Bitter Bunnies for Easter…

by Chump Lady on April 19, 2014

You asked and you have received.

Bitter bunny is now yours.

bitter_bunny_tshirt

 

It comes in various commercial variations (coffee mug, whatever other gizmo CafePress sells).

Support the blog. Flaunt your bitterness.

Happy Easter!

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The Forgiveness Trolls

by Chump Lady on April 18, 2014

forgivenesstrollHey guys, today you get a twofer! Tomorrow is the Chump Lady blog birthday — two years old and teetering on 2 million views. (I think it’s going to be Sunday, but not sure.) It’s Easter weekend, so you get this long post with cartoons and I’m taking a little break. I’ll be back Monday to attack that stupid Yahoo news story on Ashley Madison. So stay tuned. Have a great weekend and see you back here Monday!

Today I got my dander up when some troll posted on the Translating Other Woman-ese thread. She was an artful troll though, the sort many of you probably encounter in your day-to-day life. The sort of person who notices your big, cracked open heart, peers in and sniffs, “Gee, you really should do something about that.” And then follows it up with observations that you’re grieving in all the Wrong Ways, offers sympathies, and adds that troll herself has never suffered such misfortune. Too bad yours is “self-inflicted.”

These people make me crazy. First of all, why on earth would you come on my board and tell chumps what to do if you yourself have never been chumped? I don’t get on boards for people whose children have died and tell them they’re grieving all wrong. Or really a better analogy would be children who were killed by a drunk driver (I didn’t intend to hurt you!) and remind them not to be angry, but focus on the future. Oh, and then link them to my book. What fucking gall!

forgivenesstrollbunnyThe problem with forgiveness trolls is they would just like everyone to bypass the unpleasantness. Which to me, cloaks a hidden agenda — unpleasant for WHOM? Trust me, this shit is a lot more unpleasant for the person going through it. I’m sorry chump pain is inconvenient and uncomfortable for you, troll. Anger is a stage of grief. Most chumps try very hard not slop their grief around in their real lives. They come on to anonymous boards like Chump Lady and spill their guts with people who get it. So really — I have to scare you forgiveness trolls off with a broom? You’re going to pester nice, anonymous chumps about their grief and “bitterness”?

God I can’t stand these people.

Here is your problem chumps — YOU’RE NOT ANGRY ENOUGH. I’m putting that in all angry shouty caps. If ANYTHING is “self-inflicted” it’s that you’re too damn nice. That you give people the benefit of the doubt. That you try harder. The problem with chumps in my opinion is they don’t get to anger fast enough. The whole purpose of my blog is to get more chumps to stand on a chair and shout “I’M PISSED AND I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANY MORE!”

Why? Because I like angry people? Because I’m just bitter that way?

NO! Because I want you to move forward out of this situation that is hurting you, and the best way to do that is to get pissed off and see it for the injustice that it is. I’m a fan of PRODUCTIVE anger. The sort that says “HOW DARE YOU!” and calls a lawyer. That anger is your friend.

I’m not a fan of unproductive anger. The kind that turns in on itself as depression. The kind that stays pissy and short-tempered and refuses to do anything to help itself forward. The anger that stays stuck in limbo and paralysis.

You know how you stay stuck in unproductive anger? You listen to forgiveness trolls. Those “well-meaning” idiots who tell you to get over it. Not be so upset. Stay friends. Don’t be so rash. Puts a chump into a perpetual loop of cognitive dissonance. “I’m pissed!/I don’t think I should feel this way.” “How dare she!/Maybe this is my fault.” “You hurt me/I brought this on myself.”

That shit keeps you stuck.

Righteous anger frees you, gives you the jolt of lucidity you need to see that you’re being played for a sucker.

Do I want you to stay angry? Yes I do until you trust that they suck and you don’t get lured back into an abusive relationship. Does that mean I want you lurching around like Frankenstein, setting fire to small villages, venting your rage? No. Please don’t harm innocents with your anger. But do remember it when you feel the chumpiness coming on.

Once you get to meh, you won’t need your pal anger so much any more. Why? Because with some time and distance you realize who this person truly is and that being around them sucks. Your life is so much better (after time and distance) and you begin to wonder why you ever fought so hard to keep that wing nut in your life. Bad dream! The anger percolates up time to time as you deal with the fallout of the cheater’s shit decisions (money, kids, in-laws). But on the whole, you know how to protect yourself and you don’t feel vulnerable to their manipulations any more.

