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Write a Dating Profile for Your Ex

douchebaagAfter Eddie’s letter yesterday, (the poor guy who got a DDay 49 days into his marriage), I thought, God that woman sounds like such a bottom feeder…. she’d be perfect for my ex. I wish I could fix them up.

I realize that probably wouldn’t work, because cheaters choose chumps. We’re better kibbles. (Fellow narcissists don’t make for very good kibbles.) Getting two wing nuts together is like two negatively charged magnets that repel each other.

But fellow narcissists do tend to make good affair partners, seeing as they both exist in the fantasy realm. When two narcs find soulmate schmoopie bliss together, not a lot of dishes get washed, or kids enrolled in summer camp, or lawns mowed. Which is why it’s perfect karma to let cheaters have each other — they will suck each other dry for a limited kibble supply. Which in turn inevitably leads to kibble exploration elsewhere. You can’t cheat a cheater, of course, but they act truly outraged when it happens.

Anywho — it occurred to me that we could all write dating profiles for our exes. Might be therapeutic. Heck, you might have stumbled across a few actual profiles already. I did (while married to him). In addition to his litany of qualities that he does not possess (honesty, faithfulness, romance), he bragged that he knew how to solve Schrodinger’s equation. (Oh, way to win the ladies…) I sent the profile off to his OW, who apparently wasn’t very happy to receive it.

So — sort of like our infidelity Valentine’s contest — write me a dating profile. But make it clever! Profiles just full of invective aren’t very interesting. You need telling details such as “I like to come home from a long day of work and hang my trousers on the nearest chair. I relax best in my underwear.” You know, true annoying details about them to which they are oblivious. (Narcs assume always that they are just splendid).

It’s not very meh, but who knows — maybe we could fix a few of these lovebirds up? So what if you heard yours got remarried. Hasn’t stopped them yet.

Here’s my submission:

Age: Old enough to act superior to you, but without all that annoying responsible adult behavior.

Height: As wide as I am tall.

Income: Enough about me — how much do YOU make? Any savings bonds? Trust funds? Wealthy relatives that might kick off?

Interests: Buying shit for hobbies I never have time to pursue. I’m more of a collector. Of women. LOL. No, really I’m a macho dude with a lot of interests. Hoarding is such an ugly word. I “collect” motorcycles, kayaks, canoes, cameras, computers, guns, knives, bows, arrows, hiking boots, expensive socks, burr coffee grinders, gortex rain gear, 1000 thread count sheets, and the occasional beanie baby. (Okay, I didn’t buy that, it was a gift from one of my mistresses.)

I’m a dynamic guy. I have three advanced degrees in subjects far too technical for a mere liberal arts major such as you to understand. But I like you arty chicks. The bra-lessness, the way you wear those toe rings and embroidered dresses. Like you’re all ready to sign up for Peace Corps. I just can just smell the idealism (“Tell me about your time in Sudan… no really!”), it’s a total turn on. You can afford to work at a non-profit because you’ve got some family money, don’t you?

I don’t like art galleries and shit, but I’ll go and pretend like I do, especially if we can go to Saks afterwards and look at Phillip Patek watches. Hey, I looked at your dumb art — do this for me. Might give you ideas of the sort of thing I’d like for Christmas. I once had this mean, horrible ex wife who gave me a grill brush once for my birthday — and I can see that you are the kind of discerning woman with a refined sensibility who would NEVER buy a grill brush for a man she loved.

What I’m looking for: Big boobs. Big hair. Dumb, trusting smile. Generosity. Gullibility. Instant family (you have a kid? I LOVE KIDS.) 10-20 years younger than me. If you just want to be fuckbuddies, I’m not particular. But to achieve gold Wife Status, you need to be the total package — younger, dumber, and monied.

Contact: I’ll call you. My number changes sometimes. It’s complicated.  But I love you. Just the idea of you. Actual you may enrage me, but that’s later. I’ll be in touch. In fact, you might have a hard time shaking me. Stalking is an ugly word. I’m a collector….

{ 212 comments… add one }

  • Eddie the WTF dude of 49 days June 13, 2013, 1:51 pm

    Thanks Violet and Kay H!

    This was sooooooooo much fun! Gallows humor is very cathartic.

  • Oatey June 13, 2013, 2:17 pm

    Age: 44, but I’m Asian, so I’ll always pass for 39 so that’s what I tell people Height: 5′ (Actually 4’11” but that sounds so un-sexy, plus I’m always in heels. I’ll even keep them on in bed for you!)
    Income: Not much, I work two very low paying jobs, but one is at a cute boutique and the other is as a hostess in a very nice restaurant. Both enable me to hob-knob with a classier level of society, and to show off my legs in my super-short skirts. I don’t worry too much about money, I have several credit cards that I got after I left my husband and my credit rating was good thanks to him (I always hated how he made sure we stayed out of debt, no fun!). Not sure what I’m going to do in the near future, I’ve almost maxed them out, maybe bankruptcy? So you need to be a very high wage earner.
    Interests: Dressing to attract as much male attention as possible, flirting, buying clothes and shoes, gourmet food, pinterest, my phone (love texting!), sleeping late and keeping contact with my daughter to under 10 hours a week.
    Looking for: Someone who will constantly validate my attractiveness, artistic ability, cooking prowess, sense of humor and intelligence. You must make lots of money and not mind that whatever validation you give me will never be enough, so I will be forced to have other men who will also provide validation, it’s a bottomless pit really. And oddly it only satisfies me for a very short time, then I get sad :(
    Contact: I’m living with an older, balding, overweight, underemployed guy with sleep apnea and ED at the moment, so we’ll have to be discreet. I have a lot of practice with that through the Ashley Madison website which I used to hook up with guys when I was married to my husband. Texting would be perfect, especially in the presence of the guy I’m living with. I like to keep him on his toes, a little jealousy spices things up, right?

  • Lina June 13, 2013, 8:58 pm

    Hey Babe! Can I call you Babe? With my STBXW, my daughters, female co-workers, and the girlfriends…calling you all Babe is easier on me.

    Age: Late 30’s (mentally and emotionally I am still 12)

    Physical: 6’4″ and 225…fifteen years ago. I’m a little over 225 at the moment. (125+ pounds over) I love that I am bigger than you because “big” means control, I like to control things.

    Career: I have bad luck with jobs (8+ in last 15 years) because I always end up having to work with “idiots”. I hate my current job as a detention officer but I do enjoy the control, I mean “supervision” that I have over the inmates. I even volunteer to supervise the new officers that are in training (mostly single mothers) so I can control, I mean “help” them as well. True, without my STBXW’s income I don’t make much money but when any of my imaginary businesses (my fishing guide career, my gun range, my ammunition company, my home remodeling company, my auto detailing company) get up and going…WOW! Perhaps until then you have family members who can hook me up with jobs like my STBXW did. (Better for you to explain to family why I was picked on and fired, yet again.)

    Interest: Collecting…guns, hallowed out grenades, knives, swords, medieval weapons, ammunition, horror movie mask (The Predator is my hero), tools, hunting gear, fishing gear, the “in” clothes, the “in” shoes, watches, jewelry (I like shiny things), sports cars that I like to customize. (I have bad luck with cars, wrecked 4, totally not my fault) What do you collect because I probably want to collect that too. On my days off I like to sleep until 3 or 4 in the afternoon. (I require lots of sleep) I like to play the newest “in” video games. I like all kinds of porn. I watch anything that is “in”. I listen to any music that is “in”. On occasion, I like to start home improvement projects, for you to finish. (I like starting things) I have this other little hobby that I call “people watching”. Did you know that I can figure anyone out, like what they are thinking or feeling, if I just observe them long enough. It is a gift I have perfected ;)

