≡ Menu

Trust That They Suck

Here’s a problem people new to this infidelity shit get stuck on all the time — they don’t really trust that their cheater sucks.

They pine. They spackle. They remember the good times. They spend a lot of time in therapist’s offices trying to “untangle the skein of fuckupedness.” They wonder what they did to make this person cheat on them. They wonder why their shared life together wasn’t enough.

Trust that they suck.

When you romanticize all the fabulous things they are doing with their fuckbuddy? The lingerie she bought to show him? The stuff she does in bed that she never did with you? The trip he took her on (probably to a place you went to together).  And you imagine all the wonderful, sexy, good times you are missing out on?

Trust that they suck.

The holidays are especially rough. Especially a holiday like Christmas that’s centered around gift giving. Oh, the OW gets diamond earrings and I get a lump of coal and a giant legal bill? Splendid. Thanks. You may miss those holiday traditions you shared with your cheater, or with their family. Everyone gathered around the hearth, in handknit snowflake sweaters, crooning Christmas carols and eating exquisite marzipan chocolates…(No, it’s probably nothing like that, but the pain of exclusion can play tricks on the mind.)

Trust that they suck. And their family probably sucks too.

We have all these carefully crafted excuses for why they don’t really suck. They’re having a midlife crisis. This isn’t the REAL them. The real them will be coming out of the “fog” and will recommit soon!

Trust that they suck.

Cheaters suck. A person who betrayed you and endangered your health and well-being and your children’s? They suck! A person who is so selfish as to eat cake and fuck around on the side? They suck! When you internalize that they suck, and realize you are pining for a flaming dog turd? Then you will heal.

Why would you pine for a flaming dog turd?

1. You’re human and you’re grieving. We bond. That’s what loving people do. It’s hard to put a shared life into reverse and detach. Grief takes time, and you usually flounder through all the steps, denial, bargaining, anger, before you get to flaming dog turd acceptance.

2. Narcissists (and cheating is narcissism) are really good at projecting that they’re all that and a bag of chips. They were sparkly, and you know how great it is when they sparkle. You fell for it, so it’s natural that someone else would too. The affair partner hasn’t discovered the full magnitude of the cheater’s suckitude yet (look how long it took you), but oh, they will.

The best salesmen and charlatans excel at creating an air of exclusivity. I have something very special to offer you. Are you elite enough to be worthy? They want you to want what they have. They would love for you to do the humiliating dance of pick me and fight to be worthy. It’s part of the mindfuck you’ve been living under, to which the best antidote is reality. Mr/s Sparkle betrayed you. They’ll do anything for an ego kibble. Anything. They aren’t exclusive. They’re slutty.

3. At some level you’ve bought into the idea that this is best you can do. Trust that YOU don’t suck. Part of this is on you, chumps. Trust that you deserve better. That this isn’t your lot in life to pick from the reject pile of humanity. Yes, we’re all God’s children and in some way flawed. This isn’t about acceptance and unconditional love. Adult love comes with conditions — conditions like your partner should not act in ways to actively harm you. Conditions like mutuality and respect. It’s okay to have deal breakers. Your cheater is not the be all and end all. There are other, much better people out there deserving of your time and attention and love. Go find them!

And leave the cheaters to doing what they do best — sucking.

 

 

{ 58 comments… add one }

  • Nord December 18, 2012, 8:29 am

    All very true and very timely during the holiday season. It’s my first one where everything is split and yes, it does suck. I hate that I’m not going to see my kids open all the STBX’s family gifts, which was a big deal and I was very much a part of. I hate that he will even argue about times to return them to me. I hate it all. But what I don’t hate? Not having a sucky slutty cheater in my life. And he is a man-ho. Anyone who’s extra nice to him will eventually get a go, it seems. So as much as I’m not loving the holidays this year I am happy to not have him around. Grrr…just hate that it’s fucked up how my kids feel.

  • leslie December 18, 2012, 9:29 am

    You are EXACTLY right. When you have been cheated on and find out that your judgement is off, you stop trusting your feelings. You WANT to believe the best. You want to validate your original premise about this person…that they are really good.
    I got caught up in this for SO long. Even after the divorce.
    People who betray you aren’t good. They aren’t. They suck. Believe the PROOF that is right in front of you. Stop believing what you THOUGHT was true and SEE what is true.
    Once again, great post, CL!

