Jealous of Their Fabulous Life and Needs Karma

needs karma

She needs karma, stat. Friends keep telling her about her ex and Schmoopie’s fabulous life. Where is the justice?

***

Dear Chump Lady,

How does one get over the horrible feeling of jealousy?

I ended our 33 year marriage eight months ago after many years of being chumped… chumped over and over again, but never having hard evidence. I finally got it, called him on his shit and pointed him to the door.  Since then I’ve been to counseling, a divorce recovery group and have read so many self-help books that I could just explode.  

I’m so sick of the woo-woo way I’ve been told to “get over” this…breathing, mindfulness, tapping (EFN–check it out), and on and on…all very calm and “spiritual” and none have done me any good until I discovered Chump Lady and found out that my anger and nausea and disgust are not out of line and are, indeed, a healthy way to get that creep out of my life and head.

But as much as I am so happy to be living on my own and not in the presence of that narcissistic, alcoholic, sex-addicted creep

I can’t shake the feeling of wanting to see him and his skank go down in flames.

Instead, when I showed him to the door, she let him live rent free in one of her many rentals. (Her husband was all for it because he was told by them that I was the one having the affair and poor, poor dickhead was “kicked to the curb.” Meanwhile his wife and my husband were getting cozier and cozier.)  So eight months later, the husband now knows the truth and has left the area, leaving his skanky wife the beautiful home they owned, several rentals that are her source of income, and her dalliance with my STBXH.

They are giddy! His business is dying, but that doesn’t matter because she has enough money for both of them, he rarely contacts our grown children, and the two of them are out buying cars for themselves and socializing and having fun. Meanwhile I’m home, going to work every day, living with my two aging and needy dogs (I love them but, hey, they’re dogs!) and hearing about all the fun and escapades my ex and his skank are having. It’s eating me alive!

I have such a need for retribution or at least some kind of karma.  

I was married to the jerk for 33 years — never once cheated or even ogled another man, worked every year we were together — sometimes supporting him as he went back to school (and boinked co-eds) and even after our two kids were born I was only allowed 3 weeks off after each of their births. He has always been independently employed and could come and go (mostly go) as he wanted.  Now he has access to 50% of everything I have struggled to put away (pension, Social Security, IRAs that came directly out of my paycheck, etc.) and I have my dogs.

My kids won’t talk to me about it because they don’t want to feel negative about their dad. They tell me it takes two for a marriage to fail and resent me for booting their poor, poor, dad out.

I’m pissed! I want retribution!

I hate to hear of all the fun my ex and his skank are having. Sure, I want to move on but just can’t seem to get beyond wanting to see those two go down in flames. It just doesn’t seem fair and I guess that’s what I’m having trouble with. How does a person who has tried to do everything right, devoted herself to a sham of a marriage, now past her prime and feeling old and used up (I’m heading very quickly toward 60) feel okay about the way things have unfolded?  

I hate to admit it, but I’m jealous of them and feeling sorry for myself. How do I get beyond that?

Signed,

Chumped

***

Dear Chumped,

Well for starters, Chumped, stop being the conduit of their happy tidings. How exactly are you hearing about “all the fun my ex and his skank are having”? Are you snooping? Stop that. From them? Consider the source and go no contact. Your kids are grown, you have zero reason to be in touch. From “friends”?

Tell them unequivocally you do not want to hear about your ex’s fabulous life and that it is painful to you.

Real friends don’t stir up the drama to hurt you. Real friends only gossip about your ex if it’s to tell you that a giant tree has fallen on his house and crushed his BMW. Anything less than a karmic reckoning is not worth the news wires, okay?

If it’s from your children? Again, you need to enforce your boundaries. “Your father’s infidelity was very painful to me, so please understand that I don’t want to hear updates on his life.” When they say “it takes two for a marriage to fail” consider that they are probably mouthing the crap he has told them. Also consider they’re not married themselves, have no experience of betrayal, and are talking out of their asses. As any parent can tell you, children are sometimes insensitive creeps. Nip that shit in the bud just like you would any other bad behavior. “Junior, you don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about. Let’s change the subject, shall we?”

And that goes for you. If you don’t want your children to bring up your ex, YOU need to not bring up your ex with your children.

They don’t care about cosmic injustice of it.

I know that is hideously unfair, but they don’t. They want to love both of their parents. If you take the high road and keep your mouth shut (beyond telling them the truth of why you broke up, he cheated. Without editorializing, because he’s a narcissistic sex addicted asshole…), they will figure out who he really is in time. They cannot NOT figure it out, because disordered wingnuts always let the crazy show. It’s who they ARE.

Next, YOU need to internalize that is who he is. When you really do that, then there is NOTHING to miss. If you really believe that he is a “narcissistic, alchoholic, sex addicted creep” then you won’t care how many free rental units he can mooch off the OW, you’ll be relieved he is out of your life. Trust that he sucks.

No one envies a woman shackled to a narcissistic, alcoholic, sex addict. NO ONE. Figure out what you thought you saw in him, (other than your investment of 33 years), and let Mr. Imaginary Husband go. He was a figment.

The injustice? You have to eat that shit sandwich.

I’m not going to tell you to mindfully Ohmm it away. Face the shit sandwich and acknowledge it. Realize you are in very good company. Millions of people have been chumped. People deal with far worse than infidelity and survive.

You’re jealous of his imaginary good fortune, because you don’t have a life that you want. Direct your energies THERE. Create that life that YOU want. Nelson Mandela spent 27 years on Robbin Island doing hard labor, unjustly. He got out and became president of South Africa. That’s setting the bar pretty high, but consider that there are worse shit sandwiches.

Who do you want to be?

Do you want to be jealous of some low-life cheating skanks, or do you want to be someone who overcomes adversity? No one can give you back 33 years. Only you can make the most of your remaining life. It’s WORK. I’m not going to lie to you, it’s fucking hard work to rebuild and reinvent. But it’s rewarding work that has real pay offs in peace of mind, deeper friendships, and laughter — things you’re never going to have when you rue your past with that creep.

Every time you waste mental energy being jealous, you’re stealing from yourself. You NEED that energy to focus on you, on rebuilding your fabulous new life without him. The OW commuted your sentence to the “narcissistic, alchoholic, sex addicted creep.” Step out of the cage.

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Been Chumped
Been Chumped
11 years ago

Thank you. That’s exactly what I needed to hear. Onward!

Nord
Nord
11 years ago

Excellent advice as always, CL And chumped, I totally get what you’re feeling. I’m coming off 20 years and having to face up to the fact that STBX is a serial cheater who really is a total dickhead. He’s with the final OW right now and from the outside it seems like it’s great, they’re blissful and I’m sitting here trying to rebuild the career I’ve paid no attention to for a long time, losing my home, facing some pretty huge issues. But you know what? Just like the OW in my situation, the OW in yours has got herself a guy who cheats. And not just a one-off, oh-we-fell-in-love-after-more-than-three-decades-of-being-faithful but instead it’s ‘shit, I’ve really lost my wife and now I’ve got to make this work because otherwise I look like a massive dickhole’. STBX more or less admitted this to my kids-that he’s hanging on to the final OW because he doesn’t have anything else. Pathetic, isn’t it? And isn’t she just so, so lucky?

As far as the kids, Yeah, keep in minimal but I’m not quite as saintly as CL suggests. When this all first hit and STBX was being absolutely rotten to the kids because, you know, they are a TAD upset, I was clear that their dad has issues that go far beyond cheating. I don’t say much anymore, although I have had the odd meltdown, but overall I do allow them to talk about their dad (mine are still early teens) but have reached the point where it pisses me off to hear about him and OW so I now tend to cut them off quite quickly and say that I’m not all that interested in what their dad is up to.

And I tell them why: he hurt me a great deal, as did OW, and I prefer to not be hurt anymore.

Good luck–it sucks and it’s hard but you really will be ok.

Erika
Erika
11 years ago

Dear Chumped – this part sucks big time!! I don’t have anywhere near the history that you have but my life, I swear, sometimes feels like a prison. I feel so stupid for what happened – I ignored my better instincts and what I knew. For starters, I blocked and I mean BLOCKED any form of contact that the X might employ to keep contacting me – and I cut out everyone in my life who could give any status updates, big or little, unconscious or not, of the new couple. You must do all you can to create a predictable environment for yourself – put your helmet and goggles on and just grind thru. I have SO MANY revenge fantasies and I totally want everything for them to go up in flames!!! When I catch myself in those feelings and thoughts, I make a conscious decision to ask myself what it is I want from my own life.

All that said, its hard – sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t, but, its not like you can give up. Fantasy and hope dies hard. Do as CL says – don’t give these turds any more real estate in your life or in your soul. I’m not saying its easy – but, its the ONLY path out.