You don’t get there without anger. If that makes some forgiveness troll call you bitter? FUCK ‘EM, chumps. FUCK ‘EM. They haven’t lived it. They don’t know. What you aspire to, is to be high above it, blissfully indifferent to what a shithead your cheater continues to be, because you’re too busy with being awesome.

I’m not done with my rant. Oh no, I’m putting the comment through the Universal Bullshit Translator.

I have been married 25 years and neither my husband or I have ever cheated.  I’ve been reading this because a friend is struggling with a cheating wife. Though I have never worn your shoes, I can imagine how I’d see red if my husband went off with another woman and lived a “fairytale” life, in a nice house etc.

But living in bitterness and anger never helps us feel good or whole. For a while, allowing ourselves to experience truly death-dealing anger probably feels both necessary and good. But after a time, it will eat away at us. For the spouse who has been cheated on, the most important thing you can do is focus on the future not the past.

You deserve more. You are better off without your ex. I imagine this is almost impossible to swallow. It seems like it would be important to do your best to let it go. To aim for forgiveness. Forgiveness doesn’t mean the ex is/ was right–but it allows you to move on and rebuild.

The other thing that is so cruel is how often the man cheats and b/c he is the earner, his life continues in the same vein whereas the woman suffers in terms of her lifestyle. This must seem like a daily slap in the face. The dependency on a man is so undermining. I’m a writer and until about ten years ago I barely made two pennies. Even so, I’m not sure I would have wanted his money if we’d gotten divorced. I would have needed it, but I would have hated relying on him. It’s hard to build up a sense of self worth and potential when you depend on the very person who rejected you.

Good luck everyone.

P.S. Oops just realized I am part of the “smug unknowing class.” In reality, I am someone who dealt with the amazing pain that is self-inflicted when you can’t find a way to forgive–or at least try to forgive– someone who has wronged you.

I have been married 25 years and neither my husband or I have ever cheated.  

So you have absolutely no experience with what we’ve gone through. Zero. Zippy. And you’d like us to know that you, unlike us poor unfortunates, have never suffered a divorce due to infidelity. Bully for you.

I’ve been reading this because a friend is struggling with a cheating wife. Though I have never worn your shoes, I can imagine how I’d see red if my husband went off with another woman and lived a “fairytale” life, in a nice house etc.

Yeah, I see red when someone cuts me off in traffic. I collapse in grief, puke for days, lose perilous amounts of weight, get STD tests, spend thousands of dollars on legal help and years in therapy when someone cheats on me.

But living in bitterness and anger never helps us feel good or whole.

And there we have it. We’re grieving wrong. Thanks very much Troll-Who-Has-Never-Been-Chumped. You played the “bitter” card. I feel very sorry for your chumped friend. Something tells me you haven’t resisted giving him this advice if you feel compelled to lecture perfect strangers with it.

For a while, allowing ourselves to experience truly death-dealing anger probably feels both necessary and good. But after a time, it will eat away at us.

And you know this how? Because??? Someone was once mean to you? Didn’t invite you to their birthday party? Snubbed you on the golf course? Gave you an ugly haircut? Have you suffered some soul-wrenching trauma that makes you an expert on “death-dealing anger”? It “probably” feels necessary and good? Probably meaning you’re guessing? You don’t know shit.

Look, troll. I wanted to carve my cheating ex-husband up with a fish knife. It didn’t feel “good” — the rage felt terrifying. Fortunately, I channeled those feelings into running the hell away from him. But let me just tell you, you have no fucking clue what you’re talking about. NONE.

For the spouse who has been cheated on, the most important thing you can do is focus on the future not the past.

No, understand the past before you focus on the future, so you don’t repeat the same damn dynamic in your next relationship. Realize you’ve been chumped, get angry, grieve, and THEN move forward. The most important thing you can do is HEAL. Moving “forward” is not the same thing as healing. You can “move forward” with fuck all for understanding. We call that “rug sweeping.”

You deserve more. You are better off without your ex.

Here we are in agreement.

I imagine this is almost impossible to swallow. It seems like it would be important to do your best to let it go.

You imagine. It seems important to let go. So in other words, you don’t know. This “seems” like the right thing to say. And you’re an expert because? You’re linking to your self-help book on my site about middle children? Hey, tell you what — I’ll keep my mouth shut about birth order and you keep your mouth shut about infidelity.

To aim for forgiveness. Forgiveness doesn’t mean the ex is/ was right–but it allows you to move on and rebuild.

Don’t presume to tell other people what to forgive or what forgiveness does and does not confer. Some people’s religious believes require that the sinner ask for atonement for their sins, to acknowledge the injury. Most of us never get that. Many of us move forward quite nicely without forgiveness. Others struggle with it. You have a lot of nerve to tell hurting, vulnerable people what they should do when you’ve never experienced this.

The other thing that is so cruel is how often the man cheats and b/c he is the earner, his life continues in the same vein whereas the woman suffers in terms of her lifestyle. This must seem like a daily slap in the face. The dependency on a man is so undermining. I’m a writer and until about ten years ago I barely made two pennies. Even so, I’m not sure I would have wanted his money if we’d gotten divorced. I would have needed it, but I would have hated relying on him. It’s hard to build up a sense of self worth and potential when you depend on the very person who rejected you.

So your husband supported you for 15 years while you barely made two pennies. How nice that you imagine the flinty independence of single mothers who wave off support out of a “sense of self worth.” God, those weak women who “rely” on men! May their children “rely” on support from their fathers, or does that undermine their self worth as well? Yes, it IS hard to depend on checks from the very person who rejected you. Ask my son how he knows.

Good luck everyone.

P.S. Oops just realized I am part of the “smug unknowing class.” In reality, I am someone who dealt with the amazing pain that is self-inflicted when you can’t find a way to forgive–or at least try to forgive– someone who has wronged you.

I know from self-inflicted pain, troll. I read your entire comment and responded to it. Stay smug! Stay unknowing! Bye!

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Dear Chump Lady, I wish I’d filed

April 18, 2014

Hi Chump Lady, So I have dealt with this mess awhile as I have health issues and an idiot alcoholic. I am finally on Prozac, which I am angry about having to be on as I like to be real in my life, but anyway. I wanted to give you a tidbit of stupidness that […]

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Translating Other Woman-ese

April 17, 2014

So I was checking my links, and someone posted a comment to my site on this article written by an Other Woman at the Experience Project. It’s from a couple years ago, so God knows how it worked out with her and her soulmate schmoopie, but the letter was so execrable I thought it deserved […]

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So Sad When Cheater Loves Goes Bad

April 16, 2014

Chumps are not above enjoying some celebrity cheater Schadenfreude. This news video tidbit sent to me by alert member of Chump Nation, Chris Dirico. Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott — who cheated on their former spouses to find marital bliss with each other — are having marital troubles! Chumps, I know it will surprise you […]

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Stupidest Blameshifting You Got?

April 15, 2014

According to Andrew G. Marshall, some of the forces that compel cheaters to cheat are nagging and childrearing. Yesterday, “blue” recounted that her husband told her he cheated on her because…. she didn’t shave her armpits. God, are cheaters reduced to such thin soup as ARM PITS? Really? That’s the best blameshifting you got? So […]

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Why You Can’t “Nice” People Out of Affairs

April 14, 2014

Well folks, I just finished my BBC radio interview with Ms. Allison Fern. I think you can link to it here. (Allison Fern, noon, April 14) That was fun, although I probably spoke a mile a minute trying to cover a lot of chump ground. Essentially the topic of discussion was my reaction to that […]

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Dear Chump Lady, The OW is cyberstalking me

April 13, 2014

Dear Chump Lady, Help!!! In a few days I’m scheduled to go to court to start divorce proceedings. Lately I’ve been receiving dating site subscriptions, job site subscriptions and the latest one a profile sent to my email using OW’s personal data with my old Facebook photo? I’m forwarding this garbage to my attorney but […]

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Dear Chump Lady, Is he a cheater?

April 12, 2014

Dear Chump Lady, My husband of almost 10 years sat me down on the couch one day and told me, “I think I’d like a divorce.” Five days after that, he wrote me an e-mail that said “We are getting a divorce.” Just 6.5 months prior I had given birth to our second child, 5.5 […]

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Dear Chump Lady, My husband doesn’t know the OW ratted him out

April 11, 2014

Dear Chump Lady, A year and a half ago, I saw texts to and from some strange woman on my husband’s cell phone. I confronted him and he said it was just some old friend from high school. It was nothing according to him. Well, I searched her phone number and discovered it was his […]

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