 pm

      I wish I had thought of your “Contact” info for my ad. That is perfect.

  • TimeHeals June 11, 2013, 6:15 pm

    Age: Mid-40s but desperately seeking to reconnect with my late teens/early 20s.

    Height: Avg

    Income: Jobs are hard to keep. People are mean. I like animals. Maybe someday I will work with animals. I had my husbands get us animals in both my previous marriages because I liked them so much. We had two dogs in my last marriage, and I miss them a lot because I love animals. I don’t like walking them or buying food for them or cleaning up after them or their shedding, but I love animals, unless they don’t act happy to see me.

    Interests: I am a very spiritual person. It’s because I am an empath, so I am more sensitive than everybody else, and sometimes I have dreams that come true, and sometimes I see synchronicities everywhere. Like the other day I was wanting a cherry coke, and then I saw a bus with a Cherry Coke add on its side, and then when I was at the store, they had cherries on sale. I like dragon flies and peacocks too. Peacocks are animals. I like animals. I love butterflies.

    My first husband had a dream that a bear ate me. I don’t like bears. I like animals.

    I am a butterfly.

    I keep my appearance immaculate in my own opinion, and everybody else doesn’t. I marvel at my own probably over-estimates of my own appearance and grooming habits.

    I think I’ll write a book some day. I have talked about that for years, and I have yet to write a page, but it’s on my list along with painting. I tried painting once for 45 minutes, but I think that might be a lot of work to learn, so I put it back on my list.

    I am phobic about heights and roller-coasters. I don’t like heights. One time my step-dad rocked a rope bridge at Lookout Mountain. I don’t like flying. My last husband talked me into flying. He is an asshole.

    What I am looking for: I am looking for that feeling I had when my first boyfriend and I dated. I cheated on him, and we broke up. But then he married somebody else who already had a daughter, and then I started seeing him again, and that girl’s mom didn’t wash her hair! She had no class at all.

    Contact: Call my cell because I am living with my parents again (in between marriages), and so is my 32 year old brother who is a career criminal with a shaved head and tatoos covering his whole body.

    • Chump Lady June 11, 2013, 6:56 pm

      “I am a butterfly.” Snort!!!

    • Brinn June 12, 2013, 7:45 am

      hahahahahahahaahaha…. “Because I am an Empath” hahahahahaha too damn funny

      • TimeHeals June 12, 2013, 11:32 am

        LOL, all true. A butterfly terrified of flying and an empath with no real empathy.

        Her rapidly blooming psychic abilities were on full display when she threw herself at a guy she met on facebook (old boyfriend) who promptly told her to get lost.

        Oh, and she told me, “I had a dread that you married a small asian woman”. So there you have it. Empath, butterfly, fortune teller.

        • TimeHeals June 12, 2013, 11:33 am

          dream–not dread–sorry–freudian slip on my part (I dread thinking about her darned dreams which she wanted to talk about for hours on end the crazier she got).

        • mag June 13, 2013, 3:52 am

          ” Empath, butterfly, fortune teller”

          she sounds like a full package!!!

  • Baci June 11, 2013, 6:21 pm

    Age: I’m 45 but you need to be at least 10-12 years older

    Physical: I’m petit ( as long as I keep running) but you can be tall and handsome

    Career: you must be a CEO of a large company. I need the status of you career, access to your expense account. I will be your trophy wife and look sensational for dealer conferences etc. I promise I’ll learn swedish and be familiar woth chainsaws and ride on mowers. I now really love gardening

    Hobbies: I love to run and compete in marathons. I usually take my lover to overseas vents like New York , Rome, and London. If you receive an anonymous letter that is in fact what I’m doing its bullshit. My fellow training partners get so jealous so they undermine me.
    I normally travel with other runner girlfriends but when they find out I’ve taken my lover they desert me- don’t know why yet. They think I’m a narcissist! How dare they think that.
    Apart from that I like fine dining ( on your expense account) , and just been a home body.

    Children: I have two wonderful boys that I each have stay two nights a week but not in weekends because its such a nuisance and takes up valuable time that you have being a busy CEO. You can have children but it better they live overseas ( like in New Zealand ) so that they don’t interfere with our ideal if life.

    Exes: although I have an absolute arsehole of an ex husband who doesn’t move on and accept my new relationship your ex must be well behaved and not interfere with our lives. You must only communicate with her via email otherwise I will become jealous.

    Infidelity: I used to cheat but I don’t anymore. Apparently it’s so destructive and causes so much heartache in families and friends but I haven’t experienced it. I just tell everyone to move on! If you have cheated I know you will never cheat when you are on business trips because DARLING you are my future and I know you will NEVER find an incredible lover and soul mate anywhere ( not even in Sweden).

    Reading and Movies: I LOVE Eat Prey Love. From the moment I watched this movie I knew it was me. I watch it every three months. I love reading fantasy novels – it’s so ME!! You just keep reading Financial Reviews and Swedish for dummies!!!

    • TimeHeals June 11, 2013, 6:25 pm

      LOL :) My ex loved EPL too. The follow-up book,”Committed” , not so much :)

  • Violet June 11, 2013, 6:23 pm

    Wow, this was very cathartic! What a great idea, CL!

    the ad:

    About me:

    Physical: I keep myself in shape! I run every day, lift weights every other day, and keep meticulous records (with charts AND graphs) of my workouts, heart rate and calories. I prefer a mate/significant other who will not expect any attention and will take care of anything that needs to be done so I have 2 hours every day to do this.
    Income: I make a decent living, but I do not make nearly as much as I am worth. I have an MBA, and I am worth MUCH more than I am being paid.
    Interests: I spend a LOT of time online communicating with my many admirers. You could be one too! Many, many people look to me for Important Advice and hang on my Every Word, and I like to give Important Advice to those who recognize my Superior Intellect. I also really enjoy listening to myself talk. As I said, I am into my physical fitness. You can watch me work out if you want. I also like to pretend I am a young, cool, urban African American youth even though I am a middle aged suburban Jewish guy, so I enjoy practicing my rapping as well as practicing using current slang connected with this pursuit. I write songs that have the same basic rhythm pattern and chords with Hilariously Clever or Politically Scathing lyrics. I like shopping for clothes online. Did you know I single handedly started the guayabera shirt fashion trend several years ago? Nobody wore them until I did. Not Cubans, NOBODY.
    What I am looking for I am looking for a Special Pretty Lady who will make me look good by association when people see us together. I am looking for a woman who makes more money than I do and will allow me to play with her money in any way I see fit. I am Brilliant and I know Secrets About Stocks That Nobody Else Knows, I like loaning money to area small businesses that stroke my ego but never pay me back, and sometimes I do win with my secret sports betting. I am not looking for anyone who wants to see any records about any of these pursuits. I don’t have a great track record at any of these, but with your help, I can learn from my mistakes! I want a Special Lady who is OK with my Special Relationship with my secretary.

    • Laurel June 11, 2013, 7:15 pm

      MBA. classic like it matters?

      Master of Bullshit Assholes

    • river June 11, 2013, 8:05 pm

      ” I enjoy practicing my rapping”

      Oh Violet, I am so sorry.

      • MovingOn June 11, 2013, 8:18 pm

        Good grief. He seriously rapped? That is so pathetic!

    • Nord June 12, 2013, 1:30 am

      I so want to meet this guy!

    • Chump Lady June 12, 2013, 8:12 am

      We have him to thank for the Cuban shirt? I’m trying to imagine that look… and rapping.

      • Violet June 12, 2013, 2:05 pm

        He had it going on. No doubt about it.

  • Chumpalicious June 11, 2013, 6:37 pm

    I’m sorry I don’t have time for the full meal deal catharsis. I will just add the fine print “truth in advertising” disclaimer:

    I do have a couple of personal habits that you should find “quirky”. I love to eat strawberries in my recliner while watching TV and I always drop the hulls on the floor in a neat pile immediately to the right. I wear furry cushy socks that pill up a lot of lint that I pick out from between my toes in the bathroom and flick up on ,the wall. If you wait until they are dry to clean them up they won’t be slimy, but they may take some paint away when you pick them off. I have never personally experienced this because I’m out of the bathroom before the john flushes, the ex says my morning dump could choke a horse. I’ll leave it for you to fix for your turn, as I’m always first in the bathroom.

    • Chumpalicious June 11, 2013, 6:41 pm

      for visuals — I meant to say he picks his sock lint while in the bathtub

      Honest to God. It’s true.

    • Chumpalicious June 11, 2013, 8:36 pm

      and you won’t have to hold your nose when plunging the john because my shit don’t stink.

      • Stephanie June 12, 2013, 12:14 am

        *Gag!*

        Good riddance.

        • DuckLinerUpper June 12, 2013, 8:33 am

          That is so gross!

  • Suckerpunched June 11, 2013, 6:47 pm

    PLEASE tell me you have a publisher lined up by now! This stuff is GOLD.

  • Violet June 11, 2013, 6:50 pm

    These are all making me guffaw. This is GREAT.

  • Tamara June 11, 2013, 7:00 pm

    So.. I have the password to the X’s match.com account. I have actually read not only his profile, but what he writes to, sometimes, very young women. He is 59, the last women I saw he wrote to were in their late 20s and early 30s. He also wrote to a much older, very desperate woman who posted pictures of herself in a “wife beater” with no bra or bottoms, at all. Funnily enough, none of them answered, or in most case even read, his messages. I used to look at his account every time I was feeling sad and lonely. Made me remember what a scum bag he truly is. I haven’t looked in months, and most probably never will gain.

    Though I won’t go into the fantasy of what a “truth in advertising” profile would say, I will say he actually wrote to a 27 YO, silicone boobed, bleached blonde with horrendous make-up, sequined ball caps and some extra weight (which he always said he “could never go there”).

    …..”I look younger than I am. And handsome too! Let me take you to Ruth Chris’s for dinner.”

    to another one, (32) who he wrote to twice (she never even read his messages)… “wanna hook up! Give me a call”… followed by his number.

    You can all check him out if you have match….. funbobbylloyd. He’s in Nokomis Fl, or maybe Sarasota by now.

    • Chump Lady June 11, 2013, 7:10 pm

      According to some poll I read over at HuffPo, Ruth Chris’s is the most popular place cheaters take their affair partners. (I think it was according to Ashley Madison.) He’s a cliche!

      funbobbylloyd sounds like funMongoloid to me. Or blobbyceluloid.

      Makes me think of gelatinous clowns.

      • Stacey June 11, 2013, 8:35 pm

        blobbyceluloid — I choked on my coffee laughing!

      • Datdamwuf June 11, 2013, 9:28 pm

        you want sick, when I was trying so hard to divorce my ex and he insisted on living with me, he was at the same time telling his OW that I wouldn’t let him go. There was a really awesome restaurant recently opened in the area that I’d mentioned to him once. He begged me to take him there being all about we need to do this amicably. It turned out he wanted to check it out so he could take his girlfriend there, the email gush she went on about how he was such a real man taking her to a restaurant that was so different, etc, etc made me gag and almost made me pick up the phone to tell her she was welcome, since I was actually the “real man”.

        • DuckLinerUpper June 12, 2013, 8:40 am

          Wow, Datdamwuf, he sounds classy (and so does his OW who apparently doesn’t get out much).

          My STBX took the OW to new restaurants first, then would take me and the kids later. I didn’t know this at the time. Found out a few weeks later. Ugh.

        • Patty June 12, 2013, 10:44 am

          DDW- I love that you were divorcing him, living together (too hard, I couldn’t do it), AND had his email access so you could read their nauseating conversations! Good work.

        • Nord June 12, 2013, 1:49 pm

          Mine told OW that as well. We were going to therapy together to try make put things to bed in a fairly amicable way. She was getting pissy (he still hadn’t signed the divorce papers) and I read a text where he said ‘it’s difficult when one doesn’t want it to end and the other does’. And then in therapy and with the kids he would outline how things could change and we could be together again. She still thinks she’s the love of his life, despite him cheating with her and others at the same time – before I found out.

    • Stephanie June 12, 2013, 12:20 am

      Oh, Tamara–that profile! (I checked his real one.)

      Literally in the part about what he’s looking for, he writes that he wants someone who will focus all on him–you know, someone easy.

      CL, you could have a whole college course on dissecting the actual profiles of cheaters.

      Oh, wow!

      So many of them are cliches–all about how much they work out, etc. Pictures of themselves taken in the bathroom mirror, you know the type.

      My, my.

      • Nord June 12, 2013, 1:37 am

        I can’t find him on match – the search thing isn’t responding. Must try again as I really want to see this guy.

      • pearl June 12, 2013, 11:43 am

        I looked him up as well. He is going to think he is the cat’s pajamas since so many women are suddenly checking out his profile. If he only knew…….

        • Laurel June 12, 2013, 10:53 pm

          here ya go… I just googled his handle and there it was.

          http://www.match.com/Profile/Display/About/?uid=B%20hbjo/%203uhOCB76%20H6BiA==&handle=funbobbylloyd&mpopt=1

          never married, he says.

          ” I love to walk the beach…”

          Is he fucking serious? That is THE most hackneyed trite line in all of onlineprofiledom!

          “What I am looking for in a woman is easy. I want someone who likes me. Someone who wants to be with me and enjoys my company.”

          oh we could have some fun here…

          >:- )

          • Laurel June 12, 2013, 10:56 pm

            I dunno… he doesn’t have an MBA. :-[

          • Nord June 13, 2013, 12:16 am

            I’m not in the States so for some reason that brings me to the homepage. Now I’m determined to see it. Will work on it later.

            • Laurel June 13, 2013, 12:27 am

              I think you may have to open up a quick profile. you can type anything for a user name and password and email address. and then you should be able to at least read it. I mean… he likes “long, romantic walks on the beach”

              so… he can gape at all the breasts and asses, cause he is one.

              • Tamara June 13, 2013, 7:19 am

                Y’all are awesome!

                We were never married… just “engaged” for 12 years. It made it easier to walk at the end, that’s for sure.

    • LiningUpDucks June 13, 2013, 2:14 pm

      So I checked it out on Match. Did you catch all of the Freudian slips?

      “What I am looking for in a woman is easy.”
      Easy? As in, a quick lay? Easy to get into bed?