That jealousy thing is so poisonous and it hurts so much. I get it. God, I SO get it! Keep the faith – but you must purge from your life any avenues of information or updates (the fact notwithstanding that some avenues are more easily purged than others, like offspring). If people cannot respect your wishes, then purge them – and DO NOT ASK!!!

Believe me, I know all this is easier said than done – I feel bad giving advice here sometimes, like I wasn’t chumped enough or something but I feel all the things everyone else feels – so, for what its worth…… in my humble opinion. My history is well documented on this site, starting back in November 2012 with CHUMP LADY PLEASE DECODE THIS – and it was a revelation. And sometimes, as they say, the truth just hurts and hurts.

Eve1274
Eve1274
11 years ago

Wonderful advice! It truly is the best way to go. No contact and eschew anyone who gives you information. You can’t be jealous of what you don’t know.
I’m in a similar situation. Ex has now admitted to a serious relationship with OW and wants to introduce our daughter. They are both working and living it up at every opportunity. I’m unemployed and struggling to make ends meet.
So what did I do? Put a brave face on and say I don’t have an issue with that. Smile when they take my daughter out and spoil her and cry my eyes out when the door is closed.
I won’t give either of them the satisfaction of thinking I care or am jealous.
The wheel of fortune is at the bottom now, but it sure as hell won’t stay there if I’ve got anything to do with it!

Hope49
Hope49
11 years ago

Chumped, I seriously think you are going to get some pretty satisfying retribution and see the BITCH of karma real soon! Why? Well, let’s look at what you said about your STBXH

“I ended my 33 year marriage 8 months ago.”

8 months is NOT that long ago. You were with him for 33 years- that’s a LONG time in chump land. You will and should be experiencing anger for a while. Feeling like you wasted time is understood. You have 33 years and I have 20+ years of marriage. Feel angry, keep reading CL.com, go no contact, and sign up for perhaps a kick boxing or karate class. THAT will make you feel better and heck at worst you’ll develop some abs and core strength! NEXT you wrote:

“his business is failing”

You are seeing the beginning of the end right here! Your STBX didn’t work all that hard at his businesses over the years. He boinked co-eds when he was in school, came and went as he pleased in his business. Because your STBXH was a cake eater he neglected his business, was focused on ego kibbles. What is going on right now? Is he investing in his business and working long hours? No, he and the OW are buying cars and socializing. Just watch, I’m betting that as his business and finances start failing he’s going to feel like sh*t and start cheating on the OW at some point. Next he will either need to get money from the OW or a bank to help his failing business. A bank will likely turn him down or give him a loan with HIGH loan terms. If the OW gives him money to ‘help’ his business he’s going to resent that. If she balks at financial assistance, he will resent her and then the passive aggressive cheating will be going on while he is with OW.

Your STBXH sounds like he has zero discipline. He will live on to create his own destruction.

Your STBXH is living in HER former husbands rentals. The OW’s ex-husband got real wise and left the State. This action on the ex-husbands’ part likely outed the OW and your STBXH to a WHOLE lot of people that you don’t know. Word gets around and they won’t be able to maintain their lies about how you kicked your husband out. blah, blah, blah. . . .

Your kids will continued to mature. They will marry and have kids. Where will STBXH be? Babysitting? Making scrap books for the grandkids? Helping out with birthday parties? Probably NOT, right? CL is right, as the will grow up and as their lives get complex with spouses and kids they will see their Dad for the narcissistic cake eater that he was and is.

CL is right. Focus on what YOU want. STBXH is out of your life and your kids are grown. Do YOU want to go back to school? Start a side business venture? Take up a sport or activity that you would have liked to do with your husband when married but didn’t cause you were always working hard? Carpe Diem. Start making the life you want to live cause you no longer have to exhaust all your energies making a life around STBXH or with him.

Just watch, I am betting that if you start doing all of this and focus on YOUR life, in one year’s time you will already start feeling like a ‘new’ woman! Good luck to you Chumped- I’m giving you a big ((Hug))!

anudi
anudi
11 years ago
Reply to  Hope49

Hope 49, you are amazing at your analysis for this guy’s future! CL, you are right. “Reconstructing your life is hard work.” I think this one matters most! And when hard work is the demand from chumps like us…where is the time to be jealous? Why not use our energy is recreating ourselves. Do things that please us.
However, being jealous is human. We have to allow ourselves to be that for some time, till we feel in control. Here, we aren’t jealous of rich, young etc. etc. We are jealous of someone, who has chumped us and taken away a lot of our material things and spiritual well being. It is okay to feel so for a while. But, we have to “let go”. Otw, we are helping them chump us even more, by making us still concentrate on their affairs!
A lot of times, we think that the serial cheater is happy. He is only happy when he is getting his cake and eating it too. With the cake gone, he definitely should be feeling shit. Hope 49’s analysis also shows that his future seems bleak too. As for the eating cake, why don’t you get in and find out for yourself – how good it feels to be in their shoes. It shall be a bad feeling! I can assure you that! Chumps rarely find it good in scenarios, where they have to go against their own core values. Believe me. No vegetarian eats non-veg without an inner conflict…that is what makes this option bad for you. Something else should give you more satisfaction. Time to find that! There is more life has to offer to you. Time to discover that!

Been Chumped
Been Chumped
11 years ago
Reply to  Hope49

Thank you for y our advice, it’s wonderful. (I’ve been gone for the weekend so am just now reading these insights and wonderful responses and I’m overwhelmed!) What you say is true and I will read your response everyday for a month if I have to, to keep in mind what my priorities are and ways to progress forward. The one piece of advice I gleaned from my divorce recovery group was, “Let go or be dragged!” and that will be my new mantra.

Lynn
Lynn
11 years ago
Reply to  Been Chumped

Well said, to the above posts.
Chumped, it`s only 8 months. It may seem like a long time already, but 8 months to your 33 years! Give yourself space and time.
What you`re feeling is totally valid and understandable. But if you can just take the advice been offered here you`ll get through this. There is loving support here from people who know exactly what you`re going through.

I think it is totally admirable that you took yourself out of the mess when you had the evidence – celebrate how far you`ve come and the fact that you`re not still mired in the shit trying to decide what to do. Your sense of self is strong.
While that doesn`t help you with the pain and feelings of jealousy and sense of injustice (all valid and very human to feel that way), it`s a starting point for where you want to see yourself a year from now, 5 years from now.
I (as we all do) can relate to how you are feeling. Not only was I jealous, I was lonely. And in disbelief at the shrapnel all around me. The lives of my children (in their late teens) and mine were shattered and broken. My sense of injustice knew no bounds.
His detachmen and his cold indifference to what and who he had just destroyed was probably the hardest pill to swallow. It was as if our 31 years together had never happened. It was truly the worst and hardest time of my life.
And what was worse is that he appeared to be so happy.
All is not really as it seems. He is now onto his 3rd live-in girlfriend since our split. He doesn`t see our children (now 25 and 24) often and when they do, they are increasingly disillusioned with him. They have both told me that they think he is emotionally stunted. They have both told me individually that he doesn`t get how he destroyed our family.
He has tried to tell them that our marriage wasn`t as good as I say it was, but both have disputed that with him. They witnessed what we had. (That doesn`t stop them wanting to love both their parents though.)
And while it seemed as if he was so happy and was so detached and distant, I wonder if he sometimes actually can`t look at himself in the mirror. My son has indicated this recently.
I too am not a saint – I lost my dignity at times in my anger and the pain. I had meltdowns and I wobbled and I felt so sorry for myself. I eventually moved from the small town we had lived in as a family. That helped me get away from seeing him and hearing how great his life was. It wasn`t in my face anymore. It`s way better since I moved, but it`s still lonely because I live in a city and don`t have my support system of friends around me.
No contact with him and telling people you don`t want to hear about him and his wonderful life will make a huge difference in your healing. It`s like rubbing salt into an open wound if you don`t put a stop to it..
Good luck, keep us posted and know that we all care about each other.

another Erica
another Erica
11 years ago
Reply to  Hope49

Hope – great response!

You’re right, 8 months after a 33 marriage is not a long time. I think sometimes we feel like we need to “keep up” with the old partner… if they appear to be happy, we must be happy. And Right Away! Plus, it’s like we’ve wasted x number of years with this guy, I don’t want to waste any more time mourning his ass. But, unfortunately, we can’t rush our way through this stuff either. That is why your advice to focus on yourself is spot on. We can’t rush through some of the crap we need to feel, but at the same time we are feeling our anger and jealousy, etc. toward them, we should also be working on slowly making our lives richer and more fulfilling by focusing on ourselves and our hobbies, school, work, friends.

Amazon Chump
Amazon Chump
1 month ago
Reply to  another Erica

This comment resonates with me. “if they appear to be happy, we must be happy.” It took me several years to ‘be happy’ post divorce. And because he was immediately off on Mexico vacations with his skank, posting beautiful hand-in-hand, walking-on-the-beach pictures on Facebook, showing their ‘twu luv’, just made me even more miserable. I stopped looking and told my sons not to talk to me about their dad. The reason that I was able to heal was because I started focusing on me and my own endeavors. That is when I became happy again. But the reason that this comment resonates is because I used to think that something was really wrong with me when I couldn’t immediately be happy. I used to think that the reason I was left for another woman is because something had to be wrong with ‘me’. I would say to myself, “Why can’t you be happy? The fuckwit is happy?” I’m 9 years post divorce now and if someone had told me that ‘you are not weird, ‘there is not a thing wrong with you because you can’t immediately be happy’, I might have been more forgiving of myself. In fact, 9 years post divorce has shown me that there’s something wrong with somebody who is married for 30 years, who can dump his wife, and then immediately be ‘happy’ with his skank. That’s what is very weird, and without a doubt, I now know that there is something seriously wrong with people who can do that. These 9 years have allowed me to witness a few other divorces. I have seen that people who were truly committed to their marriages grieve the loss of their marriages just as much as if they were grieving over a loved one’s death . That behavior, grieving a marriage, is absolutely ‘Normal’. The other behavior is not normal. Those people that can lose their spouse after several years and can immediately go off and be ‘happy’, are 1) very shallow people, and 2) their ‘twu luv’ is as shallow as they are. Do I want vengeance? Well, I’m human. Of course I’d like to see their twu luv go down in flames. But whether it does or does not, I’m truly happy that I’m no longer dealing with a fuckwit. I get up and enjoy my days. While married to the fuckwit, I was always on edge because I spent my life trying to make him happy. I’m not on edge anymore and I haven’t been for years. Inner Peace is such a wonderful feeling. Yes, I’d probably get a little bit of satisfaction to be able to witness the demise of his twu luv, but I don’t dwell on his karma anymore.

Mehitable
Mehitable
1 month ago
Reply to  Amazon Chump

“While married to the fuckwit, I was always on edge because I spent my life trying to make him happy.” I read comments like this over and over again, even just on this site, which makes me realize that many Chumps don’t realize how difficult their marriages are until the FW up and splits. The Chump keeps trying valiantly to soldier on and make things work whereas the FW just up and quits because they are the only things that matter to themselves. Marriage is a long game and so is life. I bet most Chumps end up much better at the end of the Game of Life than FWs do because we invest more and work at it.

Erika
Erika
11 years ago
Reply to  Hope49

Hope49 – Damn you’re good!!! Oh and hey, Chumped, I forgot ((((hugs!!))) and remember, women just LOVE a man who can’t pay their way…. NOT. And, money problems ALWAYS make relationships smoother and more rewarding, right??? NOT!!! I think its a pretty good bet that she doesn’t want to be the bank…. and nothing is ever what it seems…..

Money problems…. that was my future with the dickhead cheater and I dodged a bullet. Gotta remember that stuff just for myself.

Stephanie
Stephanie
11 years ago
Reply to  Hope49

AWESOME analysis! Awesome!

Even I feel better after reading that!

Stephanie
Stephanie
11 years ago

Chump Lady, how did you know I needed this little pep talk?

Is it ok to burn the cheap, impersonal souvenirs my ex gave my kids from his recent vacay with the alcoholic BPD homewrecker?

Why would a father rub his kids’ noses in his happy new life, anyway?

“Hey, since I walked out on the family for a skanky ho, I’ve just been yucking it up, big time. Here–I brought you some ugly things to show you I care, and to show you that I went on a vacation without you, and it was fabulous.”

Dick.

Hope49
Hope49
11 years ago
Reply to  Stephanie

Stephanie, I suggest you sort of sit back and watch what those kids do with the cheap, impersonal souveniers.

Depending on your kids’ age, they may think the souvenirs are special. They may have them near their beds, wearing them etc. However, as time goes on that may change. If they’re angry at their father because he’s not showing up to their soccer or little league games, school assemblies, etc. you might actually see them discarding the souvenirs, throwing them across the room, etc. etc.

In maybe 3 or 6 months should you be cleaning their room pick the items up and casually ask them, “Where would you like me to put your Dad’s bracelet, nic-nac, etc. he gave you?” Now, gauge his/her reacton. If your child shrugs, looks mad, ignores the question you’ll get a lot of information and a reading on your child’s mental emotional state.

My son is 17 years old. Our home is not enormously spaceous and I had put away some pictures I had in the house because there just wasn’t enough shelf space. I had tucked away some pictures in his closet. About 3 years ago, I had him clean his room and organize it. His video game collection and computer was taking up a lot of his desk space. I noticed however, that he made space for a particular 5 X 7 framed picture. It is a picture of me- a VERY happy new mom joyusly smiling while I am holding him up in the air. He was only 4 months old and dressed in a little bow tie and blue velvet shorts and suspenders. I am all dressed up. He is so small but he has a grin on his little face looking at his beaming mom.

That picture is STILL there in his room carefully maintained and placed among an array of Sports Illustrated magazines, Marine Times Newspapers, (He plans on enlisting in the marines after high school) and video games. He has never put that picture away. Now, this is the same son who never wants me to hug him in public around his guy friends, and will walk 3 paces ahead of me in public. At home he is still my son. He will lay on the couch next to me to watch a movie.

I tell you all this because your kids will likely reveal themselves to you through objects and keepsakes in the home. Keep your eyes open and watch. You will likely see things that will give you GREAT comfort as to your role and importance in their lives. So don’t throw out those cheap, impersonal souvenirs. Just sit back and watch.

((Hugs)) to you and every fellow chump on this site this Sunday.

MovingOn
MovingOn
11 years ago
Reply to  Hope49

Ditto this. Although this does sadden me, the artwork lovingly made by my kiddos in school is typically all about me. I don’t think that they gave STBX anything for Valentine’s Day, and I received several adorable cards. My DD comes home from preschool with pictures she’s drawn of me and her, me and one of her brothers, etc. My kids hardly ever put him in pictures or draw things for him, even though I encourage them to do things like that. Sad but true.

Erika
Erika
11 years ago
Reply to  Stephanie

Oh Stephanie – chin up – what a dick indeed. You’re so smart and insightful – I wish I was there to help. What a dick!!! You can do this!!

moda
moda
11 years ago
Reply to  Stephanie

I wouldn’t recommend burning your children’s things, no. Those things belong to them now. Let them grow tired of them or learn to see that they are cheap, ugly, & meaningless. Better than them being pissed with you about it.

Roxie
Roxie
11 years ago
Reply to  moda

I like this.
Let those things become meaningless, irrelevant trinkets with no power over you. That is better than burning them!

Stephanie
Stephanie
11 years ago
Reply to  moda

Haha, thanks, moda! *sigh*

GreenGirl
GreenGirl
11 years ago

Your feelings are valid,

That is the first thing we will tell you at Chump Lady. You’re allow to feel angry, betrayed, devastated. It does hurt to see him having fun that you don’t feel he deserves. It’s alright to want him to go down in flames.

But life is not a movie and sometimes seeing the bad people always getting their karma instantly doesn’t happen. Remember, at the end of the day whats most important is that you can look t yourself in the mirror and not have to lie to yourself to make the reflection look good. They do. And that’s worth far more than 10 new cars.

Roxie
Roxie
11 years ago
Reply to  GreenGirl

I wish there was a ‘like’ button so I could use it here! 🙂

Baci
Baci
11 years ago

Chumped, you and I are on same time line, only my boys a younger.
Same shit sandwich though. we both have a perspection that our cheating narcissist exes are going to live happily ever after. Well they are not.
Chainsaw man bought a brand new Volvo SUV 2 weeks after our d day. He’d been driving rental cars for years. It was black my exes favourite colour for a car. What does he want a SUV for considering he has no family here. I was jealous as hell. Well I can tell you as of today the boys have never sat in it and nor do they intend to. WHY?
Well the boys are 13 and 16. I sat down with them and told them the truth. On the third night we were alone after their mum moved out they said at dinner “we don’t understand why this has happened because you and mum never had a fight ,yelled and we were all happy here. ” I told them IN MY OPINION mum thinks that she will have a better life with CSM and her thoughts are effected by her being in love with CSM. Bit like getting a new bike , guitar etc. All you want to do is play it and you will spend more time playing it often at the expense of seeing mates. Then after a time the novelty wears off. They understand.
“Problems in the marriage” is not the point. I don’t give a flying fuck if my ex beat the shit out of me every night. It’s NO EXCUSE TO CHEAT”
Cheaters cheat because they think they can get away from it.
Your husband MAY be telling your children that the marriage was terrible etc but I will assume And I maybe wrong that he is trying to justify the affair. My darling ex wife says that CSM is a good man. He’s calm , sucessful in business , bla,bla, bla.
Good men do not leave their family in another country when the daughters are young. Good men don’t sleep with married woman with young children. Good men don’t take their lover to New York for a marathon instead of her family going. Good men don’t expose their lover to losing friends because of his selfishness.
Clumped I used to be as jealous as hell but in my case these two pathetic sad people are just that. They are isolated lonely and facing reality. I don’t really know what they do day to day and I don’t try and find out
I know my ex spends fuck all time with the boys and he is with her the whole time they are not. They are going to suffocate each other. They work next door to each other. They lunch together.
Focus on yourself. This site helps because we all have common issues. It’s important to take control of your life and live a life that you want to live.
It’s bloody hard work but what choice do we have.
Just think that morally you are far above them.
Money doesn’t buy happiness. Try and reconnected with the children. Don’t belittle their father but its important that they know the truth and know that cheating reflects on the cheater. Every single web site and book says there is no excuse for cheating.

Toni
Toni
11 years ago

Hi Chumped,
I too am jealous. I have been doing pretty good w/ NC, last time I actually saw him was on VDay, with her, very briefly as I was driving to work. A strange thing has happened though, he has “accidently” called me a few times, even waking me up one night at 12:30AM. This is not new, and I actually warned him (CHUMP) a long time ago that even if he doesn’t realize he’s dialed me, I can hear everything being said on his end. Well, it happened again yesterday afternoon, after I had one of the best days I had had in a long time. He and the whore were putting away groceries, or at least that’s what it sounded like, he was talking about his day, steaks, and I think he was trying to persuade her to get a job, altho’ I can’t be sure, and I’m sure she is on food stamps, so that would endanger that possibilty. Am I sick or what? I knew I should just hang up the phone but I felt like I was watching a horror movie (Don’t go in the basement) but I couldn’t, and I sat … and listened …for about 15 minutes…SICK I know I know. But I was so sad, and so jealous, and fooling myself into believing that I was loved once. In anycase I called him back, told him calmly to erase my # from his phone, he said he was sorry (first time he’s said he was sorry about anything) then he started yelling at me. I hung up, called him back and read him the F-ing riot act. I don’t think it will be happening again. But I was weak, and I want you to know you weren’t the only one. It was only 12 years for us, and it’s only been about a month, but I want them to be miserable and burn in hell. Sad but true….1 step forward, 5 steps back, I was so upset I cried and cried, and cried again. But I am getting better, and stronger and am beginning to think I can survive this so hang on, you are not alone…XO

Stephanie
Stephanie
11 years ago
Reply to  Toni

Wow, one month and he’s already seeing the writing on the wall? Trying to change her already? Sounds like a match made in heaven. No, they aren’t living a life worthy of jealousy. But the bitch did you a favor. She dangled shiny sparkles in front of him to distract him, and trust me, one day you will double over in relief–YOU are the one who got away from a guy who would do that to you. Twelve years? I bet you can look back and see that he had it in him the whole time to cheat on you. Bet he wasn’t such a gentleman, kind and attentive and loving.
I know.
Good job, now hang in there. “Only” 12 years is a long time, and you meant it to be forever. It hurts to know you gave your heart to someone who would crush it without a care.
You’ll be ok. You’re smart.

Toni
Toni
11 years ago
Reply to  Stephanie

Stephanie
As always, Thank you, and everyone for your kind words
He was cheating pretty much since year (or day) 1, he made a point of telling me that when I finally confronted him about seeing them together, a letter I got at work etc…And I’m pretty sure he created this thing with her…and I don’t want to trade places with her OR go back, I truly don’t – but there IS some part of me I can’t seem to beat down that says “He’s Mine!” “He belongs here with me!” You are stealing MY life!” Even though it’s a life I no longer want it’s the life I know, have known for so long and sometimes I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore…..like I said…5 steps back…I can’t even begin to tell all of you how much ya’ll being here means to me and hopefully I can give back with some support to CL and Co. He told me that day that he was wrong, damaged, he’d always been that way and couldn’t stop….I just wish I could hate him and stop obsessing, but I feel like I’ve lost a limb.

Stephanie
Stephanie
11 years ago
Reply to  Toni

IIIIIIIIiiiiiii know! I KNOW!

I don’t want dickhead back, either, but it still hurts to have someone stomp on the delusions that kept you feeling secure. (Mostly, like when you ignored or spackled over the crap.)

It hurts to think that the bad guys are winning–it’s SO unjust!

I’M LOVABLE! WHY DIDN’T YOU LOVE ME!? (I am lovable, right….?) All the insecurities are enormous and overwhelming.

But we will each find our ways. Sometimes it helps to remember and write down all the things I hated about him. There were many things. You, too, I bet.

The bad guys aren’t winning, even if it looks like they are. They have to live with themselves, we don’t. It helps to remember that from time to time, as well. I will never have to look in the mirror and wonder what sort of completely fucked up fuckhead I am, that I would walk out of my children’s lives, that I would treat the mother of my children like complete shit and then blame her for the demise of the role in my family. I will not have to lie to friends and family about what happened and hope that they believe me. I will not have to keep running from myself and from the truth. I don’t live with a manipulative, parasitic, borderline alcoholic homewrecker who is thrilled about what I’ve done to my kids and wife. I don’t have to hope my kids forgive me, if not now, then some day.

What about your ex? What does he have to live with for the rest of his life? Being a coward? There is NOTHING sexy about a coward. NOTHING.

nwrain
nwrain
11 years ago
Reply to  Stephanie

Stephanie,
I hear ya on the insecurities. It’s not fair that they did this to us when they were supposed to be our closest ally.
Can’t even think of having another relationship-gives me the willies and besides, who is going to want me? I can imagine if I was developing a relationship sometime that eventually I’d need to say what happened to my marriage, wouldn’t I? I imagine the other person drawing back and not wanting involvement with someone from a distasteful situation–almost like I’m tainted by his gross behavior (years of prostitutes all over Asia and who knows where else).
And what about sex eventually? Ick. I just think about where he’s been like shit on the bottom of your shoe.
I’ve worked really hard to understand why I was vulnerable to someone like him and am working hard to build a satisfying life for myself.

Those who are further along than me, do you get over these things eventually?

Toni
Toni
11 years ago
Reply to  nwrain

Nwrain,
As I had said earlier I was having a really good day till the phone rang…this is what I’VE been doing….
Reading CL religiously, reading some posts / comments over and over
Copying and pasting like mad in a “notebook”
Went to Yoga, very gentle session – made me cry but I felt wonderful for hours
Went to a movie by myself (first time ever)
Cleaning/redoing the apt (this part feels good but also makes me really angry, I may be evicted if I can’t meet the rent on my own AND I’m cleaning up his F-ing mess)
Learning all I can about Narcissism
Practicing gratitude, all of you included
AND, reading CL faithfully!!!! Can’t stress this one enough!!!
XO

Hope49
Hope49
11 years ago
Reply to  Stephanie

Stephanie, you have a couple sentences there that are really important. I’m betting that EVERY chump on this website can relate to:

“The bad guys aren’t winning, even if it looks like they are. They have to live with themselves, we don’t. It helps to remember that from time to time, as well. I will never have to look in the mirror and wonder what sort of completely fucked up fuckhead I am, that I would walk out of my children’s lives, that I would treat the mother of my children like complete shit and then blame her for the demise of the role in my family. I will not have to lie to friends and family about what happened and hope that they believe me. I will not have to keep running from myself and from the truth.”

This is really UNIVERSAL with all of us chumps. Look at all the people on this website that have experienced what you wrote. You, Me, Baci, Arnold, Jay, etc., etc. We need to print this out and paste it on our bathroom mirrors to read when we are having a bad day! We may be in pain BUT at least we are moving OUT of the fog we have lived in and will be deluded no more. On the other hand, our former Cheater NPD STBX’s have to delude themselves and others even more to survive!!! Think about it, we are ripping the band -aids OFF the wounds for the world to see- we are spackling NO MORE!!!. Our Cheater NPD spouses have to step up their game of lying and deluding even MORE! It’s really crazy isn’t it?

I have read that the end years for NPD types are really not so pretty. Psychological treatment for NPD types doesn’t work because they won’t accept responsibility. Their lives NEVER get better and they just keep on spinning. They just blow through more relationships and they end up dying alone and pretty isolated.

Amazon Chump
Amazon Chump
1 month ago
Reply to  Hope49

I know this post is 10 years old, and more than likely Stephanie and Hope49 are now doing wonderfully, but one thing I’d like to say to the new chumps is that you shouldn’t rely on getting satisfaction from this type of vengeance, i.e., the vengeance associated with the pain that fuckwits will feel when they look at themselves in the mirror knowing that they blew up their families. They aren’t that deep. They are shallow people. It doesn’t pain them in the least because they don’t have the depth of character to care. Vengeance really is going on to live a fuckwit-free life by being happy in your own right. It’s hard to see this at the beginning when you are devastated. But true vengeance is knowing that they’re their own problem. Two shallow people finding each other cannot truly be happy in the same sense that you can be happy. Their happiness is shallow and easily replaceable. As CL has hinted at many times, their happiness goes as far as the physical sensation in their genitalia. Chumps grieve the loss of what they think they had, not what they truly had. So don’t think they are deep enough to really be hurt by what they did to their families. Just be glad that you’re not dealing with these types of people any more.

Baci
Baci
11 years ago

Toni

“Stealing my life”
Exactly how I fell. After been here a while and realising a life with our cheating exes would be fraught with danger that’s how I feel. How dare he come along and just steal what we as a family had. It’s broken forever.
How do they expect to go on with this and honestly look our kids in the eye as if nothing happened.
As CL says go out and build a new life but the boys and I were pretty happy with the one we had.
But I do feel like you do often. He’s a low life thief. It’s a crime

Lynn
Lynn
11 years ago
Reply to  Baci

Exactly how I felt too about my life being stolen away from me.
And how dare he!
No matter how much I didn’t want him when I found out about his serial cheating, I wanted the life I thought we had – I couldn’t seem to let go of that. It was as if my heart and mind couldn’t correlate the two pictures of him. Seeing him as the cheater didn’t kill the longing for the life and love I thought we had.
I remember telling someone once that I felt he had stolen my memories from me too.
(We had been talking about pregnancies, the births of our babies, milestones of the kids, etc) Just thinking or talking about aspects of our lives together was raw, raw pain.
I have my memories back now – I took them back and over time, detachment happens.
It’s bloody hard…….. It does get better though. You just have to hang on for all you`re worth.
Then one day you look back and you realize it happened on Tuesday.

Chumped in KC
Chumped in KC
1 month ago
Reply to  Lynn

Lynn,
First, sorry to you and all of us fellow chumps! I think we all feel that way, that our lives were stolen, and that’s because they were, plain and simple. I remember my FW was talking to me about getting an RV when we retired and us (and our disabled son) would go all over the U.S. traveling. He even said this while he and I snuggled every morning. All the future faking is so hard to get over. Just really sucks that a person we were so devoted to and loved so much, is capable of such damaging and reprehensible behavior. The lies and deceit is abuse 100% and is totally traumatizing. Sigh. As Tracy would say, “trust that they suck!”

Toni
Toni
11 years ago
Reply to  Baci

So true Nord, lthough my daughters are grown women with children, and as thier father had passed away many years ago I still feel horribly guilty I brought him into their lives, they really loved him. When we had the confrontation I howled “You were around my Grandchildren!” Which totally baffled him but In MY mind I had exposed them to scum, dirt, lies. You DO NOT include families, children, etc. as if you have the right, ecspecially when he has NEVER been there for his, except for the minimal amount I talked him into……have to let all that go, kncluding his Mother who is hurt and bewildered. but I feel like I’m barely hanging on myself, so have to make it for me first…

Anne
Anne
11 years ago

Dear Chump Lady,

I wish you were around in 2008. I did not even know about narcissists until I was researching divorce on the internet…I had an epiphany!!!

It has still been a long, hard road being married for 25 years with children and things did not change overnight. The term “mindfuck” is so true. It takes a while to get over years of what the other person has told you and your children, but I can’t imagine going back to that kind of life where I was used repeatedly and made to feel so insignificant.

Here is my question…since I do live in a small community and always have the chance of running into him and the OW, what should I do? (He likes confrontation BIG TIME) Since all of this happened, I have been going out of my way to leave the store where they are so that they do not see me. I am getting tired of this, but at the same time I feel intense anxiety at the sight of them alone or together. I do not need to have any contact (our children are older) but I feel like there must be a better way to handle this.

Sincerely,

Stumped

PS: Thank you for giving chumps a voice and letting us know that we are not to blame for another person’s actions. Most of the world tells us otherwise. I like your comments about Huffington Post.

Anne
Anne
11 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Thank you Chump Lady! 🙂

Stacey
Stacey
11 years ago
Reply to  Anne

Oh Gosh, Anne, I think about that too, especially now that my ex and OW bought a house in my town. In my fantasy, I have all the Target guests running from the store shrieking “Adulterer Cooties! Run!” But in real life, unless my kids are with them, I will probably ignore them. Looking forward to CL’s advice too.

Toni
Toni
11 years ago
Reply to  Anne

Good question Anne,
Same situation. Bad anxiety. Actually scared at times and I’m 52! Looking forward to CL’s advice while also thinking how absurd and unfair it all is…

Janet
Janet
11 years ago

Like alot of theses posts have already said you are only 8 ms into a process that is different for everyone. Your EX and the OW are still in bliss. Just wait. One morning she may wake up to the fact that he is a narcissistic, alchoholic, sex addicted creep. Who knows maybe he will show his true colors and cheat on her. You are not even 60 yet. You have some good years left in you with the freedom to do what YOU want!

Slice of Hell
Slice of Hell
11 years ago

You know what, CL? Not all of the advice that you and the other posters give out helps everyone all of the time, but a lot of it helps some people some of the time. That’s all I could hope for on my daily visit to your site. Something to help make it through the day, a small nugget to cope, a ray of hope….something.

You just gave it to me right here: “The OW commuted your sentence to the ”narcissistic, alchoholic, sex addicted creep.” Step out of the cage.” -CL

She commuted my sentence…..wow. It’s my a-ha moment. It clicked! Ironically, the one person who I thought destroyed my life, is actually the person who set me free to pursue a new one. Here you go OW, here’s my baggage, all of his issues, the drama, the doubt, the gaslighting, his mood swings. The baton is yours. GO FUCK YOURSELVES.

Amazon Chump
Amazon Chump
1 month ago
Reply to  Slice of Hell

What a wonderful expression and oh-so-true! “The OW commuted your sentence to the narcissistic, alcoholic, sex addicted creep.” “Step out of the cage.”

Meghan
Meghan
11 years ago

Chumped, one useful tool I’ve used to internalize the reality of my ex is a list of all the things “I Will Not Miss (and what she can look forward to)”.

I was very deliberate in being as mature as possible in constructing this list. I left off the name calling and insults and focused on his behavior. Whenever I’m feeling down, and missing the “good times”, I read the list. When I read things like “His emotional stonewalling”, “His lack of graciousness”, or “His inability to cut loose and just be silly”, I realize that I’m better off not having him for my partner.

In an inverse way, this same list will provide me with a blueprint of what qualities are important in finding my future love. I’m not ready for him yet, but I know he’s out there. I’m happy to know my “picker” is wiser for having gone through this horrible, gut-wrenching experience.

Chumped, I know from experience that the “no contact” rule is imperative. Focus on that for now, and you will be amazed how much stronger you will start to feel. (Note, I didn’t say “deliriously happy”, but your new-found strength will get you there.)

-M

Amazon Chump
Amazon Chump
1 month ago
Reply to  Meghan

What a wise way to go about starting the healing process, i.e., coming up with a list of what you will NOT miss. How insightful for Meghan to have done this.

kim
kim
11 years ago

Once again excellent advice Chump Lady, you rock. You have great hair!

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
1 month ago
Reply to  kim

3B curls– fabulous! My family is northern Euro with massive curly hair as well which, according to anthropological history, can be like a stamp on our migratory ancestral passports demonstrating that some forebear or other must have hailed from Spain or Lebanon or elsewhere in Africa or central Asian or all the above. Maybe that’s why people approach us speaking the local language in many places we travel. One way or another we probably have distant relies nearby.

But there’s apparently a certain psychology to curly hair in straighter hair regions– an assumption that people with curly or kinky hair– no matter the color– are a bit “wild” and unpredictable or irresponsible. It can also generate irritating or unsafe assumptions that curly-haired women are highly sexed or “easy” which can bring out the pervs or trigger irrational distrust. Since I think behavioral genetics are a eugenic crock of shit, I see the assumptions as a kind of fragment of racism that can have a self-fulfilling effect. I warn my Shakira-haired daughter that she doesn’t have to play along with others’ assumptions about her character– unless it works for her and she thinks it’s funny. It helps that she thinks most stupid assumptions are funny.

There have been times when the outcome of some encounter is crisis level (like advocating for a disabled and sick child, etc.) when I’ve sadly straightened my hair to kick up the “don’t fuck with us” factor. I always feel a bit bad about doing it like I’m betraying my curly, kinky global tribe and tend to feel extremely leery towards anyone who makes me sense this is necessary to survive a confrontation. But, hey, sometimes members of the underground wear disguises.

Genesis
Genesis
1 month ago

I needed this today. 🩷

Orlando
Orlando
1 month ago

I think the ex-husband is getting some karma…he’s having to kiss the arse of his Ms Moneybags every day to keep the tap flowing. Once you find your own vibe – and you will – trust me, they could be doing it on the sidewalk in front of your house & you’ll step over them to get into your car & be on your merry way. You just have to focus on your own life; whether, it’s rescuing animals, writing a blog, going to school, focusing on your job, joining a bookclub/walking club/any club, getting a second job, taking up pottery or selling stuff on the weekends at farmer’s market…there is a wealth of possibilities out there to create a busy & interesting life without your ex. I’ve done it, as a billion others who’ve had to recreate & rearrange their lives. It sucks you were married to such a superficial chap as I was too & that takes time to heal from. Give yourself that grace, but definitely start taking steps to recovery ❤️

Viktoria
Viktoria
1 month ago

Oh yes, do I ever relate to this letter writer. I’m craving retribution; ALL of this advice helps thank you!

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
1 month ago
Reply to  Viktoria

Because I was bullied as a kid, dated a few minor duds before getting married and worked with some world class horror shows, I fully trust that shitty people eventually flip themselves into a ditch. I have stories that seem like proof karma or divine intervention must exist even though I don’t believe in any of it. I also know that, by the time those things come to pass, you’re typically way beyond caring. In fact, there’s this weird thing that’s happened several times where even gloating over a genuinely horrible person’s misfortune just feels like too much proximity to something gross. I’ve ended up turning away from the news like a Victorian damsel holding a violent-scented hankie to my nose to daintily avoid a whiff of pig shit on the summer breeze.

Blue Bayou
Blue Bayou
1 month ago

The opposite of love is not hate; it’s apathy.

susie lee
susie lee
1 month ago
Reply to  Blue Bayou

Not according to Oxfords language’s

I only say it because I know the push is to get to meh, but it is entirely ok to hate until you get there, as long as you don’t break the law, or hurt yourself.

I found that once I allowed myself to really be angry and really despise my ex, I started to heal. The meh came, but I still never wanted to be around him again. Just like any other creepy person I didn’t want to be around.

OHFFS
OHFFS
1 month ago
Reply to  susie lee

I don’t want to speak for Blue Bayou, but that principle is about feelings, not antonyms. Hate means the FW still lives in your head. It means you still have feelings. Apathy is meh. It is the opposite of having either love or hate for somebody. However, hate is the first stage to getting there. When that’s gone, you’re in the promised land of meh.

Last edited 1 month ago by OHFFS
susie lee
susie lee
1 month ago
Reply to  OHFFS

Oh I will always have feelings for the memory of my fw. He was my sons father, and I dearly loved him, but neither the hate or love has hindered my years of meh.

In the last few years of his life I just felt sorry for him, bad health bad decisions etc. He had crapped all over his relationship with our son. But I still never wanted to be around him.

I just have no interest in being around folks who act like that.

Bluewren
Bluewren
1 month ago
Reply to  susie lee

I agree.
Ignore those who say we mustn’t be angry and be all peace love and mung beans.
Anger propels us forward through the hard stuff and makes us get up and get busy.
Don’t get destructive but DO get angry and let it allll out.

Attie
Attie
1 month ago

Someone in another comment said that schmoopie did you a favour by taking FW out of your life and that was SOOOOO true for me. I hated his guts by that time (violent, alcoholic spendthrift) who was spending his way through BOTH our very good incomes so we were constantly broke! Schmoopie lasted three years until she cheated on him and told EVERYONE about his violence. So in comes latest schmoopie (an old acquaintance from school) who I personally think saw his enormous pension (double mine) and the beautiful place we live and wanted some of that. So while she may have gotten her hands on the pension (she barely has a pension of her own) she didn’t get a visa for France so thankfully they both moved back to the US. BUT I was very resentful about having to take out a massive mortgage at age 53 to buy him out AND the fact that he had this massive pension and no longer had to work. In the end though, I know how terrible he is with money (he told me as much when he came over to meet our new grandson) and here’s me having paid off the house (again) and travelling the world, which has always been my passion. I never needed the fancy cars (that he never took care of), didn’t spend my evenings by rounds for all and sundry in the ho bar and REALLY knuckled down, living on one-third of my salary in order to retire early, having paid off a 17 year mortgage in 7 years. When they got together, latest Schmoopie posted all over FB that “I’m retired”. Well that didn’t last long because I guess she found out about his spending and had to go back to F/T work. I don’t know what’s going on with the violence (maybe nothing because there is family around) but she only gets two weeks’ vacation a year, he’s still always broke and my kids can’t stand her. So he gave up all this for all that! Cheers F/W I’m off to Thailand on Saturday!

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
1 month ago
Reply to  Attie

I hope you write a book. And it gets made into a movie. And stars some cool Shakespearean actress who also plays down-to-earth and funny very well. I Eat, Pray, Love.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
1 month ago

Wonky laptop posted before I was ready. I wanted to say I need an antidote to Eat, Pray, Love.

Attie
Attie
1 month ago

Oh I’d definitely be the antidote to Eat, Pray, Love (although I have been to Bali and Italy is just 45 minutes away). I was so very, very resentful for so long and then I just thought “fuck it” and started travelling again. I hated my life with him and I love my new life and freedoms!

Amazon Chump
Amazon Chump
1 month ago
Reply to  Attie

Have a wonderful time!!

Attie
Attie
1 month ago
Reply to  Amazon Chump

I’m sure I will. I had decided that this would be my last long haul, but then I saw the Golden Triangle trip to India so who knows what will happen next year!

Eirene
Eirene
1 month ago
Reply to  Attie

Attie, you are my idol. Love hearing about how you have gained such a wonderful life!

Attie
Attie
1 month ago
Reply to  Eirene

I always loved travelling, even before I married, and I never cared about expensive things (unlike him). And ultimately, now that I’m older, I don’t care about things in general so am decluttering like mad. It’s personal, but I never saw the point in spending money on unnecessary things – I much prefer experiences!

Bluewren
Bluewren
1 month ago

Make a list of what you are ACTUALLY losing – list points like liar, thief, cheat, abysmal in bed, snores like a rocket leaving Cape Canaveral, picks his nose…you get the idea.
Pull it out every so often or read it every day to remind yourself they ain’t all that and never were.
Karma moves in mysterious ways- the father of my children is living his and the smug OW and abuser of my children is getting the same treatment I did- as I knew she eventually would.
It all comes around even if you never see it- just know it does.
As for the current FW and his Klingon- the clocks ticking on them too.
Remind yourself those creepy Facebook posts where they look like they’re trying a little TOO hard to look smug and satisfied are carefully designed to hide many layers of filth and chaos.
He’s still the same person- he’s just got his A game mask on currently- but it’ll come off like it did with you.
In my case, if she wants to cling on with all her might to an alcoholic, lying, thieving , cheating, stealing, abusive, disordered, hygienically challenged teenager in a 52 year old body – that bars so low a worm couldn’t get under it.
Remind yourself as often as you need to- you are missing out on NOTHING.
Now leave old Nothing alone and move on down your path of future happiness.

Chump-Domain Cleric
Chump-Domain Cleric
1 month ago
Reply to  Bluewren

This helps a lot. I have no idea what happened to ex/FW besides he moved. I gray rocked his hoovering and he stopped, eventually. Do I wonder sometimes? Absolutely. But whatever happens to him, good or bad, is his concern. My life is just better without him in it.

Bluewren
Bluewren
1 month ago

Good for you- that takes some mighty strength!

LookingForwardsToTuesday
LookingForwardsToTuesday
1 month ago

I’ve never needed karma to do her thing, as I’ve always worked on the principle that the best revenge is a life well lived. Knowing what the kids and I have achieved since my divorce to Ex-Mrs LFTT was finalised 7 years ago is enough. The cherry on top of it all was celebrating Christmas 2023 in my own house with all 3 kids and their partners ….. sharing a bottle of wine in the lounge while the kids played their choice of records from my vinyl collection (Rumours by Fleetwood Mac was youngest daughter’s “go to”) after dinner was utterly priceless.

LFTT

Mehitable
Mehitable
1 month ago

That sounds amazing and well earned!

Eirene
Eirene
1 month ago

LFTT, what a great time that must have been. Good music, good wine, good people…in your own home, no less! Here’s to gaining a wonderful life.

Last edited 1 month ago by Eirene
LookingForwardsToTuesday
LookingForwardsToTuesday
1 month ago
Reply to  Eirene

Eirene,

It was utterly blissful. Youngest daughter (now 20, but 11 when her mother left us) nailed it when she said “There is absolutely nothing that I would change about this moment …. it is perfect.”

LFTT

Amazon Chump
Amazon Chump
1 month ago

Congratulations! How very wonderful for you! I haven’t received that kind of feedback from my sons, but we (at least me and two of my sons) have a great time together. I hear that they visit with their dad, but it seems (though I don’t ask) that the wifetress is not in the picture when they visit with their dad. She is never mentioned and when she is, she is mentioned in negative terms. I don’t think life is as wonderful as the fuckwit thought it would be when he dumped me. What’s so nice is that when I visit with my sons, my significant other is also welcome and around them as well.

LookingForwardsToTuesday
LookingForwardsToTuesday
1 month ago
Reply to  Amazon Chump

AC,

It’s been a long hard road to get where the kids and I are now, but it’s been worth it.

Youngest daughter is at University, but lives with me outside of term time. My son is now 25 and lives with me, as he works locally. Oldest daughter (27) lives and works about 3 hours away, but comes here whenever she can. I involved them in most of the decisions on the new house (which was a new build, so we had a lot of freedom), including colour scheme, decoration, furniture and artwork. They all see it as “their home” rather than “just somewhere that Dad lives.”

LFTT

Eirene
Eirene
1 month ago

Amazon, how wonderful that you have such a nice life with your children and your SO.

LFTT, I’m glad you have settled into a home that has no association with ex Mrs LFTT. I was able to purchase my mother’s house after her death, and while it is an absolutely lovely home, it still holds memories of the times we visited here as a family. The last time ex was here, he went canoeing on the lake every morning at 6am. At the time he seemed wistful, as if he were saying goodbye to a place he had vacationed for over 20 years (and he was, as he never returned here.)

I love this place, but there are still echoes of all the many good times we had here, which is bittersweet. But every year I feel the loss less, and now my ex has become only “somebody I used to know.”

Your post has made me realize that it’s time to deliberately make new memories here, so that the old ones recede a bit. Not quite a symbolic smudging in order to expel old spirits, but perhaps more akin to adding another layer of frosting to an already delicious cake.

Amazon Chump
Amazon Chump
1 month ago
Reply to  Eirene

Go and make great memories! I got my Grandma’s little house, and it was a very precious inheritance for me. The fuckwit took his skank there. When I was trying to save my marriage, the skank informed me of some things “that I should know”, and the bitch purposely told me of her visit to my grandma’s house. She knew how much my grandma’s house meant to me and that I would see it as completely defiled. I hated my fuckwit for doing that. In fact, I think I hated him more for taking her to my Grandma’s house than when he fucked her in our bed. But the years have gone by and it is just a house and it is just a bed. I continue to have great memories at my Grandma’s house and it is his loss that he can never go back to it. He was the biggest loser, and so is your ex. He can no longer go canoeing there every morning, and believe me, he misses it. You keep going there and all those memories of him will not matter anymore.

Eirene
Eirene
1 month ago
Reply to  Amazon Chump

Thanks very much, Amazon. You know, I realize that so much time has passed since he was last here, it’s time to brush away any memories of him in my lovely space. I now live here full time, and since this tiny town saw me arrive here (where I got married, incidentally) post DDay looking like a zombie, then witnessed me caring for Mom in her final days, and finally embraced me into their small community, they have made me truly feel like a part of this tiny town.
I’m so glad you banished the memory of that disgusting jerk and his skank from your lovely little house. You are mighty!

Last edited 1 month ago by Eirene
Cam
Cam
1 month ago

Dear Chumped,

I spent years seething at the injustice and waiting for karma. It took a long time to arrive. Fuckwit was off living his life like any self-absorbed manchild. On the surface, he seemed untouched. His new wife thought he hung the moon and when word got back to her about how he’d abused me, she said I was obviously just some crazy girl who couldn’t get over him.

By Year 5, she’d gained 100 pounds from the stress of being married to him.

By Year 8, their apartment was ground zero for the worst toxic mold infestation in their city’s history. The public health department had to show up in hazmat suits and condemn the property. They lost everything, including family heirlooms. They sued the landlord for damages and lost.

By Year 10: Liens, evictions, multiple lawsuits, multiple job losses. Fuckwit finally graduated college at 55 after years of fucking around and still refuses to get a job. Fuckwit didn’t show up to pauper’s court because he thinks he’s above the law, so the judge threw the book at him. The step-kids got fed up with all the chaos and all three of them moved out overnight to go live with their father, so now Fuckwit and Wife are devastated.

I heard about it all from an extended network of people who hate him because surprise, he burns bridges with everyone. Eventually I told people not to give me any more updates because I stopped caring. The updates had satisfied and amused me at first, but at a certain point it finally hit me that this is who he is. A complete and utter fuckup. A self-absorbed dumbass missing the empathy chip. “Karma” was really just consequences for a lifetime of bad decisions.

That’s when it finally hit me that his abuse was never personal, he just sucked. Karma can be satisfying, sure, but putting our lives on hold for it means we don’t really trust this person sucked and on some level blame ourselves. The shit show my ex has made of his life really shoved my face in the truth of who he is. It was never about me.

Real talk, your ex is a failure who’s living off some other woman’s dime, and she somehow thinks she’s won a prize because she’s stupid. All she’s “won” is a cheater who’s found his next meal ticket. He’ll screw her over as soon as he finds a better deal.

There’ll be more consequences for them down the road, even if you don’t see them. People don’t live their lives in a vacuum. Bad decisions and lack of integrity permeate everything they do, from how they handle relationships to how they file taxes.

P.S.

Am I amused by the karma? Sure.

Did it help? Absolutely.

But in hindsight, I wish I’d focused on my own recovery sooner. A decade is a long time to hold onto one’s grief and rage. I would’ve been better served by trusting he sucked sooner, without needing more proof.

My story is no different than yours, even if the exact details vary. Fuckwits fuck up everything they touch and pay the price eventually, even if you don’t know about it.

Last edited 1 month ago by Cam
Mehitable
Mehitable
1 month ago
Reply to  Cam

“Real talk, your ex is a failure who’s living off some other woman’s dime, and she somehow thinks she’s won a prize because she’s stupid. All she’s “won” is a cheater who’s found his next meal ticket. He’ll screw her over as soon as he finds a better deal.”

So true, so true, so true. We used to call them gigolos but that implies they have something minimal to offer in return, and I’m not even sure that’s true. I’d rather have a dog.

Elsie_
Elsie_
1 month ago
Reply to  Cam

This is priceless: That’s when it finally hit me that his abuse was never personal, he just sucked.

And as our mutual therapist said several times after my ex went off to live near the beach, “Wherever he goes, there he is.” His circumstances and surroundings might appear better, but there he is. And he’s going to bring his sucky self to every relationship.

I also chose to remove myself from most of the information, but a few bits came to light during the divorce process, and afterward, that has only confirmed that he continues to suck.

Thankfully, I am not at all in contact with him, and neither are our adult kids. Life does go on.

Mehitable
Mehitable
1 month ago

You’re feelings are normal and healthy. To have, not only anger, but RAGE, at how you’ve been treated and the injustice of it all, is NORMAL AND HEALTHY. It’s only because other people want to keep you under control to make THEM feel comfortable that they keep telling you this toxic bullshit. ENTIRE NATIONS HAVE TUMBLED THROUGH CENTURIES BECAUSE OF INJUSTICE. Isn’t injustice at the core of so many movements throughout history including various civil rights movement in our own country? Should we have told black people or gay people just to calm down, focus on their navels and go OMMMMMM, and take it? If they had done that, nothing would change. The need for justice is a basic human need that people have felt from the beginning of time – that’s why we have entire religions based on the idea that after we are dead….JUSTICE will be done because we so rarely see it in lifetime. Rulers are remembered – or despised – based on the amount of justice in their reigns.

Injustice is injustice on whatever level, small or large, and you are seeing it in a personal way. While there may not be much you can do about it personally (although eventually I hope there is a movement for Chumps to find justice against adulterous abandoners in general) you should not accept this egregious bullshit about the need to move on at the speed of light. Accept your anger and your sense of grievance as normal and healthy. Fight for your own interests and your kids in every way you practically can. Don’t be nice or pleasant to these assholes and their defenders, stick up for yourself. If anyone tells you to get over it or be pleasant or civil or any of this bullshit, DROP THEM. Unless you absolutely need them for some function, DROP THEM. You don’t have to make speeches about it but these are people who only care about their own emotional comfort, not yours. And many people in our very very very sick society are not able to process anger, which is a source of much of the sickness. Stick with your anger as a motivating agent, anger gets things done. It helps you to move forward. There may come a time when it is no longer useful if it keeps you stuck in the past, but you have to decide when you’ve reached that point.

I think it’s very important not only to go No Contact with your cheater and his whore, but to refuse to accept ANY INFORMATION ABOUT THEM, unless you need it for a legal reason. Don’t go on social media at all, don’t listen to any gossip, if it comes up, just say you don’t want to hear about them. People may not mean any harm by this but it does do harm because it picks at that old wound. You have to process your hurt and anger by yourself, not have people opening up old wounds or making new ones. Tell everyone that you do not want to hear about these two and make it stick. YOU HAVE TO DO THIS and stick to it. I had one boss who did terrible things to me many years ago – things that resulted in job loss and sickness and financial loss and he was one evil SOB, and I would have spat in his face in the street if I ever came across him and I mean that literally. LITERALLY. Fortunately I didn’t because that would have made more trouble for me and eventually once I got involved with other things, other people, and no longer heard about him or that job or the people involved, the sense of rage and injustice melted away over time. Now I can think about him rationally. I still hate this SOB and if I could hurt him in any way with little effort or problem for me, I’d do it. But I don’t think about it or put effort into him and I haven’t for a long time. As far as cheaters go, my first cheater abandoned me without a word nearly 40 years ago….I don’t even think about what I’d do to him, he’s just a non factor in my life. Like an elephant living in Africa, it’s not something I really think about. Eventually you WILL reach this point, but you have to stop getting input about these people and let them start falling into the past. This includes your children too – if they have any relationship with either of them – unless there’s something big like a legal matter, they have to keep it to themselves at this point. It’s too raw.

Sorry to write so much, but this has always been an important issue to me – injustice and anger and revenge and eventually moving past this – and I think our society handles this ALL WRONG. I hope this helps. YOU WILL GET PAST THIS – JUST STOP FEEDING THAT ENERGY WITH NEW MATERIAL. Involve yourself in other things right now even if they just seem like distractions – distractions are good and useful and can lead to other paths. Good luck to you, we’ve all been where you are now!

Last edited 1 month ago by Mehitable
Mehitable
Mehitable
1 month ago

Also, Chumped – don’t worry or even think about forgiveness. Neither of these people deserve it and you don’t owe it to them, it’s not even a factor. You can eventually put them in the rear view mirror without ANY FORGIVENESS AT ALL. Some people simply don’t deserve it and it’s over-rated. You can stop caring about people or a situation without forgiving them. People often use the example of Jesus but when it came down to brass tacks, Jesus told the woman taken in adultery to “Go forth and sin no more.” He said he would not judge her….but he did not say he forgave her sins. Probably because he knew it wasn’t a one time thing, it was a way of life that was not going to change. Unless SHE changed it. So kick all the forgiveness bullshit to the side too….your ultimate objective is to reach a point of not caring, or not caring intently…..meh, as it’s called on this site.

Last edited 1 month ago by Mehitable
OHFFS
OHFFS
1 month ago

I can’t imagine any greater revenge than the FW having to live inside his/her/their own head. Yes, at first you will feel rage, burn with hatred and want some more obvious measure of justice. Eventually, you realize that being that much of a soulless loser (as FWs and APs are) is even worse than being chumped. We can recover, but they will never be any better than they are right this minute. They don’t change. What they did to you, they will keep doing, because they are a void, a nothing. Nothing wants to feel like it’s something, but never achieves it. Best. Revenge. Ever.

Bluewren
Bluewren
1 month ago
Reply to  OHFFS

True, true.
Wherever they go- there they are.

Elsie_
Elsie_
1 month ago
Reply to  OHFFS

Yes, never better, probably worse.

It’s a slippery slope, indeed.

Last edited 1 month ago by Elsie_
Chumpolicious
Chumpolicious
1 month ago

I get it. Financially it sucks. You were handed a big shit sandwich. You are working your ass off and being the sane parent. He is mooching off her now and they are living it up. It sucks. I agree the only way to deal is pretend they dont exist, out of site out of mind. Shutdown people, your kids included who bring them up. Distract yourself, make a happy life, try not to focus on materialistic stuff. A new sportscar doesn’t fill an empty void for long. People who are wealthy dont necessarily have happiness. Dont measure your life by stuff you have. Loved ones, religion, spirituality being an upstanding person, doing kind acts, volunteering, getting involved in the community will make you happier. You will get to meh eventually. You just need to find your purpose.

jahmonwildflower
jahmonwildflower
1 month ago

Great advice. I get it. I was chumped for over 35 years with multiple prostitutes, sex-workers, etc, when I found out…and I’m looking at 70 next birthday. My key go-tos to invest in me, and not his stupidity are centered on intense, daily self-care. Time and effort in self-care do not leave time and effort for things that do not help me. The tapping crap was a waste for me. I belong to a fabulous high-end gym and go there 6 days/week. Take classes, work out, lift weights, sit in the cafe and chat with gal pals over coffee or lunch. Get my weekly mani, see the massage therapist–these are the things I do, so there is little time left over to let him creep into my head (hey, I still have to go to the grocery and do my laundry, you know!). I don’t have a lot of time left, not likley I will have a hot romance, but what is left is not for him. It is for me, my friends, our one child (who he abandoned years ago) and my priorities. I worked my butt off all my life, geting an advanced degree, working through a tough preganacy and mini-maternity leave…he is now old and sick and has no one. That is unfortnate, but not my problem. He made his choices. My advice: invest in yourself. The ROI is always better.

2xchump
2xchump
1 month ago

This is my 71st year. I’m solo now for 18 months and 6 months post divorce. I am living life to the fullest after 2 cheaters. I’m done and thrilled!!

Marco
Marco
1 month ago

Your happiness should not be tied to an X’s unhappiness. I don’t believe in karma.

OHFFS
OHFFS
1 month ago
Reply to  Marco

ITA. Hoping for karma is a waste of time and emotion.

GayDivorcee
GayDivorcee
1 month ago
Reply to  Marco

I agree. I don’t believe in Karma either. The universe does not have to be just and if it is, it is just a coincidence.

Hence the wisdom behind no contact. Focus on what is important to you, your life and your happiness.

Even if my xH wins the lottery and finds a gorgeous man half his age to manipulate, my xH will still be miserable. Because he sucks. End of.

Marco
Marco
1 month ago
Reply to  GayDivorcee

Life can be unfair. It’s all about how you handle that unfairness that counts.

2xchump
2xchump
1 month ago

Dear Chumped..see my code name? It’s 2x chumped, yup, that’s me. Here’s my take..ever watched Olympic downhill skiers? The one where they cant touch those flags on a pole sticking out of the snow banks? That was me in both my cheater marriages. The poles were my warnings and my red flags. I kept hitting them and spackling, all in the name of #1 cheaters devaluing and disregard for me, and #2 cheaters mental illness. D days were like getting down the giant ski run, hitting all those flags and finding out you didn’t win any prizes and you are at the bottom of the mountain with nothing but your ski’s. But in both cases it was over from D day on. OVER. It was like losing limbs on the mountain and now I need new limbs and a different sport. Tracy is 1000% right.( and the cartoons are perfect) Don’t listen to reports, stop scrolling through cheaters life of apparent ease. Both my cheaters were never truly happy because they could not be. Inside their heads nothing was ever enough
Not the money, sex, job, marriage. They just bought another appliance and will use that until they are done using. Using is the word that stops me. I am no longer of use to an abuser. That alone gives me peace. Don’t get mad, get even! Find your happy life without an abuser -user in it. Put your energy into forgiving yourself for being smacked with red flags and continuing to ski downhill. You stopped!! You are mighty!!! My joy is never having sex with a petri-dish ever again, never kissing lips that have been everywhere, not walking on the eggshells of mental illness or supporting a user while they use me. My joy is living my own life and leaving the creep to the trash can I dumped him in. How or when he crawls out of the trash can is none of my business. But even if he crawls out, he’s still at the dump. There is only trash surrounding him and it stinks. Heal your wounds, know it takes a few years to get over the hurt and loss and grief. Forgive the person who loved past the end and get back up again. Read all of Tracy’s and CN writings until it becomes a part of you. I’m 6 months post divorce and my last Cheater took half my retirement and my house. But I’d rather live under a bridge than to ever be under my cheater ever again!