Infidelity Valentine’s Contest

by Chump Lady on February 7, 2013

valentineAre you sick of all the treacly candy hearts and pink teddy bears out and about this time of year? Valentine’s Day can sometimes be a painful reminder that other people are happily coupled up and you’re the kid with the empty shoebox, awaiting the classroom Valentine that never comes.

There’s no cure for it, except February 15… but don’t be blue! In honor of the holiday of love, send Chump Lady your cheater valentines!

Now’s the time to take out your creative frustrations in the form of a haiku or limerick devoted to your cheater. Best submission wins a “meh” travel mug (or other mug of your choice). Post your entries here in the comment section, or email them to me at Chump Lady

A haiku is five syllables, seven syllables, five syllables. A limerick is five lines with the rhyming scheme (AABBA). Don’t send me lugubrious free form verse or sonnets. (Ode to My Divorce Retainer…) I want short and funny and snarky. Give a fellow chump a laugh.

Here, I will demonstrate:

There once was an OW named Denise
Her hair was worse than her teeth
Yellow dentures and wig
She resembled a pig
Or a convict on early release

Reconciliation
Unicorn so sad
Secret cell phone found

You can do this chumps! Snark away! The winner will be announced on Valentine’s Day, Thursday, February 14, 2013 and I will draw a cartoon to go with the winning submission. You can submit as many entries as you want to.

{ 215 comments… read them below or add one }

Dani February 7, 2013 at 5:27 pm

Oh man… this is going to be good!

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Rose February 7, 2013 at 5:43 pm

Cheater, cheater you cakeeater.
You had a lovely wife, but did not to heed her.
You banged a wannabe cougar.
That makes you a loser.
Life without you is now so much sweeter!

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Dani February 7, 2013 at 6:26 pm

So awesome!

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Rose February 7, 2013 at 5:45 pm

Whoops! Delete the word “to” in second line! :)

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MovingOn February 7, 2013 at 6:03 pm

Her hair is red,
You made me blue,
We must stay NC
so I don’t say, “Fuck you.”

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Named for Vera February 7, 2013 at 6:05 pm

Dr. Shannon had an itch
got my wasband for to skritch
found he loved it!
got some more!

Now I have shown him the door.

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mark February 7, 2013 at 6:06 pm

cheater good bye
go fuck off and die
i wont cry

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MovingOn February 7, 2013 at 7:27 pm

Thought you were so smart
Sneaking off for kibble time
Thanks for the divorce

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skatergirl February 7, 2013 at 9:23 pm

a brazen lady named Mo
had sex with my ex like a pro
bored, forced to partake
he loved his new cake
So my lawyer just took all his dough

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Baci February 7, 2013 at 10:08 pm

YES!

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Baci February 7, 2013 at 9:49 pm

I come from a land down under
Where my wife cheated, she’s a runner
IT’S CHAINSAW MAN and I’ve dumped her
Bloody hell, it makes you wonder

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Arnold February 7, 2013 at 9:51 pm

I married a girl from Nantucket…..

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Baci February 7, 2013 at 9:57 pm

And she fear dumkim treated me like a puppet

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Sara8 February 8, 2013 at 12:16 pm

Now thinking of her makes Arnold want to barf in a bucket.

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Baci February 7, 2013 at 9:59 pm

My wife took her lover to New York
Where she ran in a race and played with his pork sword
It wasn’t too long before they were caught
With not too much forethought
They’ll end up with naught

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Dawn February 7, 2013 at 10:48 pm

Behold the smug smirk of the cheater,
Who sucks hard like a bottom feeder,
Why only pick one,
When scores are more fun,
He desires to be a cake eater.

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Dawn February 7, 2013 at 11:05 pm

So husband spent all of our monies
to pick up street hooker bunnies
With revulsion, I see
With children I flee,
I hope his dick gets the burning runnies.

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Dani February 8, 2013 at 4:20 pm

Brilliant!

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Dawn February 7, 2013 at 11:20 pm

His ego was something to behold,
Admire the cheating man-ho!
His sparkle so bright!
His charm, just right!
Alas, he was a lump of fool’s gold.

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Dawn February 7, 2013 at 11:25 pm

How could I ever say no?
The horny goat was ready to go.
With cul-de-sac hair,
and a gut out to there,
*BARF*, you can have him, ho’s.

Man, I’m having way too much fun with these. :)

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Dawn February 7, 2013 at 11:45 pm

Behold the king of the castle,
Where all must submit as his vassals,
He who must be appeased,
You cannot disagree,
He really is just an asshole.

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Baci February 7, 2013 at 11:48 pm

Need a like button

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Chump Lady February 8, 2013 at 6:21 am

Dawn, you are on a roll!

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Dawn February 8, 2013 at 12:17 pm

These are like cathartic therapy sessions! I’ve never written one before, but I couldn’t sleep last night for all the limericks bouncing in my head. :) It’s nice to laugh over something so painful.

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Janet February 9, 2013 at 4:38 pm

you are really quite good at this I am enjoying all the posts so much. LOL CL you have your work cut out for you.

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Dawn February 7, 2013 at 11:54 pm

To me, you were thumbing your nose,
while you were busy banging your ho’s.
Getting your “dessert”,
you ugly pervert,
I’ll make sure everyone knows.

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Sarati February 8, 2013 at 1:58 pm

YES!

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Sad in Seattle February 8, 2013 at 7:02 pm

My favourite one! Awesome!

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Dawn February 8, 2013 at 12:11 am

You are working late again,
but who am I to complain?
It’s for the family, you say
but in reality, we pay
the ultimate price in pain.

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Dawn February 8, 2013 at 12:26 am

Seeing all your deceptions and plans
with no morals on which to stand,
I hope you enjoy
living life as a boy
’cause you’ll never be a real man.

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Anne February 8, 2013 at 2:26 am

To the point and so true!!!

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Dani February 8, 2013 at 4:21 pm

Preach!

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Dawn February 8, 2013 at 12:48 am

Serial cheaters fill us with dread.
How can we keep them from our beds?
How many lives would be saved
from being with the depraved
if we could tattoo a red “A” on their heads?

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Dawn February 8, 2013 at 1:09 am

Such a glamorous life you’ve got.
What are all those weeping red spots?
Is it fun keeping tabs
on your population of crabs
as you treat your spreading crotch rot?

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Dawn February 8, 2013 at 1:33 am

You’re sorry now that you’re caught.
But your protests are all for naught.
Like a donkey you bray
that you want to stay,
but good morals are inherent, not taught!

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Anne February 8, 2013 at 2:16 am

“He will cheat on you also”, I said.
At least now I can go to bed…
And not worry :)

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Nord February 8, 2013 at 3:16 am

There once was a man named Ex
Who really, really liked to have sex
He fucked anyone willing
And they bought what he was schilling
And that’s when I put on a hex

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skatergirl February 8, 2013 at 4:52 am

Off to therapy they went
Anguished chump and the “oh so sorry” gent
When she realized with a start
He was STILL bedding his tart
Empowered chump he could no longer torment

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Dani February 8, 2013 at 4:23 pm

YES!

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skatergirl February 8, 2013 at 5:02 am

Life after cheater
Is infinitely sweeter
I sleep soundly at night
No fear of gaslight
And the ho has to feed the cake eater!

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Chump Lady February 8, 2013 at 6:22 am

LOL!

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skatergirl February 8, 2013 at 5:48 am

Sports car cologne cliche
Popping viagra for mistress foreplay
Our marriage was fraught
From complications this wrought
Does the girlfriend style his toupee?

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ThatGirl February 8, 2013 at 6:02 am

You are a habitual liar
Raising my continual ire
You fuck everything with 2 legs
A question which begs
How many of them were for hire?

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Chump Lady February 8, 2013 at 6:22 am

SNAP!

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ThatGirl February 8, 2013 at 6:10 am

You meet your chicks in flight
Charming them with all your might
But I found out
You dumbass lout
You’re not even worth the fight

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Sarati February 8, 2013 at 2:03 pm

^^^ This one ^^^ is getting posted on my Sanity Wall!

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Sad in Seattle February 8, 2013 at 7:03 pm

You need a like button, CL!

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Chump Lady February 8, 2013 at 6:23 am

You guys, these are awesome! Keep ‘em coming! I’m having a good laugh with my coffee this morning. :-)

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Another Erica February 8, 2013 at 6:39 am

Oh shit! I got busted!
But don’t worry, I love you, I can be trusted.
Anyway, the problem was with you
What else could I do?
Selfish assholes can’t help but act when they feel lusted

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anna February 8, 2013 at 6:54 am

rough day at work yesterday. thanks for the laugh, I needed it.

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suddenly single February 8, 2013 at 7:32 am

There once was a man named Jim
Who thought his lovely wife was so dim
That he lied and cheated mattered not
He left without so much as a pot
And now she is alone with a grin

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suddenly single February 8, 2013 at 10:26 am

too many m’s in named!

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Chump Lady February 8, 2013 at 2:05 pm

I fixed

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Jay February 8, 2013 at 7:52 am

It starts as a workplace affair
The blackness of your heart do you bare
You end it in rage
Perfectly setting the stage
For encores of pain and nightmare

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Jay February 8, 2013 at 7:58 am

Why are we never enough?
We continuously fed good fluff
Ego kibbles are sweet
Now beat a hasty retreat
And go fuck yourself in the buff

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Jay February 8, 2013 at 8:00 am

CRAP, putta you in there:

Why are we never enough?
We continuously fed you good fluff
Ego kibbles are sweet
Now beat a hasty retreat
And go fuck yourself in the buff

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Jay February 8, 2013 at 8:11 am

Your affair was completely demented
The wife that I had I lamented
you’ve broken my trust
Our love crumbled to dust
Your selfish actions our end it cemented

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Jay February 8, 2013 at 8:28 am

You once said you’d love me forever
Such a kind thought and noble endeavor
Then comes an earth shaking change
Your morals and dignity exchanged
For a broken soul; yeah your so clever

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Angie February 8, 2013 at 8:41 am

I truely love you, but
our sex life is in a rut
So I got a ho-worker
she’s not much of a looker
but she’s a real handy slut

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Jay February 8, 2013 at 8:49 am

Getting married is easy and breezy
The hopes and dreams that are born; some are cheesy
So have your affair
Take all the good that we share
And reduce it to feeling so sleezy

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Angie February 8, 2013 at 9:06 am

Oh poor me, my life is so crappy
my lonely penis just goes flippy flappy
21 years down the drain
my family’s in pain
but a ho sure makes me happy.

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Chump Lady February 8, 2013 at 9:25 am

LOL — flippy flappy penis! Like a windsock!

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Dani February 8, 2013 at 4:26 pm

Oh god… too good… can’t stop laughing!

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nomar February 8, 2013 at 9:18 am

Limmerick:

There once was an underachiever
Who was slutty and quite a deceiver
She wouldn’t quit Warcraft
Or plying her whore-craft
So this Chump had to get smart and leave her

Haiku:

Two troll priest soulmates
Hookup in Vegas to screw
Mind if I vomit?

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Chump Lady February 8, 2013 at 9:24 am

Warcraft and Whore-craft? Oooh. That’s good.

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nomar February 8, 2013 at 9:28 am

Oh, “Mind,” not “Mine”

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Chump Lady February 8, 2013 at 9:33 am

fixed!

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Jay February 8, 2013 at 9:26 am

Vows made in May were accepted
Early advances to you were rejected
This time around
No morals could no be found
Leaving broken hearts and pain as expected

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nomar February 8, 2013 at 9:26 am

More haiku (5-7-5)–they’re addictive:

A sparkly turd
Too many shit sandwiches
Holy crap–get out!

You are like the flu
Make me dizzy and nauseous
So glad when you’re gone

My ex and her beau
Two snakes fucking in pig shit
Pretty much the same

“‘Til death do us part”
What the hell was I thinking?
Rats don’t keep their word!

Divorce is painful
How will I live without her?
Much better, thank you

The math a chump learns
Addition by subtraction
You are a zero

You cheated for years
I carried your dad’s casket
Wouldn’t he be proud?

If you had a soul
It would smell like a diaper
From baby Satan

You cheated on me
Then married a cold cheater
Beep! Beep! Karma bus!

You say I’m bitter
But bitter can’t laugh this loud
While flipping you off

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Chump Lady February 8, 2013 at 9:32 am

Nomar, these ROCK! But you have some serious competition for that travel mug…

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Named for Vera February 8, 2013 at 4:39 pm

Nomar!! (where I come from, however it’s Nomahhhh….! ) awesome. as are everyones’.

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Sad in Seattle February 8, 2013 at 7:05 pm

I love the baby Satan one.

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Chump Lady February 8, 2013 at 9:29 am

Awesomeness! You’re all poets! A call out for more haiku.

Absurd cheaterpants
BMWs, bikes, whore
You have too much stuff.

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kb February 8, 2013 at 9:37 am

There once was a man named Bob
Whose libido needed to throb.
He found a redhead,
And took her to bed.
His Ex found her lawyer a job.

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MovingOn February 8, 2013 at 11:39 am

My, my, KB. Maybe we have an OW in common (redhead)?

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Angie February 8, 2013 at 9:37 am

It must be that my sex drive is high
that is why I must lie
why cant you see
that its all about me
and Im forced to get some on the sly

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Chump Lady February 8, 2013 at 9:41 am

There once was an idiot from Pittsburgh
Who couldn’t keep his ugly mitts or
Dick off the ladies
He was terribly shady
So I left that execrable shitsturd

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Dawn February 8, 2013 at 9:46 am

You’re the most sexy man ever, she thinks.
But from whence comes that horrible stink?
Will she still think you’re all that
while she’s scrubbing the scat
from your undies’ skid marks in the sink?

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Hope49 February 9, 2013 at 11:50 pm

Dawn, lady you are on a ROLL! Too funny!

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Rose February 8, 2013 at 10:12 am

We are all poets
And did not know it!
What else did we find
That we were all blind
To our cheating wives, husbands, partners.
But alas, in what we knew
We all grew
Stronger.
Blind no more!

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Really February 8, 2013 at 10:29 am

Twenty-one year old
homewrecker – you weren’t his first;
why think you’re his last?

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Really February 8, 2013 at 10:30 am

What My STBX Said to Me During “Reconciliation”

“Why can’t I have both
(a wife and a young mistress)?”
Are you KIDDING me?!?

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Angie February 8, 2013 at 10:40 am

My life is falling apart
Reconcile – where do we start?
As I struggle and cry
I soon wonder why
I ever loved that old fart.

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Angie February 8, 2013 at 10:47 am

His ho-worker thinks that he’s great
they fondle and kiss on their dates
Thought the date’s in his car
and they cant go to far
Their love was destined by fate.

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Lina February 8, 2013 at 12:10 pm

WOW!!! Sounds like my stbxh making out in our family minivan…. Douchebag :/

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nomar February 8, 2013 at 11:02 am

There once was a wife who was sick
An unfaithful soul-sucking tick
I told her “Get out,
And what’s beyond doubt,
For a c*nt, you’re really a prick.”

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Chump Lady February 8, 2013 at 2:08 pm

I think you’ve found your anger. :-)

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Sara8 February 8, 2013 at 11:13 am

There once was a horny serial OW named Kim
She enjoyed sex as much as the food she stuffed in
Her blonde hair looked fried
So horribly over dyed
Worse than her ass so wide and cheeks less than slim

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Chump Lady February 8, 2013 at 2:09 pm

What’s with OW and the home hair dye brew? I think you’re describing the primo OW in my story… but you forgot the hair scrunchie.

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Sara8 February 9, 2013 at 12:08 pm

Maybe it’s the same OW. ;) The ex’s OW occasionally wore a scrunchy.

According to the rumor mill, she really got around.

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Angie February 8, 2013 at 11:32 am

I married the love of my life,
Ive been proud to be his wife
Now he’s been cheating
with the ho’s he’s been meeting
To my heart, it cuts like a ….. really sharpy thingy that you use to cut stuff up.

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Lina February 8, 2013 at 11:38 am

“Nice guy” was only for show
You passive aggressive asshole
The children and me
Will NOT be “plan B”
I lied, sex was only so-so

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Angie February 8, 2013 at 11:49 am

Thats freaking awesome, I was just trying to figure out how to ryhme something with asshole. lol

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Chump Lady February 8, 2013 at 2:09 pm

LOL!

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Dani February 8, 2013 at 4:31 pm

Perfect!

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Janet February 9, 2013 at 4:44 pm

Wonderful Lina I am loving all of these

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Lina February 8, 2013 at 11:42 am

Decision between your family or ho-worker is absurd
You don’t abandon your children, have you not heard?
I have filed for divorce
Have fun with that whore
Happy Valentines Day, you’re being served :)

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Moving on @51 February 8, 2013 at 12:43 pm

There once was a man who wanted more
Had a loving wife, fabulous children galore
But he was selfish and greedy,
Narcisstic and needy
And traded them in for a whore!

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Lina February 8, 2013 at 1:14 pm

Fabulous!!!

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Dani February 8, 2013 at 4:32 pm

Awesome!

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Jrenae February 8, 2013 at 11:58 am

I look like a model, but it don’t matter
You must have wanted something fatter
I have class
while your tapping that ass
Now your in the outfield and I’m the batter

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Angie February 8, 2013 at 12:08 pm

You cheat, yet say I am to blame
Doris’s a ho – yeah I know her name
If I would put out
You wouldn’t pout
My god, have you no shame?

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Dawn February 8, 2013 at 12:13 pm

Chump Lady is keeping it real.
Deception is not part of the deal.
Trust that they suck,
are total mindfucks
and begin living your new life with zeal.

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Rose February 8, 2013 at 12:20 pm

Yes!!!!

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Chump Lady February 8, 2013 at 2:11 pm

Thank you Dawn! That’s awesome!

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mark February 8, 2013 at 6:00 pm

Dawn

that is awesome!!!

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kb February 8, 2013 at 12:16 pm

“No one does it better than me!”
Boasted he to th’other she.
It’s been 6 months for me
And 5 months for she.
He’s skilled only in his fantasy!

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Angie February 8, 2013 at 12:24 pm

With her, you’re witty and fun
You tell her that she’s shines like the sun.
When you are with me
all that I see
Is you belching when supper is done.

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Angie February 8, 2013 at 12:33 pm

He’s a cheater, this much is true
So really, what can I do?
Tie his dick in a knot
then just let it rot
as a divorce is what I pursue.

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Angie February 8, 2013 at 12:45 pm

Sex with you, that is no more
I busted you, now get out the door.
You whine and complain
you make me take the blame.
But ya know, the sex was a chore.

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Jay February 8, 2013 at 12:47 pm

You thought you were quite the enigma,
Immune to the damaging stigma
The other spouse found you out
Discovered fling set a-route
All for cheap thrills and smegma

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Rose February 8, 2013 at 12:54 pm

These are so awesome and hilarious!!!!! Love them all!!!

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Angie February 8, 2013 at 12:57 pm

Your moody, self-centered and vain
You have brought me nothing but pain.
So get the fuck out
you two timing lout
So I can get on with the that life that I’ll gain.

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Jay February 8, 2013 at 1:07 pm

My rhyme is not meant to be crass
But I loves me a nice piece of ass
I thought I had this
And marital bliss
but instead it’s a whore with no class

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Jay February 8, 2013 at 1:30 pm

Your affair was au fait accompli
Nearly taking the life out of me
But despite all of this
Some of you I will miss
But from the yoke of your shame I’m set free

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Angie February 8, 2013 at 1:39 pm

Lies, bullshit, deceite.
Lather, rinse and repeat.
Oh you’re God’s gift to women,
well my hope its a dimmin’
But baby, I kept the reciept.

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Baci February 8, 2013 at 1:53 pm

FOR SALE, I wife that can fuck
Left two beautiful boys in a muck
They are as strong as can be
And will grow up thinking “meh”
Exposing chainsaw man a lame duck

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Jay February 8, 2013 at 1:54 pm

I’ve suffered your put-downs and digs
My heart broken like so many twigs
I thought you were better
But you’re a whore to the letter
And alas a fig tree bears figs

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Angie February 8, 2013 at 2:10 pm

There was a biker named Jim
who thought my life should revolve around him.
I sure did my best
to pass the “wife test”
Now I just say “meh”

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Angie February 8, 2013 at 2:17 pm

He so loves kissing his slut
frankly, she looks like a mutt.
I’d rather it be,
if left up to me,
to kiss a dead moose’s butt.

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r louise February 8, 2013 at 2:28 pm

Poem to me from my STBX

You know that you drove me away
Were you sexier maybe I’d stay
If only you’d praised me;
To my pedestal raised me,
I wouldn’t have gone out to “play!”

It’s not my fault he said,
That I jumped into OW’s bed.
You bored me to tears,
I went out for some beers,
And I guess they went right to my (other) head.

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r louise February 8, 2013 at 2:33 pm

So from me you decided to switch.
You have left me for some younger witch.
I know I’ll be just fine.
Dignity is still mine.
And Karma is really a bitch.

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r louise February 8, 2013 at 2:38 pm

You ripped out my heart
But with yourself you must live
That must really suck

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Baci February 8, 2013 at 2:38 pm

Chump lady is a very strange name
But man she on her game
She serves it straight up
To cheaters that hump
So good that they have no one to blame

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r louise February 8, 2013 at 2:42 pm

Betrayed once again
By one who pledged love to me
Lesson is now learned

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r louise February 8, 2013 at 2:51 pm

You said I was much too controlling
So for others you stayed out late trolling
Now you’ve caught one it seems,
Found the girl of your dreams
Through divorce court your head will be rolling

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Baci February 8, 2013 at 2:51 pm

Her man, he comes from New Zealand
His dick, in need of some semen
He swallows drug called Viagra
So she things she is in Niagara
But really she’s made me a freeman

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Hurt1 February 8, 2013 at 2:57 pm

You didn’t like crab cakes for Thanksgiving
And didn’t think I made much for a living
You treated me like a doormat
Because you really are an asshat
Besides excuses are just quibbling

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Chump Lady February 8, 2013 at 9:18 pm

You can have me for crab cakes anytime. What kind of freak doesn’t like crab cakes, on Thanksgiving or any day?

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Hurt1 February 9, 2013 at 10:44 am

What is so funny about his crab cake outburst was that he bought the meat & made them. It was all his idea!!!

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Chump Lady February 9, 2013 at 5:09 pm

That is *messed up*!

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David February 8, 2013 at 3:43 pm

CL,

You are a genius! This is just the kind of “brute force” psychotherapy/esteem building at which you excel. What’s best is that you are ridiculing the n-people who chumped their spouses. N-people take themselves so seriously. They did what they did because they had “unmet needs,” because they “worked so hard,” because “the pressure was so great,” because…etc. etc.

What you are doing is skewering these self-serious morons with much-deserved ridicule. You are also giving your readers a space to really “re-see” (see again, to re-envision) those n-people in a way much closer to reality, and to have fun doing it! In any case, CL, your idea of “poetry therapy” deserves great praise. Well done!

Well done!
Said the chump son,
To the famous CL,
Whose website he knew well,
And from which he learned,
How not to be burned…..

Well, I need work on my poetry skills, but your work here is great!

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skatergirl February 8, 2013 at 3:49 pm

couldn’t agree more, chump son.

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Chump Lady February 8, 2013 at 9:18 pm

Brute force haiku as therapy… I’m meditating on this… hmm.

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skatergirl February 8, 2013 at 4:08 pm

I replaced the ex just fine
with a cute puppy found online
kept me warm at night
and never did bite
Clearly a more pure bloodline

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Terra Luna February 8, 2013 at 4:24 pm

O cheating husband,
third time a father with my
best friend’s baby. Dick.

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Chump Lady February 8, 2013 at 9:19 pm

OMG!

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Dani February 8, 2013 at 4:44 pm

Rachel is a whore
but you fucked her anyway
enjoy misery

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Dani February 8, 2013 at 4:46 pm

cake is wonderful
but you didn’t get it here
keep looking asshole

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Bede February 9, 2013 at 5:54 pm

Dani, I love you.
I wish you lived in my town.
Make someone happy!

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Dani February 8, 2013 at 4:49 pm

I once looked at you with love in my eyes
But you went off to chase butterflies
You porked a ho-worker
and then hold me a tear jerker
But now all I see are your lies

Reply

Dani February 8, 2013 at 4:50 pm

4th line… *hold* = told

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Dani February 8, 2013 at 4:52 pm

you trampled my heart
and didn’t even think twice
you super-suck

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Dani February 8, 2013 at 4:57 pm

you said it was me
but I am one sexy bitch
you’re an idiot

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Chump Lady February 8, 2013 at 9:20 pm

Kinda sums it up!

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Dani February 8, 2013 at 5:00 pm

You told me the fault was mine
but Chump Lady was so kind
to tell me the fact
that its you who are whack
and now you no longer shine

Reply

Dani February 8, 2013 at 5:03 pm

too bad for you that
I don’t trust in unicorns
but divorce kicks ass

Reply

Dani February 8, 2013 at 5:05 pm

This is so fun… but I should really bet back to work now. Lol!

Reply

Named for Vera February 8, 2013 at 5:16 pm

There once was a cheat near Nantucket
Found a ho-bag — decided to fuck it
They lied and they cheated,
Betrayed, and manipulated.
Now he’ll learn what it’s like to be Meh.

Reply

ThatGirl February 8, 2013 at 5:20 pm

Brunette, Redhead, Blonde
Of all of them is he fond
His dick must be serviced
He’s not even nervous
About all the women he’s conned

Reply

ThatGirl February 8, 2013 at 5:21 pm

Sexting, Porno, Affair
All tempting like an eclair
Normal people resist
But he must persist
In getting laid elsewhere

Reply

ThatGirl February 8, 2013 at 5:22 pm

How could I be blind for so long
While he was out making use of his schlong
I was working night shift
When he gave her a lift
In MY car! He is so wrong

Reply

ThatGirl February 8, 2013 at 5:23 pm

The narcissist was intense
Many affairs he would commence
But I’m leaving him now
Just want to say “ciao”
I am no longer on the fence!

Reply

Chump Lady February 8, 2013 at 9:21 pm

Yea!

Reply

ThatGirl February 8, 2013 at 5:24 pm

He thinks he’s so good at deceiving
What a web of lies he’s been weaving
He’s not as smart as he thinks
I found his email links
And now, I will be leaving!

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Hurt1 February 8, 2013 at 6:35 pm

You said that the jewelry was only from JC Penney
Oh, that was start of your lies which were many
You said the cheapness of the bling
Meant it really wasn’t anything
But I say go to Hell, you & your whore Jenny

Reply

Chump Lady February 8, 2013 at 9:22 pm

Lie, lie, lie, lie, lie
Lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie
You are a bad man.

Reply

Chump Lady February 8, 2013 at 9:26 pm

Fuckfest in Vermont
On your return you gift me:
One pound of coffee.

Reply

ThatGirl February 9, 2013 at 11:51 am

love this. i got tea from starbucks OW gave him.

Reply

Chump Lady February 8, 2013 at 9:28 pm

Hey, Max is your son.
Not that guy in New Jersey’s.
OW gets around.

Reply

Chump Lady February 8, 2013 at 9:32 pm

Narcissistic jerk
Borderline, bipolar freak
A perfect couple

Reply

Chump Lady February 8, 2013 at 9:35 pm

I never liked your
teenage elf literature
you ugly man-child!

Reply

ThatGirl February 9, 2013 at 2:40 am

Christmas come and gone
Jewelry from Tractor Supply
Can’t make this shit up

Reply

Chump Lady February 9, 2013 at 5:10 pm

Please tell me what kind of jewelry comes from Tractor Supply? I must know! OMG.

Reply

ThatGirl February 10, 2013 at 2:54 am
Chump Lady February 10, 2013 at 8:57 am

OMG that is ugly! When you care enough to give… cubic zirconia.

Reply

ThatGirl February 9, 2013 at 2:41 am

Not much left to say
Following discovery
Game Over, I win

Reply

ThatGirl February 9, 2013 at 2:42 am

My man can’t keep it in his pants
Our relationship never had a chance
He works so hard but not at his job
Finding new chicks to polish his knob
There will be no more “pick me” dance

Reply

ThatGirl February 9, 2013 at 2:44 am

AirTran and Southwest are his hunting grounds
With multiple flight attendants he gets around
I work all day while he has sex
It’s the reason he is now my ex
My freedom I have found

Reply

ThatGirl February 9, 2013 at 2:46 am

He frequents all the dating sites, ‘Ashley Madison’ is a fave
For all those married hookups he really seems to crave
He’s busy juggling relationships, telling each she is the one
It all seems like so much work, don’t know how he thinks it’s fun
On my own again after 13 years, it’s time for me to be brave

Reply

ThatGirl February 9, 2013 at 2:50 am

The state of my life is a bummer
‘Cause he couldn’t resist a good hummer
Our relationship has concluded
The truth he has eluded
He marches to a different drummer

Reply

LassoOfTruth February 9, 2013 at 11:03 am

My wife doesn’t love me anymore
So I’m always seeking a side fuck whore

You did what? Told your husband?
You fucking bore!
It’s supposed to be our dirty little secret!
Now I can’t trust
you anymore!

*sigh* Off I go in search of another!
You were never REALLY unlike any other.
You’re all interchangeable.
Didn’t you know? A side fuck HO is a side fuck HO.

All that matters is they play the same game
Lie, deceive and be emotionally lame.

So thanks for nothing you truth telling loser!

Sincerely,

A life long emotional abuser

Reply

MovingOn February 9, 2013 at 2:40 pm

When you found her you really got pumped,
in your car the two of you humped,
you stayed with me for cake
acting lovingly fake
but good-bye, I am done being chumped.

Reply

Bede February 9, 2013 at 5:04 pm

OK, I’ll say this.
“Be a fool, not a scumbag”
More “meh” anyone?

Reply

Bede February 9, 2013 at 5:08 pm

Humiliating,
the silly dance of “pick me”.
Find a new partner…

Reply

Bede February 9, 2013 at 5:10 pm

Done un-raveling
the skein of fuckupedness?
“Amazon used books…”

Reply

Chump Lady February 9, 2013 at 5:11 pm

LOL!

Reply

Chump Lady February 9, 2013 at 5:12 pm

“I like being a
Narcissist!” he said. For real.
Waste of therapy.

Reply

Bede February 9, 2013 at 5:44 pm

OMG! beautiful! Had to read it a few more times…

Reply

Bede February 9, 2013 at 5:13 pm

No more cake you fuck.
I’m out of ego kibbles.
you can eat me now…

Reply

Bede February 9, 2013 at 5:20 pm

Don’t give me this crap.
“Forgiveness imperative?”
I don’t wish you dead…

Reply

Bede February 9, 2013 at 5:24 pm

Think I don’t get you?
You’re not edgy, just plain dull.
Now where’s that knife…?

Reply

Bede February 9, 2013 at 5:27 pm

Oops CL, remove the contraction in “where’s? Thanks, Bede
PS: I could go on and on with Haiku form… But I’m past my limit for lurking here today. I love you, but too much Chump Lady is not good meh! (for me…)

Reply

ThatGirl February 10, 2013 at 2:45 am

It must be a lonely existence
That they chase with such persistence
My lesson was learned
I’ll no longer be burned
By lies told with such insistence

Reply

ThatGirl February 10, 2013 at 2:46 am

What is it like with
No feelings at all inside
Lonely life for sure

Reply

ThatGirl February 10, 2013 at 2:47 am

I could not comprehend
How badly my heart you would rend
It’s all out in the open
I must quit my mopin’
To myself, now, I must tend

Reply

ThatGirl February 10, 2013 at 2:48 am

Big lies, bigger lies
So much fiction to wade through
I need a long nap

Reply

Janet February 10, 2013 at 6:21 am

He found an old flame on facebook
And knew he loved her with one look
So he’s divorcing me
But now I can see
That I gave and he just took

Reply

Chump Lady February 10, 2013 at 10:00 am

The worst gift ever –
Tie-dye license plate cover.
You suck. Epically.

Reply

Bede February 10, 2013 at 1:18 pm

“Jerry Garcia,
was not as lucky as me.
I can flip you off…

Tie dye… ;-)

Reply

Chump Lady February 10, 2013 at 10:10 pm

It was pretty dreadful. Even Jerry Garcia would puke.

Reply

Chump Lady February 10, 2013 at 10:14 pm

Serial cheater.
Are you a sociopath?
Or just an asshole?

Reply

Chump Lady February 10, 2013 at 10:18 pm

Polar fleece again?
Disguise your fat gut somehow.
Oops. No. It’s showing.

Reply

Chump Lady February 10, 2013 at 10:21 pm

Bald. Fat. Hairy back.
Did I find you attractive?
Powerful spackle.

Reply

Dawn February 11, 2013 at 11:20 am

Let’s all take off those rose-colored glasses once and for all. :)

Reply

Chump Lady February 10, 2013 at 10:23 pm

Cheater Valentine:
Flowers for you and you and
you. We’re all Special.

Reply

Chump Lady February 10, 2013 at 10:25 pm

“I am not defined
by my relationships.” What
the fuck does that mean?

Reply

Chump Lady February 10, 2013 at 10:29 pm

A bipolar drunk.
Compete with her? WTF?
You’re not that great, thanks.

Reply

Marie February 10, 2013 at 11:49 pm

Spackle, pretzel, change
You wonder why I will not
Goalposts move too much

Reply

Dawn February 11, 2013 at 11:27 am

Rose-colored glasses
no more; now my eyes have been
pierced with goblin glass.

Reply

nomar February 11, 2013 at 3:38 pm

Character vacuum
Yes, you suck . . . like a Hoover
A bag filled with crud

Reply

Marie February 11, 2013 at 7:04 pm

Sparkles caught my eye
Thought I saw you in the yard
Dog ate foil wrapped treats

Reply

Bede February 11, 2013 at 7:41 pm

HAH! Brilliant!

Reply

Chump Lady February 11, 2013 at 7:57 pm

Ooh. Took me a moment to get the sparkly turd ref! :-)

Reply

r louise February 14, 2013 at 10:10 am

LOL! Our dog ate a pack of gum a couple months ago and I had to check for the little tin foil wrappers. Now I will always think of sparkling turds!

Reply

Bede February 11, 2013 at 7:57 pm

“OK, take a bow…
Great! Now take another bow…
Now, go take a hike!”

(Guitar player in my old band used to say this to people who jumped up on our stage and just haaad to sing… I think it could apply to cheaters too.)

Reply

Bede February 11, 2013 at 8:11 pm

“Truth blows. It’s a fact.
How blind did I have to be?
Truth blows – No contact…”

Reply

moda February 11, 2013 at 8:50 pm

You took your time and shopped online
for that Crack whore / Coke whore
YOU called her that, not me.

But when it came to Christmastime,
you rushed out and to get me
nothing but a Mr. Coffee.

What were you thinking you idiot?
I already have a Cuisinart!

15 years down the drain.
Valentine’s Day? Skip it, dude!
I can obviously do much better than you.

Reply

Carol February 12, 2013 at 4:23 pm

Here we go:

beloved wedded spouse
now a brain fogged louse
courted an old flame
but she found him too lame
so now I am getting the house

Reply

Cpacan February 13, 2013 at 2:35 am

I thought I had won the prize
But she was the devil in disguise
Now I’m left with the memories
and all the sudden insecurities
Think I’m done being one of the nice guys

Reply

nadia February 13, 2013 at 4:05 am

Life with you & our kids was a dream
I felt like the cat that’d got the cream
until you left us at Xmas
and spent it with your mistress
now all my heart does is scream

Reply

Baci February 13, 2013 at 4:43 am

What is love?
Love is everything
Why did you give it way

Reply

Dawn February 13, 2013 at 11:50 pm

Callous heartbreaker
Body Snatcher pod person
Who are you? Stranger.

Reply

kb February 14, 2013 at 10:18 am

So moist and tasty,
Fluffy whipped cream, red cherries.
POP! Divorce is served.

Off topic: For Valentine’s Day, I bought myself a box of chocolates. STBX says that my Valentine’s Day gift is on its way. This would normally be fine, since any time Valentine’s has fallen in the work week, we’ve always put off celebrating until the weekend. Also, this year he actually managed to get me something that I’d like (sub-$100 cappuccino maker). Bonus to him for spotting both the need and recognizing my desires. Unfortunately, I have been looking through his purchases, and found out that the OW is getting silver jewelry. Also, messages suggest that they’ll be able to see each other tonight. I’d say he’s a son of a bitch, but his mother was cheated on by his father. What a piece of work!

Reply

kb February 14, 2013 at 10:22 am

Silver sparkles bright,
Stalking my dreams late at night.
My wife drinks coffee.

Reply

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