    • Nord December 18, 2012, 9:35 am

      Very true. Quite recently, in fact, STBX was being a bigger pain in the ass than usual and I reached the point where I simply said, ‘You are a bad person.’ and ended the conversation. That’s what is boils down to: he’s a bad person and if I didn’t have kids with him I would never have to deal with him again. I don’t like dealing with bad people.

      • Chump Lady December 18, 2012, 12:37 pm

        I like that. It’s a conversation ender. “You’re a bad person.” Done!

        • 13YEARCHUMP January 10, 2014, 2:00 pm

          People that cheat are bad people. Period! I wasted 13 years believing my STBEX was a better person underneath the cheating! Big fat lie! Chumplady..spent all of lady tear reading dozens of blogs on cheating & dozens & dozens of books… Yours is the only one which is true to reality!

    • vi_bride December 19, 2012, 7:04 pm

      I have never found as good of an explanation of how I have felt the past 5 years of my marriage. How could I be so blind? Beat myself up the entire time. Questioning my judgement, my intuition…everything about myself. I finally got the wake up call when I caught him starting an EA this past May.

      And he sucked so much he still blamed me for his A from 5 yrs ago. Up until the day I moved out. We are now divorced.

      Sometimes I think ‘suck’ just doesn’t describe him enough…lol

      • Chump Lady December 19, 2012, 10:12 pm

        suck-o-rific? sucktacular? suckapolypse?

        • MO May 23, 2014, 10:56 pm

          sucktastic? suckmagnus?

  • MovingOn December 18, 2012, 11:01 am

    I think this was a hard reality for me to accept because my STBX “only” had one A that had gone on for about three months when I discovered it (to my knowledge, but I have never found evidence of other As, and there were several red flags that led me to the one he had). I started reading about cheating, and I always felt guilty that I didn’t want to reconcile with him– like divorce was only for serial cheaters that one has given previous chances to.

    Yet… even before I discovered CL… there was always this feeling in my gut. So what if it was “only” once? I don’t deserve to be cheated on EVER. I deserve a man who thinks better of himself as well– the fact that my STBX never used protection not only spoke to how little he thought of me but also how little he thought of himself. I deserve someone who has more self-respect in addition to respect for me, and staying with STBX, even if he wasn’t a serial cheater, would be settling for less than I deserve.

    So, I agree with CL and would like to add– any amount of cheating sucks, and even cheaters who only cheat once suck. If you don’t want to give them a second chance, then don’t! I sometimes wonder if, deep down, my STBX assumed I’d just beg him to stay and would try to be the wife he felt he was entitled to instead of the one who “drove him” to have an A. Too bad that I turned out to be a woman of my word… I told him that I’d never tolerate cheating, and I MEANT IT!

    • Chump Lady December 18, 2012, 12:39 pm

      Well done, MO. You know yourself, you know your deal breakers — and I think it’s interesting that you think his affair was his way of getting you to work harder to up your game for the awesomeness that is him. Cheaters soooo deserve that stratagem to fail.

    • Didu September 17, 2013, 6:10 pm

      MO awesome comment! Thanks! I love the way you think and act.

  • Lynn December 18, 2012, 11:32 am

    CL – where the hell were you 6 years ago ? It took me 6 long, pain-filled years to try and work it out. Your take on the spackle is dead-on. That’s what I did in my marriage and after the separation, after the divorce and all these lonely years since. Yes, 6 years on and I am only now not grieving – sad, but true. What a waste of energy and time on a stinking piece of dog turd. I did love the projection of the affectionate, loving, devoted husband of 31 years, while I am guilty of spackling the sicko behind it all.
    All I can say is thank you, thank you, that I had enough sense of self to say cheers, I am out of here (despite his pleadings) once I found out it wasn’t only 1 affair with a younger woman as I had been led to believe. His prolific extra-mural activities with other women and men is mind-boggling. So was his total detachment and distance once I left. It was as if the 31 years together never happened – he had a new girlfriend within a week of my leaving and oh, how I battled with that. The pain of that was indescribable.
    I have never told our adult children the full story, they know he was unfaithful. They are proud of me that I left and would not accept the disrespect and disregard he showed me while projecting the image of the loving devoted husband. Will I tell them the scope of it all? I don’t know. I guess I am still guilty of spackling. It was hard enough on them that we divorced, never mind finding out there Dad is bisexual and a slut on top it.
    I just recently met a lovely man – we have electrifying chemistry between us, we dance, we laugh, we are having fun. We are in our 50’s and life is suddenly fun and full.
    The best thing that happened was finding out the scope of my ex’s serial cheating, though I thought it was the end of my world. Otherwise I would not be free of that piece of stinking shit that I was so proud to call my husband. I have a sense of self and I am proud of myself. Not so pleased that it took me 6 long years to get to this point though, what a terrible waste of precious time.
    Thanks CL you are an angel to all fellow Chumpers.