    Odd little quirks: I do have a bit of a temper and I have been known to break things, throw things, and yell as loud as I can. This gives you the opportunity to learn how to calm me down because I can’t do it myself. (My STBXW was a expert at this) For some reason I never loose my temper this way with other men, only women, teens and children. I don’t do housework, yard work, pay bills, or take care of children. I get in these moods and you will need to be with me and hold me. (I love you so much I don’t even want you to leave the room.) Sometimes I get in these other moods and now I hate you so I’m going to ignore and punish you. Learn to anticipate my moods and know that they can last weeks at a time. I am playful but my STBXW was too small and sensitive to understand my playfulness. I hope you don’t mind me using the detention officer “holds” I learned on you. Or tampering with your birth control when you start to catch on to what I really am. Crazy? Like I tell my STBXW “Boyfriends get jealous, husbands get crazy.” You see, I WAS a compulsive liar, serial cheater, and thief *but that was all my STBXW’s fault.* I would never do that with you Babe.

    Requirements: A house for me to live in, a car for me to drive, and money to keep it all going. Basically a mother, that I can have sex with. *Bonus points if you can text me cute little quotes to make me fell justified in seeing my children only 2 hours in the last 7 months.*

    Contact: My roommate/special friend/co-worker (that I’m totally not in a relationship with) is a little jealous, and I just started a new hobby (acting as my own attorney and dragging out the divorce my STBXW filed for) so I will contact you Babe.

  • Gini June 13, 2013, 10:53 pm

    Age: 47, but I don’t look it because I’m one hipster of a stylish dresser. I wear skinny jeans and big white puffy tennis shoes like rappers wear.
    Physical: 5″9 but my drivers license says 5″10 because I think that sounds better. Besides, I don’t think that nurse in the doctor’s office measured me right. Hair, yeah, well, I don’t have much of that anymore. I tried that hairclub for men thing and that cat on top of my head didn’t quite work out. But don’t bother about that. I more than make up for that in other areas. Har! Har!
    Hobbies: Porn, jacking off to porn, having you jack me off to porn. And bj’s. But, you WILL have to swallow. Non-swallowers need not apply.
    What I’m looking for: Foreign-born Asian chicks, 10 years younger than me. Why? Because my well-traveled buddy told me that they are submissive to their men and will pretty much do whatever you tell them. Oh, yeah, and they don’t get fat and they age gracefully. Also, you must not have children and must NEVER have children. I like my own kids but I’m not going through that shit again. I will not make you cook, clean or do laundry like I made my bitch ex-wife do for 20 years and we won’t have any kids under foot so you can throw grapes in my mouth and concentrate on, well….ME!! Now, you will have to run 3 miles a day to keep your figure. I like real skinny women. And don’t think about cutting your hair because I like to yank long hair.
    Income: I make 6 figures but I’m having to pay to put 2 kids through college so there won’t be a whole lot of extra money for several years. But, the kids aren’t going to be living with us so, baby, I can live the life I should’ve lived in my 20’s! I told my kids that too! Nevermind, they were both born when I was in my late 20’s. They’re old enough to understand this is my time to LIVE!!
    Odd quirks: I have to brush my teeth and wash my face EVERY time after I eat. Even if we are driving down the freeway, I have to find a place to stop to do this.
    Friends: I have parted ways with all of the friends that I had before. You know, the ones that knew that old hag of mine? I found a new Chinese friend to hang out with and I will introduce you to his family so you will not feel so homesick.

    • Hope49 June 15, 2013, 12:31 pm

      ThatGirl, the friends part is SO interesting. They part with their past ‘friends’ because they DON’T want to be judged! There were many people who liked you, respected you and STBXH doesn’t want to feel ‘shamed’ or to feel that HE didn’t do anything wrong of course giving you a giant shit sandwich.

  • Kara June 14, 2013, 12:10 am

    I kind of want to create dating profiles for the AP’s now XD

    • Brinn June 14, 2013, 9:05 am

      I am so on board with that!

  • ThatGirl June 15, 2013, 2:51 am

    I am late to this post but had to add mine:

    Age: 50. But I am NOT having a midlife crisis. I am in my peak. I look Gooooood!

    Height: 6’2″. And my feet are 10.5″. My other body parts are in proportion. Would you like to see pictures? One of my new hobbies is to send pictures out indiscriminately, all you have to do is ask! You will NOT be disappointed, I promise.

    Income: I don’t want to brag or anything, but I own my own company…more about that later.

    Interests: I have a newfound love for technology! Internet, skype, live chat, videocams, webcams, IM, texting, all things cell phone and computer. I love technology so much that I started collecting email addresses (for myself! One can not have too many). I also have a new love for photography, I especially like to take pictures of myself *wink*. I love to travel. Of course, it is all for work. Did I mention that I own my own company? Yes, I need to travel all the time….so I may only be able to see you when I am passing through your town, on my way to my next meeting. Trust me, this is all work related. I wish I could spend more time with YOU. Did I mention that I am a good story teller and I could write a book someday? I once convinced this woman that I moved to another country for over 5 years, in order to manage down those pesky expectations she began to have. How else could I explain my prolonged absences (for work) ?

    Looking for: I am looking for my SOUL MATE! I know you are out there. I’ve been looking real hard for you, but in the mean time, until I find you, I will have to make do with Craigs List, Ashley Madison and my other favorite dating websites. Once I find you, prepare to be love-bombed by me until you love me with utter devotion! But then, I might have to move to another country….you know, for work.

    Contact: You can answer one of my dating profiles, I check my emails from those on a regular basis. Don’t forget to ask for pictures! I want to see yours, too. Once we make contact, I will text you and we can set something up….I’ll let you know when I’m going to be in town.

  • Stacey June 15, 2013, 10:34 pm

    Age: Early 40’s, but I look and act much, much younger-haha! I look so good because I take care of myself, I put lotion on my face several times every day. Some people say I’m obsessive about it, I say it’s just caring about me. (Actual age 47)

    Height: A very tall 6ft, especially if I stand up tall and puff out, makes me seem even bigger especially when I get “passionate” about something.

    Income: I fly a 747-400 all over the world, I make good money but my cu%# of an ex-wife is trying to bleed me dry, but I’m showing her though, not paying what I owe, even the court has a hard time catching up to me. But don’t you worry your pretty little head about money, I will do ALL the finances, I’ll let you have 1 credit card with a very low limit that is always maxed out, I’ll never bother you with petty things like how much money is in the bank, how much I took out when I refinanced my house 3 times without my wife knowing, taking away your debit card when I feel like you may be tempted to overspend on something frivolous like groceries or diapers for my kids, and we can play hide and seek with the checkbook, that’s one of my favorite games.

    Interests: I like a variety of things, I am “passionate” about things with engines, they don’t necessarily have to be in working condition, because I’m going to fix them up and then they’ll be even better. But, let’s see now, my current collection (current right this minute, because I add to it quite often, kinda like a whim, except I’m serious about my things-cause I’m only getting them for my kids to have when they get older because I didn’t get shit when I was a kid, my parents never gave me anything, even though my kids are very, very young they’ll thank me when they’re older) anyway, see what a caring, thoughtful daddy I am, even though I have a no contact order to see or speak to my kids right now because my cu%# of an ex-wife and her asshole lawyer have the judge in their back pocket, my kids love me and miss me and cry for me every night, I know this even though I have not seen them or spoke to them in 6 months. Ah yes, my collection, it started with clothes, I love shoes, watches, belts, handmade suits from these beautiful little Chinese girls who give foot massages for $5 (happy ending extra-haha) , my 2 motorcycles, 1 truck, 3 boats, 2 jetskis, 4 cars, 1 Army deuce and a half truck (to carry my minions when I finally get them-haha), 1 airplane, my big green egg (I cook for my whole neighborhood and anyone who happens to drive by and is willing to slow down long enough for me to invite them-free booze, free food, they love me!, I am the most generous person they have ever met), I collect porn, all kinds, all the time, on my TV, my phone, my ipad, my computer, DVD’s, any and all-even tranny stuff, even though that’s just to look at tits on a dude, I’m not ever looking at the guy, and I have my personal collection, tons of pics of any female that will send me a closeup of her “V” and her tits, and my vast collection of pics of my own dick, it’s really spectacular and big, want some-haha.

    I like to buy you stuff, you know stuff that will help improve you, not that you’re not ok now, but everyone could use some help. I’ll help you by getting you things that I really like, very high heels, extremely low cut tops, big push-up bras-I love for other men to see the titties I have available to me anytime I want ‘em, very short skirts-ditch the panties, I like having 24hr access-haha, everything 2 sizes too small, I’ll show you how to wear your hair and make-up. I’ll actually give you tips and helpful hints on every aspect of everything all the time, there’s always a more efficient and better way of doing things and I’ll teach you them.

    What I’m looking for: Well, for starters, someone who will understand me, who will help me, who will be someone I can count on, someone who will stand beside me, someone who’s not afraid when I get “passionate” about things-and filing a pesky restraining order, like my cu%# of an ex-wife, someone who knows I’m to be valued, I’m to be cherished, I’m to be loved, I’m to be worshipped, I’m to be admired, I’m to be adored-just like my mother and my grandmother told me my whole life.

    Contact: I can give you my secret cell phone number to call me when I’m not with the person I’m currently fucking, or I can give you my real number but that’s only for texting and make sure you text me those close-up’s of your “V”-that will get my attention faster-haha, or I can give you one of my 3 secret email address-photos also encouraged here and will get you a faster response, or you can friend me on Facebook, but that’s only until we become involved then I will have to unfriend you and block you just in case you start to turn into some crazy, jealous, psycho that has to know every little thing I’m doing all the time and question why I have all these random women as my “friends”, I got enough of that shit from my X.

    WOW, I can’t begin to describe how great that felt! Thank you, thank you Chump Lady!!

  • Jane June 16, 2013, 2:06 pm

    Age 51…I don’t lie about my age, just everything else.
    Height 5’2″

    I’m an ex marine who thinks women are stupid bitches and if it wouldn’t make me gay, I’d prefer to date a man. I’m strong and rugged. I’ve had a lot of interesting jobs of which I will tell you about over and over again. Did I mention that I was strong? I am funny and can be very charming. I know all the right things to do, in order to suck you in. I like to shop, for myself. I buy the same thing over and over again. Always trying to trade up. My terrible with money but I make a lot of it.

    What am I looking for? Big Boobs, someone who isn’t too pretty so that you are amazed that I am interested in you!! Someone who’s credit cards aren’t max out (like my ex wife’s) and who’s credit history is good (like my ex wife’s was when she met me.) Be prepared to be 4th or maybe 5th in line in importance, after myself, my Mommy and anyone else in my family who may need something.

    Did I mention I am strong?

  • Jane June 16, 2013, 2:07 pm

    Age 51…I don’t lie about my age, just everything else.
    Height 5’2″

    I’m an ex marine who thinks women are stupid bitches and if it wouldn’t make me gay, I’d prefer to date a man. I’m strong and rugged. I’ve had a lot of interesting jobs of which I will tell you about over and over again. Did I mention that I was strong? I am funny and can be very charming. I know all the right things to do, in order to suck you in. I like to shop, for myself. I buy the same thing over and over again. Always trying to trade up. My terrible with money but I make a lot of it.

    What am I looking for? Big Boobs, someone who isn’t too pretty so that you are amazed that I am interested in you!! Someone who’s credit cards aren’t max out (like my ex wife’s) and who’s credit history is good (like my ex wife’s was when she met me.) Be prepared to be 4th or maybe 5th in line in importance, after myself, my Mommy and anyone else in my family who may need something.

  • bosdad June 17, 2013, 12:26 am

    rally squirrel,

    i think we may have been married, or in a relationship with the same squirrel. when the lights go down and you’re driving from gig to/two/too gig there’s a come to jesus discussion that this is as good as it gets. and the conversation always ends the same way: this is as good as it gets. my beloved tried to do something for 40 consecutive hours. no not that. but fucker didn’t have the balls to try for 48. a real man would have gone all the way and closed the deal for two/to/too FULL days.

    i am glad my ex is gone. nothing more than a bobble head singing The Candy Man.

  • Fiona June 21, 2013, 5:59 pm

    These comments are so funny :)

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