      “Someone who is smart and funny and is somewhat knowledgeable about current affairs.”
      Current affairs? Sort of like the *affair* I had when I was living with my fiance of 12 years? That affair? It’s still pretty current, so that counts! Hope you’re not somewhat knowledgeable about that, because then you might not date me. lol

      “I am looking for a lady who is looking for a partner.”
      A sex partner? lol

      • Laurel June 13, 2013, 11:32 pm

        Easy sex affair partner with a sense of humor. That’s all he needed to say! yeeesh!

        love the pic (yes, “pic” in this case, even though I HATE that word) with the BIG FISH.

        see my big fish?

        what a dumbfuck!

        • Tamara June 14, 2013, 4:55 pm

          That was taken over ten years ago. By me…..

          Yes. Yes he is a dumbfuck. I wondered why in the world someone, anyone, would post a “pic” (I hate that, too) of a bloody big tuna. Just gross.

          On his facebook page, under “work” it says: self (psychology)

          I laughed until I wet myself… well, almost.

  • NotHonestAbe June 11, 2013, 8:03 pm

    Physical: I am the perfect human specimen. Tall, 6 ft., 3 in (really 6 ft. 1 or less) because everyone knows taller is better! I always comment on anyone who is shorter than me, because everyone knows they are inferior humans. I tell everyone I way, 220, but shhhhh I really weigh about 280, have high cholesterol, low testosterone, balding, horrible breath, but I digress. Really, I am not at all vain and strive to keep my self “busy and in the best shape possible.” I am over 50 but use an email address with 1972 in it, so as to appear younger. Well, doesn’t everyone lie about their age, height and weight?

    Income: Money is no object! Heck, I even raided my 401k of $20,000 to support a “new life” with a tramp and no longer contribute to my retirement. Forever young is my motto! Credit scores? Bills? College costs? House repairs? Let the wife handle all that. WEEEEEE, I’m living large on my credit cards!!!!! Hakuna Mattata!

    Ideal Mate: Me, but a female! Tall, gawky, loves sports, no morals, no values, Moms who emotionally abuse their kids for me. That’s true love right der…

    Idol: Abe Lincoln. Have all books about him although I have never really read them. Visited his museums in IL and DC. Yep, for real, Honest Abe, my HERO!!!!!!

  • MovingOn June 11, 2013, 8:05 pm

    Oh, fun. I’ll play!

    Age: Almost 40, and I’m pretty depressed about it. You see, because of my ex-wife, I’ve missed out on the good things in life. I wanted so much more, and she held me back. Hopefully, I can pursue that excitement with you!

    Height: I’m actually a little over six feet, but because I’m insecure and unhappy, I walk fairly hunched over, rounding my shoulders in. It’s sexy in a pathetic way, though.

    Income: For my age and for how long I’ve been working for the same company, it’s pretty lame. However, I’m finally going back to grad school, but I’ll probably never use the degree because my current, dead-end job is perfect for me. I mostly telecommute, hardly have to interact with my long-distance colleagues (which is awesome because I think I’m superior to everyone and can’t stand having to actually take orders from those low lives), and most of the time that I’m supposed to be working, I’m goofing around online. In fact, that’s how I discovered Ashley Madison, which is a great place to meet people!

    Interests: I like boring shit that I will talk about ad nauseum, so I hope you’re a good listener! I enjoy going on and on about something while you feign interest because you’re being polite. If you have interests, that’s fine, but you’re going to need to like my interests and make them yours. I am also interested in having sex WAY more than you want to, and I especially enjoy commencing that with little foreplay and after you’ve had a hard day with little help. I’m also interested in spending time with the very few friends and family members that I have, but I really don’t want to make the effort with your friends and family. They’re all so below me, you know?

    What I’m Looking For:

    Sex, sex, and more sex (remember: little foreplay). Did I mention that I’m a skinny nerd who looks like Mr. Burns from The Simpsons? Don’t worry; you’ll realize that’s sexy in time.

    A dependent woman who doesn’t really want to have a life and friends of her own. It would be cool if you didn’t work so that you could attend to my needs, whether they be in the kitchen or in the bedroom. I’m not really into the whole “share the chores” idea, so you need to be completely in charge of those. If you want to go out now and again without me (but really, why would you want to do that?), keep your phone on. I want a woman who is ready to run home and take care of things when I get tired of it (which is after approximately one hour).

    I’d LOVE someone who lacks any self-esteem. I don’t want a woman who uses protection when we have sex and barely know each other, and I’m totally fine with it if you’re cheating on your husband and kids. I’m definitely into desperate and needy because I am both of those things. Maybe if I find someone as desperate and needy as I am, my needs will finally be met!

    Contact: You can find my profile on Ashley Madison! Let’s plan to meet at a cute little town so that we can pretend that we’re on a non-stop honeymoon. I’ll rent us a room at a fancy B&B and shower you with all sorts of sparkly attention and gifts. Make sure that you only call my cellphone or contact me through my secret email account– that makes things more exciting! If all goes well, I will dump my second wife for you (especially if she finds out about us and dumps me first… it’s very important to me that you be open to being my Plan B), and we can rush into getting married! It’s okay if you have kids– bring ‘em along, even if it means completely uprooting them from their lives and everything that they know! I LOVE playing The Brady Bunch, and my kids are used to it by now. Kids are SO resilient. They’ll be fine. I can’t wait to have sex with you without really knowing you at all!

    • Nord June 12, 2013, 1:58 am

      ‘Maybe if I find someone as desperate and needy as I am, my needs will finally be met!’

      Hahahaha….that pretty much sums it up, yes?

  • Laurel June 11, 2013, 8:25 pm

    Here is my profile which is actually an amalgam profile of an internet predator/sociopath/pathological liar, not my wasband. (who’s also an internet predator but not nearly this audacious. I could write something about him too, but its better for me to be meh about him and focus on this piece of work that is something far more lethal that we all need to be weary of— the gentlemanly narcissist.)

    here goes: I couldn’t resist a bit of editorializing in [brackets] please know that some of this was actually lifted from some real profiles

    enjoy! ;]

    *********

    Hello there,

    I am a true Manhattanite, born and raised.

    I am a man of many talents and openness looking for a woman who is interested in the same in a man. I am quite busy with my life and business,

    [even though I'm currently unemployed]

    but love my city,, my Central Park, my Yankees and my Giants and I also love a glorious evening at the Met with friends.

    [see how well-rounded and cultured I am?]

    I am looking for a woman who is in a similar place and who loves to explore life.

    [translation: I'm looking for a fuckbuddy]

    If this should resonate within you, let me know and we can chat further and possibly take to the next level. I am well educated, MBA, successful and from what women say, extremely easy on the eyes. I take a great deal of pride in my appearance and am very physically fit. I workout 5 times a week and am very athletic and trim. If you like muscles, then I am sure you will like me.

    I do appreciate a woman who keeps herself fit as well and takes pride in her appearance. I enjoy a woman of worldly experience and openness as well as a sense of style to her alter ego.

    [alter ego. you have got to be joking? no?]

    Strong independent women with grace and style with a touch of the “Manhattan Woman” move to the front of my search.

    [translation: i'm not looking for a relationship]

    I am not drawn to the lame bar/club scene

    [because I'm actually already living with someone, who's none the wiser, and I don't have time for all of that drinking and chatting which is why I'm REALLY here!]

    Not really sure about the whole online thing but who knows friends have said it is fun.

    [there are no friends]

    I love great conversation and making people laugh–people always tell me how comfortable I make others feel.

    [barf]

    I am very humble though

    [uh huh...]

    and hate conceited people—just be yourself, I always say, and respect others.

    [that applies to you, not me. I don't give a shit about anyone but myself, including the arm candy I live with who makes me look good because she is an ex-broadway dancer and has a lot of great friends]

    If you are under the age of 30, please look to the next profile, I am very selective, please be the same.

    [clearly]

    If we get so far as to be intimate partners, I want you to know that I love to please a woman—

    [that's what I say, not what I do]

    I am a very passionate man who’s been blessed with a very large endowment at 9″ and quite thick that can last for a very long time,

    [well... okay, if you say so]

    should you like that in a man. Yes, I do have pics, if you’d like to see…

    [seriously?]

    Also, ladies, please understand that I am always the gentleman and always respectful. Any questions, please feel free to ask?

    [sure. would you mind if I called your live in to clue her in?]

    Gender: Male [but most likely bi-sexual even though I won't admit it to myself or anyone else either]
    Age: 38 [nope really 47]
    Smoking habits: No [Yes, two packs a day]
    Drinking habits: Occasionally [yes, occasionally, I skip an hour or two before chugging back another beer]

    Cheers!

    *********

    BTW: our charming hunk said the word *I* a whopping 21 times. Its all about *I* ain’t it?

    Also, just so you know… guys like this ARE on Match.con and E-harmony, etc. I will never ever get on a dating site. After all, its a man with a computer looking for God knows what and who knows where it all ends?

  • bev June 11, 2013, 9:10 pm

    I almost puked up my dinner. I cannot truly believe that any woman answers an ad where a guy talks about his penis and has pics???? Why, dear God somebody tell me WHY….

    Sorry, this one got to me.

    • mag June 12, 2013, 4:30 pm

      I saw a profile on match.com where a guy clearly stated he was into anal sex!!!!
      he must get tons of dates….

  • harmonysmine June 11, 2013, 9:12 pm

    Age: 53 (going on 15).
    Height: 5’10”
    Occupation: I chose the perfect degree to hide behind as a social worker/mental health counselor so that the world will see me as a compassionate, empathetic, and sane person. It’s the perfect cover to myself and others to hide my profound mental illness as an extremely narcissistic psychopath. In fact, people might even think I’m actually altruistic, especially because I work as a grief counselor for dying people! Poor sick fucks! They actually think I give a damn! But because sociology is all about relationships, no one suspects me as the human predator that I am. Destroying relationships is my specialty! No one, not even you, will suspect… at first. By virtue of my occupation, others willingly share with me their weaknesses and vulnerabilities, all the while thinking I really give a shit. But ahh…it’s the perfect set up for me. A real feast! Because once I’m in a ‘relationshit’ with you, I revel in turning it against you and watching you squirm. All the while I can pretend that I am sane while I tear you down and try to make you think that you are the crazy one. And if you’re really smart, by the time you’ve figured out my game, I’ll be on to the next one. Oh, and, go ahead, tell the world all about it. I work in the mental health field so who will believe you? They all think I’m the greatest thing that ever happened to you. And so do I.
    Income: I make enough with my social work degree to live my life as a single person. Even if we’re married. I have enough to keep my sidefucks going, pay for any online profiles, purchase my track phones, keep my gym membership in effect, keep my steroid stash up at all times and pay for any and all my hobbies as I see fit. Oh, and as a side note, I make enough to keep my bachelor pad up on the side, too. You know, the one I lived in before we got married. Yeah, I gotta keep paying on that, too. Can’t let that go, you know?
    Interests: Hurting people. I especially love mindfucking women. It’s my favorite hobby! And using people. I specialize in meaningful overnight relationships. But I also like toys. Fast cars, motorcycles, and anything that makes me look hot. My body is my favorite pastime. I spend countless hours at the gym each week to keep myself in top shape for all my sexual escapades. My clothes must be top of the line so that I look my best while I’m out there on the hunt for a new fuck each day. And perverted sex is a favorite, too. Group sex, homosexual trysts, and anything in between is always welcome. Just so long as I am attractive to someone. After all, it’s all about me, you know? A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do!
    What I’m looking for: A good cover of normalcy. A good natured, gullible, trusting woman who loves me beyond measure. Someone stupid enough to buy my bullshit. Someone who will take me as I am and ask no questions. Someone who will fear losing the wondrous Godlike person that is me. Someone who will sit quietly at home while I’m out fucking whores and be happy to see me when I get home. A nice, tidy, clean woman who will keep a clean house for me and work her ass off to keep the bills paid and give me awesomely expensive gifts just for having me in her life. Someone who won’t question all of my lies. Oh, and if you happen to look like Pamela Anderson, well, that’s a plus!
    Contact: I’ll give you my number. It might be my primary cell number, but that’s only for daytime use, on weekdays only. That way, you won’t suspect my ‘other life’. But that’s only if I’m interested in starting a ‘relationshit’ with you. Leave me a message and I’ll step outside in the yard and call you back. Otherwise, I’ll give you my track phone number, which is the phone I keep locked in the console in my hot car. Just leave me a message and I’ll call you as soon as I’m away from the house and we can hook up for a good fuck.

    P.S. Do I sound angry? You bet your ass I am. I got a live one…..

    • Laurel June 11, 2013, 10:01 pm

      this type of being is truly scary. I’m so sorry and I totally understand too.

      • harmonysmine June 12, 2013, 3:20 am

        Thank you, Laurel. Its a very difficult thing to navigate. Trust me.

        • Chump Lady June 12, 2013, 8:15 am

          Yeah, he sounds like a super scary mega creep.

          • harmonysmine June 12, 2013, 12:06 pm

            He sure was. I never knew evil people like this existed. To say he was a liar and a cheat is such an understatement. I can honestly say that the years with him were absolutely the worst years of my life. And now, he just got remarried and I’m certain is dragging the poor woman through hell…

    • Violet June 12, 2013, 8:14 am

      Wow. I keep typing reactions but they just don’t do it justice. All I can say is, wow.