    • Chump Lady December 18, 2012, 12:42 pm

      Six years ago Lynn? I was climbing out of the abyss myself. My DDay was November 2006. Sorry, I had to spend time in the chump trenches to make every mistake, fail at things quite miserably, and get kicked in the teeth a few times before I accumulated the snarky wisdom you see before you at chumplady.com.

      I am so happy to read you met a lovely man! You deserve every happiness after 31 years with a serial cheater! OMG.

      • Toni February 3, 2013, 8:21 pm

        I’m so glad I found you too CL…

    • Nord December 18, 2012, 2:22 pm

      Good for you! I get teh spackling and the fact that you don’t even realise you’re doing it until you’re out of it. Then they’re furious that you won’t spackle anymore and poof…it’s like you never existed and/or you’re the enemy now. I’m going through it right now. He can suck it.

  • mark December 18, 2012, 2:27 pm

    CL i just want to second, third and fourth what you and Lynn said.i was lost in a fog.had no idea what i was dealing with.for years i just hoped and prayed that somehow she would change and we could be a happy couple somehow.(the abuse reduced my selfesteem to a nub) i would leave her and we would get back together.again and again.when she cheated(the time i caught her) ,we werent living together but were seeing each other.(she stole her friends bf)i made up my mind then and there to get a divorce and when i got my ducks in a row i did just that.THE stupid thing i did was i left the issues of visitation and child support unresolved.(my stupid ass thought we were going to be friends).
    i didnt know what a narcissist is.i had no idea what a cluster b disorder is. i was told (by a church councilor) that she was probably toxic but i was unable or unwilling to really wrap my mind around what that meant.i didnt know that there are a lot of people in the world with personality disorders that cannot change.they are the way they are because their brain is wired that way… its been just more than 10 yrs after the divorce and i finally get it. now i have the knowledge to be in a state of MEH..but still my xw and all her enablers can just go to hell.i just dont care anymore one way or another.and that goes for all narcissists and their ilk and cheering section. they can all just go eat garbage.. i want to thank you ChumpLady and everyone else here and James of menwhoareabused.com and ashrink4men.com.. IM FREE IM FREE

  • Chris December 18, 2012, 2:37 pm

    “I’ve been [cheated on] and left for someone; all those things. And it was sometimes a surprise, and sometimes you saw it coming. The most painful was when I kept trying to get [one woman] back. But we all make dumb mistakes.”

    — George Clooney

    Yes, folks, even GEORGE F’IN CLOONEY, arguably the Cary Grant of our time, multi-gazillionaire and ladies man, has been cheated on and dumped for an AP, just like the rest of us.

    And for all of his celebrity and infinite wealth, George had pathetic moments right along with us. I don’t know the man, but I can only imagine the “I kept trying to get her back” statement implied that there was lots of spackling, Pick Me dances and Post-Trainwreck Romanticizing going on.

    Can you imagine GEORGE CLOONEY doing a Pick Me dance? Someone so rich and famous and TDH (Tall, Dark, Handsome)? It happens to ALL OF US!

    I know. I know. It’s one of those interviews designed to show that celebrities are just like us “regular folks” (“Hey! I shop at Walmart too!”) But there’s also a great teachable moment in there.

    For all the millions of women in this country who’d willingly sign their lives away and do a complete Anastasia Steele lifestyle makeover just for the opportunity to be Mrs. Clooney, there’s more than a few cake-eating, dynamic mis-managers who’d willingly break his heart.

    This doesn’t just happen to male celebrities either; Eva Longoria was also cheated on in her last marriage.

    • Chump Lady December 18, 2012, 4:50 pm

      Just goes to show anyone can be a chump. Even the most beautiful and fabulous among us. Surely this was before he was *George Clooney* and more of the struggling nephew of a has been jazz singer from Kentucky. Talk about the best revenge is living well!

      • Nord December 19, 2012, 4:58 am

        Oy, no picking on Rosemary! Lovely singer and a lovely lady. But yes, the list of fabulous people who have been cheated on is long. No one is immune.

  • Arnold December 18, 2012, 3:06 pm

    Yes, they are really messed up a-holes. it is a simple as that.

  • HeadCase December 18, 2012, 9:35 pm

    So well said. Towards the last weeks when I was beginning to come to turns with the reality of his serial cheating and that it was over and I made a comment to him that I would be sad for a bit and then I’d be over him I caught an unusual look on his face. His mask slipped and he was shocked! He wanted me to be devastated. He wanted me to fall apart at the loss of his Greatness. And so he prolonged the agony. Renewed the hope. And in the end I cried and cried and he loved it. He got off on it. I would take that back if I could along with ever thinking he was all that! He wasn’t. He sucked!

    • Nord December 19, 2012, 5:17 am

      Don’t worry about being honest with your emotions? So he got a bit of a thrill seeing tht you were hurt? That’s his problem and his sickness. Be happy that you’re actually emotionally true to yourself.

      Now, buck up, pull yourself up by your bootstraps and go be happy and awesome. And don’t change who you essentially are while doing that. Find your best self and go be it. He’ll figure out one day, when it’s way way too late, that he screwed up the best thing that ever happened to him.

      • HeadCase December 19, 2012, 7:05 am

        I know! Thanks Nord! I guess he got a good kibble feeding off of that one and I felt emotionally famished.
        You’re right that we need to fill ourselves up and keep going. I’m thinking about your Christmas and being alone. I will be, also, so I’m looking to volunteer somewhere. There’s a group home for troubled boys (or their families) and some don’t get to go home. Maybe I’ll go over there and play some games or something.

        • Chump Lady December 19, 2012, 10:14 pm

          That’s so cool that you’d volunteer HC. Do it! Great way to get out of your own head and help someone who needs bucking up too.

  • SoOverHim December 18, 2012, 11:49 pm

    “Why would you pine for a flaming dog turd?” ~ BWA HA HA!

    CL, you gave me my second howling laugh of the day! … and I love your use of “spackle” :-D

    This will be my third Christmas without the one I loved. This will also be the first Christmas without one member of my immediate family who died suddenly, just two weeks ago.

    No more mourning someone who, out of his own agony, fear, and — the killing blow — asshole-ishness, broke my life for a while. Every loving bond is worth shouting from the mountaintop! As for the rest of ‘em … As one of my friends once said of a certain someone, “May God bless him and keep him … far, far away.”

    As for the ones who leave suddenly, helplessly … We the remaining really need to ramp up our love and our mercy … and our stands for our own good souls. Real love, I’m finding, doesn’t take shit from another. Real love doesn’t fling it, either.

    It really is the hardest work we ever do: to love …

    He and I loved, and we lost. Holy shit, did we lose. There *was* deep, deep love between us … and it didn’t abide. The whole mess makes more and more sense in retrospect … and I know this: I DIDN’T CHEAT.

    To rise up from the rubble and shake that shit off … We are heroes to do this. The worst injury a person can survive, from the soul on out, is betrayal.

    We are heroes who vow, and hold fast to our vow, that we will remain with another we love … We will love, honour, and protect … and if we must leave and we have any control over how we leave, we must go with all the grace we can strew on the road.

    There’s a totality of loss through betrayal that nearly crushes the life out of a person. In some ways, a death is easier to cope with — the ending is utter; that person is GONE. In betrayal …

    So, yeah: Why would we pine for flaming dog turds?

    Me, I’d be doing my bit to put the fire out, for the safety of all. Then I’d be gone. (The *smell–!*) And I sure wouldn’t be pining for the one who flung the turds!

    • Chump Lady December 19, 2012, 10:17 pm

      SOH, I’m so sorry for your loss. And this is a bad segue from my condolences, but LOL at the friend who said “May God bless him and keep him … far, far away”! Love that!

  • hiya there December 19, 2012, 8:00 pm

    This is one of the best yet! Thanks again, Chump Lady!

    • Chump Lady December 19, 2012, 10:17 pm

      Thanks, hiya. Just sorta felt like summing it up in tidy package. They suck.

  • S Man December 19, 2012, 9:55 pm

    Hi CL

    Thanks from downunder. In June this year my ex informed me that she had been having an affair for 2 years and didnt love me. Two weeks later she had a breakdown and ended up in psych hospital (with me rescuing and paying) after i said we needed to carve up the finances.

    Subsequently she said she like like to try again but “needed time”. I didnt know how to do what i needed to do for 4 months. I abstained from alcohol for a month and stumbled on CL. That was the end of her sorry ass!! You articulated exactly her moves and bullshit. My heart and head immediately aligned, im over her and have never been happier. She is still in therapy having been qdumped by the affair twat and me (her faithful husband).

    after 15 years of marriage and 2 kids i have emerged stronger and better than ever. With Xmas approaching my kids and are jetting off to spend some time in the sun with my large, wider family and everything is great. The ex is dealing with the consequences of her actions and id tell you how she is doing if i cared but i dont!

    Thank you Chump Lady you came to me at a time in my life where i needed help in doing what i knew was the only course of action – you rock!

    the S Man

    • Chump Lady December 19, 2012, 10:06 pm

      Thank you S Man! Comments like yours really mean the world to me and make all those what-am-I-writing-a-blog-for? unpaid hours worth it. I’m so glad you didn’t fall for her “rescue me” schtick. And that the kids are doing great! And that you’re much happier! Of course you are. :-) Addition by subtraction. Have a happy holiday there with the kangaroos and wallabies!

  • Arnold December 20, 2012, 8:45 am

    What a great story, S Man. You really figured this stuff out about as early on as anyone I have heard of.
    Weird, isn’t it. One has to come to grips withthe fact that someone you thought you knew was never who you beleived her to be.
    I still cannot beleive I ever fell for the disguise my XW wore during courtship. Once that mask came off, even before the cheating, it was hell living with her.

  • Sara8 December 21, 2012, 11:07 am

    Actually come to think of it, things weren’t so great for me, either.

    I am only now starting to see that I was the victim of what is known as ambient abuse. Apparently that is a type of emotional abuse that is so subtle that it impossible for outsiders or even psychologists sometimes to see, and it’s easy for the victim to rationalize away.

    I was definitely putting more energy into the marriage, I saw plenty of cracks, and the mask slipped quite a few times, but I chalked it up to stress or Mid life crisis or other rationalizations.

  • Bede December 22, 2012, 7:03 pm

    Part of trusting that they suck is trusting that you don’t… That’s hard to do when you are built the way so many of us are – CL describes us as easy “marks”. We tried to be good. We tried to do the right thing. And we think too damn much and too damn hard.

    Sure, we sucked in our own amateurish ways. But can you compare that to a true suck artist? If you can turn your mind to it – you might see the degrees of sucktitude and you might be able to trust that while you too may have sucked, someone else sucked more… At my worst suckage, I was a drab, dull, boringly cloudy day. My ex was the perfect storm.

    • Laurel March 11, 2013, 10:46 am

      Bede, I think a lot of us chumps do suffer from some degree of low self-esteem. I have battled this my entire life. I felt ugly and worthless as a child. I was teased and ridiculed. My father would beat me up. Some how, I was a late bloomer and turned into a beautiful woman, but it still catches me by surprise.

      As for us sucking as an EXCUSE. ha! sure. sure. we had an argument, now he is FREE TO GO OUT AND FUCK HALF THE EASTERN SEABOARD. There are ALWAYS alternatives. Like actually FUCKING talking to your spouse.

      example:

      “honey, when you said, that I had a bush growing out of my nose and that I should cut my nose hairs, it made me feel angry and like punching your face in.”

      Me: Oh, I’m sorry, its just that it makes me wanna throw up. Is there a better way that I can ask you, so you won’t feel demeaned?

      Him: just hand me the scissors. I’ll get the message.

      point being. THERE IS NO EXCUSE. and a husband, like mine who turned it into a lifestyle… keeping at least 2 on the side and constantly looking for fresh pussy…

      we NEVER have the entire story. where there’s smoke there’s fire. If a tree falls and no one is around to hear it, does it still make a noise?

      YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Liberty January 4, 2013, 5:51 pm

    Chump, I love you, very deeply.
    Please can you change your other name to Trixie or something? Anything but T****.
    Feckin go girl!
    XXX

  • Laurel March 11, 2013, 10:31 am

    I don’t know if anyone is still reading this thread or not, but for those who think it was ONLY “one,” that is rarely, rarely the case. First of all, there IS no “only.” Words like “only,” “just,” “a couple” (a couple hundred?) are the loaded words of a serial cheater. They will ONLY confess to what it is that they think that you know and no more. If you find chat, it was ONLY chat– not in person. (wrong) Or sometimes, it was ONLY chat– JUST flirting, no online sex. (wrong)
    Fact: Studies have shown that men who chat and cyber sex online are far more likely to have IN PERSON AFFAIRS than those who don’t.
    and the culprit here is porn. Porn turns into desire and the “ol’ ball and chain” is always so tired, I’ll JUST get on yahoo and see what little tart wants to wake up my wick. so, so, fucking easy and from there… they are gonzo.
    BTW, cheaters very, very often LIE and tell their victims that they are single. clues can be you don’t really know where he lives or where he works. But, some are very slick with elaborate stories of bi-coastal EMPIRES.

    suckorrific!

    This brings me to a question that maybe CL can address, (if you see this) Well, actually its two points and if you’ve already covered this than great and if not, then here are my questions for you.

    Is a man who is otherwise a good husband, father, bread-winner, trash dumper, who’s spending say 10-15 hours a week or even one or two, a cheater? I say yes, for several reasons, but I’d love to hear your take on that.

    Two, my husband had at least one woman that he used as a confidante. She was an ex fuck buddy from 30 years earlier and lives half-way across the world. (very safe distance). Finding their emails of intimate confessions about his OTHER LIFE, traumatized me perhaps even more than the discoveries of the in person affairs. BTW, it was ONLY once or ONLY a few times, or “it wasn’t what you think.” “it wasn’t easy.”

    YES, he said that it wasn’t easy to fuck his 29 years younger, albeit “fat and homely and with lupus” fuckbuddy.

    He also confessed that he lusts after virtually every woman he sees.

    So, sorry for the digression, but that latter constitutes an emotional affair. no sex. (well, that I know of) but the betrayal hurt me deeply.

    I was right there for him. always. (well, always before D-day #1) but I was still there. He could’ve turned his life around. But then again, maybe he couldn’t. Okay… he’s a flaming turd. 27 years down the drain…

  • Laurel March 11, 2013, 10:36 am

    jesus. I should proof-read BEFORE i hit reply. I left out the word PORN in my first question.

    hmmmmmmmmm… very telling, ain’t it. I was so traumatized, I fucking blocked it all out.

    the second question which I never really spat out is: Are emotional affairs considered cheating and an offshoot of that is: is your spouse allowed to have friends of the opposite sex and not include you. My h did this all the time. In fact, one (a married sex therapist)– very cute, petite blond who had cleavage for DAYS, would phone and ask for him straight away. No, “Hi Laurel, how are you… is Fucktard home?”

  • Tallula April 15, 2013, 1:12 pm

    Thank you, from the bottom of my heart Chump Lady. The moment my H told me he had been cheating on me, I knew I would leave him. That he chose when I was changing our 2 year old’s diapers to let me in on this, and that he had actually cheated on me many, many times is an even better indication of his wonderfulness. When I get wobbly in my choice to divorce this man with a 2 & 4 year old, while 23 weeks pregnant, I come here. To shore up my resolve. To stop spackling, stop clinging to the old idea that he actually cares about me. You really have been a lighthouse in the storm. Someone who understands, who has been there…and still says GET THE FUCK OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Kay H April 22, 2013, 9:32 am

    I need to read this every day. “Trust that they suck.” When I start to think of him being all happy with the OW, I have to “Trust that they suck”. Thank you CL.

  • Karen April 24, 2013, 10:06 am

    I have to read this often, as well, because it is easy to forget how badly they suck! This, and my ‘100 reasons I don’t want him back’ doc (only took a couple of months of ocassional additions to get up to 97 DIFFERENT items!).

    It also helps me that all our ‘couple and family’ friends think he sucks, are coldy polite when they run into him (and he didn’t have any friends of his own). And even much of my ex’s family thinks he sucks. He has 3 siblings, all super pissed off at him and not in contact w/him. The relationship w/them was already rocky because he already sucked before fucking around (negative, critical, boring), but his affair was really the last straw. His ex-step-mother can’t bear to be in touch w/him any more. His mom still talks to him because … she’s his mom. But he avoids talking to her, I don’t know if it’s shame or not being able to admit he’s really unhappy, after everything he’s done. And his dad still talks to him – but he’s the one the ex learned violence and infidelity from! Of course, his dad is even more self-centered than he is, so it’s never been a really satisfying relationship. So this summer I’m taking the kids to visit HIS mother and siblings, ’cause the kids don’t want to travel w/him, they don’t know (at least overtly) about the infidelity, but they know he sucks in other ways.

    He sucks, and I’m not the only one who sees it! I imagine even the OW will figure it out at some point – poor her!

    • Kay H April 25, 2013, 8:37 pm

      Karen – sounds similar to mine. My mother in law actually lives right next door to my parents (and in fact rents from them). She is disgusted by my husband’s behavior. Yeah, you suck if your own mother is embarrassed and appalled by what you’ve done. What a douchebag.

      • Karen April 25, 2013, 9:56 pm

        That’s gotta be satisfying, Kay! The guy’s own mother … what a loser he is!

        When I was very young and very foolish and very in love, I married an alcoholic. Took me a few years to figure out how much and how often and how persistently he drank, a few more to use the fencepost on hope, but after I left, his mother said to me; ‘I love my son, but you did the right thing’. Very reassuring.

  • Kay H April 27, 2013, 6:49 pm

    I just had to reread this post. I just saw my husband out riding motorcycles with his girlfriend. First time I’ve seen them together. Luckily I don’t think my 6 and 8 year old kids saw them. They don’t know Daddy left because of another woman. I hate him with a white hot passion but it still made me sick to my stomach. I must trust that he sucks. Better her than me.

    • Karen May 7, 2013, 12:47 pm

      Just the fact that they do this shit when they’ve got kids to raise, kids who love them and count on them … that is TOTALLY proof that they suck! GOOD people make every effort to make their marriages work when there are kids, and if they have to give up, they do it HONESTLY.

      We are grown-ups, we took our chances in getting into these relationships. Our kids had no choice. KILLS ME!

  • merry August 6, 2013, 12:16 am

    I have really enjoyed the wisdom that comes from this sight. I wondered if I could ask a question that I cannot answer. Is every cheater a Narcissist or a BPD? My husband cheated but doesn’t seem to fit the mold as I see described here for N or BPD. I guess I am wondering if there are other categories of cheaters besides those that have personality disorders. If I had to guess I would say my husband might have an addiction to sex. He had always thrived on adrenaline, adventure and enjoys living life to the fullest. He is a pilot and that seems to go along with his personality as well. I would really appreciate any input you all might have.
    I may have posted this in the wrong place but am not sure about how to navigate this site just yet so forgive me!

    • jinx December 21, 2013, 9:53 am

      He sounds like a classic N to me. He’s a pilot and I’m sure everyone knows it. He’s has big balls cause he’s a legal bad boy. I can almost see his swagger. Mine was top notch in the business world and bragged about his business conquest. One woman isn’t good enough. It’s ok to have a little extra, after all he deserves it!

  • Learobjakedrew August 11, 2013, 6:43 pm

    He sucks, he sucks, he sucks. It’s not a MLC it’s not narcism. It not me not being nice enough, sexy enough or exciting enough.
    He sucks.

  • chuck December 8, 2013, 8:29 am

    This is definitely the hardest time to think that they suck. With Christmas coming fast and as a chump husband still getting to pay for the honor of being cheated on it can be hard to remember that THEY suck and not you. When you hear they may be going to a chalet in Gatlinburg over the break and your kids mention that they have cable and the internet when they visit Mom and her boyfriend. That they get to go out to eat everytime or realizing how cool the presents under the tree at their house will be and how bare bones it will be here it is hard to remember. This is not how I thought my life would go………Oh well, I’ll go back to remembering that even if I spent 17 years as chump I am not evil

    • NorthernLight December 10, 2013, 8:53 pm

      Hang in there. Your kids will know you love them and that you are a good, honest person who has their best interests at heart.

      And in a few more weeks it will be 2014 and hopefully 2014 will be infinitely better for all of us.

      • 13YEARCHUMP January 10, 2014, 2:16 pm

        Hi Chuck. I feel your pain. Kids are wiser than u think… They will one day see beyond the spackle and know you love them. Remember she sucks! Reclaim your life, find happiness in your self & remember living well is the best revenge!

  • Lala December 10, 2013, 2:02 pm

    So true! I just hope that the AP will soon find out how badly my husband sucks so she can get karma FAST!

  • jinx December 21, 2013, 9:42 am

    Yes he sucks and so does his family. He is spending Christmas with his parents so that he can bask in a house were his aging parents literally can’t stand each other, but I’m sure his mother will manage to throw a few digs in my direction. When I look at pics of him, I see an old fart who tried to take me down the tubes with him.

    He is dull, boring, mean, and his looks have long faded. There was nothing the other women did better than me….except lick his ass. I am happy, no ecstatic and look forward to my future. I feel like Bruce Willis’ character in “Death Become’s Her.” I have hope and dreams with every new day!

  • Diana L January 8, 2014, 12:05 pm

    I’ve been noticing headlines at the grocery store recently – Tori Spelling has been betrayed by her husband. Is he a sex addict? Does he have a “love” child?

    Spelling met her “soul mate” when he was married with two kids and they busted up the marriage.

    Sometime karma works.

  • blue March 16, 2014, 4:39 pm

    How do I reconcile the fact that my XH seemed so sweet, caring, self-sacrificing, idealistic and a really good person when I met him over 20 years ago back in college? However, there were already hints of something amiss–a “pathologically close” (his words) relationship with his mom and older sister, who both disliked every girl XH ever went out with (including me) and seemed very possessive of him, and autogynephilia (a tendency to be sexually aroused by the thought of being female, wearing women’s clothing, undergoing sex reassignment).

    After we got married, I was surprised by his angry outbursts. I felt that he became much more cynical, stressed, career-focused, moody and angry than he was as a college student. It was the XH I met during college that I fell in love with, but he never fully reappeared during our marriage.

    Also, it’s hard to reconcile XH’s behavior with his “good guy” image. He doesn’t appear to be a sleazy, smooth type of guy. He’s the kind of guy that people instantly like and trust, who will say, “he’s a really good guy.” Sometimes I thought of him as Dr. Jeckyl/Mr. Hyde. I guess he saved his Mr. Hyde for me and the home, but it all depended upon what happened at work–sometimes he was in a great, generous mood; other times he would be snappy and blame me for everything. So hard to predict, which is why I found myself avoiding him.

    Will he change and be the good, happy guy for his next OW? He said he has learned his lesson. I’m afraid he will be this great, loving, caring, wonderful boyfriend/husband to his next OW and have a great, happy life with her. I know this shouldn’t be my concern, but it does bother me. Last year, he kept on saying that I was interfering with his happiness, that marriage was me with miserable and that he needed to be free, but when I filed for divorce, then he kept on saying he was miserable without me.

    • Hawk April 25, 2014, 9:41 am

      blue, He will be the same way with her. Like other chumps have said, he will behave better in the beginning to get her hooked and then his true colors will show at home. She will be in the same situation that you were in while he keeps up his nice guy appearance to the outside world. None of his shit has anything to do with you. You didn’t cause it, you can’t fix it, and he really does suck.

  • MO May 23, 2014, 11:00 pm

    but it does hurt so much that they suck. especially if you never saw their suckiness before.

  • Nila July 20, 2014, 9:33 pm

    I don’t know how you all do this. I read this blog often just to keep my confidence from sinking. I live in India where family is everything. If I leave the cheating husband, my daughter and I will become an outcast in all social circles. I have the maturity to deal with it but I dont think my 13 year old daughter has it. It is so complicated here.

    • trying2fly September 11, 2014, 10:29 pm

      Hi Nila, is moving overseas an option or somewhere far? He’ll I don’t know what I’m talking about, I can’t even drench up the courage to leave my effn lying cheating husband *hugs*

Leave a Comment

%d bloggers like this: