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Infidelity Valentine’s Contest

valentineAre you sick of all the treacly candy hearts and pink teddy bears out and about this time of year? Valentine’s Day can sometimes be a painful reminder that other people are happily coupled up and you’re the kid with the empty shoebox, awaiting the classroom Valentine that never comes.

There’s no cure for it, except February 15… but don’t be blue! In honor of the holiday of love, send Chump Lady your cheater valentines!

Now’s the time to take out your creative frustrations in the form of a haiku or limerick devoted to your cheater. Best submission wins a “meh” travel mug (or other mug of your choice). Post your entries here in the comment section, or email them to me at Chump Lady

A haiku is five syllables, seven syllables, five syllables. A limerick is five lines with the rhyming scheme (AABBA). Don’t send me lugubrious free form verse or sonnets. (Ode to My Divorce Retainer…) I want short and funny and snarky. Give a fellow chump a laugh.

Here, I will demonstrate:

There once was an OW named Denise
Her hair was worse than her teeth
Yellow dentures and wig
She resembled a pig
Or a convict on early release

Reconciliation
Unicorn so sad
Secret cell phone found

You can do this chumps! Snark away! The winner will be announced on Valentine’s Day, Thursday, February 14, 2013 and I will draw a cartoon to go with the winning submission. You can submit as many entries as you want to.

{ 215 comments… add one }

  • Chump Lady February 8, 2013, 9:22 pm

    Lie, lie, lie, lie, lie
    Lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie
    You are a bad man.

  • Chump Lady February 8, 2013, 9:26 pm

    Fuckfest in Vermont
    On your return you gift me:
    One pound of coffee.

    • ThatGirl February 9, 2013, 11:51 am

      love this. i got tea from starbucks OW gave him.

  • Chump Lady February 8, 2013, 9:28 pm

    Hey, Max is your son.
    Not that guy in New Jersey’s.
    OW gets around.

  • Chump Lady February 8, 2013, 9:32 pm

    Narcissistic jerk
    Borderline, bipolar freak
    A perfect couple

  • Chump Lady February 8, 2013, 9:35 pm

    I never liked your
    teenage elf literature
    you ugly man-child!

  • ThatGirl February 9, 2013, 2:40 am

    Christmas come and gone
    Jewelry from Tractor Supply
    Can’t make this shit up

  • ThatGirl February 9, 2013, 2:41 am

    Not much left to say
    Following discovery
    Game Over, I win

  • ThatGirl February 9, 2013, 2:42 am

    My man can’t keep it in his pants
    Our relationship never had a chance
    He works so hard but not at his job
    Finding new chicks to polish his knob
    There will be no more “pick me” dance

  • ThatGirl February 9, 2013, 2:44 am

    AirTran and Southwest are his hunting grounds
    With multiple flight attendants he gets around
    I work all day while he has sex
    It’s the reason he is now my ex
    My freedom I have found

  • ThatGirl February 9, 2013, 2:46 am

    He frequents all the dating sites, ‘Ashley Madison’ is a fave
    For all those married hookups he really seems to crave
    He’s busy juggling relationships, telling each she is the one
    It all seems like so much work, don’t know how he thinks it’s fun
    On my own again after 13 years, it’s time for me to be brave

  • ThatGirl February 9, 2013, 2:50 am

    The state of my life is a bummer
    ‘Cause he couldn’t resist a good hummer
    Our relationship has concluded
    The truth he has eluded
    He marches to a different drummer

  • LassoOfTruth February 9, 2013, 11:03 am

    My wife doesn’t love me anymore
    So I’m always seeking a side fuck whore

    You did what? Told your husband?
    You fucking bore!
    It’s supposed to be our dirty little secret!
    Now I can’t trust
    you anymore!

    *sigh* Off I go in search of another!
    You were never REALLY unlike any other.
    You’re all interchangeable.
    Didn’t you know? A side fuck HO is a side fuck HO.

    All that matters is they play the same game
    Lie, deceive and be emotionally lame.

    So thanks for nothing you truth telling loser!

    Sincerely,

    A life long emotional abuser

  • MovingOn February 9, 2013, 2:40 pm

    When you found her you really got pumped,
    in your car the two of you humped,
    you stayed with me for cake
    acting lovingly fake
    but good-bye, I am done being chumped.

  • Bede February 9, 2013, 5:04 pm

    OK, I’ll say this.
    “Be a fool, not a scumbag”
    More “meh” anyone?

  • Bede February 9, 2013, 5:08 pm

    Humiliating,
    the silly dance of “pick me”.
    Find a new partner…

  • Bede February 9, 2013, 5:10 pm

    Done un-raveling
    the skein of fuckupedness?
    “Amazon used books…”

  • Chump Lady February 9, 2013, 5:12 pm

    “I like being a
    Narcissist!” he said. For real.
    Waste of therapy.

    • Bede February 9, 2013, 5:44 pm

      OMG! beautiful! Had to read it a few more times…

  • Bede February 9, 2013, 5:13 pm

    No more cake you fuck.
    I’m out of ego kibbles.
    you can eat me now…

  • Bede February 9, 2013, 5:20 pm

    Don’t give me this crap.
    “Forgiveness imperative?”
    I don’t wish you dead…

  • Bede February 9, 2013, 5:24 pm

    Think I don’t get you?
    You’re not edgy, just plain dull.
    Now where’s that knife…?

  • Bede February 9, 2013, 5:27 pm

    Oops CL, remove the contraction in “where’s? Thanks, Bede
    PS: I could go on and on with Haiku form… But I’m past my limit for lurking here today. I love you, but too much Chump Lady is not good meh! (for me…)

  • ThatGirl February 10, 2013, 2:45 am

    It must be a lonely existence
    That they chase with such persistence
    My lesson was learned
    I’ll no longer be burned
    By lies told with such insistence

  • ThatGirl February 10, 2013, 2:46 am

    What is it like with
    No feelings at all inside
    Lonely life for sure

  • ThatGirl February 10, 2013, 2:47 am

    I could not comprehend
    How badly my heart you would rend
    It’s all out in the open
    I must quit my mopin’
    To myself, now, I must tend

  • ThatGirl February 10, 2013, 2:48 am

    Big lies, bigger lies
    So much fiction to wade through
    I need a long nap

  • Janet February 10, 2013, 6:21 am

    He found an old flame on facebook
    And knew he loved her with one look
    So he’s divorcing me
    But now I can see
    That I gave and he just took

  • Chump Lady February 10, 2013, 10:00 am

    The worst gift ever —
    Tie-dye license plate cover.
    You suck. Epically.

    • Bede February 10, 2013, 1:18 pm

      “Jerry Garcia,
      was not as lucky as me.
      I can flip you off…

      Tie dye… ;-)

      • Chump Lady February 10, 2013, 10:10 pm

        It was pretty dreadful. Even Jerry Garcia would puke.

  • Chump Lady February 10, 2013, 10:14 pm

    Serial cheater.
    Are you a sociopath?
    Or just an asshole?

  • Chump Lady February 10, 2013, 10:18 pm

    Polar fleece again?
    Disguise your fat gut somehow.
    Oops. No. It’s showing.

  • Chump Lady February 10, 2013, 10:21 pm

    Bald. Fat. Hairy back.
    Did I find you attractive?
    Powerful spackle.

    • Dawn February 11, 2013, 11:20 am

      Let’s all take off those rose-colored glasses once and for all. :)

  • Chump Lady February 10, 2013, 10:23 pm

    Cheater Valentine:
    Flowers for you and you and
    you. We’re all Special.

  • Chump Lady February 10, 2013, 10:25 pm

    “I am not defined
    by my relationships.” What
    the fuck does that mean?

  • Chump Lady February 10, 2013, 10:29 pm

    A bipolar drunk.
    Compete with her? WTF?
    You’re not that great, thanks.

  • Marie February 10, 2013, 11:49 pm

    Spackle, pretzel, change
    You wonder why I will not
    Goalposts move too much

  • Dawn February 11, 2013, 11:27 am

    Rose-colored glasses
    no more; now my eyes have been
    pierced with goblin glass.

  • nomar February 11, 2013, 3:38 pm

    Character vacuum
    Yes, you suck . . . like a Hoover
    A bag filled with crud

  • Marie February 11, 2013, 7:04 pm

    Sparkles caught my eye
    Thought I saw you in the yard
    Dog ate foil wrapped treats

    • Bede February 11, 2013, 7:41 pm

      HAH! Brilliant!

    • Chump Lady February 11, 2013, 7:57 pm

      Ooh. Took me a moment to get the sparkly turd ref! :-)

      • r louise February 14, 2013, 10:10 am

        LOL! Our dog ate a pack of gum a couple months ago and I had to check for the little tin foil wrappers. Now I will always think of sparkling turds!

  • Bede February 11, 2013, 7:57 pm

    “OK, take a bow…
    Great! Now take another bow…
    Now, go take a hike!”

    (Guitar player in my old band used to say this to people who jumped up on our stage and just haaad to sing… I think it could apply to cheaters too.)

  • Bede February 11, 2013, 8:11 pm

    “Truth blows. It’s a fact.
    How blind did I have to be?
    Truth blows – No contact…”

  • moda February 11, 2013, 8:50 pm

    You took your time and shopped online
    for that Crack whore / Coke whore
    YOU called her that, not me.

    But when it came to Christmastime,
    you rushed out and to get me
    nothing but a Mr. Coffee.

    What were you thinking you idiot?
    I already have a Cuisinart!

    15 years down the drain.
    Valentine’s Day? Skip it, dude!
    I can obviously do much better than you.

  • Carol February 12, 2013, 4:23 pm

    Here we go:

    beloved wedded spouse
    now a brain fogged louse
    courted an old flame
    but she found him too lame
    so now I am getting the house

  • Cpacan February 13, 2013, 2:35 am

    I thought I had won the prize
    But she was the devil in disguise
    Now I’m left with the memories
    and all the sudden insecurities
    Think I’m done being one of the nice guys

  • nadia February 13, 2013, 4:05 am

    Life with you & our kids was a dream
    I felt like the cat that’d got the cream
    until you left us at Xmas
    and spent it with your mistress
    now all my heart does is scream

  • Baci February 13, 2013, 4:43 am

    What is love?
    Love is everything
    Why did you give it way

  • Dawn February 13, 2013, 11:50 pm

    Callous heartbreaker
    Body Snatcher pod person
    Who are you? Stranger.

  • kb February 14, 2013, 10:18 am

    So moist and tasty,
    Fluffy whipped cream, red cherries.
    POP! Divorce is served.

    Off topic: For Valentine’s Day, I bought myself a box of chocolates. STBX says that my Valentine’s Day gift is on its way. This would normally be fine, since any time Valentine’s has fallen in the work week, we’ve always put off celebrating until the weekend. Also, this year he actually managed to get me something that I’d like (sub-$100 cappuccino maker). Bonus to him for spotting both the need and recognizing my desires. Unfortunately, I have been looking through his purchases, and found out that the OW is getting silver jewelry. Also, messages suggest that they’ll be able to see each other tonight. I’d say he’s a son of a bitch, but his mother was cheated on by his father. What a piece of work!

  • kb February 14, 2013, 10:22 am

    Silver sparkles bright,
    Stalking my dreams late at night.
    My wife drinks coffee.

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