  • Suckerpunched June 11, 2013, 9:28 pm

    Age: I peaked in the eighties, so let’s go with 28.
    Height: 5’8 and three eighths. And no, I’m not shrinking. My new hair plugs took care of that.
    Income: Infrequently. Mostly, I work for two-to- three years as a “consultant,” hoping the company will hire me full time. But every company fails to see how amazing I am, and lets me go. My Chump wife thought I should further my education so I could move up the corporate ladder, but I’m content doing the exact same thing that 28 year olds can do, only I should expect to have double the salary. At least my Chump didn’t let me go until I was already well into the dating scene. That old adage is true; you need a job to find a job. Only for me, it’s chumps and chicks. My unemployment stints are more like 26-week paid vacations. I hope you like beer and Bonanza reruns! I like to work out every morning at the gym, take gas medicine for all the weird shit I think will make me young again, spend my afternoons looking at Three Stooges reruns on my PC, taking a nap, and looking for the occasional job on Monster.com. Phone calls, networking and joining industry-related organizations are beneath Very Important People like me.
    Interests: Well, ME, of course! I also like hair products that add shoe polish-color black hair and volume to my head and pervy mustache, or take away the leg, back and chest hair. Take a look at my Facebook profile picture; you can barely see where I photoshopped hair and the black color in! I hope you like routine! I like doing the EXACT same things with my bimbo that I did with my Chump and what I did with all my Chump “girlfriends” before her. I’m a rock-solid, dull guy. Give me a sixties or seventies bad guy rerun any old day. Seriously, I’m home all day after the morning workout and Mass with the bimbo on Sundays. I like yelling at baseball games on TV, complaining about the weather, bitching about mowing the lawn, and agreeing and repeating verbatim what Bill O’Reilly tells me what to believe every weeknight. Now there’s a man’s newsman for you!
    Education: It took me ten years to get my bachelor’s degree, but I like to only tell people the year I graduated because it makes me sound younger. I’m a self-taught, talk-radio kind of guy. Whatever they’re bitching about on Rush, that’s my education and what I hate, too.
    What I’m looking for: A beard. Some dumbass broad with low self-esteem who will buy into my macho, silent type as sexy and mysterious; someone who won’t figure out until she’s put everything into me that underneath it all, I’m just a repressed homosexual who is too scared by my religion and family to pursue my love of cock. I’m not your average cheater. I don’t fuck on the first date, sometimes for weeks, sometimes months. It makes them want me so much more, and I love the control. I’m not really into sex with women. But when I do have sex with them, I will spend time trolling the vagina area, but only so I can have them primed for when I objectify them and turn them around to do it doggy style. I pretend they are men and I’m their master cocktician! I like them blonde, Catholic (but not so Catholic as to worry about that seventh commandment; that’s for other Catholics, not two Very Important People!), ostensibly sweet, and good conversationalists, too. It gives me the respectability I need around my so-called friends and family, and I don’t have to really put any effort into the relationship or conversations. I like them with their own money and willing to spend it on me, too. Because did I also mention I’m frugal? I won’t buy a card at Hallmark if the Dollar Tree will do. And unless it’s for me, anything I buy has to be on sale, damaged, used and/or cheap. Which is coincidentally just how I like my bimbos.
    Contact: Call my cell phone that I secretly had for years while making fun of my Chump wife and her friends for having a cell phone. I am very clever; I snidely referred to their cell phones as their “cigarettes.” Actually, I was using my cell phone to have the most “intimate” relationship I’ll ever be able to muster. My son has Aspergers, and I self-diagnosed (because I am also the smartest man on the planet) myself, too. I gave myself a diagnosis that would account for my quirkiness and brilliance. My Chump wife told me I don’t have Aspergers, that I’m just an asshole when she found out about my work fuckbuddy. My Chump is so mean. That’s why I fucked around behind her back and left her holding the bag after 20 years and three kids while I’m out being 28 again!

    • Laurel June 11, 2013, 9:53 pm

      Was that 3/8th of an inch with or without shoes on?

      I have a son on the spectrum, too. Your husband is not on the spectrum. Autistic spectrum that is…

      • Datdamwuf June 11, 2013, 9:54 pm

        suckerpunched, I am so sorry, I hope you find some peace

        • harmonysmine June 11, 2013, 10:46 pm

          SP,
          I’m so sorry…how did we ever find these assholes? I have to believe it was our goodness that landed them. Even if we were Chumps tho, we’re much wiser now. Exit stage left…..

      • Suckerpunched June 13, 2013, 7:02 pm

        He’s more on the rectum than spectrum.

        Sorry if I offended anyone with my graphic language and imagery in my “ad.” Sometimes, the words just type themselves. :)

    • Nord June 12, 2013, 3:05 am

      Hah…I’ve got one trying to be 28 again as well. It’s amusing and scary at the same time.

      • Chump Lady June 12, 2013, 8:17 am

        I think they all peaked in the 80s. The asymmetrical haircuts must’ve caused some permanent brain damage.

      • DuckLinerUpper June 12, 2013, 1:00 pm

        I think mine is in a permanent mid-life crisis.

  • P.F June 11, 2013, 9:49 pm

    Hi my name is Hauren

    Age- 44, but you’d never guess, especially in low lighting.

    Height- as tall as my fake boobs.lol

    Income- presently living off my alimony and it’s going to run out in a few years. I’m supposed to be retraining and looking for employment but that would seriously screw up my spousal support. Anyway, I’ve never worked cause I love my kids.

    Interests- I’m so into yoga and plastic surgery and drinking wine. I never cheated on my husband in the sense that I don’t believe in monogamy and I’m sure I told him this before we got married, he just never listened to me. I’m sure I told him but he must of forgot.

    What I’m looking for- I’m looking for a good provider, specifically someone who travels for business cause I need my space sometimes and it offers me the opportunity to go into town to meet random men.

    Contact- now that my husband divorced me I don’t need to use my secret phone or secret email accounts…lol..

    • another Erica June 11, 2013, 10:50 pm

      of course! the philosophies of yoga and plastic surgery go hand in hand! :)

      • P.F June 11, 2013, 11:00 pm

        It’s really hard to stay in my yoga poses cause my fake boobs makes it’s hard to keep my body balanced and I often tip over…lol…

        Yeah… yoga and plastic surgery are two spectrums of my individuality and represent my chanting mantra.
        “Meeeee…meeeee…truth…..meeeee”

        • Chump Lady June 12, 2013, 8:18 am

          Boobs and yoga poses… I’m thinking of a faulty tripod.

  • Kara June 11, 2013, 9:54 pm

    Age: Does this matter? I mean…age is nothing but a number right?

    Hight: I’m around 6’1″. That’s the one thing I WON’T lie to you about.

    Interests: Porn. Man do I love me some porn. All kinds too, I don’t discriminate. Vanilla porn, funny porn, high-brow HBO porn, fur porn, hentai, foreign. Whatever I can get my hands on that will let me get my hand on *hehe I made I pun! See how funny I am?* I also love video games. That’s pretty much what I do when I’m not watching porn. I mean, is there anything else to life? Oh yeah, sometimes I like to go to car lots and pretend I’m interested in buying cars I can’t afford. Except that one time I did. Haha, that was funny.

    Education: Eugh…that’s hard.

    Contact: I love texting. It’s my main way to communicate. No seriously, you can text, text, text with me, but if you actually call me, I won’t pick up the phone. Even if it’s in my hand. There’s also those MMORPG’s I’m always playing. If you want to catch me in person, I’ll probably be at some convention dressed as a dog or something.

    • Kara June 11, 2013, 11:54 pm

      OOPS! I forgot to add what he’s looking for. How could I forget that?

      What I’m looking for: Gullibillity. Seriously. You need to be the most gullible, co-depentent chick ever. That way, when I come home late, I can lie to you about where I’ve been and get off scott free. Also, you have to be COMPLETELY in charge of ANY and ALL birth control. All I’m going to do is pull out. That works right? If you get pregnant, I will try to go back to my exes until you have flushed that out either by miscarriage or abortion. Preferably miscarriage so I don’t have to be reminded that you have rights.

      • Dani June 14, 2013, 2:45 pm

        Wow… that last part… just wow. Silly women and their rights!

        • Kara June 17, 2013, 6:48 pm

          Seriously though. The one time I thought I was pregnant (I wasn’t) he went to work for an hour and they sent him home because he was “too distracted” he spent the rest of the night on the couch in a fetal position.

          After we had broken up and I was dating someone else, I got a text from him out of the blue, saying he loved me more than he realized and was thinking about marriage, blah, blah. Too bad for his ass I was with someone new. I later found out that the only reason he was texting me was because his girlfriend (the AP I caught him with) was pregnant and he was trying to bail. He went back to her when he found out she’d had a miscarriage from the sheer stress of finding his text messages to me.

  • Datdamwuf June 11, 2013, 10:07 pm

    Here’s my submission:
    Age: Mature and ready for adventure, especially up for Wicca ceremonies where we get naked. I can tell you all about my imaginary heroic antics in high school, I relive them all the time, ALL the time. Aren’t we all really just 16 years old forever?

    Height: I’m 5’11” but everyone thinks I’m bigger because I’m a body builder, err I was one, I still look big, just different big, my dick is still the same size and it is really big, it still works sometimes.

    Income: I’m trying to get on SSN disability, finally I have an excuse not to get a job, after all those years, that bitch ex wife wouldn’t pay alimony, I mean I have serious health issues, I’m depressed. But trust me, that will never interfere with my ability to do anything you want me to do…except work.

    Interests: I’m really active on Ashley Madison because I’m looking for my SOUL MATE. I hate being alone, it’s so boring, I mean who would want to be alone, ever? I am a really shy, sensitive guy and a morning person, I get up at 3:00am to look at hard core porn and sext every day! But I’d much rather look at you and sext you instead. I enjoy a little drink in the evening so I have to crash by 8:00pm (a gallon of Mohito mix is about right). You won’t need to have sex with me in person after we marry because I have porn. I love watching every cartoon series ever made at top volume and I’m sure you will too, dramas suck except if you say you like them. I love everything you love, trust me, tell me everything about you so I can use it – I mean, so I can be very sensitive to your needs. I totally love to read books, honest.

    I believe every woman is a special flower but I call every woman “hon” because they are all so special.

    What I’m looking for: Rescue, I totally love women who want to take care of me, I need you so much and I had such a hard life, if only someone understood me. I just want a woman who won’t expect me to take care of her, she must be strong and make a lot of money, err, make a lot of happiness in my life. I give so much of myself, it sends me into a rage when it’s not appreciated, of course I’m not scary or anything, in fact I’m afraid you will abuse me, I need true love to heal from the abuse I heaped on my ex, um, from the abuse I went through. I TRY so hard to be hard, why is that not enough?

    I am looking for my one true HON. I don’t know why it’s so hard to find a lover who is the ONE. I get treated so badly, I know you will take perfect care of me, not like that last bitch. Don’t ask me questions and make me cry. If you do that I’ll never, ever let you go (seriously, I’ll NEVER let you go, at least not without a protective order).

    Contact: Use the email on the site, my roommate is really protective of me since I went through so much hell with the last crazy woman who refused to give me half her shit when we broke up, the bitch. I look forward to sexting you in private at 3:00am. If you are the ONE, send me your number and I can call when my roommate is not around. Trust me, that thing on facebook about being in a relationship is just to help my roommate feel better, you can ignore it.

    • another Erica June 11, 2013, 10:47 pm

      ha! “roommate”

    • Chump Lady June 12, 2013, 8:19 am

      They all have a sad story about their exes, don’t they? And “roommates.”

      • Suckerpunched June 13, 2013, 7:29 pm

        X would not call the bimbo he bought a house with and moved in with (while still married to me) by her name. He referred to his fuckbuddy as his “co-worker,” “tenant,” “roommate” and “special friend” in our deposition, until my attorney – with perfect comedic timing – finally deadpanned asked, “Have you and your “tenant” had sex?” X’s bugged-out eyes, red face and then short breathing reactions were SO worth the $20K spent litigating the divorce. X’s “tenant” would be mortified to know how much he thought of her, huh? No “true lover” or “soul mate” mentioned, no siree! But she’ll eventually find out. Wish I could see her crossed eyes bug out and panicked breathing reactions when that happens! And as sure as he’s on his seventh unemployment stint, IT WILL!

    • Patty June 12, 2013, 11:01 am

      I was just so confused when hubby started watching more and more cartoons – what is that about? Tom and Jerry, Popeye, oh, and also LOVED 3 Stooges ( for hours on end).
      Regression to infanthood, anyone wanna come? Or- I tried being an adult, I didn’t like that!!!

      • Nord June 13, 2013, 12:19 am

        My ex, when I met him, loved to play video games on his computer. It was fun because we were in our 20s but it faded away over time. Take a wild guess what he does with the final – and very young – OW all the time. :)

  • another Erica June 11, 2013, 10:45 pm

    Age – 35, but super cool and hip to all the bands, clothes, etc. that my future 20-something girlfriend knows about. In fact, I knew about them first.

    Height – taller than your last boyfriend

    Income – a lot, but it is never going to be enough. Especially with the ex bleeding me dry.

    Interests – talking about my work in excruciating detail, watching Fox News, playing guitar while others gather around and admire it, cooking food for family and coworkers to praise, ordering pizza when my sons stay with me because they do not praise my cooking, constantly visiting the BMW website and discussing the fact that I still haven’t gotten my M3, complaining that I do not have enough guitars, playing soccer while a babysitter watches my sons who I miss so much, jet-skiing and windsurfing while my parents watch my sons who I miss so much, going to the gym to lift weights while the child care center watches my sons who I miss so much, drinking (and sometimes doing various recreational drugs) with my alcoholic little brother, counting down the months until spousal support ends, discussing what tattoo I should get but then never EVER actually go get. Watching Giants football when everyone knows the Redskins are the only team in the NFC East worth rooting for.

    What I’m looking for – someone young, dumb, and poor. Thin. Breast size and hair color negotiable. Crazy is a bonus. Someone who will admire me for my small town success and make no demands on me. Someone who will be happy for the few crumbs I throw their way and will understand that I can’t buy them dinners or flowers or anything because I’m broke due to my ex-wife (well, and because I need to buy myself things. Lots of things). My dream date would commiserate with me about the horrible situation my faithful wife put me in and tell me how much she loves my guitar playing, cooking, and biceps. And my brains, sense of humor, and everything else about me. All the time. I would like someone that will make and bring me a bowl of ice cream (mint chocolate chip with peanuts and chocolate sauce) every night, like my mommy did when I was young, while I lay on the sofa after my day doing the hardest job in the world. It really is so much harder than your job. My dream girl will get turned on by a single boob squeeze and not expect any physical touch or affection outside of the 5 minutes just prior to penetration.

    Contact – Send me a full length picture along with your message. Don’t worry if you misspell several basic words, brains are very overrated.

    • Chump Lady June 12, 2013, 8:20 am

      God, he sounds like a real drip.

      Crazy is a bonus? I think there are a number of candidates here for him to choose from.

      • anotherErica June 12, 2013, 12:35 pm

        He is, why did I not really notice it until after the affair?? I’m sure he’s got one or two good qualities and maybe in another 5 years or so I’ll even be able to recognize them.

    • Violet June 12, 2013, 9:56 am

      “super cool and hip to all the bands, clothes, etc. that my future 20-something girlfriend knows about. In fact, I knew about them first.”
      HAHAHAHA!!! I need that line in my ad too!!!

      • Nord June 12, 2013, 10:20 am

        Sounds like my ex. He used to try to talk ‘street’. Mind you he’s about as far from street as one could get but I humoured him. I wonder how his young girlfriend manages to not laugh out loud at him.

        • anotherErica June 12, 2013, 12:40 pm

          yeah, it’s weird. My ex thinks he’s some kind of water/beach/stoner/indie guy who also happens to also want tons of material possessions and is very politically conservative.

          ‘Street’ talk… the worst is my ex answers the phone “what up”. What kind of grown man does that??

          • Violet June 12, 2013, 1:27 pm

            My ex answered the phone like that too! This is too funny!!!

            • anotherErica June 12, 2013, 3:59 pm

              really? I guess that will now be one of my red flags… I guess under a broader red flag category of “refusing to act his age”

              • LiningUpDucks June 13, 2013, 2:22 pm

                Mine does the street thing, too. Ridiculous. He idolizes his female co-workers who act “street’, too. I can hardly contain my laughter. Seriously, he think’s he’s Eminem.

      • Toni June 12, 2013, 2:43 pm

        Single boob squeeze..YES!

  • Chris June 11, 2013, 11:46 pm

    Age: 24. I’m tall and skinny and I’ve got a twinkish look to me which is a big hit in the gay world! Lolzzz!!! I’m also young enough to where my metabolism STILL hasn’t slowed down yet so I can go ahead and eat ice cream right out of the carton, and polish it off with oreos dipped in peanut butter and I STILL won’t gain a pound! Be jealous fat bitches!!!

    Note: Obesity runs in my family so if you want a piece of this delicious, skinny ass you better act now!! I’ve only got another 2-3 years before that metabolism slows down and I blow up like a balloon! But eww who wants to be fat? That’s soo gross! My ex was such a fucking chub chaser….I was the ONLY skinny guy he had EVER been with! That’s how sexy I am! All those fatty fat fatty queens couldn’t compete with THIS!

    And don’t worry. If I get fat I could always go bulimic to shed those pounds and turn all my problems around on you once I turn into a quivering mess. And oo you’ll get to take care of me too! Yey!!

    Height: 5’11”.

    Income: Income?! Wtf is that?! Hmmm…in the past year I’ve had about three part-time jobs I ended up getting fired from. In fact, the last restaurant I worked at…they totally fired me cause I once slept through an entire shift! LMAO! And I don’t mean like I was supposed to be there at 8:30 AM and I showed up at 10:30 AM and shit….I mean like I was supposed to be there at 8:30 AM and I didn’t even wake up until 6:30 PM!

    But my boss was such a fucking asshole! He didn’t understand that I HAVE DEPRESSION! I can’t sleep at night! It’s not my fault these fucking sleeping pills don’t work! And omfg it was like a Wednesday when that shit happened! It’s not like they had a big huge Wednesday crowd! I’m soo glad my boss was sooo perfect and never did anything wrong in his life!! Then he started saying some shit like “Ohh this is the third day in a row you’ve done this so you’re fired!” Umm…hello? Depression?! He was prolly a closet case anyway who just wanted to fuck me. Everybody does!

    But anyway yeah. I sleep in my grandmom’s attic and she pays most of the bills. Sometimes I wish I was like 70-something like her so I could get Social Security checks!! Omg she’s soo lucky! She doesn’t have to work! She just sits around all day and gets free money from the government! Like…a thousand whole dollars per month! That’s amazing!

    She’s awesome but she bitches at me when I’m supposed to wake up at 2 PM to help her with her insulin needles! Ughh…pain in my fucking ass! Doesn’t she understand I’m depressed?!

    Interests: Well I’m actually very domesticated….and you can tell me ex is writing this as an extreme parody of me cause there’s NO fucking way I’d ever be able to spell a word like “domesticated”.

    Don’t ask me questions about geography, history, politics or religion. My ex was the one who knew all that stuff! But I have an AMAZING memory so I can totally repeat all the things he told me when we were together! I felt soo “smrt” around him!

    He helped me register for classes when I didn’t know the difference between “Undergraduate” and “Graduate” and helped me do my I-9 form for jobs cause I wasn’t sure if I was a “Citizen of the United States” or a “Lawful Permanent Resident.” I don’t fucking know! I was born in Pennsylvania….and I was born lawfully last time I checked! Ain’t a crime to come out of your Mom’s vaj, is it?! (I HATE vaj) Lmao! Annnnd I ain’t goin nowhere any time soon! So yeah I’m a permanent resident! But my ex said that’s about immigrants and green cards or something. Fucking Mexicans!

    I’m actually an amazing cook and I’m a perfectionist when it comes to cleaning/laundry..the only problem is I never feel like doing it! That’s YOUR job. I only cook and clean for my family, who call/text me anywhere from 5-10 times per day to ask for favors. Somebody always needs a ride here or needs help with a project there or needs me to call Comcast and bitch them out! Nothing gets fucking done unless I do it!

    Soo yeah if you come home and I’m not there I’m prolly helping them clean their house or cooking an amazing dinner for them! Ugh they’re hopeless! Soo if you see my dirty clothes on the floor please pick them up and put them in the laundry! And hey I just went to Walmart on Tuesday so there’s plenty of shit you can pop in the microwave! Don’t bitch at me for not coming home until late and then keeping you up till 2 AM bitching about my family! Family comes FIRST!!

    Shit…my sister just texted me. Brb.

    I also have a lot of depression. LIKE A LOT! To combat my depression I’ll either: a) Drink; b) Sleep during workdays; c) Sext guys I don’t even know; d) Some combination (or all) of the three. Either way, I’m NOT fucking talking about it so stop asking! I’m depressed. Leave me be!

    What I’m looking for: In short, someone who’s ACTUALLY gonna wake me up in the morning! Ugh..it’s so hard for me to sleep at night! I have depression and all. My ex would totally leave for work without waking me up, even though my alarm was blaring! You know how many community college classes I failed out of because of him? I’d yell at him for not waking me up and he started talking shit like: “You’re fucking 22! Be an adult and get yourself up!” Umm…hello? That’s why I have YOU, I used to tell him. But he didn’t get it. I need YOU to get it. Waking me up in the morning is YOUR responsibility.

    I actually already have an amazing boyfriend who I love more than life itself! He’s amazing and we’re going to be together for the rest of my life! He’s so amazing that I had only known him three weeks before I dumped my ex for him! Yepp…I cheated. So fucking what? I couldn’t help it he was just everything I was looking for in a man!

    You judging me? Like you haven’t thought about cheating on your bf. Shit, you prolly have a bf already you filthy homo. I know. You can’t resist this ass. Nobody can.

    You better love me and better be ready to SHOW me that love. I need to be SHOWN. All my ex ever did was write all my papers for school, help me with my resumes and cover letters, help me search for jobs on CareerBuilder, helped me prep for job interviews (he was an HR guy…whatever that is) and listened to me vent about my fucked-up family. I need YOU to buy me shit: A) Cause I have no money; B) Cause I need to be SHOWN.

    My boyfriend and I also have three and foursomes from time to time so feel free to join us! As long as you’re hot! And as long as you tell me how hot I am! I LOVE to flaunt it and I LOVE attention.

    Contact: Just text me and I’ll hit you up with my cock and ass pics! I look so amazing in my sexy undies so I’ll send you pics of that too! If you’re good I’ll even send a vid of me jerking off! Gotta love Smartphones! Me and my boyfriend (he’s amazing) still have Grindr profiles and I don’t know I guess it’s cool as long as I don’t talk to my ex. Me and amazing boyfriend HATE him! Omg he was such a dick!

    WARNING: I get attached REALLY quickly so if you tease me enough and buy me enough shit and show me a good time in the sack, I might just fall in love with you right there on the spot! Be prepared for the fall-out if I dump my amazing boyfriend for you! But it’s okay. You’re probably better anyway. My amazing boyfriend will understand. I already dumped someone else for him! I can’t help it I’m depressed….

    • Chump Lady June 12, 2013, 8:21 am

      I couldn’t get past the Oreo’s dipped in peanut butter. Is he 7 living in grandma’s house? Does she serve milk with the oreos?

      What a creepy man child!

      • anudi June 12, 2013, 11:37 am

        After D-day a doctor friend of his (who knew all about his APs but didn’t tell me then) told me that he probably suffered a psychological disorder and he could lead me to a doctor, if I needed to rectify things. Before, I never had any clue about such disorders. The doctor felt he was a bipolar or a borderline…I read a lot about those and talked to psychiatrist.
        However, after reading Simon’s book and blogs etc., I feel he is character disordered. He doesn’t appear to me as a psychotic individual with more than normal anxieties or fear. “MANIPULATION” thy name is my ex! and yes he feels he is a “CASANOVA” or a “Greek God”, who women fell for. He does absolutely nothing :) and how can he resist the temptation of women going head over heels over him?
        He gas-lighted me. He told me literally (even to my mom): “Even if you see me naked with 20 women, you shouldn’t believe your eyes. You should know that I love you. Why is that not enough for you? Almost 70% of men have affairs and their wives know but have no problems. Only you have problems!”

  • Suzanne June 12, 2013, 12:25 am

    Age: Damn near 50, but I live like a college student and act like a pre-teen. Don’t let my bald head and hairy back fool you into thinking I’m a mature adult!

    Height: 5’10” if I stand up straight instead of exaggerating my paunch.

    Income: Almost six figures, but it’s just so embarrassing that at my age I don’t somehow make more. I’m planning to play the stock market once my divorce is finalized because I’ll have so much extra money once my wife’s larger salary is out of the picture. (Makes sense, right?)

    Interests: I used to be involved in politics and science issues, especially space, but that just takes too much time away from dating so I stopped doing those things. Now my only hobby is posting on facebook. I get itchy if I’m not checking once an hour. Nothing is too trivial for me – I post comments almost every day on my dry cleaner’s page!

    Oh, I guess I could also say that alcohol is still a hobby. I spent $300 at the liquor store last month just on my personal use, plus even more at bars. I often get so drunk that I can’t perform in bed. But maybe my extensive porn collection is also a contributing factor. I prefer DVDs of teens who have barely developed breasts. I stash Victoria’s Secret catalogs in my tool chest (no pun intended) and mark my favorite pages. But don’t you ever mention this because it is embarrassing!!!! I really don’t have an explanation for the dominatrix business cards stashed in my nightstand, except to say that one of them was signing autographs at the hardware store. (What? She was!) And my plan to change jobs and make more money by taking naked pictures of women and selling them on the internet does so make sense! I know I’m not a photographer, but can’t I just use my camera phone?

    If you like Star Wars movies I’ll show you my collection of original t-shirts and fast food drinking glasses from the 1970s. I took nothing from my 20-year marriage except these “collectibles.” I don’t care about photographs of my dead mother, souvenirs from my world travels, or anything my wife gave me during our 25-year relationship. Well, except my watch. And my black suede monk-strap shoes with the lug sole. And my hot pink cashmere sweater from Belgium. And my white linen Ermenegildo Zegna shirt. And my tuxedo and dinner jacket. And my cufflinks.

    What I’m Looking For: Someone who “respects” me by blowing smoke up my ass all day long and lets me feel like James Bond by accompanying me on multi-course dinners where I order expensive wine. Stay-at-home moms who have never traveled out of state are preferred so they can listen to my international travel stories with the proper degree of awe and wonderment. Anyone who calls me on my shit or questions my lack of judgment will not be tolerated. As long as the ass-kissing continues, I will totally pay your way and pretend that it’s true love. You can even boss me around and dictate who I can and can’t speak to, what I eat, and what I do on the weekends. I’ll continue stuffing my feelings and pretend to like everything that you like… provided that you feed me a never-ending stream of ego kibbles.

    Contact: “Friend” me on facebook since that is the only way I interact with people. Or, you can text me every ten minutes from sunup through midnight; it’s what I like my mistresses to do so I feel important. Don’t even think of calling me because I won’t pick up, but if you do… leave a message (I’ll respond by text 30 seconds after you hang up the phone and pretend that I was busy when you called).

    • Chump Lady June 12, 2013, 8:22 am

      There is a theme emerging with the back hair…

      • Nord June 12, 2013, 10:21 am

        Yeah, is back hair a sign of a cheater? Mine had back hair that was coming in thicker and faster with every day that passed. Didn’t bother me one way or another. A friend who divorced a cheater reports he also had back hair. Lots of it. This needs to be studied.

        • anotherErica June 12, 2013, 12:41 pm

          maybe it’s like Pinocchio’s nose??

        • Chump Lady June 12, 2013, 2:59 pm

          We could get a federal grant.

      • ColdTurkey June 12, 2013, 12:07 pm

        Mine actually LIKES his carpet of red, curly body hair — thinks it makes him look more virile or something. The barbers have real trouble knowing where to stop shaving when they do the back of his neck. I tell you, that huge tuft of curly red hair coming up out of the back of his shirt is a real turn-on — just a hint of what lies beneath. My vow: I will never again marry a man who needs to comb his arms, legs, or any body part except his head. What the heck was I thinking?

  • anudi June 12, 2013, 12:45 am

    Age, Height, Looks: Meet me once (even on web) and I bet you can’t keep your eyes and heart off me. I shall humor you in the manner, you dream of. Now how do I know what your likes/dislikes are…That’s a trade secret!

    Interests: I love the smell of women…cha cha cha…You shall never find that out and so it will not hurt you, I promise…My ex was supposedly one with brains (I have pledged not to engage with brains again)…Even she couldn’t know for good long years. In remaining time I love to play People Cards. Now don’t ask what does that mean…You won’t understand

    Income: Well, I like grooming myself a lot and off course sensible investments, of which you won’t understand a bit (Pl don’t try to understand that!). I shall definitely take you out to dine and a vacation maybe and yeah i like to buy lingeries for woman…as much as you want darling!

    What am I looking for:

    A dumb and docile rural Indian girl with good domestic and extended family skills (my mother is a whore but pretty dominant and my bros are real monsters) for Trophy Wife.

    You can apply for a “Wife in Waiting” if you are…1) very dependent kind 2) married with an asshole (I have a reputation of saving damsels in distress…Off course my ex would say that I exploit them…none of the sort…I am just friends with a number of married woman, some of their husbands also know and approve of it :)…I didn’t figure out why…cos I wouldn’t let my wife do such a ghastly thing.

    Contact: Meet me…you’d be so head over heels in fact hypnotised that you would never judge me by my telling you that you should only contact in a particular time slot etc.

    • Chump Lady June 12, 2013, 8:23 am

      I play “People Cards” kind of sums them all up, don’t you think?

      He really thinks he’s splendid.

  • sunshine June 12, 2013, 1:16 am

    Mr. Hot

    Age: 47, but a 21-year old at heart. Thats why I bar-hop with my 21-year old ex-con son and his friends!

    Height: 6′ tall, yeah baby, that means Im hot!!!

    Body Type: I have long, skinny legs, so regardless of the rest of my body and lifestyle, I figure I’m healthy and in shape. People joke that my beer belly makes me look 7 months pregnant, but when I look at myself naked in the mirror and suck in my gut, I actually only look about 6 1/2 months. Yeah, Im hot!

    Income: Recently went back to school to become a cook. I know you’re thinking why would a 47-year old be starting a new career, but I have some good reasons:
    1) As a student, I won’t have any income, so I won’t have to pay child support for my 3 little kids! haha, smart, ain’t I?!
    2) Jobs have never really been my thing, and I didn’t want to look for one AGAIN after exWife #2 stopped supporting me. Such a pain to have to fill out apps and talk to people about working, ugh!
    3) Can’t wait to charm your pants off! No woman can resist a man who cooks for her, or so I hope!

    Interests: I’m pretty flexible on this one. Whatever you like to do can become my interests too! Oh, I should also mention that Im a great dad! I have 4 kids from my 2 ex-wives. You see, Im really deep down a caretaker kind of person. Of course, I don’t actually take care of the kids -the oldest I didn’t see, speak to, or even support from the time he was 5 till he turned 20. I also haven’t seen or paid child support for my 3 young kids from ex-wife #2, since I moved across country to be with my girlfriend 6 months ago! But, I am a great dad, and really I would take care of all of them and some homeless ones too, if I were in an alternate universe, because Im just a caretaker kind of guy!

    What Im Looking For: OK, well, I’m really good looking, and I have a huge ego, so I don’t care if you are ugly, fat, a loser, or anything else that other guys might want to boost their egos.All that matters to me is that you have a good job and lots of money for me to spend, that you’re an alcoholic like me (birds of a feather..), and that you’re cool with my coke, crack, and drunk driving habits.

    Contact Info: Well, I just can’t wait to hear from you! If for some reason I don’t answer my phone, though, don’t worry. It could be turned off, left in the car, out of battery, out of signal range, left at a friend’s house, forgotten at work, in yesterday’s pants pocket, lent to someone on the bus to make an emergency phone call, borrowed by my coworkers kid to play video games, etc. But, I will definitely return your call/ text/ email/ FB message with a really good excuse in no more than 8 days, promise!

    • Chump Lady June 12, 2013, 8:24 am

      Toothpick legs and a second-trimester tummy? I bet the women are lining up.

    • nomar June 12, 2013, 10:50 am

      I once heard comedian Paula Poundstone describe her dad’s physique as “a potato on toothpicks.” Sounds like that.

  • Hope49 June 12, 2013, 2:18 am

    Okay, here is the real profile of my STBX. I found several e-mails where he described himself to all his potential matches as follows:

    I am 6’0″, blu/grn eyes, clear suntanned skin, muscular build. My hair is brown but bleached dirty blonde from sun/ocean. I live 3 blcks from beach, so I keep active jogging/walking, body surfing, paddling my surfboard, etc. especially when water warms up in a month or two.

    Reality: He is 5’11 220 pounds, 62 years of age, has sleep apnea, hearing aids and sleeps with a C-PAP machine. He is planning to file his 2nd Bankruptcy so that he can avoid paying HUGE sums of money from his former mother-in-law. He transferred his job to California and he ‘lives’ in his mother’s house rent free near the beach and his mother is being cared for 24/7 in a group home. His parting words to me before he transferred his job from Washington to California was that” I” could now drive our son to and from school along with our daughter.

    Income: Although he’s a federal employee he NEVER makes enough money because he spends money as he wants and can’t be ‘hassled’ with looking for sales, not spending his money, clipping coupons and he’s not going to budget.

    His financial strategy: He declares Zero on his income tax holdings each year so that he can loan the government his money and get a lump sum of money with his refund so that he can ‘pay bills’-( real smart, huh? )

    His activities BEFORE I divorced him: Sit in his chair and READ all weekend from Friday to Sunday. I’m Serious. (If you need help with yard work, housework, helping the kids with homework, cooking- well don’t have any expectations! ) He is terrible with money but subscribes to: The Wall Street Journal, Forbes, The Seattle Times, Islands, Food and Wine (but he doesn’t cook), Coastal Living, Traveler Magazine, Cigar Afficianado, Natonal Geographic.

    Yep ladies, he’s a ‘special ‘sparkly’ sun- kissed old surfer dude – keep an eye out for him!

    • Chump Lady June 12, 2013, 8:25 am

      I think our exes are cut from the same Adventure Luxury Sports Guy! mold. “Paddling my surfboard”???? REALLY???

      That’s quite a visual. Where are the shark attacks when you need them?

      • Datdamwuf June 12, 2013, 10:20 am

        OMG, you reminded me with the cooking magazine, my ex watched the cooking channel all the time – and no, he never cooked anything except ground turkey in a frying pan

    • DuckLinerUpper June 12, 2013, 10:36 am

      Ick. There are quite a few of these “aging sufers” who make me sick. Peter Pan syndrome run amok.

  • nomar June 12, 2013, 9:23 am

    According to a MSNBC survey, 30% of the men using an online dating service are married. Many women so do the same though in lesser numbers.

    That is, one third of match.com is really just bad fiction writing. Those folks should have to begin their profiles, “Once upon a time, . . . .”

    • Tamara June 12, 2013, 10:12 am

      I tried on line dating for a bit. I was having a decent conversation with a guy for a coupe of weeks, and I noticed he wouldn’t write me back during weekends. I, of course, asked for confirmation on his marital status. He absolutely blew up.

      Right…….. sure you’ve been “separated for years and years.” and how “dare I question that, you don’t even know me.”

      asshole successfully avoided.

      • Cerise June 12, 2013, 12:07 pm

        Oh, that’s *exactly* how I realized my new guy was still married: he blew up at me for asking about his divorce, and started throwing accusations back. If he had just said, “yes, I can show you the paperwork sometime”, I never would have known!

    • anotherErica June 12, 2013, 12:43 pm

      great. Why can’t they just stick to Ashley Madison?

      • Hope49 June 12, 2013, 12:56 pm

        Oh yes, the ‘separated’ from my wife thing. I had to laugh because I saw an e-mail reply from a woman who abruptly responded that she doesn’t date “separated” men. Good for her!

        Another, funny e-mail of his I discovered. Instead of revealing his true age of 62 he wrote:

        My ex-wife is 50 years of age. (May be he could knock 12 years of his real age by not revealing HIS age ??? LOL )

  • Cindy June 12, 2013, 9:49 am

    These are all spectacular!! here’s my darling ex’s profile – he is kinda particular in his tastes!

    age: 45, but, I look a bit older because my bitch ex wife has beaten me down for years and did not let me have my own friends, my own life, made me be a father to my kids, and try to work a job to help pay the bills, can you imagine? Indignity!!

    height and weight: does it really matter? perfection, thy name is ME!

    Income: I do work a job, because my bitch ex wife insists I pay for the 20 years we were married and the children we conceived. Also if I want to keep my swingin’ bachelor pad I need income. I am willing to use your money, if you are willing to give it to me!! I am so worth the cash you want to spend on me! My ex girlfriend (the woman I screwed that ended my marriage) spent a ton of her husband’s money on me, so, I got kind of used to “the lifestyle”.
    My second job is as a dungeon master for one game a week of Dungeons and Dragons that I earn about 5.00 per person per week ( a total of about 30.00 weekly). That’s just about enough to keep me in Cheetos and Mountain Dew for other role playing games I participate in weekly. I play these types of games, at least 5 nights a week, which doesn’t leave a whole lot of time with my kids, but, hey, I am in demand by “my friends”.

    Financial Strategy: I am willing to take on other paying Dungeon and Dragons gigs to supplement my Cheet/Dew habit. My financial goal is to Dungeon Master professionally in order to keep my bachelor pad. My kids don’t need my help, because their mother (my bitch ex wife) gets alimony now that the child support has stopped, she can help them pay for college. Did I mention I am a journeyman electrician? I don’t do that work now. I used to be in the Union, but, I told those Union a-holes to screw themselves when they tried to get me back to work after this last recession making almost 30.00 an hour, but, it would have taken me away from my true calling, Dungeon Master. They wanted me to work afternoons, the bastards!

    What I am looking for: Do you role play? Not so much sexually, but, with little figures, dice, and sometimes, cards written with weird names and places? Are you a married woman who’s spouse is impotent and has a butt ton of cash and will indulge your need for sex with other married men? Then I AM YOUR MAN!

    Contact Info: Don’t call my cell phone, the one I have with AT&T, the plan I have with 2 of my children because I wanted to show them how wonderfully I am and buy them very expensive phones but, not pay the bill. so now I have no phone service for 2 months and I blame their mother for taking all of my money. My kids have no service, either, of course, and I have no internet. But, if you email me I can go to my mommy’s apartment which is 4 doors from mine and she has internet, so I can check my email at her house.

    He’s quite a catch, ladies – bring your own 20 sided die, your D&D character sheet, and your own money (a lot of your own money, or, your spouse’s) and he is all yours!!!!

    • Violet June 12, 2013, 10:00 am

      “Do you role play? Not so much sexually, but, with little figures, dice, and sometimes, cards written with weird names and places?”
      I cant stop laughing.

    • nomar June 12, 2013, 11:11 am

      I think there is sometimes a link between “role-playing” games and cheating. Not for everyone, but some. Such “play,” when indulged excessively, selects for people who enjoy living in a fantasy world, prone to escapism, creating an alter-ego, and sometimes making up for a failure to live up to your potential IRL. FWIW, my serial cheater ex-wife met several (but not all) of her affair partners playing World of Warcraft years ago. Paaaaa-thetic.

      Similar dynamics I think as with the cheaters I’ve seen described on this thread who collect (and identify with) action figures, collect outdoor equipment (imagining themselves to be some kind of Mountain Man, perhaps), or post misleading bios on social media. It’s all about faking a life that they can be bothered to earn.

      The back hair? I can’t explain how that fits into the equation, but it’s funny.

      • DuckLinerUpper June 12, 2013, 12:50 pm

        My STBX is an escapist, big time. Lots of role-playing video games with elaborate plotlines. Playing with other people online. Ick. He was quite proud of his avitar/game character’s physical characteristics and points.

        • nomar June 12, 2013, 1:14 pm

          Yeah, the obsessing about avatars–What’s up with that? Like adding horns to your troll Priest . . . means something? Or you got the red smock (Oops, sorry, I mean “tunic”) that’s much rarer than the blue one. Who gives two sh*ts in a wicker basket about this? It’s basically computer-assisted doodling, people. Just a high-tech version of Wooly Willy. Does anyone even remember Wooly Willy?

          http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nWY8SSdSBZo

          Come to think of it, Wooly Willy look like several of the cheating exes I’ve heard described here at CL, especially the sculpted facial hair.

      • Kara June 12, 2013, 1:57 pm

        I think there is a connection. My ex was like that too. Endless hours spent on MMORPG’s an video games where you create a character. In one of them, you can actually marry your in-game character to another. Since I tried the game and didn’t like it, he was going to do that with one of his guild friends and couldn’t understand why that pissed me off.

        And it didn’t stop there. He created a character on a fur website and wanted to commission drawings of that character in various sex acts with his friend’s characters. Friends who also sent him pornographic drawings of characters from video games. After we broke up, his page fairly exploded with all kinds of commissioned “art” of his character having sex with many of his “friend’s” characters. He always told me “It’s just a drawing, it’s not real!” But COME ON…asking a friend to draw an explicit sexual image of him and her? I can’t even imagine how that conversation would go.

        Before I went NC and was doing the pick me dance, I would tell him that he wants to be that character, he doesn’t want to be in reality. He would deny it up and down, but I know it’s true and has always been so. He is an escapist and he wants to be his character that has all the sex he wants with as many people he wants in as many ways he wants with no consequences.

        • Kara June 12, 2013, 1:59 pm

          Oh, and for some reason, all his characters had to have ENORMOUS penises. …Gee…I wonder why…that’s a head-scratcher there….

        • nomar June 12, 2013, 2:26 pm

          “to commission drawings of that character in various sex acts with his friend’s characters”

          Okay, I can’t top that, but when my serial cheater ex-wife married her final (?) affair partner, also her Guild Master, her brother in law painted a portrait of them as their WoW characters and proudly displayed it at the reception.

          Why-oh-why did I ever think it was a good idea to have kids with such a pitiful loser?

          • Kara June 12, 2013, 9:59 pm

            Oh my god, I’m totally thinking of the episode of How I Met Your Mother where Ted’s mom gets remarried to that hippie guy and he reveals a giant painting of them naked at the wedding. XD

          • Nord June 13, 2013, 12:23 am

            Wow, Nomar, WoW characters at their wedding? My 12 year old played WoW for about 6 months because his friends were into it…and then he realised just how stupid it was and went back to living a real life.

        • Violet June 12, 2013, 2:29 pm

          Geeeeez. How did you keep a straight face all those years?

        • DuckLinerUpper June 13, 2013, 8:04 am

          That is so bizarre. Commissioned art of his character having sex with other characters?! Wow. Just goes to show that gaming is a fantasy and sometimes people can get waaaayy too into it. Another note about the sexual part of gaming: I’ve noticed many of the characters are very sexual in the first place. Often “strip clubs” are a destination in these games, where you can earn “life” points and/or “health” when you sleep with prostitues. Fun times.

  • movingon51 June 12, 2013, 10:11 am

    Here’s my ex

    Age: 50 I’m in my prime, you know. got another 30-40 yrs to develop my optimal new life.(even though I’m on about 6 different meds to control cholesterol, high blood pressure, and high blood glucose and have to be monitored regularly!)
    Height: 6’1″ Numbers can be deceiving as I’m almost as wide as I am tall which makes me appear much shorter than I really am.
    Weight: 350lbs I look like I’m 9 mths pregnant with triplets, but don’t let that bother you…it’s a sign of success and wealth! My mantra is’ the bigger the better’ with everything. You on the other hand, better look after yourself and stay young and slim -looking. It’s important that you make me look good and successfull!
    Occupation: I’m a self-made man don’t you know? My business partner over there..don’t let him fool you, he steals my thunder all the time and makes me feel inferior, but everyone knows that I’m really the one who runs the show. I’ll cheat on him one day too and get rid of him!
    Hobbies/Interests: I have no real hobbies and interests other than me, and my business cause that’s who I AM. I eat, sleep, and breath my business and expect all others to as well. I get soooo much out of it! Everyone runs after me like a KING! And I love to DELEGATE- a good manager knows how to delegate EVERYTHING!!! Even at home. My time is worth so much more so gotta get the peons( wife and kids) jumping!
    Other than work, I love my cottage life, not for the good ole outdoors, the fishing, canoeing or spending quality time with the family, no the minute I get there I always like to go have drinks with the many other important, successful narcs on the lake. I just can’t get enough! They love and adore me and we drink ourselves silly, every weekend, feed each other kibbles and are the envy of all the other losers. We’re the cool, “in crowd” and you gotta be special to hang with us. Connections are everything, you know.

    My Perfect Mate: Well, I lost her about 3 yrs ago-she grew up, but it was a good run. About 23 yrs + 4 of dating. She finally caught on that it was all about me and it was always going to be all about me. ah well, got another one now, even dumber than the first, needy and desparate too! Single mom, who needs the funds, appreciates the lifestyle and an employee too. Got this one right where I want her. She’s on a real power high too, having bagged the boss and everyone at work resents her for it. Hey but she works for it, full-time at the business, and full-time at home. Got to keep her busy cause I like my freedom.
    Sex life: The only real sex I enjoy is illicit. The real thing is beneath me. yeah, I did my duty every so often to keep the little woman happy but I really don’t enjoy it or need it. And no Kisssing( did I mention I don’t like germs?) The shower, even better!

    • anotherErica June 12, 2013, 4:08 pm

      No kissing?? Doesn’t like sharing germs with the MOTHER OF HIS CHILDREN?!?

      • Moving on @51 June 13, 2013, 7:13 am

        No, isn’t that odd ? It runs in their family, I think. His mother would never even pick up her grandchildren even when they were babies and I could never understand that- it’s also the only ones she has. Does the old ‘power punch’ even now! No hugs, kisses … Makes us feel inferior, germy and dirty. But I’ve come to realize he was raised by a narcissist – they think everyone is beneath them!

  • DuckLinerUpper June 12, 2013, 10:59 am

    Age: Mentally? I’m 15, tops.

    Height: Tall enough to be really scary when I yell at you. But it’s great because you can always wear heels!

    Income: Enough to think that I have the toughest job in the whole word. Way tougher than yours. Since my income is harder-won, I’m going to spend it on whatever I want, even if we marry someday. K?

    Interests:
    Owning a house. I’m not into *helping* around the house, though. Even the “guy” stuff like mowing the lawn isn’t fun, is it? I’d rather hang out with the neighbors next door. While I’m there I can compare their house to ours and let you know how much better theirs is, when I get back home. By the way, the neighbor’s wife is so cool, didn’t you notice? Even their kids are more fun. Isn’t it great how fun-loving I am?

    I love video games, esp. first-person shooters. which I play full-volume, all night long. This may bother you at first (scary sound effects, plus me yelling when I score a point), but I know you’ll learn to love my PASSION, and understand that I can’t watch the kids because I am almost to the next level (it’ll only take *four* more hours). The kids will get used to screams/gunshots and gore on the big-screen in the living room, during dinnertime. I may yell at them if they walk into my view of the TV, try to talk with me, or make noise with their toys. But that’s just because I am so DEDICATED, which is a great trait to teach kids, don’t you know?

    I also love sitting on the couch, movie marathons EVERY weekend, eating out, flexing my muscles in the mirror, yelling at sports on TV, drinking, gambling and buying really expensive toys. For myself. So if you want to do these things, I’m in! Any day, any time! If you are swamped with housework/kids, don’t worry, I’ll go out with my friends. In fact, I’ll just go ahead and plan on spending a lot of time with my friends doing all of these things. And you won’t have to worry about where I am. I’ll come and go as I please. Don’t you love how easy-going I am?

    What I’m looking for: Someone who loves sex, when it’s convenient for me. If you’re asleep and I come home drunk at 2 a.m., I’m happy to wake you up. Even if you have a cold/flu, are exhausted from taking care of kids by yourself, or have to work the next day, don’t worry – sex will make you feel better. I promise. Anal is especially good for this, I’ve heard. If you’re not into anal, that’s okay, I’ll keep pestering you – forever. Because I love you so much. There’s my dedication again…..gotta love it! If I get bored, don’t worry, I’ll have sex with someone else. I’m such a great guy that I won’t even tell you about it, that way you won’t have to worry. Aren’t I nice?

    Mostly, I’m looking for someone *fun*, who doesn’t talk about life’s tasks such as paying bills, watching children, taking out the trash. I’m above that stuff. Also, someone who never questions me, EVER.

    Physically, I prefer blondes, but don’t die your hair just yet. My preferences change every five minutes, based on the latest movie I’ve seen, or what my friends think is hot at the moment.

    Religion: I am my own God. Who needs another?

    Future prospects: Undoubtedly, I’m going to win big at the Casino. I’ve already pre-decided whether I will take prizes or cash. If the casino doesn’t pan out, I have plans to sue someone, or sponge off someone else for the rest of my life. To me, this is the American Dream. Don’t you love how patriotic I am?

    Contact: I will respond to text or FB within .2 seconds because my phone is glued to me at all times. My female ho-workers text at all hours of the day and night, and I need to be ready to jettison off to the bar to meet them for drinks. What a good friend I am! Also, I play video games on my phone. There’s that dedication again! Plus online gambling. I’m so fun!

    • river June 12, 2013, 5:49 pm

      “I’d rather hang out with the neighbors next door. While I’m there I can compare their house to ours and let you know how much better theirs is, when I get back home. By the way, the neighbor’s wife is so cool, didn’t you notice?”

      Wow, you just reminded me of something that I totally forgot (or repressed). Every time we’d come back from a party, he’d be mad about how lame our kitchen (or bathroom, or garage, or toaster, or whatever) was, and of course it was all my fault, and I’d honestly feel a bit guilty. Lordy, how I don’t miss that feeling.

    • Anne June 13, 2013, 1:41 am

      In general, my ex is just like you described; brings back sickening memories. They are so entitled.

  • Chumpalicious June 12, 2013, 12:20 pm

    Name’s David. KING David. (did I already mention my throne?) Looking for my very own Bathsheba to get all Biblical with, if you know what I mean. You HAVE to be married because I really get off on doing other men dirty. It’s the ultimate exercise in power. Plus the whole forbidden fruit/purloined love thing is super intense for me. If it was just about sex, I’d jerk off in the shower in the morning. That’s how I know it will be LOVE sweet LOVE between us. Don’t worry about the adultery thing — I’ve got that covered! “Christians aren’t perfect, just forgiven!” See? Everybody buys it. They have to, because I’m KING.

    Once we are bonded together by overwhelming infatuation neurochemistry, I will let you handle all my business financial affairs so that you can see just what the payoff will be once we get rid of my controlling bitch wife who refuses to submit to what a good Biblical wife should be. Not like you who will cater to my every need and desire and never question my biblically granted authority regarding anything, especially raising our love child, who, as you know, will be super special.

    Oh, about that money thing — while I’ll let you see every last detail, and I need your help sleuthing out just where my wife has been stealing from me, you have to understand that it’s only my signature EVER that will be on the business checks. You’ll get a nice allowance, don’t worry. We can even write it off taxes by calling it a salary if you just help out a teensy bit with the paperwork from my business!

    Only hot, young, good looking Bathshebas need apply. That’s the whole point!

    • Kara June 12, 2013, 2:15 pm

      The worst kind of narcissist is the kind that tries to use religion to justify their selfishness.

      • Chumpalicious June 12, 2013, 2:37 pm

        Yeah, it doesn’t seem to be going over too well with the kids.

        Oh, well. Can’t be a prophet in your own home town! (that’s Biblical too, natch)

      • Red June 20, 2013, 11:38 am

        Wow – that one hit me right between the eyes! My ex not only converted to OW’s religion, he became a DEACON in her church – as if prosthelytizing would absolve him of his sins.

        “Worst kind of narcissist,” indeed!

  • Lyn June 12, 2013, 12:53 pm

    Age: Totally bald but I’ve still got it and know you want it.

    Height: I’m tall, trim, and muscular because I work out a lot to catch the babes.

    Income: I make a lot, but it’s mine. If we have kids you need a good job so you can support them. I need lots of stuff because I want it, and I work for my money so it’s mine to spend. Don’t get carried away with the concept of “we.”

    Interests: Horses. I like horses. I like horses so much that I actually prefer them over people. I will take free horses that people give me, and I’ll plan to sell them but I never will. They’ll collect on our property for years but I’ll never actually do the things I tell you I’m going to do with them. They will basically become pasture ornaments that will cost a lot to feed and care for, but as long as I have pastures full of them I’m okay. Some day I’m going to race one of them and it will win the Kentucky Derby, then I’ll be rich and can buy more horses. Oh, and I also like fast cars. I deserve them.

    What I’m looking for: Horse women. I like women with big, shiny belt buckles that I can polish against my belly when we’re dancing. I like to watch horse women ride braless on top of horses so I can watch their boobs bounce. Oh, and I like sex. All the time, anywhere, even in public parks. It’s really all about what I like. Applicants should have blonde hair, blue eyes, and be young enough to make me forget how old I am.

    Contact: I prefer contact with people I work with. Whether I work for you, or you work for me, I just love working because that’s where I get the most contact.

    • Violet June 12, 2013, 1:46 pm

      Good one!

    • Chumpalicious June 12, 2013, 2:38 pm

      Uh-oh. I think I know that guy………

  • Margo June 12, 2013, 12:54 pm

    Age: In my 40’s – so as long as you are younger, you’re my kind of woman! My ex was 3 years older which made her smarter and I couldn’t stand it which is why I called her stupid all the time.

    Health: A few years ago my doctor told me that I was the healthiest fat man he knew. That gave me no reason to alter my health habits or loose the 100lbs or so I needed to. When we go out to dinner, you can get the petit filet
    with veggies while you watch me eat the appetizer of mozzarella sticks, large ceasare salad, overstuffed baked potato and the large 20 ounce king cut prime rib, slathered in creamy horseradish sauce. Also be aware that I am a hypochondriac. If I get the slightest cough or runny nose that trumps your pneumonia. I expect you to take complete care of me while you suffer. I run to the ER a lot so you’ll need to learn the doctors names and settle in for the long haul when we get there. I like to do all I can to get out of obligations and work, so sick days are sketched in on my calendar. I can’t work longer than 6 weeks in a row before I need some time off. But since I have FMLA, I won’t loose my job. I just use the system.

    Interests: Anything that centers around me. Most nights I just come home from work, eat and lay in bed complaining about some health issue, but really its just a way for me to get out of spending time with my family or doing things around the house. If I date you, I will be willing to hang out, go to the movies, hang at the bar, ride my bike, take long walks and l will spend all night talking with you, so you can see the real me, warm, sensitive and caring .

    Income: I don’t make as much money as I wish I did. I could easily make more if my company wasn’t always trying to screw me over. They do it constantly to me. I call the union leader all the time. I’m sure he gets excited when he sees my number pop up on his phone, because everyone loves me. Although I don’t make a lot of money I over spend every month. I tap MAC, run up credit cards and buy other people things so I can “look good” to the outside world. I’m not really concerned if there isn’t enough for the cable, the electric or even the mortgage, as long as the cell phone bill is paid. You’ll figure it out for me.

    What I am looking for: Eye candy so all the guys will be jealous of me and tell me how lucky you are to be with me. Then I can flaunt you on my arm. You also need to be smart, but not smarter than me. That won’t be hard. You also need to be extremely responsible. Everyone thinks that I am, but in reality I don’t have a clue. You’ll need to know how to write a check and balance a checkbook. I still haven’t quite figured that out. I hope you have an I-phone – then you’ll be able to help me with that too. I figured out how to get the sports scores sent to it but I still need my 11 year old to figure out how to google directions. Basically what I am looking for is a sexy woman who can take care of my needs like a mom. Just don’t expect anything in return.

    One more thing – make sure you have sunglasses cuz I sparkle 24/7!

    • DuckLinerUpper June 12, 2013, 1:11 pm

      “Basically what I am looking for is a sexy woman who can take care of my needs like a mom. Just don’t expect anything in return.”

      Yep, that pretty much sums it all up (also for my STBX as well).

  • ex-Chump June 12, 2013, 2:09 pm

    Hey baby! I’m 54 but look 45, or on a good day 30ish. I’m an actor, musician, comedian, voice over talent. I am considered handsome and very masculine. Your friends will probably recognize me from a sitcom I was on. I thrive on applause. My career is a lifestyle choice, one that I am fully committed to.

    You must be financially and emotionally independent because I travel at least ten days a month for business or fun with my buddies.

    As an artist, I just don’t earn enough to live the life I deserve. So I’m looking for a partner who earns a minimum of $150,000k a year and is a sensible planner. I have a hands-off approach to managing investments, airline points, vacation planning, bills, home maintenance and things like that. I’m sure you will do a much better job with the details.

    I decided many years ago that I did not want children. I’m not up for the responsibility. Plus really, are the rewards worth the effort? I never felt like I missed out, but to be honest my ex does. If you have kids, don’t worry about me getting in the way. If they are around, I’ll pop off to my apartment in the City or hang with a buddy.

    I stay fit with serious cycling and skiing. I’m obsessed with cycling. When the Le Tour de France is on, don’t expect me to miss a moment – for anything. I must ride one of my 14 bikes every day for mental health. It’s a bummer if I have to go on an audition. Rides take up most of the day, but you can count on me to be home for dinner, totally starved. (Hint: I love homemade baked goods.)

    I ride in the winter as well, but amp up the fun during ski season. My goal is to hit the slopes four days a week. With my fitness regime, you will have plenty of time to work on your own hobbies.

    I’m one of those rare guys that likes to shop. I’ve been called a straight guy with a gay eye. I spend lots of time looking for vintage hipster clothing and accessories – I need a lot of different outfits for auditions and show clothes. I require a big closet, so I will apologize right now if you have to give up some space. Bonus points if you already have a house with his and hers walk-in closets.

    When it comes to my space, I like things “just so”, and spend a lot of time and energy decorating the house. You’ll love what I can do with a room, everyone loves my craftsman style. I like showing off my latest home, or remodeling project. I’m pretty handy building things, and when the professionals I hire mess up, I can step in and fix it. That way, we won’t have to pay them as much. I’ll let you sort out the financial details.

    If you are the type of person to kick off your shoes in the middle of the room, leave dishes in the sink, collect crap, or move items to different places – I’m letting you know right now that it drives me nuts. I have to leave for a few hours to cope. I won’t tell you where I am going or when I will be back. I keep my phone off and return messages at my convenience, and I don’t text.

    I am seriously fun to spend time with. I love to be the center of attention and make everyone laugh. I have lots of friends of both sexes calling to hang out. I’m spontaneous and relaxed; up for getting away if you can clear your schedule. If not, no worries, I make friends wherever I go.

    You’ll find me chatting up tiny girls, with long dark hair, big boobs, and big bank accounts. Can you dig it?

    • Laurel June 12, 2013, 10:26 pm

      don’t tell me. They’re tiny girls so that your dick looks bigger, right?

      • ex-Chump June 13, 2013, 10:10 am

        Yes. And he shaves for that extra visual inch.

  • Kristina L June 12, 2013, 2:58 pm

    Hmmm let’s see…

    Age: It depends on the hour and who Im trying to lure in and lie to (I like either fun trashy girls or older women). Im really 24. Arent you impressed on how well rounded and mature I am for my age? You should be impressed. Yeah Im way above my age level and, let’s be honest, Im above yours as well. Sure I cant even make a commitment to a car but I’m way more mature and you need me. And sure I say Im going back to school then dont or buy a house then want to sell it or commit to you then dont; but thats not my fault, its my ex’s. All my failures are because of her and she never understood me. Arent you impressed? I am (but dont tell anyone).

    Height: Not as tall as my secret narc ego. And who cares about height anyways (even though Im 6’0 and confident Im better than any other 6’5 guy) I can kick anyone’s ass because I have a bad ass temper and I like to show it. Be scared, be very scared (I like that in people). But I’m a great person! Everyone says so. Arent you impressed? I am (but dont tell anyone).

    Income: I actually do quite well for my age but its never enough. I want more, more everything! Sometimes I can afford to wine and dine you and me (but thats when Im on my high) and feel like a million bucks and sometimes I’m struggling to pay my bills, but dont ask why! I dont like questions, just sympathy…. and sex. Hell, I was 21 when I bought my own house. Arent you impressed? I am, and yes that you can tell people because it makes me look good.

    Interests: ANYTHING. If youre into it, Im into it; but only for a while because then you have to be into me. Sure you can still have your interests, but not at the expense of me. I change my interests like I change my uderwear. Whatever is new flashy and exciting. Whatever will make my norm look boring. I looove going out, but only usually for a month at a time, then I hate everyone. But then Ill like it again, dont worry. But most of all, Im into YOU. Tell me about yourself! Im very caring. I can tell you understand me, unlike my ex-fiance, she never understood me. You are so special! Lets make plans together! Im also interested in all the attention I can get. When Im in a bad mood (which lets be honest, can come any time and last for any amount of time and it could be just because i sneezed wrong)dont talk! Just have sex with me, rub me cuddle me. If you dont listen then your in for a rude awakening; Ill either cheat, scream in your face or hit things should you dare to press a conversation. But arent you impressed how into you I am and how great of a guy I am and how put together I am? I am (but dont tell anyone).

    Contact: Ill contact you. You dont need to lift a finger! For now… then youll have to work for me and prove to me and my awesomeness. Oh and if you see my ex in my phone dont worry about it, SHE’S calling ME. As for other girls, I cant get rid of them! Its never my fault! Told you Im awesome! Arent you impressed? I am (but dont tell anyone). Now hold me and make me feel like the center of the world!

  • Roslyn June 12, 2013, 3:56 pm

    OK, I’ve never posted before but I couldn’t pass up this exercise. Too funny!

    Age: 57, but I look 67, drive like I’m 97 and act like I am 27.

    Height: 5’10.” Most people think I am taller than that because I only weigh 130 pounds.

    Income: Six figures, but it should be more because I went to an Ivy League School. Another problem is, my law partner is way overpaid, partly because she introduced me to my “friend” and Life Coach (who is her best friend). Actually, my partner was also my “friend” a long time ago, when we started the law practice, so I need to keep her happy even though she hardly ever works. When the three of us (partner, Life Coach and myself) jointly decided to divorce our respective spouses my newly single partner needed a step-up in income so I took care of her and still do. It feels good to have women depending on me. Then there’s my ex-wife who was an attorney with MY firm for 10 years before the divorce and at her age (56) it’s tough to find alternate employment in the legal business. She didn’t want to work in the same office with me and my partner after the divorce so I’ve got to rent separate office space for her. She actually does do work so she’s not really costing me money, but even though I like taking care of women, having her around is a real buzz-killer for the rest of us.

    Interests: My interests have greatly evolved in the last five years. I used to be a middle-aged married man with three successful young-adult children and a wife, busy building my law firm and living a pretty typical suburban life. What a tool. Then I met my “friend,” and Life Coach who has helped me to get in touch with my inner self and to self-actualize. I’m planning to live forever, so one of the things I like to do is read books about mens’ health and aging. I found books full of mental games designed to keep seniors’ minds sharp because a busy law practice doesn’t exercise my brain enough. Did I mention that I went to an Ivy League School? The type of brain that requires is hard to maintain at peak capacity unless you work at it constantly. Anyway, I really like those books. I also run a lot, and work with my trainer at the gym, and play squash. They play a lot of squash at Ivy League Schools and when you play squash you meet a lot of Ivy Leaguers. I’m also very interested in the careers of my Ivy League classmates and love to ponder whether I am more or less successful than they are. My “friend” is younger than their wives so I figure that gives me a leg up on them, even the ones who are CEO’s of Fortune 500 companies. I’m really interested in living a cosmopolitan lifestyle in a large city and going to and chairing lavish charity galas but my law practice in the Midwest is not very portable. I’ve got so many women depending on that practice (the partner, the “friend” and the ex-wife) that I am still noodling how to make that transition.
    What I’m Looking For: I need someone who understands me and appreciates just how smart and well educated I am. Someone who is not smart or well-educated herself because someone as smart as I am isn’t suitably awed by my specialness. She should, however, know what an Ivy League School is. Bonus points for someone who is a mind reader; who has a sixth sense for knowing what I like and don’t like. Other pluses: Someone who doesn’t require constant, or frequent, or even sporadic communication, unless your most favorite method of communication is sex. Someone who is young. Finally, someone who does not eat, I hate it when women eat and really like it when they don’t eat because they know it bugs me. That demonstrates their commitment to me in the most awesome way.

    Contact: Don’t call me, I’ll call you. See sentence in preceding paragraph re: communication.

    • Chumpalicious June 12, 2013, 7:05 pm

      Sorry sonny, I think you’re going to have to set your sights lower. Try advertising for a live in maid who won’t eat in front of you and doesn’t care where you went to school as long as her paycheck is regular. They know who butters their bread sez Ahnold Schwartzenegger.

    • Datdamwuf June 12, 2013, 9:17 pm

      love your “age” section Roslyn

      • Suzanne June 12, 2013, 10:47 pm

        Me, too. I laughed so hard I swear I did a spit take.

        • Nord June 13, 2013, 12:35 am

          Loved that as well. Might nick it, actually.

    • Lyn June 13, 2013, 7:42 am

      I had to laugh at this because it sounds like my ex: “Someone who doesn’t require constant, or frequent, or even sporadic communication, unless your most favorite method of communication is sex.”

  • Tamara June 12, 2013, 8:46 pm

    OK… this is the one thing I wish the EX would just come out and tell people (who knows, maybe he does.) Because this is what he tells me about his dating.

    Who I’m looking for:
    I had the Love of My Life… and she left me. I did some despicable things, I cheated and lied, but I’ve changed. People can change! I will NEVER do that again, I swear. She won’t believe me, and it kills me every day. If you could just come touch me, hold me. Help me get over this, I can’t make it on my own. I need someone to take care of me, so I can adore them… for a while anyway. It would help if you can cook and be great at legal matters. She always did, and I’m really looking for someone who is just as kind hearted and gullible as her.

    I don’t have many interests anymore. I have lots and lots of fishing gear, but I rarely use it… I’m just too devastated. It doesn’t matter that I haven’t used it in YEARS, despite living in Florida, I’ve had a tough life. You wouldn’t understand. I will support your interests, though. I’ll even join you. Heck, I will even tell you exactly what you’re doing wrong and how you can improve even without ever having done it before, that’s how much I can care. I’m a giver. Sometimes I give too much, I know.

    I need to be saved.. kinda like a puppy. YOU and your warm embrace (he actually uses words like this) could save me, I know it.

    • Kristina L June 12, 2013, 10:32 pm

      Tamara,
      Were we with the same person(see my post earlier in the day)??? I too live in FL and whenever he was upset all he wanted was to be held or rubbed… I’ve never heard of a man wanting that! But God forbid you don’t give it to him then it’s your fault that he cheats bc all of his problems could have gone away if you just shut up and held me! Not to mention he is still trying to come back and “would give anything to be with me and start over even though he is putting the house we lived in for sale and basically living with his 31 yr old whatever she is. He even called me when he was at her house!

      • Moving on @51 June 13, 2013, 7:23 am

        It’s like they try to make you their mother and then they have need for a girlfriend !

        • Kristina L June 13, 2013, 8:03 am

          Tell me about it! He is never satisified even though he says he is and then you do something to make that change. Seriously who the hell leaves and says to never call him again and two weeks later says he’d give anything to be back together and he’ll leave her but that night is over her house?! We’ve been dating since we were 16 (24 now) and were engaged and I think I was able to forgive him because I didnt know as much as I do now! Still working on believing that he sucks (realistically I should be there by now consider how many times he has cheated!) But its hard because he never truly loses his sparkly side, it just goes away and then comes back.

        • DuckLinerUpper June 13, 2013, 8:26 am

          Bingo. Then they want to be the “father” boss of the household, but without doing the rest of the work that goes along with it. The rest of the time, they want to be the teenage boy. Yay. Fun.

  • anudi June 13, 2013, 7:44 am

    Guess, a lot of chumps know who is current AP/ wife or husband of their ex. A therapeutic would be description of the mess (karma) they have created, when they got together too :)

    • Kristina L June 13, 2013, 8:19 am

      Yes, and get this… the 31 year old is a therapist! theyve known eachother for 1 month and he already has a key to her house and planned to move in! She’s already seen him get into a fist fight and he asks her for Zanex (according to him she already had a reason to Baker Act him). But I guess that’s what he likes, she “understands” him. And Im sure the fact that he’s giving her his undivided attention helps along with taking her out every night. As the saying goes, I guess even some of the best gardeners have gardens full of weeds!

  • Eddie the WTF dude of 49 days June 13, 2013, 9:01 am

    Age: 33. But I have an old soul. Because of this I’m especially comfortable around men 45-55 years old who have money and status. For whatever reason, I just seem to gravitate towards them. We have a “special” connection.

    Height: 5’11”. Don’t worry if I’m taller than you. When I’m on my back we look eye to eye.

    Income: I work for a non-profit so I don’t make a lot of money. But this gives me access to a donor base of older men that do. Think of me in terms of community service in your home. I’m going to take up all your time, money, energy and all the goodness of your heart and instead of sharing this on some anonymous needy family in town, you get to waste it all on me!

    Kids: I have 3 but don’t worry about them because I never do. My first husband has them half time and my oldest is 14 so I’m available all the time. I love being a mother and I’d like more kids even if you don’t want anymore. It’s so hard to remember to take that pesky pill every day. How many? Idk. Maybe a Bakers Dozen? Kids are such a wonderful resource. When I cheat on you and divorce you 2-3 years from now, I’ll not only get half of your shit but you will be financially tied to me for life!

    Interests: I have no core identity so my favorite things are whatever your favorite things are. It could be NASCAR or cockfighting. It doesn’t matter as long as I’m not paying for it. I also have no moral compass so I’m good to go with girl/girl and 3 way sex.

    Travel. I love to travel especially if you are paying for it! Did I mention I went to Hawaii twice in 9 months? First with my fiancee and then after we were married with another man 100 days after our wedding.

    Goals: Sitting in a porch swing drinking wine. (I’m not making this one up!) Drinking more wine and becoming a Stepford Wife.

    What I’m looking for: Lot’s of money and a big house. Looks and appearance mean nothing to me. I’m not that shallow. I like being a trophy wife and love is blind.

    Contact: Trust me, I’ll find you.

    SW

    • Violet June 13, 2013, 9:37 am

      Your “Height” description made me guffaw.

      • Kay H June 13, 2013, 1:28 pm

        Me too! I laughed out loud, which wasn’t good since I was sitting at my desk at work.

        You are hysterical Eddie. Your wife is an idiot.

      • Red June 20, 2013, 11:55 am

        I also laughed at the height description. Funny!

    • Irene June 13, 2013, 11:25 pm

      Boy did that resonate with me, Eddie. No moral compass, no core identity (I got “I’ve realized I’m a chameleon”), no care about the kids…blarg. Working my way to meh!

  • Eddie the WTF dude of 49 days June 13, 2013, 1:51 pm

    Thanks Violet and Kay H!

    This was sooooooooo much fun! Gallows humor is very cathartic.

  • Oatey June 13, 2013, 2:17 pm

    Age: 44, but I’m Asian, so I’ll always pass for 39 so that’s what I tell people Height: 5′ (Actually 4’11” but that sounds so un-sexy, plus I’m always in heels. I’ll even keep them on in bed for you!)
    Income: Not much, I work two very low paying jobs, but one is at a cute boutique and the other is as a hostess in a very nice restaurant. Both enable me to hob-knob with a classier level of society, and to show off my legs in my super-short skirts. I don’t worry too much about money, I have several credit cards that I got after I left my husband and my credit rating was good thanks to him (I always hated how he made sure we stayed out of debt, no fun!). Not sure what I’m going to do in the near future, I’ve almost maxed them out, maybe bankruptcy? So you need to be a very high wage earner.
    Interests: Dressing to attract as much male attention as possible, flirting, buying clothes and shoes, gourmet food, pinterest, my phone (love texting!), sleeping late and keeping contact with my daughter to under 10 hours a week.
    Looking for: Someone who will constantly validate my attractiveness, artistic ability, cooking prowess, sense of humor and intelligence. You must make lots of money and not mind that whatever validation you give me will never be enough, so I will be forced to have other men who will also provide validation, it’s a bottomless pit really. And oddly it only satisfies me for a very short time, then I get sad :(
    Contact: I’m living with an older, balding, overweight, underemployed guy with sleep apnea and ED at the moment, so we’ll have to be discreet. I have a lot of practice with that through the Ashley Madison website which I used to hook up with guys when I was married to my husband. Texting would be perfect, especially in the presence of the guy I’m living with. I like to keep him on his toes, a little jealousy spices things up, right?

  • Lina June 13, 2013, 8:58 pm

    Hey Babe! Can I call you Babe? With my STBXW, my daughters, female co-workers, and the girlfriends…calling you all Babe is easier on me.

    Age: Late 30’s (mentally and emotionally I am still 12)

    Physical: 6’4″ and 225…fifteen years ago. I’m a little over 225 at the moment. (125+ pounds over) I love that I am bigger than you because “big” means control, I like to control things.

    Career: I have bad luck with jobs (8+ in last 15 years) because I always end up having to work with “idiots”. I hate my current job as a detention officer but I do enjoy the control, I mean “supervision” that I have over the inmates. I even volunteer to supervise the new officers that are in training (mostly single mothers) so I can control, I mean “help” them as well. True, without my STBXW’s income I don’t make much money but when any of my imaginary businesses (my fishing guide career, my gun range, my ammunition company, my home remodeling company, my auto detailing company) get up and going…WOW! Perhaps until then you have family members who can hook me up with jobs like my STBXW did. (Better for you to explain to family why I was picked on and fired, yet again.)

    Interest: Collecting…guns, hallowed out grenades, knives, swords, medieval weapons, ammunition, horror movie mask (The Predator is my hero), tools, hunting gear, fishing gear, the “in” clothes, the “in” shoes, watches, jewelry (I like shiny things), sports cars that I like to customize. (I have bad luck with cars, wrecked 4, totally not my fault) What do you collect because I probably want to collect that too. On my days off I like to sleep until 3 or 4 in the afternoon. (I require lots of sleep) I like to play the newest “in” video games. I like all kinds of porn. I watch anything that is “in”. I listen to any music that is “in”. On occasion, I like to start home improvement projects, for you to finish. (I like starting things) I have this other little hobby that I call “people watching”. Did you know that I can figure anyone out, like what they are thinking or feeling, if I just observe them long enough. It is a gift I have perfected ;)

    Odd little quirks: I do have a bit of a temper and I have been known to break things, throw things, and yell as loud as I can. This gives you the opportunity to learn how to calm me down because I can’t do it myself. (My STBXW was a expert at this) For some reason I never loose my temper this way with other men, only women, teens and children. I don’t do housework, yard work, pay bills, or take care of children. I get in these moods and you will need to be with me and hold me. (I love you so much I don’t even want you to leave the room.) Sometimes I get in these other moods and now I hate you so I’m going to ignore and punish you. Learn to anticipate my moods and know that they can last weeks at a time. I am playful but my STBXW was too small and sensitive to understand my playfulness. I hope you don’t mind me using the detention officer “holds” I learned on you. Or tampering with your birth control when you start to catch on to what I really am. Crazy? Like I tell my STBXW “Boyfriends get jealous, husbands get crazy.” You see, I WAS a compulsive liar, serial cheater, and thief *but that was all my STBXW’s fault.* I would never do that with you Babe.

    Requirements: A house for me to live in, a car for me to drive, and money to keep it all going. Basically a mother, that I can have sex with. *Bonus points if you can text me cute little quotes to make me fell justified in seeing my children only 2 hours in the last 7 months.*

    Contact: My roommate/special friend/co-worker (that I’m totally not in a relationship with) is a little jealous, and I just started a new hobby (acting as my own attorney and dragging out the divorce my STBXW filed for) so I will contact you Babe.

  • Gini June 13, 2013, 10:53 pm

    Age: 47, but I don’t look it because I’m one hipster of a stylish dresser. I wear skinny jeans and big white puffy tennis shoes like rappers wear.
    Physical: 5″9 but my drivers license says 5″10 because I think that sounds better. Besides, I don’t think that nurse in the doctor’s office measured me right. Hair, yeah, well, I don’t have much of that anymore. I tried that hairclub for men thing and that cat on top of my head didn’t quite work out. But don’t bother about that. I more than make up for that in other areas. Har! Har!
    Hobbies: Porn, jacking off to porn, having you jack me off to porn. And bj’s. But, you WILL have to swallow. Non-swallowers need not apply.
    What I’m looking for: Foreign-born Asian chicks, 10 years younger than me. Why? Because my well-traveled buddy told me that they are submissive to their men and will pretty much do whatever you tell them. Oh, yeah, and they don’t get fat and they age gracefully. Also, you must not have children and must NEVER have children. I like my own kids but I’m not going through that shit again. I will not make you cook, clean or do laundry like I made my bitch ex-wife do for 20 years and we won’t have any kids under foot so you can throw grapes in my mouth and concentrate on, well….ME!! Now, you will have to run 3 miles a day to keep your figure. I like real skinny women. And don’t think about cutting your hair because I like to yank long hair.
    Income: I make 6 figures but I’m having to pay to put 2 kids through college so there won’t be a whole lot of extra money for several years. But, the kids aren’t going to be living with us so, baby, I can live the life I should’ve lived in my 20’s! I told my kids that too! Nevermind, they were both born when I was in my late 20’s. They’re old enough to understand this is my time to LIVE!!
    Odd quirks: I have to brush my teeth and wash my face EVERY time after I eat. Even if we are driving down the freeway, I have to find a place to stop to do this.
    Friends: I have parted ways with all of the friends that I had before. You know, the ones that knew that old hag of mine? I found a new Chinese friend to hang out with and I will introduce you to his family so you will not feel so homesick.

    • Hope49 June 15, 2013, 12:31 pm

      ThatGirl, the friends part is SO interesting. They part with their past ‘friends’ because they DON’T want to be judged! There were many people who liked you, respected you and STBXH doesn’t want to feel ‘shamed’ or to feel that HE didn’t do anything wrong of course giving you a giant shit sandwich.

  • Kara June 14, 2013, 12:10 am

    I kind of want to create dating profiles for the AP’s now XD

    • Brinn June 14, 2013, 9:05 am

      I am so on board with that!

  • ThatGirl June 15, 2013, 2:51 am

    I am late to this post but had to add mine:

    Age: 50. But I am NOT having a midlife crisis. I am in my peak. I look Gooooood!

    Height: 6’2″. And my feet are 10.5″. My other body parts are in proportion. Would you like to see pictures? One of my new hobbies is to send pictures out indiscriminately, all you have to do is ask! You will NOT be disappointed, I promise.

    Income: I don’t want to brag or anything, but I own my own company…more about that later.

    Interests: I have a newfound love for technology! Internet, skype, live chat, videocams, webcams, IM, texting, all things cell phone and computer. I love technology so much that I started collecting email addresses (for myself! One can not have too many). I also have a new love for photography, I especially like to take pictures of myself *wink*. I love to travel. Of course, it is all for work. Did I mention that I own my own company? Yes, I need to travel all the time….so I may only be able to see you when I am passing through your town, on my way to my next meeting. Trust me, this is all work related. I wish I could spend more time with YOU. Did I mention that I am a good story teller and I could write a book someday? I once convinced this woman that I moved to another country for over 5 years, in order to manage down those pesky expectations she began to have. How else could I explain my prolonged absences (for work) ?

    Looking for: I am looking for my SOUL MATE! I know you are out there. I’ve been looking real hard for you, but in the mean time, until I find you, I will have to make do with Craigs List, Ashley Madison and my other favorite dating websites. Once I find you, prepare to be love-bombed by me until you love me with utter devotion! But then, I might have to move to another country….you know, for work.

    Contact: You can answer one of my dating profiles, I check my emails from those on a regular basis. Don’t forget to ask for pictures! I want to see yours, too. Once we make contact, I will text you and we can set something up….I’ll let you know when I’m going to be in town.

  • Stacey June 15, 2013, 10:34 pm

    Age: Early 40’s, but I look and act much, much younger-haha! I look so good because I take care of myself, I put lotion on my face several times every day. Some people say I’m obsessive about it, I say it’s just caring about me. (Actual age 47)

    Height: A very tall 6ft, especially if I stand up tall and puff out, makes me seem even bigger especially when I get “passionate” about something.

    Income: I fly a 747-400 all over the world, I make good money but my cu%# of an ex-wife is trying to bleed me dry, but I’m showing her though, not paying what I owe, even the court has a hard time catching up to me. But don’t you worry your pretty little head about money, I will do ALL the finances, I’ll let you have 1 credit card with a very low limit that is always maxed out, I’ll never bother you with petty things like how much money is in the bank, how much I took out when I refinanced my house 3 times without my wife knowing, taking away your debit card when I feel like you may be tempted to overspend on something frivolous like groceries or diapers for my kids, and we can play hide and seek with the checkbook, that’s one of my favorite games.

    Interests: I like a variety of things, I am “passionate” about things with engines, they don’t necessarily have to be in working condition, because I’m going to fix them up and then they’ll be even better. But, let’s see now, my current collection (current right this minute, because I add to it quite often, kinda like a whim, except I’m serious about my things-cause I’m only getting them for my kids to have when they get older because I didn’t get shit when I was a kid, my parents never gave me anything, even though my kids are very, very young they’ll thank me when they’re older) anyway, see what a caring, thoughtful daddy I am, even though I have a no contact order to see or speak to my kids right now because my cu%# of an ex-wife and her asshole lawyer have the judge in their back pocket, my kids love me and miss me and cry for me every night, I know this even though I have not seen them or spoke to them in 6 months. Ah yes, my collection, it started with clothes, I love shoes, watches, belts, handmade suits from these beautiful little Chinese girls who give foot massages for $5 (happy ending extra-haha) , my 2 motorcycles, 1 truck, 3 boats, 2 jetskis, 4 cars, 1 Army deuce and a half truck (to carry my minions when I finally get them-haha), 1 airplane, my big green egg (I cook for my whole neighborhood and anyone who happens to drive by and is willing to slow down long enough for me to invite them-free booze, free food, they love me!, I am the most generous person they have ever met), I collect porn, all kinds, all the time, on my TV, my phone, my ipad, my computer, DVD’s, any and all-even tranny stuff, even though that’s just to look at tits on a dude, I’m not ever looking at the guy, and I have my personal collection, tons of pics of any female that will send me a closeup of her “V” and her tits, and my vast collection of pics of my own dick, it’s really spectacular and big, want some-haha.

    I like to buy you stuff, you know stuff that will help improve you, not that you’re not ok now, but everyone could use some help. I’ll help you by getting you things that I really like, very high heels, extremely low cut tops, big push-up bras-I love for other men to see the titties I have available to me anytime I want ‘em, very short skirts-ditch the panties, I like having 24hr access-haha, everything 2 sizes too small, I’ll show you how to wear your hair and make-up. I’ll actually give you tips and helpful hints on every aspect of everything all the time, there’s always a more efficient and better way of doing things and I’ll teach you them.

    What I’m looking for: Well, for starters, someone who will understand me, who will help me, who will be someone I can count on, someone who will stand beside me, someone who’s not afraid when I get “passionate” about things-and filing a pesky restraining order, like my cu%# of an ex-wife, someone who knows I’m to be valued, I’m to be cherished, I’m to be loved, I’m to be worshipped, I’m to be admired, I’m to be adored-just like my mother and my grandmother told me my whole life.

    Contact: I can give you my secret cell phone number to call me when I’m not with the person I’m currently fucking, or I can give you my real number but that’s only for texting and make sure you text me those close-up’s of your “V”-that will get my attention faster-haha, or I can give you one of my 3 secret email address-photos also encouraged here and will get you a faster response, or you can friend me on Facebook, but that’s only until we become involved then I will have to unfriend you and block you just in case you start to turn into some crazy, jealous, psycho that has to know every little thing I’m doing all the time and question why I have all these random women as my “friends”, I got enough of that shit from my X.

    WOW, I can’t begin to describe how great that felt! Thank you, thank you Chump Lady!!

  • Jane June 16, 2013, 2:06 pm

    Age 51…I don’t lie about my age, just everything else.
    Height 5’2″

    I’m an ex marine who thinks women are stupid bitches and if it wouldn’t make me gay, I’d prefer to date a man. I’m strong and rugged. I’ve had a lot of interesting jobs of which I will tell you about over and over again. Did I mention that I was strong? I am funny and can be very charming. I know all the right things to do, in order to suck you in. I like to shop, for myself. I buy the same thing over and over again. Always trying to trade up. My terrible with money but I make a lot of it.

    What am I looking for? Big Boobs, someone who isn’t too pretty so that you are amazed that I am interested in you!! Someone who’s credit cards aren’t max out (like my ex wife’s) and who’s credit history is good (like my ex wife’s was when she met me.) Be prepared to be 4th or maybe 5th in line in importance, after myself, my Mommy and anyone else in my family who may need something.

    Did I mention I am strong?

  • Jane June 16, 2013, 2:07 pm

    Age 51…I don’t lie about my age, just everything else.
    Height 5’2″

    I’m an ex marine who thinks women are stupid bitches and if it wouldn’t make me gay, I’d prefer to date a man. I’m strong and rugged. I’ve had a lot of interesting jobs of which I will tell you about over and over again. Did I mention that I was strong? I am funny and can be very charming. I know all the right things to do, in order to suck you in. I like to shop, for myself. I buy the same thing over and over again. Always trying to trade up. My terrible with money but I make a lot of it.

    What am I looking for? Big Boobs, someone who isn’t too pretty so that you are amazed that I am interested in you!! Someone who’s credit cards aren’t max out (like my ex wife’s) and who’s credit history is good (like my ex wife’s was when she met me.) Be prepared to be 4th or maybe 5th in line in importance, after myself, my Mommy and anyone else in my family who may need something.

  • bosdad June 17, 2013, 12:26 am

    rally squirrel,

    i think we may have been married, or in a relationship with the same squirrel. when the lights go down and you’re driving from gig to/two/too gig there’s a come to jesus discussion that this is as good as it gets. and the conversation always ends the same way: this is as good as it gets. my beloved tried to do something for 40 consecutive hours. no not that. but fucker didn’t have the balls to try for 48. a real man would have gone all the way and closed the deal for two/to/too FULL days.

    i am glad my ex is gone. nothing more than a bobble head singing The Candy Man.

  • Fiona June 21, 2013, 5:59 pm

    These comments are so funny :)

Leave a Comment

%d bloggers like this: